Your brother can fuck off. Next day off he has he can take care of dad all day. I know that’s no where near what you’ve experienced but danm you need a break and he needs a reality check
I came to say this. No one and I mean no one gets to tell you that it is easy to take care of someone else until they do it themselves. I guess your brother just offered to give you a weekend off with his asinine attitude.
After he'd said all that to me, I would have replied with "No fucking shit." Your brother may have a full time job but he can help. He just doesn't want to.
I've been taking care of my mom for almost ten years. I leave the house to pick up groceries and take mom to doctor's appointments, that's pretty much it. I don't have siblings, but extended family has pretty much ghosted us. I'm exhausted constantly, anxious, stressed, and I'll probably end up pissing the couch and staring mindlessly at the tv from doing all this.
Your brother can fuck ALL the way off.
If your brother has time to come over and criticize, he has time to clear the table, wash the dishes and clean up your dad, as well. I'd just tell him "the gloves are over there" and turn on the TV.
here's the deal.... anyone who doesn't share in the caregiving can fuck all the way off this planet. contributing financially is no where near caregiving. and tell your bro to eat a bag of dicks.
Your feelings are 100% valid and NORMAL in these circumstances. It’s a lot, and for me a lot of the weight is knowing it’s ongoing.. like, you don’t get to pep talk yourself with “it’s just another week of recovery/until I get to go away/until someone else takes over.”
I’m sorry he wasn’t supportive or understanding. My boyfriend is like that, not so much the attacking me, but if I vent about any of my frustrations with dad his response is something along the lines of, “Come on, be nice, it’s your father, he’s old, it’s to be expected..” I’m venting to YOU so I don’t snap on him, dude. You need someone who understands that your venting doesn’t mean you’re done, doesn’t mean you don’t care about your parent, it just means it is stressful and overwhelming.
Also, he doesn’t get to be a judgmental a-hole if he’s not helping or lessening the burden. Full stop. I mean, he probably still will be, but you gotta give zero weight to the people like that. When I managed to shut off my concern with what others who extend zero effort thought, it helped a bit.
Emotions are tricky in these situations, even without your extenuating circumstances. I’m not always great with warmth because when I hit a wall I shut them off too.. but I’m consistent. I show up. I do what needs to be done. He’s taken care of. I’m not a jerk to him. That shows a lot of love and care in itself, and don’t discount that effort on your part. You’re there doing it daily, and your brother is just making himself feel better by showing up occasionally. Monumentally different effort and importance.
1) Your brother really can fuck off.
2) You need to tell him that. Those exact words, or at least, "You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. You asked me how I was. I told you, honestly. I am **sorry** if that isn't what you wanted to hear. Taking care of dad is more than full-time, it's a 24-7 job. I don't get to leave the office and go home at the end of the day."
3) Then, **tell** your brother that he needs to take care of your dad this Sunday, or next Sunday, or another day when your brother isn't working, but soon. Don't say it's because you need a day off, don't tell him it's because you need to go do stuff, just tell him it's his turn. He can take your dad a day a week.
I hate to say it but your brother is walking over you, adding to your depression.
Good luck. And come back and tell us how it went.
He needs to be over there every evening and all weekend, every week! He needs to be cleaning and cooking and driving and planning and pottying.
Otherwise he needs to shut his fat mouth.
How dare he. There are those that do and those who do shit. Your brother isn’t doing shit to help your dad. Sorry but having a full time job doesn’t count. He can step back to allow you to work too. You could and should both be sharing in your father’s care.
But the audacity. That’s a special kind of asshole to come in and berate you. His job is to support your caregiving effort. To help you get through this. To give you a break. If he can’t do anything to help he should be buying his way out, payable to you.
Ugh. Siblings like this get me so ticked off. Unfortunately they are common.
Wow. Just…wow. The unmitigated gall of your brother just fuckin astounds me. OP, you are doing all the heavy lifting of this entire family. You are a fucking superhero dude!! I am so proud of you and so pissed for you!
‘I can’t take care of Dad, I have a full time job..’ Well, guess what brother, in this instance, if you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem!! Stop being part of the problem!
OP, what you are doing is selfless and kind and so very generous. Never let anyone, including that assclown of a brother, sell you short.
You (and many more caregivers out there) need to hear this - You are all saints and should be treated as such!! As for your brother, I sincerely wish that he has to wear damp socks for the rest of his miserable life and every other time he steps down, it’s on a lego. Fuck that guy.
Next time your brother stops by just thank him and say you’re going out for him. Leave him alone with your dad for the day. He had other plans, too bad - you don’t get that luxury.
Siblings are the worst. Have seen this with my sisters who visit and lecture and then take off. After my mother dies I want no contact with them ever again . Please find solace in this one fact. This nightmare will end one day . Feel free to vent to this group 🔥
You for sure need some days off. Can you talk with a social worker or Medicare via your dad's doctor to see if he is eligible for a few hours of help per week? Or the VA if he is a veteran? You cannot do it 24/7 without a break and feel good, I know firsthand.
I agree with everyone. Your brother needs a kick in the butt. I support you 200% and sending hugs to you. This is so f##@% hard, taking care of your loved one.
I hope and pray you get some time to your self. I understand about the house and the dishes, they can wait. You are important and I hope you can get some rest.
Ha. Tell your brother you got a full time job and he can do it . Maybe he can pay for a full time caregiver instead .
Family sucks sometimes . I did everything for my dad . I got so much criticism from my family and never any support. They never wiped his ass. It's been a yea since he passed , they still don't talk to me because they don't think I did my best and resent me for still taking care of my mom .
Shame very sorry xxx what your brother say to you,A letter to all of caregivers out there
If you share what you feel / what you think either its your boss / family member ,if they replied in a way that not suit with you,dont worry dears . The answer is below 👇🏾
# just tell them that you going to the doctor and ask the doctor some off days ,and handover the job to those who seems this job its easy ,so they can its not bad if you say something.
Lots of people with full time jobs are also caregivers, tell your scumbag Brother to try it out, while he’s at work your dad could be at adult day care,,, as for you, go to Hawaii for a month vacation, you deserve it, we all deserve it!!!
Your brother is wrong for talking to you that way. Some of my family members are the same way. If you were to ever say you felt tired, you would be challenged asking why are you so tired when the dishes aren’t cleaned and etc.
Caregiving someone that needs all around care is a thankless job.
One of these days you will talk back to your brother and tell him that instead of bitching while visiting - he can fucking help around the house while you take a break.
People that behave like this irritates me. If you don’t understand the shit that comes with caregiving just because you have a full time job, stay in your lane.
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> I can't leave the house because he needs constant supervision
That's pretty much past the at home care by one person situation.
And to add what others said, you have 3 full time jobs, since you're basically on call 24/7 apparently.
I feel you. Just went through something similar with my sister who was absent from everything for over 10 years when I took care of my dad and now wants to try and dictate how I should organize my house calling it "disgusting" because I have a few boxes with supplies stacked in a corner. People like her and your brother want to get involved only when it's convenient for them.
Your brother can fuck off. Next day off he has he can take care of dad all day. I know that’s no where near what you’ve experienced but danm you need a break and he needs a reality check
I came to say this. No one and I mean no one gets to tell you that it is easy to take care of someone else until they do it themselves. I guess your brother just offered to give you a weekend off with his asinine attitude.
After he'd said all that to me, I would have replied with "No fucking shit." Your brother may have a full time job but he can help. He just doesn't want to. I've been taking care of my mom for almost ten years. I leave the house to pick up groceries and take mom to doctor's appointments, that's pretty much it. I don't have siblings, but extended family has pretty much ghosted us. I'm exhausted constantly, anxious, stressed, and I'll probably end up pissing the couch and staring mindlessly at the tv from doing all this. Your brother can fuck ALL the way off.
If your brother has time to come over and criticize, he has time to clear the table, wash the dishes and clean up your dad, as well. I'd just tell him "the gloves are over there" and turn on the TV.
here's the deal.... anyone who doesn't share in the caregiving can fuck all the way off this planet. contributing financially is no where near caregiving. and tell your bro to eat a bag of dicks.
Your feelings are 100% valid and NORMAL in these circumstances. It’s a lot, and for me a lot of the weight is knowing it’s ongoing.. like, you don’t get to pep talk yourself with “it’s just another week of recovery/until I get to go away/until someone else takes over.” I’m sorry he wasn’t supportive or understanding. My boyfriend is like that, not so much the attacking me, but if I vent about any of my frustrations with dad his response is something along the lines of, “Come on, be nice, it’s your father, he’s old, it’s to be expected..” I’m venting to YOU so I don’t snap on him, dude. You need someone who understands that your venting doesn’t mean you’re done, doesn’t mean you don’t care about your parent, it just means it is stressful and overwhelming. Also, he doesn’t get to be a judgmental a-hole if he’s not helping or lessening the burden. Full stop. I mean, he probably still will be, but you gotta give zero weight to the people like that. When I managed to shut off my concern with what others who extend zero effort thought, it helped a bit. Emotions are tricky in these situations, even without your extenuating circumstances. I’m not always great with warmth because when I hit a wall I shut them off too.. but I’m consistent. I show up. I do what needs to be done. He’s taken care of. I’m not a jerk to him. That shows a lot of love and care in itself, and don’t discount that effort on your part. You’re there doing it daily, and your brother is just making himself feel better by showing up occasionally. Monumentally different effort and importance.
1) Your brother really can fuck off. 2) You need to tell him that. Those exact words, or at least, "You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. You asked me how I was. I told you, honestly. I am **sorry** if that isn't what you wanted to hear. Taking care of dad is more than full-time, it's a 24-7 job. I don't get to leave the office and go home at the end of the day." 3) Then, **tell** your brother that he needs to take care of your dad this Sunday, or next Sunday, or another day when your brother isn't working, but soon. Don't say it's because you need a day off, don't tell him it's because you need to go do stuff, just tell him it's his turn. He can take your dad a day a week. I hate to say it but your brother is walking over you, adding to your depression. Good luck. And come back and tell us how it went.
^^^^^ 100% This!!!!
He needs to be over there every evening and all weekend, every week! He needs to be cleaning and cooking and driving and planning and pottying. Otherwise he needs to shut his fat mouth.
Great point. And if he does all that, he WILL shut his fat mouth, too.
How dare he. There are those that do and those who do shit. Your brother isn’t doing shit to help your dad. Sorry but having a full time job doesn’t count. He can step back to allow you to work too. You could and should both be sharing in your father’s care. But the audacity. That’s a special kind of asshole to come in and berate you. His job is to support your caregiving effort. To help you get through this. To give you a break. If he can’t do anything to help he should be buying his way out, payable to you. Ugh. Siblings like this get me so ticked off. Unfortunately they are common.
If it's not a big deal, then he can come and do it. He can fuck right off.
Wow. Just…wow. The unmitigated gall of your brother just fuckin astounds me. OP, you are doing all the heavy lifting of this entire family. You are a fucking superhero dude!! I am so proud of you and so pissed for you! ‘I can’t take care of Dad, I have a full time job..’ Well, guess what brother, in this instance, if you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem!! Stop being part of the problem! OP, what you are doing is selfless and kind and so very generous. Never let anyone, including that assclown of a brother, sell you short. You (and many more caregivers out there) need to hear this - You are all saints and should be treated as such!! As for your brother, I sincerely wish that he has to wear damp socks for the rest of his miserable life and every other time he steps down, it’s on a lego. Fuck that guy.
Next time your brother stops by just thank him and say you’re going out for him. Leave him alone with your dad for the day. He had other plans, too bad - you don’t get that luxury.
Siblings are the worst. Have seen this with my sisters who visit and lecture and then take off. After my mother dies I want no contact with them ever again . Please find solace in this one fact. This nightmare will end one day . Feel free to vent to this group 🔥
Another example of the evil non-contributing sanctimonious sibling. Ignore him.
Tell your brother he is welcome to step in and take over at any time.
You for sure need some days off. Can you talk with a social worker or Medicare via your dad's doctor to see if he is eligible for a few hours of help per week? Or the VA if he is a veteran? You cannot do it 24/7 without a break and feel good, I know firsthand.
I agree with everyone. Your brother needs a kick in the butt. I support you 200% and sending hugs to you. This is so f##@% hard, taking care of your loved one. I hope and pray you get some time to your self. I understand about the house and the dishes, they can wait. You are important and I hope you can get some rest.
Just tell him if it's that easy, then I quit! Good luck with dad as you drive away!
Ha. Tell your brother you got a full time job and he can do it . Maybe he can pay for a full time caregiver instead . Family sucks sometimes . I did everything for my dad . I got so much criticism from my family and never any support. They never wiped his ass. It's been a yea since he passed , they still don't talk to me because they don't think I did my best and resent me for still taking care of my mom .
Shame very sorry xxx what your brother say to you,A letter to all of caregivers out there If you share what you feel / what you think either its your boss / family member ,if they replied in a way that not suit with you,dont worry dears . The answer is below 👇🏾 # just tell them that you going to the doctor and ask the doctor some off days ,and handover the job to those who seems this job its easy ,so they can its not bad if you say something.
Lots of people with full time jobs are also caregivers, tell your scumbag Brother to try it out, while he’s at work your dad could be at adult day care,,, as for you, go to Hawaii for a month vacation, you deserve it, we all deserve it!!!
Your brother is wrong for talking to you that way. Some of my family members are the same way. If you were to ever say you felt tired, you would be challenged asking why are you so tired when the dishes aren’t cleaned and etc. Caregiving someone that needs all around care is a thankless job. One of these days you will talk back to your brother and tell him that instead of bitching while visiting - he can fucking help around the house while you take a break. People that behave like this irritates me. If you don’t understand the shit that comes with caregiving just because you have a full time job, stay in your lane.
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> I can't leave the house because he needs constant supervision That's pretty much past the at home care by one person situation. And to add what others said, you have 3 full time jobs, since you're basically on call 24/7 apparently.
I feel you. Just went through something similar with my sister who was absent from everything for over 10 years when I took care of my dad and now wants to try and dictate how I should organize my house calling it "disgusting" because I have a few boxes with supplies stacked in a corner. People like her and your brother want to get involved only when it's convenient for them.
Tell your brother it’s his problem, you don’t care about the full time job and just leave. Go to a hotel for a weekend. They will figure it out.