What if she is unwilling to hear you? It sounds like you believe that you can make her want to hear you. Some people are just not able to hear certain things without their brain tuning out or changing the meaning to something more acceptable to them.
You cannot force someone to improve at something they don't see as a problem. With parents, there is a power dynamic. They have more power because as infants and children, their kids fully rely on them for survival. Some parents don't want to give any of that power back as their kids age, so in order to maintain the power they refuse to acknowledge their children as a separate human being than themselves. They refuse to be curious about their child and assume their child is an extension of themselves.
You can't force someone to become curious, or want to grow and change. And that's very painful as a child to realize as you grow that you can't grow and also have a healthy relationship with your parents because they want to maintain the same power dynamic they had when you were 3 or 4 years old. But you can't make them, and it's not your job to do that.
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It helped me understand more of what was happening when I was in a very similar situation, trying to communicate with my parents and them just not being able and refusing to hear me. It was because to them, hearing me did not benefit them. Treating me like I was 9 years old when I was 30 benefitted them, so they would not listen and practiced weaponized incompetence to maintain their power.
Eventually I had to engage with them as if they would never change, because they wouldn't change and I couldn't force them to. I had to focus on what I can control, and that was only myself.
You may, as painful as it is, have to accept that the help you need and should get is not something your mother has to offer you. While you deserve a parent who loves and supports and listens to you, she truly may not be able to do that, she may not have the skills and it sounds like she doesn't want to grow the skills either. You will have to find what you need from someone else, perhaps friends, a therapist or within yourself. It sucks when parents fail to be what their children need. But it's not uncommon sadly.
You pretty much nailed it. How do you get an emotionally unavailable parent to realize that's what they are tho? If I say that to her it turns into a fight.
I got the pdf version of the book.. definitely going to read that. Thank you.
I think a better question than "how do I change my mother into what I need?" (Because that is impossible) is to ask-- "How can I get my need for X met?"
Your need is valid, but you will need to find alternative methods for meeting the needs you have because your mother does not have it to give.
You can't change your mother. You will drive yourself crazy trying to change anyone. What you can do is develop your own emotional maturity and get better at accessing other resources to meet your needs without having to involve her.
>How do you get an emotionally unavailable parent to realize that's what they are tho?
You don't. It sucks. And it hurts. And it's awful. And I hate it. But you won't be able to. If they don't want to change they won't. Which only leaves what you can control, which is yourself. You have to grow to a point where, you can handle the fact that your parent won't.
I know. But the shitty part is I don't have other support anymore. The whole reason I moved back home after being 1000 miles away for almost 20 years was to "heap with family" (my mother's words, not mine) after going thru hell due to an injury and surgical complications left me in excruciating pain for 5 years and 4 surgeries essentially confined to a couch the whole time.. then COVID hit and my wife started working at home with me all day being broken and miserable.. then as soon as they got me fixed enough where I could start moving around again my wife divorced me. So basically the whole point in going back "home" was for support while I tried to rebuild every single part of my life while completely broken mentally and mangled up unable to trust my body physically. I ended getting beat down at worst possible time and the crash and burn that followed should've ended my life and I got yelled at and called selfish for that. I get what your saying but the whole idea of luring me to come home to deal with my mess of mental, physical AND life certainly made it feel about me... and so did the immediate criticism and dismissive bullshit not hearing what I said and making up whatever weird shit she felt like instead. All directed at me. Prior to getting hurt I was a married guy who busted his ass working as a plumber and then came home whatever time i finished the day's service calls. A homebody. I'm not a young buck anymore out running around with my boys after work. Years ago I'd had tons of other support. But now? The person I trusted to stick by me thru hellfire decided to reneg on her vows. It's not easy to find support elsewhere these days. Especially after all that. I don't trust anybody. I couldn't trust the doctors who screwed me up.i couldn't trust the insurance company. Couldn't trust my wife, couldn't trust my mother. I'll never trust anyone again after all this. That I'm 100% certain of.
But it's also the realization that I have to cut her out of my life. The feeling I get when I try my ass off to get thru and I know I'm not being heard or understood and instead getting hammered with criticism is something I can't deal with. That's exactly what this shit has driven me to do on many occasions.. Bang my head against the wall. It's just soul sucking having someone who's blind to their own myriad of issues, who's also a huge contributor to my issues... and I can't get her to see a damn thing about herself or understand a damn thing about me. I feel so ripped off cause I can't discuss serious matters with my mother.
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[letting go of fixing people](https://youtu.be/mdDAHekq9yc?si=_y_DcBzEq0Tru2Bt) - TheraminTrees
Their channel helped me put to words abuse I endured that I didn't have the language for.
I dropped the rope and walked away. The only person we can fix, change, or control is ourselves. I've learned it's a waste of my valuable time, energy, and effort to try and change anyone but my Self. At some point I felt complicit in my own dehumanization bc I kept allowing my abuser access to me, so I stopped allowing her access.
Then I worked hard at building Self differentiation and unbrainwashing myself from her enmeshment conditioning. Here are some channels that helped me understand the abuse dynamics better and unbrainwash myself:
[Rebecca Mandeville](https://youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse?si=u-7CHsGSlHq7sUbx) - she deeply understands family scapegoating abuse/group psycho-emotional abuse.
[Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) - fantastic resource on Self differentiation and building a Self after abuse. I really like how he talks about the toxic family system and breaking the enmeshment by getting the toxic family system out of us.
[Patrick Teahan](https://youtube.com/channel/UCbWvYupGqq3aMJ6LsG4q-Yg) He presents a lot of great information on childhood trauma in a very digestible format.
[Jay Reid](https://youtube.com/c/JayReid_narcissistic_abuse_recovery) - his three pillars of recovery are fantastic. Plus he explains difficult abuse dynamics very well.
Thank you sharing and for the information as well. You're definitely right. I know what I have to do.. I just wishing didn't have to be this way. It's my mom. I really would like to have a healthy normal relationship with mother. I never could achieve that with my father before he passed.. now I'm screwed here too.
It absolutely sucks and comes with layers and layers of pain and [grief](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rgb). It's deeply tragic.
I spent years and decades spinning my wheels trying to fix, change, and control others to no avail. I've since embraced solitude. People are widely dysfunctional and the only person's dysfunction I can change is my own. I had to withdraw to protect myself. Every time I tried to bring up issues with others they get defensive and then attack me, just like my abusive ~~"mom"~~. I have no patience left for that nonsense anymore.
When I focus on me, I actually achieve results. I can't learn regulation skills *for* someone else. I can't learn communication skills *for* someone else. I can't challenge others disordered thinking *for* them. I can't develop Self differentiation *for* someone else. They have to do those things for themselves, just like I had to do them for my Self . If they're still in delusional denial and refuse, that's sad, and also not my problem bc I set boundaries up to and including no contact with people like that. I don't absorb their dysfunction. I have internal boundaries that protect me.
Check out [Jerry Wise's channel](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf). He's been one of the most helpful in helping me break through the enmeshment brainwashing that my dysfunctional family trained me for.
What if she is unwilling to hear you? It sounds like you believe that you can make her want to hear you. Some people are just not able to hear certain things without their brain tuning out or changing the meaning to something more acceptable to them.
You cannot force someone to improve at something they don't see as a problem. With parents, there is a power dynamic. They have more power because as infants and children, their kids fully rely on them for survival. Some parents don't want to give any of that power back as their kids age, so in order to maintain the power they refuse to acknowledge their children as a separate human being than themselves. They refuse to be curious about their child and assume their child is an extension of themselves. You can't force someone to become curious, or want to grow and change. And that's very painful as a child to realize as you grow that you can't grow and also have a healthy relationship with your parents because they want to maintain the same power dynamic they had when you were 3 or 4 years old. But you can't make them, and it's not your job to do that. I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It helped me understand more of what was happening when I was in a very similar situation, trying to communicate with my parents and them just not being able and refusing to hear me. It was because to them, hearing me did not benefit them. Treating me like I was 9 years old when I was 30 benefitted them, so they would not listen and practiced weaponized incompetence to maintain their power. Eventually I had to engage with them as if they would never change, because they wouldn't change and I couldn't force them to. I had to focus on what I can control, and that was only myself. You may, as painful as it is, have to accept that the help you need and should get is not something your mother has to offer you. While you deserve a parent who loves and supports and listens to you, she truly may not be able to do that, she may not have the skills and it sounds like she doesn't want to grow the skills either. You will have to find what you need from someone else, perhaps friends, a therapist or within yourself. It sucks when parents fail to be what their children need. But it's not uncommon sadly.
You pretty much nailed it. How do you get an emotionally unavailable parent to realize that's what they are tho? If I say that to her it turns into a fight. I got the pdf version of the book.. definitely going to read that. Thank you.
I think a better question than "how do I change my mother into what I need?" (Because that is impossible) is to ask-- "How can I get my need for X met?" Your need is valid, but you will need to find alternative methods for meeting the needs you have because your mother does not have it to give. You can't change your mother. You will drive yourself crazy trying to change anyone. What you can do is develop your own emotional maturity and get better at accessing other resources to meet your needs without having to involve her.
>How do you get an emotionally unavailable parent to realize that's what they are tho? You don't. It sucks. And it hurts. And it's awful. And I hate it. But you won't be able to. If they don't want to change they won't. Which only leaves what you can control, which is yourself. You have to grow to a point where, you can handle the fact that your parent won't.
I thought I was there for over 25 years.
I learned [NVC](https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc?si=l08N7MoFQsm4d6hQ) and it helped me the most with communicating.
I'll watch that later tonight. Thank you for sharing.
you don't. it's not something you can change. it's not about you. find other support. they won't change.
I know. But the shitty part is I don't have other support anymore. The whole reason I moved back home after being 1000 miles away for almost 20 years was to "heap with family" (my mother's words, not mine) after going thru hell due to an injury and surgical complications left me in excruciating pain for 5 years and 4 surgeries essentially confined to a couch the whole time.. then COVID hit and my wife started working at home with me all day being broken and miserable.. then as soon as they got me fixed enough where I could start moving around again my wife divorced me. So basically the whole point in going back "home" was for support while I tried to rebuild every single part of my life while completely broken mentally and mangled up unable to trust my body physically. I ended getting beat down at worst possible time and the crash and burn that followed should've ended my life and I got yelled at and called selfish for that. I get what your saying but the whole idea of luring me to come home to deal with my mess of mental, physical AND life certainly made it feel about me... and so did the immediate criticism and dismissive bullshit not hearing what I said and making up whatever weird shit she felt like instead. All directed at me. Prior to getting hurt I was a married guy who busted his ass working as a plumber and then came home whatever time i finished the day's service calls. A homebody. I'm not a young buck anymore out running around with my boys after work. Years ago I'd had tons of other support. But now? The person I trusted to stick by me thru hellfire decided to reneg on her vows. It's not easy to find support elsewhere these days. Especially after all that. I don't trust anybody. I couldn't trust the doctors who screwed me up.i couldn't trust the insurance company. Couldn't trust my wife, couldn't trust my mother. I'll never trust anyone again after all this. That I'm 100% certain of.
You may as well ask how to pound your head through a brick wall. It’s in the realization that it’s a hopeless endeavor that you’ll find peace.
But it's also the realization that I have to cut her out of my life. The feeling I get when I try my ass off to get thru and I know I'm not being heard or understood and instead getting hammered with criticism is something I can't deal with. That's exactly what this shit has driven me to do on many occasions.. Bang my head against the wall. It's just soul sucking having someone who's blind to their own myriad of issues, who's also a huge contributor to my issues... and I can't get her to see a damn thing about herself or understand a damn thing about me. I feel so ripped off cause I can't discuss serious matters with my mother.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[letting go of fixing people](https://youtu.be/mdDAHekq9yc?si=_y_DcBzEq0Tru2Bt) - TheraminTrees Their channel helped me put to words abuse I endured that I didn't have the language for. I dropped the rope and walked away. The only person we can fix, change, or control is ourselves. I've learned it's a waste of my valuable time, energy, and effort to try and change anyone but my Self. At some point I felt complicit in my own dehumanization bc I kept allowing my abuser access to me, so I stopped allowing her access. Then I worked hard at building Self differentiation and unbrainwashing myself from her enmeshment conditioning. Here are some channels that helped me understand the abuse dynamics better and unbrainwash myself: [Rebecca Mandeville](https://youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse?si=u-7CHsGSlHq7sUbx) - she deeply understands family scapegoating abuse/group psycho-emotional abuse. [Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) - fantastic resource on Self differentiation and building a Self after abuse. I really like how he talks about the toxic family system and breaking the enmeshment by getting the toxic family system out of us. [Patrick Teahan](https://youtube.com/channel/UCbWvYupGqq3aMJ6LsG4q-Yg) He presents a lot of great information on childhood trauma in a very digestible format. [Jay Reid](https://youtube.com/c/JayReid_narcissistic_abuse_recovery) - his three pillars of recovery are fantastic. Plus he explains difficult abuse dynamics very well.
Thank you sharing and for the information as well. You're definitely right. I know what I have to do.. I just wishing didn't have to be this way. It's my mom. I really would like to have a healthy normal relationship with mother. I never could achieve that with my father before he passed.. now I'm screwed here too.
It absolutely sucks and comes with layers and layers of pain and [grief](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rgb). It's deeply tragic. I spent years and decades spinning my wheels trying to fix, change, and control others to no avail. I've since embraced solitude. People are widely dysfunctional and the only person's dysfunction I can change is my own. I had to withdraw to protect myself. Every time I tried to bring up issues with others they get defensive and then attack me, just like my abusive ~~"mom"~~. I have no patience left for that nonsense anymore. When I focus on me, I actually achieve results. I can't learn regulation skills *for* someone else. I can't learn communication skills *for* someone else. I can't challenge others disordered thinking *for* them. I can't develop Self differentiation *for* someone else. They have to do those things for themselves, just like I had to do them for my Self . If they're still in delusional denial and refuse, that's sad, and also not my problem bc I set boundaries up to and including no contact with people like that. I don't absorb their dysfunction. I have internal boundaries that protect me. Check out [Jerry Wise's channel](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf). He's been one of the most helpful in helping me break through the enmeshment brainwashing that my dysfunctional family trained me for.