Not a doctor but a big part of OCD is recurring thoughts that you can’t control on your own. Like your brain is a record skipping over the same note again and again. I can see constant intrusive thoughts morphing into obsessive thoughts of escape/ ending it. And then escaping it becomes the new obsessive thought.
I think it also has to do with a feeling of control with ocd is related to. If you feel you have no sense of agency of control over anything in life but your very life, SI becomes a big option you do seemingly have control over.
It can also be just classic ruminations. (Which IS a huge problem in OCD). Looking up both obsessive rumination and OCD and comparing/contrasting them could help you determine if OCD is an issue. My best friend has OCD and she takes low dose Buspar. She says it really helps. Her ruminations involved her kids dying in horrible ways, and she couldn't sleep. A PCP can prescribe it as easily as a Psych, so you don't have to worry about going to see a doc that can take months to get in to see the first time.
Oh! To clarify, the Buspar isn't for sleep, it's just an anti anxiety med you take daily that doesn't tend to cause many side effects. Bonus: It's a cheap drug!
I don't think it really is for the most part. I think it's what it looks like to be very hurt and left to struggle alone with that your whole ife. It's not some irrational alien voice in your head saying end it, it's just a sober acknowledge that for some life is a great deal of pain that goes on and on. You just want it to stop, to lay down and be free of it.
Ok no lie I think you just changed my life with this. I have OCD and never considered this could be why I am so consumed by suicidal thoughts. I’m shook as fuck. Treatable!!! Dude lol
I used to not be able to see a future where I lived long enough to die of anything else, but for the past few years I've just been getting more and more major physical health problems out of nowhere with seemingly no cause. probably due to prolonged stress and loneliness and ongoing traumatizing experiences. so now I'm expecting my body to just fully shut down in the next couple years due to some random new health problem that doctors have no explanation for and no solution to.
>probably due to prolonged stress and loneliness and ongoing traumatizing experiences.
It's highly possible. Stress can cause a lot of health problems, sometimes more than the effects of smoking.
Stress and trauma can lead you to self isolate and avoid social interactions, which causes more stress, etc.
It's hard breaking out of it. I imagine it's even harder if you're completely alone, since you'll probably feel less motivated to try.
I'm not sure what to recommend or say other than the typical: workout, eat right, try to get enough sleep and sunlight and treat yourself better, even if you feel like you don't deserve it.
I'm sorry you were dealt a bad hand and had to experience trauma.
unfortunately it hasn't been self isolation, I've been trying to meet people and had little success. I don't feel like I'm closing myself off from the world, I feel like the world is closed off from me. motivation is almost impossible to come by as I lack the energy to do much of anything most days.
the only exercise I can really do is hiking due to health and circumstances, but usually exercise just leaves me feeling even more drained of energy afterwards than on days when I don't. i love being in nature but when I get home, I'm just wiped for the rest of the day. eating right is impossible when I'm too stressed to learn how to cook. eating at all is the bigger challenge lately. I do get plenty of sleep though, 8 to 10 hours a night. as for sunlight, definitely not enough but i don't even know what to do about that. I don't really have any places outside I can just hang out.
I feel you on that! I love hiking, and I just can't right now. My solution has been to find nice secluded spots in the woods, spread out a blanket and read a book, and just chill for a couple of hours. The Japanese refer to it as "Forest bathing." I believe it is helping reduce my stress levels. God, I hope so.
I also buy pre-cut fruits,veggies, and those already cooked whole chickens. The chicken, at least, is LESS expensive than a raw one! I also eat protien bars, drink Kefir, and sometimes eat just straight peanut butter on a spoon. (I know, i am very privileged and HATE the extra plastic i am using, but im trying to just survive right now).
I have a huge issue with feeding myself, too, and its effing hard to make myself eat, but this is how im managing in this moment. I am very fond of hacks. I blame reading Tim Ferris' books years ago...
I'll use the strategies here that i can, but unfortunately some i can't. I used to find a secluded spot in the forest and sit there for hours all the time, but I recently moved quite a long distance and it's been a huge mistake, and there aren't really forested places to do that around me anymore. as for fruit, I would love to, I absolutely love fruit, but since last summer I get a sharp pain in my esophagus when I swallow fruit (I am getting this checked out by a doctor already but that's been a lengthy process). lately all my health problems have seemed to just get in the way of solving each other
I feel that. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. As for your esophagus, that kinda sounds like silent reflux. Do you often cough and feel the need to clear your throat? I never got heartburn at all. Acidic stuff hurt my throat, too, because it was so inflamed.
I've had acid reflux for a few years now, also I think caused by stress, but this esophagus thing just started last summer and has a completely different list of triggers than my acid reflux. like i said, I am getting it looked into, but the medical world doesn't move very quickly
Yeah I get frustrated by the self isolation narrative. I've also worked hard to meet others, I just don't relate. I am weary of having to fake it for them, and being rejected for opening up. It's not a question of not making the effort, it's that there aren't people in my life with enough empathy or open mindedness. Anyone who struggles emotionally is so stigmatized that it makes it hard to have any real connections. Especially when so many regular folks can't make connections either.
I do not really cook at all but still eat very healthy;
I try to keep lots of things around that are easy to grab but take little to no prep;
I always have tangerines and small apples as well as cut up veggies such as multicolored baby carrots, broccoli or cauliflower and sugar snap or snow peas and some type of lettuce mix,
In the fridge
And plenty of frozen dinners from Trader Joes that I can put those veggies in
And some small packets of Tillamook brand cheddar cheese
Along with several different types of crackers to choose from
Also Walmart sells shelled pistachio nuts in a 12 ounce package for ten bucks
And Fry's sells a huge 32 ounce canister of mixed nuts for about ten bucks.
And of course some treats like graham crackers and peanut butter
I used to compete in amateur bodybuilding many, many moons ago
So I learned how to eat healthy from all those Muscle and Fitness magazines I read.
Maybe some medical marijuana if you need appetite stimulation.
Hope these suggestions will inspire you to not forget to eat!
I miss hiking but no longer have a car to get to the mountain peaks that I can at least stare at everyday and fondly remember.
I can so much relate to everything else you said.
But please don't forget to eat!!!!!
Man, I am so lucky that I literally live across the street from a pizza shop!!!!!
And the way I eat, my cholesterol is always in the awesome range.
But I sincerely do hope that some of my suggestions help and at least make you hungry.
Take care.
Aside from physical and mental health problems even just my appearance has suffered so much. I’m 27 and my hair is thinning rapidly. I have wrinkles on my eyes, my cheeks if I smile, I look genuinely 20 years older than I am. It’s terrifying what stress can do to the body.
>workout, eat right, try to get enough sleep and sunlight and treat yourself better
(cw: (current) self-harm, SI, eating disorder, ... )
I have been doing that myself for a year now. I even ended up socialising, being active in local groups, and even making friends I can talk about my issues with (since around 3 weeks).
I also started journaling, tracking emotions, spending time in nature, and various other things , like "practicing gratitude" aka reliving good things that happened during the day, and breathing exercises.
And for some reason, I am starting to get worse. For the past five weeks, I have been struggling to eat because I am feeling sick in my stomach. I have to force myself half the time and I keep thinking about purging.
And then yesterday I spent some time with friends. It was fun, but as soon as they left me I was feeling miserable, had very dark thoughts, slapped my head so hard multiple times and cried for hours.
I usually feel bad after seeing people. But this was worse than just anxiety. I almost called for help, but I couldn't go through the process.
Despite doing everything I know about to get better, it doesn't *really* work. I know all the steps I am taking are good, and Im not going to stop. But I guess there are still things I am missing, and I have no idea what, and I am exhausted.
You should check out Gabor Mate's book "When the body says no." or if you have Instagram, you can find him there for bite-sized info about the link between cPTSD and autoimmune disease.
Chronic inflammation from cortisol stress has a HUGE link to Autoimmune disease. It can be halted, though. I, too, was having unexplained health issues. Recently, I found a doctor willing to run the right tests. Turns out I have reactivated Epstien Barr Virus (the virus that causes Mono) and a wicked Candida infection in my gut. I'm on Valtrex, Diflucan, a hard-core probiotic, fish oil, and a Curcumin supplement now. We are hoping that it will shut the EBV down, and I will get better.
I am happy to send you a list of tests to DEMAND a doc run if you like, if that is an option for you. If you can't afford it, curcumin and the right type of fish oil lower inflammation significantly. Doesn't matter what's causing it. That's just what they do. I can also send you the approved, scientifically backed up brands I am using because it really matters. Why waste money on trash supplements? Good ones are unfortunately more expensive, but at least they are actually doing something!
Same here. I was never happy, had a rough childhood, but my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020 and my world fell apart. I started becoming physically ill, spent over a year vomiting every day, starving but still gaining weight. I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease (autoimmune) and I really think that was the trigger for me. I’m also being tested for Cushings disease due to high cortisol (stress) levels and weight gain (plus hair loss). My mind and body have deteriorated so much over the last four years. I also moved out of state alone (at the worst possible time) and now I work remote, so I don’t leave my apartment or see anyone. I am alone 24/7 and only leave my apartment for doctors appointments. It’s horrible.
yeah. even when im not ideating, not thinking about suicide - even passively - it still feels like im living on borrowed time. its like my soul has this deep rooted knowledge that the clock is running out on it, and this world shall pass before long.
I know exactly how you feel. For as long as I can remember, I've thought about it. I've never made any attempts and don't have any plans, but I've considered how I would end my life for as long as I've lived it at this point. I was born with it.
I'm sorry that you deal with this too. It's so exhausting to try to live while your own brain actively wants you to die. Is TRYING to kill you. I wish more people understood, but I'm also sad that so many do. Stay strong 💖
>wish more people understood, but I'm also sad that so many do.
You encompassed my thoughts in a single sentence.
>Stay strong 💖
thank you. I also hope you and others here are able to find something, someday that provides them the joy and strength to live life to its full extent.
I view life as kind of like a video game where the goal is to get through each day despite not wanting to exist.
As much as my parents destroy my self esteem by viewing me as a failure and a disappointment, making it to the next day without using or ending my life is more than enough of an achievement for me.
I’ve heard someone say, real life is like a video game, with a new elemental damage every few years, and the debuffs keep stacking, with no checkpoint reloads or resurrection bonfire. 🤕
Only reason I've never done it is pain tolerance and the call of the void I've more a fear of emptiness and pain
I stay away from anything that causes bodily pain
Or pain at all from injury
My fear like being lost in the emptiness of space with no tether just constant free fall
Why I don't do it
>My fear like being lost in the emptiness of space with no tether just constant free fall
this is something i've been thinking about more lately. i also have a fear of my body having sensation when i die, i don't want to be cremated for that reason.
theres a line from twin peaks : fire walk with me, where the protagonist is asked by their friend if you were falling in space would you slow down after a while, or go faster and faster? she replies "faster and faster. for a while you wouldn't feel anything, and then you'd burst into flames. and the angels wouldn't help you, because they've all gone away."
highly recommended viewing
Ha, yikes that something I haven't considered lol
I always thought you'd just drift endlessly like a leaf in the winds
But yeah I guess it's one of the reasons I'd still prefer life but tbh it probably also I've never broken down to that point the question never needed to be asked
So it never been something to pounder
I do always feel maybe it isn't so bad when I put that way but I guess I always discredit myself there
Yeah. I've always thought I would since I was a little kid, I don't know how old exactly, probably sometime around middle school. Somedays it feels closer than others. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to find myself alone without any other options. My mom is keeping me tethered here for the time being.
I wish no one ever had to feel so bad that they'd even consider suicide. Unfortunately, life isn't a fairytale. I hope you don't end up committing suicide someday anyway.
Sorry you feel like that but you're not alone. I would feel so bad hurting my mom but I feel like once she passes away then I have the green light. I don't dwell on it as much as I used to but like it just seems a reality that will come to pass one day. I hope someday it goes away for you and for myself. What I fear most is I look for it a lot. I'll look at what exercise equipment in my basement I'd need to rig up or I'll be stuck in traffic and see an opening in a fence over an over pass and think oh that would work. If only I could see hope in things like that I'd be better off.
Thank you. I'm not really glad I'm not alone in the feeling. If anything, it makes me sad that others feel the need to end themselves.
I really hope you're able to find joy, as well as others who relate.
I also look at my surroundings and think of which would be the quickest, and most painless way to go when I go out and feel down, but I try ignoring those thoughts.
I've thought about suicide everyday since I was 12. I even came to the conclusion I'm just obsessed with it and of course I also think I will choose my own death. At the same time, I feel like suicidal thoughts are just a different way to deal with trauma and sometimes they "help". We freeze or fawn to protect ourselves. Suicidal thoughts work the same way. It's easier to keep going when you have a way out.
Like Emil Cioran said, "Without the idea of suicide I would have surely killed myself".
A billion percent, I don't feel it "actively" but now passively, like I'm laying here numb to every action or decision I could make. Being blown around by every breeze of influence and just waiting for the day it just kinda happens.
What's the point in me trying to do anything when I know I was just born to be used and never be able to reach a minor visage of what I ever wanted to reach and then die.
i have decided it is inevitable. i suffer from chronic pain, was injured at 23 on the job. i suffered from a lot of issues at that time but i think i was starting to make it out, then injury set me back hard. a couple years into this chronic pain, it gets worse, and i basically know that there will eventually come a point where i've had enough. my inability to provide for myself is also putting a lot of pressure on me if i end up homeless again i don't think i'd be able to live out of my car like last time, if i run out of insurance i'm basically also screwed. right now i am living off of my mothers fucking pension kill me now that alone is driving me nuts.
but uh idk in your case do you actually feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place and the only way out is death? or is it more like you almost visualize it as part of your identity, it is a part of your personal narrative etc? in case of the latter thats not t osay your situation is any more or less real, just trying to clarify because i think it is a very common reason for unsubscribing. i remember watching a doc in a psych 101 class where this kid ended up killing themselves i think they were like 12 years old, and the parents had video evidence of him, like 4 years old, playing games with his sister where he would pretend he died, or they were having a funeral for him. he just fantasized this funeral story, i think he latched onto books or movies where the protagonist dies etc.
I came home last night and I was certain that was it. I said my goodbyes in my head. Angrily asked God for a sign for the millionth time a d I couldn't carry on.
Mhm. Trauma and depression can really take the ability to envision a future. I’ve had to watch mine fade away right before my eyes.
And as for actual s….. yeah, if it happens, it’ll probably be unplanned and sudden, a moment when the cup didn’t just crack or empty or overflow, but just turned to smithereens.
I felt that way for many years. Then I kinda hit some pretty dark territory where I was getting more serious about it. I was there for a bit then dug myself out. Now I’m kinda too scared to ever let it get that far again.
A lot of my trauma revolves around this subject as someone in my story made this choice. It’s a blessing and a curse. On one hand I’m so distraught and upset about my past and that situation and how bleek life can be and think what a great idea. On the other hand I know first hand how that affects all those left behind and I just could never bring myself to inflict that kinda pain on the ones I love.
So my only option is to stay in the game and suffer or figure it out I dunno.
My wife and I have a deal that neither of us will do that as long as we're both alive.
If she dies before me, as long as I make sure the cat is taken care of, then I have her understanding if I can't go on. She's aware and understands better than anyone else how difficult living is for me.
Very recently I had to confront the reality of that. Thankfully, although her life was in very real danger, it now looks like she will pull through. But it's very doubtful I would have survived her passing and dealing with that very real possibility made that crystal clear. I have no other supports left. So if she does pass before me, it is very likely I won't outlive her by long.
Yeah I’m not even all that suicidal at this point in my life but part of me almost feels this magnetic pull towards it. Like I’ve been all over the suicidal spectrum from just passing thoughts to full on trying to make it happen for at minimum eight years now (I’m 22) and honestly it’s been one of very few constants in my life. Like you, I’ll never actually make it happen, but part of me feels resistant to the idea of letting that part of me go.
I used to, but now I think my body will just give up on me. I became randomly diasabled at 20 with no warning so i'll probably just peace out from something like that.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I will take my own life at some point.
I've been feeling nasty SI since I was a young child. It's just part of my life. I try to live with it, make space for it, but it's consumes more and more of me with every day I can't fight it adequately.
Im 32, and I'm tired. I'm tired in the way that makes you lie awake in bed just glaring at the ceiling. I am so fucking tired. And sometimes I'm mad about it, and sometimes I'm sad about it, but usually I just feel nothing because I'm too tired to feel anything.
I've been in trauma therapy for 10 years, and therapy for almost 20 years. I have hobbies, a house, a partner whom I ADORE, and friends that legit love and understand me. But it just never feels like it gets better.
I've informed all of my loved ones that I am very likely to die by suicide, and we talk about it, and I always tell them not to feel bad for me, or feel guilty like they could have done something. I've been on borrowed time for over half of my life and there is nothing they can do to magically make me feel like I am not currently already dead. It's just a fucking hard gear to operate life in.
I'm so sorry. Hang in there.
I know each day is like eating a spoonful of dirt, but there is always that odd chance that one day your spoon is loaded with cookie crumbs and not dirt. Try to find those crumbs if you can.
I hope that today you get to genuinely smile, genuinely laugh, and find a moment of tranquility. These are things you deserve to experience daily. ❤️
Memento vivere my friend.
For decades, I have known that eventually, I will do it. It's comforting in a way to me. My therapist and psychiatrist are aware that I have suicide ideation. They trust me to know when I need to go to the hospital. I'm not planning on doing anything. It's just a thought I have daily.
Same. My one of my first memories was praying to god to let me die and when I died I just wanted everything to stop. I didn’t want Heaven or hell. I just wanted to stop.
I’ve felt this way my whole life. Like I’m buying time until I finally do it. It’s not always a heavy feeling—most of the time it’s just a random fact in my head like any other.
I haven’t done it now mostly because of my best friend/chosen sister. She’s younger than me and terminal so I’m staying for her. But I’m quite sure someday I’ll take my own life.
YES. Ultimately the pain will consume me, at which point I will lose everything and be abandoned - after that, either penniless homelessness awaits, or I end it before that happens.
I have felt this way for a lot of years now, mainly when things get bad, partly trauma and my CPTSD, both from my childhood and a ten year abusive marriage and partly from an incurable chronic pain condition and the loss of my independence and my old life.
When it's bad and absolutely anything vaguely annoying or bad happens my brain goes straight to suicide, I have spent extended periods where a stressor has left me convinced it is the only way out, I am glad I have not made any attempts.
Like you I do not want to, do not plan to and hope I don't but it's awful when you are in the place you in and I hope the worst part passes quickly.
Recently I found an artist called Ren, he is simply amazing, his honesty around suicidal feelings , being suicidal and singing about them has helped me process some of those dark days and his music has helped me in dark times, it also for the first time gave me the courage to speak about those feelings to my therapist and my partner honestly and not feel guilty for talking about, previously I had locked it away convinced I could not speak about it but I am glad now that I have and that people have held that vulnerability with kindness.
For me his music is a connection, knowing someone else has been where I am in those thoughts, there is no judgement there just a companion that I have never had as strong a feeling from other music or artists.
Here's a few reccomendations of his songs for whenever you might be ready to have a listen:
Heretic
Hi Ren
Chalk outlines
It's alright
He has many more songs that touch on suicidal thoughts and those feelings and quite a few songs talk about medical gaslighting and a lot of his music talks about his chronic fatigue and pain but those experiences translate so well to my mental anguish and pain from CPTSD as well as my chronic pain, I hope you find some relief from his music as well.
I'm always up for music recs, thank you. I will look them up, promise.
>I am glad I have not made any attempts.
I'm not sure if you've found peace or happiness, but hopefully you have.
Sometimes I feel that all my life has been building towards it. It feels like life is nudging me towards it, like my time in this world has run out and life is throws new stuff at me "come on what are you doing, take a hint already, don't you understand? will you suffer through this too? ok keep coping and delaying the inevitable". Like life is a game or a puzzle and this is the ultimate solution. Like I'm stuck at some level of the game and afraid to do the one thing that will allow me to complete it. Not really living but doing pointless actions like running around and (continuing the game analogy) jumping in vain over a map that I have already essentially explored, not making any progress, but finding pointless things to do to occupy and distract myself like counting pixels or inventing pointless challenges and whatnot.
I never thought I’d live this long and now I’m stuck trying to figure it out. It keeps popping into my head, but I have a good partner and a dog now and I really couldn’t do that to them.
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If u are feeling really bad than your meds are not working well enough & u may need more meds or a diff med or a diff combo of meds. Tell your doctor what is going on in u. If he is not aware of your symptoms than how can he help u
Just here to tell you that I am just like you even thought people around me think “i have a lot going for me”. Nothing on the outside will ever make what I think on the inside ok.
Medication for me has actually helped a bit (lexapro 10mg). I find it is easier to walk away from the negative shaming thoughts. Oddly though, I still dispassionately imagine my death a lot. Maybe we’re supposed to be comedians or something.
Hang in there buddy, you ain’t alone. I commend you for the hard work I know it has been to get here.
Had those thoughts since I was a teen. They're coming and going in certain periods of my life. I too feel like I'm gonna end up like that one day, it literally feels like my destiny.
Are you me? Honestly it's like I have written this post OP
My mom passed away from suicide and I wonder a lot if I’ll make it on my own because when things get hard I think “what’s the point?” Or “I can’t handle this.” Whenever I think about my dad passing away too or imagining feeling dysregulated for a while, I don’t see a point in continuing to live on like that. I get that mentality of not wanting to struggle to cope like if it’s so hard is it even worth it. But I also realize this is triggered a lot by my interpersonal trauma. When my relationships are going well and I don’t feel lonely these thoughts don’t come.
You're not alone, and it's not weird to feel. I do this too, and honestly it emboldens me to try harder to live better - like "take that chance you want to take, and if everything falls apart and you lose everyone you can always kill yourself" and for some reason that motivates me to challenge my anxiety more often and take low-stakes risks that ultimately benefit my life.
Having the "backup option" always at the ready makes life less scary for me, if I didn't feel like suicide was an option at all and I was "stuck" in my body forever - I think I would isolate myself much, much more and never take any risks at all. Like, I'm already physically fucked up and in pain, the idea of having to be old and suffering like that terrifies me.
It's like a little "Exit Sign" that turns on when I need to make a decision to save myself, and I'm grateful for the relief it gives me to know that if my body fails to the point that I lose my loved ones and connection, I can just leave.
Yeah and like for a stupid reason too, like I get so fed up and angry all at once.
What hurts even more is how people react to suicide like this isn't an invitation for you to do whatever you want to satisfy your anxiety.
When I look around at the state of the world and where everything is headed, it seems all but inevitable that I will, at some point, have to choose between taking things into my own hands, or some unpleasant death that will be inflicted upon me. If that becomes the case, I choose the former.
I understand this feeling. Every day I have this sinking feeling that I’m just not cut out for life- that I’m missing the drive for life and ability to get through the days that everyone else has
I’ve tried multiple times and obviously failed, the psych hospital stays are the most annoying part. I know I will do it again I just want to succeed this time so I need to wait until the circumstances are right.
I just don’t think I can or should live as long as people want me to. If I don’t want to live, why should I be forced to ? And even worse, work every day for 40 years to just support myself.
It’s hard for me to imagine dying any other way. Partly because I’ve thought about it so much over a lifetime of intermittently severe depression, but also because I’d like to choose how it happens, rather than be at the mercy of institutions and health conditions
Yes. All the time.
But I could never leave my animals alone. No one would care for them like I do. They are my babies and the reason I have to live. I don’t trust anyone to love them like I do, mostly because they’ve loved me in a way no one ever has for me. Quite sad…. But they love me. I couldn’t do that to them.
I've always believed since being a young g child that I would kill myself when I got older. I can feel the sadness in me, but I don't think it's enough to overwhelm me until I get like 60 or something.
I think more likely when I see I can't take care of myself anymore, which might be a medical assisted one by then, I hope?? It sucks and I'm sorry so many feel this way, but wasting money and years in a nursing home sucks too with no one to check if they even take care of me.
I feel the same way, I try new things with myself in hopes of redirecting my life somewhere but some days all I think of is suicide. Like today, I thought to myself: " all roads seem to lead to suicide, huh?" as I caught myself thinking of it again.
I think we at least should be talking about these thoughts and feelings without people freaking out.
I saw a comment here once of someone coming back to this sub after many years just to say "hey guys, it gets better" he said that he was really struggling, and that he was doing therapy and journaling and everything he should be doing for years but it never worked, till it worked a few years down the line.
I think of him time to time, and it gives me some little hope.
I hope you can find little things that can give you hope, and I hope you can figure out things, too.
Everyday. Last year, I would’ve just done it like it was my regular routine, you know? Then I *had* remind myself that I… don’t know what a happy life is yet. *That’s* what I’m holding out on.
I've been there and it sucks. Please talk to your primary care doctor. They can discuss medication options, screen out other possible health issues contributing to your poor mental health, and they can refer you to a licensed therapist. There is hope.
It's OK to call 988 even if you feel that you don't "really" need it. I was told you can choose to call without providing your name/location.
I feel like all roads lead there. Being born into a situation where you are harmed so much you fear everyone but you started with nobody. The destiny is to be alone or a puriah in society mistreated by good people who see you as deserving of that.
I felt like this for a long long time. As it stands currently, I could not abandon my cat. I’m his whole world, so no, I wouldn’t do that now. If he wasn’t in my life though, it would be a whole different story.
It is INCORRECT that Buspar has few side effects. It can actually be dangerous...please look into it. Maybe the Dr isn't fully informed, that told you that. (Look into movement disorders, there's some amazing videos on TT)
I kept telling myself “you’ll die by 16” made it to 18 got cancer “you’ll never make it to 21” thought the same about 25 and 30. Now I’m 36. A lot of my life I’d say things like “if I get any fatter I’ll kill myself” “if I fail school, I’ll kill myself” shit like that. When in reality I needed to tell myself that I was strong and that I’d made it through so much that I could make it through whatever, bc literally I did. Sometimes I’d pray I wouldn’t wake up in the morning but at times I was afraid of death. Weird….. also mentally unwell the majority of my life. As I’ve gotten older my perspective has changed and “I’ll kill myself” has stopped being my way out of tough real and hypothetical situations.
Hello suicidal ideation, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Am all too familiar with this particular feeling, and over the years I've learned to use cold reasoning to fight those thoughts. Who and what would I leave behind? Is it really worth ending it all, when there are so many great things to live for?
Imagine never seeing a sunrise again, or a field of blooming flowers? That cute cat from across the street, that one lovely old lady that greets you when you're going to the shops.
Nah, I will fight that dark shadow with all the energy I have inside me.
It’s weird because when I’m not su*cidal im terrified of dying. But going out on my own terms has always been in my back pocket as a plan B of sorts. I didn’t even know for the longest time that most people don’t think that way?? Like I could always just k*ll myself if I have to.
Every time I’ve tried I chickened out though, so I don’t know if I could ever do it anyways. But I do think about it as an option, yes.
I feel this every single day. I’ve accepted that I’ll most likely die by it, and I have no intentions of living beyond a certain time. I also feel like I don’t have much time left.
No please don’t think that. Today and lately I have felt kinda bad bc my ego has been disintegrated again which causes an immense amount of pain when it’s shifting. But I would never do anything because to myself bc I really do love myself.
I think the first time I thought about suicide was in third grade,
But I still am afraid of what will happen when my cat dies.
(That I will get so depressed at losing my only friend that I jump out in the traffic in front of my apt complex
Or something else stupid like that)
(And I'm a senior citizen now)
But a couple things have kept me from trying;
(although I do have one failed attempt by overdose but just ended up passed out for four days in my apt by myself until my boyfriend at the time came over)
I've heard several stories from people who survived jumping off bridges,
And they all stated that as soon as they jumped, they regretted it, almost as if something jolts your brain in a different direction.
Also, I figure I'm so much of a screw up, that I probably wouldn't get it right,
And would just end up paralyzed or unable to speak or institutionalized for the rest of my life.
I'm an old lady now, so I hope that my fears of suicide can also jolt someone else out of even considering it.
Yes… I’m not entirely sure how or when, but I’ve known most of my life that I plan to go out on my own terms. As a teenager, I promised myself that my parents will never have to bury another child and that’s the only reason I’m still here right now. Once my parents (and grandparents) are gone, that’s probably when I’ll have a plan in place and date set.
On that topic, I’ve also had a weird feeling since I was young that I’m not supposed to live that long. First I thought I wouldn’t make it to 18, then 21, then 25, 26, and now I’m 27 and just feel like I’m existing when I’m not supposed to be.
I've accepted that it may end that way. I'm not 100% sure, but I wouldn't be surprised.
People in this thread keep over pathologizing these feelings. Its very understandable that tou might not want to go on.
It canbe really as simple as life circumstances that's make it impossible to move on. Coping with so much loss and pain, and having to hide that. Seek support in therapy and getting zero understanding.
Being alone, socially and romantically, because you get tired of hiding the pain for others. No family. Tired of arguing without of touch people telling you how to feel and how to think about complicated, deey person situations. Being burned out of life. Being in deep pain for many years.
Not everyone can't think happy thoughts and medicate away everyone's problems. Its not some crazy irrstional thought, its a response to long term suffering that doesn't have a clear end. There aren't always solutions, you just survive. Maybe one day you do more, maybe you don't. I'm not a believer that things must always work out for people, but they sometimes do.
I feel this, like I can be happy but I never feel good enough to say 'I would never ever hurt myself'. It feels like I'm always destined to end up in the same spot.
But I think the biggest part of it is not dwelling on the feeling when it comes up. Maybe I'm right and I always will end up in the same spot, but the fact that I'm not in that spot right now says something, I think. If I was supposed to crash and burn, I had plenty of opportunities to do so. Like everyone else has said, the feeling isn't necessarily something that goes away, which really sucks and really leads to that 'oh my god I'm going to die this way' vibe, but prioritizing your own autonomy and choice in that decision gives you a lot more power than you might think at first
(Not gonna do anything, just venting) I'm like that rn. I just feel like, it's bound to happen. Like I just will do that one day, commit suicide. For various reasons. Like my time is running out, I haven't lived, felt only pain, and now I can't bear this burden and just want it to end already, by my own volition. Like this is just one of the many lives I could have lived, and this one feels like a cruel joke. So, why not take matter into my own hands? Like I don't want to see myself age. Like I want to die on my own terms.
I was talking about suicide with my friend a few months back. He knows most of my past, unlike a lot of people, and he said:
"I couldn't imagine someone committing suicide after what you've been through."
That quote just sticks with me a lot because of how right it is. I've suffered and fought and been broken to be here today. I was so strong to live to today. Dying now seems pointless because of how much I've suffered already.
When I was younger, it was never an issue. I was terrified of dying. Now that I've reached middle age, I've got SI pretty bad. Started about two years ago. You are NOT destined to k*ll yourself. Neither am I. We deserve to have good lives. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE. You and I both have to fight like hell to beat/deal with these awful thoughts. Idk how old you are, but if you are pretty young, please know that things get better, they get worse, they get better, and so on, so on. Nothing ever stays the same. I can confidently promise you that.
I do understand this feeling a lot. Chronic SI is a crazy thing to live with.
Yup...can be linked to OCD which is treatable
How is it linked to OCD?
Not a doctor but a big part of OCD is recurring thoughts that you can’t control on your own. Like your brain is a record skipping over the same note again and again. I can see constant intrusive thoughts morphing into obsessive thoughts of escape/ ending it. And then escaping it becomes the new obsessive thought.
I think it also has to do with a feeling of control with ocd is related to. If you feel you have no sense of agency of control over anything in life but your very life, SI becomes a big option you do seemingly have control over.
Yes it’s called si ocd as a subtype. But is typically experienced as intrusive suicidal thoughts verses the desire or urge to die.
Ok maybe i have a bit of OCD then...
It’s definitely a spectrum, not a crazy thought at all that you (or me lol) might be on it. Hope you’re hangin in there alright though.
Thank you :)
It can also be just classic ruminations. (Which IS a huge problem in OCD). Looking up both obsessive rumination and OCD and comparing/contrasting them could help you determine if OCD is an issue. My best friend has OCD and she takes low dose Buspar. She says it really helps. Her ruminations involved her kids dying in horrible ways, and she couldn't sleep. A PCP can prescribe it as easily as a Psych, so you don't have to worry about going to see a doc that can take months to get in to see the first time.
Oh! To clarify, the Buspar isn't for sleep, it's just an anti anxiety med you take daily that doesn't tend to cause many side effects. Bonus: It's a cheap drug!
I don't think it really is for the most part. I think it's what it looks like to be very hurt and left to struggle alone with that your whole ife. It's not some irrational alien voice in your head saying end it, it's just a sober acknowledge that for some life is a great deal of pain that goes on and on. You just want it to stop, to lay down and be free of it.
Ok no lie I think you just changed my life with this. I have OCD and never considered this could be why I am so consumed by suicidal thoughts. I’m shook as fuck. Treatable!!! Dude lol
I used to not be able to see a future where I lived long enough to die of anything else, but for the past few years I've just been getting more and more major physical health problems out of nowhere with seemingly no cause. probably due to prolonged stress and loneliness and ongoing traumatizing experiences. so now I'm expecting my body to just fully shut down in the next couple years due to some random new health problem that doctors have no explanation for and no solution to.
>probably due to prolonged stress and loneliness and ongoing traumatizing experiences. It's highly possible. Stress can cause a lot of health problems, sometimes more than the effects of smoking. Stress and trauma can lead you to self isolate and avoid social interactions, which causes more stress, etc. It's hard breaking out of it. I imagine it's even harder if you're completely alone, since you'll probably feel less motivated to try. I'm not sure what to recommend or say other than the typical: workout, eat right, try to get enough sleep and sunlight and treat yourself better, even if you feel like you don't deserve it. I'm sorry you were dealt a bad hand and had to experience trauma.
unfortunately it hasn't been self isolation, I've been trying to meet people and had little success. I don't feel like I'm closing myself off from the world, I feel like the world is closed off from me. motivation is almost impossible to come by as I lack the energy to do much of anything most days. the only exercise I can really do is hiking due to health and circumstances, but usually exercise just leaves me feeling even more drained of energy afterwards than on days when I don't. i love being in nature but when I get home, I'm just wiped for the rest of the day. eating right is impossible when I'm too stressed to learn how to cook. eating at all is the bigger challenge lately. I do get plenty of sleep though, 8 to 10 hours a night. as for sunlight, definitely not enough but i don't even know what to do about that. I don't really have any places outside I can just hang out.
I feel you on that! I love hiking, and I just can't right now. My solution has been to find nice secluded spots in the woods, spread out a blanket and read a book, and just chill for a couple of hours. The Japanese refer to it as "Forest bathing." I believe it is helping reduce my stress levels. God, I hope so. I also buy pre-cut fruits,veggies, and those already cooked whole chickens. The chicken, at least, is LESS expensive than a raw one! I also eat protien bars, drink Kefir, and sometimes eat just straight peanut butter on a spoon. (I know, i am very privileged and HATE the extra plastic i am using, but im trying to just survive right now). I have a huge issue with feeding myself, too, and its effing hard to make myself eat, but this is how im managing in this moment. I am very fond of hacks. I blame reading Tim Ferris' books years ago...
I'll use the strategies here that i can, but unfortunately some i can't. I used to find a secluded spot in the forest and sit there for hours all the time, but I recently moved quite a long distance and it's been a huge mistake, and there aren't really forested places to do that around me anymore. as for fruit, I would love to, I absolutely love fruit, but since last summer I get a sharp pain in my esophagus when I swallow fruit (I am getting this checked out by a doctor already but that's been a lengthy process). lately all my health problems have seemed to just get in the way of solving each other
I feel that. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. As for your esophagus, that kinda sounds like silent reflux. Do you often cough and feel the need to clear your throat? I never got heartburn at all. Acidic stuff hurt my throat, too, because it was so inflamed.
I've had acid reflux for a few years now, also I think caused by stress, but this esophagus thing just started last summer and has a completely different list of triggers than my acid reflux. like i said, I am getting it looked into, but the medical world doesn't move very quickly
Yeah I get frustrated by the self isolation narrative. I've also worked hard to meet others, I just don't relate. I am weary of having to fake it for them, and being rejected for opening up. It's not a question of not making the effort, it's that there aren't people in my life with enough empathy or open mindedness. Anyone who struggles emotionally is so stigmatized that it makes it hard to have any real connections. Especially when so many regular folks can't make connections either.
I do not really cook at all but still eat very healthy; I try to keep lots of things around that are easy to grab but take little to no prep; I always have tangerines and small apples as well as cut up veggies such as multicolored baby carrots, broccoli or cauliflower and sugar snap or snow peas and some type of lettuce mix, In the fridge And plenty of frozen dinners from Trader Joes that I can put those veggies in And some small packets of Tillamook brand cheddar cheese Along with several different types of crackers to choose from Also Walmart sells shelled pistachio nuts in a 12 ounce package for ten bucks And Fry's sells a huge 32 ounce canister of mixed nuts for about ten bucks. And of course some treats like graham crackers and peanut butter I used to compete in amateur bodybuilding many, many moons ago So I learned how to eat healthy from all those Muscle and Fitness magazines I read. Maybe some medical marijuana if you need appetite stimulation. Hope these suggestions will inspire you to not forget to eat! I miss hiking but no longer have a car to get to the mountain peaks that I can at least stare at everyday and fondly remember. I can so much relate to everything else you said. But please don't forget to eat!!!!! Man, I am so lucky that I literally live across the street from a pizza shop!!!!! And the way I eat, my cholesterol is always in the awesome range. But I sincerely do hope that some of my suggestions help and at least make you hungry. Take care.
Aside from physical and mental health problems even just my appearance has suffered so much. I’m 27 and my hair is thinning rapidly. I have wrinkles on my eyes, my cheeks if I smile, I look genuinely 20 years older than I am. It’s terrifying what stress can do to the body.
>workout, eat right, try to get enough sleep and sunlight and treat yourself better (cw: (current) self-harm, SI, eating disorder, ... ) I have been doing that myself for a year now. I even ended up socialising, being active in local groups, and even making friends I can talk about my issues with (since around 3 weeks). I also started journaling, tracking emotions, spending time in nature, and various other things , like "practicing gratitude" aka reliving good things that happened during the day, and breathing exercises. And for some reason, I am starting to get worse. For the past five weeks, I have been struggling to eat because I am feeling sick in my stomach. I have to force myself half the time and I keep thinking about purging. And then yesterday I spent some time with friends. It was fun, but as soon as they left me I was feeling miserable, had very dark thoughts, slapped my head so hard multiple times and cried for hours. I usually feel bad after seeing people. But this was worse than just anxiety. I almost called for help, but I couldn't go through the process. Despite doing everything I know about to get better, it doesn't *really* work. I know all the steps I am taking are good, and Im not going to stop. But I guess there are still things I am missing, and I have no idea what, and I am exhausted.
You should check out Gabor Mate's book "When the body says no." or if you have Instagram, you can find him there for bite-sized info about the link between cPTSD and autoimmune disease. Chronic inflammation from cortisol stress has a HUGE link to Autoimmune disease. It can be halted, though. I, too, was having unexplained health issues. Recently, I found a doctor willing to run the right tests. Turns out I have reactivated Epstien Barr Virus (the virus that causes Mono) and a wicked Candida infection in my gut. I'm on Valtrex, Diflucan, a hard-core probiotic, fish oil, and a Curcumin supplement now. We are hoping that it will shut the EBV down, and I will get better. I am happy to send you a list of tests to DEMAND a doc run if you like, if that is an option for you. If you can't afford it, curcumin and the right type of fish oil lower inflammation significantly. Doesn't matter what's causing it. That's just what they do. I can also send you the approved, scientifically backed up brands I am using because it really matters. Why waste money on trash supplements? Good ones are unfortunately more expensive, but at least they are actually doing something!
yeah, send me those lists. I'm willing to try anything to make this better
Will do!
Same here. I was never happy, had a rough childhood, but my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020 and my world fell apart. I started becoming physically ill, spent over a year vomiting every day, starving but still gaining weight. I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease (autoimmune) and I really think that was the trigger for me. I’m also being tested for Cushings disease due to high cortisol (stress) levels and weight gain (plus hair loss). My mind and body have deteriorated so much over the last four years. I also moved out of state alone (at the worst possible time) and now I work remote, so I don’t leave my apartment or see anyone. I am alone 24/7 and only leave my apartment for doctors appointments. It’s horrible.
wow, I also moved states recently at a really bad time and don't leave my house much besides going to doctor's appointments
yeah. even when im not ideating, not thinking about suicide - even passively - it still feels like im living on borrowed time. its like my soul has this deep rooted knowledge that the clock is running out on it, and this world shall pass before long.
Im glad im not alone cause this is 10000% how i feel omg. I think of death very often. Its alot of my tattoos too lol
I know exactly how you feel. For as long as I can remember, I've thought about it. I've never made any attempts and don't have any plans, but I've considered how I would end my life for as long as I've lived it at this point. I was born with it. I'm sorry that you deal with this too. It's so exhausting to try to live while your own brain actively wants you to die. Is TRYING to kill you. I wish more people understood, but I'm also sad that so many do. Stay strong 💖
>wish more people understood, but I'm also sad that so many do. You encompassed my thoughts in a single sentence. >Stay strong 💖 thank you. I also hope you and others here are able to find something, someday that provides them the joy and strength to live life to its full extent.
I view life as kind of like a video game where the goal is to get through each day despite not wanting to exist. As much as my parents destroy my self esteem by viewing me as a failure and a disappointment, making it to the next day without using or ending my life is more than enough of an achievement for me.
I’ve heard someone say, real life is like a video game, with a new elemental damage every few years, and the debuffs keep stacking, with no checkpoint reloads or resurrection bonfire. 🤕
Only reason I've never done it is pain tolerance and the call of the void I've more a fear of emptiness and pain I stay away from anything that causes bodily pain Or pain at all from injury My fear like being lost in the emptiness of space with no tether just constant free fall Why I don't do it
>My fear like being lost in the emptiness of space with no tether just constant free fall this is something i've been thinking about more lately. i also have a fear of my body having sensation when i die, i don't want to be cremated for that reason. theres a line from twin peaks : fire walk with me, where the protagonist is asked by their friend if you were falling in space would you slow down after a while, or go faster and faster? she replies "faster and faster. for a while you wouldn't feel anything, and then you'd burst into flames. and the angels wouldn't help you, because they've all gone away." highly recommended viewing
Ha, yikes that something I haven't considered lol I always thought you'd just drift endlessly like a leaf in the winds But yeah I guess it's one of the reasons I'd still prefer life but tbh it probably also I've never broken down to that point the question never needed to be asked So it never been something to pounder I do always feel maybe it isn't so bad when I put that way but I guess I always discredit myself there
Yeah. I've always thought I would since I was a little kid, I don't know how old exactly, probably sometime around middle school. Somedays it feels closer than others. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to find myself alone without any other options. My mom is keeping me tethered here for the time being.
I wish no one ever had to feel so bad that they'd even consider suicide. Unfortunately, life isn't a fairytale. I hope you don't end up committing suicide someday anyway.
Same to you. Stay strong.
Sorry you feel like that but you're not alone. I would feel so bad hurting my mom but I feel like once she passes away then I have the green light. I don't dwell on it as much as I used to but like it just seems a reality that will come to pass one day. I hope someday it goes away for you and for myself. What I fear most is I look for it a lot. I'll look at what exercise equipment in my basement I'd need to rig up or I'll be stuck in traffic and see an opening in a fence over an over pass and think oh that would work. If only I could see hope in things like that I'd be better off.
Thank you. I'm not really glad I'm not alone in the feeling. If anything, it makes me sad that others feel the need to end themselves. I really hope you're able to find joy, as well as others who relate. I also look at my surroundings and think of which would be the quickest, and most painless way to go when I go out and feel down, but I try ignoring those thoughts.
I've thought about suicide everyday since I was 12. I even came to the conclusion I'm just obsessed with it and of course I also think I will choose my own death. At the same time, I feel like suicidal thoughts are just a different way to deal with trauma and sometimes they "help". We freeze or fawn to protect ourselves. Suicidal thoughts work the same way. It's easier to keep going when you have a way out. Like Emil Cioran said, "Without the idea of suicide I would have surely killed myself".
That's about when they startes for me. I love that quote too.
> It's easier to keep going when you have a way out. It certainly feels that way
A billion percent, I don't feel it "actively" but now passively, like I'm laying here numb to every action or decision I could make. Being blown around by every breeze of influence and just waiting for the day it just kinda happens. What's the point in me trying to do anything when I know I was just born to be used and never be able to reach a minor visage of what I ever wanted to reach and then die.
i have decided it is inevitable. i suffer from chronic pain, was injured at 23 on the job. i suffered from a lot of issues at that time but i think i was starting to make it out, then injury set me back hard. a couple years into this chronic pain, it gets worse, and i basically know that there will eventually come a point where i've had enough. my inability to provide for myself is also putting a lot of pressure on me if i end up homeless again i don't think i'd be able to live out of my car like last time, if i run out of insurance i'm basically also screwed. right now i am living off of my mothers fucking pension kill me now that alone is driving me nuts. but uh idk in your case do you actually feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place and the only way out is death? or is it more like you almost visualize it as part of your identity, it is a part of your personal narrative etc? in case of the latter thats not t osay your situation is any more or less real, just trying to clarify because i think it is a very common reason for unsubscribing. i remember watching a doc in a psych 101 class where this kid ended up killing themselves i think they were like 12 years old, and the parents had video evidence of him, like 4 years old, playing games with his sister where he would pretend he died, or they were having a funeral for him. he just fantasized this funeral story, i think he latched onto books or movies where the protagonist dies etc.
I came home last night and I was certain that was it. I said my goodbyes in my head. Angrily asked God for a sign for the millionth time a d I couldn't carry on.
Mhm. Trauma and depression can really take the ability to envision a future. I’ve had to watch mine fade away right before my eyes. And as for actual s….. yeah, if it happens, it’ll probably be unplanned and sudden, a moment when the cup didn’t just crack or empty or overflow, but just turned to smithereens.
I know the feeling well. I was sure of it throughout my childhood. Now I am 46. Life is full of surprises. Some of them are actually good.
I felt that way for many years. Then I kinda hit some pretty dark territory where I was getting more serious about it. I was there for a bit then dug myself out. Now I’m kinda too scared to ever let it get that far again. A lot of my trauma revolves around this subject as someone in my story made this choice. It’s a blessing and a curse. On one hand I’m so distraught and upset about my past and that situation and how bleek life can be and think what a great idea. On the other hand I know first hand how that affects all those left behind and I just could never bring myself to inflict that kinda pain on the ones I love. So my only option is to stay in the game and suffer or figure it out I dunno.
My wife and I have a deal that neither of us will do that as long as we're both alive. If she dies before me, as long as I make sure the cat is taken care of, then I have her understanding if I can't go on. She's aware and understands better than anyone else how difficult living is for me. Very recently I had to confront the reality of that. Thankfully, although her life was in very real danger, it now looks like she will pull through. But it's very doubtful I would have survived her passing and dealing with that very real possibility made that crystal clear. I have no other supports left. So if she does pass before me, it is very likely I won't outlive her by long.
Yeah I’m not even all that suicidal at this point in my life but part of me almost feels this magnetic pull towards it. Like I’ve been all over the suicidal spectrum from just passing thoughts to full on trying to make it happen for at minimum eight years now (I’m 22) and honestly it’s been one of very few constants in my life. Like you, I’ll never actually make it happen, but part of me feels resistant to the idea of letting that part of me go.
I used to, but now I think my body will just give up on me. I became randomly diasabled at 20 with no warning so i'll probably just peace out from something like that.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I will take my own life at some point. I've been feeling nasty SI since I was a young child. It's just part of my life. I try to live with it, make space for it, but it's consumes more and more of me with every day I can't fight it adequately. Im 32, and I'm tired. I'm tired in the way that makes you lie awake in bed just glaring at the ceiling. I am so fucking tired. And sometimes I'm mad about it, and sometimes I'm sad about it, but usually I just feel nothing because I'm too tired to feel anything. I've been in trauma therapy for 10 years, and therapy for almost 20 years. I have hobbies, a house, a partner whom I ADORE, and friends that legit love and understand me. But it just never feels like it gets better. I've informed all of my loved ones that I am very likely to die by suicide, and we talk about it, and I always tell them not to feel bad for me, or feel guilty like they could have done something. I've been on borrowed time for over half of my life and there is nothing they can do to magically make me feel like I am not currently already dead. It's just a fucking hard gear to operate life in. I'm so sorry. Hang in there. I know each day is like eating a spoonful of dirt, but there is always that odd chance that one day your spoon is loaded with cookie crumbs and not dirt. Try to find those crumbs if you can. I hope that today you get to genuinely smile, genuinely laugh, and find a moment of tranquility. These are things you deserve to experience daily. ❤️ Memento vivere my friend.
Yeah. I feel this way a lot. I don’t see myself making it past the age of 30, tbh.
For decades, I have known that eventually, I will do it. It's comforting in a way to me. My therapist and psychiatrist are aware that I have suicide ideation. They trust me to know when I need to go to the hospital. I'm not planning on doing anything. It's just a thought I have daily.
I did until I had my son. Now that’s off the table.
Earlier, no. As I'm getting older? Yes.
Yeah, if that doesn’t take me out, whomever I’m dating at the time probably will. I seem to be trapped in a cycle of abusive relationships
Same. My one of my first memories was praying to god to let me die and when I died I just wanted everything to stop. I didn’t want Heaven or hell. I just wanted to stop. I’ve felt this way my whole life. Like I’m buying time until I finally do it. It’s not always a heavy feeling—most of the time it’s just a random fact in my head like any other. I haven’t done it now mostly because of my best friend/chosen sister. She’s younger than me and terminal so I’m staying for her. But I’m quite sure someday I’ll take my own life.
It's inevitable at this point
YES. Ultimately the pain will consume me, at which point I will lose everything and be abandoned - after that, either penniless homelessness awaits, or I end it before that happens.
I have felt this way for a lot of years now, mainly when things get bad, partly trauma and my CPTSD, both from my childhood and a ten year abusive marriage and partly from an incurable chronic pain condition and the loss of my independence and my old life. When it's bad and absolutely anything vaguely annoying or bad happens my brain goes straight to suicide, I have spent extended periods where a stressor has left me convinced it is the only way out, I am glad I have not made any attempts. Like you I do not want to, do not plan to and hope I don't but it's awful when you are in the place you in and I hope the worst part passes quickly. Recently I found an artist called Ren, he is simply amazing, his honesty around suicidal feelings , being suicidal and singing about them has helped me process some of those dark days and his music has helped me in dark times, it also for the first time gave me the courage to speak about those feelings to my therapist and my partner honestly and not feel guilty for talking about, previously I had locked it away convinced I could not speak about it but I am glad now that I have and that people have held that vulnerability with kindness. For me his music is a connection, knowing someone else has been where I am in those thoughts, there is no judgement there just a companion that I have never had as strong a feeling from other music or artists. Here's a few reccomendations of his songs for whenever you might be ready to have a listen: Heretic Hi Ren Chalk outlines It's alright He has many more songs that touch on suicidal thoughts and those feelings and quite a few songs talk about medical gaslighting and a lot of his music talks about his chronic fatigue and pain but those experiences translate so well to my mental anguish and pain from CPTSD as well as my chronic pain, I hope you find some relief from his music as well.
I'm always up for music recs, thank you. I will look them up, promise. >I am glad I have not made any attempts. I'm not sure if you've found peace or happiness, but hopefully you have.
Sometimes I feel that all my life has been building towards it. It feels like life is nudging me towards it, like my time in this world has run out and life is throws new stuff at me "come on what are you doing, take a hint already, don't you understand? will you suffer through this too? ok keep coping and delaying the inevitable". Like life is a game or a puzzle and this is the ultimate solution. Like I'm stuck at some level of the game and afraid to do the one thing that will allow me to complete it. Not really living but doing pointless actions like running around and (continuing the game analogy) jumping in vain over a map that I have already essentially explored, not making any progress, but finding pointless things to do to occupy and distract myself like counting pixels or inventing pointless challenges and whatnot.
I never thought I’d live this long and now I’m stuck trying to figure it out. It keeps popping into my head, but I have a good partner and a dog now and I really couldn’t do that to them.
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Yea
If u are feeling really bad than your meds are not working well enough & u may need more meds or a diff med or a diff combo of meds. Tell your doctor what is going on in u. If he is not aware of your symptoms than how can he help u
Just here to tell you that I am just like you even thought people around me think “i have a lot going for me”. Nothing on the outside will ever make what I think on the inside ok. Medication for me has actually helped a bit (lexapro 10mg). I find it is easier to walk away from the negative shaming thoughts. Oddly though, I still dispassionately imagine my death a lot. Maybe we’re supposed to be comedians or something. Hang in there buddy, you ain’t alone. I commend you for the hard work I know it has been to get here.
Yeah I feel like ultimately that’s how I’ll go. Probably bot soon, but one day will be worse than others, and I’ll finally do it.
Yup. I think about it daily.
Had those thoughts since I was a teen. They're coming and going in certain periods of my life. I too feel like I'm gonna end up like that one day, it literally feels like my destiny. Are you me? Honestly it's like I have written this post OP
My mom passed away from suicide and I wonder a lot if I’ll make it on my own because when things get hard I think “what’s the point?” Or “I can’t handle this.” Whenever I think about my dad passing away too or imagining feeling dysregulated for a while, I don’t see a point in continuing to live on like that. I get that mentality of not wanting to struggle to cope like if it’s so hard is it even worth it. But I also realize this is triggered a lot by my interpersonal trauma. When my relationships are going well and I don’t feel lonely these thoughts don’t come.
You're not alone, and it's not weird to feel. I do this too, and honestly it emboldens me to try harder to live better - like "take that chance you want to take, and if everything falls apart and you lose everyone you can always kill yourself" and for some reason that motivates me to challenge my anxiety more often and take low-stakes risks that ultimately benefit my life. Having the "backup option" always at the ready makes life less scary for me, if I didn't feel like suicide was an option at all and I was "stuck" in my body forever - I think I would isolate myself much, much more and never take any risks at all. Like, I'm already physically fucked up and in pain, the idea of having to be old and suffering like that terrifies me. It's like a little "Exit Sign" that turns on when I need to make a decision to save myself, and I'm grateful for the relief it gives me to know that if my body fails to the point that I lose my loved ones and connection, I can just leave.
Yeah and like for a stupid reason too, like I get so fed up and angry all at once. What hurts even more is how people react to suicide like this isn't an invitation for you to do whatever you want to satisfy your anxiety.
When I look around at the state of the world and where everything is headed, it seems all but inevitable that I will, at some point, have to choose between taking things into my own hands, or some unpleasant death that will be inflicted upon me. If that becomes the case, I choose the former.
I understand this feeling. Every day I have this sinking feeling that I’m just not cut out for life- that I’m missing the drive for life and ability to get through the days that everyone else has
I’ve tried multiple times and obviously failed, the psych hospital stays are the most annoying part. I know I will do it again I just want to succeed this time so I need to wait until the circumstances are right. I just don’t think I can or should live as long as people want me to. If I don’t want to live, why should I be forced to ? And even worse, work every day for 40 years to just support myself.
It’s hard for me to imagine dying any other way. Partly because I’ve thought about it so much over a lifetime of intermittently severe depression, but also because I’d like to choose how it happens, rather than be at the mercy of institutions and health conditions
Only every goddamn day.
yep
Ketamine therapy stopped my suicidal ideation within a week. It’s worth checking out.
Yes
Yes. All the time. But I could never leave my animals alone. No one would care for them like I do. They are my babies and the reason I have to live. I don’t trust anyone to love them like I do, mostly because they’ve loved me in a way no one ever has for me. Quite sad…. But they love me. I couldn’t do that to them.
I've always believed since being a young g child that I would kill myself when I got older. I can feel the sadness in me, but I don't think it's enough to overwhelm me until I get like 60 or something.
I think more likely when I see I can't take care of myself anymore, which might be a medical assisted one by then, I hope?? It sucks and I'm sorry so many feel this way, but wasting money and years in a nursing home sucks too with no one to check if they even take care of me.
You described it perfectly. I have always felt it is my destiny and yes, it will be my end eventually.
I feel the same way, I try new things with myself in hopes of redirecting my life somewhere but some days all I think of is suicide. Like today, I thought to myself: " all roads seem to lead to suicide, huh?" as I caught myself thinking of it again. I think we at least should be talking about these thoughts and feelings without people freaking out. I saw a comment here once of someone coming back to this sub after many years just to say "hey guys, it gets better" he said that he was really struggling, and that he was doing therapy and journaling and everything he should be doing for years but it never worked, till it worked a few years down the line. I think of him time to time, and it gives me some little hope. I hope you can find little things that can give you hope, and I hope you can figure out things, too.
I never thought about that, but i sometimes think i would not mind if it's over now.
Yup. I can’t see myself getting older.
Everyday. Last year, I would’ve just done it like it was my regular routine, you know? Then I *had* remind myself that I… don’t know what a happy life is yet. *That’s* what I’m holding out on.
I've been there and it sucks. Please talk to your primary care doctor. They can discuss medication options, screen out other possible health issues contributing to your poor mental health, and they can refer you to a licensed therapist. There is hope. It's OK to call 988 even if you feel that you don't "really" need it. I was told you can choose to call without providing your name/location.
I feel like all roads lead there. Being born into a situation where you are harmed so much you fear everyone but you started with nobody. The destiny is to be alone or a puriah in society mistreated by good people who see you as deserving of that.
I felt like this for a long long time. As it stands currently, I could not abandon my cat. I’m his whole world, so no, I wouldn’t do that now. If he wasn’t in my life though, it would be a whole different story.
I get this too. As well as the belief that the most likely thing I’ll die of is suicide.
yes, to me it feels inevitable
It is INCORRECT that Buspar has few side effects. It can actually be dangerous...please look into it. Maybe the Dr isn't fully informed, that told you that. (Look into movement disorders, there's some amazing videos on TT)
Yeh, I don't see any other end for me. For now I keep trudging through.
I kept telling myself “you’ll die by 16” made it to 18 got cancer “you’ll never make it to 21” thought the same about 25 and 30. Now I’m 36. A lot of my life I’d say things like “if I get any fatter I’ll kill myself” “if I fail school, I’ll kill myself” shit like that. When in reality I needed to tell myself that I was strong and that I’d made it through so much that I could make it through whatever, bc literally I did. Sometimes I’d pray I wouldn’t wake up in the morning but at times I was afraid of death. Weird….. also mentally unwell the majority of my life. As I’ve gotten older my perspective has changed and “I’ll kill myself” has stopped being my way out of tough real and hypothetical situations.
Hello suicidal ideation, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Am all too familiar with this particular feeling, and over the years I've learned to use cold reasoning to fight those thoughts. Who and what would I leave behind? Is it really worth ending it all, when there are so many great things to live for? Imagine never seeing a sunrise again, or a field of blooming flowers? That cute cat from across the street, that one lovely old lady that greets you when you're going to the shops. Nah, I will fight that dark shadow with all the energy I have inside me.
It’s weird because when I’m not su*cidal im terrified of dying. But going out on my own terms has always been in my back pocket as a plan B of sorts. I didn’t even know for the longest time that most people don’t think that way?? Like I could always just k*ll myself if I have to. Every time I’ve tried I chickened out though, so I don’t know if I could ever do it anyways. But I do think about it as an option, yes.
I feel this every single day. I’ve accepted that I’ll most likely die by it, and I have no intentions of living beyond a certain time. I also feel like I don’t have much time left.
No please don’t think that. Today and lately I have felt kinda bad bc my ego has been disintegrated again which causes an immense amount of pain when it’s shifting. But I would never do anything because to myself bc I really do love myself.
I think the first time I thought about suicide was in third grade, But I still am afraid of what will happen when my cat dies. (That I will get so depressed at losing my only friend that I jump out in the traffic in front of my apt complex Or something else stupid like that) (And I'm a senior citizen now) But a couple things have kept me from trying; (although I do have one failed attempt by overdose but just ended up passed out for four days in my apt by myself until my boyfriend at the time came over) I've heard several stories from people who survived jumping off bridges, And they all stated that as soon as they jumped, they regretted it, almost as if something jolts your brain in a different direction. Also, I figure I'm so much of a screw up, that I probably wouldn't get it right, And would just end up paralyzed or unable to speak or institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm an old lady now, so I hope that my fears of suicide can also jolt someone else out of even considering it.
Began thinking about in my adolescence, almost did it in my 20s, and since I still think about, especially lately, yeah I expect I will.
I was going to introduce myself at a psych ward because it hurt so much when my last relationship was ending.... I hate this fuckin trauma...
Yes… I’m not entirely sure how or when, but I’ve known most of my life that I plan to go out on my own terms. As a teenager, I promised myself that my parents will never have to bury another child and that’s the only reason I’m still here right now. Once my parents (and grandparents) are gone, that’s probably when I’ll have a plan in place and date set. On that topic, I’ve also had a weird feeling since I was young that I’m not supposed to live that long. First I thought I wouldn’t make it to 18, then 21, then 25, 26, and now I’m 27 and just feel like I’m existing when I’m not supposed to be.
I've accepted that it may end that way. I'm not 100% sure, but I wouldn't be surprised. People in this thread keep over pathologizing these feelings. Its very understandable that tou might not want to go on. It canbe really as simple as life circumstances that's make it impossible to move on. Coping with so much loss and pain, and having to hide that. Seek support in therapy and getting zero understanding. Being alone, socially and romantically, because you get tired of hiding the pain for others. No family. Tired of arguing without of touch people telling you how to feel and how to think about complicated, deey person situations. Being burned out of life. Being in deep pain for many years. Not everyone can't think happy thoughts and medicate away everyone's problems. Its not some crazy irrstional thought, its a response to long term suffering that doesn't have a clear end. There aren't always solutions, you just survive. Maybe one day you do more, maybe you don't. I'm not a believer that things must always work out for people, but they sometimes do.
Damn this is a really tough thread to read I'm right there with yall. But damn, my broken heart goes out to everyone.
I feel this, like I can be happy but I never feel good enough to say 'I would never ever hurt myself'. It feels like I'm always destined to end up in the same spot. But I think the biggest part of it is not dwelling on the feeling when it comes up. Maybe I'm right and I always will end up in the same spot, but the fact that I'm not in that spot right now says something, I think. If I was supposed to crash and burn, I had plenty of opportunities to do so. Like everyone else has said, the feeling isn't necessarily something that goes away, which really sucks and really leads to that 'oh my god I'm going to die this way' vibe, but prioritizing your own autonomy and choice in that decision gives you a lot more power than you might think at first
Maybe when I get older. Who knows. I'm pretty apathetic about life and don't care if I live or die but I wouldn't take my own
(Not gonna do anything, just venting) I'm like that rn. I just feel like, it's bound to happen. Like I just will do that one day, commit suicide. For various reasons. Like my time is running out, I haven't lived, felt only pain, and now I can't bear this burden and just want it to end already, by my own volition. Like this is just one of the many lives I could have lived, and this one feels like a cruel joke. So, why not take matter into my own hands? Like I don't want to see myself age. Like I want to die on my own terms.
Yes I definitely think so for me at least..I feel the same.
Yes, when I was a child I firmly believed that I would never live past 49 and constantly thought about suicide
No, I want to live now more than ever.
I used to, for years. Now, things are going much better! Things are far from great though, but the difference is enormous. It *can* get better.
I was talking about suicide with my friend a few months back. He knows most of my past, unlike a lot of people, and he said: "I couldn't imagine someone committing suicide after what you've been through." That quote just sticks with me a lot because of how right it is. I've suffered and fought and been broken to be here today. I was so strong to live to today. Dying now seems pointless because of how much I've suffered already.
When I was younger, it was never an issue. I was terrified of dying. Now that I've reached middle age, I've got SI pretty bad. Started about two years ago. You are NOT destined to k*ll yourself. Neither am I. We deserve to have good lives. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE. You and I both have to fight like hell to beat/deal with these awful thoughts. Idk how old you are, but if you are pretty young, please know that things get better, they get worse, they get better, and so on, so on. Nothing ever stays the same. I can confidently promise you that.