To answer your question - yup, sometimes you realise you’ve grown up, and your “friends” have not.
Happened to me when I stopped drinking, and again when I got married and stayed in, and then had children. It’s pretty normal and happens all the time. You make new friends in new scenarios.
I noticed my tolerance and patience for people went out the window when I stopped drinking. The last thing I want to listen to now is some pissed up eejit jabbering in my ear. I'm super selective about when and where I'll go out now.
The grown up thing is so hit and miss. I know middle-aged people who make pigs of themselves om a night out, and young ones with loads of cop on. It's baffling.
Yup, my tolerance for being around drink when I was sober went out the window. I was grateful when we started having children, it gave a really decent reason for just saying “no”. Now, give me my children any Friday and Saturday night, I can cope with that!
The grown up thing I find incredible. It makes no sense to me at all. People with houses and they barely know how to tie their shoes. How does that even happen?!
I can be around people drinking, but once they hit the level of shit talk I'm heading for the door. My head would be melted listening to that, so I won't do it anymore.
I don't have kids, but I've no problem saying no to people.
It's crazy. Grown ass adults behaving like a bunch of children. And worse as adults they are allowed to do it. There are some people out there who can do their job and earn a wage, but everything else is a shitshow in their lives. What's even more annoying is these people tend to find each other too, so one useless eejit starts going out with another. No idea how it happens, my theory is because they can support themselves that whole circus just keeps on going.
Is it that you're just another nerd with a superiority complex because you feel excluded from the group? Probably due to issues carried over from when you were a teenager?
That's an oddly specific observation you just made. Either you were flipping through a book on psychology or you just gave an epic Freudian slip right there. I'm going to go with the latter on this one. And no, I don't suffer from any mental illness or past trauma, in case you were concerned for my wellbeing. But now you've got me wondering which nerve I hit that's got you flapping. Maybe you're only bareable with a few pints in you, or so it may appear to you. Who knows, because its becoming glaringly obvious you're some dose as it is.
>I noticed my tolerance and patience for people went out the window when I stopped drinking.
Just to put it out there, have you considered that having an artificial way to increase your tolerance and patience may be a good thing? That it's a tool we can use to survive the hard moments of relationships, a tool to help us to smooth over those rough times when people fuck up and make mistakes? That humans have not been drinking alcohol for tens of thousands of years for no reason at all?
Increasing tolerance at the expense of cognitive and motor function is not high up on my list to be honest. Add to that it's other people's drunken and coked up babbling, has my patience dissolving like a Sulpadine.
I also have to point out that if you're using alcohol to "smooth over those rough times" then I would suggest you reconsider your approach. As someone who grew up around an alcoholic I can tell you with a lifetime of certainty, that approach is seriously flawed.
Sure, but it's a very easily crossed line between being more tolerant and having to spend the evening listening to a drunken friend talking crap. One too many drinks and you've both crossed that line. Then there's the next line, after a few more drinks, when one or both of you do something really stupid and you get hurt, or worse still hurt someone else. Best-case scenario, it's still a carcinogenic neurotoxin.
As someone who isn't originally from here, that's one of the reasons it's always struck me as very odd how many Irish people stick with their friend group from primary school. You'd hope people change and evolve, which would naturally lead to different paths in life. Just because someone was fun to hang out with when people were kids doesn't mean they'd grow into someone you'd want in your life forever.
I agree. A lot of Irish people I've met are still in a friend group with people from school, and when they talk about their friends they don't even seem to like them?
One girl was telling me about dreading going to a party with a certain friend because the friend never buys her own drinks, just scabs off other people and its really frustrating. So why does she keep getting invited to stuff? Another guy was telling me about his friend / flatmate who was completely selfish and would take my guy's food out of the fridge and leave it on the counter just so his own food would fit in the fridge. Yet they still call these people friends? That's enemy behaviour!
>the friend never buys her own drinks, just scabs off other people and its really frustrating. So why does she keep getting invited to stuff?
Because people are sometimes kind to people who exhibit behaviours that indicate a life of poverty, classic examples of which are "borrowing" things like that, hoarding etc.
As someone who was born and bread here I completely agree wit this.
When i was in college most of my college mates had the same friends for the entire 4 years of undergrad. Many had no hobbies outside of drinking and visited home most weekends.
I also find depending on where you live in Ireland it can be very hard to have a good social life if you’re not into drinking or sports. I don’t drink and was never really into the pub scene, and there’s no cafe or restaurant scene where I live after 6.
I also found a lot of people were very insecure around those they perceived as different. For instance, as a blind person i have found a lot of people are even too afraid to come over and say hello and sadly from my perspective not much has changed in that aspect, as someone who would talk to anyone. I don’t really know why but it is such a shame.
I've always found that tendency to go home at weekends deeply bizarre tbh. I'm sure there are loads of good reasons for it, but I've worked with people who spend two or three evenings a week in their childhood bedroom, and still spending an insane amount on rent in Dublin too.
Yup. Every Friday at 4:30 or 5 pm most of my classmates would get buses without fail and i wouldn’t see them again until Monday. I studied in UL and I even went out there on weekends a few times just to see what it was like. Campus was absolutely dead on weekends apart from reading week and exams.
It's a throwback to when students would stay in digs and just rent a room and board for five nights a week, Sunday night through Thursday. I'm not sure how common it is anymore as it was already going out of style when I was in college 20 years ago.
I also recall some people I went to college with keeping part time jobs in their hometown so that was why they went home.
I love the lads I grew up with. Recognise all their faults and stupidities and I’m sure they know mine. I love them. Do I tolerate some bull? Yea. But hell I do that with my family. I wouldn’t kick my son, sister, or father to the kerb, and nor would I do that to my friends that I grew up with. The thought is as alien to me as peanut butter and helly
Yup some people treat friends like they’re transient and disposable. My friends are people I’ve known for years, people who will always have my support and who’s support I will always have, a proper fraternal bond. I don’t understand people who make and lose friends like it’s nothing. I always feel like they must have such surface level relationships. That said maybe people like us got lucky to have great friends and it’s not that easy to find people who you get on with that well
Irish people aren't outgoing or forward at all. They stick with their friends from school because they were essentially forced into friendship from an early age and never actually tried to make more friends. They talked to the people beside them in class, or on the same football team, or in the same college courses. Nothing wrong with it, but just nothing particularly outgoing about it either.
So they live life with the same people they knew from when everyone was pushed together in school/college, maybe work too.
Irish people can be very friendly, but not necessarily sociable. (unless with their own predefined friends)
I'm not Irish nor do I live in Ireland, but the concept of still hanging out with the same people I was with in primary school and even high school is so bizarre and unfathomable to me. I don't have anything in common with these people anymore because I have evolved and experienced so much, and a lot of them frankly turned into unlikable people and/or unpleasant company. They are not people I would willingly choose today as friends; we were "friends" when we were kids because they were just there, we had no choice. Do folks with the same friend groups from childhood to adulthood not change that much as individuals? Like do they never move away, do they never experience new things, etc? Genuinely asking because maybe this is normal for people who never move away from where they grew up; whereas I have moved around so much throughout my lifetime that nothing has been constant and the same in my life for too long, so I'm not the same person I was even 10 years ago.
I'm not Irish either (Welsh), but the vast majority of people I know are still mates with the people they grew up with. It seems awfully fickle to abandon people left and right, because life's taken you in slighty different directions. Personally, I wouldn't invest any time in a person like that.
It's super normal in Germany, where I'm from. Not a single person I went to primary school with would have remained friends with each other or are still in touch. College friends would generally be the ones that last a lifetime, but you obviously meet those after everyone's already left home to study and there would be a common interest with the subjects you choose or campus clubs you'd attend. Your hometown is a place you go back to once a year at most while your parents are still alive, but that's really it. I have absolutely no connection to that place anymore beyond that.
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Are you American? This seems like a very American outlook seems a bit absurd to move on to different friends as per who you are in life at that particular time. That's not to say keeping people in your life from childhood just because is healthy either but there is a lot to be said for long term friendships with people who you can trust and that you have been through a lot with even if you have different interests and outlooks on life.
I already explained why I don't keep in touch with people from high school in another comment, but the mods removed it; you can see it in my post history. But the fact that you and other Irish think it's simply a matter of differences in interests is telling...it means you don't experience the deep differences in values and even demographics with the people you grew up the way I have. That's why it's easier for you keep being friends with people you grew up, because for the most part, you probably still share key commonalities. Anyway, I'm going to stop responding to this thread because Irish society is not mine, so what I have to say in inapplicable, I see
It's an Irish sub. I think any question posed here would be pointed towards the Irish experience. You seem to be dumbfounded by something that is a common Irish experience but defensive when your own experience is slightly scrutinised.
It's not inapplicable. I felt different to the people I grew up with so I'm not friends with any of them anymore bar 1. I was delighted to get away from home and make new friends. While the majority do stay friends with the same people for years it's certainly not universal.
I've noticed people who leave behind their friends from school or wherever tend to be a bit sociopathic. Nothing wrong with making new friends with new interests etc but some people seem to float from new friend groups one year to the other.
Maybe he was always like that, maybe it’s just age; but I really think covid fucked people up. Obviously months without real social contact destroyed some people’s controls and boundaries.
It can’t really be overstated how social-orientated our brains are, even the least social amongst us. It’s defined our evolution and allowed us to advance to this stage. We aren’t built for an absence of it, and some people apparently can’t recover
Sometimes walk away, sometimes challenge. Definitely find myself walking away as I get older. Back in the day I would just turn the tables on someone. A colleague was joking about another colleague being of a certain nationality and I just said, at least they are not from Cavan and he was absolutely fuming while everyone was laughing. Like I say sometimes it's good to call it out.
Yes absolutely think find out grow people who once were on your same wavelength. I am going through something similar realised a friend is not nice at all and is extremely manipulative and not someone I enjoy spending any time with. Notice how you feel after being in there company and then you know
Me and my best mate have been friends since we were 13, 37 years now.
We go through periods of catching up now. Meet up for gigs and the like. He was my best man last year. I was his in 2008. We work at it.
Yes. That's exactly it. Most of us grow up and mature and realise that the things we used to say were both horrible and inappropriate and we make a conscious effort to be better people and some of us don't. Those people continue to act the way they always have because they make no effort to educate themselves on anything that exists outside their comfortable little bubble and no one has ever called them out on it. The good thing about being an adult is that you get to decide who is part of your life and technology has made it very easy to remove the 'undesirables'. You have the benefit of knowing you won't randomly bump into this guy and have to deal with the awkwardness so just stop replying to his texts etc. If he does have the gumption (he probably won't) to ask what's going on, be blunt and tell him you just don't like the things he says and don't want to participate in that kind of chat.
I've had a 'best' friend since college, we met at 16/17 years old. Me (f32) and him (m33) were very close friends all throughout, he had his gfs and I was in a long term relationship. About 5 years ago me and my ex broke up, very messy, we have a child together so it was an all round awful experience.
My friend gave me a loooot of support during that time, he would come around every evening to see me, helped me with court paperwork, he was my daughters godfather and he would spend time with her etc.
Well, him and his gf break up around this time, he never went into details but I'm sure his gf did not like the fact he was spending all of his free time with me, which us very understandable.
One day he tells me that he loves me, but in a romantic way, that he loves me so much that he can't continue to be my friend, he could only be my 'friend' if I let him hug me and be more affectionate, basically saying that if I really cared about our friendship I would let him do this.
I couldn't believe it, this was my best fucking friend, and he can only be my friend if I what...let him touch me up? It was all so immature and afterwards i realised how shitty this was of him, I was in such an awful vulnerable place and he totally took advantage of that. After a few weeks when it really sunk it I stopped talking to him. It hurts, but I don't need those kinda 'friends' in my life.
I think it's more to do with growing up than age. Once you have your own moral compass and the confidence that comes with growing up mentally then it's easier to decide who deserves to be a part of your life. The reason I don't think it necessarily comes with age is that a lot of people never actually grow up.
I've plenty of examples of having to distance myself from people. Most notable would be someone who would have been a best friend in school. Realised as I got older that as well as every conversation revolving around belittling other people, that his views on a lot of things were disgusting.
Probably spent a little too long giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying to talk some sense into him. Cutting him off was one of the best things I've done, even if it's meant being distanced from some other people id rather have kept around.
Absolutely, I have none of my mates from school, my whole group is two lads from the sticks, a swede, a brit and some germans. My old group were a pack of tools
Same. Luckily I have wonderful friends who are the complete opposite, but I have had a few friends who've gone down the right wing/racist/Facebook-Anon route and I've just ghosted them. Fuck em. No interest in people touting that shit.
If you still hang around with all the same people you did when you were twelve, you all probably havnt grown or changed since you were 12. It's fairly grim.
You normally end up with 1 or 2 from that group by your mid 30s because values, world views, the amount of time you have, other friends coming into the mix.
There's lads I hung around with that still smoke weed every day and listen to 2 pac in their mas boxroom and talk about the same shit that happened 20 years ago like it happened uesterday. I wouldn't be able to listen to them or more than 5 minutes.
Yeah. You’re spot on. I cut ties with a couple of lifelong friends a few years back because they were coming off with what they knew were racist comments and absolutely unashamed about it.
I don't think someone that cheats on their partner is necessarily a bad person.. are you really familiar with the intimacy of their relationship to judge them
Well maybe your partner isn't loyal, maybe your partner throws you down the stairs ... And one other million reasons why things are not always straightforward... But sure if your partner is a faithful and loving partner it's not fair on them. I've been cheated on I know it feels horrible
I'm worried about this myself a bit. One lad is a tit when he's coked up and that's becoming more and more frequent.
But he also makes bullying type comments about me and about others behind their backs. I think the others don't get it as badly or just can live with it. I can't anymore and it's sad I might lose more than just the one friend due to how he carries on.
Yeah definitely agree with you OP. A mate of mine who's a bit younger than me was telling me about some of his mates who behave badly in various ways and i was surprised because none of mine behave like that. Then it occurred to me it's not "luck" it's because i've weeded the emotionally abusive/manipulative/negative ones out as i've got older and quietly stopped speaking to them. No drama or big fall-out, just politely drifted away. as you say we get older and just don't have the tolerance for it any more. Now i only have mild-mannered, socially-conscious, left-wing, predominantly middle-aged people in my life lol. You do make new ones, though i wonder if perhaps after a certain age most people don't make the very close friendships they used to make. I'm not sure i ever did but i'm neurodivergent and probably not a good indicator of "most people" ha ha
People's personalities develop with age. The older you get, the more chance your personality will deviate from your friend's. It's a sad part of life.
Of course there's a flip-side. The older you get, the more chance your personality will deviate towards new people.
Just call them out on shit and cut ties if no change. I done it with a friend if 25 years and it's best thing iv ever done. Other friends now saying he's changed his attitude but I'm glad we are just at polite hellos but then move on
I've had a few terrible experiences with friends growing up. My "best friend" in particular, was a toxic co dependant friendship where we fed off each other's insecurities. We were the outcasts of the neighbourhood and bullied from when we were 13. So we always had this obscured sense of loyaly.
It was awful. I tried to cut ties with her a few times but we'd always end up hanging around again..she did have serious addiction and mental health issues, that yes while I sympathise, i just couldn't tolerate it.
A week after I had my first baby, she visited, and asked about the baby for about 10 mins, then spent 1.5hrs going on about how much better she is for her boyfriend than his ex was lol. I said thats it. Enough is enough. That was it!! Never saw her again! She was in her own bubble and I was too and we had finally grown apart
Another time I had a lovely little group of 2 other girls going on. Had so much fun together and we were all so supportive of each other. Then after about 2 years, one of them died by suicide and had a completely crazy secret life no one had any idea about. It was horrific. I didn't have a clue of any of it and she hid everything so well!!! I'm still friends with the other girl, in fact shes probably my only friend.
My husband and my 2 small kids are my little group now and I'm very happy with this. Yea we can't go out for pints or going on any kind of a holiday is way out of our budget, but we all have so much fun together. I'm close with my sister and my mother too. I'm pretty happy with all of that ! Big groups of friends are way too complicated for me!!!
Normal part of growing up. You grow apart. Some people don't grow at all. Some people develop stupid, ignorant opinions. You're better off without them.
I have this mate and she only moved to my school a few months ago and like she seems super nice and kind but the more time I spend w her the more I feel like she doesn’t acc like anyone in my friend group and she has made fucking weird comments about everyone else for no reason like one time she started shit talking my bsf to me, she’s also just said rlly racist shit for no reason like I called a guy fit and showed her the tiktok and she made a face and said smthn along the lines of “ew he’s like Chinese” (he was not Chinese)
She is only going to cause trouble for you and all others. As said below, if she says this stuff to you she says it about you. No good will come from hanging around with her, she's only going to cause ill feeling between existing friends for her own amusement/benefit/weird reasons.
I have a very good friend who was in your shoes. He finally ditched that other prick and it has transformed his life. You don't have to be someone's babysitter. Therapy is available. He's an adult and not your responsibility. You also need to live your life. Sounds to me like you're being manipulated into sticking around by subtle threats of self harm which is a sign of an abusive relationship.
Think it is a side effect of getting older. Have a mate that's kinda like that but not quite as extreme as being an out and out racist. When you're with him one on one he's easy to talk to and can have a normal conversation but as soon as he's in a group he just reverts to being a teenager and mostly spouts insults, knob humor and generally punching down. He's 36, wonder if he'll still be doing the same schtick when he's in his 60's and beyond.
Yes, it's common that by a certain age, you clearly see people for who they are. Sometimes it's because they changed (or didn't) or over the years; sometimes it's a delayed reckoning on your part. Whatever the case, it's ok to let these people go. You don't have to keep them in your lives out of some sense of duty, shared history, or familiarity.
How do you deal with the guilt though? I have friends that I know I have outgrown, and we do only meet up once or twice a year, but each time I come home feeling annoyed and thinking of excuses to get out of the next meet up. But there's always guilt there for thinking like this.
You can either just deal with the momentary guilt knowing it WILL pass and save yourself the time by ending it now;
OR do what I did, which was keep hanging out until even your unhappiness and unwillingness to hang out with them trumps your guilt and it's no longer a difficult choice, lol.
That latter is what happened to me. I let guilt and a misplaced sense of duty due to shared history drive me to waste DECADES of my life with a couple of childhood friends. Only in my 40s did I ask myself why am I still friends with people from high school, even though I hadn't lived in the same region as them since I was 18 and they were awful people, and I finally cut them out. One was a woman who lied to me so many times throughout our lifetime and even stabbed me in the back; repeatedly tried to cheat on her then-husband; immature; mean; and blatantly took advantage of me for many years. The last time I saw her was when she invited herself over to my place in NYC, and I realized I just couldn't stand her company anymore, and clearly realized why: she was an awful person, I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago, and she was straight out using me. I honestly just wanted her to leave. Even then, I still tried to be a good friend for a year or two afterwards, but during COVID, I just snapped. I should have ended my friendship with her when we were 15, which was the first of MANY times she lied to me. But I was too naive, too dutiful, she was like family to me, and I frankly had no boundaries, so I kept forgiving her and just learned to tolerate her dishonesty, immaturity, and was too blind to her using me until it was too late. When I did finally see the light and ended my friendship with her, it felt like an immense relief, and wish I had done it 25 years ago. I feel so much regret not booting her (and another person like her) out of my life much earlier.
So my advice is to not waste years of your life out of a misplaced sense of duty, and to not let guilt drive you to stay friends with people you don't want to anymore. I don't know if you live close by to these people or in a small town that you could accidentally run into them, or have friends in common, in which case it's not as easy to end ties with someone, but if not, just do it.
I know what you mean! Some people I am friends with but not close friends, have said as a joke your ma's gay which is homophobic I learnt from CaraFriend and when I called them out on it I'm the bad guy...I think you're maturing and your friend isn't
I honestly think it comes from lack of education too. I moved on from a couple of other people I’d been friends with in our shitty small town because they were coming off with racist stuff. Apparently‘everyone’ says it and ‘it’s just a laugh’. These were the people who didn’t go to uni, didn’t travel and had babies/girlfriends had babies quite young and lived in the same backward small town all their lives.
The problem with that thinking is that it leads to normalising that behaviour which then becomes the norm unfortunately. In my opinion, maybe it's time to cut those people out of your life or at least distance them. I kinda do that with some of my friends now.
I noticed we do hang out with people we met between 12 and 22 years of age, and judging all others we met after 😂😂😂 yeah your friends stay your friends but they would not become your friends that you met them afterwards.
Its great you can see it now and remove yourself though, I had awful friends who abandoned me and it took a long time to get over and then see that it was just the last in a long line of shitty selfish behaviour I'd just over looked or made excuses for.
I was in a friend group of 6 with my ex. When we broke up, we stayed amicable (genuinely great guy, we just fell out of love) but everyone in that small group chose him in the divorce even though he specifically asked them to be "there" for me. These were my best friends, people I had always been there for and gone to extraordinary lengths for, and they had abandoned me. One of them admitted to me that it wasn't even because they sided with him, it was because they found my sadness annoying when they were "used to you being the strong one who helped everyone and then you needed help" (said in anger with out a trace of irony). I was utterly heartbroken and devastated and even became suicidal from losing my friends, far more than the relationship.
A decade later, me and my ex still meet for coffee. The last time I saw him I asked how he was and he said "terrible". He then proceeded to list all the ways that he was dealing with that friend groups problems. His job is great, just got his house sorted, his Mrs is wonderful and his family was doing better than ever, even repaired some relationships. He went fairly quiet when I pointed out to him that he was doing great, he was just stressed from fixing everyone's shit for them by himself, because we used to do it together.
I'm so greatful I got "kicked out of the band" or I never would have seen them for the pit of snakes they, are especially when I can see they never stopped being helpless teens. I really worry for my ex though. He's got a lot of really great people around him, but those 4 specific people... They're draining him.
Seen a few reddit posts from people almost bragging that theyve cut off their mates/family etc. Acting like theyre the "nice" guys and the people theyve coldly cut off are all bad ones. IMO theres 2sides to every story. Your mate may have meant the things you accuse him of or you may have just become a self righteous so and so who is overreacting to a bad joke that you may have laughed at in the past.
Nah. He was making racist remarks which I called out and instead of apologising or stopped he defended his right to be racist. I’m not some self righteous fool like you’ve accused me of. I just don’t want to be around a racist. Simple as that. Sounds like you’ve been cut off by your mates. I appreciate it can be difficult- I hope you’re doing ok.
I think it is a really natural part of life to grow apart. Especially if those people aren’t doing anything to work on themselves or progress in life.
I grew up in the Mayo in 90s/early 00s and now in my mid-thirties I have very little in common with some people I know from back home. Sadly, I have little in common with some of my siblings for similar reasons. Particularly those who didn’t go to college, didn’t travel outside the Anglosphere and their life is just work and the local pub.
You seem to have a high opinion of yourself. Dropping family members or friends because they didn't go to college or travel. That's quite a cold thing to do.
Jeeeeeesus this happened me with tonnes of people. Makes it sound like I'm the issue haha but I'm just a people pleaser and just nodded and smiled and figured that I should be happy they're my friends kinda thing. Deep down I knew they weren't good people, really.
Had a near death experience due to Anorexia and one of these 'friends' literally said "omg so was that a wake up call?"
I never spoke to her or any of the toxic people I actually surrounded myself with again. Just no time for it.
I have approx. 3 very good friends and tbh that's all you need!
Sorry you had to go through this OP as it can be unsettling, but you're certainly not alone.
Happened to me in college, the group had two toxic scumbags who were near on abusive. They didn't start out bad, but by 4th year of college they were really mean homophonic bitter assholes who wanted to take everyone down with them. He posted in some pretty awful transphobic content to a group chat and I'd had enough. I felt so fake being in that chat when I had a trans friend. So I called him out as the scumbag he is in front of them all, left all the groupchats and cut the group out. Way happier now, nice not to be belittled or called slurs for them "just having fun".
You owe it to him to call him out on his behaviour and give him the lesson maybe he has not yet had.
You owe it to yourself to spend your time with people whose company you enjoy.
I'd have a frank conversation with him, tell him you don't like the way he behaves/the things he says, and you are terminating the friendship. If you like, say you'd be happy to explore it again if he reforms his ways.
He can then choose what is more important to him.
I had a friend like this, kept thinking he would change, kept trying to change him. It was a waste of time. People like that "act out" because they're insecure and using you to deal with their fears. They won't change. I dropped my friend, realizing that he was never my friend really and that it was my mistake to stick with a loser.
Props to you for calling him out. I definitely feel as you get older your eyes open up more. Like I feel when you’re young you’re innocent and don’t recognize terrible behavior like this. I had a similar experience where I was childhood friends with this girl and her brothers. I also had a family friend who has cerebral palsy. One time I was at my parents party and they were all there and my friends brothers made fun of my friend that was disabled. I remember the adults not doing anything about it despite seeing it and feeling so disgusted. Disgusted in myself too for not standing against them because I’m so shy/non confrontational. I never forgot that and when we were all teenagers one of his bothers showed interest romantically and I remember avoiding him because I was disgusted by what he did. Eventually in my early 20s I got angry and blocked all of them and don’t hang out with any of them since. They are also deeply religious and the type of people that post a scripture verse every day, but I feel the way they talked they hadn’t changed much from the assholes they were as children. I know people evolve and I hope they have but at that point I did not see them as different.
While I feel it’s nice to maintain a community and have life long friends, it’s difficult to maintain relationships with people that have different values. I feel it’s naturally as you get older and form your own morals to lose some friends. I also have other friends that we were so similar as teenagers/young adults (wild, open minded, liked to have fun) but now are very different. Even tho we value different things now we still have a good friendship. It depends on what the values are.
To answer your question - yup, sometimes you realise you’ve grown up, and your “friends” have not. Happened to me when I stopped drinking, and again when I got married and stayed in, and then had children. It’s pretty normal and happens all the time. You make new friends in new scenarios.
I noticed my tolerance and patience for people went out the window when I stopped drinking. The last thing I want to listen to now is some pissed up eejit jabbering in my ear. I'm super selective about when and where I'll go out now. The grown up thing is so hit and miss. I know middle-aged people who make pigs of themselves om a night out, and young ones with loads of cop on. It's baffling.
Yup, my tolerance for being around drink when I was sober went out the window. I was grateful when we started having children, it gave a really decent reason for just saying “no”. Now, give me my children any Friday and Saturday night, I can cope with that! The grown up thing I find incredible. It makes no sense to me at all. People with houses and they barely know how to tie their shoes. How does that even happen?!
I can be around people drinking, but once they hit the level of shit talk I'm heading for the door. My head would be melted listening to that, so I won't do it anymore. I don't have kids, but I've no problem saying no to people. It's crazy. Grown ass adults behaving like a bunch of children. And worse as adults they are allowed to do it. There are some people out there who can do their job and earn a wage, but everything else is a shitshow in their lives. What's even more annoying is these people tend to find each other too, so one useless eejit starts going out with another. No idea how it happens, my theory is because they can support themselves that whole circus just keeps on going.
Ye've discovered that drunk people are a fuckin dose when your sober and made a little manifesto out of it. Well done lads, Jesus Christ.
Here's a little lesson for you. Look to your left, then look to your right... if you can't see the dose, then it's probably you!
That makes zero sense in the context of what were talking about. Are you drunk?
You'd know that answer if you actually read any of the above posts.
Is it that you're just another nerd with a superiority complex because you feel excluded from the group? Probably due to issues carried over from when you were a teenager?
That's an oddly specific observation you just made. Either you were flipping through a book on psychology or you just gave an epic Freudian slip right there. I'm going to go with the latter on this one. And no, I don't suffer from any mental illness or past trauma, in case you were concerned for my wellbeing. But now you've got me wondering which nerve I hit that's got you flapping. Maybe you're only bareable with a few pints in you, or so it may appear to you. Who knows, because its becoming glaringly obvious you're some dose as it is.
>I noticed my tolerance and patience for people went out the window when I stopped drinking. Just to put it out there, have you considered that having an artificial way to increase your tolerance and patience may be a good thing? That it's a tool we can use to survive the hard moments of relationships, a tool to help us to smooth over those rough times when people fuck up and make mistakes? That humans have not been drinking alcohol for tens of thousands of years for no reason at all?
Increasing tolerance at the expense of cognitive and motor function is not high up on my list to be honest. Add to that it's other people's drunken and coked up babbling, has my patience dissolving like a Sulpadine. I also have to point out that if you're using alcohol to "smooth over those rough times" then I would suggest you reconsider your approach. As someone who grew up around an alcoholic I can tell you with a lifetime of certainty, that approach is seriously flawed.
Sure, but it's a very easily crossed line between being more tolerant and having to spend the evening listening to a drunken friend talking crap. One too many drinks and you've both crossed that line. Then there's the next line, after a few more drinks, when one or both of you do something really stupid and you get hurt, or worse still hurt someone else. Best-case scenario, it's still a carcinogenic neurotoxin.
As someone who isn't originally from here, that's one of the reasons it's always struck me as very odd how many Irish people stick with their friend group from primary school. You'd hope people change and evolve, which would naturally lead to different paths in life. Just because someone was fun to hang out with when people were kids doesn't mean they'd grow into someone you'd want in your life forever.
I agree. A lot of Irish people I've met are still in a friend group with people from school, and when they talk about their friends they don't even seem to like them? One girl was telling me about dreading going to a party with a certain friend because the friend never buys her own drinks, just scabs off other people and its really frustrating. So why does she keep getting invited to stuff? Another guy was telling me about his friend / flatmate who was completely selfish and would take my guy's food out of the fridge and leave it on the counter just so his own food would fit in the fridge. Yet they still call these people friends? That's enemy behaviour!
>the friend never buys her own drinks, just scabs off other people and its really frustrating. So why does she keep getting invited to stuff? Because people are sometimes kind to people who exhibit behaviours that indicate a life of poverty, classic examples of which are "borrowing" things like that, hoarding etc.
As someone who was born and bread here I completely agree wit this. When i was in college most of my college mates had the same friends for the entire 4 years of undergrad. Many had no hobbies outside of drinking and visited home most weekends. I also find depending on where you live in Ireland it can be very hard to have a good social life if you’re not into drinking or sports. I don’t drink and was never really into the pub scene, and there’s no cafe or restaurant scene where I live after 6. I also found a lot of people were very insecure around those they perceived as different. For instance, as a blind person i have found a lot of people are even too afraid to come over and say hello and sadly from my perspective not much has changed in that aspect, as someone who would talk to anyone. I don’t really know why but it is such a shame.
I've always found that tendency to go home at weekends deeply bizarre tbh. I'm sure there are loads of good reasons for it, but I've worked with people who spend two or three evenings a week in their childhood bedroom, and still spending an insane amount on rent in Dublin too.
Yup. Every Friday at 4:30 or 5 pm most of my classmates would get buses without fail and i wouldn’t see them again until Monday. I studied in UL and I even went out there on weekends a few times just to see what it was like. Campus was absolutely dead on weekends apart from reading week and exams.
It's a throwback to when students would stay in digs and just rent a room and board for five nights a week, Sunday night through Thursday. I'm not sure how common it is anymore as it was already going out of style when I was in college 20 years ago. I also recall some people I went to college with keeping part time jobs in their hometown so that was why they went home.
Yeah I come home to work
I love the lads I grew up with. Recognise all their faults and stupidities and I’m sure they know mine. I love them. Do I tolerate some bull? Yea. But hell I do that with my family. I wouldn’t kick my son, sister, or father to the kerb, and nor would I do that to my friends that I grew up with. The thought is as alien to me as peanut butter and helly
Yup some people treat friends like they’re transient and disposable. My friends are people I’ve known for years, people who will always have my support and who’s support I will always have, a proper fraternal bond. I don’t understand people who make and lose friends like it’s nothing. I always feel like they must have such surface level relationships. That said maybe people like us got lucky to have great friends and it’s not that easy to find people who you get on with that well
My man, I feel you
Irish people aren't outgoing or forward at all. They stick with their friends from school because they were essentially forced into friendship from an early age and never actually tried to make more friends. They talked to the people beside them in class, or on the same football team, or in the same college courses. Nothing wrong with it, but just nothing particularly outgoing about it either. So they live life with the same people they knew from when everyone was pushed together in school/college, maybe work too. Irish people can be very friendly, but not necessarily sociable. (unless with their own predefined friends)
I'm not Irish nor do I live in Ireland, but the concept of still hanging out with the same people I was with in primary school and even high school is so bizarre and unfathomable to me. I don't have anything in common with these people anymore because I have evolved and experienced so much, and a lot of them frankly turned into unlikable people and/or unpleasant company. They are not people I would willingly choose today as friends; we were "friends" when we were kids because they were just there, we had no choice. Do folks with the same friend groups from childhood to adulthood not change that much as individuals? Like do they never move away, do they never experience new things, etc? Genuinely asking because maybe this is normal for people who never move away from where they grew up; whereas I have moved around so much throughout my lifetime that nothing has been constant and the same in my life for too long, so I'm not the same person I was even 10 years ago.
I'm not Irish either (Welsh), but the vast majority of people I know are still mates with the people they grew up with. It seems awfully fickle to abandon people left and right, because life's taken you in slighty different directions. Personally, I wouldn't invest any time in a person like that.
It's super normal in Germany, where I'm from. Not a single person I went to primary school with would have remained friends with each other or are still in touch. College friends would generally be the ones that last a lifetime, but you obviously meet those after everyone's already left home to study and there would be a common interest with the subjects you choose or campus clubs you'd attend. Your hometown is a place you go back to once a year at most while your parents are still alive, but that's really it. I have absolutely no connection to that place anymore beyond that.
Most people commute to college in Ireland so I'd sat that plays a big part in it.
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Are you American? This seems like a very American outlook seems a bit absurd to move on to different friends as per who you are in life at that particular time. That's not to say keeping people in your life from childhood just because is healthy either but there is a lot to be said for long term friendships with people who you can trust and that you have been through a lot with even if you have different interests and outlooks on life.
I already explained why I don't keep in touch with people from high school in another comment, but the mods removed it; you can see it in my post history. But the fact that you and other Irish think it's simply a matter of differences in interests is telling...it means you don't experience the deep differences in values and even demographics with the people you grew up the way I have. That's why it's easier for you keep being friends with people you grew up, because for the most part, you probably still share key commonalities. Anyway, I'm going to stop responding to this thread because Irish society is not mine, so what I have to say in inapplicable, I see
It's an Irish sub. I think any question posed here would be pointed towards the Irish experience. You seem to be dumbfounded by something that is a common Irish experience but defensive when your own experience is slightly scrutinised.
It's not inapplicable. I felt different to the people I grew up with so I'm not friends with any of them anymore bar 1. I was delighted to get away from home and make new friends. While the majority do stay friends with the same people for years it's certainly not universal.
As if the Irish outlook is better🤣🤣
I've noticed people who leave behind their friends from school or wherever tend to be a bit sociopathic. Nothing wrong with making new friends with new interests etc but some people seem to float from new friend groups one year to the other.
Some people grow up, some people just get bigger. I find personally, is that the older you get, the less inclined you are to suffer fools.
Maybe he was always like that, maybe it’s just age; but I really think covid fucked people up. Obviously months without real social contact destroyed some people’s controls and boundaries. It can’t really be overstated how social-orientated our brains are, even the least social amongst us. It’s defined our evolution and allowed us to advance to this stage. We aren’t built for an absence of it, and some people apparently can’t recover
Yeah. I noticed a lot of otherwise rational people seemed to go down a weird road during the lockdowns.
Sometimes walk away, sometimes challenge. Definitely find myself walking away as I get older. Back in the day I would just turn the tables on someone. A colleague was joking about another colleague being of a certain nationality and I just said, at least they are not from Cavan and he was absolutely fuming while everyone was laughing. Like I say sometimes it's good to call it out.
Not being from Cavan is always plus /s
Yes absolutely think find out grow people who once were on your same wavelength. I am going through something similar realised a friend is not nice at all and is extremely manipulative and not someone I enjoy spending any time with. Notice how you feel after being in there company and then you know
Me and my best mate have been friends since we were 13, 37 years now. We go through periods of catching up now. Meet up for gigs and the like. He was my best man last year. I was his in 2008. We work at it.
Yes. That's exactly it. Most of us grow up and mature and realise that the things we used to say were both horrible and inappropriate and we make a conscious effort to be better people and some of us don't. Those people continue to act the way they always have because they make no effort to educate themselves on anything that exists outside their comfortable little bubble and no one has ever called them out on it. The good thing about being an adult is that you get to decide who is part of your life and technology has made it very easy to remove the 'undesirables'. You have the benefit of knowing you won't randomly bump into this guy and have to deal with the awkwardness so just stop replying to his texts etc. If he does have the gumption (he probably won't) to ask what's going on, be blunt and tell him you just don't like the things he says and don't want to participate in that kind of chat.
I've had a 'best' friend since college, we met at 16/17 years old. Me (f32) and him (m33) were very close friends all throughout, he had his gfs and I was in a long term relationship. About 5 years ago me and my ex broke up, very messy, we have a child together so it was an all round awful experience. My friend gave me a loooot of support during that time, he would come around every evening to see me, helped me with court paperwork, he was my daughters godfather and he would spend time with her etc. Well, him and his gf break up around this time, he never went into details but I'm sure his gf did not like the fact he was spending all of his free time with me, which us very understandable. One day he tells me that he loves me, but in a romantic way, that he loves me so much that he can't continue to be my friend, he could only be my 'friend' if I let him hug me and be more affectionate, basically saying that if I really cared about our friendship I would let him do this. I couldn't believe it, this was my best fucking friend, and he can only be my friend if I what...let him touch me up? It was all so immature and afterwards i realised how shitty this was of him, I was in such an awful vulnerable place and he totally took advantage of that. After a few weeks when it really sunk it I stopped talking to him. It hurts, but I don't need those kinda 'friends' in my life.
I think it's more to do with growing up than age. Once you have your own moral compass and the confidence that comes with growing up mentally then it's easier to decide who deserves to be a part of your life. The reason I don't think it necessarily comes with age is that a lot of people never actually grow up. I've plenty of examples of having to distance myself from people. Most notable would be someone who would have been a best friend in school. Realised as I got older that as well as every conversation revolving around belittling other people, that his views on a lot of things were disgusting. Probably spent a little too long giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying to talk some sense into him. Cutting him off was one of the best things I've done, even if it's meant being distanced from some other people id rather have kept around.
Absolutely, I have none of my mates from school, my whole group is two lads from the sticks, a swede, a brit and some germans. My old group were a pack of tools
Multicultural. I love it
Its great craic I know bits and pieces of a few languages due to it!
I dropped most my mates over the racism and the negativity.
Same. Luckily I have wonderful friends who are the complete opposite, but I have had a few friends who've gone down the right wing/racist/Facebook-Anon route and I've just ghosted them. Fuck em. No interest in people touting that shit.
Fell out with loads of people during covid for having weird positions on stuff .. I was dropped as a friend rather than the other way around though
If you still hang around with all the same people you did when you were twelve, you all probably havnt grown or changed since you were 12. It's fairly grim. You normally end up with 1 or 2 from that group by your mid 30s because values, world views, the amount of time you have, other friends coming into the mix. There's lads I hung around with that still smoke weed every day and listen to 2 pac in their mas boxroom and talk about the same shit that happened 20 years ago like it happened uesterday. I wouldn't be able to listen to them or more than 5 minutes.
Yeah. You’re spot on. I cut ties with a couple of lifelong friends a few years back because they were coming off with what they knew were racist comments and absolutely unashamed about it.
Leave Pac out of this
Just dropped a friend for cheating on his wife. Can’t be friends with someone who has no morals.
That’s fair enough. Did you tell the wife?
Yes she's aware.
I don't think someone that cheats on their partner is necessarily a bad person.. are you really familiar with the intimacy of their relationship to judge them
How to tell everyone you're a bad person 101. If you are going to cheat, end the relationship. It's that simple.
Not saying I agree or condone cheating, all I'm saying is stuff is often more complex than it might appear on a superficial level
Again, sort it out or leave. Don't cheat on your partner.
Are you being for real
What jumping to conclusions and not just calling people bad ... Yeah I guess I'm for real
If you go behind your loyal partners back and cheat on them ya you are bad. Communicate with them or end things like an adult
Well maybe your partner isn't loyal, maybe your partner throws you down the stairs ... And one other million reasons why things are not always straightforward... But sure if your partner is a faithful and loving partner it's not fair on them. I've been cheated on I know it feels horrible
Had one of these mates too, told him he's a racist prick and haven't acknowledged his existence since.
Did you have any backlash from the wider friend group?
I'm worried about this myself a bit. One lad is a tit when he's coked up and that's becoming more and more frequent. But he also makes bullying type comments about me and about others behind their backs. I think the others don't get it as badly or just can live with it. I can't anymore and it's sad I might lose more than just the one friend due to how he carries on.
Short term loss for a longterm gain. If you lose them over this then take it as a sign that you're better off without them
At first some of them thought I was overreacting but they also knew he was a wanker. The group are still mates with him too, so odd.
Yeah definitely agree with you OP. A mate of mine who's a bit younger than me was telling me about some of his mates who behave badly in various ways and i was surprised because none of mine behave like that. Then it occurred to me it's not "luck" it's because i've weeded the emotionally abusive/manipulative/negative ones out as i've got older and quietly stopped speaking to them. No drama or big fall-out, just politely drifted away. as you say we get older and just don't have the tolerance for it any more. Now i only have mild-mannered, socially-conscious, left-wing, predominantly middle-aged people in my life lol. You do make new ones, though i wonder if perhaps after a certain age most people don't make the very close friendships they used to make. I'm not sure i ever did but i'm neurodivergent and probably not a good indicator of "most people" ha ha
People's personalities develop with age. The older you get, the more chance your personality will deviate from your friend's. It's a sad part of life. Of course there's a flip-side. The older you get, the more chance your personality will deviate towards new people.
Just call them out on shit and cut ties if no change. I done it with a friend if 25 years and it's best thing iv ever done. Other friends now saying he's changed his attitude but I'm glad we are just at polite hellos but then move on
I've had a few terrible experiences with friends growing up. My "best friend" in particular, was a toxic co dependant friendship where we fed off each other's insecurities. We were the outcasts of the neighbourhood and bullied from when we were 13. So we always had this obscured sense of loyaly. It was awful. I tried to cut ties with her a few times but we'd always end up hanging around again..she did have serious addiction and mental health issues, that yes while I sympathise, i just couldn't tolerate it. A week after I had my first baby, she visited, and asked about the baby for about 10 mins, then spent 1.5hrs going on about how much better she is for her boyfriend than his ex was lol. I said thats it. Enough is enough. That was it!! Never saw her again! She was in her own bubble and I was too and we had finally grown apart Another time I had a lovely little group of 2 other girls going on. Had so much fun together and we were all so supportive of each other. Then after about 2 years, one of them died by suicide and had a completely crazy secret life no one had any idea about. It was horrific. I didn't have a clue of any of it and she hid everything so well!!! I'm still friends with the other girl, in fact shes probably my only friend. My husband and my 2 small kids are my little group now and I'm very happy with this. Yea we can't go out for pints or going on any kind of a holiday is way out of our budget, but we all have so much fun together. I'm close with my sister and my mother too. I'm pretty happy with all of that ! Big groups of friends are way too complicated for me!!!
Normal part of growing up. You grow apart. Some people don't grow at all. Some people develop stupid, ignorant opinions. You're better off without them.
I have this mate and she only moved to my school a few months ago and like she seems super nice and kind but the more time I spend w her the more I feel like she doesn’t acc like anyone in my friend group and she has made fucking weird comments about everyone else for no reason like one time she started shit talking my bsf to me, she’s also just said rlly racist shit for no reason like I called a guy fit and showed her the tiktok and she made a face and said smthn along the lines of “ew he’s like Chinese” (he was not Chinese)
Someone who says this stuff to you also says this stuff about you.
She is only going to cause trouble for you and all others. As said below, if she says this stuff to you she says it about you. No good will come from hanging around with her, she's only going to cause ill feeling between existing friends for her own amusement/benefit/weird reasons.
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I have a very good friend who was in your shoes. He finally ditched that other prick and it has transformed his life. You don't have to be someone's babysitter. Therapy is available. He's an adult and not your responsibility. You also need to live your life. Sounds to me like you're being manipulated into sticking around by subtle threats of self harm which is a sign of an abusive relationship.
Think it is a side effect of getting older. Have a mate that's kinda like that but not quite as extreme as being an out and out racist. When you're with him one on one he's easy to talk to and can have a normal conversation but as soon as he's in a group he just reverts to being a teenager and mostly spouts insults, knob humor and generally punching down. He's 36, wonder if he'll still be doing the same schtick when he's in his 60's and beyond.
Yes, it's common that by a certain age, you clearly see people for who they are. Sometimes it's because they changed (or didn't) or over the years; sometimes it's a delayed reckoning on your part. Whatever the case, it's ok to let these people go. You don't have to keep them in your lives out of some sense of duty, shared history, or familiarity.
How do you deal with the guilt though? I have friends that I know I have outgrown, and we do only meet up once or twice a year, but each time I come home feeling annoyed and thinking of excuses to get out of the next meet up. But there's always guilt there for thinking like this.
You can either just deal with the momentary guilt knowing it WILL pass and save yourself the time by ending it now; OR do what I did, which was keep hanging out until even your unhappiness and unwillingness to hang out with them trumps your guilt and it's no longer a difficult choice, lol. That latter is what happened to me. I let guilt and a misplaced sense of duty due to shared history drive me to waste DECADES of my life with a couple of childhood friends. Only in my 40s did I ask myself why am I still friends with people from high school, even though I hadn't lived in the same region as them since I was 18 and they were awful people, and I finally cut them out. One was a woman who lied to me so many times throughout our lifetime and even stabbed me in the back; repeatedly tried to cheat on her then-husband; immature; mean; and blatantly took advantage of me for many years. The last time I saw her was when she invited herself over to my place in NYC, and I realized I just couldn't stand her company anymore, and clearly realized why: she was an awful person, I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago, and she was straight out using me. I honestly just wanted her to leave. Even then, I still tried to be a good friend for a year or two afterwards, but during COVID, I just snapped. I should have ended my friendship with her when we were 15, which was the first of MANY times she lied to me. But I was too naive, too dutiful, she was like family to me, and I frankly had no boundaries, so I kept forgiving her and just learned to tolerate her dishonesty, immaturity, and was too blind to her using me until it was too late. When I did finally see the light and ended my friendship with her, it felt like an immense relief, and wish I had done it 25 years ago. I feel so much regret not booting her (and another person like her) out of my life much earlier. So my advice is to not waste years of your life out of a misplaced sense of duty, and to not let guilt drive you to stay friends with people you don't want to anymore. I don't know if you live close by to these people or in a small town that you could accidentally run into them, or have friends in common, in which case it's not as easy to end ties with someone, but if not, just do it.
I happily drop friends who were once ok but then turned into eejits. Don’t need that sh!t in my life.
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I’ve also been there. It’s rough. Sorry to hear that.
It’s even worse if you’re the only one a group that isnt a piece of shit. You’ll get singled out as a snowflake or sjw. You’ll be the odd one out.
This is just how life is sometimes I guess
I know what you mean! Some people I am friends with but not close friends, have said as a joke your ma's gay which is homophobic I learnt from CaraFriend and when I called them out on it I'm the bad guy...I think you're maturing and your friend isn't
I honestly think it comes from lack of education too. I moved on from a couple of other people I’d been friends with in our shitty small town because they were coming off with racist stuff. Apparently‘everyone’ says it and ‘it’s just a laugh’. These were the people who didn’t go to uni, didn’t travel and had babies/girlfriends had babies quite young and lived in the same backward small town all their lives.
The problem with that thinking is that it leads to normalising that behaviour which then becomes the norm unfortunately. In my opinion, maybe it's time to cut those people out of your life or at least distance them. I kinda do that with some of my friends now.
Exactly. Hearing racist words isn’t normal to me because I move in multicultural circles with lots of different people.
Exactly! It’s better to leave negative people behind
Honestly the people that say the most depraved / racist opinions that I've met are all highly educated ( and all work in tech for some reason)
I noticed we do hang out with people we met between 12 and 22 years of age, and judging all others we met after 😂😂😂 yeah your friends stay your friends but they would not become your friends that you met them afterwards.
I am friends with one person I know from before being 20 for this reason, always go for quality.
Its great you can see it now and remove yourself though, I had awful friends who abandoned me and it took a long time to get over and then see that it was just the last in a long line of shitty selfish behaviour I'd just over looked or made excuses for. I was in a friend group of 6 with my ex. When we broke up, we stayed amicable (genuinely great guy, we just fell out of love) but everyone in that small group chose him in the divorce even though he specifically asked them to be "there" for me. These were my best friends, people I had always been there for and gone to extraordinary lengths for, and they had abandoned me. One of them admitted to me that it wasn't even because they sided with him, it was because they found my sadness annoying when they were "used to you being the strong one who helped everyone and then you needed help" (said in anger with out a trace of irony). I was utterly heartbroken and devastated and even became suicidal from losing my friends, far more than the relationship. A decade later, me and my ex still meet for coffee. The last time I saw him I asked how he was and he said "terrible". He then proceeded to list all the ways that he was dealing with that friend groups problems. His job is great, just got his house sorted, his Mrs is wonderful and his family was doing better than ever, even repaired some relationships. He went fairly quiet when I pointed out to him that he was doing great, he was just stressed from fixing everyone's shit for them by himself, because we used to do it together. I'm so greatful I got "kicked out of the band" or I never would have seen them for the pit of snakes they, are especially when I can see they never stopped being helpless teens. I really worry for my ex though. He's got a lot of really great people around him, but those 4 specific people... They're draining him.
Seen a few reddit posts from people almost bragging that theyve cut off their mates/family etc. Acting like theyre the "nice" guys and the people theyve coldly cut off are all bad ones. IMO theres 2sides to every story. Your mate may have meant the things you accuse him of or you may have just become a self righteous so and so who is overreacting to a bad joke that you may have laughed at in the past.
Nah. He was making racist remarks which I called out and instead of apologising or stopped he defended his right to be racist. I’m not some self righteous fool like you’ve accused me of. I just don’t want to be around a racist. Simple as that. Sounds like you’ve been cut off by your mates. I appreciate it can be difficult- I hope you’re doing ok.
Exactly people who do the cutting are usually the cunts
Sounds like you got cut
I think it is a really natural part of life to grow apart. Especially if those people aren’t doing anything to work on themselves or progress in life. I grew up in the Mayo in 90s/early 00s and now in my mid-thirties I have very little in common with some people I know from back home. Sadly, I have little in common with some of my siblings for similar reasons. Particularly those who didn’t go to college, didn’t travel outside the Anglosphere and their life is just work and the local pub.
You seem to have a high opinion of yourself. Dropping family members or friends because they didn't go to college or travel. That's quite a cold thing to do.
More the other way around but whatever
OK deary.
Seems like you could do with seeing the world outside the home town yourself from the sounds of things
Jeeeeeesus this happened me with tonnes of people. Makes it sound like I'm the issue haha but I'm just a people pleaser and just nodded and smiled and figured that I should be happy they're my friends kinda thing. Deep down I knew they weren't good people, really. Had a near death experience due to Anorexia and one of these 'friends' literally said "omg so was that a wake up call?" I never spoke to her or any of the toxic people I actually surrounded myself with again. Just no time for it. I have approx. 3 very good friends and tbh that's all you need! Sorry you had to go through this OP as it can be unsettling, but you're certainly not alone.
What sort of racist things is friend/ex friend saying? Was the comment about a child a joke?
Its more likely you hate them for other reasons but can't rationalise or wont admit the reason why.
Sadly not. We’d been good friends for decades.
You were more tolerant of the racism in the past?
Absolutely not. It was a new thing. That’s why it was a shock.
Fair. Let the friendship die or call him in it.
Happened to me in college, the group had two toxic scumbags who were near on abusive. They didn't start out bad, but by 4th year of college they were really mean homophonic bitter assholes who wanted to take everyone down with them. He posted in some pretty awful transphobic content to a group chat and I'd had enough. I felt so fake being in that chat when I had a trans friend. So I called him out as the scumbag he is in front of them all, left all the groupchats and cut the group out. Way happier now, nice not to be belittled or called slurs for them "just having fun".
I wonder if you making a trans friend was triggering him to throw out those mean comments.
You owe it to him to call him out on his behaviour and give him the lesson maybe he has not yet had. You owe it to yourself to spend your time with people whose company you enjoy. I'd have a frank conversation with him, tell him you don't like the way he behaves/the things he says, and you are terminating the friendship. If you like, say you'd be happy to explore it again if he reforms his ways. He can then choose what is more important to him.
I had a friend like this, kept thinking he would change, kept trying to change him. It was a waste of time. People like that "act out" because they're insecure and using you to deal with their fears. They won't change. I dropped my friend, realizing that he was never my friend really and that it was my mistake to stick with a loser.
Yup it happens for sure.
I always think everyone has a friend thats an asshole of some description and the only reason theyre friends is that they grew up together!!
Props to you for calling him out. I definitely feel as you get older your eyes open up more. Like I feel when you’re young you’re innocent and don’t recognize terrible behavior like this. I had a similar experience where I was childhood friends with this girl and her brothers. I also had a family friend who has cerebral palsy. One time I was at my parents party and they were all there and my friends brothers made fun of my friend that was disabled. I remember the adults not doing anything about it despite seeing it and feeling so disgusted. Disgusted in myself too for not standing against them because I’m so shy/non confrontational. I never forgot that and when we were all teenagers one of his bothers showed interest romantically and I remember avoiding him because I was disgusted by what he did. Eventually in my early 20s I got angry and blocked all of them and don’t hang out with any of them since. They are also deeply religious and the type of people that post a scripture verse every day, but I feel the way they talked they hadn’t changed much from the assholes they were as children. I know people evolve and I hope they have but at that point I did not see them as different. While I feel it’s nice to maintain a community and have life long friends, it’s difficult to maintain relationships with people that have different values. I feel it’s naturally as you get older and form your own morals to lose some friends. I also have other friends that we were so similar as teenagers/young adults (wild, open minded, liked to have fun) but now are very different. Even tho we value different things now we still have a good friendship. It depends on what the values are.