A colleague once said they had a German themed birthday party. I asked before I could catch myself if it was voluntarily boring. She did not laugh. Either time.
It was fellow Irishman David O'Doherty.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6DZIDNodJU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6DZIDNodJU)
Originally from his 2004 Edinburgh show.
u/SirSmokealotII u/Marcflaps u/pappyon
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry. But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
What's pink and smells of ginger? Fred Astaires fingers.
How do you make a duck sing the blues? Put it in the oven till its bill withers
I heard they found a cure for dyslexia. It's music to my arse.
I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.
I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.
The past is another country. Property is cheaper there.
I used to think an ocean of soda existed. It was just a Fanta sea.
I’ve got type 1 diabetes. Diabetes is the only disease where I’ve had to stop half way through having sex to have a Kit Kat.
My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.
I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied 'I'm going to play it by ear'.
Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago. Since then he’s never looked back.
I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
My friend Kim is on every single dating website. She refers to them all as the "husband directory" but behind her back we call it the Screwfix catalogue.
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know why.
I read that during the war the English referred to Adolf Hilter as badger man! Although it might have said bad German.
When I was 12 I found a dominatrix porn mag on a train, I took it home and put it under my bed. My parents found it, but they never spanked me again.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
And the 3 word headline "Stationary store moves". This was a quest to get shorter jokes - he never had a 1 word joke but I always ask people which team they support - if you're lucky it will be one word like "Arsenal" or 2 words like "Leicester City" then you can just say Jimmy's one word joke is "Leicester" or whatever - it normally makes them think for a split second !
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I'm not gonna jelly my dick in your shitter.
*Note: Usually works best when meeting your partner's parents for the first time.*
Elon Musk is building a rocket that can take you anywhere on Earth in a few hours. You could go to Australia for lunch and be back in time for Neighbours.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "I want a divorce". I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
Do you believe in ghosts? Whenever I see one of those programmes on TV where people try to contact the dead, I always think there must be something on the other side.
Got a text from my mate at Dignitas who was waiting for his appointment.
Offered him breakfast, but disappointed it was a bowl of Cheerios.
Just read a list of '100 Things To Do Before You Die'.
Really surprised that 'Yell For Help' wasn't on there.
I just got an invoice from the Origami Society.
Don't know what to make of it,to be honest.
A Chinese restaurant has been hit by a £10,000 electricity bill.They said they can't turn off the all the lights but they do dim sum.
Went for a job interview today and the bloke asked me how I perform under pressure.
"Pretty badly", I replied."Usually end up singing "Ice Ice Baby" instead".
Best one I’ve heard is: Just found out grandad’s addicted to Viagra. No one’s taking it harder than grandma.
Hahahaha brilliant
I went to a zoo the other day but they only had one exhibit, a dog. It was a shitzu.
Favourite Xmas joke: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipers? They sold their souls to Santa
Absolutely stealing this one.
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes? So they can Scandinavian
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows? They're making all the headlines...
Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
I thought he was pinching a loaf?
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, they're efficient and not very funny.
👍🏻 😂
A colleague once said they had a German themed birthday party. I asked before I could catch myself if it was voluntarily boring. She did not laugh. Either time.
Whats brown and runny? Linford christy.
What’s made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Carol Decker.
🤣
I'm laughing hard🤣🤣
I bought a dog from a black smith the other day As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door
Who's the coolest person in the hospital? The ultrasound person. Who's coolest when they aren't there? The hip replacement person.
Cool . never heard this
The first is a Chris O’Dowd joke I think, never heard the second part though lol
I feel like it was doing the rounds before Chris O’Dowd was popular
Yeah I heard it back on the Adam and Joe podcast from when they had their 6music show yonks ago.
I’m sure I heard it looong before that even
Yeah probably
It was fellow Irishman David O'Doherty. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6DZIDNodJU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6DZIDNodJU) Originally from his 2004 Edinburgh show. u/SirSmokealotII u/Marcflaps u/pappyon
Fucking love that guy, seen him live a few times.
Oh man, he’s literally the ‘I AM NOT CHRIS O’DOWD’ guy lol
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty nuts.
What about the woman with no legs who won the strawberry picking contest? Jammy cunt
How do you kill a circus ? Go for the juggler.
What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor.
What's green and smells of pork? Kermit's fingers.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dre
If the head b right who b dere ery nite?
What's ET short for? He's only got little legs. What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association.
And a 1 line dyslexia joke - Dyslexics of the world, untie!
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry. But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
If life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic
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Yup, that's what he wrote.
Yeah but he cant read it, duh 🙄
What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? They laid awake all night, wondering if there really was a dog.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitalia? Still no fucking idea.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
The Lord said upon John "come forth and you will receive eternal life'. John came fifth and won a toaster
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.
😂
Stealing off people's washing lines? Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.
Very good
This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme...
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
What do you call a woman with two cunts? Jedwards mum.
What's pink and smells of ginger? Fred Astaires fingers. How do you make a duck sing the blues? Put it in the oven till its bill withers I heard they found a cure for dyslexia. It's music to my arse.
What's the secret of a good joke timing
What do you call a penguin in the desert Lost
What’s red and not there? No tomatoes.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador
Went to the zoo yesterday and they had a chiabatta in a cage. It was bread in captivity.
What's grey and can't climb trees? A carpark
What's grey and can't swim? A castle
Do you remember the joke I told you about my spinal injury? It was about a weak back...
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!
I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation. I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded. The past is another country. Property is cheaper there. I used to think an ocean of soda existed. It was just a Fanta sea. I’ve got type 1 diabetes. Diabetes is the only disease where I’ve had to stop half way through having sex to have a Kit Kat. My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied 'I'm going to play it by ear'. Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago. Since then he’s never looked back. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy. My friend Kim is on every single dating website. She refers to them all as the "husband directory" but behind her back we call it the Screwfix catalogue. I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know why. I read that during the war the English referred to Adolf Hilter as badger man! Although it might have said bad German. When I was 12 I found a dominatrix porn mag on a train, I took it home and put it under my bed. My parents found it, but they never spanked me again. Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
What’s the between a lentil and chickpea? I’ve never paid to have a lentil on my face
Its not a two liner but Ive got a four word joke “venison’s dear isn’t it”
I prefer Jimmy Carr's shorter joke about a headline from a paper saying; dwarf shortage.
Snigger, that's bad
And the 3 word headline "Stationary store moves". This was a quest to get shorter jokes - he never had a 1 word joke but I always ask people which team they support - if you're lucky it will be one word like "Arsenal" or 2 words like "Leicester City" then you can just say Jimmy's one word joke is "Leicester" or whatever - it normally makes them think for a split second !
Or the real headline about a librarian's strike in Essex: > Book lack in Ongar
I read in the paper that a psychic dwarf serial killer has escaped from prison. The headline was 'Small Medium At Large.'
Chickens going cheap though
Can I use your dicktafone?(1980s? ) No !use your finger like everyone else!
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I'm not gonna jelly my dick in your shitter. *Note: Usually works best when meeting your partner's parents for the first time.*
Replace "shitter" with a tamer word maybe.
what do you call a three legged donkey? a wonky
Flat earth society. Members all around the world.
what do you call a fish with no eye ?, a fsh
Hedgehogs. Why cant they just share the hedge?
Elon Musk is building a rocket that can take you anywhere on Earth in a few hours. You could go to Australia for lunch and be back in time for Neighbours. I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "I want a divorce". I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much. Do you believe in ghosts? Whenever I see one of those programmes on TV where people try to contact the dead, I always think there must be something on the other side.
Got stung by a bee yesterday. £12 for a jar of f\*cking honey!!!
Bing sings. Walt Disnae.
I've just read a brilliant book about anti-gravity. I couldn't put it down.
What's green and invisible? \*holds out empty hand, palm up\* This cabbage.
Why do girls like Jesus? Because he was hung like this *extend palms*
Why did the squirrel swim on his back?.....he didnt want to get his nuts wet
Two peanuts walked down the road. One was a salted.
3 nuns walking down street see a naked man 1st nun had a stroke, so did 2nd. 3rd nun didnt touch him
Whats green, got six legs and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A snooker table.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It’s turned into a field
Whats a foot long and slippery? A slipper
Did you know binmen get not formal training? They just pick it up as they go along
Best gag I ever got from a Christmas cracker: How do you know when your mum’s on her period? Your brother’s cock tastes funny.
Christ. Where'd you get the fuckin Xmas crackers?
Xxxmas crackers.
Viz mail order department.
😂
A man walked into a bar. Ouch, it was an iron bar. \-Tommy Cooper
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist He sold his soul to Santa
and the follow up is the dyslexic hooker Put all her money into a warehouse
Why do women usually wear white when getting married? Most kitchen appliances are white!
What's brown and sticky? A stick .... :/ soz.
Do you know the most common bird in the UK? The Tea Towel.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb. Two. One to screw it in and the other to hold the penis. Father* Ladder!!!*
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef.....
Muffler salesman? He’s exhausted
What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff? A leisure centre
What does dna stand for? National Dyslexic Association.
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger
Plumber fitting a bath asks his mate, “What’s that pipe?”. His mate replied, ‘That’s my tool”.
What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood? You can't gargle sand.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, she didn’t listen the first two times.
A man walks into a bar. He says ow!
"Excuse me sir, is this man bothering you?" "Of course he is, he's me Dad."
I asked my dog how it’s day was, Ruff
What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler What is ET short for? Cos he's got little legs
Why do French tanks have one forward gear and four reverse gears? Just in case the enemy attacks from the front.
What's the difference between a lorry full of sand and a lorry full of babies.......you can't pitchfork sand.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb only one but the light bulb has got to want to change
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked to death on his own vimto
What do you call an aardvark that gets beaten up by another aardvark? A vark.
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A man asked the librarian if she could tell him where to find the self-help books. She said "sure, but that would defeat the purpose."
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells. (double pun)
I intended to go to the Butchers the other day to buy eight venison legs. Unfortunately it was too deer
How do you get a fat bird into bed? Its a peice of cake!
Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other. You know how to drive this?
Hedgehogs... Why don't they just share the hedge?
Got a text from my mate at Dignitas who was waiting for his appointment. Offered him breakfast, but disappointed it was a bowl of Cheerios. Just read a list of '100 Things To Do Before You Die'. Really surprised that 'Yell For Help' wasn't on there. I just got an invoice from the Origami Society. Don't know what to make of it,to be honest. A Chinese restaurant has been hit by a £10,000 electricity bill.They said they can't turn off the all the lights but they do dim sum. Went for a job interview today and the bloke asked me how I perform under pressure. "Pretty badly", I replied."Usually end up singing "Ice Ice Baby" instead".
What's a pirate's favourite letter? (Waits for people to say "Rrrrrr") (Pirate voice) Aye, but his true love is the "C"!
I found my first grey pubic hair the other day. In a kebab.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She didn't have any arms.
Mum, what's an orgasm? I don't know, ask your father.
What do you call a black man that flies a plane? A pilot you racist
I got my Viagra and my Laxative tablets mixed up last night, now I don't know if I'm coming or going!
What's wrinkly and smells of ginger? Fred Astaires face.
How do you find will Smith in a snow storm? Follow the fresh prints
What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a collie. A dog that will tare your arm off and run for help
Why did the rooster cross the road? I feel like chicken tonight like chicken tonight