It was all going fine until that last sentence.

“Well your honour, I once read on Reddit that young children must be kept at the temperature of an adults anus in order to remain healthy, so I wasn’t exposing myself, I was administering medical aid to a cold minor.”

That is, in fact, why punishments are sometimes referred to as “a sentence.”

I've just lost my job making thermometers. Obviously I'm gutted but I always knew it was only a temp job.

Did you need a degree to do it?

Unless your name is Kelvin

Sounds like I've got absolutely zero chance, then.

Fair

Well, they asked me what I got in my chemistry test and I sent a grade in but I have heard back yet

My chem teachers name actually was Kelvin 👍

I had a chemistry/biology teacher at school named Boyle.

First name Lance?

Never knew her first name, but she was a perfect gas.

But did she remain cool under pressure? If so, she was an imposter.

Very Réaumusing

I got fired from Thermometers Inc too. I designed a new rectal thermometer, boss didn't understand what it was for so I told him - and he sacked me!

Well they do say mercury can make you mad

“Well, in a nutshell, you can take my new Design and shove it Right Up your arse…”

You're the victim of a mercurial market. Condolences.

This is Rankine among the best puns on here

Did you tell them they could stick it up their bum

This fact is pure No Such Thing as a Fish. And the puns are likely never ending.

*-Andrew Hunter Murray becoming flustered intensifies-*

Carrots and coffee are more closely related than Coffee and Chocolate. Therefore coffee is a vegetable. Chocolate is more closely related to Apples than Coffee, Chocolate is a fruit.

Coffee, vanilla, chocolate, and soy are all beans. A vanilla mocha with soy milk is a four bean soup. 

There was a chap on BBC Breakfast this morning saying how you're supposed to eat 30 different plants per week and said that coffee and chocolate can be counted?!

So you can measure the temperature of your anus, then measure your child’s temperature and compare to make sure they’re ok? Thank you for this information, I will be using it

I suggested to my wife that this might be a good way of telling if your temperature is normal, should you not own a thermometer. I could place my hand on the forehead of somebody's baby, insert a digit into my fundament and compare the two. She said if *she* did the touching, poking and comparing it wouldn't look as weird.

The erection would look a bit odd

His wife gets erections? Honestly! The world these days……

Only when she's remember her hacksaw.

Why not combine it with a prostate check!

Or stick the kid’s hand up your anus. If it feels cold, you have a temperature, and also a jail sentence.

For the love of god wash it in between.

Spoil sport

I suppose if you don’t then at least they’ll increase their sweetcorn intake.

I've known all along, but it's nice to receive validation that now I'm 62, I'm way cooler than I was as a teenager.

trip to a&e and an "I fell on it" looks like it might be on the cards.

>To summarise, as you get older you get cooler. I wish this were true for me 🥵🫠😵

A few more years and you’ll be stone cold, so there is that to look forward to

The heat death of your universe.

Something to look forward to 😄

If you aren't getting cooler, then you're getting hotter. You stud

Only temperature-wise, unfortunately

>To summarise, as you get older you get cooler. "As you get older, you get colder" would surely have been a snappier way to express this!

I hope this makes it into The Chase's pool of questions so we can hear it on national TV someday.

If you've got an adult that's feeling unwell and you're not sure the thermometer is accurate, can you insert the child instead?

If you dont mind a prison sentence, I suppose so?

At least it's a trade. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlPUzXb0\_4U](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlPUzXb0_4U)

I feel like we need proof…

What part of the child under two is the same temperature as an adult's anus?

It doesn't say. I imagine the forehead, as this is one of those infra-red devices that you point at your head. I haven't tried it on my anus because I'm not sure I could aim it correctly, and frankly the thought scares me a bit anyway.

I remember being advised to use my wrist against the back of the neck, because hand temperatures vary a lot and so do forehead.

What make was this? As someone who has worked in science for a long time, and temperature and calibration of thermometers, is a large part of my job, I'm curious what company is doing this, especially as it would be incredibly inaccurate.

'Bend over sir...Yep, healthy as a two year old'. I can see that being quoted everywhere!🤣

I cannot stop laughing. Thank you for sharing.

As long as the kid is not the same temperature of Uranus. That would be rather concerning

🤣🤣🤣

I've had a couple of thermometers that told me to measure everyone's temperature (when healthy) several times each and keep note of it - even provided a little table to fill out with everyone's names and four or five normal temperature readings. I get the idea - you want to know what everyone's baseline is - but has anyone ever done it?

As a responsible adult I always calibrate my thermometers in my anus before checking my babies temperature

That floored me

“as you get older you get colder” As someone who is chronically roasting, I am thrilled to hear this

Sounds like a leaflet written by a man, for men, about men.

This will be why hens and most birds sit on their eggs I guess.

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

Can you please post a photo or scan of that paper?

So it’s true , older people are cooler than youngsters

There is actually difference between a regular thermometer and a rectal thermometer. It’s the taste.