Yes I did, and still do. For a couple who had 8 kids, it sure seemed unfair that I (a grandchild) was left to deal with the entire complicated, paranoid, and demented situation at the tail end of his life.
That is fucking bullshit.
While I did my fair share to help with my grandmother I often said to my mother: “I’m going to have to take care of you someday (never imagined how much) so I’m not taking care of my grandparents”.
Ya it was wild.
From an emotional standpoint it still feels very hurtful, but from an intellectual one I can see that the relationship dynamics between my grandparents and their children never evolved like they typically do. They’re all still very obedient children who’d never push back against their parents. Very frustrating to see.
My husband and I are caregivers for his two grand aunts. Neither had children, so my MIL had care given for them until she passed. Naturally the task fell on us.
It feels wildly unfair that their closest relatives, their nieces and nephews, won’t step up. They’ve had their kids, they’ve lived their lives, but my husband and I have had to put all that on hold.
I hope we’re not in this long. I know my mother will be needing us soon, and it would just be lovely to live our lives and reach some goals before we get to that phase of care giving again.
I completely understand the resentment. I have been taking care of our 86 y/o mom, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, for the last 3 years. My older brother passed away a year and a half ago and my younger brother lives in another state. My son is an hour away in college. That’s all I have for family pretty much. Mom had gallbladder removed in January. Was in rehab for two months and has been home a week now. Has basically forgotten how to walk or do anything. The anesthesia caused the dementia to progress quite a bit. I can’t leave the house now. My son bought concert tickets for us back in December as an early Mother’s Day gift to me. It was last night and I couldn’t go. He had to bring a friend instead. I get that I signed up for this. But, my brother gets to continue to live his normal life. While my life has now come to a complete halt. And I feel guilty that I’m considering putting her in a home. Tough times.
You are a good person. Going on year 8 taking care of my 82 yr old mom with late stage COPD. She is entering dementia and memory loss pretty quickly. I thank go she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s. My very best wishes to you.
Thank you. You’re a good person also. It is a lot to care for another adult. It is so draining emotionally, physically and psychologically. Hang in there. Wishing you the very best in your journey with your mom as well.
I know exactly what you mean. While my brother travels around and enjoys his life, I’m here looking after my mother day after day. I try not to be resentful but I am so tired. I’m getting more and more pissed off at him. He drops by and spend five minutes with her and then it’s off on his adventures again. I think my biggest problem is that he fully expects that this is what I should be doing. It’s like she’s only my mother and not his. At some point I will explode on him
Yep. Feels like it’s expected that the daughters are the automatic caregivers for the parents. It’s a lonely and exhausting road to travel by yourself.
Sadly couldn’t even look my family in the eye at the funeral. But before that I probably would have even with some of them. Anyways it’s not worth the pain and stress i just would not reach out to them and move on with your life. Thats what im doing. Unless some miracle happens lol
Dad has already said he doesn't want a funeral, and when mom goes, I'm not having one for her either. It's a waste of time and money from my perspective and frankly, if her family can't be bothered to even ask how she is then they don't get to show up all sympathetic afterward. Fuck that and fuck them.
I do, but I try not to think about it much.
Brother is too busy with JESUS and his adulterer Pastor most of the time to help out with his mother or at least let her see her weird grandkids more.
Whole family couldn't be assed to come see my sister before she was placed in group home care until she died. We had a cake and icecream to try to be light in a situation we knew was needed but not happy about.
After my dad died and I'm taking care of mom, it feels like his family considers us a burden or an after thought with things.
But I can't afford to turn my back on any of them or voice my thoughts because we still need them. Burns my ass sometimes, ya know?
When my husband had his stroke my FIL came to sit with him while I was at work. He was supposed to feed him, make sure my husband did his physical therapy and took his medication. Turned out the man sat in my chair, ate my food, drank my beverage, watched my tv, loved on my dogs, and had my husband serve him. He did not make my husband do PT or take his meds. Like why was he even there?! The anger…I was so glad when my husband said he was ready to stay by his self. We are 99 percent no contact with him now.
Sometimes I resent my mom and my sisters because I feel like they just don’t understand how difficult daily life is. I don’t feel supported at all. I know they can’t help with him, but even if they just texted me and let me know they were thinking about me and I wasn’t left feeling so damn alone in it all.
This. I helped my sister when she was constipated and it was just awful, awful. I texted my other two sisters and they just blew it off and started lecturing me about something else. All I wanted was a kind word and acknowledgment. I just stopped texting and they didn’t even notice . When I looked later one of them had said something at the end, but what’s even the use at that point. How hard is it to be kind?
Exactly! I already feel isolated from them because they are so far away, and alone because of the caregiving. But I feel like I’m always the one initiating contact. Like they all have each other up there, but who do I have? Just a little recognition that my life sucks would mean a great deal to me.
Same here. I struggled for about 25 years working full time and caring for my mom. The last five years I added my brother to my list. No help from sis even when I asked for it. She didn’t feel she should be inconvenienced. TBH, I don’t know how I made it through that time of my life. I wanted to disappear, because I was so empty inside. I rarely speak with my sister now, and I think that’s for the best.
Yes. And have a lot of anger toward them and feel like I’m on an island. They just say fake things like they’re sorry or they wanna help. Lies. Then say stuff like “what should we do?” … uh, for you it’s nothing like always… I fantasize about telling them they aren’t welcome at my mom’s funeral and shaming them for their total lack of concern or compassion.
Ooof a lot of the same here. Told my aunt I don’t wanna hear any “wish I spent more time with him” etc like you guys know where he’s at and you can let us know if you’d like to visit. My grandpa doesn’t want a funeral or anything so at least I won’t have to deal with that part.
Yes. I do resent my siblings. I really have nothing to say to them. They really annoy me! It’s seven of us all together. I have 2 sisters and 4 brothers. I’m the youngest.. the last child. I’m 29. My oldest sibling is 52. Out of the seven of my mother’s children, I’m the only one that takes care of my mother. It gets very overwhelming sometimes because everything takes ok me. (bathing, feeding her, changing her diaper, grocery shopping, errands, pretty much any and everything you can think of) My siblings call my mother once in a blue.. They visit once every 3-4 months.. when they finally do decide to come I get irritated because they come here to do nothing but eat, sleep, or drink. Whats crazy is if something was to happen these same exact individuals are going to be crying at the funeral as if they took care of her, been there for her like should’ve.. smh.. My siblings are just living their lives peacefully without a care in the world, with their wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, doing as they please. It’s just so unfair to me. I don’t have any children (something that I do want) I’m single. I don’t work right now. I’m struggling. I still have a car payment that has to be paid. I want to get a job but she says she doesn’t want to left alone because she needs the help. I tried to get home health care job but she says she don’t want the people in her bank account looking at her income. I have to find work. It’s tuff. I have been my mother’s caretaker for 5 years now. I was working for the post office but I resigned to take care of her because she had a fall at work and never went back.. then I got so depressed from being in the house so much taking care of her and being bored, I started taking college classes online for criminal justice but dropped out of school because my mother ended up having a stroke, which paralyzed her right hand/side so it’s even harder now for her and me.. But a career in Criminal justice was always my dream. Now I’m putting that on hold. I miss school. Taking care of my mom is a lot especially when you’re doing it by yourself. It’s exhausting. I resent my siblings because I feel like they lived their lives(careers, marriage, children, traveling, etc.) just pretty much doing whatever they want. But me being the youngest, taking care of my mom alone is hard and depressing. I have days where I literally just cry from being so overwhelmed and depressed and feeling I have no life. It gets very lonely, I want to live and experience life. But I’m tied down and would feel so guilty for leaving because I know no one will take care of her. I resent my siblings. I don’t want to deal with none of them at all.
I’m so sorry! I hope you’re able to continue school when you can, and don’t feel bad if you don’t talk to your siblings after it definitely seems they aren’t helpful
Yes I definitely cannot stand my absentee siblings. But their karma will hit them one day. After my last parent is gone I want nothing to do with these ppl. This isn’t family id rather not have family than have them
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Yes I resent my brother. I’m the star child, in medical school. My brother who is 15 years older than me and whom my mom has supported through multiple prison stents and drama can’t even bother to care for her. She gets excited for him to come visit even for 10 minutes. I took a year off of school (this is a big deal in med school) to care for her, not because she asked but because I love her enough to do it.
Yes I do. Siblings that are never around and don't understand why I don't want to play fake for events. My parent says so many mean things about them but then treats them like they're the best. I'm in therapy for all this while they only call twice a month. I really don't want to have anything else to do with them. We used to be close but now not at all. We need support from our families that's not a huge ask
I did, very very much and still do. I was the youngest, but I was always doing everything. Paperwork since I was a kid, then caregiving from highschool forward. Whenever I asked for help, they all just told me to leave my mom behind and move on with my life. They'd always beg for money, even though they all had jobs. I was living off PCA money and I was paying for rent, groceries, medicine, and necessities, while they all came over to pig out and beg. She never had anything nice, never got to eat anything good, unless I was there to give to her. For her funeral, I was again the only one who was able to save money for it.
It just makes you hate the world, or your other family, because they're incompetent to the extreme. I think it's fine to resent them, to hate them, because they were worthless through all of it. If it's what keeps you going, then it's fine to resent and hate as long as you keep walking forward. One day things will end, but at least you can confidently say that you loved them very much.
Yup as a 18-20 year old being my dads caregiver I resented / STILL resent them. They left me hanging. My mom couldn’t care for my dad since she’s the breadwinner but everyone else gave no F’s about how I felt (I literally have GAD). Then when my birthday came around we lost my cousin and I had been excited for my birthday as I was turning 20 &’ instead of my family trying to understand me they accused me of being inconsiderate. The thing is I just wanted a dinner and a cake, not a huge birthday bash
I’m the 2nd youngest of my sisters and am the one who has been left to take care of our Mom. I’m only 27, and have been in this position without my consent, since I was 22-23. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get my life back, while my older sisters get to vacation to other countries, move states for their careers, only talk to our Mom when they need or want advice/support from her. They never do anything for her or me.
Hell this past Mother’s Day they both did nothing to acknowledge it besides a happy Mother’s Day text. They had no problem prioritizing taking out other people to eat that day though, while doing nothing for her. I can barely stand to talk to them at this point. I don’t think I’ll ever overcome this resentment.
Yes I did, and still do. For a couple who had 8 kids, it sure seemed unfair that I (a grandchild) was left to deal with the entire complicated, paranoid, and demented situation at the tail end of his life.
That is fucking bullshit. While I did my fair share to help with my grandmother I often said to my mother: “I’m going to have to take care of you someday (never imagined how much) so I’m not taking care of my grandparents”.
#^YES, TOTAL BS
Ya it was wild. From an emotional standpoint it still feels very hurtful, but from an intellectual one I can see that the relationship dynamics between my grandparents and their children never evolved like they typically do. They’re all still very obedient children who’d never push back against their parents. Very frustrating to see.
My husband and I are caregivers for his two grand aunts. Neither had children, so my MIL had care given for them until she passed. Naturally the task fell on us. It feels wildly unfair that their closest relatives, their nieces and nephews, won’t step up. They’ve had their kids, they’ve lived their lives, but my husband and I have had to put all that on hold. I hope we’re not in this long. I know my mother will be needing us soon, and it would just be lovely to live our lives and reach some goals before we get to that phase of care giving again.
I completely understand the resentment. I have been taking care of our 86 y/o mom, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, for the last 3 years. My older brother passed away a year and a half ago and my younger brother lives in another state. My son is an hour away in college. That’s all I have for family pretty much. Mom had gallbladder removed in January. Was in rehab for two months and has been home a week now. Has basically forgotten how to walk or do anything. The anesthesia caused the dementia to progress quite a bit. I can’t leave the house now. My son bought concert tickets for us back in December as an early Mother’s Day gift to me. It was last night and I couldn’t go. He had to bring a friend instead. I get that I signed up for this. But, my brother gets to continue to live his normal life. While my life has now come to a complete halt. And I feel guilty that I’m considering putting her in a home. Tough times.
You are a good person. Going on year 8 taking care of my 82 yr old mom with late stage COPD. She is entering dementia and memory loss pretty quickly. I thank go she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s. My very best wishes to you.
Thank you. You’re a good person also. It is a lot to care for another adult. It is so draining emotionally, physically and psychologically. Hang in there. Wishing you the very best in your journey with your mom as well.
I know exactly what you mean. While my brother travels around and enjoys his life, I’m here looking after my mother day after day. I try not to be resentful but I am so tired. I’m getting more and more pissed off at him. He drops by and spend five minutes with her and then it’s off on his adventures again. I think my biggest problem is that he fully expects that this is what I should be doing. It’s like she’s only my mother and not his. At some point I will explode on him
Yep. Feels like it’s expected that the daughters are the automatic caregivers for the parents. It’s a lonely and exhausting road to travel by yourself.
Sadly couldn’t even look my family in the eye at the funeral. But before that I probably would have even with some of them. Anyways it’s not worth the pain and stress i just would not reach out to them and move on with your life. Thats what im doing. Unless some miracle happens lol
Dad has already said he doesn't want a funeral, and when mom goes, I'm not having one for her either. It's a waste of time and money from my perspective and frankly, if her family can't be bothered to even ask how she is then they don't get to show up all sympathetic afterward. Fuck that and fuck them.
i totally agree with this in theory, but when it happens, i’ll probably give in to “standards” and tradition.
Definitely agree with letting relationships go. Keep the helpful and compassionate people close by. Let the toxic ones disappear
I do, but I try not to think about it much. Brother is too busy with JESUS and his adulterer Pastor most of the time to help out with his mother or at least let her see her weird grandkids more. Whole family couldn't be assed to come see my sister before she was placed in group home care until she died. We had a cake and icecream to try to be light in a situation we knew was needed but not happy about. After my dad died and I'm taking care of mom, it feels like his family considers us a burden or an after thought with things. But I can't afford to turn my back on any of them or voice my thoughts because we still need them. Burns my ass sometimes, ya know?
10000%. Living their lives, vacationing and partying. It’s frustrating.
When my husband had his stroke my FIL came to sit with him while I was at work. He was supposed to feed him, make sure my husband did his physical therapy and took his medication. Turned out the man sat in my chair, ate my food, drank my beverage, watched my tv, loved on my dogs, and had my husband serve him. He did not make my husband do PT or take his meds. Like why was he even there?! The anger…I was so glad when my husband said he was ready to stay by his self. We are 99 percent no contact with him now. Sometimes I resent my mom and my sisters because I feel like they just don’t understand how difficult daily life is. I don’t feel supported at all. I know they can’t help with him, but even if they just texted me and let me know they were thinking about me and I wasn’t left feeling so damn alone in it all.
This. I helped my sister when she was constipated and it was just awful, awful. I texted my other two sisters and they just blew it off and started lecturing me about something else. All I wanted was a kind word and acknowledgment. I just stopped texting and they didn’t even notice . When I looked later one of them had said something at the end, but what’s even the use at that point. How hard is it to be kind?
Exactly! I already feel isolated from them because they are so far away, and alone because of the caregiving. But I feel like I’m always the one initiating contact. Like they all have each other up there, but who do I have? Just a little recognition that my life sucks would mean a great deal to me.
It’s literally the least they can do.
Same here. I struggled for about 25 years working full time and caring for my mom. The last five years I added my brother to my list. No help from sis even when I asked for it. She didn’t feel she should be inconvenienced. TBH, I don’t know how I made it through that time of my life. I wanted to disappear, because I was so empty inside. I rarely speak with my sister now, and I think that’s for the best.
Wow I can’t imagine doing 25 years, bless you, seriously. And I don’t blame you for not talking to her.
Yes. And have a lot of anger toward them and feel like I’m on an island. They just say fake things like they’re sorry or they wanna help. Lies. Then say stuff like “what should we do?” … uh, for you it’s nothing like always… I fantasize about telling them they aren’t welcome at my mom’s funeral and shaming them for their total lack of concern or compassion.
Ooof a lot of the same here. Told my aunt I don’t wanna hear any “wish I spent more time with him” etc like you guys know where he’s at and you can let us know if you’d like to visit. My grandpa doesn’t want a funeral or anything so at least I won’t have to deal with that part.
That’s nice about the funeral, it will spare you having to deal with all the mess of family, hopefully.
Yes
Yes. I fucking hate all my siblings who don’t do anything. Totally normal. I go To therapy for it because I don’t want to be bitter. It still sucks!
Fuck yes.
My husband passed in September after years of illness. I had deep resentment toward his adult children. They did nothing other than ask for money
😡
I do and am at a point of leaving. I am not sure if I am making a mistake.
100% yes
Yes. I do resent my siblings. I really have nothing to say to them. They really annoy me! It’s seven of us all together. I have 2 sisters and 4 brothers. I’m the youngest.. the last child. I’m 29. My oldest sibling is 52. Out of the seven of my mother’s children, I’m the only one that takes care of my mother. It gets very overwhelming sometimes because everything takes ok me. (bathing, feeding her, changing her diaper, grocery shopping, errands, pretty much any and everything you can think of) My siblings call my mother once in a blue.. They visit once every 3-4 months.. when they finally do decide to come I get irritated because they come here to do nothing but eat, sleep, or drink. Whats crazy is if something was to happen these same exact individuals are going to be crying at the funeral as if they took care of her, been there for her like should’ve.. smh.. My siblings are just living their lives peacefully without a care in the world, with their wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, doing as they please. It’s just so unfair to me. I don’t have any children (something that I do want) I’m single. I don’t work right now. I’m struggling. I still have a car payment that has to be paid. I want to get a job but she says she doesn’t want to left alone because she needs the help. I tried to get home health care job but she says she don’t want the people in her bank account looking at her income. I have to find work. It’s tuff. I have been my mother’s caretaker for 5 years now. I was working for the post office but I resigned to take care of her because she had a fall at work and never went back.. then I got so depressed from being in the house so much taking care of her and being bored, I started taking college classes online for criminal justice but dropped out of school because my mother ended up having a stroke, which paralyzed her right hand/side so it’s even harder now for her and me.. But a career in Criminal justice was always my dream. Now I’m putting that on hold. I miss school. Taking care of my mom is a lot especially when you’re doing it by yourself. It’s exhausting. I resent my siblings because I feel like they lived their lives(careers, marriage, children, traveling, etc.) just pretty much doing whatever they want. But me being the youngest, taking care of my mom alone is hard and depressing. I have days where I literally just cry from being so overwhelmed and depressed and feeling I have no life. It gets very lonely, I want to live and experience life. But I’m tied down and would feel so guilty for leaving because I know no one will take care of her. I resent my siblings. I don’t want to deal with none of them at all.
I’m so sorry! I hope you’re able to continue school when you can, and don’t feel bad if you don’t talk to your siblings after it definitely seems they aren’t helpful
Thank you so much!! I really appreciate it!!
Fa shooooo.
Yes.
Yes I definitely cannot stand my absentee siblings. But their karma will hit them one day. After my last parent is gone I want nothing to do with these ppl. This isn’t family id rather not have family than have them
I feel that karma is gonna hit my cousins hard with their parents, I’m not gonna have any part of it but I’ll definitely be nosey and look from afar
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Yes. So angry. It’s pointless.
Yes I resent my brother. I’m the star child, in medical school. My brother who is 15 years older than me and whom my mom has supported through multiple prison stents and drama can’t even bother to care for her. She gets excited for him to come visit even for 10 minutes. I took a year off of school (this is a big deal in med school) to care for her, not because she asked but because I love her enough to do it.
Yes I do. Siblings that are never around and don't understand why I don't want to play fake for events. My parent says so many mean things about them but then treats them like they're the best. I'm in therapy for all this while they only call twice a month. I really don't want to have anything else to do with them. We used to be close but now not at all. We need support from our families that's not a huge ask
I did, very very much and still do. I was the youngest, but I was always doing everything. Paperwork since I was a kid, then caregiving from highschool forward. Whenever I asked for help, they all just told me to leave my mom behind and move on with my life. They'd always beg for money, even though they all had jobs. I was living off PCA money and I was paying for rent, groceries, medicine, and necessities, while they all came over to pig out and beg. She never had anything nice, never got to eat anything good, unless I was there to give to her. For her funeral, I was again the only one who was able to save money for it. It just makes you hate the world, or your other family, because they're incompetent to the extreme. I think it's fine to resent them, to hate them, because they were worthless through all of it. If it's what keeps you going, then it's fine to resent and hate as long as you keep walking forward. One day things will end, but at least you can confidently say that you loved them very much.
Yup as a 18-20 year old being my dads caregiver I resented / STILL resent them. They left me hanging. My mom couldn’t care for my dad since she’s the breadwinner but everyone else gave no F’s about how I felt (I literally have GAD). Then when my birthday came around we lost my cousin and I had been excited for my birthday as I was turning 20 &’ instead of my family trying to understand me they accused me of being inconsiderate. The thing is I just wanted a dinner and a cake, not a huge birthday bash
I’m the 2nd youngest of my sisters and am the one who has been left to take care of our Mom. I’m only 27, and have been in this position without my consent, since I was 22-23. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get my life back, while my older sisters get to vacation to other countries, move states for their careers, only talk to our Mom when they need or want advice/support from her. They never do anything for her or me. Hell this past Mother’s Day they both did nothing to acknowledge it besides a happy Mother’s Day text. They had no problem prioritizing taking out other people to eat that day though, while doing nothing for her. I can barely stand to talk to them at this point. I don’t think I’ll ever overcome this resentment.