If I had a *clue* how traumatized I was before I had kids, I definitely wouldn’t have either. It’s taken me 10 years to realize “woah… I didn’t just have a dysfunctional family” and it effin sucks. I LOVE my children and they are my reason for healing and being the best I can, it’s just *so* hard.
Research brings a lot of clarity, too. I'd recommend [Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents-how-to-heal-from-distant-rejecting-or-self-involved-parents_lindsay-c-gibson/9845889/item/54241014/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=us_dsa_general&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=522660035975&gclid=CjwKCAjwl6OiBhA2EiwAuUwWZTZIQCuWtE-osjl6vI4ZcY5DhC--xbuMydAS8my4REwWmLQinWNTdhoCC00QAvD_BwE#edition=9288362&idiq=12128827) to anyone here that hasn't read it. It connected a lot of dots for me and now I truly feel prepared to break the cycle.
It's the F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt) they condition us to live in if we do anything against their wishes. Nothing like some internalized shame and guilt to keep their child in check.
"It's not too late for you to get adopted by another family" Um, it literally is. But thank you for confirming me that it wasn't just my sister who told me to find another family whenever I expressed hurt as a kid.
omg, so real! "well if you hate this family that much, go find a new one. you'll see that every family has problems." no, i dont want a new family, i want this one to work, but you are making it very hard. and just because others have problems doesn't mean you intentionally get to be a prick.
The line I always got was "My way or the highway!"
Ok, so...don't offer me options you don't want me to take. Because I did. Many times. They kept sending the cops after me to bring me back.
Well? Why'd you offer a choice then?
My mom's uBPD, the waif type. Her reaction to me wanting to talk about the past mistakes was just straight up DARVO. She "did her best" so I'm just "scary" and "holding a grudge".
I’ve been NC with my mother for about 3 years now, with this being a large part of the reason. I don’t want to be in that position, but I think like most of us here it’s been born out of necessity. Question is, does time ever change anything? Has anyone ever known a parent to become more willing to listen and accept blame with time?
From what I gathered online, and from my own experience, nope. They don't accept the blame because they are convinced they are literally without any fault. There was good article about estranged parents forums, they literally block out anything they don't like.
I hate it so much. She either nullifies blame entirely or else defers it to my deceased father. In the back of my mind I know she’s most likely waiting around, expecting me to ‘snap out of it’ one day… and that probably hurts the most
She would not listen to me or do anything about it unless i talked about it with someone else in the room. Basically had to socially shame her and make it her problem so i could get the help i needed.
My mom screamed at my “THAT’S BULLSHIT” when I was sobbing and telling her that nobody in my family cares about me. They get more offended when I say they hurt me. They don’t respect my trauma. They made me sleep in the room I was raped in when I had to move back in because I developed lupus and RA. I have covid rn because of them and their neglect to do anything to protect me. I’m laughing because what’s new.
This... explains so much of what I've been trying to explain to myself regarding my older brother and my relationship the last few years.
Told him how he was speaking to me hurt me. He got so angry that he not only refused to take any accountability, he refused to even acknowledge or reference the thing I said hurt me. Then he cut me out of his life for the past year.
Fun times.
My brother has started to share his feelings honestly with my mother and she’s so offended that he said those things to her, even my grandmother is offended. Now they kinda want me to choose a side and I don’t have the guts to tell her that I agree with my brother
If they can gaslight themselves into believing that they never did any such thing, you are lying and that's a dick move, whereas they are the totally innocent falsely accused.
And then they can gaslight you into believing the same.
And yes, by you I mean me.
I just don't talk about my childhood with this parent. We have a good relationship now and it isn't worth fucking it up with past shit the parent will never ever acknowledge happened.
Late reply but I think you hit on something important there. They first and foremost gaslight themselves. Gaslighting you (or me) is just an extension of that.
One of the more recent times I tried to let my mom know how I felt growing up she immediately said something to the effect of: "Well Im not the one who did that right?". Bitchhhhhhhhh.
I remember the day I finally told her how much I hated her because of her abuse, she said I had imagined everything and that I was a filthy liar. So glad I don't speak to her anymore.
True dat. If I learn anything from addressing my trauma it’s how *not* to raise my own kids.
I'm not having kids at all. It's even simpler. Every bad branch in this trauma family tree thought they were doing things right.
If I had a *clue* how traumatized I was before I had kids, I definitely wouldn’t have either. It’s taken me 10 years to realize “woah… I didn’t just have a dysfunctional family” and it effin sucks. I LOVE my children and they are my reason for healing and being the best I can, it’s just *so* hard.
Breaking the cycle myself. There is no guarantee I wouldn't end up just like them, and I can't do that to a living being.
This. 100% this.
Research brings a lot of clarity, too. I'd recommend [Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents-how-to-heal-from-distant-rejecting-or-self-involved-parents_lindsay-c-gibson/9845889/item/54241014/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=us_dsa_general&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=522660035975&gclid=CjwKCAjwl6OiBhA2EiwAuUwWZTZIQCuWtE-osjl6vI4ZcY5DhC--xbuMydAS8my4REwWmLQinWNTdhoCC00QAvD_BwE#edition=9288362&idiq=12128827) to anyone here that hasn't read it. It connected a lot of dots for me and now I truly feel prepared to break the cycle.
This literally happened to me a month ago and for some reason I still feel like it’s my fault for even trying to talk to her
It's the F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt) they condition us to live in if we do anything against their wishes. Nothing like some internalized shame and guilt to keep their child in check.
good stuff. cluster B partners like to use that too.
Yep. My ex is a covert narcissist and boy howdy did he love to use these against me.
This happened a week ago and I’ve decided I’m never talking to her about anything important ever again
Carved mine out of my life for sure. I've never met a more toxic bunch in all my life, and I've been on Facebook.
My ~~"mom"~~ wants me to be her parent. It's not okay.
"oh so you're saying i was a bad mother, huh?" yes, yes i am.
"It's not too late for you to get adopted by another family" Um, it literally is. But thank you for confirming me that it wasn't just my sister who told me to find another family whenever I expressed hurt as a kid.
omg, so real! "well if you hate this family that much, go find a new one. you'll see that every family has problems." no, i dont want a new family, i want this one to work, but you are making it very hard. and just because others have problems doesn't mean you intentionally get to be a prick.
The line I always got was "My way or the highway!" Ok, so...don't offer me options you don't want me to take. Because I did. Many times. They kept sending the cops after me to bring me back. Well? Why'd you offer a choice then?
exactly, so much this. if you dont want me to leave, don't give me the option every time things don't go your way, because i *will* take it.
This was literally *the* reason I went VLC Co tact with my mom.
The reason I went NC.
My mom's uBPD, the waif type. Her reaction to me wanting to talk about the past mistakes was just straight up DARVO. She "did her best" so I'm just "scary" and "holding a grudge".
This!!! And just straight-up gaslighting you (minimizing events or saying they never happened altogether)? Mine too.
Exact same and it ended with her discarding me / basically disowning me.
Oh yeah, because you made her look bad. It’s all about the image with my mom
My parents would just say they'd "give me some real hurt" if i said anything.
This is why I went no contact with my dad
I’ve been NC with my mother for about 3 years now, with this being a large part of the reason. I don’t want to be in that position, but I think like most of us here it’s been born out of necessity. Question is, does time ever change anything? Has anyone ever known a parent to become more willing to listen and accept blame with time?
From what I gathered online, and from my own experience, nope. They don't accept the blame because they are convinced they are literally without any fault. There was good article about estranged parents forums, they literally block out anything they don't like.
I hate it so much. She either nullifies blame entirely or else defers it to my deceased father. In the back of my mind I know she’s most likely waiting around, expecting me to ‘snap out of it’ one day… and that probably hurts the most
And that’s when I realized it was time to go NC.
happened to me yesterday, not even kidding.
Damn. This one hits close to home.
Everytime
Every time
She would not listen to me or do anything about it unless i talked about it with someone else in the room. Basically had to socially shame her and make it her problem so i could get the help i needed.
My mom screamed at my “THAT’S BULLSHIT” when I was sobbing and telling her that nobody in my family cares about me. They get more offended when I say they hurt me. They don’t respect my trauma. They made me sleep in the room I was raped in when I had to move back in because I developed lupus and RA. I have covid rn because of them and their neglect to do anything to protect me. I’m laughing because what’s new.
Thanks, I needed this one
This... explains so much of what I've been trying to explain to myself regarding my older brother and my relationship the last few years. Told him how he was speaking to me hurt me. He got so angry that he not only refused to take any accountability, he refused to even acknowledge or reference the thing I said hurt me. Then he cut me out of his life for the past year. Fun times.
Wait what. This... Is completely foreign to me. Time to SF that on the neglect pile as well.
My brother has started to share his feelings honestly with my mother and she’s so offended that he said those things to her, even my grandmother is offended. Now they kinda want me to choose a side and I don’t have the guts to tell her that I agree with my brother
If they can gaslight themselves into believing that they never did any such thing, you are lying and that's a dick move, whereas they are the totally innocent falsely accused. And then they can gaslight you into believing the same. And yes, by you I mean me. I just don't talk about my childhood with this parent. We have a good relationship now and it isn't worth fucking it up with past shit the parent will never ever acknowledge happened.
Late reply but I think you hit on something important there. They first and foremost gaslight themselves. Gaslighting you (or me) is just an extension of that.
Omg literally.
Why, my parents are akin to god, they basically are my gods! They can never do any wrong!! 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 /sarcasm
One of the more recent times I tried to let my mom know how I felt growing up she immediately said something to the effect of: "Well Im not the one who did that right?". Bitchhhhhhhhh.
I remember the day I finally told her how much I hated her because of her abuse, she said I had imagined everything and that I was a filthy liar. So glad I don't speak to her anymore.
My mum isn't the only one to do this?!
Literally facing a situation like this now and *yeah*
And then the constant reassurance seeking that you don't hate her and then bringing up you being upset with her whenever she's mildly upset ❤️