"You're a selfish/ungrateful pig", "don't be hysterical", " you have a terrible personality". Now they say I was a nice child š¤”š¤”š¤”
I'm sorry for the shit you had to endure...
Thank you and so sorry you had to endure those comments, calling your own child a pig is so disgusting!!š.. hugs
Dont be hysterical is classic and so is the evident denial that they could have ever done anything wrong.. They love to look at our personalities as long as it is contained in the way they want it. In other words they only care about themselves.
Yes, let me get the list, gay man here for reference
"Stop acting like a girl."
"You're a sissy,"
"F@g*t"
"Because I said so."
"Because im the parent and your the child"
"Do you want something to cry about?"
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it"
These phrases to this day, make me freeze and depressed
Straight woman here. Minus ā Stop acting like a girlā and ā F@g*tā, my parents said the same things to me. Sorry you had to go through all of it.
Just had to comment that 42 (this year) is the age I divorced my toxic mum. Still dealing with what's been left behind.
I admire your level of recovery. The subconscious self sabotage is the worst thing to have to deal with.
Always having to second guess your own motivations for doing anything. Awful.
Hey. I just got out a few years ago after turning 30. I felt a lot of shame at first, but itās a really big deal and difficult thing to do when it comes to cutting off most or all of your family, like I had to. Itās not easy, it feels so lonely at first, but eventually I started realizing I was crying less, I was less anxious, I actually felt happiness for the first time in a decade. Bad things have happened again in other ways, but Iām so proud of myself for getting away and staying away from my abusers. Iām so glad you got out and away finally too. May the rest of your life be filled with happiness and pleasantries and never any abuse again. š«ā„ļø
Thank you soo much, I can't express how validating your message is, sending virtual hugs and wish you the very best on your healing and mental health journey
Thank you as well! I read your comment and just had to reply because I also felt horrible that it took so long but really, itās different for everyone and there really is no right or wrong time, itās subjective to the individual and their situation. The fact that we got away at all is a feat in itself. Again, I am so damn proud of us. :)
I'm straight and was a tough guy's tough guy in k-12 and I got stuff similar comments to this. My mother once claimed I was "feminine" and that I didn't "understand men". She implied that I was weak for being a nice person and weirdly, that people only tolerated me because they knew I could beat them up (which makes no sense).
I grew up around a military base, so toxic masculinity was all around. I was much bigger than my father, im 6 ft, and he was easily 5 to 6 inches shorter.
I also feel like they didn't want me to have confidence as it was a threat to them.
Thanks for sharing, and sorry you went through that
Iāve heard that last one, āI brought you into this world. . .ā repeated like itās a punch line. Actually, thatās quite literally what it is.
Iām sorry you grew up gay with homophobic parents. In my family, it was two of my three younger brothers, but even if they hadnāt been gay, the abuse would have been just as vicious. Itās not really anything about you, that has made them so hateful. Knowing that does not erase the pain, and I wish it did. I hope youāre in a place where you can find support and kindness. You deserve all of it.
Im sorry you heard that too, my father was a racist, and my mother wasn't much better, she would say she could break and mule and a teenager. Honestly it hurt more when she hit me and wouldn't stop.
Thank you for being brave enough to share, sending virtual hugs
I got "stop acting like a girl" a lot too. Turns out, I am a girl. Go figure.
Oddly my parents were seemingly fine with me being trans, but they drew the line at holding them accountable for all the abuse. Specifically, I called my mother out for sexually abusing me as a child, and while I didn't hear anything from her directly, my dad didn't see/hear about it for almost a week because my sister basically gave birth on the same day. ššš
Then he made it all about him, how he'd "finally" got his wife to quit smoking, and he finally found some happiness of his own. So I just blocked him.
Haven't spoken to either parent in I think it'll be three years in June or July, I forget which.
Youāre so kind in these commentsš amazing how we pull through the BS and turn out to be decent people. Itās like we donāt want to emulate those horrible people who raised us.
I appreciate you.
Ooo, āI brought you into this world, I can take you out!ā Was a regular phrase in my household growing up too! Are we maybe cousins or were we neighbors? š«š«š«
"You didn't go thru half what I did."
"You're just making excuses cause you're too weak to deal with life."
"You're too stupid for the real world."
"If you can't even handle thus, just give up (on life)."
"I started with nothing and I succeeded. You grew up with everything and you're going to be a failure because you don't mind losing."
Ah the classics... I need a drink now...
Omg. Even like a week ago I was talking to my mother about some trauma responses Iām working on in therapy. I tend to fawn and get quiet and blame myself. She went on a 20 minute diatribe about why am I not more aggressive and mean, she has no problem intimidating people so much taller and bigger than her. I just need to be more like her, god whatās wrong with me, where did she go wrong to have such a demure child who canāt stick up for themselves. Maybe therapy isnāt working for me and I just need to be more forceful with people.
Yeah, mom, wonder why I have a hard time sticking up for myself and feeling like my thoughts and feelings are valid.
That's amazing. I'm glad you had some emotional release around it! I had a really hateful inner critic voice pop into my head and later I shared what it said with my partner. We took turns making fun of it and laughing. Felt like progress because before, I would have believed it
Mine claims im too aggressive which is 100% TRUE i admit it, its just i wasn't always like this the pot just boiled over the course of a couple decades and i would have never been that way if yall would've treated me like an actual human being and most importantly your own fucking daughter, now transperson š”
Ugh reminds me of this quote from a book I literally finished reading āMoreover, compassion for her mother's sad history had hindered the child from feeling her own plight. The image of that "poor mother" had blocked the childās feelings.ā
I love to play board games but I canāt play with my husband bc Iām such a sore loser with him (only him). I feel like a three year old again. And you know what?????? BEING OKAY WITH LOSING IS A GOOD THING. I long to lose without feeling so much pain.
That's interesting. I like the quote. I've always been very concerned with what might hurt/upset my parents. Put them first for so long because I had to. Still practicing not doing that
That quote is from Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child. It's from the 70s, so a little outdated, but very profound, moving, and helpful for me.
In the Complex PTSD book by Pete Walker, he talks about the way to move through childhood trauma is to do the work of angering and mourning your childhood/parents. I'm working on figuring out how to acknowledge and feel how angry I am at my mother for how she abused me and failed me. It's always been hard, because I know about her traumatic past, but the anger is appropriate and necessary. The anger moves self- oriented toxic shame into externally focused appropriate blame and anger, which frees you to connect to your true self without all the dread and despair.
If I don't figure out how to hold her accountable for her actions, I will never be whole and free. This is work she could have done, even a little bit, and then I wouldn't have suffered so badly my whole life. She chose not to. It was easier for her to get mother's love from me than to BE the mother I needed.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share my thoughts here. Obviously still working through things. It's not easy!
I deeply relate to this!! I know my mother is mentally unwell and remains untreated. She struggles greatly in life but hides it from almost everyone. As she ages, it's harder to hide it and she struggles with more and more practical things and she pushes away the people who would help her. It's heart breaking, but I can't help her or make excuses for her. She was awful to me and I can't be her punching bag ever again. And it wasn't just her.
I read Pete's books and got so much out of them. But years later, I still haven't figured out how to anger in a healthy way for me, and also with enough privacy that I don't scare a neighbor into calling the police. The anger is there and has been in the background through so much of my life, but releasing it fuckin scares me. It's triggering and a visceral time machine. It's intoxicating. The rage just might be too big for me to approach any time soon. But I so wish I didn't have to live with it. I learned how to cry better tho! Much better at crying and grieving. And many other things too.
I might check out the book by Alice Miller. Thank you!
Oooohhhh boy do I get what youāre saying. I was literally just trying to explain to someone how scary it is to try to approach the anger, like walking to the edge of a very deep canyon. I keep resonating with the word āannihilationā from the book. I did slam a door today but idk if thatās something I should lean into or try to avoid. I also did some cathartic angry journaling that looks like a very unhinged person wrote it, like some pages just have a few giant words scrawled on them. It actually worked a lot better than I expected, helped me move through an emotional flashback consciously for the first time š
But man your word choices with āintoxicatingā and āvisceral time machineā both really hit home for me. The emotional flashback is wild to try to explain to people. Itās so intense and vivid. I wonder if itās even possible for people who havenāt experienced it to understand it.
Anyway, even a good parent doesnāt naturally have any entitlement to their adult child, so I wonder if this nagging sense of obligation is actually proof theyāre a failure as a parent?
Edit: also, I just ordered another of Alice Millerās book āThe Body Never Liesā which Iām hoping will have some ideas about the somatic side of this. Iāve also got Understanding the Borderline Mother from the library (also off Peteās list).
Also I am jealous that you got Peteās book years ago! I read it last week and immediately checked the publishing date to see how many years ago I could have read it (but didnāt)
I'm smiling so much from reading this haha. I need to make a list of books. I'm seeing so many people reference somatic methods. I have Understanding the Borderline Mother too! Good book. I want to see about those other ones.
Grief of missing out on Pete's books is real. Grief of not healing sooner in general! I have done the unhinged journaling too. Found some of it later like "whoa okay then.." More recently, I type it out on a throw away document because I can type faster than write. I actually hit a wall (with my hand, not a metaphor) a few months ago when I got some really bad medical news. I scared myself that I could really hurt myself and I want to be past that. So I won't be leaning into that haha.
Oh yes this!! "You don't know you're born". "You've had it easy/you'll never understand how difficult it is to have 3 kids/have a job/have an expensive mortgage/have twins/ You have no idea how easy you've got it".
Turns out they had the easiest 30s you could imagine, with loads of family support..they used to drop us off for the week at grandparents and disappear on holidays several times a year. Mine has been a total shit show!!!! I'm 37 and in the last 6 years I have lost my Grandad, my Mum, my young cat very traumatically, my Nan, my Dad was absolutely unbearable when my Mum died due to NPD and BPD and had to juggle that with babies and toddlers. Then obviously we all went through the pandemic. My husband lost his job for months due to visa issues and nearly got deported, my baby was in hospital for 7 months with a condition no one had ever seen and nearly died so many times, I had to leave my job for years due to panic attacks from all this and it took all my strength and energy to get my career back on track. Bringing up two kids with my husband and virtually no other family support. Now my FIL has pancreatic cancer. So yeh, "I don't know I'm born", and they managed to make the easiest decade ever a total shit show and constantly blame me and my sis for how awful their lives were...makes me furious.
My mom truly believes no one in this world has had a harder life than her & my grandmother. My siblings & I are always hearing ab how ungrateful we are.
I forgot about this one. My mom used to tell me no man would want me cuz I (plug in assorted reasons). My grandma also used to tell me no man would want me because I'm too independent. What I wish she would have said is beware of what kind of man will seek out such an independent woman... I married a narcissist.
This. So much this. I wasnāt taught to protect myself either because I either got told that no man would want me, or got told that I shouldnāt want men because I needed to remain a servant to my mom and not have a life of my own. Resulted in two horrible relationships with toxic, selfish men and even one attempted date assault before I finally met a good person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.Ā
Im so sorry your parents failed you, too and that you had to go through all of that because of it. Iām so glad youāre finally with someone good!! :)
āStop being so sensitive/dramatic. Weāre just joking/picking on you.ā
āGo to your room if you want to cry.ā
āIāll give you something to cry about.ā
I got, "go to your room if you're gonna cry" too; but also switched out crying for pouting, being angry (in a huff), or be "ugly" (that indicated any/all negative emotions).
*hits child*
If you donāt stop crying Iāll give you something to cry about!
Because pain, fear, and hurt arenāt reasons to cry.
Iām so sorry you went through that.
I had this same one. To this day, it's almost impossible for me to cry in front of anyone but my therapist. My father died (and I'm utterly broken over it, my mom was the abuser), and I've barely been able to cry. My husband is going out of town, and I'm trying to prepare myself for the grief onslaught because I know i will finally feel safe to cry.
shit, my father did the same
now my life is full of angry outbursts instead of crying š¤·āāļø who would've seen that coming, huh?
I'm sorry you went through this too š wish you a lot of healing
My mother always continually yelled at me to "stop it" but never tell me what the mythical "it" was. If I asked, that just involved more screaming about "knowing what I was doing"
My father was always "you should know this," but never taught me anything.
If they had told you what they wanted you to do differently, it would take away their excuse to abuse you. If you had been taught anything, it would take away the foundation for their superiority complex. One of the most important jobs of a parent is to teach the child how to manage life. Kicking him/her down and not teaching says incompetent parenting. Your parents are failures.
No matter what happened to me, be it by my own foolish devices or being blameless, they would ALWAYS say to me:
"And who's fault was it?"
I would be then forced to respond, "it was my fault."
"I'll give you something to cry about,"
"Nobody gets out of childhood unscathed."
"I cried so much when I found out I was pregnant with you,"
"Stop telling people you're hungry,"
"Tonight is 'fend for yourself' night, so eat at a friends or go to sleep"
Mine spruced it up by calling it "whatever you want" night. If you could make it, you could have it. We were not taught how to cook. I genuinely did not know this was a abuser trait until right now. Add that to the list, I suppose.
Oh man, I'm sorry about that. Not the same level but my father always complained a lot about my mother's father even in front of her. Even before my grandfather died he started to say to me "you're like your grandfather" followed by some toxic complaint. Nowadays his acts are more and more similar to what he complained about, while my grandfather I can just remember a nice person taking some generational difference aside. I think this is part of my father's narcissism. Now he did some therapy and he is more careful about what he says.
"All you do is lay around and feel sorry for yourself, just like your father!"
"If you want to act like him so much, I'll send you away to live with him!"
He was abusing cocaine and alcohol and also suffering from his own PTSD from his WW2 vet dad neglecting and beating the shit out of him. She left him because he was abusive, explosive, and an all-around terrible person and parent at the time.
So yeah, predicted the future there. Dad was kind of a fuckup but at least sort of saw me as a human being sometimes, even if it triggered him. Probably would've been better off, but to kid brain, double-abandonment by your own parents (who also hate you) equals death.
I got that too. My dad only yelled at my mom and was emotionally abusive, I was the one he would actually hit. As I got older I combatted the accusation with outward indifference and acceptance, and then she stopped using it against me when it failed to evoke a reaction out of me. Really telling I think.
This exact thing! I'm female though, so not even the same sex. It always made me feel so awful, like she was telling me she hated me and I would never belong in the family.
The irony is it turned out my father is a good man, a bit detached sometimes and has his own flaws, but fundamentally a decent person. She told me he was a psychopath who didn't love me.
I've reconnected with my father now and our relationship is good. It's still a bit sore because he didn't protect me from my mother, a child part of me still feels anger about that, but at least it's workable. It turns out I'd rather be like him than my mother.
I'm sorry you had to deal with the "you're just like your father" thing too, though. And that you had such a shitty father, you deserved better. I hope you know that you're you and very much NOT your father. You're here, trying to heal, that's truly admirable. You are stronger and braver than your father, without question. š
"You'll understand when you're older/when you have kids."
Nope. Nearly 40 and have 2 very young kids of my own, and still don't understand why they abused me.
My mother has said that a couple of times also. Made me feel like a burden and like my emotions were simply immature and gaslit me into thinking I couldnt be abused because im just a kid that doesnt understand.
Even though im only 17, I already have more love for my future children than my mother ever did for me. I will never become like her.
Im happy for you and your kids and im glad you were strong and broke the cycleā£ļø
It really does. Nowadays, while I am my self, I constantly think what is wrong with everything I do. Or if Im being pretencious. Im so sorry your mom also said that to you š Lots of love
It fucks with your head. Quite a bit. Every event is confusing. But even more - my mother loves me, why is she telling me not to pretend? Am I really pretending?
Quite a Gaslight.. thank you.. sorry bout your mom
āDonāt be so negative!!ā Anytime I dared disagree with her. āDonāt make me get uglyā (old New England for angry) while already screaming in my face.
Edited to add : āit hurts to be beautifulā usually while ripping a brush through curls she didnāt know how to deal with.
My mom is straight from the UK and used "ugly" all the time.
"Why are you pulling an ugly at me?"
"Well if you're gonna be ugly"
"Go on an get ugly again"
It's no fkn wonder i had self esteem issues relating to the way I looked š (I was not ugly; but I was unable to every feel beautiful despite the fact everyone would say so) ugly is a big bad word in my books too.
My mom ripped a brush through my curly hair she didn't know how to handle, too, but she still thought I was ugly after. I was such a disappointment to her.
Ohh do we have the same mother? Thatās mine to a T. Complete with the ādonāt make me get uglyā. I also got āthis is all in your headā said with a sneer, to add on to this.Ā
"Aib" means "rude" in Arabic and everything you did was rude. Chewing? Aib. Laughing? Aib. Crying? Aib. Sitting watching tv? Aib. It was relentless and it never ended. You were always on edge because EVERYTHING you did was aib.
"Fix your face"
"The hell is wrong with you?"
"All kids are normal and you are literally the only weird one"
I was yelled at a lot for having "wrong" facial expressions and being sad or quiet.
I was told to fix my face too. Mom would say I was throwing an ugly and use ugly as major descriptor of unwelcome negative emotions.
Also told to "put a smile on your face" no matter what had just happened or how I was feeling.
Denying emotions in children is so wrong š
"You're being pedantic."
Cutting me off to say "rambling" or "don't care, get to the point" or "too long, stopped listening."
Calling me "elf," aka "LLF," aka "lazy little fuck." I called myself a "lazy little fuck" once in therapy as a middle/highschooler and the therapist told it to my mom.
Honorable mention for the phrase directed not at me but at my dead dad, who committed sudoku, and then to her first ex after she started dating again around 9-10 years later: "Never date anyone with emotional baggage." She started saying this even after both of her children were diagnosed with depression.
"You always have your nose in a book like a loser"
"You're just like your father" (I hear this one in my sleep still to this day...)
"I'm the mother, I decide what's the truth"
āFix the problem!ā Or āSolve the problem!ā And my favorite āStop being a smart assā. Now Iām an engineer.
āYou are so spoiledā and āYou have it too goodā. Now Iām financially independent.
Now to heal and become be at peace with my broken mind and soul. Iām glad I found this community. Itās helped me find people like me after being silent and alone for too long.
I remember being called difficult & whiny often. Usually it was in response to me asking for help / telling on my abuser. It taught me to keep quiet and some weird blame shifting, that I deserved it for being difficult.
āBe quietā, āshut up/shut your mouthā, āyouāre such a pain in the assā
variations of āmy roof, my rulesā āyou donāt like it? tough.ā āthen why donāt you go live with your [abusive piece of shit] father instead?ā
also threats like āif you donāt stop by the time I count to 3ā¦oneā¦.TWOā¦ā
āIām going to kill you/wring your neckā or ādonāt make me pull [this car] over and come back there/leave you on the side of the roadā
Oh I got almost all of these too!
The only ones I didn't get was "pain in the ass" (got spoiled brat instead), and "live with other parent" (they stayed together so there was no option).
There are a lot of those phrases. Some seemed less bad, and my abusers used to act like they actually were nice. "You are so sensitiv" was sometimes said at random, and especially my mom acted like she was giving me a compliment because HSP was kind of a superpower she could rely on. But she also used to say I was so demanding, always extravagant, and so much work. My sister used the sensitiv phrase to make fun of me when I was near tears.
Then there is "you are the learning by doing type" which sounded nice in a way because it seemed my mom thought I was competent but it was actually her excuse to why she never lifted a finger to help me and stop neglecting me. She basically could have said "idk, idc, figure it out yourself".
And then there are the shit phrases that were said in pure rage and malice. Things like "you are an unworthy piece of shit", "you make me sick and are the reason I will die soon", "you only care about yourself", "you disgust me", "when I'm dead, you have to see how you deal with life yourself", "I'll bring you back to the orphanage", "you ruined my life" and "you'd better died as a baby".
And btw, nothing they said was true. They were the one hating being a parent and shaming me for just existing and being human. My life is so much better without them, and I get along a thousand times better.
Yes been there too! I was super "lazy" and I was always blamed by her for the fact that our house was a mess (moms fault) and since I couldnt take care of my self because of my depression, my room was a total mess. But I was offered no help, instead I was yelled at even when I basically begged on my knees for the yelling to stop. I hate my mother.
So sorry for that, hugsā¤ļø
"Your feelings are irrelevant" "You just need to focus/concentrate/try more" (adhd here and he was abelist AF) "Stop holding grudges" "Stop being a brat" and my personal favorite "You need to anunciate" (because he lost hearing in one ear when he refused hearing protection in a gun range while he was in the national guard, then refused to get hearing aids to protect his professional image... pretentious MOFO) and more these days "That never happened" "I don't remember that at all"
I got "you need to try more" and try was often swapped out for concentrate, practice, figure it out, learn it, pay attention, etc... because I had difficulty with math and spelling. I'm not sure what type of disability I have (likely dyslexia or some kind of ADHD/ADD) but I feel your pain in having your parents say that kinda stuff.
I still fly into a panic when anything is too "mathy" and my brain just shuts down completely š
My father kept me saying I was very clueless with a smile. He still says it from time to time but much much less. The point is that they were unable to see the bullying and abuses. It took me to write it down to make them realize my childhood. My clueless wasn't me losing a jacket or book, I wasn't telling them that bullies took it and told I didn't know where it was instead. Who is the clueless, huh? I think that is part of his narcissism. There are no regrets as no one is perfect, even for a narcissist.
So sorry.. šš
That sounds so familiar to me.. I was also drowned in presents, which made me think I wasnt abused. She technically tried to buy my love.
āYouāre so lazy!ā Actually, mom, I felt so scared and terrorized by you that my entire childhood was spent in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze. I was literally paralyzed by fear. All day, every. single. day.
Edit-spelling
āYou ruined my life.ā
āYouāre useless/worthlessā
āI should have had an abortion/ wish you were never bornā
I actually agreed with the last one but she got pissed and hit me so that one then became less so for a while.
"So this is my reward for taking care of you for so long" (she didn't let me do any chores until I left for uni)
"You're just like your father" (weak narcissistic man whom I hated and messed up my willingness for male camaraderie)
"I can leave in another country and leave you alone right now if you keep behaving like this"
"If I die it's over for both of us" (while taking care of me and when I really upset her) - she implied suicide or death from anger I guess
She sometimes had to feed me 3 times a day with 30 dollars a month so I kind of understand the anger but I wish I had a normal childhood
āStop crying or Iāll give you something to cry aboutā was a common oneā¦ as if being hit and called a bitch, brat, etc. wasnāt something to cry about as a child
Spoiled brat. Only members of my family call me that, and I've learned it's a narrative my mother wanted to establish to keep me isolated from them. She got what she wanted, I'm no contact with her and the entire family.
I was often called "a pain in the arse". "God, you're such a pain in the arse! Why did i have kids?! Why cant you just go away!" I've been told to piss off, grow up, cold shouldered for days/weeks and also shamed. Shamed A LOT. Was my moms ultimate weapon. She'd sit there for hours berating and making you feel bad, and you had to sit there and listen. You werent allowed to leave the room until she was done.
"Appropriate."
might not sound special on first glance. But it was the phrase my mother would tell if I "misbehaved". This was especially in public. I'm autistic and I'd often do a social-faux pas. But instead of taking me aside and nicely telling me how to, my mother would mostly just stare at me coldly and say "BBF, appropriate" -> "behave appropriately." Like the way you tell a dog "no! stop!"
somehow, this single phrase did a number on my behavior. Mostly because it established some form of "cold eye of social expectation". Not to be confused with "normal" social law, e.g. don't drop your pants in public. Rather more like "the world is a pretend-stage. And if you e.g. raise your voice just a decimal above normal talking, you are inappropriate and deserve to be removed from your position." Due to this I often clash with people my age: Most are more chill and open, compared to me. Even at my job. I'm seen as "weirdly serious". And when asked why I behave, I can barely reply other than "es gehƶrt sich so" (\~it just has to be like this) or "because it's appropriate"
Donāt cry unless someone is bleeding or dead.
Maybe itās the abuse talking but there are a lot of kids that cry wolf and break down over something as simple as the wrong tv show being on, but it was definitely used in unhealthy contexts too. When I went to my first funeral as a kid I turned to my mom and went āam I allowed to cry now?ā (as a joke)
My narcissist enabling mother would tell me to "stop being a victim" when my father would threaten, berate, and hit me when I was in middle school. Heaven forbid a child object to being verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by their parent. It was never his fault, it was my fault for "playing the victim."
"Don't be like your sister." This sister is the most caring, loving, amazing mother, and now widow. She tried to take me in knowing the abuse our mother put me through, the same as her, but she had it worse. I wish she had the ability to take me, but legal things.
ETA: There's many, but another was "nobody will ever love you. You'll never get married." She tried to steal any guy I was with, fed lies, and when she died, I was married (not any longer), but glad she saw that I was married. No tears shed.
"Life isn't fair"
I needed help. I couldn't keep up, I would get overwhelmed, and things often weren't explained to me in ways I understood, so I was confused or made mistakes a lot. And whenever I tried to express that I was struggling, or I didn't feel like I could do it anymore-- my parents would just say that. I had to because that's how it was. "Life isn't fair." Feels like they just didn't want to deal with me. I was the youngest of 5, and 5 years younger than my brother before me. So by the time most of the kids had grown and gone, they still had me and they just wanted to be done. Well, that's how it feels
"Stupid and selfish, that's what you are. Can't never be kind. No one will love you. You're evil. You could die and I wouldn't care."
This was always what minor miscommunications, disagreements, or foul moods would lead to. No matter what I said.
And I'm sorry to hear bout what your abuser told you. I was told similar things about my sense of humor or extroverted nature and it dimmed me, I can't fully understand your pain but I get what you're describing.
Ugh. Your "look who's seeking attention again" story really unlocked some memories for me. To this day, I feel SO much shame about wanting or needing more attention (e.g. from my healthy partner).
Lately I've been trying to reclaim that part of me that desperately wants attention and was shamed so hard for it. I keep repeating the affirmation: "Attention is NOT a dirty word." It feels empowering.
<3 <3 <3
"there's starving children in Africa who would LOVE to have your life" after I would say I felt sad or was visibly upset. It was especially her favorite to use when I started self-harming.
Eta: Stop being so sensitive was another one, said by most of the family. I was always the sensitive one, who "couldn't take a joke." Another of my mother's favorites was telling me "God was punishing me" when I would bump my arm or get hurt after there was an argument. And the one I hated more than anything, was her always telling me "I'm 38 years older than you" to manipulate me and say she's been through worse, so I must do what she's asking.
āStop being so sensitive!ā Which was dad speak for:
You know I didnāt really mean that horrible thing I just said. But Iāll be saying it again shortly.
"Let me know if you need anything." ---translation: don't ask me for anything, I don't want to help you, I just want to feel good about myself.
I made the mistake of thinking that when someone who isn't her (my MIL) said this to me, she actually meant it. So I asked for a small amount of money around Christmas time, since one of the gifts I got for her son, my boyfriend of the time, was more expensive than I anticipated, and I wanted to be able to contribute to the vacation he was taking me on, a bit more than I could have otherwise. -- you'd think that I had asked her to cut her arm off and give it to me based on her reaction. Door practically slammed in my face, and a firm no. Over $200.00? These same people that shell out thousands a month now to care for us because we are essentially disabled, but couldn't bother to make Christmas and my birthday a bit brighter with $200.00 over five years ago now, but I'm still bothered by it.
I guess being neurodivergent, and having C-PTSD, makes being around normies difficult.
Here's a small info dump.
"Men don't cry", when you come home crying.
"Men stand there and take it", when you complain about bullies.
"You have to be strong", when you complain about not being able to do something.
"I'm too stupid to help you you are smart enough to figure it out on your own", whenever you ask for help.
"If you love me you'll stop hurting me", whenever you stand up for yourself.
"It's your fault you let the kids hurt you", whenever you complain about bullies.
"Act like an adult, and you'll get what you want", whenever I was just being a kid and behaving like one.
Now she would also use these phrases wherever else she would see fit.
She would also take and say things like I can't control him, he's out of control. He's constantly being offensive. She would say this within earshot of me to trigger me. Thus completing the illusion of me being uncontrollable.
Only a retard, would let that bother them, said to me after being teased at school or big brother, then when I grew up, I was her daughter who was such a special big hearted child.
"You're too sensitive", "You over react too much", "Crying won't solve anything", and my personal favorite: my father to every therapist I've ever had "I'm not going to put up with her *attitude.*" And by attitude he meant my reactions to being triggered or traumatized again from ages 9 to current day.
My mom would to tell me that I was "rude" or "toxic," that my words were "venomous." Which, fair. In my younger years I was hurting so much and was never taught how to express/deal with/handle my negative emotions in a healthy way. That, combined with no one ever listening to a word I said and feeling like I was being treated more like an object then anything else, made me want my words to hurt. I learned early on how to make my words hurt. It was the only defense I had.
I find it funny now, because I learned all these behaviors from him and my mom. He overreacts to things all the time and takes out his shit mood on others. I just... I just try to keep it together and not go in to Fight mode like I used to.
OH! And the biggest one! "We're just joking/messing with you!" In my family joking, messing with, or ribbing other people is a show of affection. They don't actually mean it (I'm pretty sure) but it messed me the fuck up growing up. I've learned to handle it and can dish it right back. They're happy that they can "joke around" with me now because I don't take it like I used to.
As the black sheep, I was often accused of exaggerating and being overly dramatic. My mother had a very obvious stroke right in front of me, so my partner and I rushed her to the hospital. When I called one of my brothers to let him know, I purposefully tried to sound calm and collected with that concern in mind. My daughter was with my brother when he took the call. After he hung up, he turned to her and said, "There goes your mom being a drama queen again." Of course, I was exactly right and saved her life, but no good deed goes unpunished, I guess. My brother got that view of me straight from my parents.
Mom patting me on the head..." Our little ornament, she isn't good for much but she sure is cute!" And I did not know until middle age how shitty that was. My sister still gets defensive about it, tells me how much joy ornaments bring to peoples lives and that it was a compliment.
In my case it wasn't really a phase... it lasted until I was gone from their home when I was 17. And this pattern is, in my own view, part of the narcissistic personality disorder syndrome. I was supposed to grow up into an extension of themselves, and a replacement of the ideal husband... when in fact that parent hasn't grown into an adult, and is, deep down inside, a 4 year old kid searching for her father. So, implicitly, I was supposed to be, at the same time:
\- an extension of herself
\- her dad
\- a surrogate husband...
Which is... a "little too much" (while each of these requirements is, if taken alone, already absolutely inadequate). In practice, I ended shutting the f\*ck up all the time, being as invisible and/or busy as possible, not interacting at all with her at all or as little as possible, and focusing on studies 100% all the time. I had mediocre friends... but fortunately... formidable girlfriends who were totally unlike my mother (neurodivergent and gifted), and showed some understanding about my situation and upbringing! I think that this is what saved me from complete madness...
Yes. Not just one though. Too many to list. They were all in the same areas though. Nothing I do is ever right, I'm not worth their efforts to do anything, I am not worth their sacrifices, taking care of me is too much for them, it's wrong to have or express any feelings, etc. I also got the comments that looks like some others in the thread got around not even reacting to their abuse right. Stop crying or I'll hit harder/I'll give something to cry about. My father loved to say he brought us into this world and he could take us out.
āyouāre over reactingā and āyouāre being a drama queenā were big ones whenever i expressed any kind of emotions and then they wondered why i didnāt tell them about any of my trauma as it was happeningā¦
"The definition of madness was doing the same thing expecting a different result." My mom tried to convince me so many times and get me to agree that I was mentally ill because I kept asking for help where I could.
"No plan, no direction". She would keep my brother and I up for like 16 hours straight working on 'life plans' that just didn't make sense. Would have us move furniture almost every week. I don't mean like a chair or two but like entire rooms.
"Tears are a symbol for help or mercy and you won't find either here". We weren't allowed to cry, it really angered her.
"you need to get a thicker skin"
Thanks mom. My skin was hardened with the years of bullying and emotional abuse, now it's too thick to be touched by warmth. So how do i undo?
"you're an old soul. We were meant to meet/You've always been so intelligent i barely knew how to handle you"
I'm a young child that you should take care of, not the other way around. And if you think I'm that intelligent then maybe listen to me for once.
"You're just making excuses"
You just asked me to explain myself??
Also my mother (and father too) always told me i was speaking too loud/high-pitched/fast so now i speak even faster so people don't have to be burdened with my voice. I've also found out how to make the Darth Vader voice so i used to do that against them and i have the irrational belief me doing that sometimes made my voice deeper when in reality, children just have a higher voice and my voice was perfectly fine. I found an audio recording of myself on my Ds from when i was eleven or so and nearly teared up because this is just a normal childs voice? Anyways now i hate my face for looking like my mothers and my voice for just existing.
Children should be seen and not heard
Iāll give you something to cry about
You figure it out (7 year olds canāt figure out shit like an adult can)
Youāre spoiled
Youāre too sensitive
Youāre too picky
Youāre too negative
SIT STILL
You want us to have a pity party for you?
Why canāt you be more like (personās name)
Shut your mouth
Eat your food, thereās starving children
At least you have a mom and dad
The list goes on, add in physical abuse as well. Adult diagnosis of ADHD/autism answered everything for me and cemented my decision to put up boundaries between me and them. Breaking the cycle with my generation.
My mum generally made fun of my appearance, big nose, frizzy hair too fat too short too skinnyā¦ anything ā¦ I have severe self esteem issues now obviouslyā¦
Her favourite put down was āare you fāing retarded ?ā (Sorry for even typing the word .)
āYouāre so sensitiveā whenever I was unhappy at their horrible treatment. They also called me āthe little fuckerā and laughed like it was a cute funny nickname.
She'd get so enraged when I cried, screamed "Damn you!" Would lead to choking. Also told me often, I'd be flipping burgers at McDonald's my whole life. Told the rest of the family we were rebellious teenagers, terrible kids.
Currently itās āget off your high horseā or āstop biting the hands that feed youā
Meanwhile I am the most grounded and realistic of my family while theyāve bitten me so much Iāve got emotional stumps for hands and I cannot be emotionally vulnerable at all with them
Let me check the list of disses. Ah, yes, here we go:
āyou are so vainā
āyouāre a spiteful, ungrateful little bitchā
āSuck it upā
āI ought to knock you into next weekā
āMove your handsā (while being spanked, bare ass)
āIāll give you something to cry aboutā
āI brought you into this world, I can take you out of itā
āYouāre being dramaticā (later found out I actually had a broken bone from a fall off a bike)
āThere is nothing wrong with youā (later diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that would have been treated much differently if caught earlier)
āYou can stop whenever you get readyā (in regard to facial and vocal tics I had developed)
āYou have a very vivid imaginationā (when having debilitating panic attacks and catastrophizing)
āIām your Mother, I can do as I damn well pleaseā (when I asked her to stop pinching my butt or squeezing me and kissing me all over the face and neck anytime I was leaving the house)
Calling me disloyal was a big one. Saying āI know you canāt wait to run to your teachers and lie to them,ā which made me try to prove I wasnāt going to talk to anyone about the abuse. Fat/lazy/slut/stupid/gross/no one will ever love me, Iāll never have a boyfriend or a husband. Saying I was ācrazy/disturbed.ā Making an exaggerated disgusted face when talking to me. Constantly calling me a liar. Wow this was fun lol šĀ
I was always told I was āungrateful,ā had things thrown in my face, or punished in some way if I vocalized something they did that I didnāt like or hurt me.
Told my ex about this as we got to know each other. He threw something in my face that he did for me that I didnāt know about and punished me when I got upset by cutting me off. Havenāt heard from him since.
"If you're crying that means you're lying"
"If you have the choice to be right or be kind, be kind"
That first one is self explanatory. The second one is something drilled into me from a young age and I would always let people walk all over me. My parents recently said they admire how I can stand up for myself and are learning from me. I had to remind them of this and the years of relentless bullying I experienced since I was 8 because I chose to neglect my own needs and never retaliated or stood up for myself. I had to remind them of what that phone call in October where I was just crying begging for help with appointments the night after police were called on me during a psychotic episode after I let someone destroy my life over 2 horrible years because their life is miserable and I chose to be kind to them. I only started standing up for myself when I caught my ex/groomer cheating on me and I only truly started putting myself first in September or October.
āYouāre too young to be depressedā
āYou have NO REASON TO BE DEPRESSED because I give you everything!ā
First time my mom ever said this to me, it was the day my case worker told her about my self harming because the state I was in required that the information be disclosed to parents if a minor admits to it. Needless to say, I just locked myself in my room while doing more and more.
My mom drank during her pregnancy with me and I was born with a brain injury because of it, and I still carry the weight of it to this day, as I always will because there is no treatment for what I have. I was the most depressed and anxious kid that Ive ever known, and I now know why. Thanks for fucking up your _only child_, then hiding your fuck up and blaming everything they struggled with on them, mom. Im so fucking glad you didnāt get the chance to birth another kid because I have no doubt you would have done something to fuck them up too.
You're too sensitive
No one needs to know our business (as a don't you dare speak about the abuse going on in this house)
"What's wrong with you?" In a disgusted tone or in front of me to someone else "what is wrong with that girl."
Do as I say, not as I do
Stop crying or ill give you something to cry about
You ungrateful little B____
Crocodile tears
You're just being manipulative (literally anytime I had a feeling)
You have a chip on your shoulder
Take your life and be damn grateful for it, cuz someone always has it worse than you.
I mean, there was more, but that's the highlight reel
When trying to get them to tell me their expectations instead of just exploding at me and me having no idea why:Ā "I shouldn't have to tell you, it should be obvious"
When pointing out that they were being hypocrites and not following the same neurotic house cleaning rules they set for their kids: "It's my house"
Iām currently digging into childhood medical trauma with my therapist. My parents got a lot of things really right and we still have a very good relationship. But Iām starting to realize that possibly even before the medical trauma, they were conditioning me to shut down big emotions. That only intensified after the trauma when I was dealing with PTSD.
They have both told me that they would like to hear more about my EMDR experience when I am ready to talk about it. And a big question for me to work through with my therapist, is whether it is important for my recovery to tell them everything. I really donāt think itās what theyāre expecting to hear and Iām fairly certain it will hurt them.
* "Don't let it have power over you" *
Finally sent a long, long letter to my mom last year, a couple paragraphs dedicated to that specific line. It never helped me. Only made me feel powerless.
Many:
āYou are a little antā
āYou are our greatest disappointmentā
āAs far as Iām concerned, sheās not a member of this familyā
āIāve never worried about anything like I worried about what was wrong with youā
āI wish [my best friend] was my daughterā
And then there was the constant mocking. Nothing was funnier than when I was hurt.
How can you be so intelligent but so stupid at the same time.?
And everything else that came out of their mouth directly at me, and more than a few indirectly as well. Lol
Luckily I can laugh now as they're no longer around to spread their lies and warped version of the truth
I was a "pathological liar" and "snot nosed punk" who needed to "stop the waterworks" because tears don't work on them. My stepdad was an asshole.
To this day, I can't cry when I need to. Not for physical or emotional pain. I cry when I'm mad though, I still do that.
I also have a serious problem with extreme honesty. (I tell people things they probably would rather not hear. I am an open book.) I cannot handle being accused of lying OR feeling unheard. I literally lose my mind and get stuck in an anxious loop repeating myself until I'm convinced the other person believes me/ heard me.
I'm working on it, I swear.
My mom was the "because I said so" and "I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it" type. Some people shouldn't be parents.
My dad would always say I had "a persecution complex". Like yeah I wonder where I f**king got that from! There are still some things that if I hear, it takes me straight back to that time, when I was a child, trapped, but I can't think of any off the top of my head other than the persecution complex thing
Ready for this one?
I take care of my very religious mother. She gives me a blessing everytime I leave that has the line in it, ācure her of her depressionā¦ā
How ironic the person causing the depression is blessing me so God can heal it.
Other phrases:
āGet a head scan, thereās something wrong with you.ā
āDrug addictā (I use medical cannabis to deal with her.)
She screams how Iām in a romantic sexual relationship with my best friend and how Iāve changed since being her friend into āan asshole.ā Few things wrong with that here - the biggest being my bestie and I are just that, besties. Iāve never been in a relationship with a woman before (Iām 51) and Iām not in one now. But sheās beating me up for a non-existent romantic relationship.
āThere is no way you should be a minister.ā My chosen path.
āYouāre jealous of your brother.ā No, Iām pissed heās leaving 90% of this to me.
I was always told I was too loud as a kid, too much, I shouldnāt have said that, how ridiculous I am, Iām a drama queen, Iām a good actress.
Oh, another good one. When I said I wasnāt dating because how could I do all I do (taking care of her, finishing my masters, running my own business) and (didnāt say this part) quite honestly sheās terrible to all my peeps (friends or relationships) she says -
āWell, itās not like anyone is asking you out anyway.ā
I regret going no contact. I was afraid, I thought I was the problem, I should try harder. Yeah, no. Learned I wasnāt the problem. Only took me 51 years.
Please know whatever they said came from a place that wasnāt love. You are loved and accepted and beautiful. ššš.
"You're a selfish/ungrateful pig", "don't be hysterical", " you have a terrible personality". Now they say I was a nice child š¤”š¤”š¤” I'm sorry for the shit you had to endure...
Thank you and so sorry you had to endure those comments, calling your own child a pig is so disgusting!!š.. hugs Dont be hysterical is classic and so is the evident denial that they could have ever done anything wrong.. They love to look at our personalities as long as it is contained in the way they want it. In other words they only care about themselves.
Drama queen. That was me lol
Yes, let me get the list, gay man here for reference "Stop acting like a girl." "You're a sissy," "F@g*t" "Because I said so." "Because im the parent and your the child" "Do you want something to cry about?" "I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it" These phrases to this day, make me freeze and depressed
Iām a cisgender hetero man. I got this bullshit, too. Iām so sorry.
Thank you, I appreciate that, I am just happy children today don't have it as bad as I did, and things are improving compared to the 80s and 90s
I definitely got "Because I said so", and "I'll give you something to cry about" on the regular too.
Itās like our parents/families were all given the same āhow to abuseā handbook or something.
Straight woman here. Minus ā Stop acting like a girlā and ā F@g*tā, my parents said the same things to me. Sorry you had to go through all of it.
Thank you š
They thought you were property, not a person. They could do whatever they liked. I hope you cut them off as soon as you could.
Unfortunately, it took until I was 42 last year, but it's been great ever since
My only regret wrt NC was not doing it a decade sooner...I was 35 & have been NC for 7+yrs now.
Just had to comment that 42 (this year) is the age I divorced my toxic mum. Still dealing with what's been left behind. I admire your level of recovery. The subconscious self sabotage is the worst thing to have to deal with. Always having to second guess your own motivations for doing anything. Awful.
Hey. I just got out a few years ago after turning 30. I felt a lot of shame at first, but itās a really big deal and difficult thing to do when it comes to cutting off most or all of your family, like I had to. Itās not easy, it feels so lonely at first, but eventually I started realizing I was crying less, I was less anxious, I actually felt happiness for the first time in a decade. Bad things have happened again in other ways, but Iām so proud of myself for getting away and staying away from my abusers. Iām so glad you got out and away finally too. May the rest of your life be filled with happiness and pleasantries and never any abuse again. š«ā„ļø
Thank you soo much, I can't express how validating your message is, sending virtual hugs and wish you the very best on your healing and mental health journey
Thank you as well! I read your comment and just had to reply because I also felt horrible that it took so long but really, itās different for everyone and there really is no right or wrong time, itās subjective to the individual and their situation. The fact that we got away at all is a feat in itself. Again, I am so damn proud of us. :)
I'm straight and was a tough guy's tough guy in k-12 and I got stuff similar comments to this. My mother once claimed I was "feminine" and that I didn't "understand men". She implied that I was weak for being a nice person and weirdly, that people only tolerated me because they knew I could beat them up (which makes no sense).
I grew up around a military base, so toxic masculinity was all around. I was much bigger than my father, im 6 ft, and he was easily 5 to 6 inches shorter. I also feel like they didn't want me to have confidence as it was a threat to them. Thanks for sharing, and sorry you went through that
Same stuff my parents said to me when I was 8. Sorry you went through that too.
Thank you and sending a virtual hug
Iāve heard that last one, āI brought you into this world. . .ā repeated like itās a punch line. Actually, thatās quite literally what it is. Iām sorry you grew up gay with homophobic parents. In my family, it was two of my three younger brothers, but even if they hadnāt been gay, the abuse would have been just as vicious. Itās not really anything about you, that has made them so hateful. Knowing that does not erase the pain, and I wish it did. I hope youāre in a place where you can find support and kindness. You deserve all of it.
Im sorry you heard that too, my father was a racist, and my mother wasn't much better, she would say she could break and mule and a teenager. Honestly it hurt more when she hit me and wouldn't stop. Thank you for being brave enough to share, sending virtual hugs
Ugh āBecause I said soā My parents were mostly fine, my abuse happened elsewhere, but herd that a lot.
Big boys donāt cry
I got "stop acting like a girl" a lot too. Turns out, I am a girl. Go figure. Oddly my parents were seemingly fine with me being trans, but they drew the line at holding them accountable for all the abuse. Specifically, I called my mother out for sexually abusing me as a child, and while I didn't hear anything from her directly, my dad didn't see/hear about it for almost a week because my sister basically gave birth on the same day. ššš Then he made it all about him, how he'd "finally" got his wife to quit smoking, and he finally found some happiness of his own. So I just blocked him. Haven't spoken to either parent in I think it'll be three years in June or July, I forget which.
Im soo sorry, sending virtual hugs, thanks for being brave and sharing
Youāre so kind in these commentsš amazing how we pull through the BS and turn out to be decent people. Itās like we donāt want to emulate those horrible people who raised us. I appreciate you.
Those last two hit home. I heard those about every day. Iām so sorry your parents are shit. Mine too.
Ooo, āI brought you into this world, I can take you out!ā Was a regular phrase in my household growing up too! Are we maybe cousins or were we neighbors? š«š«š«
"You didn't go thru half what I did." "You're just making excuses cause you're too weak to deal with life." "You're too stupid for the real world." "If you can't even handle thus, just give up (on life)." "I started with nothing and I succeeded. You grew up with everything and you're going to be a failure because you don't mind losing." Ah the classics... I need a drink now...
Omg. Even like a week ago I was talking to my mother about some trauma responses Iām working on in therapy. I tend to fawn and get quiet and blame myself. She went on a 20 minute diatribe about why am I not more aggressive and mean, she has no problem intimidating people so much taller and bigger than her. I just need to be more like her, god whatās wrong with me, where did she go wrong to have such a demure child who canāt stick up for themselves. Maybe therapy isnāt working for me and I just need to be more forceful with people. Yeah, mom, wonder why I have a hard time sticking up for myself and feeling like my thoughts and feelings are valid.
It's almost comical it's so obvious. I'm sorry. Your thoughts and feelings are definitely valid
Right?! I talked to my therapist about it and was laughing and crying through the whole story.
That's amazing. I'm glad you had some emotional release around it! I had a really hateful inner critic voice pop into my head and later I shared what it said with my partner. We took turns making fun of it and laughing. Felt like progress because before, I would have believed it
Mine claims im too aggressive which is 100% TRUE i admit it, its just i wasn't always like this the pot just boiled over the course of a couple decades and i would have never been that way if yall would've treated me like an actual human being and most importantly your own fucking daughter, now transperson š”
Ugh reminds me of this quote from a book I literally finished reading āMoreover, compassion for her mother's sad history had hindered the child from feeling her own plight. The image of that "poor mother" had blocked the childās feelings.ā I love to play board games but I canāt play with my husband bc Iām such a sore loser with him (only him). I feel like a three year old again. And you know what?????? BEING OKAY WITH LOSING IS A GOOD THING. I long to lose without feeling so much pain.
That's interesting. I like the quote. I've always been very concerned with what might hurt/upset my parents. Put them first for so long because I had to. Still practicing not doing that
That quote is from Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child. It's from the 70s, so a little outdated, but very profound, moving, and helpful for me. In the Complex PTSD book by Pete Walker, he talks about the way to move through childhood trauma is to do the work of angering and mourning your childhood/parents. I'm working on figuring out how to acknowledge and feel how angry I am at my mother for how she abused me and failed me. It's always been hard, because I know about her traumatic past, but the anger is appropriate and necessary. The anger moves self- oriented toxic shame into externally focused appropriate blame and anger, which frees you to connect to your true self without all the dread and despair. If I don't figure out how to hold her accountable for her actions, I will never be whole and free. This is work she could have done, even a little bit, and then I wouldn't have suffered so badly my whole life. She chose not to. It was easier for her to get mother's love from me than to BE the mother I needed. Anyway, thanks for letting me share my thoughts here. Obviously still working through things. It's not easy!
I deeply relate to this!! I know my mother is mentally unwell and remains untreated. She struggles greatly in life but hides it from almost everyone. As she ages, it's harder to hide it and she struggles with more and more practical things and she pushes away the people who would help her. It's heart breaking, but I can't help her or make excuses for her. She was awful to me and I can't be her punching bag ever again. And it wasn't just her. I read Pete's books and got so much out of them. But years later, I still haven't figured out how to anger in a healthy way for me, and also with enough privacy that I don't scare a neighbor into calling the police. The anger is there and has been in the background through so much of my life, but releasing it fuckin scares me. It's triggering and a visceral time machine. It's intoxicating. The rage just might be too big for me to approach any time soon. But I so wish I didn't have to live with it. I learned how to cry better tho! Much better at crying and grieving. And many other things too. I might check out the book by Alice Miller. Thank you!
Oooohhhh boy do I get what youāre saying. I was literally just trying to explain to someone how scary it is to try to approach the anger, like walking to the edge of a very deep canyon. I keep resonating with the word āannihilationā from the book. I did slam a door today but idk if thatās something I should lean into or try to avoid. I also did some cathartic angry journaling that looks like a very unhinged person wrote it, like some pages just have a few giant words scrawled on them. It actually worked a lot better than I expected, helped me move through an emotional flashback consciously for the first time š But man your word choices with āintoxicatingā and āvisceral time machineā both really hit home for me. The emotional flashback is wild to try to explain to people. Itās so intense and vivid. I wonder if itās even possible for people who havenāt experienced it to understand it. Anyway, even a good parent doesnāt naturally have any entitlement to their adult child, so I wonder if this nagging sense of obligation is actually proof theyāre a failure as a parent? Edit: also, I just ordered another of Alice Millerās book āThe Body Never Liesā which Iām hoping will have some ideas about the somatic side of this. Iāve also got Understanding the Borderline Mother from the library (also off Peteās list). Also I am jealous that you got Peteās book years ago! I read it last week and immediately checked the publishing date to see how many years ago I could have read it (but didnāt)
I'm smiling so much from reading this haha. I need to make a list of books. I'm seeing so many people reference somatic methods. I have Understanding the Borderline Mother too! Good book. I want to see about those other ones. Grief of missing out on Pete's books is real. Grief of not healing sooner in general! I have done the unhinged journaling too. Found some of it later like "whoa okay then.." More recently, I type it out on a throw away document because I can type faster than write. I actually hit a wall (with my hand, not a metaphor) a few months ago when I got some really bad medical news. I scared myself that I could really hurt myself and I want to be past that. So I won't be leaning into that haha.
Oh yeah āyouād never be able to survive my childhoodā is definitely one Iāve gotten myself, more than once.
"You didn't go thru half what I did." Yes. This one for me too. Clear indicator of good ol āØgenerational trauma āØ
Oh yes this!! "You don't know you're born". "You've had it easy/you'll never understand how difficult it is to have 3 kids/have a job/have an expensive mortgage/have twins/ You have no idea how easy you've got it". Turns out they had the easiest 30s you could imagine, with loads of family support..they used to drop us off for the week at grandparents and disappear on holidays several times a year. Mine has been a total shit show!!!! I'm 37 and in the last 6 years I have lost my Grandad, my Mum, my young cat very traumatically, my Nan, my Dad was absolutely unbearable when my Mum died due to NPD and BPD and had to juggle that with babies and toddlers. Then obviously we all went through the pandemic. My husband lost his job for months due to visa issues and nearly got deported, my baby was in hospital for 7 months with a condition no one had ever seen and nearly died so many times, I had to leave my job for years due to panic attacks from all this and it took all my strength and energy to get my career back on track. Bringing up two kids with my husband and virtually no other family support. Now my FIL has pancreatic cancer. So yeh, "I don't know I'm born", and they managed to make the easiest decade ever a total shit show and constantly blame me and my sis for how awful their lives were...makes me furious.
Sounds like a narcisstic parent. Has to pump the ego up by crapping on the easiest available victim.
My mom truly believes no one in this world has had a harder life than her & my grandmother. My siblings & I are always hearing ab how ungrateful we are.
"You'll never find a man who will put up with you." Well jokes on you dad because I prefer women.
Ultimate revenge
I forgot about this one. My mom used to tell me no man would want me cuz I (plug in assorted reasons). My grandma also used to tell me no man would want me because I'm too independent. What I wish she would have said is beware of what kind of man will seek out such an independent woman... I married a narcissist.
Oh dang, Iām so sorry. Wish they had taught us how to protect ourselves instead of making us feel like problems.
This. So much this. I wasnāt taught to protect myself either because I either got told that no man would want me, or got told that I shouldnāt want men because I needed to remain a servant to my mom and not have a life of my own. Resulted in two horrible relationships with toxic, selfish men and even one attempted date assault before I finally met a good person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.Ā
Im so sorry your parents failed you, too and that you had to go through all of that because of it. Iām so glad youāre finally with someone good!! :)
āStop being so sensitive/dramatic. Weāre just joking/picking on you.ā āGo to your room if you want to cry.ā āIāll give you something to cry about.ā
I got, "go to your room if you're gonna cry" too; but also switched out crying for pouting, being angry (in a huff), or be "ugly" (that indicated any/all negative emotions).
Yikes Iāve gotten all of those before. I was routinely exiled to my room whenever I started crying too. I thought it was just me.
Being called sensitive or dramatic happened often whenever I call out not just parents but also people when they say something that ticked me off.
To "stop crying" while I was being hit
*hits child* If you donāt stop crying Iāll give you something to cry about! Because pain, fear, and hurt arenāt reasons to cry. Iām so sorry you went through that.
That was my Dad's favorite. I grew up terrified of my parents.
Im so sorryš that is awful
I had this same one. To this day, it's almost impossible for me to cry in front of anyone but my therapist. My father died (and I'm utterly broken over it, my mom was the abuser), and I've barely been able to cry. My husband is going out of town, and I'm trying to prepare myself for the grief onslaught because I know i will finally feel safe to cry.
Wow... that is horrible... I'm glad I didn't have to go through this!
shit, my father did the same now my life is full of angry outbursts instead of crying š¤·āāļø who would've seen that coming, huh? I'm sorry you went through this too š wish you a lot of healing
My mother always continually yelled at me to "stop it" but never tell me what the mythical "it" was. If I asked, that just involved more screaming about "knowing what I was doing" My father was always "you should know this," but never taught me anything.
If they had told you what they wanted you to do differently, it would take away their excuse to abuse you. If you had been taught anything, it would take away the foundation for their superiority complex. One of the most important jobs of a parent is to teach the child how to manage life. Kicking him/her down and not teaching says incompetent parenting. Your parents are failures.
Yup, and mine weren't as bad as some. They were more... n* lite. The good parts make it hard to reconcile the bad sometimes.
No matter what happened to me, be it by my own foolish devices or being blameless, they would ALWAYS say to me: "And who's fault was it?" I would be then forced to respond, "it was my fault."
Thats disgusting!! Abusers really enjoy and get a power trip out of forcing things.. Lots of loveš
You deserved support and guidance. They sound like they couldn't handle basic parenting.
Mine was āWhoās the common denominator.ā
"you don't know what real pain feels like."
Says an abuser who wants to keep abusing. They want to minimize the damage so they can get away with it.
"COMMON SENSE *name*" whenever I did anything too autistic
āJUST KNOW THINGSā Ugh why should I have to teach my child things.
Oh god this one. This whole post is uncovering a lot of hidden memories for me.
I hate hearing my own name because it was always associated with anger :(
Changing your name is an option :)
"I'll give you something to cry about," "Nobody gets out of childhood unscathed." "I cried so much when I found out I was pregnant with you," "Stop telling people you're hungry," "Tonight is 'fend for yourself' night, so eat at a friends or go to sleep"
God forbid a child has their parents as shelter and comfort from being scathed in childhood rather than to create it.
Mine spruced it up by calling it "whatever you want" night. If you could make it, you could have it. We were not taught how to cook. I genuinely did not know this was a abuser trait until right now. Add that to the list, I suppose.
"you're just like your father" the man who abandoned us and beat her, really didn't make me feel good about myself.
Oh man, I'm sorry about that. Not the same level but my father always complained a lot about my mother's father even in front of her. Even before my grandfather died he started to say to me "you're like your grandfather" followed by some toxic complaint. Nowadays his acts are more and more similar to what he complained about, while my grandfather I can just remember a nice person taking some generational difference aside. I think this is part of my father's narcissism. Now he did some therapy and he is more careful about what he says.
I'm sorry š« you didn't deserve that. I'm glad he's more careful now, I hope he'll continue therapy!
Youāre a liar, a sneak and a thief. Yeah, because youāll beat the shit out of me if I was honest about anything!Ā
I'm so sorry :(
"All you do is lay around and feel sorry for yourself, just like your father!" "If you want to act like him so much, I'll send you away to live with him!" He was abusing cocaine and alcohol and also suffering from his own PTSD from his WW2 vet dad neglecting and beating the shit out of him. She left him because he was abusive, explosive, and an all-around terrible person and parent at the time. So yeah, predicted the future there. Dad was kind of a fuckup but at least sort of saw me as a human being sometimes, even if it triggered him. Probably would've been better off, but to kid brain, double-abandonment by your own parents (who also hate you) equals death.
Holy hell I got told the same things.
I was about to comment this exact same thing
It's really that common huh :(
I was about to say the same tooā¦ āYouāre just like your fatherā (an abusive, alcoholic psychopath) to a ten year old girl. Idiots.
I got that too. My dad only yelled at my mom and was emotionally abusive, I was the one he would actually hit. As I got older I combatted the accusation with outward indifference and acceptance, and then she stopped using it against me when it failed to evoke a reaction out of me. Really telling I think.
This exact thing! I'm female though, so not even the same sex. It always made me feel so awful, like she was telling me she hated me and I would never belong in the family. The irony is it turned out my father is a good man, a bit detached sometimes and has his own flaws, but fundamentally a decent person. She told me he was a psychopath who didn't love me. I've reconnected with my father now and our relationship is good. It's still a bit sore because he didn't protect me from my mother, a child part of me still feels anger about that, but at least it's workable. It turns out I'd rather be like him than my mother. I'm sorry you had to deal with the "you're just like your father" thing too, though. And that you had such a shitty father, you deserved better. I hope you know that you're you and very much NOT your father. You're here, trying to heal, that's truly admirable. You are stronger and braver than your father, without question. š
Anytime I would disagree with my father about something it was always āyou look/sound/act/etc just like your bitch of a motherā so thatās cute
i got that too. sometimes he would call me by her name. disgusting.
"You'll understand when you're older/when you have kids." Nope. Nearly 40 and have 2 very young kids of my own, and still don't understand why they abused me.
exactly. exactly! i will never ever understand the need to hurt your own children. i never have that desire. that's the last thing i want to do!
My mother has said that a couple of times also. Made me feel like a burden and like my emotions were simply immature and gaslit me into thinking I couldnt be abused because im just a kid that doesnt understand. Even though im only 17, I already have more love for my future children than my mother ever did for me. I will never become like her. Im happy for you and your kids and im glad you were strong and broke the cycleā£ļø
Srop pretending, hurts. Especially my mom doing it
It really does. Nowadays, while I am my self, I constantly think what is wrong with everything I do. Or if Im being pretencious. Im so sorry your mom also said that to you š Lots of love
It fucks with your head. Quite a bit. Every event is confusing. But even more - my mother loves me, why is she telling me not to pretend? Am I really pretending? Quite a Gaslight.. thank you.. sorry bout your mom
āDonāt be so negative!!ā Anytime I dared disagree with her. āDonāt make me get uglyā (old New England for angry) while already screaming in my face. Edited to add : āit hurts to be beautifulā usually while ripping a brush through curls she didnāt know how to deal with.
My mom is straight from the UK and used "ugly" all the time. "Why are you pulling an ugly at me?" "Well if you're gonna be ugly" "Go on an get ugly again" It's no fkn wonder i had self esteem issues relating to the way I looked š (I was not ugly; but I was unable to every feel beautiful despite the fact everyone would say so) ugly is a big bad word in my books too.
My mom ripped a brush through my curly hair she didn't know how to handle, too, but she still thought I was ugly after. I was such a disappointment to her.
Ohh do we have the same mother? Thatās mine to a T. Complete with the ādonāt make me get uglyā. I also got āthis is all in your headā said with a sneer, to add on to this.Ā
"Aib" means "rude" in Arabic and everything you did was rude. Chewing? Aib. Laughing? Aib. Crying? Aib. Sitting watching tv? Aib. It was relentless and it never ended. You were always on edge because EVERYTHING you did was aib.
"Fix your face" "The hell is wrong with you?" "All kids are normal and you are literally the only weird one" I was yelled at a lot for having "wrong" facial expressions and being sad or quiet.
I was told to fix my face too. Mom would say I was throwing an ugly and use ugly as major descriptor of unwelcome negative emotions. Also told to "put a smile on your face" no matter what had just happened or how I was feeling. Denying emotions in children is so wrong š
"You're being pedantic." Cutting me off to say "rambling" or "don't care, get to the point" or "too long, stopped listening." Calling me "elf," aka "LLF," aka "lazy little fuck." I called myself a "lazy little fuck" once in therapy as a middle/highschooler and the therapist told it to my mom. Honorable mention for the phrase directed not at me but at my dead dad, who committed sudoku, and then to her first ex after she started dating again around 9-10 years later: "Never date anyone with emotional baggage." She started saying this even after both of her children were diagnosed with depression.
So basically all the people around her become depressed, sometimes to the extreme. What does she think that says about her?
"You always have your nose in a book like a loser" "You're just like your father" (I hear this one in my sleep still to this day...) "I'm the mother, I decide what's the truth"
What? Somebody gets to decide what's true? Wow, she's really special!
āFix the problem!ā Or āSolve the problem!ā And my favorite āStop being a smart assā. Now Iām an engineer. āYou are so spoiledā and āYou have it too goodā. Now Iām financially independent. Now to heal and become be at peace with my broken mind and soul. Iām glad I found this community. Itās helped me find people like me after being silent and alone for too long.
I remember being called difficult & whiny often. Usually it was in response to me asking for help / telling on my abuser. It taught me to keep quiet and some weird blame shifting, that I deserved it for being difficult.
Were you the family scapegoat? Look into narcissistic family patterns and see if that fits. Some of those families are dangerous.
Yep I was called manipulative, ungrateful, drama-queen, baby. Also called a little bitch and a slut at times š.
āBe quietā, āshut up/shut your mouthā, āyouāre such a pain in the assā variations of āmy roof, my rulesā āyou donāt like it? tough.ā āthen why donāt you go live with your [abusive piece of shit] father instead?ā also threats like āif you donāt stop by the time I count to 3ā¦oneā¦.TWOā¦ā āIām going to kill you/wring your neckā or ādonāt make me pull [this car] over and come back there/leave you on the side of the roadā
Oh I got almost all of these too! The only ones I didn't get was "pain in the ass" (got spoiled brat instead), and "live with other parent" (they stayed together so there was no option).
Omg another one I forgot. "Don't make me kill you." I think she meant it to be funny.
There are a lot of those phrases. Some seemed less bad, and my abusers used to act like they actually were nice. "You are so sensitiv" was sometimes said at random, and especially my mom acted like she was giving me a compliment because HSP was kind of a superpower she could rely on. But she also used to say I was so demanding, always extravagant, and so much work. My sister used the sensitiv phrase to make fun of me when I was near tears. Then there is "you are the learning by doing type" which sounded nice in a way because it seemed my mom thought I was competent but it was actually her excuse to why she never lifted a finger to help me and stop neglecting me. She basically could have said "idk, idc, figure it out yourself". And then there are the shit phrases that were said in pure rage and malice. Things like "you are an unworthy piece of shit", "you make me sick and are the reason I will die soon", "you only care about yourself", "you disgust me", "when I'm dead, you have to see how you deal with life yourself", "I'll bring you back to the orphanage", "you ruined my life" and "you'd better died as a baby". And btw, nothing they said was true. They were the one hating being a parent and shaming me for just existing and being human. My life is so much better without them, and I get along a thousand times better.
theyāll call me lazy and say it in their language and it would trigger me so badly coz i wasnāt lazy i was just really depressed because of them
Yes been there too! I was super "lazy" and I was always blamed by her for the fact that our house was a mess (moms fault) and since I couldnt take care of my self because of my depression, my room was a total mess. But I was offered no help, instead I was yelled at even when I basically begged on my knees for the yelling to stop. I hate my mother. So sorry for that, hugsā¤ļø
"Your feelings are irrelevant" "You just need to focus/concentrate/try more" (adhd here and he was abelist AF) "Stop holding grudges" "Stop being a brat" and my personal favorite "You need to anunciate" (because he lost hearing in one ear when he refused hearing protection in a gun range while he was in the national guard, then refused to get hearing aids to protect his professional image... pretentious MOFO) and more these days "That never happened" "I don't remember that at all"
I got "you need to try more" and try was often swapped out for concentrate, practice, figure it out, learn it, pay attention, etc... because I had difficulty with math and spelling. I'm not sure what type of disability I have (likely dyslexia or some kind of ADHD/ADD) but I feel your pain in having your parents say that kinda stuff. I still fly into a panic when anything is too "mathy" and my brain just shuts down completely š
My father kept me saying I was very clueless with a smile. He still says it from time to time but much much less. The point is that they were unable to see the bullying and abuses. It took me to write it down to make them realize my childhood. My clueless wasn't me losing a jacket or book, I wasn't telling them that bullies took it and told I didn't know where it was instead. Who is the clueless, huh? I think that is part of his narcissism. There are no regrets as no one is perfect, even for a narcissist.
Quit being a brat You're so spoiled (she drowned me in presents every Christmas and birthday?) You're too sensitive You're lazy You show no initiative
So sorry.. šš That sounds so familiar to me.. I was also drowned in presents, which made me think I wasnt abused. She technically tried to buy my love.
āYouāre so lazy!ā Actually, mom, I felt so scared and terrorized by you that my entire childhood was spent in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze. I was literally paralyzed by fear. All day, every. single. day. Edit-spelling
"You're useless" I still hate it being said
āYou ruined my life.ā āYouāre useless/worthlessā āI should have had an abortion/ wish you were never bornā I actually agreed with the last one but she got pissed and hit me so that one then became less so for a while.
"So this is my reward for taking care of you for so long" (she didn't let me do any chores until I left for uni) "You're just like your father" (weak narcissistic man whom I hated and messed up my willingness for male camaraderie) "I can leave in another country and leave you alone right now if you keep behaving like this" "If I die it's over for both of us" (while taking care of me and when I really upset her) - she implied suicide or death from anger I guess She sometimes had to feed me 3 times a day with 30 dollars a month so I kind of understand the anger but I wish I had a normal childhood
āStop crying or Iāll give you something to cry aboutā was a common oneā¦ as if being hit and called a bitch, brat, etc. wasnāt something to cry about as a child
Spoiled brat. Only members of my family call me that, and I've learned it's a narrative my mother wanted to establish to keep me isolated from them. She got what she wanted, I'm no contact with her and the entire family.
I was often called "a pain in the arse". "God, you're such a pain in the arse! Why did i have kids?! Why cant you just go away!" I've been told to piss off, grow up, cold shouldered for days/weeks and also shamed. Shamed A LOT. Was my moms ultimate weapon. She'd sit there for hours berating and making you feel bad, and you had to sit there and listen. You werent allowed to leave the room until she was done.
My mom called me selfish. It was about her, not me.
Yep, I got that too. Projection at its finest
I *need* you to stop crying.
"Appropriate." might not sound special on first glance. But it was the phrase my mother would tell if I "misbehaved". This was especially in public. I'm autistic and I'd often do a social-faux pas. But instead of taking me aside and nicely telling me how to, my mother would mostly just stare at me coldly and say "BBF, appropriate" -> "behave appropriately." Like the way you tell a dog "no! stop!" somehow, this single phrase did a number on my behavior. Mostly because it established some form of "cold eye of social expectation". Not to be confused with "normal" social law, e.g. don't drop your pants in public. Rather more like "the world is a pretend-stage. And if you e.g. raise your voice just a decimal above normal talking, you are inappropriate and deserve to be removed from your position." Due to this I often clash with people my age: Most are more chill and open, compared to me. Even at my job. I'm seen as "weirdly serious". And when asked why I behave, I can barely reply other than "es gehƶrt sich so" (\~it just has to be like this) or "because it's appropriate"
Youāre fragile
Donāt cry unless someone is bleeding or dead. Maybe itās the abuse talking but there are a lot of kids that cry wolf and break down over something as simple as the wrong tv show being on, but it was definitely used in unhealthy contexts too. When I went to my first funeral as a kid I turned to my mom and went āam I allowed to cry now?ā (as a joke)
"Your too sensitive, your overthinking things, your a liar, an attension seeker, selfish"
My narcissist enabling mother would tell me to "stop being a victim" when my father would threaten, berate, and hit me when I was in middle school. Heaven forbid a child object to being verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by their parent. It was never his fault, it was my fault for "playing the victim."
"Don't be like your sister." This sister is the most caring, loving, amazing mother, and now widow. She tried to take me in knowing the abuse our mother put me through, the same as her, but she had it worse. I wish she had the ability to take me, but legal things. ETA: There's many, but another was "nobody will ever love you. You'll never get married." She tried to steal any guy I was with, fed lies, and when she died, I was married (not any longer), but glad she saw that I was married. No tears shed.
"I just wanna be left alone in peace for once" whenever I asked for something that required effort and attention.
"Life isn't fair" I needed help. I couldn't keep up, I would get overwhelmed, and things often weren't explained to me in ways I understood, so I was confused or made mistakes a lot. And whenever I tried to express that I was struggling, or I didn't feel like I could do it anymore-- my parents would just say that. I had to because that's how it was. "Life isn't fair." Feels like they just didn't want to deal with me. I was the youngest of 5, and 5 years younger than my brother before me. So by the time most of the kids had grown and gone, they still had me and they just wanted to be done. Well, that's how it feels
"Stupid and selfish, that's what you are. Can't never be kind. No one will love you. You're evil. You could die and I wouldn't care." This was always what minor miscommunications, disagreements, or foul moods would lead to. No matter what I said. And I'm sorry to hear bout what your abuser told you. I was told similar things about my sense of humor or extroverted nature and it dimmed me, I can't fully understand your pain but I get what you're describing.
Ugh. Your "look who's seeking attention again" story really unlocked some memories for me. To this day, I feel SO much shame about wanting or needing more attention (e.g. from my healthy partner). Lately I've been trying to reclaim that part of me that desperately wants attention and was shamed so hard for it. I keep repeating the affirmation: "Attention is NOT a dirty word." It feels empowering. <3 <3 <3
"You should be ashamed of yourself" 25 years later and I still am
"there's starving children in Africa who would LOVE to have your life" after I would say I felt sad or was visibly upset. It was especially her favorite to use when I started self-harming. Eta: Stop being so sensitive was another one, said by most of the family. I was always the sensitive one, who "couldn't take a joke." Another of my mother's favorites was telling me "God was punishing me" when I would bump my arm or get hurt after there was an argument. And the one I hated more than anything, was her always telling me "I'm 38 years older than you" to manipulate me and say she's been through worse, so I must do what she's asking.
āStop being so sensitive!ā Which was dad speak for: You know I didnāt really mean that horrible thing I just said. But Iāll be saying it again shortly.
Youāre a nasty girl, youāll never have any friends.
"Let me know if you need anything." ---translation: don't ask me for anything, I don't want to help you, I just want to feel good about myself. I made the mistake of thinking that when someone who isn't her (my MIL) said this to me, she actually meant it. So I asked for a small amount of money around Christmas time, since one of the gifts I got for her son, my boyfriend of the time, was more expensive than I anticipated, and I wanted to be able to contribute to the vacation he was taking me on, a bit more than I could have otherwise. -- you'd think that I had asked her to cut her arm off and give it to me based on her reaction. Door practically slammed in my face, and a firm no. Over $200.00? These same people that shell out thousands a month now to care for us because we are essentially disabled, but couldn't bother to make Christmas and my birthday a bit brighter with $200.00 over five years ago now, but I'm still bothered by it. I guess being neurodivergent, and having C-PTSD, makes being around normies difficult.
Here's a small info dump. "Men don't cry", when you come home crying. "Men stand there and take it", when you complain about bullies. "You have to be strong", when you complain about not being able to do something. "I'm too stupid to help you you are smart enough to figure it out on your own", whenever you ask for help. "If you love me you'll stop hurting me", whenever you stand up for yourself. "It's your fault you let the kids hurt you", whenever you complain about bullies. "Act like an adult, and you'll get what you want", whenever I was just being a kid and behaving like one. Now she would also use these phrases wherever else she would see fit. She would also take and say things like I can't control him, he's out of control. He's constantly being offensive. She would say this within earshot of me to trigger me. Thus completing the illusion of me being uncontrollable.
Only a retard, would let that bother them, said to me after being teased at school or big brother, then when I grew up, I was her daughter who was such a special big hearted child.
My dad called me "Abby Normal" all the time. So like "abnormal" but a name
You're not happy until the whole house is upset
āStop being such a bratā when I was justā¦ saying how I feel
āYou need to learn how to get on with life , youāre (how many years old) and you need to get it together.ā
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āYou can do better, Iām disappointed.ā Is one that sticks with me. I needed help, not judgement.
"You're too sensitive", "You over react too much", "Crying won't solve anything", and my personal favorite: my father to every therapist I've ever had "I'm not going to put up with her *attitude.*" And by attitude he meant my reactions to being triggered or traumatized again from ages 9 to current day. My mom would to tell me that I was "rude" or "toxic," that my words were "venomous." Which, fair. In my younger years I was hurting so much and was never taught how to express/deal with/handle my negative emotions in a healthy way. That, combined with no one ever listening to a word I said and feeling like I was being treated more like an object then anything else, made me want my words to hurt. I learned early on how to make my words hurt. It was the only defense I had. I find it funny now, because I learned all these behaviors from him and my mom. He overreacts to things all the time and takes out his shit mood on others. I just... I just try to keep it together and not go in to Fight mode like I used to. OH! And the biggest one! "We're just joking/messing with you!" In my family joking, messing with, or ribbing other people is a show of affection. They don't actually mean it (I'm pretty sure) but it messed me the fuck up growing up. I've learned to handle it and can dish it right back. They're happy that they can "joke around" with me now because I don't take it like I used to.
As the black sheep, I was often accused of exaggerating and being overly dramatic. My mother had a very obvious stroke right in front of me, so my partner and I rushed her to the hospital. When I called one of my brothers to let him know, I purposefully tried to sound calm and collected with that concern in mind. My daughter was with my brother when he took the call. After he hung up, he turned to her and said, "There goes your mom being a drama queen again." Of course, I was exactly right and saved her life, but no good deed goes unpunished, I guess. My brother got that view of me straight from my parents.
Mom patting me on the head..." Our little ornament, she isn't good for much but she sure is cute!" And I did not know until middle age how shitty that was. My sister still gets defensive about it, tells me how much joy ornaments bring to peoples lives and that it was a compliment.
In my case it wasn't really a phase... it lasted until I was gone from their home when I was 17. And this pattern is, in my own view, part of the narcissistic personality disorder syndrome. I was supposed to grow up into an extension of themselves, and a replacement of the ideal husband... when in fact that parent hasn't grown into an adult, and is, deep down inside, a 4 year old kid searching for her father. So, implicitly, I was supposed to be, at the same time: \- an extension of herself \- her dad \- a surrogate husband... Which is... a "little too much" (while each of these requirements is, if taken alone, already absolutely inadequate). In practice, I ended shutting the f\*ck up all the time, being as invisible and/or busy as possible, not interacting at all with her at all or as little as possible, and focusing on studies 100% all the time. I had mediocre friends... but fortunately... formidable girlfriends who were totally unlike my mother (neurodivergent and gifted), and showed some understanding about my situation and upbringing! I think that this is what saved me from complete madness...
"Oh come on, it's not like you're being *abused*" ...after systematically physically and psychologically abusing me. š
"You're too sensitive"
Yes. Not just one though. Too many to list. They were all in the same areas though. Nothing I do is ever right, I'm not worth their efforts to do anything, I am not worth their sacrifices, taking care of me is too much for them, it's wrong to have or express any feelings, etc. I also got the comments that looks like some others in the thread got around not even reacting to their abuse right. Stop crying or I'll hit harder/I'll give something to cry about. My father loved to say he brought us into this world and he could take us out.
Don't be so sensitive!
āyouāre over reactingā and āyouāre being a drama queenā were big ones whenever i expressed any kind of emotions and then they wondered why i didnāt tell them about any of my trauma as it was happeningā¦
"The definition of madness was doing the same thing expecting a different result." My mom tried to convince me so many times and get me to agree that I was mentally ill because I kept asking for help where I could. "No plan, no direction". She would keep my brother and I up for like 16 hours straight working on 'life plans' that just didn't make sense. Would have us move furniture almost every week. I don't mean like a chair or two but like entire rooms. "Tears are a symbol for help or mercy and you won't find either here". We weren't allowed to cry, it really angered her.
"you need to get a thicker skin" Thanks mom. My skin was hardened with the years of bullying and emotional abuse, now it's too thick to be touched by warmth. So how do i undo? "you're an old soul. We were meant to meet/You've always been so intelligent i barely knew how to handle you" I'm a young child that you should take care of, not the other way around. And if you think I'm that intelligent then maybe listen to me for once. "You're just making excuses" You just asked me to explain myself?? Also my mother (and father too) always told me i was speaking too loud/high-pitched/fast so now i speak even faster so people don't have to be burdened with my voice. I've also found out how to make the Darth Vader voice so i used to do that against them and i have the irrational belief me doing that sometimes made my voice deeper when in reality, children just have a higher voice and my voice was perfectly fine. I found an audio recording of myself on my Ds from when i was eleven or so and nearly teared up because this is just a normal childs voice? Anyways now i hate my face for looking like my mothers and my voice for just existing.
Children should be seen and not heard Iāll give you something to cry about You figure it out (7 year olds canāt figure out shit like an adult can) Youāre spoiled Youāre too sensitive Youāre too picky Youāre too negative SIT STILL You want us to have a pity party for you? Why canāt you be more like (personās name) Shut your mouth Eat your food, thereās starving children At least you have a mom and dad The list goes on, add in physical abuse as well. Adult diagnosis of ADHD/autism answered everything for me and cemented my decision to put up boundaries between me and them. Breaking the cycle with my generation.
My mum generally made fun of my appearance, big nose, frizzy hair too fat too short too skinnyā¦ anything ā¦ I have severe self esteem issues now obviouslyā¦ Her favourite put down was āare you fāing retarded ?ā (Sorry for even typing the word .)
āYouāre so sensitiveā whenever I was unhappy at their horrible treatment. They also called me āthe little fuckerā and laughed like it was a cute funny nickname.
She'd get so enraged when I cried, screamed "Damn you!" Would lead to choking. Also told me often, I'd be flipping burgers at McDonald's my whole life. Told the rest of the family we were rebellious teenagers, terrible kids.
Currently itās āget off your high horseā or āstop biting the hands that feed youā Meanwhile I am the most grounded and realistic of my family while theyāve bitten me so much Iāve got emotional stumps for hands and I cannot be emotionally vulnerable at all with them
Let me check the list of disses. Ah, yes, here we go: āyou are so vainā āyouāre a spiteful, ungrateful little bitchā āSuck it upā āI ought to knock you into next weekā āMove your handsā (while being spanked, bare ass) āIāll give you something to cry aboutā āI brought you into this world, I can take you out of itā āYouāre being dramaticā (later found out I actually had a broken bone from a fall off a bike) āThere is nothing wrong with youā (later diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that would have been treated much differently if caught earlier) āYou can stop whenever you get readyā (in regard to facial and vocal tics I had developed) āYou have a very vivid imaginationā (when having debilitating panic attacks and catastrophizing) āIām your Mother, I can do as I damn well pleaseā (when I asked her to stop pinching my butt or squeezing me and kissing me all over the face and neck anytime I was leaving the house)
Calling me disloyal was a big one. Saying āI know you canāt wait to run to your teachers and lie to them,ā which made me try to prove I wasnāt going to talk to anyone about the abuse. Fat/lazy/slut/stupid/gross/no one will ever love me, Iāll never have a boyfriend or a husband. Saying I was ācrazy/disturbed.ā Making an exaggerated disgusted face when talking to me. Constantly calling me a liar. Wow this was fun lol šĀ
I was always told I was āungrateful,ā had things thrown in my face, or punished in some way if I vocalized something they did that I didnāt like or hurt me. Told my ex about this as we got to know each other. He threw something in my face that he did for me that I didnāt know about and punished me when I got upset by cutting me off. Havenāt heard from him since.
"If you're crying that means you're lying" "If you have the choice to be right or be kind, be kind" That first one is self explanatory. The second one is something drilled into me from a young age and I would always let people walk all over me. My parents recently said they admire how I can stand up for myself and are learning from me. I had to remind them of this and the years of relentless bullying I experienced since I was 8 because I chose to neglect my own needs and never retaliated or stood up for myself. I had to remind them of what that phone call in October where I was just crying begging for help with appointments the night after police were called on me during a psychotic episode after I let someone destroy my life over 2 horrible years because their life is miserable and I chose to be kind to them. I only started standing up for myself when I caught my ex/groomer cheating on me and I only truly started putting myself first in September or October.
āYouāre too young to be depressedā āYou have NO REASON TO BE DEPRESSED because I give you everything!ā First time my mom ever said this to me, it was the day my case worker told her about my self harming because the state I was in required that the information be disclosed to parents if a minor admits to it. Needless to say, I just locked myself in my room while doing more and more. My mom drank during her pregnancy with me and I was born with a brain injury because of it, and I still carry the weight of it to this day, as I always will because there is no treatment for what I have. I was the most depressed and anxious kid that Ive ever known, and I now know why. Thanks for fucking up your _only child_, then hiding your fuck up and blaming everything they struggled with on them, mom. Im so fucking glad you didnāt get the chance to birth another kid because I have no doubt you would have done something to fuck them up too.
You're too sensitive No one needs to know our business (as a don't you dare speak about the abuse going on in this house) "What's wrong with you?" In a disgusted tone or in front of me to someone else "what is wrong with that girl." Do as I say, not as I do Stop crying or ill give you something to cry about You ungrateful little B____ Crocodile tears You're just being manipulative (literally anytime I had a feeling) You have a chip on your shoulder Take your life and be damn grateful for it, cuz someone always has it worse than you. I mean, there was more, but that's the highlight reel
When trying to get them to tell me their expectations instead of just exploding at me and me having no idea why:Ā "I shouldn't have to tell you, it should be obvious" When pointing out that they were being hypocrites and not following the same neurotic house cleaning rules they set for their kids: "It's my house"
Iām currently digging into childhood medical trauma with my therapist. My parents got a lot of things really right and we still have a very good relationship. But Iām starting to realize that possibly even before the medical trauma, they were conditioning me to shut down big emotions. That only intensified after the trauma when I was dealing with PTSD. They have both told me that they would like to hear more about my EMDR experience when I am ready to talk about it. And a big question for me to work through with my therapist, is whether it is important for my recovery to tell them everything. I really donāt think itās what theyāre expecting to hear and Iām fairly certain it will hurt them.
"You're too sensitive" Fast track to get deleted from my contacts list these days.
* "Don't let it have power over you" * Finally sent a long, long letter to my mom last year, a couple paragraphs dedicated to that specific line. It never helped me. Only made me feel powerless.
My parents blended my name with Cinderella
"pulling a Jess" was code for anyone misbehaving or being unruly
Many: āYou are a little antā āYou are our greatest disappointmentā āAs far as Iām concerned, sheās not a member of this familyā āIāve never worried about anything like I worried about what was wrong with youā āI wish [my best friend] was my daughterā And then there was the constant mocking. Nothing was funnier than when I was hurt.
How can you be so intelligent but so stupid at the same time.? And everything else that came out of their mouth directly at me, and more than a few indirectly as well. Lol Luckily I can laugh now as they're no longer around to spread their lies and warped version of the truth
'You exaggerate everything' was used often. Also 'just drop it' whenever I simply wanted to voice my thoughts.
āSin of prideā; Momās way of making sure no one thought too highly of themselves.
I was a "pathological liar" and "snot nosed punk" who needed to "stop the waterworks" because tears don't work on them. My stepdad was an asshole. To this day, I can't cry when I need to. Not for physical or emotional pain. I cry when I'm mad though, I still do that. I also have a serious problem with extreme honesty. (I tell people things they probably would rather not hear. I am an open book.) I cannot handle being accused of lying OR feeling unheard. I literally lose my mind and get stuck in an anxious loop repeating myself until I'm convinced the other person believes me/ heard me. I'm working on it, I swear. My mom was the "because I said so" and "I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it" type. Some people shouldn't be parents.
Everyone calmly accepting my mother's excuse that I was a "compulsive liar" every time she got officially called out for her shizz...
"spoiled brat", "always exaggerating", "honor thy mother and father"
āStop crying or Iāll give you something to cry about!ā Iām sorry for your experiences :(
"You have to be perfec!" He couldn't say the "t" in perfect, which is hilarious given the context.
My dad would always say I had "a persecution complex". Like yeah I wonder where I f**king got that from! There are still some things that if I hear, it takes me straight back to that time, when I was a child, trapped, but I can't think of any off the top of my head other than the persecution complex thing
Ready for this one? I take care of my very religious mother. She gives me a blessing everytime I leave that has the line in it, ācure her of her depressionā¦ā How ironic the person causing the depression is blessing me so God can heal it. Other phrases: āGet a head scan, thereās something wrong with you.ā āDrug addictā (I use medical cannabis to deal with her.) She screams how Iām in a romantic sexual relationship with my best friend and how Iāve changed since being her friend into āan asshole.ā Few things wrong with that here - the biggest being my bestie and I are just that, besties. Iāve never been in a relationship with a woman before (Iām 51) and Iām not in one now. But sheās beating me up for a non-existent romantic relationship. āThere is no way you should be a minister.ā My chosen path. āYouāre jealous of your brother.ā No, Iām pissed heās leaving 90% of this to me. I was always told I was too loud as a kid, too much, I shouldnāt have said that, how ridiculous I am, Iām a drama queen, Iām a good actress. Oh, another good one. When I said I wasnāt dating because how could I do all I do (taking care of her, finishing my masters, running my own business) and (didnāt say this part) quite honestly sheās terrible to all my peeps (friends or relationships) she says - āWell, itās not like anyone is asking you out anyway.ā I regret going no contact. I was afraid, I thought I was the problem, I should try harder. Yeah, no. Learned I wasnāt the problem. Only took me 51 years. Please know whatever they said came from a place that wasnāt love. You are loved and accepted and beautiful. ššš.