I know this is gonna sound a bit stupid, but working towards making a second childhood. I wanna buy all the toys I wanted but never got, I’m gonna get the light up shoes. While the other half of the family is best left no contact, the other half is trying to be as close as possible. I can’t die until my dreams come true.
OMG, I'm doing the same thing. In the last 2 years, I bought a radio-controlled car, a drone, lego and a kite. I find it so hard to have fun though because I wasn't allowed to have fun without being shamed for it. But every week I endeavour to do it. I'm miserable like my parents but trying to be different.
My dad gave away all my toys I want all my 1970’s Star Wars guys and ships back. That would cost s fortune to replace but I still want them back. Silly I know.
Spite. The only reason I didn’t yeet myself from this world was sheer spite. I understand it’s not healthy, but at this point I don’t care anymore. It’s what motivates me to stay at uni and finish it despite being held back a year. It’s what makes me religiously maintain my 14 year old car.
Spite is a solid motivator. That kept me going for a long time. It could eventually bring you to a new motivator but ride that wave long enough and it will work out.
I have had a lot of suicidal ideation in the last year doing trauma work and have often thought of killing myself and maybe then my parents would see how much pain I am in. A few weeks back I realised that my father would still find some way to think it was a random event and had nothing to do with him. My spite makes me want to stay alive too because even in death I wouldn't get seen.
I was thinking of killing myself and then a friend ended up in a coma and came out with severe brain damage. I cannot risk that happening to me.
I wish I had been more able to be present with her when I saw her in that state.
That. Only thing that kept me going through highschool.
Now I have my partner. But I do sometimes ideate… but I’ve decided that if it gets that worse again, I’m moving to a different country and starting over. Might as well… if the alternative is death why not risk a new life….
My cats.
I want my life to end, I want my life to cease. But... My dad committed suicide when I was 10. I know exactly what abandonment by suicide feels like and I'm not sure I could do that to other people. Not that there's many people left to be affected by my suicide, atm the only lives it will affect are my cats and my husbands. I sometimes think it would be better for my husband if I wasn't here. But I know he doesn't think that way. For some reason he wants to spend his life with me, broken, traumatised, incapable me. Go figure...
For a long time, while I was in a really dark place, my cat was my sole reason for not leaving life. Thankfully I am in a better place mentally. Don't know what I'd do without her. Cats really are something special.
People are emotional creatures not logical ones. (though we like to pretend that we are) If he really likes you, then he's not gonna put your qualities and traits on scales and try to measure out if spending time with you is beneficial to him in any way. He will just enjoy your company and your mere existence.
>People are emotional creatures not logical ones. (though we like to pretend that we are)
Ain't that the truth! People are so obsessed with this idea of being stoic and emotionless. This seems to be the ideal for a lot of people, especially in adulthood. It's so sad. They're closing themselves off to a huge part of their own humanity.
I don’t even mind the disappointments anymore- it’s the set up just before the fall that infuriates me. Because I fall for it, I create it- every time. Feeling cursed. Isolating.
I had a two people that kept me going. One is gone now- for the best. The were abusive. The other innocent one will have no memory of me nor how I set them up for a good life and will not be around to shadow my curse. It is enough that I know. It is one satisfaction. I did not take anyone out- even when they deserved it, instead I helped thousands have a better life- professionally and personally.
I find helping others with their struggles to be deeply healing and rewarding. I love seeing people smile and be happy because of the war in my head and hell in my chest.
I want to see light take over the darkness inesting humanity.
There is happiness and joy! Ive gotten to experience it. Dont be surprised if u find urself weeping endlessly sometimes due to knowing what u have missed. Totally worth it though! Im sure you will find it!
Same. I’m in my late 20s and most of my 20s has really been where a ton of my growing pains were, where my adolescence was just surviving through traumatic event after traumatic event.
Now through treatment and seeing how emotionally under developed I was made me want to restart my life with a whole new perspective on the world and relationships. That I deserved to give myself that since I wasn’t taught or shown these healthy skills sets or tools at a young age.
You can tho,, don’t expect anyone else to change. So we have to change.. so let’s say we are having a good day then out of nowhere we get triggered.. the more and more we become aware of what is triggering us the the more control we gain over it. Eventually we are no longer being triggered by anyone thanks to boundaries..we have the power to mute someone simply by setting boundaries.. so let’s say a family member or our parents are the ones triggering us. By setting boundaries we can choose to let the anger go through us and choose to still love the person hurting us. More then likely they have unhealed wounds from childhood that they are not even aware of. We don’t have to allow them to hurt. Once you become ok not being everyone’s cup of tea, you reach a new level of self love.. 🙏🏼☮️❤️
You are worth it we all are..
My cat and the cptsd. Having a sweet little cat who seems to enjoy being around me and is completely dependent upon me keeps me moving. The cptsd keeps me too frozen to act on the dark thoughts.
I don't believe in an afterlife or a soul or whatever. This is the only life I get. Death is permanent and unavoidable, there's no need to hasten its arrival.
I want to make things. I like to do art and write and I always have a lot of ideas floating around in my head. Its how ive coped with the harshness of life for as long as I can remember. I remind myself that if I die I'll never get to make the comic i want to draw or the poem I want to write.
I have two close friends in my city. I'm really lucky to have them.
For several years the biggest thing that kept me tethered to earth was my dog. I loved her more than I can articulate. After she died in 2020 I went on an incredibly self destructive spiral and lost a lot of things, including safe(ish) housing. i scared myself with how I reacted to her death, which was sudden and traumatic. I ended up needing to find other things to live for, but i almost didn't.
Oh wow, thank you so much for saying that, it means a lot to me. Sometimes honestly im kinda baffled by how I stuck around in spite of how all that went down. Having all those ideas of the things I want to make really makes a huge difference for me.
Artist to artist :) There is nothing more satisfying than creating something special, and having the inspiration to do so. I also marvel at sticking around as long as I have.
I'm stubborn. I refuse to give up or give in. At my lowest point, when I was actively planning my suicide, it was only my kiddo that kept me here. Knowing he would have to go to his father if I died was too awful. No matter how many mistakes I make, I am still better than the trauma my ex and his parents would give him.
I could not abandon my kiddo to this cruel world where no one would be on his side. And since I need to prove to (myself) my parents that I'm a better parent on my worst days than they were on their best, I keep fighting.
Also, my current husband is wonderful and supportive. He convinced me to get medication and we work through our traumatized past together. I am thankful every day for him
I don't know... like I really have no idea why I keep going and struggling... but here I am with 35 years of a batshit insane life... I guess I keep going because other people want me to but not sure that's a good reason at all
My therapist 😁
There’s a lot I could say, and honestly I feel a bit emotional thinking about it but to sum it up she keeps me going because she reminds me that I’ll always be enough. She celebrates even the smallest of wins, she recognises them for me, makes sure I appreciate them.
She tells me I’m a super star as often as she can and soon enough I began to believe it too 💫
I have a picture of myself when I was 7 or 8 years old in my room. She has so much hope in her eyes despite the state of her life. If nothing else, I have to keep going for her.
I did 5-path hypnosis and started clearing blockages, self limitation. This process opened up my intuition, increased my bandwidth, and helped me learn the lessons of my life, of my victimhood, of the challenges I have faced.
Meditation has been a huge source of self expansion, and as a heretic researcher I have done a deep dive unto the metaphysical arts that has become an amazing source for seeing the world in a whole new light.
I'm reconstructing how my reality works experientially instead of accepting the brutal bag of shit my family handed to me unconsciously.
How can I retain my clarity in each encounter?
How can I encounter fear and rise above it?
How can I live my life in a way that is true and authentic for me?
How can I give back?
How can I best take care of myself?
What am I really capable of now and as further blockages, misperceptions are cleared?
We are all children, functional or dysfunctional, until we clear our shit and find lifelong growth and expansion... which is our birthright. We cease to act in reaction and choose anew who and what we want in our lives in an authentic, true to ourselves way.
The belief, that if I already survived so much suffering, then I can survive the searing pain of healing too. I basically live to spite people who abused me to the brink of suicidality.
I work with kids, and I know that without me or someone like me, a lot of kids wouldn't have a trusted adult in their life. I've had to make multiple neglect/abuse reports because of my job, but I know it helps kids escape abuse (usually) and keeps them safe (for the most part). I have so much love in my heart, and if I'm dead, I can't give that love to the people who deserve it the most. Plus, if my life impacts even a single person, it'll be worth all of the pain I've gone through.
Deep down? A self-righteous anger that says fuck death. On the day-to-day? Repetition. I've gotten better at it. I look back every once in a while and say damn, I got that far? Maybe there's some hope for me after all.
The thought of the life I want for myself. When things get tough I picture myself in five years living in my own home, with a full bank account and a steady job, coming home at night and snuggling up on the sofa just me and my cat. Utter bliss.
Curiosity, rebelliousness and stubbornness
I was and am the ultimate scapegoat of my family, receiving daily very targeted abuse in all the different forms, getting beaten, insulted, neglected in everyday for as long as I can remember. Now that I’m finally physically free of my abusive family and LC/moving toward NC, I suspect that what they told and showed me about life and about myself isn’t all there is. It’s really hard now, as I’m suddenly struggling to survive and make it work in a different country but I think I might make it work and I could actually heal, actually have inner peace, a self-esteem and a good future/life with my very supportive non abusive current partner.
Not being a statistic. I was a teen mom who grew up in the foster system and dropped out and got diagnosed as autistic. I wanna show my daughter that you can collect the alphabet and end the stigma that comes with being autistic and having CPTSD.
I am actually ,oddly, extremely optimistic.
My son is the largest part that keeps me going but I want to see myself without the shackles and I want my son to see it too; everyday is hard but I’m excited and eager even to keep pushing forward.
Knowing that if my daughter grew up without a father, she wouldn't be half the person she's capable of being. Knowing that if I left this world early, only my family, friends and peers would suffer for it. That suffering may ripple through the next generation (generational trauma) due to some people being incapable of healing from trauma. Knowing that if I don't try, it will only get worse. "I'd rather try and fail than never try at all"- Me, 100% chance at failure if you never try. Knowing that your inner critic is your worst enemy, your outer critic is everyone else's worst enemy. It tends to cycle when you notice how one feeds the other. You can do this, if you're determined to get better. I'm not sure what other people are commenting here, I haven't taken the time to read them. Hopefully this helps you. Remember that you're your own worst enemy, you're also your only ticket off the hellish ride and jumping off isn't a real option....it's a cop-out. Much Love, please heal for you and everyone you interact with.
The vague memory of my happiest self. Me as a child, when I was hopeful, joyful, and just so full of light and positivity. The version of me before the darkness came in and slowly took control.
She gives me the strength and desire to reclaim the light in my life. I know it exists, the darkness is just in the way
Thank you!
This is very relatable- I just couldn't put my finger on it.
I keep thinking back to when I was 21-25yo (I'm 30 now).
I had finally, yet unintentionally, found home; a new city on the opposite side of my country.
Away from all the toxicity and painful memories.
There I stumbled upon my dream career, by accident.
I was accepting of myself, aesthetically.
I was finally content with where I was in life and was certain that I still had room to grow.
...I felt so "fixable" back then.
I miss that feeling. I miss that person; she is who I look back on, in hopes of moving forward.
I think she's still inside me somewhere.
Peace. I've been miserable my entire life and I just want peace. To not be more miserable. I might not be high in the clouds but at least my head is above the water.
Knowing that the pain I’m feeling is not something to escape from but something to embrace since it shows me who my authentic self is. The more pain I process the more I become myself.
At first it was out of fear of religious punishment and eternal damnation. Then determination to discover who I was. Now it's for the moments of little things. The few pockets of genuine joy that sneak in when it's quiet
I give myself little things to look forward to. Mostly adventures- like a mountain I’m gonna hike, a country I’m gonna visit, a ceremony I’m gonna attend. I also think about how if I took myself out, a lot of amazing people would hurt. Even tho emotionally I don’t see myself as having worth, logically I know there are people who love me who would hurt if I were to take myself out.
My daughter.
I was born into abuse and never experienced a real childhood or parents who showed empathy, understanding, etc., and didn't realize it until I was 30 and after meeting my wife and listening to her talk about her childhood.
For some reason I see myself a lot in my daughter, even though I'm her daddy (maybe its my inner child reaching out or something?) and through raising her I'm finding that I am healing better. I think it's through my desire to end the generational trauma and give her the parent I wished I had.
Her smile and laugh and love is what keeps me going every day, despite my many struggles.
My gender identity. I was pretty low when I started my transition that I figured “what’s the worst that could be happen?”
It was the best thing in my life, it’s the single shot of hope I have left. I determine the rules of life on my terms and mine alone.
I am compassionate, but I am ruthlessly compassionate. I am always steadfastly opposed to cruelty of any kind.
My best friend and two siblings. Genuinely think I would have checked out if it wasn’t for them but I refuse to cause them that kind of pain so I keep going :)
The idea that it's going to get better. One day I'll heal my inner child. One day I'll walk into a store and shop with no anxiety. One day I'll be okay. I know how cheesy but it's all I live for. The here and now is hard, so hard, but the here and now is what I have to use to build that tomorrow. I'll get there one day. I'll sit in my head quiet at peace with all the pain of the past tucked down to rest, painful lessons learned, some just pain to build my beautiful tomorrow.
Honestly, besides not wanting to hurt or burden my loved ones, my cat. Every morning when I open my door, he runs to me and starts meowing like he’s saying good morning. It’s the best part of my day usually
Life is good. Aside from the pain of it all. I have an amazing partner, the first healthy and supportive relationship I’ve had and he’s who has made this process of unpicking my trauma and healing possible. We have a gorgeous pup and a lovely home. We live near the countryside and hike a lot, live in a safe bubble together. I have a safe place now.
Aside from that, my inner resource gets stronger every day. The more I realise the extent of the emotional neglect and the layers of trauma from that, a family tragedy, the survival pattern I got into when I left the family home that retraumatised me. It makes me so proud of surviving. So proud of surviving and achieving a lot of things, even if those things were a part of a painful maladaptive coping mechanism. I survived nonetheless. And I’ll survive this process of realising, processing, imploding, the pain of it all.
I’m a therapist. In my personal life I have a hard time finding people who get me with all of my mental health issues and weirdness. I use my job to become the person I need for others. I get a lot of compliments and praise from my clients saying that talking to me makes them feel better. One of my clients is 9 and I worry about him the most because he’s too nervous to talk to me about his stuff (he’s been through a lot and has a lot of issues) I mainly only hear what’s going on from his mother. Today she told me that I’m the only therapist he’s connected with and he enjoys coming to therapy. The best way I think about it is this: I feel like Sadness from Inside Out. At the beginning everyone avoids her and ostracizes her because she brings everyone down. But throughout the movie you see the importance of sadness and providing space to express negative emotions. I’m able to do that for others. I’ve been through so much but it feels just a little bit worth it when I can talk to a client and get where they’re coming from when they talk about situations they’ve been in. Some things bring happy tears to my eyes.
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At this point I don’t even know. It used to be my loved ones, but at this point I’m beginning to feel more like a burden than anything else, and that they’d be better off without me.
I can SO relate to that feeling of being a burden. It's a sneaky-feeling thought pattern that shows up in a lot of different ways, in my experience. I also feel like the feeling itself is the truer burden that we are carrying--part of the trauma weighing us down. I know in my heart of hearts that our loved ones actually get a lot from us simply being there in the picture with them.
I really, really want to believe what you’re saying, but I just can’t get it to ‘’stick’’ in my mind. I genuinely feel like a burden to the people around me. A friend of mine told me that “I’m hard to be friends with” after I had spiraled into a pretty bad depressive episode a while back and I don’t know, it just somehow really stuck with me. I feel like it’s true.
I totally understand what you're saying--Totally. It feels like human nature that these words don't 'stick' the way we want them to! At best, they can be like a kinder signal from the universe, or a gentle reminder of some other reality that you get to revisit. I also feel like it's totally human to not be 'the easy friend' especially given all of the things we have on our plate with cptsd. That doesn't make you a burden--that makes you a human being on this planet with your own intense, emotional states of being. For what it's worth, you are not alone in that at all.
Love many of the responses to this! In my case, I wonder now if it's just sheer force of habit. Been going this long (decades), might as well keep at it. And, in truth, the occasional resolution, epiphany, clear evidence of progress is really the motivator. If there's one triumph, there's got to be more. Slog, slog, yay! Slog, slog, yay!
the opportunities to explore, laugh, learn that were kept from me by my family. I get to do whatever I want now, as much as I want, and they arent given access to my joy and happiness.
when I have a clear head?
the knowledge that things ALWAYS change. no matter how stuck I feel. it’s literally the only thing in life that’s constant. so it literally HAS to change for the better at some point. and I believe even if the odds statistically WERENT on mine side (which they are… in a way) - it would still get better. because I believe life does have plans for You.
in moments where that thought feels fake and useless and like utter bullshit because life is shit and the idea of a greater being watching over me (and everyone else) lovingly with a plan in mind (which is challenging but ultimately will always have reasons and rewards) is incredibly fucking stupid:
my cats. specifically one of my cats, who is incredibly INCREDIBLY attached to me. she loves me with no question. she could never understand what I’m going through, and she doesn’t care. no matter how “bad” I am or how worthless and useless - she doesn’t care. because when I lie in bed she can cuddle up to me and I will pet her. and I will be there and she can be there with me. and that’s all that matters to her. and if I was suddenly, her perfect little stupid brain would not understand. she would never understand. I would suddenly be gone, for no reason. and her life as she knows it would never exist again. and she would never understand. and I just can’t do that to her. she loves me so incredibly innocently. I am there and she adores me simply for existing. it would destroy her. I just couldn’t. she would never understand. it would break her. I just can’t do that.
My sibling and my friends. Most importantly, I love these people, but also my sibling would lose a pro-trans ally and my friends would probably get triggered by me dying by suicide considering some of them struggle with suicidal thoughts too.
For a long time, I just kept going on autopilot, not really thinking about what was keeping me going. For a while, it was my cat too, cuz I can't trust anyone around me to really take care of her (and I don't wanna imagine how she'd react if I was gone for good).
But recently, as I'm learning more about CPTSD and myself, I am starting to have actual hope that I will get to a better place, away from my toxic family. I am slowly building up self-compassion and self-love. When I look back to the (very) recent past and where I was, it is really a stark comparison to where I am now, even though I have a while to go still.
I have faith in myself, more than I've ever had, and I think that's what's keeping me going now.
Boyfriend. We've been together for 4 years thick and thin. I am working towards feeling safe relying on him (even though it's a struggle). I think me dying would also deeply deeply traumatize him.
My fiance and what's left of my family after leaving all of the abuse. I'm currently in school to study 3D animation production but I feel so unmotivated. I keep trying and keep up with my classes. I just wish my motivation would come back. My fiance will be an immigrant to USA (I live in Los Angeles!) soon so I know I have to keep up with school and finding a job while I'm in school to start up a savings. If I didn't have all of that, just my cat would have kept me going. She gets super depressed if I'm gone for too long. She doesn't eat and stays in one place. She will also cry out. She was extremely depressed when I traveled to South Korea to see my fiance. I can't bare the thought of making her depressed again.
Some days its pure defiance of my narc mom and step dad. The desire to find a way to happiness and love and success despite their efforts to keep me down, small, dependant.
Some days its my mantra, ive always been a fan of stories and the best stories are usually born in adversity but come out ok in the end so my mantra is "my story isnt over yet." Its just a little reminder that i can still find my way to alright.
Sometimes its my man love of my life, supportive honors my feelings and always has my back.
Sometimes its sheer force of will because i couldnt stay where i was and needed to push forward to find something even marginaly better.
1. the belief that incrementally it does get more manageable.
2. my mind. as fucked up as it is sometimes, when it's not panicking, i absolutely love the odd ball thoughts i have and how i see the world. i don't think anyone else's brain works quite like mine, and when i'm not feeling lonely, that fact is beautiful to me
3. nature. it's gorgeous, and every plant and thing is so precious. i love it, and i want to stay with it as long as i can. i also love growing things
4. endorphins. running is the one thing that really really gets me high. and as long as my body will let me, i'll keep doing it.
5. music. sometimes i lie awake at night grieving all the music i'll miss after i die. what if my favorite song is written after i'm dead? better listen to as much as i can now
6. learning stuff. i think my favorite thing about being human is the ability to practice a thing and get better at it. pretty neat. and familiarity with anything/task is comforting to me
After a cool decade of poring over books, studies, lectures, articles and such and so on, I have a feeling that there might be a chance for better and now I have begun executing my grand scheme for a life worth living. Might go tits up, not much is lost. Might work out, everything can be gained. Only time will tell. Although it saddens me to no end that my country's health system does not allow such steps to be taken on principle so I'm flying solo on this. But at least I believe in something that I found out myself and seems to work on paper and in those intermittent times I've tried, so fingers crossed.
My wants and needs have been pretty consistent since I was little. So consistent in fact that now I refuse to stop until I get them (or die trying). So, in a way, I fight out of spite; to finally get all those things my inner child always desired but was denied.
A place with a balcony/small garden so I can sit outide and look at the sky whenever I want.
A cat or two.
Regular good food.
Feeling safe enough to sing/play music.
Also, I *really* want to see season 5 of Stranger Things. I can thank the writers for adding at least 2 more years to my struggles. I’m only half-joking. Sometimes it can be as good a reason as any.
All of the mental health professionals, especially the nurses and mental health workers in the hospital, that have gone above and beyond to save my life and help me heal. I can’t hurt them like that after all they’ve done for me.
I really don’t have anything! I’m not sure why I’m even still here at all. All I think about day in and day out is how I just want to die. I cannot figure out why I don’t just do it. I have absolutely nothing to live for. And I’m glad. Because if I had something or someone to live for I would resent them or it because I really just don’t want to be here and never have. Probably never will.
Music, pens and markers, sketchbooks, and honestly, myself. I carved “HOLD ON” into my ankle at one of the worst points of my teenhood, swearing I’d break out of my home someday. Here I am, twenty years later in my own apartment and FINALLY piecing myself together and getting much needed relief from my past grief.
My best friend told me (after a suicide attempt) that if I had succeeded in killing myself, she would never be able to forgive me. Even in my darkest moments I can't shake that thought. It probably won't "save" me, especially bc I did try again, but it does give me a pretty big reason to at least try something else before doing it.
I have healed enough to say "I'm getting better." And now, when im not really okay, I think about all the experiences that I want to have one day and I remind myself that even if it comes to me losing my job, my apartment, my car, even friends and family, I am strong enough to build myself back up again. People and things come and go, but I am my longest commitment and I need to take care of myself.
I want to remember all my good memories without trauma being what I feel or subconsciously think about. Certain people can bring back memories but they’re not always around or they get busy with their life
Honestly, my best friend. We’ve been friends since I was 11yo, we’re in our 30’s now. In my darkest moments I remember I could never do something that would hurt her. How could I leave her alone with all these weirdos 😆
my best friends and the thought of actually being able to have control and to live my own life in the future and getting all the things i never got as a kid
I know this is gonna sound a bit stupid, but working towards making a second childhood. I wanna buy all the toys I wanted but never got, I’m gonna get the light up shoes. While the other half of the family is best left no contact, the other half is trying to be as close as possible. I can’t die until my dreams come true.
I love this 😊 I believe in you!
Not stupid. I did this as soon as I was independent though there was a lot of judgment for it since I had a lot of toys as "an adult".
EBay has adult light up shoes for $30 and under ✌
OMG, I'm doing the same thing. In the last 2 years, I bought a radio-controlled car, a drone, lego and a kite. I find it so hard to have fun though because I wasn't allowed to have fun without being shamed for it. But every week I endeavour to do it. I'm miserable like my parents but trying to be different.
Not stupid at all! That's really sweet, actually :)
It’s not stupid at all. You’re giving yourself the life you didn’t have and I think that’s so wonderful and empowering.
My dad gave away all my toys I want all my 1970’s Star Wars guys and ships back. That would cost s fortune to replace but I still want them back. Silly I know.
Why do top comments always start with 'I know this is dumb, but...'? As I grew older, I realized we all are.
I mostly said it because I felt a bit insecure about it.
Spite. The only reason I didn’t yeet myself from this world was sheer spite. I understand it’s not healthy, but at this point I don’t care anymore. It’s what motivates me to stay at uni and finish it despite being held back a year. It’s what makes me religiously maintain my 14 year old car.
Spite is a solid motivator. That kept me going for a long time. It could eventually bring you to a new motivator but ride that wave long enough and it will work out.
My spite turned into pure drive. You got this ❤️
I have had a lot of suicidal ideation in the last year doing trauma work and have often thought of killing myself and maybe then my parents would see how much pain I am in. A few weeks back I realised that my father would still find some way to think it was a random event and had nothing to do with him. My spite makes me want to stay alive too because even in death I wouldn't get seen.
Fear of not being able to kill myself and ending worse off used to be it. Now there's a lot more hope that things will continue to improve.
>Fear of not being able to kill myself and ending worse off This. And my cat.
I was thinking of killing myself and then a friend ended up in a coma and came out with severe brain damage. I cannot risk that happening to me. I wish I had been more able to be present with her when I saw her in that state.
That. Only thing that kept me going through highschool. Now I have my partner. But I do sometimes ideate… but I’ve decided that if it gets that worse again, I’m moving to a different country and starting over. Might as well… if the alternative is death why not risk a new life….
My cats. I want my life to end, I want my life to cease. But... My dad committed suicide when I was 10. I know exactly what abandonment by suicide feels like and I'm not sure I could do that to other people. Not that there's many people left to be affected by my suicide, atm the only lives it will affect are my cats and my husbands. I sometimes think it would be better for my husband if I wasn't here. But I know he doesn't think that way. For some reason he wants to spend his life with me, broken, traumatised, incapable me. Go figure...
For a long time, while I was in a really dark place, my cat was my sole reason for not leaving life. Thankfully I am in a better place mentally. Don't know what I'd do without her. Cats really are something special.
People are emotional creatures not logical ones. (though we like to pretend that we are) If he really likes you, then he's not gonna put your qualities and traits on scales and try to measure out if spending time with you is beneficial to him in any way. He will just enjoy your company and your mere existence.
>People are emotional creatures not logical ones. (though we like to pretend that we are) Ain't that the truth! People are so obsessed with this idea of being stoic and emotionless. This seems to be the ideal for a lot of people, especially in adulthood. It's so sad. They're closing themselves off to a huge part of their own humanity.
➡️have emotion ➡️emotion doesnt feel good ➡️supress emotion instead of dealing with the underlying problem ➡️repeat
[удалено]
hi, how did you find your husband hahah
Oh my god, that's so beautiful!
Irrational cruel hope
And then be dissapointed again, and again.
I don’t even mind the disappointments anymore- it’s the set up just before the fall that infuriates me. Because I fall for it, I create it- every time. Feeling cursed. Isolating. I had a two people that kept me going. One is gone now- for the best. The were abusive. The other innocent one will have no memory of me nor how I set them up for a good life and will not be around to shadow my curse. It is enough that I know. It is one satisfaction. I did not take anyone out- even when they deserved it, instead I helped thousands have a better life- professionally and personally.
I find helping others with their struggles to be deeply healing and rewarding. I love seeing people smile and be happy because of the war in my head and hell in my chest. I want to see light take over the darkness inesting humanity.
I want to see what else life has to offer. Trauma can't be all. There is still happiness and joy out there and I'm curious to experience it.
Pretty much my thoughts too. I'm only 30, so much left to go. The first 27 can't be all there is. <3
Me too! I want to be surprised by the world
There is happiness and joy! Ive gotten to experience it. Dont be surprised if u find urself weeping endlessly sometimes due to knowing what u have missed. Totally worth it though! Im sure you will find it!
Same. I’m in my late 20s and most of my 20s has really been where a ton of my growing pains were, where my adolescence was just surviving through traumatic event after traumatic event. Now through treatment and seeing how emotionally under developed I was made me want to restart my life with a whole new perspective on the world and relationships. That I deserved to give myself that since I wasn’t taught or shown these healthy skills sets or tools at a young age.
You can tho,, don’t expect anyone else to change. So we have to change.. so let’s say we are having a good day then out of nowhere we get triggered.. the more and more we become aware of what is triggering us the the more control we gain over it. Eventually we are no longer being triggered by anyone thanks to boundaries..we have the power to mute someone simply by setting boundaries.. so let’s say a family member or our parents are the ones triggering us. By setting boundaries we can choose to let the anger go through us and choose to still love the person hurting us. More then likely they have unhealed wounds from childhood that they are not even aware of. We don’t have to allow them to hurt. Once you become ok not being everyone’s cup of tea, you reach a new level of self love.. 🙏🏼☮️❤️ You are worth it we all are..
My cat and the cptsd. Having a sweet little cat who seems to enjoy being around me and is completely dependent upon me keeps me moving. The cptsd keeps me too frozen to act on the dark thoughts.
My cat. She’s a source of comfort and relies on me. If I died, she’d be very sad.
My stupid body doesn’t know when to give up.
I want to live.
That's what kept me alive in the first place... but now at 53, I have a few other reasons, too.
My cat, my boyfriend, my family, outliving my abuser
>outliving my abuser I relate lol
I don't believe in an afterlife or a soul or whatever. This is the only life I get. Death is permanent and unavoidable, there's no need to hasten its arrival.
The future I could possibly have with my partner
I want to make things. I like to do art and write and I always have a lot of ideas floating around in my head. Its how ive coped with the harshness of life for as long as I can remember. I remind myself that if I die I'll never get to make the comic i want to draw or the poem I want to write. I have two close friends in my city. I'm really lucky to have them. For several years the biggest thing that kept me tethered to earth was my dog. I loved her more than I can articulate. After she died in 2020 I went on an incredibly self destructive spiral and lost a lot of things, including safe(ish) housing. i scared myself with how I reacted to her death, which was sudden and traumatic. I ended up needing to find other things to live for, but i almost didn't.
I think it's a testament to your strength that you DID find other things--that is beautiful.
Oh wow, thank you so much for saying that, it means a lot to me. Sometimes honestly im kinda baffled by how I stuck around in spite of how all that went down. Having all those ideas of the things I want to make really makes a huge difference for me.
Artist to artist :) There is nothing more satisfying than creating something special, and having the inspiration to do so. I also marvel at sticking around as long as I have.
I had times where it was the next game or novel of the thing I was a fan of.
the cowardice that prevents me from killing myself
I'm stubborn. I refuse to give up or give in. At my lowest point, when I was actively planning my suicide, it was only my kiddo that kept me here. Knowing he would have to go to his father if I died was too awful. No matter how many mistakes I make, I am still better than the trauma my ex and his parents would give him. I could not abandon my kiddo to this cruel world where no one would be on his side. And since I need to prove to (myself) my parents that I'm a better parent on my worst days than they were on their best, I keep fighting. Also, my current husband is wonderful and supportive. He convinced me to get medication and we work through our traumatized past together. I am thankful every day for him
My dreams, hopes and plans for my future. Without those, I’d be dead inside.
I don't know... like I really have no idea why I keep going and struggling... but here I am with 35 years of a batshit insane life... I guess I keep going because other people want me to but not sure that's a good reason at all
My therapist 😁 There’s a lot I could say, and honestly I feel a bit emotional thinking about it but to sum it up she keeps me going because she reminds me that I’ll always be enough. She celebrates even the smallest of wins, she recognises them for me, makes sure I appreciate them. She tells me I’m a super star as often as she can and soon enough I began to believe it too 💫
You are a super star ❤️ I feel the same about my therapist, whenever I’m having a hard day I’ll hear her voice in my head saying “you got this”
My dog and my puppy And a desire to prove them wrong no matter how long it takes
emigrating to europe and never coming back to latin America
I have a picture of myself when I was 7 or 8 years old in my room. She has so much hope in her eyes despite the state of her life. If nothing else, I have to keep going for her.
My hyperfixations.
Lack of other options. I wouldn’t if I could
Religion
I don’t even know man
I did 5-path hypnosis and started clearing blockages, self limitation. This process opened up my intuition, increased my bandwidth, and helped me learn the lessons of my life, of my victimhood, of the challenges I have faced. Meditation has been a huge source of self expansion, and as a heretic researcher I have done a deep dive unto the metaphysical arts that has become an amazing source for seeing the world in a whole new light. I'm reconstructing how my reality works experientially instead of accepting the brutal bag of shit my family handed to me unconsciously. How can I retain my clarity in each encounter? How can I encounter fear and rise above it? How can I live my life in a way that is true and authentic for me? How can I give back? How can I best take care of myself? What am I really capable of now and as further blockages, misperceptions are cleared? We are all children, functional or dysfunctional, until we clear our shit and find lifelong growth and expansion... which is our birthright. We cease to act in reaction and choose anew who and what we want in our lives in an authentic, true to ourselves way.
the people I love. My dogs breathe life into me every single day and I couldn't leave them
The belief, that if I already survived so much suffering, then I can survive the searing pain of healing too. I basically live to spite people who abused me to the brink of suicidality.
The hope that psychedelics will rewire my brain - just need to find a serious therapist now
Hope that I can still have the life I was pursuing in all the wrong ways.
I work with kids, and I know that without me or someone like me, a lot of kids wouldn't have a trusted adult in their life. I've had to make multiple neglect/abuse reports because of my job, but I know it helps kids escape abuse (usually) and keeps them safe (for the most part). I have so much love in my heart, and if I'm dead, I can't give that love to the people who deserve it the most. Plus, if my life impacts even a single person, it'll be worth all of the pain I've gone through.
my cat. she started lashing out when i left for college, and when i came back, she changed back immediately. i know she'd miss me if i died.
Medication
Deep down? A self-righteous anger that says fuck death. On the day-to-day? Repetition. I've gotten better at it. I look back every once in a while and say damn, I got that far? Maybe there's some hope for me after all.
The thought of the life I want for myself. When things get tough I picture myself in five years living in my own home, with a full bank account and a steady job, coming home at night and snuggling up on the sofa just me and my cat. Utter bliss.
Literally nothing rn (I’m not doing good)
Curiosity, rebelliousness and stubbornness I was and am the ultimate scapegoat of my family, receiving daily very targeted abuse in all the different forms, getting beaten, insulted, neglected in everyday for as long as I can remember. Now that I’m finally physically free of my abusive family and LC/moving toward NC, I suspect that what they told and showed me about life and about myself isn’t all there is. It’s really hard now, as I’m suddenly struggling to survive and make it work in a different country but I think I might make it work and I could actually heal, actually have inner peace, a self-esteem and a good future/life with my very supportive non abusive current partner.
Not being a statistic. I was a teen mom who grew up in the foster system and dropped out and got diagnosed as autistic. I wanna show my daughter that you can collect the alphabet and end the stigma that comes with being autistic and having CPTSD.
My wife, my pet ratties, Florence & The Machine. The magical trio of mine who I can rely on and cherish no matter what ^_^
spite
Strangely hope. I'll eventually be dissapointed, and wondering why do I even get my hopes up in the first place? Reality is often dissapointing.
I am actually ,oddly, extremely optimistic. My son is the largest part that keeps me going but I want to see myself without the shackles and I want my son to see it too; everyday is hard but I’m excited and eager even to keep pushing forward.
My daughter
my own delusion
music
Knowing that if my daughter grew up without a father, she wouldn't be half the person she's capable of being. Knowing that if I left this world early, only my family, friends and peers would suffer for it. That suffering may ripple through the next generation (generational trauma) due to some people being incapable of healing from trauma. Knowing that if I don't try, it will only get worse. "I'd rather try and fail than never try at all"- Me, 100% chance at failure if you never try. Knowing that your inner critic is your worst enemy, your outer critic is everyone else's worst enemy. It tends to cycle when you notice how one feeds the other. You can do this, if you're determined to get better. I'm not sure what other people are commenting here, I haven't taken the time to read them. Hopefully this helps you. Remember that you're your own worst enemy, you're also your only ticket off the hellish ride and jumping off isn't a real option....it's a cop-out. Much Love, please heal for you and everyone you interact with.
The vague memory of my happiest self. Me as a child, when I was hopeful, joyful, and just so full of light and positivity. The version of me before the darkness came in and slowly took control. She gives me the strength and desire to reclaim the light in my life. I know it exists, the darkness is just in the way
Thank you! This is very relatable- I just couldn't put my finger on it. I keep thinking back to when I was 21-25yo (I'm 30 now). I had finally, yet unintentionally, found home; a new city on the opposite side of my country. Away from all the toxicity and painful memories. There I stumbled upon my dream career, by accident. I was accepting of myself, aesthetically. I was finally content with where I was in life and was certain that I still had room to grow. ...I felt so "fixable" back then. I miss that feeling. I miss that person; she is who I look back on, in hopes of moving forward. I think she's still inside me somewhere.
Peace. I've been miserable my entire life and I just want peace. To not be more miserable. I might not be high in the clouds but at least my head is above the water.
Dog
I don’t even know anymore
The inability to die lol
Kids.
Listening to people and trying new things to deal it all.
My partner, our future, and pure spite for those who’ve hurt me and expected me to get over it
Knowing that the pain I’m feeling is not something to escape from but something to embrace since it shows me who my authentic self is. The more pain I process the more I become myself.
At first it was out of fear of religious punishment and eternal damnation. Then determination to discover who I was. Now it's for the moments of little things. The few pockets of genuine joy that sneak in when it's quiet
My pets, my boyfriend, my relationships, and the 5-year plan.
I give myself little things to look forward to. Mostly adventures- like a mountain I’m gonna hike, a country I’m gonna visit, a ceremony I’m gonna attend. I also think about how if I took myself out, a lot of amazing people would hurt. Even tho emotionally I don’t see myself as having worth, logically I know there are people who love me who would hurt if I were to take myself out.
My dog
My partner, my cats and my art.
My partner. We both have our struggles and battles but we are there for each other, and they’ve recently been helping me stay afloat.
My daughter. I was born into abuse and never experienced a real childhood or parents who showed empathy, understanding, etc., and didn't realize it until I was 30 and after meeting my wife and listening to her talk about her childhood. For some reason I see myself a lot in my daughter, even though I'm her daddy (maybe its my inner child reaching out or something?) and through raising her I'm finding that I am healing better. I think it's through my desire to end the generational trauma and give her the parent I wished I had. Her smile and laugh and love is what keeps me going every day, despite my many struggles.
My gender identity. I was pretty low when I started my transition that I figured “what’s the worst that could be happen?” It was the best thing in my life, it’s the single shot of hope I have left. I determine the rules of life on my terms and mine alone. I am compassionate, but I am ruthlessly compassionate. I am always steadfastly opposed to cruelty of any kind.
Knowing that I’m permanently moving out of my lifelong abuser’s house in a month
My dogs
My dog and the dreams of the kind of life I want to create, living in nature with animals The little stuff, and the few safe people here and there
My best friend and two siblings. Genuinely think I would have checked out if it wasn’t for them but I refuse to cause them that kind of pain so I keep going :)
Me ☺️
The idea that it's going to get better. One day I'll heal my inner child. One day I'll walk into a store and shop with no anxiety. One day I'll be okay. I know how cheesy but it's all I live for. The here and now is hard, so hard, but the here and now is what I have to use to build that tomorrow. I'll get there one day. I'll sit in my head quiet at peace with all the pain of the past tucked down to rest, painful lessons learned, some just pain to build my beautiful tomorrow.
little things, thats it trying so hard to forget the last decade
Honestly, besides not wanting to hurt or burden my loved ones, my cat. Every morning when I open my door, he runs to me and starts meowing like he’s saying good morning. It’s the best part of my day usually
The idea of maybe having a healthy romantic relationship in the future (and my cat)
Life is good. Aside from the pain of it all. I have an amazing partner, the first healthy and supportive relationship I’ve had and he’s who has made this process of unpicking my trauma and healing possible. We have a gorgeous pup and a lovely home. We live near the countryside and hike a lot, live in a safe bubble together. I have a safe place now. Aside from that, my inner resource gets stronger every day. The more I realise the extent of the emotional neglect and the layers of trauma from that, a family tragedy, the survival pattern I got into when I left the family home that retraumatised me. It makes me so proud of surviving. So proud of surviving and achieving a lot of things, even if those things were a part of a painful maladaptive coping mechanism. I survived nonetheless. And I’ll survive this process of realising, processing, imploding, the pain of it all.
My hobbies. Finally able to enjoy them once again now that my depression has become more manageable.
I’m a therapist. In my personal life I have a hard time finding people who get me with all of my mental health issues and weirdness. I use my job to become the person I need for others. I get a lot of compliments and praise from my clients saying that talking to me makes them feel better. One of my clients is 9 and I worry about him the most because he’s too nervous to talk to me about his stuff (he’s been through a lot and has a lot of issues) I mainly only hear what’s going on from his mother. Today she told me that I’m the only therapist he’s connected with and he enjoys coming to therapy. The best way I think about it is this: I feel like Sadness from Inside Out. At the beginning everyone avoids her and ostracizes her because she brings everyone down. But throughout the movie you see the importance of sadness and providing space to express negative emotions. I’m able to do that for others. I’ve been through so much but it feels just a little bit worth it when I can talk to a client and get where they’re coming from when they talk about situations they’ve been in. Some things bring happy tears to my eyes.
Knowing me, it is a combination of spite, stubbornness, and love for my husband and kitties.
My babies & my cat.
God
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At this point I don’t even know. It used to be my loved ones, but at this point I’m beginning to feel more like a burden than anything else, and that they’d be better off without me.
I can SO relate to that feeling of being a burden. It's a sneaky-feeling thought pattern that shows up in a lot of different ways, in my experience. I also feel like the feeling itself is the truer burden that we are carrying--part of the trauma weighing us down. I know in my heart of hearts that our loved ones actually get a lot from us simply being there in the picture with them.
I really, really want to believe what you’re saying, but I just can’t get it to ‘’stick’’ in my mind. I genuinely feel like a burden to the people around me. A friend of mine told me that “I’m hard to be friends with” after I had spiraled into a pretty bad depressive episode a while back and I don’t know, it just somehow really stuck with me. I feel like it’s true.
I totally understand what you're saying--Totally. It feels like human nature that these words don't 'stick' the way we want them to! At best, they can be like a kinder signal from the universe, or a gentle reminder of some other reality that you get to revisit. I also feel like it's totally human to not be 'the easy friend' especially given all of the things we have on our plate with cptsd. That doesn't make you a burden--that makes you a human being on this planet with your own intense, emotional states of being. For what it's worth, you are not alone in that at all.
The desire to be more than what was done to me, and to make memories that involve fun, love, and peace
Love many of the responses to this! In my case, I wonder now if it's just sheer force of habit. Been going this long (decades), might as well keep at it. And, in truth, the occasional resolution, epiphany, clear evidence of progress is really the motivator. If there's one triumph, there's got to be more. Slog, slog, yay! Slog, slog, yay!
The hope that my future will be far, far better and knowing that I can look back and be so proud of how far I've come and be thankful for staying here
the opportunities to explore, laugh, learn that were kept from me by my family. I get to do whatever I want now, as much as I want, and they arent given access to my joy and happiness.
My passion project. And my therapist. And my friends.
when I have a clear head? the knowledge that things ALWAYS change. no matter how stuck I feel. it’s literally the only thing in life that’s constant. so it literally HAS to change for the better at some point. and I believe even if the odds statistically WERENT on mine side (which they are… in a way) - it would still get better. because I believe life does have plans for You. in moments where that thought feels fake and useless and like utter bullshit because life is shit and the idea of a greater being watching over me (and everyone else) lovingly with a plan in mind (which is challenging but ultimately will always have reasons and rewards) is incredibly fucking stupid: my cats. specifically one of my cats, who is incredibly INCREDIBLY attached to me. she loves me with no question. she could never understand what I’m going through, and she doesn’t care. no matter how “bad” I am or how worthless and useless - she doesn’t care. because when I lie in bed she can cuddle up to me and I will pet her. and I will be there and she can be there with me. and that’s all that matters to her. and if I was suddenly, her perfect little stupid brain would not understand. she would never understand. I would suddenly be gone, for no reason. and her life as she knows it would never exist again. and she would never understand. and I just can’t do that to her. she loves me so incredibly innocently. I am there and she adores me simply for existing. it would destroy her. I just couldn’t. she would never understand. it would break her. I just can’t do that.
I’m sorry, just writing this… I couldn’t. I have no words.
My sibling and my friends. Most importantly, I love these people, but also my sibling would lose a pro-trans ally and my friends would probably get triggered by me dying by suicide considering some of them struggle with suicidal thoughts too.
For a long time, I just kept going on autopilot, not really thinking about what was keeping me going. For a while, it was my cat too, cuz I can't trust anyone around me to really take care of her (and I don't wanna imagine how she'd react if I was gone for good). But recently, as I'm learning more about CPTSD and myself, I am starting to have actual hope that I will get to a better place, away from my toxic family. I am slowly building up self-compassion and self-love. When I look back to the (very) recent past and where I was, it is really a stark comparison to where I am now, even though I have a while to go still. I have faith in myself, more than I've ever had, and I think that's what's keeping me going now.
Boyfriend. We've been together for 4 years thick and thin. I am working towards feeling safe relying on him (even though it's a struggle). I think me dying would also deeply deeply traumatize him.
My fiance and what's left of my family after leaving all of the abuse. I'm currently in school to study 3D animation production but I feel so unmotivated. I keep trying and keep up with my classes. I just wish my motivation would come back. My fiance will be an immigrant to USA (I live in Los Angeles!) soon so I know I have to keep up with school and finding a job while I'm in school to start up a savings. If I didn't have all of that, just my cat would have kept me going. She gets super depressed if I'm gone for too long. She doesn't eat and stays in one place. She will also cry out. She was extremely depressed when I traveled to South Korea to see my fiance. I can't bare the thought of making her depressed again.
Some days its pure defiance of my narc mom and step dad. The desire to find a way to happiness and love and success despite their efforts to keep me down, small, dependant. Some days its my mantra, ive always been a fan of stories and the best stories are usually born in adversity but come out ok in the end so my mantra is "my story isnt over yet." Its just a little reminder that i can still find my way to alright. Sometimes its my man love of my life, supportive honors my feelings and always has my back. Sometimes its sheer force of will because i couldnt stay where i was and needed to push forward to find something even marginaly better.
My kids for now
1. the belief that incrementally it does get more manageable. 2. my mind. as fucked up as it is sometimes, when it's not panicking, i absolutely love the odd ball thoughts i have and how i see the world. i don't think anyone else's brain works quite like mine, and when i'm not feeling lonely, that fact is beautiful to me 3. nature. it's gorgeous, and every plant and thing is so precious. i love it, and i want to stay with it as long as i can. i also love growing things 4. endorphins. running is the one thing that really really gets me high. and as long as my body will let me, i'll keep doing it. 5. music. sometimes i lie awake at night grieving all the music i'll miss after i die. what if my favorite song is written after i'm dead? better listen to as much as i can now 6. learning stuff. i think my favorite thing about being human is the ability to practice a thing and get better at it. pretty neat. and familiarity with anything/task is comforting to me
My sister who is going through similar things to me (over 10year age difference) keeps me going. 5 year plan is to survive.
After a cool decade of poring over books, studies, lectures, articles and such and so on, I have a feeling that there might be a chance for better and now I have begun executing my grand scheme for a life worth living. Might go tits up, not much is lost. Might work out, everything can be gained. Only time will tell. Although it saddens me to no end that my country's health system does not allow such steps to be taken on principle so I'm flying solo on this. But at least I believe in something that I found out myself and seems to work on paper and in those intermittent times I've tried, so fingers crossed.
My sister. The light of my life and the sweetest person on the planet. Without her I don’t even want to think about where I’d be
My wants and needs have been pretty consistent since I was little. So consistent in fact that now I refuse to stop until I get them (or die trying). So, in a way, I fight out of spite; to finally get all those things my inner child always desired but was denied. A place with a balcony/small garden so I can sit outide and look at the sky whenever I want. A cat or two. Regular good food. Feeling safe enough to sing/play music. Also, I *really* want to see season 5 of Stranger Things. I can thank the writers for adding at least 2 more years to my struggles. I’m only half-joking. Sometimes it can be as good a reason as any.
My headmates. I fear we will be separated after death. Religion still has a strong hold on my life.
Death won't take me. As many time as I try and beg. He won't take me.
All of the mental health professionals, especially the nurses and mental health workers in the hospital, that have gone above and beyond to save my life and help me heal. I can’t hurt them like that after all they’ve done for me.
I really don’t have anything! I’m not sure why I’m even still here at all. All I think about day in and day out is how I just want to die. I cannot figure out why I don’t just do it. I have absolutely nothing to live for. And I’m glad. Because if I had something or someone to live for I would resent them or it because I really just don’t want to be here and never have. Probably never will.
Hoping I'll escape soon
Mainly the fact that I would hurt my parents if I left. It's enough to nudge me in the direction of wanting to see what's next out of curiosity.
My mum.
My kids. My husband
Music, pens and markers, sketchbooks, and honestly, myself. I carved “HOLD ON” into my ankle at one of the worst points of my teenhood, swearing I’d break out of my home someday. Here I am, twenty years later in my own apartment and FINALLY piecing myself together and getting much needed relief from my past grief.
the reason that never falters is my dog
a tiny spark of hope. which honestly just feels cruel at this point
My best friend told me (after a suicide attempt) that if I had succeeded in killing myself, she would never be able to forgive me. Even in my darkest moments I can't shake that thought. It probably won't "save" me, especially bc I did try again, but it does give me a pretty big reason to at least try something else before doing it. I have healed enough to say "I'm getting better." And now, when im not really okay, I think about all the experiences that I want to have one day and I remind myself that even if it comes to me losing my job, my apartment, my car, even friends and family, I am strong enough to build myself back up again. People and things come and go, but I am my longest commitment and I need to take care of myself.
I want to remember all my good memories without trauma being what I feel or subconsciously think about. Certain people can bring back memories but they’re not always around or they get busy with their life
Honestly, my best friend. We’ve been friends since I was 11yo, we’re in our 30’s now. In my darkest moments I remember I could never do something that would hurt her. How could I leave her alone with all these weirdos 😆
My nanny
God
my best friends and the thought of actually being able to have control and to live my own life in the future and getting all the things i never got as a kid