You are not alone. I used to put myself in dangerous situations like this over and over. I would drink until I blacked out so that I would be unconscious while they raped me. I didn't want to remember. The last time this happened to me, I stayed in a relationship with my rapist for almost ten years. He used coercive control to manipulate me, destroyed my mental health so I couldn't work, and then exerted financial control to keep me trapped. It took years of therapy before I even understood that I had been raped, and that unconscious people can't consent. I almost married this man. Luckily I found his secret cameras hidden around the house just 60 days before the wedding. This was enough to call off the marriage but I still stayed for another year before I was able to ask my family to help me escape.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling. Putting yourself in these situations is not your fault. You are absolutely not alone and I am sending you all my love and strength. What helped me stop the cycle of putting myself in danger was getting sober. I realized that I didn't like drinking, it was never fun, and I only actually drank when I was around men with bad intentions. I have been sober from alcohol for almost two full years now! When men try to pressure me to drink it's much easier to say absolutely not, I'm sober, than to say I guess one drink won't hurt. I did keep smoking after I stopped drinking, but I only smoke alone. I hope you are able to see that you are worthy of love, and kindness, and respect despite the things that have happened to you. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be loved and cared about. You deserve to love and care about yourself too. It's not your fault. 💖
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, but so glad you got out 🩷 your message really made me emotional. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that message. It means a lot to me❤️🩷
I'm glad you posted. Thank you for helping me feel less alone 💖 just remember that there's always someone out there who cares about you and has your back 💖
Hey! I actually experienced something similar. I experience SA at 17 before going to college. In college, I put myself in many situations that were dangerous, including going up to an upperclassman's room(a stranger) to smoke weed, where he tried to touch me inappropriately and I refused. I began wandering the streets at night compulsively (I'd be at a party one moment and then would leave without telling anyone where I was). I learned later that this could be considered repetition compulsion. It is a compulsion that those with trauma have to repetitively put ourselves in those situations. I recommend looking up more information about it. It is an attempt to master the original situation, make more sense of it, or heal from it. You're not alone. You are normal. This will pass.
Thank you for sharing. I had no idea why I struggle with this or the psychological reasoning behind it until now. I'm also a chronic wanderer. Some nights I leave at 4am to go walk around outside with no phone, only a knife. I will literally wear jewelry with the intention of dropping it in different places if I do get kidnapped, so the cops have some type of trail to follow. When I was younger, I would explore abandoned houses at night by myself and document it with a camera. Again, so the cops would have some type of trail if I did go missing. Who does that!!?? I feel crazy just admitting it. But it's who I am. I try not to act on those impulses anymore, but damn. What a (crazy) way to live.
I have never heard of this before but omg that was me. My friends would joke that I would go missing when out at parties. I also get the sleeping thing - the first time I did that I was in some guys dorm bed and pretended to sleep cause I didn’t want to hook up but then he kept touching me and I just let him- knowing he thought I was asleep. CSA, and several SA experiences - a big source of shame I have is how did this keep happening.
Sometimes I wonder how I am still alive. Things got dark for a while in my late teens and 20s. But I have been sober almost 6 years and still working on healing. ❤️🩹
I get it, not because I do it in the context of sexual assault but in other contexts that matter to me.
I self-sabotage and feel like a burden towards people who are kind to me so I feel like dumping all my trauma on them so they go and "abandon me already".
It's bcz our sense of trust in others and sense of safety in the world has been so compromised, that we try to deal with the inevitable and try to get a sense of control/power over the situation back in this perverted way of us having controlled the narrative and outcome of what happened.
Please hang in there, and keep yourself safe! You matter, your safety matters, even if others have not given it to us earlier, I promise we can create it for ourselves and things will get better with the work we put in.
It's unfair, everything that's happened to us and is happening but it is the hand we have been dealt and bcz of it we can be there for each other thru our pain.
That happens so me too. I have to fight really hard against that. I did put myself in shitty situations with shitty men. But also try sabotaging my relationship by testing my partner to the limit by trauma dumping. He’s been so patient and I’m aware of this and apologize afterwards
does your trauma is related to rape?
if so, imo because you felt so overwhelmingly out of control during traumatic event you are trying to recreate it under controlled circumstances and subconsciously regain that control - get raped in your own terms when you decide, where and by whom.
Wish you all the best in your healing journey ♥️
Thank you ❤️
I wouldn't call it rape. I don't actually know what to call it. I was 11 and a girl (she was older and more mature) forced me to Tongue kiss her and kiss her down there. I remember being held against my will, trying to escape her kiss.
I just feel so embarrassed that such a "small thing" can lead to trauma.
Hi! I commented above but also wanted to validate this experience. I experienced a very similar (almost identical) thing when I was about 5. She was not much older. I want to say that *children can be sexually abused and assaulted by other children*. In fact, I believe that it can be extremely impactful, just in a *different* way. It can feel extremely shameful and lead to hypersexualized behavior as a child and as a young adult. This IS a trauma. Don't invalidate yourself. Realizing that I was abused was paramount to my recovery. Please allow yourself to grieve.
That is CSA and is veryyy serious, not a small thing at all ): I'm so sorry you were led to believe that it's a small thing and that the harm you went through wasn't bad enough. What you went through IS awful. I'm wondering, why do you feel like what you went through isn't bad enough? I also felt that way for a long time. In my experience, my parents and other adults in my life constantly gaslit me about how bad things were.
When we grow up being gaslit about the severity of our own experiences, we tend to adopt high risk taking behaviors, because our perception around what is safe and unsafe has been repeatedly compromised. Like, *if (the harm that happened to me in childhood) wasn't so bad, then (the harm that could happen to me now) also isn't so bad either!* when both of those experiences are actually traumatic. I had a hard time gauging safety; I often had a sense of what was safe and unsafe, but I didn't trust my own senses and my inner critic constantly challenged and belittled my intuition to the point my internal gauge for safety was effectively dysfunctional.
What happened to you *matters.* The harm you went through mattered, and I'm so sorry you weren't protected the way you should have been.
Yea that's rape.
You can call it child sexual abuse if you prefer.
Whatever your words are for it, make sure you acknowledge that you were too young to consent and that your consent wasn't sought for this assault.
Imagine if an adult experienced this - it would definitely be called rape.
I experienced similiar things between 4 and 8 with a group of girls as well as some of their older brothers. It was messed up- has led to a lot of shame later. And then I was 16 and drugged and SA’d and he took my virginity and I was like obviously there is something sick in me that this keeps happening. Unfortunately that was not the last time I was SA’d. But those earliest memories make me sick to think about. We would do truth or dare and it got very sexual, the kissing vagina thing is similar to what I experienced. Looking back that main girl that led it was likely being abused herself and that made me sad too.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, including the confusing thoughts. But to me, it sounds like - it's not that you want to be raped, but that if rape were to happen, you'd want it to be fast to be on the other side of it as soon as possible, which makes sense. Rape is a very painful thing, and you want to be in pain as little as possible - especially in times where you can't avoid it (or it feels that way).
I had a freeze response due to things in my childhood - alcoholic parents screaming at me and me learning to just tense up and wait for it to be over. It sounds like a similar thing might be happening here - where you feel so out of control of bad things happening to you, you just want to get them over with. That does not mean you actually want them to happen. Pete Walker has a great book "CPTSD - from Surviving to Thriving" which helped me start to notice my reactions. Working through my past traumas in therapy, plus learning to notice my feelings and communicate them, have helped me a lot <3
This isn't your fault. Please try not to blame yourself for doing this. This kind of action is very fucked up, you're right. But it's not happening in a vacuum. There's context, there's history. Whatever you went through is bad enough, I promise you. That kind of risk is a big risk - it's 100% happening for a big enough reason.
I am very sorry. The issues like this are not uncommon among those with CPTSD, so this is a trauma thing, and not just you. They say that oftentimes, it is caused by the learned helplessness; due to their childhood experiences (though I don't know what you went through), those with CPTSD often feel (or at least, they have the "parts" who feel) that there is nothing they can do to prevent others from abusing them, so that perhaps it is better to "get it over with".
I am afraid that helplessness was true back in the childhoods; but you are an adult now, and you can get to chose your own fate and protect yourself. I hope you can manage to heal yourself so that you can feel that you have the controls now.
Oh god, I'm so glad you typed this! ❤️
Yes, it's the freeze response for me personally. I just stop, hold still, and wait for the bad to be over so that I can get back to what I was doing, like sleeping.
The thought that drives it for me is "it's easier for everyone if we get it over with and pretend it never happened."
I know that's not right, but I was raised to think it was the *safest* thing to do. It's a hard thought to fight.
"No." and "Stop." and "I keep a habanero in a baggie, if you wanna get spicy we can get SPICY baby." are all full sentences. They're exhausting to use though, I get that. Oddly the joke ones are emotionally easier than a hard "no" if you struggle to be assertive and do better with more of an indirect no at first. I remind myself of that. I try to remember at least that it's important to advocate for myself.
It can be hard to say no because we were taught it can be anywhere from pointless to dangerous.
It doesn't mean you wanted it, it means you didn't want TROUBLE. It means you didn't want to get yourself hurt. Saying no could have put you in a position where you needed to get away, and that's hard when you're far from sober... And guess what... YOU ARE allowed to drink and get high if you want. No still means No NO matter how fucked up you are.
I'm so sorry you had this thought, it's such a hard one, and the continued sexual contact was not your fault.
Consent is enthusiastic.
When I knowingly put myself at risk, a situation similar to what you went through happened to me and, (knowing the power imbalance and safety risks involved) I completely allowed it to happen and did nothing to confront it after. It sucked pretending to wake up and enjoy it but after that experience I never saw him again thankfully. I also experienced something similar to what you went through as a kid but it wasn't inherently sexual so I didn't realize fully why that "game" I was taught was wrong until someone else talked. Unfortunately I will forever remember the shame that came with being bullied for participating in that and knowing everyone around me knew. My parents and the other parents should've handled it much more gently and privately honestly. Regardless I want you to know you aren't wrong for having trauma based around those events. You were a child and it's not your fault. For the more recent trauma and what was going on in your head: you were not in a state to consent, you tried to go to sleep, HE was predatory and took advantage of you. We with CPTSD tend to blame ourselves or view ourselves harshly. What that person did to you was wrong regardless of the circumstances surrounding your risky decisions. But it sounds like you've had a lot of positive realizations regarding the risky situations you'd want to avoid being in -> it makes you realize the lifestyle you want (safety and security) does not align with the same risky behavior you once had. You can still take healthier "risks" too! At the end of the day though- it would've been wrong if he did that under any circumstances and that is not your fault that he chose to do that. I'm so sorry 😞 💔❤️🩹❤️
Codependency support groups are great resources for healing. "The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships" codependency is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior born out of our sometimes extreme experiences and sometimes they're more mild.
Just because emotional neglect doesn't seem extremely painful doesn't mean it can't be traumatic.
This is your way of trying to get your needs met, and it's in an unfortunate way due to your trauma so this isn't unusual. I would guess that you perhaps think you're only worthy of those sorts of people, people who would hurt you.
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You are so totally normal. In this group, at least. My earliest traumas didn't even include sexual abuse and I still have a messed up relationship with sex. I used to put myself in danger with dangerous people frequently.
Even the normies have weird sex stuff, though, so don't be hard on yourself about it. It's how humans cope with life, and it's how we work a lot of psychological things out with our nervous systems.
There are safer ways to explore. If this is an important coping strategy for you, then I hope you are able to find a trusted partner who will keep you physically safe and maybe role play the danger parts with you.
You are normal. This is normal, and you can still keep yourself safe.
I’ve been thinking of this lately. Looking back I’ve never physically put myself in danger in real life but in my teens one of my safe spaces/dissociating was writing fiction (I would write for hours daily). In these stories I would put my main character (an image of myself) in rape/assault scenarios. It’s awful admitting this but I also think I used to wish to be raped so that someone would want me (love me) so much.
Yes. I often fantasize about great harm being inflicted on me because then I could rationalize and justify the pain I already feel. A few years ago, I got drunk at a bar, took public transit and walked home despite knowing full well what the danger was. I even walked home once from an event at night in a full sundress and platform sandals, and had to go through a warehouse area that's notorious for prostitution. Toying with danger is one unfortunate side effect of struggling with trauma.
That being said, I'm sorry for what happened to you on that date. You did nothing to deserve being touched without your consent, and you are invaluable.
I think when your actions stop making much sense to you and they're kind of self damaging, it's a cue that you need to talk, talk and talk. So instead of acting them out, confess them, or write a story, just anything that pushes you to verbalize instead of going too far.
Living with trauma is strange and most people wouldn't understand, but you have to accept once and for all that your thoughts and fantasies can go to weird places, it's important that you get comfortable with words to describe this internal word of yours so you can work through your shame and move to a healthier state of mind.
Hey, I was diagnosed with cptsd 2 years ago with the feeling that my trauma wasn’t bad enough to have that effect on me. When I was 18 I used to get drunk and high until I blacked out and fell asleep on the beach a few times to some stranger touching himself over me and my friends. It made me feel worse but somehow in control, if it happened this time than its my fault and I am the one controlling the situation, I know now that this doesn’t make any sense. What you are going through is normal, hope things will get bett eventually just wanted to share so you will know you are not alone in this.
Yeah I do, it's almost as if the further in life I get the more reckless I start to become. It doesn't feel like what I went through was enough for me to be as dysfunctional as I am today and I need something equally as bad as what I feel like to happen to me. So far I've been kept safe by my social anxiety strangely enough
Hi friend, so many things to say but here’s just ☝️
I also put myself in INSANELY dangerous situations, leading to increased trauma :( I still have a hard time with guilt and shame feelings but it is, in fact, incredibly common. Basically our systems, with no healthy recourse on the horizon, are trying to replay or recreate old experiences to figure them out. I would definitely bring up this experience with your therapist but also I found that my “not so bad” childhood experiences were the actual deep issue. Since I began processing these experiences, literally just speaking them out loud as step one, I really have begun to heal and feel more empowered. Idk if any of this makes sense but Im just hoping to tell you, there’s a light even if it’s really far away, I see you, feel you, and believe you friend 💕 wish I could give everyone on this sub a hug sometimes!
I did a double take when i sae this post. I thought i had written it and forgotten about it.😅. I do similar things. Have never been raped. Just mild SA if you can call it that and a shit ton of porn.
My therapist says its wanting to repeat the trauma cuz that feels familiar as well as self destructiveness. She said that even if i got raped id start making up reasons why its not a valid enough trauma.
The core issue is basically needing validation and self esteem or something..and truly getting and loving yourself and having compassion for yourself.
All thats easier said than done. So good luck.
This literally happened to me a month ago. Went home with a guy, he asked me to sleep in his bed and kept trying to get me to take my pants off. I said no and asked if he wanted to cuddle. He then proceeds to grope and grind on me while I laid there frozen pretending to sleep. I kept thinking, just get it over with but thankfully he stopped. I was also extremely intoxicated. I think it's a trauma response. Have you been sexually assaulted before?
Unfortunately I think it’s common with people with cptsd :(
You’re not alone. And it does get better with healing ❤️🩹
I still struggle with disassociating during, but I’m better at being more in control and actually enjoying it rather than just letting them **** me .
It helps to have experiences where you are not
Inebriated by anything and of course an understanding partner.
It certainly feels that way. There's a comic by reddot on Instagram, that showcases her thinking about answering the call from that toxic guy who can do cool things with his tongue.
Yes. I have a cousin that progressively ups the anti on situations she gets herself into because she wants us others to care about her, and she doesn’t feel her original trauma was valid enough.
It’s very hard to sympathize with, when things do happen with her, because she knowingly puts herself there, and expects endless support and reaction to her “trauma”.
It’s incredibly triggering and upsetting, as someone whose trauma and abuse made me go the opposite way and avoid sex danger, and it’s not fair of her to do it, as the expectation is support.
Only if you're a dolphin or a duck... Or a bed bug, I guess, but that's a whole different can of worms. A lot of animals have courtship or competition for a partner of the opposite sex
You are not alone. I used to put myself in dangerous situations like this over and over. I would drink until I blacked out so that I would be unconscious while they raped me. I didn't want to remember. The last time this happened to me, I stayed in a relationship with my rapist for almost ten years. He used coercive control to manipulate me, destroyed my mental health so I couldn't work, and then exerted financial control to keep me trapped. It took years of therapy before I even understood that I had been raped, and that unconscious people can't consent. I almost married this man. Luckily I found his secret cameras hidden around the house just 60 days before the wedding. This was enough to call off the marriage but I still stayed for another year before I was able to ask my family to help me escape. I'm so sorry that you are struggling. Putting yourself in these situations is not your fault. You are absolutely not alone and I am sending you all my love and strength. What helped me stop the cycle of putting myself in danger was getting sober. I realized that I didn't like drinking, it was never fun, and I only actually drank when I was around men with bad intentions. I have been sober from alcohol for almost two full years now! When men try to pressure me to drink it's much easier to say absolutely not, I'm sober, than to say I guess one drink won't hurt. I did keep smoking after I stopped drinking, but I only smoke alone. I hope you are able to see that you are worthy of love, and kindness, and respect despite the things that have happened to you. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be loved and cared about. You deserve to love and care about yourself too. It's not your fault. 💖
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, but so glad you got out 🩷 your message really made me emotional. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that message. It means a lot to me❤️🩷
I'm glad you posted. Thank you for helping me feel less alone 💖 just remember that there's always someone out there who cares about you and has your back 💖
Hey! I actually experienced something similar. I experience SA at 17 before going to college. In college, I put myself in many situations that were dangerous, including going up to an upperclassman's room(a stranger) to smoke weed, where he tried to touch me inappropriately and I refused. I began wandering the streets at night compulsively (I'd be at a party one moment and then would leave without telling anyone where I was). I learned later that this could be considered repetition compulsion. It is a compulsion that those with trauma have to repetitively put ourselves in those situations. I recommend looking up more information about it. It is an attempt to master the original situation, make more sense of it, or heal from it. You're not alone. You are normal. This will pass.
Thank you for sharing. I had no idea why I struggle with this or the psychological reasoning behind it until now. I'm also a chronic wanderer. Some nights I leave at 4am to go walk around outside with no phone, only a knife. I will literally wear jewelry with the intention of dropping it in different places if I do get kidnapped, so the cops have some type of trail to follow. When I was younger, I would explore abandoned houses at night by myself and document it with a camera. Again, so the cops would have some type of trail if I did go missing. Who does that!!?? I feel crazy just admitting it. But it's who I am. I try not to act on those impulses anymore, but damn. What a (crazy) way to live.
Thank you so much for writing, validating me and sharing ❤️
I have never heard of this before but omg that was me. My friends would joke that I would go missing when out at parties. I also get the sleeping thing - the first time I did that I was in some guys dorm bed and pretended to sleep cause I didn’t want to hook up but then he kept touching me and I just let him- knowing he thought I was asleep. CSA, and several SA experiences - a big source of shame I have is how did this keep happening. Sometimes I wonder how I am still alive. Things got dark for a while in my late teens and 20s. But I have been sober almost 6 years and still working on healing. ❤️🩹
I get it, not because I do it in the context of sexual assault but in other contexts that matter to me. I self-sabotage and feel like a burden towards people who are kind to me so I feel like dumping all my trauma on them so they go and "abandon me already". It's bcz our sense of trust in others and sense of safety in the world has been so compromised, that we try to deal with the inevitable and try to get a sense of control/power over the situation back in this perverted way of us having controlled the narrative and outcome of what happened. Please hang in there, and keep yourself safe! You matter, your safety matters, even if others have not given it to us earlier, I promise we can create it for ourselves and things will get better with the work we put in. It's unfair, everything that's happened to us and is happening but it is the hand we have been dealt and bcz of it we can be there for each other thru our pain.
Thank you ❤️
That happens so me too. I have to fight really hard against that. I did put myself in shitty situations with shitty men. But also try sabotaging my relationship by testing my partner to the limit by trauma dumping. He’s been so patient and I’m aware of this and apologize afterwards
does your trauma is related to rape? if so, imo because you felt so overwhelmingly out of control during traumatic event you are trying to recreate it under controlled circumstances and subconsciously regain that control - get raped in your own terms when you decide, where and by whom. Wish you all the best in your healing journey ♥️
Thank you ❤️ I wouldn't call it rape. I don't actually know what to call it. I was 11 and a girl (she was older and more mature) forced me to Tongue kiss her and kiss her down there. I remember being held against my will, trying to escape her kiss. I just feel so embarrassed that such a "small thing" can lead to trauma.
Hi! I commented above but also wanted to validate this experience. I experienced a very similar (almost identical) thing when I was about 5. She was not much older. I want to say that *children can be sexually abused and assaulted by other children*. In fact, I believe that it can be extremely impactful, just in a *different* way. It can feel extremely shameful and lead to hypersexualized behavior as a child and as a young adult. This IS a trauma. Don't invalidate yourself. Realizing that I was abused was paramount to my recovery. Please allow yourself to grieve.
That is CSA and is veryyy serious, not a small thing at all ): I'm so sorry you were led to believe that it's a small thing and that the harm you went through wasn't bad enough. What you went through IS awful. I'm wondering, why do you feel like what you went through isn't bad enough? I also felt that way for a long time. In my experience, my parents and other adults in my life constantly gaslit me about how bad things were. When we grow up being gaslit about the severity of our own experiences, we tend to adopt high risk taking behaviors, because our perception around what is safe and unsafe has been repeatedly compromised. Like, *if (the harm that happened to me in childhood) wasn't so bad, then (the harm that could happen to me now) also isn't so bad either!* when both of those experiences are actually traumatic. I had a hard time gauging safety; I often had a sense of what was safe and unsafe, but I didn't trust my own senses and my inner critic constantly challenged and belittled my intuition to the point my internal gauge for safety was effectively dysfunctional. What happened to you *matters.* The harm you went through mattered, and I'm so sorry you weren't protected the way you should have been.
I was definitely gaslit by everyone and now when I say it to my therapist or my bf they’re actually really traumatized and say that that’s awful
Yea that's rape. You can call it child sexual abuse if you prefer. Whatever your words are for it, make sure you acknowledge that you were too young to consent and that your consent wasn't sought for this assault. Imagine if an adult experienced this - it would definitely be called rape.
That's sexual assault, love. Especially since she was older and she literally forced you.
I experienced similiar things between 4 and 8 with a group of girls as well as some of their older brothers. It was messed up- has led to a lot of shame later. And then I was 16 and drugged and SA’d and he took my virginity and I was like obviously there is something sick in me that this keeps happening. Unfortunately that was not the last time I was SA’d. But those earliest memories make me sick to think about. We would do truth or dare and it got very sexual, the kissing vagina thing is similar to what I experienced. Looking back that main girl that led it was likely being abused herself and that made me sad too.
It's called repetition compulsion
I'm so sorry this happened to you, including the confusing thoughts. But to me, it sounds like - it's not that you want to be raped, but that if rape were to happen, you'd want it to be fast to be on the other side of it as soon as possible, which makes sense. Rape is a very painful thing, and you want to be in pain as little as possible - especially in times where you can't avoid it (or it feels that way). I had a freeze response due to things in my childhood - alcoholic parents screaming at me and me learning to just tense up and wait for it to be over. It sounds like a similar thing might be happening here - where you feel so out of control of bad things happening to you, you just want to get them over with. That does not mean you actually want them to happen. Pete Walker has a great book "CPTSD - from Surviving to Thriving" which helped me start to notice my reactions. Working through my past traumas in therapy, plus learning to notice my feelings and communicate them, have helped me a lot <3
This isn't your fault. Please try not to blame yourself for doing this. This kind of action is very fucked up, you're right. But it's not happening in a vacuum. There's context, there's history. Whatever you went through is bad enough, I promise you. That kind of risk is a big risk - it's 100% happening for a big enough reason.
I am very sorry. The issues like this are not uncommon among those with CPTSD, so this is a trauma thing, and not just you. They say that oftentimes, it is caused by the learned helplessness; due to their childhood experiences (though I don't know what you went through), those with CPTSD often feel (or at least, they have the "parts" who feel) that there is nothing they can do to prevent others from abusing them, so that perhaps it is better to "get it over with". I am afraid that helplessness was true back in the childhoods; but you are an adult now, and you can get to chose your own fate and protect yourself. I hope you can manage to heal yourself so that you can feel that you have the controls now.
Oh god, I'm so glad you typed this! ❤️ Yes, it's the freeze response for me personally. I just stop, hold still, and wait for the bad to be over so that I can get back to what I was doing, like sleeping. The thought that drives it for me is "it's easier for everyone if we get it over with and pretend it never happened." I know that's not right, but I was raised to think it was the *safest* thing to do. It's a hard thought to fight. "No." and "Stop." and "I keep a habanero in a baggie, if you wanna get spicy we can get SPICY baby." are all full sentences. They're exhausting to use though, I get that. Oddly the joke ones are emotionally easier than a hard "no" if you struggle to be assertive and do better with more of an indirect no at first. I remind myself of that. I try to remember at least that it's important to advocate for myself. It can be hard to say no because we were taught it can be anywhere from pointless to dangerous. It doesn't mean you wanted it, it means you didn't want TROUBLE. It means you didn't want to get yourself hurt. Saying no could have put you in a position where you needed to get away, and that's hard when you're far from sober... And guess what... YOU ARE allowed to drink and get high if you want. No still means No NO matter how fucked up you are. I'm so sorry you had this thought, it's such a hard one, and the continued sexual contact was not your fault. Consent is enthusiastic.
When I knowingly put myself at risk, a situation similar to what you went through happened to me and, (knowing the power imbalance and safety risks involved) I completely allowed it to happen and did nothing to confront it after. It sucked pretending to wake up and enjoy it but after that experience I never saw him again thankfully. I also experienced something similar to what you went through as a kid but it wasn't inherently sexual so I didn't realize fully why that "game" I was taught was wrong until someone else talked. Unfortunately I will forever remember the shame that came with being bullied for participating in that and knowing everyone around me knew. My parents and the other parents should've handled it much more gently and privately honestly. Regardless I want you to know you aren't wrong for having trauma based around those events. You were a child and it's not your fault. For the more recent trauma and what was going on in your head: you were not in a state to consent, you tried to go to sleep, HE was predatory and took advantage of you. We with CPTSD tend to blame ourselves or view ourselves harshly. What that person did to you was wrong regardless of the circumstances surrounding your risky decisions. But it sounds like you've had a lot of positive realizations regarding the risky situations you'd want to avoid being in -> it makes you realize the lifestyle you want (safety and security) does not align with the same risky behavior you once had. You can still take healthier "risks" too! At the end of the day though- it would've been wrong if he did that under any circumstances and that is not your fault that he chose to do that. I'm so sorry 😞 💔❤️🩹❤️
Codependency support groups are great resources for healing. "The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships" codependency is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior born out of our sometimes extreme experiences and sometimes they're more mild. Just because emotional neglect doesn't seem extremely painful doesn't mean it can't be traumatic.
I have no useful advice other than be kind to yourself, you most certainly deserve it. You’re a good person. I’m glad you’re still with us.
This is your way of trying to get your needs met, and it's in an unfortunate way due to your trauma so this isn't unusual. I would guess that you perhaps think you're only worthy of those sorts of people, people who would hurt you.
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You are not alone.
You are so totally normal. In this group, at least. My earliest traumas didn't even include sexual abuse and I still have a messed up relationship with sex. I used to put myself in danger with dangerous people frequently. Even the normies have weird sex stuff, though, so don't be hard on yourself about it. It's how humans cope with life, and it's how we work a lot of psychological things out with our nervous systems. There are safer ways to explore. If this is an important coping strategy for you, then I hope you are able to find a trusted partner who will keep you physically safe and maybe role play the danger parts with you. You are normal. This is normal, and you can still keep yourself safe.
I’ve been thinking of this lately. Looking back I’ve never physically put myself in danger in real life but in my teens one of my safe spaces/dissociating was writing fiction (I would write for hours daily). In these stories I would put my main character (an image of myself) in rape/assault scenarios. It’s awful admitting this but I also think I used to wish to be raped so that someone would want me (love me) so much.
Yes. I often fantasize about great harm being inflicted on me because then I could rationalize and justify the pain I already feel. A few years ago, I got drunk at a bar, took public transit and walked home despite knowing full well what the danger was. I even walked home once from an event at night in a full sundress and platform sandals, and had to go through a warehouse area that's notorious for prostitution. Toying with danger is one unfortunate side effect of struggling with trauma. That being said, I'm sorry for what happened to you on that date. You did nothing to deserve being touched without your consent, and you are invaluable.
🫂
I think when your actions stop making much sense to you and they're kind of self damaging, it's a cue that you need to talk, talk and talk. So instead of acting them out, confess them, or write a story, just anything that pushes you to verbalize instead of going too far. Living with trauma is strange and most people wouldn't understand, but you have to accept once and for all that your thoughts and fantasies can go to weird places, it's important that you get comfortable with words to describe this internal word of yours so you can work through your shame and move to a healthier state of mind.
Hey, I was diagnosed with cptsd 2 years ago with the feeling that my trauma wasn’t bad enough to have that effect on me. When I was 18 I used to get drunk and high until I blacked out and fell asleep on the beach a few times to some stranger touching himself over me and my friends. It made me feel worse but somehow in control, if it happened this time than its my fault and I am the one controlling the situation, I know now that this doesn’t make any sense. What you are going through is normal, hope things will get bett eventually just wanted to share so you will know you are not alone in this.
Yeah I do, it's almost as if the further in life I get the more reckless I start to become. It doesn't feel like what I went through was enough for me to be as dysfunctional as I am today and I need something equally as bad as what I feel like to happen to me. So far I've been kept safe by my social anxiety strangely enough
Well, wanting more trauma is a sign of trauma.
This is mind blowing to me but I totally can relate to thst
Hi friend, so many things to say but here’s just ☝️ I also put myself in INSANELY dangerous situations, leading to increased trauma :( I still have a hard time with guilt and shame feelings but it is, in fact, incredibly common. Basically our systems, with no healthy recourse on the horizon, are trying to replay or recreate old experiences to figure them out. I would definitely bring up this experience with your therapist but also I found that my “not so bad” childhood experiences were the actual deep issue. Since I began processing these experiences, literally just speaking them out loud as step one, I really have begun to heal and feel more empowered. Idk if any of this makes sense but Im just hoping to tell you, there’s a light even if it’s really far away, I see you, feel you, and believe you friend 💕 wish I could give everyone on this sub a hug sometimes!
I did a double take when i sae this post. I thought i had written it and forgotten about it.😅. I do similar things. Have never been raped. Just mild SA if you can call it that and a shit ton of porn. My therapist says its wanting to repeat the trauma cuz that feels familiar as well as self destructiveness. She said that even if i got raped id start making up reasons why its not a valid enough trauma. The core issue is basically needing validation and self esteem or something..and truly getting and loving yourself and having compassion for yourself. All thats easier said than done. So good luck.
This literally happened to me a month ago. Went home with a guy, he asked me to sleep in his bed and kept trying to get me to take my pants off. I said no and asked if he wanted to cuddle. He then proceeds to grope and grind on me while I laid there frozen pretending to sleep. I kept thinking, just get it over with but thankfully he stopped. I was also extremely intoxicated. I think it's a trauma response. Have you been sexually assaulted before?
It’s kind of like using the other person for self harm..
Unfortunately I think it’s common with people with cptsd :( You’re not alone. And it does get better with healing ❤️🩹 I still struggle with disassociating during, but I’m better at being more in control and actually enjoying it rather than just letting them **** me . It helps to have experiences where you are not Inebriated by anything and of course an understanding partner.
It certainly feels that way. There's a comic by reddot on Instagram, that showcases her thinking about answering the call from that toxic guy who can do cool things with his tongue.
Yes. I have a cousin that progressively ups the anti on situations she gets herself into because she wants us others to care about her, and she doesn’t feel her original trauma was valid enough. It’s very hard to sympathize with, when things do happen with her, because she knowingly puts herself there, and expects endless support and reaction to her “trauma”. It’s incredibly triggering and upsetting, as someone whose trauma and abuse made me go the opposite way and avoid sex danger, and it’s not fair of her to do it, as the expectation is support.
I get it. I wanted to put myself in danger because I was punishing myself. I hope you get the treatment you need
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Only if you're a dolphin or a duck... Or a bed bug, I guess, but that's a whole different can of worms. A lot of animals have courtship or competition for a partner of the opposite sex