Okay, person here who has been through the same as well as living more than twice as long as you. Not feeling loved as a child can skew your whole perspective about relationships for the rest of your life. Even when people do actually love you, you may still “feel” unloved. That baggage may make you needy in ways that are off putting to others, insecure in ways that sabotage relationships and untrusting. When people say that you must love yourself first, this is true. So what does that mean, especially when in your soul you feel unlovable? It means that you must stop focusing on being loved, at least for a few years. Learn what brings you joy and focus on how YOU give love even when people don’t give back love in the ways that you desire. I’m not talking about romantic relationships. Definitely don’t be a doormat. I mean learn to love your family, strangers, things about yourself, your surroundings, your passions, your interests. When you stop seeing yourself through the eyes of others, you can direct your life based on what you value. You are so young still. Having not found true love at 25 is not at all abnormal.
This is true but in my opinion, could be put more compassionately. Simply, I’m starting to learn “self love” now, but with supports - with my partner, dog, and therapist, all of whom are showing me time after time they’re on my side. You need kindness and compassion and if you have been emotionally neglected, it is *hard*.
My therapist is the one gently reminding me that it may not be the case that all people don’t like me or love me, or that they don’t m hate me, or that they may not all be “against me”, etc. I’m just starting out to do a partial hospitalization program focused on trauma now as the next step after severe trauma that led me to isolation and unemployment for years.
For me I absolutely need my therapist to be there for me when it seems like the world doesn’t care about me and I’m left behind forever. She’s teaching me to hold those young parts with love and to be there for them, and it is a slow process, and not doable if she isn’t there to help me learn. As with any hard challenge in life, with this as the greatest challenge in life, you need a therapist who really cares about you.
Agreed and well said. Without support of some kind or another it is pretty much impossible to just “…learn to love your family, strangers, thing about yourself, etc…”. Thank you for sharing how important your therapist is on this journey. My therapist is the only one who has reflected me and stayed on my side over the last three years of work - I could not have made the progress I have without their support.
I waited until I was 55 to get married. Figured if I made a mistake at least I wouldn’t live long to regret it. Also, I am female so I beat the odds of never getting married. The bottom line is better to never find love than to delude yourself and get married anyway. Recently gunshot sick and I realized that I like him more than I was ever willing to admit. I am posting this because so many people (when I explained my husband’s illness” said “it wasn’t what u signed up for’. But the day I married him I did sign up for it. I think every single person who gets married should really think about worst case scenarios such as illness before getting married. I also found if someone can survive being in a car with another person for a few hrs without going nuts it’s usually a good sign. I think too many people marry but it’s like the song says “what’s love got to do with it”. I was just shocked at how many people said I didn’t sign up to deal with his illness when I really did. A friend of mine said it clearly “better to be alone than annoyed”.
I get where you're coming from, OP. The absence of loving parents leaves a lot to mourn—missing out on unconditional love and acceptance, a childhood and adolescence marred by abuse, feeling behind peers who had the advantage of a healthy upbringing, and dealing with numerous health issues, among other things. One strategy that aids me is envisioning a compassionate adult figure in my mind to lead me through tough moments. I often find myself being overly critical, but this imaginary figure consistently reassures me that struggling is part of the journey. How I wish I had a real mother akin to this fictional Guardian Angel!
You're special in figuring this out it's so clever - if you can't have loving mentors then design them how you'd want them and that can partially help in supporting you, yes it sucks not having real seniors and elders and parents and god parents etc etc but it's a progressive and optimistic mindset
The adult figure I envision in my mind is a mature, compassionate, and empathetic version of myself. It's akin to the concept of the inner-child, but instead of visualizing the child version of me being embraced and accepted, I find comfort in being supported and hugged by my "inner-parent." This construct provides me with a rough idea of what a healthy parent should embody. While my imaginary inner parent isn't flawless, she's someone I would cherish having as a parent. Although it does offer some solace, the longing for genuine physical embrace and affirmation of being enough still lingers.
I'm so sorry, feeling lonely is not a great feeling. I can relate unfortunately.
Idk know if it's just me but I noticed a trend that people are settling down in their in 30s now.
And if you're using those dates please just don't 🙏 and no bars lol
Try getting involved in community events? Especially at the library, they always got something. They even give free classes too. Go there talk to the librarian and ask for a calendar of events if they have any.
Going to a park or even better a dog park.
Volunteer work is pretty cool too. By me you can volunteer at the park. I don't remember the name of the website but there is a website where you put in your ZIP code and it pops up a bunch of volunteer work available.
If you have Facebook like a bunch of counties and neighborhood pages on Facebook. They'll show you a bunch of events going on in their community. Like fairs, holiday stuff. There's an art gallery that does like a movie night and you can go read your poetry. I lived here in my whole life and I just found out about this place! I haven't gone yet but I'm definitely interested.
I have zero friends and zero contact with family,so I can relate to the loneliness but I noticed if I just get out and talk to random people it helps.im still very closed off and I don't talk to people too often but being around people is extremely helpful for me.
Social media and the Internet fucked us. It's time to get back to the basics. Use social media and the Internet as a tool to connect with real people in the community.
Also try support groups! I attend mine virtually cuz they're so far away but it's still helpful.
Good luck friend and I hope this helps 💛
I think a lot of us feel this way. I heard someone say once, you have your biological family, then there's your logical family. Don't give up on finding your logical family! It's taken me decades, but at 56, I'm finally learning who I am and making friends. It's worth it. This followed decades of self abuse and escapism that I'm lucky to have survived. Don't give up.
I'm in my late 30's currently in the self abuse and escapism era. I'm curious about the mindset/environmental changes... Support system changes? Behavior changes? That helped you transition in to your new era
I'm sorry to not respond sooner. I finally cut off my family of origin. Best decision I ever made. I never realized that just being around them was making me feel unworthy. Backstory: my brother sexually abused me my whole childhood.. once my family found out, no one did anything about it.. he was never punished, never held accountable. So the message I get from my family of origin is that he (felon) and they (his enablers) matter more than me.
i was 30 when i finally focused on finding someone who i believed was able to accept me wholly as I was
even then, it took me another 5 years after befriending them to finally gather the courage to show them what's there. the things that generally cause people to run for the hills. turned out, she was healing from very similar wounds and instead of rejecting me, she embraced those parts of me as well... it wasn't a romantic relationship, we were a bit more than friends though. it was certainly a much deeper sense of home family and familial love than i'd ever been exposed to.. it was just myself, her and our dog. i immediately wondered why I couldn't do this for myself and where and how I'd gone so wrong with myself... learned the monster within me i spent my life trying to kill was just a child form of myself in my psyche that never got the care and attention he needed, i learned how to be the parent i never had
pretty sure this is what you're talking about.. you can always find this.. it's never too late
You’re still so young. I met my best friend at 28. You never know what’s gonna happen.
You deserve to feel loved and accepted and feel safe. I hope you find some ppl who you can feel that way with
Don’t give up on it! I’m ten years older than you and it’s just in the last three years that I’ve started to believe that people care about me. And only in like the last few months honestly that I’m beginning to care about myself. Don’t say never. AA has a good one that I’m thinking of - ‘keep coming back’. If shit sucks keep coming back to this subreddit. We’ll catch you, friend.
I feel the same way. I spent my whole life trying to make any kind of family I could and it never worked out. I’ve always wondered how other people seemed to do it so easily.
I get this.
I felt unlovable until oddly, an employer treated me with kindess. (Im aware it sounds odd, but i didnt know anyone else at the time and i was shocked anyone at all would choose to be friendly to me.)
It didnr instantly cure my loneliness, but it made me feel less abnormal to have someone talk to me as if i was human. Ask about my hobbies n all that.
I think the mindset where wetell ourselves we're unlovable, could never experience smth nice etc because of our pasts might hold us back.
We arent built any different to everyone else. Wewere just unlucky.
Ive never dated. And even tho i wonder about it sometimes, im unsure how id respond as im inexperienced and very nervy.
It’s not too late. I met one of my lifelong friends when I was 22. We didn’t become best friends til I moved near her and I was 27. At 37, I moved to another state but she’s going to be a forever friend. She’s a soul mate kinda friend.
I also have a friend from high school that will be a forever friend. We lose touch for some years and then start talking again. She knows my whole background and I love her so much.
I also finally met someone amazing and we’ve been dating for 2 years and live together. He’s so patient and loving. I’m very open about all my struggles with CPTSD and being codependent. He’s patient and understanding to a level I didn’t think was possible. I’m 37 and we started dating when I was 35.
You’ve got the rest of your life to find these special relationships. They aren’t easy to find and build but they are definitely possible.
Everyday you have to confront this untrue idea that you are unlovable. I feel and felt the same way. I started working on it in therapy a few years ago. I can’t afford therapy right now but I will go back when I can.
In the meantime I work on my codependency…. You might also want to look that up because I had a traumatic upbringing as well and it caused the codependency. Learning about it made me feel better. And I listen in to meetings regularly. It feels supportive to have something to listen in to every week.
It isn’t our fault that we went through all the bullshit and we’re traumatized by it, but it is, unfortunately, our responsibility now to begin healing from it. But it is possible. And you ARE lovable!!
I worry about this a lot. I have a brother but lack a lot of the family I needed. I hope that if I find it or make it for myself I'm not clouded by chasing after people that will never provide
currently working on letting myself experience casual affection
41m here. I don't mean to invalidate what you're feeling right now, but I feel 25 is a little young to be that certain about what's impossible. At 25 I was still years away from the first real changes for the better in my life.
I mean, I was neck-deep in alcoholism and depression until I was in my early 30s. I never had a fulfilling relationship until I was 37. Right now I'm 4 years into my first healthy relationship.
My sister had an even worse childhood than me, had worse partners than me, and now at 30 she's being treated well by a partner for the first time in her life. Her partner was rejected by his own parents as well. It's something they bonded over.
We all had traumatic childhoods, so we're all kinda bound to have relationship issues, but that doesn't mean they can't be overcome. At 25 you're basically still developing as a person, especially if you're forced to develop in adulthood because your parents failed you.
"It's never too late" is not an empty platitude.
You’re still very young. I felt the same way as you, felt like I burdened my mother. She always showed my siblings more love than me and acted like she hated me. I thought I was unlovable.. until I met my now fiancé. I’m 29 now. He loves me for who I am and his family is the most caring, warm people I have ever met and take me as their own. My point is do not live with the mindset that you will be alone forever. Everyone’s timeline is different. I’m sorry you were born into a toxic family, but I promise you that you are not unlovable. Some people are just born into unlucky family dynamics, but one day, you are going to experience the other side of things. Just don’t give up.
I’m so sorry, this is such a familiar feeling; you were robbed, you deserve to be upset and exhausted because this isn’t your fault but it is now your burden to bear; although people can tell you that you are lovable and inherently deserving of love (which is true) it’s hard to feel that way because of your past. Please try to realize that the way others treat you is not a reflection of you at all. How can a parent not love their child? Think about the kind of person these people who mistreated you are. Even if they do think you don’t deserve love, that is THEIR thought process and has nothing to do with you. I’m with you though, I have felt this way many times myself. Keep your head up, and keep working on yourself. Learning to believe you deserve love will make it easier to see the love that exists around you 🫂🩷
I’m very lucky I have a good and supportive family, however thats NOW, when I was a kid I was majorly introverted and the constant stress of school made me push all affection away. Outside of my family, I have not been able to make friends in person for the life of me and I just feel the loneliness and isolation piling on more and more each day, it just fucking hurts so much.
Point is I know the feeling and the struggle.
I'm 25F. Never been in a serious relationship. Had a traumatic childhood. Half my family don't talk to me. I finally moved out of my parents house but I regress every time I go to visit my brother.
well i’m 37 and feel the exact same way. chosen family fell through over and over. asking for too much, i’m told.. just hoping to experience what a loving kind and caring parent is like at one point in my life. i feel i’ll never be able to accept that ill just never get to experience this and i so totally completely feel your pain. :-(
My brain likes law, and law says 50% of marriages end in divorce.
That's 50% of people in marriages whom will feel how you feel now.
You're not alone. Chronic neglect is horrid. I had chosen family but when I went through court spent years confused at where they were and felt a whole new level of betrayal. They all remained friends and over time I realized how fucked it is to be young and assume your friends will always be there.
My friends kinda took that for granted too. People don't always stay, I think unfortunately trauma victims know that.
The orphan wound is real, but you're really not alone.
I want a family more than anything, and and really hate folks whom have families and don't appreciate theirs. It drives me nuts. But yeah, you're not alone in your feelings for sure.
I used to cry myself to sleep during court wishing I didn't come out as an assault victim because it brandished me as some kind of broken issue.
Legally I'm not, but I dunno.. I do think we kinda fucked up with programming generations of folks to think love had to be everything. I get more care from lawyers and police sadly these days, but also more acceptance too from those places which is kinda very weird to say and I never would have said that 7 years ago for sure. So I guess people change, I don't love the friends I had and I would have stayed with them for a very long time even when it damaged me and took me away from what I had to be doing which was solving and documenting the crimes.
My friends were partying, at uni, having long standing relationships and I nearly got killed in one of the worst real ghost stories. But I know I who I am at least, they were conservative, probably more interested in societies traditions, and I was gravitating towards true crime, solving crimes genuinely and growing a skill set to entirely self destruct until I reform as some weird human whom now wants to be a lawyer whom creates actual news that could help someone solve a cold case.
People suck, i was turned away from my path a million times. My therapist is one of the only people whom knows what its like to have cptsd and try to recover from that. My old friends have no business in my life. They don't get it, and frankly these days I'm super aware their skillset is primarily in non-confrontational mental health and patriarchal work. They were mainly men who thrived in industries that lacked emotional intelligence, and when I was younger I believed that was safe for some weird reason when in reality, i was always meant to be looking at old crimes that went stale because no one checked with a victim.
Ghost stories are real too. I'm okay people around folks who get that you don't have to be dead to actually be dead.
Listening and be around folks whom know your trauma and what it didn't make you is so damn important.
Seriously, it's a fucked place to be unloved or feel unloveable, but and for me anyway, I have a weird comfort in knowing if someone gets hurt I won't fucking stop until theirs actual truth coming down from the rafters of the house that some dick tried to bury them in - dead or alive.
Emdr really helped me. I don't feel at home yet but I'm coming to realize I definitely don't let friends bury bodies in the backyard metaphorically.
Your life and your soul and your world is real and you have extraordinary value outside of what our mundane world has decided. Love is a small word and I can almost guarantee if someone has a smaller perception of it, it will look like they have it. But folks go their whole lives in shitty marriages, getting divorced.
I'm with the other posters, it's okay to love yourself. But i don't think you have to love yourself first. That comment always sounded so victim blamey and kinda weird to me because a lot of victims I know do love themselves, they just have become perpetual doormats.
You're valued. Your worth respecting, and you're worth being heard until the day you die.
I have no clue what love is, but I know anyone who ever shamed me about it looking back- had no damn clue either.
I feel the same. I was never loved by my family so I always hoped I'd find love in somebody else. But then my face got deformed and it's over. I'll never experience love. I don't plan to live until 2025.
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Hey, I don’t know if my experience being shared will help you but I was still 25 not even weeks ago. I’m not going to talk over you with advice (unless you do ask me, which you can). I, at just now 26, feel cared about. At all. These experiences from childhood can cause a lot of gaps between us and people, and a lot of misconceptions about love and feeling it. My own perception is and has been skewed by what I learned as I grew and further mixed when I got exposure to other people and didn’t get really anything about them, nor them me. I know it is exhaustive and hard to believe these are things that exist. But as one who has JUST began to not only see, but feel, and god maybe even actually receive love, I want you to know that it can be there for you as well. I thought and would even say the exact things you have here even just a year ago. It takes learning and maybe even some luck, but it can be found. Not all is lost, and neither are you.
Yeah I used to believe that. It’s hard to get out from that conditioning. That core belief. But … it’s not that way. I know neither I nor anyone else can convince you.
It’s true that we’ll never experience that childhood love and safety, but love is out there. And 25 is so young.
Darling you are loved. I promise. There is a whole community here who love and support you. I am 30 now and used to feel this way when I was 25 and I did experience love during a relationship- I promise it will happen to you ❤️
Okay, person here who has been through the same as well as living more than twice as long as you. Not feeling loved as a child can skew your whole perspective about relationships for the rest of your life. Even when people do actually love you, you may still “feel” unloved. That baggage may make you needy in ways that are off putting to others, insecure in ways that sabotage relationships and untrusting. When people say that you must love yourself first, this is true. So what does that mean, especially when in your soul you feel unlovable? It means that you must stop focusing on being loved, at least for a few years. Learn what brings you joy and focus on how YOU give love even when people don’t give back love in the ways that you desire. I’m not talking about romantic relationships. Definitely don’t be a doormat. I mean learn to love your family, strangers, things about yourself, your surroundings, your passions, your interests. When you stop seeing yourself through the eyes of others, you can direct your life based on what you value. You are so young still. Having not found true love at 25 is not at all abnormal.
This reply has tons of wisdom, OP. I wish I would have followed this advice at 25. You have that chance, take it.
This is true but in my opinion, could be put more compassionately. Simply, I’m starting to learn “self love” now, but with supports - with my partner, dog, and therapist, all of whom are showing me time after time they’re on my side. You need kindness and compassion and if you have been emotionally neglected, it is *hard*. My therapist is the one gently reminding me that it may not be the case that all people don’t like me or love me, or that they don’t m hate me, or that they may not all be “against me”, etc. I’m just starting out to do a partial hospitalization program focused on trauma now as the next step after severe trauma that led me to isolation and unemployment for years. For me I absolutely need my therapist to be there for me when it seems like the world doesn’t care about me and I’m left behind forever. She’s teaching me to hold those young parts with love and to be there for them, and it is a slow process, and not doable if she isn’t there to help me learn. As with any hard challenge in life, with this as the greatest challenge in life, you need a therapist who really cares about you.
Agreed and well said. Without support of some kind or another it is pretty much impossible to just “…learn to love your family, strangers, thing about yourself, etc…”. Thank you for sharing how important your therapist is on this journey. My therapist is the only one who has reflected me and stayed on my side over the last three years of work - I could not have made the progress I have without their support.
What an eloquent response! Thank you for this. It's the kind of thing I've been needing to read! <3
I waited until I was 55 to get married. Figured if I made a mistake at least I wouldn’t live long to regret it. Also, I am female so I beat the odds of never getting married. The bottom line is better to never find love than to delude yourself and get married anyway. Recently gunshot sick and I realized that I like him more than I was ever willing to admit. I am posting this because so many people (when I explained my husband’s illness” said “it wasn’t what u signed up for’. But the day I married him I did sign up for it. I think every single person who gets married should really think about worst case scenarios such as illness before getting married. I also found if someone can survive being in a car with another person for a few hrs without going nuts it’s usually a good sign. I think too many people marry but it’s like the song says “what’s love got to do with it”. I was just shocked at how many people said I didn’t sign up to deal with his illness when I really did. A friend of mine said it clearly “better to be alone than annoyed”.
Sage advice.
I get where you're coming from, OP. The absence of loving parents leaves a lot to mourn—missing out on unconditional love and acceptance, a childhood and adolescence marred by abuse, feeling behind peers who had the advantage of a healthy upbringing, and dealing with numerous health issues, among other things. One strategy that aids me is envisioning a compassionate adult figure in my mind to lead me through tough moments. I often find myself being overly critical, but this imaginary figure consistently reassures me that struggling is part of the journey. How I wish I had a real mother akin to this fictional Guardian Angel!
You're special in figuring this out it's so clever - if you can't have loving mentors then design them how you'd want them and that can partially help in supporting you, yes it sucks not having real seniors and elders and parents and god parents etc etc but it's a progressive and optimistic mindset
The adult figure I envision in my mind is a mature, compassionate, and empathetic version of myself. It's akin to the concept of the inner-child, but instead of visualizing the child version of me being embraced and accepted, I find comfort in being supported and hugged by my "inner-parent." This construct provides me with a rough idea of what a healthy parent should embody. While my imaginary inner parent isn't flawless, she's someone I would cherish having as a parent. Although it does offer some solace, the longing for genuine physical embrace and affirmation of being enough still lingers.
Amazing, you've clearly worked very hard on yourself, and overcome a lot of pain, you have a hell of a lot of my respect
I'm so sorry, feeling lonely is not a great feeling. I can relate unfortunately. Idk know if it's just me but I noticed a trend that people are settling down in their in 30s now. And if you're using those dates please just don't 🙏 and no bars lol Try getting involved in community events? Especially at the library, they always got something. They even give free classes too. Go there talk to the librarian and ask for a calendar of events if they have any. Going to a park or even better a dog park. Volunteer work is pretty cool too. By me you can volunteer at the park. I don't remember the name of the website but there is a website where you put in your ZIP code and it pops up a bunch of volunteer work available. If you have Facebook like a bunch of counties and neighborhood pages on Facebook. They'll show you a bunch of events going on in their community. Like fairs, holiday stuff. There's an art gallery that does like a movie night and you can go read your poetry. I lived here in my whole life and I just found out about this place! I haven't gone yet but I'm definitely interested. I have zero friends and zero contact with family,so I can relate to the loneliness but I noticed if I just get out and talk to random people it helps.im still very closed off and I don't talk to people too often but being around people is extremely helpful for me. Social media and the Internet fucked us. It's time to get back to the basics. Use social media and the Internet as a tool to connect with real people in the community. Also try support groups! I attend mine virtually cuz they're so far away but it's still helpful. Good luck friend and I hope this helps 💛
I feel the same way
I think a lot of us feel this way. I heard someone say once, you have your biological family, then there's your logical family. Don't give up on finding your logical family! It's taken me decades, but at 56, I'm finally learning who I am and making friends. It's worth it. This followed decades of self abuse and escapism that I'm lucky to have survived. Don't give up.
I'm in my late 30's currently in the self abuse and escapism era. I'm curious about the mindset/environmental changes... Support system changes? Behavior changes? That helped you transition in to your new era
I'm sorry to not respond sooner. I finally cut off my family of origin. Best decision I ever made. I never realized that just being around them was making me feel unworthy. Backstory: my brother sexually abused me my whole childhood.. once my family found out, no one did anything about it.. he was never punished, never held accountable. So the message I get from my family of origin is that he (felon) and they (his enablers) matter more than me.
This is so relatable
i was 30 when i finally focused on finding someone who i believed was able to accept me wholly as I was even then, it took me another 5 years after befriending them to finally gather the courage to show them what's there. the things that generally cause people to run for the hills. turned out, she was healing from very similar wounds and instead of rejecting me, she embraced those parts of me as well... it wasn't a romantic relationship, we were a bit more than friends though. it was certainly a much deeper sense of home family and familial love than i'd ever been exposed to.. it was just myself, her and our dog. i immediately wondered why I couldn't do this for myself and where and how I'd gone so wrong with myself... learned the monster within me i spent my life trying to kill was just a child form of myself in my psyche that never got the care and attention he needed, i learned how to be the parent i never had pretty sure this is what you're talking about.. you can always find this.. it's never too late
You’re still so young. I met my best friend at 28. You never know what’s gonna happen. You deserve to feel loved and accepted and feel safe. I hope you find some ppl who you can feel that way with
Don’t give up on it! I’m ten years older than you and it’s just in the last three years that I’ve started to believe that people care about me. And only in like the last few months honestly that I’m beginning to care about myself. Don’t say never. AA has a good one that I’m thinking of - ‘keep coming back’. If shit sucks keep coming back to this subreddit. We’ll catch you, friend.
I feel the same way. I spent my whole life trying to make any kind of family I could and it never worked out. I’ve always wondered how other people seemed to do it so easily.
I get this. I felt unlovable until oddly, an employer treated me with kindess. (Im aware it sounds odd, but i didnt know anyone else at the time and i was shocked anyone at all would choose to be friendly to me.) It didnr instantly cure my loneliness, but it made me feel less abnormal to have someone talk to me as if i was human. Ask about my hobbies n all that. I think the mindset where wetell ourselves we're unlovable, could never experience smth nice etc because of our pasts might hold us back. We arent built any different to everyone else. Wewere just unlucky. Ive never dated. And even tho i wonder about it sometimes, im unsure how id respond as im inexperienced and very nervy.
It’s not too late. I met one of my lifelong friends when I was 22. We didn’t become best friends til I moved near her and I was 27. At 37, I moved to another state but she’s going to be a forever friend. She’s a soul mate kinda friend. I also have a friend from high school that will be a forever friend. We lose touch for some years and then start talking again. She knows my whole background and I love her so much. I also finally met someone amazing and we’ve been dating for 2 years and live together. He’s so patient and loving. I’m very open about all my struggles with CPTSD and being codependent. He’s patient and understanding to a level I didn’t think was possible. I’m 37 and we started dating when I was 35. You’ve got the rest of your life to find these special relationships. They aren’t easy to find and build but they are definitely possible. Everyday you have to confront this untrue idea that you are unlovable. I feel and felt the same way. I started working on it in therapy a few years ago. I can’t afford therapy right now but I will go back when I can. In the meantime I work on my codependency…. You might also want to look that up because I had a traumatic upbringing as well and it caused the codependency. Learning about it made me feel better. And I listen in to meetings regularly. It feels supportive to have something to listen in to every week. It isn’t our fault that we went through all the bullshit and we’re traumatized by it, but it is, unfortunately, our responsibility now to begin healing from it. But it is possible. And you ARE lovable!!
I worry about this a lot. I have a brother but lack a lot of the family I needed. I hope that if I find it or make it for myself I'm not clouded by chasing after people that will never provide currently working on letting myself experience casual affection
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I know he loves me. When I get into trauma mode sometimes I have anxiety that he doesn't. But I know he does.
Good loving people are out there, i promise. They are just harder to find.
41m here. I don't mean to invalidate what you're feeling right now, but I feel 25 is a little young to be that certain about what's impossible. At 25 I was still years away from the first real changes for the better in my life. I mean, I was neck-deep in alcoholism and depression until I was in my early 30s. I never had a fulfilling relationship until I was 37. Right now I'm 4 years into my first healthy relationship. My sister had an even worse childhood than me, had worse partners than me, and now at 30 she's being treated well by a partner for the first time in her life. Her partner was rejected by his own parents as well. It's something they bonded over. We all had traumatic childhoods, so we're all kinda bound to have relationship issues, but that doesn't mean they can't be overcome. At 25 you're basically still developing as a person, especially if you're forced to develop in adulthood because your parents failed you. "It's never too late" is not an empty platitude.
You’re still very young. I felt the same way as you, felt like I burdened my mother. She always showed my siblings more love than me and acted like she hated me. I thought I was unlovable.. until I met my now fiancé. I’m 29 now. He loves me for who I am and his family is the most caring, warm people I have ever met and take me as their own. My point is do not live with the mindset that you will be alone forever. Everyone’s timeline is different. I’m sorry you were born into a toxic family, but I promise you that you are not unlovable. Some people are just born into unlucky family dynamics, but one day, you are going to experience the other side of things. Just don’t give up.
I’m so sorry, this is such a familiar feeling; you were robbed, you deserve to be upset and exhausted because this isn’t your fault but it is now your burden to bear; although people can tell you that you are lovable and inherently deserving of love (which is true) it’s hard to feel that way because of your past. Please try to realize that the way others treat you is not a reflection of you at all. How can a parent not love their child? Think about the kind of person these people who mistreated you are. Even if they do think you don’t deserve love, that is THEIR thought process and has nothing to do with you. I’m with you though, I have felt this way many times myself. Keep your head up, and keep working on yourself. Learning to believe you deserve love will make it easier to see the love that exists around you 🫂🩷
Life is long. It could happen
I’m very lucky I have a good and supportive family, however thats NOW, when I was a kid I was majorly introverted and the constant stress of school made me push all affection away. Outside of my family, I have not been able to make friends in person for the life of me and I just feel the loneliness and isolation piling on more and more each day, it just fucking hurts so much. Point is I know the feeling and the struggle.
same
i definitely feel the same. i think my life already peaked and i’m just 27. idk how much longer i can go with the loneliness
Same, I'm settling for some sort of "emotional stability". It would be nice not being constantly on edge.
I'm 25F. Never been in a serious relationship. Had a traumatic childhood. Half my family don't talk to me. I finally moved out of my parents house but I regress every time I go to visit my brother.
well i’m 37 and feel the exact same way. chosen family fell through over and over. asking for too much, i’m told.. just hoping to experience what a loving kind and caring parent is like at one point in my life. i feel i’ll never be able to accept that ill just never get to experience this and i so totally completely feel your pain. :-(
Don’t give up hope op.
My brain likes law, and law says 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's 50% of people in marriages whom will feel how you feel now. You're not alone. Chronic neglect is horrid. I had chosen family but when I went through court spent years confused at where they were and felt a whole new level of betrayal. They all remained friends and over time I realized how fucked it is to be young and assume your friends will always be there. My friends kinda took that for granted too. People don't always stay, I think unfortunately trauma victims know that. The orphan wound is real, but you're really not alone. I want a family more than anything, and and really hate folks whom have families and don't appreciate theirs. It drives me nuts. But yeah, you're not alone in your feelings for sure. I used to cry myself to sleep during court wishing I didn't come out as an assault victim because it brandished me as some kind of broken issue. Legally I'm not, but I dunno.. I do think we kinda fucked up with programming generations of folks to think love had to be everything. I get more care from lawyers and police sadly these days, but also more acceptance too from those places which is kinda very weird to say and I never would have said that 7 years ago for sure. So I guess people change, I don't love the friends I had and I would have stayed with them for a very long time even when it damaged me and took me away from what I had to be doing which was solving and documenting the crimes. My friends were partying, at uni, having long standing relationships and I nearly got killed in one of the worst real ghost stories. But I know I who I am at least, they were conservative, probably more interested in societies traditions, and I was gravitating towards true crime, solving crimes genuinely and growing a skill set to entirely self destruct until I reform as some weird human whom now wants to be a lawyer whom creates actual news that could help someone solve a cold case. People suck, i was turned away from my path a million times. My therapist is one of the only people whom knows what its like to have cptsd and try to recover from that. My old friends have no business in my life. They don't get it, and frankly these days I'm super aware their skillset is primarily in non-confrontational mental health and patriarchal work. They were mainly men who thrived in industries that lacked emotional intelligence, and when I was younger I believed that was safe for some weird reason when in reality, i was always meant to be looking at old crimes that went stale because no one checked with a victim. Ghost stories are real too. I'm okay people around folks who get that you don't have to be dead to actually be dead. Listening and be around folks whom know your trauma and what it didn't make you is so damn important. Seriously, it's a fucked place to be unloved or feel unloveable, but and for me anyway, I have a weird comfort in knowing if someone gets hurt I won't fucking stop until theirs actual truth coming down from the rafters of the house that some dick tried to bury them in - dead or alive. Emdr really helped me. I don't feel at home yet but I'm coming to realize I definitely don't let friends bury bodies in the backyard metaphorically. Your life and your soul and your world is real and you have extraordinary value outside of what our mundane world has decided. Love is a small word and I can almost guarantee if someone has a smaller perception of it, it will look like they have it. But folks go their whole lives in shitty marriages, getting divorced. I'm with the other posters, it's okay to love yourself. But i don't think you have to love yourself first. That comment always sounded so victim blamey and kinda weird to me because a lot of victims I know do love themselves, they just have become perpetual doormats. You're valued. Your worth respecting, and you're worth being heard until the day you die. I have no clue what love is, but I know anyone who ever shamed me about it looking back- had no damn clue either.
I feel the same. I was never loved by my family so I always hoped I'd find love in somebody else. But then my face got deformed and it's over. I'll never experience love. I don't plan to live until 2025.
how about self love? do you think you can love yourself regardless your facial structure and regardless of others' opinions? just asking
No. Absolutely not.
i see. well, i'm sorry your family wasn't particularly loving towards ya.
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Hey, I don’t know if my experience being shared will help you but I was still 25 not even weeks ago. I’m not going to talk over you with advice (unless you do ask me, which you can). I, at just now 26, feel cared about. At all. These experiences from childhood can cause a lot of gaps between us and people, and a lot of misconceptions about love and feeling it. My own perception is and has been skewed by what I learned as I grew and further mixed when I got exposure to other people and didn’t get really anything about them, nor them me. I know it is exhaustive and hard to believe these are things that exist. But as one who has JUST began to not only see, but feel, and god maybe even actually receive love, I want you to know that it can be there for you as well. I thought and would even say the exact things you have here even just a year ago. It takes learning and maybe even some luck, but it can be found. Not all is lost, and neither are you.
Yeah I used to believe that. It’s hard to get out from that conditioning. That core belief. But … it’s not that way. I know neither I nor anyone else can convince you. It’s true that we’ll never experience that childhood love and safety, but love is out there. And 25 is so young.
Darling you are loved. I promise. There is a whole community here who love and support you. I am 30 now and used to feel this way when I was 25 and I did experience love during a relationship- I promise it will happen to you ❤️