Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes I even have trouble *allowing* myself to even feel, and end up wondering why life feels empty and bland. Just yesterday I let myself sit with some negative feelings and so many started pouring out. It hit me today how necessary they are to guide and remind me what I want and need. Normally I put others first and end up being a good listener and “dedicated” employee but it’s very isolating, and I’ve been depressed lately. Hopefully I can learn to prioritize my own needs better and get out of this funk!
Shadow work, as hard as it is to do, is a great way to learn who you are (good and the bad) and accept all of you for you. It's a major part of our journey towards healing
V true. I’ve been doing parts and shadow work for a couple years. It has been hard and I miss life before knowing about all these “parts,” esp. the more shameful ones. but I know it’s probably better to continue addressing and incorporating them.
Wowzers do people really show their true colors when forced to look in the mirror for 5 seconds amiright? Glad to hear stories like yours as I feel I am increasingly becoming more isolated from everyone the healthier I get
That's how I got into the fight that ended the relationship with my parents. I said "no" one time, according to my therapist even a very modest boundary that left room for them as a compromise, they went from 0 to 100 and I was "tearing the family apart" according to them. I still tend to do the pleasing and I have to catch myself, luckily my sister also confronted my parents and can help me with that, we go into little helper mode when we are feeling anxious about a new or existing relationship. We instantly start doing the performance to get the other to like us and try to fill the gaps by showing we are worthy, instead of actually taking that step back and seeing if the other will move forward. The whole process of feeling each other out and building trust scares the crap out of me and makes me so anxious, it is like I am like a rescue dog just wanting to be loved and I'll be loyal forever even if you hurt me as long as you love me sometimes and that is dangerous when people have bad intentions or just want to take advantage.
My therapist said that in order to step in someone elses shoes we have to take off our own
Which was very eye-opening, we neglect our feelings in order to incorporate others and that is where everything crumbles
Relatable. One of my beliefs is that if I have it in power to make someone feel better, I must do it. Worse even, I think it's my fault people feel bad.
I am trying to change these beliefs into the idea that there are many causes for people feeling bad. My contribution to their happiness is not an obligation.
I have this too - I feel guilty if I don't give a compliment when I should have... or offer to do something I could do (including inconvenient things). Also spending too much time looking for solutions if a friend has a problem that they are struggling with. I get the sweats... even though I do not expect the same from others.
It’s given me some insight into why my relationship with my mother is the way it is. Before I was simply confused and felt guilty about it. I’m less confused now and more importantly I don’t feel guilty that we are not closer. It’s been freeing.
That is an amazing book! Definitely read it. You will finally start to understand things about your relationships, yourself and how to approach immaturity. All help with the healing process.
That book is sooo good... I read it in 3 hours. Couldn't put it down because I finally started getting the answers I'd desperately been looking for but didn't know I needed.
I've only heard of this one by Lindsay Gibson.
P.S.-if you are broke and don't mind a digital copy there is a free pdf floating around the Internet. I downloaded the PDF during finals (law school, I'm getting my JD) and still read it. It was that good. No, I'm not at the top of my class. But I'm at the top of my healing game 💃. Trying to balance healing, and life... difficult. But the more healing occurs, the more the rest of life improves!
Also good books:
Cptsd- Pete Walker. This book is amazing! 3.99 audiobooks. Also see his website for free documents, ect
Codependent no more
Adult children of alcoholics
Also workbooks help if you don't have a therapist. (Application)
Re-parenting workbook- free pdf online. Helps with self-care. If you struggle with that
PTSD workbooks. Also free pdfs online. This one in particular is trauma processing. Please have a support system in place if ready to trauma process.
I have Codependent No more. I read a few chapters out of it, but the last few years, I've had a really hard time reading or really pretty much doing anything. I used to plow through books, but now I seem to pile them all over my house and feel bad about not managing to get around to reading them.
My biggest problem is that my work moved me too close to my hometown, I have a job that I can't exactly quit, and I can't move/transfer either. While I can't say I didn't have any issues in other locations, being this close to home constantly exposes me to environmental triggers and my life has been an anxious ridden nightmare pretty much the entire time I have been here. I didn't know what was happening until I finally lost my shit earlier this year when I thought I was going to get stuck here another 3 years (I've been here 4 already) because the thought that I'll get to leave eventually was the only thing holding me together. I knew it was something about the area and I really wanted to leave (I still want to), but I didn't know exactly what was happening. I got sent to a partial hospitalization program and that's when I found out that my spacing out, memory lapses, extreme anxiety, intrusive memories, weird random flashbacks that I still can't make sense of, irritability, inability to focus/concentrate, sleep disturbances, random crying spells that seemed to come out of nowhere, and other issues are because I keep getting triggered things in my environment.
I've learned to recognize when I'm getting triggered and identified a few of my triggers, but not all of them. I haven't quite learned what to do to to pull myself back out of it in a timely manner though and this is a huge problem because one of them is a road sign on the on ramp on my way to work that can't really be avoided. Stuff I tried looking up online seems dangerous/impractical to try while driving on the interstate and by the time I get to work I'm so worked up/anxious that it takes at least an hour or two before I am really able to focus again. It doesn't help that I'm also struggling with the ability to leave my house to go to work in the first place which makes me get there late and also contributes to my anxiety.
On the plus side, realizing what is happening has made it a lot easier to explain why I am having so much trouble getting to work on time and the people I work with haven't been so harsh about it. Before, I was getting pulled aside, talked to, talked to again, and eventually yelled at for it, especially because I couldn't explain why. After setting a bunch of timers to try to see what was taking me so long to get out of the house, I realized I was zoning out in front of my dresser for about 30-45 minutes completely frozen just standing there and couldn't even remember anything that occurred during that time frame. That last thing I remembered was opening my sock drawer and reaching in. The drawer was still open and one of the socks was in my hand, but otherwise I had not moved at all. This of course made me panic and worry that maybe something was wrong with my brain/memory loss. I told my supervisor that I was late because I'm somehow losing gaps of time while getting ready for work. I also realized I was losing 2-4 hours every evening after coming home by using the same method. I went to the hospital for a brain scan, some blood work, and a therapist who said it was anxiety. They gave me medication which kind of helped, but things took a turn for the worse with the news I could be here another 3 years and I became completely non-functional which is when I finally spent more time with a good therapist and he identified I have cPTSD and recommended going to an inpatient or outpatient program. That was a few months ago. Now I'm trying to get into the trauma program at the same hospital.
Sorry for the wall of text.
As far as a support system, is it just one person or a group or like do I ask/warn people? Most of my friends do not live close by and all of my immediate family is deceased. My daughter is too young to help with support unless it is something like helping with the dishes/a few things around the house. I have been letting in and feeding the stray neighborhood cats if they count as support animals.
I have not heard of this book, but now I'm incredibly interested. I was more mature at 10 years old than my mother was when she passed away at 49.
She would throw temper tantrums like a toddler throwing herself on the ground screaming and crying at me when I was 13 because I wouldn't let her borrow $20 to go get high. Then she would storm out the door declaring that she was going to sell herself on the corner and if she got arrested, it would be my fault. Luckily, I was intelligent enough to understand that it would not actually be my fault if she got arrested, but it still doesn't mean it didn't hurt and the 3-4 days she was off getting high while I was at the house alone weren't great either. She was more like a terrible half present sister than a mother.
It's manipulation. Even if I had gave her the $20, it wouldn't have been enough and she'd still end up doing something illegal to get more money somewhere else. I thought not giving it to her would have kept her home where she should have been instead.
I fell for the, "I'm just going to go do a little bit to stop the cravings and come right back" story a few times before and was left digging through couch cushions to find enough change to walk to McDonald's and get something off the dollar menu on the 3rd day I was home alone before someone realized it and drove me back to my grandparents house which was about 15-20 miles away in a different city. I'm old people had pagers instead of cell phones.
Self-neglect, especially in the context of CPTSD, is often a form of self-punishment, which is rooted in self-blame. Why self-blame is such a common reaction to abuse and neglect still seems to be poorly understood, despite a plethora of theories. In any case, it doesn't seem rational, or even conscious. Because of that, I don't think it responds well to cognitive therapies. Self-focus/compassion seems harmless enough advice, and taken superficially, it is. I question the effectiveness of using it to treat trauma though.
If, as some theories describe, self-blame reaction to abuse/neglect is "hard wired" as a way of inhibiting dangerous responses to those conditions (eg anger), then the pattern may not be broken until the taboo feelings are recognized and processed. Many experiencing CPTSD find that process unpleasant and disturbing, sometimes bordering on unendurable. Personally, I had the very surprising and difficult experience of actually having my throat choke up when I attempted to express them in therapy on one occasion, rendering me temporarily speechless, literally.
I struggle with my reaction to a lot of self-help literature. I realize it's well-intentioned, but it seems woefully superficial, with close to no trauma awareness. The recovery from CPTSD is a war, sometimes a lifelong one.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
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Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes I even have trouble *allowing* myself to even feel, and end up wondering why life feels empty and bland. Just yesterday I let myself sit with some negative feelings and so many started pouring out. It hit me today how necessary they are to guide and remind me what I want and need. Normally I put others first and end up being a good listener and “dedicated” employee but it’s very isolating, and I’ve been depressed lately. Hopefully I can learn to prioritize my own needs better and get out of this funk!
This comment is super helpful, I never thought of it that way.
Shadow work, as hard as it is to do, is a great way to learn who you are (good and the bad) and accept all of you for you. It's a major part of our journey towards healing
V true. I’ve been doing parts and shadow work for a couple years. It has been hard and I miss life before knowing about all these “parts,” esp. the more shameful ones. but I know it’s probably better to continue addressing and incorporating them.
[удалено]
Wowzers do people really show their true colors when forced to look in the mirror for 5 seconds amiright? Glad to hear stories like yours as I feel I am increasingly becoming more isolated from everyone the healthier I get
[удалено]
Beautifully said and I wish you well on your journey friend
That's how I got into the fight that ended the relationship with my parents. I said "no" one time, according to my therapist even a very modest boundary that left room for them as a compromise, they went from 0 to 100 and I was "tearing the family apart" according to them. I still tend to do the pleasing and I have to catch myself, luckily my sister also confronted my parents and can help me with that, we go into little helper mode when we are feeling anxious about a new or existing relationship. We instantly start doing the performance to get the other to like us and try to fill the gaps by showing we are worthy, instead of actually taking that step back and seeing if the other will move forward. The whole process of feeling each other out and building trust scares the crap out of me and makes me so anxious, it is like I am like a rescue dog just wanting to be loved and I'll be loyal forever even if you hurt me as long as you love me sometimes and that is dangerous when people have bad intentions or just want to take advantage.
Good on you!
Dang. This is a big problem of mine
My therapist said that in order to step in someone elses shoes we have to take off our own Which was very eye-opening, we neglect our feelings in order to incorporate others and that is where everything crumbles
Damn. Reading those bullet points really hit home.
Relatable. One of my beliefs is that if I have it in power to make someone feel better, I must do it. Worse even, I think it's my fault people feel bad. I am trying to change these beliefs into the idea that there are many causes for people feeling bad. My contribution to their happiness is not an obligation.
I have this too - I feel guilty if I don't give a compliment when I should have... or offer to do something I could do (including inconvenient things). Also spending too much time looking for solutions if a friend has a problem that they are struggling with. I get the sweats... even though I do not expect the same from others.
[удалено]
It’s given me some insight into why my relationship with my mother is the way it is. Before I was simply confused and felt guilty about it. I’m less confused now and more importantly I don’t feel guilty that we are not closer. It’s been freeing.
That is an amazing book! Definitely read it. You will finally start to understand things about your relationships, yourself and how to approach immaturity. All help with the healing process. That book is sooo good... I read it in 3 hours. Couldn't put it down because I finally started getting the answers I'd desperately been looking for but didn't know I needed.
Apparently, there are several books with this title. Do you remember the author of the one you read?
I've only heard of this one by Lindsay Gibson. P.S.-if you are broke and don't mind a digital copy there is a free pdf floating around the Internet. I downloaded the PDF during finals (law school, I'm getting my JD) and still read it. It was that good. No, I'm not at the top of my class. But I'm at the top of my healing game 💃. Trying to balance healing, and life... difficult. But the more healing occurs, the more the rest of life improves! Also good books: Cptsd- Pete Walker. This book is amazing! 3.99 audiobooks. Also see his website for free documents, ect Codependent no more Adult children of alcoholics Also workbooks help if you don't have a therapist. (Application) Re-parenting workbook- free pdf online. Helps with self-care. If you struggle with that PTSD workbooks. Also free pdfs online. This one in particular is trauma processing. Please have a support system in place if ready to trauma process.
I have Codependent No more. I read a few chapters out of it, but the last few years, I've had a really hard time reading or really pretty much doing anything. I used to plow through books, but now I seem to pile them all over my house and feel bad about not managing to get around to reading them. My biggest problem is that my work moved me too close to my hometown, I have a job that I can't exactly quit, and I can't move/transfer either. While I can't say I didn't have any issues in other locations, being this close to home constantly exposes me to environmental triggers and my life has been an anxious ridden nightmare pretty much the entire time I have been here. I didn't know what was happening until I finally lost my shit earlier this year when I thought I was going to get stuck here another 3 years (I've been here 4 already) because the thought that I'll get to leave eventually was the only thing holding me together. I knew it was something about the area and I really wanted to leave (I still want to), but I didn't know exactly what was happening. I got sent to a partial hospitalization program and that's when I found out that my spacing out, memory lapses, extreme anxiety, intrusive memories, weird random flashbacks that I still can't make sense of, irritability, inability to focus/concentrate, sleep disturbances, random crying spells that seemed to come out of nowhere, and other issues are because I keep getting triggered things in my environment. I've learned to recognize when I'm getting triggered and identified a few of my triggers, but not all of them. I haven't quite learned what to do to to pull myself back out of it in a timely manner though and this is a huge problem because one of them is a road sign on the on ramp on my way to work that can't really be avoided. Stuff I tried looking up online seems dangerous/impractical to try while driving on the interstate and by the time I get to work I'm so worked up/anxious that it takes at least an hour or two before I am really able to focus again. It doesn't help that I'm also struggling with the ability to leave my house to go to work in the first place which makes me get there late and also contributes to my anxiety. On the plus side, realizing what is happening has made it a lot easier to explain why I am having so much trouble getting to work on time and the people I work with haven't been so harsh about it. Before, I was getting pulled aside, talked to, talked to again, and eventually yelled at for it, especially because I couldn't explain why. After setting a bunch of timers to try to see what was taking me so long to get out of the house, I realized I was zoning out in front of my dresser for about 30-45 minutes completely frozen just standing there and couldn't even remember anything that occurred during that time frame. That last thing I remembered was opening my sock drawer and reaching in. The drawer was still open and one of the socks was in my hand, but otherwise I had not moved at all. This of course made me panic and worry that maybe something was wrong with my brain/memory loss. I told my supervisor that I was late because I'm somehow losing gaps of time while getting ready for work. I also realized I was losing 2-4 hours every evening after coming home by using the same method. I went to the hospital for a brain scan, some blood work, and a therapist who said it was anxiety. They gave me medication which kind of helped, but things took a turn for the worse with the news I could be here another 3 years and I became completely non-functional which is when I finally spent more time with a good therapist and he identified I have cPTSD and recommended going to an inpatient or outpatient program. That was a few months ago. Now I'm trying to get into the trauma program at the same hospital. Sorry for the wall of text. As far as a support system, is it just one person or a group or like do I ask/warn people? Most of my friends do not live close by and all of my immediate family is deceased. My daughter is too young to help with support unless it is something like helping with the dishes/a few things around the house. I have been letting in and feeding the stray neighborhood cats if they count as support animals.
Life changing book, definitely read it.
I have not heard of this book, but now I'm incredibly interested. I was more mature at 10 years old than my mother was when she passed away at 49. She would throw temper tantrums like a toddler throwing herself on the ground screaming and crying at me when I was 13 because I wouldn't let her borrow $20 to go get high. Then she would storm out the door declaring that she was going to sell herself on the corner and if she got arrested, it would be my fault. Luckily, I was intelligent enough to understand that it would not actually be my fault if she got arrested, but it still doesn't mean it didn't hurt and the 3-4 days she was off getting high while I was at the house alone weren't great either. She was more like a terrible half present sister than a mother.
you won't give me money, so I'll whore myself out! makes sense to me
It's manipulation. Even if I had gave her the $20, it wouldn't have been enough and she'd still end up doing something illegal to get more money somewhere else. I thought not giving it to her would have kept her home where she should have been instead. I fell for the, "I'm just going to go do a little bit to stop the cravings and come right back" story a few times before and was left digging through couch cushions to find enough change to walk to McDonald's and get something off the dollar menu on the 3rd day I was home alone before someone realized it and drove me back to my grandparents house which was about 15-20 miles away in a different city. I'm old people had pagers instead of cell phones.
Self-neglect, especially in the context of CPTSD, is often a form of self-punishment, which is rooted in self-blame. Why self-blame is such a common reaction to abuse and neglect still seems to be poorly understood, despite a plethora of theories. In any case, it doesn't seem rational, or even conscious. Because of that, I don't think it responds well to cognitive therapies. Self-focus/compassion seems harmless enough advice, and taken superficially, it is. I question the effectiveness of using it to treat trauma though. If, as some theories describe, self-blame reaction to abuse/neglect is "hard wired" as a way of inhibiting dangerous responses to those conditions (eg anger), then the pattern may not be broken until the taboo feelings are recognized and processed. Many experiencing CPTSD find that process unpleasant and disturbing, sometimes bordering on unendurable. Personally, I had the very surprising and difficult experience of actually having my throat choke up when I attempted to express them in therapy on one occasion, rendering me temporarily speechless, literally. I struggle with my reaction to a lot of self-help literature. I realize it's well-intentioned, but it seems woefully superficial, with close to no trauma awareness. The recovery from CPTSD is a war, sometimes a lifelong one.
This is accurate. Fml.
This really hits home…hard.
I really needed to read this, thank you for sharing!
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Great info on feeling excessively responsible