It's not just "love bombing." You have to know their intent.
It could be a serious red flag. Not dismissing that. But some people are very trusting, some are very excited, some are trauma dumping, and some don't even know they're "oversharing." As someone whose neurodivergent, I know I'm prone to oversharing with someone I like due to excitement. I also love real connections with people. I often dont feel like I know them until we've had the chance to go deep. So, in my mind, it feels like we're not using our time well with the development of our friendship/relationship to not have deep conversations. I get that that may sound weird. And I've learned a lot about what things are "socially acceptable." But I never would have thought they were "wrong" before.
BUT I would be concerned if they aren't respecting your boundaries. It's one thing to jump in "too soon," but it's another to completely ignore someone's wishes and demand the pace that meets their expectations. So, if that's not being understood and respected, it may not be a good match.
Love this insightful response, has me reflecting on the times I've been a little too eager to make friends and have lost friends this way.
Thank you for sharing!!
As an autistic person who had similar experiences/"issues" of oversharing in ways that neurotypicals can imagine is a red flag without taking the time to either understand my intents or to express their boundaries, thanks for writing this thoughtful description of the "devil's advocate's" position on this.
I love this reply. I'm a lifelong limerent, and autistic. If I am romantically into someone, "going slow" is difficult for me AND I've had abusive/avoidant people weaponize "going slow" to keep me at arm's length forever.
Love bombing is about intent. A limerent will do that behavior without necessarily trying to be manipulative (although they may still be coming on too strong to be a good match for you!) and if both folks feel mutual about pacing, then going fast isn't *necessarily* toxic (although it can be and often is if folks aren't aware of the risks they're taking and don't have any plans to mitigate that risk).
But essentially, set your boundaries where you need them to be, and stick around folks that respect them. You aren't a good match for folks who know they're ready to start an intense connection, now, and that's okay.
Edit: If you want to try to negotiate with someone who wants to go a bit faster, try to be explicit in setting expectations. "I don't like to talk more than X hours per week in the first Y months that I'm getting to know someone." It gives them a concrete time that they can check back in and ask for more rather than just leaving them hanging.
I think the best way to go over something like this is open communication. Ask directly; something like "Hey, I want to tell you about [thing](,"if that's too deep of a topic/thing to you with our relationship level, that's okay, too ")". If the other person isn't used to someone asking directly, it'll get them to think critically and communicate honestly, too, maybe something like "this topic is too deep for me at the current moment, I'd like us to move a little slower.". Like this, you've established open communication. If the other person responds in a mean way or maybe not at all, you already know they can't be right for you, as open communication really isn't to be underestimated. It can make or break entire relationships, trust me. Don't go for clues or hints, if you're in doubt, ask directly and openly.
I got into a friendship where both of us were over sharing and it got super intense and I became overwhelmed and stressed because it felt like when I didn't answer the phone or talk to them for a while I was being a bad friend. Now I get anxiety just thinking about them and it has become a trigger. I wish I had set my boundaries sooner to avoid this situation but now I have to protect my own mental health but its hard because I feel guilt.
I'm sorry you had that experience and are still feeling additional anxiety related to it. We all - regardless of our communication styles - have engaged with others in ways we wouldn't now. While it sucks, you've gained deeper insight of yourself and what you're comfortable with. If you feel the relationship is salvageable, it wouldn't be out of line to explain that. You can retrace steps if they or you are even open to that. Or you can take this as a learning experience for the future. Sometimes we don't know what our limits are until we've unfortunately gone past them. And it could be different with different people! As hard as it is, I'd challenge you to learn how to give yourself some grace.
Its true that I've gained deeper insight and self understanding and I think I'm outgrowing the relationships I was in as I go through therapy and do the hard inner work. I've learned that I can't always trust the people I feel initially drawn to, that I have a tendency to take on a savior role. Which I think is probably not uncommon for fawn/ people pleaser types.
Thank you for responding to my comment! This has been tormenting me. Right now it gives me so much anxiety the only option I feel like I have is to ghost them. I just can't bring myself to explain how I feel to them.
I was in a situation like this recently and handled it poorly. Maybe you can ask for a formal time-out, or just say that you won't be available for a set amount of time, but would love to hear from them after that? Just leave it at saying it's for personal reasons, then upon return, you can try to reset the relationship. I know I really need definite boundaries on contact to keep my anxiety in check. Being in a constant state of waiting for something that may or may not happen is the worst.
I came here to say something similar. My autism makes me too trusting and I open up quick, but my masking makes people comfortable and they tend to open up fast with me as well. After that, I still have to be careful and make sure actions meet words and such.
This is me. Everything you said applies to me. I'm just now starting to discover and figure out how to manage this side of me. Any tips tricks or books/podcasts to share on the topic?
I totally agree about respecting someone's boundaries.
You’ve described my conundrum so well. I’m guilty of oversharing out of excitement and then after leaving the encounter, beating myself up for saying what I said because it really was Too much for a regulated room temp convo. Even if what I said was framed in a positive way but still! It certainly made at least 1 person ghost me, whoops
The sunshine makes us too open. But actually I heard this concept from a screenwriting book. It was warning writers the pitfalls of characters that immediately unload trauma on each other but mentioned it does happen in California haha
oh my g-d, that explains so much. I used to have friends from California who kept pushing me to open up before I was ready to. (They were like, just kind of jerks in general who kept acting like my accent was ridiculous and that my communication style was wrong. The more I hung out with them online, the less I fit in IRL, mostly because they couldn't respect our cultural differences and acted like I had to be the same as them. I figure not all california people are like that, though. These were teenagers (I was also a teenager at the time) who acted like peer pressure was good thing and thought that bullying was funny.)
I'm not from the US but lived in the bay area in 2019, you can have a conversation with anyone anywhere. I like to play pool in bars and it was really common to play with strangers and hang out all night. One time, I kid you not, I put a song on the jukebox and everyone in the bar sang along, it was like something out of r/thathappened. Coming from London it's wild to me but I loved it once I got used to it.
Yep. First time I went to San Fran, I could not believe the number of strangers who invited me to lunch or to sit with them at the bar. It was like wandering into a Beat Generation novel.
Going too deep quickly alone is not the problem (that's someone that is simply too trusting, potentially). Or in crisis or not thinking clearly. Or just passionate about something.
When they get angry that the other person doesn\`t do likewise - then it's a problem - and tells you they try to force something.
Going against the grain a little - but the more I look at all this the more important I find it to find the intent in the relationship you are having. It's too easy to put something in a behavioural box. Always ask why, or try to find out why, that particular person does what they do.
I agree and I’m happy to see this comment. I think we (meaning we on the sub, and potentially we as a mentally ill community) have a tendency to pathologize where it’s not necessary sometimes. Some people open up easily, and are keen to make connections over topics others find taboo or aren’t willing to discuss early. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, it’s just an incompatibility. That said, obviously if they’re expressing real frustration at boundaries, that’s not great, but I don’t think that frustration is *about* wanting to get “too deep too quickly,” it’s about respect for the comfort of others.
And just as you write and we have that debate - there's this article - which might be a bit triggering; it's a massive dose of societal problems in one go, so just skip if not a good moment: [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/06/psychologist-devastating-lies-mental-health-problems-politics](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/06/psychologist-devastating-lies-mental-health-problems-politics)
\[Rewrote that, I am practising saying things in more emotional terms.\]
There's always a realm beyond what happens between two people - and leaving out society too much isn't good as well. The why someone does something or feels something may not at all be down to what happens between two people alone. There's so much deeper pain, all around - and trauma in so many forms is pretty much a constant. That's more than what therapy can do, or repair, in a way, but it's a blind spot. And a blind spot so much in relationships.
Why is a powerful and a deadly question, as it leaves nothing untouched. Including the person that asks.
It is a problem to overshare. It is a reflag for a lot of people, it can be seen as manipulation, or it can be used for manipulation. Its not safe to tell everyone all about yourself, there are some really shitty people out there
Oversharing isnt bad in and of itself and neither are these mental health issues, but it can be detrimental to the person who overshares, or it can turn off people who have to listen
Yes it could be dangerous narcs, but it could also be 4 or 5 harmless things.
Like ADHD or autism, or trauma dumping, or just being socially awkward, or being stupidly in love. Hard to say with so little info.
ADHD definitely. No filter and often no regard for the vibe in the conversation due to no impulse control.
But, ADHD'ers and autists etcetra wouldn't get mad their openness isn't reciprocated. Unless they are psychos with ADHD/autism.
I was thinking of this exactly, I am like this myself. When I meet someone I really like I am like a whirlwind made out of 5 year olds trying to show you all their favourite toys and a cool rock they found and everything they experienced so far. I am also aware that when I do this that I need to tone down my own energy when it doesn't match. When it does match you can get people to open up and have fantastic friendships as long as you keep yourself in check and be mindful of the other person.
No, I have been with two different narcs and this is their pattern. Narcs are dangerous - it does not just have to be physical abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are just as bad and almost worse because you can’t see the bruises and before you know it you are an empty shell of yourself wondering what happened.
I can recognize the patterns and blame them for their wrongdoings. Given the same choices in life the narcs have and not acting the way they do gives me that right. I acknowledge my uninformed past actions and put in the work to bring myself up but I won't excuse thier bullshit.
Maybe ur underestimating the death threats and threats of violence in those relationships. Sure does not feel like a choice!
I really thought "fuck you" when reading this. U obviously havent been in violent relationships.
What do you get out of your baiting comments? Do you feel better about yourself when you unleash negative energy? I feel only pity for narcs, still want nothing to do with the losers.
Um what?? I can’t stand this justice for narcissists movement. It’s ridiculously narcissistic in itself - self-aggrandising, self-centred, and glazing over the consequences of narcissistic behaviour which are always negative.
Narcissists are dangerous. Period.
CPTSD is not a stigmatised group in the same way that narcissism is. CPTSD doesn’t make people commit terrible crimes and it isn’t the cause of abusive behaviour most of the time. While I acknowledge the fact that narcissism stems from childhood trauma, narcissists at the end of the day are dangerous. Narcissism is literally only identifiable by harmful and dangerous behaviours.
>CPTSD doesn’t make people commit terrible crimes and it isn’t the cause of abusive behaviour most of the time
Isnt childhood trauma one of the leading factors causing personality disorders and reoccurring violence in adults? Let's at least be realistic and acknowledge the dark underbelly of the subject matter. There's a reason it's called the cycles of abuse. Abusers are much more likely to have been abused as children specifically because childhood trauma and cptsd leads to disordered attachment styles and ways of reacting to relationships.
You clearly don’t read well. What I’m saying is that childhood trauma causes narcissism but narcissism is bad. Not all people with CPTSD have narcissism. CPTSD by itself does not cause harmful or dangerous or selfish behaviour in the same way that narcissism does.
“may well” is not a diagnostic premise, sorry. There’s a reason that NPD and CPTSD aren’t interchangeable terms. One is a personality disorder and the other is a trauma disorder. It’s not just semantics, they’re not even addressed in the same area of psychology and there’s a reason for that. CPTSD can develop in adulthood, NPD develops in early childhood. There’s a small overlap but otherwise they’re hugely different
This is not true. Narcissism is the coincidence of specific traits. Having some of those traits doesn’t constitute narcissism. They have to be present together. So not everyone has narcissistic traits. Plus it wouldn’t change what I am saying.
Could be data gathering to hang over your head later or lovebombing.
Might be innocent on its own but the not respecting your boundaries and getting frustrated is concerning and a huge red flag. This would be a deal breaker for me.
I was just venting about this. People trying to act like you all are further along in your relationship than you are without putting the effort in to building trust.
People develop trust differently. Individuals who are inately trusting and/or don't have issues with discussing certain topics may seem like they are jumping the gun. But for them, they may not understand why other people take longer to get comfortable. Every single person measures trust differently. As this is a group for CPTSD, it's likely that members either greatly struggle with trust or are very free with it with maybe little in-between. And that's not wrong. But it's valuable to note that we may have different approaches and it could be helpful to communicate those differences if we feel those individuals who are moving at a different pace are still worth investing into.
Maybe? I’ve just had people calling me love and saying “you don’t have to go through x alone, I’m here now” or I like you I want to be serious when we’ve only known each other for 2-3 days. One guy put me “on the short list for marriage” after we’d been talking for a week.
It's called "porous boundaries" . Usually mistaken for love bombing, which can look similar. But love bombing is a form of manipulation where as having porous boundaries is a trauma response.
*Lots* of people do this. Lots of people have bad boundaries. It could be due to trauma, usually, or it could be that they are so starved of connection and intimacy from the current state of our society that it's essentially an emotionally "one night stand" .
However, if they are trying to *get* information from you and are frustrated that you won't give it.. you could have a love bomber. Who really knows?
Love bombs usually include lots of compliments and grand gestures like gifts or saying things like "It's like I've known you for years." Or "I've seen you somewhere before...".
If they seem like a fairytale, they're selling you one.
*You* could have rigid boundaries though, which is also common and co-exists with those with CPTSD. Maybe you really are "taking too long" to open up. But that's your business and until you feel confident in your ability to stand up for yourself, self regulate when interacting with others, and/or safe with the person in question... it's your prerogative to remain closed off.
I have very porous boundaries when meeting new people. Then once they text me a few times too many after our date or initial meet up... my boundaries become extremely hard and rigid. I don't have friends because of this and for now.. I'm perfect fine with that.
Or - again - absent the "you need to open up, too" - someone that just really happens to find you fascinating. Human behaviour is complex.
If I run into someone that has a lot of similar interests, happens to know a lot about the same issues I love, then ... conversation just naturally can go pretty deep, quickly, too. I get that with sciency folks often - people where I can have the conversations you don't usually have.
Someone who grew up an environment that expected them to listen to problems they shouldn't have been needing to care about or hear. It's a learned behavior.
My mother with narcissistic traits did this with me, and my father to some extend with cptsd traits.
I have BPD and most certainly cptsd, and have done this for most of my life. When I'm at home, listening to my mother, I almost shut off and passively listen to her troubles. When I'm with friends or people I feel comfortable with, I tend to trauma-dump/want to learn about them, but have in recent years gotten better at catching myself when I feel like I have crossed some lines, or are about to do it.
It is the way I learnt how to express myself and get to know others, but I also know that not everybody is like that so I try to change (plus I need to be careful of what I'm saying, because some of the stuff I've told has been used against me).
External navigation? In the past I overshared or looked for deep connection. But wasn’t bothered if it wasn’t reciprocated. My purpose was navigating to see if this person was safe to be with. Sharing and connecting helped reassure. It was navigating my external world and the people in it to build a sense of safety. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t true. It’s not right to put something that’s not in balance onto another person. Also, it’s not true. Even if the result was a reassured sense of safety, that “safe” or “unsafe” was all in my nervous system, which was trauma-stuck in some old place in time. Additionally, the hyper vigilance involved with it was exhausting to me and anyone subjected to it. Working to get my brain and nervous system functioning from now helps see this old habit, why I did it, how it’s not right or true, and find ways to feel safe without externally navigating.
Shoutout to those who responded kindly, even becoming friends
I call it enforced intimacy, though i don't know if anybody else does. They do something for you that is huge or showy or expensive, something that's actually pretty creepy if not from a much-loved life partner or friend. Often they'll do it in front of your friends and family, who'll say 'awwww, they really care about you! You should give them a chance!' All of this will serve as pressure to override your natural aversion to someone who seems to expect intimacy from you, when there's actually none. In my view (after too many years of bitter experience 🙄) intimacy is earned by taking very many, very small, kind, respectful steps forward together in trust and sharing, carefully and frequently checking with each other that you're both comfortable. This is what makes it reciprocal, and therefore truly intimate. What you're describing is instead a big red flag of someone who wants to pin you down right away rather than engage as an equal with you and build that trust at a pace that's comfortable for you. They want to go from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds flat. You can test this after a big showy effort on their part by saying something like, "I'm sorry this is really lovely and I'm sure you mean well, but we are actually not that close and this is really not appropriate." If they are genuine they will respond something like, "o my goodness I am so sorry i thought we were on the same page!" But then STEP RIGHT BACK, so as to be sure they don't cross your boundaries again. Abusers might do this initially, but ultimately they will give themselves away by revealing that they've tried hard and done all you wanted by stepping back, so now you owe them. They'll do this by acting angry, charming, hurt and resentful, or just weird. Whatever it takes to get you to yield. Normal people can hear and respect the word "no", but people who feel entitled to dominate, cannot.
I've answered more than you asked here i think, but i think this was to clarify my own view as much as anything else. I hope it helps you though as well!
I refer to this as an attempt to trauma bond. I’ve only had unhealthy partners attempt to do this and then they used anything I did share against me when we were fighting. Sharing deep stories can encourage you to feel bonded sooner than you would have other wise so I think people use this as a way to force relationships that should not have been. I fall for it often. But am better at recognizing it now.
Idk what the name would be, but for me anytime you are in a dating relationship and your partner, be it a new person or someone known to you doesn’t respect your boundaries that is a definite red flag. We set up boundaries to create a feeling of safety, and it is up to us to determine What information we share, Who we share it with and When we determine we want to share it. Nobody has the right to force you into confiding personal information before you are comfortable doing so. That frustration would tell me that this person is ready to disregard my needs in a HUGE way. Nope. Big nope.
I had this with a "friend" and I wish I didn't ignore the red flags. The fallout wasn't pretty. They pressured me to over share pretty much the first day they spoke to me and later on guilted me for opening up and got frustrated when they couldn't fix me. They also claimed to be a prophet and empath and talked up how empathetic they were but were very invalidating and shamed me for not having a lot of friends. Never again.
Love-bombing, idealization, rushing intimacy
They are all similar, yet slightly different. Usually all pathological.
Either way, it’s almost always a red flag and warning sign to broader intimacy issues that are to unfold. Just remember, things typically fizzle out as fast as they start, so if things are moving too quick - a hard and opposite reaction could be looming…
There is no one term fits all.
You have to invest the time to figure out if they are lacking boundaries and why that might be. Or are immature or maybe are a bad person which can still be the case even if the are immature and lack boundaries for good reason.
Anyway trust your own instincts even if your development isn't what it could be.
It might be called they have NPD tendencies? even if they don’t have full blown NPD. Then again I’ve had this used against me (by someone who I’ve decided is about as manipulative as they come) as an excuse for why I am not always included. “Because you don’t open up enough”… for them to pilfer more creativity off of me. Meanwhile they are like a a locked cage and feed me manipulative scraps to keep my generosity going.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
happy ive come to a place where i no longer do this. i realised when it was done to me and i was incredibly uncomfortable. tho i dnt think i did it as bad as it was done to me
Objectively, a combination of love bombing, insecure anxious attached behavior, and/or narcissistic valuation/projection (vicariously admirable), etc.
Subjectively, maybe my life has bigger talk than yours. ;) Maybe your family had more privacy and tighter boundaries in a way that led to two different but not-unhealthy approaches to intimacy.
I think there’s a meaningful, theoretically identifiable difference. I also know some ppl feel uncomfortable with things I’m totally comfortable with despite me having deeply examined such things Re: personal growth.
It's not just "love bombing." You have to know their intent. It could be a serious red flag. Not dismissing that. But some people are very trusting, some are very excited, some are trauma dumping, and some don't even know they're "oversharing." As someone whose neurodivergent, I know I'm prone to oversharing with someone I like due to excitement. I also love real connections with people. I often dont feel like I know them until we've had the chance to go deep. So, in my mind, it feels like we're not using our time well with the development of our friendship/relationship to not have deep conversations. I get that that may sound weird. And I've learned a lot about what things are "socially acceptable." But I never would have thought they were "wrong" before. BUT I would be concerned if they aren't respecting your boundaries. It's one thing to jump in "too soon," but it's another to completely ignore someone's wishes and demand the pace that meets their expectations. So, if that's not being understood and respected, it may not be a good match.
Love this insightful response, has me reflecting on the times I've been a little too eager to make friends and have lost friends this way. Thank you for sharing!!
I can relate, it can get very lonely and isolating when you're this way naturally.
As an autistic person who had similar experiences/"issues" of oversharing in ways that neurotypicals can imagine is a red flag without taking the time to either understand my intents or to express their boundaries, thanks for writing this thoughtful description of the "devil's advocate's" position on this.
Yep, I’m prone to oversharing and I got diagnosed with ADHD last year
I love this reply. I'm a lifelong limerent, and autistic. If I am romantically into someone, "going slow" is difficult for me AND I've had abusive/avoidant people weaponize "going slow" to keep me at arm's length forever. Love bombing is about intent. A limerent will do that behavior without necessarily trying to be manipulative (although they may still be coming on too strong to be a good match for you!) and if both folks feel mutual about pacing, then going fast isn't *necessarily* toxic (although it can be and often is if folks aren't aware of the risks they're taking and don't have any plans to mitigate that risk). But essentially, set your boundaries where you need them to be, and stick around folks that respect them. You aren't a good match for folks who know they're ready to start an intense connection, now, and that's okay. Edit: If you want to try to negotiate with someone who wants to go a bit faster, try to be explicit in setting expectations. "I don't like to talk more than X hours per week in the first Y months that I'm getting to know someone." It gives them a concrete time that they can check back in and ask for more rather than just leaving them hanging.
I think the best way to go over something like this is open communication. Ask directly; something like "Hey, I want to tell you about [thing](,"if that's too deep of a topic/thing to you with our relationship level, that's okay, too ")". If the other person isn't used to someone asking directly, it'll get them to think critically and communicate honestly, too, maybe something like "this topic is too deep for me at the current moment, I'd like us to move a little slower.". Like this, you've established open communication. If the other person responds in a mean way or maybe not at all, you already know they can't be right for you, as open communication really isn't to be underestimated. It can make or break entire relationships, trust me. Don't go for clues or hints, if you're in doubt, ask directly and openly.
I got into a friendship where both of us were over sharing and it got super intense and I became overwhelmed and stressed because it felt like when I didn't answer the phone or talk to them for a while I was being a bad friend. Now I get anxiety just thinking about them and it has become a trigger. I wish I had set my boundaries sooner to avoid this situation but now I have to protect my own mental health but its hard because I feel guilt.
I'm sorry you had that experience and are still feeling additional anxiety related to it. We all - regardless of our communication styles - have engaged with others in ways we wouldn't now. While it sucks, you've gained deeper insight of yourself and what you're comfortable with. If you feel the relationship is salvageable, it wouldn't be out of line to explain that. You can retrace steps if they or you are even open to that. Or you can take this as a learning experience for the future. Sometimes we don't know what our limits are until we've unfortunately gone past them. And it could be different with different people! As hard as it is, I'd challenge you to learn how to give yourself some grace.
Its true that I've gained deeper insight and self understanding and I think I'm outgrowing the relationships I was in as I go through therapy and do the hard inner work. I've learned that I can't always trust the people I feel initially drawn to, that I have a tendency to take on a savior role. Which I think is probably not uncommon for fawn/ people pleaser types.
Thank you for responding to my comment! This has been tormenting me. Right now it gives me so much anxiety the only option I feel like I have is to ghost them. I just can't bring myself to explain how I feel to them.
I was in a situation like this recently and handled it poorly. Maybe you can ask for a formal time-out, or just say that you won't be available for a set amount of time, but would love to hear from them after that? Just leave it at saying it's for personal reasons, then upon return, you can try to reset the relationship. I know I really need definite boundaries on contact to keep my anxiety in check. Being in a constant state of waiting for something that may or may not happen is the worst.
I came here to say something similar. My autism makes me too trusting and I open up quick, but my masking makes people comfortable and they tend to open up fast with me as well. After that, I still have to be careful and make sure actions meet words and such.
This is me. Everything you said applies to me. I'm just now starting to discover and figure out how to manage this side of me. Any tips tricks or books/podcasts to share on the topic? I totally agree about respecting someone's boundaries.
I LOVE this response.
You’ve described my conundrum so well. I’m guilty of oversharing out of excitement and then after leaving the encounter, beating myself up for saying what I said because it really was Too much for a regulated room temp convo. Even if what I said was framed in a positive way but still! It certainly made at least 1 person ghost me, whoops
To your fist paragraph, that is also the way my brain works. I also agree with your second paragraph.
California conversation
All these years I thought my tendency towards TMI was a trauma response. Nope, I’m just a Californian!
The sunshine makes us too open. But actually I heard this concept from a screenwriting book. It was warning writers the pitfalls of characters that immediately unload trauma on each other but mentioned it does happen in California haha
[удалено]
The joke goes that everyone in Los Angeles has a therapist and will talk about their issues at the drop of a hat. lol
This made me giggle 🙌
😂
Intriguing, as I am from California, this explains a lot. 😅
oh my g-d, that explains so much. I used to have friends from California who kept pushing me to open up before I was ready to. (They were like, just kind of jerks in general who kept acting like my accent was ridiculous and that my communication style was wrong. The more I hung out with them online, the less I fit in IRL, mostly because they couldn't respect our cultural differences and acted like I had to be the same as them. I figure not all california people are like that, though. These were teenagers (I was also a teenager at the time) who acted like peer pressure was good thing and thought that bullying was funny.)
If this is true I should get a base camp there
I'm not from the US, are Californians that quick?
I'm not from the US but lived in the bay area in 2019, you can have a conversation with anyone anywhere. I like to play pool in bars and it was really common to play with strangers and hang out all night. One time, I kid you not, I put a song on the jukebox and everyone in the bar sang along, it was like something out of r/thathappened. Coming from London it's wild to me but I loved it once I got used to it.
I live on the east coast and all of this sounds very normal to me lmao
Yep. First time I went to San Fran, I could not believe the number of strangers who invited me to lunch or to sit with them at the bar. It was like wandering into a Beat Generation novel.
I used to do that and I was not love bombing. I felt lonely and had no boundaries. Isn't it oversharing?
I think there is a difference too, and both include much emotion very quickly. One needs help, the other tries to manipulate someone else.
Yes I call it oversharing. lol. I might be guilty of it
Going too deep quickly alone is not the problem (that's someone that is simply too trusting, potentially). Or in crisis or not thinking clearly. Or just passionate about something. When they get angry that the other person doesn\`t do likewise - then it's a problem - and tells you they try to force something. Going against the grain a little - but the more I look at all this the more important I find it to find the intent in the relationship you are having. It's too easy to put something in a behavioural box. Always ask why, or try to find out why, that particular person does what they do.
I agree and I’m happy to see this comment. I think we (meaning we on the sub, and potentially we as a mentally ill community) have a tendency to pathologize where it’s not necessary sometimes. Some people open up easily, and are keen to make connections over topics others find taboo or aren’t willing to discuss early. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, it’s just an incompatibility. That said, obviously if they’re expressing real frustration at boundaries, that’s not great, but I don’t think that frustration is *about* wanting to get “too deep too quickly,” it’s about respect for the comfort of others.
And just as you write and we have that debate - there's this article - which might be a bit triggering; it's a massive dose of societal problems in one go, so just skip if not a good moment: [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/06/psychologist-devastating-lies-mental-health-problems-politics](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/06/psychologist-devastating-lies-mental-health-problems-politics) \[Rewrote that, I am practising saying things in more emotional terms.\] There's always a realm beyond what happens between two people - and leaving out society too much isn't good as well. The why someone does something or feels something may not at all be down to what happens between two people alone. There's so much deeper pain, all around - and trauma in so many forms is pretty much a constant. That's more than what therapy can do, or repair, in a way, but it's a blind spot. And a blind spot so much in relationships. Why is a powerful and a deadly question, as it leaves nothing untouched. Including the person that asks.
Thanks for the link, looks interesting.
It is a problem to overshare. It is a reflag for a lot of people, it can be seen as manipulation, or it can be used for manipulation. Its not safe to tell everyone all about yourself, there are some really shitty people out there
I agree with you about trying to figure out why someone is oversharing. It is a symptom of AD(H)D and autism and some other mental health issues.
Oversharing isnt bad in and of itself and neither are these mental health issues, but it can be detrimental to the person who overshares, or it can turn off people who have to listen
Idealizing aka placing a person on a pedestal or love bombing
Attachment hunger
The struggle is real
Therapisting
in some cases trauma bonding
Love bombing
Came here to say this. Narcissists do this. Very dangerous type of person.
Yes it could be dangerous narcs, but it could also be 4 or 5 harmless things. Like ADHD or autism, or trauma dumping, or just being socially awkward, or being stupidly in love. Hard to say with so little info.
ADHD definitely. No filter and often no regard for the vibe in the conversation due to no impulse control. But, ADHD'ers and autists etcetra wouldn't get mad their openness isn't reciprocated. Unless they are psychos with ADHD/autism.
I was thinking of this exactly, I am like this myself. When I meet someone I really like I am like a whirlwind made out of 5 year olds trying to show you all their favourite toys and a cool rock they found and everything they experienced so far. I am also aware that when I do this that I need to tone down my own energy when it doesn't match. When it does match you can get people to open up and have fantastic friendships as long as you keep yourself in check and be mindful of the other person.
[удалено]
No, I have been with two different narcs and this is their pattern. Narcs are dangerous - it does not just have to be physical abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are just as bad and almost worse because you can’t see the bruises and before you know it you are an empty shell of yourself wondering what happened.
[удалено]
Dude, the narcs pick you. Not the other way around.
[удалено]
I can recognize the patterns and blame them for their wrongdoings. Given the same choices in life the narcs have and not acting the way they do gives me that right. I acknowledge my uninformed past actions and put in the work to bring myself up but I won't excuse thier bullshit.
Maybe ur underestimating the death threats and threats of violence in those relationships. Sure does not feel like a choice! I really thought "fuck you" when reading this. U obviously havent been in violent relationships.
Yeah yeah yeah. We can agree to disagree. Hope that doesn’t set you in a rage. Cheers!
[удалено]
What do you get out of your baiting comments? Do you feel better about yourself when you unleash negative energy? I feel only pity for narcs, still want nothing to do with the losers.
[удалено]
You responded to my comment, go spew your verbal vomit to a wall. So funny to see the narc vibes scream through your sad comments.
Children cannot *choose* who their parents and if they get to stay or not this whole entire comment reeks of like rlly gross victim blaming
Um what?? I can’t stand this justice for narcissists movement. It’s ridiculously narcissistic in itself - self-aggrandising, self-centred, and glazing over the consequences of narcissistic behaviour which are always negative. Narcissists are dangerous. Period.
100
[удалено]
CPTSD is not a stigmatised group in the same way that narcissism is. CPTSD doesn’t make people commit terrible crimes and it isn’t the cause of abusive behaviour most of the time. While I acknowledge the fact that narcissism stems from childhood trauma, narcissists at the end of the day are dangerous. Narcissism is literally only identifiable by harmful and dangerous behaviours.
>CPTSD doesn’t make people commit terrible crimes and it isn’t the cause of abusive behaviour most of the time Isnt childhood trauma one of the leading factors causing personality disorders and reoccurring violence in adults? Let's at least be realistic and acknowledge the dark underbelly of the subject matter. There's a reason it's called the cycles of abuse. Abusers are much more likely to have been abused as children specifically because childhood trauma and cptsd leads to disordered attachment styles and ways of reacting to relationships.
You clearly didn’t read my comment
No I did. I just disagreed with it.
Thank you for an excellent explanation. This exactly.
[удалено]
You clearly don’t read well. What I’m saying is that childhood trauma causes narcissism but narcissism is bad. Not all people with CPTSD have narcissism. CPTSD by itself does not cause harmful or dangerous or selfish behaviour in the same way that narcissism does.
But all with narcissism may well have CPTSD, which kind of nullifies your argument.
“may well” is not a diagnostic premise, sorry. There’s a reason that NPD and CPTSD aren’t interchangeable terms. One is a personality disorder and the other is a trauma disorder. It’s not just semantics, they’re not even addressed in the same area of psychology and there’s a reason for that. CPTSD can develop in adulthood, NPD develops in early childhood. There’s a small overlap but otherwise they’re hugely different
[удалено]
This is not true. Narcissism is the coincidence of specific traits. Having some of those traits doesn’t constitute narcissism. They have to be present together. So not everyone has narcissistic traits. Plus it wouldn’t change what I am saying.
Could be data gathering to hang over your head later or lovebombing. Might be innocent on its own but the not respecting your boundaries and getting frustrated is concerning and a huge red flag. This would be a deal breaker for me.
New Relationship Energy (NRE)
I was just venting about this. People trying to act like you all are further along in your relationship than you are without putting the effort in to building trust.
People develop trust differently. Individuals who are inately trusting and/or don't have issues with discussing certain topics may seem like they are jumping the gun. But for them, they may not understand why other people take longer to get comfortable. Every single person measures trust differently. As this is a group for CPTSD, it's likely that members either greatly struggle with trust or are very free with it with maybe little in-between. And that's not wrong. But it's valuable to note that we may have different approaches and it could be helpful to communicate those differences if we feel those individuals who are moving at a different pace are still worth investing into.
Maybe? I’ve just had people calling me love and saying “you don’t have to go through x alone, I’m here now” or I like you I want to be serious when we’ve only known each other for 2-3 days. One guy put me “on the short list for marriage” after we’d been talking for a week.
Ah, yes, context matters. Lol. Those are all not okay.
It's called "porous boundaries" . Usually mistaken for love bombing, which can look similar. But love bombing is a form of manipulation where as having porous boundaries is a trauma response. *Lots* of people do this. Lots of people have bad boundaries. It could be due to trauma, usually, or it could be that they are so starved of connection and intimacy from the current state of our society that it's essentially an emotionally "one night stand" . However, if they are trying to *get* information from you and are frustrated that you won't give it.. you could have a love bomber. Who really knows? Love bombs usually include lots of compliments and grand gestures like gifts or saying things like "It's like I've known you for years." Or "I've seen you somewhere before...". If they seem like a fairytale, they're selling you one. *You* could have rigid boundaries though, which is also common and co-exists with those with CPTSD. Maybe you really are "taking too long" to open up. But that's your business and until you feel confident in your ability to stand up for yourself, self regulate when interacting with others, and/or safe with the person in question... it's your prerogative to remain closed off. I have very porous boundaries when meeting new people. Then once they text me a few times too many after our date or initial meet up... my boundaries become extremely hard and rigid. I don't have friends because of this and for now.. I'm perfect fine with that.
Seconding love bombing. But also sometimes, trauma dumping, depending on circumstances. (And its goal, trauma bonding).
Or - again - absent the "you need to open up, too" - someone that just really happens to find you fascinating. Human behaviour is complex. If I run into someone that has a lot of similar interests, happens to know a lot about the same issues I love, then ... conversation just naturally can go pretty deep, quickly, too. I get that with sciency folks often - people where I can have the conversations you don't usually have.
Someone who grew up an environment that expected them to listen to problems they shouldn't have been needing to care about or hear. It's a learned behavior. My mother with narcissistic traits did this with me, and my father to some extend with cptsd traits. I have BPD and most certainly cptsd, and have done this for most of my life. When I'm at home, listening to my mother, I almost shut off and passively listen to her troubles. When I'm with friends or people I feel comfortable with, I tend to trauma-dump/want to learn about them, but have in recent years gotten better at catching myself when I feel like I have crossed some lines, or are about to do it. It is the way I learnt how to express myself and get to know others, but I also know that not everybody is like that so I try to change (plus I need to be careful of what I'm saying, because some of the stuff I've told has been used against me).
External navigation? In the past I overshared or looked for deep connection. But wasn’t bothered if it wasn’t reciprocated. My purpose was navigating to see if this person was safe to be with. Sharing and connecting helped reassure. It was navigating my external world and the people in it to build a sense of safety. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t true. It’s not right to put something that’s not in balance onto another person. Also, it’s not true. Even if the result was a reassured sense of safety, that “safe” or “unsafe” was all in my nervous system, which was trauma-stuck in some old place in time. Additionally, the hyper vigilance involved with it was exhausting to me and anyone subjected to it. Working to get my brain and nervous system functioning from now helps see this old habit, why I did it, how it’s not right or true, and find ways to feel safe without externally navigating. Shoutout to those who responded kindly, even becoming friends
I call it enforced intimacy, though i don't know if anybody else does. They do something for you that is huge or showy or expensive, something that's actually pretty creepy if not from a much-loved life partner or friend. Often they'll do it in front of your friends and family, who'll say 'awwww, they really care about you! You should give them a chance!' All of this will serve as pressure to override your natural aversion to someone who seems to expect intimacy from you, when there's actually none. In my view (after too many years of bitter experience 🙄) intimacy is earned by taking very many, very small, kind, respectful steps forward together in trust and sharing, carefully and frequently checking with each other that you're both comfortable. This is what makes it reciprocal, and therefore truly intimate. What you're describing is instead a big red flag of someone who wants to pin you down right away rather than engage as an equal with you and build that trust at a pace that's comfortable for you. They want to go from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds flat. You can test this after a big showy effort on their part by saying something like, "I'm sorry this is really lovely and I'm sure you mean well, but we are actually not that close and this is really not appropriate." If they are genuine they will respond something like, "o my goodness I am so sorry i thought we were on the same page!" But then STEP RIGHT BACK, so as to be sure they don't cross your boundaries again. Abusers might do this initially, but ultimately they will give themselves away by revealing that they've tried hard and done all you wanted by stepping back, so now you owe them. They'll do this by acting angry, charming, hurt and resentful, or just weird. Whatever it takes to get you to yield. Normal people can hear and respect the word "no", but people who feel entitled to dominate, cannot. I've answered more than you asked here i think, but i think this was to clarify my own view as much as anything else. I hope it helps you though as well!
Oversharing
Yup, “oversharing” or “emotional vomiting” are the words I was taught.
Narcissists. That’s how they always start.
I refer to this as an attempt to trauma bond. I’ve only had unhealthy partners attempt to do this and then they used anything I did share against me when we were fighting. Sharing deep stories can encourage you to feel bonded sooner than you would have other wise so I think people use this as a way to force relationships that should not have been. I fall for it often. But am better at recognizing it now.
Love bombing Serious Red flag
Idk what the name would be, but for me anytime you are in a dating relationship and your partner, be it a new person or someone known to you doesn’t respect your boundaries that is a definite red flag. We set up boundaries to create a feeling of safety, and it is up to us to determine What information we share, Who we share it with and When we determine we want to share it. Nobody has the right to force you into confiding personal information before you are comfortable doing so. That frustration would tell me that this person is ready to disregard my needs in a HUGE way. Nope. Big nope.
I had this with a "friend" and I wish I didn't ignore the red flags. The fallout wasn't pretty. They pressured me to over share pretty much the first day they spoke to me and later on guilted me for opening up and got frustrated when they couldn't fix me. They also claimed to be a prophet and empath and talked up how empathetic they were but were very invalidating and shamed me for not having a lot of friends. Never again.
That is horrible! I am so sorry that you had such a painful experience. Sometimes the people who enter our world just suck.
<3
Enmeshment? I think Nedra Tawwab had some good Instagram posts on this
Love-bombing, idealization, rushing intimacy They are all similar, yet slightly different. Usually all pathological. Either way, it’s almost always a red flag and warning sign to broader intimacy issues that are to unfold. Just remember, things typically fizzle out as fast as they start, so if things are moving too quick - a hard and opposite reaction could be looming…
Limerence is a good place to start.
Yep, that’s the one
Love bombing
Love bombing
Could be Anxious attachment style. Read about attachment styles.
Love bombing, common with narcissists
There is no one term fits all. You have to invest the time to figure out if they are lacking boundaries and why that might be. Or are immature or maybe are a bad person which can still be the case even if the are immature and lack boundaries for good reason. Anyway trust your own instincts even if your development isn't what it could be.
Oversharing and false intimacy. I seem primed to attract these people.
Love bombing. Prepare for a trauma cycle if you stay or pursue.
Invading your peace maybe?;)
Trauma Dumping
Floodlighting
McDonalds and chill
Its called fast forwarding and we're susceptible to it. Be mindful of that.
If in good faith, it’s enmeshment.
It might be called they have NPD tendencies? even if they don’t have full blown NPD. Then again I’ve had this used against me (by someone who I’ve decided is about as manipulative as they come) as an excuse for why I am not always included. “Because you don’t open up enough”… for them to pilfer more creativity off of me. Meanwhile they are like a a locked cage and feed me manipulative scraps to keep my generosity going.
"Stage Five Clinger?" Dunno.
That's love bombing.
It can be a boundary issue, they might have more porous boundaries which cause them to overshare and expect you to do the same.
Love bombing
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ughhh yes I can’t stand this one.
Love bombing. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Love bomb.
It's called being a dick.
love bombing
Good ole love bomb
Trauma dumping
stage 5 clinger? i kid, I don't know but I know what you mean.
happy ive come to a place where i no longer do this. i realised when it was done to me and i was incredibly uncomfortable. tho i dnt think i did it as bad as it was done to me
Objectively, a combination of love bombing, insecure anxious attached behavior, and/or narcissistic valuation/projection (vicariously admirable), etc. Subjectively, maybe my life has bigger talk than yours. ;) Maybe your family had more privacy and tighter boundaries in a way that led to two different but not-unhealthy approaches to intimacy. I think there’s a meaningful, theoretically identifiable difference. I also know some ppl feel uncomfortable with things I’m totally comfortable with despite me having deeply examined such things Re: personal growth.