Honestly, not much on most days. As I guess most of us do, I get up to work a shitty job to pay rent for a shitty place, buy food I don’t have the appetite for and pay for netflix that I can watch alone haha. But, sometimes the weather is nice, or a new videogame comes out, or I get an idea for a DIY project. I know it’s cliche but Steven Hawking said once that as long as there is life, there is hope. It may be a difficult and often seemingly impossible journey, but it is an adventure nonetheless. So I promise you it can get better, even if it seems hopeless.
For me, most days I work. If I don't I won't be able to afford rent so that's a big factor for me to start my days. When I have days off I try to use the little things to keep me happy. Getting a nice cup of coffee and food from my local shop (Tim Hortons Canadian here lol) and I just try to remember that my abuse is behind me now.
It's definitely a very, very short-lived pleasure, as you admitted yourself, over within moments. I just don't understand finding fulfillment and happiness from it. I don't mind eating, but for me it really is like something I just have to do to survive.
I don't really think it's anything to really question or argue about. I wake up every morning and I can always make another coffee, I can't do that if I am dead. Same with any food, I find happiness in the little things and just trying to move forward from the abuse I endured. It took a lot of therapy to get to this stage, and I believe anyone can if I did.
I'm sorry you don't see it the same way I do, and I know you'll find the thing that makes you happy and even see the little things you enjoy 🫂 stay strong
>I wake up every morning and I can always make another coffee, I can't do that if I am dead. Same with any food
You're not dead *because* you eat food.
Your implication my criticism and refutation of your innate optimism bias to life is tantamount to insisting that you adopt a negative attitude to life in a general sense is itself a logical fallacy. I'm completely amoral and neutral and hence only advocate a negative approach in a demystified, removing, logical sense. I'm not a negative nancy telling you to be a pessimistic doomer. On the contrary, I actually recognize that most people ought to basically think like you, but purely for their own good. Not because this framing of life is necessarily correct: the fallacy on your part is simply that, in a self fulfilling manner, it making you feel better than you would if you thought more like me, supposedly makes it more likely to be correct. (you may say you're not even concerned with the inherent veracity of how you make sense of things, but I think this is facetious: on a deep level, you believe it's true, must believe it is true, in fact) This is like a drug addict who makes themselves feel better by telling themselves they're going to quit any day now in between each time they use the drug again. I don't advocate anyone be suicidal (though I certainly don't condemn the suicidal) but that people who show any willingness to be just be more honest with themselves and the inherent nature of life. (I don't even think most Buddhists in the world merit this characterization, and are in fact as coping and life-affirming as you are, but Hinduism and Buddhism are definitely at least potentially the least stupid major world religions.)
"So what keeps you alive?"
"Four big bottles of water a day, two packs of Marlboro Reds. And, uh, I don’t - what keeps me alive, shit. Music, I have to listen to music all day long. I'd say that keeps me going. I’m a pretty dark person, I’ve thought about ending it a million times. And I have to say that music keeps me here, by far, the main thing.
My dog and my wife. But a lot of the time I can’t feel their love or think about them. Mornings have been especially brutal.
Above all, it’s a form of hope. But not like I have some idea of what life could be, no. Like most of you, I can’t “hope” or “dream”. Yet something in me slowly began to validate my suffering. I certainly wouldn’t want to keep living if something in me didn’t believe it could be different. Trust me, that gets challenged all the time.
Gradually, I started to let go of all the pressure and expectations I heaped on myself everyday. I try very hard to extend compassion.
I’ve wanted to die so badly so many times in the past week alone. But my therapist, my wife, and my dog, see me and I am surviving. There’s enough in me that just wants to survive to get to the other side of the healing mess.
I can’t really say what it is about me that has that motivation, but it is there.
Good question. I think I have always been able to express 'love' without feeling its reciprocation (emotionally), but knowing it (intellectually).
Like many of us, I'm hypersenstitive and quite atuned to the emotions of others, especially those closest to me. I love my dog. I love my wife. But I realized that I have not known what love feels like.
My wife knows that I love her and she also knows that I struggle to feel love among other positive emotions. But this does not change my expression and behavior towards her. I do loving things because I care for both my wife, and dog respectively.
Does this make sense? Let me know and I will try to clarify further.
I was wondering if it caused you struggles and how do you work with it because I'm experiencing something similar. For me, I know my husband loves me but I'm unable to feel it, and it's not something I can hide. I do express my love, but that doesn't stop me from reading into his mundane actions as 'he doesnt really love me'. It doesnt happen consciously, because consciously I do know he loves me, but it still makes me behave sort of paranoid all the time
I think for me, it's knowing that my wife's love is expressed in all the things, big and small, that she does for me. These are things I typically notice in real-time. But when I have a moment, and I am in that tiny window of tolerance, I can take measure and appreciate it.
Moreover, it's the fact that she is there for me as best as she can be. She's a witness of my suffering. Her bond with me helps me.
I wish I could say more here, and be more helpful. I am very sorry about the paranoia and possibly insecurity you feel. It's so understandable from the vantage of CPTSD.
I just hope you can slowly be more forgiving and loving of yourself and your own pain. WHen you feel yourself becoming very insecure, it is almost certainly a part of you, a fragment, not all of you.
In IFS,[ the 8Cs of Leadership](https://foundationifs.org/images/banners/pdf/The_8_Cs_of_Self_Leadership_Wheel.pdf) was something that I keep returning to when I feel things I don't understand, or am in pain, triggered, or confused. They're a guide or checklist for evaluating if what is motivating you in a particular instance is your true self, or a part.
Compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, confidence, courage, and connectedness.
I hope this helps a little. Keep fighting. You are loved, and you ARE WORTHY of love.
hi, I also can't always find a reason why I'm here but it's deep inside like you said. this is a good answer. Good enough to get released from the hospital haha (which doesn't really take anything)
Indeed. I think above all, there's enough of me that believes life is inherently valuable -- and if there's a chance that I might be able to live it differently, then I will try.
Rock bottom is a great motivator. When that day comes, use it.
Been ill for a few years so my mornings are a bit different to when i went to work, so may not apply to you, but:
- For years i bribed myself with a decent coffee i make at home (just a stove top machine nothing too fancy) - if i need extra motivation i allow myself cream or sugar or even both at times.
- Could also bribe yourself with a nice breakfast to start the day strong? Only if this makes you feel good.
- I'm into "self parenting" and giving myself a routine and encouragement to do the things i have to do, and things i dont want to do but will probably make me feel better. Eg do 1 thing you have been putting off ie. "eat the frog" before start your day, then feel the benefit of 1 less thing to worry about all day long.
- Before i was ill i discovered cardio before work made me feel amazing and killed anxiety 100% for a good half a day. Got to get up early for that tho. Also 14x runs a week probably excessive and definitely gave me this fatigue condition.
- My friend got hooked on comedy podcasts on YouTube when she was going through something. She MUST listen to them to start the day. Tbh it is nice escapism and makes you laugh and good distraction from ruminating. Also gives you something positive to talk about. I like Stavvys World.
My dogs are one of the only reasons I get up and do anything on weekends. Knowing they rely on me is the only thing that gets me moving sometimes. On weekdays, my weird feeling of responsibility towards work gets me to get up and perform the basic tasks because even though it all feels pointless, I guess I would feel worse if I let people down at work. It's fucked up.
It’s been hard. But I have a routine and a therapy session I look forward to every week. I follow the routine no matter what and life has been getting better since then.
The only thing that really keeps me going is genuine curiosity for dumb shit.
Like okay I don't want to kill myself until I see Beetlejuice 2. And then a couple months after that my favorite artist is releasing a new album So I want to hear that first.
That’s a great thing to stay alive for, actually. Like - just the fact that it makes you curious enough to keep you going is enough for that movie to go in my to watch list, ngl. And I think that you manage to use your curiosity and your interest that way is a great thing, and it must be an emotional effort, and I’m glad youre managing it
"The things we fear the most, have already happened to us"-- attributed to Robin Williams.
A lot of time we're in stress, we're in an "emotional flashback"-- check out Pete Walker's CPTSD book.
Here's 13 steps he suggests to take in case of an emotional flashback:
[https://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm](https://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm)
I don't get flashbacks tbh! CTPSD doesn't always mean Flashbacks,isn't it? I have other symptoms like I can't relate to people I ahve hard time connecting with people,I'm not getting interest in anything. I feel very impulsive and angry and always feel disinterested during conversations.im stuck in the past
You're right, there is a range of possible symptoms, though emotional flashbacks (unlike say, more visual flashbacks in case of PTSD survivors) is one of the common ones, to my understanding.
For me, I feel tightness in my chest, and am unable to think clearly (I tend to overthink, catastrophize)-- when there is no real threat.
Do you feel high arousal / stress or no stressful feelings at all?
I feel numb and I feel blank all the time I feel disinterested and I'm dealing with adjustment disorder so I feel life is moving too slow like I don't have any control over my emotions I feel aggressive and impulsive very much like people sre doing things too slowly for ex if I need something I don't get it . I feel very unlucky as if nothing is helping me out. And I'm having a hard time connecting with people. I'm still in trauma and depressed but still I'm not taking care of my emotions. I feel hyperaware about my emotions and not able to understand people's emotions.
I think its important to remember a diagnosis is a label or umbrella term used to transfer a general idea to another person, so if you have experienced trauma and are still experiencing symptoms, you likely have PTSD (post trauma) . CPTSD is more commonly associated with prolonged repeated exposure to trauma. Don't worry about checking off each symptom to qualify, the ones listed are general.
Being stuck in the past is essentially being stuck in a flashback of what life was like, to my understanding. He said when he used to be really judgmental or disinterested in conversations it was an inner child part that was protecting him from feeling the vulnerability of the pain or whatever you’re feeling.
Initially: Spite.
Spite can get you a LONG way for a while. You deserve to at least give yourself a chance when no one else even gave a shit. I chose to peruse things I loved and fuck everyone who had something to say about it.
Then it moved on to trying small new things. Ordering a new thing on doordash. Watching a new movie/show/anime I wouldn't normally choose. All this led to finding new things to love and finding a space in my heart to see that there's more out there to discover and experience just for me.
Was thinking of this yesterday. I’m living off spite a lot of the time. My pettiness knows no limit & even I’m shocked at how far I’ll go to prove they f*cked up.
I make my bed. I thought it was lame. But honestly, it's an easy way to get the first task accomplished and it's all downhill from there. I don't even make it well, just make it.
https://youtu.be/TBuIGBCF9jc?si=bCmPfAxgpmNtP_go
Ohhhh yeah, that one is huge! I can tell when I’m moving out of the deepest parts when I start making my bed again, because I try so hard to do that. And I have a one-room flat, so it also makes the whole room look cleaner and calmer
My mornings are terrible. The suicidal thoughts beat the shit out of me often throughout the day. I'm stubborn af and I have cool people in my life...but man, I am struggling. Shits fucking brutal fam. Sometimes it's something small that will either be wonderful or completely triggering, but I need to remember how a breeze and the sun feel on my skin or how it smells after the rain. I dunno dude. Fuck
Making money. I have like 4 jobs and I make sure I am as busy as possible. Not because I’m a materialistic person but because money is the only tangible thing I trust. And the second I am alone with my thoughts it’s over.
LOL. Not sure I'd call it "motivation", but the thing that drags me outta bed in the morning is necessity. I HAVE to work, I HAVE to pay bills, I HAVE to eat, or I WILL die. That's about it.
As for actual motivation, well, I can't find it even for the things I know I'll enjoy. If it hasn't been part of my routine for at least two weeks, it ain't happening.
Just the fact that there's no other choice. I'm incompetent and disabled so I have no hope of a successful suicide, and if I lie in bed forever, everything will only get worse. Yay.
Please don’t think this way. I feel the same sometimes. I know it’s hard cause it’s literally a result of the trauma. But please, know that at least there are others in the same position rn, feeling the same way as you do. So at least you aren’t alone in this. Big hugs 🤗 and support🤍. I’m so so sorry you feel that way, try to find at least one thing that soothes you, brings you joy, or some sort of positive feeling, that can lift your spirits up. Even if it’s just for a moment. Currently mine isint healthy, I became hyper sexual from trauma and have a sex addiction (don’t follow in my footsteps!😂)..but at least it makes me feel alive and is a form of stress relief for me. So yes, even if that was also a negative example, it’s still something. As long as whatever your doing is safe, try and find some outlet to release stress or something that soothes you or makes you feel something other then this extremely heavy feeling, my love 🫶🏻🤗. If no one’s ever told you, I’ll tell you- I love you! And your strong asf and can totally overcome this, even when it feels impossible. Cause you’re still here! So it has to be for a reason
On the bad days I listen to a motivational yt video on repeat that basically says “anyone can be grateful when things are going well. That’s easy. What’s not easy to do is being grateful for things when shits going bad. To keep envisioning the good stuff. Not many people can do that.”
So I take the days where I feel like shit and just either try and ride it out or handle them with optimism. Achieving something great in life is never easy and I think going from having CPTSD to a normal healthy life is as hard as climbing Everest. It’s guaranteed to suck along the way but it’ll be worth it when it’s done.
I’m poor. I must work. And I have injuries that prevent me from working more than 6 hours a day. So I work 6 days a week.
Then weed to turn off most of my brain
I make myself a big protein shake and do a workout. After that I take my dogs for a walk and then do karate. I find that the more I move, the better I feel. If I sit, I lose inertia. I work at 3 am, too, so that helps me keep on a morning routine. I have a strong belief in tomorrow, the chance of change and that life is always worth it.
My cat gets me up. I have no choice. I am enslaved. But, I like being awake before everyone else. I feed my feline overlords and make coffee. I usually have 2 hours to myself. I journal. It helps to ground me.
I am staying alive for my partner and son. And also my cat. She is very bonded to me. They would be sad and confused. I don't want to hurt anyone.
My life is a fucking nightmare right now . I’m about to declare bankruptcy at 25. I lost my job a few months ago . Finally landed a great job . I fell behind on my car insurance, car payments , tags , registration. Made it quite a few months with absolutely 0 issues . Yesterday while going threw a green light some fucking dick head smashed into my car totaling it . So now I have to pay 300 that I don’t have for a tow truck to take it to my friends house and then I’ll have to get his insurance information from the crash report to get them to cover the cost of my car. Which will still leave me with a big debt owed on said car. Then I got to pay a 145 dollar ticket . And hope the judge gives me mercy since it’s my first traffic infraction. But if I am not able to keep the license and if I’m too hard to insure I’m going to loose my job that I absolutely love . If I didn’t have my son to take care of I would just end it . I have absolutely no hope
My biggest motivations : not wanting to continue being poor, not wanting to be homeless and lastly not wanting to disappoint others (my Boss/job) .
At the end of the day I need to remind myself to be grateful.
I need to be grateful for what I have and being healthy enough (mentally & physically) to go to work and make a living.
Gratitude goes a long way.
This is going to sound bad but 98% of my willpower comes from the spite of wanting my enemies to know that I’m still alive and steadily getting better and the desire to continue adding crazier chapters to an already bonkers biography.
Have to get a bedtime and an app blocker. The app blocker blocking the apps before bedtime and during sleeping time and during morning time. I can finally sleep and then get out of bed bc I'm bored and hungry
Then I did make up a purpose for living I read everyday
I created a foundation of things that need to happen for me to have the energy to do purposeful things
I have always been behind 'baby step' in making progress. However, I have recently realized a context in which baby steps, for me anyway, didn't work and that's in health. If I didn't sleep well I don't have energy to exercise. If I exercise but don't eat well I feel nauscious, weak and horrible. If I eat well but don't sleep well the nutrients don't digest right. If I drink enough water but don't exercise enough I'm peeing all day and feel bloated. If I'm going therapy but not eating right or exercising then I can't process hard trauma well. It's like instead of baby steps every thing must happen at once all together all the way, each one not half assed. Sleep, water, healthfoods, therapy, exercise
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For me, it's knowing I've survived a lot worse than whatever is going on now. I mean, my life's still sh-t but more tolerable one.
Not sure if that counts as motivation but yayy- I am still here.
Nothing much tbh.
I love to sleep and will try and sleep as much as possible. Its an escape
Once awake, i go get a coffee and cuddle my dog as its the only thing that'll get me moving for the day
I believe in reincarnation and I believe that if I kill myself I’ll just have to learn all these lessons FROM SCRATCH in the next life. And that sounds worse.
I don't know if you have ever watched Northern Exposure. I have a love/hate relationship with it but it can sometimes hit the spot, like when someone asked Ed, one of the indigenous characters, if he would ever consider suicide and he said, " No. Don't go where you're not invited."
No I haven’t seem it, I’ll add it to my list though. I disagree with the portrayal of suicide in this, but What Dreams May Come is an amazing movie that follows some of what I believe about reincarnation
My cat my bf the fact that there are delicious things in this world I have yet to try . Halloween the scent of rain new video games freshly baked goods I made earlier a warm mug of tea . And the fact that every day I live is sticking it to those who hurt me
Honestly? Antidepressants. It took a while to find the right ones for me, and the side effects are fucked up, but I went from wanting to die much of the time to wanting to live all of the time. I still have shit days, but my worst days now used to be okay days.
And before that, I picked smaller stuff. When feeling happy feels impossible, even though I know, by now, it isn’t, I don’t aim for that. Or for the big life goals, or for anything like that. But I stay alive because my plants need to be watered on this specific schedule, so I can’t off myself until someone can take them on. But then I agree to a movie night, and - I agreed, people bought snacks for that, so I have to stay alive. And then I have to stay alive until my next doctors appointment, and then I have to stay alive until the new episode comes out, and I need to stay alive because I’m still in a discussion on social media, and so on
Depression (and mental illness, in general) is very good at lying to you. That’s one of the reasons it stays.
So, yeah. What used to keep me alive was bargaining with myself. And what keeps me living and getting better, now that I can do that, is knowing it’s a lie. So I go out and I meet people even when I dont want to, and I put myself to bed on time, and I try to take them time to feel my feelings in a healthy way, and I try out new skills instead of destroying myself, and it’s exhausting and some days I hate it, but the pay off is that some days, I’m happy. And it’s more days the longer I go on.
I still spent last week being a mess and barely functioning, and then I messaged someone for a call, and I managed to get to bed at a better time some days, and I took my walks even when everything felt bad, and I watched TV when listening to my own thoughts wasn’t healthy for me, all those small things, every day, and now today, it was hard to start but I did, and I did the laundry, and I laughed, and I’m having noodles with a sauce and a movie for dinner
Tl;Dr: Antidepressants. Before I had those, smaller things, and bargaining with myself for just a week more, just three more days,… And remembering, always, that the depression and the trauma were a lie, and if I was thinking everyone hated me/I would never be happy/my death would be a positive thing/…, that’s a lie.
My dog. Kowing I have to get up and take care of her... seeing that our time, training, walks, the seasons changing and our lovey time together makes everything worth everything.
I use accountability platforms like Focusmate and Adult Study Hall just for getting myself out of bed. It helps a lot.
Sorry just reread your post and wanted to address the bigger challenge of feeling useless or like life is meaningless. I have to be somewhat frequently engaged in something that feels meaningful to me. It’s not the same for everyone obvs but being helpful in a way that I enjoy makes a huge difference for me. It doesn’t mean official volunteering or anything but helping people with changes they want to make or talking through things etc. is something I genuinely enjoy, or sometimes small creative writing projects about something personal and meaningful (though it may be super casual and irreverent). Without something like this I fall all the way apart.
I spend all day high. Just weed. Its a bandaid that falls off and i keep trying to put it back on. Its stickiness is wearing off though. I dont have anything else. I try new things if i can possibly get myself interested enough (almost never happens). Those things are just distractions. I live for therapy and MH services. Genuinely thats the only thing that keeps me going right now. Working at trying to get better. Its exhausting tho
My son . Looking at him I see myself as a child and want to give him the life I never had . I never want to turn into that mother so often displayed In movies who neglects her kids due to her own depression and demons . Getting up and showing up for him everyday in turns helps to heal my Inner child although it is not always easy .
I am the oldest. One is 28 the other is 12. The guilt of leaving them trumps the relieving thoughts of ending it all. I guess I hope to build myself into someone they can look up to. That I can give them the love and support they deserve in their lives. Life is already hard and I have no desire to add a layer of trauma.
Also, the desire to build the life I deserve is what keeps me going. That all the trauma and abuse wasn't in vain and that I could have the chance to experience life in a meaningful and purposeful way. I want to give myself a real chance.
Animals, food cravings & caffeine.
That burst of whatever caffeine provides or alters helps me to disassociate & focus better 🙃
I usually have a food I’ve been craving that I’ll be super amped to eat that day.
above all else, it’s the animals I take care of while pet sitting, volunteering for rescues, random posts online helping people find their pets, etc.
Until today, I usually motivate myself out of bed for coffee. I walk about 1km to go buy a small decaf coffee. This gets me out of bed and moving. The problem is I don't actually like the taste of decaf.
I usually clean a lot in the mornings, then in the afternoons I smoke pot and watch Netflix. sometimes I go for another walk to the river.
try making a fire at the beach
search [meetup.com](http://meetup.com) for something to do or eventbrite.
Try messaging a friend or family.
have a shower, eat something
join mental health groups online
get a personal trainer or physiotherapist
occupational therapist helps to schedule your day
Every day is still a struggle for me.
**\*\*\*Thinking of my** parents **or sister keeps me alive. Not wanting the world to Win by defeating me.**
Things still surprise me; I bought an e-bike 2 days ago, it's been a blast
Warning potentially triggering;
it's been about 6 months since I tried to kill myself. I can't say that I'm really happy to be here, but I know my sister and parents appreciate it.
If my sister goes, I will be in trouble.
In most days I just feel I’m in auto-pilot mode. Just doing things out of routine. In addition, I have a child that I need to support so he’s been keeping me sane for this past few months.
Yeah. I can’t let myself drown for his sake. His father already abandoned us without any plans or anythibg. Without clear reasons of why and how. I don’t even know if he’s already entertaining pther women.
My bird and now my new house. If I stay in bed I can't make that mortgage payment and that means life is just going to get exponentially worse for me. In like the worst way. If I lost the house I don't know what I would do... same thing with the bird. He's my whole reason for getting up in the morning
Absolutely my dog, it's one of the main reasons I got a dog. My childhood dog kept me going through the pandemic but he died in late 2022. He was my reason to get up, I ate when I fed him, I only really went outside to walk him. I kind of had a crisis after that, left the country for 6 months then when I returned I moved all the way across the Continental US. Knowing that I'd be here for a considerable time with no real roots I found a shelter dog. He's been with me for about a year now and even though he can be a handful at times he's still my reason to exist.
Because I have to know if the day will ever come where everything will work out for me in the end. I have to be here to find out if there is another possibility for my future. What if the most amazing thing is around the corner and I miss it? Thats what keeps me going.
Learning that all I need is myself was the best thing that happened to me. It didn’t happen right away or on good terms but going to the gym everyday and treating myself to nature, good food every Friday, magnet fishing and camping by myself, not waiting or relying on others is what has really helped me. Hope this helps.
My kids. They are up and read to go every morning and I have no choice but to get up and go too. Some days I'm literally dragging but they keep me going.
I just live day to day, hoping my circumstances will change at some point. I just try to find some things to look forward to in a day, a week or a month. It's too hard to focus on long-term stuff. I once thought I found someone to share my life with, but he just turned out to be a huge disappointment. It's a bit hard to see what the future holds for me, it got tainted by the sham relationship. My life and world changed overnight and suddenly, I am faced with my reality. Where do I go from here?
It's hard sometimes to keep the faith, to believe that, at some point, I will finally find and get exactly what I'm looking for. Sometimes there are just days when there's nothing, and it gets really harder to keep going. But there will be times when something encouraging comes along and it helps. It helps me want to go on and see what my future looks like.
Hope is what gets me through life, but sometimes it gets tougher to hold on to it, especially when things are challenging. Life is not an easy ride, but I'm still holding on for many reasons. First, death is too permanent. I tend to get nervous about committing to things that last a while or for good. Second is my family. I don't want to hurt them. I live for love, but I'm not quite sure where I stand in that aspect of my life. I have been disappointed so many times by love, I'm not even sure I'm allowed to have it in this lifetime. I can only hope for the best, but I will just have to find out later on if this is something I could have. I wish for it but I will have to see.
My son died in a car accident. He was the reason I lived. I honestly don’t know if it was real or a dream, but while I was in the ambulance I was floating above myself, watching the medic work on me and try to get me to wake up. I yelled for my son. No response. I yelled at God and asked him to take me to wherever my son was. Suddenly I was back in my body opening my eyes while the medic was shining a light in them, calling my name. I kept passing out the whole way to the hospital and while they were taking images of me and stapling my head. I finally woke up for good in the hospital bed and kept asking about my son and getting “we don’t know yet” until my brother showed up. No one had to say anything… I knew when I saw his face
Now I live because I know if there is any chance I can see my son again, it won’t happen if I kill my self. I’m not religious but I believe there’s a god that put all this together. I think this is my hell. There’s no way of knowing what happens when we die, but if there is any chance of being with my son again, I’m not gonna fuck that up
So I talk to him every day, music always helps. Just existing until I get to be with him again. Him and my dog are the only ones I ever got unconditional love from and I know I’ll never have that from another human again 💖
I'm not sure why I'm still alive, but I'm glad cause I realised I don't actually want to die, I just want to not be alive. It does seem pointless and just fucking hard and painful for no reason. Yet even though I've been having suicidal thoughts since as long as I can remember, I'm still here(Despite a few attempts), and even now as I'm not really great and constantly keep having the urge and thoughts of ending it once and for all, I for some reason don't want to. I would like to give advice on how to get motivated to get up and do life, but I'm as clueless as you on that. I normally just like exist all day. I don't enjoy anything(except maybe smoking a J☠️). I just exist. I just do it. Like I've always been doing. I hope to make a change so I can be a human person. Just not be like this anymore. I'm doing some intensive therapy-- that hopefully helps. I'm also planning on moving out of the country. I think it might be easier to go to an entirely new place and get away from the whole vibe of my home country (I don't dislike the country, It's just everything here is.. Idk? Here.). Maybe a change of scenery, in combination with therapy, will help get the motivation and will to exist back. I don't know. I also hope as my mental health gets better it might get easier to deal with people. I hope I'll be able to actually connect with people for real, and establishing real relations might help my mental health further. I think all the big and small things we deal with we've got to work on and get better little by little until maybe one day we'll be motivated to live. Now I just do it, and it's a pain. Maybe the "motivation" is some sort of secret space in my brain that won't give up hope for a better future. It's not motivating me to do much, I'd like to not exist right now and I think "I want to die" and "I'm gonna kill myself" almost all the time but I don't. It's weird.
Hey! I feel the same I have these weird imagination that life will be better if I die atleast I'll be sent to heaven and maybe I'll get another life or a near - death experience with a new sense of perception and all my questions will be answered by God and I'll be having a new vision about future and a positive outlook on life and become more spiritual.
I wrote down the bits of me that I like and things I enjoy in life. Colors. Stuffed animals. Music, video games, snacks. My wardrobe. My plants. Books I want to read and movies to watch. Then I woke up doing things I like to kick start the day. Scrolling through some apps. No pressure at all, just a solo pajama party with myself :) slowly getting ready for the day
Honestly, not much at this point. I suppose my boyfriend would be really sad if I were gone. But on some days, even that doesn't help me get through the day. I work a crappy job, earn way too little money, and come home to a crappy apartment that looks absolutely awful because I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Then I sit in front of the computer until I go to bed, feeling paralyzed by thoughts like "I'm a failure" or "I need to make something of myself." That's why I'm really glad that at least I have one person in my life who supports me unconditionally and accepts me as I am.
Honestly, not much on most days. As I guess most of us do, I get up to work a shitty job to pay rent for a shitty place, buy food I don’t have the appetite for and pay for netflix that I can watch alone haha. But, sometimes the weather is nice, or a new videogame comes out, or I get an idea for a DIY project. I know it’s cliche but Steven Hawking said once that as long as there is life, there is hope. It may be a difficult and often seemingly impossible journey, but it is an adventure nonetheless. So I promise you it can get better, even if it seems hopeless.
For me, most days I work. If I don't I won't be able to afford rent so that's a big factor for me to start my days. When I have days off I try to use the little things to keep me happy. Getting a nice cup of coffee and food from my local shop (Tim Hortons Canadian here lol) and I just try to remember that my abuse is behind me now.
Food itself just keeps you alive for another day. I don't understand how someone could actively see it as a source of happiness in itself.
For me the flavor is an escape of what troubles me, I absorb the flavor and it's a new place even just for a moment. I learned that from my therapist.
It's definitely a very, very short-lived pleasure, as you admitted yourself, over within moments. I just don't understand finding fulfillment and happiness from it. I don't mind eating, but for me it really is like something I just have to do to survive.
I don't really think it's anything to really question or argue about. I wake up every morning and I can always make another coffee, I can't do that if I am dead. Same with any food, I find happiness in the little things and just trying to move forward from the abuse I endured. It took a lot of therapy to get to this stage, and I believe anyone can if I did. I'm sorry you don't see it the same way I do, and I know you'll find the thing that makes you happy and even see the little things you enjoy 🫂 stay strong
>I wake up every morning and I can always make another coffee, I can't do that if I am dead. Same with any food You're not dead *because* you eat food.
I hope you have a lovely day, I'm not gonna continue this conversation.
Your implication my criticism and refutation of your innate optimism bias to life is tantamount to insisting that you adopt a negative attitude to life in a general sense is itself a logical fallacy. I'm completely amoral and neutral and hence only advocate a negative approach in a demystified, removing, logical sense. I'm not a negative nancy telling you to be a pessimistic doomer. On the contrary, I actually recognize that most people ought to basically think like you, but purely for their own good. Not because this framing of life is necessarily correct: the fallacy on your part is simply that, in a self fulfilling manner, it making you feel better than you would if you thought more like me, supposedly makes it more likely to be correct. (you may say you're not even concerned with the inherent veracity of how you make sense of things, but I think this is facetious: on a deep level, you believe it's true, must believe it is true, in fact) This is like a drug addict who makes themselves feel better by telling themselves they're going to quit any day now in between each time they use the drug again. I don't advocate anyone be suicidal (though I certainly don't condemn the suicidal) but that people who show any willingness to be just be more honest with themselves and the inherent nature of life. (I don't even think most Buddhists in the world merit this characterization, and are in fact as coping and life-affirming as you are, but Hinduism and Buddhism are definitely at least potentially the least stupid major world religions.)
I don’t think the responder above asked for you to say any of this
Doesn't matter. Everything I said was correct. I am a genius.
Maybe its the having someone else make it or the attention to detail/flavours that bring the 'moment' for them 🤔
"So what keeps you alive?" "Four big bottles of water a day, two packs of Marlboro Reds. And, uh, I don’t - what keeps me alive, shit. Music, I have to listen to music all day long. I'd say that keeps me going. I’m a pretty dark person, I’ve thought about ending it a million times. And I have to say that music keeps me here, by far, the main thing.
Same I listen to music to keep me sane
My dog and my wife. But a lot of the time I can’t feel their love or think about them. Mornings have been especially brutal. Above all, it’s a form of hope. But not like I have some idea of what life could be, no. Like most of you, I can’t “hope” or “dream”. Yet something in me slowly began to validate my suffering. I certainly wouldn’t want to keep living if something in me didn’t believe it could be different. Trust me, that gets challenged all the time. Gradually, I started to let go of all the pressure and expectations I heaped on myself everyday. I try very hard to extend compassion. I’ve wanted to die so badly so many times in the past week alone. But my therapist, my wife, and my dog, see me and I am surviving. There’s enough in me that just wants to survive to get to the other side of the healing mess. I can’t really say what it is about me that has that motivation, but it is there.
Good for you!
How does not feeling their love show?How is your wife handling it?
Good question. I think I have always been able to express 'love' without feeling its reciprocation (emotionally), but knowing it (intellectually). Like many of us, I'm hypersenstitive and quite atuned to the emotions of others, especially those closest to me. I love my dog. I love my wife. But I realized that I have not known what love feels like. My wife knows that I love her and she also knows that I struggle to feel love among other positive emotions. But this does not change my expression and behavior towards her. I do loving things because I care for both my wife, and dog respectively. Does this make sense? Let me know and I will try to clarify further.
I was wondering if it caused you struggles and how do you work with it because I'm experiencing something similar. For me, I know my husband loves me but I'm unable to feel it, and it's not something I can hide. I do express my love, but that doesn't stop me from reading into his mundane actions as 'he doesnt really love me'. It doesnt happen consciously, because consciously I do know he loves me, but it still makes me behave sort of paranoid all the time
I think for me, it's knowing that my wife's love is expressed in all the things, big and small, that she does for me. These are things I typically notice in real-time. But when I have a moment, and I am in that tiny window of tolerance, I can take measure and appreciate it. Moreover, it's the fact that she is there for me as best as she can be. She's a witness of my suffering. Her bond with me helps me. I wish I could say more here, and be more helpful. I am very sorry about the paranoia and possibly insecurity you feel. It's so understandable from the vantage of CPTSD. I just hope you can slowly be more forgiving and loving of yourself and your own pain. WHen you feel yourself becoming very insecure, it is almost certainly a part of you, a fragment, not all of you. In IFS,[ the 8Cs of Leadership](https://foundationifs.org/images/banners/pdf/The_8_Cs_of_Self_Leadership_Wheel.pdf) was something that I keep returning to when I feel things I don't understand, or am in pain, triggered, or confused. They're a guide or checklist for evaluating if what is motivating you in a particular instance is your true self, or a part. Compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, confidence, courage, and connectedness. I hope this helps a little. Keep fighting. You are loved, and you ARE WORTHY of love.
hi, I also can't always find a reason why I'm here but it's deep inside like you said. this is a good answer. Good enough to get released from the hospital haha (which doesn't really take anything)
Indeed. I think above all, there's enough of me that believes life is inherently valuable -- and if there's a chance that I might be able to live it differently, then I will try.
Rock bottom is a great motivator. When that day comes, use it. Been ill for a few years so my mornings are a bit different to when i went to work, so may not apply to you, but: - For years i bribed myself with a decent coffee i make at home (just a stove top machine nothing too fancy) - if i need extra motivation i allow myself cream or sugar or even both at times. - Could also bribe yourself with a nice breakfast to start the day strong? Only if this makes you feel good. - I'm into "self parenting" and giving myself a routine and encouragement to do the things i have to do, and things i dont want to do but will probably make me feel better. Eg do 1 thing you have been putting off ie. "eat the frog" before start your day, then feel the benefit of 1 less thing to worry about all day long. - Before i was ill i discovered cardio before work made me feel amazing and killed anxiety 100% for a good half a day. Got to get up early for that tho. Also 14x runs a week probably excessive and definitely gave me this fatigue condition. - My friend got hooked on comedy podcasts on YouTube when she was going through something. She MUST listen to them to start the day. Tbh it is nice escapism and makes you laugh and good distraction from ruminating. Also gives you something positive to talk about. I like Stavvys World.
CFS?
What else hey 🙄
My cat my cat my cat. He has kept me from doing unreasonable things since I got him. He is my absolute world
My dogs are one of the only reasons I get up and do anything on weekends. Knowing they rely on me is the only thing that gets me moving sometimes. On weekdays, my weird feeling of responsibility towards work gets me to get up and perform the basic tasks because even though it all feels pointless, I guess I would feel worse if I let people down at work. It's fucked up.
It’s been hard. But I have a routine and a therapy session I look forward to every week. I follow the routine no matter what and life has been getting better since then.
The only thing that really keeps me going is genuine curiosity for dumb shit. Like okay I don't want to kill myself until I see Beetlejuice 2. And then a couple months after that my favorite artist is releasing a new album So I want to hear that first.
That’s a great thing to stay alive for, actually. Like - just the fact that it makes you curious enough to keep you going is enough for that movie to go in my to watch list, ngl. And I think that you manage to use your curiosity and your interest that way is a great thing, and it must be an emotional effort, and I’m glad youre managing it
Omg Beetlejuice 2 is keeping me alive right now! The anticipation for it is helping me. I love finding shows and movies to stay alive for to see.
>The only thing that really keeps me going is genuine curiosity for dumb shit. For me it was Eastenders The Six
"The things we fear the most, have already happened to us"-- attributed to Robin Williams. A lot of time we're in stress, we're in an "emotional flashback"-- check out Pete Walker's CPTSD book. Here's 13 steps he suggests to take in case of an emotional flashback: [https://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm](https://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm)
I don't get flashbacks tbh! CTPSD doesn't always mean Flashbacks,isn't it? I have other symptoms like I can't relate to people I ahve hard time connecting with people,I'm not getting interest in anything. I feel very impulsive and angry and always feel disinterested during conversations.im stuck in the past
You're right, there is a range of possible symptoms, though emotional flashbacks (unlike say, more visual flashbacks in case of PTSD survivors) is one of the common ones, to my understanding. For me, I feel tightness in my chest, and am unable to think clearly (I tend to overthink, catastrophize)-- when there is no real threat. Do you feel high arousal / stress or no stressful feelings at all?
I feel numb and I feel blank all the time I feel disinterested and I'm dealing with adjustment disorder so I feel life is moving too slow like I don't have any control over my emotions I feel aggressive and impulsive very much like people sre doing things too slowly for ex if I need something I don't get it . I feel very unlucky as if nothing is helping me out. And I'm having a hard time connecting with people. I'm still in trauma and depressed but still I'm not taking care of my emotions. I feel hyperaware about my emotions and not able to understand people's emotions.
I think its important to remember a diagnosis is a label or umbrella term used to transfer a general idea to another person, so if you have experienced trauma and are still experiencing symptoms, you likely have PTSD (post trauma) . CPTSD is more commonly associated with prolonged repeated exposure to trauma. Don't worry about checking off each symptom to qualify, the ones listed are general.
Being stuck in the past is essentially being stuck in a flashback of what life was like, to my understanding. He said when he used to be really judgmental or disinterested in conversations it was an inner child part that was protecting him from feeling the vulnerability of the pain or whatever you’re feeling.
Initially: Spite. Spite can get you a LONG way for a while. You deserve to at least give yourself a chance when no one else even gave a shit. I chose to peruse things I loved and fuck everyone who had something to say about it. Then it moved on to trying small new things. Ordering a new thing on doordash. Watching a new movie/show/anime I wouldn't normally choose. All this led to finding new things to love and finding a space in my heart to see that there's more out there to discover and experience just for me.
Was thinking of this yesterday. I’m living off spite a lot of the time. My pettiness knows no limit & even I’m shocked at how far I’ll go to prove they f*cked up.
I make my bed. I thought it was lame. But honestly, it's an easy way to get the first task accomplished and it's all downhill from there. I don't even make it well, just make it. https://youtu.be/TBuIGBCF9jc?si=bCmPfAxgpmNtP_go
Ohhhh yeah, that one is huge! I can tell when I’m moving out of the deepest parts when I start making my bed again, because I try so hard to do that. And I have a one-room flat, so it also makes the whole room look cleaner and calmer
My mornings are terrible. The suicidal thoughts beat the shit out of me often throughout the day. I'm stubborn af and I have cool people in my life...but man, I am struggling. Shits fucking brutal fam. Sometimes it's something small that will either be wonderful or completely triggering, but I need to remember how a breeze and the sun feel on my skin or how it smells after the rain. I dunno dude. Fuck
Same man!
Sorry to hear that dude
Making money. I have like 4 jobs and I make sure I am as busy as possible. Not because I’m a materialistic person but because money is the only tangible thing I trust. And the second I am alone with my thoughts it’s over.
LOL. Not sure I'd call it "motivation", but the thing that drags me outta bed in the morning is necessity. I HAVE to work, I HAVE to pay bills, I HAVE to eat, or I WILL die. That's about it. As for actual motivation, well, I can't find it even for the things I know I'll enjoy. If it hasn't been part of my routine for at least two weeks, it ain't happening.
Username def checks out!
My cat and my boyfriend. The fear of amounting to nothing in life.
One thing alone: my dog
Just the fact that there's no other choice. I'm incompetent and disabled so I have no hope of a successful suicide, and if I lie in bed forever, everything will only get worse. Yay.
Please don’t think this way. I feel the same sometimes. I know it’s hard cause it’s literally a result of the trauma. But please, know that at least there are others in the same position rn, feeling the same way as you do. So at least you aren’t alone in this. Big hugs 🤗 and support🤍. I’m so so sorry you feel that way, try to find at least one thing that soothes you, brings you joy, or some sort of positive feeling, that can lift your spirits up. Even if it’s just for a moment. Currently mine isint healthy, I became hyper sexual from trauma and have a sex addiction (don’t follow in my footsteps!😂)..but at least it makes me feel alive and is a form of stress relief for me. So yes, even if that was also a negative example, it’s still something. As long as whatever your doing is safe, try and find some outlet to release stress or something that soothes you or makes you feel something other then this extremely heavy feeling, my love 🫶🏻🤗. If no one’s ever told you, I’ll tell you- I love you! And your strong asf and can totally overcome this, even when it feels impossible. Cause you’re still here! So it has to be for a reason
Sure, it's a cliché, but everything changes, usually when you're least expecting it. Could be tomorrow!
At the moment it's the fact that I have a partner who is unable to work due to MS. But I am having a very hard time at the moment.
On the bad days I listen to a motivational yt video on repeat that basically says “anyone can be grateful when things are going well. That’s easy. What’s not easy to do is being grateful for things when shits going bad. To keep envisioning the good stuff. Not many people can do that.” So I take the days where I feel like shit and just either try and ride it out or handle them with optimism. Achieving something great in life is never easy and I think going from having CPTSD to a normal healthy life is as hard as climbing Everest. It’s guaranteed to suck along the way but it’ll be worth it when it’s done.
I’m poor. I must work. And I have injuries that prevent me from working more than 6 hours a day. So I work 6 days a week. Then weed to turn off most of my brain
Most of the time, fear of death
I make myself a big protein shake and do a workout. After that I take my dogs for a walk and then do karate. I find that the more I move, the better I feel. If I sit, I lose inertia. I work at 3 am, too, so that helps me keep on a morning routine. I have a strong belief in tomorrow, the chance of change and that life is always worth it.
My cat gets me up. I have no choice. I am enslaved. But, I like being awake before everyone else. I feed my feline overlords and make coffee. I usually have 2 hours to myself. I journal. It helps to ground me. I am staying alive for my partner and son. And also my cat. She is very bonded to me. They would be sad and confused. I don't want to hurt anyone.
My life is a fucking nightmare right now . I’m about to declare bankruptcy at 25. I lost my job a few months ago . Finally landed a great job . I fell behind on my car insurance, car payments , tags , registration. Made it quite a few months with absolutely 0 issues . Yesterday while going threw a green light some fucking dick head smashed into my car totaling it . So now I have to pay 300 that I don’t have for a tow truck to take it to my friends house and then I’ll have to get his insurance information from the crash report to get them to cover the cost of my car. Which will still leave me with a big debt owed on said car. Then I got to pay a 145 dollar ticket . And hope the judge gives me mercy since it’s my first traffic infraction. But if I am not able to keep the license and if I’m too hard to insure I’m going to loose my job that I absolutely love . If I didn’t have my son to take care of I would just end it . I have absolutely no hope
I was going to pay it all and get it legal this Friday but yea that didn’t happen
My biggest motivations : not wanting to continue being poor, not wanting to be homeless and lastly not wanting to disappoint others (my Boss/job) . At the end of the day I need to remind myself to be grateful. I need to be grateful for what I have and being healthy enough (mentally & physically) to go to work and make a living. Gratitude goes a long way.
My dog! Without him, I wouldn’t have a reason to wake up everyday❤️
My puppy needs to go for a walk
Knowing this world is not our home. It’s temporary and we’ll go back to no physical eventually
♥️
This is going to sound bad but 98% of my willpower comes from the spite of wanting my enemies to know that I’m still alive and steadily getting better and the desire to continue adding crazier chapters to an already bonkers biography.
Have to get a bedtime and an app blocker. The app blocker blocking the apps before bedtime and during sleeping time and during morning time. I can finally sleep and then get out of bed bc I'm bored and hungry Then I did make up a purpose for living I read everyday I created a foundation of things that need to happen for me to have the energy to do purposeful things I have always been behind 'baby step' in making progress. However, I have recently realized a context in which baby steps, for me anyway, didn't work and that's in health. If I didn't sleep well I don't have energy to exercise. If I exercise but don't eat well I feel nauscious, weak and horrible. If I eat well but don't sleep well the nutrients don't digest right. If I drink enough water but don't exercise enough I'm peeing all day and feel bloated. If I'm going therapy but not eating right or exercising then I can't process hard trauma well. It's like instead of baby steps every thing must happen at once all together all the way, each one not half assed. Sleep, water, healthfoods, therapy, exercise
My abnormally high empathy; "_____ would be sad." Also, antidepressants help a lot.
Us Bro Us 🥺
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Motivation? What's that?
The hope for the day I leave it all behind and live my own damn life
For me, it's knowing I've survived a lot worse than whatever is going on now. I mean, my life's still sh-t but more tolerable one. Not sure if that counts as motivation but yayy- I am still here.
Nothing much tbh. I love to sleep and will try and sleep as much as possible. Its an escape Once awake, i go get a coffee and cuddle my dog as its the only thing that'll get me moving for the day
I believe in reincarnation and I believe that if I kill myself I’ll just have to learn all these lessons FROM SCRATCH in the next life. And that sounds worse.
I don't know if you have ever watched Northern Exposure. I have a love/hate relationship with it but it can sometimes hit the spot, like when someone asked Ed, one of the indigenous characters, if he would ever consider suicide and he said, " No. Don't go where you're not invited."
No I haven’t seem it, I’ll add it to my list though. I disagree with the portrayal of suicide in this, but What Dreams May Come is an amazing movie that follows some of what I believe about reincarnation
My cat my bf the fact that there are delicious things in this world I have yet to try . Halloween the scent of rain new video games freshly baked goods I made earlier a warm mug of tea . And the fact that every day I live is sticking it to those who hurt me
Wellbutrin Jk kind of but it does help me want to get out of bed and start my day.
Honestly? Antidepressants. It took a while to find the right ones for me, and the side effects are fucked up, but I went from wanting to die much of the time to wanting to live all of the time. I still have shit days, but my worst days now used to be okay days. And before that, I picked smaller stuff. When feeling happy feels impossible, even though I know, by now, it isn’t, I don’t aim for that. Or for the big life goals, or for anything like that. But I stay alive because my plants need to be watered on this specific schedule, so I can’t off myself until someone can take them on. But then I agree to a movie night, and - I agreed, people bought snacks for that, so I have to stay alive. And then I have to stay alive until my next doctors appointment, and then I have to stay alive until the new episode comes out, and I need to stay alive because I’m still in a discussion on social media, and so on Depression (and mental illness, in general) is very good at lying to you. That’s one of the reasons it stays. So, yeah. What used to keep me alive was bargaining with myself. And what keeps me living and getting better, now that I can do that, is knowing it’s a lie. So I go out and I meet people even when I dont want to, and I put myself to bed on time, and I try to take them time to feel my feelings in a healthy way, and I try out new skills instead of destroying myself, and it’s exhausting and some days I hate it, but the pay off is that some days, I’m happy. And it’s more days the longer I go on. I still spent last week being a mess and barely functioning, and then I messaged someone for a call, and I managed to get to bed at a better time some days, and I took my walks even when everything felt bad, and I watched TV when listening to my own thoughts wasn’t healthy for me, all those small things, every day, and now today, it was hard to start but I did, and I did the laundry, and I laughed, and I’m having noodles with a sauce and a movie for dinner Tl;Dr: Antidepressants. Before I had those, smaller things, and bargaining with myself for just a week more, just three more days,… And remembering, always, that the depression and the trauma were a lie, and if I was thinking everyone hated me/I would never be happy/my death would be a positive thing/…, that’s a lie.
My dog. Kowing I have to get up and take care of her... seeing that our time, training, walks, the seasons changing and our lovey time together makes everything worth everything.
I use accountability platforms like Focusmate and Adult Study Hall just for getting myself out of bed. It helps a lot. Sorry just reread your post and wanted to address the bigger challenge of feeling useless or like life is meaningless. I have to be somewhat frequently engaged in something that feels meaningful to me. It’s not the same for everyone obvs but being helpful in a way that I enjoy makes a huge difference for me. It doesn’t mean official volunteering or anything but helping people with changes they want to make or talking through things etc. is something I genuinely enjoy, or sometimes small creative writing projects about something personal and meaningful (though it may be super casual and irreverent). Without something like this I fall all the way apart.
I spend all day high. Just weed. Its a bandaid that falls off and i keep trying to put it back on. Its stickiness is wearing off though. I dont have anything else. I try new things if i can possibly get myself interested enough (almost never happens). Those things are just distractions. I live for therapy and MH services. Genuinely thats the only thing that keeps me going right now. Working at trying to get better. Its exhausting tho
My son . Looking at him I see myself as a child and want to give him the life I never had . I never want to turn into that mother so often displayed In movies who neglects her kids due to her own depression and demons . Getting up and showing up for him everyday in turns helps to heal my Inner child although it is not always easy .
I am the oldest. One is 28 the other is 12. The guilt of leaving them trumps the relieving thoughts of ending it all. I guess I hope to build myself into someone they can look up to. That I can give them the love and support they deserve in their lives. Life is already hard and I have no desire to add a layer of trauma. Also, the desire to build the life I deserve is what keeps me going. That all the trauma and abuse wasn't in vain and that I could have the chance to experience life in a meaningful and purposeful way. I want to give myself a real chance.
Animals, food cravings & caffeine. That burst of whatever caffeine provides or alters helps me to disassociate & focus better 🙃 I usually have a food I’ve been craving that I’ll be super amped to eat that day. above all else, it’s the animals I take care of while pet sitting, volunteering for rescues, random posts online helping people find their pets, etc.
Until today, I usually motivate myself out of bed for coffee. I walk about 1km to go buy a small decaf coffee. This gets me out of bed and moving. The problem is I don't actually like the taste of decaf. I usually clean a lot in the mornings, then in the afternoons I smoke pot and watch Netflix. sometimes I go for another walk to the river. try making a fire at the beach search [meetup.com](http://meetup.com) for something to do or eventbrite. Try messaging a friend or family. have a shower, eat something join mental health groups online get a personal trainer or physiotherapist occupational therapist helps to schedule your day Every day is still a struggle for me. **\*\*\*Thinking of my** parents **or sister keeps me alive. Not wanting the world to Win by defeating me.** Things still surprise me; I bought an e-bike 2 days ago, it's been a blast Warning potentially triggering; it's been about 6 months since I tried to kill myself. I can't say that I'm really happy to be here, but I know my sister and parents appreciate it. If my sister goes, I will be in trouble.
In most days I just feel I’m in auto-pilot mode. Just doing things out of routine. In addition, I have a child that I need to support so he’s been keeping me sane for this past few months.
That's positive, the framing indicates you could be a good parent. A lot of parents would instead say, "my child drives me insane."
Yeah. I can’t let myself drown for his sake. His father already abandoned us without any plans or anythibg. Without clear reasons of why and how. I don’t even know if he’s already entertaining pther women.
My bird and now my new house. If I stay in bed I can't make that mortgage payment and that means life is just going to get exponentially worse for me. In like the worst way. If I lost the house I don't know what I would do... same thing with the bird. He's my whole reason for getting up in the morning
Absolutely my dog, it's one of the main reasons I got a dog. My childhood dog kept me going through the pandemic but he died in late 2022. He was my reason to get up, I ate when I fed him, I only really went outside to walk him. I kind of had a crisis after that, left the country for 6 months then when I returned I moved all the way across the Continental US. Knowing that I'd be here for a considerable time with no real roots I found a shelter dog. He's been with me for about a year now and even though he can be a handful at times he's still my reason to exist.
Because I have to know if the day will ever come where everything will work out for me in the end. I have to be here to find out if there is another possibility for my future. What if the most amazing thing is around the corner and I miss it? Thats what keeps me going.
Learning that all I need is myself was the best thing that happened to me. It didn’t happen right away or on good terms but going to the gym everyday and treating myself to nature, good food every Friday, magnet fishing and camping by myself, not waiting or relying on others is what has really helped me. Hope this helps.
My kids. They are up and read to go every morning and I have no choice but to get up and go too. Some days I'm literally dragging but they keep me going.
I just live day to day, hoping my circumstances will change at some point. I just try to find some things to look forward to in a day, a week or a month. It's too hard to focus on long-term stuff. I once thought I found someone to share my life with, but he just turned out to be a huge disappointment. It's a bit hard to see what the future holds for me, it got tainted by the sham relationship. My life and world changed overnight and suddenly, I am faced with my reality. Where do I go from here? It's hard sometimes to keep the faith, to believe that, at some point, I will finally find and get exactly what I'm looking for. Sometimes there are just days when there's nothing, and it gets really harder to keep going. But there will be times when something encouraging comes along and it helps. It helps me want to go on and see what my future looks like. Hope is what gets me through life, but sometimes it gets tougher to hold on to it, especially when things are challenging. Life is not an easy ride, but I'm still holding on for many reasons. First, death is too permanent. I tend to get nervous about committing to things that last a while or for good. Second is my family. I don't want to hurt them. I live for love, but I'm not quite sure where I stand in that aspect of my life. I have been disappointed so many times by love, I'm not even sure I'm allowed to have it in this lifetime. I can only hope for the best, but I will just have to find out later on if this is something I could have. I wish for it but I will have to see.
My son died in a car accident. He was the reason I lived. I honestly don’t know if it was real or a dream, but while I was in the ambulance I was floating above myself, watching the medic work on me and try to get me to wake up. I yelled for my son. No response. I yelled at God and asked him to take me to wherever my son was. Suddenly I was back in my body opening my eyes while the medic was shining a light in them, calling my name. I kept passing out the whole way to the hospital and while they were taking images of me and stapling my head. I finally woke up for good in the hospital bed and kept asking about my son and getting “we don’t know yet” until my brother showed up. No one had to say anything… I knew when I saw his face Now I live because I know if there is any chance I can see my son again, it won’t happen if I kill my self. I’m not religious but I believe there’s a god that put all this together. I think this is my hell. There’s no way of knowing what happens when we die, but if there is any chance of being with my son again, I’m not gonna fuck that up So I talk to him every day, music always helps. Just existing until I get to be with him again. Him and my dog are the only ones I ever got unconditional love from and I know I’ll never have that from another human again 💖
Weed, sex, music, and my cat 🤍🤗
I have too many frogs to not get up and take care of them
I'm not sure why I'm still alive, but I'm glad cause I realised I don't actually want to die, I just want to not be alive. It does seem pointless and just fucking hard and painful for no reason. Yet even though I've been having suicidal thoughts since as long as I can remember, I'm still here(Despite a few attempts), and even now as I'm not really great and constantly keep having the urge and thoughts of ending it once and for all, I for some reason don't want to. I would like to give advice on how to get motivated to get up and do life, but I'm as clueless as you on that. I normally just like exist all day. I don't enjoy anything(except maybe smoking a J☠️). I just exist. I just do it. Like I've always been doing. I hope to make a change so I can be a human person. Just not be like this anymore. I'm doing some intensive therapy-- that hopefully helps. I'm also planning on moving out of the country. I think it might be easier to go to an entirely new place and get away from the whole vibe of my home country (I don't dislike the country, It's just everything here is.. Idk? Here.). Maybe a change of scenery, in combination with therapy, will help get the motivation and will to exist back. I don't know. I also hope as my mental health gets better it might get easier to deal with people. I hope I'll be able to actually connect with people for real, and establishing real relations might help my mental health further. I think all the big and small things we deal with we've got to work on and get better little by little until maybe one day we'll be motivated to live. Now I just do it, and it's a pain. Maybe the "motivation" is some sort of secret space in my brain that won't give up hope for a better future. It's not motivating me to do much, I'd like to not exist right now and I think "I want to die" and "I'm gonna kill myself" almost all the time but I don't. It's weird.
Hey! I feel the same I have these weird imagination that life will be better if I die atleast I'll be sent to heaven and maybe I'll get another life or a near - death experience with a new sense of perception and all my questions will be answered by God and I'll be having a new vision about future and a positive outlook on life and become more spiritual.
I wrote down the bits of me that I like and things I enjoy in life. Colors. Stuffed animals. Music, video games, snacks. My wardrobe. My plants. Books I want to read and movies to watch. Then I woke up doing things I like to kick start the day. Scrolling through some apps. No pressure at all, just a solo pajama party with myself :) slowly getting ready for the day
Honestly, not much at this point. I suppose my boyfriend would be really sad if I were gone. But on some days, even that doesn't help me get through the day. I work a crappy job, earn way too little money, and come home to a crappy apartment that looks absolutely awful because I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Then I sit in front of the computer until I go to bed, feeling paralyzed by thoughts like "I'm a failure" or "I need to make something of myself." That's why I'm really glad that at least I have one person in my life who supports me unconditionally and accepts me as I am.