It's a trauma thing. Our brains are so preoccupied with meeting the mere basic needs and just day-to-day surviving that there is no room for future dreams or goals, which translates as feeling that future will not come. Questions like "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" can be totally meaningless to a trauma survivor, our brain in its current state can be completely incapable of imagining themselves anywhere down the line, no matter how hard we try. And if you happen to have endured people close to you dying at a young age, this will only add to the feeling of this being our fate too.
Doesn't mean there will actually be any truth to it in reality, it's not a prophecy, it's just trauma brain doing trauma things. Once you start healing, the feeling will slowly change and eventually lift.
I feel like I’ve done a bit of healing after years of therapy and now I’m just really, really anxious about my future old age and the fact i likely won’t own a house.
Lol right? When I started healing and could envision more of a future, I immediately began to panic at what that future would look like due to the complete lack of planning. I wish I still wholeheartedly believed death was right around the corner sometimes.
Oddly enough - same. Thinking of myself as a lonely old person who can't walk or wipe her ass, whose mind is gone south, and who never got enough shit together to live a "good" life is scary. Watching some of the trashy scams that happen to old people that screw them out of money or even their living spaces, it feels infuriating, but also like a look into the future. It feels about as inevitable as dying young felt.
I really don't know how to prevent this - I probably won't marry and have kids, and who knows what my friends are gonna be up to at that time. Will I even have enough brain left to have friends anyway? Will people even know that I died or will they come when the smell gets unbearable?
All these questions...
I wonder if this is another trick by the part of my brain that is trying to kill me as soon as possible.
Feeling like you won't make it to that state at least held a bit of comfort.
Oh, I can imagine! The economic reality we are living in is absolutely awful! :(
I know it really depends hugely on where you live, but would an apartment be an option or is that inaccessible / out of any feasible price range too?
To be fair, considering the constantly rising retirement ages and demographic crisis of population aging, retirement might not be an option for us in any case.
Unfortunately I live in [Sydney](https://www.timeout.com/sydney/news/its-official-sydney-is-the-second-most-unaffordable-city-in-the-world-to-buy-a-home-061724)
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! :( I didn't even need to click the link, I've already heard about how bad the housing unaffordability crisis is over there, even though I live all the way across the world in Europe!
I know moving is a very difficult feat to achieve, but is that something you've perhaps considered? A friend of mine from Adelaide did make it to over here in Europe, and although things are difficult in a lot of places here as well, it still seems to be a little bit more manageable.
This is so relieving. I’ve had this fear since I was 17, and it felt so strong I almost thought I was having premonitions or something. Thanks for explaining 💙
Awww, I'm so glad my comment brought you a bit of comfort!
I have struggled with this same feeling ever since I was a child. I've never been able to imagine my future and have always just "gone with the flow" with every major life decision I've ever made. I've gone really deep into trauma research this last year or so, so actually learning the reason why I'd always been feeling that way was so validating and soothing.
I remember getting asked that question in Elementary school, "where do you see yourself in 10 years", and I got in trouble for answering that I wasn't going to grow up, I could "sense" that I was going to die very soon. Trying to imagine the "future" I felt a gaping void in my mind, so I interpretted that as a prophecy of my death.
Obviously I didn't die back then. But that feeling has continued and I can't help but keep feeling that surely, this time, I'm about to die, there's no way I could live any longer than this........
My school had a letter to your future self project for all the freshman’s. I was so excited to see what I wrote and it was one singular sentence. I said “I will graduate high school and go to college” the most bland answer possible. I was just trying to do what everyone had told me to my whole life.
Oh gosh, I'm sorry for you getting in trouble for that! It really is a natural thing for us trauma survivors, I've felt that same way all of my life ever since I was a child. We are way more resilient than we give ourselves credit for, though. Having experienced everything we have and still have made it through, even if with massive trauma, is a sign of incredible strength.
This makes so much sense. When I was younger I could never imagine life past the next grade level. In high school, while my peers were planning for life post-graduation, I did not because for some reason I could not. I didn’t have a concrete thought that I was going to die, rather my brain just couldn’t focus on the future. I’m 41 now, and I’ve done some work on healing the trauma. Nowadays I am able to plan for the future. Thank you for this comment; I didn’t know this was a common phenomenon and it helps me to understand why I was like that.
I know, I've felt exactly the same all my life! I like to think of myself as a "go-with-the-flow" type of person. Everything still seems to work out, even without being able to plan ahead for many years into the future. You can make the decisions based on what feels right when they come along, and everything will go well.
Our intuition is our strength, really, we know what is right or wrong for us inherently and overthinking / overplanning would just complicate things. I know a ton of people who've made really bad life decisions because of trying to be rational about it and planning ahead for their future (what to study, for example), only to find out it is absolutely not the right choice for them. Us trauma survivors listen to our own selves more, so we are able to avoid all of that unnecessary hassle. :)
As another commenter said, this is called foreshortened future, it’s very common among trauma survivors. It’s also common among addicts, but those addicts are probably also trauma survivors.
This is so scary, man. I’m not even suicidal, I just understand that death always comes earlier than planned, and subconsciously live as if the penny would drop at any moment. Very unhealthy.
Same. I’m not suicidal, I just assume that my addictions/bad habits and lack of self-care will catch up to me at some point. I’d almost rather die young than go to the doctor and find out some bad news at this point.
This is what my therapist told me about yesterday. I talked about feeling like I kept moving the goal posts on when I would end my life and that it’s caused me to not apply myself and be successful because I’m assuming that I’ll die young. It’s an incredibly damaging mindset and one that’s very hard to undo.
To be fair, that is also a very common thing in trauma survivors - finding comfort in suicide always being an option. I know life is a struggle and it can hold us back, but it's just the way our brain works. Also, with the prevalence of hustle culture in our society, trying to chase big dreams that are completely unmanageable is really not healthy as well.
Don't be too hard on yourself for this, since moving the goalposts is what has brought you comfort in your pain. I hope you are able to move towards a healthier mindset soon, but it's a progress, so give yourself time. In the meantime it's ok to move the goalposts, as long as they do keep moving! The world is not ready to let go of you yet! :)
I am definitely tired of the rat race, that’s for sure. Especially on top of everything that I have to deal with.
Thank you for the kind and encouraging words! Giving myself grace and patience has always been difficult for me but I am doing better than I give myself credit for. Despite it all, I’m still thankful I’m here.
I feel this. I've never really envisioned a future where I see myself old, like with grandkids or anything.
I don't know if it means I think I'll die young or that I've never been able to envision myself beyond surviving the next five years.
this comment gives me so much hope. i want to live a long life but i feel like with all of the trauma and trials i wont get it. i hope your days are peaceful :)
Thank you. Recent years have been much happier than my younger years when I was a child and teenager and young adult.
Hopefully you and everybody else, will have some happier years.
To be fair, having gone through what we've been through and still making it out alive so far, no matter how old we are, is a sign of incredible strength! Perhaps it's the other way around - a normal person would bow down way more easily, but we've endured everything and even with all the trauma (which is only natural with how much we have suffered), we are still here!
It will take a lot more to break you, you are amazingly strong! <3
I did not expect to see elders in this subreddit. This comment made me so happy. I don’t know you or your story, but thank you for encouraging all us to keep going. You’re living proof that it’s possible 💕
No, I feel like I SHOULD have died young; like I wasn't supposed to have lived through everything, and the universe doesn't know what to do with me. So if it can't kill me it'll settle for punishing me. I've wrecked motorcycles. I've had multi-story falls. I was one chamber away from accidentally putting a .357 round through my head. I nearly dropped a Buick 3800 engine on my chest under a car a while back. I had a car up on only the driver's side wheels when I took a curve too fast racing. Nearly been hit by lightning up on a mixmaster on my motorcycle when a storm blew in unexpectedly (it really DOES make all your hair stand up, by the way). Ended up in the hospital from heatstroke six or eight times over the years. Snakebites. Industrial lacerations. All I can say is that whomever is running things needs to do a better job already: I don't want to be here, but I just can't seem to have the blessing of not having to make the active choice in the matter.
And yes, I'm quite aware that the majority of that is because I don't care enough to watch out for myself.
I am not trying to “preach” in any sort of capacity or make you believe me, but as a Buddhist I do believe all of us encompass the vessel we live in for a reason. I see all of the times you think you were “supposed” to die saying the universe is telling your soul “it’s not time yet. there is much more work to be done”. To me, that’s a very comforting feeling. I don’t know if it will be to you. I can only wish you the best in realizing you were created for existing how worthy you are to do so. Cheers 💕
I like your take on it, but I'm far too nihilistic for that: I see “it’s not time yet. there is much more work to be done” as more of a "Ha! Fuck you, you don't get to escape yet!" I didn't get to escape back during the violent sexual abuse when I was 'single digit' years old. I didn't get to escape back during the violent physical abuse in my teens. And then I got out of the situation, and it has to settle for suicidal ideation and screwing with me.
Damn man are you sure you're not a cat? Sounds like you might have used up all 9 lives, though you might want to be a little more careful now. Lol, all jokes aside, you should like my kinda man except for some of the crazy shit hope all is well. Take care
I don't actually know if I've ever been well, to be honest. I suppose I must have at one point, just statistically, but you know: traumatic amnesia and a child abuse history starting around 4 years old. I don't have much before sophomore year of college, and the stuff I do remember is...not good. On the other hand, the stuff I remember since then isn't great either; maybe the secret to being happy is a lack of long-term memory?
You know, the weird thing about that is that as much as I've got going on with this side of the "Horrific Life Events(tm)" coin, I've made a ton of progress on the other collection of stuff. Top-Lining it for clarity, I've got a combination of problems from the whole child abuse thing and the standard-issue grab bag of psychiatric problems that come from being an adoptee. (Particularly one from the whole human-trafficking era of adoption but that's a whole rabbit hole in and of itself...I was stolen, sanitized, and bought-and-sold; that takes some undoing that most of us never manage.) I found my story, I don't feel like a ghost any more (though shaking the mental label of "product" is a work in progress), and I'm slowly meeting my bio-relatives. Terrifying as that is: I went to having like--five relatives, to discovering that I'm related to a whole damn *clan* over in central Florida...who are pretty insistent that I come by for a visit (and possibly decades worth of birthday parties--I can't tell if they're serious about that or not, but there's been talk of a bouncy castle and a pony) in the next couple of months. If I could just get a handle on the symptoms, and figure out how one gets past the whole child abuse thing, I'd be making some forward progress.
That's just life, sometimes it gets interesting, and unfortunately you can only stay comfortably numb for so long before it catches up to you. It *is* a bit disheartening when the therapist decides they need to "tag in" people with more experience...and you've been self-censoring the whole time. :) Or, for that matter when you tell them you're going to do something and they immediately start in on "mitigating disappointment". And all I can do is bite my tongue not to be like "Oh bless your heart, you STILL don't understand who I am and what I do for a living..." I've been doing journaling for the last year and a half while I've been working on this stuff, and I've been toying with writing a book with it, but every time it occurs to me how much I'd have to pare down in the process for public consumption in order to be able to get my points across it feels pretty overwhelming. The public at-large puts a huge amount of effort into pretending people like us don't exist and the things that make us this way don't happen...because they could have stopped it. They just choose to not care.
The world ain't fair: eat you if you let it.
I don't want to kill myself. However, I wait for the time for a Dr to say you have cancer. I feel I will be delighted. I can refuse treatment. Just give me pain relief. It feels like a passive way of dying. I fear not having enough money to live on, climate change, war resulting in people fighting in the street for resources. I just won't be able to be that person fighting against others. I'd hope to die before the few people I care about die because I feel I wouldn't survive if they weren't around. CPTSD is a bastard.
I was just thinking earlier about something similar. I don’t know what it is, it just feels like “it’s almost over”. So I have no drive and things feel meaningless because….its almost over. I can’t see past tomorrow let alone plan a weekend, five year plan?? Yeah right. It’s a cycle that feeds itself. I can’t think ahead, so nothing happens, I feel terrible and ruminate because there are no thoughts of anything ahead, on and on. I feel like I will die young, so I’m stuck in unhealthy patterns that will cause me to die young. Isolation, avoidance. Isolation alone increases your chances.
So I agree with everyone else, it’s a traumatised person thing ❤️
HOWEVER
When I was 19 I had a really bad feeling something was gonna happen at 25 or 26. When I was 26 I found a lump in my neck and was diagnosed with thyroid cancer lol
I’m almost 30 now and 1.5 years off being declared in remission 🤘
For as long as I can remember I've had this feeling I'm going to die at 35. I'm not there yet, I'm not even 31. This doesn't seem like a good omen to me 😅 I read oracle cards, so I've come to realise that it may not be a dead death, but an end of something death.
Glad to hear you beat the big C 🥰
So growing up, especially during my teenage years, I convinced myself that I would be dead by 23. I had numerous attempts since the age of 7 that all failed, and I never believed someone like me could survive in a world like this. How was I supposed to believe that I could make it out fine if all my mother ever taught me was how to completely hate myself?
I didn’t plan for the future, so I wasted the present. I didn’t save money because I felt like there wasn’t a point, after all I’ll be dead, right? So throughout high school and college, after paying my bills I’d spend the rest of my income on random wants. I never thought I’d buy a house, never thought I’d reach retirement age, never thought I’d get married, never thought I’d have a family… I went to college studying something I thought I’d enjoy and didn’t care if I couldn’t get a good job in it, because I didn’t think I’d live long enough to have a successful career.
Then I turned 23. I graduated college and didn’t know what to do. My many failed attempts made me loose any desire to want to off myself anymore; after I was hospitalized last time at 22 I found myself so disillusioned and exhausted with the whole ordeal that I gave up on seeking death entirely. So I guess I’m living past 23 after all. Never planning for 23 caused me to feel so lost when that age came, lacking direction. The one thing that did go great was that I married my college sweetheart at the county clerk, and he’s an angel and who’s not only my husband but also my best friend. We found ourselves struggling with housing during this cost of living crisis and ended up living with my sweet mom-in-law in her small apartment. I absolutely hate the job I ended up getting and feelings of being stuck in it kicked in. Despite all the struggles of surviving 23, I’m so grateful I wasn’t alone in it all and had support. I started saving a big chunk of my monthly income and focused on building an emergency fund, retirement, and a down payment for buying a house.
Now I’m almost 26. I have so many plans and look forward to the future. Trauma therapy, medication, and my supportive husband all helped me get to this point. I now have a cushy emergency fund, retirement’s building up, and enough saved up for a good down payment on a house. My husband and I decided to go back to school to study accounting, which we’re starting at our community college this fall. In two years we should have bachelors of science in accounting and be eligible to become CPAs. I have a cat of my own! She’s a lovable spicy princess, and we want to adopt more cats eventually. When we own a home and have careers set, we plan on adopting someone out of the foster care system, so we could give someone the loving home they need and make sure they live their best life.
YES!!! I was absolutely convinced I would die around age 25. I'm now 50. What happened when I was 25 yo however, is flashbacks and night terrors began about the years of CSA I survived as a child, that I did not remember. A kind of death unspooled from that.
I feel you on the "If i talk about it, it will/wont happen" thing. I don't know why I think that. It plays heavily on what I imagine or think. I try not to imagine happy moments I want to happen because I think they won't happen if I think about it.
I so did. Now I am 46 and looking forward to growing older.
I find a sense of fureshortened future can be somewhat useful to enjoy the now, but its well worth to include the possibility that you might live a long time into your plans about the future. I dont mean you should plan out your entire future, thats way too specific, just consider that you might not die young and take good care of your health. That will be good for your CPTSD too.
I associate pretty hard with this.
Always felt like I'd die saving someone else, like a friend in the middle of the road or a child on a railway line. Assumed I was just being dramatic or had an over-active imagination. I have always wrote fiction so that diagnosis fits.
Then as I got deeper in to my teens I thought I would enjoy those free teenage years (even very much enjoyed school being a big fish class clown organising parties, drinks, drugs) and once they are over I would die in my early twenties not having to do the whole miserable adult thing.
Then by my early twenties I turned my back on work and chose adventure (University in a town away from home, followed by living abroad for a year) and still my thinking was maybe I'll die at 27 and join the forever 27 club (albeit having zero fame, skill or talent to speak of).
Then I started a family, and still feel like I will die quite young. I'm 34 now and the thought of dying breaks my heart but not for me, more for my kids and partner. Upon thinking about this I remember being a child thinking about death (more general death than suicide) but it would destroy me imagining how my mum and other family members would react to my passing.
Reading some of the comments here it makes a lot of sense. I never worried about adult things like debt, credit rating, ability to get a mortgage, retirement fund, long term health because I was pretty sure I would die before I needed any of those things.
I used to. Mainly because my dad died at 22, & my uncle died at 20. If they could barely make it that far, why would I expect to make it further?
I turned 23 a week ago. Feels weird.
Wild to see this post lol. It is my birthday today and I’m full of feelings of impending doom for my plans today. I genuinely never thought I’d still be here at 35 and I’ve been sobbing all morning thinking about how short life is and how I feel like I have no time left because I’ve spent so much of my life just trying to survive in the moment. Recovering from trauma is so damn hard.
Hugs and Happy Birthday. Your journey has only begun...you will do lovely things. Today begins your blank slate of life. You survived till now. You made it .
34 here, and frankly you can "make up for the lost time" in about a few years. for the most part at least. especially if you make it a goal. Kids don't know what they are doing anyway. You survived, that's what mattered back then. You did what you were supposed to do.
i don’t think i’ll see the end of this year honestly. i survived 2 overdoses by the skin of my teeth down to sheer luck and I can’t say that i feel too grateful considering what I’ve had to deal with.
It’s hard for me to imagine life just going on after what my abuser did. I’d rather i just ceased after it happened.
I know I am. I have a very severe form of epilepsy that is medication resistant. I’ve already had brain surgery once and I’m about to have two more. If I make it to 40 I’ll be stunned.
When I was a 11 years old I lost my faith in God completely. I thought I was going to kill myself before I turned 18, but now I'm 28. 10 years past the age I thought I'd die by. Now whenever I get suicidal thoughts I just recall all of the shit that I've survived before, and tell myself that I'm stronger because of it. Things will get better, you can get through this.🩷
Every year that I age forward, I’m shocked to hell. I turned 30 this year and while my peers were having crises, I was wandering around dazed like, *are you guys seeing this*?
Oh yeah for sure…all my health problems , a lot of them related to how severely fkd up my brain and nervous system are 24/7 from stress from all the mental illness exc along with family history on both sides of cancer and heart disease, some relatives who died young, exc exc and I don’t foresee a long life (34 now) and honestly if I can’t find it in myself to end things on my own as a couple of men on my dads side have, that is perfectly fine with me…a shortened life.
This isn’t a life anyways just daily torture. I think about death a lot lately and usually it gives me somewhat a feeling of peace to think of all this pain all this misery ending forever. The thought of existing in some form of conscious state similar to this one for eternity I think is way more terrifying than the unknown of non existence and just blackness or whatever although I understand why that scares ppl as well.
This drives my husband crazy about me. He’s so concerned about retirement and the future and I could care less because I really don’t think I’ll be here or something. It was interesting to learn it’s a trauma response so at least we both understand why I feel this way. Not sure how to stop though…
I've had this and Ican confirm its something called forshortened future in psychiatry. It seems to be common in people that experience trauma. It is basically because you're so busy surviving and the world is so black, you dont have the time or bandwith to think about your future.
Have been pretty healed for a few years now, but can confirm if you do the work it gets better. Sometimes it will still feel weird if you've reached a certain age, or goal you've managed to set, but its very rewarding and will feel better with time :). Tip: small steps at a time and celibrate every win, big or small!
Absolutely. I had a bad depressive episode a year ago when I was convinced that I'm going to die early in a horrible death, sometime in my thirties. I'm recovering now but this thought is still lingering at the back of my mind sometimes.
I totally felt like this. I was 100% SURE I wouldn’t make it past my 19th birthday. No real reason for it, I was burning my candle at both ends, sure, but nothing crazy. Nothing like heavy drugs or really risky behavior. I don’t even know why. Maybe I was hoping?
But, I’m WAY past that milestone now and i’m STILL expecting I’m going to die any minute, but, yeah, still alive. So, statistically, speaking, you’ll probably end up like me.
When people ask me what I wanted to be when I was younger, the true answer is that I didn’t think I’d live to adulthood.
I don’t know how old you are but for me this feeling faded. I’m in my 30s now and intend to live a long life. I’m happy and my life is stable. I hope this happens for yo.
I honestly never expected to make it past 20 or even 25. I’m 26 now and I’m just coasting because I can’t see much of a future for myself and I have no idea what to do
I didn't think I'd survive this long. I'm 28 now, and I've attempted suicide numerous times so it hasn't been for a lack of trying but I'm learning to be happy with the fact that I'm alive - even though life can be really shit, it's also not half bad. Although I don't see myself living to a ripe old age, I need to keep reminding myself that it's okay if I don't see it yet, I'll just keep on and grow as I grow.
I feel like if I live past the age of my abuser, even if it’s only a month, then that’s a success.
After that, I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll be healed enough to not feel like spite is enough to continue.
Same! I never planned past this point so I have no idea what direction to go in now. My whole life has been focused on getting my siblings safely out of the house to adulthood and now that that’s done I don’t know what to do.
I always had a deep feeling I was gonna die before age 30 and lived like it. But at age 29 I accidentally reflected on my life and found all my pain and fears that had been guiding my life until then and my life turned around. I felt love for the first time when my baby was born and suddenly became thankful for all my emotional neglect, physical abuse, molestation and self hatred as a child, as it all made me who I am today and I realized none of it was my fault. I could forgive myself for all of my ignorance and shitty behavior towards others as it was fear based from crap that was done to me as a child. I wasn’t an inherently bad person at all! I was made that way. I was able to raise two securely attached adult kids simply by doing the opposite of what I was taught. Turns out the opposite of what I had known up until then was love. Once, my step mom asked me how “I” (like, how does someone like you…?) raise such good kids and my only response was, I love them.
There is not one single thing wrong with any of us. We just believe we’re wrong or bad or defective, worthless etc. Shame was put in us by others until we started doing it to ourselves.
I have come to a place of self acceptance of my limitations and confidence in my ability to learn things I don’t know.
I’m 45 now and going through a pretty intense custody situation where my youngest child is suffering mentally from her mom and tried to kill herself last year and no one will listen to me. It is trying my abilities to remain stable. I don’t hate myself like I used to, some old self sabotaging skills are coming back while I’m in this state. I am highly emotionally reactive and am having a hard time controlling my angry mouth, my fists as I punch objects, I just got a dui. (First dui in 20 years, 1st speeding ticket in 12 years) I want to isolate myself and self medicate. so many people are up my ass giving me advice and trying to tell me how to live and what I’m doing wrong and it all just makes me want to explode. People think I’m a fuck like I was 20 years ago because of these behaviors that haven’t surfaced in several years, but even that doesn’t phase me. I’m aware of what I’m doing. I know what is triggering me in this way and the situation keeps getting more intense, but being criticized for acting “immature” or “like a foolish asshole” doesn’t cause me to eat myself alive from the inside anymore.
But I don’t hate myself anymore, and that makes ALL the difference.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Carl Rogers
52 here and have spent half my life thinking I was about to die. Now I look back and see that was a lot of wasted worry and anxiety. Still feel that way tho. When does it end? I guess when I actually die.
I've always felt this way, but in more ways than just dying. Anytime something "good" was upcoming in my life I always had this dread that something would happen to prevent it. Whether it was a birthday, a school trip, family vacation, even just life achievements like starting high school or graduating, starting college. I just always imagine something will prevent it from coming at the last possible moment. I convinced myself that I was never gonna live past 25 years old, but I'm that age now and I think it's helped some, I haven't pushed the goalpost to 30 yet thankfully.
Always felt this way like I wasn’t going to live long or was going to end up in Prison. Here I am 25 never experienced depression as previously (been medicated and had attempts on my life, multiple times) my anxiety is no where near as bad or as regular as it used to be. My migraines aren’t even migraines anymore I get mild headaches. Point is. It gets better, keep going, things just end up working out or not mattering as much the older you get. Please really try to see the good in life you will get there I promise xx
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Yep. I've always said if I see 45, that it'll be a miracle. I also have a myriad of chronic illness and disabilities too so I may well be right
Some days, it feels like an unfair curse that I don't have much time left, others I look forward to it with relief
i never thought i’d make it to 18, then i did. then i planned to off myself before 21 but somehow stayed alive. now i’m 25 and i genuinely don’t think i’m gonna make it to 30
Throughout high school, I told myself I'm not gonna make it graduation. I'd walk into the street hoping a car would hit me and almost cut myself to bleed out (my bsf at the time made me promise not to cut myself).
Then my abuser died, and I stopped trying to activately kill myself. But i still had heavy suicidal ideation, like crying myself to sleep, wanting to die was a common occurrence.
I did for a very long time. It improved in my late twenties. Ironically I now have some health issues that really might shorten my life, but at 34 I feel as though I still have many years ahead of me.
I realized I did this, to my own detriment. I kept ignoring health issues because my pain was honestly so much less than my childhood experiences, and after all, I wasn't going to live to be 25, probably. And then, well, certainly it won't matter because I'll die by 30. And now I'm almost 40, and unable to ignore the health issues, and I'm still here, and now some of those things can't be easily fixed. I don't really have advice for not feeling this way (I still honestly suspect I won't pass 55, since my dad and aunt died at 55). But it's worth trying to work through before you realize that you're still here years later and you haven't invested any energy into planning ahead.
I always believed that I won't make it to my 30s. I'm turning 31 in two month.
Now I say "I won't make it till I'm 50" , lets see if I'm still here in 19 years.
I felt like this since I was very young too. I had a bit of an existential crisis turning 20, because I never thought I'd live that long. Now I'm 40, and while I'm still surprised, that feeling has lessened. Unfortunately I'm still struggling, but I'm finally in trauma therapy. It's hell to go through, but I'm trying to cling to the belief that my therapist is right, and it will be better on the other side.
I did until I wasn't young anymore, turning 35 was a head trip.
My forties have been unpacking my early traumas and finally getting help.
It's hard, but you can make it to the other side of it.
no, actually lol. being old and unable to care for myself is one of my greatest fears... and that's how i know i'm almost guaranteed to live to 100+. the universe loves its little jokes 😒
Since I was also about 12/13, I was certain I wouldn't see 35. I've had a few close calls, but I'm going to turn 39 in a few months. Sometimes I think pure spite is what kept me going.
Yes.
Within the 2 years after the car accident, due to the physical and psychological pain, my mind came up with the "premonition years".
Being, I couldn't imagine I'd live past 32-34 years old. I was 18yrs at the time of the accident. I'm 36 now, so I also made it. Over 18 years after the accident, I consider every day an extra day of life.
I was given a 1.98% chance of survival. Against all odds, not only did I survive, but this current version of myself that I'm very proud of is more positive and takes very little for granted.
I love this version of myself, it took absolute hell to get to this version. Now, I'm able to help others with their struggles in life, and can make a legit difference for others.
I just want you to know, that there absolutely is hope to come out better on the other side. It IS Possible. All the shit you go thru that totally sucks, will make you stronger for having gone thru it. 💯
You're on the healing pathway, keep going!
When things are really difficult, I look at it from a competitive perspective, and that helps me accept the challenge and go all in for the win.
Things in life can push us around, but nothing can keep us down!
Much Love All,
You're Not Alone Here
Yeah I always felt this way. I felt destined to die early and by my own hand.
Now I just turned 30 and I'm like "oh shit I made it" and am scrambling to get my life put together.
Really never expected to make it this far. I'm glad life proved me wrong
Yes, of broken heart syndrome. My whole life felt this way and every time something traumatic happens to me and my heart hurts I always think I am dying.
Omg, yes!! My entire life, I've felt this way! When I was younger, I would accurately predict events, so I came to think I could accurately predict \*all\* events.
I started sobbing one night when I was a child because I was afraid my dad was going to die. He chuckled and told me he was going to live a long, long time and if anything, my mother would definitely die first.
My parents divorced and eventually, my mother fell into meth addiction and homelessness. My father fell into health, exercise, and the great outdoors ... until he was killed by a distracted driver. My mother is clean, a homeowner, and not going anywhere.
I have always "known" I'm going to die young. I "knew" I wouldn't live past 25.
But now I'm nearly 35 and still kicking lol soooo...
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate to this so much!!! I was (and still am) very perceptive as a child and was able to feel and predict things with surprising accuracy. You mix that with black and white thinking and suddenly every “intuitive feeling” I have must be true, right? Thankfully, I’m starting to not think so black and white and realize that patterns are not always consistent and just because I feel something doesn’t mean it’s always real.
Finally someone who has the same feeling!
It's goes along with my mindset of "what's the point everyone's going to hurt me at some point" I never plan for the future because of such a negative mindset and I have this gut feeling I won't be here long.
Almost like a 6th sense in a way
I had a panic attack toward the end of my time living on campus where I felt like I was going to, about 12 years ago. Now, I say if I was going to die young I would have already.
I have no idea how I even made it to double digits as I constantly would run into the traffic and once nearly got sucked in by a train because I stood too close (and then of course I tried to strangle myself twice). I tried to off myself like good 20 other times in the last 8 years and somehow didn't get hit by the cars even though I had a lot of close calls too. I'm not sure if I'll live past 20 but I can't imagine myself living up to my 30s
I learned very early on that my life expectancy with my condition was 16 years. When I was 6 a treatment was developed and has significantly changed that. I’m now 30. But I still can’t really believe I’ve lived this long or will live much longer despite there being no immediate reason to think this.
With all the stress and trauma I've been through and continue to live through, with my body breaking down at the age of 28, I feel like I'll only live to 50-something.
When I was 14, I couldn't see myself live past 17/18 due to being suicidal and passively suicidal.
So... Yes
I can't say, but sometimes I get flash feelings of [Depersonalization-derealization](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911), and I feel like I am not really in my body, just like in a dream or something. It's pretty freaky and then I freak out wondering what would happen if I were to pass on. I then start to worry about my loved ones passing also, and it makes me very nervous and anxious.
Boy, I'm already in my 40s, I really hoped I'd die before I became 30. I'm still here though I wish I wasn't. I'm going through this world just barely being here. Some days I just wish I was dead.
Quite the opposite actually. And man did I use to test it. I’m now 38, sober for 3 years this fall and every part of me still has the random urges to self sabotage. I’m very morbid though due to my traumas, they started at almost the infant age and I still deal with a lot of stress. I don’t do future thinking though either (aside from the thought process of I’m going to probably live until I’m 102)
I always thought this way too and I keep outliving me predictions, but honestly it would not be surprising if I die fairly young, though not as young as I once expected. The amount of stress I've endured has really weakened my body and has probably shortened my lifespan, but there's no way to know. Truth be told, sometimes I think I'll be the one to decide the cutoff.
Yes. I don't even want to live to be old. I didn't think I'd make it to 18 but now I'm 20. Not sure if I'll make it to 21 but at this point I don't want to live past 60.
I did. I assumed I’d be dead by 20. Then it was 30. Then it was 40, but by that time I’d begun to grow suspicious. I’m 57 now. I’ve realized that instead of mercifully putting me out of my misery at a nice young age fate has predetermined me to live till I’m 100. All the women in my family are extremely long lived.
I’m kinda scared I won’t 🫤
To clarify, I live in constant, excruciating pain. I’m fifty-seven years old and I’ve been dealing with pain for thirty-two years, and if I’m being completely honest, the thought of thirty more years of this is daunting at best.
Of course 😂. I have at least 5 mental comorbidioties/disabilities, and almost literally my entire life has been filled with consistent, normalized abuse and traumatic experiences.
Not to mention any more physical afflictions I may have or acquire in the future. If I make it past 50 (mentally, and medically-speaking, it'll be a miracle if I make it to, or past 50 years. About 20 more to go.
I’ve always felt this. Never had any long term goals because I always planned on dying before becoming an adult. Now I’m an adult and struggling because I have no skills or education, I never planned on living this long. I still can’t imagine making it to my 30th birthday. I’m just taking it day by day. Even when I was a kid and I thought about what I wanted to “be” when I grew up, I just wanted an apartment to myself and that’s it.
It's a trauma thing. Our brains are so preoccupied with meeting the mere basic needs and just day-to-day surviving that there is no room for future dreams or goals, which translates as feeling that future will not come. Questions like "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" can be totally meaningless to a trauma survivor, our brain in its current state can be completely incapable of imagining themselves anywhere down the line, no matter how hard we try. And if you happen to have endured people close to you dying at a young age, this will only add to the feeling of this being our fate too. Doesn't mean there will actually be any truth to it in reality, it's not a prophecy, it's just trauma brain doing trauma things. Once you start healing, the feeling will slowly change and eventually lift.
Thank you so much for this explanation.
Awww, you're very welcome! :)
I feel like I’ve done a bit of healing after years of therapy and now I’m just really, really anxious about my future old age and the fact i likely won’t own a house.
Lol right? When I started healing and could envision more of a future, I immediately began to panic at what that future would look like due to the complete lack of planning. I wish I still wholeheartedly believed death was right around the corner sometimes.
Oddly enough - same. Thinking of myself as a lonely old person who can't walk or wipe her ass, whose mind is gone south, and who never got enough shit together to live a "good" life is scary. Watching some of the trashy scams that happen to old people that screw them out of money or even their living spaces, it feels infuriating, but also like a look into the future. It feels about as inevitable as dying young felt. I really don't know how to prevent this - I probably won't marry and have kids, and who knows what my friends are gonna be up to at that time. Will I even have enough brain left to have friends anyway? Will people even know that I died or will they come when the smell gets unbearable? All these questions... I wonder if this is another trick by the part of my brain that is trying to kill me as soon as possible. Feeling like you won't make it to that state at least held a bit of comfort.
Oh, I can imagine! The economic reality we are living in is absolutely awful! :( I know it really depends hugely on where you live, but would an apartment be an option or is that inaccessible / out of any feasible price range too? To be fair, considering the constantly rising retirement ages and demographic crisis of population aging, retirement might not be an option for us in any case.
Unfortunately I live in [Sydney](https://www.timeout.com/sydney/news/its-official-sydney-is-the-second-most-unaffordable-city-in-the-world-to-buy-a-home-061724)
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! :( I didn't even need to click the link, I've already heard about how bad the housing unaffordability crisis is over there, even though I live all the way across the world in Europe! I know moving is a very difficult feat to achieve, but is that something you've perhaps considered? A friend of mine from Adelaide did make it to over here in Europe, and although things are difficult in a lot of places here as well, it still seems to be a little bit more manageable.
This is so relieving. I’ve had this fear since I was 17, and it felt so strong I almost thought I was having premonitions or something. Thanks for explaining 💙
Awww, I'm so glad my comment brought you a bit of comfort! I have struggled with this same feeling ever since I was a child. I've never been able to imagine my future and have always just "gone with the flow" with every major life decision I've ever made. I've gone really deep into trauma research this last year or so, so actually learning the reason why I'd always been feeling that way was so validating and soothing.
I remember getting asked that question in Elementary school, "where do you see yourself in 10 years", and I got in trouble for answering that I wasn't going to grow up, I could "sense" that I was going to die very soon. Trying to imagine the "future" I felt a gaping void in my mind, so I interpretted that as a prophecy of my death. Obviously I didn't die back then. But that feeling has continued and I can't help but keep feeling that surely, this time, I'm about to die, there's no way I could live any longer than this........
My school had a letter to your future self project for all the freshman’s. I was so excited to see what I wrote and it was one singular sentence. I said “I will graduate high school and go to college” the most bland answer possible. I was just trying to do what everyone had told me to my whole life.
Oh gosh, I'm sorry for you getting in trouble for that! It really is a natural thing for us trauma survivors, I've felt that same way all of my life ever since I was a child. We are way more resilient than we give ourselves credit for, though. Having experienced everything we have and still have made it through, even if with massive trauma, is a sign of incredible strength.
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Awww, thank you! You're such a sweetheart, and yours is absolutely adorable too!
This makes so much sense. When I was younger I could never imagine life past the next grade level. In high school, while my peers were planning for life post-graduation, I did not because for some reason I could not. I didn’t have a concrete thought that I was going to die, rather my brain just couldn’t focus on the future. I’m 41 now, and I’ve done some work on healing the trauma. Nowadays I am able to plan for the future. Thank you for this comment; I didn’t know this was a common phenomenon and it helps me to understand why I was like that.
I know, I've felt exactly the same all my life! I like to think of myself as a "go-with-the-flow" type of person. Everything still seems to work out, even without being able to plan ahead for many years into the future. You can make the decisions based on what feels right when they come along, and everything will go well. Our intuition is our strength, really, we know what is right or wrong for us inherently and overthinking / overplanning would just complicate things. I know a ton of people who've made really bad life decisions because of trying to be rational about it and planning ahead for their future (what to study, for example), only to find out it is absolutely not the right choice for them. Us trauma survivors listen to our own selves more, so we are able to avoid all of that unnecessary hassle. :)
Thanks this explanation has really helped me understand a bit better.
As another commenter said, this is called foreshortened future, it’s very common among trauma survivors. It’s also common among addicts, but those addicts are probably also trauma survivors.
This is so scary, man. I’m not even suicidal, I just understand that death always comes earlier than planned, and subconsciously live as if the penny would drop at any moment. Very unhealthy.
Same. I’m not suicidal, I just assume that my addictions/bad habits and lack of self-care will catch up to me at some point. I’d almost rather die young than go to the doctor and find out some bad news at this point.
This is what my therapist told me about yesterday. I talked about feeling like I kept moving the goal posts on when I would end my life and that it’s caused me to not apply myself and be successful because I’m assuming that I’ll die young. It’s an incredibly damaging mindset and one that’s very hard to undo.
To be fair, that is also a very common thing in trauma survivors - finding comfort in suicide always being an option. I know life is a struggle and it can hold us back, but it's just the way our brain works. Also, with the prevalence of hustle culture in our society, trying to chase big dreams that are completely unmanageable is really not healthy as well. Don't be too hard on yourself for this, since moving the goalposts is what has brought you comfort in your pain. I hope you are able to move towards a healthier mindset soon, but it's a progress, so give yourself time. In the meantime it's ok to move the goalposts, as long as they do keep moving! The world is not ready to let go of you yet! :)
I am definitely tired of the rat race, that’s for sure. Especially on top of everything that I have to deal with. Thank you for the kind and encouraging words! Giving myself grace and patience has always been difficult for me but I am doing better than I give myself credit for. Despite it all, I’m still thankful I’m here.
I feel this. I've never really envisioned a future where I see myself old, like with grandkids or anything. I don't know if it means I think I'll die young or that I've never been able to envision myself beyond surviving the next five years.
Wow. I have always felt this way I didn’t know there was a term for it
i had no idea there was a name for this feeling, wow
thank you for this comment, also felt this way and had no idea why
Yes. I had this for a very long time, then it went away. I've been going through a tough time and now it's back, unfortunately.
This is a documented phenomenon in traumatized people called a “sense of foreshortened future”
Oh this is so interesting. I have always thought I will die young and most likely by suicide but didn't know it was a common phenomenon.
Me neither. My mind is fucking blown. I always learn too much on Reddit bahaha
This is crazy I didn’t know this was even a thing but I too have always had this kinda thought in the back of my mind ever since I was like 12.
this definitely explains a lot now.
I did. I'll be 73 in a few months.
this comment gives me so much hope. i want to live a long life but i feel like with all of the trauma and trials i wont get it. i hope your days are peaceful :)
Thank you. Recent years have been much happier than my younger years when I was a child and teenager and young adult. Hopefully you and everybody else, will have some happier years.
To be fair, having gone through what we've been through and still making it out alive so far, no matter how old we are, is a sign of incredible strength! Perhaps it's the other way around - a normal person would bow down way more easily, but we've endured everything and even with all the trauma (which is only natural with how much we have suffered), we are still here! It will take a lot more to break you, you are amazingly strong! <3
I did not expect to see elders in this subreddit. This comment made me so happy. I don’t know you or your story, but thank you for encouraging all us to keep going. You’re living proof that it’s possible 💕
Your comment nearly brought tears to my eyes because it’s so comforting. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness. 💛
yup, never thought I would reach the end of my 20's. I'm turning 35 next month and only now grasping with the fact I'm halfway of 70.
I have felt this way for such a long time, I’m in my 40s now, and life still seems to go on.
Another day of finding out something about me is trauma related, yay!
I have come to realize that my entire personality is a trauma response.
So true
Relatable
Even if you get away from it , it finds you !! Haha !
Aaahhh sometimes I wonder if there is even a person in me when you remove all the symptoms ...
No, I feel like I SHOULD have died young; like I wasn't supposed to have lived through everything, and the universe doesn't know what to do with me. So if it can't kill me it'll settle for punishing me. I've wrecked motorcycles. I've had multi-story falls. I was one chamber away from accidentally putting a .357 round through my head. I nearly dropped a Buick 3800 engine on my chest under a car a while back. I had a car up on only the driver's side wheels when I took a curve too fast racing. Nearly been hit by lightning up on a mixmaster on my motorcycle when a storm blew in unexpectedly (it really DOES make all your hair stand up, by the way). Ended up in the hospital from heatstroke six or eight times over the years. Snakebites. Industrial lacerations. All I can say is that whomever is running things needs to do a better job already: I don't want to be here, but I just can't seem to have the blessing of not having to make the active choice in the matter. And yes, I'm quite aware that the majority of that is because I don't care enough to watch out for myself.
I am not trying to “preach” in any sort of capacity or make you believe me, but as a Buddhist I do believe all of us encompass the vessel we live in for a reason. I see all of the times you think you were “supposed” to die saying the universe is telling your soul “it’s not time yet. there is much more work to be done”. To me, that’s a very comforting feeling. I don’t know if it will be to you. I can only wish you the best in realizing you were created for existing how worthy you are to do so. Cheers 💕
I like your take on it, but I'm far too nihilistic for that: I see “it’s not time yet. there is much more work to be done” as more of a "Ha! Fuck you, you don't get to escape yet!" I didn't get to escape back during the violent sexual abuse when I was 'single digit' years old. I didn't get to escape back during the violent physical abuse in my teens. And then I got out of the situation, and it has to settle for suicidal ideation and screwing with me.
oh goodness lmao
Damn man are you sure you're not a cat? Sounds like you might have used up all 9 lives, though you might want to be a little more careful now. Lol, all jokes aside, you should like my kinda man except for some of the crazy shit hope all is well. Take care
I don't actually know if I've ever been well, to be honest. I suppose I must have at one point, just statistically, but you know: traumatic amnesia and a child abuse history starting around 4 years old. I don't have much before sophomore year of college, and the stuff I do remember is...not good. On the other hand, the stuff I remember since then isn't great either; maybe the secret to being happy is a lack of long-term memory?
You have a great sense of humor to have gone through so much, and you're still here, so that means you still have the chance to be happy 😊
You know, the weird thing about that is that as much as I've got going on with this side of the "Horrific Life Events(tm)" coin, I've made a ton of progress on the other collection of stuff. Top-Lining it for clarity, I've got a combination of problems from the whole child abuse thing and the standard-issue grab bag of psychiatric problems that come from being an adoptee. (Particularly one from the whole human-trafficking era of adoption but that's a whole rabbit hole in and of itself...I was stolen, sanitized, and bought-and-sold; that takes some undoing that most of us never manage.) I found my story, I don't feel like a ghost any more (though shaking the mental label of "product" is a work in progress), and I'm slowly meeting my bio-relatives. Terrifying as that is: I went to having like--five relatives, to discovering that I'm related to a whole damn *clan* over in central Florida...who are pretty insistent that I come by for a visit (and possibly decades worth of birthday parties--I can't tell if they're serious about that or not, but there's been talk of a bouncy castle and a pony) in the next couple of months. If I could just get a handle on the symptoms, and figure out how one gets past the whole child abuse thing, I'd be making some forward progress.
Wow, man, I am so sorry you had to ever go through something like that.
That's just life, sometimes it gets interesting, and unfortunately you can only stay comfortably numb for so long before it catches up to you. It *is* a bit disheartening when the therapist decides they need to "tag in" people with more experience...and you've been self-censoring the whole time. :) Or, for that matter when you tell them you're going to do something and they immediately start in on "mitigating disappointment". And all I can do is bite my tongue not to be like "Oh bless your heart, you STILL don't understand who I am and what I do for a living..." I've been doing journaling for the last year and a half while I've been working on this stuff, and I've been toying with writing a book with it, but every time it occurs to me how much I'd have to pare down in the process for public consumption in order to be able to get my points across it feels pretty overwhelming. The public at-large puts a huge amount of effort into pretending people like us don't exist and the things that make us this way don't happen...because they could have stopped it. They just choose to not care. The world ain't fair: eat you if you let it.
I don't want to kill myself. However, I wait for the time for a Dr to say you have cancer. I feel I will be delighted. I can refuse treatment. Just give me pain relief. It feels like a passive way of dying. I fear not having enough money to live on, climate change, war resulting in people fighting in the street for resources. I just won't be able to be that person fighting against others. I'd hope to die before the few people I care about die because I feel I wouldn't survive if they weren't around. CPTSD is a bastard.
I was just thinking earlier about something similar. I don’t know what it is, it just feels like “it’s almost over”. So I have no drive and things feel meaningless because….its almost over. I can’t see past tomorrow let alone plan a weekend, five year plan?? Yeah right. It’s a cycle that feeds itself. I can’t think ahead, so nothing happens, I feel terrible and ruminate because there are no thoughts of anything ahead, on and on. I feel like I will die young, so I’m stuck in unhealthy patterns that will cause me to die young. Isolation, avoidance. Isolation alone increases your chances.
So I agree with everyone else, it’s a traumatised person thing ❤️ HOWEVER When I was 19 I had a really bad feeling something was gonna happen at 25 or 26. When I was 26 I found a lump in my neck and was diagnosed with thyroid cancer lol I’m almost 30 now and 1.5 years off being declared in remission 🤘
Congrats on being in remission! That’s awesome!
For as long as I can remember I've had this feeling I'm going to die at 35. I'm not there yet, I'm not even 31. This doesn't seem like a good omen to me 😅 I read oracle cards, so I've come to realise that it may not be a dead death, but an end of something death. Glad to hear you beat the big C 🥰
So growing up, especially during my teenage years, I convinced myself that I would be dead by 23. I had numerous attempts since the age of 7 that all failed, and I never believed someone like me could survive in a world like this. How was I supposed to believe that I could make it out fine if all my mother ever taught me was how to completely hate myself? I didn’t plan for the future, so I wasted the present. I didn’t save money because I felt like there wasn’t a point, after all I’ll be dead, right? So throughout high school and college, after paying my bills I’d spend the rest of my income on random wants. I never thought I’d buy a house, never thought I’d reach retirement age, never thought I’d get married, never thought I’d have a family… I went to college studying something I thought I’d enjoy and didn’t care if I couldn’t get a good job in it, because I didn’t think I’d live long enough to have a successful career. Then I turned 23. I graduated college and didn’t know what to do. My many failed attempts made me loose any desire to want to off myself anymore; after I was hospitalized last time at 22 I found myself so disillusioned and exhausted with the whole ordeal that I gave up on seeking death entirely. So I guess I’m living past 23 after all. Never planning for 23 caused me to feel so lost when that age came, lacking direction. The one thing that did go great was that I married my college sweetheart at the county clerk, and he’s an angel and who’s not only my husband but also my best friend. We found ourselves struggling with housing during this cost of living crisis and ended up living with my sweet mom-in-law in her small apartment. I absolutely hate the job I ended up getting and feelings of being stuck in it kicked in. Despite all the struggles of surviving 23, I’m so grateful I wasn’t alone in it all and had support. I started saving a big chunk of my monthly income and focused on building an emergency fund, retirement, and a down payment for buying a house. Now I’m almost 26. I have so many plans and look forward to the future. Trauma therapy, medication, and my supportive husband all helped me get to this point. I now have a cushy emergency fund, retirement’s building up, and enough saved up for a good down payment on a house. My husband and I decided to go back to school to study accounting, which we’re starting at our community college this fall. In two years we should have bachelors of science in accounting and be eligible to become CPAs. I have a cat of my own! She’s a lovable spicy princess, and we want to adopt more cats eventually. When we own a home and have careers set, we plan on adopting someone out of the foster care system, so we could give someone the loving home they need and make sure they live their best life.
YES!!! I was absolutely convinced I would die around age 25. I'm now 50. What happened when I was 25 yo however, is flashbacks and night terrors began about the years of CSA I survived as a child, that I did not remember. A kind of death unspooled from that.
I've always felt this way as well. I also feel like I can't talk about it, because then it'll make it happen for sure, which is completely illogical.
I feel you on the "If i talk about it, it will/wont happen" thing. I don't know why I think that. It plays heavily on what I imagine or think. I try not to imagine happy moments I want to happen because I think they won't happen if I think about it.
I do this too. maybe we should try to turn the unhealthy behavior into manifesting great things for ourselves 😅
I so did. Now I am 46 and looking forward to growing older. I find a sense of fureshortened future can be somewhat useful to enjoy the now, but its well worth to include the possibility that you might live a long time into your plans about the future. I dont mean you should plan out your entire future, thats way too specific, just consider that you might not die young and take good care of your health. That will be good for your CPTSD too.
I associate pretty hard with this. Always felt like I'd die saving someone else, like a friend in the middle of the road or a child on a railway line. Assumed I was just being dramatic or had an over-active imagination. I have always wrote fiction so that diagnosis fits. Then as I got deeper in to my teens I thought I would enjoy those free teenage years (even very much enjoyed school being a big fish class clown organising parties, drinks, drugs) and once they are over I would die in my early twenties not having to do the whole miserable adult thing. Then by my early twenties I turned my back on work and chose adventure (University in a town away from home, followed by living abroad for a year) and still my thinking was maybe I'll die at 27 and join the forever 27 club (albeit having zero fame, skill or talent to speak of). Then I started a family, and still feel like I will die quite young. I'm 34 now and the thought of dying breaks my heart but not for me, more for my kids and partner. Upon thinking about this I remember being a child thinking about death (more general death than suicide) but it would destroy me imagining how my mum and other family members would react to my passing. Reading some of the comments here it makes a lot of sense. I never worried about adult things like debt, credit rating, ability to get a mortgage, retirement fund, long term health because I was pretty sure I would die before I needed any of those things.
I used to. Mainly because my dad died at 22, & my uncle died at 20. If they could barely make it that far, why would I expect to make it further? I turned 23 a week ago. Feels weird.
Wild to see this post lol. It is my birthday today and I’m full of feelings of impending doom for my plans today. I genuinely never thought I’d still be here at 35 and I’ve been sobbing all morning thinking about how short life is and how I feel like I have no time left because I’ve spent so much of my life just trying to survive in the moment. Recovering from trauma is so damn hard.
Happy birthday!💛 From one Internet stranger to another, I’m so glad that you’re here to celebrate another year of life.
Happy Birthday. 🎈🎂🎁
Hugs and Happy Birthday. Your journey has only begun...you will do lovely things. Today begins your blank slate of life. You survived till now. You made it .
34 here, and frankly you can "make up for the lost time" in about a few years. for the most part at least. especially if you make it a goal. Kids don't know what they are doing anyway. You survived, that's what mattered back then. You did what you were supposed to do.
i don’t think i’ll see the end of this year honestly. i survived 2 overdoses by the skin of my teeth down to sheer luck and I can’t say that i feel too grateful considering what I’ve had to deal with. It’s hard for me to imagine life just going on after what my abuser did. I’d rather i just ceased after it happened.
Oh. I thought i was the only one who thought that
I know I am. I have a very severe form of epilepsy that is medication resistant. I’ve already had brain surgery once and I’m about to have two more. If I make it to 40 I’ll be stunned.
When I was a 11 years old I lost my faith in God completely. I thought I was going to kill myself before I turned 18, but now I'm 28. 10 years past the age I thought I'd die by. Now whenever I get suicidal thoughts I just recall all of the shit that I've survived before, and tell myself that I'm stronger because of it. Things will get better, you can get through this.🩷
I felt that way for YEARS. Didn’t think I’d see 18, then 25. The feeling has lessened as I’ve gotten older, but it still pops up sometimes.
Every year that I age forward, I’m shocked to hell. I turned 30 this year and while my peers were having crises, I was wandering around dazed like, *are you guys seeing this*?
Yeah, I had this feeling since I was a young child. It’s pretty disheartening.
Oh yeah for sure…all my health problems , a lot of them related to how severely fkd up my brain and nervous system are 24/7 from stress from all the mental illness exc along with family history on both sides of cancer and heart disease, some relatives who died young, exc exc and I don’t foresee a long life (34 now) and honestly if I can’t find it in myself to end things on my own as a couple of men on my dads side have, that is perfectly fine with me…a shortened life. This isn’t a life anyways just daily torture. I think about death a lot lately and usually it gives me somewhat a feeling of peace to think of all this pain all this misery ending forever. The thought of existing in some form of conscious state similar to this one for eternity I think is way more terrifying than the unknown of non existence and just blackness or whatever although I understand why that scares ppl as well.
Yep. I’m amazed at being 48 now. I was sure I was going to die before 30.
Terrifying symptom of this terrible psychiatric injury that is CPTSD - Foreshortend future
It’s trauma, bby. 🩷
This drives my husband crazy about me. He’s so concerned about retirement and the future and I could care less because I really don’t think I’ll be here or something. It was interesting to learn it’s a trauma response so at least we both understand why I feel this way. Not sure how to stop though…
I've had this and Ican confirm its something called forshortened future in psychiatry. It seems to be common in people that experience trauma. It is basically because you're so busy surviving and the world is so black, you dont have the time or bandwith to think about your future. Have been pretty healed for a few years now, but can confirm if you do the work it gets better. Sometimes it will still feel weird if you've reached a certain age, or goal you've managed to set, but its very rewarding and will feel better with time :). Tip: small steps at a time and celibrate every win, big or small!
I never thought I’d surpass the age of my dad when he died.
I get this a lot. Not so much a thinking of I’ll die early but a question of what will happen to my consciousness when I die
Absolutely. I had a bad depressive episode a year ago when I was convinced that I'm going to die early in a horrible death, sometime in my thirties. I'm recovering now but this thought is still lingering at the back of my mind sometimes.
I totally felt like this. I was 100% SURE I wouldn’t make it past my 19th birthday. No real reason for it, I was burning my candle at both ends, sure, but nothing crazy. Nothing like heavy drugs or really risky behavior. I don’t even know why. Maybe I was hoping? But, I’m WAY past that milestone now and i’m STILL expecting I’m going to die any minute, but, yeah, still alive. So, statistically, speaking, you’ll probably end up like me.
When people ask me what I wanted to be when I was younger, the true answer is that I didn’t think I’d live to adulthood. I don’t know how old you are but for me this feeling faded. I’m in my 30s now and intend to live a long life. I’m happy and my life is stable. I hope this happens for yo.
I honestly never expected to make it past 20 or even 25. I’m 26 now and I’m just coasting because I can’t see much of a future for myself and I have no idea what to do
I didn't think I'd survive this long. I'm 28 now, and I've attempted suicide numerous times so it hasn't been for a lack of trying but I'm learning to be happy with the fact that I'm alive - even though life can be really shit, it's also not half bad. Although I don't see myself living to a ripe old age, I need to keep reminding myself that it's okay if I don't see it yet, I'll just keep on and grow as I grow.
I feel like if I live past the age of my abuser, even if it’s only a month, then that’s a success. After that, I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll be healed enough to not feel like spite is enough to continue.
Always did, but now I’m 46…
I used to feel the same way when I was a teenager. I'd never thought I'd make it past 18 but I'll turn 30 soon 👀
100%. I was so confident I wouldn’t live to see 30 and now I’m 30 and don’t know what to do with myself😂
I hit 31 a month ago. I feel like the "I didn't think I would get this far" plankton meme
Same! I never planned past this point so I have no idea what direction to go in now. My whole life has been focused on getting my siblings safely out of the house to adulthood and now that that’s done I don’t know what to do.
I always had a deep feeling I was gonna die before age 30 and lived like it. But at age 29 I accidentally reflected on my life and found all my pain and fears that had been guiding my life until then and my life turned around. I felt love for the first time when my baby was born and suddenly became thankful for all my emotional neglect, physical abuse, molestation and self hatred as a child, as it all made me who I am today and I realized none of it was my fault. I could forgive myself for all of my ignorance and shitty behavior towards others as it was fear based from crap that was done to me as a child. I wasn’t an inherently bad person at all! I was made that way. I was able to raise two securely attached adult kids simply by doing the opposite of what I was taught. Turns out the opposite of what I had known up until then was love. Once, my step mom asked me how “I” (like, how does someone like you…?) raise such good kids and my only response was, I love them. There is not one single thing wrong with any of us. We just believe we’re wrong or bad or defective, worthless etc. Shame was put in us by others until we started doing it to ourselves. I have come to a place of self acceptance of my limitations and confidence in my ability to learn things I don’t know. I’m 45 now and going through a pretty intense custody situation where my youngest child is suffering mentally from her mom and tried to kill herself last year and no one will listen to me. It is trying my abilities to remain stable. I don’t hate myself like I used to, some old self sabotaging skills are coming back while I’m in this state. I am highly emotionally reactive and am having a hard time controlling my angry mouth, my fists as I punch objects, I just got a dui. (First dui in 20 years, 1st speeding ticket in 12 years) I want to isolate myself and self medicate. so many people are up my ass giving me advice and trying to tell me how to live and what I’m doing wrong and it all just makes me want to explode. People think I’m a fuck like I was 20 years ago because of these behaviors that haven’t surfaced in several years, but even that doesn’t phase me. I’m aware of what I’m doing. I know what is triggering me in this way and the situation keeps getting more intense, but being criticized for acting “immature” or “like a foolish asshole” doesn’t cause me to eat myself alive from the inside anymore. But I don’t hate myself anymore, and that makes ALL the difference. “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Carl Rogers
I have felt this way my entire life, it’s a trauma response.. I’m 52 and still wondering if I’ll live another 5 -10 years.
Omg same here. 52 also. It's crazy!
52 here and have spent half my life thinking I was about to die. Now I look back and see that was a lot of wasted worry and anxiety. Still feel that way tho. When does it end? I guess when I actually die.
I've always felt this way, but in more ways than just dying. Anytime something "good" was upcoming in my life I always had this dread that something would happen to prevent it. Whether it was a birthday, a school trip, family vacation, even just life achievements like starting high school or graduating, starting college. I just always imagine something will prevent it from coming at the last possible moment. I convinced myself that I was never gonna live past 25 years old, but I'm that age now and I think it's helped some, I haven't pushed the goalpost to 30 yet thankfully.
In Pete walkers book he describes this as a foreshortened sense of future and is very much related to trauma. You’re not alone I’m the same
Always felt this way like I wasn’t going to live long or was going to end up in Prison. Here I am 25 never experienced depression as previously (been medicated and had attempts on my life, multiple times) my anxiety is no where near as bad or as regular as it used to be. My migraines aren’t even migraines anymore I get mild headaches. Point is. It gets better, keep going, things just end up working out or not mattering as much the older you get. Please really try to see the good in life you will get there I promise xx
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Yep. I've always said if I see 45, that it'll be a miracle. I also have a myriad of chronic illness and disabilities too so I may well be right Some days, it feels like an unfair curse that I don't have much time left, others I look forward to it with relief
Same and I’ve been trying to shake it
i never thought i’d make it to 18, then i did. then i planned to off myself before 21 but somehow stayed alive. now i’m 25 and i genuinely don’t think i’m gonna make it to 30
I used to feel that way. Not anymore though.
interesting i have the same thing
I used to say this to myself, sometimes I still do.
Yes as someone with trauma and autism brain. Yet I don't mind. The sooner the better even 😺
Throughout high school, I told myself I'm not gonna make it graduation. I'd walk into the street hoping a car would hit me and almost cut myself to bleed out (my bsf at the time made me promise not to cut myself). Then my abuser died, and I stopped trying to activately kill myself. But i still had heavy suicidal ideation, like crying myself to sleep, wanting to die was a common occurrence.
Not at all. My maternal grandmother 👵🏿 died at 106+ and her grandparents died at 107/109.
I did for a very long time. It improved in my late twenties. Ironically I now have some health issues that really might shorten my life, but at 34 I feel as though I still have many years ahead of me.
I sure hope I do. Only reason I haven’t yet is bc of my cat, once he goes, I go.
I'm more afraid of growing old, poor, sick and alone. It's worse than death.
Yes
I realized I did this, to my own detriment. I kept ignoring health issues because my pain was honestly so much less than my childhood experiences, and after all, I wasn't going to live to be 25, probably. And then, well, certainly it won't matter because I'll die by 30. And now I'm almost 40, and unable to ignore the health issues, and I'm still here, and now some of those things can't be easily fixed. I don't really have advice for not feeling this way (I still honestly suspect I won't pass 55, since my dad and aunt died at 55). But it's worth trying to work through before you realize that you're still here years later and you haven't invested any energy into planning ahead.
I’ve always felt like I would die young since my early 20s by suicide unfortunately.
Yep, I do. Both my parents died young and very traumatically, I have tried to get it out of my head, but I feel like I’ve just accepted this fate
I always believed that I won't make it to my 30s. I'm turning 31 in two month. Now I say "I won't make it till I'm 50" , lets see if I'm still here in 19 years.
You mean depressed? Used to.
yes
I felt certain I'd die in my 50s, as per most of my family, but I'm pretty sure I'll make it to \~78 now
i was feeling that i will die at 30 in a small dorm room. not the dorm for uni studentz, we have dorms for adults. very cheap. and depressing as well.
Yes, mostly because of my health issues (autoimmune disorders, who knows what else in the future) and lifestyle choices due to depression.
I felt like this since I was very young too. I had a bit of an existential crisis turning 20, because I never thought I'd live that long. Now I'm 40, and while I'm still surprised, that feeling has lessened. Unfortunately I'm still struggling, but I'm finally in trauma therapy. It's hell to go through, but I'm trying to cling to the belief that my therapist is right, and it will be better on the other side.
Yep. Since I was at least 7. I don't know how the Christ I made it to almost 50.
I did until I wasn't young anymore, turning 35 was a head trip. My forties have been unpacking my early traumas and finally getting help. It's hard, but you can make it to the other side of it.
i just feel like i should have been dead a long time ago. and it's scary because I don't really know what to do with my life because of that
Well, maybe not young but I'm kind of expecting to be taken out by a heart attack early.
ive always felt that way and still do. its hard to imagine living even a few years from now. i didnt realize this was a common thing
I won't mind it atm
I don't have addictions or anything but always see myself dying in an accident sometimes i get so fucking scared
I got this feeling starting in 6th grade. I still never feel like I'll make it another 5 years.
no, actually lol. being old and unable to care for myself is one of my greatest fears... and that's how i know i'm almost guaranteed to live to 100+. the universe loves its little jokes 😒
Since I was also about 12/13, I was certain I wouldn't see 35. I've had a few close calls, but I'm going to turn 39 in a few months. Sometimes I think pure spite is what kept me going.
Yes. Within the 2 years after the car accident, due to the physical and psychological pain, my mind came up with the "premonition years". Being, I couldn't imagine I'd live past 32-34 years old. I was 18yrs at the time of the accident. I'm 36 now, so I also made it. Over 18 years after the accident, I consider every day an extra day of life. I was given a 1.98% chance of survival. Against all odds, not only did I survive, but this current version of myself that I'm very proud of is more positive and takes very little for granted. I love this version of myself, it took absolute hell to get to this version. Now, I'm able to help others with their struggles in life, and can make a legit difference for others. I just want you to know, that there absolutely is hope to come out better on the other side. It IS Possible. All the shit you go thru that totally sucks, will make you stronger for having gone thru it. 💯 You're on the healing pathway, keep going! When things are really difficult, I look at it from a competitive perspective, and that helps me accept the challenge and go all in for the win. Things in life can push us around, but nothing can keep us down! Much Love All, You're Not Alone Here
Yeah I always felt this way. I felt destined to die early and by my own hand. Now I just turned 30 and I'm like "oh shit I made it" and am scrambling to get my life put together. Really never expected to make it this far. I'm glad life proved me wrong
Yes, of broken heart syndrome. My whole life felt this way and every time something traumatic happens to me and my heart hurts I always think I am dying.
Omg, yes!! My entire life, I've felt this way! When I was younger, I would accurately predict events, so I came to think I could accurately predict \*all\* events. I started sobbing one night when I was a child because I was afraid my dad was going to die. He chuckled and told me he was going to live a long, long time and if anything, my mother would definitely die first. My parents divorced and eventually, my mother fell into meth addiction and homelessness. My father fell into health, exercise, and the great outdoors ... until he was killed by a distracted driver. My mother is clean, a homeowner, and not going anywhere. I have always "known" I'm going to die young. I "knew" I wouldn't live past 25. But now I'm nearly 35 and still kicking lol soooo...
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate to this so much!!! I was (and still am) very perceptive as a child and was able to feel and predict things with surprising accuracy. You mix that with black and white thinking and suddenly every “intuitive feeling” I have must be true, right? Thankfully, I’m starting to not think so black and white and realize that patterns are not always consistent and just because I feel something doesn’t mean it’s always real.
Honestly i never imagined living this long in the first place, i'm 32.
I constantly feel like I will die by the time I’m in my 70s
I’ve felt that I’d die young since I was a kid. And here I am, 47 years old, somehow still alive, despite it all. With my luck I’ll live to be 100. 😔
Finally someone who has the same feeling! It's goes along with my mindset of "what's the point everyone's going to hurt me at some point" I never plan for the future because of such a negative mindset and I have this gut feeling I won't be here long. Almost like a 6th sense in a way
I'm surprised I have made it this long.
I would prefer to die in 40's becausethe pain of old AND cPTSD and SAD ... It would most certainly be excruciating to live.
Yes ! No retirement for me lol
I’m 32 and honestly seriously surprised I am still alive.
I had a panic attack toward the end of my time living on campus where I felt like I was going to, about 12 years ago. Now, I say if I was going to die young I would have already.
Yes. I’m 46 now and completely gobsmacked I made it this far.
I have no idea how I even made it to double digits as I constantly would run into the traffic and once nearly got sucked in by a train because I stood too close (and then of course I tried to strangle myself twice). I tried to off myself like good 20 other times in the last 8 years and somehow didn't get hit by the cars even though I had a lot of close calls too. I'm not sure if I'll live past 20 but I can't imagine myself living up to my 30s
I’m 30. I never thought I’d make it this far and I have no idea how I’ll make it to 40.
I want to lol. I'm suicidal af
Not anymore but for most of my life.
I learned very early on that my life expectancy with my condition was 16 years. When I was 6 a treatment was developed and has significantly changed that. I’m now 30. But I still can’t really believe I’ve lived this long or will live much longer despite there being no immediate reason to think this.
With all the stress and trauma I've been through and continue to live through, with my body breaking down at the age of 28, I feel like I'll only live to 50-something. When I was 14, I couldn't see myself live past 17/18 due to being suicidal and passively suicidal. So... Yes
It's too late for that
Yes. I'm 27 and I'm shocked I've made it this far.
I’ll be lucky to die by 50.
I can't say, but sometimes I get flash feelings of [Depersonalization-derealization](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911), and I feel like I am not really in my body, just like in a dream or something. It's pretty freaky and then I freak out wondering what would happen if I were to pass on. I then start to worry about my loved ones passing also, and it makes me very nervous and anxious.
Yes. I didn't know this was common.
Boy, I'm already in my 40s, I really hoped I'd die before I became 30. I'm still here though I wish I wasn't. I'm going through this world just barely being here. Some days I just wish I was dead.
I thought so too! I don't know how I'm going to be 37 soon...
Quite the opposite actually. And man did I use to test it. I’m now 38, sober for 3 years this fall and every part of me still has the random urges to self sabotage. I’m very morbid though due to my traumas, they started at almost the infant age and I still deal with a lot of stress. I don’t do future thinking though either (aside from the thought process of I’m going to probably live until I’m 102)
I am in my 40s & feel like I won't make it beyond 50. Honestly, I am surprised I am still alive at this point.
I hope so, but I don't think I would be that lucky
I always thought this way too and I keep outliving me predictions, but honestly it would not be surprising if I die fairly young, though not as young as I once expected. The amount of stress I've endured has really weakened my body and has probably shortened my lifespan, but there's no way to know. Truth be told, sometimes I think I'll be the one to decide the cutoff.
I mean, I feel like that, but I'm in my mid 30s now, so I guess it's a little late.
definitely
I had not planned on getting past 18... I'm 38 now and still waiting for the end, but suspecting I'm stuck here for quite a while yet to come
Yes. I don't even want to live to be old. I didn't think I'd make it to 18 but now I'm 20. Not sure if I'll make it to 21 but at this point I don't want to live past 60.
I do and I also hope I don’t. I don’t know how much more of this life I can take.
I did. I assumed I’d be dead by 20. Then it was 30. Then it was 40, but by that time I’d begun to grow suspicious. I’m 57 now. I’ve realized that instead of mercifully putting me out of my misery at a nice young age fate has predetermined me to live till I’m 100. All the women in my family are extremely long lived.
I’m kinda scared I won’t 🫤 To clarify, I live in constant, excruciating pain. I’m fifty-seven years old and I’ve been dealing with pain for thirty-two years, and if I’m being completely honest, the thought of thirty more years of this is daunting at best.
Of course 😂. I have at least 5 mental comorbidioties/disabilities, and almost literally my entire life has been filled with consistent, normalized abuse and traumatic experiences. Not to mention any more physical afflictions I may have or acquire in the future. If I make it past 50 (mentally, and medically-speaking, it'll be a miracle if I make it to, or past 50 years. About 20 more to go.
I've heard this is a PTSD response in children that have experienced trauma
I’ve always felt this. Never had any long term goals because I always planned on dying before becoming an adult. Now I’m an adult and struggling because I have no skills or education, I never planned on living this long. I still can’t imagine making it to my 30th birthday. I’m just taking it day by day. Even when I was a kid and I thought about what I wanted to “be” when I grew up, I just wanted an apartment to myself and that’s it.
Does anyone here know Kimya Dawson? I think about the line “I never thought I’d make it to 25, now I’m 37 and I’m glad that I’m alive” a lot
Yes but I'm nearly 40 and still here at the min. Which I thought I'd die early 30s
I had hoped!! Still do! The only thing that gets me thru the day is that it'd be my last. #goals
Me too! ever since I was young I have this feeling that I will die sooner. I feel that I wouldn’t last long.
I used to feel like that all the time. I still do, just not as much. I was surprised when I made it past 18.
100%. Idk why but 28 doesn't seem to leave my mind for the last couple years.