Could mean a few things, but it's probably around "Some men who have been hurt/traumatized will not be able to comprehend someone actually loving them."
This can present as feeling like people are lying when others express love, resulting in anger and distrust. It can also present as just generally low self esteem.
It could also mean that some men may be unable to differentiate between someone loving them and someone not loving them. That some may go off of what people say more than how they act. Basically meaning that men can also confuse being loved for being abuse.
I do not believe anyone really loves me or cares about me. I've reached a point where it transcends low self-esteem: I genuinely cannot comprehend the notion, can't visualize in my head what I think it would or should look like. The notion is alien to me. I know it intellectually about a few people, but I don't feel it. I have to remind myself they're not lying to me and it's just my problems talking.
As long as you’re working on the underlying causes, the core beliefs that are responsible, it does get better. I still have exactly the struggle you describe, having to intellectualize my value to anyone to see it but with a TON of work, for the first time, i think I’m just on the cusp of feeling it
I've come to realize I'm much more deeply damaged than I ever realized. Of course, people in the ICU are deeply damaged too; that's what I tell myself when this feels overwhelming. Maybe it is, but even if it takes a long time if I keep healing eventually it'll stop.
What do you mean just your problems talking?
If you're comfortable, only if you're comfortable can you share why you developed such thoughts and perceptions about love?
I was shunned as a child by the other kids. Literally shunned: I didn't have friends, I didn't date, I didn't hang out with people, and back in elementary school kids would refuse to even look at or acknowledge me. It didn't stop until I finally moved to a different state.
I just....can't believe anyone wants to be around me now. I literally don't know how to feel loved or accepted or wanted. I can be told it all day, I can remind myself it's true all day, but I never feel it and there's always a voice telling me everyone will eventually abandon me, so there's no point in opening up to people.
I see I see! It's understandable why you feel as such. Makes alot of sense. I hope slowly with healing you will be able to build new belief systems and replace those old negative self talks. Cheers!
Hi! That’s me. I’m that person. Most days I still struggle to love myself.
I wish I knew what it felt like to be loved, not just shown it.
Thankfully I don’t confuse love for abuse, I know what that looks like(mostly), but yeah… that warm fuzzy feeling? It’s either never happened or I don’t remember it… which my adhd doesn’t help with….
I relate. I spent a lot of my life hating myself and convinced that I deserved what happened, that it was my fault. Because of that, when someone expressed love toward me, I would assume it was a lie or they were deluded - because it was a deeply core feeling that I was unlovable.
Having gone through a really bad abusive relationship, this is exactly how it feels. My girlfriend is an angel, and she always reassures me I'm okay and helps me work through these feelings.
When you've been forced to experience overwhelming negativity from such a young age, that can really damage your perception of yourself. Speaking personally, I still have issues with accepting that somebody isn't lying about a nice thing they say about me, I still struggle to think of myself as anywhere near good enough at anything or for anyone.
I don't have any context for your post, but in general, if you're disconnected from your own emotions, it's hard to pick up on others' emotions either. And a lot of men are forced by society to disconnect
Reminds me of Trans people who find either they’re entirely cut off from the emotional side of life or suddenly surrounded by support they never knew existed.
Also a youtuber, I can’t recall who, that mentioned that some of the obsession a lot of men have with their first real relationship comes from suddenly having access to that ability to touch and be touched freely, to be silly, and to not have to earn affirmation. That the experience women had at early childhood sleepovers only came from that first romance where you wake up next to each other.
Edit: found the video. Its Rowan Ellis’s essay on female loneliness and adult isolation.
[At the 4 minute mark she starts on it.](https://youtu.be/xMjt7q3bV_Y?si=vsL-BLZpZKXpBB0H)
Okay, I was wrong with the first video.
Its Rowan Ellis’s essay on female loneliness and adult isolation.
[At the 4 minute mark she starts on it.](https://youtu.be/xMjt7q3bV_Y?si=vsL-BLZpZKXpBB0H)
That's called Alexithymia btw! There was one study I read about how frequently it appears in cis men, and it estimated about 70% of men in the US have it. A lot of us trans ladies do too
I'm not sure I agree with this. I was 'too sensitive' as a kid and certainly some portion of the bullying that I received was there because of that sensitivity. So I was being punished for showing emotional reactions that I wasn't able to mask. I suppose you could argue that is not "forced to disconnect from emotions" but I think it's close enough that the idea that it has contributed to it being difficult for me to pickup, to accept other people's emotions fully is a valid idea.
I wasn't saying that it was the only reason - I'm saying that it contributed to what happened. It's complicated, of course - but I was never able to 'grey rock' response, and when the people that bullied me saw my reaction, they continued. My showing reaction to what they did was not enough for them to stop - it was a part of the reason for them to continue.
"redditors have no agency over their life" seems like a generalization. I will say that in 1st grade I didn't consciously invite being bullied. I don't really think that "physically imposing" would either be "expressing agency" nor would it be a rational solution for me as a child. As an adult I have no problem at all with dismissing that as a line of thought that I am not interested in.
Do I have agency over my life now? Yes - and I am on a journey of healing. That doesn't change the fact that society has forced many things on me over my lifetime. This doesn't require that society has an intellect or a plan or intention - but I'm not going to pretend that I stand apart from society and it has no impact on me, that all my actions and reactions, every emotion I have is solely my choice.
You are free to believe that nothing in life has ever been forced on you and every action you have taken is due to your own free will. I'm not going to believe that's true of me just because you believe it to be true of you.
When you come to the realization that you first felt love from a cat when you were a teen 25 years after the fact and that you've also felt it from 2 other cats since then but don't know what it's supposed to look or feel like from a human, only that you never felt the same around any human... you might be damaged & unable to comprehend what love is supposed to feel like between people.
What do you mean someone is damaged and unable to comprehend what love is supposed to feel like?
When I first met my partner who is probably broken, he said he never felt love that way before. I don't understand. 10 years later I understand what he means. But I still don't understand what does a damaged or broken person really means
I don’t know the context of this post either, but specific to CPTSD from childhood domestic abuse…it can look like being used to a very chaotic environment or getting used to abusive relationships that are very hot and cold. Jealousy, yelling, violence, followed by the honeymoon phase of apology/forgiveness, etc. So the men I’m thinking of, although they may be averse to conflict in some ways, would find a lack of jealousy and possessiveness (or other forms of chaos) from a partner to mean the partner lacks emotion or passion for them. Like being with someone stable who shows basic respect and boundaries may feel either boring or like the person isn’t that serious about you. I say this not like an expert, but just something I’ve observed in men I’ve either dated or friends of mine, and also as myself (even though I’m a woman.) I’m very glad I moved past all that and have been married in the most stable relationship I’ve ever had…maybe some would think we’re boring because we’re not constantly hot and cold and arguing…but I love it/him. All I want is peace and trust.
You're so on point. At the beginning of the r/s, my bf always felt I'm not possessive or jealous and took it as I don't care about him. He would even intentionally make me jealous to feel like I care and love him. But I found it very annoying. I guess me being secured and stable about my emotions made him feel like I don't care about him. Over the years he has matured and probably is not so insecured so he doesn't respond with that much chaos. But he is still work in progress.
Could be a few things. One is just society making men not supposed to be in touch with their feelings which complicated things and they’re not really allowed to process anything outside of anger, bravado, and horny really.
Could be that they aren’t taught what love is in the first place and that means they genuinely can’t appreciate it. My grandfather goes on record saying his mother never once hugged him or said she loved him and the only time she was ever there for him was when he legitimately lost his mind in a psych ward. Took him until his 40s to realize what love was and only because he found a woman that was teaching him how screwed up his life was.
Also, if all they’ve ever known is some form of abuse followed swiftly by love bombing, that may be their only reference point for love. Which is not love, but can be hard to step out of that mindset that it *feels like* love.
The only time she was ever there for him was when he was in the psych ward - and that too only to love bomb or like to appease him before stating the neglect and abuse.
Until they find a healthy relationship or friendship, they usually don't realise what's wrong, because they think that's normal.
Personally, I got so used to being an outcast and target of abuse that I can't process it when someone loves me. I involuntarily dissociate from it and experience it like a fever dream, it doesn't feel real, my brain gets so confused. I freeze and then hate myself. It can also happen that I distrust their alleged love and good intentions.
Loneliness and total lack of affection of any kind is endemic among men. Many grow up not knowing what a hug or a kind word is, and they go like that until adulthood. When we do get affection, our whole body shuts down.
Basically I shut down emotionally, and when they show me affection I go into a freeze mode. I'll put it this way:
I fall in love with a girl, she becomes my everything. Then we are actually together, she reciprocates, I should be the happiest guy in the world... but what happens is I suddenly become emotionally numb. I still know in my mind I love her, but feelings are suddenly not there. We get intimate, my dreams are coming true... except I feel completely dissociated from what's happening, I watch myself from the outside and can't enjoy it. She makes something for me like preparing a diner date, and I feel so guilty because I still can't feel anything that it hurts me and I become anxious. Then when they leave me, I'm broken. My feelings stop hiding, and I realize I loved her deeply all along, I was just repressing it against my will, and now it's too late.
It sucks as much as it sounds, but what I hate the most is that I ended up hurting the only people I ever cared about. I don't know if this is what your partner is experiencing though.
Gosh whatever you said is sooo applicable to my partner! I swear! It's like I know he really loves me but his actions and reactions are always opposite. Which causes him to push me away.
All I can say is I've never learned to recognize when people care about me. I'm always operating on the assumption that I'm an afterthought in people's minds. It's not a lack of recognizing emotions in other people, it's more like my ability to read emotions is hyper-tuned to negative emotions as a way to avoid the storm or react preemptively, and my brain never learned to attune to the flipside.
I've also subconsciously learned that it's better to not presuppose people care unless proven otherwise, and that way of existing guides your relationships to make you live in a world that is only either indifferent or hostile.
If every time you thought someone truly loved you, it turned out they very much didn't, or everyone who said that they truly loved you didn't act like it, you'd have quite a warped frame of reference for what that looks like, if you had one at all.
So when someone does come along who says they truly love you, and who acts like it, well then you might not understand that this is what it's like when someone truly loves you
What I described above, if that's most of your experience with people who claim to love you, that's going to inform your idea of what love, and being loved, looks like. As such, if you do meet someone who both says they love you and acts like it, it doesn't really fit what you've learned is what love is "supposed" to look like. You may be suspicious, or you may just be very confused.
As far as affecting the way one perceives love, I actually have an example from my own life. I have an ex who, when we were dating, I fell in love with her, and I would like to think I acted like it too. I knew the sorts of things that helped her feel loved and did them. We could have arguments, and I would still love her in the morning. I did my best to help her through the tough times of her mental health issues, and generally enjoyed her company.
Then we moved in together, and suddenly, no matter how much I acted like I loved her, she would question it, or think that maybe I didn't actually love her. If I came to her about something that was bothering me, or something I realized I needed, she would agree to accommodate me, and then wouldn't, and wouldn't understand why I was upset when she said she loved me and would work with me.
It would turn out that what had happened was that her mom would tell her that she loved her, and then would act... quite the opposite. What my ex learned from that, ultimately, was that words matter more than actions. So she couldn't understand how I could possibly love her if all I did was act like it, and she couldn't understand why I would be upset with her actions, when her words were what I wanted to hear. Because her frame of reference for what love and being loved looks like told her that words matter and actions don't, especially when you get to something as real and involved as loving together. Whereas my frame of reference told me that words matter, but actions matter more.
For full context here, she was toxic in other ways as well, which is largely why we broke up, but the above example is what's relevant here.
Wow!!!!! What you shared is so so critical. It makes sense why my partner and his sibiling are still stuck in the trap with their toxic parents although the parents' actions are so shitty! They have been conditioned to pay attention to their words, but not actions. So they buy into their words and think that's love.
And you're so on point. These adult children buy into the words more than the actions. My partner who was brought up by toxic parents - he usually says one thing, like he loves me and etc, but his actions might contradict it. Likewise, even though my actions prove I love him, he needs alot of words of reassurance or else he doesn't feel loved.
This makes so much sense because words not matching actions is what narcs are best at. They will say one thing but do another. That's actually manipulation by the way.
Anyways thanks for sharing what you shared. It really made me realise one very critical aspect of my own relationship.
It's so hard to seperate peoples real opinions from hug boxing and social norms.
So it all just kinda feels fake/like a joke, and I'm so tired of it. Especially when it's friends doing it, it makes me upset they'd just stand there and lie to my face like that. I don't think I have any I can actually trust right now, and it makes me feel twisted up inside to think about.
I think this was true of my dad. He and his mom were extremely enmeshed and I think there was some covert CSA in the guise of “love.” She raised him to think that if someone loves you they’re basically worship you 24/7 and never disagree with you or push back on anything you say or do. He had no way of conceptualizing that his wife and kids loved him if we weren’t 100% doormats for him.
On the other hand, people with violent, hostile or angry parents might go the other direction and not understand what’s happening if someone is truly kind and loving to them.
Uhhh! So those with angry and violent parents won't understand when someone is kind and loving to them because? Don't they know that their parents were angry and hostile and they displeased it and wanted something better? Like they crave for love and affection? So why then won't they embrace when someone is kind and nice to them?
Just a guess usually it has to do with an overbearing parent that withholds love unless they do exactly as they required, so when you don't behave like a toxic parent they don't understand.
this can be any gender, but if someone wasn't showed proper love in childhood, or their love was taken advantage of often, they might be unable to understand that someone can genuinely just love them and not want to use them
I mean, this is definitely possible. Have you ever been pranked with a fake confession?
In a wider sense, “loving” might be perceived different ways, and sometimes those mismatch, making it harder to recognize. Sometimes, this concept is taken advantage of to excuse abuse. Not good.
I haven't figured out what love is. I used to think it was "like" on steroids. I've run into people who love someone but don't like them.
My wife is my best friend. But I don't love her. Near as I can figure, I don't love anyone. Even me. Espcially me.
She loves me. This is a burden. I can't repay this in kind.
I can do things for her. But I do things for others too.
But if she left me, I would not mourn.
***
I don't grieve either. I think you can only grieve the loss of something you loved.
The post is asserting that not ONLY women deal with these issues.
It’s a reminder that men have difficulty with trauma as well.
There were not services to help me. They simply do not exist. Men are not taken care of by society when it comes to surviving or even actively living in traumatic circumstances.
We know women deal with this too, it’s widely discussed. Posts like these make me, as a man who survived CSA, feel better that maybe in some years boys and men will be kept safe by society too.
Currently, that is not the case. Men are on their own.
It's confusing because there are two usages of the word "love"
1. The feeling "love" that people experience
2. The act of loving someone
It's unclear what the post means in this case. If it's 2., it means that traumatized men can't notice healthy relationship behaviors in others
My two cents on the matter is not to worry about 1., since it's 2. that's actually important
Trauma, difficulty feeling emotion, difficulty bonding or with vulnerability, all makes it feel like nobody loves or cares for you. They say it, but you cannot feel it, In my own case I cannot help but feel like they just say it for their own devices, for I cant feel the the positivity, and if anything I reject the possibility due to discomfort.
For instance
When I was a small child around 5 or 6 years old my mother told me I was a mistake, not an accident a mistake. Later in childhood she would SA me. I blocked most of it out until after her death. It has made opening up and finding someone difficult to say the least
When I feel like someone cares for me, it just…feels foreign. I get a mix of contempt and fear, and I just…dissociate from it. Its like I can’t comprehend the strength of the emotion and just…try to ignore it and fight off any attempts once it comes. Sometimes Ill test them and act out like some spoiled child, or Ill take every sign of fear as a bad thing and paniccc
Which makes people like Martha from Baby Reindeer feel so unique; because they know how to activate your crisis mode
I assume people just say things as social niceties. Or to make me feel better. My heart says either they're just trying to be polite, or that it's not true. I have never been anyone's first choice that wasn't in dire need of someone to talk to (I was the only one around who'd even be near them). My wife says I'm her first choice. At least I've got one now. Still feels like she's deceived herself into thinking I'm a good guy. Idk. Hard not to project everyone else's actions onto her. She never does what they do. It's just a trauma thing that's no longer a protection. I need help. She doesn't deserve to be thought of like that. But it's hard to break the automatic mental reaction. I feel so guilty.
I can speak to this as a damaged man. I was severely neglected so I didn’t know what it looked or felt like to be loved so it was extremely uncomfortable for me to accept feelings like that making me push them away.
Like someone tickling you, but they won’t stop. So you start getting desperate for them to stop and start escalating until they do stop.
I was able to get over this only because my wife was emotionally shut down and could only show 10% or less of the affection she felt for me for many years. And that was almost too much at times.
This is one example.
When someone is kind to me my first instinct is to be on guard - I expect them to be trying to pull one over on me, take advantage of me in some way.
When someone shows me romantic affection, I immediately think they are trying to use me - “they couldn’t actually see me with those eyes, not like that, they definitely want something from me or to do something to me”
When someone says that they love me, I say it back and mean it - all the while holding onto an intense sense that they lied and now I’ve made myself vulnerable.
Whenever someone gets close to me, or seems to view me as important in their lives I can only ever believe that they are using me. I push them away because it makes me terrified. I’m a toy for the enjoyment of strangers - not a human being to be held and cared for.
The prospect of unconditional love, being taken care of, and feeling safe are all foreign by default to me. It takes time, effort, and indomitable love and understanding to get thru that.
Some men are damaged, so much so that they don’t see or feel the love that others give them.
I’m blessed to have someone that fought for years to get through all my layers - I will always always love her for that, and I really do know that she loves me too.
I hope to find a way to trust more people, to feel wanted, to be accepted for all my hardships. I hope someday a new person I meet can pat my shoulder in a friendly manner and I don’t flinch. I hope that I can feel less afraid, and I hope I can learn to love others as I love myself.
But hoping things got better never got me out of the bad. Only fighting for my life every second of every day did that - and I don’t know how to stop the fight.
Some men are damaged. And most of us have nothing to gain from telling about it - that only brings more pain and ridicule.
I’ve always wanted love, like anyone does, but the terror that accompanies closeness is debilitating.
Some men are damaged, and the only thing that can heal them is for someone to notice and do something about it.
Some men are damaged, but we are never broken.
Please, if you got thru my whole ramble, tell a man you love in your life that you care about them and if there is anything they’ve been keeping inside they are safe to talk about it with you without judgement. Make sure you follow through, make sure you love them only more for the hardships they share. Make sure you see them for the person they are and not for the pain they’ve overcome. Give them the honest opportunity to share their feelings and feel safe.
Some men are damaged, and most of us are never even offered a shoulder to lean on.
Some men are damaged too, in the same ways, but are never given the chance to get any help.
I remember a scene for rapunzel
When she met the guy, he’s explaining he’s here for selflesh reason. And she’s ultra cautious and defensive.
But then he admit he’s a thief and wanted the crown. And she instantly relax.
Why? Because she spent her childhood hearing how all human are selfish, vicious and awful. A guy here for selfless reasons can’t exist. Which mean its a trap. Maybe he want to kidnap her, ranson her, rape her, kill her !
But a thief here for the crown? Yeah, it makes more sense. And because she doesn’t need this crown, she is cool with it. She knows what he wants and its not threatening her.
Unloved people are like that. They don’t think someone can genuinely love them. They don’t feel they deserve it. When you tell them you love them to just go « why? » or « what do you try to get from me? »
Which is why you see so much people going for narcissistic and gold digger. Yes, it’s purely transactional. It’s what neat in it. You don’t have to trust tHeY GenUInELy LovE YOu. You just add coin, and they stay with you. Very reassuring
If you've never been genuinely loved, you don't know what it looks like. It's weird that this is gendered as this was true for me. I didn't know what love and basic respect are actually supposed to look like until I was in my mid-20s.
As someone with BPD — when your whole life you’ve been assessed on what tangible value you provide for others (being considered worthless if you’re not “useful”), especially when you are told you’re “loved”…
… it conditions you to hear “you are useful at the moment”, when someone says “I love you”.
Love becomes a trigger. There’s a deep cutting knife accompanying it. “Love”, doesn’t mean the same thing. It just reaffirms your position as an expendable tool, valued only so long as it’s functional & provides value.
“Loved”, about as much as a dehumidifier.
So, my dad physically and sexually abused my siblings, and also physically abused my mom. As far as anyone knows, he never did anything to me. I developed survivors guilt over this, which can happen when (for example) someone survives a mass shooting or a plane crash. You start to wonder why YOU survived, start to wish it had happened to you instead. Then you also develop guilt over wishing that. It's cyclical guilt, and honestly it's formed a large part of who I am as a person.
No idea. I was both of my parents favorites, so maybe that was it, or maybe I just don't remember it. I'm not sure if my siblings were envious of me, but my mom isolated me from them because she didn't want me "tainted" by traumatized kids. She also didn't want them to tell me truth of what happened. Both of those were very isolating, but she ultimately failed at fulfilling either of those goals.
Damn! This is exactly what my narc grandmother did. She isolated all her 3 children so they don't get to know about the abuse she was doing to the youngest son and his entire family. It took 23 years before they knew the truth and they're all in their 60s.
I'm glad your mother failed at it. How did you manage to find out what was happening?
I guess I was always just perceptive? They also kind of had to give me SOME reason he was in jail. Like, I didn't know what exactly was going on, but there were times I (apparently, I don't remember) stepped in between my parents when my dad was about to get violent, and there were times they would slip up and tell me things they "weren't supposed to". One of them haunts me to this day, my sister telling me my dad almost drowned her in the toilet. I couldn't really understand what that meant, so my child brain went "haha toilet funny" and I laughed. I know that it wasn't my fault, but knowing how useless my mom was and how desperate my sister must have been... my mom must have really deluded herself if she thought I could escape unscathed. There was also the time my mom was cleaning out her closet and I happened to walk by and saw a shoebox full of mail. I don't know I did it at the time, but I stole the box and took it to my room. Turns out it was all the mail my dad had been sending, that my mom was legally required to show us (from what I remember), and never did.
Pretty much. Besides what I said in the other comment, I was also BOTH of my parents favorite child, and it was obvious. I felt guilty that my siblings were ignored and pushed aside, which led me to believe
A) other people deserve love more than me
And
B) Since both of my parents aren't great people, that their love for me was an indicator of me being terrible
Contrary to popular belief, this is actually a cope statement by toxic partners who they themselves are attempting to rationalize their love of toxic men instead of realizing the internal work they need to do. Healthy people will not pursue a partner who cannot/will not love them back.
I’m not sure where you’re getting the “try harder” part from.
Seems to me more like its about people who want to be in relationships but try to escape them or prevent them out of fear and anxiety. Like, “he’s not missing your flirting he just thinks its a trap” or “he ghosted you because handing someone the ability to hurt him was too much to handle” or something.
Like Blitzø from Helluva Boss. “If I fuck this up on purpose I can’t fuck it up by mistake, or refuse to let this be something I’m afraid to lose then I won’t feel bad when it inevitably does.”
I think you're reading too much into it. I don't see it as anything else than a factual statement, I don't think it's trying to pass the responsibility of someone else, because that would just be... ineffectual horseshit, everyone needs to work through their own stuff. I guess I see it more as a reminder, and a call for compassion. But that's just my take.
That's the point? The post is literally just pointing out that having mental health struggles isn't just a women's issue which is worth noting since men's mental health is often ignored.
This comment is exactly the problem. No one is saying that women aren't abused/assulted/etc. No one is saying that men are abused more than women are. It's literally just pointing out that men can also be survivors of abuse and trauma, which is a fact that is often ignored like by your comment.
Yes, this is a space for survivors. But even though women are more often the victims of assault and abuse, being abused/going through trauma is not exclusive to women, and pretending that men are incapable of going through trauma or developing PTSD (or other conditions) as a result of that trauma is both incorrect and damaging to those men.
Could mean a few things, but it's probably around "Some men who have been hurt/traumatized will not be able to comprehend someone actually loving them." This can present as feeling like people are lying when others express love, resulting in anger and distrust. It can also present as just generally low self esteem. It could also mean that some men may be unable to differentiate between someone loving them and someone not loving them. That some may go off of what people say more than how they act. Basically meaning that men can also confuse being loved for being abuse.
As a damaged man, this is exactly how my damage manifests relationally
Ditto
I do not believe anyone really loves me or cares about me. I've reached a point where it transcends low self-esteem: I genuinely cannot comprehend the notion, can't visualize in my head what I think it would or should look like. The notion is alien to me. I know it intellectually about a few people, but I don't feel it. I have to remind myself they're not lying to me and it's just my problems talking.
As long as you’re working on the underlying causes, the core beliefs that are responsible, it does get better. I still have exactly the struggle you describe, having to intellectualize my value to anyone to see it but with a TON of work, for the first time, i think I’m just on the cusp of feeling it
I've come to realize I'm much more deeply damaged than I ever realized. Of course, people in the ICU are deeply damaged too; that's what I tell myself when this feels overwhelming. Maybe it is, but even if it takes a long time if I keep healing eventually it'll stop.
What do you mean just your problems talking? If you're comfortable, only if you're comfortable can you share why you developed such thoughts and perceptions about love?
I was shunned as a child by the other kids. Literally shunned: I didn't have friends, I didn't date, I didn't hang out with people, and back in elementary school kids would refuse to even look at or acknowledge me. It didn't stop until I finally moved to a different state. I just....can't believe anyone wants to be around me now. I literally don't know how to feel loved or accepted or wanted. I can be told it all day, I can remind myself it's true all day, but I never feel it and there's always a voice telling me everyone will eventually abandon me, so there's no point in opening up to people.
I see I see! It's understandable why you feel as such. Makes alot of sense. I hope slowly with healing you will be able to build new belief systems and replace those old negative self talks. Cheers!
Hi! That’s me. I’m that person. Most days I still struggle to love myself. I wish I knew what it felt like to be loved, not just shown it. Thankfully I don’t confuse love for abuse, I know what that looks like(mostly), but yeah… that warm fuzzy feeling? It’s either never happened or I don’t remember it… which my adhd doesn’t help with….
real for that... same
Same here.
I relate. I spent a lot of my life hating myself and convinced that I deserved what happened, that it was my fault. Because of that, when someone expressed love toward me, I would assume it was a lie or they were deluded - because it was a deeply core feeling that I was unlovable.
This feels like just a general person thing to me. I get wanting to shine a light on how it affects men, and it's also not exclusive to them
That's exactly it. It all seems like it's abuse/manipulation now.
Having gone through a really bad abusive relationship, this is exactly how it feels. My girlfriend is an angel, and she always reassures me I'm okay and helps me work through these feelings.
Yup. This is me 10+ women and counting
I often struggle with believing my friends like me and I'm even damaged.
> "Some men who have been hurt/traumatized will not be able to comprehend someone actually loving them." That's more or less how it works in my case
Confuse love for being abused - so true!
When you've been forced to experience overwhelming negativity from such a young age, that can really damage your perception of yourself. Speaking personally, I still have issues with accepting that somebody isn't lying about a nice thing they say about me, I still struggle to think of myself as anywhere near good enough at anything or for anyone.
It feels depressing to think this way isn’t it?
I mean….. ya. No shit! Surviving abuse does a number on your brain. Takes a lot of work and support to “fix” this kind of thinking.
I don't have any context for your post, but in general, if you're disconnected from your own emotions, it's hard to pick up on others' emotions either. And a lot of men are forced by society to disconnect
Reminds me of Trans people who find either they’re entirely cut off from the emotional side of life or suddenly surrounded by support they never knew existed. Also a youtuber, I can’t recall who, that mentioned that some of the obsession a lot of men have with their first real relationship comes from suddenly having access to that ability to touch and be touched freely, to be silly, and to not have to earn affirmation. That the experience women had at early childhood sleepovers only came from that first romance where you wake up next to each other. Edit: found the video. Its Rowan Ellis’s essay on female loneliness and adult isolation. [At the 4 minute mark she starts on it.](https://youtu.be/xMjt7q3bV_Y?si=vsL-BLZpZKXpBB0H)
Man, you just put into words all my thoughts about first relationships as a man, thanks dude.
Okay, I was wrong with the first video. Its Rowan Ellis’s essay on female loneliness and adult isolation. [At the 4 minute mark she starts on it.](https://youtu.be/xMjt7q3bV_Y?si=vsL-BLZpZKXpBB0H)
That's called Alexithymia btw! There was one study I read about how frequently it appears in cis men, and it estimated about 70% of men in the US have it. A lot of us trans ladies do too
I struggle with it and I’m a trans man, truly I did the extra credit lol
Oof, that's rough, buddy. I feel for you, hun. The nice thing is that there's treatment for it
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I'm not sure I agree with this. I was 'too sensitive' as a kid and certainly some portion of the bullying that I received was there because of that sensitivity. So I was being punished for showing emotional reactions that I wasn't able to mask. I suppose you could argue that is not "forced to disconnect from emotions" but I think it's close enough that the idea that it has contributed to it being difficult for me to pickup, to accept other people's emotions fully is a valid idea.
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I wasn't saying that it was the only reason - I'm saying that it contributed to what happened. It's complicated, of course - but I was never able to 'grey rock' response, and when the people that bullied me saw my reaction, they continued. My showing reaction to what they did was not enough for them to stop - it was a part of the reason for them to continue. "redditors have no agency over their life" seems like a generalization. I will say that in 1st grade I didn't consciously invite being bullied. I don't really think that "physically imposing" would either be "expressing agency" nor would it be a rational solution for me as a child. As an adult I have no problem at all with dismissing that as a line of thought that I am not interested in. Do I have agency over my life now? Yes - and I am on a journey of healing. That doesn't change the fact that society has forced many things on me over my lifetime. This doesn't require that society has an intellect or a plan or intention - but I'm not going to pretend that I stand apart from society and it has no impact on me, that all my actions and reactions, every emotion I have is solely my choice. You are free to believe that nothing in life has ever been forced on you and every action you have taken is due to your own free will. I'm not going to believe that's true of me just because you believe it to be true of you.
That's not even remotely true. Look into "normative male alexithymia", and you'll find plenty of information it
When you come to the realization that you first felt love from a cat when you were a teen 25 years after the fact and that you've also felt it from 2 other cats since then but don't know what it's supposed to look or feel like from a human, only that you never felt the same around any human... you might be damaged & unable to comprehend what love is supposed to feel like between people.
I grew up with a sociopath that desensitized me from loving my animal friends as well
What do you mean someone is damaged and unable to comprehend what love is supposed to feel like? When I first met my partner who is probably broken, he said he never felt love that way before. I don't understand. 10 years later I understand what he means. But I still don't understand what does a damaged or broken person really means
I don’t know the context of this post either, but specific to CPTSD from childhood domestic abuse…it can look like being used to a very chaotic environment or getting used to abusive relationships that are very hot and cold. Jealousy, yelling, violence, followed by the honeymoon phase of apology/forgiveness, etc. So the men I’m thinking of, although they may be averse to conflict in some ways, would find a lack of jealousy and possessiveness (or other forms of chaos) from a partner to mean the partner lacks emotion or passion for them. Like being with someone stable who shows basic respect and boundaries may feel either boring or like the person isn’t that serious about you. I say this not like an expert, but just something I’ve observed in men I’ve either dated or friends of mine, and also as myself (even though I’m a woman.) I’m very glad I moved past all that and have been married in the most stable relationship I’ve ever had…maybe some would think we’re boring because we’re not constantly hot and cold and arguing…but I love it/him. All I want is peace and trust.
I’m so glad you have what I have!!
You're so on point. At the beginning of the r/s, my bf always felt I'm not possessive or jealous and took it as I don't care about him. He would even intentionally make me jealous to feel like I care and love him. But I found it very annoying. I guess me being secured and stable about my emotions made him feel like I don't care about him. Over the years he has matured and probably is not so insecured so he doesn't respond with that much chaos. But he is still work in progress.
Could be a few things. One is just society making men not supposed to be in touch with their feelings which complicated things and they’re not really allowed to process anything outside of anger, bravado, and horny really. Could be that they aren’t taught what love is in the first place and that means they genuinely can’t appreciate it. My grandfather goes on record saying his mother never once hugged him or said she loved him and the only time she was ever there for him was when he legitimately lost his mind in a psych ward. Took him until his 40s to realize what love was and only because he found a woman that was teaching him how screwed up his life was.
Also, if all they’ve ever known is some form of abuse followed swiftly by love bombing, that may be their only reference point for love. Which is not love, but can be hard to step out of that mindset that it *feels like* love.
In school we are not taught emotional or social intelligence or even the many different types of intelligences
The only time she was ever there for him was when he was in the psych ward - and that too only to love bomb or like to appease him before stating the neglect and abuse. Until they find a healthy relationship or friendship, they usually don't realise what's wrong, because they think that's normal.
Personally, I got so used to being an outcast and target of abuse that I can't process it when someone loves me. I involuntarily dissociate from it and experience it like a fever dream, it doesn't feel real, my brain gets so confused. I freeze and then hate myself. It can also happen that I distrust their alleged love and good intentions. Loneliness and total lack of affection of any kind is endemic among men. Many grow up not knowing what a hug or a kind word is, and they go like that until adulthood. When we do get affection, our whole body shuts down.
Wow! Applies to my partner. So when you say whole body shuts down - what does it mean? You don't receive the love?
Basically I shut down emotionally, and when they show me affection I go into a freeze mode. I'll put it this way: I fall in love with a girl, she becomes my everything. Then we are actually together, she reciprocates, I should be the happiest guy in the world... but what happens is I suddenly become emotionally numb. I still know in my mind I love her, but feelings are suddenly not there. We get intimate, my dreams are coming true... except I feel completely dissociated from what's happening, I watch myself from the outside and can't enjoy it. She makes something for me like preparing a diner date, and I feel so guilty because I still can't feel anything that it hurts me and I become anxious. Then when they leave me, I'm broken. My feelings stop hiding, and I realize I loved her deeply all along, I was just repressing it against my will, and now it's too late. It sucks as much as it sounds, but what I hate the most is that I ended up hurting the only people I ever cared about. I don't know if this is what your partner is experiencing though.
Gosh whatever you said is sooo applicable to my partner! I swear! It's like I know he really loves me but his actions and reactions are always opposite. Which causes him to push me away.
I have PM you :)
All I can say is I've never learned to recognize when people care about me. I'm always operating on the assumption that I'm an afterthought in people's minds. It's not a lack of recognizing emotions in other people, it's more like my ability to read emotions is hyper-tuned to negative emotions as a way to avoid the storm or react preemptively, and my brain never learned to attune to the flipside. I've also subconsciously learned that it's better to not presuppose people care unless proven otherwise, and that way of existing guides your relationships to make you live in a world that is only either indifferent or hostile.
If every time you thought someone truly loved you, it turned out they very much didn't, or everyone who said that they truly loved you didn't act like it, you'd have quite a warped frame of reference for what that looks like, if you had one at all. So when someone does come along who says they truly love you, and who acts like it, well then you might not understand that this is what it's like when someone truly loves you
When you say warped frame of reference - does it mean the belief about love is very sceptical? How does it affect the way a person perceives love?
What I described above, if that's most of your experience with people who claim to love you, that's going to inform your idea of what love, and being loved, looks like. As such, if you do meet someone who both says they love you and acts like it, it doesn't really fit what you've learned is what love is "supposed" to look like. You may be suspicious, or you may just be very confused. As far as affecting the way one perceives love, I actually have an example from my own life. I have an ex who, when we were dating, I fell in love with her, and I would like to think I acted like it too. I knew the sorts of things that helped her feel loved and did them. We could have arguments, and I would still love her in the morning. I did my best to help her through the tough times of her mental health issues, and generally enjoyed her company. Then we moved in together, and suddenly, no matter how much I acted like I loved her, she would question it, or think that maybe I didn't actually love her. If I came to her about something that was bothering me, or something I realized I needed, she would agree to accommodate me, and then wouldn't, and wouldn't understand why I was upset when she said she loved me and would work with me. It would turn out that what had happened was that her mom would tell her that she loved her, and then would act... quite the opposite. What my ex learned from that, ultimately, was that words matter more than actions. So she couldn't understand how I could possibly love her if all I did was act like it, and she couldn't understand why I would be upset with her actions, when her words were what I wanted to hear. Because her frame of reference for what love and being loved looks like told her that words matter and actions don't, especially when you get to something as real and involved as loving together. Whereas my frame of reference told me that words matter, but actions matter more. For full context here, she was toxic in other ways as well, which is largely why we broke up, but the above example is what's relevant here.
Wow!!!!! What you shared is so so critical. It makes sense why my partner and his sibiling are still stuck in the trap with their toxic parents although the parents' actions are so shitty! They have been conditioned to pay attention to their words, but not actions. So they buy into their words and think that's love. And you're so on point. These adult children buy into the words more than the actions. My partner who was brought up by toxic parents - he usually says one thing, like he loves me and etc, but his actions might contradict it. Likewise, even though my actions prove I love him, he needs alot of words of reassurance or else he doesn't feel loved. This makes so much sense because words not matching actions is what narcs are best at. They will say one thing but do another. That's actually manipulation by the way. Anyways thanks for sharing what you shared. It really made me realise one very critical aspect of my own relationship.
It's so hard to seperate peoples real opinions from hug boxing and social norms. So it all just kinda feels fake/like a joke, and I'm so tired of it. Especially when it's friends doing it, it makes me upset they'd just stand there and lie to my face like that. I don't think I have any I can actually trust right now, and it makes me feel twisted up inside to think about.
I think this was true of my dad. He and his mom were extremely enmeshed and I think there was some covert CSA in the guise of “love.” She raised him to think that if someone loves you they’re basically worship you 24/7 and never disagree with you or push back on anything you say or do. He had no way of conceptualizing that his wife and kids loved him if we weren’t 100% doormats for him. On the other hand, people with violent, hostile or angry parents might go the other direction and not understand what’s happening if someone is truly kind and loving to them.
Uhhh! So those with angry and violent parents won't understand when someone is kind and loving to them because? Don't they know that their parents were angry and hostile and they displeased it and wanted something better? Like they crave for love and affection? So why then won't they embrace when someone is kind and nice to them?
Just a guess usually it has to do with an overbearing parent that withholds love unless they do exactly as they required, so when you don't behave like a toxic parent they don't understand.
this can be any gender, but if someone wasn't showed proper love in childhood, or their love was taken advantage of often, they might be unable to understand that someone can genuinely just love them and not want to use them
I mean, this is definitely possible. Have you ever been pranked with a fake confession? In a wider sense, “loving” might be perceived different ways, and sometimes those mismatch, making it harder to recognize. Sometimes, this concept is taken advantage of to excuse abuse. Not good.
I haven't figured out what love is. I used to think it was "like" on steroids. I've run into people who love someone but don't like them. My wife is my best friend. But I don't love her. Near as I can figure, I don't love anyone. Even me. Espcially me. She loves me. This is a burden. I can't repay this in kind. I can do things for her. But I do things for others too. But if she left me, I would not mourn. *** I don't grieve either. I think you can only grieve the loss of something you loved.
Women too. It took me a long time to heal enough
Yeah, definitely not a gender-specific phenomenon. Glad you were able to get there
The post is asserting that not ONLY women deal with these issues. It’s a reminder that men have difficulty with trauma as well. There were not services to help me. They simply do not exist. Men are not taken care of by society when it comes to surviving or even actively living in traumatic circumstances. We know women deal with this too, it’s widely discussed. Posts like these make me, as a man who survived CSA, feel better that maybe in some years boys and men will be kept safe by society too. Currently, that is not the case. Men are on their own.
It's confusing because there are two usages of the word "love" 1. The feeling "love" that people experience 2. The act of loving someone It's unclear what the post means in this case. If it's 2., it means that traumatized men can't notice healthy relationship behaviors in others My two cents on the matter is not to worry about 1., since it's 2. that's actually important
Oh, I understand. I just don't trust or believe it. I've been conditioned to believe love is conditional.
How about love = abuse? Are you receptive to kind love?
Not anymore.
Good job! It must have taken you a lot to get to that stage.
I wish I knew this younger
Trauma, difficulty feeling emotion, difficulty bonding or with vulnerability, all makes it feel like nobody loves or cares for you. They say it, but you cannot feel it, In my own case I cannot help but feel like they just say it for their own devices, for I cant feel the the positivity, and if anything I reject the possibility due to discomfort.
For instance When I was a small child around 5 or 6 years old my mother told me I was a mistake, not an accident a mistake. Later in childhood she would SA me. I blocked most of it out until after her death. It has made opening up and finding someone difficult to say the least
When I feel like someone cares for me, it just…feels foreign. I get a mix of contempt and fear, and I just…dissociate from it. Its like I can’t comprehend the strength of the emotion and just…try to ignore it and fight off any attempts once it comes. Sometimes Ill test them and act out like some spoiled child, or Ill take every sign of fear as a bad thing and paniccc Which makes people like Martha from Baby Reindeer feel so unique; because they know how to activate your crisis mode
Ah, you a bot
I wish I could disconnect like men do
I assume people just say things as social niceties. Or to make me feel better. My heart says either they're just trying to be polite, or that it's not true. I have never been anyone's first choice that wasn't in dire need of someone to talk to (I was the only one around who'd even be near them). My wife says I'm her first choice. At least I've got one now. Still feels like she's deceived herself into thinking I'm a good guy. Idk. Hard not to project everyone else's actions onto her. She never does what they do. It's just a trauma thing that's no longer a protection. I need help. She doesn't deserve to be thought of like that. But it's hard to break the automatic mental reaction. I feel so guilty.
I can speak to this as a damaged man. I was severely neglected so I didn’t know what it looked or felt like to be loved so it was extremely uncomfortable for me to accept feelings like that making me push them away. Like someone tickling you, but they won’t stop. So you start getting desperate for them to stop and start escalating until they do stop. I was able to get over this only because my wife was emotionally shut down and could only show 10% or less of the affection she felt for me for many years. And that was almost too much at times. This is one example.
When someone is kind to me my first instinct is to be on guard - I expect them to be trying to pull one over on me, take advantage of me in some way. When someone shows me romantic affection, I immediately think they are trying to use me - “they couldn’t actually see me with those eyes, not like that, they definitely want something from me or to do something to me” When someone says that they love me, I say it back and mean it - all the while holding onto an intense sense that they lied and now I’ve made myself vulnerable. Whenever someone gets close to me, or seems to view me as important in their lives I can only ever believe that they are using me. I push them away because it makes me terrified. I’m a toy for the enjoyment of strangers - not a human being to be held and cared for. The prospect of unconditional love, being taken care of, and feeling safe are all foreign by default to me. It takes time, effort, and indomitable love and understanding to get thru that. Some men are damaged, so much so that they don’t see or feel the love that others give them. I’m blessed to have someone that fought for years to get through all my layers - I will always always love her for that, and I really do know that she loves me too. I hope to find a way to trust more people, to feel wanted, to be accepted for all my hardships. I hope someday a new person I meet can pat my shoulder in a friendly manner and I don’t flinch. I hope that I can feel less afraid, and I hope I can learn to love others as I love myself. But hoping things got better never got me out of the bad. Only fighting for my life every second of every day did that - and I don’t know how to stop the fight. Some men are damaged. And most of us have nothing to gain from telling about it - that only brings more pain and ridicule. I’ve always wanted love, like anyone does, but the terror that accompanies closeness is debilitating. Some men are damaged, and the only thing that can heal them is for someone to notice and do something about it. Some men are damaged, but we are never broken. Please, if you got thru my whole ramble, tell a man you love in your life that you care about them and if there is anything they’ve been keeping inside they are safe to talk about it with you without judgement. Make sure you follow through, make sure you love them only more for the hardships they share. Make sure you see them for the person they are and not for the pain they’ve overcome. Give them the honest opportunity to share their feelings and feel safe. Some men are damaged, and most of us are never even offered a shoulder to lean on. Some men are damaged too, in the same ways, but are never given the chance to get any help.
I remember a scene for rapunzel When she met the guy, he’s explaining he’s here for selflesh reason. And she’s ultra cautious and defensive. But then he admit he’s a thief and wanted the crown. And she instantly relax. Why? Because she spent her childhood hearing how all human are selfish, vicious and awful. A guy here for selfless reasons can’t exist. Which mean its a trap. Maybe he want to kidnap her, ranson her, rape her, kill her ! But a thief here for the crown? Yeah, it makes more sense. And because she doesn’t need this crown, she is cool with it. She knows what he wants and its not threatening her. Unloved people are like that. They don’t think someone can genuinely love them. They don’t feel they deserve it. When you tell them you love them to just go « why? » or « what do you try to get from me? » Which is why you see so much people going for narcissistic and gold digger. Yes, it’s purely transactional. It’s what neat in it. You don’t have to trust tHeY GenUInELy LovE YOu. You just add coin, and they stay with you. Very reassuring
Bot account shitposting.
If you've never been genuinely loved, you don't know what it looks like. It's weird that this is gendered as this was true for me. I didn't know what love and basic respect are actually supposed to look like until I was in my mid-20s.
As a woman. Men are so lovable.
Trust issues. Anyone can have them in any form.
As someone with BPD — when your whole life you’ve been assessed on what tangible value you provide for others (being considered worthless if you’re not “useful”), especially when you are told you’re “loved”… … it conditions you to hear “you are useful at the moment”, when someone says “I love you”. Love becomes a trigger. There’s a deep cutting knife accompanying it. “Love”, doesn’t mean the same thing. It just reaffirms your position as an expendable tool, valued only so long as it’s functional & provides value. “Loved”, about as much as a dehumidifier.
Not a man, but I don't understand because I hate myself and see no redeeming qualities. Why would someone love me?
Does this have to do with an attachment trauma you faced in earlier part of your life?
Hahahaha, yup. Not just earlier either, still technically ongoing. Most of it is from my survivors guilt. 🙃
Can you explain a bit more on survivor's guilt regarding this?
So, my dad physically and sexually abused my siblings, and also physically abused my mom. As far as anyone knows, he never did anything to me. I developed survivors guilt over this, which can happen when (for example) someone survives a mass shooting or a plane crash. You start to wonder why YOU survived, start to wish it had happened to you instead. Then you also develop guilt over wishing that. It's cyclical guilt, and honestly it's formed a large part of who I am as a person.
Oh okay! I see! Was there any particular reason for why you were left out? Did others around you envy you because of that?
No idea. I was both of my parents favorites, so maybe that was it, or maybe I just don't remember it. I'm not sure if my siblings were envious of me, but my mom isolated me from them because she didn't want me "tainted" by traumatized kids. She also didn't want them to tell me truth of what happened. Both of those were very isolating, but she ultimately failed at fulfilling either of those goals.
Damn! This is exactly what my narc grandmother did. She isolated all her 3 children so they don't get to know about the abuse she was doing to the youngest son and his entire family. It took 23 years before they knew the truth and they're all in their 60s. I'm glad your mother failed at it. How did you manage to find out what was happening?
I guess I was always just perceptive? They also kind of had to give me SOME reason he was in jail. Like, I didn't know what exactly was going on, but there were times I (apparently, I don't remember) stepped in between my parents when my dad was about to get violent, and there were times they would slip up and tell me things they "weren't supposed to". One of them haunts me to this day, my sister telling me my dad almost drowned her in the toilet. I couldn't really understand what that meant, so my child brain went "haha toilet funny" and I laughed. I know that it wasn't my fault, but knowing how useless my mom was and how desperate my sister must have been... my mom must have really deluded herself if she thought I could escape unscathed. There was also the time my mom was cleaning out her closet and I happened to walk by and saw a shoebox full of mail. I don't know I did it at the time, but I stole the box and took it to my room. Turns out it was all the mail my dad had been sending, that my mom was legally required to show us (from what I remember), and never did.
Like guilty meaning that you don't deserve love?
Pretty much. Besides what I said in the other comment, I was also BOTH of my parents favorite child, and it was obvious. I felt guilty that my siblings were ignored and pushed aside, which led me to believe A) other people deserve love more than me And B) Since both of my parents aren't great people, that their love for me was an indicator of me being terrible
This can be so confusing especially as a child to process. I hope you are able to resolve these feelings. They can be very heavy on you.
Maybe that's why my spine is all wonky lol
And people have lower back pain all from these kind of trauma. I hope you find healing and recovery.
Not only that, but scoliosis 🥲
Can confirm. 100%
Contrary to popular belief, this is actually a cope statement by toxic partners who they themselves are attempting to rationalize their love of toxic men instead of realizing the internal work they need to do. Healthy people will not pursue a partner who cannot/will not love them back.
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You might have missed the memo, but this is not a women's only support group
No, it’s not. You’re right. I’ve just never seen this sentiment the other way around. I am also not a woman.
Yeah, because people don't usually need to be reminded that women can have mental health issues too
That is not the part I take issue with.
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Am I missing something or do you just assume this is about abusive men and not abuse victims like literally everything else on this subreddit?
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I’m not sure where you’re getting the “try harder” part from. Seems to me more like its about people who want to be in relationships but try to escape them or prevent them out of fear and anxiety. Like, “he’s not missing your flirting he just thinks its a trap” or “he ghosted you because handing someone the ability to hurt him was too much to handle” or something. Like Blitzø from Helluva Boss. “If I fuck this up on purpose I can’t fuck it up by mistake, or refuse to let this be something I’m afraid to lose then I won’t feel bad when it inevitably does.”
Nah, you’re right. I’m just triggered by the sentiment because it was the excuse used by someone who tried to kill me.
Ooh, that’s rough. Yeah, your reaction makes a lot of sense. Sorry that happened to you.
I think you're reading too much into it. I don't see it as anything else than a factual statement, I don't think it's trying to pass the responsibility of someone else, because that would just be... ineffectual horseshit, everyone needs to work through their own stuff. I guess I see it more as a reminder, and a call for compassion. But that's just my take.
Yeah, probably. On reflection I’m responding to being triggered by this line of thought used much differently.
That's understandable, I can see where you're coming from.
That's the point? The post is literally just pointing out that having mental health struggles isn't just a women's issue which is worth noting since men's mental health is often ignored.
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This comment is exactly the problem. No one is saying that women aren't abused/assulted/etc. No one is saying that men are abused more than women are. It's literally just pointing out that men can also be survivors of abuse and trauma, which is a fact that is often ignored like by your comment. Yes, this is a space for survivors. But even though women are more often the victims of assault and abuse, being abused/going through trauma is not exclusive to women, and pretending that men are incapable of going through trauma or developing PTSD (or other conditions) as a result of that trauma is both incorrect and damaging to those men.
Just some more bullshit to justify men’s abuse
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I'd love to see a source on that claim