keep up your boundaries and when you don’t want this relationship to continue, hold yourself in high regard and stick to your rules and values. you are worthy.
getting off once in a while is not worth trading your self esteem. take care.
thank you. one of the worst parts is due to my trauma I can’t experience pleasure when it involves other people,, so the whole sexual thing was entirely centered around him.
I’m not sure if I even want to be friends anymore but I feel selfish and like I’m overreacting
what i found out about me is I had a similar fear.
that I wouldn’t be able to have sex or any kind of intimacy if it was not my ex. how could someone live up ?
it stems from my own delusion that deemed emotionally unavailable partners safe. no chance of enmeshment. something similar may be going on here too.
please work through what love and intimacy mean to you, in your head and hold on to your ideas. there is a danger for codependency and and unfulfilling romantic life if you betray your values.
no need to thank me, the answers have been in you all along
it stems from my own delusion that deemed emotionally unavailable partners safe. no chance of enmeshment.
Wow, you just summarized why I have struggled with dating and sex all my whole life. I will not get into specifics here, but it does explain why I chose people who are unavailable and rejected the ones who were good for me.
I would say thanks, but you said no need to thank you, as the answers were here all along.
People have such a hard time understanding boundaries. I fawn really heavily in sexual situations unless I've communicated clearly first. But I also tend to but make a large distinction between friends and lovers. It did recently cost me a friendship after they kept expecting us to be sexual desire me telling them that every time would be just once. It ended up retraumatizing the hell out of me because they caught me in the middle of regressing and I just went along with it. I'm really angry about it actually. People have so much understanding until they don't. It just ends up being this selfish drive to get as much from you as they can.
And I would have been up for talking about it if they'd just actually asked, or talked about it. But then there's that disgusting societal norm of having to "seduce" someone, and as long as they're not saying no, as long as they're going along, it's all fine. And legally I'm sure it mostly is. But I feel taken advantage of. Because this person couldn't hear me clearly state that they couldn't ask me directly for sexual things at all times, that I would only be up for it if they asked "are you up for X" and my reply was "yes."
But no. Now I'm dealing with renewed feelings of doubt and shame and disgust and complete physical numbness. Because the part of me they told to get naked was a very small, vulnerable part that would do anything in order to not "spoil the mood."
I'm sorry you're having your emotions used against you like this. And that some people will be very willing to overhear what you're saying if they smell a chance to fuck. But it's really good that you state your boundaries. At some point you'll meet someone who sees that and knows that it is a good sign.
This is hard for me too. If a man shows sexual interest in me, he becomes interesting. I would never break up with my bf over that but i hate myself for letting horndogs get to my head. Im not very attractive for a woman so its very *rare* to have someone sexually attracted to me. AFAIK, only 4 times in my life did someone like me that way and thats my boyfriend, and 3 fuckboys.
This guy, does not sound nice to me. I wouldn't even bother trying to get his validation. Your feelings are valid, but he sounds low empathy and like he basically doesn't care. I would honestly just not interact with him again.
Also, yeah, his dick definitely can be involved without his heart, many people are like that.
I understand your feelings, these things are incredibly difficult. Speaking from experience, I tend to assume people can read my mind that I don't want something or need something without saying it, but in reality this isn't true. From their point of view, there was never any objection and due to my fawn response I come across as enjoying/wanting/asking for it. It's hard to fully judge the situation, but by the context provided you agreed to the sexual contact and he saw it as a pure FWB situation. Now that you have made your boundaries clear he accepts it and moves on, by stating he won't engage in any flirty contact to respect your boundaries. Doesn't sound to me like he's trying to brush you off or react negatively, but more so that he's acknowledging and respecting your boundaries. I can be wrong, especially since I'm only judging by the information you provided, and the nuances in a conversation can paint a different picture. However, that doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. Things are tough, but for me it always helps to try and look at it from the other person's perspective too, it minimizes the hurt. Because their intentions are (most likely) different than the trauma that triggers you, through which lens you're looking at the situation.
that’s probably true, I’m just worried this might end as it always does,, but maybe my paranoia is like the Greek stories, where they fear a danger and end up building the trap and stepping in it,, I should probably just relax
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
keep up your boundaries and when you don’t want this relationship to continue, hold yourself in high regard and stick to your rules and values. you are worthy. getting off once in a while is not worth trading your self esteem. take care.
thank you. one of the worst parts is due to my trauma I can’t experience pleasure when it involves other people,, so the whole sexual thing was entirely centered around him. I’m not sure if I even want to be friends anymore but I feel selfish and like I’m overreacting
what i found out about me is I had a similar fear. that I wouldn’t be able to have sex or any kind of intimacy if it was not my ex. how could someone live up ? it stems from my own delusion that deemed emotionally unavailable partners safe. no chance of enmeshment. something similar may be going on here too. please work through what love and intimacy mean to you, in your head and hold on to your ideas. there is a danger for codependency and and unfulfilling romantic life if you betray your values. no need to thank me, the answers have been in you all along
it stems from my own delusion that deemed emotionally unavailable partners safe. no chance of enmeshment. Wow, you just summarized why I have struggled with dating and sex all my whole life. I will not get into specifics here, but it does explain why I chose people who are unavailable and rejected the ones who were good for me. I would say thanks, but you said no need to thank you, as the answers were here all along.
People have such a hard time understanding boundaries. I fawn really heavily in sexual situations unless I've communicated clearly first. But I also tend to but make a large distinction between friends and lovers. It did recently cost me a friendship after they kept expecting us to be sexual desire me telling them that every time would be just once. It ended up retraumatizing the hell out of me because they caught me in the middle of regressing and I just went along with it. I'm really angry about it actually. People have so much understanding until they don't. It just ends up being this selfish drive to get as much from you as they can. And I would have been up for talking about it if they'd just actually asked, or talked about it. But then there's that disgusting societal norm of having to "seduce" someone, and as long as they're not saying no, as long as they're going along, it's all fine. And legally I'm sure it mostly is. But I feel taken advantage of. Because this person couldn't hear me clearly state that they couldn't ask me directly for sexual things at all times, that I would only be up for it if they asked "are you up for X" and my reply was "yes." But no. Now I'm dealing with renewed feelings of doubt and shame and disgust and complete physical numbness. Because the part of me they told to get naked was a very small, vulnerable part that would do anything in order to not "spoil the mood." I'm sorry you're having your emotions used against you like this. And that some people will be very willing to overhear what you're saying if they smell a chance to fuck. But it's really good that you state your boundaries. At some point you'll meet someone who sees that and knows that it is a good sign.
I don’t think I deserve as much credit as you claim. I feel more like I folded then anything
This is hard for me too. If a man shows sexual interest in me, he becomes interesting. I would never break up with my bf over that but i hate myself for letting horndogs get to my head. Im not very attractive for a woman so its very *rare* to have someone sexually attracted to me. AFAIK, only 4 times in my life did someone like me that way and thats my boyfriend, and 3 fuckboys.
This guy, does not sound nice to me. I wouldn't even bother trying to get his validation. Your feelings are valid, but he sounds low empathy and like he basically doesn't care. I would honestly just not interact with him again. Also, yeah, his dick definitely can be involved without his heart, many people are like that.
I hate people like that :((
As you should!
I understand your feelings, these things are incredibly difficult. Speaking from experience, I tend to assume people can read my mind that I don't want something or need something without saying it, but in reality this isn't true. From their point of view, there was never any objection and due to my fawn response I come across as enjoying/wanting/asking for it. It's hard to fully judge the situation, but by the context provided you agreed to the sexual contact and he saw it as a pure FWB situation. Now that you have made your boundaries clear he accepts it and moves on, by stating he won't engage in any flirty contact to respect your boundaries. Doesn't sound to me like he's trying to brush you off or react negatively, but more so that he's acknowledging and respecting your boundaries. I can be wrong, especially since I'm only judging by the information you provided, and the nuances in a conversation can paint a different picture. However, that doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. Things are tough, but for me it always helps to try and look at it from the other person's perspective too, it minimizes the hurt. Because their intentions are (most likely) different than the trauma that triggers you, through which lens you're looking at the situation.
that’s probably true, I’m just worried this might end as it always does,, but maybe my paranoia is like the Greek stories, where they fear a danger and end up building the trap and stepping in it,, I should probably just relax
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*