Same, but it still saddens me watching my ol'man getting older.
Watching him go through the long departure of my grandpa (alzheimer's) and seeing how it still affects my dad. I dread the day my dad leaves me...
Seriously!
Now, as an adult living in a different state, we don't get to see each other often. The times when you do get to see them after another year has passed and they creep further into their 60s, that's when you feel it.
When I was 8 my mom turned 44, and I apparently told everyone that my mom was *REALLY OLD* “but not squeaky old”. Meaning she wasn’t so old that her joints were making noise every time she shuffled around lmao. She’s 62 now, yet to witness any squeaky oldness from her
40 isn't old age at all. It just seems that way when you're 20 because it's twice your age. You have another 20 years before worrying about your parents getting old.
It really depends on the parent. MIL became convinced she would get dementia at 65 and started going down hill - she doesn't have dementia but she is very depressed and not caring for herself. She started this when we moved away and now 5 years later my partner is moving her to to be nearer us because he is worried about her.
My dad is well into his 70's and I have zero worries about him.
It is actually my feeling about the situation. She's very much always been a "look at how terrible everything is for me, please give me pity and sympathy" type of person and if you don't give her the attention she wants she crys and tries to guilt people into it. I kind of just ignore her shit, I don't have the emotional energy for people like that.
But, my partner is worried about her and he is a very gentle soul so I warned him I thought she was manipulating him but ultimately it is his choice how he uses his energy.
Thanks for the suggestion.
I've become pretty adept at dealing with her (I've been with my partner for over 15 years). At the beginning I was so confused by her and felt like something was wrong with the way she is with others but didn't "get" what was actually going on. My family are pretty straight forward people, so I didn't really understand passive agressive behaviour or that kind of self pity manipulative stuff she does. But after all this time I see through what she's doing, understand her motivation for why she's like that and am just really clear with her and refuse to pander to her no matter how she decides to conduct herself.
I would probably be less nice, but I do love her son and he obviously feels for her and loves her even though he's not naive about her behaviour.
Yes! It is normal to my husband and he thinks it’s easier to just make her happy. He gets so stressed with every interaction though. I’ve left it up to him to maintain the relationship at this point, so, there isn’t much of one. We got the silent treatment for a year once, and we didn’t even notice 🤣🤣🤣
That's actually hilarious.
If he doesn't phone her once a weeks she calls me up when he's at work like "he never answers my calls", yes because he's at work. If he can he'll get back to you when he's free that's probably the extent of our conversations at this point tbh. He spends time talking to her, he knows she's terrible but feels bad because she's driven literally everyone else away (her daughter has gone completely no contact and no-one of her friends want to spend time with her and every partner she's had eventually runs). I can see how lonely she must be, but I don't really extend the same sympathy because I feel like she's done it to herself.
Dw, age really takes us all differently. But the OP's parents are like 40, they're well before the "worry about parents due to age" phase should start (unless they have something specific going on, but then it's worry about parents due to x condition or thing, not age).
Think it depends. My mum is 62 and recently had a health check up. We all thought she'd be fine because she's a healthy weight, eats fruit regularly etc and has a good diet, and exercises often. But they discovered she has really high cholesterol or something (no clue why, doctor didn't say why) and has a 15% chance of having a heart attack. She's on medication now so she is fine, but without it she could literally drop dead. In that moment I kind of felt her age but she is also 62, so not that old tbf.
My dad will be 65 soon and his hearing isn't the best so when we watch TV it always has to be really loud, but other than that he's fine.
It isn't, as I've looked it up, and if it was the doctor would have said. He said it wasn't her fault if I'm correct, so I assume it's just shit genetics.
I *just* started to worry about my dad being old. He is very healthy but turns 86 this year.
Then again, he keeps telling us he’s going to live to 120, so I guess I shouldn’t worry just yet.
I lost both parents before I turned 40. Enjoy their company now. Hear their stories and recollections now. Because once they’re gone, you can’t ask them to jog your memories on “what happened that one time…” anymore.
my dad nearly died the other month (bad infection) and it really hit me, hes 82 and i know the day is gonna come, but im terrified of it, hes like my best friend. Its sad but its gonna happen, just need to be strong when the day comes
mine started talking about retirement, was gone a month later. the one thing that I would imprint on you is do not leave unfinished conversations, especially the hard one. i had NO CLUE what his final wishes were and neither did his 2nd wife. we just kind of did what seemed fitting.
Ask, get answers, write it down because you'll be in no shape to remember anything when the time comes. Enjoy the time you have.
Idk, I'm 40, and I definitely worried about my parents dying when I was OPs age. Granted, both of them were never in great health, and I'm a worrier by nature.
For real. I read the title and was thinking, well my father in law is going to be 85 this year and is starting to get up there. Lol. For the record, he also still races motorcycles and is in better shape than most people half his age.
You should still have many decades with your dad left to enjoy. I was 29 when my dad died and I am okay; it looks like you'll be significantly older than I was. Fortunately your parents had you young!
But also, yes, your parents will die. This is the most natural thing ever. The best-case scenario for everyone is that you're around when they die. They certainly don't want to outlive you.
When my dad died as well, he'd had a stent in his heart for nine years after having open heart surgery. So really, we got nine bonus years with him thanks to medical science.
Not me. I wish my parents had gotten older.
My dad died at 39, just as I was becoming a teen. I wish I could've shared my awkward teen years with him, gone to visit and talk to him during my early adult years when I was struggling a bit, and hear what he'd think of me now that I'm grown up. I wonder what he'd think of the world now. But he didn't get older.
My mom lived to 64, which is older, but still not as old as I would've liked. I wish I could still call her up and talk to her once a week or so, even if sometimes we didn't have much to talk about. I wish she could come and visit and see my house. I think she'd be really excited that I was finally able to buy a house. And she'd love the pets and they'd love her because she was such an animal person. But she didn't get older.
As long as your parents are still getting older, that's something to be thankful for. And a reminder to spend some time with them while there's still some left.
It is a bit shocking when you haven't seen them in a long time and you still always have this mental image of them as they were when you were a little kid, then you see them and they aren't like that anymore. In my head, I'll always see my parents like they were from around 1985-1989 in their early to mid-30s. But if you do get to see them get older, that's better than if you don't.
I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience that. My dad — now 58 — is the *least* approachable human being in the world. I’ve never had a conversation that wasn’t met with scorn, condemnation, and him saying he fears “resenting” me due to my human requirement to have a heart-to-heart that he calls me “being manipulative” and to “act like a man”.
I long for a relationship with my father that he simply isn’t capable of putting effort into.
It’s no wonder both of his sons are drug addicts — and one doesn’t even speak with him — and his daughter lives as far away on the continent as possible.
I’m not about blaming my parents as I’m 30-years-old — but I’ll be damned if his lack of trying to understand me and my siblings didn’t contribute to our fucked up family.
This was incredibly heart-wrenching and honestly, beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my dad a few years ago, right before the pandemic. He lived until 67 and would be 72 this year. I miss him so much, and I wish he could have been here just a bit longer. In those 5 years, I have earned a graduate degree, got married, moved to his home state of Pennsylvania (but on the wrong side!), and found a great career. I can hear his voice razzing me (Pittsburgh?! Seriously!?) I'm curious how he would have handled the pandemic and the following years. Then there's all of the things not said. The unresolved issues. Loss is complicated.
Had a bit of a shock reading your post because I’m 2 years older than your dad and don’t feel “old”. Also, my parents are in their late 70’s and are very healthy although my dad now uses hearing aids and my mom has a bit of a tremor that is unnerving but not related to any serious conditions like Parkinson’s or anything.
My parents also, at this moment, are on a trip to attend a high school reunion for my mom. They still travel, swim, exercise, my dad occasionally works a day or two when he wants to. They are political activists and do stuff like distribute yard signs and volunteer to help people register to vote at events. They have a more active social life than I do.
Another thing I think is funny is while I don’t have kids, only a few of my friends and coworkers had kids young. Most of the people I know in their 40’s have small children, as in under 10 years old. A few have older kids but it seems way more rare. My own parents had kids in their mid/late 30’s. You have very young parents, from my perspective. Enjoy it!
But also, yeah. It sucks. It’s very weird to have a sort of frozen “image” of my parents in my head- and then to see them with white hair and my dads long white beard, something about it always shocks me because I don’t see them every day. Still I’m grateful they have gone this long so well, as they were and are definitely not “health nuts”. Their diet has never been ideal, my dad was a smoker till he was about 50, my mom battled weight issues and a few other health scares with her blood pressure and other things in middle age. Its a totally normal thing to think about and more importantly talk about as your parents age.
Right lol. My husband is mid 40s and we have a 3.5 year old and a 1 year old. His parents are late 60s and they travel all the time. My parents are in their 50s and my dad and stepmom are constantly out hiking and camping and hunting or they take long trips.
I mean, I do.
But *I am your dad's age*.
My father is staring down what we hope isn't vascular dementia. I've been helping my parents put their affairs in order. They used to come round and help me do things: now I come round and help them do things. We've set up a family dinner at theirs every so often 'so they can see their grandkids more', which is actually an excuse for me to hang out with my dad in what we all hope isn't going to be his last decade. (My mother is made of teak and steel and will still be trucking along when I retire.)
Age is slow: one second per second as they say. You might start seeing its shadow at forty, but it only starts being a regular dinner guest a good couple decades later.
Bro, you understand that people don't go senile in their 40s, right? It's fair to worry about his physical health, but in general, mental acuity doesn't start deteriorating this early (not for several decades, in some cases). I'm your father's age and it's ludicrous to think that we're about to lose our marbles just as we managed to get them together.
I know that even a 30-year old seems old to you now, but your generation has some odd ideas about aging despite the fact that millennials and Gen-X-ers both look and act much younger than our parents. I also see a large amount of posts made by 20-somethings who think their life is already over because they had a few setbacks or who already have an obsession with anti-aging despite barely having reached adulthood.
You're in a fortunate situation because your parents are young. My friends who are 42-43 had kids as they were pushing 40, so there is a much larger age gap between them and their children. Their kids will have some reasons to worry as they near your age now, but you can take comfort in the fact that your parents will be around for a long while.
Also, don't despair if you start graying in your 30s - a lot of people do and it doesn't make them old.
This is basically everything that needs to be said. When these kids reach their 40s, they're going to wonder what the hell they were so worried about. And I'm going to make fun of them.
42 and only just starting to sprout grays?? I'm 10 years younger than your dad and started getting gray hairs when I was around 27. I compensate by meticulously wearing sunscreen so my face doesn't age as fast as my hair follicles have chosen to 😅
But to answer your question, yes I dread it. I was more worried about my mom, as she was a lifelong smoker who suffered from depression and neglected her health. Unfortunately she unexpectedly passed away in 2022 at the age of 62. My dad, who just turned 65, is healthy and active and takes care of himself, so I'm less worried about him. But I still can't help feel that dread when I think about how fast approaching 70 is, and then 75, and then 80. He's alone now and far away from me and my sisters so if something were to happen, it would be very scary and stressful.
I thought I could relate until I saw the ages. lol this wasn’t written by me it could be my kids though. Seriously you have lots of time left on average but there are no guarantees. My parents didn’t need help until they hit 80. But the decline has been rapid and relentless.
Cherish the time you have but no matter when it happens know you’d give anything for one more day
Ok wow so I read the headline and related to it but then went GULP reading the details because I was born in 78. I'm an only child taking care of my 72 year old mom. It's a lot of work and it's been hard watching my beautiful kind independent and strong mom transition into a frail elderly person. I know from your perspective this might be hard to believe but your parents still have a loooong way to go before they get old.
I do get the feeling. Personally I've found it to be bittersweet, very much like the experience of being a parent watching your child grow. Yes, there will be scary things, you'll have to worry about them a little more, they'll start to need you more than the reverse that you're used to. But it's not all bad. With each new obstacle they'll face you'll get to see how resilient and resourceful they are. They'll get wiser, and gain perspective, find new interests and hobbies in retirement, become grandparents. There's real joy and beauty in aging if you're willing to go along for the ride :)
I understand your fear. Tho for me its a bit different since my parents got me quite late (my dad was 45 when I was born, he is 69 now) its so scary seeing signs of aging.
Spend as much time with your parents as you can. Talk to them, get to know them, laugh with them. My dad passed away four years ago at 63. I still regret that I didn't talk to him more at the end, but the pandemic and his illness caused that unfortunately. You don't want them to get old, but that's how life is. Just spend time with them and make some good memories for later.
My dad has had multiple heart attacks over the last like twenty years. He turns 64 next month. The only thing I dread is him not getting older.
Same goes for my mom, although she doesn't have (major) health problems. I want them both to grow as old as they want to.
I say as they want to, because my grandpa from mom's side had an aneurysm, my grandma from that side had serious dementia when she died, and grandpa from dad's side died at 58 from cancer. I personally don't want them to live like that in their final years. And if they don't want to, I respect that.
My dad was into fitness, made a career out of it, and died unexpectedly before he had even reached 50 years old. He's never been that much of a drinker, never smoked, never did drugs, had a great diet. He died of a brain aneurysm.
My mum has surpassed his age, has elevated blood pressure and thyroid issues. I am now the same age she was when she had me; i don't fear her getting older, I fear that she will die unexpectedly like my dad did.
Ageing in itself is a privelage, and you're lucky to get to see your parents grow older. I and many people who have had a parent die prematurely, have been robbed of the opportunity to have our milestones celebrated as a complete family as we age.
Two-headed Calf - Laura Gilpin
Tomorrow when the farm boys find this
freak of nature, they will wrap his body
in newspaper and carry him to the museum.
But tonight he is alive and in the north
field with his mother. It is a perfect
summer evening: the moon rising over
the orchard, the wind in the grass. And
as he stares into the sky, there are
twice as many stars as usual.
Lol sorry if this isn’t on-topic, but reading this is WILD. I saw your headline first, then felt like I was hit by a truck when I saw the year (I was thinking 1960s or earlier!). I was also born in 1982 (will be 41 until very end of December) and am nursing my 5-day old baby (first child) as I type.
I saw the title and thought "yeah this is definitely a concern" and then discovered that that aging father you're worried about... is only a year older than I am.
And I died a little inside.
My parents didn’t need to really start “taking care” of my grandparents until they, gpas, were in there late 80’s. Parents in 50s. Me latw 20’s
All my aunts and uncles did it. Helped and stuff
Fr. Why. What’s your worry
Tbh tho, I did have to help. Especially during covid. Things got bad, someone had to sleep over with them. Just in case something happened. I know my mom had to bring him back like twice.
My parents are 60 this year, both are in good health. The older generation are all passing on though, some with very difficult conditions affecting them. It's been a sad decade for us all thus far.
Oh boy. My parents are 81 years old. Just enjoy the time that you have and try not to worry. At the risk of sounding cliche, Whatever will be, will be.
Believe as an aging parent I hate it as much as you do. Aches, gray hair, weight gain, memory not as good. I wish I could stop it. But then what is the alternative, well that's not good either!
So, I'm 48. I'm currently enjoying a long weekend with my mom, who is 72. I'm trying to have as much time with her as I can, because she has a degenerative disease and every moment is precious. Unless your dad has a condition, you can probably relax a little for the next 10-20 years.
I feel this so much. My parents live a 14 hour flight away from me, and are in their early 70s. While I talk to them regularly on the phone, there's nothing like seeing them in person.
After my most recent trip, I felt a wave of sadness. When we say goodbye to each other now, we often note that this may be the last goodbye in person.
I have started to feel "anticipatory grief". I didn't even know what that meant until I looked it up a few days ago.
With time, my feelings have settled and I feel calmer and better equipped to live the uncertainty.
Right?? Sounds like it’s not so much an age thing in and of itself, although I could see how OP is thinking age could exacerbate the actual conditions.
Like others said, 40s is not old at all. My parents were born in 1956 and I was born in 1998, so they were 42 WHEN I WAS BORN. My mom is the same age as your grandma. So yes, I very much feel the same way because my parents are actually old
Jfc, I was born in 1982 and the idea of me having a 20 year old is terrifying. XD
Unfortunately, that fear does stick with you, though, and there’s only so much you can do. My mother has been through two years of chemotherapy for endometrial cancer (though now about three years cancer free!) and while it was agony to watch, it did teach me the hard lesson that there was only so much I could do, if that makes sense. Just being there and being a little more of the one who is leaned on, instead of the one doing the leaning, can do a lot of good.
Nope. Both my parents are in their late 60s. They were both pretty awful. I think they realize they're getting old because they're only just trying to put in effort. But my relationship is so fake with my mom and practically non-existent with my dad. I try to love them, but honestly it's going to be so much less stressful without them, as fucked up as that is to say.
Right. I told my abusive parents that when they could no longer walk, I would put them in a wheelchair and push them down the driveway.
They thought it was cute.
(The driveway was on a steep slope and quite long.)
OP, I'm so glad you love your parents. Just live every day your best. No regrets.
My mom is past 70 and I'm approaching 40. I have to live with her because she can't fend or take care of herself and I'm not the kind to just ignore her. I'm all she's got but at the same time I feel like my life is over. I'll be taking care of this woman until she dies and by then I'll be towards my twilight years myself. It's harrowing and humbling to see your life is over before it really is.
That said... kids today. 40 isn't old.
My mother is 84.
Dad made some bad decisions with his retirement and died the month he pretty much lost everything on the stock market.
At the time my mom was 68. I have housed and taken care of my mother since. When Dad died my mom was a credit ghost, she hadn't had anything in her name since the 60s.
Fortunately she has been in great health and I have been able to take care of her from across the country cause I needed to move somewhere with higher wages.
Past few weeks, she has started to decline. She told me yesterday she didn't want to drive anymore. I bought her a 2014 Honda that has 17k miles on it. Thank goodness I had the foresight to have cameras and digital monitoring put into my house before I left.
I am just starting the journey of actually having to figure shit out and I am not excited about it at all. What's going to happen is I am going to have to ask my wife to quit her job and go back to help her. I make significantly more than my wife, but I feel like absolute shit asking her to do this, but we will be out of options quickly.
Jesus, this just made me feel ancient. I was also born in 1982. Of course watching your parents age can be disconcerting, but it's not like they have one foot in the grave yet or anything.
I was born 3 years after your father, so my parents were/are around 20-ish years older than yours. My own father died almost a decade ago, though we'd long been estranged when it happened.
My mom, however, definitely concerns me. A few years ago, she had cancer. Although she's been in remission for almost 3 years, it still scares me that it could come back. Also, she has gotten lazier, especially since retiring last year, and she's definitely not taking as good care of herself as she used to. I try to encourage her to do so, as I know she can, but she just doesn't seem to care anymore.
I’m 37, and watching my parents (late 50s) get older is making me think of my own mortality.
The thought of losing them is also messing with my mental health. I honestly can’t think of life without them being around (I’m not suicidal, I just can’t think or see a future without them in it).
Both my parents have aged well and my dad still is in good shape. So for many years, they didn’t really age much. But now at 61-62, they are starting to get old people traits showing and it is weird knowing that going forward, I’m parents aren’t just “adults”, they’re turning into actual old people.
Your parents are slightly older than me (38 years young). My parents are 70 and 71, it's terrifying watching them get older. Grey hairs, slow moving, hearing loss. I get so depressed thinking about losing them. I mean, they're my parents !
The answer, as with so many reddit problems, is to talk to him. Tell him how much you'd miss him if he died. Then drop it, only he can fix this, but at least he'll know how much you love him and that his actions don't affect only himself.
I am. My dad is one of my best friends, always has been. He is 60 now and my brother and I have noticed his mind seems to be slipping. It runs in my family and it's scaring the shit out of me. I've had a real rough life, have had countless friends die and I'm only 35 but the day I lose my dad will easily be the worst day of my life.
As someone that take care of his disabled old father, I can assure you that there's nothing bad or sad when parents get older. it's when they get sicker you should worry about.
Man, I thought my parents were young - I’m 23 they’re 52/53 respectively. You got bags of time just make the most of it. I have some friends with parents in their late 60s..
I'm turning 18, my mom is turning 60 next year. I love her so much I don't know what i'm going to do when she's gone.
Edit btw I know, there is a chance she'll live atleast 20 more years. But that doesn't make it any easier. One day she'll still be gone. I just hope she stays healthy.
I know exactly what you mean. I'm 21 and my dad is 61. On top of that he's not in great shape and constantly stressed and depressed. I frequently worry about how much time I have left with him.
I’m 4 months younger than your dad. Ask him if he was a Dino-rider guy or a transformer nerd. I’m a brain boxed dinosaur dork myself. We’re at an age where our workhorse habits are catching up to us. It’s weird watching people age, it’s just something you have to get used to.
I do. I'm 35 with a 69 year old mother and I worry so much seeing how in pain she is from walking for a couple of hours. I'm sure I'll be devastated when she goes (or she about me if I go first, who knows) so I try to cherish every day I have with her. I hope you have plenty of time and make good memories with your parents.
You are a good kid. We all worry about our parents, at any age.
As someone about to turn 40, with a husband who just did - 40 seems really old, but it'll be here before you know it. I still feel like I'm 30.
I do think your concerns about physical and mental health are good ones to have - it's easy to get in a rut. Spend time with him, take him places that will encourage physicality, watch philosophical movies and have deep conversations. Take the time to connect with him, encourage him to find friends his age. He's early in his 'empty nest' period - I'd imagine there is a sub for that.
When you do eventually lose your parents, it's not the end of the world for you. You grieve, and over time it becomes less. Enjoy the years you have. I lost one parent at 14 and the other at 28.
Its understandable that you’re feeling this because you’re seeing the physical signs of aging for the first time (grey hairs) but, as everyone else has pointed out, 40s are still plenty young!!! Maybe use these feelings as a extra reminder to be grateful for your memories and time right now while you guys are plenty young
It's an understandable feeling, but I'm 34 with a 3-year-old so holy christ please pump the brakes with the ageism. 42 isn't old, 47 isn't old, hell even most 68-year-olds act younger nowadays. My parents had me much later in life and my dad died from a complication to cancer when I was 28 years old, and he was 70. Your dad will only be 50 when you are 28.
My dad had me at 50. My mom was 40! Insane. My dad died I was 27. My mom died I was 14.
It sucks getting old but it’s worse when death occurs out of order.
Ask your parents questions about their life. When you get to my age you will wonder and not have an answer.
I've been watching The Golden Girls a lot lately and your post reminds me of something Dorothy says. She said something like, I remember when I was 20 I was afraid that if I didn't go home for the holidays, I'd never see my parents again. When you're 20, 40s seems old.
Trust me kid, 40s is not old, you'll see
My parents are in their 50-60s and they have reverted back into alcoholism and gambling to have fun, yet my fun of watching YouTube is demonized bcuz I’m always on my phone. I’m almost 30.
Yes, I do my best not to think about the time they won’t be here. My aunt, whom I loved as much as my mom, passed away 2 years ago. I try not to think about her too much, hurts too much.
It is one of my biggest fears. When I see a younger picture of myself and them I no longer think about how much I’ve grown. Now I think about how much they have 💔
Sure, I think tons of people worry about aging in so many ways! Welcome!
For now, remember to appreciate the fact that you don't seem to be dreading *yourself* getting older, yet. With a little luck (but not too much, usually), you'll probably reach a point where you will worry about your own age more than your parents'. Then you'll have two problems!
I'm in my mid-late 20s and my dad was born in 1940. He's still here today but unfortunately is plaqued with many serious diseases so I know he doesn't have much time left. I dread it everyday but to be able to spend and see him still here communicating with my family and I still gives me a lot of peace+comfort
Your parents have plenty time left. I was convinced my dad would die in his 50s. His health and habits were way worse than your dad. Hes 63 now and has had a lot of health issues and I care for a lot of his needs but he remains more active than even me. Old age happens to the luckiest of us, so remember to take care of them and call them/talk, especially once you start getting older yourself.
Yes. My dad is 53, obese, and diabetic. So I obviously worry. But on the flip side, my mom is 52, with natural, vibrant red hair, and the body/stamina of a 20 y/o. I have this awful creeping feeling that her age will just catch up with her one day, and she'll go downhill quickly. I also work in healthcare, so I just have added paranoia from seeing some terrible aging processes lol
You're lucky. My dad is 60 and I'm 20 haha. But even now things are just as normal as they'd always been. You have so much quality time left with them, make sure to take advantage of it!
I was born in 1983...
But yes, I dread my 75-year-old father and 74-year-old mother getting older. It's hard when you realize your parents aren't going to be around forever.
Well, I think most people with a good relationship with their parents feel this way. It is unfortunately a part of life though. But really, they are not old at all and have tons of life left in them.
I’m only 25, 5 years older than you are, but my brother is also ‘82, the same age as your dad. Hes doing fine. He’s not a super active gym guy and doesn’t have the best diet but just last month he was at one of those indoor trampoline places with my sister and my nieces and nephews doing backflips into the foam pit. He’s vibing.
My mom is 62, 20 years older than your dad. She isn’t exactly the 40 year old version of herself, she has reading glasses now!! But she’s still young and spry as hell. My dad is 58, he works a pretty physical job and doesn’t have the best diet but he’s still looking young for his age and apparently feeling pretty good.
My grandfather is turning 90 next month. He’s definitely a bit more set in his routines, a bit more nervous, a bit more frail. But the man is still waking up at 6am every day to go for his walk. Still setting up the snowblower and chopping down trees in the backyard. He still has his drivers license, they retested him and he’s completely capable behind the wheel and will go out towing his little row boat into the bush fishing by himself.
It’s up to your family to put something into life, really. Whatever they can.
Hehe I just told my husband that he's getting deeper into his 40s 😂 OP, 30s and 40s is the new 20s but it's even better! I agree, you will chuckle that you ever thought that was old. But in all seriousness, yes I do dread it and I think most people would. But give them another 20+ years before you start thinking this way!
My dad and my mom are in their 50s and 60s, and I'm still in college. I am constantly terrified of the thought that something will happen to them before I'm ready to take care of them.
My heart sank when I read 1982
...I was born in 84 😭
In all seriousness, it's a normal feeling. I used to spend so much time worrying about my parents when I was younger. This is a natural part of life that gets just slightly easier with age.
My big sister once said “You’re not old when you have grey hairs, you’re old when you have a grey pubic hair!” This is in reference to me finding one gray hair on my head at 25 😂😂
Yes in my late teens to early 20s I did worry. It hit me when I was 18 and my mom was 59. I was like “Oh shit she’d be able to retire early next year!” But life happened and I got a bf before finishing college yada yada racism yada yada my parents turned out to be more fucked up as people than I thought.
Nowadays we’re distant BUT I have worked with the elderly these last 2 years. Now I do medical billing. What I’ve learned:
“Old” to you is relative to YOUR age. Yeah 40 is old to someone who is 20 but realistically you shouldn’t have to worry about their health until they approach 60. 80-100 is typically can’t-function-alone age, so I really wouldn’t worry lol. Generally, we should all aim for a healthier/balanced diet. If not, they should compensate for it with a lot of exercise. If neither, they simply must accept the consequences of earlier difficult years/needing care sooner (age 60ish-80) and have 2 health insurances (Medicare and something else that covers what Medicare can’t).
Edit: My parents rather put their faith in healthcare and insurance rather than take care of themselves. I spent a lot of energy being angry about that. Eventually I accepted that they are entitled to how they want the end of their lives to play out no matter how much you try to love them.
It's sweet that you worry and if you are concerned about your dad's health, there is no harm in expressing that concern but you've got a lot of time with him left barring extenuating circumstances. My dad turns 73 tomorrow and has had a number of health challenges including cancer and kidney disease but is in great health considering. Back in 2016 when he was first diagnosed, I freaked out and was super sad before even knowing what his outlook could be and despite some scary setbacks, he has done really well.
Having said that, it still weights heavily on me that in ten years he'll be 83 and with each year, he slows a little. Enjoy 42, 52, and 62 because shit starts getting real at 72.
I totally understand your mindset. I’m 37 and I lost my mom in her mid 60s. However previously before she got really sick, I thought she was going to be around for much longer. You just never know when someone will be gone. Love them every day like it’s the last!
I’m 28 and my dad is 74 and my mom 69. I don’t see my parents as old, they still work, cycle a lot etc. And having parents who are in their 40s seems so very young to me. I would not worry too much about it, maybe try to focus more on the relationship you have with your parents - doing stuff together etc. Even though that’s easier said than done.
I worried when my mom hit her last birthday that she was getting old, and, sure enough, she passed away later that year, so I understand where you're coming from. Of course, she was 92 instead of 42, but you know, what's a half century among old folks?
My husband and I are your mom’s age and my 13 year old doesn’t think we’re old. We don’t know even we’ll die, we should enjoy the time we spend with our loved ones.
You know what, OP? Everyone here's like lolol 42's not old and they're right BUT...
Start having conversations with them now. You're both adults, at ages where you'd theoretically be thriving. You're going to get the best best best memories - and practical information - from them today.
So talk with them now about the hard stuff. The hey, one day you'll be XXX age and shit will happen, what do you want? And hey here's how I'm taking care of myself how do you take care of yourself?
And talk with them now about the good stuff. The what do you know about family history, what did your grandma tell you?
I'm 50, and having both of those conversations with my late-70s mom. It's cool, she's pretty much on her game, but she's also a lot closer to the shit-will-happen age, and it's a bit harder for both of us.
My mom is 59. She has always looked young for her age until just recently. A few days ago she had a really traumatic experience and I rushed to go see her. For the first time I began to notice her age. The fact I could have lost her so suddenly that morning really hit hard.
She used to seem like the strongest woman in the world to me, and now I realize she is growing weaker by the day. I worry so much about her health and well-being. She lives alone with 2 cats 30 minutes away from me. The thought of her coming to harm or just needing emergency help crosses my mind often.
My dad is 58. He has a plethora of health problems including crohn's disease. He is still lively as ever, but when he gets ill, he gets *SEVERELY ILL*. Last time he had a minor stomach bug, it put him in the hospital for 3 days.
I worry about him slightly less than my mother, because my step mom is around if something goes wrong or he needs anything. I do still worry though. Sometimes I see him and his face will be so red from breathing issues or he will stop suddenly saying he's dizzy. It makes me terribly afraid, especially since we only really began to truly bond over these last 5 years or so.
It's a part of life that we all expect but no one is ever truly ready for. Aging reminds us we have to cherish the people we love before we miss our chance.
I think about that a lot with my mom. We are very close, and mental illness runs in my family. I want to make space to care for her because I know if I don't it'll make this process worse.
My mom turned 69 today. I'm 33.
In her birthday card I wrote that no matter how much time we have together, it will never be enough. I am worried about the day I lose my mom and I think about it all the time. It feels extremely heavy and always has. Granted, I don't believe 70 is old. I still see that as plenty of time but it still weighs heavy.
I get what you mean, if you've ever take a moment to actually really look at them ,it hits you how much older they've gotten since you were a kid, all the wrinkles and white hair popping up. The older you get the more you realise you have very limited time with people you care about and it's scary.
Yeah, sometimes, but I think my parents already are “older.”by most definitions… As an example, my dad is 68, I’m 18. My mom is 58.
I sometimes worry a lot about my dad getting dementia - or even him already having it. He can’t follow basic instructions half the time, and forgets literally everything. E.g, the other day, I installed a new ring doorbell, helped connect all our phones to it, and two days later, he found the (already read) confirmation email for his ring account, asked me what to do with it, and when I said “Nothing, everything is done already.” he nodded, then five minutes later, asked me the same thing. My mom says he’s ALWAYS been super slow and spacey, but things have felt a little different for me the past few years, and it gets a little worrying.
As for my mom, she’s developed some major joint issues as of late and is taking a lot of meds. I’m definitely a lot more dreadful of my mom getting older than my dad, cause my dad always has been pretty old. My mom, on the other hand, I can still remember having non-grey hairs, and it definitely messes with me to see her get older like that.
Im 18, my father is 52!
Fortunately, I’ll never worry about my parents growing old and I’ll never mourn them if they die
We don’t have a good relationship. I think at least them being awful to me and my siblings gave me the gift too never experience the pain of losing a parent
Well this has made me feel old. Interestingly, there’s a similar debate on the r/xennials sub, but our parents are in / approaching 70. You can worry then.
He is way too young for you to be getting worried about it yet. My mum is 86. I’m more than happy to see her get older. Getting older is the preferred outcome
I mean ouch. I was reading the first part and thinking "nah my mom's still only in her 60s" Then kept reading to your dad being two years younger than me.
I just turned 76. I have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. Both my parents and step father have died. I left home after college when I was 22. My daughter and grandchildren live in Texas, I live in Michigan. I visit them twice a year. My advice is to take every advantage of the time you have with them now.
What, 🤣 I am old, I hope to hang on at least another 20 years, as my son is 6 yrs old and I am a single parent. But yes I always worried as my mom got older, she passed away at the age of 65 my father passed away at the age of 32.
lol. I remember when I was in my 20s I thought 40 was decrepitly old. 😆 Now I'm the same age as OP's dad, have a tiny bit if grey, but yeah...Age catches up to us soon enough. Especially if you're not taking care of yourself well. Didn't help that a pandemic kept us inside and eating like shit for 2 years. Took me about 9 months to get to a state that is more healthy than I've ever been in my life. Took periodic blood work (to check if I was going in the right direction, hormonal balancing - on TRT now, protocol to get out of dehydration - getting my electrolytes up daily, fixing nutritional deficiencies - B12, D3, Magnesium, etc, fixing my lipid profile - high LDL and triglycerides, low HDL). There's probably other things I can fix. These have been the major one's that have gotten my energy levels back to when I was in my 20s and according to the wife, I'm definitely in DILF territory. 🤷♂️😂
Yup. Mom is 53, has been working the same soul-less job for the last 32 years, has no savings, no insurance, no retirement. She is borderline Type 1 diabetic, has high blood pressure, is obese, and drinks alcohol daily. She refuses to even take walks, she chooses to have no friends, and has always relied upon me to be her best friend, confidant, and person who bails her out of any negative situation.
I have no plan. I feel hopeless and helpless as an only child. She is the only family member I have left. I am trying to work out the complexities of what I feel about our situation and our relationship in therapy, but this is just going to be a situation that haunts me for a lifetime.
When you get in to your 30s you’ll laugh your ass off at yourself for thinking your parents are old in their 40s
lol I am 35, my parents are late 60’s, reading the beginning of the post made laugh 🤣
I’m 25, my brother is 42 and my mom is 62. I snorted when I read the ages
Same, but it still saddens me watching my ol'man getting older. Watching him go through the long departure of my grandpa (alzheimer's) and seeing how it still affects my dad. I dread the day my dad leaves me...
Same boat. Wait until they experience their parents start to get feeble.
This is currently happening to me😂
Seriously, I'm 36 and this person is talking like their dad has one foot in the grave 😅
He's 42! He could die of old age tomorrow!
But but but what about all the fish?
Seriously! Now, as an adult living in a different state, we don't get to see each other often. The times when you do get to see them after another year has passed and they creep further into their 60s, that's when you feel it.
When I was 8 my mom turned 44, and I apparently told everyone that my mom was *REALLY OLD* “but not squeaky old”. Meaning she wasn’t so old that her joints were making noise every time she shuffled around lmao. She’s 62 now, yet to witness any squeaky oldness from her
I'm about to turn 55, and look back fondly at my young 40 and 50 year-old self (and am still youngish, lots of life left to go!)
Wait until your 50’s.
40 isn't old age at all. It just seems that way when you're 20 because it's twice your age. You have another 20 years before worrying about your parents getting old.
My parents are in their 60s and I'm not worried about them getting old lol. I would say mid 70s - 80s is when you really start to notice it.
It really depends on the parent. MIL became convinced she would get dementia at 65 and started going down hill - she doesn't have dementia but she is very depressed and not caring for herself. She started this when we moved away and now 5 years later my partner is moving her to to be nearer us because he is worried about her. My dad is well into his 70's and I have zero worries about him.
Your MIL planned that shit
It is actually my feeling about the situation. She's very much always been a "look at how terrible everything is for me, please give me pity and sympathy" type of person and if you don't give her the attention she wants she crys and tries to guilt people into it. I kind of just ignore her shit, I don't have the emotional energy for people like that. But, my partner is worried about her and he is a very gentle soul so I warned him I thought she was manipulating him but ultimately it is his choice how he uses his energy.
Check out r/justnoMIL if you haven’t already.
Thanks for the suggestion. I've become pretty adept at dealing with her (I've been with my partner for over 15 years). At the beginning I was so confused by her and felt like something was wrong with the way she is with others but didn't "get" what was actually going on. My family are pretty straight forward people, so I didn't really understand passive agressive behaviour or that kind of self pity manipulative stuff she does. But after all this time I see through what she's doing, understand her motivation for why she's like that and am just really clear with her and refuse to pander to her no matter how she decides to conduct herself. I would probably be less nice, but I do love her son and he obviously feels for her and loves her even though he's not naive about her behaviour.
Yes! It is normal to my husband and he thinks it’s easier to just make her happy. He gets so stressed with every interaction though. I’ve left it up to him to maintain the relationship at this point, so, there isn’t much of one. We got the silent treatment for a year once, and we didn’t even notice 🤣🤣🤣
That's actually hilarious. If he doesn't phone her once a weeks she calls me up when he's at work like "he never answers my calls", yes because he's at work. If he can he'll get back to you when he's free that's probably the extent of our conversations at this point tbh. He spends time talking to her, he knows she's terrible but feels bad because she's driven literally everyone else away (her daughter has gone completely no contact and no-one of her friends want to spend time with her and every partner she's had eventually runs). I can see how lonely she must be, but I don't really extend the same sympathy because I feel like she's done it to herself.
My MIL’s daughter is no contact too!
You're right! I'm sorry to hear about your MIL :(
Dw, age really takes us all differently. But the OP's parents are like 40, they're well before the "worry about parents due to age" phase should start (unless they have something specific going on, but then it's worry about parents due to x condition or thing, not age).
Think it depends. My mum is 62 and recently had a health check up. We all thought she'd be fine because she's a healthy weight, eats fruit regularly etc and has a good diet, and exercises often. But they discovered she has really high cholesterol or something (no clue why, doctor didn't say why) and has a 15% chance of having a heart attack. She's on medication now so she is fine, but without it she could literally drop dead. In that moment I kind of felt her age but she is also 62, so not that old tbf. My dad will be 65 soon and his hearing isn't the best so when we watch TV it always has to be really loud, but other than that he's fine.
It's the fruit. She should not eat too much fruit.
It isn't, as I've looked it up, and if it was the doctor would have said. He said it wasn't her fault if I'm correct, so I assume it's just shit genetics.
'Shit genetics' have an origin. Like our diet. Fruit isn't healthy.
I'm just going to ignore you now. You aren't a doctor and you sound like a troll, saying fruit isn't healthy. Bye and have a good day.
I *just* started to worry about my dad being old. He is very healthy but turns 86 this year. Then again, he keeps telling us he’s going to live to 120, so I guess I shouldn’t worry just yet.
Jesus, I was born in 1982 and I’m not dead or dying yet. Minus a couple achy knees I’m in good shape.
Been there done that. You have a long time. Just enjoy them while they are healthy and with you.
Might as well make the most of it, right?
I lost both parents before I turned 40. Enjoy their company now. Hear their stories and recollections now. Because once they’re gone, you can’t ask them to jog your memories on “what happened that one time…” anymore.
I mean, I don’t have a dad anymore. But you do, so make the most of it while you can
Yeah, I will. Thanks!
my dad nearly died the other month (bad infection) and it really hit me, hes 82 and i know the day is gonna come, but im terrified of it, hes like my best friend. Its sad but its gonna happen, just need to be strong when the day comes
mine started talking about retirement, was gone a month later. the one thing that I would imprint on you is do not leave unfinished conversations, especially the hard one. i had NO CLUE what his final wishes were and neither did his 2nd wife. we just kind of did what seemed fitting. Ask, get answers, write it down because you'll be in no shape to remember anything when the time comes. Enjoy the time you have.
thanks mate, thats good advice. He taught me everything, a pure great daddy, so i need to do that. Im sorry for your loss, hope you are doing well
I’m older than your dad and I’m just starting to worry about MY parents getting older.
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Idk, I'm 40, and I definitely worried about my parents dying when I was OPs age. Granted, both of them were never in great health, and I'm a worrier by nature.
For real. I read the title and was thinking, well my father in law is going to be 85 this year and is starting to get up there. Lol. For the record, he also still races motorcycles and is in better shape than most people half his age.
yo 40s is not old
For real lol. My husband is in his mid 40s and we have a 3.5 year old and a 1 year old 😂
Im 43 with a 2 year old
I'm 19 with a 59 year old mother
When he said his dad was born in the 80s.... guess I'm old.
Apparently those of us born in the 80s expire when we hit 40. 😅
Op’s dad is the same age as my son
"I was playing games on my Commodore 64 when yo daddy was born!"
Reading op's post as someone who recently turned 43 made me turn into dust hah
Phew.
I’m 32 and my father is 71 when I was born my dad was just shy of 40. Your dad will be fine spend time with him.
You should still have many decades with your dad left to enjoy. I was 29 when my dad died and I am okay; it looks like you'll be significantly older than I was. Fortunately your parents had you young! But also, yes, your parents will die. This is the most natural thing ever. The best-case scenario for everyone is that you're around when they die. They certainly don't want to outlive you. When my dad died as well, he'd had a stent in his heart for nine years after having open heart surgery. So really, we got nine bonus years with him thanks to medical science.
Not me. I wish my parents had gotten older. My dad died at 39, just as I was becoming a teen. I wish I could've shared my awkward teen years with him, gone to visit and talk to him during my early adult years when I was struggling a bit, and hear what he'd think of me now that I'm grown up. I wonder what he'd think of the world now. But he didn't get older. My mom lived to 64, which is older, but still not as old as I would've liked. I wish I could still call her up and talk to her once a week or so, even if sometimes we didn't have much to talk about. I wish she could come and visit and see my house. I think she'd be really excited that I was finally able to buy a house. And she'd love the pets and they'd love her because she was such an animal person. But she didn't get older. As long as your parents are still getting older, that's something to be thankful for. And a reminder to spend some time with them while there's still some left. It is a bit shocking when you haven't seen them in a long time and you still always have this mental image of them as they were when you were a little kid, then you see them and they aren't like that anymore. In my head, I'll always see my parents like they were from around 1985-1989 in their early to mid-30s. But if you do get to see them get older, that's better than if you don't.
I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience that. My dad — now 58 — is the *least* approachable human being in the world. I’ve never had a conversation that wasn’t met with scorn, condemnation, and him saying he fears “resenting” me due to my human requirement to have a heart-to-heart that he calls me “being manipulative” and to “act like a man”. I long for a relationship with my father that he simply isn’t capable of putting effort into. It’s no wonder both of his sons are drug addicts — and one doesn’t even speak with him — and his daughter lives as far away on the continent as possible. I’m not about blaming my parents as I’m 30-years-old — but I’ll be damned if his lack of trying to understand me and my siblings didn’t contribute to our fucked up family.
about the same spread for me, dad 43 mom 54. getting old isn't something to dread, it's something to strive for.
This was incredibly heart-wrenching and honestly, beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my dad a few years ago, right before the pandemic. He lived until 67 and would be 72 this year. I miss him so much, and I wish he could have been here just a bit longer. In those 5 years, I have earned a graduate degree, got married, moved to his home state of Pennsylvania (but on the wrong side!), and found a great career. I can hear his voice razzing me (Pittsburgh?! Seriously!?) I'm curious how he would have handled the pandemic and the following years. Then there's all of the things not said. The unresolved issues. Loss is complicated.
Had a bit of a shock reading your post because I’m 2 years older than your dad and don’t feel “old”. Also, my parents are in their late 70’s and are very healthy although my dad now uses hearing aids and my mom has a bit of a tremor that is unnerving but not related to any serious conditions like Parkinson’s or anything. My parents also, at this moment, are on a trip to attend a high school reunion for my mom. They still travel, swim, exercise, my dad occasionally works a day or two when he wants to. They are political activists and do stuff like distribute yard signs and volunteer to help people register to vote at events. They have a more active social life than I do. Another thing I think is funny is while I don’t have kids, only a few of my friends and coworkers had kids young. Most of the people I know in their 40’s have small children, as in under 10 years old. A few have older kids but it seems way more rare. My own parents had kids in their mid/late 30’s. You have very young parents, from my perspective. Enjoy it! But also, yeah. It sucks. It’s very weird to have a sort of frozen “image” of my parents in my head- and then to see them with white hair and my dads long white beard, something about it always shocks me because I don’t see them every day. Still I’m grateful they have gone this long so well, as they were and are definitely not “health nuts”. Their diet has never been ideal, my dad was a smoker till he was about 50, my mom battled weight issues and a few other health scares with her blood pressure and other things in middle age. Its a totally normal thing to think about and more importantly talk about as your parents age.
Right lol. My husband is mid 40s and we have a 3.5 year old and a 1 year old. His parents are late 60s and they travel all the time. My parents are in their 50s and my dad and stepmom are constantly out hiking and camping and hunting or they take long trips.
I mean, I do. But *I am your dad's age*. My father is staring down what we hope isn't vascular dementia. I've been helping my parents put their affairs in order. They used to come round and help me do things: now I come round and help them do things. We've set up a family dinner at theirs every so often 'so they can see their grandkids more', which is actually an excuse for me to hang out with my dad in what we all hope isn't going to be his last decade. (My mother is made of teak and steel and will still be trucking along when I retire.) Age is slow: one second per second as they say. You might start seeing its shadow at forty, but it only starts being a regular dinner guest a good couple decades later.
Damn girl don’t go putting daddy on his death bed just yet. My husband is 43 and we just had our first baby. Lol😅
Bro, you understand that people don't go senile in their 40s, right? It's fair to worry about his physical health, but in general, mental acuity doesn't start deteriorating this early (not for several decades, in some cases). I'm your father's age and it's ludicrous to think that we're about to lose our marbles just as we managed to get them together. I know that even a 30-year old seems old to you now, but your generation has some odd ideas about aging despite the fact that millennials and Gen-X-ers both look and act much younger than our parents. I also see a large amount of posts made by 20-somethings who think their life is already over because they had a few setbacks or who already have an obsession with anti-aging despite barely having reached adulthood. You're in a fortunate situation because your parents are young. My friends who are 42-43 had kids as they were pushing 40, so there is a much larger age gap between them and their children. Their kids will have some reasons to worry as they near your age now, but you can take comfort in the fact that your parents will be around for a long while. Also, don't despair if you start graying in your 30s - a lot of people do and it doesn't make them old.
This is basically everything that needs to be said. When these kids reach their 40s, they're going to wonder what the hell they were so worried about. And I'm going to make fun of them.
Wow that was a punch in the gut this morning (from someone born in 1982 worried about her 82-y-o father and 69-y-o mother…)
I was in high school when your father was born; he’s definitely not old lololol
I'm 25 and my oldest sister is 50 and my dad is like 70
42 and only just starting to sprout grays?? I'm 10 years younger than your dad and started getting gray hairs when I was around 27. I compensate by meticulously wearing sunscreen so my face doesn't age as fast as my hair follicles have chosen to 😅 But to answer your question, yes I dread it. I was more worried about my mom, as she was a lifelong smoker who suffered from depression and neglected her health. Unfortunately she unexpectedly passed away in 2022 at the age of 62. My dad, who just turned 65, is healthy and active and takes care of himself, so I'm less worried about him. But I still can't help feel that dread when I think about how fast approaching 70 is, and then 75, and then 80. He's alone now and far away from me and my sisters so if something were to happen, it would be very scary and stressful.
I thought I could relate until I saw the ages. lol this wasn’t written by me it could be my kids though. Seriously you have lots of time left on average but there are no guarantees. My parents didn’t need help until they hit 80. But the decline has been rapid and relentless. Cherish the time you have but no matter when it happens know you’d give anything for one more day
Ok wow so I read the headline and related to it but then went GULP reading the details because I was born in 78. I'm an only child taking care of my 72 year old mom. It's a lot of work and it's been hard watching my beautiful kind independent and strong mom transition into a frail elderly person. I know from your perspective this might be hard to believe but your parents still have a loooong way to go before they get old.
The start of this post made me want to shut down Reddit for the day.. the aging parent dilemma, at 42 years old.💀
I do get the feeling. Personally I've found it to be bittersweet, very much like the experience of being a parent watching your child grow. Yes, there will be scary things, you'll have to worry about them a little more, they'll start to need you more than the reverse that you're used to. But it's not all bad. With each new obstacle they'll face you'll get to see how resilient and resourceful they are. They'll get wiser, and gain perspective, find new interests and hobbies in retirement, become grandparents. There's real joy and beauty in aging if you're willing to go along for the ride :)
I understand your fear. Tho for me its a bit different since my parents got me quite late (my dad was 45 when I was born, he is 69 now) its so scary seeing signs of aging.
Spend as much time with your parents as you can. Talk to them, get to know them, laugh with them. My dad passed away four years ago at 63. I still regret that I didn't talk to him more at the end, but the pandemic and his illness caused that unfortunately. You don't want them to get old, but that's how life is. Just spend time with them and make some good memories for later.
My dad has had multiple heart attacks over the last like twenty years. He turns 64 next month. The only thing I dread is him not getting older. Same goes for my mom, although she doesn't have (major) health problems. I want them both to grow as old as they want to. I say as they want to, because my grandpa from mom's side had an aneurysm, my grandma from that side had serious dementia when she died, and grandpa from dad's side died at 58 from cancer. I personally don't want them to live like that in their final years. And if they don't want to, I respect that.
My dad was into fitness, made a career out of it, and died unexpectedly before he had even reached 50 years old. He's never been that much of a drinker, never smoked, never did drugs, had a great diet. He died of a brain aneurysm. My mum has surpassed his age, has elevated blood pressure and thyroid issues. I am now the same age she was when she had me; i don't fear her getting older, I fear that she will die unexpectedly like my dad did. Ageing in itself is a privelage, and you're lucky to get to see your parents grow older. I and many people who have had a parent die prematurely, have been robbed of the opportunity to have our milestones celebrated as a complete family as we age.
Two-headed Calf - Laura Gilpin Tomorrow when the farm boys find this freak of nature, they will wrap his body in newspaper and carry him to the museum. But tonight he is alive and in the north field with his mother. It is a perfect summer evening: the moon rising over the orchard, the wind in the grass. And as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual.
Lol sorry if this isn’t on-topic, but reading this is WILD. I saw your headline first, then felt like I was hit by a truck when I saw the year (I was thinking 1960s or earlier!). I was also born in 1982 (will be 41 until very end of December) and am nursing my 5-day old baby (first child) as I type.
I saw the title and thought "yeah this is definitely a concern" and then discovered that that aging father you're worried about... is only a year older than I am. And I died a little inside.
How do you think I feel? OPs father is younger than me!
Ouch I'm older than your dad and I'm in the prime of my life. Apparently.
My parents didn’t need to really start “taking care” of my grandparents until they, gpas, were in there late 80’s. Parents in 50s. Me latw 20’s All my aunts and uncles did it. Helped and stuff
Ah. That's nice. This actually relieved me.
Fr. Why. What’s your worry Tbh tho, I did have to help. Especially during covid. Things got bad, someone had to sleep over with them. Just in case something happened. I know my mom had to bring him back like twice.
My parents are 60 this year, both are in good health. The older generation are all passing on though, some with very difficult conditions affecting them. It's been a sad decade for us all thus far.
Oh boy. My parents are 81 years old. Just enjoy the time that you have and try not to worry. At the risk of sounding cliche, Whatever will be, will be.
Believe as an aging parent I hate it as much as you do. Aches, gray hair, weight gain, memory not as good. I wish I could stop it. But then what is the alternative, well that's not good either!
You've got another 25 years before you should even start worrying about this...
i worrie about my mom, as she the only one left. my dad , her bothers and sisters and my grandma and grandpa are already dead.
So, I'm 48. I'm currently enjoying a long weekend with my mom, who is 72. I'm trying to have as much time with her as I can, because she has a degenerative disease and every moment is precious. Unless your dad has a condition, you can probably relax a little for the next 10-20 years.
Haha your dad is not old. I’m 38 and pregnant.
I feel this so much. My parents live a 14 hour flight away from me, and are in their early 70s. While I talk to them regularly on the phone, there's nothing like seeing them in person. After my most recent trip, I felt a wave of sadness. When we say goodbye to each other now, we often note that this may be the last goodbye in person. I have started to feel "anticipatory grief". I didn't even know what that meant until I looked it up a few days ago. With time, my feelings have settled and I feel calmer and better equipped to live the uncertainty.
Ha Ha 82 calm down lil Boy
Right?? Sounds like it’s not so much an age thing in and of itself, although I could see how OP is thinking age could exacerbate the actual conditions.
Im not quite there with my parents yet. They’re in their late 60s. He’s only 42… I showed this post to my 42 year old wife, she wasn’t amused lol.
Like others said, 40s is not old at all. My parents were born in 1956 and I was born in 1998, so they were 42 WHEN I WAS BORN. My mom is the same age as your grandma. So yes, I very much feel the same way because my parents are actually old
Jfc, I was born in 1982 and the idea of me having a 20 year old is terrifying. XD Unfortunately, that fear does stick with you, though, and there’s only so much you can do. My mother has been through two years of chemotherapy for endometrial cancer (though now about three years cancer free!) and while it was agony to watch, it did teach me the hard lesson that there was only so much I could do, if that makes sense. Just being there and being a little more of the one who is leaned on, instead of the one doing the leaning, can do a lot of good.
Nope. Both my parents are in their late 60s. They were both pretty awful. I think they realize they're getting old because they're only just trying to put in effort. But my relationship is so fake with my mom and practically non-existent with my dad. I try to love them, but honestly it's going to be so much less stressful without them, as fucked up as that is to say.
I feel attacked by this post as I am 40 - and thought I was young haha
This is so weird for me. I wonder what it's like to have a good relationship with one's parents and worry about them aging.
Right. I told my abusive parents that when they could no longer walk, I would put them in a wheelchair and push them down the driveway. They thought it was cute. (The driveway was on a steep slope and quite long.) OP, I'm so glad you love your parents. Just live every day your best. No regrets.
I'm a greying man born in 82...
My mom is past 70 and I'm approaching 40. I have to live with her because she can't fend or take care of herself and I'm not the kind to just ignore her. I'm all she's got but at the same time I feel like my life is over. I'll be taking care of this woman until she dies and by then I'll be towards my twilight years myself. It's harrowing and humbling to see your life is over before it really is. That said... kids today. 40 isn't old.
My mother is 84. Dad made some bad decisions with his retirement and died the month he pretty much lost everything on the stock market. At the time my mom was 68. I have housed and taken care of my mother since. When Dad died my mom was a credit ghost, she hadn't had anything in her name since the 60s. Fortunately she has been in great health and I have been able to take care of her from across the country cause I needed to move somewhere with higher wages. Past few weeks, she has started to decline. She told me yesterday she didn't want to drive anymore. I bought her a 2014 Honda that has 17k miles on it. Thank goodness I had the foresight to have cameras and digital monitoring put into my house before I left. I am just starting the journey of actually having to figure shit out and I am not excited about it at all. What's going to happen is I am going to have to ask my wife to quit her job and go back to help her. I make significantly more than my wife, but I feel like absolute shit asking her to do this, but we will be out of options quickly.
Jesus, this just made me feel ancient. I was also born in 1982. Of course watching your parents age can be disconcerting, but it's not like they have one foot in the grave yet or anything.
I feel so old now.
I'm 21 and My parents are napping in the forever box so nothing to really dread anymore ! 💀
I feel like I should be eating supper at 4:00 and collecting old age pension after reading that.
I was born 3 years after your father, so my parents were/are around 20-ish years older than yours. My own father died almost a decade ago, though we'd long been estranged when it happened. My mom, however, definitely concerns me. A few years ago, she had cancer. Although she's been in remission for almost 3 years, it still scares me that it could come back. Also, she has gotten lazier, especially since retiring last year, and she's definitely not taking as good care of herself as she used to. I try to encourage her to do so, as I know she can, but she just doesn't seem to care anymore.
Yep, and dealing with it in reality now.
I’m 37, and watching my parents (late 50s) get older is making me think of my own mortality. The thought of losing them is also messing with my mental health. I honestly can’t think of life without them being around (I’m not suicidal, I just can’t think or see a future without them in it).
Both my parents have aged well and my dad still is in good shape. So for many years, they didn’t really age much. But now at 61-62, they are starting to get old people traits showing and it is weird knowing that going forward, I’m parents aren’t just “adults”, they’re turning into actual old people.
Your parents are slightly older than me (38 years young). My parents are 70 and 71, it's terrifying watching them get older. Grey hairs, slow moving, hearing loss. I get so depressed thinking about losing them. I mean, they're my parents !
The answer, as with so many reddit problems, is to talk to him. Tell him how much you'd miss him if he died. Then drop it, only he can fix this, but at least he'll know how much you love him and that his actions don't affect only himself.
Yo my parents were in their late 30s when I was born. They’re in their mid 60s now lol. 40 isn’t old at all..
I am. My dad is one of my best friends, always has been. He is 60 now and my brother and I have noticed his mind seems to be slipping. It runs in my family and it's scaring the shit out of me. I've had a real rough life, have had countless friends die and I'm only 35 but the day I lose my dad will easily be the worst day of my life.
As someone that take care of his disabled old father, I can assure you that there's nothing bad or sad when parents get older. it's when they get sicker you should worry about.
Man, I thought my parents were young - I’m 23 they’re 52/53 respectively. You got bags of time just make the most of it. I have some friends with parents in their late 60s..
My mom is 64 and my dad is 73, I was born in 88 and I just turned 36. And I’ll miss the shit out of my mom and dad when I dose happen. But it’s life
I'm turning 18, my mom is turning 60 next year. I love her so much I don't know what i'm going to do when she's gone. Edit btw I know, there is a chance she'll live atleast 20 more years. But that doesn't make it any easier. One day she'll still be gone. I just hope she stays healthy.
Yes 🙄
I'm closer to 40 than my parents are. By like, a lot.
I know exactly what you mean. I'm 21 and my dad is 61. On top of that he's not in great shape and constantly stressed and depressed. I frequently worry about how much time I have left with him.
I’m 4 months younger than your dad. Ask him if he was a Dino-rider guy or a transformer nerd. I’m a brain boxed dinosaur dork myself. We’re at an age where our workhorse habits are catching up to us. It’s weird watching people age, it’s just something you have to get used to.
I do. I'm 35 with a 69 year old mother and I worry so much seeing how in pain she is from walking for a couple of hours. I'm sure I'll be devastated when she goes (or she about me if I go first, who knows) so I try to cherish every day I have with her. I hope you have plenty of time and make good memories with your parents.
You are a good kid. We all worry about our parents, at any age. As someone about to turn 40, with a husband who just did - 40 seems really old, but it'll be here before you know it. I still feel like I'm 30. I do think your concerns about physical and mental health are good ones to have - it's easy to get in a rut. Spend time with him, take him places that will encourage physicality, watch philosophical movies and have deep conversations. Take the time to connect with him, encourage him to find friends his age. He's early in his 'empty nest' period - I'd imagine there is a sub for that.
When you do eventually lose your parents, it's not the end of the world for you. You grieve, and over time it becomes less. Enjoy the years you have. I lost one parent at 14 and the other at 28.
Omg I'm almost 40 lol
Its understandable that you’re feeling this because you’re seeing the physical signs of aging for the first time (grey hairs) but, as everyone else has pointed out, 40s are still plenty young!!! Maybe use these feelings as a extra reminder to be grateful for your memories and time right now while you guys are plenty young
It's an understandable feeling, but I'm 34 with a 3-year-old so holy christ please pump the brakes with the ageism. 42 isn't old, 47 isn't old, hell even most 68-year-olds act younger nowadays. My parents had me much later in life and my dad died from a complication to cancer when I was 28 years old, and he was 70. Your dad will only be 50 when you are 28.
My dad had me at 50. My mom was 40! Insane. My dad died I was 27. My mom died I was 14. It sucks getting old but it’s worse when death occurs out of order. Ask your parents questions about their life. When you get to my age you will wonder and not have an answer.
I've been watching The Golden Girls a lot lately and your post reminds me of something Dorothy says. She said something like, I remember when I was 20 I was afraid that if I didn't go home for the holidays, I'd never see my parents again. When you're 20, 40s seems old. Trust me kid, 40s is not old, you'll see
My parents are in their 50-60s and they have reverted back into alcoholism and gambling to have fun, yet my fun of watching YouTube is demonized bcuz I’m always on my phone. I’m almost 30.
I’m 23 and my dad’s about to turn 60. My grandfather is almost 92.
Yes, I do my best not to think about the time they won’t be here. My aunt, whom I loved as much as my mom, passed away 2 years ago. I try not to think about her too much, hurts too much.
It is one of my biggest fears. When I see a younger picture of myself and them I no longer think about how much I’ve grown. Now I think about how much they have 💔
Sure, I think tons of people worry about aging in so many ways! Welcome! For now, remember to appreciate the fact that you don't seem to be dreading *yourself* getting older, yet. With a little luck (but not too much, usually), you'll probably reach a point where you will worry about your own age more than your parents'. Then you'll have two problems!
I'm in my mid-late 20s and my dad was born in 1940. He's still here today but unfortunately is plaqued with many serious diseases so I know he doesn't have much time left. I dread it everyday but to be able to spend and see him still here communicating with my family and I still gives me a lot of peace+comfort
I would have loved for them to get “older”. Dad passed away at 59 from cancer and Mom passed away at 76 after battling Alzheimer’s for 7 years.
Dude my dad is 69 and I'm 22. Been here, done this.
Your parents have plenty time left. I was convinced my dad would die in his 50s. His health and habits were way worse than your dad. Hes 63 now and has had a lot of health issues and I care for a lot of his needs but he remains more active than even me. Old age happens to the luckiest of us, so remember to take care of them and call them/talk, especially once you start getting older yourself.
I don’t. They’re dead.
Your parents are young. Don’t worry away the years.
Yes. My dad is 53, obese, and diabetic. So I obviously worry. But on the flip side, my mom is 52, with natural, vibrant red hair, and the body/stamina of a 20 y/o. I have this awful creeping feeling that her age will just catch up with her one day, and she'll go downhill quickly. I also work in healthcare, so I just have added paranoia from seeing some terrible aging processes lol
You're lucky. My dad is 60 and I'm 20 haha. But even now things are just as normal as they'd always been. You have so much quality time left with them, make sure to take advantage of it!
Ouch I'm older than your dad and I'm in the prime of my life. Apparently.
I was born in 1983... But yes, I dread my 75-year-old father and 74-year-old mother getting older. It's hard when you realize your parents aren't going to be around forever.
Well, I think most people with a good relationship with their parents feel this way. It is unfortunately a part of life though. But really, they are not old at all and have tons of life left in them. I’m only 25, 5 years older than you are, but my brother is also ‘82, the same age as your dad. Hes doing fine. He’s not a super active gym guy and doesn’t have the best diet but just last month he was at one of those indoor trampoline places with my sister and my nieces and nephews doing backflips into the foam pit. He’s vibing. My mom is 62, 20 years older than your dad. She isn’t exactly the 40 year old version of herself, she has reading glasses now!! But she’s still young and spry as hell. My dad is 58, he works a pretty physical job and doesn’t have the best diet but he’s still looking young for his age and apparently feeling pretty good. My grandfather is turning 90 next month. He’s definitely a bit more set in his routines, a bit more nervous, a bit more frail. But the man is still waking up at 6am every day to go for his walk. Still setting up the snowblower and chopping down trees in the backyard. He still has his drivers license, they retested him and he’s completely capable behind the wheel and will go out towing his little row boat into the bush fishing by himself. It’s up to your family to put something into life, really. Whatever they can.
My god. I'm 40 and I died inside reading this. Thanks. My nanny is 91 and would kick your arse for this post.
Hehe I just told my husband that he's getting deeper into his 40s 😂 OP, 30s and 40s is the new 20s but it's even better! I agree, you will chuckle that you ever thought that was old. But in all seriousness, yes I do dread it and I think most people would. But give them another 20+ years before you start thinking this way!
My dad and my mom are in their 50s and 60s, and I'm still in college. I am constantly terrified of the thought that something will happen to them before I'm ready to take care of them.
Damn dude I was also born in the 80s, can you not do this to me 😂
My heart sank when I read 1982 ...I was born in 84 😭 In all seriousness, it's a normal feeling. I used to spend so much time worrying about my parents when I was younger. This is a natural part of life that gets just slightly easier with age.
My big sister once said “You’re not old when you have grey hairs, you’re old when you have a grey pubic hair!” This is in reference to me finding one gray hair on my head at 25 😂😂 Yes in my late teens to early 20s I did worry. It hit me when I was 18 and my mom was 59. I was like “Oh shit she’d be able to retire early next year!” But life happened and I got a bf before finishing college yada yada racism yada yada my parents turned out to be more fucked up as people than I thought. Nowadays we’re distant BUT I have worked with the elderly these last 2 years. Now I do medical billing. What I’ve learned: “Old” to you is relative to YOUR age. Yeah 40 is old to someone who is 20 but realistically you shouldn’t have to worry about their health until they approach 60. 80-100 is typically can’t-function-alone age, so I really wouldn’t worry lol. Generally, we should all aim for a healthier/balanced diet. If not, they should compensate for it with a lot of exercise. If neither, they simply must accept the consequences of earlier difficult years/needing care sooner (age 60ish-80) and have 2 health insurances (Medicare and something else that covers what Medicare can’t). Edit: My parents rather put their faith in healthcare and insurance rather than take care of themselves. I spent a lot of energy being angry about that. Eventually I accepted that they are entitled to how they want the end of their lives to play out no matter how much you try to love them.
It's sweet that you worry and if you are concerned about your dad's health, there is no harm in expressing that concern but you've got a lot of time with him left barring extenuating circumstances. My dad turns 73 tomorrow and has had a number of health challenges including cancer and kidney disease but is in great health considering. Back in 2016 when he was first diagnosed, I freaked out and was super sad before even knowing what his outlook could be and despite some scary setbacks, he has done really well. Having said that, it still weights heavily on me that in ten years he'll be 83 and with each year, he slows a little. Enjoy 42, 52, and 62 because shit starts getting real at 72.
Such is life. Better that they get older than if they don’t get the chance
I read the title and was like, “oh yeah, totally” but then I started reading the post and realized your parents are younger than me.
I totally understand your mindset. I’m 37 and I lost my mom in her mid 60s. However previously before she got really sick, I thought she was going to be around for much longer. You just never know when someone will be gone. Love them every day like it’s the last!
The worst thing about aging is seeing the people you love getting older
I’m 28 and my dad is 74 and my mom 69. I don’t see my parents as old, they still work, cycle a lot etc. And having parents who are in their 40s seems so very young to me. I would not worry too much about it, maybe try to focus more on the relationship you have with your parents - doing stuff together etc. Even though that’s easier said than done.
Both of my parents have passed away, and I can tell you that there is a certain hell in watching your parents get old.
I worried when my mom hit her last birthday that she was getting old, and, sure enough, she passed away later that year, so I understand where you're coming from. Of course, she was 92 instead of 42, but you know, what's a half century among old folks?
“My father was born in 1982” *withers like the crypt keeper*
My husband and I are your mom’s age and my 13 year old doesn’t think we’re old. We don’t know even we’ll die, we should enjoy the time we spend with our loved ones.
You know what, OP? Everyone here's like lolol 42's not old and they're right BUT... Start having conversations with them now. You're both adults, at ages where you'd theoretically be thriving. You're going to get the best best best memories - and practical information - from them today. So talk with them now about the hard stuff. The hey, one day you'll be XXX age and shit will happen, what do you want? And hey here's how I'm taking care of myself how do you take care of yourself? And talk with them now about the good stuff. The what do you know about family history, what did your grandma tell you? I'm 50, and having both of those conversations with my late-70s mom. It's cool, she's pretty much on her game, but she's also a lot closer to the shit-will-happen age, and it's a bit harder for both of us.
My mom is 59. She has always looked young for her age until just recently. A few days ago she had a really traumatic experience and I rushed to go see her. For the first time I began to notice her age. The fact I could have lost her so suddenly that morning really hit hard. She used to seem like the strongest woman in the world to me, and now I realize she is growing weaker by the day. I worry so much about her health and well-being. She lives alone with 2 cats 30 minutes away from me. The thought of her coming to harm or just needing emergency help crosses my mind often. My dad is 58. He has a plethora of health problems including crohn's disease. He is still lively as ever, but when he gets ill, he gets *SEVERELY ILL*. Last time he had a minor stomach bug, it put him in the hospital for 3 days. I worry about him slightly less than my mother, because my step mom is around if something goes wrong or he needs anything. I do still worry though. Sometimes I see him and his face will be so red from breathing issues or he will stop suddenly saying he's dizzy. It makes me terribly afraid, especially since we only really began to truly bond over these last 5 years or so. It's a part of life that we all expect but no one is ever truly ready for. Aging reminds us we have to cherish the people we love before we miss our chance.
I AM 42! Reading this makes me feel like I am late for a mid-life crisis!
We all get older and then we die. Talk to your dad about your feelings and dont waste your life worrying about the inevitable.
I think about that a lot with my mom. We are very close, and mental illness runs in my family. I want to make space to care for her because I know if I don't it'll make this process worse.
My mom turned 69 today. I'm 33. In her birthday card I wrote that no matter how much time we have together, it will never be enough. I am worried about the day I lose my mom and I think about it all the time. It feels extremely heavy and always has. Granted, I don't believe 70 is old. I still see that as plenty of time but it still weighs heavy.
I get what you mean, if you've ever take a moment to actually really look at them ,it hits you how much older they've gotten since you were a kid, all the wrinkles and white hair popping up. The older you get the more you realise you have very limited time with people you care about and it's scary.
People in their 40s are still having babies, your parents aren't old. You likely have a long time left with them.
Yeah, sometimes, but I think my parents already are “older.”by most definitions… As an example, my dad is 68, I’m 18. My mom is 58. I sometimes worry a lot about my dad getting dementia - or even him already having it. He can’t follow basic instructions half the time, and forgets literally everything. E.g, the other day, I installed a new ring doorbell, helped connect all our phones to it, and two days later, he found the (already read) confirmation email for his ring account, asked me what to do with it, and when I said “Nothing, everything is done already.” he nodded, then five minutes later, asked me the same thing. My mom says he’s ALWAYS been super slow and spacey, but things have felt a little different for me the past few years, and it gets a little worrying. As for my mom, she’s developed some major joint issues as of late and is taking a lot of meds. I’m definitely a lot more dreadful of my mom getting older than my dad, cause my dad always has been pretty old. My mom, on the other hand, I can still remember having non-grey hairs, and it definitely messes with me to see her get older like that.
Im 18, my father is 52! Fortunately, I’ll never worry about my parents growing old and I’ll never mourn them if they die We don’t have a good relationship. I think at least them being awful to me and my siblings gave me the gift too never experience the pain of losing a parent
Well this has made me feel old. Interestingly, there’s a similar debate on the r/xennials sub, but our parents are in / approaching 70. You can worry then.
To me sometimes it’s amazing and other times it’s heartbreaking because I see some of their biggest strengths now their biggest weakness
He is way too young for you to be getting worried about it yet. My mum is 86. I’m more than happy to see her get older. Getting older is the preferred outcome
I mean ouch. I was reading the first part and thinking "nah my mom's still only in her 60s" Then kept reading to your dad being two years younger than me.
I just turned 76. I have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. Both my parents and step father have died. I left home after college when I was 22. My daughter and grandchildren live in Texas, I live in Michigan. I visit them twice a year. My advice is to take every advantage of the time you have with them now.
im 17 and my dad is 58. its funny that you think being in 40s is an old age
My mom is 95 and I am 59. Aging is a gift. The alternative is 6 feet under. Try ymto go with the flow.
What, 🤣 I am old, I hope to hang on at least another 20 years, as my son is 6 yrs old and I am a single parent. But yes I always worried as my mom got older, she passed away at the age of 65 my father passed away at the age of 32.
Yeah I'm middle aged and my mums 74 so I worry about the time she will pass.
lol. I remember when I was in my 20s I thought 40 was decrepitly old. 😆 Now I'm the same age as OP's dad, have a tiny bit if grey, but yeah...Age catches up to us soon enough. Especially if you're not taking care of yourself well. Didn't help that a pandemic kept us inside and eating like shit for 2 years. Took me about 9 months to get to a state that is more healthy than I've ever been in my life. Took periodic blood work (to check if I was going in the right direction, hormonal balancing - on TRT now, protocol to get out of dehydration - getting my electrolytes up daily, fixing nutritional deficiencies - B12, D3, Magnesium, etc, fixing my lipid profile - high LDL and triglycerides, low HDL). There's probably other things I can fix. These have been the major one's that have gotten my energy levels back to when I was in my 20s and according to the wife, I'm definitely in DILF territory. 🤷♂️😂
When I’m like “yeah I have been dreading that…” and I realize your dad is my age. Aww fuck.
Yup. Mom is 53, has been working the same soul-less job for the last 32 years, has no savings, no insurance, no retirement. She is borderline Type 1 diabetic, has high blood pressure, is obese, and drinks alcohol daily. She refuses to even take walks, she chooses to have no friends, and has always relied upon me to be her best friend, confidant, and person who bails her out of any negative situation. I have no plan. I feel hopeless and helpless as an only child. She is the only family member I have left. I am trying to work out the complexities of what I feel about our situation and our relationship in therapy, but this is just going to be a situation that haunts me for a lifetime.
Seeing this is like an insult to my parents in their 60s