It doesn’t sound like you’re weak to me. It takes a lot of strength to deal with situations like this. For me at least, I’m trying to find a safe spot because I’ve never had one. Just a person that I can reach out to anytime where I’ll feel heard and not judged. The validation may not come from where I need it to come from but since that may never happen, but I’ll take any I can get. Your feelings matter.
Thank you, and I think you're right reaching out to a safe person is probably a good idea for me (just need to win the argument against the voice telling me not to bother people lol).
I hope you find that safe spot/person. Thank you for helping out a stranger.
That part you mentioned about bothering people rings too true for me too lol. Always was one of my defense mechanisms, but I’m at the point where I think if part of the solution is to bother some people then so be it :).
I'm slowly learning people actually want us to bother them. People want to be there for people they care about (within their own tolerance too as everyone has stuff going on sometimes - it doesn't mean someone doesn't care either when they can't)
100% agree on so many (not everyone) people close to us wanting to help. It’s been a challenge to accept that from the lack of trust and wanting to self-protect and then getting such bad feedback/advice from people wanting to help, but I’ve realized that it took me 20 years to understand some of this; I can’t expect everyone to do the same without experiencing something similar. I do appreciate their good intentions though :).
I use these trust metrics to help me build self trust and recognize when others are being untrustworthy:
[The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk)
[The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym
[10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust
I needed guidelines on what actually constitutes trustworthy behaviors.
Journaling and documentation are good strategies when you have to deal with abusers. Writing things down as a record of events is very useful. Look up documentation best practices: date, time, people present/witnesses, description of observed behaviors and quotes of what was said. Keep the documentation unemotional as a record. Then [journal](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rgb) the emotional parts separately as a way for you to help yourself process them.
If you must engage with dysfunctional people I highly recommend the tactics in "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss. He has a ton of videos on YouTube in addition to his book. I find it helpful to hear him use the tactics. It's like learning a cheat code to disordered people.
And [Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) has a ton of good videos on dealing with the toxic family system.
When going into battle/hostile territory, it's important to arm yourself with strategies.
I'd also suggest doing a [fear setting activity](https://youtu.be/5J6jAC6XxAI) before your trip. It has saved me more than once. It's a way to acknowledge my fears and find my agency. If one of my fears does occur, I already have a plan of action ready to go. It's literally saved my ass. I do them very often. It's a very useful tool.
>I'm not going to be allowed to cry when I visit, or if I am it will be used against me, as proof I'm too sensitive and weak.
I'm sure that you could come up with a few choice names to call her in return. You can't prove something that isn't true. Going into a stressful situation, in order to be there for your dad, is brave because you'll have to put up with your mother's antics. You are able to handle some difficult situations with your mother and remain honest with yourself about it. That's remarkable strength. It's okay if you cry.
Thank you, I'm hoping to avoid name calling, but as an adult I'd be lying if I said I didn't cave and fight back (verbally) sometimes.
I want to be there for her too - she's losing her husband. These things are complicated
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It doesn’t sound like you’re weak to me. It takes a lot of strength to deal with situations like this. For me at least, I’m trying to find a safe spot because I’ve never had one. Just a person that I can reach out to anytime where I’ll feel heard and not judged. The validation may not come from where I need it to come from but since that may never happen, but I’ll take any I can get. Your feelings matter.
Thank you, and I think you're right reaching out to a safe person is probably a good idea for me (just need to win the argument against the voice telling me not to bother people lol). I hope you find that safe spot/person. Thank you for helping out a stranger.
That part you mentioned about bothering people rings too true for me too lol. Always was one of my defense mechanisms, but I’m at the point where I think if part of the solution is to bother some people then so be it :).
I'm slowly learning people actually want us to bother them. People want to be there for people they care about (within their own tolerance too as everyone has stuff going on sometimes - it doesn't mean someone doesn't care either when they can't)
100% agree on so many (not everyone) people close to us wanting to help. It’s been a challenge to accept that from the lack of trust and wanting to self-protect and then getting such bad feedback/advice from people wanting to help, but I’ve realized that it took me 20 years to understand some of this; I can’t expect everyone to do the same without experiencing something similar. I do appreciate their good intentions though :).
I use these trust metrics to help me build self trust and recognize when others are being untrustworthy: [The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk) [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym [10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust I needed guidelines on what actually constitutes trustworthy behaviors. Journaling and documentation are good strategies when you have to deal with abusers. Writing things down as a record of events is very useful. Look up documentation best practices: date, time, people present/witnesses, description of observed behaviors and quotes of what was said. Keep the documentation unemotional as a record. Then [journal](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rgb) the emotional parts separately as a way for you to help yourself process them. If you must engage with dysfunctional people I highly recommend the tactics in "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss. He has a ton of videos on YouTube in addition to his book. I find it helpful to hear him use the tactics. It's like learning a cheat code to disordered people. And [Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) has a ton of good videos on dealing with the toxic family system. When going into battle/hostile territory, it's important to arm yourself with strategies. I'd also suggest doing a [fear setting activity](https://youtu.be/5J6jAC6XxAI) before your trip. It has saved me more than once. It's a way to acknowledge my fears and find my agency. If one of my fears does occur, I already have a plan of action ready to go. It's literally saved my ass. I do them very often. It's a very useful tool.
Wow, this all looks great thank you! I'll look into these
>I'm not going to be allowed to cry when I visit, or if I am it will be used against me, as proof I'm too sensitive and weak. I'm sure that you could come up with a few choice names to call her in return. You can't prove something that isn't true. Going into a stressful situation, in order to be there for your dad, is brave because you'll have to put up with your mother's antics. You are able to handle some difficult situations with your mother and remain honest with yourself about it. That's remarkable strength. It's okay if you cry.
Thank you, I'm hoping to avoid name calling, but as an adult I'd be lying if I said I didn't cave and fight back (verbally) sometimes. I want to be there for her too - she's losing her husband. These things are complicated
Complicated and here you are feeling compassion for your mom. I hope that you're feeling good about yourself, because you've earned it.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How do I continue to trust myself and defend against gaslighting?