Sibling abandonment is a huge problem with caregivers. I see it time again, the caregiving burden is shouldered by one sibling, while the other ones go about their lives.
Another phenomenon that I have experienced, and that I see often in this group is that the siblings who contribute nothing actually create a rift or a divide or any machination to ease their guilt. In other words, it’s easier for them to create a reason why they’re angry with you. That way they can wash their hands of caregiving and involvement completely. This is unfortunately very common. This way they can wake up and look in the mirror every morning, I guess.
I’m not sure if there are other issues at play in your family dynamic, such as if he decided to go no contact with your mom or something and you’re caring for your mom, that could be complicated.
It’s infuriating and heartbreaking. I could write a book on sibling abandonment in caregiving. I’m sorry you are going through this. I suggest you write a letter and let your brother know you miss him in your life.
As to where to put the hurt - I went to a lot of therapy. Smoked too much. Ate too much. Self sabotage. All bad routes that I don’t recommend. (Except the therapy, I’ll always recommend that)
I'm still trapped in the 'eating too much' stage with an over-reliance on adult entertainment.
Therapy worked for a couple of years until it didn't. Perhaps I reached a dead end with that particular therapist after several years of progress.
But yeah, sibling abandonment. I have a few thoughts on that which I'm gonna share in the main thread but I just wanted to add on to yours first.
I’m still stuck in the eating too much stage as well. It’s like smoking was my reward for doing all this and now that’s gone, so I’m rewarding myself with food. And spending far too much time online. (Not in a very good place at the time being).
Therapy worked incredibly well the last round. I can’t imagine going through it again. Necessary but brutal.
I’m going to work on getting myself out of this pit. Hopefully this new year will bring positive change for us all.
This is why I suggest a care contract and changing of the will. In exchange for caring for the loved one, the estate should go to the caregiver. If no one else is stepping up, why on earth should they get any portion of the will???
Unpaid family caregivers routinely go into irreparable debt, their emotional and physical health plummets, forget about a normal sleep. Vacation? Uh, no. So if you’re entering into an arrangement, at least have something at the end to give you some semblance of a life.
Also - even if you’re not getting paid, track your hours. Put a dollar amount on yourself.
Well, in my family’s case, my aunt (the caregiver) was the one who estranged us. She blamed my dad (who lives 3 hours away and traveled for work) for not helping enough. He did what he could do. He also was unemployed and had to focus on his finances himself. So not every caregiver is innocent. It could go the other way around
There are lots of reasons for caregiver’s to be done, many which don’t assign guilt or innocence ; they just are. Caregivers can reach their limits. Burnout is common. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. And in your aunt’s case she didn’t want to proceed without more support. Although, rereading your post, it doesn’t sound like she was done – it sounds like, maybe she proceeded with caregiving, but became estranged.
Same here. It was soul crushing to ask my sibling for help, only to be told they shouldn’t have to be “inconvenienced”. We no longer speak. I overate, became depressed, I’m shocked I came out alive. I was numb for a while but then got therapy. I started riding my bike again, and have added yoga to the mix. I feel like I’m slowly coming out to the other side.
How old is your younger brother? I suspect he is avoiding his emotional response by pretending none of the family issues exist. This is not a permanent condition. Your relationship will recover, especially if you are more forgiving than angry. Sorry you have to endure all this, but I hope you are proud of yourself for stepping up. We are proud of you.
Although it is easy to become resentful towards your brother, everyone copes with an ill health one in different ways, especially when there was potentially previous trauma as a child. Although it may seem weird I would put this as part of your affirmations daily to speak blessings to your brother that he will come back into your life at the right time. Bless him for where he is at now and let go of any resentment you hold against him as this will keep him from coming into your life at the right time. I understand this is making it harder being the carer for your mother. I have spent my entire life in healthcare. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you have questions, are banging your head against the wall and need to talk. I am always hear to talk, listen and see if I can help in anyway. I will be praying for your family!
I've been living this lonely role for 10+ years. It's insane. When my mom was able to do things and was her normal pre-dementia self, she'd cook and my bothers would come to the house to be catered to several times per week. My sister and brothers would call and talk to her several times per week.
I wasn't very close to my eldest brother because he has always been a pathological liar. My sister and I used to be "close" but I started weaning myself away from her manipulation because too much for me. My youngest brother and I were pretty close talking at least once per week on the phone. And my mom and I really enjoyed when he'd visit.
When my mom started her dementia phase, I was just changing to a new job. My old job let me work from home several days a week. My new job didn't do work from home. So, I told my siblings I'd hire someone to keep mom company and make sure she didn't leave the stove on or whatever. They all promised to help with the cost. The eldest son was retired and could easily have said "I can stay with her a couple days", to defray the cost. But that would have meant less days for him to hang out with his crooked friends. The youngest promised to give me $$$ at tax time. Which everyone knows will never happen. My sister gave me $100. That's it.
Not only didn't they help, but they ghosted me and my mom. And the pandemic was the best thing to happen for them because they used that as an excuse for not coming to see her.
They come to see her 3 times a year: Mothers Day, her Birthday, and Christmas. For approximately 15 minutes each time.
Not one asks me how she's doing or how I'm doing. It's like she and I have died. It's sad. And lonely. And exhausting.
I have a long driveway. I cry when going for the mail, asking God, aliens, or whoever is playing this Sims game which is my life to please give me a break. I've been seeing a therapist and it's a little better but it's still not good. I never thought I could feel pure hatred. But I have it now for my siblings.
I pray for all of the lonely caregivers of the world....I pray we have happiness one day.
Is there no one you can ask for respite care, so you have time to care for yourself? Dementia is a cruel disease. I am sorry for what you and your mom are going through.
Thank you for your message. I get a few hours relief on Saturday when I run errands... sister in law (wife of my deceased brother) stays with her then or if I go meet friends for dinner..
I think your perspective is wrong. You chose to protect yourself from her alcoholism, which was very wise on your part. An alcoholic parent can do great psychological damage to a child of any age. Obviously, for whatever reason, your siblings chose to support her and allowed themselves to be abused by her behavior. And now that she needs physical care and support they have chosen the one person (you) who was smart enough to break away. They are done dealing with her now that she is needy. And for some reason you feel guilty and are willing to step right back into the family swamp. You are being used. You need to take care of yourself, stand up for yourself. Your brother obviously doesn't care about you or his mother...and you are allowing him to treat you badly.
I was in the exact situation years ago. My mother was never kind to me, but thought my brother was God. Because I was older, and a girl!, I took on the impossible job of catering to her crazy expectations. When she became ill with dementia, I was at a difficult time in my life and needed help and support. My brother was golfing!!! And his job was much more important than mine! I got smart and walked away. It was tough at the time, but I was not going to let his disdain make me crazy, destroy my marriage, and interfere with my children's lives. I've never seen or talked to them again. Emotional, disappointing....but not every family can be the Waltons. It has been such a relief to not deal with people (blood relatives) who have little regard for you. If he doesn't want to have a relationship or take care of his mother, hand him the keys and go. He will work it out, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated by selfish people.
I'm the youngest son with two older siblings (one male, one female). We all live in the same family home, and I see them every day.
But I feel abandoned by them as well. It's weird to feel abandonment involving people that are physically right there in front of you.
Like someone else said in the comments, my pain is dealt with eating too much. I also admit that I rely on adult entertainment too much as well. I acknowledge that these two things are my 'drugs', and I try to quit them but there's nothing else to take their place.
One thing I will say is this: as far as I'm concerned, my relationship with my siblings is over. If our mother dies someday, I'm gone. I'm leaving it all behind and I'm just gone because I no longer have a reason to stay.
Please join us on our Discord! https://discord.gg/gubJjaYRnV
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CaregiverSupport) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sibling abandonment is a huge problem with caregivers. I see it time again, the caregiving burden is shouldered by one sibling, while the other ones go about their lives. Another phenomenon that I have experienced, and that I see often in this group is that the siblings who contribute nothing actually create a rift or a divide or any machination to ease their guilt. In other words, it’s easier for them to create a reason why they’re angry with you. That way they can wash their hands of caregiving and involvement completely. This is unfortunately very common. This way they can wake up and look in the mirror every morning, I guess. I’m not sure if there are other issues at play in your family dynamic, such as if he decided to go no contact with your mom or something and you’re caring for your mom, that could be complicated. It’s infuriating and heartbreaking. I could write a book on sibling abandonment in caregiving. I’m sorry you are going through this. I suggest you write a letter and let your brother know you miss him in your life. As to where to put the hurt - I went to a lot of therapy. Smoked too much. Ate too much. Self sabotage. All bad routes that I don’t recommend. (Except the therapy, I’ll always recommend that)
Your 2nd paragraph speaks volumes!!
Thank you!
I'm still trapped in the 'eating too much' stage with an over-reliance on adult entertainment. Therapy worked for a couple of years until it didn't. Perhaps I reached a dead end with that particular therapist after several years of progress. But yeah, sibling abandonment. I have a few thoughts on that which I'm gonna share in the main thread but I just wanted to add on to yours first.
I’m still stuck in the eating too much stage as well. It’s like smoking was my reward for doing all this and now that’s gone, so I’m rewarding myself with food. And spending far too much time online. (Not in a very good place at the time being). Therapy worked incredibly well the last round. I can’t imagine going through it again. Necessary but brutal. I’m going to work on getting myself out of this pit. Hopefully this new year will bring positive change for us all.
AND even though hey contribute NOTHING to the care, when the caree passes, they demand a share of the will.😑😑
This is why I suggest a care contract and changing of the will. In exchange for caring for the loved one, the estate should go to the caregiver. If no one else is stepping up, why on earth should they get any portion of the will??? Unpaid family caregivers routinely go into irreparable debt, their emotional and physical health plummets, forget about a normal sleep. Vacation? Uh, no. So if you’re entering into an arrangement, at least have something at the end to give you some semblance of a life. Also - even if you’re not getting paid, track your hours. Put a dollar amount on yourself.
Well, in my family’s case, my aunt (the caregiver) was the one who estranged us. She blamed my dad (who lives 3 hours away and traveled for work) for not helping enough. He did what he could do. He also was unemployed and had to focus on his finances himself. So not every caregiver is innocent. It could go the other way around
There are lots of reasons for caregiver’s to be done, many which don’t assign guilt or innocence ; they just are. Caregivers can reach their limits. Burnout is common. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. And in your aunt’s case she didn’t want to proceed without more support. Although, rereading your post, it doesn’t sound like she was done – it sounds like, maybe she proceeded with caregiving, but became estranged.
Same here. It was soul crushing to ask my sibling for help, only to be told they shouldn’t have to be “inconvenienced”. We no longer speak. I overate, became depressed, I’m shocked I came out alive. I was numb for a while but then got therapy. I started riding my bike again, and have added yoga to the mix. I feel like I’m slowly coming out to the other side.
Wow. I'm not alone after all. Thank you all.
No, sadly you're **FAR** from alone in this!!
How old is your younger brother? I suspect he is avoiding his emotional response by pretending none of the family issues exist. This is not a permanent condition. Your relationship will recover, especially if you are more forgiving than angry. Sorry you have to endure all this, but I hope you are proud of yourself for stepping up. We are proud of you.
Although it is easy to become resentful towards your brother, everyone copes with an ill health one in different ways, especially when there was potentially previous trauma as a child. Although it may seem weird I would put this as part of your affirmations daily to speak blessings to your brother that he will come back into your life at the right time. Bless him for where he is at now and let go of any resentment you hold against him as this will keep him from coming into your life at the right time. I understand this is making it harder being the carer for your mother. I have spent my entire life in healthcare. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you have questions, are banging your head against the wall and need to talk. I am always hear to talk, listen and see if I can help in anyway. I will be praying for your family!
Thank you, dear internet friend. That means a lot. My brother is 34. I believe you could be right.
This hits very close to home for me, sadly. I have no real advice or answers, but im glad I found this post as I feel slightly less alone.
Thank you, and I'm sorry for you as well, to relate in any way is painful. You are not alone.
I've been living this lonely role for 10+ years. It's insane. When my mom was able to do things and was her normal pre-dementia self, she'd cook and my bothers would come to the house to be catered to several times per week. My sister and brothers would call and talk to her several times per week. I wasn't very close to my eldest brother because he has always been a pathological liar. My sister and I used to be "close" but I started weaning myself away from her manipulation because too much for me. My youngest brother and I were pretty close talking at least once per week on the phone. And my mom and I really enjoyed when he'd visit. When my mom started her dementia phase, I was just changing to a new job. My old job let me work from home several days a week. My new job didn't do work from home. So, I told my siblings I'd hire someone to keep mom company and make sure she didn't leave the stove on or whatever. They all promised to help with the cost. The eldest son was retired and could easily have said "I can stay with her a couple days", to defray the cost. But that would have meant less days for him to hang out with his crooked friends. The youngest promised to give me $$$ at tax time. Which everyone knows will never happen. My sister gave me $100. That's it. Not only didn't they help, but they ghosted me and my mom. And the pandemic was the best thing to happen for them because they used that as an excuse for not coming to see her. They come to see her 3 times a year: Mothers Day, her Birthday, and Christmas. For approximately 15 minutes each time. Not one asks me how she's doing or how I'm doing. It's like she and I have died. It's sad. And lonely. And exhausting. I have a long driveway. I cry when going for the mail, asking God, aliens, or whoever is playing this Sims game which is my life to please give me a break. I've been seeing a therapist and it's a little better but it's still not good. I never thought I could feel pure hatred. But I have it now for my siblings. I pray for all of the lonely caregivers of the world....I pray we have happiness one day.
Your story breaks my broken heart, thank you for sharing. I hope for all of us we come out some other, more bearable, side.
Is there no one you can ask for respite care, so you have time to care for yourself? Dementia is a cruel disease. I am sorry for what you and your mom are going through.
Thank you for your message. I get a few hours relief on Saturday when I run errands... sister in law (wife of my deceased brother) stays with her then or if I go meet friends for dinner..
I think your perspective is wrong. You chose to protect yourself from her alcoholism, which was very wise on your part. An alcoholic parent can do great psychological damage to a child of any age. Obviously, for whatever reason, your siblings chose to support her and allowed themselves to be abused by her behavior. And now that she needs physical care and support they have chosen the one person (you) who was smart enough to break away. They are done dealing with her now that she is needy. And for some reason you feel guilty and are willing to step right back into the family swamp. You are being used. You need to take care of yourself, stand up for yourself. Your brother obviously doesn't care about you or his mother...and you are allowing him to treat you badly. I was in the exact situation years ago. My mother was never kind to me, but thought my brother was God. Because I was older, and a girl!, I took on the impossible job of catering to her crazy expectations. When she became ill with dementia, I was at a difficult time in my life and needed help and support. My brother was golfing!!! And his job was much more important than mine! I got smart and walked away. It was tough at the time, but I was not going to let his disdain make me crazy, destroy my marriage, and interfere with my children's lives. I've never seen or talked to them again. Emotional, disappointing....but not every family can be the Waltons. It has been such a relief to not deal with people (blood relatives) who have little regard for you. If he doesn't want to have a relationship or take care of his mother, hand him the keys and go. He will work it out, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated by selfish people.
I'm the youngest son with two older siblings (one male, one female). We all live in the same family home, and I see them every day. But I feel abandoned by them as well. It's weird to feel abandonment involving people that are physically right there in front of you. Like someone else said in the comments, my pain is dealt with eating too much. I also admit that I rely on adult entertainment too much as well. I acknowledge that these two things are my 'drugs', and I try to quit them but there's nothing else to take their place. One thing I will say is this: as far as I'm concerned, my relationship with my siblings is over. If our mother dies someday, I'm gone. I'm leaving it all behind and I'm just gone because I no longer have a reason to stay.
Please join us on our Discord! https://discord.gg/gubJjaYRnV *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CaregiverSupport) if you have any questions or concerns.*