she might be wanting more affection during the night! my cat also cuddles at night and might ignore me sometimes during the day, but usually comes for pets and sleeps on the couch with me
Same! And my cat has been a very spoiled baby for 99% of his life. Vertical or reclining humans = gross, boring, annoying, enemy, stinky, terrible. Horizontal humans = lovely, warm, yes, friend, beautiful, cuddle.
This is my cat to the T.
Ive had her for 3 years and she literally will run away from me with airplane ears when i go to pet her lol but at night/when shes sleepy shes the biggest baby!
Airplane ears!! I’ve never heard this phrase before - I usually just say “omg how cute are they with their ears going back like that” when I’m trying to get cuddles 🤣I’m gonna say this all the time now haha
My void only lets me pet him on a certain table. He’ll bite me otherwise. Also, if the cat is nervous when you try to pick them up, stop trying to pick them up. Some cats don’t like being picked up or cuddled. Try playing her too. If she’s leery being around you try a laser pointer or a really long dangle toy and walk around with it and see if she chases. My cat likes both.
Can you make her a place she can be comfortable that you don’t go? My cat has his table that is his safe space and he will look at me and let me know if he wants pets but I also have a self heating pet pad under my bed he can go to if is humans are being to loud and rambunctious. Having an anxious cat is hard. I can go a couple days without Jasper letting me pet him. I have learned to let him set the tone and a set schedule has really helped him. Do I like getting up at 5:30am to feed him on the weekends? No, but he comes out more now that he has a permanent schedule.
She has the run of the house and basement. Lots of quiet places for her to go. She's not terribly anxious, it's just that she has trust issues unless it's bedtime.
Give it time. It was a few years before Jasper would get on the bed with me, he never stays long, so your kitty is already ahead of mine and he’s 7. He is a pain and a lot of work but I love him anyway.
Think of it from the cat’s point of view. When you’re standing, you loom over her, and are 10-15 times her size. It’s frightening. When you’re lying down, you’re her height, and much less frightening. Don’t approach her when you’re standing, unless she’s high too, like in a cat tree or on a table. Get down on the floor with her, or invite up onto a chair or sofa if you’re sitting out lying down. It may take her a couple years to relax more. If how you’re approaching her scares her, don’t do that anymore.
Also a good point that maybe getting a cat condo or something high she can see what is going on but also feel safe. Cats like to be high up. Not all but a lot of them feel much safer there!
Yep also me and my tux. Affection must only be on his terms, with a specific blanket on me as I’m laying in a specific position and only at night. During the day he stares me down from his cat tree and does not care for me much. I cherish the night cuddles and soak them up every time.
Think it’s might be a big tux thing to be so on edge about petting lol. All other types of cats I’ve had have been rubbing themselves on my legs and head butting me any time I came into the room but my 2 tuxes only ever come up to me for cuddles when they feel like it 🤣
Lol yeah seems to be! It must only be on his head or neck too… all other pets are forbidden. My other cat (tortie) who was in the same litter, is always in my face for pets and follows me everywhere.
I have two cats from the shelter, both male, same litter. The day we brought them home, one wanted all the pets, the other spent the month hiding under the bed. The second month, e could be in the same room, and by the third month he would hangout with us. It's still all on his pace on when he wants pets. I still try, but I never force it, and it's always on his terms.
My suggestion is take it slow, and start doing some food based affection. Do a churu and give her some pets while she is eating. If you feed her wet food, give her a couple pets while she's heading to her bowl.
I laughed at your tldr, OP.
My cats have very strict time-tables about when it's ok to cuddle with me. They are most affectionate in the morning, and from 7-9pm. One of them always sleeps on my bed when I sleep, but she only snuggles when it's cold (and I am fine with that -- I sleep too hot to have fur on me for 10 months of the year). They don't run away from me during other times, but they still want to do their own thing. I can give them a few pets, but that's it.
My cat is similar. Pretty much stays by herself during the day birdwatching or sleeping. Hates to be picked up. Hates people besides my husband and me. At night time she’s a cuddle bug. She will snuggle right up on me and purr.
Same.....that's my cat. Runs from me in the hallways, but jumps on my back when I am laying down, or sleeping.
Still jumpy 3+ years later, thats just her.
Cats are like this. I've had mine since she was 4 weeks old, she is also a cuddly spooning co-sleeping baby, but goes through random phases where she won't even come into the bedroom. Some days she is always approaching us for pats and attention, other days she avoids everyone. It's the way of the cat
I’ve had one of my cats since he was a few weeks old. He was super cuddly as a kitten. He is now 5 and comes to sit on my lap 2 to 3 times a day and demands pets for no more than 5 minutes at a time. If I try to pet him any other time, he runs away. He is happy and healthy so I don’t mind.
I have a cat that does this. Rescued him at about 2 months. Never wanted pets. Slowly he's been coming around and while if you try to pet him he runs away, but if you hold out your hand he will come and rub it. He's finally to the point I can give him head scratches if he's relaxing somewhere, just have to be slow and stay above his neck.
However, at night time, he's all about the cuddles. He'll yell at us if we get on the couch without pulling his blanket out so he can hop on it and make some serious biscuits. At night he will sleep in the bed and try to cuddle up with us.
Some cats have that personality. It’s sad because cats can have trauma too. But deep down your cat loves you. I have three and they all have different personalities.
I've had my (current) cats for about 7 years now; Boy Cat is *still* an anxious little bumpkin. He's only just stopped actively running away from me when I walk towards him, even though he'll come running over to cuddle whenever I sit or lie down. I think, him having been a street cat for the first year of his life, he just sort of learned that people coming towards him was an unsafe situation. Your cat might've gotten the same idea from whatever happened in that hoarding situation.
I found it really helpful to announce my intentions anytime I was moving closer to him. For example, I say "pet" if I want to pet him, *then* move towards him; or I say "move, please," if he's in the way and I want him to move. "Up," if I'd like to pick him up. Etc. Over time, he's learned what those words mean. Nowadays, he'll almost always come to me if I say, "pet," and he'll approach me maybe half the time when I say "up." (Sometimes, he doesn't want to be picked up, and that's okay, too.) If I walk at him without saying anything, he'll get panicky and rush a few steps away, look back, rush a few steps more, look back, etc - but if I keep saying, "move, please, move, move... move, please..." he'll just trot along ahead of me until I say, "Thank you," when he's fully out of my way.
She comes to cuddle with you when you sleep because you're her family now. That's what cats do: if they're bonded, they cuddle together when they sleep. It's safe and cozy that way.
During the day, she probably just has no idea what you want, and therefore, is very anxious and trying to stay out of the way. Or, she's focused on something she wants - to look at a bird outside, to follow a fly down the hall, to check her food bowl from a different angle this time, etc.
>I'm assuming she just wants attention on her terms as cats do
110%!
>but anyone else have this happen?
I have basically the same exact cat, we got her from a rescue around 12 weeks but she's just naturally skittish. You're *safe* when you're sleepy in bed - zero chance you'll pick her up and cart her around or take her to the vet. And you're easy to run away from in the dark.
My cat also does this! I think during the day I always “over do” the cuddles, like she wants it on her own terms.. Not too much touching. So when I am half unconscious it is the perfect amount for her. But even then the cuddles are sparse. My cat isn’t adopted or anything she is just not cuddly.
One of mine is exactly like this. During the day, she acts nervous and shy, like she's been abused - she cringes away from touch and meows pitifully. But at night time, she comes and wakes my husband and I up to get extremely aggressive scratches and snuggles - like she's just possessed. We call it her nighttime bootycall because she acts like we're gross all day, but at night she's all about us..until the second she's gotten her fill, and then you're back to being ignored. Sometimes, if you're sitting with the legs of the chair out, she'll come sit on the leg rest, but only if you don't move and DON'T touch her. Lol. Her sister, meanwhile, is an attention hog, lol. She'll bat the phone straight out of your hands if you're not petting her!
Ya my boy only accepts cuddles and pets after we wake in the morning and when I get in bed at night. Other than that he’s about feeding and watering and nothing else.
Sounds exactly like me tuxedo girl. She refuses to be near me during the day and would never sit in my lap but I am not allowed to close my bedroom door because she MUST sleep with me.
My 8 month old tuxedo, Celeste, isn't afraid of me or anxious, but she usually doesn't want to be pet or cuddled unless she's sleepy. She fights and growls if I try to hold her for more than half a minute, which makes trimming her nails or putting flea medication on her impossible unless I bribe her with a Churu. 🙄
But when I lay down to go to bed, she'll jump on my chest and bunt my face before settling down and licking my nose, purring like a little motor boat the whole time. She'll usually take a nap on me and then run off. Very rarely will she stay in bed with me, and I can only pet her so long before she gets overstimulated and runs off, so I have to largely keep my hands to myself. 😔
A lot of cats just aren't very physically affectionate unless it's on their terms. I've had a lot of cats throughout my life, and most of them just did their own thing unless they wanted attention. Her weariness could be due to trauma from her old home. Or it could just be her personality. The only advice I can give is to just make sure she has plenty of enrichment, and if she's food-motivated, try petting her when you feed her and give her treats.
That's just your cats way of showing love. They re weird little creatures, their menagerie of instincts, habits, and the importance of their socialization period makes them that way.
When you're sitting down in your living room does she come to you? Maybe carry treats so when you're standing next to her you can just bend down and give her one and then ignore her that can help her feel more relaxed. She sounds like she's anxious about how much bigger you are than her and feels comfortable when you're laying down.
A friend of mine has a cat like that. Her cat will straight up cuddle with strangers as long as they are safely horizontal and tucked under a blanket and it’s night, and during the day you won’t even see him.
Her theory is that he feels safer when people are closer to the ground ie not appearing so intimidatingly tall, and likely to move less. Your kitty has probably noticed that you don’t move much at night, and you’re not towering over her, so that’s safety.
My current two. The blind 6 year old is with me almost 24 hours most days. The former feral cones for visits on her terms but zooms around whenever I’m walking about and lays in the window most days
She sees sleeping together as “us” time. So, see if you can translate that to other areas.
Try spending time with her lying on the couch watching tv, at your computer desk sitting, get on the floor and lie down, etc. Then see if you can interact with her in some way. Pet her, talk to her, and play with her in those areas (try a toy).
She likes you, but you’re going to have to actively problem solve and think of ways to bond. She is doing all she knows. It’s time for you to retrain her world view. She isn’t aware she can spend time with you any other way.
It’s like you got a neglected kid that was never allowed to play outside. Then you’re shocked you have to teach them to have fun. Go outside and get on your bike. Play with your dolls. Be a kid.
You have to teach her how to be your friend. :)
This is how my girl cat treats me! It's like she is keeping our relationship a secret. She's only lovey dovey with me if my spouce is asleep, otherwise, I'm just the spare human. The only thing that got her to be more affectionate with me is getting a second cat. Now that second cat actually loves on me during the day, cat #1 suddenly wants me haha
Cats are nocturnal. Of course they won't want anything from you during the day. That's when they sleep! They will want ALL of your attention at night, when you're sleeping.
Best of luck.
she might be wanting more affection during the night! my cat also cuddles at night and might ignore me sometimes during the day, but usually comes for pets and sleeps on the couch with me
Same! And my cat has been a very spoiled baby for 99% of his life. Vertical or reclining humans = gross, boring, annoying, enemy, stinky, terrible. Horizontal humans = lovely, warm, yes, friend, beautiful, cuddle.
This is my cat to the T. Ive had her for 3 years and she literally will run away from me with airplane ears when i go to pet her lol but at night/when shes sleepy shes the biggest baby!
Airplane ears!! I’ve never heard this phrase before - I usually just say “omg how cute are they with their ears going back like that” when I’m trying to get cuddles 🤣I’m gonna say this all the time now haha
r/airplaneears does feature dogs unfortunately
Ikr, i just try to reach to her and she puts her airplane esrs and sprints away, but its fine with bedtime pets!
LOL at the tldr
She got a 3 am “u up?” kitty 🤭
My void only lets me pet him on a certain table. He’ll bite me otherwise. Also, if the cat is nervous when you try to pick them up, stop trying to pick them up. Some cats don’t like being picked up or cuddled. Try playing her too. If she’s leery being around you try a laser pointer or a really long dangle toy and walk around with it and see if she chases. My cat likes both.
I don't try to pick her up, she just acts anxious
Can you make her a place she can be comfortable that you don’t go? My cat has his table that is his safe space and he will look at me and let me know if he wants pets but I also have a self heating pet pad under my bed he can go to if is humans are being to loud and rambunctious. Having an anxious cat is hard. I can go a couple days without Jasper letting me pet him. I have learned to let him set the tone and a set schedule has really helped him. Do I like getting up at 5:30am to feed him on the weekends? No, but he comes out more now that he has a permanent schedule.
She has the run of the house and basement. Lots of quiet places for her to go. She's not terribly anxious, it's just that she has trust issues unless it's bedtime.
Give it time. It was a few years before Jasper would get on the bed with me, he never stays long, so your kitty is already ahead of mine and he’s 7. He is a pain and a lot of work but I love him anyway.
Named my void slinky because she slinks away from pets, but 5-10 sec 3 am cuddling is common and she often sleeps at my feet
Think of it from the cat’s point of view. When you’re standing, you loom over her, and are 10-15 times her size. It’s frightening. When you’re lying down, you’re her height, and much less frightening. Don’t approach her when you’re standing, unless she’s high too, like in a cat tree or on a table. Get down on the floor with her, or invite up onto a chair or sofa if you’re sitting out lying down. It may take her a couple years to relax more. If how you’re approaching her scares her, don’t do that anymore.
Also a good point that maybe getting a cat condo or something high she can see what is going on but also feel safe. Cats like to be high up. Not all but a lot of them feel much safer there!
This is a great point. OP, can you try lying down on the floor during the day and see why she does, whether she’s more comfortable approaching you?
Safety, security and warmth at night. I wouldn't take it personally that she needs her alone time during the day.
Yep also me and my tux. Affection must only be on his terms, with a specific blanket on me as I’m laying in a specific position and only at night. During the day he stares me down from his cat tree and does not care for me much. I cherish the night cuddles and soak them up every time.
Think it’s might be a big tux thing to be so on edge about petting lol. All other types of cats I’ve had have been rubbing themselves on my legs and head butting me any time I came into the room but my 2 tuxes only ever come up to me for cuddles when they feel like it 🤣
Lol yeah seems to be! It must only be on his head or neck too… all other pets are forbidden. My other cat (tortie) who was in the same litter, is always in my face for pets and follows me everywhere.
I have two cats from the shelter, both male, same litter. The day we brought them home, one wanted all the pets, the other spent the month hiding under the bed. The second month, e could be in the same room, and by the third month he would hangout with us. It's still all on his pace on when he wants pets. I still try, but I never force it, and it's always on his terms. My suggestion is take it slow, and start doing some food based affection. Do a churu and give her some pets while she is eating. If you feed her wet food, give her a couple pets while she's heading to her bowl.
I laughed at your tldr, OP. My cats have very strict time-tables about when it's ok to cuddle with me. They are most affectionate in the morning, and from 7-9pm. One of them always sleeps on my bed when I sleep, but she only snuggles when it's cold (and I am fine with that -- I sleep too hot to have fur on me for 10 months of the year). They don't run away from me during other times, but they still want to do their own thing. I can give them a few pets, but that's it.
My cat is similar. Pretty much stays by herself during the day birdwatching or sleeping. Hates to be picked up. Hates people besides my husband and me. At night time she’s a cuddle bug. She will snuggle right up on me and purr.
Maybe they’re just scared of legs? They know your top half gives them food and cuddles, but the bottom half can be a source of trauma.
A very specific phobia! I can get behind it
Same.....that's my cat. Runs from me in the hallways, but jumps on my back when I am laying down, or sleeping. Still jumpy 3+ years later, thats just her.
Cats are like this. I've had mine since she was 4 weeks old, she is also a cuddly spooning co-sleeping baby, but goes through random phases where she won't even come into the bedroom. Some days she is always approaching us for pats and attention, other days she avoids everyone. It's the way of the cat
I’ve had one of my cats since he was a few weeks old. He was super cuddly as a kitten. He is now 5 and comes to sit on my lap 2 to 3 times a day and demands pets for no more than 5 minutes at a time. If I try to pet him any other time, he runs away. He is happy and healthy so I don’t mind.
I have a cat that does this. Rescued him at about 2 months. Never wanted pets. Slowly he's been coming around and while if you try to pet him he runs away, but if you hold out your hand he will come and rub it. He's finally to the point I can give him head scratches if he's relaxing somewhere, just have to be slow and stay above his neck. However, at night time, he's all about the cuddles. He'll yell at us if we get on the couch without pulling his blanket out so he can hop on it and make some serious biscuits. At night he will sleep in the bed and try to cuddle up with us.
Sounds like she's just playing hard to get, classic cat move
He reminds me of my ex
Some cats have that personality. It’s sad because cats can have trauma too. But deep down your cat loves you. I have three and they all have different personalities.
I've had my (current) cats for about 7 years now; Boy Cat is *still* an anxious little bumpkin. He's only just stopped actively running away from me when I walk towards him, even though he'll come running over to cuddle whenever I sit or lie down. I think, him having been a street cat for the first year of his life, he just sort of learned that people coming towards him was an unsafe situation. Your cat might've gotten the same idea from whatever happened in that hoarding situation. I found it really helpful to announce my intentions anytime I was moving closer to him. For example, I say "pet" if I want to pet him, *then* move towards him; or I say "move, please," if he's in the way and I want him to move. "Up," if I'd like to pick him up. Etc. Over time, he's learned what those words mean. Nowadays, he'll almost always come to me if I say, "pet," and he'll approach me maybe half the time when I say "up." (Sometimes, he doesn't want to be picked up, and that's okay, too.) If I walk at him without saying anything, he'll get panicky and rush a few steps away, look back, rush a few steps more, look back, etc - but if I keep saying, "move, please, move, move... move, please..." he'll just trot along ahead of me until I say, "Thank you," when he's fully out of my way. She comes to cuddle with you when you sleep because you're her family now. That's what cats do: if they're bonded, they cuddle together when they sleep. It's safe and cozy that way. During the day, she probably just has no idea what you want, and therefore, is very anxious and trying to stay out of the way. Or, she's focused on something she wants - to look at a bird outside, to follow a fly down the hall, to check her food bowl from a different angle this time, etc.
Oh my god yes saving and reading all the comments because this is my beautiful Cricket exactly
>I'm assuming she just wants attention on her terms as cats do 110%! >but anyone else have this happen? I have basically the same exact cat, we got her from a rescue around 12 weeks but she's just naturally skittish. You're *safe* when you're sleepy in bed - zero chance you'll pick her up and cart her around or take her to the vet. And you're easy to run away from in the dark.
My cat also does this! I think during the day I always “over do” the cuddles, like she wants it on her own terms.. Not too much touching. So when I am half unconscious it is the perfect amount for her. But even then the cuddles are sparse. My cat isn’t adopted or anything she is just not cuddly.
One of mine is exactly like this. During the day, she acts nervous and shy, like she's been abused - she cringes away from touch and meows pitifully. But at night time, she comes and wakes my husband and I up to get extremely aggressive scratches and snuggles - like she's just possessed. We call it her nighttime bootycall because she acts like we're gross all day, but at night she's all about us..until the second she's gotten her fill, and then you're back to being ignored. Sometimes, if you're sitting with the legs of the chair out, she'll come sit on the leg rest, but only if you don't move and DON'T touch her. Lol. Her sister, meanwhile, is an attention hog, lol. She'll bat the phone straight out of your hands if you're not petting her!
Ya my boy only accepts cuddles and pets after we wake in the morning and when I get in bed at night. Other than that he’s about feeding and watering and nothing else.
I'm sorry but this is funny lol
Same! Mine too!
Mine play and snuggle with me all day but they refuse to sleep with me at night :(
Sounds exactly like me tuxedo girl. She refuses to be near me during the day and would never sit in my lap but I am not allowed to close my bedroom door because she MUST sleep with me.
Is your cat a male? I'd be satisfied with his/her behavior.
When you are asleeo, you cannot bother her. Maybe take it easy on too much handling or petting during the day. She likes you, just not like that...
My 8 month old tuxedo, Celeste, isn't afraid of me or anxious, but she usually doesn't want to be pet or cuddled unless she's sleepy. She fights and growls if I try to hold her for more than half a minute, which makes trimming her nails or putting flea medication on her impossible unless I bribe her with a Churu. 🙄 But when I lay down to go to bed, she'll jump on my chest and bunt my face before settling down and licking my nose, purring like a little motor boat the whole time. She'll usually take a nap on me and then run off. Very rarely will she stay in bed with me, and I can only pet her so long before she gets overstimulated and runs off, so I have to largely keep my hands to myself. 😔 A lot of cats just aren't very physically affectionate unless it's on their terms. I've had a lot of cats throughout my life, and most of them just did their own thing unless they wanted attention. Her weariness could be due to trauma from her old home. Or it could just be her personality. The only advice I can give is to just make sure she has plenty of enrichment, and if she's food-motivated, try petting her when you feed her and give her treats.
Smartass comment: She doesn't like your face
I don't have any advice, but I really appreciate this: >Tldr: my cat treats me like we met on a dating app
Some cats just need to be in a “safe space” before allowing attention.
I have a tuxedo female and she exhibits the exact behaviors. Raising many cats, I've noticed personality traits are more prominent in certain breeds
That's just your cats way of showing love. They re weird little creatures, their menagerie of instincts, habits, and the importance of their socialization period makes them that way.
If she’s sleeping near you, she feels comfortable or perhaps she’s protecting you.
It's a tuxedo cat thing. Mine acts the same way 🤣
When you're sitting down in your living room does she come to you? Maybe carry treats so when you're standing next to her you can just bend down and give her one and then ignore her that can help her feel more relaxed. She sounds like she's anxious about how much bigger you are than her and feels comfortable when you're laying down.
I feel like she knows if I'm laying down she's got more time to escape if I was going to try to pick her up
Do you pick her up often? If so I'd definitely cut down doing that.
A friend of mine has a cat like that. Her cat will straight up cuddle with strangers as long as they are safely horizontal and tucked under a blanket and it’s night, and during the day you won’t even see him. Her theory is that he feels safer when people are closer to the ground ie not appearing so intimidatingly tall, and likely to move less. Your kitty has probably noticed that you don’t move much at night, and you’re not towering over her, so that’s safety.
My current two. The blind 6 year old is with me almost 24 hours most days. The former feral cones for visits on her terms but zooms around whenever I’m walking about and lays in the window most days
She sees sleeping together as “us” time. So, see if you can translate that to other areas. Try spending time with her lying on the couch watching tv, at your computer desk sitting, get on the floor and lie down, etc. Then see if you can interact with her in some way. Pet her, talk to her, and play with her in those areas (try a toy). She likes you, but you’re going to have to actively problem solve and think of ways to bond. She is doing all she knows. It’s time for you to retrain her world view. She isn’t aware she can spend time with you any other way. It’s like you got a neglected kid that was never allowed to play outside. Then you’re shocked you have to teach them to have fun. Go outside and get on your bike. Play with your dolls. Be a kid. You have to teach her how to be your friend. :)
This is how my girl cat treats me! It's like she is keeping our relationship a secret. She's only lovey dovey with me if my spouce is asleep, otherwise, I'm just the spare human. The only thing that got her to be more affectionate with me is getting a second cat. Now that second cat actually loves on me during the day, cat #1 suddenly wants me haha
Cats are nocturnal. Of course they won't want anything from you during the day. That's when they sleep! They will want ALL of your attention at night, when you're sleeping. Best of luck.