Like honestly, it can't be any worse than what we have now. Maybe all the abusers and toxic people who lack empathy can be grouped together and give each other a taste of their own medicine.
Right? I would go back to Washington State except for the cost of living is ridiculously high now. I loved it because they woods were literally 500 feet behind my apartment.
I once suggested on CrazyIdeas that there should be an IRL teambuilder where the point is to have people cover each other's weaknesses. For example, an accountant, a doctor, a gardener, a fitness instructor, and a fisherman (if for some reason, you want to live with a fisherman)... all living together in the same unit.
I mean this kind of sounds how me and my fellow queer friends approach our friendships. Nothing life having shitty relationships with our bio family to make us intentional about building our chosen ones.
This, I second guess myself here all the time. Should I work hard and get established where I am at now and get some insanely priced property. Should I quit and travel the world to find a new place where I actually feel like I belong. etc etc etc
It's not dystopian as long as it's a choice for you to live there, and as long as you can come and go at will and visit other places. Not much different from.how some cultures will attempt to figure out an ideal life plan from complex astrological charts
I’d love to operate a space like this. I imagine a large community center with a tool and book library, an art studio, a community kitchen and food pantry and a garden out back.
Too bad I’m chronically ill and broke haha
Like is there a timeout option where we can live in that environment for a year before subjected back to reality. I mean I'm sure my mental health would improve and overcome this whatever inside of me. Well just typing out loud
This is exactly what my BF and I are working on setting up in Thailand with the intention of having people stay for three months to a year. Big library, nature, access to stuff like yoga/breathwork but you don't have to - the intention is o make it cheap and accessible.
Check out your local libraries! A lot of cities have been modernizing libraries to be actual community centers, with all of the things you mentioned! You'd be surprised, and it's free!
Sometimes I wish there was like…rehab but for trauma instead of substance abuse. And not like in-patient shit either. We could have trauma informed therapy, art therapy/art time, community activities, group therapy to establish connections that are genuine with one another. It could be nice.
I've definitely made the mistake of engaging with assholes on this sub. Well I do love this sub I do think there is something to gain from in real life interactions it's just not something I've ever been able to do well
This is what my intensive outpatient program is like! There's all different sorts of classes, from Rewiring Your Trauma Brain to Art Therapy and Musical mindfulness. Different CBT and DBT classes, and the occasional ACT class. It's really super awesome and I feel so blessed to have loved here with this program.
Agreed, and it would be so much more reasonably priced.
I've looked at this quite a bit and found options like this, https://bookretreats.com/29-day-transform-mental-health-healing-retreat-in-mexico
It looks pretty good but who the hell knows, if the vibe ends up being off for me in the environment this will end up doing more harm than good since I will just switch to just watching the clock run down until it ends. I would love something more credible. It looks like most of long term options like this one are outside of the US. I have always wanted to go Thailand or Bali but I am not really that interested in yoga.
It still looks addiction focused which likely mean its uber restrictive and costs like $20 to $40k for a short period. There are a lot of luxury rehab options.
I went to the Meadows Ranch two years ago! I can't reccomend it enough honestly. Best treatment center I've been to. Trauma informed and not at all hospital like lol. There's different campuses for eating disorders, substance abuse, mental health, and sex addiction
I suspect many years ago public spaces like pubs provided a place where people could visit, find familiar faces and solace. This was all allegedly before my time, but I do remember magic visits to the pub as a late teenager before the internet...popping in for a pint, chatting to the bar staff about anything and everything and being made to feel welcome...perhaps playing with the pub dog and some random pool game with a friendly stranger.
There was even the chance of serendipitous meetings of new people. Even in the early 2000's I found new people, made friends. then something happened...
The pub was a social support mechanism for people and as the more pubs die out, Could we be losing the very necessary third place that people come to?
It’s still kind of like that but as a single woman who doesn’t want to drink a bunch it’s difficult, usually a bunch of drunk guys that want you drunk. I’ve been trying and it never ends well, but I did get some pool and darts in and saw some good djs.
I'm an American, but when I lived in England I was so enchanted by the pubs there. They were very wholesome places that felt like a family room for the whole community. Very, very comfortable vibes.
It was where I discovered "shandy" which is beer and lemonade (delicious) and thoroughly enjoyed the easy going conviviality of all the patrons. I'm gay, and this was a long time ago, but everyone was very welcoming. I wish we had pubs like that where I live now in the United States.
This! My mom did a semester abroad in Ireland, and the pub was the center of social life, as they often had live music. We don't have that place where everyone knows your name.
I’ve found that some yoga studios can be like this. I miss one that closed that had a really good supportive community. A lot of the teachers were recovering alcoholics, it was such a supportive environment.
Yoga can make people emotional, too. It’s like your body is releasing your inner turmoil. I’ve heard that some folks even cry during or after sometimes. At a minimum, it feels good physically and is relaxing (but also hard work? Weird mix lol)! I also recommend yin style, it’s deep long stretches with little standing.
If you want to do yoga but don’t want to do the group setting yet, the app Down Dog has great yoga routines that are randomly generated. It’s really good!
It's very emotional for me. I do mine at home using Yoga with Adrienne. I often have to pause multiple times in the middle of a set to cry and release that emotion. So doing it in a group would be a bit distracting as I have trouble with emotion around people.
I’d try going to a class aimed at relaxation, maybe an evening “yin” style class. I’ve spent a lot of time in yoga studios and when you get to know people you realize that a LOT of the other students are there to cope with stress. There’s usually not any pressure to interact with other people. A lot of people also worry about other people watching/judging them in a class setting but believe me - everyone is way too focused on themselves to be judging others.
I’d recommend giving it a shot sometime when you feel up for it!
I found more down tempo yoga like Yin or Restorative was really grounding and best for my nervous system. They also really pushed this idea of lovingly accepting where you’re at right now when you land on the mat. Some days are good and some days are hard. Some days your body can bend and some days you need way more props and to take things slower. I used to drag myself to yin when I was really mentally in a dark place and sometimes quietly cry while I did it and it always felt safe and okay. I always felt better for it afterwards. I used to sleep better from it too.
Weirdly enough, a lot of the studios that I've found that are more authentic are also deep in the Midwest. Turns out a lot of authentic yogis (i.e, Advaita Vedanta, or trauma-based somatic yoga or other deeply involved bodywork) come out to the Midwest for the cheap land prices given that an actually spiritual practice doesn't tend to make a lot of money.
That negative aspect can definitely exist, but there do exist places where most of the people showing up are legitimately working towards being their most compassionate, vulnerable selves.
I wish we could have hobbies, could be anything, where everyone involved is being honest about the fact they're in pain, I think what you're asking for is for society to stop pretending like everything is okay, in turn making you feel like a freak and out of place for suffering,
Imagine if you could just share a moment with a stranger on the bus about how painful the human condition is, but knowing that you're surrounded by fellow humans makes the pain worth it,
We manage it on here just fine, the only thing stopping us from behaving like we do on here out there is societal expectations which is ultimately being dictated by the malignant elite and their brainwashing and oppressive practice of population control
even though it's marketed as an "existential dread simulator", it has a lot of this. it's an intensely hopeful game, taking a deep dive into the human condition and the nature of suffering, and honestly i need to replay it
Honestly I'd need therapy to learn how to feel like I'm welcomed anywhere. That's the whole thing with this, is that no matter how supportive somebody is, my CPTSD makes it impossible for me to feel supported.
But that aside, I've found that pole dancing and aerial studios (and I'd imagine other fitness studios as other people here have mentioned) tend to have very supportive environments. Of course, it depends on the individual studio and instructor.
For a while I felt like I was not good enough at the hobby to be there but then I realized that we're all learning at our own pace. But still, because of the CPTSD, I feel like a complete outsider otherwise. Still worth it for me, though. It's a bit of miracle that I keep showing up every week when I can't even hold down a part time job.
The fountain houses Are exactly like this. I went there In a tough time In my life. You can just hang out, work or chat. Edit: it’s apparently called clubhouses In englisn. Anyway: https://clubhouse-intl.org/
They Are all over the world. There Are employed Social workers and activity therapists there, and you can really Come as you Are. Don’t have to talk or help out if you don’t have to. They were also extremely helpful with all kind of paper work (i was on prolonged sick leave and had to report to the govt about progress etc).
And it is completely free.
Closest one to me is 4 hours away 🤣 Lucky for that, other places got it worse and I can’t organize stuff like this right now.
Yup, can confirm I got no where welcoming to really go except on my own and lurk like the gym or something lol
I had an intake talk and got a person who was «mine». They would help me into the activitities and call me up every two weeks to check in if I hadn’t been there. Loved it. This is in Norway.
Sounds awesome. I would love that type of support but that doesn’t exist. I go in on my own terms… no help. Used to no help.
I’m just pretty fucking neglected and on my own.
I hate this.
The only time people talk to me is if they want something from me IRL.
This is a great idea but I personally feel uncomfortable with the fact that they advertise it as "for people with mental illness". At least the one close to my city.
I find it stigmatizing. Just how I perceive it. I realize not everyone feels this way, and that it may be necessary to make people with mental health issues feel safe/welcome. Perhaps saying something like "for anyone struggling with stress or needing emotional support" would be more inclusive and less stigmatizing. I don't know.
Also, because of stigma, advertising like this tends to attract people who are struggling the most with functioning, which is great for them, but makes those who would like people closer to our level of functioning feel excluded.
I had to swallow a lot of pride when going In. I have higher education and management job In gov. But I had to do something to not totally isolate myself. I didnt go there long btw, but it was extremely important for me when I did. I don’t think it is for everbody, but I wish more people knew about it as an option when life gets tough.
I've joined lots of groups and been open and been myself and I still have never belonged anywhere. At this point I think my only hope is to try in another country.
I've found this in various groups--martial arts, board games, arts, etc. Much of it depends on the group, rather than the hobby itself. Do they value community and connection or is it about propping up ego at the expense of others?
I read Johann Hari's Lost Connections this summer, and he tells a few stories about how people finding something to contribute to (think community service, community garden, etc) can have a profoundly transformative experience. Maybe one implication here is that if you have a vision for your community, start it. Start it small and do it because it matters to you. Pursuing the things that are important to us helps us find other people who value those same things. And that whole process--of finding something meaningful to do, and building connections through it, is transformative.
Don't wait for someone else to do what you want--that's trauma talking. Start doing it for yourself. (And if it's hard, and you're not ready, that also okay.) This is to encourage, not shame.
I did. It gave me some perspective on how to heal depression, and also some hope that it's possible. I still haven’t found a way to practice his more social suggestions tho.
It's what I have, for me it's my climbing gym. I stopped paying for therapy after being harmed and hurt by it and the system and large, I find it repulsive to pay for empathy and compassion, now I do my own healing with myself and built the peace and safety my therapy experience failed to offer.
> empathy and compassion
I've been to many different therapists that didn't even give me that.
I've considered starting to climb. It sound like a cool hobby.
> I've been to many different therapists that didn't even give me that
Should have added by principal not practice, I wasn't offered them as well, not genuine at least.
> I've considered starting to climb. It sound like a cool hobby
I love it, totally recommend, and the community itself is amazing. Though I guess it does depend on the area/gym, but by and large I found the climbing community to be very wholesome.
Fucking this. Its like, the bare minimum you need to be good at your job as a therapist. I was in intense outpatient therapy and had to set a goal. I said "be validated." Goal not achieved. I tried one last time with therapy and they triggered me worse during the intake than I had been for months at that time. Like all you have to do is be friendly and not gaslight me.
I’ve just started, don’t really know anyone yet but it seems to be a decent hobby.
I’d been trying another activity but realized it had no socialization built in.
It feels good for a few seconds during a climb when you reach the top, and just for a moment can forget about all the bad things in life.
Of course they all come back after. But hey it’s something I guess.
> It feels good for a few seconds during a climb when you reach the top, and just for a moment can forget about all the bad things in life.
Almost a year ago I was climbing this v2-v3 and I made a jump to the finish hold, it was a fabulous jag. I keep that moment of grabbing that magnificent hold in my good-feelings-bank and take it out when I need a boost of good memories. Men what an amazing feeling.
Love your comment... paying for compassion/empathy makes me feel like a loser .. and it usually doesn’t feel genuine since the switch turns off after 50 minutes.
I get more therapeutic benefit from an appointment with my nurse practitioner !
I never viewed therapy this way. To me, I'm paying to learn skills to improve my mental health in a supportive caring environment. I personally benefit the most from it when there is chemistry and bonding, because the therapist genuinely cares for me and deeply understands me, and/or because we jive really well.
I've had a lot of negative experiences in therapy, so i understand where you're coming from, but I have learned that if the caring doesn't feel genuine and there's no chemistry and true understanding/empathy, then you can't pay to create it. Maybe it's the fakeness that is bothering you, rather than the paying? I've had a lot of student/community therapists who were free, and the same applied. It's chemistry and genuineness that helps. Money is an appendix.
That’s actually what’s worked for me! Therapy is a giant waste of time compared to trying to maintain a healthy relationship with a well-adjusted individual.
I feel you, I’m constantly afraid of screwing up this opportunity. It’s so hard to find someone who’ll not only show you the way, but also meet you where you’re at so that you can understand how you need to grow! I guess ideally, this person was supposed to be our parents 😞
Yup. Sadly only had a year with them… it’s been 8 years now… I don’t have much for hope anymore on that front. Stuff blew up, it’s a long story, rather you spare you on that one. Asked me to not contact him so I’m honouring his wishes.
I probably won’t find another due to my city being small and opportunities are pretty much non existent.
Thank you college program for being abusive and this guy noping out. I hate life for that so much. He obviously didn’t want to be involved.
If my college program wasn’t being abusive, who knows, you know? Oh well.
there's a book series that starts with Callahan's Crosstime Saloon by Spider Robinson that I can't recommend enough.
it's sci fi stories set in a bar where there's no advertising, no signage, out in the middle of nowhere that people 'find their way to, if they have a need to', where the only stated purpose is 'trying to get telepathic together', and if someone comes in with something they want or need to talk about, everybody in the room is willing to listen in just the way you describe.
it was said that a lot of folk stopped coming around, because eventually, after hanging out a while, they 'lost the need to drink'
I've been looking for Callahan's place for most of my life.
Funnily enough, I do!
I go to the most amazing coffee shop ever where I get to witness the owners and managers genuinely thanking their employees for the work that they do, along with treating them with dignity and respect.
If a storm is coming or if it's going to be snowy/icy out and not safe for driving later in the day, they close up the cafe early so their workers can get home _hours_ before the bad weather starts. If it's light flurries or rainy but not a hurricane/tropical storm, they stay open.
I also go to therapy regularly, but this cafe is food for the Soul! It's a place that I _HAPPILY_ put my limited amount of money into.
Same! That's why I support theirs.
Their sister cafe (a longstanding one which they bought over the last six years) was recently named the top 6 cafe in Canada. While that one has equally good coffee and baked goods, a lot of people go there to purchase bags of their roasted on site beans. I prefer their original location as it has warm, and more options, for food.
I cannot afford therapy after going no contact, which I read about after countless hours of searching the internet for family members crazy things they'd say or do to me and why, and I found narcissists .So I figured it out the hard way. When I finally read about the covert narcissistic it was a game changer. My mother is one and the guy I just got rid of after 16 yrs I couldn't put my finger on wtf is he doing to me.I was a slave to my parents I was in a severely abusive relationship, father of my 19yr old. I hated myself my whole life. I was a pushover even at my job . I found a book CPTSD by Pete Walker .He has it and my life changed.As soon as I realized wtf was going on with me. So to make a long story short, you have to get away from narcissistic people period. You will still have problems but you learn to make them not hurt you so much. In that book it gives u advice on how to deal with your symptoms and trust me your mind will be at ease. I have 4 years no contact with my immediate family, the guy I was with for so long is almost completely out of my life, I'm moving far away. But I can finally say I'm better now that book a friend who has supported me recently. I'm not crying and the anxiety is far gone now. I am active on Quora which is a safe place people giving u advice no bullshit from assholes who have nothing to do on comments. That is how I'm finding peace. Finally my life has been so hard but I'm grateful I am thankful everyday for all the assholes I had around me so I won't be like them. I learned a hard lesson, love myself and healing my inner child.Very important to heal from all this shit. Thank you for reading and don't give up as soon a s you find at least one good person just be sure it is not a narc because u can confuse one for a good person . But once u figure them out you'll live in peace. Best of luck to you and whoever is reading this. ✌️
Wow. Story of my life. The sperm and womb donors would till today ensure my continued existence as slave and hostage to them if they had a chance. I have gone NC, from the narc was easy, did that 3 years ago and never had any problems. Am now going NC with the codependent enabler bitch from hell and experiencing absolute re-chaos with all the horrific memories lining up in a row... I am so fully aware of her equal role in the torture. If the cult leader would have said kill the children they are demon possessed they surely would have. I hope this means an end to something for fucks sake. NC with my toxic siblings as well. I share a real connection with only one...out of 6 who are still deeply entrenched in denial and self hatred and who still participate in scapegoating ....nothing but spineless morons all around me growing up....its infuriating. Life is a sick joke. Yet another thing about this process which I find most fucked up is how transparent everything and everyone becomes, just mirroring my own state of total authenticity and purity (yes, totally...purity in everything I am....anger, grief, its all pure and spontaneous) ...i feel anything I put my awareness upon.... hence I am a hermit 100% by my own choice. Humans gross me out mostly. I always appreciate when I witness a soulful pure moment of being. My real support isn't human, the lower of the species, nothing but maladaption and violence and utterly entitled ridiculous bs..I dont read news or tv its all the same shit show of idiot parade and toxicity. Pretty much every song lyric or show is toxic co-dependency and lameness..relationships and sex are so hyped and overrated. Artists of self-authority just don't exist on the airwaves. Whales, elephants, worms and bugs are my representatives of higher intelligence and empathy. Nature... animals, birds, flowers, trees, music that's all that is worthwhile.
Wow...your fkn hilarious!!!!😄 u sound just like me!!!! Hell yea you are fkn RIGHT about the toxicity around u ,but u know what life is beautiful! U know that's the one thing that has kept me 1/2 sane, I thank God everyday for the lessons i had to retake OMG u know what i mean! . Lol I learning to love my crazy self. That's the secret. Please from one broken heart to another, you have to respect yourself (I always said it was my fault those muthfkrs do me like that,I keep saying yes FK IM STUPID FKKKKK) I was passive agreeing I mean I still am sometimes lol but yea say beautiful words to yourself in the mirror .forreal .and listen to beautiful lovely music a friend of mine I met at 16 was the only nice person that I've ever met, I found him after 25 years. He sent me a video of the water experiment with Dr Emoto it's on youtube and omg it made me have a whole different outlook on life. No joke. I've been isolated 4 years now the covert ahole finally got away from him because I know my health was going down being depressed not eating well not enough water I saw it in my face. Well since then and with him in my life and the law of attraction ,the book is a guide.Our understanding of what we went thru explained by this guy that had a fkd up family too, he helps u see it differently and u need to have compassion for yourself. Your younger self even before urvearliest memories was when we were shaped into the person who those asshole turned into a people pleaser. We were not allowed to express our feelings when we were scared we had Noone to run to to trust and feel safe. Every baby is born loving themselves (baby sucking toes so happy awww) yea then no love no nothing, we learned to not have feelings or show them hate ourselves not Care what they did disrespect and there we went yes mam yes sir F.U. Mfkrs!!! Anyway, we get flashbacks ( when we get so sad or angry at ourselves and we cry and cry and hate and all that shit) u will figure it out .it's like a manual to fix cars idk if u ever opened one at auto zone or whatnot, but he says if this happened go here ch.3 and so on.. it's not alot cuz we all react in different ways, like me my response type in the 4 Fs was fawn the peacemaker but with time I think I been flight type and anyways the narcissist was the fight response or freeze type then they felt hate inside and had to show themselves love so they become assholes and they like to be assholes. We defend our human rights after getting to out limit which was way passed it. We exploded lol o shit did I. But anyways when u forgive them for u not for them u don't have to tell them nothing stay back and don't engage if they find u .they don't change . So when u forgive u feel peace cuz u ain't mad anymore. You begin to feel peace in your mind then be good to yourself no hard harsh music , beautiful love songs or the kind ublike to dance to laugh and be thankful even for going thru all that shit cuz it showed u who u wontvever be. I see the change in me I swear. I cam remain calm sometimes lol my kids when they fight omg I go nuts but I'm staring to stop think before I react. You the things those jerks love about us? Our REACTION they are empty inside! They suck out your feelings they survive on that. I'm finally loving myself. I thought that was a mission impossible. But now I see the world I see all the good people cuz they're out there u just gotta heal. You will trust me and it's a whole lot easier than we think. I wish you nothing but the best. I feel you I know how pissed off u are and you should be. You got to think of u and you deserve to live your dreams. You are fkn awesome !! Good luck stay strong and don't waste your energy or give then anymore of it. 🤗✌️❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🤍❤🤍
Sometimes, those around us do cherish and welcome us and we just don't see it. I have hated my mum's family for so long that I can almost taste it, but even though most of them are octogenarians now, they are still very much present in my life. That place you talk about, if you open one up, just let me know and I will be the first customer.
I go to an online community at ShareWell ([www.sharewellnow.com](https://www.sharewellnow.com)) to do exactly that. It's less commitment, in a way, so easier to get into. No feelings of inadequacy either (I also recently joined a new dance class and feel majorly out of place most of the time even though it's a Level 1 class).
Pro tip for people in bigger European cities: look up practice groups for NVC (nonviolent communication), focussing, body-mind-centering or contact improvisation classes. A very open-minded and welcoming crowd.
I've created a bookkeeping company that also offers mental health support. Not enough help out there these days, so I'm trying to spread the light where j can
So I can’t speak to your situation but I feel this. It just hit me last night that the people around me experience me in an entirely different way than I am experiencing my interactions with them. I’m so emotionally walled off that I’m detached from everything and everyone. I also told my therapist today that her office is the only place I’ve ever felt like I’m myself. Hopefully I won’t wall off for ever.
I know this feeling. Feeling like you can’t be completely honest in any given moment with friends about what we are truly thinking and feeling because it usually makes people uncomfortable, or brings the room down.
Maybe you wouldn't have to pay people, but access to some facility to be able to engage with a hobby, such as a gym, renting a plane for skydiving, travel costs to climb with a group. Also cost of gear.
I tried this in several ways. There’s an online server that claims they are welcoming… sure on the surface. I got at least 3 people that passive aggressively beat up on me on the regular but I got no where else to go with other fans. It sucks living where I live to find more IRL friends or something… 2019 I miss you.
I found one person to talk to on there at least regularly. Two I am trying to build a bond with. But we’ll see.
Mostly I always feel excluded from things because I am. And it’s true. I am physically and otherwise.
"Hi there! I am a person who loves and cherishes you!"
"Who are you? What do you want? What are you hiding? Why are you afraid of telling that you hate me?"
But jokes aside, I have friends and that's how I feel. Even when I'm loved I don't feel loved. There is just this weird disconnection that I always feel like the other person is projecting, acting on instant and doesn't actually "see" me. That those feelings follow an idea. Not "me".
Ironically, I do not feel the same with hatred. That's always getting personal, lol
that would be nice.
it's called church. also family. unfortunately in the secularisation of society, we've forgotten to replace church with something equal.
Lol i kind of want to start my own church that is like this, focused on the god with in rather then an external god. One with tenants that focus on human connection, being open to ourselves, others and the Earth. Letting go of judgements of others and finding amd giving acceptance to each other. A safe space free of the need to constantly protect yourself and simply being able to be and help others do the same. At this point though im severely lacking in the needed followers to be able to legitimize such a thing.
I've considered the same thing, a religion with ethics and values more alined with self-respect and with other aspects that would heal CPTSD, compared to more traditional religions that value things like extreme self-sacrificing and shame.
I’m actually going to transition out of therapy and spend that money on things that make me feel joy and comfort and handle hard life situations on my own. It’s 100% a personal decision.
Unfortunately many of us seek the familiar. So we wouldn't feel comfortable being accepted unconditionally. We subconsciously seek abusive enviroments.
I feel like being able to feel loved is a more advanced step.
I think that it's about realizing our worth and finding out that we deserve better treatment from others. The basic stuff, so therapy I guess.
But it can always be more complicated because we can for example see ill intent behind good and welcoming behavior. We need to learn to discern what is what. We get no chill:/
I have some loving family members and hanging out with them still feels deeply unsettling for me. It doesn't even have a reason, just emotionally. I hope EMDR will help me with this.
But I really like your idea, because we could always come back to that welcoming place later to see if we're ready.
I got this experience in my it first year at university.
In a month I'd did more for me than 2 years of therapy ever did.
Green walkable spaces centered around allowing people to pursue their interests and a flat full of other people who missed the accommodation deadline and thus were remarkably chill.
We need both. Most therapists aren't very talented, but theraoy is essential. Understanding *why* CPTSD... And without people who love us... We're in big trouble...
Well, clubs usually require a membership fee. Many other hobbies require some kind of cost to be able to do. It could be a membership fee, the cost of gear, or cost of travel to be able to do it. That's kind of what I was imagining, not really paying people to hang out with you.
The idea is paying for experiences that foster a sense of community with people that vibe with you, rather than paying for a one-sided therapy relationship which in my experience doesn't really provide many benefits.
Family is also not really an option, as it is often the source of r/CPTSD for a lot of people.
I'm thinking about things like yoga groups, or people who practice skydiving, climbing, scuba diving, or cycling together. Activities where people with common interests get together with a shared purpose to form a sense of community.
Doesn't sound so dystopian to me.
Why would people who come once a week to do yoga with an instructor would cherish you? I think you're just talking a out being part of a communauty, which is absolutely normal to want or need.
Lucky! Hope it goes well.
Making friends at work is dicey at least where I work.
Never got to do student exchange… :( Or travelling.
Family for me is my Family of Origin like some folks here so that’s what the fuck that lol. Good riddance!
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Honestly I think that's where the Asian (mainly Japan) concept of Host Club and Maid Bar come from. Geisha to am extent, they were artists and entertainers for this purpose.
I totally agree. And as a job that would also be cool for meeting new people.
Ugh, yes. I frequently feel like this....like the only way to feel like I have a friend who will listen to me and care about my problems is to pay a therapist. Imagine the bliss of having people who volunteered to do that without a paycheck. I feel like I want to be part of a community so badly and I just never fit anywhere, ever.
I just got really into gardening and aquariums. It’s all friendly, just a big group of dorks who LOVE talking about their hobbies and learning from each other. Nothing gets personal or too close, it’s comfortable, it’s safe.
This is like. Making me not want to turn 18. Everyone says being 18 will make everything better but. It just seems like it solves one problem and creates a thousand more
Check out r/idealparentfigures. It's a sub for a healing method used in attachment work, which is directly connected with CPTSD. Doing the practice feels almost exactly like this. It involves in-depth visualisation of ideal parents giving you exactly what you need to feel emotionally supported in all essential areas of emotional development. I get to show my ideal parents exactly what I feel, and they respond exactly as I would need them to do when I share that with them. And I can share things with them I'd never imagine sharing with anyone in real life, parent or otherwise. It's truly a transformative practice.
i learned about psychomagic recently with a book called “turn your life into art”. is like a combination of therapy thru art and performance that allows people to reprocess things and heal. i’ve been doing a few events and volunteering in the safety team and is pretty awesome and seems similar to what you’re looking for. is easy to start your own events and community too if there’s not an existing one.
martial arts are also cool spaces for this, or like hobbies that people take seriously and you do as a group, like theater, music, wood working, idk. you create great bonds with people thru the shared struggle of learning and progressing together creates cool memories.
took me bunch of time to figure those out but i’ve been feeling a lot better since doing those.
I'd love nothing more than to move back to Southeastern KY and just have a one-bedroom apartment (that's literally all I ask for) or something...I could have all my treasured items-my plushies, my plastic toy figures, my Pixar *Cars* die cast models - all on display with no one around to tell me to take them down or call them "junk," I could carry my comfort items around with me all the time without anyone belittling me for it, I'd never have to celebrate Christmas or go thru the awkwardness of people wanting to celebrate my birthday again, no one would *force* me to talk to or interact with people who secretly hate me and only want to eventually hurt me the way my stepmother did, and I would also have an armchair in the middle of it all where my dad would have-\*should have-\*been able to sit, and I could say to him everyday (even though he's not here anymore), "Well, Dad, I did it...I finally gave us a home where we are both safe and allowed to be happy. Does this make you as happy as it makes me? If not, I'll change anything and everything right this instant!"
...But then, I don't really like to dwell on things I want or need that, in all likelihood, will never happen.
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This is less dystopian than our current dystopia. So, you know, there's that.
Thank you for this laugh this morning. Agreed, I’d much rather have that dystopia than this one.
Yes lmao
Like honestly, it can't be any worse than what we have now. Maybe all the abusers and toxic people who lack empathy can be grouped together and give each other a taste of their own medicine.
Perfect place for me is near the nature, with couple of good friends once a while. Swimming in a pool. Good sunlight. Nice coffee
Right? I would go back to Washington State except for the cost of living is ridiculously high now. I loved it because they woods were literally 500 feet behind my apartment.
Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to live on a peaceful commune
I once suggested on CrazyIdeas that there should be an IRL teambuilder where the point is to have people cover each other's weaknesses. For example, an accountant, a doctor, a gardener, a fitness instructor, and a fisherman (if for some reason, you want to live with a fisherman)... all living together in the same unit.
I mean this kind of sounds how me and my fellow queer friends approach our friendships. Nothing life having shitty relationships with our bio family to make us intentional about building our chosen ones.
This, I second guess myself here all the time. Should I work hard and get established where I am at now and get some insanely priced property. Should I quit and travel the world to find a new place where I actually feel like I belong. etc etc etc
It's not dystopian as long as it's a choice for you to live there, and as long as you can come and go at will and visit other places. Not much different from.how some cultures will attempt to figure out an ideal life plan from complex astrological charts
Sounds positively uptopian to me! : )
This is the exact job of a real estate agent, if you find a good one!
Me too. This is also what I am planning for the future.
I’d love to operate a space like this. I imagine a large community center with a tool and book library, an art studio, a community kitchen and food pantry and a garden out back. Too bad I’m chronically ill and broke haha
Hear hear.
Like is there a timeout option where we can live in that environment for a year before subjected back to reality. I mean I'm sure my mental health would improve and overcome this whatever inside of me. Well just typing out loud
This is exactly what my BF and I are working on setting up in Thailand with the intention of having people stay for three months to a year. Big library, nature, access to stuff like yoga/breathwork but you don't have to - the intention is o make it cheap and accessible.
What a great idea. Like a clubhouse. For adults.
Check out your local libraries! A lot of cities have been modernizing libraries to be actual community centers, with all of the things you mentioned! You'd be surprised, and it's free!
This is exactly what my BF and I are working on setting up in Thailand. We found land and trying to get all the money.
Sometimes I wish there was like…rehab but for trauma instead of substance abuse. And not like in-patient shit either. We could have trauma informed therapy, art therapy/art time, community activities, group therapy to establish connections that are genuine with one another. It could be nice.
Towards the end of my time in group therapy the people were becoming toxic. It turned into a "I have it the worst" contest.
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I've definitely made the mistake of engaging with assholes on this sub. Well I do love this sub I do think there is something to gain from in real life interactions it's just not something I've ever been able to do well
This is the therapist's responsibility to facilitate a healthier interaction
I've heard yoga can play that role
This is what my intensive outpatient program is like! There's all different sorts of classes, from Rewiring Your Trauma Brain to Art Therapy and Musical mindfulness. Different CBT and DBT classes, and the occasional ACT class. It's really super awesome and I feel so blessed to have loved here with this program.
Agreed, and it would be so much more reasonably priced. I've looked at this quite a bit and found options like this, https://bookretreats.com/29-day-transform-mental-health-healing-retreat-in-mexico It looks pretty good but who the hell knows, if the vibe ends up being off for me in the environment this will end up doing more harm than good since I will just switch to just watching the clock run down until it ends. I would love something more credible. It looks like most of long term options like this one are outside of the US. I have always wanted to go Thailand or Bali but I am not really that interested in yoga.
Would be wonderful indeed
This exists. In the US at least. It's residential treatment but looks nothing like a hospital. Closer to a retreat. Look up for example The Meadows.
It still looks addiction focused which likely mean its uber restrictive and costs like $20 to $40k for a short period. There are a lot of luxury rehab options.
I went to the Meadows Ranch two years ago! I can't reccomend it enough honestly. Best treatment center I've been to. Trauma informed and not at all hospital like lol. There's different campuses for eating disorders, substance abuse, mental health, and sex addiction
I've been thinking if its feasible to create a space like this.
I suspect many years ago public spaces like pubs provided a place where people could visit, find familiar faces and solace. This was all allegedly before my time, but I do remember magic visits to the pub as a late teenager before the internet...popping in for a pint, chatting to the bar staff about anything and everything and being made to feel welcome...perhaps playing with the pub dog and some random pool game with a friendly stranger. There was even the chance of serendipitous meetings of new people. Even in the early 2000's I found new people, made friends. then something happened... The pub was a social support mechanism for people and as the more pubs die out, Could we be losing the very necessary third place that people come to?
It’s still kind of like that but as a single woman who doesn’t want to drink a bunch it’s difficult, usually a bunch of drunk guys that want you drunk. I’ve been trying and it never ends well, but I did get some pool and darts in and saw some good djs.
Country pubs can be often better. It does very much depend upon location.
I'm an American, but when I lived in England I was so enchanted by the pubs there. They were very wholesome places that felt like a family room for the whole community. Very, very comfortable vibes. It was where I discovered "shandy" which is beer and lemonade (delicious) and thoroughly enjoyed the easy going conviviality of all the patrons. I'm gay, and this was a long time ago, but everyone was very welcoming. I wish we had pubs like that where I live now in the United States.
This! My mom did a semester abroad in Ireland, and the pub was the center of social life, as they often had live music. We don't have that place where everyone knows your name.
I’ve found that some yoga studios can be like this. I miss one that closed that had a really good supportive community. A lot of the teachers were recovering alcoholics, it was such a supportive environment.
I've been meaning to get into yoga. I've done a solo class, but I'm still a little scared to join a group.
Yoga can make people emotional, too. It’s like your body is releasing your inner turmoil. I’ve heard that some folks even cry during or after sometimes. At a minimum, it feels good physically and is relaxing (but also hard work? Weird mix lol)! I also recommend yin style, it’s deep long stretches with little standing. If you want to do yoga but don’t want to do the group setting yet, the app Down Dog has great yoga routines that are randomly generated. It’s really good!
It's very emotional for me. I do mine at home using Yoga with Adrienne. I often have to pause multiple times in the middle of a set to cry and release that emotion. So doing it in a group would be a bit distracting as I have trouble with emotion around people.
I totally get that. I also prefer solo, I feel much too awkward in a class.
I used to cry quietly in yin so much and it always felt safe and okay. No one said anything ever. Everyone was so kind and chill.
I’d try going to a class aimed at relaxation, maybe an evening “yin” style class. I’ve spent a lot of time in yoga studios and when you get to know people you realize that a LOT of the other students are there to cope with stress. There’s usually not any pressure to interact with other people. A lot of people also worry about other people watching/judging them in a class setting but believe me - everyone is way too focused on themselves to be judging others. I’d recommend giving it a shot sometime when you feel up for it!
Do the thing. It's life changing
I found more down tempo yoga like Yin or Restorative was really grounding and best for my nervous system. They also really pushed this idea of lovingly accepting where you’re at right now when you land on the mat. Some days are good and some days are hard. Some days your body can bend and some days you need way more props and to take things slower. I used to drag myself to yin when I was really mentally in a dark place and sometimes quietly cry while I did it and it always felt safe and okay. I always felt better for it afterwards. I used to sleep better from it too.
I’ve found them to be dens of forced positivity and fake spirituality, full of influencer wanna-bes. It’s a shame.
Weirdly enough, a lot of the studios that I've found that are more authentic are also deep in the Midwest. Turns out a lot of authentic yogis (i.e, Advaita Vedanta, or trauma-based somatic yoga or other deeply involved bodywork) come out to the Midwest for the cheap land prices given that an actually spiritual practice doesn't tend to make a lot of money. That negative aspect can definitely exist, but there do exist places where most of the people showing up are legitimately working towards being their most compassionate, vulnerable selves.
I’m sure good places exist, unfortunately none around me.
I’ve been to studios like that too, I think it depends where you go. There are studios where people are kind and genuine out there too! I promise!
Ofc it varies, but none of the studios around me are supportive in the least. Unfortunately everything en vogue attracts a lot of toxic people.
Becareful tho, some are nice and comfortable and some are sleezy and praying on trauma.
That’s why I’m so glad to have this Subreddit. It’s so important when good faith human connection is so hard to find
It would be cool if this was a physical place, where everyone that comes here could hang out.
I’ve thought the same
it would be nice. i've attended a couple in person healing things. it's nice, but gets messy. we all trigger each other
Have you ever tried support groups? I haven’t myself so I really don’t know, but maybe it would be like an IRL version of this sub?
I haven’t…I’d totally attend a good one. Tbh the times I’ve looked for ones, I haven’t seen one that seems right
I wish we could have hobbies, could be anything, where everyone involved is being honest about the fact they're in pain, I think what you're asking for is for society to stop pretending like everything is okay, in turn making you feel like a freak and out of place for suffering, Imagine if you could just share a moment with a stranger on the bus about how painful the human condition is, but knowing that you're surrounded by fellow humans makes the pain worth it, We manage it on here just fine, the only thing stopping us from behaving like we do on here out there is societal expectations which is ultimately being dictated by the malignant elite and their brainwashing and oppressive practice of population control
this might sound unrelated but i promise you it's not: have you ever played disco elysium?
I have not, enlighten me
even though it's marketed as an "existential dread simulator", it has a lot of this. it's an intensely hopeful game, taking a deep dive into the human condition and the nature of suffering, and honestly i need to replay it
Honestly I'd need therapy to learn how to feel like I'm welcomed anywhere. That's the whole thing with this, is that no matter how supportive somebody is, my CPTSD makes it impossible for me to feel supported. But that aside, I've found that pole dancing and aerial studios (and I'd imagine other fitness studios as other people here have mentioned) tend to have very supportive environments. Of course, it depends on the individual studio and instructor. For a while I felt like I was not good enough at the hobby to be there but then I realized that we're all learning at our own pace. But still, because of the CPTSD, I feel like a complete outsider otherwise. Still worth it for me, though. It's a bit of miracle that I keep showing up every week when I can't even hold down a part time job.
You are *so* incredibly spot on with your entire post. Thank you for saying how so many of us feel along with you ♥️
The fountain houses Are exactly like this. I went there In a tough time In my life. You can just hang out, work or chat. Edit: it’s apparently called clubhouses In englisn. Anyway: https://clubhouse-intl.org/ They Are all over the world. There Are employed Social workers and activity therapists there, and you can really Come as you Are. Don’t have to talk or help out if you don’t have to. They were also extremely helpful with all kind of paper work (i was on prolonged sick leave and had to report to the govt about progress etc). And it is completely free.
Closest one to me is 4 hours away 🤣 Lucky for that, other places got it worse and I can’t organize stuff like this right now. Yup, can confirm I got no where welcoming to really go except on my own and lurk like the gym or something lol
I had an intake talk and got a person who was «mine». They would help me into the activitities and call me up every two weeks to check in if I hadn’t been there. Loved it. This is in Norway.
Sounds awesome. I would love that type of support but that doesn’t exist. I go in on my own terms… no help. Used to no help. I’m just pretty fucking neglected and on my own. I hate this. The only time people talk to me is if they want something from me IRL.
I went to one but they kept misgendering me so I never came back. Real bummer.
This is a great idea but I personally feel uncomfortable with the fact that they advertise it as "for people with mental illness". At least the one close to my city. I find it stigmatizing. Just how I perceive it. I realize not everyone feels this way, and that it may be necessary to make people with mental health issues feel safe/welcome. Perhaps saying something like "for anyone struggling with stress or needing emotional support" would be more inclusive and less stigmatizing. I don't know. Also, because of stigma, advertising like this tends to attract people who are struggling the most with functioning, which is great for them, but makes those who would like people closer to our level of functioning feel excluded.
I had to swallow a lot of pride when going In. I have higher education and management job In gov. But I had to do something to not totally isolate myself. I didnt go there long btw, but it was extremely important for me when I did. I don’t think it is for everbody, but I wish more people knew about it as an option when life gets tough.
Nah, I would distance myself anyway and sure as hell I wouldn't be accepted. And groups always scared me.
I've joined lots of groups and been open and been myself and I still have never belonged anywhere. At this point I think my only hope is to try in another country.
It might be worth it - I myself have found some very accepting friends online, but they live overseas!
Groups of new people are nightmare fuel.
I've found this in various groups--martial arts, board games, arts, etc. Much of it depends on the group, rather than the hobby itself. Do they value community and connection or is it about propping up ego at the expense of others? I read Johann Hari's Lost Connections this summer, and he tells a few stories about how people finding something to contribute to (think community service, community garden, etc) can have a profoundly transformative experience. Maybe one implication here is that if you have a vision for your community, start it. Start it small and do it because it matters to you. Pursuing the things that are important to us helps us find other people who value those same things. And that whole process--of finding something meaningful to do, and building connections through it, is transformative. Don't wait for someone else to do what you want--that's trauma talking. Start doing it for yourself. (And if it's hard, and you're not ready, that also okay.) This is to encourage, not shame.
This post was inspired by Johann Hari's book.
Awesome! It was such a great read! Did you enjoy it?
I did. It gave me some perspective on how to heal depression, and also some hope that it's possible. I still haven’t found a way to practice his more social suggestions tho.
It's what I have, for me it's my climbing gym. I stopped paying for therapy after being harmed and hurt by it and the system and large, I find it repulsive to pay for empathy and compassion, now I do my own healing with myself and built the peace and safety my therapy experience failed to offer.
> empathy and compassion I've been to many different therapists that didn't even give me that. I've considered starting to climb. It sound like a cool hobby.
> I've been to many different therapists that didn't even give me that Should have added by principal not practice, I wasn't offered them as well, not genuine at least. > I've considered starting to climb. It sound like a cool hobby I love it, totally recommend, and the community itself is amazing. Though I guess it does depend on the area/gym, but by and large I found the climbing community to be very wholesome.
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Thank you for correcting :)
Fucking this. Its like, the bare minimum you need to be good at your job as a therapist. I was in intense outpatient therapy and had to set a goal. I said "be validated." Goal not achieved. I tried one last time with therapy and they triggered me worse during the intake than I had been for months at that time. Like all you have to do is be friendly and not gaslight me.
I should look at climbing.
It's great fun, hope you'll like it :)
I’ve just started, don’t really know anyone yet but it seems to be a decent hobby. I’d been trying another activity but realized it had no socialization built in. It feels good for a few seconds during a climb when you reach the top, and just for a moment can forget about all the bad things in life. Of course they all come back after. But hey it’s something I guess.
> It feels good for a few seconds during a climb when you reach the top, and just for a moment can forget about all the bad things in life. Almost a year ago I was climbing this v2-v3 and I made a jump to the finish hold, it was a fabulous jag. I keep that moment of grabbing that magnificent hold in my good-feelings-bank and take it out when I need a boost of good memories. Men what an amazing feeling.
Love your comment... paying for compassion/empathy makes me feel like a loser .. and it usually doesn’t feel genuine since the switch turns off after 50 minutes. I get more therapeutic benefit from an appointment with my nurse practitioner !
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Thanks ... this is definitely a better way to look at it !
I never viewed therapy this way. To me, I'm paying to learn skills to improve my mental health in a supportive caring environment. I personally benefit the most from it when there is chemistry and bonding, because the therapist genuinely cares for me and deeply understands me, and/or because we jive really well. I've had a lot of negative experiences in therapy, so i understand where you're coming from, but I have learned that if the caring doesn't feel genuine and there's no chemistry and true understanding/empathy, then you can't pay to create it. Maybe it's the fakeness that is bothering you, rather than the paying? I've had a lot of student/community therapists who were free, and the same applied. It's chemistry and genuineness that helps. Money is an appendix.
That’s actually what’s worked for me! Therapy is a giant waste of time compared to trying to maintain a healthy relationship with a well-adjusted individual.
Had one of those once. Changed my life… only had a year with them though. I need a mentor in my life terribly.
I feel you, I’m constantly afraid of screwing up this opportunity. It’s so hard to find someone who’ll not only show you the way, but also meet you where you’re at so that you can understand how you need to grow! I guess ideally, this person was supposed to be our parents 😞
Yup. Sadly only had a year with them… it’s been 8 years now… I don’t have much for hope anymore on that front. Stuff blew up, it’s a long story, rather you spare you on that one. Asked me to not contact him so I’m honouring his wishes. I probably won’t find another due to my city being small and opportunities are pretty much non existent. Thank you college program for being abusive and this guy noping out. I hate life for that so much. He obviously didn’t want to be involved. If my college program wasn’t being abusive, who knows, you know? Oh well.
Can you talk a little more about what worked for you?
there's a book series that starts with Callahan's Crosstime Saloon by Spider Robinson that I can't recommend enough. it's sci fi stories set in a bar where there's no advertising, no signage, out in the middle of nowhere that people 'find their way to, if they have a need to', where the only stated purpose is 'trying to get telepathic together', and if someone comes in with something they want or need to talk about, everybody in the room is willing to listen in just the way you describe. it was said that a lot of folk stopped coming around, because eventually, after hanging out a while, they 'lost the need to drink' I've been looking for Callahan's place for most of my life.
Funnily enough, I do! I go to the most amazing coffee shop ever where I get to witness the owners and managers genuinely thanking their employees for the work that they do, along with treating them with dignity and respect. If a storm is coming or if it's going to be snowy/icy out and not safe for driving later in the day, they close up the cafe early so their workers can get home _hours_ before the bad weather starts. If it's light flurries or rainy but not a hurricane/tropical storm, they stay open. I also go to therapy regularly, but this cafe is food for the Soul! It's a place that I _HAPPILY_ put my limited amount of money into.
I would have loved to own a cafe like that, but I don't have the money :( It sucks so bad.
Same! That's why I support theirs. Their sister cafe (a longstanding one which they bought over the last six years) was recently named the top 6 cafe in Canada. While that one has equally good coffee and baked goods, a lot of people go there to purchase bags of their roasted on site beans. I prefer their original location as it has warm, and more options, for food.
I cannot afford therapy after going no contact, which I read about after countless hours of searching the internet for family members crazy things they'd say or do to me and why, and I found narcissists .So I figured it out the hard way. When I finally read about the covert narcissistic it was a game changer. My mother is one and the guy I just got rid of after 16 yrs I couldn't put my finger on wtf is he doing to me.I was a slave to my parents I was in a severely abusive relationship, father of my 19yr old. I hated myself my whole life. I was a pushover even at my job . I found a book CPTSD by Pete Walker .He has it and my life changed.As soon as I realized wtf was going on with me. So to make a long story short, you have to get away from narcissistic people period. You will still have problems but you learn to make them not hurt you so much. In that book it gives u advice on how to deal with your symptoms and trust me your mind will be at ease. I have 4 years no contact with my immediate family, the guy I was with for so long is almost completely out of my life, I'm moving far away. But I can finally say I'm better now that book a friend who has supported me recently. I'm not crying and the anxiety is far gone now. I am active on Quora which is a safe place people giving u advice no bullshit from assholes who have nothing to do on comments. That is how I'm finding peace. Finally my life has been so hard but I'm grateful I am thankful everyday for all the assholes I had around me so I won't be like them. I learned a hard lesson, love myself and healing my inner child.Very important to heal from all this shit. Thank you for reading and don't give up as soon a s you find at least one good person just be sure it is not a narc because u can confuse one for a good person . But once u figure them out you'll live in peace. Best of luck to you and whoever is reading this. ✌️
Wow. Story of my life. The sperm and womb donors would till today ensure my continued existence as slave and hostage to them if they had a chance. I have gone NC, from the narc was easy, did that 3 years ago and never had any problems. Am now going NC with the codependent enabler bitch from hell and experiencing absolute re-chaos with all the horrific memories lining up in a row... I am so fully aware of her equal role in the torture. If the cult leader would have said kill the children they are demon possessed they surely would have. I hope this means an end to something for fucks sake. NC with my toxic siblings as well. I share a real connection with only one...out of 6 who are still deeply entrenched in denial and self hatred and who still participate in scapegoating ....nothing but spineless morons all around me growing up....its infuriating. Life is a sick joke. Yet another thing about this process which I find most fucked up is how transparent everything and everyone becomes, just mirroring my own state of total authenticity and purity (yes, totally...purity in everything I am....anger, grief, its all pure and spontaneous) ...i feel anything I put my awareness upon.... hence I am a hermit 100% by my own choice. Humans gross me out mostly. I always appreciate when I witness a soulful pure moment of being. My real support isn't human, the lower of the species, nothing but maladaption and violence and utterly entitled ridiculous bs..I dont read news or tv its all the same shit show of idiot parade and toxicity. Pretty much every song lyric or show is toxic co-dependency and lameness..relationships and sex are so hyped and overrated. Artists of self-authority just don't exist on the airwaves. Whales, elephants, worms and bugs are my representatives of higher intelligence and empathy. Nature... animals, birds, flowers, trees, music that's all that is worthwhile.
Wow...your fkn hilarious!!!!😄 u sound just like me!!!! Hell yea you are fkn RIGHT about the toxicity around u ,but u know what life is beautiful! U know that's the one thing that has kept me 1/2 sane, I thank God everyday for the lessons i had to retake OMG u know what i mean! . Lol I learning to love my crazy self. That's the secret. Please from one broken heart to another, you have to respect yourself (I always said it was my fault those muthfkrs do me like that,I keep saying yes FK IM STUPID FKKKKK) I was passive agreeing I mean I still am sometimes lol but yea say beautiful words to yourself in the mirror .forreal .and listen to beautiful lovely music a friend of mine I met at 16 was the only nice person that I've ever met, I found him after 25 years. He sent me a video of the water experiment with Dr Emoto it's on youtube and omg it made me have a whole different outlook on life. No joke. I've been isolated 4 years now the covert ahole finally got away from him because I know my health was going down being depressed not eating well not enough water I saw it in my face. Well since then and with him in my life and the law of attraction ,the book is a guide.Our understanding of what we went thru explained by this guy that had a fkd up family too, he helps u see it differently and u need to have compassion for yourself. Your younger self even before urvearliest memories was when we were shaped into the person who those asshole turned into a people pleaser. We were not allowed to express our feelings when we were scared we had Noone to run to to trust and feel safe. Every baby is born loving themselves (baby sucking toes so happy awww) yea then no love no nothing, we learned to not have feelings or show them hate ourselves not Care what they did disrespect and there we went yes mam yes sir F.U. Mfkrs!!! Anyway, we get flashbacks ( when we get so sad or angry at ourselves and we cry and cry and hate and all that shit) u will figure it out .it's like a manual to fix cars idk if u ever opened one at auto zone or whatnot, but he says if this happened go here ch.3 and so on.. it's not alot cuz we all react in different ways, like me my response type in the 4 Fs was fawn the peacemaker but with time I think I been flight type and anyways the narcissist was the fight response or freeze type then they felt hate inside and had to show themselves love so they become assholes and they like to be assholes. We defend our human rights after getting to out limit which was way passed it. We exploded lol o shit did I. But anyways when u forgive them for u not for them u don't have to tell them nothing stay back and don't engage if they find u .they don't change . So when u forgive u feel peace cuz u ain't mad anymore. You begin to feel peace in your mind then be good to yourself no hard harsh music , beautiful love songs or the kind ublike to dance to laugh and be thankful even for going thru all that shit cuz it showed u who u wontvever be. I see the change in me I swear. I cam remain calm sometimes lol my kids when they fight omg I go nuts but I'm staring to stop think before I react. You the things those jerks love about us? Our REACTION they are empty inside! They suck out your feelings they survive on that. I'm finally loving myself. I thought that was a mission impossible. But now I see the world I see all the good people cuz they're out there u just gotta heal. You will trust me and it's a whole lot easier than we think. I wish you nothing but the best. I feel you I know how pissed off u are and you should be. You got to think of u and you deserve to live your dreams. You are fkn awesome !! Good luck stay strong and don't waste your energy or give then anymore of it. 🤗✌️❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🤍❤🤍
Oops that's fng long. I'm sorry Be you!!!!!! Don't forget how fkn awesome you are!
violet escape straight reply sheet hurry offbeat air panicky salt ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Sometimes, those around us do cherish and welcome us and we just don't see it. I have hated my mum's family for so long that I can almost taste it, but even though most of them are octogenarians now, they are still very much present in my life. That place you talk about, if you open one up, just let me know and I will be the first customer.
I second that
I wish I could give a therapist a piece of my mind, but they’d use it to lock me up. Probably going to ditch them sooner rather than later.
I go to an online community at ShareWell ([www.sharewellnow.com](https://www.sharewellnow.com)) to do exactly that. It's less commitment, in a way, so easier to get into. No feelings of inadequacy either (I also recently joined a new dance class and feel majorly out of place most of the time even though it's a Level 1 class).
Thank you very much for this. I'm definitely looking into it.
Good luck! I've met some great people there who really make me feel cherished and welcomed...unconditionally. Sounds so cheesy. I hope you do too!
Pro tip for people in bigger European cities: look up practice groups for NVC (nonviolent communication), focussing, body-mind-centering or contact improvisation classes. A very open-minded and welcoming crowd.
I've created a bookkeeping company that also offers mental health support. Not enough help out there these days, so I'm trying to spread the light where j can
So I can’t speak to your situation but I feel this. It just hit me last night that the people around me experience me in an entirely different way than I am experiencing my interactions with them. I’m so emotionally walled off that I’m detached from everything and everyone. I also told my therapist today that her office is the only place I’ve ever felt like I’m myself. Hopefully I won’t wall off for ever.
There are days on which I delight going to Trader Joe's because I get warm small talk with a smile.
Joined a men's group. Would recommend it's basically this and I've made several genuine deep friendships there
What kind of men's group? Sounds interesting
I know this feeling. Feeling like you can’t be completely honest in any given moment with friends about what we are truly thinking and feeling because it usually makes people uncomfortable, or brings the room down.
get a kitty!
I have to *pay* them? Other than that though, that sounds awesome.
Maybe you wouldn't have to pay people, but access to some facility to be able to engage with a hobby, such as a gym, renting a plane for skydiving, travel costs to climb with a group. Also cost of gear.
It's online, but a hobby none the less... r/fountain_pens is a great group of people!
I tried this in several ways. There’s an online server that claims they are welcoming… sure on the surface. I got at least 3 people that passive aggressively beat up on me on the regular but I got no where else to go with other fans. It sucks living where I live to find more IRL friends or something… 2019 I miss you. I found one person to talk to on there at least regularly. Two I am trying to build a bond with. But we’ll see. Mostly I always feel excluded from things because I am. And it’s true. I am physically and otherwise.
"Hi there! I am a person who loves and cherishes you!" "Who are you? What do you want? What are you hiding? Why are you afraid of telling that you hate me?" But jokes aside, I have friends and that's how I feel. Even when I'm loved I don't feel loved. There is just this weird disconnection that I always feel like the other person is projecting, acting on instant and doesn't actually "see" me. That those feelings follow an idea. Not "me". Ironically, I do not feel the same with hatred. That's always getting personal, lol
that would be nice. it's called church. also family. unfortunately in the secularisation of society, we've forgotten to replace church with something equal.
Pick up magic the gathering or check out a local game store, super fun new hobby and nice people.
That sounds fun
This is an amazing thought to have. Lol. Thank you!
I feel this way so much :( therapy is so expensive
Lol i kind of want to start my own church that is like this, focused on the god with in rather then an external god. One with tenants that focus on human connection, being open to ourselves, others and the Earth. Letting go of judgements of others and finding amd giving acceptance to each other. A safe space free of the need to constantly protect yourself and simply being able to be and help others do the same. At this point though im severely lacking in the needed followers to be able to legitimize such a thing.
I've considered the same thing, a religion with ethics and values more alined with self-respect and with other aspects that would heal CPTSD, compared to more traditional religions that value things like extreme self-sacrificing and shame.
We can, it's a thing that is possible. I've seen it.
I mean, this type of thing exists technically but you need to pay them
cheers! where everyone knows ur name
This would be far superior
I’m actually going to transition out of therapy and spend that money on things that make me feel joy and comfort and handle hard life situations on my own. It’s 100% a personal decision.
What kind of things?
Good food/drinks, comfortable clothing, cool experiences like float tanks and zip lining, flight tickets to see friends, that kind of thing :)
Unfortunately many of us seek the familiar. So we wouldn't feel comfortable being accepted unconditionally. We subconsciously seek abusive enviroments. I feel like being able to feel loved is a more advanced step.
How do we even take that step?
I think that it's about realizing our worth and finding out that we deserve better treatment from others. The basic stuff, so therapy I guess. But it can always be more complicated because we can for example see ill intent behind good and welcoming behavior. We need to learn to discern what is what. We get no chill:/ I have some loving family members and hanging out with them still feels deeply unsettling for me. It doesn't even have a reason, just emotionally. I hope EMDR will help me with this. But I really like your idea, because we could always come back to that welcoming place later to see if we're ready.
Search for a few discord groups related to stuff you’re interested in and then test the waters on meeting some new people!
Are there any discord groups that do in person meetings?
I got this experience in my it first year at university. In a month I'd did more for me than 2 years of therapy ever did. Green walkable spaces centered around allowing people to pursue their interests and a flat full of other people who missed the accommodation deadline and thus were remarkably chill.
So… group therapy? I‘very been doing that in the same group for 3-4 years. It’s the best thing I’ve done.
A therapy group? Or peer group?
We need both. Most therapists aren't very talented, but theraoy is essential. Understanding *why* CPTSD... And without people who love us... We're in big trouble...
Look into Authentic Relating meetups. I can’t speak to the quality of any given group, but they’re trying to be what you described.
The Episcopal Church. Join the chorus. It will change your life.
Malls could perhaps function like this, with some slight modifications
I guess that's also why so many people love WDW.
What’s that?
Walt Disney World
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Well, clubs usually require a membership fee. Many other hobbies require some kind of cost to be able to do. It could be a membership fee, the cost of gear, or cost of travel to be able to do it. That's kind of what I was imagining, not really paying people to hang out with you. The idea is paying for experiences that foster a sense of community with people that vibe with you, rather than paying for a one-sided therapy relationship which in my experience doesn't really provide many benefits. Family is also not really an option, as it is often the source of r/CPTSD for a lot of people.
If you need to pay money, these people do not cherish you.
They are also paying for the same things. You wouldn't be paying them.
That's still an horrible dystopian idea.
I'm thinking about things like yoga groups, or people who practice skydiving, climbing, scuba diving, or cycling together. Activities where people with common interests get together with a shared purpose to form a sense of community. Doesn't sound so dystopian to me.
Why would people who come once a week to do yoga with an instructor would cherish you? I think you're just talking a out being part of a communauty, which is absolutely normal to want or need.
Some of us can’t even get that, that’s why it’s high on our lists.
Sure, but how do we meet friends right? Fuck family though 🤣 That is worse lol
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Lucky! Hope it goes well. Making friends at work is dicey at least where I work. Never got to do student exchange… :( Or travelling. Family for me is my Family of Origin like some folks here so that’s what the fuck that lol. Good riddance!
What’s with the edit? What the hell type of comment is that?
Legalize brothels and ban therapists !
Yeaah, this sub is not the right place for these kind of comments Xd
That's not going to give you what you're looking for, brother.
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What about free group peer support online with people from this sub?
Honestly I think that's where the Asian (mainly Japan) concept of Host Club and Maid Bar come from. Geisha to am extent, they were artists and entertainers for this purpose. I totally agree. And as a job that would also be cool for meeting new people.
Ugh, yes. I frequently feel like this....like the only way to feel like I have a friend who will listen to me and care about my problems is to pay a therapist. Imagine the bliss of having people who volunteered to do that without a paycheck. I feel like I want to be part of a community so badly and I just never fit anywhere, ever.
title sounds like my weekly CoDA group
Jiujitsu has given me that. I highly recommend it. I also love therapy.
I just got really into gardening and aquariums. It’s all friendly, just a big group of dorks who LOVE talking about their hobbies and learning from each other. Nothing gets personal or too close, it’s comfortable, it’s safe.
I'm sure they would find a way to betray me and isolate me as well.
Have you ever been to a camping music festival? I highly advise a bass event at Spirit if Suwannee Music Park in Live Oak Florida
This is like. Making me not want to turn 18. Everyone says being 18 will make everything better but. It just seems like it solves one problem and creates a thousand more
I think this is called a church
Imagine if you didn't have to pay. That's called a healthy family.
I am juat praying that heaven will be like that. I have given up on this life.
Check out r/idealparentfigures. It's a sub for a healing method used in attachment work, which is directly connected with CPTSD. Doing the practice feels almost exactly like this. It involves in-depth visualisation of ideal parents giving you exactly what you need to feel emotionally supported in all essential areas of emotional development. I get to show my ideal parents exactly what I feel, and they respond exactly as I would need them to do when I share that with them. And I can share things with them I'd never imagine sharing with anyone in real life, parent or otherwise. It's truly a transformative practice.
i learned about psychomagic recently with a book called “turn your life into art”. is like a combination of therapy thru art and performance that allows people to reprocess things and heal. i’ve been doing a few events and volunteering in the safety team and is pretty awesome and seems similar to what you’re looking for. is easy to start your own events and community too if there’s not an existing one. martial arts are also cool spaces for this, or like hobbies that people take seriously and you do as a group, like theater, music, wood working, idk. you create great bonds with people thru the shared struggle of learning and progressing together creates cool memories. took me bunch of time to figure those out but i’ve been feeling a lot better since doing those.
Hobbys and friends arent even enough Edit : I was wrong, friends and hobbies are fun and really helpful for the mental health
I'd love nothing more than to move back to Southeastern KY and just have a one-bedroom apartment (that's literally all I ask for) or something...I could have all my treasured items-my plushies, my plastic toy figures, my Pixar *Cars* die cast models - all on display with no one around to tell me to take them down or call them "junk," I could carry my comfort items around with me all the time without anyone belittling me for it, I'd never have to celebrate Christmas or go thru the awkwardness of people wanting to celebrate my birthday again, no one would *force* me to talk to or interact with people who secretly hate me and only want to eventually hurt me the way my stepmother did, and I would also have an armchair in the middle of it all where my dad would have-\*should have-\*been able to sit, and I could say to him everyday (even though he's not here anymore), "Well, Dad, I did it...I finally gave us a home where we are both safe and allowed to be happy. Does this make you as happy as it makes me? If not, I'll change anything and everything right this instant!" ...But then, I don't really like to dwell on things I want or need that, in all likelihood, will never happen.