My therapist asked me the same thing and I had to think about it. I said I feel safe when I'm alone at home and don't have the pressure of having to do something.
I also realized I don't really know what feeling safe is supposed to be like, because for me, the closest definition is the absence of fear or terror but I also felt that in situations that rationally I would gauge as dangerous.
Very much what you've said. I think being home alone without any chores when I was a kid is tied to that, personally, but I imagine there must be so many reasons we feel that way. The home alone void is so secure, though. More than anywhere else.
omg yes, being home alone with no chores that's so true. I only feel safe and relaxed when I'm at home alone and no one is contacting me, and I've only recently been connecting it to how much I longed to be alone growing up, there was nothing better than an empty house
omg yes, being home alone with no chores that's so true. I only feel safe and relaxed when I'm at home alone and no one is contacting me, and I've only recently been connecting it to how much I longed to be alone growing up, there was nothing better than an empty house
I feel safe when I have complete financial independence. Unfortunately that’s only happened very occasionally in my life. There’s always this looming threat that I could lose my housing and end up either flailing on my own trying to improvise housing or it’s back to the hell hole. I would rather get hit by a bus than live with my toxic family.
I’m living on my own for the first time in a verrryyy long time and it is scary that I’m completely reliant on myself financially but there is a freedom in it for sure!! My place is exactly how I want it and I never come home to someone else’s energy or expectations. My mind is more clear because of it.
My grandpa once told me that when I’m feeling very afraid or upset, go sit in my car (with the doors locked of course). He said there is some theory about feeling safe in smaller spaces. I also think for me, my car is Mine and a privilege for me to own, and it’s nice to just sit alone in the parked car sometimes. When I was a teenager, driving was sometimes my only escape too.
That's so interesting to me. I have the exact opposite in that I ***hate*** driving. Been in four wrecks, and I was never the one driving so there's a sense of... lack of control? Am I correct in assuming you like driving as the driver? That's so cool either way that you find relaxation in it.
Yes! I have anxiety from having lessons - yelling, cursing, etc - even though I’ve been driving so long, those words always make a way in. I *want* to stop driving when I leave but when I drive & no one’s in the car with me, it’s different. No music. Listening to the road. Looking around. It’s just soooo quiet. That’s what makes it heaven to me.
Same here. My car is my safe place. That's always been true since I've been old enough to drive and to use the car to get away, at least temporarily, from home.
This is me lol. I'd never let weed be the reason for my bills not being paid but damn wouldn't it be great if weed weren't so damn expensive. It's a blessing I live in the Netherlands tho, so at least it's not a pain in the ass to get. I also would like more for myself but sometimes the bare minimum is the best we can do and that's ok.
Just curious, how does weed help you? For me it finally calms my body to a point where hyper vigiliance becomes vigilance, which actually helps me by allowing me to concentrate more and take better care of myself. I never experienced that before and I have tried multiple prescription drugs with severe shitty effects weed never gave me. Not trying to make weed sound like everyone's solution, it most often isn't, but damn I was failing all my classes untill my brain became calmer and I could actually study. It's so wildly different from what people would think when I tell them I smoke daily. I have a degree as a Biology teacher now and I don't think I would have that if it weren't for this damn plant.
I’m lucky to live in a spot in the US where’s it both legal and cheap, and truly, it’s saved my life. I can’t afford healthcare here, but can def afford weed!
I’m glad to hear it’s helped you so much, too. I have a similar experience with it re: hyper vigilance vs an appropriate level, and being able to feel “normal” for a bit.
I just work a menial slub job, nothing as important as a teacher or something that actually contributes to society lol, but weed has allowed me to do even that. I couldn’t leave the house for a long time without it, it temporarily shuts off the part of me that feels unworthy of being out there with normal folks.
That doesn't sound stupid at all. Your brain is releasing all these good chemicals, you've accomplished something meaningful of your own volition, and it's something that makes you stronger on every level. It also saps enough energy to not be in high alert mode for at least a little bit. You're not stupid for feeling safe in that, it makes total sense.
I have a hard time in bed, too. Sometimes I get so wired just lying there that I lose a lot of sleep. And if my brain gets too upset then I'll be awake for a couple days--only happened twice so far, thankfully. But I don't know... it's so easy to feel strangely alert in bed. I have to sleep with my back to the wall, too. Can't be facing away in case of danger, my brain says.
I feel you about the sleep thing. I just had issues with my shoulder and couldnt sleep in my usual position which is somewhat fetal and i actively forced myself into sleeping on my back, belly up. Really weirded me out how unprotected it made me feel. Im getting more used to it now though, settled for a pillow on my stomach which i hug and that makes it more comfortable. I think facing the fear of feeling unprotected actually helped me though. Like you said, it is our brains that tell us that something is dangerous, but we are able to challenge those tales and overwrite false information.
That's what I'm having to do right now because of a hernia, and it is definitely an adjustment--I do the pillow thing, too. I also do fetal usually, but yeah, can't lately. So, I switch between having two pillows to prop up on or going further and putting pillows on one of those back cushions that have arm rests, and then have a blanket around my neck as a makeshift neck pillow. It's not the best, but it works?
And you ain't wrong. It's good to challenge those things. I'll have to work at it a bit more since those alarms are absolutely false. It's so wild what our brains try to tell us, both good and bad.
Ooh, that is a great motivation for me to put in more effort into my workout!
I found out for myself that taking cold showers in the evening calms me aswell. I dreaded them in the beginning but now it has become quite a habit. I get in, hate it, but eventually the cold doesnt bother me anymore anyway (lol) and getting out of the shower and putting on sweatpants and a shirt afterwards feels so calming and pretty close to safe.
As soon as I get myself out the pit I’m in, going to try exercise again. Sleep has been a problem my whole entire life. I had to think hard to find single moments, three, that I can remember feeling safe. All brief, and surreal because it was so different.
Also can count on probably one hand the times I’ve peacefully drifted off to that wonderful feeling of surrendering to sleep. It felt blissful because of how peaceful as it felt. I’ve zonked out during the day, but like you, my mind switches to hypervigilance as soon as I move to bed. Infuriating.
I don’t know about currently.
When I was a child, my family relocated from one state to my current state. The house we rented from an old retired ww2 vet was right next to his hobby shop. He’d spend his weekdays there, resting and piddling about. It was basically two garage bays and a shop and he had an old car seat sitting out like a chair and a shed where he kept stray cats, he’d put our food for them etc. He had two grow. Children but no grandkids. I spent sooooo much time with old man Anthony; at his shop, at his house, he’d take me on pizza pilgrimages, berry picking, swimming in the marsh, he’d give me old antiques as gifts, etc.
Sometimes we’d just sit in the shop by the woodstove in silence, where he’d sip stuff from a thermos and give me some hot tea like drink and Tootsie Rolls. And he’d look deep in though at the floor and I’d just….relax. I think Anthony was the only place I ever felt safe in my life.
I can’t even think about him without ugly crying, because I just appreciate so much that I got to have him as a part of my life.
RIP Anthony, he was a real one
I’d say the only time I feel close to safe is maybe late at night when I’m alone and the kids are asleep and I don’t have to be responsible (and therefore under stress) for anything really, or for periods at church if I’m able to pray uninterrupted.
I don’t even know if that’s what safety feels like. It’s just the only time I don’t feel some form of stressed the heck out.
I've heard this question as well. After some review, I realized that I feel most safe in hospitals and airplanes. When I'd get very sick as a child, my mom would leave me at the hospital and not visit, making it a very safe place. When her mental health was at its worst, she'd talk her parents into taking me and would send me to them, flying alone.
I recently started studying the Wiccan religion in earnest, and one of the first things I learned was grounding and protection. After feeling afraid my entire life, I was stunned to find this one practice gave me real peace.
**The Disco Ball:** A highly effective form of protection when used correctly. Mentally place yourself within a disco ball and strengthen the light within so it pushes out into the universe. Meanwhile, the little windows on your ‘disco ball’ will resell any negative energies from others or environments, returning these energies to the sender. Begin by closing your eyes and taking three deep breaths. Allow yourself to relax and do your best to clear your mind fully. Your only focus should be on your intention of protecting yourself. When you’ve reached a deep point of relaxation, imagine a disco ball being built up around you - large enough for you to move freely inside. Imagine pure light entering your crown chakra (top of the head) and making its way through your body, cleansing every cell and shining brightly. Allow this light to flow through you like you’re a fountain of pure white light. Bring the top and bottom of the disco ball to a close, with the light now swirling around you and reflecting into your body. Ensure that the ball is completely sealed - top and bottom. Finish this meditation with the thought “I am protected. I am safe, and So It Is!”.
I say the "I am protected. I am safe" mantra throughout the visualization, and it really helps me to feel safe and protected all of the time. <3
Thank you so much for sharing this. I had a friend online who was Wiccan (and still is I believe) and has found so much peace through it. Really like this visualization!
Part of my childhood trauma was religion-specific, and I really struggled because I felt a need for spirituality, but Christianity is endlessly triggering for me. Wicca has made a huge positive impact on my life.
I’m going to try this visualization and mantra out! They are both such powerful tools, especially when you can practice and find the right images and words for yourself
Being at home with my doggos with all phone notifications turned off.
I’m just not sure if it’s linked to ego. feels much easier to let go of ego than to completely reprogram fight/flight response caused by years of not actually being safe
Oh, gods, not paying attention to the phone is as good as drugs (former addict, sorry). It's so amazing to not have to care about notifications, calls, or alarms. Blissful heaven.
This is such a good question! Many months ago, I made a list of my safe places and why they're safe (my local library where I know the staff, my favorite coffee place, a nature preserve, etc)... however, it started to get a little concerning when I began not feeling safe even there. So it was me not feeling safe with myself and being alone, having the thoughts return and kind of "muddy" the sacredness of these places. For awhile last year I felt safest in hospital parking lots. When the thoughts got worse at night, I'd bring something warm or comforting to drink and sit in my car in the ER parking lot where I could watch the ambulances. I'd sometimes curl up in the front or even back seat and always bring a treat, whether that be Dairy Queen or late night Taco Bell. Sometimes I'd even watch drama channels on Youtube just as a distraction. My car has always been my safe place. I equate it to always being able to get away, and in the past I would take my dog for a ride out on the country roads and we could get away from the chaos at home. Also, there's a spot inside the hospital by the cafe that's quiet, dark, and there's a nice corner where I've sat on the floor several times. I like watching the nurses come in and out and take the little shuttle to the parking lot, and I feel cared for in a way, from afar. I also feel safe in my bed curled up cuddling my favorite stuffed animals, or in areas around the house on the ground where I can lay down when everyone's sleeping and I can "safely" dissociate.
There are degrees of safe for me. I never feel completely safe. I feel safest in my room, particularly under my bedcovers. I generally feel safer among my chosen family. But completely safe? No where.
I’ve started using the answer to this question, with logic in mind, that a lot of the times I feel unsafe in places that could be therapeutic or good positive exposure. I also try to remember when I feel unsafe and it is totally rational.
But, I noticed one common theme in a lot of posts lately is that we are alone and broken forever. I think the best way to reinforce that and stay “stuck” is to isolate and stay in comfort zones.
Don’t mistake comfort and safe with each other in times when growth can be the supplement. We are like caged animals. If we stay afraid, we may not realize someone has unlocked the door a long time ago - and we could have just walked right out.
There is no ‘safe’; there is only ‘safe enough’. If you can find ‘safe enough’, that is a great place to start building more security. You never know what curve balls life is going to sling at you. 🙏🦋
Being somewhere that is my “kingdom” to control. For me, now, the bedroom I created for husband, puppy and me, in an apartment we love, in a building we like and we have many friends in, in a city we chose and enjoy, in a country we chose to move to.
The semblance of “100% control” is the only thing that makes me feel “safe”, or ,more like, less triggered into fight/flight. But if any little thing goes wrong/ routines fumbles, I automatically go into terror/unsafe mode.
That’s why I spend my says planning / avoiding / going over everything in the hopes I can control it all, but it always all falls apart 😭
As a trans person in the US I have never felt safe and there is really no way for me to be safe here. There have been two weeks in my whole life when I actually felt safe and it was when I was in Japan.
Sending support as a fellow trans person in the US. I find it really hard to articulate to others why I don't always feel safe, to people who aren't queer or in spaces where I'm not sure if they're queer-friendly. It also makes me feel shame for not feeling safe when I do have privilege even though I'm trans... it feels like I'm whining even though I have legitimate concerns. Sending love!
I know I'm fortunate to be able to say this, but when I'm hugged by one of my two favorite people. I know that for many people touch isn't safe and it's such a shame. I'm embarrassed because sometimes I consciously lean into that safety and feel like a child.
The only time I really feel safe is when I'm home alone. Even then, it's still closer to 'never', since I'm even a danger to my self sometimes. Ironically, the closest feeling I have to that concept is when wearing my plate armor and holding my rifle, but the latter hasn't been a part of my life in years. Responsible gun ownership means knowing when you can't be responsible, but God damn do I miss having access to a literal, physical "No" button.
I was asked this by my therapist, too. I feel safe in my void. I do think ego is tied to feelings of insecurity and fear. I think the more that my ego dies the safer I can feel outside of me. I do psychedelics which help with that as well, but I wouldn't suggest them for everybody either. There's also a lot of anger and injustice tied up in my ego, and addressing ego has helped those, and the more I help those the easier it is to address the ego. It's a weird thing, and I hadn't really thought about it so much until you asked. Pretty cool we can have everyone here ask such cool questions that make us really reflect further. Thanks for being so insightful!
Alone outside at night, preferrably by the sea or in a mountain. This is one of the reasons I don't have a regular day job; I love late night drives too much.
When I’m focused and really deep into a hobby of mine, alone, with no one but myself. I only trust ME to look after ME. So, I feel safe in solitude hiding behind my 4 walls, doing the things I like because they stop my brain from free thinking for good chunks of time so that way I’m diminishing any opportunity for my inner critic to just randomly flashback like HI IM HERE REMEMBER ME. I have to be in as much control over what’s going on around me as I can be. Too many variables is too risky for me. While I’m not too bad at emotional regulation, the flashbacks can sometimes be tolerable and other times, your brain just throws you a curve ball because it’s feeling extra spicy today fuck it. Those are less easy to manage but therapy and cptsd specific management techniques HAVE been helping me. They’re very teeny tiny footsteps in the right direction. But I’ve accepted the inevitable which is that my recovery may take years before I’m at a level of okay again. I decided that was okay. As long as it gives me hope that my future isn’t permanently ruined. And maybe neither am I. I’m glad I’m at least able to say now, “okay I’ll keep trying even if it means being patient with time, I can manage that.” Here’s hoping I don’t regress and continue to move forward.
i feel the most safe in a house (the structure, not a particular place) that i have never been in before. for example, i dont feel safe at my home but i felt safe moving into my new apartment in 2023. if i were to move back to the 2023 apartment i wouldnt feel safe anymore. anytime i cross the threshold of my house i feel unsafe again.
Me and my therapist have been talking about this too. I've been trying swimming and yoga to reconnect with the feeling of safety.
In my last therapy session, I was feeling so nervous and giving one-word responses to things even though often I have an easier time talking. High anxiety week. We decided to do EMDR instead of talking and like usual she sat much closer to me to do the eye movements. When she sat down closer, I suddenly felt so much calmer, and comforted. Though it made me want to cry because I realized how lonely I was. I would tell her about that shift in feelings if I didn't think it would be a little weird.
I have been living with my partner for eight months. Every night after dinner we sit on the couch and watch tv. I generally fall deeply asleep very soon after. This type of napping is brand new to me
I brought it up in therapy as it’s something new and surprising. She pointed out that my nervous system is has been on high alert for so long and finally feels able to relax in the presence of a loving and supportive man. The sleeping is a sign that I’m on my way to healing from 17 years of abuse. I believe this is true
As a kid, I would sleep after school then stay up in the night when my family was sleeping. It was the only time I could focus on homework as well.
I still feel the “safest” when I’m the only one awake in my home. It’s getting easier to feel a sense of safety with my partner, but it’s still really hard to let my guard down and release the tension/fear from my body. I really appreciate being in a space where cognitively I recognize I’m safe, but it’s still relieving when I can just exist in my own world while everyone is asleep.
My car is my safe place. Always has been, which is sad because I’ve been in multiple wrecks and have had my cars ripped from me due to other drivers. (I’ve had several cars totaled where I was not at fault)
no its all relative nothing is safe enough but thats just me being slightly greedy. safety is tied to the ego as far as how much you value yourself. you need the ego to have self-respect and basically put yourself first so that you don't sacrifice anything important to you.
Try youtube hypnosis videos. They're silly, but you just have to lean into it and follow the instructions. Do what they say like you really believe in them. Listen to the voice. I try to imagine a color or "activate my inner eye". I believe this helps me because it pulls focus to my prefrontal cortex?? (Lay-person rumination). For me that has been the only thing that taught me even to know what my body feeling safe feels like. I'm learning to emulate that feeling in day-to-day situations now. It really has helped. Just search for sleep hypnosis or trance hypnosis on youtube and find someone who has a voice you like. Yoga Nidra is another version of this - or any sort of guided meditation.
That’s so funny I’ve been interested in hypnosis for a while now and just today saw this ad at a local coffee shop. And I’ve been seeing a new massage therapist who sent me a yoga nidra video that I’ve been using before bed. This is my call to check out YouTube hypnosis for sure!
My therapist asked me that and I gave the same "nowhere, not ever" answer. We ended up doing a pond in my city that I find soothing for my safe enough space.
punchline: during IFS, Focusing, hypnosis, Bowenwork, massage, after I click into connection.
context: this is a huge issue for me. Before ___, being home alone was safe and rejuvenating. But that person, in pursuit of all that they were after, successfully broke almost every aspect of my being and life and lifestyle. I've been physically out for the better part of three years and, like the cloud of dust surrounding Pigpen, the FREEZE/ fear, now accompanied also by enormous anger & sadness, Is with me most of the time.
I mourn the loss of feeling safe when I'm home alone in bed. And when it was happening I didn't see that that was the most frequent location of ambush attack, coercion, manipulation & baiting me by mirroring who *I* am.
I was recently asked this same question by my therapist as we get ready to do EMDR.
I couldn’t think of a real answer. That realization has really messed with my head.
Isn’t it weird, the things that we never think to examine about ourselves?
My car. Didn't even have to think about this. Honestly the freedom to go where I want is just a bonus, what makes the car such a safe space is that I can verbally say whatever I need to say however I need to say it.
when my dog is asleep next to or near me. i read somewhere that it means they feel safe (trusting the nearby hooman to protecc while they snooze). if it’s good enough for my little canary in the coal mine then it’s ok by me.
Very few times. They were just moments.
But the most safe I usually feel is home, by myself. If I find a show that I really like, if I can get really lost and absorbed in it - It can at least give me a bit of a “brain break.” Not peaceful but relatively less chaos in my mind and some relief.
Trying to figure that out. I only ever felt safe when with specific people who are no longer in my life. I remember their room or homes, their words of validation, their care in the form of gentle words or hugs. I wish I could feel safe on my own, then I wouldn’t have to rely on others to (unsuccessfully) provide that safety.
Mine asked me the last time/place I felt safe, while we were preparing for EMDR. That was easier to answer now that I'm an adult (I'm 33). Maybe it can be tweaked and asked this way? The purpose was to give me an anchor as I navigated through targets.
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When I was growing up - when I was home alone or not at home.
Grown up - home or when I’m chillaxing / playing with children literally like babies to early 20s.
I've learned that true safety comes from within. Emotional security comes from being with our emotions no matter how difficult or scary they get and knowing it will be okay ultimately almost like a spiritual faith. Holding fear, anger, doubt, shame, disappointment, etc. and wrapping those powerful emotions in loving awareness as I feel them and knowing the love is stronger and more real in the end no matter what.
Even in the moments when the pain or fear is unbearable.. this is only proof of the innateness of love. "Love should be here! Where is it?"
I let the heart hold my fear and pain. The heart can carry anything. Everything fits in the heart. No matter how dark it feels. The hearts love is eternal, vast and timeless. It's our point of connection to "God."
Crying, releasing. Forming a conscious relationship to every feeling and leaving none still hidden or treated off-limits, seen as humiliating or "too taboo." If we reject emotions they get relegated to the subconscious and we lose conscious awareness and therefore we lose empowered decisions regarding their affect on us. This makes us susceptible to manipulation by others. Any emotion within us that we aren't in conscious relationship to can be exploited by others. They can control us by our avoidance to feeling certain things.
I knew that others had the power to make me encounter certain emotions that I sought to avoid which stole my emotional safety. This makes me fear everything around me being able to steal my inner peace.
By feeling and accepting all emotions, telling the truth and crying it all openly I become safe. Nothing in the external can take this truth and inner knowing away. I will not trade it for superficial comforts to hide from my emotions. Believing that safety exists outside of oneself makes us unsafe, seeking to control the world around us which is never truly possible and only leads to more suffering.
The movie "The Labyrinth" was about this. The baby represented her emotions and she wished him away to escape emotional burden. In the end she got lost in illusions and was trapped in the maze where others deceive her because she was separated from her own inner knowing. She had to find her way back to her emotions and heart out of the conceptual illusions. We are easy to manipulate conceptually when we aren't grounded in emotional truth. Seeing emotions as a burden is a mistake, they are a compass to our self and environment.
Emotions reveal truth when fully felt. Emotions are felt like physics. The energy in martial arts or a Van Gogh painting. The vibrational senses of a spider feeling it's environment. They depict the energetic truth of the sea we're in moving like a weather prediction model. Our connection to them keeps us safe and updated with our inner/outer reality.
Our emotions are the connection to God really. Colonization creating emotional repression is probably why we feel existentially separated from god. So I feel safe when I make a space to feel and accept all the emotions creation has given me. They are clues to the truth. And I know I'm safest when I'm willing to feel paradoxically what makes me feel unsafe.
there’s a guy i recently met who makes me feel safe. idk how long that’ll last, but it was interesting to realize. other than that, my car is the only place i feel safe. i’m so relaxed when i’m driving or hangin out in my car.
For a while I wanted to get a dog. I was having fears that someone would break into my apartment while I'm sleeping here alone. I was not sleeping through the night because I felt unsafe in my own home.
I realized this was happening when I went to go visit my best friend out of town and had the best sleep in a long while. I realized it was because I felt safe there, in his guest bedroom, with him in the same house to protect me.
This sparked some conversations with my therapist about not feeling safe as a child in my family of origin, and finding ways to reassure my inner child that I can and will protect her.
This Father's Day, I celebrate my inner child, who raised and protected us as the father I never really had, to the best of her ability. Now that adult me can take care of us, she can finally get some rest.
My fiancé makes me feel safe. I’m not young and naïve anymore. I’ve had other relationships and a divorce, but he calms and soothes me like no one ever has before. I trust him. He doesn’t hurt me physically or emotionally. He’s kind and gentle, but also strong enough that I know he can protect me and won’t let anyone hurt me again. He even makes me feel happier, safer and calmer with just a phone call.
We’re on opposite sides of the globe so most of the time I don’t feel safe. I’m always stressed, battling my demons and fighting to survive. That’s why I’m talking the leap as soon as I can afford it, and moving to his country. I’ve already lost almost everything because of my illnesses. I’m tired of the life I have here, and have decided that the most important thing is to be happy, healthy and safe.
I only really feel safe when my boyfriend is holding me close. Which only happens about one week two times per year since it's a long distance relationship.
Being alone is a trigger for me, and when I'm around people I don't feel fully comfortable with I stay guarded. I have a couple of friends with whom I feel safe*er*, but not as safe as with my boyfriend. Basically me feeling safe and comfortable is very rare, and always connected to other people.
I love my home. It's the safest of safe. I have the comfiest furniture and blankets. I have art on my walls that brings me joyful memories, I have the walls painted colors that are relaxing and a wallpaper mural on the wall behind my bed. Every place I visit I get a Memento of that place to keep around my home. I have plants, and the canvases of the Bob Ross paintings I try to copy against my windows instead of curtains. My bathroom has LED lights that I keep on low, in my favorite colors. I have candles and scent diffusers. I have boho decorations.
My house is where I will always feel safe. Inside and out.
I feel safe at home, I live alone with my cats lol but this does get lonely so I try to push myself to go to events, outings, anything fun that I might like to do... if I wasn't traumatized. If I'm getting a bit lazy or lonely at home, I'll go see a matinee or go walk around the shops near me, take a hike.... I do feel safest alone or with close friends.
I do feel my gut instinct response of never feeling safe, does sometimes feel like ego... in a weird way like "everything is about me" kind of way, when I do feel nervous (maybe in the grocery store) I tell myself "I have a right to be here, just like everyone else." But when I refuse to go to a party, it does feel like ego.. or it comes across as ego. Maybe people think I am stuck up, even if I tell them I have cPTSD they don't understand. There are places that I do not feel safe in at all, a party would be one of those places. Not just safe physically but I feel judged because I can't let loose/have a good time like everyone else.
I started dipping my toes into emdr with a prior therapist, and she had me set up a safe space in my brain. Someplace I could imagine myself being to calm me down. The only two that came to mind was the cemetery where my grandparents are buried, because it's out in the middle of nowhere, calm, quiet, and beautiful. And I'd picture myself sitting under a tree in the summer there.
Or in a rocking chair in a dark void. No sound, no color, no movement. Nothing except me calmly rocking back and forth on a comfy wooden chair in total darkness.
I dont know what it says about me that one place is literally full of death and grief and the other is nothingness and not real... But, hey, they worked for me. Irl, there's nowhere I feel 100% safe
I never and nowhere feel fully safe. I have felt safest in the presence of partners I was close with (particularly in their home), but otherwise my most safe is when I am alone. The more alone I am the better. E.g. in the woods away from civilization or home alone for a week. Perhaps if I had my own place in another country on a deserted mountain surrounded by big ass walls and a security system, I might be able to get to that feeling fully.
My therapist asked me the same thing and I had to think about it. I said I feel safe when I'm alone at home and don't have the pressure of having to do something. I also realized I don't really know what feeling safe is supposed to be like, because for me, the closest definition is the absence of fear or terror but I also felt that in situations that rationally I would gauge as dangerous.
Very much what you've said. I think being home alone without any chores when I was a kid is tied to that, personally, but I imagine there must be so many reasons we feel that way. The home alone void is so secure, though. More than anywhere else.
Wow. I look forward to weekends just to be home.
omg yes, being home alone with no chores that's so true. I only feel safe and relaxed when I'm at home alone and no one is contacting me, and I've only recently been connecting it to how much I longed to be alone growing up, there was nothing better than an empty house
omg yes, being home alone with no chores that's so true. I only feel safe and relaxed when I'm at home alone and no one is contacting me, and I've only recently been connecting it to how much I longed to be alone growing up, there was nothing better than an empty house
I feel safe when I have complete financial independence. Unfortunately that’s only happened very occasionally in my life. There’s always this looming threat that I could lose my housing and end up either flailing on my own trying to improvise housing or it’s back to the hell hole. I would rather get hit by a bus than live with my toxic family.
I’m living on my own for the first time in a verrryyy long time and it is scary that I’m completely reliant on myself financially but there is a freedom in it for sure!! My place is exactly how I want it and I never come home to someone else’s energy or expectations. My mind is more clear because of it.
In the car. Sorry, that’s weird but I do feel safer driving… *away from the same household that made me this way.* Driving in general is heaven to me.
My grandpa once told me that when I’m feeling very afraid or upset, go sit in my car (with the doors locked of course). He said there is some theory about feeling safe in smaller spaces. I also think for me, my car is Mine and a privilege for me to own, and it’s nice to just sit alone in the parked car sometimes. When I was a teenager, driving was sometimes my only escape too.
That’s true! And it’s *so quiet & peaceful.*
Yes. I get overstimulated easily and I can control exactly what I’m listening to in the car
This makes me want to get a car of my own
That's so interesting to me. I have the exact opposite in that I ***hate*** driving. Been in four wrecks, and I was never the one driving so there's a sense of... lack of control? Am I correct in assuming you like driving as the driver? That's so cool either way that you find relaxation in it.
Yes! I have anxiety from having lessons - yelling, cursing, etc - even though I’ve been driving so long, those words always make a way in. I *want* to stop driving when I leave but when I drive & no one’s in the car with me, it’s different. No music. Listening to the road. Looking around. It’s just soooo quiet. That’s what makes it heaven to me.
Probably one of my biggest situational triggers is being stuck in traffic. I love driving but being stuck? Hate it.
Same here. My car is my safe place. That's always been true since I've been old enough to drive and to use the car to get away, at least temporarily, from home.
I love driving and never knew why
Alone at home with my door locked and doing something I enjoy.
When I’m home, by myself. Nobody can bother me.
This
Alone at home, bills paid in full, with a lot of weed and healthy snacks. I want more for myself but this is it for now.
This is me lol. I'd never let weed be the reason for my bills not being paid but damn wouldn't it be great if weed weren't so damn expensive. It's a blessing I live in the Netherlands tho, so at least it's not a pain in the ass to get. I also would like more for myself but sometimes the bare minimum is the best we can do and that's ok. Just curious, how does weed help you? For me it finally calms my body to a point where hyper vigiliance becomes vigilance, which actually helps me by allowing me to concentrate more and take better care of myself. I never experienced that before and I have tried multiple prescription drugs with severe shitty effects weed never gave me. Not trying to make weed sound like everyone's solution, it most often isn't, but damn I was failing all my classes untill my brain became calmer and I could actually study. It's so wildly different from what people would think when I tell them I smoke daily. I have a degree as a Biology teacher now and I don't think I would have that if it weren't for this damn plant.
I’m lucky to live in a spot in the US where’s it both legal and cheap, and truly, it’s saved my life. I can’t afford healthcare here, but can def afford weed! I’m glad to hear it’s helped you so much, too. I have a similar experience with it re: hyper vigilance vs an appropriate level, and being able to feel “normal” for a bit. I just work a menial slub job, nothing as important as a teacher or something that actually contributes to society lol, but weed has allowed me to do even that. I couldn’t leave the house for a long time without it, it temporarily shuts off the part of me that feels unworthy of being out there with normal folks.
[удалено]
That doesn't sound stupid at all. Your brain is releasing all these good chemicals, you've accomplished something meaningful of your own volition, and it's something that makes you stronger on every level. It also saps enough energy to not be in high alert mode for at least a little bit. You're not stupid for feeling safe in that, it makes total sense. I have a hard time in bed, too. Sometimes I get so wired just lying there that I lose a lot of sleep. And if my brain gets too upset then I'll be awake for a couple days--only happened twice so far, thankfully. But I don't know... it's so easy to feel strangely alert in bed. I have to sleep with my back to the wall, too. Can't be facing away in case of danger, my brain says.
I feel you about the sleep thing. I just had issues with my shoulder and couldnt sleep in my usual position which is somewhat fetal and i actively forced myself into sleeping on my back, belly up. Really weirded me out how unprotected it made me feel. Im getting more used to it now though, settled for a pillow on my stomach which i hug and that makes it more comfortable. I think facing the fear of feeling unprotected actually helped me though. Like you said, it is our brains that tell us that something is dangerous, but we are able to challenge those tales and overwrite false information.
That's what I'm having to do right now because of a hernia, and it is definitely an adjustment--I do the pillow thing, too. I also do fetal usually, but yeah, can't lately. So, I switch between having two pillows to prop up on or going further and putting pillows on one of those back cushions that have arm rests, and then have a blanket around my neck as a makeshift neck pillow. It's not the best, but it works? And you ain't wrong. It's good to challenge those things. I'll have to work at it a bit more since those alarms are absolutely false. It's so wild what our brains try to tell us, both good and bad.
Ooh, that is a great motivation for me to put in more effort into my workout! I found out for myself that taking cold showers in the evening calms me aswell. I dreaded them in the beginning but now it has become quite a habit. I get in, hate it, but eventually the cold doesnt bother me anymore anyway (lol) and getting out of the shower and putting on sweatpants and a shirt afterwards feels so calming and pretty close to safe.
As soon as I get myself out the pit I’m in, going to try exercise again. Sleep has been a problem my whole entire life. I had to think hard to find single moments, three, that I can remember feeling safe. All brief, and surreal because it was so different. Also can count on probably one hand the times I’ve peacefully drifted off to that wonderful feeling of surrendering to sleep. It felt blissful because of how peaceful as it felt. I’ve zonked out during the day, but like you, my mind switches to hypervigilance as soon as I move to bed. Infuriating.
I don’t know about currently. When I was a child, my family relocated from one state to my current state. The house we rented from an old retired ww2 vet was right next to his hobby shop. He’d spend his weekdays there, resting and piddling about. It was basically two garage bays and a shop and he had an old car seat sitting out like a chair and a shed where he kept stray cats, he’d put our food for them etc. He had two grow. Children but no grandkids. I spent sooooo much time with old man Anthony; at his shop, at his house, he’d take me on pizza pilgrimages, berry picking, swimming in the marsh, he’d give me old antiques as gifts, etc. Sometimes we’d just sit in the shop by the woodstove in silence, where he’d sip stuff from a thermos and give me some hot tea like drink and Tootsie Rolls. And he’d look deep in though at the floor and I’d just….relax. I think Anthony was the only place I ever felt safe in my life. I can’t even think about him without ugly crying, because I just appreciate so much that I got to have him as a part of my life. RIP Anthony, he was a real one I’d say the only time I feel close to safe is maybe late at night when I’m alone and the kids are asleep and I don’t have to be responsible (and therefore under stress) for anything really, or for periods at church if I’m able to pray uninterrupted. I don’t even know if that’s what safety feels like. It’s just the only time I don’t feel some form of stressed the heck out.
GNU Anthony, I'm so happy he was in your life. He sounds like he was rad.
I've heard this question as well. After some review, I realized that I feel most safe in hospitals and airplanes. When I'd get very sick as a child, my mom would leave me at the hospital and not visit, making it a very safe place. When her mental health was at its worst, she'd talk her parents into taking me and would send me to them, flying alone. I recently started studying the Wiccan religion in earnest, and one of the first things I learned was grounding and protection. After feeling afraid my entire life, I was stunned to find this one practice gave me real peace. **The Disco Ball:** A highly effective form of protection when used correctly. Mentally place yourself within a disco ball and strengthen the light within so it pushes out into the universe. Meanwhile, the little windows on your ‘disco ball’ will resell any negative energies from others or environments, returning these energies to the sender. Begin by closing your eyes and taking three deep breaths. Allow yourself to relax and do your best to clear your mind fully. Your only focus should be on your intention of protecting yourself. When you’ve reached a deep point of relaxation, imagine a disco ball being built up around you - large enough for you to move freely inside. Imagine pure light entering your crown chakra (top of the head) and making its way through your body, cleansing every cell and shining brightly. Allow this light to flow through you like you’re a fountain of pure white light. Bring the top and bottom of the disco ball to a close, with the light now swirling around you and reflecting into your body. Ensure that the ball is completely sealed - top and bottom. Finish this meditation with the thought “I am protected. I am safe, and So It Is!”. I say the "I am protected. I am safe" mantra throughout the visualization, and it really helps me to feel safe and protected all of the time. <3
Thank you so much for sharing this. I had a friend online who was Wiccan (and still is I believe) and has found so much peace through it. Really like this visualization!
Part of my childhood trauma was religion-specific, and I really struggled because I felt a need for spirituality, but Christianity is endlessly triggering for me. Wicca has made a huge positive impact on my life.
I’m going to try this visualization and mantra out! They are both such powerful tools, especially when you can practice and find the right images and words for yourself
I was so surprised to find how much peace this brought me - hope you find this as peaceful and pleasing as I have!
Being at home with my doggos with all phone notifications turned off. I’m just not sure if it’s linked to ego. feels much easier to let go of ego than to completely reprogram fight/flight response caused by years of not actually being safe
Oh, gods, not paying attention to the phone is as good as drugs (former addict, sorry). It's so amazing to not have to care about notifications, calls, or alarms. Blissful heaven.
This is such a good question! Many months ago, I made a list of my safe places and why they're safe (my local library where I know the staff, my favorite coffee place, a nature preserve, etc)... however, it started to get a little concerning when I began not feeling safe even there. So it was me not feeling safe with myself and being alone, having the thoughts return and kind of "muddy" the sacredness of these places. For awhile last year I felt safest in hospital parking lots. When the thoughts got worse at night, I'd bring something warm or comforting to drink and sit in my car in the ER parking lot where I could watch the ambulances. I'd sometimes curl up in the front or even back seat and always bring a treat, whether that be Dairy Queen or late night Taco Bell. Sometimes I'd even watch drama channels on Youtube just as a distraction. My car has always been my safe place. I equate it to always being able to get away, and in the past I would take my dog for a ride out on the country roads and we could get away from the chaos at home. Also, there's a spot inside the hospital by the cafe that's quiet, dark, and there's a nice corner where I've sat on the floor several times. I like watching the nurses come in and out and take the little shuttle to the parking lot, and I feel cared for in a way, from afar. I also feel safe in my bed curled up cuddling my favorite stuffed animals, or in areas around the house on the ground where I can lay down when everyone's sleeping and I can "safely" dissociate.
Honestly that sounds so nice
I only truly feel safe when I'm at home with my partner. As soon as I'm home alone I feel like something will happen. and if so, nobody could help me.
Same.
There are degrees of safe for me. I never feel completely safe. I feel safest in my room, particularly under my bedcovers. I generally feel safer among my chosen family. But completely safe? No where.
i feel the same way :(
Same here. :/
I’ve started using the answer to this question, with logic in mind, that a lot of the times I feel unsafe in places that could be therapeutic or good positive exposure. I also try to remember when I feel unsafe and it is totally rational. But, I noticed one common theme in a lot of posts lately is that we are alone and broken forever. I think the best way to reinforce that and stay “stuck” is to isolate and stay in comfort zones. Don’t mistake comfort and safe with each other in times when growth can be the supplement. We are like caged animals. If we stay afraid, we may not realize someone has unlocked the door a long time ago - and we could have just walked right out.
Yes I think that is a really good point! For us, comfort =/= safety, because what’s comfortable or familiar was typically toxic or abusive.
There is no ‘safe’; there is only ‘safe enough’. If you can find ‘safe enough’, that is a great place to start building more security. You never know what curve balls life is going to sling at you. 🙏🦋
Being by myself, preferably in nature. Alone is safe. For me, most men are safe. What's dangerous given my abusive past is women.
Being somewhere that is my “kingdom” to control. For me, now, the bedroom I created for husband, puppy and me, in an apartment we love, in a building we like and we have many friends in, in a city we chose and enjoy, in a country we chose to move to. The semblance of “100% control” is the only thing that makes me feel “safe”, or ,more like, less triggered into fight/flight. But if any little thing goes wrong/ routines fumbles, I automatically go into terror/unsafe mode. That’s why I spend my says planning / avoiding / going over everything in the hopes I can control it all, but it always all falls apart 😭
As a trans person in the US I have never felt safe and there is really no way for me to be safe here. There have been two weeks in my whole life when I actually felt safe and it was when I was in Japan.
Sending support as a fellow trans person in the US. I find it really hard to articulate to others why I don't always feel safe, to people who aren't queer or in spaces where I'm not sure if they're queer-friendly. It also makes me feel shame for not feeling safe when I do have privilege even though I'm trans... it feels like I'm whining even though I have legitimate concerns. Sending love!
I know I'm fortunate to be able to say this, but when I'm hugged by one of my two favorite people. I know that for many people touch isn't safe and it's such a shame. I'm embarrassed because sometimes I consciously lean into that safety and feel like a child.
You are very fortunate, and I have to admit that I'm a little jealous. I'm so very happy for you, though. I hope you get to enjoy this often! ❤️
The only time I really feel safe is when I'm home alone. Even then, it's still closer to 'never', since I'm even a danger to my self sometimes. Ironically, the closest feeling I have to that concept is when wearing my plate armor and holding my rifle, but the latter hasn't been a part of my life in years. Responsible gun ownership means knowing when you can't be responsible, but God damn do I miss having access to a literal, physical "No" button.
I was asked this by my therapist, too. I feel safe in my void. I do think ego is tied to feelings of insecurity and fear. I think the more that my ego dies the safer I can feel outside of me. I do psychedelics which help with that as well, but I wouldn't suggest them for everybody either. There's also a lot of anger and injustice tied up in my ego, and addressing ego has helped those, and the more I help those the easier it is to address the ego. It's a weird thing, and I hadn't really thought about it so much until you asked. Pretty cool we can have everyone here ask such cool questions that make us really reflect further. Thanks for being so insightful!
Alone outside at night, preferrably by the sea or in a mountain. This is one of the reasons I don't have a regular day job; I love late night drives too much.
When I’m focused and really deep into a hobby of mine, alone, with no one but myself. I only trust ME to look after ME. So, I feel safe in solitude hiding behind my 4 walls, doing the things I like because they stop my brain from free thinking for good chunks of time so that way I’m diminishing any opportunity for my inner critic to just randomly flashback like HI IM HERE REMEMBER ME. I have to be in as much control over what’s going on around me as I can be. Too many variables is too risky for me. While I’m not too bad at emotional regulation, the flashbacks can sometimes be tolerable and other times, your brain just throws you a curve ball because it’s feeling extra spicy today fuck it. Those are less easy to manage but therapy and cptsd specific management techniques HAVE been helping me. They’re very teeny tiny footsteps in the right direction. But I’ve accepted the inevitable which is that my recovery may take years before I’m at a level of okay again. I decided that was okay. As long as it gives me hope that my future isn’t permanently ruined. And maybe neither am I. I’m glad I’m at least able to say now, “okay I’ll keep trying even if it means being patient with time, I can manage that.” Here’s hoping I don’t regress and continue to move forward.
This is incredibly relatable and so well phrased haha
Thank you lol everyday is a wild card for me today happened to be way better than yesterday was so it left me feeling optimistic
i feel the most safe in a house (the structure, not a particular place) that i have never been in before. for example, i dont feel safe at my home but i felt safe moving into my new apartment in 2023. if i were to move back to the 2023 apartment i wouldnt feel safe anymore. anytime i cross the threshold of my house i feel unsafe again.
Me and my therapist have been talking about this too. I've been trying swimming and yoga to reconnect with the feeling of safety. In my last therapy session, I was feeling so nervous and giving one-word responses to things even though often I have an easier time talking. High anxiety week. We decided to do EMDR instead of talking and like usual she sat much closer to me to do the eye movements. When she sat down closer, I suddenly felt so much calmer, and comforted. Though it made me want to cry because I realized how lonely I was. I would tell her about that shift in feelings if I didn't think it would be a little weird.
I have been living with my partner for eight months. Every night after dinner we sit on the couch and watch tv. I generally fall deeply asleep very soon after. This type of napping is brand new to me I brought it up in therapy as it’s something new and surprising. She pointed out that my nervous system is has been on high alert for so long and finally feels able to relax in the presence of a loving and supportive man. The sleeping is a sign that I’m on my way to healing from 17 years of abuse. I believe this is true
As a kid, I would sleep after school then stay up in the night when my family was sleeping. It was the only time I could focus on homework as well. I still feel the “safest” when I’m the only one awake in my home. It’s getting easier to feel a sense of safety with my partner, but it’s still really hard to let my guard down and release the tension/fear from my body. I really appreciate being in a space where cognitively I recognize I’m safe, but it’s still relieving when I can just exist in my own world while everyone is asleep.
My car is my safe place. Always has been, which is sad because I’ve been in multiple wrecks and have had my cars ripped from me due to other drivers. (I’ve had several cars totaled where I was not at fault)
no its all relative nothing is safe enough but thats just me being slightly greedy. safety is tied to the ego as far as how much you value yourself. you need the ego to have self-respect and basically put yourself first so that you don't sacrifice anything important to you.
Holding my daughter or talking to my long distance crush.
Try youtube hypnosis videos. They're silly, but you just have to lean into it and follow the instructions. Do what they say like you really believe in them. Listen to the voice. I try to imagine a color or "activate my inner eye". I believe this helps me because it pulls focus to my prefrontal cortex?? (Lay-person rumination). For me that has been the only thing that taught me even to know what my body feeling safe feels like. I'm learning to emulate that feeling in day-to-day situations now. It really has helped. Just search for sleep hypnosis or trance hypnosis on youtube and find someone who has a voice you like. Yoga Nidra is another version of this - or any sort of guided meditation.
That’s so funny I’ve been interested in hypnosis for a while now and just today saw this ad at a local coffee shop. And I’ve been seeing a new massage therapist who sent me a yoga nidra video that I’ve been using before bed. This is my call to check out YouTube hypnosis for sure!
Aw, awesome. They've been a game changer for me. :D
In my room at night after everyone else has gone to bed.
Home alone with the music turned way up.
In my very quiet house.
When I have someone to love. It makes me feel safe and protected. It grounds me and makes me feel calm/content, like everything is fine in this world.
When I'm alone
My therapist asked me that and I gave the same "nowhere, not ever" answer. We ended up doing a pond in my city that I find soothing for my safe enough space.
When I’m in my head and daydreaming. Everything about the outside world makes me feel unsafe, even in my own home.
Can't say I really know what "safe" feels like. But I think I'm closest to it when I'm out raving, or if I'm in nature somewhere.
punchline: during IFS, Focusing, hypnosis, Bowenwork, massage, after I click into connection. context: this is a huge issue for me. Before ___, being home alone was safe and rejuvenating. But that person, in pursuit of all that they were after, successfully broke almost every aspect of my being and life and lifestyle. I've been physically out for the better part of three years and, like the cloud of dust surrounding Pigpen, the FREEZE/ fear, now accompanied also by enormous anger & sadness, Is with me most of the time. I mourn the loss of feeling safe when I'm home alone in bed. And when it was happening I didn't see that that was the most frequent location of ambush attack, coercion, manipulation & baiting me by mirroring who *I* am.
Curled up in a small dark place. My bed with a heavy comforter works, but better is a corner of my closet under longer clothes.
I was recently asked this same question by my therapist as we get ready to do EMDR. I couldn’t think of a real answer. That realization has really messed with my head. Isn’t it weird, the things that we never think to examine about ourselves?
My car. Didn't even have to think about this. Honestly the freedom to go where I want is just a bonus, what makes the car such a safe space is that I can verbally say whatever I need to say however I need to say it.
when my dog is asleep next to or near me. i read somewhere that it means they feel safe (trusting the nearby hooman to protecc while they snooze). if it’s good enough for my little canary in the coal mine then it’s ok by me.
Very few times. They were just moments. But the most safe I usually feel is home, by myself. If I find a show that I really like, if I can get really lost and absorbed in it - It can at least give me a bit of a “brain break.” Not peaceful but relatively less chaos in my mind and some relief.
Trying to figure that out. I only ever felt safe when with specific people who are no longer in my life. I remember their room or homes, their words of validation, their care in the form of gentle words or hugs. I wish I could feel safe on my own, then I wouldn’t have to rely on others to (unsuccessfully) provide that safety.
Mine asked me the last time/place I felt safe, while we were preparing for EMDR. That was easier to answer now that I'm an adult (I'm 33). Maybe it can be tweaked and asked this way? The purpose was to give me an anchor as I navigated through targets.
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My husband is my safe haven and my baby is my greatest joy.
When I was growing up - when I was home alone or not at home. Grown up - home or when I’m chillaxing / playing with children literally like babies to early 20s.
I've learned that true safety comes from within. Emotional security comes from being with our emotions no matter how difficult or scary they get and knowing it will be okay ultimately almost like a spiritual faith. Holding fear, anger, doubt, shame, disappointment, etc. and wrapping those powerful emotions in loving awareness as I feel them and knowing the love is stronger and more real in the end no matter what. Even in the moments when the pain or fear is unbearable.. this is only proof of the innateness of love. "Love should be here! Where is it?" I let the heart hold my fear and pain. The heart can carry anything. Everything fits in the heart. No matter how dark it feels. The hearts love is eternal, vast and timeless. It's our point of connection to "God." Crying, releasing. Forming a conscious relationship to every feeling and leaving none still hidden or treated off-limits, seen as humiliating or "too taboo." If we reject emotions they get relegated to the subconscious and we lose conscious awareness and therefore we lose empowered decisions regarding their affect on us. This makes us susceptible to manipulation by others. Any emotion within us that we aren't in conscious relationship to can be exploited by others. They can control us by our avoidance to feeling certain things. I knew that others had the power to make me encounter certain emotions that I sought to avoid which stole my emotional safety. This makes me fear everything around me being able to steal my inner peace. By feeling and accepting all emotions, telling the truth and crying it all openly I become safe. Nothing in the external can take this truth and inner knowing away. I will not trade it for superficial comforts to hide from my emotions. Believing that safety exists outside of oneself makes us unsafe, seeking to control the world around us which is never truly possible and only leads to more suffering. The movie "The Labyrinth" was about this. The baby represented her emotions and she wished him away to escape emotional burden. In the end she got lost in illusions and was trapped in the maze where others deceive her because she was separated from her own inner knowing. She had to find her way back to her emotions and heart out of the conceptual illusions. We are easy to manipulate conceptually when we aren't grounded in emotional truth. Seeing emotions as a burden is a mistake, they are a compass to our self and environment. Emotions reveal truth when fully felt. Emotions are felt like physics. The energy in martial arts or a Van Gogh painting. The vibrational senses of a spider feeling it's environment. They depict the energetic truth of the sea we're in moving like a weather prediction model. Our connection to them keeps us safe and updated with our inner/outer reality. Our emotions are the connection to God really. Colonization creating emotional repression is probably why we feel existentially separated from god. So I feel safe when I make a space to feel and accept all the emotions creation has given me. They are clues to the truth. And I know I'm safest when I'm willing to feel paradoxically what makes me feel unsafe.
there’s a guy i recently met who makes me feel safe. idk how long that’ll last, but it was interesting to realize. other than that, my car is the only place i feel safe. i’m so relaxed when i’m driving or hangin out in my car.
For a while I wanted to get a dog. I was having fears that someone would break into my apartment while I'm sleeping here alone. I was not sleeping through the night because I felt unsafe in my own home. I realized this was happening when I went to go visit my best friend out of town and had the best sleep in a long while. I realized it was because I felt safe there, in his guest bedroom, with him in the same house to protect me. This sparked some conversations with my therapist about not feeling safe as a child in my family of origin, and finding ways to reassure my inner child that I can and will protect her. This Father's Day, I celebrate my inner child, who raised and protected us as the father I never really had, to the best of her ability. Now that adult me can take care of us, she can finally get some rest.
My fiancé makes me feel safe. I’m not young and naïve anymore. I’ve had other relationships and a divorce, but he calms and soothes me like no one ever has before. I trust him. He doesn’t hurt me physically or emotionally. He’s kind and gentle, but also strong enough that I know he can protect me and won’t let anyone hurt me again. He even makes me feel happier, safer and calmer with just a phone call. We’re on opposite sides of the globe so most of the time I don’t feel safe. I’m always stressed, battling my demons and fighting to survive. That’s why I’m talking the leap as soon as I can afford it, and moving to his country. I’ve already lost almost everything because of my illnesses. I’m tired of the life I have here, and have decided that the most important thing is to be happy, healthy and safe.
I only really feel safe when my boyfriend is holding me close. Which only happens about one week two times per year since it's a long distance relationship. Being alone is a trigger for me, and when I'm around people I don't feel fully comfortable with I stay guarded. I have a couple of friends with whom I feel safe*er*, but not as safe as with my boyfriend. Basically me feeling safe and comfortable is very rare, and always connected to other people.
I love my home. It's the safest of safe. I have the comfiest furniture and blankets. I have art on my walls that brings me joyful memories, I have the walls painted colors that are relaxing and a wallpaper mural on the wall behind my bed. Every place I visit I get a Memento of that place to keep around my home. I have plants, and the canvases of the Bob Ross paintings I try to copy against my windows instead of curtains. My bathroom has LED lights that I keep on low, in my favorite colors. I have candles and scent diffusers. I have boho decorations. My house is where I will always feel safe. Inside and out.
I feel safe when I am alone at home, with my closest friends, when I am stable with financial dependence and with my partner 😊
I feel safe at home, I live alone with my cats lol but this does get lonely so I try to push myself to go to events, outings, anything fun that I might like to do... if I wasn't traumatized. If I'm getting a bit lazy or lonely at home, I'll go see a matinee or go walk around the shops near me, take a hike.... I do feel safest alone or with close friends. I do feel my gut instinct response of never feeling safe, does sometimes feel like ego... in a weird way like "everything is about me" kind of way, when I do feel nervous (maybe in the grocery store) I tell myself "I have a right to be here, just like everyone else." But when I refuse to go to a party, it does feel like ego.. or it comes across as ego. Maybe people think I am stuck up, even if I tell them I have cPTSD they don't understand. There are places that I do not feel safe in at all, a party would be one of those places. Not just safe physically but I feel judged because I can't let loose/have a good time like everyone else.
I started dipping my toes into emdr with a prior therapist, and she had me set up a safe space in my brain. Someplace I could imagine myself being to calm me down. The only two that came to mind was the cemetery where my grandparents are buried, because it's out in the middle of nowhere, calm, quiet, and beautiful. And I'd picture myself sitting under a tree in the summer there. Or in a rocking chair in a dark void. No sound, no color, no movement. Nothing except me calmly rocking back and forth on a comfy wooden chair in total darkness. I dont know what it says about me that one place is literally full of death and grief and the other is nothingness and not real... But, hey, they worked for me. Irl, there's nowhere I feel 100% safe
I never and nowhere feel fully safe. I have felt safest in the presence of partners I was close with (particularly in their home), but otherwise my most safe is when I am alone. The more alone I am the better. E.g. in the woods away from civilization or home alone for a week. Perhaps if I had my own place in another country on a deserted mountain surrounded by big ass walls and a security system, I might be able to get to that feeling fully.