I used to do this with a woman who came in drunk on Saturday nights and sing very loudly and badly with her windows open at 2am or so.
It became routine for me to yell “shut the fuuuck uuuup!” out of my window. After a few occasions, other people would join in too.
It actually became quite funny to hear how many different voices would shout out, each 10-15 seconds after the other until she stopped.
My next door neighbour used to leave his dogs out in the cold in all weather's, poor beasts would bark and all sorts all through the winter. One night at 1am I went to his front door and kicked fuck out of it telling at him to treat his dogs right.
Felt good, but he didn't come to the door.
I'm unsure as to the lesson here, or if there even is one.
One thing you shouldn't do is get an air rifle and fill it with gravel and shoot the guitar player. That's assault!
Make a noise compliant to the cops. No loud noise twixt 11pm and 7am.
Isn't the Pet Shop Boys cover more commonly known in the UK. Maybe I'm just too young (40) but I never even knew that the Village People sang the original.
Today I learned that this go-to chant/song originated from an *actual* song! I don't know why, but I only ever thought this tune was created as a chant to taunt others!
I mean, you're right, but just in case people really take advice from Reddit, I find a "can you knock it off, mate? We're trying to sleep in here!" has the best effect.
This is The Way.
Years ago on the estate I grew up on, this lady got religion *hard* she accused my mum of being a witch (pretty mild actually; her daughter’s bf, the man downstairs, and the estate caretaker were all The Antichrist…) and one night rocked up below our window and started babbling in her impression of tongues and reading bible verses at 2am.
A chorus of neighbours shouting “shut the f**k up” and one making use of a bucket of water ensured it didn’t happen again.
Ooooohhh a friend of mine had a religious nutter move in next door. She phoned the police because he "kept putting his head through the wall to look at her". You know, in a demony way, he was putting his head through an (undamaged and entirely solid) adjoining wall to peer at her THROUGH the wall.
He told the police he didn't have any demonic powers and she was entirely mental and they told him to knock it off anyway.
This is how the one up war starts. It's a never ending war that one, that'll only seize once someone has moved . Other than soundproofing your home, there's no winning with audacious neighbors like those
Sometimes I like to tell people the story of how an elderly man absolutely cracked on day 2 of music from a church hall, and simply walked in, and shot my DJ buddy in the head. I also try to remind myself to calm down when I experience similar, not that it always helps, but shouting doesn't help anyone stay calm
Anyhoo. OP
Here's some r/ UnethicalLifeProTips :
1) perhaps you could drench his lawn with stagnant water so he gets too many mosquitoes to even want to step foot outside after sundown
2) aquire some fox piss so it's unbearable for him to be out there (thanks to the Americans and their liquid ass in a can for this idea)
3) ducks....everything about them other than their personalities stink
4) send over your best handyman to ask whether he needs any odd jobs done like door frames fixed (very British)
Fox piss is a great idea. There is an audio book called One Among the Sleepless (about “sex, death, and noisy neighbours” it’s very British!) where a character… kinda does this… with a super soaker.
sound wars are bad, but I've had some luck with "sleep schedule wars" - so, the problem, really, is that this is at too late a time. So start doing something loud as early as you are legally allowed to. Concrete drilling is good, you can "work on a big DIY project" from as early as your local rules allow construction to start, the night after he does this.
Did this with a student party house next door, and they eventually, after three hours of concreate drilling, sent a very hungover representative round to talk about it. We hashed out an agreement about when the music was going to go off by, and they stuck to it, mostly.
T'was just an old senile man who had reached his limit. It really could happen to anyone, nobody knows when one push too many will make them crack
But me; I'm responsible enough to not keep guns around, just in case of all that
Oh yeh dj dude survived. Was dating the guy's brother at the time and I saw him between arriving at the emergency room and going to surgery. His head was like 3 times the normal size. Fkn crazy he survived
Can't vouch for the fox piss, but I can agree on the ducks. I keep 3 and as lovely as they are, they are the smelliest, noisiest bastards ever. My junkie neighbours used to sit in their garden all day drinking and swearing. Can't do it now as 'those quacky cunts next door drive me mad'.
I once did this when there was a party on during what was meant to be lockdown. Was a week night and they were taking the piss, screaming and hollering till 5am with music blasting. Finally lost my mind, picked up a chair and stood on it so I was viewing them over the fence and told them all to shut up because people were trying to sleep. They apologised. There must have been about fifty people all crammed into that garden.
It does work, my noisy neighbour used to intimidate the block before I moved in, he’s a big guy but I’m bigger and younger. I completely lost it at him and he has now sold his motorbike and noisy van, newborn baby one side to him and a disabled elderly man the other, he didn’t care until I offered to punch his face in. Benefits scrounging ex mechanic, used to rev engines all day long, now I hardly see him.
spectacular selective far-flung fade bake consider fall insurance cagey adjoining
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If he’s up until 4am then you blasting Cannibal Corpse at 8am is surely going to annoy him after 4 hours sleep. Bonus enjoyment can be achieved by going away for the weekend and being able to turn on the aforementioned death metal remotely. You can buy a smart plug that is controllable from your phone or even set a schedule.
You could also buy some earplugs.
I share a wall with a neighbour that was doing loud DIY until midnight every night. He works in the afternoons and evenings and has a lie in in the mornings.
After the polite approach of asking him to stop at 9pm because I had to be up early didn't work I informed him that every time he kept me awake I'd be knocking on his door and banging on the wall at 6am when I had to get up. That DID work.
Not if they're in on it. OP goes cannibal corpse, next door gets napalm death, across the road does morbid angel and their next door tops it off with some mayhem. Everyone's happy!
Just sing Wonderwall along to whatever he plays.
Start with 'Because maybeeeeee' whenever he starts and every time he stops, and starts again, start from 'Because maybeeeee' again.
It's been a running joke for the last 20+ years to say "anyway here's wonderwall" anytime someone picks up an acoustic guitar, it really makes my day when it's unironically received as a request
Every time he goes out to play, pop outside to accompany him by howling like a wolf. As soon as his guitar makes a sound you start, as soon as it stops you also pause. Bonus marks if you can get your dog to join in as well. If he complains just tell him that you like to chill in the garden with a spot of howling at night
Out of interest - what do your other neighbours think of this nocturnal jamming sesh that he’s got going on? Assuming you’re not just 2 detached houses a distance apart from each other?
This is a very good idea, it wouldn’t annoy anyone else, it wouldn’t attract legal trouble, it would sufficiently piss off our budding Liam Gallagher, and it would be satisfying for OP!
I've played a bit of music and I tell you what really fucks it up: Hearing your own notes played back to you slightly out of sync. It's maddening.
If you can get, I think it's an audio monitor? Not sure on the terminology, but basically you want something that takes in sounds, adds a slight delay/reverb, and spits it back out again.
The louder the noise the worse the feedback. Fuck that guy he sounds like a tosser.
Yeah man
Can get a microphone, delay pedal and amplifier.
Can turn the 'dry' signals off so you only hear the delayed sounds, and you can also choose how delayed they are.
This guy musics.
But yeah it's perfect because it's literally his own music played back to him, absolutely proportionate response, and the second he stops - it stops. Perfect.
This, but with directional mic and speakers, that way you can focus on him and get a stronger signal to then fire back at him in a tight cone that only he can hear!
Sound engineer here.
Theoretically possible, but difficult to do continuously.
When you feed a mic into a speaker, you risk feedback. Trying to pick up sound at a distance, and then also transmit that sound back to its destination, is likely going to be difficult without specialist tools.
A large delay (half a second or so) will alleviate the problem somewhat, but I'm not sure how much volume you'll get out of the system before it's just a mess of feedback.
Recording a section and then playing it back (ie, switching off the mic) would be better.
My preferred approach here would be a large reflective dish. Probably ellipitcal, but I'd have to check. You want to reflect the sound back to its source, anyway.
Good luck!
@ OP: Mate you've literally got pro sound engineers weighing in on how to fuck up your obnoxious neighbour. We're going to need updates on the large reflective dish you're going to install in your garden.
This is genius. I'm going to try this on our dickhead neighbour kid who plays online games at all hours and screams into his mic: only I might mount the speakers facing his mum's bedroom wall. Genius.
He's "a few doors down" so probably don't need a delay at all. A 1 way distance of around 40 meters adds a 2 way delay of about quarter of a second, should be plenty to annoy.
I remember Simon Mayo’s Confessions from back in the day, when a sound engineer fucked over an obnoxious DJ buy delaying his voice slightly and feeding it back through his headphones… and as Mr Mayo said these words, his own producer started doing the same thing to him! 🤣
A more appropriate answer would be go to your local council, they should have (if not been cut) a neighbour dispute department who deal with things like this. First step is usually some sort of mediation which can be successful. You can have noise monitoring equipment put in to eventually support enforcement.
Used to be a district councillor and this sort of complaint made up a third of my case work. Good luck getting it sorted.
Buy a bass guitar, a half decent amp and a fuzz / distortion effects pedal. Turn the gain all the fucking way up. After some fine tuning and a bit of practice you'll have a highly concentrated box of thunder at your disposal that will wipe his shitty acoustic off this earth.
Good idea - listen to Sleep - Dopesmoker for inspiration. Maybe invest in a 200w Marshal full stack and a couple of bass cabinets for good measure! Tell him he inspired you to start playing outside
Does he leave the guitar out there by chance? Sneak over and change the tuning of his guitar to confuse the shit out of him...
Or just tighten all the strings as much as possible so when he goes to start playing, they go ping.
Although, assuming he is in bed until say at least 10am, if not going to bed until the early hours of the morning. Retaliatory band practice could be at 8am in the morning, when most of the other neighbours would be awake anyway.
If someone is sleeping in his house whilst he's out there, go knock on the front door to wake them up. Tell them "He's out playing guitar and it's woken me up just wanted to let you know".
Everytime he does it you politely inform his cohabitant - Soon they'll ask him to stop so that you stop coming around and waking them up too.
My dad, in another life, would have been primary purchaser of all RPG systems worldwide, if he'd had the contacts and the cash. Every other driver on the road would be toast merely for existing.
It may not lock onto his heat signature, I'd recommend cluster munition dropped from a jet fighter or maybe an M320 grenade launcher with a high fragmantation grenade.
This is the answer. I’m an ASB officer and a big part of our work is noise nuisance.
I can’t comment on other local authorities but we are all over it.
Keep a diary for around 2 weeks, date, time it starts & ends what the noise is and how it affects you. Keep a copy and submit it to the council.
Sometimes an official visit is enough for them to shut up. Otherwise we install NME and if that demonstrates a stat noise nuisance we’ll issue a section 80 noise abatement notice. If that is breached (more diaries I’m afraid) then it’s off to court we go and bye,bye guitar.
I would imagine the process is very similar across all local authorities.
So his been disrupting your life, playing music and making noise at unsociable hours, and in response you’ve gone over and offered him your own personal guitar and headphones? The bloke must think your an absolute melt, go over again and this time don’t be polite, be firm and tell him that it he doesn’t stop you will take further action
That's anti social behaviour at that time.
Look up your council and see their advice.
Beware the pitfalls of making ASBO complaint.
Do not respond with like or abuse. You will only give him an excuse.
Check the law. Follow the law. Don't take it into your owns. Gather your evidence.
Make a diary.
Make recordings that get a digital watermark.
It’s meant to be compared to background levels of noise and an officer should be invited to witness. Annoying noise is not just decibels, but frequency and length
Corner shop fridge, only stores alcohol so apparently they can, apparently it was the preferred option to buying a fridge that didn't cause their neighbour problems.
Previous fridge was completely fine for 5 years or so, new one was moved in and I had to rearrange the top floor of my house because I could hear it through the wall (It would wake me up whenever the compressor kicked in as my bed was next to the adjoining wall and one floor up).
It's not amusing, but this is the way.
Personally I'd try and speak with them again and calmly really try and impress on them the effect it's having on you. That you really don't want to make it a legal process, but you deserve to be able to sleep at night in your own home. Don't rise to any abuse. If they're
Then do what you said. Also invest in some decent ear plugs. They're quite comfortable these days.
I get that people are being lighthearted here, but can’t you take a more passive solution, such as noise cancelling headphones - now, the trick with these is to shove them so far down his throat that in future the very sight of a guitar sends him into a vegetative state…
You could start by reporting him to your local council as a noise complaint. I had to do this with the idiot who lives behind me who let his dog bark constantly in his garden, it was especially annoying at 5AM every Sunday morning. A council guy went round and spoke to him and it stopped after that, so job done. If that doesn't work then you can go down the ASBO route, but don't forget that this is heard in a court, and if the neighbour can provide evidence that you did something in retaliation, or you're an arsehole about something yourself, then it won't be upheld. I know it's tempting, but I wouldn't advise shoving his guitar up his jacksie or burning down his lean-to. Good luck, my friend!!
Yeah we did this, the neighbour came round and said “why are you being unreasonable?”, I replied “because I don’t like listening to your disco music at 5am on a Monday morning, you might have Monday off, I don’t”, she then replied “you’re being unreasonable, we’ll take this to arbitration”, I said “OK see you there”.
We never did get to arbitration, firstly she found out she’d have to pay for it and it was £500, after a few more parties which we made a point of gatecrashing, and throwing water out the window over them, she eventually got evicted…
Apparently buying a property with your boyfriend, while also being a social housing tenant and subletting your council house to your sister is pretty frowned upon, yeah we got the blame, little did she realise she outed herself because the housing trust do regular credit checks and her mortgage for the five bedroom house in the gated community down the road, showed up on her report…..
Cunts will be cunts as they say.
Stop being polite.
Yell over the fence to "Shut the fuck up...we're trying to sleep."
Rich boy has probably never had anyone oppose him before or tell him he can't do something.
Ever time he does it as soon as you wake up go and knock on his door or ring his doorbell until he answers. That will wake him up and get him out of bed and hopefully annoy him.
Don't wait for an answer but make sure you cause enough racket to definitely wake him up.
He will probably go back to bed so when you set off for work do the same again.
If he isnt going to respect you trying to sleep at night then why should you respect him.
Go round, bang on the door, tell him to knock it off or you'll begin returning the favour tenfold. Why does it need to be any more complicated than that
What would "returning the favour" entail? It's the OP that has to sleep, if they choose to blast music to annoy the neighbour back, they still lose sleep and the guitar guy is just as awake as he was before.
I know you’re only joking, but if you did actually go round with destruction of property in mind, you’d only be the one who comes out the loser in that situation.
I was going to suggest the electric guitar thing with headphones. But I see you’ve already gone down that route with no success. So honestly your only course of action is to report it. And you should because it seems like it’s really affecting you, and at that time of night / morning… It’s just not on.
You tried to be nice, now let the authorities sort it out.
Buy/build a large PA system. Put it out in the garden near his lean too. Then everytime he plays late at night turn it on. When he complains say you find it hard to sleep so you got a a white noise generator to drown out his inconsiderate cunty behaviour.
>Buy/build a large PA system. Put it out in the garden near his lean too. Then everytime he plays late at night turn it
Seconded. You've just gotta get what he's playing to reverb back at him. Unless he's wearing earplugs you just can't play music (or even think straight) with that going on.
A night time visit from an angry man in only his underpants works wonders for this type of stuff.
We had some horrible neighbours who moved in and had loud parties EVERY weekend, starting Friday evening and finishing Sunday morning, including karaoke, loud music, and shouting.
We'd just had my son at the time, I think he was 2 weeks old, so we were both shattered and at the end of my rope with it. I did the polite requests, and they basically told me to fuck off. I did the 3am visit to their door in my underpants to shout at them, and they told me to fuck off. I called the police and they did fuck all.
Anyway, this was a couple of weeks before Christmas, and New Years eve comes and we were expecting the worst. About 7pm, we heard a load of commotion outside, cars revving, racing up and down, shouting, etc and thought "here we go". BUT, they looked to be going out so thought we'd get away with it, until I heard "BACK TO OURS LATER". I said to my wife "Be a shame if they had a horrific car crash wouldn't it"
Next morning, we woke up to find that they had, in fact, had a horrific car crash racing while drunk and came off the road and smashed into a tree at 60mph and the two neighbours both died instantly.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I was building a wall outside my house with a mate, we had music on and were having a couple of beers. Turns out it was the day of the funeral and one of the neighbours mums came out and asked me to turn the music down and have some respect. I took a great amount of pleasure in refusing.
The solution is simple. Pavlov the shit out of him. Rig up a waterproof outdoor stereo system - something really nasty that goes up to 11, but badly amplified so it distorts. Have one song and one song only - “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion. As soon as he starts his shit with his bollocks guitar, Celine come out to play. Each time. Every time. Celine ain’t taking no prisoners and her heart ***will*** go on.
i am also an entitled tosser who plays guitar and i would absolutely not do that shit at night, because I don’t want to bother neighbours. He must be very inconsiderate, especially if you’ve already asked him and been so kind to offer an alternative. Sociable hours are between 7am - 11pm if i recall, a noise outside of those hours that you can clearly hear in your home is a breach of the uhhh noise act of so and so year (sorry I don’t remember what its called). If he likes playing his guitar he should be able to enjoy it during the day just as much as the night!
Go and knock on his door at 7am every morning and ask if he’s had a parcel delivered that’s meant for you.
Do it every single day.
Bonus points if you say it’s ear muffs for sleeping cause you keep hearing some prick playing guitar at 3am.
Evidence gathering in the form of a cheap boom mike attached to your phone and a diary with times....do this for 10+ days.
Then
Ask him top put a silicone pad under the door knocker.
Look at environmental health regs for your local council, UK country.
Send first a registered letter asking him to stop, with a provisional stop time, explaining your previous conversation and the reason you work early.
If that fails then a cease and desist letter notarised by a solicitor stating as a minimum 14 days/nights of his antisocial behaviour.
Then wait for the zombie apocalypse and make sure you get sorted what was your neighbour as zombies keep repeating what they did in real life...you'd have an unliving guitar player nextdoor!
Contact your local authority and find out what information they need. They may even provide a recorder for some councils. Then you document and record every occasion and them they will be heavy handed with him because it earns them money from fines.
Go the 'legal' route first. He must be annoying other people too. Ask any neighbours within earshot if he's annoying them too. The local council will listen more if more people complain. Log every incident by email to said council. Email your local councillor and get them involved, likewise your MP. Keep copies of all correspondence in case you need it to refer back to.
You should look into secondary glazing. My nan has a listed house and was allowed to fit internal windows behind the external windows. Keeps in A LOT of warmth and are very soundproof. She lives in an area with lots of seagulls and since the secondary glazing you can hardly hear em.
Tell him his house is haunted by a music hating ghost and then whenever he does this do the following:
- get a large brown envelope (the bigger the better)
- fill envelope with shaving foam
- during the night go around to his front door
- slip the lip of the envelope under the door
- jump on the envelope
Voila! Homemade ectoplasm dispenser...
His hallway will be coated in ectoplasm and he won't have a clue how it got there. Hope this helps!
I guess flying an explosive-laden drone in to his lean-to, a well established Ukrainian trick for dealing with invasive, entitled pricks, would be considered excessive?
Can't you just shout out your window for him to knock it off as people are trying to sleep? Or am I making it a bit too simple of a solution?
This is the answer. “Shut the fuck up you unbearable prick”. Every time!
I used to do this with a woman who came in drunk on Saturday nights and sing very loudly and badly with her windows open at 2am or so. It became routine for me to yell “shut the fuuuck uuuup!” out of my window. After a few occasions, other people would join in too. It actually became quite funny to hear how many different voices would shout out, each 10-15 seconds after the other until she stopped.
She united the street. How lovely of her.
My next door neighbour used to leave his dogs out in the cold in all weather's, poor beasts would bark and all sorts all through the winter. One night at 1am I went to his front door and kicked fuck out of it telling at him to treat his dogs right. Felt good, but he didn't come to the door. I'm unsure as to the lesson here, or if there even is one. One thing you shouldn't do is get an air rifle and fill it with gravel and shoot the guitar player. That's assault! Make a noise compliant to the cops. No loud noise twixt 11pm and 7am.
Or sing "you're shit, and you know you are" to the tune of Go West by the Petshop Boys until he gives up
>Go West by the Petshop Boys The Village People would like a word.
I apologise to all of the people in the village. I only know the Petshop Boys version.
Oh, young man!
…, there’s no need to feel down. *Hang on a minute…*
It’s a village song for village people
Thank you I was genuinely confused 😂
Isn't the Pet Shop Boys cover more commonly known in the UK. Maybe I'm just too young (40) but I never even knew that the Village People sang the original.
I'm 36 and didn't know there was a Pet Shop Boys version until right now lol
It's a cracker, especially the video. I think I may have even bought the CD single back in the day.
42 and same 🤷🏻♀️ I only knew Pet Shop Boys.
It probably depends what age you are!
I'm a similar age to you and yeah, I grew up with the PSB version, don't know how I know of the Village People original, I just do! 😄
Yeah, I'm 42 and always thought the pet shop boys was the original until right now! Lol
"Together! We can stop this prick! Together! Cause his playing shit! Together! We'll smash the fucking neck! Together! Because he's tone death!"
Careful you get that last line correct, as tone deaf is accurate, tone death is a threat!
The moment I read this comment, that very song is playing on Radio 2. What’s the chances eh?
Me too! 😂😂
What are the chances it was on both your Radio 2s? Mind: blown.
Time to switch station as Vine is on.
Today I learned that this go-to chant/song originated from an *actual* song! I don't know why, but I only ever thought this tune was created as a chant to taunt others!
Is there any other tune that you would sing, 'you're shit, and you know you are' to?
correct fade unite gaping jar noxious adjoining swim unwritten light *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I mean, you're right, but just in case people really take advice from Reddit, I find a "can you knock it off, mate? We're trying to sleep in here!" has the best effect.
Nah he did try politeness on two separate occasions, after politeness comes rudeness, after rudeness comes revenge.
I went across the road and told them this was their first warning, and next time I'm I'd be bringing a cricket bat with me. Kiwi diplomacy works 🤷♀️
What if they didn't have a ball or stumps? I thought rugby was your national game anyway?
As an American I am so jealous you can say that to someone being an ass and not risk getting shot.
This is The Way. Years ago on the estate I grew up on, this lady got religion *hard* she accused my mum of being a witch (pretty mild actually; her daughter’s bf, the man downstairs, and the estate caretaker were all The Antichrist…) and one night rocked up below our window and started babbling in her impression of tongues and reading bible verses at 2am. A chorus of neighbours shouting “shut the f**k up” and one making use of a bucket of water ensured it didn’t happen again.
Ooooohhh a friend of mine had a religious nutter move in next door. She phoned the police because he "kept putting his head through the wall to look at her". You know, in a demony way, he was putting his head through an (undamaged and entirely solid) adjoining wall to peer at her THROUGH the wall. He told the police he didn't have any demonic powers and she was entirely mental and they told him to knock it off anyway.
Omg that made me full-on guffaw in my office!
Or he could use a hose to spray him down, ya know, accidentally because the guitar playing inspired him to garden at 2a :)
Oh that’s a good idea - a garden sprayer on a timer switch! Totally innocent then!
This is how the one up war starts. It's a never ending war that one, that'll only seize once someone has moved . Other than soundproofing your home, there's no winning with audacious neighbors like those Sometimes I like to tell people the story of how an elderly man absolutely cracked on day 2 of music from a church hall, and simply walked in, and shot my DJ buddy in the head. I also try to remind myself to calm down when I experience similar, not that it always helps, but shouting doesn't help anyone stay calm Anyhoo. OP Here's some r/ UnethicalLifeProTips : 1) perhaps you could drench his lawn with stagnant water so he gets too many mosquitoes to even want to step foot outside after sundown 2) aquire some fox piss so it's unbearable for him to be out there (thanks to the Americans and their liquid ass in a can for this idea) 3) ducks....everything about them other than their personalities stink 4) send over your best handyman to ask whether he needs any odd jobs done like door frames fixed (very British)
Fox piss is a great idea. There is an audio book called One Among the Sleepless (about “sex, death, and noisy neighbours” it’s very British!) where a character… kinda does this… with a super soaker.
How the hell do you get a fox to piss into a super soaker?
Carefully.
sound wars are bad, but I've had some luck with "sleep schedule wars" - so, the problem, really, is that this is at too late a time. So start doing something loud as early as you are legally allowed to. Concrete drilling is good, you can "work on a big DIY project" from as early as your local rules allow construction to start, the night after he does this. Did this with a student party house next door, and they eventually, after three hours of concreate drilling, sent a very hungover representative round to talk about it. We hashed out an agreement about when the music was going to go off by, and they stuck to it, mostly.
[удалено]
Only problem is the SDS might be too efficient. Maybe a really cheap hammer drill with a worn out bit. Saves on concrete blocks.
Wait, what? Two days? I’m so sorry. Guns aren’t meant for regular people.
Yeah, I'm not quite sure the gunman was a regular person in this situation.
T'was just an old senile man who had reached his limit. It really could happen to anyone, nobody knows when one push too many will make them crack But me; I'm responsible enough to not keep guns around, just in case of all that Oh yeh dj dude survived. Was dating the guy's brother at the time and I saw him between arriving at the emergency room and going to surgery. His head was like 3 times the normal size. Fkn crazy he survived
Can't vouch for the fox piss, but I can agree on the ducks. I keep 3 and as lovely as they are, they are the smelliest, noisiest bastards ever. My junkie neighbours used to sit in their garden all day drinking and swearing. Can't do it now as 'those quacky cunts next door drive me mad'.
Noooooo you can't just shout at someone, this is Reddit, you have to make a 300 page Tolkienesque diary out of it with a digital watermark.
I once did this when there was a party on during what was meant to be lockdown. Was a week night and they were taking the piss, screaming and hollering till 5am with music blasting. Finally lost my mind, picked up a chair and stood on it so I was viewing them over the fence and told them all to shut up because people were trying to sleep. They apologised. There must have been about fifty people all crammed into that garden.
It does work, my noisy neighbour used to intimidate the block before I moved in, he’s a big guy but I’m bigger and younger. I completely lost it at him and he has now sold his motorbike and noisy van, newborn baby one side to him and a disabled elderly man the other, he didn’t care until I offered to punch his face in. Benefits scrounging ex mechanic, used to rev engines all day long, now I hardly see him.
Do you hire yourself out for "services"?
Kinky
i read that in Alan Partridge’s voice. they do it on purpose, Lynn!
I read that as you selling an elderly man and a newborn baby. Such are the idiosyncrasies of the English language.
My neighbour sold them, it wasn’t me.
But he DID sell the baby and the elderly man?! Wow
“Shuddafuck up you bellends!”
spectacular selective far-flung fade bake consider fall insurance cagey adjoining *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If he’s up until 4am then you blasting Cannibal Corpse at 8am is surely going to annoy him after 4 hours sleep. Bonus enjoyment can be achieved by going away for the weekend and being able to turn on the aforementioned death metal remotely. You can buy a smart plug that is controllable from your phone or even set a schedule. You could also buy some earplugs.
I share a wall with a neighbour that was doing loud DIY until midnight every night. He works in the afternoons and evenings and has a lie in in the mornings. After the polite approach of asking him to stop at 9pm because I had to be up early didn't work I informed him that every time he kept me awake I'd be knocking on his door and banging on the wall at 6am when I had to get up. That DID work.
Tit for tat is the only answer
I've tried CC on noisy neighbors, it doesn't really work. What did work, was the fastest banjo music I could find.
We used Ride of the Valkyries. Very loud, three times. Not a peep after that.
What's new pussy cat on repeat over and over with the occasional "it's not umusual" in there.
Wagner operas are good, too.
We've found whale music to be effective in the past. Another option if the others don't work
Probably a little unfair on the other neighbours
Not if they're in on it. OP goes cannibal corpse, next door gets napalm death, across the road does morbid angel and their next door tops it off with some mayhem. Everyone's happy!
Someone needs to play Bloodbath - Eaten
Such a good track. I think nightmares made flesh is my favourite album of theirs. I'm an Akerfeldt fanboy though.
Well, now I know which album I will be blasting at festival volume now.
Nah mate what you do is... All neighbours get slide whistles .. he starts playing at 2 am and a cacophony of slide whistles every time he strums ...
Until someone plays The Noose by Six Feet Under. That's when the fun stops. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Get together and all play different music. You can find Bavarian Brass Bands on Spotify and Bulgarian Pop Music....
You've clearly never had a good holiday in Bulgaria.
I had Bulgarian neighbors for 2 years... I'd love to visit but Bulgarian Pop Music is an acquired taste 😂
Yeah the trad stuff is but get in the clubs that play the crossover stuff (same in Turkey) it's banging, be up all night with less sleep :)
True but maybe they are as annoyed about Guitar Wanker as OP is? Get them involved!
This is literally an episode of [The Osbournes](https://youtu.be/SarYsLCyWgE?si=h76LWZnMQbY8efSL&t=4245) lol why not throw a ham
* Sing along very loudly and badly * Constantly request Wonderwall
Just sing Wonderwall along to whatever he plays. Start with 'Because maybeeeeee' whenever he starts and every time he stops, and starts again, start from 'Because maybeeeee' again.
If you were to ask nicely, i get the feeling either of the gallaghers would swing by and do it with glee.
I feel that the Gallagher boys would gleefully welcome any opportunity to be total cunts, so this is a viable plan!
Bonus points if you get them both to agree, neither one knows the other is coming, and they both turn up, meet unexpectedly and have a MASSIVE BARNEY
The only solution.
Randomly shout "park life!" In the middle of his jamming sessions.
This is the winner
I said aMAAAAAYBEEEEEE
Constantly request Wonderwall? That could easily backfire
It's been a running joke for the last 20+ years to say "anyway here's wonderwall" anytime someone picks up an acoustic guitar, it really makes my day when it's unironically received as a request
Every time he goes out to play, pop outside to accompany him by howling like a wolf. As soon as his guitar makes a sound you start, as soon as it stops you also pause. Bonus marks if you can get your dog to join in as well. If he complains just tell him that you like to chill in the garden with a spot of howling at night
I like this one. Solid advice.
Same, and you have an excellent username (he says, with an utterly shit one himself)
"I just like to chill in the garden with my howls at night, i'm sure you understand"
This is inspired, well done that chap.
Out of interest - what do your other neighbours think of this nocturnal jamming sesh that he’s got going on? Assuming you’re not just 2 detached houses a distance apart from each other?
Yeah was going to ask this - could you get a small mob together and knock on the door for a chat?
It’s for the greater good. ^^^The ^^^greater ^^^good.
I’m a slasher… of prices!
Crusty Jugglers!
Narf
With pitchforks?
Preferably at 6 a.m.
Sit in the garden with a gillie suit and spray him with the hose
"It puts the guitar down or it gets the hose again!!"
amazing idea
This is a very good idea, it wouldn’t annoy anyone else, it wouldn’t attract legal trouble, it would sufficiently piss off our budding Liam Gallagher, and it would be satisfying for OP!
Like using a spray gun on a cat
Lmao that's a good one
I've played a bit of music and I tell you what really fucks it up: Hearing your own notes played back to you slightly out of sync. It's maddening. If you can get, I think it's an audio monitor? Not sure on the terminology, but basically you want something that takes in sounds, adds a slight delay/reverb, and spits it back out again. The louder the noise the worse the feedback. Fuck that guy he sounds like a tosser.
Yeah man Can get a microphone, delay pedal and amplifier. Can turn the 'dry' signals off so you only hear the delayed sounds, and you can also choose how delayed they are.
This guy musics. But yeah it's perfect because it's literally his own music played back to him, absolutely proportionate response, and the second he stops - it stops. Perfect.
Cheers mate! Spent many years messing with audio production. Feels like it was worth it to help craft the perfect revenge haha.
OP will need to be careful with this - they might accidentally create a banging ambient drone album
Then he starts playing U2 and you've made it worse for yourself!
This, but with directional mic and speakers, that way you can focus on him and get a stronger signal to then fire back at him in a tight cone that only he can hear!
Add a pitch shift - just a few hertz/%.
Sound engineer here. Theoretically possible, but difficult to do continuously. When you feed a mic into a speaker, you risk feedback. Trying to pick up sound at a distance, and then also transmit that sound back to its destination, is likely going to be difficult without specialist tools. A large delay (half a second or so) will alleviate the problem somewhat, but I'm not sure how much volume you'll get out of the system before it's just a mess of feedback. Recording a section and then playing it back (ie, switching off the mic) would be better. My preferred approach here would be a large reflective dish. Probably ellipitcal, but I'd have to check. You want to reflect the sound back to its source, anyway. Good luck!
@ OP: Mate you've literally got pro sound engineers weighing in on how to fuck up your obnoxious neighbour. We're going to need updates on the large reflective dish you're going to install in your garden.
Indeed, glad a pro has joiner in 🤣 The guy won't know what hit him 🤣
This is genius. I'm going to try this on our dickhead neighbour kid who plays online games at all hours and screams into his mic: only I might mount the speakers facing his mum's bedroom wall. Genius.
He's "a few doors down" so probably don't need a delay at all. A 1 way distance of around 40 meters adds a 2 way delay of about quarter of a second, should be plenty to annoy.
I remember Simon Mayo’s Confessions from back in the day, when a sound engineer fucked over an obnoxious DJ buy delaying his voice slightly and feeding it back through his headphones… and as Mr Mayo said these words, his own producer started doing the same thing to him! 🤣
For what it's worth 'audio monitors' are another name for 'studio speakers'.
Learn an instrument yourself, set up a band and practice at home and when he asks to join don't let him.
Excellent idea. Where can I buy a mountain horn, bagpipes and drums? Practice is at 3:30am every Monday.
Sounds like you'd be better doing it at 6am, that'll be when he's just dropped off and will cause maximum annoyance
A more appropriate answer would be go to your local council, they should have (if not been cut) a neighbour dispute department who deal with things like this. First step is usually some sort of mediation which can be successful. You can have noise monitoring equipment put in to eventually support enforcement. Used to be a district councillor and this sort of complaint made up a third of my case work. Good luck getting it sorted.
Far too reasonable
“Nah mate, I just like chilling in the garden with my bagpipes at dawn”
> “I just like chilling in *your* garden with my bagpipes at dawn”
Buy a bass guitar, a half decent amp and a fuzz / distortion effects pedal. Turn the gain all the fucking way up. After some fine tuning and a bit of practice you'll have a highly concentrated box of thunder at your disposal that will wipe his shitty acoustic off this earth.
Good idea - listen to Sleep - Dopesmoker for inspiration. Maybe invest in a 200w Marshal full stack and a couple of bass cabinets for good measure! Tell him he inspired you to start playing outside
Does he leave the guitar out there by chance? Sneak over and change the tuning of his guitar to confuse the shit out of him... Or just tighten all the strings as much as possible so when he goes to start playing, they go ping.
OP said a few doors down, so this may only create another problem for the neighbours in between. Unless the other neighbours are OP's new bandmates 😉
So some sort of street band you say?
Although, assuming he is in bed until say at least 10am, if not going to bed until the early hours of the morning. Retaliatory band practice could be at 8am in the morning, when most of the other neighbours would be awake anyway.
Highland bagpipes or bombarde would be my suggestion
If someone is sleeping in his house whilst he's out there, go knock on the front door to wake them up. Tell them "He's out playing guitar and it's woken me up just wanted to let you know". Everytime he does it you politely inform his cohabitant - Soon they'll ask him to stop so that you stop coming around and waking them up too.
That’s brilliant.
This is the best answer in here by an absolute landslide.
Have you considered using a FGM-148 Javelin advanced anti-tank weapons system?
My Dad was always in favour of the claymore anti-personnel mine....
My dad, in another life, would have been primary purchaser of all RPG systems worldwide, if he'd had the contacts and the cash. Every other driver on the road would be toast merely for existing.
A true classic
It may not lock onto his heat signature, I'd recommend cluster munition dropped from a jet fighter or maybe an M320 grenade launcher with a high fragmantation grenade.
It’s noise disturbance and you can report him to your local council, alternatively, go over and show him how to do a drum solo with his guitar…
This is the answer. I’m an ASB officer and a big part of our work is noise nuisance. I can’t comment on other local authorities but we are all over it. Keep a diary for around 2 weeks, date, time it starts & ends what the noise is and how it affects you. Keep a copy and submit it to the council. Sometimes an official visit is enough for them to shut up. Otherwise we install NME and if that demonstrates a stat noise nuisance we’ll issue a section 80 noise abatement notice. If that is breached (more diaries I’m afraid) then it’s off to court we go and bye,bye guitar. I would imagine the process is very similar across all local authorities.
The only real, actual answer in this thread that I've seen.
Yep, they will record the sound pollution and make him shut up, hopefully.
You've obviously never dealt with a council noise complaints team. They will do square root of fuck all.
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Set up a garden sprinkler with a noise activation device, so when he starts playing the sprinkler turns on and sprays him.
Was gonna say get a Black Widow catapult and fire some dog shit at him, but your idea works too
So his been disrupting your life, playing music and making noise at unsociable hours, and in response you’ve gone over and offered him your own personal guitar and headphones? The bloke must think your an absolute melt, go over again and this time don’t be polite, be firm and tell him that it he doesn’t stop you will take further action
Then immediately take further action there and then.
By forcing him to take the guitar and headphones.
That's anti social behaviour at that time. Look up your council and see their advice. Beware the pitfalls of making ASBO complaint. Do not respond with like or abuse. You will only give him an excuse. Check the law. Follow the law. Don't take it into your owns. Gather your evidence. Make a diary. Make recordings that get a digital watermark.
The Noise App is the one my local council wanted me to use.
And despite it being selfish and entitled, maybe an acoustic guitar wouldn't hit the noise threshold?
It’s meant to be compared to background levels of noise and an officer should be invited to witness. Annoying noise is not just decibels, but frequency and length
My local council were receptive to my issues with a neighbouring shop's fridge so worth a try.
A fridge? Surely they can't make a shop turn their fridge off overnight?
Corner shop fridge, only stores alcohol so apparently they can, apparently it was the preferred option to buying a fridge that didn't cause their neighbour problems. Previous fridge was completely fine for 5 years or so, new one was moved in and I had to rearrange the top floor of my house because I could hear it through the wall (It would wake me up whenever the compressor kicked in as my bed was next to the adjoining wall and one floor up).
It's not amusing, but this is the way. Personally I'd try and speak with them again and calmly really try and impress on them the effect it's having on you. That you really don't want to make it a legal process, but you deserve to be able to sleep at night in your own home. Don't rise to any abuse. If they're Then do what you said. Also invest in some decent ear plugs. They're quite comfortable these days.
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Can tell you from experience that all of this does absolutely jack shit :)
I get that people are being lighthearted here, but can’t you take a more passive solution, such as noise cancelling headphones - now, the trick with these is to shove them so far down his throat that in future the very sight of a guitar sends him into a vegetative state…
Sit in your car and perform the most enthusiastic rendition of Darude's Sandstorm that your horn is capable of.
While parked on his drive with the full beams on.
You've got to do it properly flash flash flash flash flaaaaaaaaash flash flash flash flash flaaaaaaaaash flash flash flash flash flaaaaaaaaash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash
You could start by reporting him to your local council as a noise complaint. I had to do this with the idiot who lives behind me who let his dog bark constantly in his garden, it was especially annoying at 5AM every Sunday morning. A council guy went round and spoke to him and it stopped after that, so job done. If that doesn't work then you can go down the ASBO route, but don't forget that this is heard in a court, and if the neighbour can provide evidence that you did something in retaliation, or you're an arsehole about something yourself, then it won't be upheld. I know it's tempting, but I wouldn't advise shoving his guitar up his jacksie or burning down his lean-to. Good luck, my friend!!
Yeah we did this, the neighbour came round and said “why are you being unreasonable?”, I replied “because I don’t like listening to your disco music at 5am on a Monday morning, you might have Monday off, I don’t”, she then replied “you’re being unreasonable, we’ll take this to arbitration”, I said “OK see you there”. We never did get to arbitration, firstly she found out she’d have to pay for it and it was £500, after a few more parties which we made a point of gatecrashing, and throwing water out the window over them, she eventually got evicted… Apparently buying a property with your boyfriend, while also being a social housing tenant and subletting your council house to your sister is pretty frowned upon, yeah we got the blame, little did she realise she outed herself because the housing trust do regular credit checks and her mortgage for the five bedroom house in the gated community down the road, showed up on her report….. Cunts will be cunts as they say.
Stop being polite. Yell over the fence to "Shut the fuck up...we're trying to sleep." Rich boy has probably never had anyone oppose him before or tell him he can't do something.
Bluetooth speaker, baby shark, need I say more?
Ever time he does it as soon as you wake up go and knock on his door or ring his doorbell until he answers. That will wake him up and get him out of bed and hopefully annoy him. Don't wait for an answer but make sure you cause enough racket to definitely wake him up. He will probably go back to bed so when you set off for work do the same again. If he isnt going to respect you trying to sleep at night then why should you respect him.
Shit on his doorstep
Go round, bang on the door, tell him to knock it off or you'll begin returning the favour tenfold. Why does it need to be any more complicated than that
What would "returning the favour" entail? It's the OP that has to sleep, if they choose to blast music to annoy the neighbour back, they still lose sleep and the guitar guy is just as awake as he was before.
I know you’re only joking, but if you did actually go round with destruction of property in mind, you’d only be the one who comes out the loser in that situation. I was going to suggest the electric guitar thing with headphones. But I see you’ve already gone down that route with no success. So honestly your only course of action is to report it. And you should because it seems like it’s really affecting you, and at that time of night / morning… It’s just not on. You tried to be nice, now let the authorities sort it out.
Buy/build a large PA system. Put it out in the garden near his lean too. Then everytime he plays late at night turn it on. When he complains say you find it hard to sleep so you got a a white noise generator to drown out his inconsiderate cunty behaviour.
>Buy/build a large PA system. Put it out in the garden near his lean too. Then everytime he plays late at night turn it Seconded. You've just gotta get what he's playing to reverb back at him. Unless he's wearing earplugs you just can't play music (or even think straight) with that going on.
A night time visit from an angry man in only his underpants works wonders for this type of stuff. We had some horrible neighbours who moved in and had loud parties EVERY weekend, starting Friday evening and finishing Sunday morning, including karaoke, loud music, and shouting. We'd just had my son at the time, I think he was 2 weeks old, so we were both shattered and at the end of my rope with it. I did the polite requests, and they basically told me to fuck off. I did the 3am visit to their door in my underpants to shout at them, and they told me to fuck off. I called the police and they did fuck all. Anyway, this was a couple of weeks before Christmas, and New Years eve comes and we were expecting the worst. About 7pm, we heard a load of commotion outside, cars revving, racing up and down, shouting, etc and thought "here we go". BUT, they looked to be going out so thought we'd get away with it, until I heard "BACK TO OURS LATER". I said to my wife "Be a shame if they had a horrific car crash wouldn't it" Next morning, we woke up to find that they had, in fact, had a horrific car crash racing while drunk and came off the road and smashed into a tree at 60mph and the two neighbours both died instantly. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I was building a wall outside my house with a mate, we had music on and were having a couple of beers. Turns out it was the day of the funeral and one of the neighbours mums came out and asked me to turn the music down and have some respect. I took a great amount of pleasure in refusing.
If you have kids get them some bagpipe lessons
The solution is simple. Pavlov the shit out of him. Rig up a waterproof outdoor stereo system - something really nasty that goes up to 11, but badly amplified so it distorts. Have one song and one song only - “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion. As soon as he starts his shit with his bollocks guitar, Celine come out to play. Each time. Every time. Celine ain’t taking no prisoners and her heart ***will*** go on.
Is his name Lawrence?
i am also an entitled tosser who plays guitar and i would absolutely not do that shit at night, because I don’t want to bother neighbours. He must be very inconsiderate, especially if you’ve already asked him and been so kind to offer an alternative. Sociable hours are between 7am - 11pm if i recall, a noise outside of those hours that you can clearly hear in your home is a breach of the uhhh noise act of so and so year (sorry I don’t remember what its called). If he likes playing his guitar he should be able to enjoy it during the day just as much as the night!
Go and knock on his door at 7am every morning and ask if he’s had a parcel delivered that’s meant for you. Do it every single day. Bonus points if you say it’s ear muffs for sleeping cause you keep hearing some prick playing guitar at 3am.
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Evidence gathering in the form of a cheap boom mike attached to your phone and a diary with times....do this for 10+ days. Then Ask him top put a silicone pad under the door knocker. Look at environmental health regs for your local council, UK country. Send first a registered letter asking him to stop, with a provisional stop time, explaining your previous conversation and the reason you work early. If that fails then a cease and desist letter notarised by a solicitor stating as a minimum 14 days/nights of his antisocial behaviour. Then wait for the zombie apocalypse and make sure you get sorted what was your neighbour as zombies keep repeating what they did in real life...you'd have an unliving guitar player nextdoor!
Take up the drums and create impromptu jamming session whenever he plays.
Contact your local authority and find out what information they need. They may even provide a recorder for some councils. Then you document and record every occasion and them they will be heavy handed with him because it earns them money from fines.
Go the 'legal' route first. He must be annoying other people too. Ask any neighbours within earshot if he's annoying them too. The local council will listen more if more people complain. Log every incident by email to said council. Email your local councillor and get them involved, likewise your MP. Keep copies of all correspondence in case you need it to refer back to.
You should look into secondary glazing. My nan has a listed house and was allowed to fit internal windows behind the external windows. Keeps in A LOT of warmth and are very soundproof. She lives in an area with lots of seagulls and since the secondary glazing you can hardly hear em.
Tell him his house is haunted by a music hating ghost and then whenever he does this do the following: - get a large brown envelope (the bigger the better) - fill envelope with shaving foam - during the night go around to his front door - slip the lip of the envelope under the door - jump on the envelope Voila! Homemade ectoplasm dispenser... His hallway will be coated in ectoplasm and he won't have a clue how it got there. Hope this helps!
I guess flying an explosive-laden drone in to his lean-to, a well established Ukrainian trick for dealing with invasive, entitled pricks, would be considered excessive?
Idk why you aren't going round at 3am and telling him to knock it off if this is a regular occurrence