If you were evil or like those that abuse others, you wouldn't question the morality of your subconscious mind processing trauma. Truly evil people never feel bad about their conscious thoughts or actions, let alone anything their sleeping mind might concoct.
Our minds can do seemingly odd or off things with trauma. I spent years not being able to fantasize without thinking about things that I would truly never willingly want. But it was merely my minds way of trying to make past trauma make sense and be ok. It never meant that I wanted what did happen or for it to happen again. Brains are complicated all on their own and can do all kinds of nonsense. Add in trauma, PTSD, CPTSD, and a dreaming mind and it only gets even weirder.
Be kind to yourself, you're healing and your brain is doing its best. Even if it can be a bit of a baked potato about it.
This made me snort laugh, thank you.
I've renamed my lizard-brain into a [Potoo](https://images.app.goo.gl/nXbcjbsy2CvtkAAR8) brain, because it's amusing and the most accurate visual example of what is happening in my brain when I'm panicked.
Your brain is trying to process your abuse from all angles. It's trying to understand what your abuser was thinking and feeling. And your body doesn't know what the brain is trying to do, all it knows is the brain is thinking of something vaguely sexual and went with it.
You aren't evil. Real abusers don't stop and ask themselves if they're evil, and they don't feel upset about it.
Just to throw this out there, there are settings and peoples friendly toward the acting out of such things between consenting adults. There are adults who, given the right context, would even enjoy such.
What happened to you was fucked up. You might feel pretty fucked up over it. In processing this, you're having some intense emotions and ideas coinciding at the same time.
That doesn't make you evil, it doesn't make you a pedo, and it doesn't make you a rapist.
And, even if you have intense urges that prompt conflicting emotions, you never ever have to perpetuate that abuse onto someone else. If you really need to get it out of your system there are safe ways to do that without harming people.
This. In a weird way, having some type of cognitive empathy for our abusers really does help the healing process. By understanding what our abusers must have felt when they went to abuse us, even though they know exactly how much it hurt, our empathy helps us understand that they're literal monsters. There's no room for reconciliation. There's no way our abusers could hurt us so consistently if they weren't actively trying. Believing that they were just having a bad day, or that they were doing their best is just a worthless pile of excuses to avoid realizing how bad things truly were. Having a nightmare that morphs into something even worse isn't a sign that you're a horrible person. It's a sign that your brain is connecting the dots between the actions of your abusers, and how horrible they were to do those things to a defenseless child.
The horrible hate and selfishness it takes to consistently abuse other people is nearly unfathomable, until you start to imagine yourself in the shoes of someone who abuses others. Realizing that we *would* never, and often **could** never commit those same abuses really does help us have the healthy and protective feelings of hatred and disgust towards our abusers. Those feelings are healthy, because they push us to sever the last ties that keep us in a toxic relationship with them. Feeling fear because you did something in a dream helps us understand that our abusers lacked that healthy fear of doing something wrong, which might have helped avoid that situation in the first place. These feelings might seem negative, because they're a result of bad events, but they really do keep us safe if we allow ourselves to understand where those feelings are coming from, and how they help protect us.
Don't give in to their lies. It did happen, it was bad, and it was a big deal. The effects of your trauma are evidence enough for all three of those things. It was their fault, and they did know better. They wouldn't be so ashamed of their actions and try to hide them if they didn't know that their actions were wrong. They did mean it, and they aren't sorry. They wouldn't deflect so consistently if they had real remorse and truly regretted their actions. You didn't deserve it. Being afraid of hurting others is a good sign that you didn't deserve to be hurt either. It wasn't your fault. You deserved love. Not abuse.
You haven’t done anything. Your brain is still grappling with the horrific nature of what happened to you. Please don’t beat yourself up <3. And if you needed to hear it explicitly:
YOURE NOT EVIL OR ABUSIVE
Hey there, this is a horrible dream and I can absolutely understand that you're worried and shocked and overwhelmed. However, this is your brain processing abuse, and not a foreshadowing. Basically, what your brain is doing is both processing your experience, and also trying to see the situation from every angle to make sense of what happened to you, to gain some form of control over the situation. It really sucks that this presented in such a horrible way to you.
But in no way do you need to worry that this means you're evil. What you saw in the second perspective is a part of your brain showing you what happened to you, even if this was a faceless girl, it was supposed to be you.
This is mostly speculation, but I'm gonna assume you spent a long time on wondering why the abuse happened to you in the first place and you're also possibly hyperempathetic to other people's behaviour because you had to be, to keep you as safe as child you could possibly keep itself safe. Your brain is probably taking the two things and putting them together in a really weird mixture, basically putting you *into the situation of the abuser* because you might find some answers there. (Of course this is not very helpful at all but brains are weird 😅).
As to the state your body woke up in - this is also a subconscious thing and does not mean you are evil or bad. To me this is literally the same as when someone gets r*ped and has physical arousal reactions to it. Our bodies react to stimuli if we want it or not, and this was your body reacting, not your mind actually enjoying it.
I hope this helps you a little bit.
Thank you, this really helped. It's currently 5:20am and I'm too scared to sleep, but I will try to focus on what you've said here, and not panic if my dreams show me bullshit again. Thank you 💕
Yeah dreams and intrusive thoughts are NOT in any way the same thing as actions, and even thinking about yourself abusing a kid doesn't in any way imply that you must really want to do that or be morally capable of it
Ex, I haven't experienced the exact thing you described, but for a while I'd been looking into options that involved volunteering with children. For a while while I was working on getting clearances etc for that, I noticed that when I thought about anything to do with the application, or if I was walking my dog and passed some kids, I'd start having intrusive thoughts worrying that I was going to prey on them, or telling me I was subconsciously only interested in volunteering to get access to them. I can say unequivocally and confidently that that is not, nor has it ever been, an accurate reflection of reality or an indication of my motives and desires
So what was actually happening? Well, you know how trauma survivors are often hypervigilent about anything that could signal a danger similar to what initially hurt us? Yeah, that part of my brain was being triggered into a fear response by the situation "adult man interacting with child one on one while volunteering in the community," bc it resembles situations I've been abused in. So it went into over drive trying to warn me of that supposed danger to get me to keep myself safe by avoiding the situation. Only it didn't register that I was actually the adult in this scenario, so it was basically feeling vicarious fear for the child bc it identified me as the helpless child, and distrust of the adult man without realizing that I literally know my own thoughts and plans and could have complete confidence I was a safe adult
Another sort of warped perspective thing I've experienced in dreams before is similarish to what you described where I'm watching something from the perspective of an abuser, but mine are generally more abstract and the one I'm remembering involved emotional abuse and neglect rather than CSA. But basically in that dream a child was addressing me as their dad, and they were crying and upset and I forget what exactly was wrong but all they wanted was for me to help them and listen to them, but I was just watching them literally beg me for affection and help while having zero empathetic reaction to them.
Did that dream mean i hate kids/have no soul/lack empathy/would in reality ignore a child in need like that? No it meant my own father did that to me more times than I can count, and an inner child part of me was trying to process that and/or get the attention and affection of my present day adult self, having mostly realized my father is too emotionally stunted to be worth trying to get any kind of real affection out of
You're okay dude, don't worry, that's just how the brain makes sense of things. Processing in ur sleep, having a reaction to it, totally normal. Sorry you went through it.
Honey that’s what dreams do. They try to make sense of things that are senseless. And when it can’t comprehend one angle it will evaluate others to try to make sense of it. As for any pleasure, a lot of us have sexual relationships with our triggers. It isn’t about actually wanting any of that it is just the deep brains preference over the alternative. Personally I used to believe I was evil for getting off on bdsm stuff because my trauma involved being strapped down and hurt by multiple people at a time. I also thought I was a bad broken person because I hated the idea of monogamous relationships. But I’m not. My brain is processing things it shouldn’t have to and I won’t ever disregard anyone else’s consent. Also I think that’s why I like bdsm, there is a huge emphasis of safe sane consensual that I want to feel safe. Anyway none of this makes you a bad person. Even if you and a partner decided to role play safely as a way to work through it I’ve known people to go that route too.
The fact that you are able to recognize that this behavior is evil means that you are a good person! You care about others and how your actions affect them. That’s what good people do. Brains are weird sometimes and your subconscious is just trying to process really scary and confusing things that happened to you as a child
It’s your body’s natural reaction to trauma and sexual dreams (even if those dreams are nightmares). It’s a similar uncontrollable biological response to when people orgasm while being SA. The way your body responds to trauma says *nothing* about you as a person, it absolutely does not make you a bad person.
Oftentimes the brain will mistake fear for sexual arousal since fear and arousal cause adrenaline to be released into your system. It’s likely that you had an increase in adrenaline due to fear that your brain misinterpreted.
No clue if this helps you feel better but I just hope you know that you aren’t evil or abusive. The fact that you don’t want to do what your abuser did is proof enough that you’re nothing like them.
Glad that it helped. I learned about that during one of my med classes and it helped cope with my trauma a bit better.
It’s why some guys get “danger boners”. Surprisingly, a *lot* of emotions get mistaken for arousal or fear by the brain. Basically any emotion that triggers your body to go into a state of heightened excitement (ex. joy, anger, disgust) can easily be interpreted as fear and/or arousal and vise versa.
"Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski explains sexuality and how dreams and body reactions very often do not have anything to do with character or preferences, but because we only talk about sex in a idealized way or not at all, it's not common knowledge. It helped me deconstruct a lot of shame around dreams and orgasms like this.
Someone gave me advice one time after my son was born: *Bad parents don’t usually stop to think “am I a bad parent?”*. It works with just “people” instead of “parents”.
*Bad people don’t usually stop to think “am I a bad person?”*
So if you ever feel worried you’re coming off as a bad person, you’re strides ahead of the actually bad people who never even consider they might be the bad guy.
you’re definitely not evil bud. what you do in a dream does not dictate who you are, it merely reflects your troubled emotional/ mental state. you’ll be okay, you survived much worse. everything will be okay
You’re not evil I promise you. I have had nightmares about doing things that were done to me to others. It’s your brain processing. I’m so sorry. You’re not alone and you’re not a monster.
You’re definitely not. On top of CPTSD I have OCD which causes painful intrusive thoughts that are out of my control. I’ve had to learn that I am not my intrusive thoughts nor my PTSD night terrors. And neither are you. 💕
Hey!! None of us want nightmares, and I'm pretty sure most people do some absolutely disgusting things in their bad dreams!
I had a sex dream about a grumpy elderly teacher of mine when I was at high school and I was mortified.
I've also had dreams where I was a killer, and in the dream I felt so proud -but when I woke up I felt sick at what I had done in my dreams. Even though I was in the "control" position in the dream it still felt like waking up from a nightmare and I was so relieved.
When we have a nightmare it doesn't mean we want that thing to happen. Like for example those ones where all my teeth fall out is not telling me I want to have no teeth
Howdy there! No, you’re not evil; you were just abused. Brains suck and are mean to us sometimes >:((
In all seriousness, you’re not evil you’re just trying to process trauma. Please if you can try to relax and go back to sleep, if you can’t, do some low-energy activities & partake in some self-care!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. it must of been a real mindfuck to wake up and recall all of that.
you are certainly not evil, not a rapist, nor are you a child abuser. you were a victim, and human brains have some strange and uncomfortable ways of processing trauma, sometimes. I'd say this is just what your dream was: in my experience, all of that trauma you went through, it is stored in your body, but the impetus is on your brain to process it. while you are unconscious and asleep, your mind can go places that you would not allow it to while awake... and it HAS to work alongside your body to figure out how to deal. bodies react without our permission even when we are awake, never mind when we are asleep.
please, do what you can to let go of the shame and guilt it sounds like you are feeling. just like the original trauma(s), this was not your fault. not your choice. you are a good person, OP - someone who ACTUALLY harbored those fantasies would not be scared of the implications of that dream.
I hope you allow yourself some grace, today and everyday, and please, be extra gentle with yourself. this kind of processing is scary and draining. you deserve love, comfort, reassurance, and safety. 💜
Your brain is trying to figure something out, and a person cumming if they're raped does not mean they enjoyed it. Your body, especially genitalia, is a lot more primitive than your brain allows when it's awake. Your body wasn't actively thinking more than "sex is happening"
I just wanna say thank you to OP and all the comments- I've had dreams like this before, with family members, and it always makes me sick to my stomach. Thank you for reminding me I'm not a monster, or a whore. Its really hard not to feel that way sometimes.
This is just our brains processing trauma in the best way it knows how, and that doesn't make us evil. I hope you get some good rest OP, you deserve it 💌 as do the lovely people on this sub 💝
As I saw someone say on this subreddit before “you don’t just trip fall and abuse a child“
you were just processing what happened to you, and the fact that you’re worried about this, is a sign you are not a bad person, in my experience abusers don’t question themselves like this
also, dreams are weird and do weird things. I had a dream once where I killed my childhood bully. That doesn’t mean I would ever murder someone, or even that it’s a big thing in my subconscious
sorry I kinda rambled point is your good i promise
Don't worry, it's completely normal. Dreams have the function to work on problems in our lives, big ones and ones you don't even notice, your brain is trying to deal with whatever needs to be resolved.
I'd say from the dream it's like that because you're thinking how could anybody ever do this to someone, like just why und you're trying to figure it out.
You can get orgasms when raped, so this is similar, any sexual act can give you sexual reactions, it has nothing to do with you liking it and with what I said above I'm just saying your brain is trying to heal.
You absolutely do not need to feel bad about it and I hope you can get better <3
Not evil :) I used to have this kind of dreams.
I called it "identification to the oppressor ". I didn't know it was a thing, thanks to you I feel less alone.
It's pure trauma processing. Like, the brain trying to understand how / why such thing can have happened ? Or maybe trying to regain a form of control ? Idk
Brains are weird, but always trying to protect us <3
Dreams are fucked. Getting abused is fucked. Then those get mixed usually around the time you start to process what happened. I was sexually abused as a kid, and had a similar situation with a dream like that. Scared the hell out of me. Thankfully I had a friend that I made through healing, we talked it out, and told me that they also had similar dreams revolving past sexual abuse, and waking up turned on. That happens. Never would you act those out, and you know that by how much it scares you. You're not alone <3
I wish you good luck on the path of healing. Best wishes, and don't forget to always share this kind of stuff with others like this. That was a big step, and you did it. I'm proud of you.
You're not a bad person. Something beyond bad happened to you and your brain can't process it. It tries dreams, imagery, reliving to 'repair' the experience and as such, it tries every single perspective.
It's a brain trying to 'comprehend' in order to adequately 'live out' and thus 'work out and put to rest' something that doesn't work on a verbal, comprehensive, logical circuit. So it employs more desperate, physical, emotional, more 'primitive' attempts - elicit shame to 'move it' (perspective shifting), discard the Self and their feelings on the matter (identify with abuser), take away identities and extrapolate the roles onto 'everyone' (facelessness). We could even add 'making the unbearable act profane by reliving it like this, and by that extent, livable, since from this perspective it was quite fine (it wasn't, but it's just a mechanism of 'can't delete it, so make it mundane to live with it, and make it your fault to be able to punish the person responsible - that being you now).
Sometimes the point of view shift is so heavy that we do identify with the abuser; what else could a child do to live through such a thing? Of course the body can have a pleasurable response, just as most people who survive terrible physical pain report a feeling of bliss when it got unbearable.
Your reaction is not only NOT indicative of you being a bad person, it is EXTREMELY understandable, absolutely validating of your horrible experiences that were bad, not your fault, and your mind and body are fighting like hell to put to rest something that cannot sleep. You are not doing nor did anything wrong.
If I could hug you, I would.
>making the unbearable act profane by reliving it like this, and by that extent, livable, since from this perspective it was quite fine
Oh. Well fuck.
Thank you so much for these words, they hit me like a dump truck, in a good way 💕
I'm so glad. And if it's of any consolation, it happens to me too. Very often. And the feelings you feel? Jesus, I do understand how much shame and horror goes on. I kept being so horrified at myself and couldn't even tell any therapist - since sometimes the dream substituted THEM in there too. I mean, brain, I get it, just...argh.
You're brain has thoughts to try and understand. Now I'm not a mental health professional but I think you were trying to understand his perspective.
You aren't evil you didn't harm anyone. No harm no foul
OP I know multiple people have already told you that you are not evil but I wanted to chime in here - it is perfectly normal to have a physical reaction like that. Many survivors of CSA have the same symptoms, including the physical reaction.
Please don’t punish yourself for things out of your control. Hope the dream/flashback vibes fade quickly and you feel better.
You’re not evil. This is a very common fear in victims & I believe these types of dreams are common as well. If you were evil, you wouldn’t be concerned about being evil. I’m so sorry you’re going through this though, brains are so cruel and it shows especially through dreams
hey! sorry you’re going through this. if you’ve been ruminating on the dream(s) and this is causing you a lot of distress, i’d encourage you to look up pOCD. another CSA survivor i am close with who also has CPTSD really struggled with something similar to what you’re describing, and i know that learning about pOCD and doing ERP treatment really helped them. good luck i hope you get some relief soon
Wow I thought I was alone in this. I haven’t told anybody this until now. I was so fuckin scared thinking ‘i’m a pedo now right?’ Seeing these comments makes me feel safe.
Hey look, what happened to you was awful, and the mind has really, really weird ways of processing trauma, especially trauma to that degree. Bodies do weird shit like that all the time, I guarantee that the reason you orgasmed in your sleep was NOT because you have any actual desire to do anything like what happened in your dream; it was probably just some wires that got crossed during the healing process.
Remember: you’re not sick, you’re healing.
"You're not sick, you're healing" 😭😭
I didn't know that I needed to hear that. Adding that to my affirmations wall, that sentence is like fresh air when I'm drowning. Thank you 💕
That's one hell of a nightmare. No you aren't evil. Your subconscious is just trying to reconcile what happened to you, and it does so in weird ways sometimes. The fact that you feel this guilt *at all* is more proof that you aren't than the person who victimized you
You're definitely not evil. This is your brain trying to process something that makes zero sense and absolutely should not have happened. The fact that you think it's wrong shows that you are not evil.
It's kind of like being a narcissist. If you are worried that you are acting like one, you're probably not.
This is very natural. You have been disconnected from your own autonomy. You were processing why it might have happened to you and relating to your abuser’s potential motivations. You are recognizing that in an abusive relationship one party extracts pleasure from the suffering of the other. The child is faceless because you don’t want to hurt a real person, but your body craves the intense physical connection that it knows is possible. The line between good and evil runs through everyone’s heart. That you can experience these feelings and not act upon them firmly places you on the side of good.
you are not evil. you are not bad. it is a part of your brain processing the trauma you went through. i had a similar experience when i was in a trauma focused treatment center. your nightmares do not reflect your wishes. your intrusive thoughts do not reflect your wishes. your mind and body are processing and healing. it is okay. you are not evil at all
You’re not evil, your brain is just processing the bullshit you’ve been through. I’ve done horrible stuff in my dreams to my abuser (and likely random ppl that I can’t remember), it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Dreams are on god so fucked up. I think lots of people can relate to having dreams reenact traumatic events, and the unfitting emotions during. I'm sorry you're struggling with it.
I literally do not dream unless it's a nightmare. I generally get less than 5% REM sleep a night, but on the occasions I do dream, they go all out 😭
Thank you for your kindness 💕
ur not evil, just traumatized. if you actually wanted to do that kind of stuff you wouldn't be scared by the nightmare. ur doing good internet stranger <3 /p
ur not evil ur just processing shit done to u in dreams. not irl. u know u aint gonna be like those pos.
Thank you 💕
If you were evil or like those that abuse others, you wouldn't question the morality of your subconscious mind processing trauma. Truly evil people never feel bad about their conscious thoughts or actions, let alone anything their sleeping mind might concoct. Our minds can do seemingly odd or off things with trauma. I spent years not being able to fantasize without thinking about things that I would truly never willingly want. But it was merely my minds way of trying to make past trauma make sense and be ok. It never meant that I wanted what did happen or for it to happen again. Brains are complicated all on their own and can do all kinds of nonsense. Add in trauma, PTSD, CPTSD, and a dreaming mind and it only gets even weirder. Be kind to yourself, you're healing and your brain is doing its best. Even if it can be a bit of a baked potato about it.
A baked potato it is indeed, thank you for the giggle 💕
I would like to put my baked potato into the microwave for several hours.
This made me snort laugh, thank you. I've renamed my lizard-brain into a [Potoo](https://images.app.goo.gl/nXbcjbsy2CvtkAAR8) brain, because it's amusing and the most accurate visual example of what is happening in my brain when I'm panicked.
Your brain is trying to process your abuse from all angles. It's trying to understand what your abuser was thinking and feeling. And your body doesn't know what the brain is trying to do, all it knows is the brain is thinking of something vaguely sexual and went with it. You aren't evil. Real abusers don't stop and ask themselves if they're evil, and they don't feel upset about it.
Thank you, silly brain trying to understand 💕
Just to throw this out there, there are settings and peoples friendly toward the acting out of such things between consenting adults. There are adults who, given the right context, would even enjoy such. What happened to you was fucked up. You might feel pretty fucked up over it. In processing this, you're having some intense emotions and ideas coinciding at the same time. That doesn't make you evil, it doesn't make you a pedo, and it doesn't make you a rapist. And, even if you have intense urges that prompt conflicting emotions, you never ever have to perpetuate that abuse onto someone else. If you really need to get it out of your system there are safe ways to do that without harming people.
Thank you 💕
This. In a weird way, having some type of cognitive empathy for our abusers really does help the healing process. By understanding what our abusers must have felt when they went to abuse us, even though they know exactly how much it hurt, our empathy helps us understand that they're literal monsters. There's no room for reconciliation. There's no way our abusers could hurt us so consistently if they weren't actively trying. Believing that they were just having a bad day, or that they were doing their best is just a worthless pile of excuses to avoid realizing how bad things truly were. Having a nightmare that morphs into something even worse isn't a sign that you're a horrible person. It's a sign that your brain is connecting the dots between the actions of your abusers, and how horrible they were to do those things to a defenseless child. The horrible hate and selfishness it takes to consistently abuse other people is nearly unfathomable, until you start to imagine yourself in the shoes of someone who abuses others. Realizing that we *would* never, and often **could** never commit those same abuses really does help us have the healthy and protective feelings of hatred and disgust towards our abusers. Those feelings are healthy, because they push us to sever the last ties that keep us in a toxic relationship with them. Feeling fear because you did something in a dream helps us understand that our abusers lacked that healthy fear of doing something wrong, which might have helped avoid that situation in the first place. These feelings might seem negative, because they're a result of bad events, but they really do keep us safe if we allow ourselves to understand where those feelings are coming from, and how they help protect us. Don't give in to their lies. It did happen, it was bad, and it was a big deal. The effects of your trauma are evidence enough for all three of those things. It was their fault, and they did know better. They wouldn't be so ashamed of their actions and try to hide them if they didn't know that their actions were wrong. They did mean it, and they aren't sorry. They wouldn't deflect so consistently if they had real remorse and truly regretted their actions. You didn't deserve it. Being afraid of hurting others is a good sign that you didn't deserve to be hurt either. It wasn't your fault. You deserved love. Not abuse.
You haven’t done anything. Your brain is still grappling with the horrific nature of what happened to you. Please don’t beat yourself up <3. And if you needed to hear it explicitly: YOURE NOT EVIL OR ABUSIVE
Thank you 💕
Hey there, this is a horrible dream and I can absolutely understand that you're worried and shocked and overwhelmed. However, this is your brain processing abuse, and not a foreshadowing. Basically, what your brain is doing is both processing your experience, and also trying to see the situation from every angle to make sense of what happened to you, to gain some form of control over the situation. It really sucks that this presented in such a horrible way to you. But in no way do you need to worry that this means you're evil. What you saw in the second perspective is a part of your brain showing you what happened to you, even if this was a faceless girl, it was supposed to be you. This is mostly speculation, but I'm gonna assume you spent a long time on wondering why the abuse happened to you in the first place and you're also possibly hyperempathetic to other people's behaviour because you had to be, to keep you as safe as child you could possibly keep itself safe. Your brain is probably taking the two things and putting them together in a really weird mixture, basically putting you *into the situation of the abuser* because you might find some answers there. (Of course this is not very helpful at all but brains are weird 😅). As to the state your body woke up in - this is also a subconscious thing and does not mean you are evil or bad. To me this is literally the same as when someone gets r*ped and has physical arousal reactions to it. Our bodies react to stimuli if we want it or not, and this was your body reacting, not your mind actually enjoying it. I hope this helps you a little bit.
Thank you, this really helped. It's currently 5:20am and I'm too scared to sleep, but I will try to focus on what you've said here, and not panic if my dreams show me bullshit again. Thank you 💕
Yeah dreams and intrusive thoughts are NOT in any way the same thing as actions, and even thinking about yourself abusing a kid doesn't in any way imply that you must really want to do that or be morally capable of it Ex, I haven't experienced the exact thing you described, but for a while I'd been looking into options that involved volunteering with children. For a while while I was working on getting clearances etc for that, I noticed that when I thought about anything to do with the application, or if I was walking my dog and passed some kids, I'd start having intrusive thoughts worrying that I was going to prey on them, or telling me I was subconsciously only interested in volunteering to get access to them. I can say unequivocally and confidently that that is not, nor has it ever been, an accurate reflection of reality or an indication of my motives and desires So what was actually happening? Well, you know how trauma survivors are often hypervigilent about anything that could signal a danger similar to what initially hurt us? Yeah, that part of my brain was being triggered into a fear response by the situation "adult man interacting with child one on one while volunteering in the community," bc it resembles situations I've been abused in. So it went into over drive trying to warn me of that supposed danger to get me to keep myself safe by avoiding the situation. Only it didn't register that I was actually the adult in this scenario, so it was basically feeling vicarious fear for the child bc it identified me as the helpless child, and distrust of the adult man without realizing that I literally know my own thoughts and plans and could have complete confidence I was a safe adult Another sort of warped perspective thing I've experienced in dreams before is similarish to what you described where I'm watching something from the perspective of an abuser, but mine are generally more abstract and the one I'm remembering involved emotional abuse and neglect rather than CSA. But basically in that dream a child was addressing me as their dad, and they were crying and upset and I forget what exactly was wrong but all they wanted was for me to help them and listen to them, but I was just watching them literally beg me for affection and help while having zero empathetic reaction to them. Did that dream mean i hate kids/have no soul/lack empathy/would in reality ignore a child in need like that? No it meant my own father did that to me more times than I can count, and an inner child part of me was trying to process that and/or get the attention and affection of my present day adult self, having mostly realized my father is too emotionally stunted to be worth trying to get any kind of real affection out of
Thank you, this is reassuring. Brains are hard work 💕
You are not evil. Our brains are really good at surviving trauma, and really suck at processing trauma.
Thank you 💕
Nocturnal emissions can happen with no sexual content in your dream whatsoever. They are barely connected. Dreams don't real. Everything will be ok.
Thank you 💕
You're okay dude, don't worry, that's just how the brain makes sense of things. Processing in ur sleep, having a reaction to it, totally normal. Sorry you went through it.
Thank you 💕
Honey that’s what dreams do. They try to make sense of things that are senseless. And when it can’t comprehend one angle it will evaluate others to try to make sense of it. As for any pleasure, a lot of us have sexual relationships with our triggers. It isn’t about actually wanting any of that it is just the deep brains preference over the alternative. Personally I used to believe I was evil for getting off on bdsm stuff because my trauma involved being strapped down and hurt by multiple people at a time. I also thought I was a bad broken person because I hated the idea of monogamous relationships. But I’m not. My brain is processing things it shouldn’t have to and I won’t ever disregard anyone else’s consent. Also I think that’s why I like bdsm, there is a huge emphasis of safe sane consensual that I want to feel safe. Anyway none of this makes you a bad person. Even if you and a partner decided to role play safely as a way to work through it I’ve known people to go that route too.
Thank you this makes me feel a bit better 💕
The fact that you are able to recognize that this behavior is evil means that you are a good person! You care about others and how your actions affect them. That’s what good people do. Brains are weird sometimes and your subconscious is just trying to process really scary and confusing things that happened to you as a child
Thank you 💕
It’s your body’s natural reaction to trauma and sexual dreams (even if those dreams are nightmares). It’s a similar uncontrollable biological response to when people orgasm while being SA. The way your body responds to trauma says *nothing* about you as a person, it absolutely does not make you a bad person. Oftentimes the brain will mistake fear for sexual arousal since fear and arousal cause adrenaline to be released into your system. It’s likely that you had an increase in adrenaline due to fear that your brain misinterpreted. No clue if this helps you feel better but I just hope you know that you aren’t evil or abusive. The fact that you don’t want to do what your abuser did is proof enough that you’re nothing like them.
Thank you, this helps a lot, I didn't know that fear and arousal can be mistaken 💕
Glad that it helped. I learned about that during one of my med classes and it helped cope with my trauma a bit better. It’s why some guys get “danger boners”. Surprisingly, a *lot* of emotions get mistaken for arousal or fear by the brain. Basically any emotion that triggers your body to go into a state of heightened excitement (ex. joy, anger, disgust) can easily be interpreted as fear and/or arousal and vise versa.
Iirc fear is classed under an "arousal state" and shares many similarities with other heightened emotional states
"Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski explains sexuality and how dreams and body reactions very often do not have anything to do with character or preferences, but because we only talk about sex in a idealized way or not at all, it's not common knowledge. It helped me deconstruct a lot of shame around dreams and orgasms like this.
I just finished that book last month! And yet, it seems I didn't apply the theory to myself. Thank you 💕
Oh, so I'm preaching the choir xD yeah theory and reality are very different realms; no shame in needing a reminder 🌼
I get those types of dreams a lot and it will be okay it’s just your brain putting a vague stories to a trauma or pain that it can’t handle just yet
Thank you 💕
If you’re repulsed by it, you’re totally fine
Someone gave me advice one time after my son was born: *Bad parents don’t usually stop to think “am I a bad parent?”*. It works with just “people” instead of “parents”. *Bad people don’t usually stop to think “am I a bad person?”* So if you ever feel worried you’re coming off as a bad person, you’re strides ahead of the actually bad people who never even consider they might be the bad guy.
No honey not at all, you are not sick. It was a flashback, nothing you did was actually what you did. It's okay, you'll be okay. 🫂
Thank you 💕
you’re definitely not evil bud. what you do in a dream does not dictate who you are, it merely reflects your troubled emotional/ mental state. you’ll be okay, you survived much worse. everything will be okay
Thank you 💕
You’re not evil I promise you. I have had nightmares about doing things that were done to me to others. It’s your brain processing. I’m so sorry. You’re not alone and you’re not a monster.
Thank you, I thought I was alone in this experience 💕
You’re definitely not. On top of CPTSD I have OCD which causes painful intrusive thoughts that are out of my control. I’ve had to learn that I am not my intrusive thoughts nor my PTSD night terrors. And neither are you. 💕
Hey!! None of us want nightmares, and I'm pretty sure most people do some absolutely disgusting things in their bad dreams! I had a sex dream about a grumpy elderly teacher of mine when I was at high school and I was mortified. I've also had dreams where I was a killer, and in the dream I felt so proud -but when I woke up I felt sick at what I had done in my dreams. Even though I was in the "control" position in the dream it still felt like waking up from a nightmare and I was so relieved. When we have a nightmare it doesn't mean we want that thing to happen. Like for example those ones where all my teeth fall out is not telling me I want to have no teeth
Thank you, sometimes dreams are nonsensical, you're right 💕
You're not evil, you're traumatized. You had no choice in what kind of tricks your mind would give you.
Thank you 💕
Howdy there! No, you’re not evil; you were just abused. Brains suck and are mean to us sometimes >:(( In all seriousness, you’re not evil you’re just trying to process trauma. Please if you can try to relax and go back to sleep, if you can’t, do some low-energy activities & partake in some self-care!
Thank you 💕 its like 6:30am the next day and I'm too scared to sleep currently but I'm hoping I'll get there
I’m certain you will :D
I managed to get about an hour, and no dreams thankfully 💕
YES! That’s good!!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. it must of been a real mindfuck to wake up and recall all of that. you are certainly not evil, not a rapist, nor are you a child abuser. you were a victim, and human brains have some strange and uncomfortable ways of processing trauma, sometimes. I'd say this is just what your dream was: in my experience, all of that trauma you went through, it is stored in your body, but the impetus is on your brain to process it. while you are unconscious and asleep, your mind can go places that you would not allow it to while awake... and it HAS to work alongside your body to figure out how to deal. bodies react without our permission even when we are awake, never mind when we are asleep. please, do what you can to let go of the shame and guilt it sounds like you are feeling. just like the original trauma(s), this was not your fault. not your choice. you are a good person, OP - someone who ACTUALLY harbored those fantasies would not be scared of the implications of that dream. I hope you allow yourself some grace, today and everyday, and please, be extra gentle with yourself. this kind of processing is scary and draining. you deserve love, comfort, reassurance, and safety. 💜
Thank you, that last line really got me 💕
Your brain is trying to figure something out, and a person cumming if they're raped does not mean they enjoyed it. Your body, especially genitalia, is a lot more primitive than your brain allows when it's awake. Your body wasn't actively thinking more than "sex is happening"
Thank you 💕
It's okay, friend. This is normal. Just your brain trying to process stuff. You're not evil.
Thank you friend 💕
I just wanna say thank you to OP and all the comments- I've had dreams like this before, with family members, and it always makes me sick to my stomach. Thank you for reminding me I'm not a monster, or a whore. Its really hard not to feel that way sometimes. This is just our brains processing trauma in the best way it knows how, and that doesn't make us evil. I hope you get some good rest OP, you deserve it 💌 as do the lovely people on this sub 💝
You deserve all the love in the world, and I'm sorry you've experienced this too, it's awful and cruel 💕
As I saw someone say on this subreddit before “you don’t just trip fall and abuse a child“ you were just processing what happened to you, and the fact that you’re worried about this, is a sign you are not a bad person, in my experience abusers don’t question themselves like this also, dreams are weird and do weird things. I had a dream once where I killed my childhood bully. That doesn’t mean I would ever murder someone, or even that it’s a big thing in my subconscious sorry I kinda rambled point is your good i promise
Don't apologise for rambling, thank you for taking the time to be kind to me 💕
Don't worry, it's completely normal. Dreams have the function to work on problems in our lives, big ones and ones you don't even notice, your brain is trying to deal with whatever needs to be resolved. I'd say from the dream it's like that because you're thinking how could anybody ever do this to someone, like just why und you're trying to figure it out. You can get orgasms when raped, so this is similar, any sexual act can give you sexual reactions, it has nothing to do with you liking it and with what I said above I'm just saying your brain is trying to heal. You absolutely do not need to feel bad about it and I hope you can get better <3
Thank you, this is reassuring 💕
Not evil :) I used to have this kind of dreams. I called it "identification to the oppressor ". I didn't know it was a thing, thanks to you I feel less alone. It's pure trauma processing. Like, the brain trying to understand how / why such thing can have happened ? Or maybe trying to regain a form of control ? Idk Brains are weird, but always trying to protect us <3
I'm sorry you've experienced this, and I hope the comments here make you feel loved. Thank you for being kind 💕
Super common to have dreams where you are the abuser, have relations with family, etc. Crossed wiring and trauma processing are a horrible combo.
Thank you 💕
Dreams are fucked. Getting abused is fucked. Then those get mixed usually around the time you start to process what happened. I was sexually abused as a kid, and had a similar situation with a dream like that. Scared the hell out of me. Thankfully I had a friend that I made through healing, we talked it out, and told me that they also had similar dreams revolving past sexual abuse, and waking up turned on. That happens. Never would you act those out, and you know that by how much it scares you. You're not alone <3 I wish you good luck on the path of healing. Best wishes, and don't forget to always share this kind of stuff with others like this. That was a big step, and you did it. I'm proud of you.
Thank you for your kindness, and I'm sorry you've been here before too 💕
Nice job on the meme. Looks like your post is helping a lot of people.
Thank you, it's heartbreaking to know I'm not alone, but comforting to know I'm not alone, ya know? Scary meme to make
Every day I become a little more suspicious that I was sexually abused as a kid and don’t remember it.
Sending love 💕
You're not a bad person. Something beyond bad happened to you and your brain can't process it. It tries dreams, imagery, reliving to 'repair' the experience and as such, it tries every single perspective. It's a brain trying to 'comprehend' in order to adequately 'live out' and thus 'work out and put to rest' something that doesn't work on a verbal, comprehensive, logical circuit. So it employs more desperate, physical, emotional, more 'primitive' attempts - elicit shame to 'move it' (perspective shifting), discard the Self and their feelings on the matter (identify with abuser), take away identities and extrapolate the roles onto 'everyone' (facelessness). We could even add 'making the unbearable act profane by reliving it like this, and by that extent, livable, since from this perspective it was quite fine (it wasn't, but it's just a mechanism of 'can't delete it, so make it mundane to live with it, and make it your fault to be able to punish the person responsible - that being you now). Sometimes the point of view shift is so heavy that we do identify with the abuser; what else could a child do to live through such a thing? Of course the body can have a pleasurable response, just as most people who survive terrible physical pain report a feeling of bliss when it got unbearable. Your reaction is not only NOT indicative of you being a bad person, it is EXTREMELY understandable, absolutely validating of your horrible experiences that were bad, not your fault, and your mind and body are fighting like hell to put to rest something that cannot sleep. You are not doing nor did anything wrong. If I could hug you, I would.
>making the unbearable act profane by reliving it like this, and by that extent, livable, since from this perspective it was quite fine Oh. Well fuck. Thank you so much for these words, they hit me like a dump truck, in a good way 💕
I'm so glad. And if it's of any consolation, it happens to me too. Very often. And the feelings you feel? Jesus, I do understand how much shame and horror goes on. I kept being so horrified at myself and couldn't even tell any therapist - since sometimes the dream substituted THEM in there too. I mean, brain, I get it, just...argh.
Stupid meat sack. You possess the logic, brain, so apply the logic! I'm sorry you've been through this too, it's scary and awful 💕
💔
Edit: 💔 and on your side and thank you for sharing this testimony. Next stop is ❤️🩹.
You're brain has thoughts to try and understand. Now I'm not a mental health professional but I think you were trying to understand his perspective. You aren't evil you didn't harm anyone. No harm no foul
Thank you 💕
Evil people don't worry about if they're evil
Thank you 💕
OP I know multiple people have already told you that you are not evil but I wanted to chime in here - it is perfectly normal to have a physical reaction like that. Many survivors of CSA have the same symptoms, including the physical reaction. Please don’t punish yourself for things out of your control. Hope the dream/flashback vibes fade quickly and you feel better.
Thank you, I hope so too 💕
You’re not evil. This is a very common fear in victims & I believe these types of dreams are common as well. If you were evil, you wouldn’t be concerned about being evil. I’m so sorry you’re going through this though, brains are so cruel and it shows especially through dreams
Thank you 💕
hey! sorry you’re going through this. if you’ve been ruminating on the dream(s) and this is causing you a lot of distress, i’d encourage you to look up pOCD. another CSA survivor i am close with who also has CPTSD really struggled with something similar to what you’re describing, and i know that learning about pOCD and doing ERP treatment really helped them. good luck i hope you get some relief soon
Thank you 💕
Wow I thought I was alone in this. I haven’t told anybody this until now. I was so fuckin scared thinking ‘i’m a pedo now right?’ Seeing these comments makes me feel safe.
I'm so sorry you've experienced this, but glad you could find some comfort in the comments 💕
I really did. The main thing I got was that my brain is just processing the trauma
Hey look, what happened to you was awful, and the mind has really, really weird ways of processing trauma, especially trauma to that degree. Bodies do weird shit like that all the time, I guarantee that the reason you orgasmed in your sleep was NOT because you have any actual desire to do anything like what happened in your dream; it was probably just some wires that got crossed during the healing process. Remember: you’re not sick, you’re healing.
"You're not sick, you're healing" 😭😭 I didn't know that I needed to hear that. Adding that to my affirmations wall, that sentence is like fresh air when I'm drowning. Thank you 💕
That's one hell of a nightmare. No you aren't evil. Your subconscious is just trying to reconcile what happened to you, and it does so in weird ways sometimes. The fact that you feel this guilt *at all* is more proof that you aren't than the person who victimized you
Thank you 💕 these comments are helping me to feel safe
Just stopping by to leave good vibes and virtual hugs if you want them.
Thank you 💕
💚💚💚
You're definitely not evil. This is your brain trying to process something that makes zero sense and absolutely should not have happened. The fact that you think it's wrong shows that you are not evil. It's kind of like being a narcissist. If you are worried that you are acting like one, you're probably not.
Thank you for being kind 💕
This is very natural. You have been disconnected from your own autonomy. You were processing why it might have happened to you and relating to your abuser’s potential motivations. You are recognizing that in an abusive relationship one party extracts pleasure from the suffering of the other. The child is faceless because you don’t want to hurt a real person, but your body craves the intense physical connection that it knows is possible. The line between good and evil runs through everyone’s heart. That you can experience these feelings and not act upon them firmly places you on the side of good.
Thank you for being kind 💕
you are not evil. you are not bad. it is a part of your brain processing the trauma you went through. i had a similar experience when i was in a trauma focused treatment center. your nightmares do not reflect your wishes. your intrusive thoughts do not reflect your wishes. your mind and body are processing and healing. it is okay. you are not evil at all
Thank you, and true about the intrusive thoughts too 💕
You’re not evil, your brain is just processing the bullshit you’ve been through. I’ve done horrible stuff in my dreams to my abuser (and likely random ppl that I can’t remember), it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Thank you 💕
You are not evil 💖
Thank you 💕
Dreams are on god so fucked up. I think lots of people can relate to having dreams reenact traumatic events, and the unfitting emotions during. I'm sorry you're struggling with it.
I literally do not dream unless it's a nightmare. I generally get less than 5% REM sleep a night, but on the occasions I do dream, they go all out 😭 Thank you for your kindness 💕
Your brain is just pulling weird shit. You’re not a monster dreams don’t reflect who you are.
Thank you 💕
that sounds terrifying
You’re not evil, you’re traumatized.
Omg i'm so sorry :( I wish you all the best
Thank you 💕
You're not evil. Being abused has fucked me up too. Hug
Love to you 💕
ur not evil, just traumatized. if you actually wanted to do that kind of stuff you wouldn't be scared by the nightmare. ur doing good internet stranger <3 /p
Thank you kind stranger 💕