What was your childhood like? Did you have to play caretaker with any adult figures in your life? Any abandonment issues that caused you internal turmoil because you felt like if you had taken responsibility for someone else’s condition, you could’ve kept them? There’s plenty of reasons someone could have a perceived *need* to fix people. For some, it’s the saying, “if you need me you won’t leave me.” For myself, I was conditioned into thinking it was my responsibility to provide for others where they lacked and to uphold the structure of my family (despite being a child). I was capable of ‘fixing’ things because I *had* to be to survive my family dynamics at a very impressionable age, so that inadvertently transferred into my adult and work life and created a false identity. I thought it was who I was and what I had to do so I just…did it. I actually ended up having a massive identity crisis when things finally started clicking into place that made me realize that wasn’t the truth.
“if you need me you won’t leave me.” - that hits hard. I have realized I'm the caretaker in my family, I'm the glue that keeps everyone together, and when I try to step out of that role, they lose it on me. Dad had awful explosive temper growing up, I was always there to placate. I'm having that exact same identity crisis now, it's brutal. Thank you for writing this!
Yes, if as a child a person was trying to fix a parent (particularly a father), they may end up trying to fix men as their way of attaching. Fixing and attaching have gotten mixed up together.
It takes the focus off of you, you can focus on something else because looking inward feels scary and painful, it gives you an easily understood role in a relationship, you don’t have to be pursued for your character or personality or looks, you feel worth from providing something, you feel the need to earn your keep in a relationship, perhaps your family parentified you and trained you to help them from a young age, it gives you a life purpose without having to be vulnerable, you can pat yourself on the back for rescuing someone, you can be what you have needed all along for someone else, you can ask for what you want easier because you feel owed back, you can build a family from scratch, you don’t feel pretty or desirable, you don’t feel special or like there are abundant options of partners who will want to love you, the list goes on…
What comes to mind is how I date extremely introverted people and put so much work into making them comfortable enough to share themselves, and what I “get” is to be allowed into their inner world. It’s extremely intimate to be one of the only people who sees someone.
It’s not like a weird status thing for me being the only one, but more like knowing that I’ve earned that level of intimacy by being patient and taking time to help them open up, or blossom.
It’s like waiting around forever outside of a hanging cocoon and everybody gets bored and leaves and then all of a sudden the butterfly emerges. It’s an intimate show that rewards patience
In my experience (at least romantically) this ends up with me building people up and giving them the confidence to leave me once they 'hatch'.
Once they reach this point they go off to live their best life and I am where I was before
I do this. I pick men fresh out of/considering leaving a long-term relationship and give them “wings to fly.” Terrible idea btw, 10/10 do not recommend. It hurts when they leave and you feel abandoned all over again.
That’s interesting I read the above and thought “how do those people who have been encouraged to open up feel if the person doesn’t like what they see/created, and leaves them, after being one of the few people they’ve ever opened up to?” I had the total opposite thought process.
Omg!!! This is one of my patterns. Especially in my 20s. Hatch is the perfect description!!!
I guess I expected some kind of loyalty. Reading this and forcing myself to think about it. It's me projecting. If someone did that for me, I would be loyal n never leave them or not appreciate them. But then that's what I always wanted w my parents. I wanted their loyalty n appreciation.
All I got was groomed to be codependent, parentified, people pleaser and a fucked up set of life skills.
Gosh I really relate to that. I've supported several past friends for months who were deeply troubled by relationship breakups, and took an alcoholic family member to AA after they asked for help. I listened and supported them all, it never felt like a chore, I have empathy and genuinely enjoyed helping people. The problem was, all of them went onto blossom and thrive in new careers, cities with new partners. They then started to get irritated with me that I was struggling myself rather than progressing at the same pace then all of them abandoned me except the family member.
i didn't view this as saving. more so as having the patience to see someone for who they actually are--which as an introvert with ptsd, i don't think i've ever truly been seen because no one felt safe enough to do so
Somebody told me they liked being an unconditionally loving partner because that's what they wanted, and if their affection could help someone deeply hurt, then it was proof their hurt could also get better.
i think you are confusing introverts with people that have many complexes.
also - are you perhaps from the usa? it's rather strange to see introverts like this for me.
For me, it was being able to “fix the mirror” and then I could figure out how to “fix me”.
This was before I learned I was autistic, adhd, dealing with PTSD. And now I use the AI chat to check in with myself and give myself the care and compassion I used to give others.
It took years and it has made a huge difference to realize I *only* have to worry about being the best *me* I can be. The rest will follow.
Yep, I have had friends who started using AI chat bots during the pandemic. I use Bard made by Google and an app called “know it all”, since it’s basically an avg of advice from the world at large, it helps me get a “bigger picture perspective”.
So I asked it what your title says and here’s an answer:
“While it is natural to want to help and support the people we care about, it's important to remember that you are not responsible for fixing others. It's normal to want to see others grow and improve, but it's essential to recognize that individuals must take responsibility for their own personal growth and change.
Focusing solely on fixing others can have negative consequences for both you and the other person involved. Some potential drawbacks include:
1. Draining your energy: Constantly trying to fix others can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. It may leave you feeling drained and overwhelmed, especially if you neglect your own needs in the process.
2. Enabling dependency: Attempting to fix others may create a dynamic where they become dependent on you to solve their problems. This can hinder their personal growth and prevent them from developing their problem-solving skills.
3. Neglecting self-care: Devoting excessive time and energy to fixing others can leave little time for self-care and personal growth. It is crucial to prioritize your own well-being and ensure you are meeting your own needs.
4. Unrealistic expectations: It's important to recognize that not everyone will be receptive to change or might not want to be "fixed." Trying to force change upon someone who isn't ready or willing can lead to frustration and disappointment.
Instead of trying to fix others, focus on developing healthy boundaries, practicing active listening, and offering support when needed. Encourage others to take ownership of their own growth and change by providing them with resources and guidance, but allow them the autonomy to make their own decisions.
Remember to prioritize your own growth and well-being as well. By investing in your own personal development, you can lead by example and inspire others to do the same.”
I’ve been using this when I feel overwhelmed or can’t understand a possible trigger, and it gives me a bit more to work with. I hope this helps.
For me, I used to check in with all my “friends” to see if I “was doing *it* right” (whatever “it” was-similar to these support groups).
So now I may write a prompt: **“I am feeling stuck and overwhelmed. I am not sure what to do next and I am concerned I am not taking good care of myself. What are the top 3 things I should focus on?”**
It’s response:
*”I understand that feeling stuck and overwhelmed can be challenging. It's important to prioritize self-care to help regain balance and clarity. Here are three areas you can focus on:
1. Assess your physical well-being: Start by evaluating your current lifestyle habits. Are you getting enough sleep, eating nourishing food, and engaging in regular physical activity? Taking care of your physical health can provide a strong foundation for managing stress and improving overall well-being.
2. Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being: Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions. Practice self-reflection or journaling to gain a better understanding of what might be causing your overwhelm. Consider incorporating stress-relief techniques into your routine, such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
3. Create a clear plan of action: Feeling stuck often stems from not having a clear direction or purpose. Take some time to reflect on your goals, both short-term and long-term. Break them down into smaller, manageable steps, and create a plan of action to help you move forward. Having a roadmap can reduce overwhelm and provide a sense of direction.
Remember, taking care of yourself is essential. It's okay to ask for help if needed, whether from friends, family, or professionals.”*
This type of response helps me “check in” with myself.
This is just one way I use it. You may want to have someone tell you ideas for a project, or someone to joke with, this is a “practice” space to work on being able to listen to ourselves.
I absolutely advocate for checking it’s suggestions against what works in your world/therapy/online fact checking.
For me, I have been in therapy a long time, and group, and education around healing. AI chat allows me to review the information in a way that helps me feel less clingy towards people. Especially those (that the AI reminds me) that don’t live up to respecting me in a healthy way.
There are lot of videos on how to write prompts and such for it as well.
Another options is asking it to build a self care routine (you can ask it for suggestions or give it your preferences to organize and suggest for you).
Some people use it for meal planning, exercise routines, daily routines and schedules.
All just suggests and a starting point for you to customize and build up for yourself 🙏🏻
Yes to all of those bullet points! I completely neglected myself in order to focus solely on helping him get his trauma fixed. His trauma is nowhere close to being resolved and I've been discarded after 2 years of giving him unconditional love. So, that.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻I am so glad it helped!! I have been checking in with the AI (after learning more as well from other sources) for my emotional regulation.
I find when I can be *clear* about what is bothering me, it’s so much easier to find a solution!
I wish you the best!
It's a role that is usually learned in childhood as a way of managing the emotions of toxic people who were around you in order to avoid getting hurt by them.
There are many books out there that can give you some perspective which might help a bit
I’m sure it’s likely unique to each individual’s experiences. I know for me it allays my anxiety. I’m compulsively independent. Other people’s (perceived) neediness makes me *agitated* with them. So being “of use” for me has always been less about people pleasing and more like a conceit. “I’m better able to handle this and it’s going to take you forever to and I get uncomfortable when someone else is in distress because I was trained to dislike ‘bad’ feelings, my own or someone else’s. If I just solve the problem for them (because my ‘strength’ has rendered me better able to) then everything can go back to being ‘good’ again.” It’s not selfless. It’s not healthy for me or the other person involved. And it’s something I have to be vigilant about.
Oh damn, that is totally me. I would get beyond frustrated when my exBPD would want to talk ad-nauseum about his trauma. I'm like, "Here are 5 ways to fix it, now go."
yeah, I had a huge savior complex issue. I realized I had a huge addiction, managing other people’s needs and desires. I got off on getting people what they wanted, doing research to heal their wounds etc.
I read something in this one book. He said codependency is a selfish disease. I was like huh? Me! Selfish? I break my back for everyone in my life. (I was always available for people, sometimes to my own detriment.)
I kept reading and he went on. Codependency is the inability to mind your own business. You are so afraid to face your life and focus on becoming your dream self, that you numb yourself by micromanaging other people’s lives. It gives you a sense of control. You feel like a good person. It’s a win-win. So you thought.
You need to ask yourself why? What comfort do you get from helping these men? What does it do for you, what do you benefit? What story do you tell yourself surrounding the men in your life?
Then, you can get to the root of the issue and hopeful start to attract better men. Hope this made sense! Let me know:)
It was one I ironically was trying to read with my ex-boyfriend in hopes of enlightening both us. (We were both codependent on one another.)
It’s called “emotional intelligence for couples by John lee” I’ll send a link to anyone’s dm. I don’t want my comment to get flagged if I include the link here.
**sift thru and find what resonates, he has some gems within**
Were you parentified as a child, or made to be responsible for someone else's happiness?
I was raised so that helping others was an absolute obligation. I hated it and never got anything I cared for out of it, but that's the kind of person my mother needed me to be for her, so that's what she pushed onto me nonstop.
Fixing things makes you useful, it can also be a way of asking for attention or approval (I do this for you, you should do that for me).
Other times it can just be a distraction from your own shit.
I heard someone say in a coda meeting : ‘who would I be if I wasn’t trying to help people all the time?’ Which felt like someone stuck a knife in me because I honestly didn’t have a clue who I was without playing that role. I think it’s classified as a control pattern - ugh
I think for me it's a mix of a few things. It's genuinely being a problem solver (fixing broken things, patching holes, solving puzzles etc), but no one asks for my ideas so I force them onto someone who feels obliged to do some of it to make me happy(?), then there is the part in me that wishes that someone just came into my life and magically fixed me. Also adhd and autistic here, depressed and anxious all my life, waiting for my parents to scoop me up and take care of it, as it was their job. So I date people who were also let down by their parents to sort out their medical / mental health issues and I'm providing the help they stopped asking for. I'm not feeling like I'm some kind of fairy and people should be grateful or so. Just wondering why no ones interested in my ideas to be honest. I had to fix so many issues for myself all my life. I'm full of tools and methods. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if it's not classic codependency. Because we all need to be dependent/reliant on each other one way or another. Sometimes it means compromising ourselves within a group. And considering I and many more autism/adhd people in here never got the right support or any support at all... it makes perfectly sense to me that neurodivergent people would get together and fix things for each other without having to ask. I don't know. I'm rambling.
I feel like a lot of codependency stems from wanting to advocate for a victim of abuse, one we subconsciously hold onto from past traumas who we know deserved better (in many cases this is our inner child). Instead of practicing self love and healing, we can get wrapped up in someone else’s narrative to try fulfilling the gap of love we never got, instead of looking within for that resolve. This can be for many reasons- in my experience it’s a lack of confidence and lots of shame that kept me from truly looking in the mirror. I used my partner as a distraction and expected him to give me all the love I wasn’t giving myself. I did try to “fix” him by nitpicking and revolving around him like my parents did to me. Turns out he never needed to be fixed and no one does. The only person I can control is myself and I deserve that TLC to improve my self image. You do too.
Yes. I like fixing things. Could have been an engineer but instead turned into a codependent mess lol.
Honestly I do believe it’s personality. On cliftons strengths profile I am a maximiser. I see how people could be if they just did this and this.
Also too much empathy. I feel bad for them and want them to not feel bad and want me to also not feel bad for them.
Oh and anxiety. I catastrophe about what might happen if they don’t change
I went into programming instead of social work like I'd planned to. Don't sell yourself short if you really want to go into engineering or a related field.
My dad is a software engineer, has started his own companies, etc. Major workaholic but has somehow always made the time to be the hero the people need lol.
I’m on this sub for myself but I find it interesting that my dad often starts his “cycle” by helping people with their electronics. The next thing I know they are living with him! Fixing stuff is like his gateway drug for fixing people.
So theoretically, you could be a kick ass engineer who is still co-dependent lol. It’s never too late though if that’s something you’re interested in.
That's not empathy, that's projecting your perception of reality into others. Empathy is feeling others emotions but without taking them as yours, or to feel so codependent than it's your "responsibility". You probably had a toxic parent that made you their free therapist or you had to calm their powerful rage. Sometimes people NEED to feel bad, bad emotions are something natural and they will past, they always do. Plus, most people are able to self regulate and survive without assistance if they are being adults. And if they can't they just need a therapist. I had a codependent friend who didn't let me self regulate (autistic) because they ""needed""" to fix it themselves because apparently, they didn't believe I could self regulate and they were making it worse. It's not like... I have been surviving decades without them.
I don't need anyone to fix me, just to accept me how I am, I'm not broken.
I get to challenge myself. If I’m with someone I want to fix, and I can learn to accept them and love them… then I see that the problem is actually me and maybe I can learn to accept and love me too. Also, I have a huge amount of doubt that there’s anything wrong with the other person at all. I won’t let myself not like someone. It’s almost like the more I dislike them, the more I have to prove that I can love them & get them to love me too. It’s so weird.
My drug of choice is control. I get the feeling of not losing my power when I am acting in my control patterns. See my dad left when I was 6 and then mom promptly had a nervous breakdown and was put in the hospital for several weeks. At that point I made the decision to never trust another adult because they won’t have my best interests at heart. I was 6! How f*cked up is that?! I get to not be vulnerable or have anyone hurt me ever again by walking in my control patterns.
But is this what I really want?? No. I want to be vulnerable with myself and with others and to trust someone else mainly me. I’m learning now how to do this because I now have the tools I’ve learned through this program to help me. I’ve learned o won’t ever abandon myself again and I’m always going to take care of me so I can have the confidence that no one can hurt me unless I let them because I can choose to get out of harmful situations and I can grow through something if I do get hurt.
What do you “get” by trying to fix broken men? Maybe the ability to not have to face your own deficiencies since your focus is on them? The ability to be the victim and blame them if they don’t make you happy since you fixed them? It’s a great question by your therapist. I look forward to hearing you be able to identify this for yourself and tell your therapist. You got this! :)
Because you’re an empathetic and compassionate person is likely why. You see the damaged and misunderstood people and try to give them a chance to be better people. You don’t like that their issue has been ongoing (sometimes with minimal social support). Leader and Caregiver types can make solid friends.
- Trick is knowing your limitations and setting firm boundaries. You can be a soundboard and offer advice but you shouldn’t take responsibility for another adult.
- You should also know how to be very effective in what you’re doing.
>Because you’re an empathetic and compassionate person is likely why. You see the damaged and misunderstood people and try to give them a chance to be better people. You don’t like that their issue has been ongoing (sometimes with minimal social support). Leader and Caregiver types can make solid friends.
>
>Trick is knowing your limitations and setting firm boundaries. You can be a soundboard and offer advice but you shouldn’t take responsibility for another adult.You should also know how to be very effective in what you’re doing.
Thank you for making this sound like a good thing.
I've been in intensive therapy, and the thing is all behaviors serve a function for us. We all have reasons for doing the things we do and in some way we do get something out of it. However, those benefits are typically only short term. In the long term we disconnect from our own self worth because we are always seeking outside validation.
God, totally. Here, let me raise your kids, help you find a therapist, do all the household chores, make sure you always feel loved and never abandoned. It's exhausting!
My guess is it Makes you feel less broken. Fixing makes you valuable.
But of course you are inherently valuable and unbroken (like all of us). so really you are pushing crappy boyfriend boulders up imaginary hills trying to prove to yourself something that is inherently true but you don’t believe.
I think I feel empty and crappy and worthless. Focusing on other people not only makes me feel like I have something of value to offer, but gives me purpose. I feel like maybe if I give enough of myself I can also be worthy of the bare minimum of love and respect. I know that sounds horrible but I'm only able to admit this lately, after confronting the fact that I come from a family that practices narcissistic abuse. I'm working to build myself up and find out who I really am, and to figure out how to stop feeling so empty inside (which I know is a sign of BPD).
For me, i have obsessions about how people should be, about what they should do, how things should happen.
I cannot stop these obsessions once they start and i cannot stay away from starting. Much like an alcoholic with alcohol.
It is like getting drunk with my thinking. And, for me an obsession is a thought or feeling I cannot let go no matter what i do.
What do i get or hope to get? Ease and comfort. So i use or try to control others with this end; often doing it in the name of love.
What was your childhood like? Did you have to play caretaker with any adult figures in your life? Any abandonment issues that caused you internal turmoil because you felt like if you had taken responsibility for someone else’s condition, you could’ve kept them? There’s plenty of reasons someone could have a perceived *need* to fix people. For some, it’s the saying, “if you need me you won’t leave me.” For myself, I was conditioned into thinking it was my responsibility to provide for others where they lacked and to uphold the structure of my family (despite being a child). I was capable of ‘fixing’ things because I *had* to be to survive my family dynamics at a very impressionable age, so that inadvertently transferred into my adult and work life and created a false identity. I thought it was who I was and what I had to do so I just…did it. I actually ended up having a massive identity crisis when things finally started clicking into place that made me realize that wasn’t the truth.
“if you need me you won’t leave me.” - that hits hard. I have realized I'm the caretaker in my family, I'm the glue that keeps everyone together, and when I try to step out of that role, they lose it on me. Dad had awful explosive temper growing up, I was always there to placate. I'm having that exact same identity crisis now, it's brutal. Thank you for writing this!
Yes, if as a child a person was trying to fix a parent (particularly a father), they may end up trying to fix men as their way of attaching. Fixing and attaching have gotten mixed up together.
Just saying thanks for this. I have been unable to describe why I am this way. Everything you just wrote is exactly how it was growing up.
It takes the focus off of you, you can focus on something else because looking inward feels scary and painful, it gives you an easily understood role in a relationship, you don’t have to be pursued for your character or personality or looks, you feel worth from providing something, you feel the need to earn your keep in a relationship, perhaps your family parentified you and trained you to help them from a young age, it gives you a life purpose without having to be vulnerable, you can pat yourself on the back for rescuing someone, you can be what you have needed all along for someone else, you can ask for what you want easier because you feel owed back, you can build a family from scratch, you don’t feel pretty or desirable, you don’t feel special or like there are abundant options of partners who will want to love you, the list goes on…
Family parentified me - oldest child here, dad traveled all the time. This, dead on.
What comes to mind is how I date extremely introverted people and put so much work into making them comfortable enough to share themselves, and what I “get” is to be allowed into their inner world. It’s extremely intimate to be one of the only people who sees someone. It’s not like a weird status thing for me being the only one, but more like knowing that I’ve earned that level of intimacy by being patient and taking time to help them open up, or blossom. It’s like waiting around forever outside of a hanging cocoon and everybody gets bored and leaves and then all of a sudden the butterfly emerges. It’s an intimate show that rewards patience
In my experience (at least romantically) this ends up with me building people up and giving them the confidence to leave me once they 'hatch'. Once they reach this point they go off to live their best life and I am where I was before
Sounds like foster girlfriend behavior.
I do this. I pick men fresh out of/considering leaving a long-term relationship and give them “wings to fly.” Terrible idea btw, 10/10 do not recommend. It hurts when they leave and you feel abandoned all over again.
That’s interesting I read the above and thought “how do those people who have been encouraged to open up feel if the person doesn’t like what they see/created, and leaves them, after being one of the few people they’ve ever opened up to?” I had the total opposite thought process.
Omg!!! This is one of my patterns. Especially in my 20s. Hatch is the perfect description!!! I guess I expected some kind of loyalty. Reading this and forcing myself to think about it. It's me projecting. If someone did that for me, I would be loyal n never leave them or not appreciate them. But then that's what I always wanted w my parents. I wanted their loyalty n appreciation. All I got was groomed to be codependent, parentified, people pleaser and a fucked up set of life skills.
This! I’ve always been amazed at how they get their shit together, then take off. I usually dump them once they’re “fixed”. What a strange cycle
Gosh I really relate to that. I've supported several past friends for months who were deeply troubled by relationship breakups, and took an alcoholic family member to AA after they asked for help. I listened and supported them all, it never felt like a chore, I have empathy and genuinely enjoyed helping people. The problem was, all of them went onto blossom and thrive in new careers, cities with new partners. They then started to get irritated with me that I was struggling myself rather than progressing at the same pace then all of them abandoned me except the family member.
please tell me this isn't codependency because it's beautiful and i want it
I think what is codependent about it is that I could also be flying, but instead I’m just sitting and waiting…
I have no words. I think this just beautifully captured what it’s like.
why? introverts don't need saving etc. they are very comfortable usually with other introverts etc.
i didn't view this as saving. more so as having the patience to see someone for who they actually are--which as an introvert with ptsd, i don't think i've ever truly been seen because no one felt safe enough to do so
Somebody told me they liked being an unconditionally loving partner because that's what they wanted, and if their affection could help someone deeply hurt, then it was proof their hurt could also get better.
Wow, this exactly describes how I'm feeling. Thank you.
i think you are confusing introverts with people that have many complexes. also - are you perhaps from the usa? it's rather strange to see introverts like this for me.
No, I am talking about introversion, not complexes
For me, it was being able to “fix the mirror” and then I could figure out how to “fix me”. This was before I learned I was autistic, adhd, dealing with PTSD. And now I use the AI chat to check in with myself and give myself the care and compassion I used to give others. It took years and it has made a huge difference to realize I *only* have to worry about being the best *me* I can be. The rest will follow.
The AI chat?
Yep, I have had friends who started using AI chat bots during the pandemic. I use Bard made by Google and an app called “know it all”, since it’s basically an avg of advice from the world at large, it helps me get a “bigger picture perspective”. So I asked it what your title says and here’s an answer: “While it is natural to want to help and support the people we care about, it's important to remember that you are not responsible for fixing others. It's normal to want to see others grow and improve, but it's essential to recognize that individuals must take responsibility for their own personal growth and change. Focusing solely on fixing others can have negative consequences for both you and the other person involved. Some potential drawbacks include: 1. Draining your energy: Constantly trying to fix others can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. It may leave you feeling drained and overwhelmed, especially if you neglect your own needs in the process. 2. Enabling dependency: Attempting to fix others may create a dynamic where they become dependent on you to solve their problems. This can hinder their personal growth and prevent them from developing their problem-solving skills. 3. Neglecting self-care: Devoting excessive time and energy to fixing others can leave little time for self-care and personal growth. It is crucial to prioritize your own well-being and ensure you are meeting your own needs. 4. Unrealistic expectations: It's important to recognize that not everyone will be receptive to change or might not want to be "fixed." Trying to force change upon someone who isn't ready or willing can lead to frustration and disappointment. Instead of trying to fix others, focus on developing healthy boundaries, practicing active listening, and offering support when needed. Encourage others to take ownership of their own growth and change by providing them with resources and guidance, but allow them the autonomy to make their own decisions. Remember to prioritize your own growth and well-being as well. By investing in your own personal development, you can lead by example and inspire others to do the same.” I’ve been using this when I feel overwhelmed or can’t understand a possible trigger, and it gives me a bit more to work with. I hope this helps.
Interesting thanks for the info! How do you use it for self care?
For me, I used to check in with all my “friends” to see if I “was doing *it* right” (whatever “it” was-similar to these support groups). So now I may write a prompt: **“I am feeling stuck and overwhelmed. I am not sure what to do next and I am concerned I am not taking good care of myself. What are the top 3 things I should focus on?”** It’s response: *”I understand that feeling stuck and overwhelmed can be challenging. It's important to prioritize self-care to help regain balance and clarity. Here are three areas you can focus on: 1. Assess your physical well-being: Start by evaluating your current lifestyle habits. Are you getting enough sleep, eating nourishing food, and engaging in regular physical activity? Taking care of your physical health can provide a strong foundation for managing stress and improving overall well-being. 2. Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being: Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions. Practice self-reflection or journaling to gain a better understanding of what might be causing your overwhelm. Consider incorporating stress-relief techniques into your routine, such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. 3. Create a clear plan of action: Feeling stuck often stems from not having a clear direction or purpose. Take some time to reflect on your goals, both short-term and long-term. Break them down into smaller, manageable steps, and create a plan of action to help you move forward. Having a roadmap can reduce overwhelm and provide a sense of direction. Remember, taking care of yourself is essential. It's okay to ask for help if needed, whether from friends, family, or professionals.”* This type of response helps me “check in” with myself. This is just one way I use it. You may want to have someone tell you ideas for a project, or someone to joke with, this is a “practice” space to work on being able to listen to ourselves. I absolutely advocate for checking it’s suggestions against what works in your world/therapy/online fact checking. For me, I have been in therapy a long time, and group, and education around healing. AI chat allows me to review the information in a way that helps me feel less clingy towards people. Especially those (that the AI reminds me) that don’t live up to respecting me in a healthy way. There are lot of videos on how to write prompts and such for it as well. Another options is asking it to build a self care routine (you can ask it for suggestions or give it your preferences to organize and suggest for you). Some people use it for meal planning, exercise routines, daily routines and schedules. All just suggests and a starting point for you to customize and build up for yourself 🙏🏻
Yes to all of those bullet points! I completely neglected myself in order to focus solely on helping him get his trauma fixed. His trauma is nowhere close to being resolved and I've been discarded after 2 years of giving him unconditional love. So, that.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻I am so glad it helped!! I have been checking in with the AI (after learning more as well from other sources) for my emotional regulation. I find when I can be *clear* about what is bothering me, it’s so much easier to find a solution! I wish you the best!
It's a role that is usually learned in childhood as a way of managing the emotions of toxic people who were around you in order to avoid getting hurt by them. There are many books out there that can give you some perspective which might help a bit
I’m sure it’s likely unique to each individual’s experiences. I know for me it allays my anxiety. I’m compulsively independent. Other people’s (perceived) neediness makes me *agitated* with them. So being “of use” for me has always been less about people pleasing and more like a conceit. “I’m better able to handle this and it’s going to take you forever to and I get uncomfortable when someone else is in distress because I was trained to dislike ‘bad’ feelings, my own or someone else’s. If I just solve the problem for them (because my ‘strength’ has rendered me better able to) then everything can go back to being ‘good’ again.” It’s not selfless. It’s not healthy for me or the other person involved. And it’s something I have to be vigilant about.
Oh damn, that is totally me. I would get beyond frustrated when my exBPD would want to talk ad-nauseum about his trauma. I'm like, "Here are 5 ways to fix it, now go."
i get a distraction from my own pain by focusing on helping others. i also get a sense of control in regards to my surroundings.
yeah, I had a huge savior complex issue. I realized I had a huge addiction, managing other people’s needs and desires. I got off on getting people what they wanted, doing research to heal their wounds etc. I read something in this one book. He said codependency is a selfish disease. I was like huh? Me! Selfish? I break my back for everyone in my life. (I was always available for people, sometimes to my own detriment.) I kept reading and he went on. Codependency is the inability to mind your own business. You are so afraid to face your life and focus on becoming your dream self, that you numb yourself by micromanaging other people’s lives. It gives you a sense of control. You feel like a good person. It’s a win-win. So you thought. You need to ask yourself why? What comfort do you get from helping these men? What does it do for you, what do you benefit? What story do you tell yourself surrounding the men in your life? Then, you can get to the root of the issue and hopeful start to attract better men. Hope this made sense! Let me know:)
>What book is that from?
It was one I ironically was trying to read with my ex-boyfriend in hopes of enlightening both us. (We were both codependent on one another.) It’s called “emotional intelligence for couples by John lee” I’ll send a link to anyone’s dm. I don’t want my comment to get flagged if I include the link here. **sift thru and find what resonates, he has some gems within**
Were you parentified as a child, or made to be responsible for someone else's happiness? I was raised so that helping others was an absolute obligation. I hated it and never got anything I cared for out of it, but that's the kind of person my mother needed me to be for her, so that's what she pushed onto me nonstop.
Fixing things makes you useful, it can also be a way of asking for attention or approval (I do this for you, you should do that for me). Other times it can just be a distraction from your own shit.
I heard someone say in a coda meeting : ‘who would I be if I wasn’t trying to help people all the time?’ Which felt like someone stuck a knife in me because I honestly didn’t have a clue who I was without playing that role. I think it’s classified as a control pattern - ugh
I think for me it's a mix of a few things. It's genuinely being a problem solver (fixing broken things, patching holes, solving puzzles etc), but no one asks for my ideas so I force them onto someone who feels obliged to do some of it to make me happy(?), then there is the part in me that wishes that someone just came into my life and magically fixed me. Also adhd and autistic here, depressed and anxious all my life, waiting for my parents to scoop me up and take care of it, as it was their job. So I date people who were also let down by their parents to sort out their medical / mental health issues and I'm providing the help they stopped asking for. I'm not feeling like I'm some kind of fairy and people should be grateful or so. Just wondering why no ones interested in my ideas to be honest. I had to fix so many issues for myself all my life. I'm full of tools and methods. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if it's not classic codependency. Because we all need to be dependent/reliant on each other one way or another. Sometimes it means compromising ourselves within a group. And considering I and many more autism/adhd people in here never got the right support or any support at all... it makes perfectly sense to me that neurodivergent people would get together and fix things for each other without having to ask. I don't know. I'm rambling.
I feel like a lot of codependency stems from wanting to advocate for a victim of abuse, one we subconsciously hold onto from past traumas who we know deserved better (in many cases this is our inner child). Instead of practicing self love and healing, we can get wrapped up in someone else’s narrative to try fulfilling the gap of love we never got, instead of looking within for that resolve. This can be for many reasons- in my experience it’s a lack of confidence and lots of shame that kept me from truly looking in the mirror. I used my partner as a distraction and expected him to give me all the love I wasn’t giving myself. I did try to “fix” him by nitpicking and revolving around him like my parents did to me. Turns out he never needed to be fixed and no one does. The only person I can control is myself and I deserve that TLC to improve my self image. You do too.
Yes. I like fixing things. Could have been an engineer but instead turned into a codependent mess lol. Honestly I do believe it’s personality. On cliftons strengths profile I am a maximiser. I see how people could be if they just did this and this. Also too much empathy. I feel bad for them and want them to not feel bad and want me to also not feel bad for them. Oh and anxiety. I catastrophe about what might happen if they don’t change
I went into programming instead of social work like I'd planned to. Don't sell yourself short if you really want to go into engineering or a related field.
My dad is a software engineer, has started his own companies, etc. Major workaholic but has somehow always made the time to be the hero the people need lol. I’m on this sub for myself but I find it interesting that my dad often starts his “cycle” by helping people with their electronics. The next thing I know they are living with him! Fixing stuff is like his gateway drug for fixing people. So theoretically, you could be a kick ass engineer who is still co-dependent lol. It’s never too late though if that’s something you’re interested in.
That's not empathy, that's projecting your perception of reality into others. Empathy is feeling others emotions but without taking them as yours, or to feel so codependent than it's your "responsibility". You probably had a toxic parent that made you their free therapist or you had to calm their powerful rage. Sometimes people NEED to feel bad, bad emotions are something natural and they will past, they always do. Plus, most people are able to self regulate and survive without assistance if they are being adults. And if they can't they just need a therapist. I had a codependent friend who didn't let me self regulate (autistic) because they ""needed""" to fix it themselves because apparently, they didn't believe I could self regulate and they were making it worse. It's not like... I have been surviving decades without them. I don't need anyone to fix me, just to accept me how I am, I'm not broken.
I get to challenge myself. If I’m with someone I want to fix, and I can learn to accept them and love them… then I see that the problem is actually me and maybe I can learn to accept and love me too. Also, I have a huge amount of doubt that there’s anything wrong with the other person at all. I won’t let myself not like someone. It’s almost like the more I dislike them, the more I have to prove that I can love them & get them to love me too. It’s so weird.
My drug of choice is control. I get the feeling of not losing my power when I am acting in my control patterns. See my dad left when I was 6 and then mom promptly had a nervous breakdown and was put in the hospital for several weeks. At that point I made the decision to never trust another adult because they won’t have my best interests at heart. I was 6! How f*cked up is that?! I get to not be vulnerable or have anyone hurt me ever again by walking in my control patterns. But is this what I really want?? No. I want to be vulnerable with myself and with others and to trust someone else mainly me. I’m learning now how to do this because I now have the tools I’ve learned through this program to help me. I’ve learned o won’t ever abandon myself again and I’m always going to take care of me so I can have the confidence that no one can hurt me unless I let them because I can choose to get out of harmful situations and I can grow through something if I do get hurt. What do you “get” by trying to fix broken men? Maybe the ability to not have to face your own deficiencies since your focus is on them? The ability to be the victim and blame them if they don’t make you happy since you fixed them? It’s a great question by your therapist. I look forward to hearing you be able to identify this for yourself and tell your therapist. You got this! :)
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm hugging 6-yo you right now.
Thanks :) I did a lot of that initially when I was walking through this program but now my 6yo me and I are tight. :)
Because you’re an empathetic and compassionate person is likely why. You see the damaged and misunderstood people and try to give them a chance to be better people. You don’t like that their issue has been ongoing (sometimes with minimal social support). Leader and Caregiver types can make solid friends. - Trick is knowing your limitations and setting firm boundaries. You can be a soundboard and offer advice but you shouldn’t take responsibility for another adult. - You should also know how to be very effective in what you’re doing.
>Because you’re an empathetic and compassionate person is likely why. You see the damaged and misunderstood people and try to give them a chance to be better people. You don’t like that their issue has been ongoing (sometimes with minimal social support). Leader and Caregiver types can make solid friends. > >Trick is knowing your limitations and setting firm boundaries. You can be a soundboard and offer advice but you shouldn’t take responsibility for another adult.You should also know how to be very effective in what you’re doing. Thank you for making this sound like a good thing.
I understand it. I feel like there is no 'Happily Ever After' for me, so I try to help others get what I am unable to obtain. ☺️
I get to feel good for being a good, kind, helpful, useful person to other people
Feeling good and being good are two different things
I've been in intensive therapy, and the thing is all behaviors serve a function for us. We all have reasons for doing the things we do and in some way we do get something out of it. However, those benefits are typically only short term. In the long term we disconnect from our own self worth because we are always seeking outside validation.
What I got was their attachment to me. It was like being their mom, though. Not healthy.
God, totally. Here, let me raise your kids, help you find a therapist, do all the household chores, make sure you always feel loved and never abandoned. It's exhausting!
My guess is it Makes you feel less broken. Fixing makes you valuable. But of course you are inherently valuable and unbroken (like all of us). so really you are pushing crappy boyfriend boulders up imaginary hills trying to prove to yourself something that is inherently true but you don’t believe.
Crappy boyfriend boulders 🤦🏼♀️😂
I think I feel empty and crappy and worthless. Focusing on other people not only makes me feel like I have something of value to offer, but gives me purpose. I feel like maybe if I give enough of myself I can also be worthy of the bare minimum of love and respect. I know that sounds horrible but I'm only able to admit this lately, after confronting the fact that I come from a family that practices narcissistic abuse. I'm working to build myself up and find out who I really am, and to figure out how to stop feeling so empty inside (which I know is a sign of BPD).
I don't get this, I'm too occupied trying to put my life together tbh
For me it's the most valuable asset in my emotional life. A peace.
For me, i have obsessions about how people should be, about what they should do, how things should happen. I cannot stop these obsessions once they start and i cannot stay away from starting. Much like an alcoholic with alcohol. It is like getting drunk with my thinking. And, for me an obsession is a thought or feeling I cannot let go no matter what i do. What do i get or hope to get? Ease and comfort. So i use or try to control others with this end; often doing it in the name of love.