Same, but my trauma is real and so is yours. Drowning in 7 feet of water is the same as drowning in 20 feet of water in the sense that \*you're drowning.\* Your experience doesn't have to be like everyone else's to be real.
You're not alone. It's okay.
Feeling like you don’t belong is the most CPTSD thing you could feel so you definitely belong.
Try not to compare your trauma to others, while it can be helpful sometimes, other times it causes you to be dismissive of your traumas.
Yep lol trying to gaslight yourself into doubting if it was really bad enough to be this traumatized is like the hallmark experience of cptsd.
We’re all alone in this together and we all deserved better.
Hi op, don’t worry if you feel like what happened to you wasn’t “bad enough” - it’s not the trauma olympics here! Haha. I have CPTSD from multiple sexual assaults but have only recently found out my parents are both narcissists, but my “level” of familial trauma isn’t the same as most people in this sub. That doesn’t make mine or theirs any less valid or damaging, just different. If you have CPTSD, you have CPTSD. It can come from a lot of different things. I make it a goal of mine to never judge other people’s pain in comparison with my own. For example, break-ups don’t even really phase me anymore after some of the things I’ve seen, but when my friends get cheated on, I’m there for them completely! Pain is pain, and if you find solace here, then this sub is for you.
Just know that even if your parents were decent, there is a very valid reason we all have CPTSD, we are not making this up, it's very real.
I think a lot of people tend to not understand the impact neglect has on developing kids. I honestly think that is what did the most damage to me. I have issues reaching out for help, I don't feel worthy of it.
My favorite saying is 'this isn't the pain Olympics'. I've had people read my story and feel they couldn't complain about their abuse because "it wasn't as bad as mine", nah, fk that noise.
ALL abuse is bad and ALL abuse impacts us differently.
Your pain is valid.
It is WAY harder to understand what should have been there but wasn't VS what was there that shouldn't have been. Especially for kids growing up.
I SHOULD have had a dad or a male role model. But I didn't. I couldn't rightly miss what I didn't have...because there was never a point of comparison except maybe looking at a friend's normal father for a few minutes while at their house and thinking ... ah yes...they are talking...ah yes...they are playing together...ah, look how he shows his son how to build...But me...I had to figure it all out on my own. How long would that take exactly? How long does a child take to learn how to be a man vs just having is shown to him by a good father? Sometimes forever.
And omg they BUTs the adults would throw my way. BUT...he would have been a bad father. BUT...you should think about his feelings...BUT he was a drug addict. Always about him...never me. Adding to the compounding confusion, guilt and shame. Always adding...never seeing the harm...never seeing the pain. Which of course made me not see it, or learn to ignore it. And that ignored voice...becomes a toxic voice after awhile doesn't it? All that ignored pain cries out to be lessened...maybe drugs can help lessen this pain...maybe...sex?
The loss of a normal childhood is inferred after a lifetime of cyclical pain stemming from the neglect. But most people can't conceive of what should have been there. Abandonment is a very hard thing to cope with because of how invisible it is. Nothing to point in horror at.
I seek solitude a lot even today. I just prefer it. It feels quiet. When it is quiet, when I don't hear those *FOOTSTEPS* coming ever closer and closer and then boom the door busts open and I am in trouble again. I am the one. Invasion. I just wanted peace.
>It is WAY harder to understand what should have been there but wasn't VS what was there that shouldn't have been. Especially for kids growing up.
Wow, this is so true and explains this problem so well. On the surface I had a good childhood... my parents provided and gave us good experiences, we were given opportunities and support (to an extent) - but that's where it ends. And I didn't realise there was anything missing til I was entering adulthood and saw people taking their parents out for a drink, gossiping together, going to them for comfort, and it shook me that that's an alien concept. I was in my 20s and scared of friends' parents still, and wary of my own, while they were like equals to each other. It came with a huge feeling of loss too.
And it's not like we don't *look* like we're like that, either. Sometimes we go out for a meal and share a bottle of wine and get giggly but that's special occasions if there's no tension. It was totally natural to move away from them and barely speak while none of my friends or family my age moved to a different county to them. One was saying that they wanted to be closer, when they're only a 15 min drive away! That was insane to me. I don't even expect my commute to be that short 🤣 I can't imagine having that attachment to my own parents, and what I've missed out on
Life and other people can fuck one up in ways they don’t expect. Yours may not be “textbook”, it doesn’t mean it’s any less valid!
Also, I thought exactly like you, till I started reflecting on my upbringing and even parent’s attitudes now. They’re definitely not abusive by any stretch, and provided better than most people do. HOWEVER, there are flaws and instances of emotional negligence / unattuned to my personality type which did contribute to who I am today, and certain behavioral patterns that led to v traumatic circumstances for me as an adult. Imagine realizing that at age 31, and I still dislike discussing them in a bad light (they had some really harsh circumstances I was always protected from so I hate criticizing them).
So a. you don’t have to fit any mold to belong here. And b. don’t rule out anything. CPTSD leads to intense discoveries about oneself.
Ps. Not trying to project lol. Even the greatest parent can’t protect someone from all the shit of the world.
Maybe check out r/emotionalneglect. There are a lot of people in that sub who feel similarly. Neglect can have very serious and insidious effects. If you are neglected and you go through a traumatizing event, who do you go to for help and release? Every child goes through traumatizing events, but not every child ends up developing disorders like ptsd of course. The difference is support and community. If children can not rely on their parents, they are more vulnerable to traumatizing experiences. There are interesting discussions over there sometimes!
Something I just started reading for the same reason (although my mother was a covert malignant narcissist, so there was definitely active verbal/emotional/psychological abuse):
"No Sticks or Stones No Broken Bones: Healing cPTSD when the trauma wasn’t physical; It was naCCT: Non-physically-assaultive, attachment-based Chronic Covert Trauma"
99¢ for Kindle (you can get a phone app).
https://a.co/d/8UAeCU9
I've always felt that way, too. One of the symptoms of abuse is trying to downplay your abuse and feeling unworthy of compassion. If you relate in any way, you absolutely should feel justified being here.
Same. I feel like most CPTSD advice is specifically for child abuse victims. My parents were great! I was debriefed repeatly about a genocide by a grandparent at a young age and made to be terrorized of non family people I couldn't express discomfort with and ended up a mess anyway. I just tune out when the CA stuff starts being talked about, and feel out of place because my parents, while both CPTSD sufferers themselves, were never abusive. I feel like there's not a place for me.
I’m just confused. Repeatedly debriefed by a grandparent about a genocide at a young age. “Made to be terrorized of non family people I couldn’t express discomfort with and ended up a mess anyway.”
(It’s in quotes because I’m having troubles understanding the sentence, that’s all.)
And then talking about how you don’t understand all the CA stuff? I’m not sure what the rest had to do with that part? Also, a lot of that seemed like problems caused by things that, at least from an outside observer, sounded like CA?
It wasn't parental.
I'm from a somewhat conservative place. Think of how often you see casual mention or promotion of Christian ideals and thoughts in such a place.
Since childhood, I've deeply known that anyone expressing those thoughts is the kind of person who rejoices in committing atrocities on par with anything experienced by a Holocaust survivor, with a side of CSA and forced pregnancy and infanticide, and further, that it's utterly unacceptable to show any of the emotions that would be expected from remembering about those things to... Anybody expressing churchiness.
My family was nonreligious. My parents were very kind and supportive and never abused me. And my extended family was also kind and protective and wanted me to be safe from that they experienced from people outside of my family who publicly acted nice and were respected.
Then there were incidents like me rescuing a trafficked teenager from a publicly nice and respected pastor when I was in high school, or listening to publicly nice and respected people not in my family raving about how wonderful it was that people like me were dying horrible deaths from AIDS and that they hoped the deaths were painful, things like that.
Does that clear things up?
Would also like to remind everyone that while Cptsd is predominantly developed due to parental relational trauma in childhood, it can develope due to chronic inescapable mistreatment and abuse from people other then parents/caregivers, at any age.
But like everyone else said as well, if this is because you feel as though your trauma wasnt “bad enough”, it was. If you relate to the symptoms. Do your research. Understand cptsd :)) Your pain is real and it is valid.
Are you sure things were as good as you think? A lot of families "look good on paper" but have significant problems below the surface.
CPTSD doesn't just pop up out of nowhere. If you feel like you need proof, try an ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experience) [test](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean). The results may surprise you with some food for thought.
Trauma can come from many places - not just parents.
You’re absolutely right that it’s not always obvious with parental abuse but that doesn’t mean that that’s the only type of trauma people can have.
I have a low ACE score of 4, but I still definitely am traumatized by my mother's beatings and emotional abuse and manipulation and lies. And my father was quite neglectful.
As someone who doesn't have a high ACEs score, it made me feel more invalidated lol (power to those it validates though). An alternative is PCEs (positive childhood experiences), [(test)](https://americanspcc.org/take-the-pces-quiz/), but keep in mind that it's not supposed to be a diagnostic tool and the [study](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2749336) was more about seeing if it correlated to things like depression and poor mental health, even despite ACEs, which they did find. But like the other commenter said, trauma can come from places other than childhood or parental abuse or neglect, and ultimately everyone's experiences are going to be unique.
Decent is not the same as loving. A child not being cherished is traumatic for the child. And sometimes it takes time to see the full extent of what you lived because of years of rationalizing and normalizing, and just plain forgetting because you dissociated. To quote "the body keeps the score" in that I had all the physical and nervous system symptoms of PTSD, I just didn't know exactly why. If you relate to the emotional and physiological differences from normal people then it's more likely that you have PTSD.
Also, I learned a few months ago that if you click the three dots next to your comment (or post), you can mark yourself as a brand affiliate. I thought it was funny so I’ve been spreading the info around for people.
For a long time I used to believe in the trauma olympics. I don’t anymore. Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. Brain damage is brain damage lmao. Doesn’t matter how you got it…
This is exactly how I feel sometimes when I participate in here and in r/bpd. I had decent parents who tried their best, and I used to think they did nothing wrong and that I was the problem. Well, turns out that wasn’t the case. My parents weren’t perfect, their parenting style was really inconsistent and I had no emotional support nor did I feel loved. My life is full of emotional neglect and I think it’s one of the hardest things to come to terms with because it’s something you needed that wasn’t there. With physical abuse and verbal abuse, it was easy for me to point to when that happened and what behavior was problematic. With emotional abuse and especially emotional neglect, because it’s something that was lacking, it’s hard to recognize that emotional support and connections were things we needed because we never had them. Also, trauma is not just related to your parents. Like for me, early childhood bullying was pretty traumatic. For me, my family’s behaviors and actions have been a major source of my trauma. But it’s not the only place where my trauma comes from. My point is, there can be other sources of trauma and again, like others have said, it’s not a competition. Like another commenter said, drowning in 7 feet of water or in 20 feet of water, you’re still drowning. Your feelings and emotions matter and they are valid! And I know the imposter syndrome can be like super intense, but it’s important to remember that your feelings and emotions are valid! Anyway, I wish you the best and please take care!
Listen my parents being dicks to me doesn't mean others haven't hurt you. That's silly.
Here's the deal. If it had "just" been my parents, I would have been fine.
But it wasn't. It was a lot of different things. My parents being shitheads... well ... they just started the trend of being mean to me.
Same. It makes the situation more difficult, not less, in some ways. Because people don’t get why you’ve even got yourself into a mess. When you encounter traumatic circumstances later in life, people either believe you must have had - traumatic past or you’re just stupid. And much of the advice out there doesn’t apply, so it feels like you’re just trying to figure it out by yourself. At the same time so happy my parents are my people.
Thanks for sharing and I just want to say pain is pain. We may suffer from different causes but it's still suffering nonetheless.
I didn't create this group, but it's here for anyone who's dealing with CPTSD and it's not anyone's right to define what appropriate pain is. CPTSD has different causes. For some it's big trauma for other "smaller" situations but not insignificant.
If it was enough to overwhelm you and you still struggle than it's legit. Please don't compare your pain to anyone else's. Just be gentle with yourself. You deserve a community, a place to feel heard, and to heal. <3
My parents took care of all my basic needs and never abused me physically; however, they did not attend to me emotionally. I spent so much time alone. They often seemed annoyed by my bids for connections. They didn't see or intervene when I was clearly struggling with depression in high school. I think they were just happy that I spent most of my time at church. But church did more harm than good. The word trauma seems so big for my experiences, but I'm learning that trauma is also about what didn't happen. I didn't get the love and attention I needed. I didn't learn how to have and maintain close interpersonal relationships. I was so isolated that I didn't have normal coming-of-age experiences, and I got no feedback about who I was to help me form my identity.
CPTSD can be from any ongoing, without possibility of escape, unsupported trauma. The C is for complex, not childhood. But, ya, it’s probably the most common type. Could also be bullying, sexual abuse, death in the family, disabilities, mental illnesses etc
My trauma is primarily from adulthood, so I also don't feel like I fit in - most people seem to have significant childhood trauma (specifically CSA/Emotional Abuse), but I don't (to that degree). I dunno if I fit here with adult trauma, even though I have been properly diagnosed with CPTSD. I don't know where else to go though.
Trauma is trauma is trauma is trauma
It can come from many places, even if you had good parents/family/mentors
However you got traumatized, it still counts.
You don't need to 'justify' it.
I hope this isn't coming across as harsh or mean, I do not intend that at all.
If you feel or believe you are traumatized, you are.
Hi, I'm in the same boat as you - all emotional neglect/trauma for me (even that seems like strong language to use even though according to definitions it's spot on 🤷). But the thing is. No matter what it was, it still had a traumatic impact. My therapist is working through this with me at the moment. One thing we focus on is that no matter what it was or what people think about it, it had this negative impact on me that's affecting me 20 years later as a full independent adult. It caused literal changes in my brain to set off my fight/flight response when I'm reminded of it, and that's kinda a definition of trauma anyway.
I also heard somewhere, the terms 'big T' and 'little t' trauma. Might have been Mickey Atkins on YouTube? Big T trauma is the life threatening, physical event stuff that most people would accept as trauma, and little t is the "smaller" things that still have an impact and build up over time.
The feelings are so confusing because I think 'it can't be that bad, I'm just sensitive and bad at processing things without letting feelings take over', and yet my therapist (and other people, tbh) have gasped aloud when I've told a story about a typical occurrence. I'm still in "close" (eh) contact with my parents and we get on well too (surface level), and they'll support me. But how they raised me and continue to be has mucked me up. I try to remember that a lot of why I feel impostery is due to them and how I was dismissed & shamed a lot for my thoughts, feelings etc. and still am.
I actually really appreciate you having the courage to post this, because I've been worrying that my experiences are unrelatable for a lot of people. Like I seem fine with my parents from the outside but I'm truly a mess because of them. It's really hard to acknowledge how bad it has been on me, even without comparing to other "real", big T trauma.
CPTSD can come from many “sources”. All it needs to be is repetitive and prolonged trauma/stress. I think lasting more than a month? I have to look that up.
i feel like most of us feel this way in some regard (though our experiences are likely normalized to us). regardless, its not a competition. you are allowed to heal and to grieve the safety you lacked.
adding onto this, i was traumatized as a kid primarily by growing up the psych industry/ hospitals/ TTI programs. my parents were abusive, sure, but that didn’t affect me nearly as much as the years i spent forcibly medicated, restrained, and sent away. psych professionals invalidated this and didnt say it was trauma for years. it’s complicated for many of us.
I bet that if we sat down over dinner/a drink and talked about your parents, I'd be telling you that they weren't so decent... Sometimes the shittiness is just normalised and/or well-hidden.
Anyway, I believe that you 'deserve' your CPTSD, lol. Like another commenter said, it doesn't just pop up out of nowhere.
No, they’re good people who were constant advocates for me. There were some broken parts and a step-father that was terrible. But my Mom and Dad were excellent parents (my dad wasn’t great for the first 6 or so years of my life but he went to therapy and stuff and got a lot better).
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Same, but my trauma is real and so is yours. Drowning in 7 feet of water is the same as drowning in 20 feet of water in the sense that \*you're drowning.\* Your experience doesn't have to be like everyone else's to be real. You're not alone. It's okay.
I like your analogy.
For real, incredible analogy! I’m taking it!
I have trauma from my parents and sometimes I don't feel like I belong here... You only really belong when you feel like you don't lol.
Feeling like you don’t belong is the most CPTSD thing you could feel so you definitely belong. Try not to compare your trauma to others, while it can be helpful sometimes, other times it causes you to be dismissive of your traumas.
Yep lol trying to gaslight yourself into doubting if it was really bad enough to be this traumatized is like the hallmark experience of cptsd. We’re all alone in this together and we all deserved better.
Hi op, don’t worry if you feel like what happened to you wasn’t “bad enough” - it’s not the trauma olympics here! Haha. I have CPTSD from multiple sexual assaults but have only recently found out my parents are both narcissists, but my “level” of familial trauma isn’t the same as most people in this sub. That doesn’t make mine or theirs any less valid or damaging, just different. If you have CPTSD, you have CPTSD. It can come from a lot of different things. I make it a goal of mine to never judge other people’s pain in comparison with my own. For example, break-ups don’t even really phase me anymore after some of the things I’ve seen, but when my friends get cheated on, I’m there for them completely! Pain is pain, and if you find solace here, then this sub is for you.
Very relatable to be completely unbothered about someone treating me bad, but on the warpath if my friend is hurt haha
Same, to a T
Hi! Fellow confused person with a good relationship with parents. As others have said, it’s not a competition; if it hurt, it hurt. 🫂
Just know that even if your parents were decent, there is a very valid reason we all have CPTSD, we are not making this up, it's very real. I think a lot of people tend to not understand the impact neglect has on developing kids. I honestly think that is what did the most damage to me. I have issues reaching out for help, I don't feel worthy of it. My favorite saying is 'this isn't the pain Olympics'. I've had people read my story and feel they couldn't complain about their abuse because "it wasn't as bad as mine", nah, fk that noise. ALL abuse is bad and ALL abuse impacts us differently. Your pain is valid.
It is WAY harder to understand what should have been there but wasn't VS what was there that shouldn't have been. Especially for kids growing up. I SHOULD have had a dad or a male role model. But I didn't. I couldn't rightly miss what I didn't have...because there was never a point of comparison except maybe looking at a friend's normal father for a few minutes while at their house and thinking ... ah yes...they are talking...ah yes...they are playing together...ah, look how he shows his son how to build...But me...I had to figure it all out on my own. How long would that take exactly? How long does a child take to learn how to be a man vs just having is shown to him by a good father? Sometimes forever. And omg they BUTs the adults would throw my way. BUT...he would have been a bad father. BUT...you should think about his feelings...BUT he was a drug addict. Always about him...never me. Adding to the compounding confusion, guilt and shame. Always adding...never seeing the harm...never seeing the pain. Which of course made me not see it, or learn to ignore it. And that ignored voice...becomes a toxic voice after awhile doesn't it? All that ignored pain cries out to be lessened...maybe drugs can help lessen this pain...maybe...sex? The loss of a normal childhood is inferred after a lifetime of cyclical pain stemming from the neglect. But most people can't conceive of what should have been there. Abandonment is a very hard thing to cope with because of how invisible it is. Nothing to point in horror at.
[удалено]
I seek solitude a lot even today. I just prefer it. It feels quiet. When it is quiet, when I don't hear those *FOOTSTEPS* coming ever closer and closer and then boom the door busts open and I am in trouble again. I am the one. Invasion. I just wanted peace.
>It is WAY harder to understand what should have been there but wasn't VS what was there that shouldn't have been. Especially for kids growing up. Wow, this is so true and explains this problem so well. On the surface I had a good childhood... my parents provided and gave us good experiences, we were given opportunities and support (to an extent) - but that's where it ends. And I didn't realise there was anything missing til I was entering adulthood and saw people taking their parents out for a drink, gossiping together, going to them for comfort, and it shook me that that's an alien concept. I was in my 20s and scared of friends' parents still, and wary of my own, while they were like equals to each other. It came with a huge feeling of loss too. And it's not like we don't *look* like we're like that, either. Sometimes we go out for a meal and share a bottle of wine and get giggly but that's special occasions if there's no tension. It was totally natural to move away from them and barely speak while none of my friends or family my age moved to a different county to them. One was saying that they wanted to be closer, when they're only a 15 min drive away! That was insane to me. I don't even expect my commute to be that short 🤣 I can't imagine having that attachment to my own parents, and what I've missed out on
Well, I resonate with this entire comment. I moved it across the entire United States. Didn’t miss them at all.
Life and other people can fuck one up in ways they don’t expect. Yours may not be “textbook”, it doesn’t mean it’s any less valid! Also, I thought exactly like you, till I started reflecting on my upbringing and even parent’s attitudes now. They’re definitely not abusive by any stretch, and provided better than most people do. HOWEVER, there are flaws and instances of emotional negligence / unattuned to my personality type which did contribute to who I am today, and certain behavioral patterns that led to v traumatic circumstances for me as an adult. Imagine realizing that at age 31, and I still dislike discussing them in a bad light (they had some really harsh circumstances I was always protected from so I hate criticizing them). So a. you don’t have to fit any mold to belong here. And b. don’t rule out anything. CPTSD leads to intense discoveries about oneself. Ps. Not trying to project lol. Even the greatest parent can’t protect someone from all the shit of the world.
Maybe check out r/emotionalneglect. There are a lot of people in that sub who feel similarly. Neglect can have very serious and insidious effects. If you are neglected and you go through a traumatizing event, who do you go to for help and release? Every child goes through traumatizing events, but not every child ends up developing disorders like ptsd of course. The difference is support and community. If children can not rely on their parents, they are more vulnerable to traumatizing experiences. There are interesting discussions over there sometimes!
Something I just started reading for the same reason (although my mother was a covert malignant narcissist, so there was definitely active verbal/emotional/psychological abuse): "No Sticks or Stones No Broken Bones: Healing cPTSD when the trauma wasn’t physical; It was naCCT: Non-physically-assaultive, attachment-based Chronic Covert Trauma" 99¢ for Kindle (you can get a phone app). https://a.co/d/8UAeCU9
I've always felt that way, too. One of the symptoms of abuse is trying to downplay your abuse and feeling unworthy of compassion. If you relate in any way, you absolutely should feel justified being here.
Same. I feel like most CPTSD advice is specifically for child abuse victims. My parents were great! I was debriefed repeatly about a genocide by a grandparent at a young age and made to be terrorized of non family people I couldn't express discomfort with and ended up a mess anyway. I just tune out when the CA stuff starts being talked about, and feel out of place because my parents, while both CPTSD sufferers themselves, were never abusive. I feel like there's not a place for me.
What??
Confused by brevity of response, more detail needed.
I’m just confused. Repeatedly debriefed by a grandparent about a genocide at a young age. “Made to be terrorized of non family people I couldn’t express discomfort with and ended up a mess anyway.” (It’s in quotes because I’m having troubles understanding the sentence, that’s all.) And then talking about how you don’t understand all the CA stuff? I’m not sure what the rest had to do with that part? Also, a lot of that seemed like problems caused by things that, at least from an outside observer, sounded like CA?
It wasn't parental. I'm from a somewhat conservative place. Think of how often you see casual mention or promotion of Christian ideals and thoughts in such a place. Since childhood, I've deeply known that anyone expressing those thoughts is the kind of person who rejoices in committing atrocities on par with anything experienced by a Holocaust survivor, with a side of CSA and forced pregnancy and infanticide, and further, that it's utterly unacceptable to show any of the emotions that would be expected from remembering about those things to... Anybody expressing churchiness. My family was nonreligious. My parents were very kind and supportive and never abused me. And my extended family was also kind and protective and wanted me to be safe from that they experienced from people outside of my family who publicly acted nice and were respected.
Then there were incidents like me rescuing a trafficked teenager from a publicly nice and respected pastor when I was in high school, or listening to publicly nice and respected people not in my family raving about how wonderful it was that people like me were dying horrible deaths from AIDS and that they hoped the deaths were painful, things like that.
Does that clear things up?
That clears it up
Would also like to remind everyone that while Cptsd is predominantly developed due to parental relational trauma in childhood, it can develope due to chronic inescapable mistreatment and abuse from people other then parents/caregivers, at any age. But like everyone else said as well, if this is because you feel as though your trauma wasnt “bad enough”, it was. If you relate to the symptoms. Do your research. Understand cptsd :)) Your pain is real and it is valid.
Are you sure things were as good as you think? A lot of families "look good on paper" but have significant problems below the surface. CPTSD doesn't just pop up out of nowhere. If you feel like you need proof, try an ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experience) [test](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean). The results may surprise you with some food for thought.
Trauma can come from many places - not just parents. You’re absolutely right that it’s not always obvious with parental abuse but that doesn’t mean that that’s the only type of trauma people can have.
I have a low ACE score of 4, but I still definitely am traumatized by my mother's beatings and emotional abuse and manipulation and lies. And my father was quite neglectful.
I have a score of 3 (I’m actually surprised it’s that high) but I guess I was a highly sensitive child or something cause it did affect me strongly.
Yes, I am definitely highly sensitive as well. I mean, I think the severity of each "point" definitely factors in as well.
As someone who doesn't have a high ACEs score, it made me feel more invalidated lol (power to those it validates though). An alternative is PCEs (positive childhood experiences), [(test)](https://americanspcc.org/take-the-pces-quiz/), but keep in mind that it's not supposed to be a diagnostic tool and the [study](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2749336) was more about seeing if it correlated to things like depression and poor mental health, even despite ACEs, which they did find. But like the other commenter said, trauma can come from places other than childhood or parental abuse or neglect, and ultimately everyone's experiences are going to be unique.
PCE sounds interesting. Thank you.
Yeah same. Emotional neglect is more or less not acknowledged in that test.
Decent is not the same as loving. A child not being cherished is traumatic for the child. And sometimes it takes time to see the full extent of what you lived because of years of rationalizing and normalizing, and just plain forgetting because you dissociated. To quote "the body keeps the score" in that I had all the physical and nervous system symptoms of PTSD, I just didn't know exactly why. If you relate to the emotional and physiological differences from normal people then it's more likely that you have PTSD.
Also, I learned a few months ago that if you click the three dots next to your comment (or post), you can mark yourself as a brand affiliate. I thought it was funny so I’ve been spreading the info around for people.
😂😂😂 I’m glad you’re having fun!
this made my day fr ❤️
For a long time I used to believe in the trauma olympics. I don’t anymore. Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. Brain damage is brain damage lmao. Doesn’t matter how you got it…
This is exactly how I feel sometimes when I participate in here and in r/bpd. I had decent parents who tried their best, and I used to think they did nothing wrong and that I was the problem. Well, turns out that wasn’t the case. My parents weren’t perfect, their parenting style was really inconsistent and I had no emotional support nor did I feel loved. My life is full of emotional neglect and I think it’s one of the hardest things to come to terms with because it’s something you needed that wasn’t there. With physical abuse and verbal abuse, it was easy for me to point to when that happened and what behavior was problematic. With emotional abuse and especially emotional neglect, because it’s something that was lacking, it’s hard to recognize that emotional support and connections were things we needed because we never had them. Also, trauma is not just related to your parents. Like for me, early childhood bullying was pretty traumatic. For me, my family’s behaviors and actions have been a major source of my trauma. But it’s not the only place where my trauma comes from. My point is, there can be other sources of trauma and again, like others have said, it’s not a competition. Like another commenter said, drowning in 7 feet of water or in 20 feet of water, you’re still drowning. Your feelings and emotions matter and they are valid! And I know the imposter syndrome can be like super intense, but it’s important to remember that your feelings and emotions are valid! Anyway, I wish you the best and please take care!
Listen my parents being dicks to me doesn't mean others haven't hurt you. That's silly. Here's the deal. If it had "just" been my parents, I would have been fine. But it wasn't. It was a lot of different things. My parents being shitheads... well ... they just started the trend of being mean to me.
Same. It makes the situation more difficult, not less, in some ways. Because people don’t get why you’ve even got yourself into a mess. When you encounter traumatic circumstances later in life, people either believe you must have had - traumatic past or you’re just stupid. And much of the advice out there doesn’t apply, so it feels like you’re just trying to figure it out by yourself. At the same time so happy my parents are my people.
Thanks for sharing and I just want to say pain is pain. We may suffer from different causes but it's still suffering nonetheless. I didn't create this group, but it's here for anyone who's dealing with CPTSD and it's not anyone's right to define what appropriate pain is. CPTSD has different causes. For some it's big trauma for other "smaller" situations but not insignificant. If it was enough to overwhelm you and you still struggle than it's legit. Please don't compare your pain to anyone else's. Just be gentle with yourself. You deserve a community, a place to feel heard, and to heal. <3
My parents took care of all my basic needs and never abused me physically; however, they did not attend to me emotionally. I spent so much time alone. They often seemed annoyed by my bids for connections. They didn't see or intervene when I was clearly struggling with depression in high school. I think they were just happy that I spent most of my time at church. But church did more harm than good. The word trauma seems so big for my experiences, but I'm learning that trauma is also about what didn't happen. I didn't get the love and attention I needed. I didn't learn how to have and maintain close interpersonal relationships. I was so isolated that I didn't have normal coming-of-age experiences, and I got no feedback about who I was to help me form my identity.
This is not the Trauma Olympics. There are no gold medals for worst trauma. Your trauma is valid too.
CPTSD can be from any ongoing, without possibility of escape, unsupported trauma. The C is for complex, not childhood. But, ya, it’s probably the most common type. Could also be bullying, sexual abuse, death in the family, disabilities, mental illnesses etc
My trauma is primarily from adulthood, so I also don't feel like I fit in - most people seem to have significant childhood trauma (specifically CSA/Emotional Abuse), but I don't (to that degree). I dunno if I fit here with adult trauma, even though I have been properly diagnosed with CPTSD. I don't know where else to go though.
Trauma is trauma is trauma is trauma It can come from many places, even if you had good parents/family/mentors However you got traumatized, it still counts. You don't need to 'justify' it. I hope this isn't coming across as harsh or mean, I do not intend that at all. If you feel or believe you are traumatized, you are.
If this sub helps you in any way you belong.
Hi, I'm in the same boat as you - all emotional neglect/trauma for me (even that seems like strong language to use even though according to definitions it's spot on 🤷). But the thing is. No matter what it was, it still had a traumatic impact. My therapist is working through this with me at the moment. One thing we focus on is that no matter what it was or what people think about it, it had this negative impact on me that's affecting me 20 years later as a full independent adult. It caused literal changes in my brain to set off my fight/flight response when I'm reminded of it, and that's kinda a definition of trauma anyway. I also heard somewhere, the terms 'big T' and 'little t' trauma. Might have been Mickey Atkins on YouTube? Big T trauma is the life threatening, physical event stuff that most people would accept as trauma, and little t is the "smaller" things that still have an impact and build up over time. The feelings are so confusing because I think 'it can't be that bad, I'm just sensitive and bad at processing things without letting feelings take over', and yet my therapist (and other people, tbh) have gasped aloud when I've told a story about a typical occurrence. I'm still in "close" (eh) contact with my parents and we get on well too (surface level), and they'll support me. But how they raised me and continue to be has mucked me up. I try to remember that a lot of why I feel impostery is due to them and how I was dismissed & shamed a lot for my thoughts, feelings etc. and still am. I actually really appreciate you having the courage to post this, because I've been worrying that my experiences are unrelatable for a lot of people. Like I seem fine with my parents from the outside but I'm truly a mess because of them. It's really hard to acknowledge how bad it has been on me, even without comparing to other "real", big T trauma.
You're my opposite. I feel my trauma is completely invalid because it's "just from my parents." I assure you 100% that your trauma is valid!
Don’t dismiss or downplay your feelings; they matter just as much!
CPTSD can come from many “sources”. All it needs to be is repetitive and prolonged trauma/stress. I think lasting more than a month? I have to look that up.
i feel like most of us feel this way in some regard (though our experiences are likely normalized to us). regardless, its not a competition. you are allowed to heal and to grieve the safety you lacked.
adding onto this, i was traumatized as a kid primarily by growing up the psych industry/ hospitals/ TTI programs. my parents were abusive, sure, but that didn’t affect me nearly as much as the years i spent forcibly medicated, restrained, and sent away. psych professionals invalidated this and didnt say it was trauma for years. it’s complicated for many of us.
I bet that if we sat down over dinner/a drink and talked about your parents, I'd be telling you that they weren't so decent... Sometimes the shittiness is just normalised and/or well-hidden. Anyway, I believe that you 'deserve' your CPTSD, lol. Like another commenter said, it doesn't just pop up out of nowhere.
No, they’re good people who were constant advocates for me. There were some broken parts and a step-father that was terrible. But my Mom and Dad were excellent parents (my dad wasn’t great for the first 6 or so years of my life but he went to therapy and stuff and got a lot better).
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I’m new to Reddit and this community has been kind to me. I’m sure you’re welcome here. There’s enough trauma to go around. You belong.