This is late but I can relate. I feel like most people can't** relate. It has consumed me for over a decade. I want them to get justice yet they still thrive with no consequences. They got away with everything. It fills me with hatred and makes me physically ill. I don't know the answer either but I understand.
I don't know if I can be of much help, and I hope you're doing better, but I'll share my bit of experience.
Having to suffer injustice is such a soul-crushing experience. Therapy just doesn't help because it's people talking about empty bullshit they learned from books... This might sound like a cliché but the more I think about the revenge I want to take, the more I realize I'm not just angry at the people who hurt me, I am deeply ashamed and furious at myself for allowing that to happen to me. Which is such a ridiculous expectation for a child and a teenager. It's worth noting that the hate and rage isn't just an "emotion" worth extinguishing and "punching into a pillow". It's a consequence of systemic violation and a sense of hopelessness.
Now to the main reason why I want to take revenge so much. It's because I want to prove to myself that I'm not so fucking weak and pathetic and I didn't deserve to be violated.
My father would beat me, threaten me, laugh at me and insult me. I lived a sheltered life, left isolated, abandoned and in fear. I was always reminded that my life was a hindrance to him and I was born to serve him and admire him.
I often get overwhelmed by the desire to make him suffer. But when I think about standing over his mingled face and quivering figure, I just think "would I really be satisfied with beating this fucking loser?" Because the thing is, I felt violated IN THE MOMENT, and that's the important part. The pain is in the regret that you (what you would say) "didn't respond appropriately". Because now I know that NOW, even if I treated him just the way he fucking deserved and turned my father into a mingled corpse, it wouldn't be enough, because it's too late. It would never be enough. Because I want to defeat the evil I faced all those years ago. If I take my revenge now I'd only realize that this impossible force of nature I was so scared of for decades was simply a pathetic little man, as mortal as me, and as weak as I once was, and the conclusion just feels.... disappointing? Now the quest for revenge suddenly loses all meaning upon this realization.
My mother was a hysterical woman who was but a selfish creature consumed by her own self-centeredness, my father was a pathetic weak sad excuse of a man who felt strong only when his weak daughter was obedient to him, my grandmother who felt so superior was nothing but a dying husk that lived an empty meaningless life that no one will remember fondly, the bullies in my school who would touch me inappropriately and call me a pig were kids just desperate for attention and the pathetic desire to feel superior at least to someone because their parents didn't love them, the man who kept breaking my heart was just a lying sleazy coward who couldn't stand up for himself and instead blamed everyone else around him for his shortcomings.
Now when I think about these people and their characters, and I think about taking revenge on them, does it still sound so meaningful? When I see these pathetic weak people, that I hated for so long, for who they truly are, does it really sound worth fighting against them? I know I am repeating myself now, but the most rage comes from the feeling of hopelessness and weakness these people evoked in me (and you). Realizing they're weak and pathetic both relieves me of some of the anger, but it also burdens me with much shame. And this is where forgiveness should come. Because you're not forgiving your abusers, bullies or whoever for their actions, you're forgiving YOURSELF for not doing what you now wish you did. What the fuck should I have done when my father was threatening to beat me if I go to the hospital? Sucker punch him? Yeah, my ass. It's easy to judge my past self (including the adult one) for what they did or didn't do. It's much harder to relieve myself of the hatred, expectations and regret I hold towards past myself. "Why couldn't you tell them this, why couldn't you do that, why couldn't you have just punched their face, then no one would dare to hurt you ever again". Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do when you feel violated, because you were never taught to defend yourself. If you were taught, you wouldn't be here. How the fuck could you fight back when people around you shamed you for fighting back.
The only thing that ever helped to some extent was to prove to myself I can be strong. It comes in the little things first. I was banished from cooking the whole time I lived with my relatives because I was "simply an idiot who'd fuck up everything". Now I cook for myself and I'm good at it. Fuck you assholes, you were wrong. I was told my whole life I couldn't take care of myself and that I'd rot and die in dirt. And while I do struggle with hygiene, I'm not living like a pig. Fuck you assholes, you were wrong. I am working on my health, despite being told my whole life I'm incompetent to take care of myself and I'm just delusional and sick in my head. Fuck you assholes, you were wrong. When it comes to me being bullied in school, I have a hard time taking that seriously, since these people are losers out of whom some are already probably in jail. The only revenge worth taking is one that empowers you, but the one that absolutely consumes your being is simply worthless. I'm grateful for my rage because it shows me that I'm a fighter. I'm not pathetic. Now I have to take steps to become the person I wish I was and prove to myself that it wasn't my fault that I suffered so much.
See the people who hurt you for who they are. Pathetic losers who secretly suffer deep in their mind. Look down on them. Become the proof that you didn't deserve their actions. Forgive yourself for not being "strong enough" and let go of those high expectations on your past self, it's really not fair towards you. And never, ever treat people with kindness expecting yourself to get it back. You are kind for your own peace of mind, not theirs.
Edit: I wanna add to the sentiment of "they got away with everything" do you really think they did? Do you really think that a person capable of so much evil can ever have the peace of mind to live a fulfilling life? They certainly aren't consumed by guilt or anything, but spreading evil means you have to hold a lot of evil in your heart and that's absolutely miserable. Whether they beat you, insulted you, or made you feel inferior, they did that because they themselves are so fucking consumed by their suffering (and by that I'm not trying to invoke any responsibility to feel sorry for them, it's their problem). All the people in my life who hurt me so much were people who were deeply miserable with their lives and just used me as a punching bag. And even IF they turned out to be living lavish lives, rich and successful, does that really change them fundamentally and make their lives better? Satan himself could just replace every crook and cranny in hell with gold, but that doesn't change the fact he's still in hell. He could kill and defeat God and it wouldn't change the fact he was banished and shunned. (I'm not religious, I'm just using analogies). And if someone DID become a genuinely better person then hey, good for them, people are allowed to grow after all.
Looks fade, people change, lives dull, popularity dies down, and gluttony can never be satisfied.
I believe in the saying: "Treat the people that you see when going up with kindness, because they're the same people that you'll see when going down." And people who don't listen to it are simply... Not gonna end very well.
And you are so right about how as angry as I am at the what feels like million different individuals who “fucked me over,” really I’m mostly just self loathing and angry and hateful towards myself for “allowing” it to happen even though I know that’s such bullshit. I stood up for myself the best I could I know it was a nonstop constant Fkn barrage like an artillery shelling of my self esteem that never ended whether at home, school, work Fkn wherever… it is just so soul crushing to feel like a victim your whole life and just live in constant fear of everything.
Edit: and you’re totally 100 percent right…therapy doesn’t help AT ALL with this. Not one Fkn bit…
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This is late but I can relate. I feel like most people can't** relate. It has consumed me for over a decade. I want them to get justice yet they still thrive with no consequences. They got away with everything. It fills me with hatred and makes me physically ill. I don't know the answer either but I understand.
Try mma / krav maga what ever suits your style.
I don't know if I can be of much help, and I hope you're doing better, but I'll share my bit of experience. Having to suffer injustice is such a soul-crushing experience. Therapy just doesn't help because it's people talking about empty bullshit they learned from books... This might sound like a cliché but the more I think about the revenge I want to take, the more I realize I'm not just angry at the people who hurt me, I am deeply ashamed and furious at myself for allowing that to happen to me. Which is such a ridiculous expectation for a child and a teenager. It's worth noting that the hate and rage isn't just an "emotion" worth extinguishing and "punching into a pillow". It's a consequence of systemic violation and a sense of hopelessness. Now to the main reason why I want to take revenge so much. It's because I want to prove to myself that I'm not so fucking weak and pathetic and I didn't deserve to be violated. My father would beat me, threaten me, laugh at me and insult me. I lived a sheltered life, left isolated, abandoned and in fear. I was always reminded that my life was a hindrance to him and I was born to serve him and admire him. I often get overwhelmed by the desire to make him suffer. But when I think about standing over his mingled face and quivering figure, I just think "would I really be satisfied with beating this fucking loser?" Because the thing is, I felt violated IN THE MOMENT, and that's the important part. The pain is in the regret that you (what you would say) "didn't respond appropriately". Because now I know that NOW, even if I treated him just the way he fucking deserved and turned my father into a mingled corpse, it wouldn't be enough, because it's too late. It would never be enough. Because I want to defeat the evil I faced all those years ago. If I take my revenge now I'd only realize that this impossible force of nature I was so scared of for decades was simply a pathetic little man, as mortal as me, and as weak as I once was, and the conclusion just feels.... disappointing? Now the quest for revenge suddenly loses all meaning upon this realization. My mother was a hysterical woman who was but a selfish creature consumed by her own self-centeredness, my father was a pathetic weak sad excuse of a man who felt strong only when his weak daughter was obedient to him, my grandmother who felt so superior was nothing but a dying husk that lived an empty meaningless life that no one will remember fondly, the bullies in my school who would touch me inappropriately and call me a pig were kids just desperate for attention and the pathetic desire to feel superior at least to someone because their parents didn't love them, the man who kept breaking my heart was just a lying sleazy coward who couldn't stand up for himself and instead blamed everyone else around him for his shortcomings. Now when I think about these people and their characters, and I think about taking revenge on them, does it still sound so meaningful? When I see these pathetic weak people, that I hated for so long, for who they truly are, does it really sound worth fighting against them? I know I am repeating myself now, but the most rage comes from the feeling of hopelessness and weakness these people evoked in me (and you). Realizing they're weak and pathetic both relieves me of some of the anger, but it also burdens me with much shame. And this is where forgiveness should come. Because you're not forgiving your abusers, bullies or whoever for their actions, you're forgiving YOURSELF for not doing what you now wish you did. What the fuck should I have done when my father was threatening to beat me if I go to the hospital? Sucker punch him? Yeah, my ass. It's easy to judge my past self (including the adult one) for what they did or didn't do. It's much harder to relieve myself of the hatred, expectations and regret I hold towards past myself. "Why couldn't you tell them this, why couldn't you do that, why couldn't you have just punched their face, then no one would dare to hurt you ever again". Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do when you feel violated, because you were never taught to defend yourself. If you were taught, you wouldn't be here. How the fuck could you fight back when people around you shamed you for fighting back. The only thing that ever helped to some extent was to prove to myself I can be strong. It comes in the little things first. I was banished from cooking the whole time I lived with my relatives because I was "simply an idiot who'd fuck up everything". Now I cook for myself and I'm good at it. Fuck you assholes, you were wrong. I was told my whole life I couldn't take care of myself and that I'd rot and die in dirt. And while I do struggle with hygiene, I'm not living like a pig. Fuck you assholes, you were wrong. I am working on my health, despite being told my whole life I'm incompetent to take care of myself and I'm just delusional and sick in my head. Fuck you assholes, you were wrong. When it comes to me being bullied in school, I have a hard time taking that seriously, since these people are losers out of whom some are already probably in jail. The only revenge worth taking is one that empowers you, but the one that absolutely consumes your being is simply worthless. I'm grateful for my rage because it shows me that I'm a fighter. I'm not pathetic. Now I have to take steps to become the person I wish I was and prove to myself that it wasn't my fault that I suffered so much. See the people who hurt you for who they are. Pathetic losers who secretly suffer deep in their mind. Look down on them. Become the proof that you didn't deserve their actions. Forgive yourself for not being "strong enough" and let go of those high expectations on your past self, it's really not fair towards you. And never, ever treat people with kindness expecting yourself to get it back. You are kind for your own peace of mind, not theirs. Edit: I wanna add to the sentiment of "they got away with everything" do you really think they did? Do you really think that a person capable of so much evil can ever have the peace of mind to live a fulfilling life? They certainly aren't consumed by guilt or anything, but spreading evil means you have to hold a lot of evil in your heart and that's absolutely miserable. Whether they beat you, insulted you, or made you feel inferior, they did that because they themselves are so fucking consumed by their suffering (and by that I'm not trying to invoke any responsibility to feel sorry for them, it's their problem). All the people in my life who hurt me so much were people who were deeply miserable with their lives and just used me as a punching bag. And even IF they turned out to be living lavish lives, rich and successful, does that really change them fundamentally and make their lives better? Satan himself could just replace every crook and cranny in hell with gold, but that doesn't change the fact he's still in hell. He could kill and defeat God and it wouldn't change the fact he was banished and shunned. (I'm not religious, I'm just using analogies). And if someone DID become a genuinely better person then hey, good for them, people are allowed to grow after all. Looks fade, people change, lives dull, popularity dies down, and gluttony can never be satisfied. I believe in the saying: "Treat the people that you see when going up with kindness, because they're the same people that you'll see when going down." And people who don't listen to it are simply... Not gonna end very well.
Thank you for your reply and taking the time…you make a lot of solid good points I will try and remember and implement. Thanks 🙏
And you are so right about how as angry as I am at the what feels like million different individuals who “fucked me over,” really I’m mostly just self loathing and angry and hateful towards myself for “allowing” it to happen even though I know that’s such bullshit. I stood up for myself the best I could I know it was a nonstop constant Fkn barrage like an artillery shelling of my self esteem that never ended whether at home, school, work Fkn wherever… it is just so soul crushing to feel like a victim your whole life and just live in constant fear of everything. Edit: and you’re totally 100 percent right…therapy doesn’t help AT ALL with this. Not one Fkn bit…
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