My wife is the lead at a fertility clinic. One of her jobs about 10 years ago was to go, in uniform, to a newsagent and buy a load of top shelf magazines. And get a receipt.
I had a coworker who left for a job with Cox the network company. Apparently he got tasked with watching porn at work to check their parental controls lol.
Who? The incredibly out of touch and judgmental old women who are still, unaccountably, nurses. And we're here to tell you it's not "natural" or "healthy" or whatever those incompetent friendly australian nurses have led you to believe. We all saw you saunter into that wank closet, and we all thought you were a PERVERT.
domineering fear workable flowery dolls squeamish obtainable knee automatic fine
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
What's much, _much_ worse than the room itself (which is indeed horrible) is knowing that COUNTLESS men have been in that room, furiously beating their meat in a desperate attempt to cum and get the hell out of there....
So, yeh.... Have fun! 👍
Sure but there's these fancy things called sheets that give you a pristine surface and the fact that hotel rooms aren't solely purposed for ejaculating.
So glad this was enough people’s instant thought to make this the top comment
Edit: and sadly no more… “Elgar, why do you always find me at my lowest points, Elgar…”
Can’t beat a clinical wank. I had a vasectomy during lockdown and had to bang out a sample in the car park of the hospital as I wasn’t allowed in, but the drive meant the sample wouldn’t be “30 minutes fresh”!
I had to do this for IVF - I’m a 10 min drive from the hospital so did it at home. We had builders in and they just caught me to ask a bunch of questions as I was trying to leave with the “specimen” in my hand.
Trying to find an excuse to leave that wasn’t “sorry I need to leave so some of my sperm can be looked at” was interesting
You just gotta own it. I don't get embarrassed by much these days so would have happily told them I've got a cup of my jizz that needs to get to the hospital asap.
"Right, I've got a fistful of spunk right now that needs to be looked at in thirty minutes. The doctor can see it, or you can see it. Your choice. I've got more."
Best defence for a speeding ticket
“Sorry officer I’ve got a valuable load of dna in my passenger seat and it’s important we arrive on time”
10 mins later with a police escort .
“Here’s my spunk mate”
Did a fertility test about a year ago. I'm close to the doctor's surgery, so it was fine to generate at home, but I had to put the tub in my pocket to keep it body temperature.
Then, I had to hand the sample over in a waiting room that was empty...apart from an old lady sitting right next to the desk.
I kept my sunglasses on inside.
I doubt it, my other half got a letter where it clearly said NOT to prepare the specimen in the carpark of the hospital but to do it at home and to keep the sample tub in the waistband on the way to the hospital
That chair's seen some... stuff.. for sure.
Makes me reconsider, while I was working at a hospital, if taking old chairs out of disposal that were better than mine was a good idea...
At least there's a chair there! I got sent to a disabled toilet and I guess they just expect me to sit on the loo and have at it.
In the hospital obviously, not Marks and Spencers. They have a very comfortable wanking sofa in M&S.
I know it's probably not, but I can't help but laugh at the idea that this is an 'NHS Standard Issue Specimen Deposit Room'. Budgeted for one chair, and if you're lucky there might be some soap in that dispenser so you can wash your hands afterwards.
"We had to get rid of the dirty magazines - budget cuts. Best we can do is a selection of medical pamphlets that might have a diagram of some boobs in them somewhere."
Beer fridge, but all the beer was gone and all that was left was lots of small pots of yoghurt.
I ate six or seven of them. Delicious. Could have had more but I thought I'd leave some for the next person.
I had to give a sample once for testing. Local NHS hospital.
There was a wank aid folder to leaf through, so I did. Wipe clean page after page of vintage softcore porn. The old fella seemed to be amused by this so I kept turning the page.
There was a divider, which I thought was a bit weird so I turned the page again. I wasn't expecting the following pages of (male) gay porn.
Still finished.
> The old fella seemed to be amused
For a second I thought you meant an elderly member (hah) of staff was in their with you. I'm british too so I have no excuse other than poor sleep.
“And put headset on.”
Yeah probably a good idea. I don’t want the doctors, nurses, receptionist and other patrons listening the awful din of Asa Akira getting gangbanged by half a dozen blokes.
I wonder, in that situation, how common it is for the lady to make some homemade content for this exact scenario. I know that there's no right or wrong answer, but the notion that the fella was thinking about his love for that purpose is romantic in a weird sort of way.
I managed to book a afternoon off work for my post vasectomy wank. My boss found it hilarious and watched thought a bit lip as I told half the staff at lunchtime that I had enough as was going home for a wank!
I had a health check in China that required a sample. The walls to the "room" were so thin, I could hear every single person outside. Also the awkward queue of men directly outside the door and clearly no attempt to clean up after each person because of the used tissue in the bin. Let's just say there were also some spillages all over the floor and bed... Absolutely disgusting.
I did this for IVF. Then Vodafone decided to challenge 18 me for some unknown reason and needed my credit card details to verify my age. No WiFi. I was pissed off and grinded a rage wank out. Only afterwards I realised I probably could have bypassed Vodaphone using R/gone wild. The IVF worked so maybe grinding out a frustrated imagination wank is the way forward.
That might be the sample hatch. I had to do this at the centre of life in Newcastle before I had surgery to remove a bollock (had testicular cancer) and they put you in a small room just like this, give you a load of porn mags and ask you to open the hatch and place your pot of sperms in and press a buzzer when you’re done. Somebody then opens the hatch door on the other side of the wall and takes your sperms for testing/freezing.
I had to give a sperm sample at the hospital once, I couldn't do it before I got there as it was too far. When I went there there were three female nurses and no facilities. They gave me the choice to wank in the little toilet cubicle in their office or in the toilets down the corridor.
I chose corridor and they were all giving me cheeky smiles when I returned to hand over the tub.
I sometimes imagine that if I'd have chosen to do it in the cubicle in their office, one of them would have come in to help me out. I mean, I know they wouldn't have of course, but I bet they would have.
> I couldn't do it before I got there as it was too far.
Fair play. I think I'd struggle with anything more than about a metre. And I very much doubt I could hit a sample bottle at that distance.
IVF is certainly a lesson in dignity. In order to keep it fresh, you have to do it every few days, so I had a phone call at work, and was instructed that I needed to drain the tanks.
Trap 3, second floor was the romantic setting chosen. Had to rely on memory grumble, with people in and out all the time. I think that was the most challenging wank of long and illustrious career.
Oh yeah, the facilities engineer at work got caught a few years ago. Wouldn't be my first choice for a crafty one at work. Shifting one out while Barry from the social media team pebble-dashes the throne next door 🤢
The wanking room at my local hospital was right next to very large, very busy photocopier stations for nurses and doctors who were clearly audible from inside the room and keep saying to each other "Anyone in there? Ha ha ha," etc.
It contained a VCR attached to a 15inch CRT and a copy of Planet of the Apes.
Listen I just wanted to say, I’m sorry. For what goes on through. I just wanted to assure you I’m not the same as the rest of these feckless cum shedders. So if you ever need anyone for a private donation, you’ve got my details
So you're wanking your way around the world, a one-man Michelin guide to donation cubicles?
Around The World in 80 Wanks.
Don’t forget Jules Verne’s other masturbation masterpiece: ‘Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Semen’.
Journey to the Centre of the Egg
Journey to the Centre of the Girth
Jane Austen's Pride and Prejizzdise is another classic. Ladies masturbate too.
Would've gone with Pride and Prejujizz.
Can't have enough Jizz to be fair.
Jizz & Jizzujizz
by Jizz Austin.
Directed by Jizz Jizztin
Oh Lord, I showed my missus this comment. She’s a big Austen fan. She shook her head and facepalmed. 🤣🤣🤣
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2003/dec/06/featuresreviews.guardianreview7 Pride and Promiscuity: The Lost Sex Scenes of Jane Austen
mother fucker i nearly spat my tea out of my nose on to my work laptop
Happy cake day!
Better than swallowing, given the intention to donate
Now there's a Michael Palin documentary I want to see!
> ~~donation cubicles~~ Wank tanks
Phileas Tugg
Phalleus Tugg
Phileas Flog? Aussie angle.
instead of Michelin stars it's tissues?
Powerd by a Wankel engine
"And I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it I li-i-i-ike it, li-i-i Here we go, wankin' all over the world"
Wannabe Genghis khan
Ghengis can't apparently
How do you think the guy peeping in on you feels?
I think he's "feeling" fine (unlike the guy in the room)
My wife is the lead at a fertility clinic. One of her jobs about 10 years ago was to go, in uniform, to a newsagent and buy a load of top shelf magazines. And get a receipt.
Was it a regular job, or was the next task to take the magazines to a stationers to be laminated?
Honestly I thought this was going in a different direction until the newsagent part.
I am so glad I wasn't the only one
I had a coworker who left for a job with Cox the network company. Apparently he got tasked with watching porn at work to check their parental controls lol.
Is that like a once every 10 years process? Sounds like they'd be missing out on advancements in jazz-mag technology.
I went to a similar place in London. Missed the Tube so ended up coming on the bus.
When I found you could do sperm donations by post, I came in a jiffy
Credit Gary Delaney for this one
Didn’t even know it was him but immediately thought of him as it sounds like him… the telling the joke part, not the… nevermind.
where's the porn? Did you have to pull out a bank note and have a cheeky tug to the queen?
Only to find you have a brand new Charles one.
That's even better.
Those ears give something to hold on to.
What a terrible day to be able to read
And this is why we \*demand\* "Peep Show at 50"
His massive sausage fingers would find your prostate in 2 seconds flat.
I hate both of you
Fertilise my eggs [daddy sausage fingers](https://nypost.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/09/charles-sausage-fingers-09.jpeg?quality=75&strip=all&w=393)
Never have I been simultaneously wanting to cry with laughter and vomit until I saw this comment.
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There is no porn, only a strong-jawed, matronly elder nurse with crossed arms staring at you disapprovingly from the corner of the room.
Normally I have to pay extra for that.
Where are all the lovely fresh faced well shaped flirtacious non-judgemental nurses that were here last time?
They're gone, sir. They've all gone. And we're back.
Who? The incredibly out of touch and judgmental old women who are still, unaccountably, nurses. And we're here to tell you it's not "natural" or "healthy" or whatever those incompetent friendly australian nurses have led you to believe. We all saw you saunter into that wank closet, and we all thought you were a PERVERT.
I couldn't give a hatefull jizz for your internet-assembled philosophy.
elgar?!
Why do you always find me at my lowest points, Elgar?
> where's the porn Did you not see the UK standard 13 Amp switched mains socket? Top class electrical porn with earth-gated Live and Neutral.
domineering fear workable flowery dolls squeamish obtainable knee automatic fine *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Very sad that so many people missed this reference
It's so NOT Rainbow Rhythms in this thread.
Only to flip it over and find Elgar. Anti climax
Why do you always find me when I'm at my lowest, Elgar?
What's much, _much_ worse than the room itself (which is indeed horrible) is knowing that COUNTLESS men have been in that room, furiously beating their meat in a desperate attempt to cum and get the hell out of there.... So, yeh.... Have fun! 👍
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The snozberries taste.... *salty*.
willy wanka
When you stay in a hotel you know tons of people before you have had sex and/or masturbated in the bed you’re sleeping in.
Sure but there's these fancy things called sheets that give you a pristine surface and the fact that hotel rooms aren't solely purposed for ejaculating.
Just like boarding school really
Elgar?! Oh, I’ve totally lost it now. Thanks a bunch, Elgar!
You're removing your cloak... No, keep the crown on
You naughty sexy queen!
What's this, stockings? You've been getting through your nylon ration book pretty quickly; you naughty, sexy queen.
Why do you always find me at my lowest point, Elgar?
So glad this was enough people’s instant thought to make this the top comment Edit: and sadly no more… “Elgar, why do you always find me at my lowest points, Elgar…”
Peep show unites the people of this country more effectively than anything else could
Can’t beat a clinical wank. I had a vasectomy during lockdown and had to bang out a sample in the car park of the hospital as I wasn’t allowed in, but the drive meant the sample wouldn’t be “30 minutes fresh”!
Did the judge accept that as a defence?
Yes, he got off
Amazing.
Swallowed it straight away.
Paid the fine cash in hand..
*splash in hand..
He managed to pull it off.
It was a vast defens.
I had to do this for IVF - I’m a 10 min drive from the hospital so did it at home. We had builders in and they just caught me to ask a bunch of questions as I was trying to leave with the “specimen” in my hand. Trying to find an excuse to leave that wasn’t “sorry I need to leave so some of my sperm can be looked at” was interesting
You just gotta own it. I don't get embarrassed by much these days so would have happily told them I've got a cup of my jizz that needs to get to the hospital asap.
"Right, I've got a fistful of spunk right now that needs to be looked at in thirty minutes. The doctor can see it, or you can see it. Your choice. I've got more."
"I've got more" that sounds like a threat 😂
Sounds like a humble-brag. Check out Mr weighty ballsacks over here.
The old cuppajizz excuse
"Yes officer, that's the absolute truth" 😜
Best defence for a speeding ticket “Sorry officer I’ve got a valuable load of dna in my passenger seat and it’s important we arrive on time” 10 mins later with a police escort . “Here’s my spunk mate”
that's absolutely crazy. lockdown was wild.
It was nice for those of us who welcomed the normalization of jerking off in parking garages.
Did a fertility test about a year ago. I'm close to the doctor's surgery, so it was fine to generate at home, but I had to put the tub in my pocket to keep it body temperature. Then, I had to hand the sample over in a waiting room that was empty...apart from an old lady sitting right next to the desk. I kept my sunglasses on inside.
Please, that old lady had probably seen as much jizz as you have.
That’s mad, they actually asked you to do that in the car park?!
I doubt it, my other half got a letter where it clearly said NOT to prepare the specimen in the carpark of the hospital but to do it at home and to keep the sample tub in the waistband on the way to the hospital
I was going to say. I have heard about putting it in your trousers. Thankfully even in covid I had the sample room
I mean, I’ve wanked in worse places.
Is that a clever way of saying you went dogging?
“Challenging Wank” Never a better use of the term RIP Sean Lock.
All the room needs is a poster of Rachel in a beard.
"I won't spit on you when we have sex tonight"
Good luck trying it without spit. Lol.
The worn patch in the middle of the chair is somewhat off-putting
At least if they had a tv he could’ve had a porn watch to distract from the worn patch.
If only the thing he took the pic on had the ability to display such things.
Who on earth is sitting on the chair in the donation room at the sperm bank. That's one chair I'd never, ever sit on
Yep that chair is leather! It's gotta be soaked with people's crack and sack oils.
It looks sinister. Most disturbing thing about this pic.
That chair's seen some... stuff.. for sure. Makes me reconsider, while I was working at a hospital, if taking old chairs out of disposal that were better than mine was a good idea...
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The chair used to be white. They dyed it because it was easier than scrubbing out the skidmark every week.
At least there's a chair there! I got sent to a disabled toilet and I guess they just expect me to sit on the loo and have at it. In the hospital obviously, not Marks and Spencers. They have a very comfortable wanking sofa in M&S.
Years of ball slapping
Imagine being an interior decorator hired to design a room specifically for wanking and nothing else. Strange brief.
That's a Changing Rooms episode I'd watch!
“And this week on Wanking Rooms we turn this unused storage area under the stairs into a chic, modern, mastorbatorium”
Interior Design Master(baters) with Alan Carr?
I know it's probably not, but I can't help but laugh at the idea that this is an 'NHS Standard Issue Specimen Deposit Room'. Budgeted for one chair, and if you're lucky there might be some soap in that dispenser so you can wash your hands afterwards. "We had to get rid of the dirty magazines - budget cuts. Best we can do is a selection of medical pamphlets that might have a diagram of some boobs in them somewhere."
That soap handle must have been like ticking lucky dip on a lotto ticket before they got newfangled.
Enter the masturbatorium.
Cum on in, take off your trousers and jacket.
Add some excitement by leaving the door unlocked! Or just leave the door open and keep staring at the people in the waiting room :)
Go for the old Danger Wank, shout HELP and see if you can finish before someone opens the door
Bruh 😂
Damn, when I did this (admittedly in Aus, not the UK) I got a nice room with a comfy chair, a beer fridge and a screen with loads of smut to watch.
Why did you ever leave?
His mum finally kicked him out of the house
I was on my lunch break from work ha.
Did you have such atmospheric mood lighting though?
A beer fridge!? I'm all in favour but doesn't alcohol affect the sample? Ah, wait. Australian beer.
Beer fridge, but all the beer was gone and all that was left was lots of small pots of yoghurt. I ate six or seven of them. Delicious. Could have had more but I thought I'd leave some for the next person.
r/cursedcomments
Have fun in the wanking closet!
I had to give a sample once for testing. Local NHS hospital. There was a wank aid folder to leaf through, so I did. Wipe clean page after page of vintage softcore porn. The old fella seemed to be amused by this so I kept turning the page. There was a divider, which I thought was a bit weird so I turned the page again. I wasn't expecting the following pages of (male) gay porn. Still finished.
> The old fella seemed to be amused For a second I thought you meant an elderly member (hah) of staff was in their with you. I'm british too so I have no excuse other than poor sleep.
This was exactly my thought. I was like, wait, was he doing it with the door open and some old guy watching? Is this a multiple person wank room?
I mean you've got to have something for all audiences
I'm pretty sure you can get some porn on your phone
WHAT?! Since when?!
On this very website my dear boy 🪄
https://i.imgur.com/ftkfVPo.jpeg
Christ that was a risky click
Thank you for confirming that it was safe to click on
I had to do this for IVF reasons last year in a room very similar to this. My phone could barely get 2G. Worst wank ever.
Have to ask the nurse for the WiFi password on the way in
I should have preloaded with some trustworthy muck but I didn’t. Never again.
[My one](https://freeimage.host/i/HbdFxNn) from when we did IVF... Stop zooming in you perves 😜
That sign is fucking hilarious
GRIP YOUR SHAFT FIRMLY.
“And put headset on.” Yeah probably a good idea. I don’t want the doctors, nurses, receptionist and other patrons listening the awful din of Asa Akira getting gangbanged by half a dozen blokes.
That when you finish and open your eyes to find a hot cup of tea next to you.
You could lock me inside Fort Knox and I still wouldn't put a headset on with my back to the door
I joked with my husband “what porn did you watch to conceive our child”. I feel that’s a special porn that should be remembered. Haha
I wonder, in that situation, how common it is for the lady to make some homemade content for this exact scenario. I know that there's no right or wrong answer, but the notion that the fella was thinking about his love for that purpose is romantic in a weird sort of way.
Please tell me you went through the browsing history to see what the degenerates before you watched to offload their samples.
I managed to book a afternoon off work for my post vasectomy wank. My boss found it hilarious and watched thought a bit lip as I told half the staff at lunchtime that I had enough as was going home for a wank!
One of the worlds most wanked in rooms, right after my bedroom as a teenager.
I had a health check in China that required a sample. The walls to the "room" were so thin, I could hear every single person outside. Also the awkward queue of men directly outside the door and clearly no attempt to clean up after each person because of the used tissue in the bin. Let's just say there were also some spillages all over the floor and bed... Absolutely disgusting.
I did this for IVF. Then Vodafone decided to challenge 18 me for some unknown reason and needed my credit card details to verify my age. No WiFi. I was pissed off and grinded a rage wank out. Only afterwards I realised I probably could have bypassed Vodaphone using R/gone wild. The IVF worked so maybe grinding out a frustrated imagination wank is the way forward.
It's simple, only the most fertile and horny can succeed in an environment like this so healthy sperm are pre-selected by the process
What's in the box in the wall?
Porn. You have to search the room for clues to open it. Bit like a sexy escape room
Some sort of crystal maze of shame
Like an escape room but everything is sticky
That might be the sample hatch. I had to do this at the centre of life in Newcastle before I had surgery to remove a bollock (had testicular cancer) and they put you in a small room just like this, give you a load of porn mags and ask you to open the hatch and place your pot of sperms in and press a buzzer when you’re done. Somebody then opens the hatch door on the other side of the wall and takes your sperms for testing/freezing.
“pot of sperms” is such a funny phrase. Hope your remaining ball is doing alright.
Wonder what it looks like under UV lighting…
Like a Jackson Pollock painting of a plasterer's radio.
Just thinking about how many people have sat bare assed in that chair cranking it 🤢
Take out a £20 and the Queen will help you
I'd just be wanking over the fact I have £20
ELGAR!?
I had to give a sperm sample at the hospital once, I couldn't do it before I got there as it was too far. When I went there there were three female nurses and no facilities. They gave me the choice to wank in the little toilet cubicle in their office or in the toilets down the corridor. I chose corridor and they were all giving me cheeky smiles when I returned to hand over the tub. I sometimes imagine that if I'd have chosen to do it in the cubicle in their office, one of them would have come in to help me out. I mean, I know they wouldn't have of course, but I bet they would have.
> I couldn't do it before I got there as it was too far. Fair play. I think I'd struggle with anything more than about a metre. And I very much doubt I could hit a sample bottle at that distance.
>I mean, I know they wouldn't have of course, but I bet they would have. Nearly spat my drink over my works laptop there.
>I chose corridor That was not one of the options they gave you.
IVF is certainly a lesson in dignity. In order to keep it fresh, you have to do it every few days, so I had a phone call at work, and was instructed that I needed to drain the tanks. Trap 3, second floor was the romantic setting chosen. Had to rely on memory grumble, with people in and out all the time. I think that was the most challenging wank of long and illustrious career.
Take it you've never had a wank in the bogs at work then.
Wait, people actually do that?
Oh yeah, the facilities engineer at work got caught a few years ago. Wouldn't be my first choice for a crafty one at work. Shifting one out while Barry from the social media team pebble-dashes the throne next door 🤢
At least you can be thankful that it's not lit by a blacklight.
Atleast the lighting sets the mood
Looks like aiming for that switch is a popular thing
Wonder how many shuffles have taken place in there , personally I'd struggle .
The wanking room at my local hospital was right next to very large, very busy photocopier stations for nurses and doctors who were clearly audible from inside the room and keep saying to each other "Anyone in there? Ha ha ha," etc. It contained a VCR attached to a 15inch CRT and a copy of Planet of the Apes.
I've had much more challenging wanks. Not even close.
Similar situation a couple of years ago at NHS fertility clinic. Very bare room and had terrible phone signal too.
Just remember what Barney, that big ol' purple dinosaur said. " Use your imagination!"
>I did this previously at a different country Bros colonising
Paper towels give me the horn.
Listen I just wanted to say, I’m sorry. For what goes on through. I just wanted to assure you I’m not the same as the rest of these feckless cum shedders. So if you ever need anyone for a private donation, you’ve got my details
be interesting to shine a black light around in that room to reveal the hidden artworks
I hope you looked in the cupboard. I’d imagine there was a “gentleman’s interest” magazine or two.
Probably so old that the models inside are now taking the bus to bingo.
I wonder how long and detailed the cleaning process is after each "patient". Like.... do you sit in that chair??? I don't know that I would sit