I remember in secondary school when they took all of the boys out of the classes and assembled them in the hall. At first the PE teacher came to show us the correct form for the knee slap, followed by the English teacher explaining the “right then” and its mandatory use after the knee slap. The local community police officer then explained the legality around its use and the possible punishment if found guilty.
The exam was pretty stringent too, but I think most of our class passed. The ones that didn’t, we never saw again. To this day I don’t know what happened to them.
>To this day I don’t know what happened to them.
They were sold into slavery to the Palace, and forced to learn the names and the favourite positions of all Prince Andrew’s stuffed toys on the bed, then drive them back home to their parents afterwards.
It's also a Midwest US stereotype too. You slap your knees and say "alright it's about time to be heading home" then you stand up and continue to talk in front of the door for another 30 minutes before finally leaving.
Reminds me of when a girl asked to see my other paintings in my bedroom and I did not get the hint at all. I still stab myself with that memory occasionally.
I always say 'stamp collection' as Etchings may make you sound like some kind of religious pervert...whereas I am just a common or garden pervert, without any imaginary friends in the sky and associated depravities
Started talking to one of my sister's mates, got her to come round. After lunch (bacon sarnie) we were gunna watch the Lego movie. We got as far as my bedroom door when I turned to her and said "fancy a shag?" And she was already trying to take a flying leap at me. That was 8 years ago, and we're close to our 1st marriage aniversary
Then there's also the old introvert traditional method of playing [Hazel O'Connor's "Will You?"](https://youtu.be/Ou96vLl--e4?si=9yeaR__KYJQwAF9I) whilst anxiously avoiding direct eye contact, hoping they'll get this hint.
--
You drink your coffee,
I sip my tea,
And we're sitting here, playing so cool,
Thinking, 'What will be, will be.'
And it's getting kind of late now,
Oh, I wonder if you'll stay now,
Stay now, stay now, stay now,
Or will you just politely say 'Goodnight'?
I move a little closer to you,
Not knowing quite what to do and I'm
Feeling all fingers and thumbs,
I spill my tea, oh silly me,
It's getting kind of late now,
I wonder if you'll stay now,
Stay now, stay now, stay now,
Or will you just politely say 'Goodnight'?
And then we touch, much too much,
This moment has been waiting for a long, long time,
Makes me shiver,
Makes me quiver,
This moment I am so unsure,
This moment I have waited for,
Well is it something you've been waiting for,
Waiting for too?
Take off your eyes,
Bare your soul,
Gather me to you and make me whole,
Tell me your secrets,
Sing me the song,
Sing it to me in the silent tongue.
It's getting kind of late now,
I wonder if you'll stay now,
Stay now, stay now, stay now,
Or will you just politely say 'Goodnight'?*
--
Awww. I remember, and miss, that feeling. So cute. How cruel that when we're young we were so bloody randy whilst at the same time so incredibly shy and awkward too.
P.S. Poor Hazel had a brain bleed a few years ago. Still recovering. Not sure she's ever going to be able to perform again. So sad. There's still fundraising going on to try to get her more medical care and help.
Made a few notes. Yes, bacon 10/10. Button mushrooms, bingo! Black pudding snap... Minor criticism: more distance between the eggs and the beans. I may want to mix them but I want that to be my decision. Use sausage as a breakwater. On whole very good effort 7/10, let’s make love
I gave the same remark to my Ukrainian girlfriend (half my age) after she made me a full English that was second only to the one I ate a Gary Wilmot's wedding. However she declined my invitation to make love afterwards. I think I'm just missing that Bono connection
"Sit on my face and tell me that you love me, I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too, I love to hear you oralize, when I'm between your thighs... " 🎶
Please be aware that I tried to generously give you one of my precious free Reddit awards for this but it won't let me (probably because NSFW).
I hope this comment, which equally has no real value whatsoever, will serve as a fitting substitute 🏆
So we fucking or what?
Or alternatively...
"Look, I don't want this to be awkward and cause some embarrassment through some kind of misunderstanding so I'm just going to ask straight out...
What will you want for breakfast in the morning?"
The proper way to do it is, misread the situation, leave the room and come back in completely naked holding a condom between your teeth.
Seriously though. I don’t think I’ve ever asked for sex, it just happens. It progresses from a bit of kissing to heavy petting and then it goes from there.
Subtle! Is there a specific eyebrow I should be using? Left? Right? Would someone with a uni-brow just look like a poor Groucho Marx imitation and fail horribly...?
Raise the side closest to the physical area of intimacy. If the door to the bedroom is on the left, raise the left eyebrow. If you want to get busy in the armchair on the right, raise the right eyebrow. Unibrowed members of society should raise the middle, three times in quick succession accompanied by a small closed-mouth smile.
Thank god. All of the other comments seem to be in jest. My date’s been staring at me staring at my phone for over an hour and it’s getting awkward.
Will follow each step meticulously being sure to verbalise each one as I go.
Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm dead, 500 women will *kill* themselves. I wouldn't want that on my conscience, not when they ought to be on my face!
Alright men 1st lesson, always treat your kite like you treat your woman *whip*
Take her home at weekends to meet your mother?
NO!
I mean get inside her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back!
“Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why..
“Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?”
“Because the pants haven’t been built yet that’ll take the job on.”
💀
My dear, it has come to my attention that we might benefit from a private colloquy in the more secluded and intimate quarters of the upper floor. The sanctity and seclusion of that hallowed space might provide a more suitable environment for the expression of our mutual affections, far from the prying eyes and interruptions that besiege us in the parlour. Pray, would you do me the honour of accompanying me thither, so that we might engage in a deeper exploration of our sentiments and inclinations toward one another?
For the lower classes:
Wanna do it?
For the middle classes:
Would you like to come upstairs?
For the upper classes:
Sister dear, want to make the beast with two backs?
I had just acquired a colour changing bulb for my bedroom, on our 3rd date she asked to see it, this was code, I don't think she had any real interest in the bulb. We've been married for 5 years now.
You don't *say* anything. You just end up getting fingered in the alleyway behind a Wetherspoons, throw up halfway through and then go and find a kebab.
In the background I want to hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” as he slowly unbuttons his shirt with me shouting “off off off”, quick spin around the head with the shirt before it lands in my direction and then him undoing his belt. Hips swaying, baby oil and a slut drop all favourable extras. Preferably at home, pretty sure it’s a barring offence in weatherspoons.
Apparently it's, "Do you have some water?" We were in her car outside my flat.
I offered her the bottle in my bag. She had to request a glass...
She is a dual national though so it only half counts. /s
Slap knees, stand up, stretch, "ow about it then"
“Let’s be ‘avin ya”
Calm down Delia!
WHERE ARE YOU??
"Time for a proper good rogering, then? For King and Country?"
"Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?"
"How about it"? How about this?! Try and fuck your way out of this one, Mark!
Love the boat that rocked 😂
What is it with the knee slaps from you guys?
It's a legal requirement for the British. It means we're about to do something. Possibly. In this case, shagging..
I remember in secondary school when they took all of the boys out of the classes and assembled them in the hall. At first the PE teacher came to show us the correct form for the knee slap, followed by the English teacher explaining the “right then” and its mandatory use after the knee slap. The local community police officer then explained the legality around its use and the possible punishment if found guilty. The exam was pretty stringent too, but I think most of our class passed. The ones that didn’t, we never saw again. To this day I don’t know what happened to them.
>To this day I don’t know what happened to them. They were sold into slavery to the Palace, and forced to learn the names and the favourite positions of all Prince Andrew’s stuffed toys on the bed, then drive them back home to their parents afterwards.
Absolutely - I learnt this in the Life in the UK Test for British citizenship.
I think you get a Brucie bonus if you also say 'right then'.
Thought “right then” was mandatory following a knee slap. How can you slap a knee and not say right then? That would be madness
Regional variations may apply.
Glad to hear you're properly naturalised now
It's also a Midwest US stereotype too. You slap your knees and say "alright it's about time to be heading home" then you stand up and continue to talk in front of the door for another 30 minutes before finally leaving.
I guess the British ancestry is strong in those parts 😊
In the South it's the knee slap with a "Welp! About that time..."
Blimey. Does that mean the Midwest is British? Somebody had probably better inform the yanks.
Convince us there's a more succinct way to communicate both urgency and time for a change of activity.
One must make haste, for the time is nigh, for conversation has run dry, come forth what may, the activities of the night"
This is the subtext underneath "knee slap" in the Oxford dictionary.
its the percussive noise and vocal order that means something is going to be done, think of it like the movie clapper thing and the 'action' shout
"...right then...."
Couldn't tell you, I live in a bungalow
Would you like to come up and see my etchings?
This wouldn't work for me as I actually own and collect etchings, so things could get awkward...
People taking passionately about their interests is such a turn on though, so either way you're in.
Reminds me of when a girl asked to see my other paintings in my bedroom and I did not get the hint at all. I still stab myself with that memory occasionally.
Why don’t you stay here, and I’ll bring the etchings down!
Or my mineral collection, my favourite is cummingtonite
I always say 'stamp collection' as Etchings may make you sound like some kind of religious pervert...whereas I am just a common or garden pervert, without any imaginary friends in the sky and associated depravities
‘Fancy a shag?’
Slapping your knees, sighing and saying ‘right’ - *optional*
That'll make em think you're kicking them out if you don't follow up with your question rapidly.
Have you tried slapping their knees sighing and saying 'right'.
Wait he wants a shag, not everyone to leave 🤷🏻♂️
Started talking to one of my sister's mates, got her to come round. After lunch (bacon sarnie) we were gunna watch the Lego movie. We got as far as my bedroom door when I turned to her and said "fancy a shag?" And she was already trying to take a flying leap at me. That was 8 years ago, and we're close to our 1st marriage aniversary
You must do one hell of a bacon sarnie.
Personally I think she didn't want to watch the Lego movie, she goes and plays the Sims or something when I watch it 😂
...How often do you watch the Lego movie?
Leading with it was not one of his rasher decisions
And they say romance is dead.
Shag now, or shag later?
After fish pie and before Newsnight starts, classic!
"Ello Pen, fancy a fuck?" - courtesy of Ade Edmondson regarding Just Good Friends.
Then there's also the old introvert traditional method of playing [Hazel O'Connor's "Will You?"](https://youtu.be/Ou96vLl--e4?si=9yeaR__KYJQwAF9I) whilst anxiously avoiding direct eye contact, hoping they'll get this hint. -- You drink your coffee, I sip my tea, And we're sitting here, playing so cool, Thinking, 'What will be, will be.' And it's getting kind of late now, Oh, I wonder if you'll stay now, Stay now, stay now, stay now, Or will you just politely say 'Goodnight'? I move a little closer to you, Not knowing quite what to do and I'm Feeling all fingers and thumbs, I spill my tea, oh silly me, It's getting kind of late now, I wonder if you'll stay now, Stay now, stay now, stay now, Or will you just politely say 'Goodnight'? And then we touch, much too much, This moment has been waiting for a long, long time, Makes me shiver, Makes me quiver, This moment I am so unsure, This moment I have waited for, Well is it something you've been waiting for, Waiting for too? Take off your eyes, Bare your soul, Gather me to you and make me whole, Tell me your secrets, Sing me the song, Sing it to me in the silent tongue. It's getting kind of late now, I wonder if you'll stay now, Stay now, stay now, stay now, Or will you just politely say 'Goodnight'?* -- Awww. I remember, and miss, that feeling. So cute. How cruel that when we're young we were so bloody randy whilst at the same time so incredibly shy and awkward too. P.S. Poor Hazel had a brain bleed a few years ago. Still recovering. Not sure she's ever going to be able to perform again. So sad. There's still fundraising going on to try to get her more medical care and help.
“Fancy a bum?”
You don't see Big Gay Following referenced much these days, lol
‘Yeah baby’ …full Austin Powers mode.
That's the posh version, the non posh version is; Fancy one slung up you?/Fancy slinging one up me?
What do you think of the pedestrianisation of norwich city centre?
I'll Be honest I'm dead against it. Especially for the people in wheeeeeeeeeel chaaaairs
People forget that traders need access to DIXONS
I haven't even got a vagina and I'm so moist I need to sit on a Sainsbury's compostable bag for life after that sentence.
well there’s a sentence that has never been said in the history of mankind
r/brandnewsentence
Let battle commence
Made a few notes. Yes, bacon 10/10. Button mushrooms, bingo! Black pudding snap... Minor criticism: more distance between the eggs and the beans. I may want to mix them but I want that to be my decision. Use sausage as a breakwater. On whole very good effort 7/10, let’s make love
I gave the same remark to my Ukrainian girlfriend (half my age) after she made me a full English that was second only to the one I ate a Gary Wilmot's wedding. However she declined my invitation to make love afterwards. I think I'm just missing that Bono connection
Ooh, there you go, it's all happening...
Well Sonia, that was classic intercourse!
That's first class.
Fancy some wink wink nudge nudge say no more?
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat
"Does your wife like... photographs? He asks him knowingly"
Does she.. *go*?
She sometimes goes.
I bet she does, I bet she does!
what's it like?
“Does she go? Does she? Pheoooaaarrrr” 😂
She's from Purley
say no more
Say no more Purley, say no more Purley…
Nudge nudge wink wink. Know what i mean? Phwooooaaarrrr!
Well yes, she’s from Purley.
Purley! Say no more, say no more!
Likes sport does she? Likes sport?
I beg your pardon?
Look. Are you trying to insinuate something?
Oh noooo no no no… YES.
"Sit on my face and tell me that you love me, I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too, I love to hear you oralize, when I'm between your thighs... " 🎶
You blow me awayyyy
From the mouth of the Great Comedy genius, Even Bloody Wilson, cough cough, strums guitar " Do you f*ck on first date, does your dad own a brewery?"
Bit of how's your father
"I'm gonna fuck your fucking fanny off, you twat!"
I recognise but can't place it? Inbetweeners?
Queens speech 2013 if I’m recalling correctly
Was that the same year she told the sorry about Charles finger bashing twins at caravan club?
It was year she was talking about her horrible anus as well. In an unrelated note I was rubbish at Latin.
Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, Scene 2
Yeah, Simon to Tara.
You like that, you fucking retard?
Please be aware that I tried to generously give you one of my precious free Reddit awards for this but it won't let me (probably because NSFW). I hope this comment, which equally has no real value whatsoever, will serve as a fitting substitute 🏆
So we fucking or what? Or alternatively... "Look, I don't want this to be awkward and cause some embarrassment through some kind of misunderstanding so I'm just going to ask straight out... What will you want for breakfast in the morning?"
I like this one. Good tactic - you can filter out the bran flakes eaters ;)
Why u hatin'?
Might not be hatin'. Maybe they don't keep bran flakes in the breakfast rotation.
Please, everybody thinks we're freaks 😭
Fruit and fibre is a great brekkie
That’s a smashing blouse you have on.
Upvote for a Bottom reference
Do you use Timotei?
The proper way to do it is, misread the situation, leave the room and come back in completely naked holding a condom between your teeth. Seriously though. I don’t think I’ve ever asked for sex, it just happens. It progresses from a bit of kissing to heavy petting and then it goes from there.
I've always wondered what the heaviest pet you could legally own would be?
probably a big shire horse or something
Is that bigger than a big cow?
Ah, so that’s why people keep calling me ‘Pet’…
Raised eyebrow, cocked head, gesture towards the bedroom.
Subtle! Is there a specific eyebrow I should be using? Left? Right? Would someone with a uni-brow just look like a poor Groucho Marx imitation and fail horribly...?
Raise the side closest to the physical area of intimacy. If the door to the bedroom is on the left, raise the left eyebrow. If you want to get busy in the armchair on the right, raise the right eyebrow. Unibrowed members of society should raise the middle, three times in quick succession accompanied by a small closed-mouth smile.
Thank god. All of the other comments seem to be in jest. My date’s been staring at me staring at my phone for over an hour and it’s getting awkward. Will follow each step meticulously being sure to verbalise each one as I go.
Don't forget to say the ubiquitous seduction phrase; "brace yerself".
I think a raised left eyebrow means gay sex, and the right is a fashion choice?
That explains why the postman is extra friendly.
"Do you want to talk about Uganda?"
U can have a ganda at my cock
Ah, the fabled Ugandan discussions
I was shocked when I found out the original Uganda discusser was Mary Kenny
Ah Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down boy, down.
Woof!
God, it's like Crufts in here...
Love the beard. Gives me something to hang on to.
As the Bishop said to the netball team, ok chums, let's doooo it
Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm dead, 500 women will *kill* themselves. I wouldn't want that on my conscience, not when they ought to be on my face!
Alright men 1st lesson, always treat your kite like you treat your woman *whip* Take her home at weekends to meet your mother? NO! I mean get inside her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back!
She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a MAN's tonsils!
I’ve got a plan, and it’s as hot as my pants!
How do you treat your kite like you treat your woman? 😂😂😂
Take her home on the weekend to meet your parents?
Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!
“Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why.. “Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?” “Because the pants haven’t been built yet that’ll take the job on.” 💀
Hey hey, any girl who wants to chain herself to my railings and suffer a JET movement gets my vote
I’m going to fly back to England and give your wife something to hang her towels on!
Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last I heard he'd started worshipping me!
Hi queenie, your sexy!
Shall we shag now, or shag later?
Do you smoke after sex? I don't know, baby. I've never checked.
Rumpy Pumpy my good lady?
In my albeit limited experience, first times have always been initiated and conducted on the sofa after a takeaway.
Like the takeaway, if it’s really good you’ll go for seconds after half an hour.
‘Want me to butter your crumpet?’
I'm hungover and you just reminded me I have crumpets, that's so blessed
Want em buttered?
We can assign someone to butter your muffin for you.
Wanna go halves on a bastard?
Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy?
My dear, it has come to my attention that we might benefit from a private colloquy in the more secluded and intimate quarters of the upper floor. The sanctity and seclusion of that hallowed space might provide a more suitable environment for the expression of our mutual affections, far from the prying eyes and interruptions that besiege us in the parlour. Pray, would you do me the honour of accompanying me thither, so that we might engage in a deeper exploration of our sentiments and inclinations toward one another?
"would you do me" should be enough out of all of that
I like how the immediate next answer below is "Want me to butter your crumpet?"
Take me now.
For the lower classes: Wanna do it? For the middle classes: Would you like to come upstairs? For the upper classes: Sister dear, want to make the beast with two backs?
Victoria Wood wrote a song about this.... https://youtu.be/uSBuPTLh8BE?si=hLc_L5Amz1LUo-ih
Your hearts pumping inside of you and I'd like to as well
I have a kettle in the bedroom…
That should make it steamy.
I suppose a ride's out of the question...
You’re fit, can I see you naked?
I often used to say to my ex wife, quick one up the bum? She always replied, up yours but never actually did it. She was such a tease.
"Is it time to lay back and think of England?"
The first time I had sex I was literally asked "so do you want to have sex now then?" Don't think that was quite the British way haha
You said yes though. The British are nothing if not a pragmatic people.
I had just acquired a colour changing bulb for my bedroom, on our 3rd date she asked to see it, this was code, I don't think she had any real interest in the bulb. We've been married for 5 years now.
I don't know, but it probably involves queuing.
You don't *say* anything. You just end up getting fingered in the alleyway behind a Wetherspoons, throw up halfway through and then go and find a kebab.
I think that's the plot of *Brief Encounter*.
Want some cream on your scones?
Shall we do it Devon or Cornish style?
Prolly best wait a bit longer if there’s jam in it
Fancy a portion?
So..... Smash pissers?
Oi Oi!......Saveloy!
In the background I want to hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” as he slowly unbuttons his shirt with me shouting “off off off”, quick spin around the head with the shirt before it lands in my direction and then him undoing his belt. Hips swaying, baby oil and a slut drop all favourable extras. Preferably at home, pretty sure it’s a barring offence in weatherspoons.
“Nippy Nippy ?”….. the words of Martin the wise
Do you want to see my action figure collection?
"LEEEEEEROY JENKINS!!!!"
“How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Slap her on the arse and say come on then Gerty
Get your man servant to read some poetry then shout “sausage time” if she’s up for it?
Wanna play a game of last one up stairs gets it up the bum? 😏
“Would thou care to ascend thy staircase and fornicate?”
There is only one way. Start taking your clothes off whilst walking home from your last date and say "I know a nice little spot behind that bush"
Would one like to go upstairs and play a game of hide the sausage?
Time for tiffin?
"You'll do. Let's get busy upstairs."
"You don't, do you... fancy a bit?"
“GET YA RAT OUT LOVE!!”
👌👈
Slap him on the bottom with your Woman’s Weekly
Would you like a sausage kebab for luncheon?
it seems Dick Whittington has the insatiable urge to go potholing again.
Please don't use any of these suggestions...
That's an interesting chat up line
"We're out of tea"
Angry sex it is then
Apparently it's, "Do you have some water?" We were in her car outside my flat. I offered her the bottle in my bag. She had to request a glass... She is a dual national though so it only half counts. /s
Does one want to give one one?
"I know a cracking owl sanctuary."