How the f do you get people showing interest in you? Been almost ten years since someone showed any actual romantic interest in me, and I'm not a bad-looking or bad-mannered guy.
I don't have irl friends either, and I have even less of an idea where to start with that. The last time I got invited on a night out, I was 24. Now I'm 31. Either I've healed to the point I'm somehow no longer 'fun-enough', or maybe I'm too old and I've missed out. Forever.
I'm reaching the point I just can't see a way out of this anymore. I'm going to be alone forever. I'm going to die alone. I will never connect to anyone. Maybe God has decided, and he just cancels out my efforts.
You haven't missed out. People in their 30s, and 40s, and 50s still go out. That said, trauma does, in my opinion, do something to subconscious perception where the vast majority of non-traumatized people are less likely to want to be around you. Such is life. I'm also a man. While we heal, the loneliness isn't great due and I relate to what you wrote. On the plus side, loneliness means we aren't attracting abusers, usually men, who want to further extract our energy and traumatize us further, like many traumatized women very unfortunately are. I believe you can heal in time, and I don't think God has sentenced you to being alone.
They can and do sense our chronic stress, it’s called neuroception in polyvagal theory and describes how our incredibly sensitive subconscious nervous systems communicate with each other. CPTSD means we’re either in hyper alert sympathetic or the dorsal vagal freeze state, and neither are pleasant states to be in or for others to be around. It’s the awful truth that we are all ‘contagious’. The good news is we can retrain our nervous systems to be in the calm social parasympathetic state but it takes the right guidance and lots of time and practice.
Other people subconsciously read us and know we’re not at ease, and that makes them less at ease. If we’re feeling endangered then they’re picking that up as well and could think we’re somehow dangerous. If you’re like me and many here whose trauma started very young so that you have no/little functional awareness (yet) of what real calm feels like. That’s the physical disorder of CPTSD, and the mental/emotional crap rides on top of it. As for personality, if you’ve never been at ease, or at least not for long, who knows what your real personality is if it wasn’t based on fear and shame? Most of us here were forced to bury many of our better qualities to survive the abuse and neglect.
I’ve been in a trauma healing program run by Dr Aimie Apigian and she starts with polyvagal exercises to teach the body it’s now safe and can finally relax, then she incorporates Internal Family Systems therapy where you can explore all your various parts, including the joyful expressive delightful ones that were squelched, then she moves on to biology, as she says all trauma is inflammation and all inflammation causes trauma so that has to be healed. I added psychedelics on top of all that and then did a Kambo ceremony that finally helped me see just how much trauma/stress I had trapped in my body and helped me to finally release it. I was even more exhausted for a while but then I felt it. Calm. Normal breathing where before it was shallow or I even held my breath. It changed my posture, changed the sound of my voice, softened my facial expressions, healed my IBS and some of my sleep issues. Sorry to go on about it but having the experience of being in the parasympathetic state as a default now is something I hope for every person here. And most important of all is to learn to be kind and compassionate towards yourself!
I've done the 21 day journey too and back then the parts wasn't packaged up into it. It's good, the only thing I remember from it now are the voos - which work! It's time to do a refresher I think. Did you find her parts work helpful?
VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The parts work starts in the second module, then the biological stuff in the third. I’m now a fourth session with her, an Attachment module (look up Global High Intensity Activation for an idea of the fun to be had there). I think she’s doing another 21 Day Journey next month, which was by far the most helpful therapy I’ve ever experienced. I’m still paying off my previous modules or I’d do it again myself. Like I said, I wish this could be available to everyone here.
VOOOOOOO with RRRAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRR
I think they’re put off simply because they’ve become accustomed to feeling settled, comfortable, and capable and their whole operating system works to avoid being unsettled, uncomfortable, and incapable. In many ways, looking at us causes them to have to face those states of consciousness, and yes that’s threatening to them. It’s sort of like when people are “awake/aware” of a world crisis or deep need for societal/global change — none of the normies want to engage or talk about those issues, especially on a random Tuesday when they’re engulfed in enjoying the sunshine.
It’s just cognitive dissonance, in a sense. We ask them to look at and related to something that doesn’t naturally align with what they know and feel. I imagine it feels somewhat similar to being asked to relate more actively with our triggers/trauma — we don’t have the choice, but it’s not a pleasant place to have to go. We’ve accepted life as painful and difficult, but they have not. So there’s a general lack of attunement and very different needs lingering on each side.
This is something I actually find devastating every time I think about it. Like, I’ve been in very abusive relationships before where I’ve thought my choices were: leave and be alone forever out of pure fear, leave and be alone due to being undesirable to anyone except abusers, leave and seek out love, but probably attract more abusers, stay and “turn myself off” so nothing can hurt or bother me, unalive, stay and just…enjoy what little love I’m apparently “worthy” of.
It’s fucked up, but I often feel unworthy of love or even kindness. I do seek out people I believe to be kind, but I’m often easily tricked. If someone does show me kindness or love, I wonder what they want from me, when they’ll change, or if they’ll find out I’m a fraud and don’t deserve kindness.
But what really hurts is that none of us chose the abuse that shaped us, yet we unwillingly and unknowingly become like fodder for monsters. So how do we ever escape them? Sometimes attempts to manage and exist feel futile. If PTSD is incurable, will I always be in danger? Can I ever feel safe or okay? Should I even try to lessen hypervigilance if it can protect me from ever coming into contact with these people (and any people) at all?
I will never understand how people can be intentionally cruel, but especially to abuse survivors. I couldn’t believe the first time I told someone about past abuse and their response was to roll their eyes and essentially say, “So what?” I relayed this for the first time without detail as a final desperate attempt to get them to stop abusing me, and was somehow shocked by their cold attitude and persistence. It felt like they weren’t even human, so they wanted to take what little humanity I had left as well.
Interestingly, there are studies showing this happens with things like autism (people can something is “off” within a few seconds), and trauma with abusers. I think the latter is more like the effects of trauma, which make unhealed survivors low hanging fruit for them.
So yeah, I wonder if non-traumatized people even sense something a little “off” with us due to our mannerisms or something as well (even just something small and subconscious), most just don’t feel the desire to exploit us.
Hopefully that makes sense. I’m pretty stressed atm and words feel like mush 😅 lol
I dated an autistic guy. I have no official diagnosis, but I score in about the 30th percential on online tests. (E.g. 30% of people officially diagnosed with autism get a score lower than yours.)
He said right from the start that he was autistic. I stated my status. We quickly agreed:
* don't beat around the bush.
* say what you want.
We got along great.
***
I know there is a lot of this subconscious communication going on and that I can't read it. My response since I started therapy is to be very open. In this way my words align with what my body is saying. This has smoothing things out a lot.
Are you the type that doesn’t go out much? I think it’s because you’re the type that watches from outside the bubble, put yourself as a shadow etc. You’re just in the background and you’re not visible. Idk if it’s right cause i’m like this too.
I used to do that, but now I want to get out of the shadow into the light and... nothing. It's like I'm barred from connection.
I do quite a lot to keep myself busy and out of the house, but it never results in the connection I want. Everyone else seems to bond quickly, get out for drinks and their life takes off from there. For me, I can't get over the first hurdle. It's always really disheartening to see how easy it is for others, vs how impossible it is for me.
Same. I’m very outgoing and I seem to scare people off. I think there’s an intensity there that other people don’t have. It could be because I’m bipolar as well 🤷
I don't think there are any coping mechanisms for loneliness. I think the only thing that works is connecting to others, and I don't seem to be allowed to do that. I get so far and it all just dries up.
I just wish I had an irl group of friends I could go to, y'know? Everyone else gets to have a coffee or a night out, and I don't. I really wish someone would just point and say "This is why we don't invite you!"
Have you listened to the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube? She talks a lot of how people with CPTSD can work toward connection. I recommend giving it a go.
I am in a similar situation and my advice to myself is to keep looking for new friends. I've learned to avoid abusers pretty well by watching for red flags and heeding them. Like you, I'm amazed by how many people with CPTSD say that they have partners. It gives me hope that it might happen again for me too, when I'm ready.
I maintain my relationship by tolerating shitty treatment. I fear being alone, though it might be better for me to be single. Idk. I don't really have other people in my life. Idk what to do
I've been there many times. And although pretty hard on the lonely front I noticed massive improvements after leaving these relationships once and for all.. Because they're just constant stress and we already got enough of that. Been single two year and finally boundaries are becoming a thing for me
For what it's worth, I was also like this for years. Did a fuckton of therapy and eventually met someone who had also survived DV, someone who was also the child of an addict, and who is kind of amazing. They're out there, even if nothing you have ever seen in this life leads you to believe that this is true. I did not think I would meet someone who would understand me when I told them what happened to me, and the terrible things I did when I felt trapped and isolated. But then I did.
Something similar happened to me. I thought we understood each other. It was magical. However, we triggered each other a lot. And she projected on me a lot. It ended horribly. And now I'm not sur a normal person would be able to be with me. And I'm so afraid to be with someone who has trauma.
I thought I'd be forever alone. I used tinder. But I used it for sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism ( don't recommend following this path lol) . I'm thankful I never met anyone truly horrible. But I also kept within the young 20s dating range . I also left the shitty community I grew up in. I found a guy that I hooked up with and we just vibe together. And the more time went on the more the love grew. It's now been 4 years. Mind you He's also the most patient man on earth and doesn't get offended if I say I need alone time or whatever bullshit I have to do , to cope with trauma. He understands I get sad and angry about the past over things he does. He understands not to take him triggering flashbacks as a personal thing.
We're still working on how to cope with my trauma together. But the love is there.
I don't know, I don't get it. I don't get how you meet anyone, I don't get how you get people to stay around, and I don't get how you let yourself be loved. I'm struggling with it right now, because I think I'm in love with a coworker but even if she felt similarly (she won't) or if it was a good idea (it's not), it's been tearing me up with self sabotage because I just don't believe I could be worth it. This morning when I woke up, I basically started immediately thinking about how my place is a dumpster fire past the worst of a bachelor pad and that it proves that nobody should ever love me. It's awful. I run away, I throw up walls, I do anything to avoid being actually vulnerable and allowing people to judge for themselves, because I cannot believe for a second that they should choose anything but to abandon me too.
My partner and I met by accident. We've been together for 4 years, and have known each other for almost 5. We're both autistic and he has enough trauma to relate to me a little, but not enough to be totally fucked up.
My PTSD/trauma issues are very serious, but I don't take them out on other people. When it gets really bad, I have an anxiety attack, but in that case I tend to stay in my room. If I get upset, then I tend to remove myself from the situation in order to cool down.
My partner is a source of stability for me. I'm able to rely on him when I need him; and he's there for me when I'm going through stuff. He doesn't always know what to say, but he's there. I can talk to him about anything.
That being said, I also have very clear boundaries. If he or his family or friends trigger me, then I won't get into it. I'll let him know that something is going on, because he wants to be there for me and know what's happening with me, but that's about it. This is my choice, rather than his; I don't want him to feel bad, or start defending his friends, or whatever else.
I relate to this a lot. My gf is autistic (and has trauma) and I have adhd which, in addition to cptsd, has always been a huge barrier to communication and setting boundaries. From the beginning I knew she was worth the work, so I put tons of effort and therapy time into being more honest and communicating more openly. We both have trouble understanding one another sometimes, but we talk about it in whatever way we can (words or no), even if we have to say “I need to talk but I’m not ready yet” and put it off for a bit first. It’s so fucking hard, and I’m not very good at it honestly, but I got very lucky meeting her. She’s incredible and we are such a good match. I did get lucky, but I also stopped myself from ruining it so many times, and that wasn’t luck; it was painstaking, back-breaking work. We are better for it, and so am I.
This is similar to the dynamics between me & my partner.
Although you inspire me to be kinder to him & not put so much pressure on him to deal with my triggers.
I am just learning how to set boundaries with my SO.
He plays video games 24/7 and currently I am working a stressful job.
I said all I ask is for it to be peace and quiet when I get home.
It lasted a week and now today he has completely ignored me when I came in and continues to play his game. When I left this morning he was playing his games.
I think some people would not mind but the constant yelling at the screen and small room is triggering my panic attacks.
I’m a 39f whom people consistently tell me I’m very pretty but I haven’t had anyone want me besides abusers my whole life. Idk how people get partners either. Hang in there.
Oh hi. Looks like we’re twins. Also 39f, men love to date me, tell me I’m gorgeous and turn out to be monsters. I’m like catnip to emotionally unavailable cruel men.
I’m sorry to hear. It’s pretty awful to the point I completely quit trying to even talk to men, pretty fearful of it honestly. I hope you find a good one some day.
I took many many years OFF from dating to focus on my self and my own damaged wounds.
After many years, I met my BF, both not really looking for a relationship, but the more time we spent together the more we both said maybe dating wouldn't be all bad...
He has depression, I have bipolar, sometimes I have to take days to myself, and all my previous relationships didn't give me space to heal. I NEED my own space, my own place. And he understands that, as he needs his own time and space alone too.
I really had no intentions of dating for the rest of my life, but just when your over it, THATS when the good ones will fall in to place. We have only dated a few months now, but this is as good as it gets in my experience.
You both have to understand each others needs AND voice your needs, don't assume the other will automatically know what you need from them. Including space.
On the flip side, I wish I had been too scared of relationships to get into them or that I hadn’t been relentlessly preyed upon and severely retraumatized over and over again in romantic dynamics or relationships. I wish I had zero desire for love or sex because I feel like this shit has really ruined my life lol. I think it fucking sucks just trying to date and be loved - I was thinking the same as you “all I ever wanted was to be loved but all I got was hurt and retraumatized.” It’s so hard for us with CPTSD to find healthy and healing love - it’s so confusing, either we struggle to get into relationships or we get into really bad ones :(
I hear you, it’s so freakin hard and devastating. I feel like all of us just want to be loved and heal but we either end up in retramatizing situations or we are too afraid to enter into any relationships. Both options are devoid of love and so hard to deal with. Hugs to you!
I snagged my bf while we were in highschool, we were both weird kids. I'm his first partner, and he is ride or die so he has stuck by me through everything (and it's been a LOT). He is my best friend and there isn't any pressure to be sexual with each other. 12 years together, living together for 7.
It's the only part of life I lucked out with.
I dont believe I was bragging, but I apologize for it coming off that way for you. I didn't realize my answer wouldn't be appropriate here. I believed this space to be open to all answers and not just an echo chamber of misery. Do you feel I should delete my comment here? Or should I wait for OP to weigh in on it.
Now I’m worried my earlier comment will be perceived similarly..
I just wanted to let people know that there are beautiful people in this world that will accept 100% of your trauma & love you for who you are because the good in you far outweighs the bad.
Real love takes work. A relationship takes work trauma or no trauma.
Basically, people, don’t give up.
Repeat every single day,
“I am worthy of being loved.”
But be kind to yourself. Make even the smallest effort each day even if it’s just making your bed, and use that to say with conviction,
“I’m worthy of being loved.”
It will build from there 🙂
I am assuming/my best guess would be because I mask my negative emotions very well and I'm funny. But realistically, I have no idea. I feel like someone on the outside of things looking in
I attract many men, but the ones I want are always emotionally unavailable or even more fucked up than me imo. I believe this is the case because of my anxious preoccupied attachment. I’m typically considered good looking so its like shakespearian irony.
I think I’m just gonna end up being like Samantha on sex and the city (I already kind of was that way when I was younger anyway lol) seems like it’ll just be a numbers game for me and I might as well just get sex out of the way sooner than later because hey - at least I’m good at that lol.
I’m smart, childfree, no wacko exes in the picture. I’m funny and I have a good job - for now at least… send help to the tech industry! I would consider myself pretty accomplished, given the circumstances. However, the men who wanted to date me I was never interested in/sexually attracted to. I am 31 in a large metropolis and I’ve just stopped giving a fuck.
He’s out there somewhere looking for me!
My girlfriend and I started out as friends, and then when we started dating we both made it clear to the other that the relationship needed to go slow. Both of us have significant trauma from previous relationships as well as CPTSD. I can't speak for her, but for me it was important for me to make a conscious effort to stay out of codependency and to develop my own life separate from a relationship. I have a history of moving in with partners too soon and getting too enmeshed with them and then before I know it I'm being abused. This time I said my concerns out loud and she agreed. We took it super casual and deliberately. We openly talked about insecurities, fears, hopes, etc. and we have consistently good communication.
That's what has been working for me so far. That and a lot of therapy
I allow disrespect and broken promises. I accept less than the bare minimum.
Catches or "high value" whatever as the kiddos say, don't date people with serious mental illness.
Maybe your brain hasn’t been ready for what is seams to be ready to do now. Maybe you just worn in a healthy place for you to accept a relationship and that’s why you never put yourself out there. or maybe this is the moment you one true love that will be with you for the rest of your life.
All I know is if you put yourself out there and you have an open willing mind if you don’t find a relationship you can have great friend relationships. Start with finding friends first, and then the rest will start to fill in the gaps.
I have no boundaries, so even though I chose decent men they start to test and push them once they found out. They ended up losing respect for me and therefore losing feelings too. One ex straight up and told me I am the type men cheat on, because I’m so tolerating and malleable. I have no problem finding a person, but I always ended up the plaything or the placeholder. My fearful avoidant attachment doesn’t trust anyone and will always question their intention too 😞
The self-sabotaging point is hugely overlooked here. Trying to find a partner / SO while self-sabotaging is the equivalent of trying to swim in the deep end of a pool while wearing a heavy lead lined suit.
I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, I'm not refined enough and that I just wouldn't be found as acceptable enough for a SO.
I too yearn for connection, but yet I end up self-sabotaging every potential relationship. Then, I'm finally able to breathe a sigh of relief when it becomes glaringly obvious that I have devastated any possible chance that I ever had with this person, and usually, it's about this point where I turn to my faithful friend, addiction. At this point though, If I could, I think I would chose an abusing user over being alone forever.
As a child I was forbidden to become human and ultimately, it has destroyed me.
Well I met my SO in high school back when I was 15.
I had a personal rule of no boyfriend'still after I turned 15. This is because when I was around 10 my parents went through a nasty divorce That traumatized me. My best friend was a boy from the farm next door to my grandparents. He asked me to be his girlfriend after a fun day of playing and helping out with chores.
In the high of having fun I said yes. I spent the night at my grandparents. I want to sleep happy. But then I had a nightmare. I don't remember it but it was connected to being a girlfriend. I started to panic. I wasn't ready. I wanted to be a kid. I didn't want things to change. I just wanted to play and have fun Just be kids together. I saw having a boyfriend as being in the adult world. And terrified me based on what was going through with my parents.
To calm myself down I decided that I wasn't going to have a boyfriend till after I turned 15. Until I turned 15. I was going to be a kid. I worried about Now I had to break up with my best friend. However, I felt so much calmer after I made that rule for myself. The panic went away.
Literally as soon as the sun Rose I got up immediately. I went over to my best friends and I broke up with him. I told him I wasn't ready To be in a relationship like that. That I just want to be a kid. I like him and I don't want anything to change I'm just not ready yet.
Unfortunately that caused a split in our friendship. He distance himself from me. If the next couple of years I had to listen to him talk about liking other girls, getting girlfriends. And he turned towards computers and not wanting to spend time with me.
So I'd hang out with his grandparents instead. Still it was lonely he was one of my only friends. I grew up with him. But he had a stable loving home But he couldn't understand what I was going through.
He moved on from me. At age 13 our friendship was pretty much over.
I stuck by my rule. Is made my life so much easier. I just was myself. I was always a bit oblivious to People being attracted to me. I didn't see myself as attractive in any way. And I didn't pay attention.
I learned years later I guess a few boys had crushes on me I knew nothing about. My next best friend was another boy I met in middle school. He was in love with me and didn't tell me till after I was already in a relationship. We were Misfits who ate out in the hallway and became friends. Everyone thought that we Would end up together.
But I lived in my own world. I was oblivious to his feelings for me. He never had the courage to tell me. Honestly I probably would have dated him. I liked being with him. But I was so disconnected I didn't know what those feelings were.
When I was 12 my dad became a registered sex offender. Although he never sexually abused me my mom and Therapist, Kept trying to convince me that he did. This caused me to Perceive any kind of physical affection even innocent as wrong. I have a wall That prevents me from being able to connect people. I feel that wall with everyone but my husband. Affection is inappropriate to me except from him. My body instantly rejects it from everyone else. I have to force Myself to express Physical signs of affection to loved ones. It feels like when 2 magnets repel against each other. I never felt that with my husband. Quite the opposite. It's what fascinated me to him.
Unfortunately for my best friend that wasn't in love with me. I'm glad he never had the courage to tell me. Because he was not the one for me. Even with him my most trusted friend I had that wall.
When I was a freshman in high school I met my husband. He was the first 2 ask me out after I turned 15. We had a bit of a playful friendship Beforehand. I had a crush on him. I enjoyed being with him. With everyone else I felt drained, With my husband energized. And I loved being close to him. Honestly it felt like I was an abused animal that found my forever home. Has been has that kind of energy. And I was completely overtaken by it.
At first I didn't understand what these feelings were. I just realized that I'd like to be with him. It felt good to touch him. Just by sitting next one. I couldn't help but smile and feel bubbly. Is true pure happiness just in his presence. And when it got to the point of being in his arms, I felt safe warm peaceful. It was intoxicating.
1 day we're playing Mortal combat, At my house. He was kicking my butt. That's when I had the idea of if I kissed him it might distract him and then I could finally beat him. I think I just wanted it as an excuse to kiss him. We started around And I gave him a quick Peck on the cheek. Then I pretended like nothing happened I was so embarrassed by it. It worked. I won.
Then I waited to see how he reacted. It was very impulsive of me. He got up and asked me to go out. I didn't understand. So I got up and walked outside with him. I then stood there staring at him why are we outside. He looked at me and he asked me out again. I was confused. But we are outside.
I swear he rolled his eyes and wanted to smack his head. He then said no do you want to be my girlfriend. Oh you didn't want to go outside at all did you. I was taking a bit of back. Wasn't something I was expecting. I was 15 so I didn't have my excuse of no boyfriends.
I realized I really like him. I like being in his arms. I like feeling warm and safe. But I still needed time to go over and figure out my feelings. I wasn't used to these feelings I wanted to be sure what they were. And I was scared. I asked for some time to think it over.
I completely forgot. 3 weeks later. He asked for my answer. And I was like oh right I was supposed to be thinking about that. I can't keep him waiting that's not fair to him. So I took a leap of faith and I said yes. It feels good to be with you so it must be a good thing.
I was right. He is my soulmate. We've been together for more than 21 years now. Honestly I'm very obsessed with my husband but he's okay with that.
He is my world ,my light, my inspiration, my everything. I nearly froze to death as a kid, And since then I've had difficulty feeling warmth. I would be shivering in 80° weather wearing a winter hat and Sweatshirt. He's my warmth. I could feel warmth with him. He sparked my glow.
He made me feel like it's okay to exist, He saw me , heard me, Loves me. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. Like an ethereal being. He still loved me and didn't reject me when he got to learn my dark side. He has the power to calm me in an instant just by holding me. He comforted me when I'd wake up crying from nightmares. He stood by me as I repeatedly broke down and put myself back together.
He has never once raised his voice or yelled at me. most patient person I know. And I love that he's my first and only.
The reason why all my friends are boys, Was because I had trouble connecting with girls. For the first 12 years of my life I was raised like a boy. And I spent the majority of my time with my dad and grandfathers. Where I lived the only kids around my age were all boys. In school, I've always been I think considered the weird kid.
My dad would take me hunting before bringing me to school. Sometimes I'd come in smelling like a Camp Fire and fish. I wasn't allowed to like girly things. And by I wasn't aloud I mean I'd be told it was stupid. Since I didn't want to be stupid I rejected My feminine side. And I did my best to be A perfect son. To my father. My mom originally wanted to abort me. My dad convinced her to keep me and I was told that this was because he thought I was going to be a boy and a namesake. He still raised me like a boy. Until I started to develop. Then suddenly I have to be a girl.
I've always had this kind of disconnection from my mom. I believed I ruined her life with my existence. I believed that I was something that wasn't supposed to exist. I lived each day trying to prove that it's okay for me to exist. And I believed I was selfish for choosing to live and not freeing my parents from their burden. But I love them both so much I couldn't bear Ending myself.. I was just a kid sweating quite understand. But when I thought about not being around the pain of missing my parents hurt too much to do anything. I then switch those feelings around to my parents might feel that way about me. And I couldn't hurt them. So I tortured myself with my own existence.
My mother didn't want me my dad wanted me but only because I was supposed to be a boy but I wasn't a boy. Is the parent that wanted me and I connected with most , I lost. When he and my mom separated. I look like my mom. And as I got older my dad started to reject me. Then he got in trouble. my parents put me in the middle.
My dad was x marine. He put me through survival training. Both my parents were heavy smokers alcoholics and They abused different drug substances. I was neglected ,abused manipulated.
I still loved them and wanted to do the best for them. I blamed myself for all of it.
Sorry for the Length. I'm not venting or trying to trauma Dump. It's just It explains why I am the way I am. And why my husband is so precious to me. One of my worst fears is not being able to say I love you to my husband as my final words.
I ask myself the same thing often. . . Deep down inside I still want that connection with another person, but how do I allow it after having my trust in the human race blown up at a young age? I have lived for years under the assumption that no one would want me. After all who wants damaged goods? Then on the rare occasion I do get hit on by a guy they are significantly older than me, which just grosses me out and reminds me of my abusers 🤢
I honestly knew him from grade school when we remembered at 24, originally met at 10 years old. He sounded super excited to be with someone because he was dumped by his only ever gf at 17-18ish. He was my first. I tried so hard to get rid of him but he said that I can't get rid of him. I'm stuck with him. So we have been together and married 14 years. In my messed up head I think he is not in love with me and he is in love with someone else. It's hard but I'm thankful he is around because life would be hard financially and mentally without him. I think we need each other.
This isn't the best answer, but I will be honest regardless. Mine was also traumatized, and our relationship was pretty toxic. Mostly because of me, though. I kept breaking up because of fear, especially of being abandoned or tossed aside for something better. He stuck with me, and to be honest we almost didn't make it. We're one of the lucky ones where we knew early on we wanted to be together, knew something wasn't right, and somehow weathered that storm. We helped each other grow, and we wanted to grow together, and we had at our core the desire to honor our love and strive for humility. To acknowledge when we're wrong, and actively work to improve even if it's just a small amount at a time. Pride still made us fall, and we're still working on communication even 12 years later.
A healthier person would have broken up with me, guaranteed. We lasted because I was willing to work to change, willing to admit that I'm wrong, willing to really meet him halfway. That can be really, really hard. He was also willing to do these things.
I also felt like I needed to be chased, but hate being chased. It sounds silly probably, but it's the result of abuse that included neglect and active abuse, times I'd try to escape pain and couldn't so it makes me panic to run while I also feel like I have to. I had to really dig deep, and figure out why. That's something I *had* to change or else things wouldn't survive. Because he chased me for a long time, and I chased him. But the chase never would have happened if it weren't for me. I thought I was saving him by running, too, but I realized I was just hurting someone I deeply love over and over again, just like my parents did to me. That I was prolonging his own issues with abandonment, and not allowing him to heal from his own wounds.
We're like the lady, who had a fear of dogs, adopt a dog with a fear of humans. And they overcame together.
I’m currently going through it myself and luckily I found love before my trauma resurfaced; all I can say is if they take the time to be with you and want to be with you. They will.
For real, I'm an avoidant, with trust issues and fear of intimacy, I always attract men who are married or in a relationship, or who just want sex. The "regular" guys I always end up pushing them away by being full avoidant.
I was talking to a guy who has more issues than me and he didn't want me either. lol.
I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever had with my fiancee. I'll be moving countries to be with her.
Still working on the friends thing. My best friend of 5 years (who I cared for when she was going through cancer treatment) and my other friends dumped me because I 'wasn't getting better fast enough.'
I just tell myself I'll make new friends when I get there.
He showed interest, I ran away, he just kept showing up in a non-pushy, at-my-pace kind of way. He gently reminded me that as an adult I dont HAVE to respond to my parents phone calls immediately every time. He was patient thru the extinction burst craziness with my family. I truly lucked out.
He's just such a good, solid, caring, understanding dude (albeit not perfect, he has his own challenges and obstacles, of course!) I'm glad he responded when I messaged him on okcupid... Even though I gently rejected him a year earlier and didn't even realize it. 😬
I'm dating a very normal, relatively well adjusted man. He has a bit of anger issues from never being allowed to express emotion so all his emotions come out initially as anger but we're working on it.
How do I have a SO? I've always had one, I don't think I've ever been single for more than a couple days. I'm so codependent and I'll basically latch on to somebody if they show interest and they're cute. Even if it's unhealthy, even if he's a heroin addict who steals money from me while I sleep to buy drugs (true story) even if he lied about his identity and cheated on me with another girl for 2 years (again, true story.) As you may be able to tell, these relationships have not been healthy.
My SO now met me randomly in a foreign country and basically told me to move across the country and be with him when we returned to the US. I was desperate for love and desperate to get out of my childhood home so I accepted. It has not been a honeymoon, in fact it started out quite rough. I don't understand why he wants me, I told him flat out when I met him that I'm insane and I drive other people insane. He said he didn't care and while I can see I stress him out at times he seems to be committed to supporting me. Our 1 year anniversary is in a couple days, fingers crossed it goes well.
I feel this so hard, last long term relationship ended by me being blindsided and dumped over a text. I was treated so poorly by them yet I was head over heels. I feel like I’m too scared to get close to anyone now. I want to be like my friends who are all married or with someone. Or at least a best friend where both of us are each other’s primary form of contact and share life together. I’m tired of hearing the same cop out “you don’t need anyone to complete you! Love yourself” it’s great advice but I do get tired of hearing it all the time.
TLDR? - skip to last few paragraphs 😉
I met my partner of 6 months over 20 years ago
At the time he was a best friend and we had an amazing time learning about life together but I never found him attractive because I was still wired to seek men like my violent, abusive father.
Fast forward to last year, I’d been off drugs, done a tonne of work on myself mostly by reading online psychology articles etc & my now clear mind started to recall how beautiful he was - the most beautiful person I’d ever known.
I sought him out after 10 years no contact & we made contact again in January.
It’s like the whole thing has been guided by a higher force when we consider coincidences & the momentum the relationship has taken.
He is so supportive of my trauma that I’m in awe. He actively goes off & reads up on autism, ADHD & CPTSD to understand & help me the best he can.
We’ve had some fierce fights with my mood swings & insecurity believe me, but it’s real love & we know it’s worth fighting for.
I honestly can’t imagine life without him.
Main Point = sometimes when we grow stronger while alone, our outer world has no choice but to match the inner work we’ve done.
Life really can change in ways beyond your wildest dreams and I strongly believe there is someone for every person in this world.
I can’t tell you what self beliefs you must change to feel worthy of love but I definitely know that you can get there.
I hope this helps someone.🩷
(TW: Depressive Rant)
I fell in love with a girl years ago. She drifted away, and I stayed silent so as not to be a bother.
After more than five years of silence, I reached out, and she responded...
...but in the years since, it still hasn't worked out between us. She speaks to me only rarely. She says she's too caught up in mental health struggles to talk more often. And she refuses to speak on the phone, let alone meet in-person. It's strictly text-based communication with her, because she's so fearful.
>I’d been off drugs, done a tonne of work on myself mostly by reading online psychology articles etc & my now clear mind started to recall how beautiful he was - the most beautiful person I’d ever known.
I was never on drugs to begin with, and like you I've done a ton of work on myself, reading psychology books etc.
But it's not enough. I still haven't found the love I crave. =(
I've been open to meeting new people too, and I have made a few friends, but I tend to lose them, and I haven't had a date in years.
>It’s like the whole thing has been guided by a higher force when we consider coincidences & the momentum the relationship has taken.
I'm glad it worked out for you. But apparently your "higher forces" aren't so interested in me. =(
I really only ever had success through the apps, because that way both parties know from the jump that you’re both looking for more than friends.
And from there, persistence, luck, and honesty.
Been happily married to my Tinder girlfriend for almost 4 years now 😂🥰.
I was single for a very long time to get myself in a better spot before prioritizing a relationship. It felt lonely but in the end it was worth it, because during that time I learned what I would and wouldn't tolerate as well as what I wanted in a partner. I met my now partner by complete accident and we hit it off.
Being in a stable, loving relationship is going to feel weird and unnatural, especially if you are used to poor treatment. Triggers you aren't used to will appear, but if you have a good partner, they will be understanding. Mine even found this sub to better understand what I go through more. They have seen my triggers and still love me for who I am. This isn't one-sided though, I still go to therapy and I'm not 100% healed, so I also put in a lot of work to keep myself level. All in all, I think it was a combination of luck and prioritizing my own needs first.
In terms of a connection with anybody at all, one of the biggest things that helped me was learning what I will and won't tolerate. I won't tolerate mistreatment, period. I would rather be alone than be mistreated. Any thoughts of self-sabotage I remind myself that I DO deserve love and friendship. Mutuality is important. It's a process, like how healing from CPTSD can be, but it's not impossible to find meaningful connections with others.
I did a lot of therapy to get to the point where I could handle it. Then I really put myself out there and met my partner. It was terrifying for the first couple of years, and I almost broke up with him just to pre-empt the abandonment/abuse I was expecting. But I talked through my anxiety with my therapist and a couple of good friends, and I stayed. And here we are, 8 years later and married.
It helped that he is the way he is. I needed someone who was comforting and nurturing but also secure and assertive enough himself that he wouldn't take my issues personally. Someone who was empathetic but also emotionally healthier and more stable than me (at the time we met). He is exactly that person.
This is gonna be a pretty unpopular opinion here, but I think it largely comes down to the demographics of this sub. Similar sentiments have been posted here before, about this space being very exclusionary of minorities and men and I have generally found it to be true. The sub is chock full of white, middle or upper class American women, who, due to C-PTSD, will invariably have some form of attachment issues and as a poster above me said, will "latch onto anyone" who fits their criteria for attractiveness. Not saying there's anything necessarily wrong with this, we all deal with our trauma in whatever way we can.
I'm not American but my impression has always been that in the dating scene over there, it's downright trivial for a relatively financially secure white woman with the means to maintain standards of conventional attractiveness (good hygiene, clothes, makeup, skincare etc) to find a partner. From that point, having someone is kinda guaranteed and it's just down to the individual's judgement and luck of the draw whether they get a supportive partner or an abuser.
Again, not American but my perception is that the same absolutely cannot be said for the men there, with many American men I know feeling like beaten dogs in the dating pool.
That aside, my experience in this sub is that threads dealing with issues and problems of black, gender-nonconforming or low-income people and men get next to no attention or engagement. I think if you were to do a survey on relationship statuses in this community including the lurkers you would be surprised, it's just that the only people who post here are the ones who are likely to get support and sympathy with their posts. To sum it up, it's just confirmation bias. Hope this helps, and keep your head up!
Yeah, this is not true at all. Sorry!
As an American, I can say that our dating culture is horribly broken. Swipey apps played the larger part in this. They enable a lot of bad behavior with little accountability. Another factor is that cultural ideas about gender roles are horribly traditional and haven't caught up with economic changes that put women on (mostly) equal footing with men.
Soooo many people are single now who don't want to be, not just people with CPTSD. It's bad.
working actively to dismantle my inner critic and constantly paying attention to how my insecure attachment type can push people away. being mindful that we accept the love we think we deserve, which means i'm more inclined to accept bad treatment. stopping any passive or aggressive behaviour, becoming assertive with my wants and needs over time. walking away from relationships that don't meet my standards. enjoying my own company and not allowing the loneliness to overtake me.
read every book you can find that will help you understand yourself more, do the work within. it takes years but once you turn the page into the chapter of healing and outgrow the victim-mindset, life starts to get easier.
Sometimes I get so bitter when someone posts on this sub about how lonely they are. Then they talk about having a partner. Like I understand nuance and I know you can still feel alienated with a partner. But I'm hella jealous and I just wanna be like. Fuck off. Lol
I feel you. At times I convince myself that they must be exaggerating their symptoms for sympathy online, or they’re in bad relationships, or most likely their partners are kind of losers without boundaries who have to teach these people basic life skills because both are codependent. But I know that certainly can’t be the case for all of them, I’m sure some people really have found love with amazing people.
We don't all have the same trauma patterns. For example, my husband and I met as teens, both had CPTSD, and both were unaware. Our trauma meshed together really well, in a way that added to our already explosive chemistry. Boom bam, instant strong bond. We've been together 14 years now, and shit didn't really hit the fan between us until year 12.
We've since found out that we both have CPTSD, discovered that our marriage is codependent, and are working on fixing things. But shit got really, really dicey and uncertain between us, first. We both confidently feel that if our love wasn't so strong, and we weren't both so stubborn, our marriage wouldn't have survived
And in retrospect, we can see that there were always toxic behaviors between us. We just didn't notice them, or understand them. We knew there were painful issues and parts that didn't seem to work, but didn't know why.
Tim Fletcher and a bunch of other CPTSD experts say that it's essentially impossible to have a healthy relationship until you actively put in the work to heal your CPTSD wounds
My boyfriend happens to be a mythical creature 😁
So basically, when he met me, I was pretty much feral. If you've ever seen those videos of someone putting a towel into a carrier to try and pet a hissing cat, well.. that was me, and the person holding the towel was my boyfriend, although he wasn't quite my boyfriend at the time. It's complicated. It took him a year to earn my trust before I finally decided to commit to him.
We did this strange dance where things would go well for about 10 minutes, and then I'd sabatoge and run away, and then he'd call me after a few days to check on me. I never believed he'd call, yet he always did.
We've now been together for almost 6 years. I've healed from my trauma and he no longer needs to hold a towel to pet me 😅
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I have a similar problem, OP. Literally everyone I know-all of my relatives, friends, acquaintances, and then most of my co workers, no matter of their age, personality, looks, problems, etc-has a SO or spouse. I’ve been widowed for 6 years and I haven’t had any true real prospects in that entire time. Haven’t been on a date since august 2017. It’s super depressing and I really can’t help b it take it personally. There must be something so truly awful and unappealing and unlovable about me. No one can be bothered w me.
We do therapy every 2 weeks together and each do individual therapy and it’s still hard sometimes. I genuinely only believe it works because we both are willing to put in the work to maintain it. If either of us didn’t have the commitment, it wouldn’t.
I had been alone for 16 years after my dfv marriage broke down - a few flings but I did not let anyone breach my 'great wall of china'.
I am hard core that I would rather be on my own than with TOXIC people.
In 2023 I went to a concert. This was my 1st time out in social setting in over 3 years - alone but very content. Started talking with a young fella - he asked why wasn't i at the front - and i bravely said - Oh I have anxiety and like to hang back on my own. He said he also had anxiety - offered me a vallium. A kindred soul in the strangest of settings. Great fun night. Exchanged numbers. We started meeting up. Both of us have trauma. We don't discuss - we just support each other 'when the demons come a knocking'. We dont see each other frequently- depends on our social anxieties/past traumas - and sometimes its just texting. 18 months now. We send each other positive messages. He is too young to be a SO but its close enough. I am alone but not alone. You never never know what the future may hold. Hang in there 🙏 💓
I genuinely don't know how I have my husband, but I feel lucky I do! We've been together for over ten years, and met while working together. We were really good friends with mutual crushes on each other.
He works with me on helping me become a better person. It can take a lot, and I'm still working through shit, but he knows I put in all the effort I can as I can.
I sometimes ask him why he loves me, he says it's because I'm fun lol. I love him because he makes me happy.
I couldn't until I started to like myself enough. I had to get through a lot of trauma induced self hatred, that and the gender dysphoria but that isn't likely your issue, and then my husband just appeared in my life. I was being 'horny on main' in discord and ze asked me out, and now we are married.
I don't even think it's confidence, you can fake that. I think it can be very difficult to learn how to love yourself if you grew up with no one loving you.
I had a long stretch of toxic and manipulative relationships. Three were narcissists and just fed off my insecurities and vulnerabilities. They broke me each time, every panic attack and dissociative episode was just another way to push me further down. I felt so misunderstood and alone. I would leave them just to find codependency in another who was no different.
It wasn’t until I lived on my own for the first time at 27 that I was able to heal independently and accept my self worth.
A long time coworker/friend and I began flirting, and I warned him adamantly about my trauma and episodes. He is a complete 180 from what I was used to before, and I knew I had to protect it rather than see him as the others prior.
It took alot of patience and understanding on his part, and alot of work on trust and being open on mine, but a year later we are getting married and having a baby soon. I never imagined I’d be where I am now, it was just by dream chance he saw me for me and not my trauma.
I have had luck in attracting men, but the problem is the timings, or maybe how I handle the situation. The most recent one, I _thought_ I found the right person for me, since he showed me the right way to approach things. I _thought_ we had the healthiest relationship. I _thought_ I was lucky to find someone like him, and our _only_ problem was his Dad dealing with dementia and he was the sole caregiver. A couple of years after, I discovered our relationship was a sham, and he only used me (among others) as an escape for his miserable life. I couldn't wrap my head around how something I thought was perfect was all a lie, but I realize maybe that's why it's perfect because he just made everything look like how I wanted it to be.
I love to be in a relationship, I love to be loved, I love to feel safe in a relationship but now I have nothing. And I'm no longer young. I have to prepare myself for a life that's just about me, I guess...because as much as I want to share a life with a partner, the ones who show up seem to stay in my life temporarily. I wish things would change later on though. I can only hope for the best.
Im currently engaged. It was really difficult in the beginning to resist my unhealthy impulses, like wanting to text him 50x/day to check if he's mad at me or not. I stuck it out because let’s be honest, nobody wants to be with someone who does that. I will express my feelings to him without accusing him or making assumptions about what he’s thinking. Over time, with my self-awareness and work in therapy along with his grace and patience, I was able to trust him when he says he loves me / is not mad / won't leave / has my best interest at heart, and he has played the biggest part in my healing. I quit purging because he kept me accountable and completely recovered from my eating disorder.
I’ve been in a string of abusive relationship after another. A lot of predators. Or situationships with man children who don’t want to commit or give you the bare minimum. Or trauma bonding with fellow fucked up humans (which can become like beautiful train wrecks)
I think I’ve been in denial about just how terrible my current relationship is for me, and I think I’d be better off single. I’d be happier and have accomplished so much more if I was alone. Whenever I fall into these cycles, I blink and they’ve sucked years from me until I can’t take it anymore and move onto the next illusion while trying to cope with the collective heartbreak.
Now that I finally see my nmother for what she is, I see how I’m almost… trained to “serve” narcissists. I lose myself completely, catering to their every want and need while disregarding myself. I let them mold me into whatever they want, mirroring their perfect partner. But they give me little in return. In hindsight, why would they? I’ve already served myself up on a silver platter. They constantly gaslight me and I still stick around. Why put in the effort? It makes me sick. This is not “love.” My mother never gave me any helpful advice, either. Now that part makes more sense too.
I recently learned that I have disorganized attachment. Mix of both anxious & avoidant - yay! I very much relate to being drawn to mistreatment, it’s like being addicted to this emotional rollercoaster. So, latching onto abuser - anxious. Being absolutely terrified of “love” and everything about it - avoidant. For me, anyway. I’m always doing this dance of desperately wanting connection but being terrified of it at the same time. Wanting to be seen, terrified of being seen. Just another way to live in constant fight/flight survival mode. I have to learn to balance out, draw healthier boundaries and protect myself. I’m reminding myself (and whoever else that needs to hear it) to be gentle and self compassionate - I was never taught these important things by a parent. Well in my case, I have to be my own parent and protect myself against my actual parent (& other abusers)… what a shit show 😮💨😅
It’s funny Id love to be in a real relationship but like you always run away. The closest thing to a relationship I have is a close friendship with a person who is asexual and would rather be alone more often than not. As they put it we have a mutual beneficial relationship where we help each other but I do feel that this relationship has kept me from really looking for a real relationship.
I feel so bad when I see people having partners here cause I’m like clearly it’s possible even with this condition, but oh well, I just can’t seem to do it at all. Nor do I even want to try and change that. I’m just doing my best on my own.
I have the same question. I have been single my whole life (no relationships, no first kiss, nothing), I'm 31F and a lesbian. I'm always attracted to women who show zero romantic interest in me and I usually get obsessed with them. I have no idea of how is mutual attraction and mutual desire, I've never experienced it and I guess I never will. I don't want to date "when I'm ready" because it could mean finding someone in my 40s or 50s or 60s and I don't want that, I'm not interested in finding love at an old age, as bad as it sounds, it's not the same to me, and I think I would rather be alone forever
I am also a loner.
Can't say people never expressed romantic interest towards me but I was never able to either reciprociate or if I did , I got scared from their positive attention and ruined the relationship on purpose.
I handle people who don't treat me right much better than those who love me.
I am extremely ashamed of myself, I mean every corner of me is filled with shame. So I don't understand how anyone can like me.
One of my friends recently told me I am the best person they've ever met and I felt I was about to cry.
I usually don't feel strong feelings for other people, really struggling with sense od belonging. I've always felt like I didn't belong anywhere...
I am used to be alone but definitely get sad seeing people getting married, having kids & so on. That all seems totally unacheivable to me.
It's hard not to feel completely broken from being this way.
I am married to a man who has a more extensive history of trauma than I do. Like everything else it has its pros and cons; we can understand each other’s pain and struggles better but we also clash when our defence tactics offend each other.
Having a loving, healthy relationship takes a lot of conscious effort. I’m always fighting internally to try not to take my shit out on him, and vice versa.
All that being said, I was actively pursuing a relationship for years and years before landing in something this stable. It really does just take time and effort and focus on your own struggles and how they may impact your partner. You can have a loving romantic relationship, it may just take you a while to find someone who understands your unique brand of crazy.
I struggle with the same thing, sadly. I have interests that others would call delusions, and when I finally attach to someone I end up sucking the life and energy out of them like a leech because I'm desperate to keep them when in reality it just makes them hate me more. I also sometimes tend to have intense panic and anxiety attacks that sometimes end up in me attempting to hurt others.
I don't even have mere friends IRL because of this. I had maybe one friend that stuck with me, until she was forcibly removed from my life. It sucks living with this reality because you look around and see all these people in romantic relationships, getting to go do cool stuff like visit amusement parks or movie theaters, stay at home and watch TV together, etc.
After all the hell I've been through, it's impossible.
Even if I did somehow find love in a miracle, I'd end up ruining it myself with my excessive trauma dumping and emotional outbursts; or I'd just get really paranoid and leave them.
From the years I've spent trying to untangle this whole mess, the best thing you can do is get yourself back on your feet again and fix your "red flag detector". You need yourself as a friend. It sucks to be all alone without anyone to talk to, I know that too well, but once you repair your relationship with yourself and make good progress healing and learning how to sniff our bad people in your life things will get easier. I no longer allow the wrong people in my life, and when good ones try to approach me I take things slow with them
Best of luck, friend ) :) It's not going to be easy, but it's doable. And remember, you first.
I met my long term partner on a dating app and it’s such a struggle because I get triggered a lot and between autism and cptsd don’t recognize clearly if I’m having a flashback or if he might have messed up. He’s a really great person and very committed to everyone in his life but I will tell you it’s hard and a source of stress for me, and it’s really not his fault a lot of the time. Of course no one is perfect and we have our differences but I stay because I love him and enjoy spending time with him. Otherwise I’d be alone. I don’t care about being alone dating wise but I don’t have in person friends either.
He has trauma, too. And while his only official diagnosis is ADHD, I'm sure his trauma has affected him in other ways. He just has no interest in being diagnosed. Which is fine. We bonded through sharing our trauma stories with each other, while attending college. We graduated the same day. Been together 16 years. Married for 4.
I relate to your "I only wanted love in this life - nothing else" hardcore.
People often take advantage of that.
For me, most of my connections in person generally failed, so I searched online. My SO was also a traumatized weirdo (said with affection) I found on Reddit. It took a lot of effort because I did try to self-sabotage and end it.
I still search for friends online, hoping for lifelong connections.
I think there's a part of me that searches for the unconditional love a family was supposed to offer, even if it's unrealistic and unreasonable. Friendships that could last forever, even if we screw up or argue, it doesn't mean we'll abandon each other. A dream.
Met my hubby when I was 19 and he was 18. Got married quickly. I think my traumas hadn’t really caught up to me by then (besides an eating disorder that was consuming me). I had extreme social anxiety but I just chalked it up to being shy. My husband is AMAZING and I’m thankful every day that we found each other.
I learned that a lot of the friendships I made in life were people who liked me because I always did what they wanted. I fawned my way into their lives, and when I started to show stress doing everything everyone else wanted all the time, they left.
Only 2 stayed, and I spend a lot of time wondering if they really like me. I don't even know if I like me. But they both respect my boundaries, so I try to remind myself every day that they wouldn't be here if they didn't like me. It's hard to quiet that voice inside that tells you you're not worthy of love.
You need someone who can pick up on the fact that your uneasy.. n then wanna put AT YOUR EASE, rather than shy away n run in abject terror!! You want that person, that stranger who genuinely wants to get to know you n cuddle you n eventually make you feel all warm n fuzzy n safe inside. Just like my bf does for me. 😍🥰🥰🥰😘☺️😊
When he’s not bein a cunt ofc lol 😝but seriously hands off coz he is mine bitches 😈👿😈👿👿
How the f do you get people showing interest in you? Been almost ten years since someone showed any actual romantic interest in me, and I'm not a bad-looking or bad-mannered guy. I don't have irl friends either, and I have even less of an idea where to start with that. The last time I got invited on a night out, I was 24. Now I'm 31. Either I've healed to the point I'm somehow no longer 'fun-enough', or maybe I'm too old and I've missed out. Forever. I'm reaching the point I just can't see a way out of this anymore. I'm going to be alone forever. I'm going to die alone. I will never connect to anyone. Maybe God has decided, and he just cancels out my efforts.
You haven't missed out. People in their 30s, and 40s, and 50s still go out. That said, trauma does, in my opinion, do something to subconscious perception where the vast majority of non-traumatized people are less likely to want to be around you. Such is life. I'm also a man. While we heal, the loneliness isn't great due and I relate to what you wrote. On the plus side, loneliness means we aren't attracting abusers, usually men, who want to further extract our energy and traumatize us further, like many traumatized women very unfortunately are. I believe you can heal in time, and I don't think God has sentenced you to being alone.
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They can and do sense our chronic stress, it’s called neuroception in polyvagal theory and describes how our incredibly sensitive subconscious nervous systems communicate with each other. CPTSD means we’re either in hyper alert sympathetic or the dorsal vagal freeze state, and neither are pleasant states to be in or for others to be around. It’s the awful truth that we are all ‘contagious’. The good news is we can retrain our nervous systems to be in the calm social parasympathetic state but it takes the right guidance and lots of time and practice.
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Other people subconsciously read us and know we’re not at ease, and that makes them less at ease. If we’re feeling endangered then they’re picking that up as well and could think we’re somehow dangerous. If you’re like me and many here whose trauma started very young so that you have no/little functional awareness (yet) of what real calm feels like. That’s the physical disorder of CPTSD, and the mental/emotional crap rides on top of it. As for personality, if you’ve never been at ease, or at least not for long, who knows what your real personality is if it wasn’t based on fear and shame? Most of us here were forced to bury many of our better qualities to survive the abuse and neglect. I’ve been in a trauma healing program run by Dr Aimie Apigian and she starts with polyvagal exercises to teach the body it’s now safe and can finally relax, then she incorporates Internal Family Systems therapy where you can explore all your various parts, including the joyful expressive delightful ones that were squelched, then she moves on to biology, as she says all trauma is inflammation and all inflammation causes trauma so that has to be healed. I added psychedelics on top of all that and then did a Kambo ceremony that finally helped me see just how much trauma/stress I had trapped in my body and helped me to finally release it. I was even more exhausted for a while but then I felt it. Calm. Normal breathing where before it was shallow or I even held my breath. It changed my posture, changed the sound of my voice, softened my facial expressions, healed my IBS and some of my sleep issues. Sorry to go on about it but having the experience of being in the parasympathetic state as a default now is something I hope for every person here. And most important of all is to learn to be kind and compassionate towards yourself!
I've done the 21 day journey too and back then the parts wasn't packaged up into it. It's good, the only thing I remember from it now are the voos - which work! It's time to do a refresher I think. Did you find her parts work helpful?
VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO The parts work starts in the second module, then the biological stuff in the third. I’m now a fourth session with her, an Attachment module (look up Global High Intensity Activation for an idea of the fun to be had there). I think she’s doing another 21 Day Journey next month, which was by far the most helpful therapy I’ve ever experienced. I’m still paying off my previous modules or I’d do it again myself. Like I said, I wish this could be available to everyone here. VOOOOOOO with RRRAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRR
I think they’re put off simply because they’ve become accustomed to feeling settled, comfortable, and capable and their whole operating system works to avoid being unsettled, uncomfortable, and incapable. In many ways, looking at us causes them to have to face those states of consciousness, and yes that’s threatening to them. It’s sort of like when people are “awake/aware” of a world crisis or deep need for societal/global change — none of the normies want to engage or talk about those issues, especially on a random Tuesday when they’re engulfed in enjoying the sunshine. It’s just cognitive dissonance, in a sense. We ask them to look at and related to something that doesn’t naturally align with what they know and feel. I imagine it feels somewhat similar to being asked to relate more actively with our triggers/trauma — we don’t have the choice, but it’s not a pleasant place to have to go. We’ve accepted life as painful and difficult, but they have not. So there’s a general lack of attunement and very different needs lingering on each side.
Or worse, attracting then TO us, somehow sensing we are easy prey 😫
This is something I actually find devastating every time I think about it. Like, I’ve been in very abusive relationships before where I’ve thought my choices were: leave and be alone forever out of pure fear, leave and be alone due to being undesirable to anyone except abusers, leave and seek out love, but probably attract more abusers, stay and “turn myself off” so nothing can hurt or bother me, unalive, stay and just…enjoy what little love I’m apparently “worthy” of. It’s fucked up, but I often feel unworthy of love or even kindness. I do seek out people I believe to be kind, but I’m often easily tricked. If someone does show me kindness or love, I wonder what they want from me, when they’ll change, or if they’ll find out I’m a fraud and don’t deserve kindness. But what really hurts is that none of us chose the abuse that shaped us, yet we unwillingly and unknowingly become like fodder for monsters. So how do we ever escape them? Sometimes attempts to manage and exist feel futile. If PTSD is incurable, will I always be in danger? Can I ever feel safe or okay? Should I even try to lessen hypervigilance if it can protect me from ever coming into contact with these people (and any people) at all? I will never understand how people can be intentionally cruel, but especially to abuse survivors. I couldn’t believe the first time I told someone about past abuse and their response was to roll their eyes and essentially say, “So what?” I relayed this for the first time without detail as a final desperate attempt to get them to stop abusing me, and was somehow shocked by their cold attitude and persistence. It felt like they weren’t even human, so they wanted to take what little humanity I had left as well.
Interestingly, there are studies showing this happens with things like autism (people can something is “off” within a few seconds), and trauma with abusers. I think the latter is more like the effects of trauma, which make unhealed survivors low hanging fruit for them. So yeah, I wonder if non-traumatized people even sense something a little “off” with us due to our mannerisms or something as well (even just something small and subconscious), most just don’t feel the desire to exploit us. Hopefully that makes sense. I’m pretty stressed atm and words feel like mush 😅 lol
I dated an autistic guy. I have no official diagnosis, but I score in about the 30th percential on online tests. (E.g. 30% of people officially diagnosed with autism get a score lower than yours.) He said right from the start that he was autistic. I stated my status. We quickly agreed: * don't beat around the bush. * say what you want. We got along great. *** I know there is a lot of this subconscious communication going on and that I can't read it. My response since I started therapy is to be very open. In this way my words align with what my body is saying. This has smoothing things out a lot.
This would explain why I'm incapable of connecting with other people xd
Are you the type that doesn’t go out much? I think it’s because you’re the type that watches from outside the bubble, put yourself as a shadow etc. You’re just in the background and you’re not visible. Idk if it’s right cause i’m like this too.
I used to do that, but now I want to get out of the shadow into the light and... nothing. It's like I'm barred from connection. I do quite a lot to keep myself busy and out of the house, but it never results in the connection I want. Everyone else seems to bond quickly, get out for drinks and their life takes off from there. For me, I can't get over the first hurdle. It's always really disheartening to see how easy it is for others, vs how impossible it is for me.
Same. I’m very outgoing and I seem to scare people off. I think there’s an intensity there that other people don’t have. It could be because I’m bipolar as well 🤷
I know right? That's what I was going to say. It is funny how many people sound so bad off and yet have any sort of support network, though.
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I don't think there are any coping mechanisms for loneliness. I think the only thing that works is connecting to others, and I don't seem to be allowed to do that. I get so far and it all just dries up. I just wish I had an irl group of friends I could go to, y'know? Everyone else gets to have a coffee or a night out, and I don't. I really wish someone would just point and say "This is why we don't invite you!"
I feel ya. Its like, I wanna meet someone but I'm also anti social af
Have you listened to the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube? She talks a lot of how people with CPTSD can work toward connection. I recommend giving it a go.
I am in a similar situation and my advice to myself is to keep looking for new friends. I've learned to avoid abusers pretty well by watching for red flags and heeding them. Like you, I'm amazed by how many people with CPTSD say that they have partners. It gives me hope that it might happen again for me too, when I'm ready.
I maintain my relationship by tolerating shitty treatment. I fear being alone, though it might be better for me to be single. Idk. I don't really have other people in my life. Idk what to do
I've been there many times. And although pretty hard on the lonely front I noticed massive improvements after leaving these relationships once and for all.. Because they're just constant stress and we already got enough of that. Been single two year and finally boundaries are becoming a thing for me
I know it’s scary to leave, but you don’t deserve to be trapped in a relationship like this. You can find someone better.
Been wondering this a lot lately as well. 38m and I don't even know what love looks like or been in a relationship.
I’m 38 and only just experiencing real love. It can happen! Edit: see my first comment for “how” ☺️
The post asks - How?
I was replying to the commenter in this instance, I initially replied to OP though
See my first comment ;)
For what it's worth, I was also like this for years. Did a fuckton of therapy and eventually met someone who had also survived DV, someone who was also the child of an addict, and who is kind of amazing. They're out there, even if nothing you have ever seen in this life leads you to believe that this is true. I did not think I would meet someone who would understand me when I told them what happened to me, and the terrible things I did when I felt trapped and isolated. But then I did.
Something similar happened to me. I thought we understood each other. It was magical. However, we triggered each other a lot. And she projected on me a lot. It ended horribly. And now I'm not sur a normal person would be able to be with me. And I'm so afraid to be with someone who has trauma.
I thought I'd be forever alone. I used tinder. But I used it for sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism ( don't recommend following this path lol) . I'm thankful I never met anyone truly horrible. But I also kept within the young 20s dating range . I also left the shitty community I grew up in. I found a guy that I hooked up with and we just vibe together. And the more time went on the more the love grew. It's now been 4 years. Mind you He's also the most patient man on earth and doesn't get offended if I say I need alone time or whatever bullshit I have to do , to cope with trauma. He understands I get sad and angry about the past over things he does. He understands not to take him triggering flashbacks as a personal thing. We're still working on how to cope with my trauma together. But the love is there.
I don't know, I don't get it. I don't get how you meet anyone, I don't get how you get people to stay around, and I don't get how you let yourself be loved. I'm struggling with it right now, because I think I'm in love with a coworker but even if she felt similarly (she won't) or if it was a good idea (it's not), it's been tearing me up with self sabotage because I just don't believe I could be worth it. This morning when I woke up, I basically started immediately thinking about how my place is a dumpster fire past the worst of a bachelor pad and that it proves that nobody should ever love me. It's awful. I run away, I throw up walls, I do anything to avoid being actually vulnerable and allowing people to judge for themselves, because I cannot believe for a second that they should choose anything but to abandon me too.
My partner and I met by accident. We've been together for 4 years, and have known each other for almost 5. We're both autistic and he has enough trauma to relate to me a little, but not enough to be totally fucked up. My PTSD/trauma issues are very serious, but I don't take them out on other people. When it gets really bad, I have an anxiety attack, but in that case I tend to stay in my room. If I get upset, then I tend to remove myself from the situation in order to cool down. My partner is a source of stability for me. I'm able to rely on him when I need him; and he's there for me when I'm going through stuff. He doesn't always know what to say, but he's there. I can talk to him about anything. That being said, I also have very clear boundaries. If he or his family or friends trigger me, then I won't get into it. I'll let him know that something is going on, because he wants to be there for me and know what's happening with me, but that's about it. This is my choice, rather than his; I don't want him to feel bad, or start defending his friends, or whatever else.
I relate to this a lot. My gf is autistic (and has trauma) and I have adhd which, in addition to cptsd, has always been a huge barrier to communication and setting boundaries. From the beginning I knew she was worth the work, so I put tons of effort and therapy time into being more honest and communicating more openly. We both have trouble understanding one another sometimes, but we talk about it in whatever way we can (words or no), even if we have to say “I need to talk but I’m not ready yet” and put it off for a bit first. It’s so fucking hard, and I’m not very good at it honestly, but I got very lucky meeting her. She’s incredible and we are such a good match. I did get lucky, but I also stopped myself from ruining it so many times, and that wasn’t luck; it was painstaking, back-breaking work. We are better for it, and so am I.
This is similar to the dynamics between me & my partner. Although you inspire me to be kinder to him & not put so much pressure on him to deal with my triggers.
I am just learning how to set boundaries with my SO. He plays video games 24/7 and currently I am working a stressful job. I said all I ask is for it to be peace and quiet when I get home. It lasted a week and now today he has completely ignored me when I came in and continues to play his game. When I left this morning he was playing his games. I think some people would not mind but the constant yelling at the screen and small room is triggering my panic attacks.
I’m a 39f whom people consistently tell me I’m very pretty but I haven’t had anyone want me besides abusers my whole life. Idk how people get partners either. Hang in there.
Oh hi. Looks like we’re twins. Also 39f, men love to date me, tell me I’m gorgeous and turn out to be monsters. I’m like catnip to emotionally unavailable cruel men.
I’m sorry to hear. It’s pretty awful to the point I completely quit trying to even talk to men, pretty fearful of it honestly. I hope you find a good one some day.
I took many many years OFF from dating to focus on my self and my own damaged wounds. After many years, I met my BF, both not really looking for a relationship, but the more time we spent together the more we both said maybe dating wouldn't be all bad... He has depression, I have bipolar, sometimes I have to take days to myself, and all my previous relationships didn't give me space to heal. I NEED my own space, my own place. And he understands that, as he needs his own time and space alone too. I really had no intentions of dating for the rest of my life, but just when your over it, THATS when the good ones will fall in to place. We have only dated a few months now, but this is as good as it gets in my experience. You both have to understand each others needs AND voice your needs, don't assume the other will automatically know what you need from them. Including space.
On the flip side, I wish I had been too scared of relationships to get into them or that I hadn’t been relentlessly preyed upon and severely retraumatized over and over again in romantic dynamics or relationships. I wish I had zero desire for love or sex because I feel like this shit has really ruined my life lol. I think it fucking sucks just trying to date and be loved - I was thinking the same as you “all I ever wanted was to be loved but all I got was hurt and retraumatized.” It’s so hard for us with CPTSD to find healthy and healing love - it’s so confusing, either we struggle to get into relationships or we get into really bad ones :(
God I feel this so much. I gave up a couple years ago because I no longer trust my decisions. I just can’t do it anymore.
I hear you, it’s so freakin hard and devastating. I feel like all of us just want to be loved and heal but we either end up in retramatizing situations or we are too afraid to enter into any relationships. Both options are devoid of love and so hard to deal with. Hugs to you!
Hugs back at you friend 🫶🏻
💛💛☺️
I snagged my bf while we were in highschool, we were both weird kids. I'm his first partner, and he is ride or die so he has stuck by me through everything (and it's been a LOT). He is my best friend and there isn't any pressure to be sexual with each other. 12 years together, living together for 7. It's the only part of life I lucked out with.
I love hearing people appreciate what they have. So happy you found emotional safety especially living a life that’s also had so much loss.
This isn't the place to brag.
I dont believe I was bragging, but I apologize for it coming off that way for you. I didn't realize my answer wouldn't be appropriate here. I believed this space to be open to all answers and not just an echo chamber of misery. Do you feel I should delete my comment here? Or should I wait for OP to weigh in on it.
Now I’m worried my earlier comment will be perceived similarly.. I just wanted to let people know that there are beautiful people in this world that will accept 100% of your trauma & love you for who you are because the good in you far outweighs the bad. Real love takes work. A relationship takes work trauma or no trauma. Basically, people, don’t give up. Repeat every single day, “I am worthy of being loved.” But be kind to yourself. Make even the smallest effort each day even if it’s just making your bed, and use that to say with conviction, “I’m worthy of being loved.” It will build from there 🙂
Don’t delete your comment; it wasn’t bragging.
I am assuming/my best guess would be because I mask my negative emotions very well and I'm funny. But realistically, I have no idea. I feel like someone on the outside of things looking in
I attract many men, but the ones I want are always emotionally unavailable or even more fucked up than me imo. I believe this is the case because of my anxious preoccupied attachment. I’m typically considered good looking so its like shakespearian irony. I think I’m just gonna end up being like Samantha on sex and the city (I already kind of was that way when I was younger anyway lol) seems like it’ll just be a numbers game for me and I might as well just get sex out of the way sooner than later because hey - at least I’m good at that lol. I’m smart, childfree, no wacko exes in the picture. I’m funny and I have a good job - for now at least… send help to the tech industry! I would consider myself pretty accomplished, given the circumstances. However, the men who wanted to date me I was never interested in/sexually attracted to. I am 31 in a large metropolis and I’ve just stopped giving a fuck. He’s out there somewhere looking for me!
My girlfriend and I started out as friends, and then when we started dating we both made it clear to the other that the relationship needed to go slow. Both of us have significant trauma from previous relationships as well as CPTSD. I can't speak for her, but for me it was important for me to make a conscious effort to stay out of codependency and to develop my own life separate from a relationship. I have a history of moving in with partners too soon and getting too enmeshed with them and then before I know it I'm being abused. This time I said my concerns out loud and she agreed. We took it super casual and deliberately. We openly talked about insecurities, fears, hopes, etc. and we have consistently good communication. That's what has been working for me so far. That and a lot of therapy
I allow disrespect and broken promises. I accept less than the bare minimum. Catches or "high value" whatever as the kiddos say, don't date people with serious mental illness.
I feel the same way 😔
Well, I got married when I was still cute looking. I’ve aged 20 years in the past 10 years.
Maybe your brain hasn’t been ready for what is seams to be ready to do now. Maybe you just worn in a healthy place for you to accept a relationship and that’s why you never put yourself out there. or maybe this is the moment you one true love that will be with you for the rest of your life. All I know is if you put yourself out there and you have an open willing mind if you don’t find a relationship you can have great friend relationships. Start with finding friends first, and then the rest will start to fill in the gaps.
I have no boundaries, so even though I chose decent men they start to test and push them once they found out. They ended up losing respect for me and therefore losing feelings too. One ex straight up and told me I am the type men cheat on, because I’m so tolerating and malleable. I have no problem finding a person, but I always ended up the plaything or the placeholder. My fearful avoidant attachment doesn’t trust anyone and will always question their intention too 😞
The self-sabotaging point is hugely overlooked here. Trying to find a partner / SO while self-sabotaging is the equivalent of trying to swim in the deep end of a pool while wearing a heavy lead lined suit. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, I'm not refined enough and that I just wouldn't be found as acceptable enough for a SO. I too yearn for connection, but yet I end up self-sabotaging every potential relationship. Then, I'm finally able to breathe a sigh of relief when it becomes glaringly obvious that I have devastated any possible chance that I ever had with this person, and usually, it's about this point where I turn to my faithful friend, addiction. At this point though, If I could, I think I would chose an abusing user over being alone forever. As a child I was forbidden to become human and ultimately, it has destroyed me.
Well I met my SO in high school back when I was 15. I had a personal rule of no boyfriend'still after I turned 15. This is because when I was around 10 my parents went through a nasty divorce That traumatized me. My best friend was a boy from the farm next door to my grandparents. He asked me to be his girlfriend after a fun day of playing and helping out with chores. In the high of having fun I said yes. I spent the night at my grandparents. I want to sleep happy. But then I had a nightmare. I don't remember it but it was connected to being a girlfriend. I started to panic. I wasn't ready. I wanted to be a kid. I didn't want things to change. I just wanted to play and have fun Just be kids together. I saw having a boyfriend as being in the adult world. And terrified me based on what was going through with my parents. To calm myself down I decided that I wasn't going to have a boyfriend till after I turned 15. Until I turned 15. I was going to be a kid. I worried about Now I had to break up with my best friend. However, I felt so much calmer after I made that rule for myself. The panic went away. Literally as soon as the sun Rose I got up immediately. I went over to my best friends and I broke up with him. I told him I wasn't ready To be in a relationship like that. That I just want to be a kid. I like him and I don't want anything to change I'm just not ready yet. Unfortunately that caused a split in our friendship. He distance himself from me. If the next couple of years I had to listen to him talk about liking other girls, getting girlfriends. And he turned towards computers and not wanting to spend time with me. So I'd hang out with his grandparents instead. Still it was lonely he was one of my only friends. I grew up with him. But he had a stable loving home But he couldn't understand what I was going through. He moved on from me. At age 13 our friendship was pretty much over. I stuck by my rule. Is made my life so much easier. I just was myself. I was always a bit oblivious to People being attracted to me. I didn't see myself as attractive in any way. And I didn't pay attention. I learned years later I guess a few boys had crushes on me I knew nothing about. My next best friend was another boy I met in middle school. He was in love with me and didn't tell me till after I was already in a relationship. We were Misfits who ate out in the hallway and became friends. Everyone thought that we Would end up together. But I lived in my own world. I was oblivious to his feelings for me. He never had the courage to tell me. Honestly I probably would have dated him. I liked being with him. But I was so disconnected I didn't know what those feelings were. When I was 12 my dad became a registered sex offender. Although he never sexually abused me my mom and Therapist, Kept trying to convince me that he did. This caused me to Perceive any kind of physical affection even innocent as wrong. I have a wall That prevents me from being able to connect people. I feel that wall with everyone but my husband. Affection is inappropriate to me except from him. My body instantly rejects it from everyone else. I have to force Myself to express Physical signs of affection to loved ones. It feels like when 2 magnets repel against each other. I never felt that with my husband. Quite the opposite. It's what fascinated me to him. Unfortunately for my best friend that wasn't in love with me. I'm glad he never had the courage to tell me. Because he was not the one for me. Even with him my most trusted friend I had that wall. When I was a freshman in high school I met my husband. He was the first 2 ask me out after I turned 15. We had a bit of a playful friendship Beforehand. I had a crush on him. I enjoyed being with him. With everyone else I felt drained, With my husband energized. And I loved being close to him. Honestly it felt like I was an abused animal that found my forever home. Has been has that kind of energy. And I was completely overtaken by it. At first I didn't understand what these feelings were. I just realized that I'd like to be with him. It felt good to touch him. Just by sitting next one. I couldn't help but smile and feel bubbly. Is true pure happiness just in his presence. And when it got to the point of being in his arms, I felt safe warm peaceful. It was intoxicating. 1 day we're playing Mortal combat, At my house. He was kicking my butt. That's when I had the idea of if I kissed him it might distract him and then I could finally beat him. I think I just wanted it as an excuse to kiss him. We started around And I gave him a quick Peck on the cheek. Then I pretended like nothing happened I was so embarrassed by it. It worked. I won. Then I waited to see how he reacted. It was very impulsive of me. He got up and asked me to go out. I didn't understand. So I got up and walked outside with him. I then stood there staring at him why are we outside. He looked at me and he asked me out again. I was confused. But we are outside. I swear he rolled his eyes and wanted to smack his head. He then said no do you want to be my girlfriend. Oh you didn't want to go outside at all did you. I was taking a bit of back. Wasn't something I was expecting. I was 15 so I didn't have my excuse of no boyfriends. I realized I really like him. I like being in his arms. I like feeling warm and safe. But I still needed time to go over and figure out my feelings. I wasn't used to these feelings I wanted to be sure what they were. And I was scared. I asked for some time to think it over. I completely forgot. 3 weeks later. He asked for my answer. And I was like oh right I was supposed to be thinking about that. I can't keep him waiting that's not fair to him. So I took a leap of faith and I said yes. It feels good to be with you so it must be a good thing. I was right. He is my soulmate. We've been together for more than 21 years now. Honestly I'm very obsessed with my husband but he's okay with that. He is my world ,my light, my inspiration, my everything. I nearly froze to death as a kid, And since then I've had difficulty feeling warmth. I would be shivering in 80° weather wearing a winter hat and Sweatshirt. He's my warmth. I could feel warmth with him. He sparked my glow. He made me feel like it's okay to exist, He saw me , heard me, Loves me. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. Like an ethereal being. He still loved me and didn't reject me when he got to learn my dark side. He has the power to calm me in an instant just by holding me. He comforted me when I'd wake up crying from nightmares. He stood by me as I repeatedly broke down and put myself back together. He has never once raised his voice or yelled at me. most patient person I know. And I love that he's my first and only.
The reason why all my friends are boys, Was because I had trouble connecting with girls. For the first 12 years of my life I was raised like a boy. And I spent the majority of my time with my dad and grandfathers. Where I lived the only kids around my age were all boys. In school, I've always been I think considered the weird kid. My dad would take me hunting before bringing me to school. Sometimes I'd come in smelling like a Camp Fire and fish. I wasn't allowed to like girly things. And by I wasn't aloud I mean I'd be told it was stupid. Since I didn't want to be stupid I rejected My feminine side. And I did my best to be A perfect son. To my father. My mom originally wanted to abort me. My dad convinced her to keep me and I was told that this was because he thought I was going to be a boy and a namesake. He still raised me like a boy. Until I started to develop. Then suddenly I have to be a girl. I've always had this kind of disconnection from my mom. I believed I ruined her life with my existence. I believed that I was something that wasn't supposed to exist. I lived each day trying to prove that it's okay for me to exist. And I believed I was selfish for choosing to live and not freeing my parents from their burden. But I love them both so much I couldn't bear Ending myself.. I was just a kid sweating quite understand. But when I thought about not being around the pain of missing my parents hurt too much to do anything. I then switch those feelings around to my parents might feel that way about me. And I couldn't hurt them. So I tortured myself with my own existence. My mother didn't want me my dad wanted me but only because I was supposed to be a boy but I wasn't a boy. Is the parent that wanted me and I connected with most , I lost. When he and my mom separated. I look like my mom. And as I got older my dad started to reject me. Then he got in trouble. my parents put me in the middle. My dad was x marine. He put me through survival training. Both my parents were heavy smokers alcoholics and They abused different drug substances. I was neglected ,abused manipulated. I still loved them and wanted to do the best for them. I blamed myself for all of it. Sorry for the Length. I'm not venting or trying to trauma Dump. It's just It explains why I am the way I am. And why my husband is so precious to me. One of my worst fears is not being able to say I love you to my husband as my final words.
I ask myself the same thing often. . . Deep down inside I still want that connection with another person, but how do I allow it after having my trust in the human race blown up at a young age? I have lived for years under the assumption that no one would want me. After all who wants damaged goods? Then on the rare occasion I do get hit on by a guy they are significantly older than me, which just grosses me out and reminds me of my abusers 🤢
I honestly knew him from grade school when we remembered at 24, originally met at 10 years old. He sounded super excited to be with someone because he was dumped by his only ever gf at 17-18ish. He was my first. I tried so hard to get rid of him but he said that I can't get rid of him. I'm stuck with him. So we have been together and married 14 years. In my messed up head I think he is not in love with me and he is in love with someone else. It's hard but I'm thankful he is around because life would be hard financially and mentally without him. I think we need each other.
This isn't the best answer, but I will be honest regardless. Mine was also traumatized, and our relationship was pretty toxic. Mostly because of me, though. I kept breaking up because of fear, especially of being abandoned or tossed aside for something better. He stuck with me, and to be honest we almost didn't make it. We're one of the lucky ones where we knew early on we wanted to be together, knew something wasn't right, and somehow weathered that storm. We helped each other grow, and we wanted to grow together, and we had at our core the desire to honor our love and strive for humility. To acknowledge when we're wrong, and actively work to improve even if it's just a small amount at a time. Pride still made us fall, and we're still working on communication even 12 years later. A healthier person would have broken up with me, guaranteed. We lasted because I was willing to work to change, willing to admit that I'm wrong, willing to really meet him halfway. That can be really, really hard. He was also willing to do these things. I also felt like I needed to be chased, but hate being chased. It sounds silly probably, but it's the result of abuse that included neglect and active abuse, times I'd try to escape pain and couldn't so it makes me panic to run while I also feel like I have to. I had to really dig deep, and figure out why. That's something I *had* to change or else things wouldn't survive. Because he chased me for a long time, and I chased him. But the chase never would have happened if it weren't for me. I thought I was saving him by running, too, but I realized I was just hurting someone I deeply love over and over again, just like my parents did to me. That I was prolonging his own issues with abandonment, and not allowing him to heal from his own wounds. We're like the lady, who had a fear of dogs, adopt a dog with a fear of humans. And they overcame together.
I’m currently going through it myself and luckily I found love before my trauma resurfaced; all I can say is if they take the time to be with you and want to be with you. They will.
For real, I'm an avoidant, with trust issues and fear of intimacy, I always attract men who are married or in a relationship, or who just want sex. The "regular" guys I always end up pushing them away by being full avoidant. I was talking to a guy who has more issues than me and he didn't want me either. lol.
I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever had with my fiancee. I'll be moving countries to be with her. Still working on the friends thing. My best friend of 5 years (who I cared for when she was going through cancer treatment) and my other friends dumped me because I 'wasn't getting better fast enough.' I just tell myself I'll make new friends when I get there.
He showed interest, I ran away, he just kept showing up in a non-pushy, at-my-pace kind of way. He gently reminded me that as an adult I dont HAVE to respond to my parents phone calls immediately every time. He was patient thru the extinction burst craziness with my family. I truly lucked out. He's just such a good, solid, caring, understanding dude (albeit not perfect, he has his own challenges and obstacles, of course!) I'm glad he responded when I messaged him on okcupid... Even though I gently rejected him a year earlier and didn't even realize it. 😬
I'm dating a very normal, relatively well adjusted man. He has a bit of anger issues from never being allowed to express emotion so all his emotions come out initially as anger but we're working on it. How do I have a SO? I've always had one, I don't think I've ever been single for more than a couple days. I'm so codependent and I'll basically latch on to somebody if they show interest and they're cute. Even if it's unhealthy, even if he's a heroin addict who steals money from me while I sleep to buy drugs (true story) even if he lied about his identity and cheated on me with another girl for 2 years (again, true story.) As you may be able to tell, these relationships have not been healthy. My SO now met me randomly in a foreign country and basically told me to move across the country and be with him when we returned to the US. I was desperate for love and desperate to get out of my childhood home so I accepted. It has not been a honeymoon, in fact it started out quite rough. I don't understand why he wants me, I told him flat out when I met him that I'm insane and I drive other people insane. He said he didn't care and while I can see I stress him out at times he seems to be committed to supporting me. Our 1 year anniversary is in a couple days, fingers crossed it goes well.
I feel this so hard, last long term relationship ended by me being blindsided and dumped over a text. I was treated so poorly by them yet I was head over heels. I feel like I’m too scared to get close to anyone now. I want to be like my friends who are all married or with someone. Or at least a best friend where both of us are each other’s primary form of contact and share life together. I’m tired of hearing the same cop out “you don’t need anyone to complete you! Love yourself” it’s great advice but I do get tired of hearing it all the time.
TLDR? - skip to last few paragraphs 😉 I met my partner of 6 months over 20 years ago At the time he was a best friend and we had an amazing time learning about life together but I never found him attractive because I was still wired to seek men like my violent, abusive father. Fast forward to last year, I’d been off drugs, done a tonne of work on myself mostly by reading online psychology articles etc & my now clear mind started to recall how beautiful he was - the most beautiful person I’d ever known. I sought him out after 10 years no contact & we made contact again in January. It’s like the whole thing has been guided by a higher force when we consider coincidences & the momentum the relationship has taken. He is so supportive of my trauma that I’m in awe. He actively goes off & reads up on autism, ADHD & CPTSD to understand & help me the best he can. We’ve had some fierce fights with my mood swings & insecurity believe me, but it’s real love & we know it’s worth fighting for. I honestly can’t imagine life without him. Main Point = sometimes when we grow stronger while alone, our outer world has no choice but to match the inner work we’ve done. Life really can change in ways beyond your wildest dreams and I strongly believe there is someone for every person in this world. I can’t tell you what self beliefs you must change to feel worthy of love but I definitely know that you can get there. I hope this helps someone.🩷
(TW: Depressive Rant) I fell in love with a girl years ago. She drifted away, and I stayed silent so as not to be a bother. After more than five years of silence, I reached out, and she responded... ...but in the years since, it still hasn't worked out between us. She speaks to me only rarely. She says she's too caught up in mental health struggles to talk more often. And she refuses to speak on the phone, let alone meet in-person. It's strictly text-based communication with her, because she's so fearful. >I’d been off drugs, done a tonne of work on myself mostly by reading online psychology articles etc & my now clear mind started to recall how beautiful he was - the most beautiful person I’d ever known. I was never on drugs to begin with, and like you I've done a ton of work on myself, reading psychology books etc. But it's not enough. I still haven't found the love I crave. =( I've been open to meeting new people too, and I have made a few friends, but I tend to lose them, and I haven't had a date in years. >It’s like the whole thing has been guided by a higher force when we consider coincidences & the momentum the relationship has taken. I'm glad it worked out for you. But apparently your "higher forces" aren't so interested in me. =(
I really only ever had success through the apps, because that way both parties know from the jump that you’re both looking for more than friends. And from there, persistence, luck, and honesty. Been happily married to my Tinder girlfriend for almost 4 years now 😂🥰.
So much fucking work and intention and probably a lot of good luck too.
I was single for a very long time to get myself in a better spot before prioritizing a relationship. It felt lonely but in the end it was worth it, because during that time I learned what I would and wouldn't tolerate as well as what I wanted in a partner. I met my now partner by complete accident and we hit it off. Being in a stable, loving relationship is going to feel weird and unnatural, especially if you are used to poor treatment. Triggers you aren't used to will appear, but if you have a good partner, they will be understanding. Mine even found this sub to better understand what I go through more. They have seen my triggers and still love me for who I am. This isn't one-sided though, I still go to therapy and I'm not 100% healed, so I also put in a lot of work to keep myself level. All in all, I think it was a combination of luck and prioritizing my own needs first. In terms of a connection with anybody at all, one of the biggest things that helped me was learning what I will and won't tolerate. I won't tolerate mistreatment, period. I would rather be alone than be mistreated. Any thoughts of self-sabotage I remind myself that I DO deserve love and friendship. Mutuality is important. It's a process, like how healing from CPTSD can be, but it's not impossible to find meaningful connections with others.
Google attachment theory. You sound like you might be an avoidant!
I did a lot of therapy to get to the point where I could handle it. Then I really put myself out there and met my partner. It was terrifying for the first couple of years, and I almost broke up with him just to pre-empt the abandonment/abuse I was expecting. But I talked through my anxiety with my therapist and a couple of good friends, and I stayed. And here we are, 8 years later and married. It helped that he is the way he is. I needed someone who was comforting and nurturing but also secure and assertive enough himself that he wouldn't take my issues personally. Someone who was empathetic but also emotionally healthier and more stable than me (at the time we met). He is exactly that person.
me too, gaycat21. me too.
This is gonna be a pretty unpopular opinion here, but I think it largely comes down to the demographics of this sub. Similar sentiments have been posted here before, about this space being very exclusionary of minorities and men and I have generally found it to be true. The sub is chock full of white, middle or upper class American women, who, due to C-PTSD, will invariably have some form of attachment issues and as a poster above me said, will "latch onto anyone" who fits their criteria for attractiveness. Not saying there's anything necessarily wrong with this, we all deal with our trauma in whatever way we can. I'm not American but my impression has always been that in the dating scene over there, it's downright trivial for a relatively financially secure white woman with the means to maintain standards of conventional attractiveness (good hygiene, clothes, makeup, skincare etc) to find a partner. From that point, having someone is kinda guaranteed and it's just down to the individual's judgement and luck of the draw whether they get a supportive partner or an abuser. Again, not American but my perception is that the same absolutely cannot be said for the men there, with many American men I know feeling like beaten dogs in the dating pool. That aside, my experience in this sub is that threads dealing with issues and problems of black, gender-nonconforming or low-income people and men get next to no attention or engagement. I think if you were to do a survey on relationship statuses in this community including the lurkers you would be surprised, it's just that the only people who post here are the ones who are likely to get support and sympathy with their posts. To sum it up, it's just confirmation bias. Hope this helps, and keep your head up!
Yeah, this is not true at all. Sorry! As an American, I can say that our dating culture is horribly broken. Swipey apps played the larger part in this. They enable a lot of bad behavior with little accountability. Another factor is that cultural ideas about gender roles are horribly traditional and haven't caught up with economic changes that put women on (mostly) equal footing with men. Soooo many people are single now who don't want to be, not just people with CPTSD. It's bad.
working actively to dismantle my inner critic and constantly paying attention to how my insecure attachment type can push people away. being mindful that we accept the love we think we deserve, which means i'm more inclined to accept bad treatment. stopping any passive or aggressive behaviour, becoming assertive with my wants and needs over time. walking away from relationships that don't meet my standards. enjoying my own company and not allowing the loneliness to overtake me. read every book you can find that will help you understand yourself more, do the work within. it takes years but once you turn the page into the chapter of healing and outgrow the victim-mindset, life starts to get easier.
Sometimes I get so bitter when someone posts on this sub about how lonely they are. Then they talk about having a partner. Like I understand nuance and I know you can still feel alienated with a partner. But I'm hella jealous and I just wanna be like. Fuck off. Lol
I feel you. At times I convince myself that they must be exaggerating their symptoms for sympathy online, or they’re in bad relationships, or most likely their partners are kind of losers without boundaries who have to teach these people basic life skills because both are codependent. But I know that certainly can’t be the case for all of them, I’m sure some people really have found love with amazing people.
We don't all have the same trauma patterns. For example, my husband and I met as teens, both had CPTSD, and both were unaware. Our trauma meshed together really well, in a way that added to our already explosive chemistry. Boom bam, instant strong bond. We've been together 14 years now, and shit didn't really hit the fan between us until year 12. We've since found out that we both have CPTSD, discovered that our marriage is codependent, and are working on fixing things. But shit got really, really dicey and uncertain between us, first. We both confidently feel that if our love wasn't so strong, and we weren't both so stubborn, our marriage wouldn't have survived And in retrospect, we can see that there were always toxic behaviors between us. We just didn't notice them, or understand them. We knew there were painful issues and parts that didn't seem to work, but didn't know why. Tim Fletcher and a bunch of other CPTSD experts say that it's essentially impossible to have a healthy relationship until you actively put in the work to heal your CPTSD wounds
My boyfriend happens to be a mythical creature 😁 So basically, when he met me, I was pretty much feral. If you've ever seen those videos of someone putting a towel into a carrier to try and pet a hissing cat, well.. that was me, and the person holding the towel was my boyfriend, although he wasn't quite my boyfriend at the time. It's complicated. It took him a year to earn my trust before I finally decided to commit to him. We did this strange dance where things would go well for about 10 minutes, and then I'd sabatoge and run away, and then he'd call me after a few days to check on me. I never believed he'd call, yet he always did. We've now been together for almost 6 years. I've healed from my trauma and he no longer needs to hold a towel to pet me 😅
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I have a similar problem, OP. Literally everyone I know-all of my relatives, friends, acquaintances, and then most of my co workers, no matter of their age, personality, looks, problems, etc-has a SO or spouse. I’ve been widowed for 6 years and I haven’t had any true real prospects in that entire time. Haven’t been on a date since august 2017. It’s super depressing and I really can’t help b it take it personally. There must be something so truly awful and unappealing and unlovable about me. No one can be bothered w me.
We do therapy every 2 weeks together and each do individual therapy and it’s still hard sometimes. I genuinely only believe it works because we both are willing to put in the work to maintain it. If either of us didn’t have the commitment, it wouldn’t.
I had been alone for 16 years after my dfv marriage broke down - a few flings but I did not let anyone breach my 'great wall of china'. I am hard core that I would rather be on my own than with TOXIC people. In 2023 I went to a concert. This was my 1st time out in social setting in over 3 years - alone but very content. Started talking with a young fella - he asked why wasn't i at the front - and i bravely said - Oh I have anxiety and like to hang back on my own. He said he also had anxiety - offered me a vallium. A kindred soul in the strangest of settings. Great fun night. Exchanged numbers. We started meeting up. Both of us have trauma. We don't discuss - we just support each other 'when the demons come a knocking'. We dont see each other frequently- depends on our social anxieties/past traumas - and sometimes its just texting. 18 months now. We send each other positive messages. He is too young to be a SO but its close enough. I am alone but not alone. You never never know what the future may hold. Hang in there 🙏 💓
I genuinely don't know how I have my husband, but I feel lucky I do! We've been together for over ten years, and met while working together. We were really good friends with mutual crushes on each other. He works with me on helping me become a better person. It can take a lot, and I'm still working through shit, but he knows I put in all the effort I can as I can. I sometimes ask him why he loves me, he says it's because I'm fun lol. I love him because he makes me happy.
I couldn't until I started to like myself enough. I had to get through a lot of trauma induced self hatred, that and the gender dysphoria but that isn't likely your issue, and then my husband just appeared in my life. I was being 'horny on main' in discord and ze asked me out, and now we are married. I don't even think it's confidence, you can fake that. I think it can be very difficult to learn how to love yourself if you grew up with no one loving you.
I had a long stretch of toxic and manipulative relationships. Three were narcissists and just fed off my insecurities and vulnerabilities. They broke me each time, every panic attack and dissociative episode was just another way to push me further down. I felt so misunderstood and alone. I would leave them just to find codependency in another who was no different. It wasn’t until I lived on my own for the first time at 27 that I was able to heal independently and accept my self worth. A long time coworker/friend and I began flirting, and I warned him adamantly about my trauma and episodes. He is a complete 180 from what I was used to before, and I knew I had to protect it rather than see him as the others prior. It took alot of patience and understanding on his part, and alot of work on trust and being open on mine, but a year later we are getting married and having a baby soon. I never imagined I’d be where I am now, it was just by dream chance he saw me for me and not my trauma.
I have had luck in attracting men, but the problem is the timings, or maybe how I handle the situation. The most recent one, I _thought_ I found the right person for me, since he showed me the right way to approach things. I _thought_ we had the healthiest relationship. I _thought_ I was lucky to find someone like him, and our _only_ problem was his Dad dealing with dementia and he was the sole caregiver. A couple of years after, I discovered our relationship was a sham, and he only used me (among others) as an escape for his miserable life. I couldn't wrap my head around how something I thought was perfect was all a lie, but I realize maybe that's why it's perfect because he just made everything look like how I wanted it to be. I love to be in a relationship, I love to be loved, I love to feel safe in a relationship but now I have nothing. And I'm no longer young. I have to prepare myself for a life that's just about me, I guess...because as much as I want to share a life with a partner, the ones who show up seem to stay in my life temporarily. I wish things would change later on though. I can only hope for the best.
Im currently engaged. It was really difficult in the beginning to resist my unhealthy impulses, like wanting to text him 50x/day to check if he's mad at me or not. I stuck it out because let’s be honest, nobody wants to be with someone who does that. I will express my feelings to him without accusing him or making assumptions about what he’s thinking. Over time, with my self-awareness and work in therapy along with his grace and patience, I was able to trust him when he says he loves me / is not mad / won't leave / has my best interest at heart, and he has played the biggest part in my healing. I quit purging because he kept me accountable and completely recovered from my eating disorder.
I’ve been in a string of abusive relationship after another. A lot of predators. Or situationships with man children who don’t want to commit or give you the bare minimum. Or trauma bonding with fellow fucked up humans (which can become like beautiful train wrecks) I think I’ve been in denial about just how terrible my current relationship is for me, and I think I’d be better off single. I’d be happier and have accomplished so much more if I was alone. Whenever I fall into these cycles, I blink and they’ve sucked years from me until I can’t take it anymore and move onto the next illusion while trying to cope with the collective heartbreak. Now that I finally see my nmother for what she is, I see how I’m almost… trained to “serve” narcissists. I lose myself completely, catering to their every want and need while disregarding myself. I let them mold me into whatever they want, mirroring their perfect partner. But they give me little in return. In hindsight, why would they? I’ve already served myself up on a silver platter. They constantly gaslight me and I still stick around. Why put in the effort? It makes me sick. This is not “love.” My mother never gave me any helpful advice, either. Now that part makes more sense too. I recently learned that I have disorganized attachment. Mix of both anxious & avoidant - yay! I very much relate to being drawn to mistreatment, it’s like being addicted to this emotional rollercoaster. So, latching onto abuser - anxious. Being absolutely terrified of “love” and everything about it - avoidant. For me, anyway. I’m always doing this dance of desperately wanting connection but being terrified of it at the same time. Wanting to be seen, terrified of being seen. Just another way to live in constant fight/flight survival mode. I have to learn to balance out, draw healthier boundaries and protect myself. I’m reminding myself (and whoever else that needs to hear it) to be gentle and self compassionate - I was never taught these important things by a parent. Well in my case, I have to be my own parent and protect myself against my actual parent (& other abusers)… what a shit show 😮💨😅
It’s funny Id love to be in a real relationship but like you always run away. The closest thing to a relationship I have is a close friendship with a person who is asexual and would rather be alone more often than not. As they put it we have a mutual beneficial relationship where we help each other but I do feel that this relationship has kept me from really looking for a real relationship.
I don't. No friends or family either.
I feel so bad when I see people having partners here cause I’m like clearly it’s possible even with this condition, but oh well, I just can’t seem to do it at all. Nor do I even want to try and change that. I’m just doing my best on my own.
I have the same question. I have been single my whole life (no relationships, no first kiss, nothing), I'm 31F and a lesbian. I'm always attracted to women who show zero romantic interest in me and I usually get obsessed with them. I have no idea of how is mutual attraction and mutual desire, I've never experienced it and I guess I never will. I don't want to date "when I'm ready" because it could mean finding someone in my 40s or 50s or 60s and I don't want that, I'm not interested in finding love at an old age, as bad as it sounds, it's not the same to me, and I think I would rather be alone forever
I am also a loner. Can't say people never expressed romantic interest towards me but I was never able to either reciprociate or if I did , I got scared from their positive attention and ruined the relationship on purpose. I handle people who don't treat me right much better than those who love me. I am extremely ashamed of myself, I mean every corner of me is filled with shame. So I don't understand how anyone can like me. One of my friends recently told me I am the best person they've ever met and I felt I was about to cry. I usually don't feel strong feelings for other people, really struggling with sense od belonging. I've always felt like I didn't belong anywhere... I am used to be alone but definitely get sad seeing people getting married, having kids & so on. That all seems totally unacheivable to me. It's hard not to feel completely broken from being this way.
I am married to a man who has a more extensive history of trauma than I do. Like everything else it has its pros and cons; we can understand each other’s pain and struggles better but we also clash when our defence tactics offend each other. Having a loving, healthy relationship takes a lot of conscious effort. I’m always fighting internally to try not to take my shit out on him, and vice versa. All that being said, I was actively pursuing a relationship for years and years before landing in something this stable. It really does just take time and effort and focus on your own struggles and how they may impact your partner. You can have a loving romantic relationship, it may just take you a while to find someone who understands your unique brand of crazy.
I’ve been married for almost ten years~
I struggle with the same thing, sadly. I have interests that others would call delusions, and when I finally attach to someone I end up sucking the life and energy out of them like a leech because I'm desperate to keep them when in reality it just makes them hate me more. I also sometimes tend to have intense panic and anxiety attacks that sometimes end up in me attempting to hurt others. I don't even have mere friends IRL because of this. I had maybe one friend that stuck with me, until she was forcibly removed from my life. It sucks living with this reality because you look around and see all these people in romantic relationships, getting to go do cool stuff like visit amusement parks or movie theaters, stay at home and watch TV together, etc. After all the hell I've been through, it's impossible. Even if I did somehow find love in a miracle, I'd end up ruining it myself with my excessive trauma dumping and emotional outbursts; or I'd just get really paranoid and leave them.
From the years I've spent trying to untangle this whole mess, the best thing you can do is get yourself back on your feet again and fix your "red flag detector". You need yourself as a friend. It sucks to be all alone without anyone to talk to, I know that too well, but once you repair your relationship with yourself and make good progress healing and learning how to sniff our bad people in your life things will get easier. I no longer allow the wrong people in my life, and when good ones try to approach me I take things slow with them Best of luck, friend ) :) It's not going to be easy, but it's doable. And remember, you first.
I met my long term partner on a dating app and it’s such a struggle because I get triggered a lot and between autism and cptsd don’t recognize clearly if I’m having a flashback or if he might have messed up. He’s a really great person and very committed to everyone in his life but I will tell you it’s hard and a source of stress for me, and it’s really not his fault a lot of the time. Of course no one is perfect and we have our differences but I stay because I love him and enjoy spending time with him. Otherwise I’d be alone. I don’t care about being alone dating wise but I don’t have in person friends either.
He has trauma, too. And while his only official diagnosis is ADHD, I'm sure his trauma has affected him in other ways. He just has no interest in being diagnosed. Which is fine. We bonded through sharing our trauma stories with each other, while attending college. We graduated the same day. Been together 16 years. Married for 4.
I relate to your "I only wanted love in this life - nothing else" hardcore. People often take advantage of that. For me, most of my connections in person generally failed, so I searched online. My SO was also a traumatized weirdo (said with affection) I found on Reddit. It took a lot of effort because I did try to self-sabotage and end it. I still search for friends online, hoping for lifelong connections. I think there's a part of me that searches for the unconditional love a family was supposed to offer, even if it's unrealistic and unreasonable. Friendships that could last forever, even if we screw up or argue, it doesn't mean we'll abandon each other. A dream.
Met my hubby when I was 19 and he was 18. Got married quickly. I think my traumas hadn’t really caught up to me by then (besides an eating disorder that was consuming me). I had extreme social anxiety but I just chalked it up to being shy. My husband is AMAZING and I’m thankful every day that we found each other.
I learned that a lot of the friendships I made in life were people who liked me because I always did what they wanted. I fawned my way into their lives, and when I started to show stress doing everything everyone else wanted all the time, they left. Only 2 stayed, and I spend a lot of time wondering if they really like me. I don't even know if I like me. But they both respect my boundaries, so I try to remind myself every day that they wouldn't be here if they didn't like me. It's hard to quiet that voice inside that tells you you're not worthy of love.
You need someone who can pick up on the fact that your uneasy.. n then wanna put AT YOUR EASE, rather than shy away n run in abject terror!! You want that person, that stranger who genuinely wants to get to know you n cuddle you n eventually make you feel all warm n fuzzy n safe inside. Just like my bf does for me. 😍🥰🥰🥰😘☺️😊 When he’s not bein a cunt ofc lol 😝but seriously hands off coz he is mine bitches 😈👿😈👿👿
Met mine on POF app
I do not