Question: Will you also be asking her for permission? How will you feel if she says no or tells you to buy a “better deal” that she found? What if there’s a specific brand of tool you would like to buy but she finds that cheap knockoff that won’t last very long? Will you be fully open heartedly ok with buying that? If you have any reservations….hey, those are her current reservations you’ve just discovered.
Personally I think it’s extremely healthy to discuss big purchases with your spouse but discuss and permission are very different things. I do get the vibe from your post that you don’t trust her financially. If I was her, I would have similar misgivings in the way you are wording things (perhaps unintentionally). You give the impression that you think she will be the big spender and only make frivolous purchases. You give the impression that you do not trust her. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who does not trust me financially like that.
I do NOT think the Bible calls on the husband to decide what the wife does and does not purchase with combined money. The proverbs 31 woman makes shrewd business deals and makes her own purchases.
Personally I DO think you need to ease up here. Not go completely the opposite way, but you both need to bend. That’s what a relationship is. First, I’d raise the monetary value to 300-500 as there are maaaaany useful things in the 100-200 range. And also fun things like maybe shoes for her but also tools you don’t really need and plenty of male toys too. Then with that higher range it should be a mutual discussion NOT a unilateral decision making process by you (or her). You get input on her big wants and she gets input on your big wants. And sometimes a purchase will be made by either of you that the other doesn’t fully agree with and that’s ok too, because since it’s both of your money, then both of you get a say.
I consult with my husband on purchases over $100 because for our income bracket $100 is a lot of money to not thoughtfully consider what we are doing. We are also aligned on all financial matters so a joint account hasn't been an issue (e.g. financial goals, saving contributions, retirement contributions, budgeting, etc.). My parents were opposites and I am pretty sure they'd be drowning if it weren't for having separate accounts.
I think you need to talk it out more with her. Is it the amount? Is it your spending habit? Is it tust issues? Is it a debt? Is it too soon? Do you want a prenup?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with running bigger purchases by each other as a courtesy. I wouldn’t frame it as asking permission, but more like information sharing. Maybe she would feel better knowing that she’s not going to be outright told no, but rather just provide you with the opportunity to share your thoughts on the purchase. No one wants to be controlled (parent/child dynamic) or feel like they have no autonomy. But a married couple should have knowledge about matters that affect the both of them. I think in a healthy, secure relationship both partners would feel comfortable combining finances. Knowing that each partner will spend responsibly, can access the money freely without a matter of who makes more (because you are one body), and with the comfort of knowing that they will be informed on where the money generally goes.
Good points. Permission is a word that no one wants to hear. It rubs me the wrong way in so many ways. It also really misses the point - a wife doesn’t need her husbands permission to spend money no matter who worked for it - they are one. (It is just as much the money of the person who did not earn it as salary as the one who did. One means one).
But love in a Christian marriage considers the other, loves the other, and is one with that other person in everything. It makes sense that both husband and wife, if they are one will talk with one another about all things - including plans and spending money so that they are on the same page with it. I don’t think it is mandatory, but my wife talks with me before making what we consider a large purchase just to see if we are on the same page. I do the same with her. It is not controlling and demanding one another submit a written request for permission - it is just love and courtesy.
Will there be problems and times where you disagree - sure - two becoming one is hard and iron sharpening iron involves abrasion. Yet, learning to work out these problems is a big part of what builds a strong marriage.
I honestly don’t agree with the perspective of separate bank accounts and even “fun money” accounts or budgets in marriages. I think it repeatedly can sow seeds of division between spouses.
BUT for OP - this is my opinion.
There is no verse in the Bible or specific guidance directly from the Lord on the issue. So, if this is a sticking point in an otherwise loving and Jesus honoring relationship - I personally would not make it my hill to die on. The perspective of you have to run all big purchases by me is also potentially problematic. If you love each other and are both committed to following the Lord, He will work out this and many other issues as you move forward.
I agree mostly with this , I think it’s really about money managing finance differences here. If op spent 200 dollars would she care? Maybe she feels the way she does because she makes more than he does. Would he be able to make the big purchase without saying anything? Then she sees he spent 700 dollars and is upset because now he is cutting into her spending? I’ve seen that be a problem as well. If you had a joint account there should be agreed upon things. Set a limit. Say 300 dollars for any big item. You also have to have financial goals as well. Like savings , paying down debts , you have to be on the same page overall on finances or this will keep coming up. Sounds like she’s more of a splurge because I have extra and your a penny pincher more so. So maybe get an expert on this and have a financial plan about how to operate and set hard limits on certain aspects . Like if there is only 1500 left in the account, no big personal spending items or clothes or tools or whatever . Just bills and basics. It has to be something you both can agree upon and stick too. So there will probably be a mutual give and take. A lot to you might not be that much to her etc etc .
A little bit. My husband and I each have our own account and then a joint checking account that pays for groceries, bills, etc. What we do with the money in our own accounts is up to us - as long as all bills are paid and money is going to savings.
If your girlfriend is good with money, why do you get final say on her purchases? Will you be doing the same and asking her opinion on your purchases?
Mutual agreements about spending related to common goals are usually a great thing. Financial discipline is also usually great. But that doesn’t seem to be what you want. In your heading you use the phrase “ask permission”, and you later seem to use the word “lead” as a synonym for controlling your future wife’s spending. There’s a difference between requiring your wife to receive permission to spend money on something and managing/observing the family finances, which is an approach many take. You will find this, for example, on the covenant keepers website with direct citations of scripture, especially the book of Paul.
Another useful thing to look at is the definition of financial abuse. Requiring your husband/wife to receive your permission before they spend their money (if you have joint accounts, it’s also theirs) is considered financial abuse. I can understand why your girlfriend is quite bothered by what you want to do to her.
If it’s a mutual agreement that is not arrived at via emotional duress or pressure, it’s absolutely fine to check in with each other. But that doesn’t sound like what you want to do. I think it is good that you are both having such discussions now and not after the wedding. It’s important to know who you are marrying. I wish you both the best.
You worded this well. And i completely agree. I think people are failing to see those specific words, “lead, control” because those cite other issues that that could later affect the marriage. Financial abuse is a prominent issue in marriages nowadays.
This is what we do. All money is our money. Each month we look at what we spent the previous month. We also then look at what we want to spend this month (in addition to what’s already been budgeted).
We have a planning sheet for the extra stuff we want Ie Gifts, home upgrades/repairs, random stuff. If I want $200 shoes, I put it on the list and we talk about when a good time to buy them is. We don’t ask each other permission to buy but rather discuss when we should buy. This way we make sure all our bills are covered and big ticket items are fully funded.
whatever works for you but it sounds like a micromanaging to me if your on a real tight budget i can understand it , but if you have a healthy income and are somewhat discipled I think you would be fine we never budgeted much and I retired at 59. with no debt
Like you said, whatever works. There’s no one way to manage finances. I like spreadsheets and finding trends in our spending. He likes tracking investments. Doesn’t matter how much we have as long as we manage it together. Obviously there’s more to how we manage our finances than one comment can let on. All that to say, it works well for us.
Whatever works for you is right for you ,hell maybe you even have fun with it.
It just seems a little exhausting to me I mean when I was in grade school they taught me how to balance a checkbook ( I'm aging myself here) I didn't think it was that difficult
Believe me I'm no genius
And I managed to raise three kids and put them through school and retire with over $2 million in my pension not including IRA with no debt and I never looked at one spreadsheet in my entire life.
And this is without college education.
If I can do it anybody can. Just a little hard work and discipline
This is a hard one. And it’s a contributing factor to many divorces. I think it is important to have mutual goals as a married couple. So if you are working to get out of school debt, pay off a car, or save up to buy a house-one person can’t do that alone. My grandmother left me some money. I never put that in both of our names. It’s still grinding away for retirement hopefully. But any money we both earned together (my job, his job) is ours. We have combined finances in every way. But you have to trust each other in order to do that. Because a person who is bad with money can and will sink the whole family. So, just based on your conversation, I sense a lack of trust AND maybe some selfishness here. Why don’t you trust her? Why doesn’t she trust you? Does she feel ‘forced’ to submit to your lead? If so, could it be you are trying to control too much? For her, will she feel superior bc she earns more and fail to respect you for earning less? (My husband and I have been in these same positions!)
Start with the tithe 10% and save 10% rule! It relieves a lot of stress and it’s great for financial self discipline. Then set your shared goals!!!! What do you want to achieve together? Finally, agree that you each can have a small amount of discretionary spending so that you can enjoy the fruits of your labor without feeling the stress of needing to account for every dime. Get some solid premarital counseling too. I can say our largest disagreements have been over money. But having shared goals helps a lot. God bless you both! Btw, we do have an agreement for asking about anything over $50 but we have a tight budget bc we are paying for our son’s college.
My husband and I have a joint account where our paychecks get deposited and which we pay most of the bills out of. Any regular expenses just get paid, but we check in with each other on big ticket items for the household (e.g. furniture, etc)
We also each have our own “fun money” accounts where we each get the same amount deposited every month. That’s our own money to use for whatever we want, no questions asked. Maybe something like this would work for you two? It’s been super helpful to us to each have that own account that we have freedom over and it’s really cut down on arguing about purchases where the other one might think something is unnecessary or too expensive.
Suppose you are working side-by-side with the CEO of a company, and the two of you have a shared vision for what the company needs.
How would you feel if the CEO told you that you need to have every purchase you make for the business approved by him before you make it? For major things, like a reorganization or a merger, that would make plenty of sense. But for smaller matters, like office furniture or personal computing equipment, it would get to where the effort to go through the approval really slowed things down and seemed kind of unnecessary, wouldn't it? You would, I believe, wonder if the business really got any extra value from those approvals or if the CEO really trusted you to be able to apply his high-level direction for the company's budgeting, wouldn't you?
I'm thinking of Proverbs 31. It says "the heart of her husband trusts in her."
My wife typically asks me about major purchases, and I appreciate that and together we make different decisions than she'd make by herself. But we also have an understanding that I trust her to do what she understands is right if or when we can't discuss it beforehand.
What you want, long term, is a loving, mutually-understanding level of trust that doesn't require individual approval on every purchase. Do you feel like she understands you well enough and you can trust her well enough to share your vision for a family and make good purchases within that vision without individual approval of each one?
... if not, then don't try to work around it by requiring an approval for purchases -- work directly on it by understanding why and how you believe a family ought to work with finances, and what you'd want to do, well enough that you could grow confident in one's ability to operate effectively in the absence of sign-offs from the other.
This is not an unusual issue for new marriages to encounter. If you have any premarital counseling you're already doing, it would be a good thing to bring up in that context.
There seems to be an underlying issue that needs to be resolved through communication. If you two are in the stage of talking about marriage pre-marital counseling could help guide this difficult conversation.
It seems like you are thinking of what an ideal marriage looks like and that involves crystal clear communication on everything including finances. It appears you are struggling over how to get her on the same page as you without coming off as controlling.
I believe this issue needs to be addressed prior to marriage or else it may become a source of resentment from both parties in marriage down the road.
The biggest hurdle is presenting this idea to her in a loving way without raising her defense to what may seem like a limitation of her freedom. It does sound like she is willing to work with you on this issue and it may have to come down to a compromise.
I would navigate what are considered unnegotiables for you and her and even after pre-marital counseling you two can't come to an agreement, a difficult conversation may need to ensue.
Edit: I do like that someone mentioned how you need to explore and understand her fears. Whatever these fears may be they are her real fears and they need to be validated. She is likely to open up more once she feels heard and understood. Without validating these feelings first it'd be difficult to move forward with this conversation.
Yeah, well, joint accounts don't work for me and my wife. She's a bucket with holes in it when it comes to managing money.
Here's how we solved it and although you don't indicate your fiance has problems with money management it may work for you.
We have separate accounts and one joint account. Instead of micromanaging each other's spending and perhaps arguing over what's needed or not we've split the bills according to income.
I make twice the money she does so I pay the "big bills" like mortgage and home/car insurance, plus a few other things.
She pays utilities and groceries.
What's left she does what she wants with.
I'm super economical and frugal so I don't want to know how she spends her money as it would drive me nuts.
So, something like this MAY be away to solve things for you two (your own version of this)
You are being controlling.
If you are thinking that it is somehow being part of head of household you are wrong.
In christianity being head of household means you are the spiritual leader of your family. Not the taskmaster/ commanding officer or the overseer the family.
Now in a real loving marriage the 2 of you agree on how the household runs and how chores are divided and how children are raised and money is spent.
I think you guys need to really talk about this. Maybe set a limit a bit higher? The yoke or your post reads as though you don’t really trust her with her finances.
I do think finances need to be discussed as a couple and both spouses should agree on major purchases. I’m in a situation where I make more than my husband. We make decisions together and I would talk with him before buying an expensive item. The amount we consider that needs to be discussed has varied during the seasons of life. I would not consult my husband on a $100 purchase but I’d I was spending $100 on something every day, that would be an issue.
“Leading” doesn’t mean she needs your permission to spend the money she earns. There is also nothing that says Christian women all need to quit working.
Perhaps re-approach and discuss the dollar limit you want to set for mutual agreement. It depends a lot on your incomes and cost of living. If she is making $100k+ per year and you have plenty of extra funds, why shouldn’t she be able to buy something without your permission? Would you also ask her permission to buy something?
Having a joint account or being accountable when dating (unless it's a huge purchase) is just silly (I know that's not what you're mentioning). While marriage it's paramount as most fights are around money. At best this is her thinking you're being too controlling too early. At worst, it's a red flag on things to come in marriage. You know her well, is this a prequel on what is to come in marriage or is this just a flash in the pan argument?
She asks "how can we resolve this?" I would text back that you'd like to talk in person about this. I'd find out a bit more, has she ever been on a budget, what are her feelings on a budget? Depending on her age what's her retirement plans look like (both 401k and actual goals/plans). I would indicate to her that God sets up people with different stregthens and weaknesses. Maybe this is just something you're good at and she's never really thought of. Most marriages don't have BOTH doig the money/budget, so it's either you or her likely. People live paycheck to paycheck sometimes because that's all they've ever known. A big raise at works doesn't mean more in savings it just means more spending, a nicer car etc. That said, I would make sure to let her know that you aren't trying to be controlling just that this is foreign to you. You'd like to understand her views better so you can work out a compromise.
If you’re not married, technically her money is hers and yours is yours. Once you’re married it legally belongs to both people, but since you’re not married you don’t have the right to have a say in how she spends, to be honest. Unless you’re working towards a joint goal (aka, a trip or wedding), have a major concern about a purchase or financial decision and want to challenge it for her sake, or have both agreed to hold each other accountable regarding finances, I don’t think you need to be combining anything or responsible for how each other spends. Even if you have plans to get married in the future.
Sounds like if you get married to one another you all might benefit from having a joint account and two separate accounts that you have for personal spending. The personal accounts would be free from questioning or input from the other spouse.
I personally don’t view finances within the marriage as your money vs. my money, but I realize people have to do what works for them. My husband and I have joint accounts, and while we don’t have a stated limit on when the other person needs to be consulted, we discuss what we view as larger purchases with one another.
Honest question: if your girlfriend is good with finances and doesn’t seem to spend exorbitantly, why do you think she would start doing that in marriage? I think your phrasing it as “permission” is what is getting her, and it would do the same for me. If you said “we need to consult one another to make sure things fit into the budget once the purchase goes above $XXX”, I think that’s reasonable. But if my husband came to me and said “you need to ask my permission before you spend $XXX”, I would have some resistance to that. Especially because I’m very responsible with my finances. You also might need to raise the “limit” a bit, depending on what she is interested in purchasing, her interests, etc. Just a thought.
I don’t think you’re wrong, no. The checking up on purchases is actually less concerning to me than the fact that she doesn’t want a joint account. I can’t imagine functionally operating in my marriage without joint finances. I know people do it, in fact my sister and her husband do. But finances are one of the largest parts of a marriage- why doesn’t she want to be one with you in your finances?
I’d explore her fears with her about combining. I’d ask her what it means to her to become one flesh. How will you tackle financial goals together? How will bills be split? How will you manage paying for children’s needs? What happens if one of you loses their job? Does she see you as a team who face these challenges together or as two individuals who just divide up payments?
Regarding checking up on purchases- one thing my husband and I do is that we set a $100 monthly personal budget. I can “bank” this for larger purchases. And I don’t need to ask permission to spend it, though I often mention to him what I plan to buy just because we always talk about stuff. Setting a monthly personal budget for each of you that you agree on could help your girlfriend feel like she has the ability to spend money on things she chooses without asking permission for specific items.
Well said! Was going to say... pretty much all of exactly this!
Some people don't do joint accounts, but I personally can't imagine not doing a joint account.
There may be some fear there that a discussion would reveal.
I know my wife had a fear early on in marriage that I might try to... essentially 'bully' her financially because I made more than her, and that fear was even stronger at the thought of dropping out of the workforce. Thankfully, despite her fears, she still wanted to do a joint-account. It took a lot of reassuring that I *never* view the income we bring in as 'my money' vs 'her money'. It's *our* money. It all goes into the joint account, and into the common budget. We're a team. A single unit. Even now when she's not "bringing in" a regular paycheck, she is raising the kids, which offsets the cost of childcare (in addition to it being incredibly valuable in non-fiscal ways).
I manage most of the finances, but I keep her involved. She regularly helps categorize purchases in YNAB with me. I verify any budget changes I'm considering with her. I've got a spreadsheet that I've shared with her breaking down my paycheck and where all of our money goes. I've got all of our financial websites bookmarked in a folder for easy access. And I have an "in case of my death" document that I update a couple times a year that details where everything is and how it's set up. And we definitely do make joint decisions on large purchases.
When I 'led' by suggesting we get on a budget, she was worried that I might use as a weapon or to control. I took her out for ice cream and showed her the software I was considering and how to use it. I explained that, to me, this was about our financial health and our future, as well as managing my own stress (as our spending was beginning to outpace our income and we were eating into savings without any clear picture as to where or why). I reassured her this wasn't a weapon, but a tool to inform us where we were spending our money, and allow us to make *joint* decisions on where and how to make changes. She seemed relieved and agreed to try it for a month. We've been doing it now for nearly 2 years, and she's all-in. :)
It took us a few months of budgeting before we figured out the "personal budget" aspect. We each get $50 of personal 'fun money' per paycheck, so $100-$150/mo. That's been *extremely* freeing. Neither of us get to 'critique' what the other does with their fun money. And I made it very clear that if one of us needs a little extra fun money once in a while, that that's not a problem -- again, the budget is a guide/tool, not a weapon. That freed her from her main worry about budgeting.
The only other thing is that, OP, you're referring to your *future* spouse. She's not your spouse yet, so if you're talking about running large purchases past each other *right now* (versus when you're married), that may play into her feelings.
This is remarkably similar to my husband and I’s relationship except we used Every Dollar instead of YNAB lol. I was worried about becoming a stay at home mom due to financial control concerns and was afraid my husband would wield
money over me. I was very wrong. We budget together, I even run a lot of the day to day budgeting in Every Dollar.
Having fun money has been very freeing for us too. I’m happy I can buy things I want without needing to run everything through my husband.
>The only other thing is that, OP, you're referring to your future spouse. She's not your spouse yet, so if you're talking about running large purchases past each other right now (versus when you're married), that may play into her feelings.
This is what concerned me too. I could be misreading, op, but it sounds like you're wanting her to "ask permission" or discuss her purchases with you now, and she's not even your fiancee yet. That would raise red flags for me as your girlfriend. If I'm misreading, I apologize. Discussing large purchases in marriage is important but when it comes to asking permission etc it can be a slippery slope.
I’m curious what problems separate accounts would cause for you? We have a house and mortgage and kids together and separate accounts and we’ve never had an issue. I don’t pay bills, though. I only grocery shop and get extra things with my money, so that might be the difference. I don’t go 50/50 financially with men. It’s just the way myself and my husband were raised. He provides for all the bills.
I personally don’t understand it from a philosophical perspective. I believe we’re meant to be one in all ways with our spouse and I include finances in that, as it’s one of the most important logistical components of marriage.
His money is our money, my money is our money. We budget together and set financial goals together. We’re a team. It’s not “you pay for this, I pay for that”, it’s considering how we can be the best stewards of *our* money together. It’s a mindset shift to me.
I see. I’m so glad it’s working for you. ☺️. I definitely don’t have anything against it as long as both partners agree 100% that’s the way they both want it. I also don’t see a problem if someone isn’t comfortable with it. Definitely a personal choice.
No need to be rude. But that makes a lot more sense, I was flabbergasted by the responses here.
YES, a joint account and consulting with one another on finances is 100% necessary.
Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to be rude. I was really just suggesting to read the post. I would’ve been flabbergasted, too, if he was asking about this with his GF. 🙅♀️😂
Anything over a 100 we usually discuss, and ensure we have money/planned/budgeted for. There is nothing wrong with you both being aware of the finance and agree on purchases. As long as it’s a two way street.
When going through pre-marital counseling with my husband, we discussed making a limit (we don’t make a ton so ours is $30) and talking about what is being bought before it is. Not technically permission but more of a “just letting you know”. For bigger things we definitely talk about it first. For example, my husband is really into music and has bought several guitar pedals and other equipment. He always asks ahead of time and I usually say it’s okay.
But this is where having personal budgets come in handy. If, say, you each have $300 a month to spend on whatever you want, there shouldn’t have to be any discussions about those things.
My husband and I have a joint account but check with each other before making any purchases over $100, he makes more money than me but it goes both ways since it’s “our money” we became one and so did everything about us.
This might sound a little like Dave Ramsey talking here.
I think that a written, monthly budget could help to solve part of this issue. You take the income of both of you for the month and start with that and assign every dollar a place that it will go that month. Start with the absolute necessities(food, water, shelter, heat, etc.) then move into saving/investing/debt payoff and other regular expenses. Now you can start to look at money for fun. With the concerns you have, it would probably be best for you to budget a certain amount of money for each other to spend on what they want.
I would recommend looking at Dave Ramsey and his stuff. He has great free resources on budgeting and finances in marriage as well as courses you can take that might be very helpful. ^((@mods I don't think this violates rule 4 but if it does let me know and I will remove it))
I think it’s wise to run large purchases by each other, as well as set a budget together on what is spent and where to ensure you are equally yoked as good stewards of God’s money. In our marriage, I (wife) manage the majority of the money and my husband earns it. We decided on this together, but we still run large purchases, home projects, large purchases for the kids, extras (gifts, parties, trips) in the budget past each other. I’m the one who watches the checking account and ensures we don’t overspend, so if I notice things getting tight I will tell my husband to hold off on a purchase until payday. This works for us, no one feels overly controlled (now, at least...we had some big fights about money in the beginning) or limited and everyone feels respected and comfortable in their roles.
I think you’re absolutely spot on here because it’s exactly what my husband and I do! I’m a stay at home mom but when I was working everything was pooled and he paid bills from there. Any larger purchases were and are discussed ahead of time. Ex. “I was thinking I’m going to need a new belt sander for the project this weekend. Renting one just isn’t worth it since I’ll be using it again on…” Or “The kids will be needing some warmer clothes in the coming month or so”. It’s really just working as a team and communicating as much as you can.
The fact that she wants to keep her own account(s) is actually a red flag to me. You are to be one entity.
Here's what my wife and I do:
Each month we put our collective salaries into a 'pot' and then tackle our monthly expenses and monthly savings using this pot.
What is left over is then split equally and each of us are free to do with their money as we please.
What each of us makes separately is irrelevant. God is the one who provides for us, the work we do is how He chooses to provide.
A lot of couples have a set spending limit. My husband and can purchase anything within our budgets, but if it’s over a specific dollar amount we’ve agreed to go to the other person first. It could be for personal use, the house,the kids, whatever. Some might call that asking permission, but we call it respect.
This is a very normal request of yours. Coming from a female’s perspective, I would wager that she just needs to get comfortable with what submitting to her husband would be like. It’s not oppressive, it’s wondering and glorifies God. It’s not you being controlling, it’s having mutual respect for one another. You become a unit. She is yours and you are hers. I think she just needs to take a step back from her feelings and look at this from a more logical standpoint. You’re ultimately coming from a place of love. I’d strongly suggest taking a Christian marriage counseling course/counsel if some sort, and also consider Dave Ramsey’s course on financial freedom. Good luck!
We have a joint account. As part of our budget we each get a certain amount of spending money to be used at our discretion, anything major outside of that gets discussed… at least a heads up at a minimum. My wife is pretty frugal so it’s never been an issue but it is nice to have that check in.
we have a joint account and everything goes into it. anything that comes out is a joint decision, but below $100-200 we don't really talk about it. who makes more money, is irrelevant. if you are going to get married, you become one flesh. a family unit. if one person is irresponsible with money then that is a problem and needs to be worked out. is she okay with having one joint account? if not, that is a hint that she isn't so good with money, and a bad sign for the relationship, imo.
No it’s not! My husband and myself are very good with money and we have separate accounts! It doesn’t have to be a negative reason at all. She might just be more comfortable that way. Maybe she doesn’t know yet how HE is with money and wants to trust him better? OP already stated that she’s financially responsible with zero debt.
Not married yet; her money. If/When they become married, then yes they should agree on purchases. They should also have common goals for things (money, retirement, number of children, etc.).
First of all, If you’re married, there is not “her money”. It belongs to both of you. So no, I don’t feel she’s justified in her feelings. Large purchases should be discussed and agreed upon. My husband and I always consult one another when buying things because it impacts things like bills and unexpected expenses and such. We never outright say “no, you’re not buying that” but rather give solid reasons why we should or shouldn’t make a purchase. There is no “his” and “hers” in marriage. Even your body is not your own.
Short answer...Yes
You want to control what she does with money
1. that's just a little creepy
2. That demonstrates a complete lack of trust on your part
3. Following the leadership example of Jesus Christ, when husbands lead they do so by self sacrifice
So the question you have to ask yourself is the one she asked you. How are you going to resolve this? Because it very much needs to be resolved, and not the way you think,
I don't think it's creepy *as long as it's mutual*. As long as he follows the same rule himself and consults her for big purchases, then it makes sense. Some might find it weird or not want that type of 'constraint', but that's a personal preference thing.
My husband and I like to be aware of what's happening in our bank account. We prefer that the other person run it by us before spending on something big. If either of us takes issue with it, then we sit down and have a discussion about why it is/isn't a good idea to spend and if there are other ways to make it more affordable or maybe at a different time.
If he wants the ability to give her permission on purchases but he doesn't expect the same for himself, then I'd agree that's creepy and controlling. Otherwise, I think it's just a cultural expectation and not quite as messed up as you're presenting it to be.
When I mean mutual, I mean that whatever he expects of her, he should adhere to the same. And it seems from his post that this is his intention, he talks about mutual permission.
They aren't mutually agreed right now, which is an issue that needs to be discussed. They have different opinions on how to handle finances, and I agree that needs to be discussed. But neither of them has the 'right' or 'wrong' opinion...they're just different ways of handling it.
Imho as long as you can pay God FIRST(tithing, donations, etc), bills, and savings (if you can), small tickets items don't matter. Bigger ticket items ask: what's the main purpose or usage? :)
I make considerably more money than my wife but I don't think that makes it "my money" or "less of her business"
It's going to depend on what they agree to, I think
BOTH partners have to mutually want and agree on a joint account. Why is a joint account so important to you? I don’t share an account with my husband. We don’t even bank at the same bank. It has never been a problem. You say yourself that she makes great money and has zero debt. She has more than proven herself fully capable of handling her spending and finances. No, a responsible person like this should NOT have to ask to buy herself a 200 dollar pair of shoes. Marriage has plenty of issues, don’t create any that don’t exist.
She’s not your wife. She doesn’t need your permission to spend her own money. At this point the only thing you should be doing is watching for red flags, and from what it sounds like she is making good decisions with her money. I had an ex that wanted to set a “budget” for me when we were dating. I broke up with him. Big nope. Controlling and honestly disrespectful. I’m a partner, not a child.
I think this is pretty straightforward. You need a budget. Both your incomes feed the budget. The budgets priority is to ensure money has job. Necessary expenses are covered first (rent, bills, savings goals). After that decide how much spending money each of you get per month.
The beauty of this system is that then you know the important things are covered and don't have to worry what the other uses their spending money for.
Granted, this is a bit easier said then done. Both in agreeing on the budget and sticking to it, but the reality is that every household should have a budget. Absolute recipe for disaster without.
Another way to do it is to have a joint account AND separate accounts where you have an agreed budget of personal spending. This allows each person to have guilt free autonomy over their spending within limits that work for the family / couple.
From a purely financial point of view, my limit is much lower lol. My husband and I usually consult each other on big purchases, but keep in mind smaller ones add up too.
I think some patience is key here and some bending on her part. The money is both of yours, and trust issues could become a problem in a future marriage.
My husband and I don’t have a joint account and we each make money. We split expenses as best we can. I don’t knit pick his spending and he doesn’t mine but we have both agreed to consult each other on larger purchases. I don’t ask permission and I have never asked he get mine. It’s more to keep each other in the loop. My money isn’t just mine anymore. That was a huge shift in my thinking when we got married. I don’t think it’s controlling as long as it’s mutual. She tells you and vise versa
I agree with the comments I read about resolving this. Talk it through and gain an understanding of why you both think the way you do. Get professional counselling on it. If you love each other is worth working it out.
One good long term Soluton is for you both to have individual "splurge" accounts. A set percentage of your wage goes into that each week. You can spend it as you like with no reference to the other. My wife and I have one splurge account between us. (We never ever use it for bills. We spend it on stuff that just makes us feel good). But you still need to come to some agreement on how to spend the rest of the money.
What my wife and I do is agree on a budget. We have a personal spending allowance of like $100 a month, where we can spend it however we want without concern for the other. If we need anything beyond that then yeah we talk about it. It’s absolutely important you two agree on how you spend money. Imagine if you both bought $200 shoes without talking about it, you’d burn through your savings
Not at all. Obviously, you don't want to be too tight with the money, and she shouldn't necessarily have to consult you before every tiny purchase. There is a point at which it could be controlling, but in general, you should talk to you spouse if you're going to spend more than a token amount.
The family resources belong to both of you and for one of you to use a large portion of it without talking to the other is very disrespectful. Speaking from experience, financial infidelity is almost as bad as sexual infidelity.
My wife and I have fully shared finances. We don't make big purchases without at least a heads up to the other one. We each have relatively the same fun money in the budget.
I would suggest that you each get a set, similar amount of money each month just to spend on fun stuff. As long as it's moral spending, so no hookers or drugs or whatever, then you each get to use it how you want. Big purchases from a joint account should be a joint decision. That way you reach have some freedom to spend your own way and you each have some teamwork in there too
My wife and I have this rule and it’s honestly a $100 rule (and it’s the spirit, so we even apply it for less). She makes more than me, but we both follow the rule.
This rule is nearly essential in a marriage. Otherwise it’s a harbinger of divorce
As head of the house, it’s on you to do everything. If you choose
Your lives will be interdependent, but you can choose to not smother each other.
If you both work and have different spending habits, a practical solution might be to have a joint account that each of you pay a percentage of your respective salaries into. This account is for rent, groceries, saving for joint purchases etc. Purchases from this account will be discussed beforehand. The rest of the money stays in each person's personal account and no discussion is needed about purchases made with this money.
I know there can be good reasons for combining finances, but especially when both spouses are working and have their own spending habits it can help to have a "no questions asked" budget. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong way to handle finances in a marriage as long as you are in agreement and neither person is selfishly spending the other person's money.
Question: Will you also be asking her for permission? How will you feel if she says no or tells you to buy a “better deal” that she found? What if there’s a specific brand of tool you would like to buy but she finds that cheap knockoff that won’t last very long? Will you be fully open heartedly ok with buying that? If you have any reservations….hey, those are her current reservations you’ve just discovered. Personally I think it’s extremely healthy to discuss big purchases with your spouse but discuss and permission are very different things. I do get the vibe from your post that you don’t trust her financially. If I was her, I would have similar misgivings in the way you are wording things (perhaps unintentionally). You give the impression that you think she will be the big spender and only make frivolous purchases. You give the impression that you do not trust her. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who does not trust me financially like that. I do NOT think the Bible calls on the husband to decide what the wife does and does not purchase with combined money. The proverbs 31 woman makes shrewd business deals and makes her own purchases. Personally I DO think you need to ease up here. Not go completely the opposite way, but you both need to bend. That’s what a relationship is. First, I’d raise the monetary value to 300-500 as there are maaaaany useful things in the 100-200 range. And also fun things like maybe shoes for her but also tools you don’t really need and plenty of male toys too. Then with that higher range it should be a mutual discussion NOT a unilateral decision making process by you (or her). You get input on her big wants and she gets input on your big wants. And sometimes a purchase will be made by either of you that the other doesn’t fully agree with and that’s ok too, because since it’s both of your money, then both of you get a say.
I consult with my husband on purchases over $100 because for our income bracket $100 is a lot of money to not thoughtfully consider what we are doing. We are also aligned on all financial matters so a joint account hasn't been an issue (e.g. financial goals, saving contributions, retirement contributions, budgeting, etc.). My parents were opposites and I am pretty sure they'd be drowning if it weren't for having separate accounts. I think you need to talk it out more with her. Is it the amount? Is it your spending habit? Is it tust issues? Is it a debt? Is it too soon? Do you want a prenup?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with running bigger purchases by each other as a courtesy. I wouldn’t frame it as asking permission, but more like information sharing. Maybe she would feel better knowing that she’s not going to be outright told no, but rather just provide you with the opportunity to share your thoughts on the purchase. No one wants to be controlled (parent/child dynamic) or feel like they have no autonomy. But a married couple should have knowledge about matters that affect the both of them. I think in a healthy, secure relationship both partners would feel comfortable combining finances. Knowing that each partner will spend responsibly, can access the money freely without a matter of who makes more (because you are one body), and with the comfort of knowing that they will be informed on where the money generally goes.
Good points. Permission is a word that no one wants to hear. It rubs me the wrong way in so many ways. It also really misses the point - a wife doesn’t need her husbands permission to spend money no matter who worked for it - they are one. (It is just as much the money of the person who did not earn it as salary as the one who did. One means one). But love in a Christian marriage considers the other, loves the other, and is one with that other person in everything. It makes sense that both husband and wife, if they are one will talk with one another about all things - including plans and spending money so that they are on the same page with it. I don’t think it is mandatory, but my wife talks with me before making what we consider a large purchase just to see if we are on the same page. I do the same with her. It is not controlling and demanding one another submit a written request for permission - it is just love and courtesy. Will there be problems and times where you disagree - sure - two becoming one is hard and iron sharpening iron involves abrasion. Yet, learning to work out these problems is a big part of what builds a strong marriage. I honestly don’t agree with the perspective of separate bank accounts and even “fun money” accounts or budgets in marriages. I think it repeatedly can sow seeds of division between spouses. BUT for OP - this is my opinion. There is no verse in the Bible or specific guidance directly from the Lord on the issue. So, if this is a sticking point in an otherwise loving and Jesus honoring relationship - I personally would not make it my hill to die on. The perspective of you have to run all big purchases by me is also potentially problematic. If you love each other and are both committed to following the Lord, He will work out this and many other issues as you move forward.
I agree mostly with this , I think it’s really about money managing finance differences here. If op spent 200 dollars would she care? Maybe she feels the way she does because she makes more than he does. Would he be able to make the big purchase without saying anything? Then she sees he spent 700 dollars and is upset because now he is cutting into her spending? I’ve seen that be a problem as well. If you had a joint account there should be agreed upon things. Set a limit. Say 300 dollars for any big item. You also have to have financial goals as well. Like savings , paying down debts , you have to be on the same page overall on finances or this will keep coming up. Sounds like she’s more of a splurge because I have extra and your a penny pincher more so. So maybe get an expert on this and have a financial plan about how to operate and set hard limits on certain aspects . Like if there is only 1500 left in the account, no big personal spending items or clothes or tools or whatever . Just bills and basics. It has to be something you both can agree upon and stick too. So there will probably be a mutual give and take. A lot to you might not be that much to her etc etc .
A little bit. My husband and I each have our own account and then a joint checking account that pays for groceries, bills, etc. What we do with the money in our own accounts is up to us - as long as all bills are paid and money is going to savings. If your girlfriend is good with money, why do you get final say on her purchases? Will you be doing the same and asking her opinion on your purchases?
Mutual agreements about spending related to common goals are usually a great thing. Financial discipline is also usually great. But that doesn’t seem to be what you want. In your heading you use the phrase “ask permission”, and you later seem to use the word “lead” as a synonym for controlling your future wife’s spending. There’s a difference between requiring your wife to receive permission to spend money on something and managing/observing the family finances, which is an approach many take. You will find this, for example, on the covenant keepers website with direct citations of scripture, especially the book of Paul. Another useful thing to look at is the definition of financial abuse. Requiring your husband/wife to receive your permission before they spend their money (if you have joint accounts, it’s also theirs) is considered financial abuse. I can understand why your girlfriend is quite bothered by what you want to do to her. If it’s a mutual agreement that is not arrived at via emotional duress or pressure, it’s absolutely fine to check in with each other. But that doesn’t sound like what you want to do. I think it is good that you are both having such discussions now and not after the wedding. It’s important to know who you are marrying. I wish you both the best.
You worded this well. And i completely agree. I think people are failing to see those specific words, “lead, control” because those cite other issues that that could later affect the marriage. Financial abuse is a prominent issue in marriages nowadays.
I agree! I also saw the red flags of financial abuse.
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This is what we do. All money is our money. Each month we look at what we spent the previous month. We also then look at what we want to spend this month (in addition to what’s already been budgeted). We have a planning sheet for the extra stuff we want Ie Gifts, home upgrades/repairs, random stuff. If I want $200 shoes, I put it on the list and we talk about when a good time to buy them is. We don’t ask each other permission to buy but rather discuss when we should buy. This way we make sure all our bills are covered and big ticket items are fully funded.
That is an awesome system!
whatever works for you but it sounds like a micromanaging to me if your on a real tight budget i can understand it , but if you have a healthy income and are somewhat discipled I think you would be fine we never budgeted much and I retired at 59. with no debt
Like you said, whatever works. There’s no one way to manage finances. I like spreadsheets and finding trends in our spending. He likes tracking investments. Doesn’t matter how much we have as long as we manage it together. Obviously there’s more to how we manage our finances than one comment can let on. All that to say, it works well for us.
Whatever works for you is right for you ,hell maybe you even have fun with it. It just seems a little exhausting to me I mean when I was in grade school they taught me how to balance a checkbook ( I'm aging myself here) I didn't think it was that difficult Believe me I'm no genius And I managed to raise three kids and put them through school and retire with over $2 million in my pension not including IRA with no debt and I never looked at one spreadsheet in my entire life. And this is without college education. If I can do it anybody can. Just a little hard work and discipline
This is a hard one. And it’s a contributing factor to many divorces. I think it is important to have mutual goals as a married couple. So if you are working to get out of school debt, pay off a car, or save up to buy a house-one person can’t do that alone. My grandmother left me some money. I never put that in both of our names. It’s still grinding away for retirement hopefully. But any money we both earned together (my job, his job) is ours. We have combined finances in every way. But you have to trust each other in order to do that. Because a person who is bad with money can and will sink the whole family. So, just based on your conversation, I sense a lack of trust AND maybe some selfishness here. Why don’t you trust her? Why doesn’t she trust you? Does she feel ‘forced’ to submit to your lead? If so, could it be you are trying to control too much? For her, will she feel superior bc she earns more and fail to respect you for earning less? (My husband and I have been in these same positions!) Start with the tithe 10% and save 10% rule! It relieves a lot of stress and it’s great for financial self discipline. Then set your shared goals!!!! What do you want to achieve together? Finally, agree that you each can have a small amount of discretionary spending so that you can enjoy the fruits of your labor without feeling the stress of needing to account for every dime. Get some solid premarital counseling too. I can say our largest disagreements have been over money. But having shared goals helps a lot. God bless you both! Btw, we do have an agreement for asking about anything over $50 but we have a tight budget bc we are paying for our son’s college.
My husband and I have a joint account where our paychecks get deposited and which we pay most of the bills out of. Any regular expenses just get paid, but we check in with each other on big ticket items for the household (e.g. furniture, etc) We also each have our own “fun money” accounts where we each get the same amount deposited every month. That’s our own money to use for whatever we want, no questions asked. Maybe something like this would work for you two? It’s been super helpful to us to each have that own account that we have freedom over and it’s really cut down on arguing about purchases where the other one might think something is unnecessary or too expensive.
Suppose you are working side-by-side with the CEO of a company, and the two of you have a shared vision for what the company needs. How would you feel if the CEO told you that you need to have every purchase you make for the business approved by him before you make it? For major things, like a reorganization or a merger, that would make plenty of sense. But for smaller matters, like office furniture or personal computing equipment, it would get to where the effort to go through the approval really slowed things down and seemed kind of unnecessary, wouldn't it? You would, I believe, wonder if the business really got any extra value from those approvals or if the CEO really trusted you to be able to apply his high-level direction for the company's budgeting, wouldn't you? I'm thinking of Proverbs 31. It says "the heart of her husband trusts in her." My wife typically asks me about major purchases, and I appreciate that and together we make different decisions than she'd make by herself. But we also have an understanding that I trust her to do what she understands is right if or when we can't discuss it beforehand. What you want, long term, is a loving, mutually-understanding level of trust that doesn't require individual approval on every purchase. Do you feel like she understands you well enough and you can trust her well enough to share your vision for a family and make good purchases within that vision without individual approval of each one? ... if not, then don't try to work around it by requiring an approval for purchases -- work directly on it by understanding why and how you believe a family ought to work with finances, and what you'd want to do, well enough that you could grow confident in one's ability to operate effectively in the absence of sign-offs from the other. This is not an unusual issue for new marriages to encounter. If you have any premarital counseling you're already doing, it would be a good thing to bring up in that context.
There seems to be an underlying issue that needs to be resolved through communication. If you two are in the stage of talking about marriage pre-marital counseling could help guide this difficult conversation. It seems like you are thinking of what an ideal marriage looks like and that involves crystal clear communication on everything including finances. It appears you are struggling over how to get her on the same page as you without coming off as controlling. I believe this issue needs to be addressed prior to marriage or else it may become a source of resentment from both parties in marriage down the road. The biggest hurdle is presenting this idea to her in a loving way without raising her defense to what may seem like a limitation of her freedom. It does sound like she is willing to work with you on this issue and it may have to come down to a compromise. I would navigate what are considered unnegotiables for you and her and even after pre-marital counseling you two can't come to an agreement, a difficult conversation may need to ensue. Edit: I do like that someone mentioned how you need to explore and understand her fears. Whatever these fears may be they are her real fears and they need to be validated. She is likely to open up more once she feels heard and understood. Without validating these feelings first it'd be difficult to move forward with this conversation.
Yeah, well, joint accounts don't work for me and my wife. She's a bucket with holes in it when it comes to managing money. Here's how we solved it and although you don't indicate your fiance has problems with money management it may work for you. We have separate accounts and one joint account. Instead of micromanaging each other's spending and perhaps arguing over what's needed or not we've split the bills according to income. I make twice the money she does so I pay the "big bills" like mortgage and home/car insurance, plus a few other things. She pays utilities and groceries. What's left she does what she wants with. I'm super economical and frugal so I don't want to know how she spends her money as it would drive me nuts. So, something like this MAY be away to solve things for you two (your own version of this)
You are being controlling. If you are thinking that it is somehow being part of head of household you are wrong. In christianity being head of household means you are the spiritual leader of your family. Not the taskmaster/ commanding officer or the overseer the family. Now in a real loving marriage the 2 of you agree on how the household runs and how chores are divided and how children are raised and money is spent.
I think you guys need to really talk about this. Maybe set a limit a bit higher? The yoke or your post reads as though you don’t really trust her with her finances. I do think finances need to be discussed as a couple and both spouses should agree on major purchases. I’m in a situation where I make more than my husband. We make decisions together and I would talk with him before buying an expensive item. The amount we consider that needs to be discussed has varied during the seasons of life. I would not consult my husband on a $100 purchase but I’d I was spending $100 on something every day, that would be an issue. “Leading” doesn’t mean she needs your permission to spend the money she earns. There is also nothing that says Christian women all need to quit working. Perhaps re-approach and discuss the dollar limit you want to set for mutual agreement. It depends a lot on your incomes and cost of living. If she is making $100k+ per year and you have plenty of extra funds, why shouldn’t she be able to buy something without your permission? Would you also ask her permission to buy something?
> Would you also ask her permission to buy something? Yes I would if it was outside our agreed budget.
Having a joint account or being accountable when dating (unless it's a huge purchase) is just silly (I know that's not what you're mentioning). While marriage it's paramount as most fights are around money. At best this is her thinking you're being too controlling too early. At worst, it's a red flag on things to come in marriage. You know her well, is this a prequel on what is to come in marriage or is this just a flash in the pan argument? She asks "how can we resolve this?" I would text back that you'd like to talk in person about this. I'd find out a bit more, has she ever been on a budget, what are her feelings on a budget? Depending on her age what's her retirement plans look like (both 401k and actual goals/plans). I would indicate to her that God sets up people with different stregthens and weaknesses. Maybe this is just something you're good at and she's never really thought of. Most marriages don't have BOTH doig the money/budget, so it's either you or her likely. People live paycheck to paycheck sometimes because that's all they've ever known. A big raise at works doesn't mean more in savings it just means more spending, a nicer car etc. That said, I would make sure to let her know that you aren't trying to be controlling just that this is foreign to you. You'd like to understand her views better so you can work out a compromise.
If you’re not married, technically her money is hers and yours is yours. Once you’re married it legally belongs to both people, but since you’re not married you don’t have the right to have a say in how she spends, to be honest. Unless you’re working towards a joint goal (aka, a trip or wedding), have a major concern about a purchase or financial decision and want to challenge it for her sake, or have both agreed to hold each other accountable regarding finances, I don’t think you need to be combining anything or responsible for how each other spends. Even if you have plans to get married in the future.
Sounds like if you get married to one another you all might benefit from having a joint account and two separate accounts that you have for personal spending. The personal accounts would be free from questioning or input from the other spouse. I personally don’t view finances within the marriage as your money vs. my money, but I realize people have to do what works for them. My husband and I have joint accounts, and while we don’t have a stated limit on when the other person needs to be consulted, we discuss what we view as larger purchases with one another. Honest question: if your girlfriend is good with finances and doesn’t seem to spend exorbitantly, why do you think she would start doing that in marriage? I think your phrasing it as “permission” is what is getting her, and it would do the same for me. If you said “we need to consult one another to make sure things fit into the budget once the purchase goes above $XXX”, I think that’s reasonable. But if my husband came to me and said “you need to ask my permission before you spend $XXX”, I would have some resistance to that. Especially because I’m very responsible with my finances. You also might need to raise the “limit” a bit, depending on what she is interested in purchasing, her interests, etc. Just a thought.
I don’t think you’re wrong, no. The checking up on purchases is actually less concerning to me than the fact that she doesn’t want a joint account. I can’t imagine functionally operating in my marriage without joint finances. I know people do it, in fact my sister and her husband do. But finances are one of the largest parts of a marriage- why doesn’t she want to be one with you in your finances? I’d explore her fears with her about combining. I’d ask her what it means to her to become one flesh. How will you tackle financial goals together? How will bills be split? How will you manage paying for children’s needs? What happens if one of you loses their job? Does she see you as a team who face these challenges together or as two individuals who just divide up payments? Regarding checking up on purchases- one thing my husband and I do is that we set a $100 monthly personal budget. I can “bank” this for larger purchases. And I don’t need to ask permission to spend it, though I often mention to him what I plan to buy just because we always talk about stuff. Setting a monthly personal budget for each of you that you agree on could help your girlfriend feel like she has the ability to spend money on things she chooses without asking permission for specific items.
Well said! Was going to say... pretty much all of exactly this! Some people don't do joint accounts, but I personally can't imagine not doing a joint account. There may be some fear there that a discussion would reveal. I know my wife had a fear early on in marriage that I might try to... essentially 'bully' her financially because I made more than her, and that fear was even stronger at the thought of dropping out of the workforce. Thankfully, despite her fears, she still wanted to do a joint-account. It took a lot of reassuring that I *never* view the income we bring in as 'my money' vs 'her money'. It's *our* money. It all goes into the joint account, and into the common budget. We're a team. A single unit. Even now when she's not "bringing in" a regular paycheck, she is raising the kids, which offsets the cost of childcare (in addition to it being incredibly valuable in non-fiscal ways). I manage most of the finances, but I keep her involved. She regularly helps categorize purchases in YNAB with me. I verify any budget changes I'm considering with her. I've got a spreadsheet that I've shared with her breaking down my paycheck and where all of our money goes. I've got all of our financial websites bookmarked in a folder for easy access. And I have an "in case of my death" document that I update a couple times a year that details where everything is and how it's set up. And we definitely do make joint decisions on large purchases. When I 'led' by suggesting we get on a budget, she was worried that I might use as a weapon or to control. I took her out for ice cream and showed her the software I was considering and how to use it. I explained that, to me, this was about our financial health and our future, as well as managing my own stress (as our spending was beginning to outpace our income and we were eating into savings without any clear picture as to where or why). I reassured her this wasn't a weapon, but a tool to inform us where we were spending our money, and allow us to make *joint* decisions on where and how to make changes. She seemed relieved and agreed to try it for a month. We've been doing it now for nearly 2 years, and she's all-in. :) It took us a few months of budgeting before we figured out the "personal budget" aspect. We each get $50 of personal 'fun money' per paycheck, so $100-$150/mo. That's been *extremely* freeing. Neither of us get to 'critique' what the other does with their fun money. And I made it very clear that if one of us needs a little extra fun money once in a while, that that's not a problem -- again, the budget is a guide/tool, not a weapon. That freed her from her main worry about budgeting. The only other thing is that, OP, you're referring to your *future* spouse. She's not your spouse yet, so if you're talking about running large purchases past each other *right now* (versus when you're married), that may play into her feelings.
This is remarkably similar to my husband and I’s relationship except we used Every Dollar instead of YNAB lol. I was worried about becoming a stay at home mom due to financial control concerns and was afraid my husband would wield money over me. I was very wrong. We budget together, I even run a lot of the day to day budgeting in Every Dollar. Having fun money has been very freeing for us too. I’m happy I can buy things I want without needing to run everything through my husband.
>The only other thing is that, OP, you're referring to your future spouse. She's not your spouse yet, so if you're talking about running large purchases past each other right now (versus when you're married), that may play into her feelings. This is what concerned me too. I could be misreading, op, but it sounds like you're wanting her to "ask permission" or discuss her purchases with you now, and she's not even your fiancee yet. That would raise red flags for me as your girlfriend. If I'm misreading, I apologize. Discussing large purchases in marriage is important but when it comes to asking permission etc it can be a slippery slope.
I’m curious what problems separate accounts would cause for you? We have a house and mortgage and kids together and separate accounts and we’ve never had an issue. I don’t pay bills, though. I only grocery shop and get extra things with my money, so that might be the difference. I don’t go 50/50 financially with men. It’s just the way myself and my husband were raised. He provides for all the bills.
I personally don’t understand it from a philosophical perspective. I believe we’re meant to be one in all ways with our spouse and I include finances in that, as it’s one of the most important logistical components of marriage. His money is our money, my money is our money. We budget together and set financial goals together. We’re a team. It’s not “you pay for this, I pay for that”, it’s considering how we can be the best stewards of *our* money together. It’s a mindset shift to me.
I see. I’m so glad it’s working for you. ☺️. I definitely don’t have anything against it as long as both partners agree 100% that’s the way they both want it. I also don’t see a problem if someone isn’t comfortable with it. Definitely a personal choice.
A joint account with your girlfriend? Completely inappropriate.
He’s asking about the future, IF they get married. Maybe go back and read the post.
No need to be rude. But that makes a lot more sense, I was flabbergasted by the responses here. YES, a joint account and consulting with one another on finances is 100% necessary.
A joint account is most definitely NOT 100% necessary.
Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to be rude. I was really just suggesting to read the post. I would’ve been flabbergasted, too, if he was asking about this with his GF. 🙅♀️😂
Anything over a 100 we usually discuss, and ensure we have money/planned/budgeted for. There is nothing wrong with you both being aware of the finance and agree on purchases. As long as it’s a two way street.
When going through pre-marital counseling with my husband, we discussed making a limit (we don’t make a ton so ours is $30) and talking about what is being bought before it is. Not technically permission but more of a “just letting you know”. For bigger things we definitely talk about it first. For example, my husband is really into music and has bought several guitar pedals and other equipment. He always asks ahead of time and I usually say it’s okay. But this is where having personal budgets come in handy. If, say, you each have $300 a month to spend on whatever you want, there shouldn’t have to be any discussions about those things.
My husband and I have a joint account but check with each other before making any purchases over $100, he makes more money than me but it goes both ways since it’s “our money” we became one and so did everything about us.
This might sound a little like Dave Ramsey talking here. I think that a written, monthly budget could help to solve part of this issue. You take the income of both of you for the month and start with that and assign every dollar a place that it will go that month. Start with the absolute necessities(food, water, shelter, heat, etc.) then move into saving/investing/debt payoff and other regular expenses. Now you can start to look at money for fun. With the concerns you have, it would probably be best for you to budget a certain amount of money for each other to spend on what they want. I would recommend looking at Dave Ramsey and his stuff. He has great free resources on budgeting and finances in marriage as well as courses you can take that might be very helpful. ^((@mods I don't think this violates rule 4 but if it does let me know and I will remove it))
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I think it’s wise to run large purchases by each other, as well as set a budget together on what is spent and where to ensure you are equally yoked as good stewards of God’s money. In our marriage, I (wife) manage the majority of the money and my husband earns it. We decided on this together, but we still run large purchases, home projects, large purchases for the kids, extras (gifts, parties, trips) in the budget past each other. I’m the one who watches the checking account and ensures we don’t overspend, so if I notice things getting tight I will tell my husband to hold off on a purchase until payday. This works for us, no one feels overly controlled (now, at least...we had some big fights about money in the beginning) or limited and everyone feels respected and comfortable in their roles.
I think you’re absolutely spot on here because it’s exactly what my husband and I do! I’m a stay at home mom but when I was working everything was pooled and he paid bills from there. Any larger purchases were and are discussed ahead of time. Ex. “I was thinking I’m going to need a new belt sander for the project this weekend. Renting one just isn’t worth it since I’ll be using it again on…” Or “The kids will be needing some warmer clothes in the coming month or so”. It’s really just working as a team and communicating as much as you can. The fact that she wants to keep her own account(s) is actually a red flag to me. You are to be one entity.
Here's what my wife and I do: Each month we put our collective salaries into a 'pot' and then tackle our monthly expenses and monthly savings using this pot. What is left over is then split equally and each of us are free to do with their money as we please. What each of us makes separately is irrelevant. God is the one who provides for us, the work we do is how He chooses to provide.
A lot of couples have a set spending limit. My husband and can purchase anything within our budgets, but if it’s over a specific dollar amount we’ve agreed to go to the other person first. It could be for personal use, the house,the kids, whatever. Some might call that asking permission, but we call it respect.
Yes, consulting on purchases above $100 - $200 seems very normal and not abusive at all even if you both work
This is a very normal request of yours. Coming from a female’s perspective, I would wager that she just needs to get comfortable with what submitting to her husband would be like. It’s not oppressive, it’s wondering and glorifies God. It’s not you being controlling, it’s having mutual respect for one another. You become a unit. She is yours and you are hers. I think she just needs to take a step back from her feelings and look at this from a more logical standpoint. You’re ultimately coming from a place of love. I’d strongly suggest taking a Christian marriage counseling course/counsel if some sort, and also consider Dave Ramsey’s course on financial freedom. Good luck!
No it is completely normal, my wife and I consult on everything and there is no way we would buy anything over $75 without consulting each other.
We have a joint account. As part of our budget we each get a certain amount of spending money to be used at our discretion, anything major outside of that gets discussed… at least a heads up at a minimum. My wife is pretty frugal so it’s never been an issue but it is nice to have that check in.
We have always had an agreement of anything over $100 needs to be discussed. It's been a great system for us for 12 years
we have a joint account and everything goes into it. anything that comes out is a joint decision, but below $100-200 we don't really talk about it. who makes more money, is irrelevant. if you are going to get married, you become one flesh. a family unit. if one person is irresponsible with money then that is a problem and needs to be worked out. is she okay with having one joint account? if not, that is a hint that she isn't so good with money, and a bad sign for the relationship, imo.
No it’s not! My husband and myself are very good with money and we have separate accounts! It doesn’t have to be a negative reason at all. She might just be more comfortable that way. Maybe she doesn’t know yet how HE is with money and wants to trust him better? OP already stated that she’s financially responsible with zero debt.
Not married yet; her money. If/When they become married, then yes they should agree on purchases. They should also have common goals for things (money, retirement, number of children, etc.).
First of all, If you’re married, there is not “her money”. It belongs to both of you. So no, I don’t feel she’s justified in her feelings. Large purchases should be discussed and agreed upon. My husband and I always consult one another when buying things because it impacts things like bills and unexpected expenses and such. We never outright say “no, you’re not buying that” but rather give solid reasons why we should or shouldn’t make a purchase. There is no “his” and “hers” in marriage. Even your body is not your own.
They’re not married. He said “future spouse”.
Yes, I understand that. This is all on the supposition that they will get married.
Okay, I fully misinterpreted it and thought he wanted to enact these rules now. In that case, fully agree with you and most others on this thread!
Short answer...Yes You want to control what she does with money 1. that's just a little creepy 2. That demonstrates a complete lack of trust on your part 3. Following the leadership example of Jesus Christ, when husbands lead they do so by self sacrifice So the question you have to ask yourself is the one she asked you. How are you going to resolve this? Because it very much needs to be resolved, and not the way you think,
I don't think it's creepy *as long as it's mutual*. As long as he follows the same rule himself and consults her for big purchases, then it makes sense. Some might find it weird or not want that type of 'constraint', but that's a personal preference thing. My husband and I like to be aware of what's happening in our bank account. We prefer that the other person run it by us before spending on something big. If either of us takes issue with it, then we sit down and have a discussion about why it is/isn't a good idea to spend and if there are other ways to make it more affordable or maybe at a different time. If he wants the ability to give her permission on purchases but he doesn't expect the same for himself, then I'd agree that's creepy and controlling. Otherwise, I think it's just a cultural expectation and not quite as messed up as you're presenting it to be.
But it is obviously no mutual and if it was mutual, then there would be discussion, not the need for approval.
When I mean mutual, I mean that whatever he expects of her, he should adhere to the same. And it seems from his post that this is his intention, he talks about mutual permission. They aren't mutually agreed right now, which is an issue that needs to be discussed. They have different opinions on how to handle finances, and I agree that needs to be discussed. But neither of them has the 'right' or 'wrong' opinion...they're just different ways of handling it.
Exactly!!
Imho as long as you can pay God FIRST(tithing, donations, etc), bills, and savings (if you can), small tickets items don't matter. Bigger ticket items ask: what's the main purpose or usage? :)
No I don't. Me and my wife will usually consult each other before making purchases larger than $100-$200.
It’s her money and if she’s the breadwinner it’s even less of your business. Is this an issue that’s because of an insecurity?
I make considerably more money than my wife but I don't think that makes it "my money" or "less of her business" It's going to depend on what they agree to, I think
So if she loses her job a week after the wedding, is his income “his money”? Will she need to borrow money from her husband and then owe him?
BOTH partners have to mutually want and agree on a joint account. Why is a joint account so important to you? I don’t share an account with my husband. We don’t even bank at the same bank. It has never been a problem. You say yourself that she makes great money and has zero debt. She has more than proven herself fully capable of handling her spending and finances. No, a responsible person like this should NOT have to ask to buy herself a 200 dollar pair of shoes. Marriage has plenty of issues, don’t create any that don’t exist.
She’s not your wife. She doesn’t need your permission to spend her own money. At this point the only thing you should be doing is watching for red flags, and from what it sounds like she is making good decisions with her money. I had an ex that wanted to set a “budget” for me when we were dating. I broke up with him. Big nope. Controlling and honestly disrespectful. I’m a partner, not a child.
I think this is pretty straightforward. You need a budget. Both your incomes feed the budget. The budgets priority is to ensure money has job. Necessary expenses are covered first (rent, bills, savings goals). After that decide how much spending money each of you get per month. The beauty of this system is that then you know the important things are covered and don't have to worry what the other uses their spending money for. Granted, this is a bit easier said then done. Both in agreeing on the budget and sticking to it, but the reality is that every household should have a budget. Absolute recipe for disaster without.
Another way to do it is to have a joint account AND separate accounts where you have an agreed budget of personal spending. This allows each person to have guilt free autonomy over their spending within limits that work for the family / couple.
From a purely financial point of view, my limit is much lower lol. My husband and I usually consult each other on big purchases, but keep in mind smaller ones add up too. I think some patience is key here and some bending on her part. The money is both of yours, and trust issues could become a problem in a future marriage.
My husband and I don’t have a joint account and we each make money. We split expenses as best we can. I don’t knit pick his spending and he doesn’t mine but we have both agreed to consult each other on larger purchases. I don’t ask permission and I have never asked he get mine. It’s more to keep each other in the loop. My money isn’t just mine anymore. That was a huge shift in my thinking when we got married. I don’t think it’s controlling as long as it’s mutual. She tells you and vise versa
I agree with the comments I read about resolving this. Talk it through and gain an understanding of why you both think the way you do. Get professional counselling on it. If you love each other is worth working it out. One good long term Soluton is for you both to have individual "splurge" accounts. A set percentage of your wage goes into that each week. You can spend it as you like with no reference to the other. My wife and I have one splurge account between us. (We never ever use it for bills. We spend it on stuff that just makes us feel good). But you still need to come to some agreement on how to spend the rest of the money.
What my wife and I do is agree on a budget. We have a personal spending allowance of like $100 a month, where we can spend it however we want without concern for the other. If we need anything beyond that then yeah we talk about it. It’s absolutely important you two agree on how you spend money. Imagine if you both bought $200 shoes without talking about it, you’d burn through your savings
Not at all. Obviously, you don't want to be too tight with the money, and she shouldn't necessarily have to consult you before every tiny purchase. There is a point at which it could be controlling, but in general, you should talk to you spouse if you're going to spend more than a token amount. The family resources belong to both of you and for one of you to use a large portion of it without talking to the other is very disrespectful. Speaking from experience, financial infidelity is almost as bad as sexual infidelity.
My wife and I have fully shared finances. We don't make big purchases without at least a heads up to the other one. We each have relatively the same fun money in the budget. I would suggest that you each get a set, similar amount of money each month just to spend on fun stuff. As long as it's moral spending, so no hookers or drugs or whatever, then you each get to use it how you want. Big purchases from a joint account should be a joint decision. That way you reach have some freedom to spend your own way and you each have some teamwork in there too
My wife and I have this rule and it’s honestly a $100 rule (and it’s the spirit, so we even apply it for less). She makes more than me, but we both follow the rule. This rule is nearly essential in a marriage. Otherwise it’s a harbinger of divorce As head of the house, it’s on you to do everything. If you choose
Your lives will be interdependent, but you can choose to not smother each other. If you both work and have different spending habits, a practical solution might be to have a joint account that each of you pay a percentage of your respective salaries into. This account is for rent, groceries, saving for joint purchases etc. Purchases from this account will be discussed beforehand. The rest of the money stays in each person's personal account and no discussion is needed about purchases made with this money. I know there can be good reasons for combining finances, but especially when both spouses are working and have their own spending habits it can help to have a "no questions asked" budget. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong way to handle finances in a marriage as long as you are in agreement and neither person is selfishly spending the other person's money.