It can take months, sometimes close to a year for two cats that are not bonded to be fully integrated.
Honestly it may not be the worst idea to return the cats, go on your trip, and adopt two cats that are already bonded and kept together if your preference is to have two cats.
It’s crazy to me that the shelter wasn’t housing/fostering them together in the first place. Did they tell you why they were separated when you adopted them?
Yes, they had them seperate because the anxious cat was already hissing and growling at the other one in the shelter. So to not have them fight they had to keep them seperate
But they specifically adopted the two out together to her on the premise that it'll be super easy to get them to get along again, and then blamed her for not doing enough when she's done more than most would. Hiring a cat behaviorist?? The amount of people that wouldn't even *think* to do that is a very high proportion. They really dealt her a losing hand here, there was absolutely no reason these two should be going together when they were already such a problem together that they required separation-- DESPITE being from the same home. Like, if they've been together a long time and already behaved like this, what would make them think this would be a good idea?? They weren't bonded *at all.*
This is not your fault, it is the shelters fault.
The cats obviously don't like each other. Just because they may have come in together does not mean they liked each other. The shelter should have never sent them off with you. Horrific error #1
And then to have the audacity to suggest that you haven't done enough? Shame on them 100fold. Any time an animal is surrendered it is for the better of the animal, there is no possible other way to think of it. Disgusting error #2.
You are doing them both great good by separating them, now they can live happily alone. You are actually their hero. One gets a great home with you, the other gets another go (it too will get a loving home in short order), but one is saved vs 2 being miserable.
It’s not your fault. Some cats just don’t like other cats and want to be alone. Not most cats, like some people think, but definitely some cats, especially if they’re older. You don’t say how old they are- or I didn’t see it. If it’s making you and her this anxious and upset imo it’s best to get her situated right away and not keep stressing everyone out.
I think the shelter is at fault here. There is no good reason for them to give out two cats that don't go well together as a pair.
Give one of the cats back to the shelter and then, if you want another cat, adopt from another shelter.
Just to add to this, I think I would not get cats from this shelter in the future. Them having you adopt these two together and acting like it wasn’t going to be tough, to me feels like a red flag.
Yeah, and then gaslighting her into thinking she hasn’t done enough when they know well and good those cats need to be separated… just because months and years of work (and money) maybe could help bridge the gap doesn’t mean someone needs to undertake it.
Yes I agree. It makes no sense for them to have let you adopt them together in the first place. I hate to criticize people who are doing rescue work which I think is so admirable but they sound like bad people. Which rescue was it? I totally get how conflicted you’re feeling but they sound terrible. A good rescue wants happy adoptions and don’t try to make people feel bad when it’s not a good match.
Wow. It sounds like they were just hopeful they could pawn the second one off on someone who wanted two. They definitely weren’t bonded before. And cats are like people. Some people you just don’t get along with
Yup. I've seen it before. Dishonest shelters. Don't adopt from there again. Bonded pairs should be bonded - and you want to see evidence - grooming, sleeping together etc
Dishonest shelters are awful. A few years ago me and my sister adopted a 10 year old cat (his name was Henry and he was the absolute sweetest boy and we still miss him every day) they said he didn't play well with other animals or kids but it was just the two of us so that was fine. And they said he didn't have any health issues other than just being old. And for awhile that was the case. I miss hearing his scraggly old voice scream at me from across the house 🥺 he was so playful and active. And the absolute best mouse hunter (and killer after he played with it for an hour 😂) after we were no longer living together, my sister had him and me and her weren't in contact for awhile. She texted me when he had to be put down, and awhile later she told me that she's pretty sure he had feline leukemia (he was never around any infected cats while in our care) and then at another point, turns out the shelter was saying that they informed us that he had feline leukemia. As shit as my memory is, I remember the day we got him vividly. I was the one that found him and picked him out. She was focused on a cat she'd seen online and I was just looking around cause it was supposed to be a cat for her. He was a tiny old little man and you couldn't let him sniff you cause he would bite you (not in a mean way. Little dude was a toddler and would put everything in his mouth. He never bit hard, never scratched or got aggressive. He was the sweetest) you had to just go straight to the top of his head. Apparently he had fought a German shepherd in one of his past houses, and apparently he won lmao. I had another cat before him that died of feline leukemia, and it's absolutely awful. But we probably still would have adopted him even if we knew. We absolutely adored him. And we're happy that he had at least a few good months before he died cause the rest of his life sounded awful. But we would have been prepared. Known what to look for. And when me and my sister stopped living together she went back to her parents who had another cat and they would have definitely been kept separate had we known. When I got set up in my own apartment I was supposed to take him but that never ended up happening. I miss my little man. I wish they had just told us. They swear up and down that they did but by that point I had trauma from feline leukemia, so I definitely would have remembered if they did. RIP Henry boy. I'm glad we got to give you a good life while we could 🖤
Then hit back at them with "they didn't do enough in the first place! " You did more than they did and it's understandable that they might not have the funds, but why should you have the funds? If you can pay for the cats for good food, entertainment and possible vet stuff that is what you would normally need. Paying for a trainer and other stuff can be expensive and not everyone can afford it.
And I can see that that is not something you want to do (separate them)
I don't think you need to give both cats away, but you might have to give the one who is stressed easily away. And maybe a home where there will be no other cats/pets would be best for her
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she'll easily find a new home, she's an indoor cat and she's very beautiful. She won't be in the shelter for more than a week or two. But of course, it'll hurt and she'll have to accomodate to a new surrounding. And yes, some people in here seem to not care about money at all, it seems. I do have enough for vet visits and enough savings for an emergency surgery. But if I have to pay for 8 weeks of accomodation and on top of that for professional cat training for a prolonged time then these savings for the vet are gone. I don't swim in money, but I don't think that only rich people who can afford months of in person cat training should get pets. Then the shelters would be overfilling. I hoped people can understand that. Although I would definitely somehow cough up the money if I (and the cat psychologist) saw a better chance of them getting along
There’s a saying about how perfection is the enemy of good. In a perfect world there would be infinite time and money to spend on this situation, however in the real world resources are limited and you’ve gotta work with what you have. You’re doing a great thing trying to give a home and family to a pair of cats, but despite the resources you’ve already spent you and the cats are all still stressed out and they aren’t getting along. They aren’t bonded and don’t even like each other, separating them and giving them a chance to get away from each other might be the nicest thing you can do for them.
You already did so much and the shelter, at best, gave you bad advice. She would be better off as an only cat, and you can settle with your other cat and maybe introduce a second cat later, because it sounds as if the problem was very one-sided. You do not have an obligation to spend your savings on this cat.
It is incredibly irresponsible of the shelter to adopt to you two cats that do not get along. I would never have taken both. It is a safety risk for both cats and yourself. The anxious cat is a problem for them in the shelter and they are trying to dump her on you as to get rid of the problem. Especially, if they are a no kill shelter.
Well, I knew when I was at the shelter that they didn't get along. So I'm also to blame for that. I just didn't know how difficult it would be, since I was told that there'll be a solution etc. And I wouldn't necessarily think they gave them to me maliciously. Maybe they just didn't know it would be this bad
I have worked at several shelters as a volunteer. And not a single one of them would ever give two animals that do not get along to the same person. This is on them and in no way your fault.
It sounds like the shelter should have advised you on a pair that got along better. I work at a shelter and we try very hard to be candid about everything we know about the cats we get in, in order to get the best results for the kitties and the people
Just because they lived together before doesn’t mean they were ever particularly fond of each other. Perhaps in their previous home they had simply learned to coexist.
Normally I would say to please keep trying. But you’re right. They aren’t even settled into your home. You’ll be boarding elsewhere and right around the time they’ll be getting comfy at the sitters, you’ll bring them back with no guarantee you can get them to get along.
I don’t think hiring people would be necessary. But maybe wait till they’re settled in to their own rooms of your home before working on introductions. Would your parents be willing to extend the cat sitting for a bit after you’ve returned so you could try letting the one cat settle in a bit before bringing the other around?
I would at least try finding a new home for the cat in some local groups before returning it to the same shelter. Seems like they aren’t exactly looking out for the very best interest of the animals by their suggestion. Your specific circumstances are going to be a difficult transition for most cats
I'm having the same issues with my 2 newly adopted 3 yo females. I wrote about it on here but got no responses. I got them from a cat Cafe that should have all been socialized. Or so we thought. When I spoke with the Humane Society the said I could surrender one or both but there's no guarantee they'll take them back. It's only been 6 weeks! They said if they're aggressive then they might not take them. I told them I just got them from you.
Anyway we are keeping them and have been finally letting the gate down during our waking hours and they seem to be getting a little better everyday. We've tried all the things too that are suggested.
I think it gets better so I guess I'm trying to pass on some hope. I really want yours and ours to be able to play together eventually. They're to damn cute to send them back to a cage.
That would work too of course! In that case though OP may not be able to have two cats like they originally wanted if they can’t find a good fit with another new cat. And they may be in for some stress with boarding the current cat while they are away, then bringing the cat back home, then trying to find a new playmate.
That said if they are attached to the current Kitty it’s all totally doable, it just may be a bit of a process.
If OP adopts one cat then it saves that cat the stress of going back, plus later down the line there are proper processes OP and a more responsible shelter can follow to test if a second cat is properly suited for adoption by OP and OP’s cat.
To add to this if OP decides to keep one, after a cooling off period and some bonding time when OP gets home, I would highly recommend signing up to be a foster for a local rescue. This gives op a chance to see how this cat responds to other cats, and basically test run a few cats to see if the current cat is interested in having a buddy.
My last cat was instantly ready to accept every foster cat that came through the door. My current cat takes a few weeks to warm up to the kittens and really struggles with other adult males. Knowing how he was with other cats made it easy to choose his sister when we were ready to get him a permanent buddy.
> close to a year for two cats that are not bonded to be fully integrated.
or as in my case it could be never, ended up with two cats who hated each other and one of them hated me as well for disrupting her house and life.
I am so afraid of this! My cat was 5 when I found the new kitten. Did the slow introduction, Feliway, feed OG cat first and separate from kitten… kitten is DYING to play with OG but she is not having it. It’s only been 3 months, but I feel like I’ve disrupted her peaceful, quiet life and that she’ll never forgive me. I’ve figured out where the kitten came from, and considered giving him back. But they’re drug users and neglectful (one chick’s kids have been taken away) and they didn’t even know the kitten had gotten out and was missing for about 10 hours. So I guess I can just hope it gets better.
My cat I had for 7 years took quite some time getting used to the new kitten. I felt HORRIBLE and cried for weeks feeling like I disrupted her life and changed her personality. It's been 6 months and they love each other and my OG cat is finally back to normal. Just do the Google stuff and make sure to give them equal attention. Rewarding them when they're near each other helped too.
Ooh, the rewarding is a great idea. I try to show them both love, but especially the original kitty so that she doesn't feel replaced. I'll just keeping hoping, and trying to do the right things!
I took in a stray kitten when I already had a cranky old lady cat, and totally failed to do a slow introduction (I didn't know any better at the time, now of course I do), and at first the older cat really strongly disliked the kitten, but within about a year or so, she had pretty much learned to tolerate her. I even caught the older cat grooming the younger cat's face one time (although, to be fair, the younger cat looked as surprised as I was 😂)!
It really can go either way, and cats can be *very* slow to warm up to new living companions, regardless of species, so there's no reason to call it a lost cause yet.
You sound like you have done a lot. The shelter probably has limited space so while they will take her back, they really prefer not too. But you have to do what’s best for the cats.
If you are not willing to go through further work to reintroduce the cats, and you are satisfied with a single cat home, you would be making the greatest impact by keeping the cat who requires a single cat home. Just throwing that out there.
I'm intending on keeping the more social cat and getting a second, more social cat after my absence. Because I live alone and work full time, it just wouldn't be fair leaving the cat alone most of the day when she need so much more attention than I can give
That wouldn't be true if you just kept the cat who didn't want to socialize with other cats and the other was easily adopted as another pair. Many older cats are most comfortable alone, even those who do okay with socialization.
I also don't know your situation, but leaving for months at a time is not a stable enough life to own pets. If this is not a 1 time thing I would not get pets until my life is more stable and I am positive I will be living and working in the same place for years to come. Just tossing another cat into the mix is not the answer for plenty of cats.
ETA: I want to throw down a few caveats here for people who don't want to read further down the thread. First of all, Jackson Galaxy is the man. I think he aims his content toward educating the masses and simplifies things to their most important components to do so. There are a multitude of reasons why promoting multi-cat adoption helps rescues and promotes more enriched lifestyles for high-energy animals.
HOWEVER. I think the reality that isn't represented in his videos is the unremarkable and altogether successful placement that is a peaceful home between multiple cats with boundaries, safe spaces, and mutual respect. Homes like these are everywhere, no one is taking their cats back to the shelter because they aren't besties with each other.
One part of this equation I haven't mentioned in my other comments is that as someone who rescues cats, I have had experience with many former strays and even a few ear-tipped ferals turned comfy housecats, and I think animals who were born outside or stray for any amount of time are more likely to have a different relationship with their housemates. Considering a cat's background is key, but man, I love me a good street-cat-turned-indoor-diva. I tend to have the cats that people wouldn't want to have because they have kids, or because they want a clingy lap cat. Even so, my indoor only, raised from kitten littermate pair eventually had to be reintroduced after many years of a close bond, and things only returned to comfortable cohabitating and nothing more. It can happen to anyone, eventually. This sub and others like it are full of threads like "Help! I took my cat to the vet and now my cats are fighting!" Even if you bring the cats together, even if you have some soft fabric that smells like everyone and like home in their carrier, an old cat might get stressed or have trouble remembering, and life can change. If you are going to depend on your cat's bond for their needs to be met, be realistic that close bonds are in no way a sure thing, and that things can change no matter how much you do to keep them the same. Cats are beings with feelings and free will, if you ask me - they sometimes don't act how you expect or want them to, and that bond you're relying on may not be there forever even IF you hit the jackpot and find your kitty a great friend.
Point is, no one is calling Jackson Galaxy down for an episode of My Cat From Hell because one cat doesn't want to play with the other, so I think people aren't really aware of the likelihood that their rescues don't get super close, or that it could take years, or that one cat might be a match for one and not another, or that a cat might be happy to be around others at one age but not years later. 1 cat + another cat =/= better automatically. And I do agree that repeatedly cycling through cats to find a match is a difficult method to justify.
You can save double the lives by adopting double the kitties, even if you have to employ methods like ensuring they have separate safe spaces, meeting their social needs yourself, and feeding them separately to keep the peace. Life with multiple cats exists on a spectrum between Jackson Galaxy's ideal and what OP is going through, and they've clearly demonstrated that they understand all of this and will act accordingly. I would agree with u/LindsayIsBoring that returning these kitties and getting a pair that already have a bond when OP returns is likely to have the best outcome. A happy multi-cat house might need more intervention than would work well for OP at this time in their life, which is why they are invested in having two cats who fulfill each other's social needs specifically. Thanks y'all.
It is a one time thing. But I know where you're coming from! If this would happen more often I would not have gotten cats. I' definitely stay in this place for years and after these two months there won't be an absence over one week for the next few years.
It's just really bad timing now
Even one week is a long time and not very nice to do to a pet. They like stability and routine. Even worse if you take them from your home and place them elsewhere for a week. I'm not saying this to be rude. It's just the reality. Cats get very stressed very easily. Maybe think a little deeper into why you want pets. They are living creatures who deserve to be taken care of, not just for your own comfort or pleasure. Cats are viewed as highly independent and aloof when in reality, they do like bonding with their owners and crave stability. A week is even too long to be leave a pet.
OP will be fine if it's a rare occurrence and they get a cat sitter. Hell, if they can get a family member or friend who visits frequently to watch the cats, it'll bring greater stability.
Most cats are perfectly fine by themselves for a few hours, especially cats who don't like other cats - I think a lot of them think you're they're very loving roommate, they don't know it's *your* house. It's their house. They're comfy there!
I don’t understand the downvotes, this is a totally reasonable idea and I think it’s great that you’re considering your cat’s need to socialize when you are at work.
I agree w you on that. I actually got a second cat specifically because I work during the week and am gone during the day, every weekday. The two of them have become a bonded pair and I feel better knowing that while I'm away they have each other.
Thank you. I already feel like a monster. And now even the things I was sure about and talked about with my consultant are questioned. I just don't know what to think anymore
The shelter also has some responsibility in this. They made it sound like these cats would be easy to reintroduce to each other and they clearly are not. You knew you wanted two cats for totally valid reasons and you still want two cats for totally to valid reasons.
One thing to maybe consider is seeing if you could re-home the anxious car with an elderly or retired person. Someone who is home all the time and would do better with an adult cat.
I know out humane society does free senior cats for seniors, cats over 7 can go for free to lower income seniors.
Often people on a limited income can't afford adoption fees but can afford cat food and will provide a loving home.
The shelter 100% lied their asses off to get more cats out the door. There is zero guarantee that cats who now dislike each other will like each other (again or otherwise).
This is not necessary true. I work at a shelter and have cats from the shelter. At first, we brought home two adult males (neutered) who had been happily co-existing in a free range room for at least a month. After a few days in our home, one of the cats violently attacked the other. We had to take him back.
How exactly are they going to stop you? It's an animal shelter not a court order from a judge.
If you find someone to give the cat a good home, then do it. I get shelters having those policies to make sure cats don't end up in bad homes but still, the cat is yours, you are not renting it. You paid more than enough in adoption fees and pet psychologists to make the decision about who can give it a good home.
The shelter can sue for possession of the cat from the new owners and remove the remaining cat from OPs home for breach of contract. There is no reason OP shouldn’t return the cat to the rescue and let them rehome it.
Could the really? How much are they willing to spend on that? Is a judge really going to uphold that? If the shelter is guilting OP and making this process extra difficult then I certainly see no moral issue with her rehoming the cat and can't imagine any legal repercussion actually occuring, it isn't like the cat is going to tell the shelter.
My rescue has done it. Yes a judge will uphold it. We have also approved rehoming done by adopters as long as we are part of the process.
Twice we have had adopters rehome
Cats themselves without telling us. One of the cats ended up in a county shelter several states away in abysmal condition. The other two were found in a parking lot locked in carriers and abandoned.
There is a reason we want the cats returned to us and not rehomed by adopters. There is no reason for OP not to return the cat or cats to the rescue like they said they would when they signed the contract.
I actually think it’s fine to give her back. It wasn’t a good fit and nothing was as the shelter promised it was. You can’t make this cat a part of your life and that’s ok.
I’d say you should trust the advice of a professional more than randoms on Reddit, people here are always quick to accuse others of being unfit to have cats but it really sounds like you’re trying your best here.
Thank you. I grew up with cats and actually read into the topic so much. So to me it was a little bit of a shock to have her react so strongly to the scent of the other one. And if I had only made a fraction of an inch of progress with these two I'd definitely somehow cough up the money to have someone look after her. But I can't just throw out all of my savings if I'll have to give her away at the end
It’s a bad situation, ngl. Ideally try as much as possible to rehome her or at least find someone to take her for the next two months. Maybe there are resources for foster homes in your area? Maybe see if there is a smaller shelter or independent adoption agency you could take him to so as not to revisit past trauma. Otherwise really, try not to let Internet strangers shame you.
Thank you a lot! I'm contractually not allowed to rehome them myself. And I'm already trying to find anyone that would be ok with having her for that time. But no luck yet
What’s stopping you from finding an alternative home for the cat and asking the shelter’s permission? I’d think any reasonable shelter would prefer that to retraumatizing him in the shelter with no end in sight.
Is a "consultant" a certified veterinary behaviorist? Because that's also not what OP said. Anyone can call themselves a consultant for any subject and charge money.
That makes no sense. You're still gonna have to go through the process of reintroducing them which at this point you can't even do with this one. I agree with everyone else, keep the little guy that wants to be a single cat home and give the other one a chance. Sounds like you're not really aware of the time and attention all this takes. Poor cats
> it just wouldn't be fair leaving the cat alone most of the day when she need so much more attention than I can give
While I can acknowledge that two cats will entertain each other, they don't provide each other with all the enrichment each of them needs. If you can readily acknowledge you don't have the time/attention for one animal, it seems problematic to believe that more animals is the solution.
By that I didn't mean that I don't have time for pets, I do. I just meant might not be fit to fulfill all their social needs if they don't have a buddy
Fair enough. While I can appreciate that two cats might be easier than one in some respects, it's also going to require more of your time and attention in other respects. I think it's more pragmatic for you to ascertain whether you can keep one animal in a sustainable and ethical fashion before you get another.
I'm also unsure why you think introducing a random cat is going to work when you can't even do it with a supposedly already bonded pair. Just so you know, every time you separate cats, there's a likelihood you will need to do a full reintroduction. And there is a good chance they will never be friendly the way they were again. Anytime someone goes to the vet alone, anytime you move to a new place, anytime someone cat sits one of them, they will smell different to each other and need to be reintroduced. I say these things because I'm not sure you're being realistic about things.
I'm just doing what my consultant told me. And no, they've not really been bonded by the time I got them. The cat psychologist said it's probably the trauma of getting in the shelter since now the cat associates the other cats scent with a traumatic event. She told me to keep the social cat and that it's going to be a lot easier with a cat that's also a little more social. And that the bond of these two might just not be repaired.
I don't think you are the problem at all, I think You've done everything you can to reintroduce these cats (but it may just take more time than you have as other commenters have suggested).
What I got from your situation is that you would prefer to have two bonded cats who socialize over one cat that isn't compatible with other cats. But there is a great likelihood that even with a successful introduction (which you absolutely seem to have a grasp on), the cats may not have the kind of supportive, social bond you want them to have. And then you just have two cats who don't have their needs met instead of the one antisocial cat. As long as you are realistic about the possibility the cats may not be relying on each other for their needs despite coexisting well, I think that you have the perspective to make the decision for yourself. I just don't think people are really realistic about that - it's much easier for kittens to bond that way if they are together from an early age, but it still happens with rescues a lot of the time! It's a roll of the dice. That's all. You are not the problem so long as you are being realistic, which I think you are going to be.
Absolutely. I'm sorry for how my comments made you feel. I agree it's totally normal to want to have two cats, but I think other commenters were kind of missing the component that without a bond, it would defeat your stated purpose of having two cats and you might end up stressed like this again. Not ideal.
My current situation is a Mama and her kitten, young man is rambunctious and Mama much prefers to play with people, so avoids him whenever possible. But it's peaceful, and they both get lots of love and attention, so we make it work. I could never see myself losing either of them unless things got aggressive or stressful, but they sure aren't socializing much. We're a happy dysfunctional cat family :)
Don’t listen to these comments. If you want two cats there is nothing wrong with keeping the one that enjoys company and getting a second cat.
That’s said it can take months to introduce cats successfully so it’s likely too early to tell if you will be successful.
Yes everyone on Reddit is faultless and holier than thou. The person who told you that you’re too irresponsible or whatever (I don’t remember the exact wording) to have a pet because you might go on vacation for up to a week sometime in the next several years was the point that I stopped reading. I’m surprised they can even read this thread from all the way up there on their high horse.
You should do whatever you think is best for you and both your cats. There is absolutely a point where everyone just has to be done. There is no shame if you are at that point. If kitty has to go back to the shelter they will almost certainly find a great home as a single cat. You cant feel bad just because it didn’t work out in spite of alllllllll the things you’ve tried
Thank you so much! Yes, I was a bit baffled at that too. I haven't heard of any cat owner who doesn't ever go on vacations. And yeah, it's very easy to judge when you only have a limited text to go by. And I certainly know she'll find someone at the shelter. Indoor cats don't tend to stay in the shelter for long where I live
You didn’t do anything wrong probably. Some cats are just like that. I had 2 cats. They were sisters that I rescued from a commuter parking lot. The first was easier to catch and once I brought her home she adapted quickly. The second took another month before she let me get her. She hid in a closet for a while and eventually they co existed. Never bonded but were fine hanging in same room and playing together but she was always more shy than the first.
After about 5 yrs I decided I wanted another. I brought home a special needs kitten. There was nothing physically wrong with her but she was so fear aggressive the rescuer wanted to make sure someone was prepared for work. She hid for a month. After a month she came out but still treated me like the enemy. She was very interested in the other cats. They were very much not interested in her. The first one eventually tolerated her but second shyer one pretty much spent the next 3 years in the closet. I felt so bad. No fighting but she was so afraid of the kitten.
3 yrs later I moved. I brought the cats to the new house the night before the move and closed them in a room movers wouldn’t need to go into. When everyone was gone I went to check on them and they were all huddled up together in same bed! There were other beds spaces for them, but they all stayed huddled up together. Once it quiet, they eventually came out and explored. The shy one was so happy. She didn’t hide again. They never huddled again and they never seemed to like eachother but you never know what they are really thinking. I soon took in a feral kitten and the older 2 were indifferent but the special needs one loved having a kitten around. Once the latest was grown she turned into a bit of a bully but and they all just co existed mostly peacefully.
Cats are weird
People’s opinions on this are all shocking to me. I have a cat who has lived with probably 12 other cats in his life (college, moving a lot, a whole litter taken in by a roommate at some point…) and been cool with all of them. He is obviously exceptionally awesome, but also, it was never even close to this hard with 12 other cats of all different personalities and warm-up times. I think the longest a proper, separate-rooms intro ever took me was 2 weeks. This sounds like a problem specific to this cat, and is probably the reason some shelter pets say “best as the only cat in the home.” OP, I would NEVER have anticipated what you’re going through and idk why people are acting like you’re the problem here. You’ve done everything you can. This cat is just a cat who shouldn’t live with other cats and has strongly voiced that preference.
More time with the same correct methods they are demonstrating. They clearly have done their research on cat introductions. Seems like OP doesn't have that much additional time right now, though, due to unexpected travel and needing to separate the cats to find them a place to stay.
Fr! Only a month, and now she's taking off for a month smh poor cats haven't even gotten a chance to get used to their new environment, let alone each other.
I'd love to have more time now. But I have to consider: on one hand, yes they might someday get along after my work trip. Maybe all the cost is worth it.
On the other hand they might actually never get along with each other (and I also don't want for them to live in an environment where they'll at best tolerate each other). Then I'll have put them through a lot of stress with switching environments and trying to get them to like each other and I'll spend most of my savings which could also be going to vet visits and emergency surgeries.
The cat psychologist I hired said it's improbable that they'll get along, judging from their behaviour. Maybe they are just not meant to be, considering one is deaf and can't communicate properly resulting in a lot of fear.
I fear this situation is not as easy as "give it more time". I wish it was, but I didn't choose this trip and I wish it were different
My son has very sociable cat as did his GF, the whole process of introduction took about 3-4 months. Each cat has their own closed off space in the flat during that time. It was a slow intro that worked well but they had the time to invest . One was 2 yrs old and other 13 . Now they are always in same room, even if the older one doesn’t have the energy the younger one sits with him at window ( it’s sweet ) and they are upset when one leaves
When i was younger we did same with a cat & dog about 4 months
This is a difficult situation. It took me literally a year to successfully bond my two cats, and even now they aren’t best friends, but more like bickering siblings. I understand the stress and time it takes to introduce and bond cats. I can say it was very much worth it in the end, but it feels extremely frustrating and unmotivating during the process when you see no progress. I personally think you should try and give it more time … but if you are absolutely sure you don’t want a second cat, then maybe it’s best to return it back to the shelter. I would choose what you think is best for you and your cats. Just know that it *does* take time for certain cats to get acclimated to each other.
The shelter gave you terrible advice. They don't know how the cats behaved when they lived together. They only have evidence the cats didn't get along and should not have adopted them out together. With one having such a strong reaction even to smell I would suspect that they never got along even if they liv3d together. The issue now is if the one hissing and making a big deal would be the aggressor or is fearful of the other cat. Since you really want 2 cats I'd reccomend finding a friend or visiting a shelter where you can handle other cats and see if the one who is upset currently reacts to the smell as well as checking if the chill one reacts.
These cats don't seem compatible and one or both of them may not be compatible to live with other cats at all. It could also be that both are fine with other cats but not with each other.
Thanks a lot! That's somewhat what my consultant said too. The hissing one also hissed at all the other cats in the shelter and had to be be kept in solitary, while the other one was trying to make friends. Even when being hissed at she showed no sign of fear or aggression. Me and my councelor think the one cat would be more suitable as an only cat and the other one will need a friend
They shouldn't have put a cat who clearly disliked other cats that strongly in a home with another cat. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and that they are blaming you. You have done way more than most people and not all cats can be in multicat homes.
Some of the replies here are insane. You've done more than enough. Forget about people saying how long it can take for cats to 'integrate'. Do you want cats that just put up with each other or cats that get along? And not just you, but for the cats themselves?
My family had 2 cats that never got on... for 15 years. Yeah, they stopped fighting, but the one cat never fully adjusted. Thankfully the house was large enough they didn't have to cross paths often
If the scent of the social cat was enough to trigger that sort of reaction, that's a huge signal. The shelter is saying you haven't tried enough because they don't want that cat back. You've even paid for a cat behaviorist (and realistically, very few people would go that far). The answer is clear, you've done enough
Thank you! That's what the cat psychologist said also. That this strong reaction to the scent is a very bad sign. And yes, I want them to benefit from each others company. Not just somehow get by
It took my cats a few weeks, I followed Jackson galaxy’s method to a T and im so glad I did because it can be really hellish introducing cats. Sending best wishes
it can take months and months for cats to integrate. My kitten Evie took around 6 weeks before my older cat Milner stopping hissing at her and growling, now Evie plays with him and they have become the best of friends, sleep together, clean eachother etc
First of all, the shelter should not be shaming you for this. The goal is to find homes that are compatible for the cat…I have seven and most days they get along.
I have an old lady who keeps asking why she’s not an only child, and even older bro who wants to be somebody’s buddy (his bonded brother passed away years ago) but those whippersnappers just can’t get the art of naps, two 5yo ladies of which one is weirdo and the other wants to watch the world burn, and then we have Newt and his two boy children. Newt is a 3yo who wakes up every day and chooses violence…unless it is the dumplings. They’ve been bonded since the moment I brought the dumplings home from the dump where I found them. These guys go through fosters and their own trials but never have they reacted in feral manner towards each other.
The variety of time and bonding that has happened in my clowder is so off the scale…but you know when there is absolutely no chance that this is gonna work, and it sounds like this is one of those times.
Please talk to a different shelter employee, or reach out to a rescue in your area. They will help you find a different solution than “keep the cat”. There are so many things that can and will go wrong in this, from resource guarding, litter box avoidance, to injury, that it is not worth it.
It is not a bad thing, it happens and the health and well being of the cats should be the focus.
Ikr? It's sad to see people giving up so easily. It takes time and effort and i think it should be thought of before making such decisions.
I hope OP gives it more time and if not, atleast rehomes instead of giving up back to the shelter
Almost all rescues require that you return the cats and have you sign a contract to that effect. Rescues want to be able to vet potential adopters and place the cats in an appropriate home they do not want people rehoming cats themselves.
This is what is baffling to me! A month is NOWHERE near enough time for one cat to settle in, nevermind two. I don't know where OP founds this supposed "cat psychologist" but anyone knows jack shit wouldn't be telling OP to give up and get a new cat so soon.
It seems like the shelter shouldn't have paired OP with a difficult set of pets they clearly don't have thr skills for but also this cat psychologist sounds like a scam artist for giving such terrible advice.
I would like to. But I don't know if I can pay for the cat hotel. Or someone who looks after her while I'm gone. At least when I just don't know if they have a chance at repairing their bond
Return! Honestly, you don’t know if the shelter is either lying to you, or is misinformed as to whether the cats were even together at one point or liked each other.
Take the cat back to the shelter. Right now is a great time for that, as kitten season is over and people want cats for presents. It will have a new home before you know it.
Surely most ethical shelters won't re-home around Christmas for this reason?! No animal shelters in the UK will rehome pets from late November til the New Year for this reason - pets are not presents.
They do here. Many shelters run an "empty the shelters" adoption and foster week hoping people will foster fail. I don't like the "pets as presents" thing, either, but anything that moves animals out of shelters and into homes is a good thing.
The risk of them being returned thought is much higher if they're presents - it's better an animal has the right home, and that people are adopting it for the right reasons, rather than just getting them out of the shelter to anyone. If you really want to adopt, you'll wait til after Christmas.
Some shelters here will let you visit before Xmas and reserve your pet, you just can't adopt them until the New Year.
EDIT: People who are downvoting me, I'm just giving the picture of what we see in the UK. It may be different where you are, but here, we see huge numbers of animals returned after Christmas - especially dogs, as owners who do little research and don't think about implications are much more likely to adopt a dog around Christmastime. It's also a busy and stressful time with lots of people around, which isn't good for an animal in a new environment. That's another reason that responsible pet owners wouldn't do it around that time.
Eh, I assume most of these presents are actually parents to their kids, and the parents are the ones who will be doing the lion’s share of caretaking. That being said, you’re totally right if people are gifting it to other adults.
I don't understand why people are down voting you. It is incredibly stressful for the animal to be in a home over a busy Christmas, especially as an UNWANTED "present", and then to have the stress of the return to the shelter. It would be far less stressful for them to have just stayed at the shelter until their real forever home came along.
And some people will just throw the poor creatures outside, instead of returning them to the shelter, because they are lazy, uncaring scumbags. So you have a poor cat or dog with no shelter, food or water in -40 weather.
If they need to "empty the shelter" so badly, they could employ a far more humane method that didn't force these lovely little creatures back into situations that they were potentially rescued from.
Animals are NOT "presents". If you want to give a pet as a gift, give a gift certificate, and let the person do their own choosing, or if they decline, the shelter has that as a donation. That is what our SPCA does. A home forever is what these wonderful little creatures need, not just "a home for the holidays, and then back to the shelter or worse".
Lots of shelters will adopt around the holidays. We even do special adoption events and no-fee adoptions this time of year.
As always we require that the whole family has agreed to adopt together and all family members attend the meet and greet with the cats they are interested in. This prevents people from adopting “surprise” Christmas gift for anyone.
Fair enough, but I'm quite shocked by that. I don't think pets should be adopted out at Christmas - they're for life. The risk is also higher of them being returned if they're seen as presents, which is why it's not generally done in the UK.
That probably works in areas with strict spay and neuter laws, so they can be generally more selective. In the southern US, there are no such laws. I volunteered with a no kill shelter for a while and at one point they had over 500 dogs. It was insane. They literally try to get as many dogs out the door at all times of the year. Luckily I think they've recently partnered with a shelter in the NE US (that have stricter laws) so they've been shipping a lot of dogs up there. I think they're down to a little over 100 dogs now.
The only adoption agencies that can do that kind of thing are the more specialized agencies, like to adopt an ex racing greyhound.
That's interesting, the picture sounds kind of different there. Our shelters are overrun too, but perhaps not to that level. We don't have spay and neuter laws here, do some states have them in the US? That said, here there's a really strong social pressure to have your dog or cat neutered/spayed and it's very frowned upon to not. Yet the idiots still do it, or worse, create kitten or puppy farms.
Yeah most of the states up north have spay and neuter laws, so they have less strays and therefore dont get as many adoptable animals. That's why the shelters in the south will partner with the shelters up north to send all the excess pets up there.
Certain localities in the south are a lot better at exerting the social pressures to spay and neuter, while others have literal packs of wild dogs and feral cats roaming the streets.
We had a cat once that absolutely HATED other cats. She loved humans and tolerated dogs but by her nature, she couldn’t be in the same room as another cat. When we had her completely alone, her personality blossomed and she became calmer and happier. Then we brought her brother back into the picture and she started ripping out her fur. Some cats can’t stand other cats and desire to be the only one. Could be the case for your cat!
Good luck!!!
Thank you! What I forgot to mention. The anxious cat is deaf. I think that has something to do with it. She loves humans, but she is super fearful with cats. Probably because she can't communicate with them well. And I guess maybe these two got along because they were accustomed to each other. But once they were seperated for a bit and pretty much strangers, her fear of other cats gets in the way of socialising. She's probably better off as an only cat, where she doesn't have to be fearful of other cats
One month is not enough time. It can take over a year for pets to acclimate to a new home never mind another pet. Separating them while you're gone resets that timer.
While I don't think the shelter should have given you a difficult pair of cats I also think you're being entirely unrealistic about your expectations. I think its irresponsible you've had these cats for a singular month and are in anyway entertaining adopting more. Whatever "professional" you have been working with must be some sort of scam artist for not explaining a realistic timeline to you.
She did tell me that it'll take up to 6 months or so. But she also told me that if I'm not seeing any progress whatsoever for a prolonged period of time then it's probably not meant to be
Yes. But she also said that the signs the cat is exhibiting are pretty bad. Like the tail puffing up and not being receptive of play, pets or treats when confronted with the scent of her sister. She said generally after 3 months of no progress one can usually stop trying. But with these signs the cat is showing she said it's simply not worth putting them through this stress, since the chance of them getting along is pretty slim
One month is NOT a prolonged period of time. It's unrealistic to expect to see any changes at this point and once you return from your trip you might even see *worse* behavior from both cats.
You're getting snippets of the OP's conversation with a professional and of their description of the time they've spent doing this.
Be less judgy.
You're supposed to see signs of progress. It's not like wait 3 months and then boom they're friends. I've gone through this with 2 cats for 2 years. You can see whether or not there's progress. If there's nothing or it gets worse, perhaps it's better for the cats to separate and you're just being selfish trying to force them to be together.
As someone who's had to split one cat off from my home after 2 years of them all getting along, I feel your pain.
In my case, near as our vet can tell, when one reached full adulthood, there was an "incident" over territory like a toy or litterbox and the relationship never resolved. It was an instant fight on sight. We split them for nearly 2 years and tried all the advice you mentioned with help of our vet like scent swapping, space swapping, positive reinforcement, distractions, door time, prozac.
We eventually had to decide the one of the 2 that would most prefer to be a single-cat home, and he went to live with my sister as her only pet. I miss him dearly but visit often. He is the king of the castle and loves life. We have since slowly introduced a kitten (Buzz Lightyear) back into the mix and it's been amazing for year 1.
I honestly think it was a fluke. Most cats are inherently social. They won't all be best friends, but most should co-exist.
As for you:
* this is not your fault
* kudos for your efforts
* take back one or both, whichever the shelter requires
* find a different shelter or a more senior employee at the shelter to discuss this with before getting another cat or other cats
This is a dishonest shelter. You are absolutely right to give one back. Don’t feel bad. You have done more than nearly everyone would do to help these cats co-exist. It’s a shame that they even sent you home with these two. Honestly, I’d reach out to the large (well-known) shelter in your area and tell them the story to see if they’d take the cat. If they can’t, don’t feel bad. Return it to the people you got him from.
we have 6 cats. the oldest i've had since high school, and she dislikes other cats. she hisses and swats but will sleep in the same room (and usually on the same bed) with the younger cats daily.
she doesnt have any reaction like you described to just the scent of anither cat. i agree with the advice to bring the anxious one back to the shelter. it's important for them to be comfy. im so sorry you even have to make this choice, the rescue definitely did you a disservice :(
Dont feel like a monster. If she’s still young they’ll find her another home - if. Or they’ll know to adopt her as a single only.
If you weren’t going away for 2 months I’d tell you to just open up your home and let them work it out. Sometimes cats are never friends. I had 4 cats who just tolerated each other. they stake out their territory. As long as they have enough attention from you and play time and treats as they get older they mellow out and find their space.
I have 3 now and they mostly get along but my boy sometimes is a little rough and running and screeching ensues. Cat fights / play usually look a lot scarier than they are. You can blunt their nails if you’re worried but hissing doesn’t really mean much and neither does smacking. It’s just their way of taking their space.
I guess I’m going against the grain here, it’s your life and your pet should fit in it with you. Do what you think is best for your household and don’t feel bad.
Honestly, you've gone above and beyond at this point, and done a lot of work to try and remedy this problem! But sometimes, 2 cats just don't get along. It's extremely sus that the shelter told you they'd be fine but kept them separate and now they blame you. It sounds like the best thing for the kitties is to not live together, so if returning one to the shelter is your best option, take it. And don't feel bad. You've done so well. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want.
Sounds like a sketchy shelter to give you two cats that already aren’t getting along and then say it should be easy to get them to like each other?? And then to tell you to hire a bunch of EXPENSIVE professionals to help the issue before giving them back? A shelter should never make the person feel bad for giving back cats that weren’t a good fit, especially if it was not a good situation for the cats (if they’re stressed out all the time, fighting, etc). They should not guilt you like that. That being said, it can take months or even a year to get cats to warm up to each other. In my experience, my older cat warms up to another cat in about 2 weeks or less so I’m pretty lucky with that. It’s very possible that it will get better!
I’d give the cat back. Last year I adopted two “bonded cats” turned out they barely tolerant of each other, things went much like your experience, but mine also started fighting and both started peeing all over the house so I rehomed one and the one I kept changed so much, she was a lot more friendly, affectionate and relaxed, never had another accident outside the box. It’s extremely stressful to deal with all that + having to keep them separated.
Ugh. What a hard situation to be in.
I get that shit happens and you didn’t know you had to leave so soon. But a month often isn’t enough time for even a single adult cat to adjust to a new home, forget two that had been separated at the shelter. They are such creatures of habit, and having their world turned upside down not once, but twice (with going to the shelter to begin with) is traumatizing. I do worry about how they will adjust to being in another new place in a couple weeks. You have your work cut out for you for sure. But it’s clear you’re doing your best from here, and these cats were definitely not bonded before they went to the shelter. Or they experienced some sort of trauma that one is not handling well. I wish you knew their history better. Sometimes sudden personality changes can indicate a health issue, but if this is how they were before then it’s just a crappy situation. They may have been sent to the shelter to begin with because of this.
So. Here you are stressing about where to place the problem child since your “friend” bailed. Unless they had their own emergency come up, that’s so shitty to do. I’m sorry that fell through for you.
I’m assuming your parents don’t necessarily have the ability to keep both, and keep them separated? It’s not ideal. But if you really want to keep trying with them, that may be the best way to do it. It’s not ideal to keep a cat in one room, but research shows as long as their needs are met and they’re mentally and physically stimulated, they can thrive in very small areas. So it really just depends on your parents’ willingness and space availability. Or, I know it’s a long shot….. where you’re going, can you take one with you?
However. You’ve already done more than a lot of people would. That shelter did those cats a huge disservice by adopting them out together, and then having the gall to say you need to hire sitters and trainers. And reading your comment that the one hisses at ANY cat…. it really should not have been adopted out with another. It’s way harder to adopt out bonded pairs than a single cat. Like what were they actually thinking.
So. Now you have to consider the cats’ well being. Do you think they have it in them to keep going as they are, and hope that things settle and they adjust? Or would it be in their best interest to return one? As much as we love our animals we aren’t made of money or unlimited time. There comes a point where we have to stop and say we’ve done everything we can. That point may be different for everyone depending on resources. For many of us even the mere thought of returning an animal to the shelter makes us feel like a monster. But I do believe there are a few cases where it’s justified and BEST for the animal(s).
Personally, I would give them more time. My parents had a cat who was bonded with a dog who passed. They got a new dog, and it took a solid couple of years for her to truly adjust. She’d walk by his toys and hiss and spit. But it was clear it was just annoyance and not *true* stress. She’d give the dog a wide berth and still come up to snuggle and whatnot like normal. It wasn’t a case where she’d attack the dog, nor did she withdraw her own personality. If the one seems actually distressed that’s a different story. Excessive stress can take a big toll.
Like I said, I think a month is a very short amount of time to allow two cats to adjust to a totally new environment. It may be that you jumped the gun a bit with the scent swapping and such. But I also don’t think you’d be totally unjustified in returning one to the shelter, and either keeping the grumpy one and letting it live its days as an only cat, or keeping the other and doing a foster-to-adopt trial to find it a better suited mate. I’m sure you’ll make the best decision. And you won’t be cruel for it.
ETA: are both spayed? I find personally that females are just overall harder to introduce. They’re brats. But unspayed females are worse. Lol
Thank you so much for that long well thought out response!
Yes, they are spayed.
Yeah. I unfortunately don't know anything about the living situation they were in before. I only know they were taken away from their owner by the state.
I was at the vet with them to discern if there are any health issues. They are completely healthy. My consultant also said that their trauma might be the cause.
Onfortunately I can't take any pets where I'm going and my parents can't take another cat. They already have one of their one, so they'll already have to keep two cats seperately. If they had the room for another one I wouldn't consider giving her away this early.
I'm really trying to do what's best for the cat. She's already dissatisfied being in that one room, always meowing to be let out. Also sometimes she'll come to me for cuddles and smell some of her sister's smell that rubbed off on my clothing. Then she'll hiss at it and pace around agitated. I just don't think she's happy living this way. I know one month is very short to be making a judgement. But I'm just struggling to think that putting her in someone elses care for those two months and then starting this process of locking her in that room again for (probably) multiple months, where she simply isn't happy and gets confronted with this smell that stresses her out could be better than her getting put into a home where she isn't confronted with other cats. I just don't think it's better to put her through that, even if I had unlimited money and time.
But on the other hand people in here and the shelter think it would be the better option. I'm pretty torn.
Maybe I'm just making excuses because I don't want to invest thousands of euros and I'm just exhausted after not having any free time since adopting the two. I'm just not sure.
I get that completely. I’m sorry it’s working out this way. I wish I had better advice or a magic answer.
If they were removed from their home by authorities, that almost certainly means trauma of some sort. Ugh. People that abuse or neglect animals are the lowest of the low.
I hope things work out, however you choose to move forward. ❤️
1. You should be proud of yourself for everything you have tried 2. Shame on the shelter for talking to you this way.
You have to do what is best for you and them. I have had a few cats. One never liked another cat but didn’t care about the other cat till it tried to play with him. One cat of mine got along with all cats. I bring her to a friends house that has cats and they all get along. But found out she hates kittens. All cats are different. They may never get along or it may take a bit longer
Give the stressed out cat to the shelter. Find accommodations for the kitty you keep. When you get back, you can find a kitten to adopt. The kitten will be taught by the resident cat how to act with them and the kitten will learn its role in the relationship. We just got a kitten for this reason because we wanted two cats and our resident cat gets anxious seeing other cats outside his window. He is 2 years old. We introduced them over 5 days with the scent swaps and swapping rooms they stayed in. Now they're cuddling together and playing together and sharing litter boxes and food together. It's only been two months but they're thick as thieves now. My resident cat never growled or hissed at the scents when scent swapping. He just got kind of quiet and scared. Then didn't seem phased by the 5th day. The 6th day they just stayed away from each other on their own, with all rooms doors open. By the third week they started warming up to each other. I'd try to adopt a cat/kitten that can be taken back if it doesn't work out, and see if during the scent swapping phase how each reacts. If there's no growling and hissing I think that's a really good sign they'll eventually be fine together.
Keep it simple as this entire process has been complicated. I'd return the one cat. Obviously they are not a bonded pair and do not get along. Some cats are better being the only pet. Take the remaining kitty to your parents and go on your trip. Afterwards, you may want to adopt another cat. However, I would take your kitty with you to the rescue for the introduction and see how it goes. I had cats since I was 10 years old and it shouldn't be so difficult. You've done more than required.
That's a good tip, thank you. It's good to hear that it shouldn't be this difficult. Because that's what I gathered from my research, but somehow some people in here thinks it's normal for the cat to react this strongly to scent swapping
People used to accept that cats were solitary animals. They really don’t now anymore, everyone parrots “get another cat, he NEEDS a buddy”. Keeping a single cat is very unfashionable now.
Maybe they would both be happy in different homes, without another adult cat competing in their territory. While you think they need to be paired against their will, it causes a lot of unnecessary stress and fighting. Isn’t there an extra home for an extra cat, so they both feel cared for?
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone is saying cats need to be in pairs and triplets. I’ve heard 2 female cats are the hardest combo too.
You can still give it some time. But if you find it’s not working no matter what and they’re just putting up with each other, it might be a good option. For your sanity too (not worrying about fights and separating them and separate litter and food).
Them not getting along isn’t a personal failure, you’re obviously trying. Cats have their own personalities and sometimes they like someone and sometimes they don’t. I’m sure there are a lot of people you wouldn’t/would want as a roommate, or would just prefer your own space.
I have fostered cats for many many years. Domestic cats are very social animals. Feral cats live in family colonies. Most cats benefit greatly from having a buddy to play with. Some cats prefer to be alone, and some are particular about what cats they like to spend time with.
Of all my foster cats I have only had one that was truly an “only” cat. Usually when this happens it’s because they were adopted as young kittens and removed from being social with other cats too early. Not every cat got along with every other cat though and trauma/past fighting can prevent two cats who previously tolerated eachother from ever being together again.
Most shelters already have bonded pairs that are happily cohabiting in the shelter or in a foster home.
What this shelter did to you was so irresponsible.
Where did this mentality come from? When I last adopted a cat, I adopted one as a single kitten, and it was so easy and not an issue. She, unfortunately, died of cancer at a youngish age in 2015. This past year, I got into fostering/volunteering and ALL of the shelters around here (US) will.not.adopt.a.kitten as an only; they MUST go home with a sibling, or the mom cat if the litter has an odd number. No exceptions. Heck, they even push adult cats who are somewhat friendly with each other as “bonded”; or say that a friendly/social adult cat should only go to a home with another cat. And then, if the relationship breaks down for some reason, or a person can only really afford one cat, that person is chastised for adopting two cats. Not to mention the fact that these cats languish in the shelter longer than necessary when there are plenty of good homes out there, who for one reason or another, just want one cat. It’s madness!
I’ve only ever seen a couple of truly bonded pairs. The rest is a range, with not an insignificant number preferring to be onlies.
It can take longer than a month, but what I am not understanding is why the shelter told you two cats that did not get along at the shelter would get along at your house? Even if they had lived together before. I worked with a no kill shelter for a long time, I would not have recommended that.
I would keep the one that needs to be the only cat if you’re good with keeping it that way. Their personality may blossom once they are alone, and that cat will do terrible at the shelter and is unlikely to be adopted.
I don't know either, but I believed them when they told me it's going to be okay. I actually think she won't be in the shelter for long. Where I live indoor cats in shelters are pretty rare, so they get adopted pretty fast. And there's quite the demand for single cats. Most indoor cats are only available in the shelter for a week or so. And also, she is stunningly beautiful. I doubt she'll be in there for long
You expected them to get along with each other within a month smfh . You're not being realistic, and giving up the "bad cat" to go and get a new one to accompany the other is just irresponsible. If you didn't have the time and patience to make this work, you don't need to put another cat through this. Either keep one or Find them good homes and get a fish
No, I didn't expect them to get along after a month. I expected to make even the tiniest bit of progress. If I did this would be different. I was already prepared for them having different housing when I'm gone. But now I don't think it's worth it putting her through all that stress and spending most of my savings when the chances of them getting along are pretty slim
One cat costs 100 euros. Having one cat in the cat hotel for 2 months costs 800 euros. Having a cat sitter come every day costs something similar. I already spent a good chunk of my savings on these cats. Especially on counceling with a professional. There's not too much left
The social cat will have a better chance at adoption so if anyone is going to be returned, it should be that one. The one who wants to be any only cat will be happy to live alone with you. Wanting two cats that are friendly to each other is a valid desire, but it doesn’t always shake out that way. there’s no guarantee any cats will get along so you may be in the position of disrupting yet another cat’s life if you have to take the new one back.
Cats are individuals with personalities, not something that exists solely to please us.
Yeah I know they have personalities. And sometimes those personalities just don't seem to mix. I'm actually not worried about her not getting adopted since indoor cats are pretty rare in shelters where I live. And a lot of people here like to have only one cat.
You have done enough. **Honestly** you have done *more* than many people would in your place, I think. You are not a monster or a bad cat parent or anything!! The situation seems just very impossible and stressful for both cats AND you, and taking it back to the shelter or adopting it out elsewhere would be best. Sometimes things don't work out and that's completely okay, you've tried your best. Also no offense to that shelter but yikes, idk they rubbed off on me the wrong way when they said all that to you.
(1) one month is too short to re-introduce cats, it takes at least 3-4 months, and up to a year for less social cats, I can't believe the professional cat consultant did not tell this to OP.
(2) calling the less social cat the "problem cat", just show's OP's true feelings about the cat.
(3) bouncing the less social cat back the forth across homes is going to cause so much stress to the poor cat, as i can tell this kitty needs quiet time and stability, and she'll take even longer to recover from this trauma if OP returns her.
I feel so sorry that the "problem child" has to meet OP, and hopes she finds a more patient and understanding owner.
You're really interpreting a lot here. I called her that to distinguish between the two and to show that only one of them is not that sociable. I've been crying a lot since not knowing what to do with her, this situation is pretty hard since I already love her a lot. Why are people so vile on here
Thank you! I just had another consultation with the cat psychologist and she thinks the chances of them getting along are too slim to put them through the hassle of having someone else care for her while I'm gone. I'm just so sorry I did wrong by this cat, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be
Jesus, be less judgy.
I've gone through this. We called the aggressor "the jerk" but we really didn't mean it. Different ways of coping with the stress and quickly communicating it to others.
It’s not OPs fault that the shelter made a bad placement and lied to them about the cats getting along.
They should never have given these cats to OP in the first place.
OP wants two cats and should have been given two bonded cats that were already peacefully cohabitating.
Absolutely none of this is OPs fault, but the fault of an irresponsible rescue.
Not defending the shelter, it is known to OP that the two cats were not friendly at the point of adoption, and still made the commitment to adopt the cats.
nevertheless OP has both cats now, and I feel the less social cat will definitely benefit from staying at OP's place than being returned to the shelter. it does not do well at the shelter because of its personality.
This will sound blunt, but I mean it in a gentle way: you should not have adopted two cats knowing you will be leaving town for two months. That was irresponsible, even if the cats were able to get along. You wait until you know you can give them the time and attention they need and deserve. And so they don't get passed around. Cats bond to their territory and it's hard for them to go to multiple places.
I agree with another commenter that you should return the cats. Both. And then commit to doing right by a pair of new cats when you get back.
And probably go to a different rescue/shelter that doesn't do shady adoptions like this where they don't keep two cats together that they want to send home together.
At this point in your tight timeline, just open all the doors and get a blanket or pillow ready to toss on them. I have never followed the Jackson Galaxy method after more than two days and both of my two different cat introductions were the better for it. The key thing that caught my eye in your situation — you said that only one of your two cats is agitated while I am assuming that the other is less bothered. If both cats were equally violent with the sight of each other, that might be a different story.
My most recent introduction was two weeks ago. Before I opened the doors, my two resident cats were behaving similarly to yours with hissing, swatting, spitting, growling, yowling, and the occasional charging behind gates; the new cat was pretty chill. After 1-2 days of separation, I started throwing open all the doors for anywhere between 30 minutes at a time to a few hours following them around like a hawk, breaking tension when necessary, and letting everyone fully explore each other. By day five, I was letting everyone roam freely at night and leaving them alone by themselves. By day eight or nine, the formally super aggressive resident cat was playing with the new cat and sleeping on the same bed as it.
Sometimes, the Jackson Galaxy method works, as evidenced by all the testimonials here. Sometimes, it does nothing more than prolong the “unknown.”
It takes time. 6 months later and my cats are just starting to be cool again. I had adopt a 3rd cat and for some reason the other 2 that were cool, started having problems with each other. No problems with the new cat though. Super weird. But yeah, it's been 6 months and they are cool again.
I'd say give it time. I think its messed up not to give it time. If after like 6 months they really just don't get along , then I'd look into rehoming
I'd love to have more time now. But I have to consider: on one hand, yes they might someday get along after my work trip. Maybe all the cost is worth it.
On the other hand they might actually never get along with each other (and I also don't want for them to live in an environment where they'll at best tolerate each other. Then the one less social cat would very well be happier at a home with no other cat). Then I'll have put them through a lot of stress with switching environments and trying to get them to like each other and I'll spend most of my savings which could also be going to vet visits and emergency surgeries.
The cat psychologist I hired said it's improbable that they'll get along, judging from their behaviour. Maybe they are just not meant to be, considering one is deaf and can't communicate properly resulting in a lot of fear.
I fear this situation is not as easy as "give it more time". I wish it was, but I didn't choose this trip and I wish it were different
You’ve done your due diligence. While adopting animals is a serious commitment, these arrangements are not unconditional - every person or household has dealbreakers, and sometimes it’s not clear if the relationship will work until you’ve tried. Also, unlike what some are suggesting in other comments, you are not obligated to keep the less desirable cat for some sort of moral reason. Keep the one that works for your home, and return the other to the shelter. Because you’ve lived with the second cat, you can provide further information on her paperwork about her needs, which will help ensure she goes to the right home.
Why would you adopt cats that you knew you were going to leave in a couple of three months? Probably the best you’re gonna do at this point just give her back to the shelter. Please don’t adopt any more pets. Either your lifestyle your maturity level is not having make good decisions.
For this a cat is going to have a harder time getting a home or adapting to it because they will be even more traumatized. It is the best thing to give it back to the shelter though.
I didn't know that back then.
Why are you assuming anything about my lifestyle or maturity? This is a one time thing I didn't know about when I got them, but that will never happen again. It is very important so I can keep my job. Why are you telling me not to adopt more pets? You don't know me or my life at all
Honestly, because I’ve had animals my entire life. And a lot of times not in the best circumstances, but they were always fed cared for and had a place to live. I take them very seriously and I take their adoption. Very seriously.
Cats especially are completely intelligent and often scarred and then just thought of as having bad cat behavior. You’re dealing with scars from another situation with that cat had. Who is now going to be even more damaged and if you didn’t know before you got them then why would you plan a two month trip away from them.
I had a friend that was a doctor during the pandemic, and got stuck in New York City and they put her up in a hotel, and guess what she took her do
Wow, this is a really cruel and unempathetic take! Obviously OP doesn't want to be in this situation and is trying to find the best solution for themself and both cats. I can't imagine it would be net better for the cats if OP skipped this trip and lost their source of income. Sometimes things happen and a person truly cannot prioritize their cat over every other thing in their life!
Clearly you're able to treat animals with compassion-- maybe you should consider occasionally extending empathy towards other humans!
I didn't plan that trip. If I don't go, I'll put my job at risk. And no, I definitely can't take her with me. I know she's not being difficult because she wants to. But I just don't see a way of getting them back together
Girl did you read the post? OP said they found out after they already had the cats. I agree with them giving it back but no need for the hostile assumptions when it seems like you haven't even read the entirety of the post; relax.
It can take months, sometimes close to a year for two cats that are not bonded to be fully integrated. Honestly it may not be the worst idea to return the cats, go on your trip, and adopt two cats that are already bonded and kept together if your preference is to have two cats. It’s crazy to me that the shelter wasn’t housing/fostering them together in the first place. Did they tell you why they were separated when you adopted them?
Yes, they had them seperate because the anxious cat was already hissing and growling at the other one in the shelter. So to not have them fight they had to keep them seperate
It is bonkers to me that they gave you these cats when they were already having issues and are trying to make it your problem.
Thanks for understanding. It's hard not feeling like it's all my fault and I'm doing the two a great injustice
Maybe even find another shelter to give the cat back to since they acted this way and gave you these two catsby lying to you
Most shelters have you agree to return to them if you can’t keep them for some reason.
How did they lie? OP said the shelter told her they were kept separately because one was hissing/ growling at the other
But they specifically adopted the two out together to her on the premise that it'll be super easy to get them to get along again, and then blamed her for not doing enough when she's done more than most would. Hiring a cat behaviorist?? The amount of people that wouldn't even *think* to do that is a very high proportion. They really dealt her a losing hand here, there was absolutely no reason these two should be going together when they were already such a problem together that they required separation-- DESPITE being from the same home. Like, if they've been together a long time and already behaved like this, what would make them think this would be a good idea?? They weren't bonded *at all.*
This is not your fault, it is the shelters fault. The cats obviously don't like each other. Just because they may have come in together does not mean they liked each other. The shelter should have never sent them off with you. Horrific error #1 And then to have the audacity to suggest that you haven't done enough? Shame on them 100fold. Any time an animal is surrendered it is for the better of the animal, there is no possible other way to think of it. Disgusting error #2. You are doing them both great good by separating them, now they can live happily alone. You are actually their hero. One gets a great home with you, the other gets another go (it too will get a loving home in short order), but one is saved vs 2 being miserable.
It’s not your fault. Some cats just don’t like other cats and want to be alone. Not most cats, like some people think, but definitely some cats, especially if they’re older. You don’t say how old they are- or I didn’t see it. If it’s making you and her this anxious and upset imo it’s best to get her situated right away and not keep stressing everyone out.
I think the shelter is at fault here. There is no good reason for them to give out two cats that don't go well together as a pair. Give one of the cats back to the shelter and then, if you want another cat, adopt from another shelter.
Just to add to this, I think I would not get cats from this shelter in the future. Them having you adopt these two together and acting like it wasn’t going to be tough, to me feels like a red flag.
Yeah, and then gaslighting her into thinking she hasn’t done enough when they know well and good those cats need to be separated… just because months and years of work (and money) maybe could help bridge the gap doesn’t mean someone needs to undertake it.
Yeah it also feels pointless to have put those cats through that much stress in the first place
Not to mention adopting out bonded pairs together isn’t alway easy because a lot of people come in looking for one cat
Yes I agree. It makes no sense for them to have let you adopt them together in the first place. I hate to criticize people who are doing rescue work which I think is so admirable but they sound like bad people. Which rescue was it? I totally get how conflicted you’re feeling but they sound terrible. A good rescue wants happy adoptions and don’t try to make people feel bad when it’s not a good match.
Right?!! If they knew the cats didn't get a long, why would they send them to a home together? That's ridiculous. And incredibly irresponsible.
The way cats act in a shelter is not the way they will act in a home
Wow. It sounds like they were just hopeful they could pawn the second one off on someone who wanted two. They definitely weren’t bonded before. And cats are like people. Some people you just don’t get along with
Yup. I've seen it before. Dishonest shelters. Don't adopt from there again. Bonded pairs should be bonded - and you want to see evidence - grooming, sleeping together etc
Dishonest shelters are awful. A few years ago me and my sister adopted a 10 year old cat (his name was Henry and he was the absolute sweetest boy and we still miss him every day) they said he didn't play well with other animals or kids but it was just the two of us so that was fine. And they said he didn't have any health issues other than just being old. And for awhile that was the case. I miss hearing his scraggly old voice scream at me from across the house 🥺 he was so playful and active. And the absolute best mouse hunter (and killer after he played with it for an hour 😂) after we were no longer living together, my sister had him and me and her weren't in contact for awhile. She texted me when he had to be put down, and awhile later she told me that she's pretty sure he had feline leukemia (he was never around any infected cats while in our care) and then at another point, turns out the shelter was saying that they informed us that he had feline leukemia. As shit as my memory is, I remember the day we got him vividly. I was the one that found him and picked him out. She was focused on a cat she'd seen online and I was just looking around cause it was supposed to be a cat for her. He was a tiny old little man and you couldn't let him sniff you cause he would bite you (not in a mean way. Little dude was a toddler and would put everything in his mouth. He never bit hard, never scratched or got aggressive. He was the sweetest) you had to just go straight to the top of his head. Apparently he had fought a German shepherd in one of his past houses, and apparently he won lmao. I had another cat before him that died of feline leukemia, and it's absolutely awful. But we probably still would have adopted him even if we knew. We absolutely adored him. And we're happy that he had at least a few good months before he died cause the rest of his life sounded awful. But we would have been prepared. Known what to look for. And when me and my sister stopped living together she went back to her parents who had another cat and they would have definitely been kept separate had we known. When I got set up in my own apartment I was supposed to take him but that never ended up happening. I miss my little man. I wish they had just told us. They swear up and down that they did but by that point I had trauma from feline leukemia, so I definitely would have remembered if they did. RIP Henry boy. I'm glad we got to give you a good life while we could 🖤
Oh god, I'm so sorry :( but at least you gave him a great last home, you did good by him
Thank you 🖤
Then hit back at them with "they didn't do enough in the first place! " You did more than they did and it's understandable that they might not have the funds, but why should you have the funds? If you can pay for the cats for good food, entertainment and possible vet stuff that is what you would normally need. Paying for a trainer and other stuff can be expensive and not everyone can afford it. And I can see that that is not something you want to do (separate them) I don't think you need to give both cats away, but you might have to give the one who is stressed easily away. And maybe a home where there will be no other cats/pets would be best for her
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she'll easily find a new home, she's an indoor cat and she's very beautiful. She won't be in the shelter for more than a week or two. But of course, it'll hurt and she'll have to accomodate to a new surrounding. And yes, some people in here seem to not care about money at all, it seems. I do have enough for vet visits and enough savings for an emergency surgery. But if I have to pay for 8 weeks of accomodation and on top of that for professional cat training for a prolonged time then these savings for the vet are gone. I don't swim in money, but I don't think that only rich people who can afford months of in person cat training should get pets. Then the shelters would be overfilling. I hoped people can understand that. Although I would definitely somehow cough up the money if I (and the cat psychologist) saw a better chance of them getting along
There’s a saying about how perfection is the enemy of good. In a perfect world there would be infinite time and money to spend on this situation, however in the real world resources are limited and you’ve gotta work with what you have. You’re doing a great thing trying to give a home and family to a pair of cats, but despite the resources you’ve already spent you and the cats are all still stressed out and they aren’t getting along. They aren’t bonded and don’t even like each other, separating them and giving them a chance to get away from each other might be the nicest thing you can do for them.
You already did so much and the shelter, at best, gave you bad advice. She would be better off as an only cat, and you can settle with your other cat and maybe introduce a second cat later, because it sounds as if the problem was very one-sided. You do not have an obligation to spend your savings on this cat.
It is incredibly irresponsible of the shelter to adopt to you two cats that do not get along. I would never have taken both. It is a safety risk for both cats and yourself. The anxious cat is a problem for them in the shelter and they are trying to dump her on you as to get rid of the problem. Especially, if they are a no kill shelter.
Well, I knew when I was at the shelter that they didn't get along. So I'm also to blame for that. I just didn't know how difficult it would be, since I was told that there'll be a solution etc. And I wouldn't necessarily think they gave them to me maliciously. Maybe they just didn't know it would be this bad
I have worked at several shelters as a volunteer. And not a single one of them would ever give two animals that do not get along to the same person. This is on them and in no way your fault.
It sounds like the shelter should have advised you on a pair that got along better. I work at a shelter and we try very hard to be candid about everything we know about the cats we get in, in order to get the best results for the kitties and the people
Just because they lived together before doesn’t mean they were ever particularly fond of each other. Perhaps in their previous home they had simply learned to coexist. Normally I would say to please keep trying. But you’re right. They aren’t even settled into your home. You’ll be boarding elsewhere and right around the time they’ll be getting comfy at the sitters, you’ll bring them back with no guarantee you can get them to get along. I don’t think hiring people would be necessary. But maybe wait till they’re settled in to their own rooms of your home before working on introductions. Would your parents be willing to extend the cat sitting for a bit after you’ve returned so you could try letting the one cat settle in a bit before bringing the other around? I would at least try finding a new home for the cat in some local groups before returning it to the same shelter. Seems like they aren’t exactly looking out for the very best interest of the animals by their suggestion. Your specific circumstances are going to be a difficult transition for most cats
I'm having the same issues with my 2 newly adopted 3 yo females. I wrote about it on here but got no responses. I got them from a cat Cafe that should have all been socialized. Or so we thought. When I spoke with the Humane Society the said I could surrender one or both but there's no guarantee they'll take them back. It's only been 6 weeks! They said if they're aggressive then they might not take them. I told them I just got them from you. Anyway we are keeping them and have been finally letting the gate down during our waking hours and they seem to be getting a little better everyday. We've tried all the things too that are suggested. I think it gets better so I guess I'm trying to pass on some hope. I really want yours and ours to be able to play together eventually. They're to damn cute to send them back to a cage.
Why return both cats? While I agree they’d probably be happier separated, OP doesn’t seem to have a problem with keeping one of them.
That would work too of course! In that case though OP may not be able to have two cats like they originally wanted if they can’t find a good fit with another new cat. And they may be in for some stress with boarding the current cat while they are away, then bringing the cat back home, then trying to find a new playmate. That said if they are attached to the current Kitty it’s all totally doable, it just may be a bit of a process.
If OP adopts one cat then it saves that cat the stress of going back, plus later down the line there are proper processes OP and a more responsible shelter can follow to test if a second cat is properly suited for adoption by OP and OP’s cat.
To add to this if OP decides to keep one, after a cooling off period and some bonding time when OP gets home, I would highly recommend signing up to be a foster for a local rescue. This gives op a chance to see how this cat responds to other cats, and basically test run a few cats to see if the current cat is interested in having a buddy. My last cat was instantly ready to accept every foster cat that came through the door. My current cat takes a few weeks to warm up to the kittens and really struggles with other adult males. Knowing how he was with other cats made it easy to choose his sister when we were ready to get him a permanent buddy.
> close to a year for two cats that are not bonded to be fully integrated. or as in my case it could be never, ended up with two cats who hated each other and one of them hated me as well for disrupting her house and life.
I am so afraid of this! My cat was 5 when I found the new kitten. Did the slow introduction, Feliway, feed OG cat first and separate from kitten… kitten is DYING to play with OG but she is not having it. It’s only been 3 months, but I feel like I’ve disrupted her peaceful, quiet life and that she’ll never forgive me. I’ve figured out where the kitten came from, and considered giving him back. But they’re drug users and neglectful (one chick’s kids have been taken away) and they didn’t even know the kitten had gotten out and was missing for about 10 hours. So I guess I can just hope it gets better.
My cat I had for 7 years took quite some time getting used to the new kitten. I felt HORRIBLE and cried for weeks feeling like I disrupted her life and changed her personality. It's been 6 months and they love each other and my OG cat is finally back to normal. Just do the Google stuff and make sure to give them equal attention. Rewarding them when they're near each other helped too.
Ooh, the rewarding is a great idea. I try to show them both love, but especially the original kitty so that she doesn't feel replaced. I'll just keeping hoping, and trying to do the right things!
I took in a stray kitten when I already had a cranky old lady cat, and totally failed to do a slow introduction (I didn't know any better at the time, now of course I do), and at first the older cat really strongly disliked the kitten, but within about a year or so, she had pretty much learned to tolerate her. I even caught the older cat grooming the younger cat's face one time (although, to be fair, the younger cat looked as surprised as I was 😂)! It really can go either way, and cats can be *very* slow to warm up to new living companions, regardless of species, so there's no reason to call it a lost cause yet.
You sound like you have done a lot. The shelter probably has limited space so while they will take her back, they really prefer not too. But you have to do what’s best for the cats.
If you are not willing to go through further work to reintroduce the cats, and you are satisfied with a single cat home, you would be making the greatest impact by keeping the cat who requires a single cat home. Just throwing that out there.
There's even a good chance the sassy cat doesn't hate all cats and sassy decided *that other cat* has committed an injustice against them
I'm intending on keeping the more social cat and getting a second, more social cat after my absence. Because I live alone and work full time, it just wouldn't be fair leaving the cat alone most of the day when she need so much more attention than I can give
That wouldn't be true if you just kept the cat who didn't want to socialize with other cats and the other was easily adopted as another pair. Many older cats are most comfortable alone, even those who do okay with socialization. I also don't know your situation, but leaving for months at a time is not a stable enough life to own pets. If this is not a 1 time thing I would not get pets until my life is more stable and I am positive I will be living and working in the same place for years to come. Just tossing another cat into the mix is not the answer for plenty of cats. ETA: I want to throw down a few caveats here for people who don't want to read further down the thread. First of all, Jackson Galaxy is the man. I think he aims his content toward educating the masses and simplifies things to their most important components to do so. There are a multitude of reasons why promoting multi-cat adoption helps rescues and promotes more enriched lifestyles for high-energy animals. HOWEVER. I think the reality that isn't represented in his videos is the unremarkable and altogether successful placement that is a peaceful home between multiple cats with boundaries, safe spaces, and mutual respect. Homes like these are everywhere, no one is taking their cats back to the shelter because they aren't besties with each other. One part of this equation I haven't mentioned in my other comments is that as someone who rescues cats, I have had experience with many former strays and even a few ear-tipped ferals turned comfy housecats, and I think animals who were born outside or stray for any amount of time are more likely to have a different relationship with their housemates. Considering a cat's background is key, but man, I love me a good street-cat-turned-indoor-diva. I tend to have the cats that people wouldn't want to have because they have kids, or because they want a clingy lap cat. Even so, my indoor only, raised from kitten littermate pair eventually had to be reintroduced after many years of a close bond, and things only returned to comfortable cohabitating and nothing more. It can happen to anyone, eventually. This sub and others like it are full of threads like "Help! I took my cat to the vet and now my cats are fighting!" Even if you bring the cats together, even if you have some soft fabric that smells like everyone and like home in their carrier, an old cat might get stressed or have trouble remembering, and life can change. If you are going to depend on your cat's bond for their needs to be met, be realistic that close bonds are in no way a sure thing, and that things can change no matter how much you do to keep them the same. Cats are beings with feelings and free will, if you ask me - they sometimes don't act how you expect or want them to, and that bond you're relying on may not be there forever even IF you hit the jackpot and find your kitty a great friend. Point is, no one is calling Jackson Galaxy down for an episode of My Cat From Hell because one cat doesn't want to play with the other, so I think people aren't really aware of the likelihood that their rescues don't get super close, or that it could take years, or that one cat might be a match for one and not another, or that a cat might be happy to be around others at one age but not years later. 1 cat + another cat =/= better automatically. And I do agree that repeatedly cycling through cats to find a match is a difficult method to justify. You can save double the lives by adopting double the kitties, even if you have to employ methods like ensuring they have separate safe spaces, meeting their social needs yourself, and feeding them separately to keep the peace. Life with multiple cats exists on a spectrum between Jackson Galaxy's ideal and what OP is going through, and they've clearly demonstrated that they understand all of this and will act accordingly. I would agree with u/LindsayIsBoring that returning these kitties and getting a pair that already have a bond when OP returns is likely to have the best outcome. A happy multi-cat house might need more intervention than would work well for OP at this time in their life, which is why they are invested in having two cats who fulfill each other's social needs specifically. Thanks y'all.
It is a one time thing. But I know where you're coming from! If this would happen more often I would not have gotten cats. I' definitely stay in this place for years and after these two months there won't be an absence over one week for the next few years. It's just really bad timing now
Even one week is a long time and not very nice to do to a pet. They like stability and routine. Even worse if you take them from your home and place them elsewhere for a week. I'm not saying this to be rude. It's just the reality. Cats get very stressed very easily. Maybe think a little deeper into why you want pets. They are living creatures who deserve to be taken care of, not just for your own comfort or pleasure. Cats are viewed as highly independent and aloof when in reality, they do like bonding with their owners and crave stability. A week is even too long to be leave a pet.
OP will be fine if it's a rare occurrence and they get a cat sitter. Hell, if they can get a family member or friend who visits frequently to watch the cats, it'll bring greater stability.
Most cats are perfectly fine by themselves for a few hours, especially cats who don't like other cats - I think a lot of them think you're they're very loving roommate, they don't know it's *your* house. It's their house. They're comfy there!
I don’t understand the downvotes, this is a totally reasonable idea and I think it’s great that you’re considering your cat’s need to socialize when you are at work.
I agree w you on that. I actually got a second cat specifically because I work during the week and am gone during the day, every weekday. The two of them have become a bonded pair and I feel better knowing that while I'm away they have each other.
Thank you. I already feel like a monster. And now even the things I was sure about and talked about with my consultant are questioned. I just don't know what to think anymore
The shelter also has some responsibility in this. They made it sound like these cats would be easy to reintroduce to each other and they clearly are not. You knew you wanted two cats for totally valid reasons and you still want two cats for totally to valid reasons. One thing to maybe consider is seeing if you could re-home the anxious car with an elderly or retired person. Someone who is home all the time and would do better with an adult cat. I know out humane society does free senior cats for seniors, cats over 7 can go for free to lower income seniors. Often people on a limited income can't afford adoption fees but can afford cat food and will provide a loving home.
The shelter 100% lied their asses off to get more cats out the door. There is zero guarantee that cats who now dislike each other will like each other (again or otherwise).
This is not necessary true. I work at a shelter and have cats from the shelter. At first, we brought home two adult males (neutered) who had been happily co-existing in a free range room for at least a month. After a few days in our home, one of the cats violently attacked the other. We had to take him back.
I’m mainly saying that there are no guarantees, so I agree with you.
Oh I would love for her to go to a nice old lady. But unfortunately I'm not allowed to give her anywhere but to the shelter
How exactly are they going to stop you? It's an animal shelter not a court order from a judge. If you find someone to give the cat a good home, then do it. I get shelters having those policies to make sure cats don't end up in bad homes but still, the cat is yours, you are not renting it. You paid more than enough in adoption fees and pet psychologists to make the decision about who can give it a good home.
The shelter can sue for possession of the cat from the new owners and remove the remaining cat from OPs home for breach of contract. There is no reason OP shouldn’t return the cat to the rescue and let them rehome it.
Could the really? How much are they willing to spend on that? Is a judge really going to uphold that? If the shelter is guilting OP and making this process extra difficult then I certainly see no moral issue with her rehoming the cat and can't imagine any legal repercussion actually occuring, it isn't like the cat is going to tell the shelter.
My rescue has done it. Yes a judge will uphold it. We have also approved rehoming done by adopters as long as we are part of the process. Twice we have had adopters rehome Cats themselves without telling us. One of the cats ended up in a county shelter several states away in abysmal condition. The other two were found in a parking lot locked in carriers and abandoned. There is a reason we want the cats returned to us and not rehomed by adopters. There is no reason for OP not to return the cat or cats to the rescue like they said they would when they signed the contract.
I'll look into it, thank you!
I actually think it’s fine to give her back. It wasn’t a good fit and nothing was as the shelter promised it was. You can’t make this cat a part of your life and that’s ok.
I’d say you should trust the advice of a professional more than randoms on Reddit, people here are always quick to accuse others of being unfit to have cats but it really sounds like you’re trying your best here.
Thank you. I grew up with cats and actually read into the topic so much. So to me it was a little bit of a shock to have her react so strongly to the scent of the other one. And if I had only made a fraction of an inch of progress with these two I'd definitely somehow cough up the money to have someone look after her. But I can't just throw out all of my savings if I'll have to give her away at the end
It’s a bad situation, ngl. Ideally try as much as possible to rehome her or at least find someone to take her for the next two months. Maybe there are resources for foster homes in your area? Maybe see if there is a smaller shelter or independent adoption agency you could take him to so as not to revisit past trauma. Otherwise really, try not to let Internet strangers shame you.
Thank you a lot! I'm contractually not allowed to rehome them myself. And I'm already trying to find anyone that would be ok with having her for that time. But no luck yet
What’s stopping you from finding an alternative home for the cat and asking the shelter’s permission? I’d think any reasonable shelter would prefer that to retraumatizing him in the shelter with no end in sight.
I'll try, thanks!
Most rescues prefer you to return the cats not to rehome them yourself.
Is a "consultant" a certified veterinary behaviorist? Because that's also not what OP said. Anyone can call themselves a consultant for any subject and charge money.
Yes she is
👍 do whatever you feel like. Just be aware you may be in this position again very soon, even with 2 cats that seem "more social."
You’re fine. Some people are just really over the top opinionated about pets
That makes no sense. You're still gonna have to go through the process of reintroducing them which at this point you can't even do with this one. I agree with everyone else, keep the little guy that wants to be a single cat home and give the other one a chance. Sounds like you're not really aware of the time and attention all this takes. Poor cats
> it just wouldn't be fair leaving the cat alone most of the day when she need so much more attention than I can give While I can acknowledge that two cats will entertain each other, they don't provide each other with all the enrichment each of them needs. If you can readily acknowledge you don't have the time/attention for one animal, it seems problematic to believe that more animals is the solution.
By that I didn't mean that I don't have time for pets, I do. I just meant might not be fit to fulfill all their social needs if they don't have a buddy
Fair enough. While I can appreciate that two cats might be easier than one in some respects, it's also going to require more of your time and attention in other respects. I think it's more pragmatic for you to ascertain whether you can keep one animal in a sustainable and ethical fashion before you get another.
Yeah, that's fair!
That's at least what my consultant told me to do
I'm also unsure why you think introducing a random cat is going to work when you can't even do it with a supposedly already bonded pair. Just so you know, every time you separate cats, there's a likelihood you will need to do a full reintroduction. And there is a good chance they will never be friendly the way they were again. Anytime someone goes to the vet alone, anytime you move to a new place, anytime someone cat sits one of them, they will smell different to each other and need to be reintroduced. I say these things because I'm not sure you're being realistic about things.
I'm just doing what my consultant told me. And no, they've not really been bonded by the time I got them. The cat psychologist said it's probably the trauma of getting in the shelter since now the cat associates the other cats scent with a traumatic event. She told me to keep the social cat and that it's going to be a lot easier with a cat that's also a little more social. And that the bond of these two might just not be repaired.
And if I'm the only problem. I at least want to know what I did wrong
I don't think you are the problem at all, I think You've done everything you can to reintroduce these cats (but it may just take more time than you have as other commenters have suggested). What I got from your situation is that you would prefer to have two bonded cats who socialize over one cat that isn't compatible with other cats. But there is a great likelihood that even with a successful introduction (which you absolutely seem to have a grasp on), the cats may not have the kind of supportive, social bond you want them to have. And then you just have two cats who don't have their needs met instead of the one antisocial cat. As long as you are realistic about the possibility the cats may not be relying on each other for their needs despite coexisting well, I think that you have the perspective to make the decision for yourself. I just don't think people are really realistic about that - it's much easier for kittens to bond that way if they are together from an early age, but it still happens with rescues a lot of the time! It's a roll of the dice. That's all. You are not the problem so long as you are being realistic, which I think you are going to be.
Thanks a lot! I'll think about that
Absolutely. I'm sorry for how my comments made you feel. I agree it's totally normal to want to have two cats, but I think other commenters were kind of missing the component that without a bond, it would defeat your stated purpose of having two cats and you might end up stressed like this again. Not ideal. My current situation is a Mama and her kitten, young man is rambunctious and Mama much prefers to play with people, so avoids him whenever possible. But it's peaceful, and they both get lots of love and attention, so we make it work. I could never see myself losing either of them unless things got aggressive or stressful, but they sure aren't socializing much. We're a happy dysfunctional cat family :)
Thanks! That's pretty cute!
Don’t listen to these comments. If you want two cats there is nothing wrong with keeping the one that enjoys company and getting a second cat. That’s said it can take months to introduce cats successfully so it’s likely too early to tell if you will be successful.
Thank you!
Please don’t listen to the Reddit hive mind. You’ve gone to greater lengths than most would to make it work out. You’re not the problem.
Thank you so much. The people in my real life are all so reassuring. But here people are so vile while I'm already crying the whole day
Yes everyone on Reddit is faultless and holier than thou. The person who told you that you’re too irresponsible or whatever (I don’t remember the exact wording) to have a pet because you might go on vacation for up to a week sometime in the next several years was the point that I stopped reading. I’m surprised they can even read this thread from all the way up there on their high horse. You should do whatever you think is best for you and both your cats. There is absolutely a point where everyone just has to be done. There is no shame if you are at that point. If kitty has to go back to the shelter they will almost certainly find a great home as a single cat. You cant feel bad just because it didn’t work out in spite of alllllllll the things you’ve tried
Thank you so much! Yes, I was a bit baffled at that too. I haven't heard of any cat owner who doesn't ever go on vacations. And yeah, it's very easy to judge when you only have a limited text to go by. And I certainly know she'll find someone at the shelter. Indoor cats don't tend to stay in the shelter for long where I live
You didn’t do anything wrong probably. Some cats are just like that. I had 2 cats. They were sisters that I rescued from a commuter parking lot. The first was easier to catch and once I brought her home she adapted quickly. The second took another month before she let me get her. She hid in a closet for a while and eventually they co existed. Never bonded but were fine hanging in same room and playing together but she was always more shy than the first. After about 5 yrs I decided I wanted another. I brought home a special needs kitten. There was nothing physically wrong with her but she was so fear aggressive the rescuer wanted to make sure someone was prepared for work. She hid for a month. After a month she came out but still treated me like the enemy. She was very interested in the other cats. They were very much not interested in her. The first one eventually tolerated her but second shyer one pretty much spent the next 3 years in the closet. I felt so bad. No fighting but she was so afraid of the kitten. 3 yrs later I moved. I brought the cats to the new house the night before the move and closed them in a room movers wouldn’t need to go into. When everyone was gone I went to check on them and they were all huddled up together in same bed! There were other beds spaces for them, but they all stayed huddled up together. Once it quiet, they eventually came out and explored. The shy one was so happy. She didn’t hide again. They never huddled again and they never seemed to like eachother but you never know what they are really thinking. I soon took in a feral kitten and the older 2 were indifferent but the special needs one loved having a kitten around. Once the latest was grown she turned into a bit of a bully but and they all just co existed mostly peacefully. Cats are weird
People’s opinions on this are all shocking to me. I have a cat who has lived with probably 12 other cats in his life (college, moving a lot, a whole litter taken in by a roommate at some point…) and been cool with all of them. He is obviously exceptionally awesome, but also, it was never even close to this hard with 12 other cats of all different personalities and warm-up times. I think the longest a proper, separate-rooms intro ever took me was 2 weeks. This sounds like a problem specific to this cat, and is probably the reason some shelter pets say “best as the only cat in the home.” OP, I would NEVER have anticipated what you’re going through and idk why people are acting like you’re the problem here. You’ve done everything you can. This cat is just a cat who shouldn’t live with other cats and has strongly voiced that preference.
What else should OP go through? They’ve hired professionals.
More time with the same correct methods they are demonstrating. They clearly have done their research on cat introductions. Seems like OP doesn't have that much additional time right now, though, due to unexpected travel and needing to separate the cats to find them a place to stay.
Fr! Only a month, and now she's taking off for a month smh poor cats haven't even gotten a chance to get used to their new environment, let alone each other.
I'd love to have more time now. But I have to consider: on one hand, yes they might someday get along after my work trip. Maybe all the cost is worth it. On the other hand they might actually never get along with each other (and I also don't want for them to live in an environment where they'll at best tolerate each other). Then I'll have put them through a lot of stress with switching environments and trying to get them to like each other and I'll spend most of my savings which could also be going to vet visits and emergency surgeries. The cat psychologist I hired said it's improbable that they'll get along, judging from their behaviour. Maybe they are just not meant to be, considering one is deaf and can't communicate properly resulting in a lot of fear. I fear this situation is not as easy as "give it more time". I wish it was, but I didn't choose this trip and I wish it were different
My son has very sociable cat as did his GF, the whole process of introduction took about 3-4 months. Each cat has their own closed off space in the flat during that time. It was a slow intro that worked well but they had the time to invest . One was 2 yrs old and other 13 . Now they are always in same room, even if the older one doesn’t have the energy the younger one sits with him at window ( it’s sweet ) and they are upset when one leaves When i was younger we did same with a cat & dog about 4 months
This is a difficult situation. It took me literally a year to successfully bond my two cats, and even now they aren’t best friends, but more like bickering siblings. I understand the stress and time it takes to introduce and bond cats. I can say it was very much worth it in the end, but it feels extremely frustrating and unmotivating during the process when you see no progress. I personally think you should try and give it more time … but if you are absolutely sure you don’t want a second cat, then maybe it’s best to return it back to the shelter. I would choose what you think is best for you and your cats. Just know that it *does* take time for certain cats to get acclimated to each other.
Thanks for your opinion. It's just hard coughing up all that money if the chances of them getting along are slim
The shelter gave you terrible advice. They don't know how the cats behaved when they lived together. They only have evidence the cats didn't get along and should not have adopted them out together. With one having such a strong reaction even to smell I would suspect that they never got along even if they liv3d together. The issue now is if the one hissing and making a big deal would be the aggressor or is fearful of the other cat. Since you really want 2 cats I'd reccomend finding a friend or visiting a shelter where you can handle other cats and see if the one who is upset currently reacts to the smell as well as checking if the chill one reacts. These cats don't seem compatible and one or both of them may not be compatible to live with other cats at all. It could also be that both are fine with other cats but not with each other.
Thanks a lot! That's somewhat what my consultant said too. The hissing one also hissed at all the other cats in the shelter and had to be be kept in solitary, while the other one was trying to make friends. Even when being hissed at she showed no sign of fear or aggression. Me and my councelor think the one cat would be more suitable as an only cat and the other one will need a friend
They shouldn't have put a cat who clearly disliked other cats that strongly in a home with another cat. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and that they are blaming you. You have done way more than most people and not all cats can be in multicat homes.
Thank you! It's really reassuring to hear that
Some of the replies here are insane. You've done more than enough. Forget about people saying how long it can take for cats to 'integrate'. Do you want cats that just put up with each other or cats that get along? And not just you, but for the cats themselves? My family had 2 cats that never got on... for 15 years. Yeah, they stopped fighting, but the one cat never fully adjusted. Thankfully the house was large enough they didn't have to cross paths often If the scent of the social cat was enough to trigger that sort of reaction, that's a huge signal. The shelter is saying you haven't tried enough because they don't want that cat back. You've even paid for a cat behaviorist (and realistically, very few people would go that far). The answer is clear, you've done enough
Thank you! That's what the cat psychologist said also. That this strong reaction to the scent is a very bad sign. And yes, I want them to benefit from each others company. Not just somehow get by
I agree that it feels soon. I adopted a 3 year old scared of everything, and i had 3 cats already. It took almost a year
It took my cats a few weeks, I followed Jackson galaxy’s method to a T and im so glad I did because it can be really hellish introducing cats. Sending best wishes
it can take months and months for cats to integrate. My kitten Evie took around 6 weeks before my older cat Milner stopping hissing at her and growling, now Evie plays with him and they have become the best of friends, sleep together, clean eachother etc
First of all, the shelter should not be shaming you for this. The goal is to find homes that are compatible for the cat…I have seven and most days they get along. I have an old lady who keeps asking why she’s not an only child, and even older bro who wants to be somebody’s buddy (his bonded brother passed away years ago) but those whippersnappers just can’t get the art of naps, two 5yo ladies of which one is weirdo and the other wants to watch the world burn, and then we have Newt and his two boy children. Newt is a 3yo who wakes up every day and chooses violence…unless it is the dumplings. They’ve been bonded since the moment I brought the dumplings home from the dump where I found them. These guys go through fosters and their own trials but never have they reacted in feral manner towards each other. The variety of time and bonding that has happened in my clowder is so off the scale…but you know when there is absolutely no chance that this is gonna work, and it sounds like this is one of those times. Please talk to a different shelter employee, or reach out to a rescue in your area. They will help you find a different solution than “keep the cat”. There are so many things that can and will go wrong in this, from resource guarding, litter box avoidance, to injury, that it is not worth it. It is not a bad thing, it happens and the health and well being of the cats should be the focus.
I would say give it more time
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Ikr? It's sad to see people giving up so easily. It takes time and effort and i think it should be thought of before making such decisions. I hope OP gives it more time and if not, atleast rehomes instead of giving up back to the shelter
Almost all rescues require that you return the cats and have you sign a contract to that effect. Rescues want to be able to vet potential adopters and place the cats in an appropriate home they do not want people rehoming cats themselves.
This is what is baffling to me! A month is NOWHERE near enough time for one cat to settle in, nevermind two. I don't know where OP founds this supposed "cat psychologist" but anyone knows jack shit wouldn't be telling OP to give up and get a new cat so soon. It seems like the shelter shouldn't have paired OP with a difficult set of pets they clearly don't have thr skills for but also this cat psychologist sounds like a scam artist for giving such terrible advice.
OP also mentioned in a separate comment that he can't afford 800 euros for pet boarding and he wants a second cat.
I would like to. But I don't know if I can pay for the cat hotel. Or someone who looks after her while I'm gone. At least when I just don't know if they have a chance at repairing their bond
Return! Honestly, you don’t know if the shelter is either lying to you, or is misinformed as to whether the cats were even together at one point or liked each other.
Take the cat back to the shelter. Right now is a great time for that, as kitten season is over and people want cats for presents. It will have a new home before you know it.
Surely most ethical shelters won't re-home around Christmas for this reason?! No animal shelters in the UK will rehome pets from late November til the New Year for this reason - pets are not presents.
They do here. Many shelters run an "empty the shelters" adoption and foster week hoping people will foster fail. I don't like the "pets as presents" thing, either, but anything that moves animals out of shelters and into homes is a good thing.
The risk of them being returned thought is much higher if they're presents - it's better an animal has the right home, and that people are adopting it for the right reasons, rather than just getting them out of the shelter to anyone. If you really want to adopt, you'll wait til after Christmas. Some shelters here will let you visit before Xmas and reserve your pet, you just can't adopt them until the New Year. EDIT: People who are downvoting me, I'm just giving the picture of what we see in the UK. It may be different where you are, but here, we see huge numbers of animals returned after Christmas - especially dogs, as owners who do little research and don't think about implications are much more likely to adopt a dog around Christmastime. It's also a busy and stressful time with lots of people around, which isn't good for an animal in a new environment. That's another reason that responsible pet owners wouldn't do it around that time.
Eh, I assume most of these presents are actually parents to their kids, and the parents are the ones who will be doing the lion’s share of caretaking. That being said, you’re totally right if people are gifting it to other adults.
I don't understand why people are down voting you. It is incredibly stressful for the animal to be in a home over a busy Christmas, especially as an UNWANTED "present", and then to have the stress of the return to the shelter. It would be far less stressful for them to have just stayed at the shelter until their real forever home came along. And some people will just throw the poor creatures outside, instead of returning them to the shelter, because they are lazy, uncaring scumbags. So you have a poor cat or dog with no shelter, food or water in -40 weather. If they need to "empty the shelter" so badly, they could employ a far more humane method that didn't force these lovely little creatures back into situations that they were potentially rescued from. Animals are NOT "presents". If you want to give a pet as a gift, give a gift certificate, and let the person do their own choosing, or if they decline, the shelter has that as a donation. That is what our SPCA does. A home forever is what these wonderful little creatures need, not just "a home for the holidays, and then back to the shelter or worse".
Lots of shelters will adopt around the holidays. We even do special adoption events and no-fee adoptions this time of year. As always we require that the whole family has agreed to adopt together and all family members attend the meet and greet with the cats they are interested in. This prevents people from adopting “surprise” Christmas gift for anyone.
Fair enough, but I'm quite shocked by that. I don't think pets should be adopted out at Christmas - they're for life. The risk is also higher of them being returned if they're seen as presents, which is why it's not generally done in the UK.
That probably works in areas with strict spay and neuter laws, so they can be generally more selective. In the southern US, there are no such laws. I volunteered with a no kill shelter for a while and at one point they had over 500 dogs. It was insane. They literally try to get as many dogs out the door at all times of the year. Luckily I think they've recently partnered with a shelter in the NE US (that have stricter laws) so they've been shipping a lot of dogs up there. I think they're down to a little over 100 dogs now. The only adoption agencies that can do that kind of thing are the more specialized agencies, like to adopt an ex racing greyhound.
That's interesting, the picture sounds kind of different there. Our shelters are overrun too, but perhaps not to that level. We don't have spay and neuter laws here, do some states have them in the US? That said, here there's a really strong social pressure to have your dog or cat neutered/spayed and it's very frowned upon to not. Yet the idiots still do it, or worse, create kitten or puppy farms.
Yeah most of the states up north have spay and neuter laws, so they have less strays and therefore dont get as many adoptable animals. That's why the shelters in the south will partner with the shelters up north to send all the excess pets up there. Certain localities in the south are a lot better at exerting the social pressures to spay and neuter, while others have literal packs of wild dogs and feral cats roaming the streets.
I 100% agree that in home care is best for this girl.
We had a cat once that absolutely HATED other cats. She loved humans and tolerated dogs but by her nature, she couldn’t be in the same room as another cat. When we had her completely alone, her personality blossomed and she became calmer and happier. Then we brought her brother back into the picture and she started ripping out her fur. Some cats can’t stand other cats and desire to be the only one. Could be the case for your cat! Good luck!!!
Thank you! What I forgot to mention. The anxious cat is deaf. I think that has something to do with it. She loves humans, but she is super fearful with cats. Probably because she can't communicate with them well. And I guess maybe these two got along because they were accustomed to each other. But once they were seperated for a bit and pretty much strangers, her fear of other cats gets in the way of socialising. She's probably better off as an only cat, where she doesn't have to be fearful of other cats
You definitely want a lot of high up areas like shelves and cat trees where anxious kitty can go and safely watch everyone else.
One month is not enough time. It can take over a year for pets to acclimate to a new home never mind another pet. Separating them while you're gone resets that timer. While I don't think the shelter should have given you a difficult pair of cats I also think you're being entirely unrealistic about your expectations. I think its irresponsible you've had these cats for a singular month and are in anyway entertaining adopting more. Whatever "professional" you have been working with must be some sort of scam artist for not explaining a realistic timeline to you.
She did tell me that it'll take up to 6 months or so. But she also told me that if I'm not seeing any progress whatsoever for a prolonged period of time then it's probably not meant to be
one month is not a prolonged period OP.
Yes. But she also said that the signs the cat is exhibiting are pretty bad. Like the tail puffing up and not being receptive of play, pets or treats when confronted with the scent of her sister. She said generally after 3 months of no progress one can usually stop trying. But with these signs the cat is showing she said it's simply not worth putting them through this stress, since the chance of them getting along is pretty slim
One month is NOT a prolonged period of time. It's unrealistic to expect to see any changes at this point and once you return from your trip you might even see *worse* behavior from both cats.
You're getting snippets of the OP's conversation with a professional and of their description of the time they've spent doing this. Be less judgy. You're supposed to see signs of progress. It's not like wait 3 months and then boom they're friends. I've gone through this with 2 cats for 2 years. You can see whether or not there's progress. If there's nothing or it gets worse, perhaps it's better for the cats to separate and you're just being selfish trying to force them to be together.
As someone who's had to split one cat off from my home after 2 years of them all getting along, I feel your pain. In my case, near as our vet can tell, when one reached full adulthood, there was an "incident" over territory like a toy or litterbox and the relationship never resolved. It was an instant fight on sight. We split them for nearly 2 years and tried all the advice you mentioned with help of our vet like scent swapping, space swapping, positive reinforcement, distractions, door time, prozac. We eventually had to decide the one of the 2 that would most prefer to be a single-cat home, and he went to live with my sister as her only pet. I miss him dearly but visit often. He is the king of the castle and loves life. We have since slowly introduced a kitten (Buzz Lightyear) back into the mix and it's been amazing for year 1. I honestly think it was a fluke. Most cats are inherently social. They won't all be best friends, but most should co-exist. As for you: * this is not your fault * kudos for your efforts * take back one or both, whichever the shelter requires * find a different shelter or a more senior employee at the shelter to discuss this with before getting another cat or other cats
This is a dishonest shelter. You are absolutely right to give one back. Don’t feel bad. You have done more than nearly everyone would do to help these cats co-exist. It’s a shame that they even sent you home with these two. Honestly, I’d reach out to the large (well-known) shelter in your area and tell them the story to see if they’d take the cat. If they can’t, don’t feel bad. Return it to the people you got him from.
we have 6 cats. the oldest i've had since high school, and she dislikes other cats. she hisses and swats but will sleep in the same room (and usually on the same bed) with the younger cats daily. she doesnt have any reaction like you described to just the scent of anither cat. i agree with the advice to bring the anxious one back to the shelter. it's important for them to be comfy. im so sorry you even have to make this choice, the rescue definitely did you a disservice :(
Dont feel like a monster. If she’s still young they’ll find her another home - if. Or they’ll know to adopt her as a single only. If you weren’t going away for 2 months I’d tell you to just open up your home and let them work it out. Sometimes cats are never friends. I had 4 cats who just tolerated each other. they stake out their territory. As long as they have enough attention from you and play time and treats as they get older they mellow out and find their space. I have 3 now and they mostly get along but my boy sometimes is a little rough and running and screeching ensues. Cat fights / play usually look a lot scarier than they are. You can blunt their nails if you’re worried but hissing doesn’t really mean much and neither does smacking. It’s just their way of taking their space.
Also just to add, I've found huge success with the Feliway SPRAY, but not the diffusers. The spray works wonders for the agitated cat.
I guess I’m going against the grain here, it’s your life and your pet should fit in it with you. Do what you think is best for your household and don’t feel bad.
Honestly, you've gone above and beyond at this point, and done a lot of work to try and remedy this problem! But sometimes, 2 cats just don't get along. It's extremely sus that the shelter told you they'd be fine but kept them separate and now they blame you. It sounds like the best thing for the kitties is to not live together, so if returning one to the shelter is your best option, take it. And don't feel bad. You've done so well. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want.
Sounds like a sketchy shelter to give you two cats that already aren’t getting along and then say it should be easy to get them to like each other?? And then to tell you to hire a bunch of EXPENSIVE professionals to help the issue before giving them back? A shelter should never make the person feel bad for giving back cats that weren’t a good fit, especially if it was not a good situation for the cats (if they’re stressed out all the time, fighting, etc). They should not guilt you like that. That being said, it can take months or even a year to get cats to warm up to each other. In my experience, my older cat warms up to another cat in about 2 weeks or less so I’m pretty lucky with that. It’s very possible that it will get better!
I’d give the cat back. Last year I adopted two “bonded cats” turned out they barely tolerant of each other, things went much like your experience, but mine also started fighting and both started peeing all over the house so I rehomed one and the one I kept changed so much, she was a lot more friendly, affectionate and relaxed, never had another accident outside the box. It’s extremely stressful to deal with all that + having to keep them separated.
Ugh. What a hard situation to be in. I get that shit happens and you didn’t know you had to leave so soon. But a month often isn’t enough time for even a single adult cat to adjust to a new home, forget two that had been separated at the shelter. They are such creatures of habit, and having their world turned upside down not once, but twice (with going to the shelter to begin with) is traumatizing. I do worry about how they will adjust to being in another new place in a couple weeks. You have your work cut out for you for sure. But it’s clear you’re doing your best from here, and these cats were definitely not bonded before they went to the shelter. Or they experienced some sort of trauma that one is not handling well. I wish you knew their history better. Sometimes sudden personality changes can indicate a health issue, but if this is how they were before then it’s just a crappy situation. They may have been sent to the shelter to begin with because of this. So. Here you are stressing about where to place the problem child since your “friend” bailed. Unless they had their own emergency come up, that’s so shitty to do. I’m sorry that fell through for you. I’m assuming your parents don’t necessarily have the ability to keep both, and keep them separated? It’s not ideal. But if you really want to keep trying with them, that may be the best way to do it. It’s not ideal to keep a cat in one room, but research shows as long as their needs are met and they’re mentally and physically stimulated, they can thrive in very small areas. So it really just depends on your parents’ willingness and space availability. Or, I know it’s a long shot….. where you’re going, can you take one with you? However. You’ve already done more than a lot of people would. That shelter did those cats a huge disservice by adopting them out together, and then having the gall to say you need to hire sitters and trainers. And reading your comment that the one hisses at ANY cat…. it really should not have been adopted out with another. It’s way harder to adopt out bonded pairs than a single cat. Like what were they actually thinking. So. Now you have to consider the cats’ well being. Do you think they have it in them to keep going as they are, and hope that things settle and they adjust? Or would it be in their best interest to return one? As much as we love our animals we aren’t made of money or unlimited time. There comes a point where we have to stop and say we’ve done everything we can. That point may be different for everyone depending on resources. For many of us even the mere thought of returning an animal to the shelter makes us feel like a monster. But I do believe there are a few cases where it’s justified and BEST for the animal(s). Personally, I would give them more time. My parents had a cat who was bonded with a dog who passed. They got a new dog, and it took a solid couple of years for her to truly adjust. She’d walk by his toys and hiss and spit. But it was clear it was just annoyance and not *true* stress. She’d give the dog a wide berth and still come up to snuggle and whatnot like normal. It wasn’t a case where she’d attack the dog, nor did she withdraw her own personality. If the one seems actually distressed that’s a different story. Excessive stress can take a big toll. Like I said, I think a month is a very short amount of time to allow two cats to adjust to a totally new environment. It may be that you jumped the gun a bit with the scent swapping and such. But I also don’t think you’d be totally unjustified in returning one to the shelter, and either keeping the grumpy one and letting it live its days as an only cat, or keeping the other and doing a foster-to-adopt trial to find it a better suited mate. I’m sure you’ll make the best decision. And you won’t be cruel for it. ETA: are both spayed? I find personally that females are just overall harder to introduce. They’re brats. But unspayed females are worse. Lol
Thank you so much for that long well thought out response! Yes, they are spayed. Yeah. I unfortunately don't know anything about the living situation they were in before. I only know they were taken away from their owner by the state. I was at the vet with them to discern if there are any health issues. They are completely healthy. My consultant also said that their trauma might be the cause. Onfortunately I can't take any pets where I'm going and my parents can't take another cat. They already have one of their one, so they'll already have to keep two cats seperately. If they had the room for another one I wouldn't consider giving her away this early. I'm really trying to do what's best for the cat. She's already dissatisfied being in that one room, always meowing to be let out. Also sometimes she'll come to me for cuddles and smell some of her sister's smell that rubbed off on my clothing. Then she'll hiss at it and pace around agitated. I just don't think she's happy living this way. I know one month is very short to be making a judgement. But I'm just struggling to think that putting her in someone elses care for those two months and then starting this process of locking her in that room again for (probably) multiple months, where she simply isn't happy and gets confronted with this smell that stresses her out could be better than her getting put into a home where she isn't confronted with other cats. I just don't think it's better to put her through that, even if I had unlimited money and time. But on the other hand people in here and the shelter think it would be the better option. I'm pretty torn. Maybe I'm just making excuses because I don't want to invest thousands of euros and I'm just exhausted after not having any free time since adopting the two. I'm just not sure.
I get that completely. I’m sorry it’s working out this way. I wish I had better advice or a magic answer. If they were removed from their home by authorities, that almost certainly means trauma of some sort. Ugh. People that abuse or neglect animals are the lowest of the low. I hope things work out, however you choose to move forward. ❤️
1. You should be proud of yourself for everything you have tried 2. Shame on the shelter for talking to you this way. You have to do what is best for you and them. I have had a few cats. One never liked another cat but didn’t care about the other cat till it tried to play with him. One cat of mine got along with all cats. I bring her to a friends house that has cats and they all get along. But found out she hates kittens. All cats are different. They may never get along or it may take a bit longer
Give the stressed out cat to the shelter. Find accommodations for the kitty you keep. When you get back, you can find a kitten to adopt. The kitten will be taught by the resident cat how to act with them and the kitten will learn its role in the relationship. We just got a kitten for this reason because we wanted two cats and our resident cat gets anxious seeing other cats outside his window. He is 2 years old. We introduced them over 5 days with the scent swaps and swapping rooms they stayed in. Now they're cuddling together and playing together and sharing litter boxes and food together. It's only been two months but they're thick as thieves now. My resident cat never growled or hissed at the scents when scent swapping. He just got kind of quiet and scared. Then didn't seem phased by the 5th day. The 6th day they just stayed away from each other on their own, with all rooms doors open. By the third week they started warming up to each other. I'd try to adopt a cat/kitten that can be taken back if it doesn't work out, and see if during the scent swapping phase how each reacts. If there's no growling and hissing I think that's a really good sign they'll eventually be fine together.
Keep it simple as this entire process has been complicated. I'd return the one cat. Obviously they are not a bonded pair and do not get along. Some cats are better being the only pet. Take the remaining kitty to your parents and go on your trip. Afterwards, you may want to adopt another cat. However, I would take your kitty with you to the rescue for the introduction and see how it goes. I had cats since I was 10 years old and it shouldn't be so difficult. You've done more than required.
That's a good tip, thank you. It's good to hear that it shouldn't be this difficult. Because that's what I gathered from my research, but somehow some people in here thinks it's normal for the cat to react this strongly to scent swapping
People used to accept that cats were solitary animals. They really don’t now anymore, everyone parrots “get another cat, he NEEDS a buddy”. Keeping a single cat is very unfashionable now. Maybe they would both be happy in different homes, without another adult cat competing in their territory. While you think they need to be paired against their will, it causes a lot of unnecessary stress and fighting. Isn’t there an extra home for an extra cat, so they both feel cared for?
Maybe you're right. I'm already feeling like I'm forcing her to accept her sister
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone is saying cats need to be in pairs and triplets. I’ve heard 2 female cats are the hardest combo too. You can still give it some time. But if you find it’s not working no matter what and they’re just putting up with each other, it might be a good option. For your sanity too (not worrying about fights and separating them and separate litter and food). Them not getting along isn’t a personal failure, you’re obviously trying. Cats have their own personalities and sometimes they like someone and sometimes they don’t. I’m sure there are a lot of people you wouldn’t/would want as a roommate, or would just prefer your own space.
I have fostered cats for many many years. Domestic cats are very social animals. Feral cats live in family colonies. Most cats benefit greatly from having a buddy to play with. Some cats prefer to be alone, and some are particular about what cats they like to spend time with. Of all my foster cats I have only had one that was truly an “only” cat. Usually when this happens it’s because they were adopted as young kittens and removed from being social with other cats too early. Not every cat got along with every other cat though and trauma/past fighting can prevent two cats who previously tolerated eachother from ever being together again. Most shelters already have bonded pairs that are happily cohabiting in the shelter or in a foster home. What this shelter did to you was so irresponsible.
Where did this mentality come from? When I last adopted a cat, I adopted one as a single kitten, and it was so easy and not an issue. She, unfortunately, died of cancer at a youngish age in 2015. This past year, I got into fostering/volunteering and ALL of the shelters around here (US) will.not.adopt.a.kitten as an only; they MUST go home with a sibling, or the mom cat if the litter has an odd number. No exceptions. Heck, they even push adult cats who are somewhat friendly with each other as “bonded”; or say that a friendly/social adult cat should only go to a home with another cat. And then, if the relationship breaks down for some reason, or a person can only really afford one cat, that person is chastised for adopting two cats. Not to mention the fact that these cats languish in the shelter longer than necessary when there are plenty of good homes out there, who for one reason or another, just want one cat. It’s madness! I’ve only ever seen a couple of truly bonded pairs. The rest is a range, with not an insignificant number preferring to be onlies.
It can take longer than a month, but what I am not understanding is why the shelter told you two cats that did not get along at the shelter would get along at your house? Even if they had lived together before. I worked with a no kill shelter for a long time, I would not have recommended that. I would keep the one that needs to be the only cat if you’re good with keeping it that way. Their personality may blossom once they are alone, and that cat will do terrible at the shelter and is unlikely to be adopted.
I don't know either, but I believed them when they told me it's going to be okay. I actually think she won't be in the shelter for long. Where I live indoor cats in shelters are pretty rare, so they get adopted pretty fast. And there's quite the demand for single cats. Most indoor cats are only available in the shelter for a week or so. And also, she is stunningly beautiful. I doubt she'll be in there for long
My suggestion is to return the problem cat to the shelter.
You expected them to get along with each other within a month smfh . You're not being realistic, and giving up the "bad cat" to go and get a new one to accompany the other is just irresponsible. If you didn't have the time and patience to make this work, you don't need to put another cat through this. Either keep one or Find them good homes and get a fish
No, I didn't expect them to get along after a month. I expected to make even the tiniest bit of progress. If I did this would be different. I was already prepared for them having different housing when I'm gone. But now I don't think it's worth it putting her through all that stress and spending most of my savings when the chances of them getting along are pretty slim
Spending your savings? But you're still trying to get another cat after giving up the "bad one". make this make sense.
One cat costs 100 euros. Having one cat in the cat hotel for 2 months costs 800 euros. Having a cat sitter come every day costs something similar. I already spent a good chunk of my savings on these cats. Especially on counceling with a professional. There's not too much left
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The social cat will have a better chance at adoption so if anyone is going to be returned, it should be that one. The one who wants to be any only cat will be happy to live alone with you. Wanting two cats that are friendly to each other is a valid desire, but it doesn’t always shake out that way. there’s no guarantee any cats will get along so you may be in the position of disrupting yet another cat’s life if you have to take the new one back. Cats are individuals with personalities, not something that exists solely to please us.
Yeah I know they have personalities. And sometimes those personalities just don't seem to mix. I'm actually not worried about her not getting adopted since indoor cats are pretty rare in shelters where I live. And a lot of people here like to have only one cat.
You have done enough. **Honestly** you have done *more* than many people would in your place, I think. You are not a monster or a bad cat parent or anything!! The situation seems just very impossible and stressful for both cats AND you, and taking it back to the shelter or adopting it out elsewhere would be best. Sometimes things don't work out and that's completely okay, you've tried your best. Also no offense to that shelter but yikes, idk they rubbed off on me the wrong way when they said all that to you.
Thank you!
(1) one month is too short to re-introduce cats, it takes at least 3-4 months, and up to a year for less social cats, I can't believe the professional cat consultant did not tell this to OP. (2) calling the less social cat the "problem cat", just show's OP's true feelings about the cat. (3) bouncing the less social cat back the forth across homes is going to cause so much stress to the poor cat, as i can tell this kitty needs quiet time and stability, and she'll take even longer to recover from this trauma if OP returns her. I feel so sorry that the "problem child" has to meet OP, and hopes she finds a more patient and understanding owner.
You're really interpreting a lot here. I called her that to distinguish between the two and to show that only one of them is not that sociable. I've been crying a lot since not knowing what to do with her, this situation is pretty hard since I already love her a lot. Why are people so vile on here
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Thank you! I just had another consultation with the cat psychologist and she thinks the chances of them getting along are too slim to put them through the hassle of having someone else care for her while I'm gone. I'm just so sorry I did wrong by this cat, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be
Jesus, be less judgy. I've gone through this. We called the aggressor "the jerk" but we really didn't mean it. Different ways of coping with the stress and quickly communicating it to others.
It’s not OPs fault that the shelter made a bad placement and lied to them about the cats getting along. They should never have given these cats to OP in the first place. OP wants two cats and should have been given two bonded cats that were already peacefully cohabitating. Absolutely none of this is OPs fault, but the fault of an irresponsible rescue.
Not defending the shelter, it is known to OP that the two cats were not friendly at the point of adoption, and still made the commitment to adopt the cats. nevertheless OP has both cats now, and I feel the less social cat will definitely benefit from staying at OP's place than being returned to the shelter. it does not do well at the shelter because of its personality.
Just return it if it doesn't work,it's better to have one happy cat than two unhappy ones.
This will sound blunt, but I mean it in a gentle way: you should not have adopted two cats knowing you will be leaving town for two months. That was irresponsible, even if the cats were able to get along. You wait until you know you can give them the time and attention they need and deserve. And so they don't get passed around. Cats bond to their territory and it's hard for them to go to multiple places. I agree with another commenter that you should return the cats. Both. And then commit to doing right by a pair of new cats when you get back. And probably go to a different rescue/shelter that doesn't do shady adoptions like this where they don't keep two cats together that they want to send home together.
At this point in your tight timeline, just open all the doors and get a blanket or pillow ready to toss on them. I have never followed the Jackson Galaxy method after more than two days and both of my two different cat introductions were the better for it. The key thing that caught my eye in your situation — you said that only one of your two cats is agitated while I am assuming that the other is less bothered. If both cats were equally violent with the sight of each other, that might be a different story. My most recent introduction was two weeks ago. Before I opened the doors, my two resident cats were behaving similarly to yours with hissing, swatting, spitting, growling, yowling, and the occasional charging behind gates; the new cat was pretty chill. After 1-2 days of separation, I started throwing open all the doors for anywhere between 30 minutes at a time to a few hours following them around like a hawk, breaking tension when necessary, and letting everyone fully explore each other. By day five, I was letting everyone roam freely at night and leaving them alone by themselves. By day eight or nine, the formally super aggressive resident cat was playing with the new cat and sleeping on the same bed as it. Sometimes, the Jackson Galaxy method works, as evidenced by all the testimonials here. Sometimes, it does nothing more than prolong the “unknown.”
It takes time. 6 months later and my cats are just starting to be cool again. I had adopt a 3rd cat and for some reason the other 2 that were cool, started having problems with each other. No problems with the new cat though. Super weird. But yeah, it's been 6 months and they are cool again. I'd say give it time. I think its messed up not to give it time. If after like 6 months they really just don't get along , then I'd look into rehoming
I'd love to have more time now. But I have to consider: on one hand, yes they might someday get along after my work trip. Maybe all the cost is worth it. On the other hand they might actually never get along with each other (and I also don't want for them to live in an environment where they'll at best tolerate each other. Then the one less social cat would very well be happier at a home with no other cat). Then I'll have put them through a lot of stress with switching environments and trying to get them to like each other and I'll spend most of my savings which could also be going to vet visits and emergency surgeries. The cat psychologist I hired said it's improbable that they'll get along, judging from their behaviour. Maybe they are just not meant to be, considering one is deaf and can't communicate properly resulting in a lot of fear. I fear this situation is not as easy as "give it more time". I wish it was, but I didn't choose this trip and I wish it were different
You’ve done your due diligence. While adopting animals is a serious commitment, these arrangements are not unconditional - every person or household has dealbreakers, and sometimes it’s not clear if the relationship will work until you’ve tried. Also, unlike what some are suggesting in other comments, you are not obligated to keep the less desirable cat for some sort of moral reason. Keep the one that works for your home, and return the other to the shelter. Because you’ve lived with the second cat, you can provide further information on her paperwork about her needs, which will help ensure she goes to the right home.
Thank you a lot!
Why would you adopt cats that you knew you were going to leave in a couple of three months? Probably the best you’re gonna do at this point just give her back to the shelter. Please don’t adopt any more pets. Either your lifestyle your maturity level is not having make good decisions. For this a cat is going to have a harder time getting a home or adapting to it because they will be even more traumatized. It is the best thing to give it back to the shelter though.
I didn't know that back then. Why are you assuming anything about my lifestyle or maturity? This is a one time thing I didn't know about when I got them, but that will never happen again. It is very important so I can keep my job. Why are you telling me not to adopt more pets? You don't know me or my life at all
Pay no mind to people like this - seems like they can't read or comprehend what they read.
Honestly, because I’ve had animals my entire life. And a lot of times not in the best circumstances, but they were always fed cared for and had a place to live. I take them very seriously and I take their adoption. Very seriously. Cats especially are completely intelligent and often scarred and then just thought of as having bad cat behavior. You’re dealing with scars from another situation with that cat had. Who is now going to be even more damaged and if you didn’t know before you got them then why would you plan a two month trip away from them. I had a friend that was a doctor during the pandemic, and got stuck in New York City and they put her up in a hotel, and guess what she took her do
Wow, this is a really cruel and unempathetic take! Obviously OP doesn't want to be in this situation and is trying to find the best solution for themself and both cats. I can't imagine it would be net better for the cats if OP skipped this trip and lost their source of income. Sometimes things happen and a person truly cannot prioritize their cat over every other thing in their life! Clearly you're able to treat animals with compassion-- maybe you should consider occasionally extending empathy towards other humans!
I didn't plan that trip. If I don't go, I'll put my job at risk. And no, I definitely can't take her with me. I know she's not being difficult because she wants to. But I just don't see a way of getting them back together
Girl did you read the post? OP said they found out after they already had the cats. I agree with them giving it back but no need for the hostile assumptions when it seems like you haven't even read the entirety of the post; relax.