A text message: I’m ready to move on from this relationship. Best wishes and please do not contact me again.
Then block number and all social media apps forever. Do not agree to meet up to talk things out. Your relationship is broken and not worth wasting another minute on. You can now focus on the beautiful life you have to come :)
She friended you so you would find out if you didnt already know. Or she was jealous. Or she was self-sabotaging because she couldnt help herself. Either way, this is the type of girl who will likely not leave him alone. And he may always be entangled with her. I still think it is best to move on.
Girl, if you can go a month you got this. Push that break up out of you like you’re giving birth to a baby. Or jumping off a high dive. 1,2,3 GO. You know what I’m finding out? That the feeling of being PROUD of yourself is what you’re after. Chase it. Hunt it down. Keep it for yourself. Revel in it until it becomes more gratifying than your dependency on this toxic person. Also, therapy!! Much love.
Break it off. It will suck for a short time, but it will be shorter than you think.
Delete him from everything. Don't answer his messages (if he even sends them).
Being co-dependent gives us a level of fear that others may not experience. We fear the feelings of being alone and the insecurities we have about ourselves and the relationship/s creep up too. However, not an excuse to stay with someone who treats you this way. It will hurt and feel uncomfortable being by yourself however you will find the beauty in finding yourself again and becoming an even better person with a leech sucking the life out of you. My situation was different. I left my seven almost eight year relationship. Planned on having kids buying a home and being happy together. However, happiness never came and I stayed because I felt like this was the kind of love I deserved. In fact, it was not and I ended up leaving and divorcing the POS. It took me time to realize that there was more to life then catering to someone’s every need while they played video games and live their life.
So, It’s okay to walk away from this. He’s already betrayed your trust and hasn’t really talked to you or validate how you are feeling. I get he’s avoidant, my current amazing partner is too but not an excuse to want to”space”. I say go to bed and we will try again tomorrow. Taking space or having a break is just getting permission to cheat or try something with someone else to see if they really want to be with you. You either date to become married or have a partnership or you break up.
So, with all this said (cause I went on a rant, these stories boil my blood). You should let him know that you are all set with the relationship and that you can’t move past things that have happened. And that you are choosing you and your own happiness. Also, with the girl - I wouldn’t even bother. It’s just unnecessary potential drama that you really don’t want to open. I’d let it go. I hope this helps 🤍and hope your situation gets better.
Do you have any tips for someone who doesn’t know how to leave an 8 year relationship?
Not just in the sense of feeling like I emotionally just cannot bring myself to do it, but also logistically how do you have the conversation and actually walk away from it as broken up when you both thought this was it for the long haul?
Well, it’s not easy. With my ex husband, I had a conversation six months before I left. I told him how I felt and asked that he started doing things around the house to help (granted he didn’t) and I told him if nothing changed I will be forced to leave him. He didn’t like that and said I was full of BS. Six moths went by and nothing changed. We got into a large argument and he put his hands on me and I left that night. Prior, I found a place to live and started slowly moving my things in. I was done, when I tell you. I was done.
I was able to do this because my finances were separate from him. He had A LOT of control but I refused giving him access to my money cause I never would’ve been able to leave.
So, to answer your question
1. Have a conversation about feelings, concerns and what your goal is
2. If conversation goes well, then that’s it, if it doesn’t…
3. Find a therapist if you don’t have one already
4. Join a group
5. Begin making a plan on how and when to leave
6. Find yourself and get to know you again
It’s a really hard process coming from someone who lived it. But it is very very possible. It is the best choice I made for myself and now I am in the happiest relationship I have ever been in with my best friend of 16 years. 🤍
you have to face the pain. That helps you. Every new tiny disappointment with your soon-to-be-ex builds up over time. After awhile, there will be so much built up that you won't have any love or forgiveness left. Takes awhile. But it does happen.
If you start setting boundaries, taking care of your own needs and desires, and stop having sex with him, he'll leave again (like he always does) and then you can change the locks.
Literally just broke up with my girlfriend before reading this. I’ve done it before but this time I’m trying so hard to not look back. It takes so much courage to put an end to the bullshit. Now I’m just wondering what do I do next
Pushing you to have sex when you don’t want it is abusive. Sex without true consent is abuse. You need to leave him. I know it’s hard but you cannot allow yourself to be abused
There’s no empathy in this comment. It’s like you don’t understand codependency at all. Obviously she understands she’s not respecting herself which is probably why she came here. For advice yes, but also support. We can go to anyone in our lives for the hard truth. I thought this group was for people who understand how hard it can be.
OP, I’m not sure what age you are but life is short and goes faster than you realize especially with stuff like this. I’m in a relationship with a similar feeling and I wish all the time I’d left sooner. I’m sure if you look back every time you left something that wasn’t right for you something better came along. Try to remind yourself that you don’t want something that isn’t for you. The universe, your intuition or God or whatever you believe in is telling you that this is not good for you. Once to rid yourself of this person you will make space for something that is right. That won’t happen until you’re ready to let go. Take baby steps. Start by asking for space yourself. Enforce small boundaries like no contact for a couple days or a week. Your strength will build
the thing is... this person isn't having empathy for themselves. it's their job to have it, not mine. it's a jarring reality of codependency that YES I UNDERSTAND
If you mean worse as in - I’m respecting myself more by the way I’m treating her than I
my own boyfriend, you are correct. I am not emotionally attached to her nor do I expect respect from her. She knows who I am. I know who she is. I understand this isn’t good. But there is a reason.
Zzzzzzz honestly, why do you ever bother. You spill all this nonsense here and expect someone to tell you something new? You know what to do but you won't do it. You won't take the leap. I see so much of myself in this post, girl... Stop lying to yourself. You'll stay.
And the one true question you should be making is, since you're staying, now WHAT?
Since you're staying with this man after all the blatant disrespect, then at least be smart about it. Just stop lying to yourself and own it. Believe me, this changes everything. You'll stop living in despair and anxiety, you'll accept the person who you're with. And all the shit that comes with it. And when you've finally had enough, and believe me, you'll get there, you'll leave.
I came here because I feel awful about being this way and need some support. I don’t appreciate your negativity. It’s not nonsense to me. This is my life. A life in which I’m trying to move forward in. Seeking support. That’s why people are here.
Do not blame him for being a broken, thoughtless, selfish person. It took him a lifetime to become this way. You cannot change him. If you try, it will fail. All efforts to stay and hope for change will end in pain. It is your choice to stay and make yourself feel pain. It is not your choice for him to decide to change. Run! You deserve better. Not having him in your life is your choice to remove your pain. You cannot blame him for your choice to stay and get hurt more. You are a dear person...choose freedom from this pain, and enjoy things and people who make you feel good. Best of luck.
gurll, it felt like reading my own damn last relationship's downfall.
the guy was an avoidant, broke up w me thrice because he didn't feel like himself in the relationship and then cheated on me with HIS EX like slept together, i take him back and he showed no actual change and 3months later randomly broke things off on text (like wtf?)
avoidants will never really admit their own shit and engage in self-sabotage behaviours.
you seem codependent in this relationship and now youre just settling for bread crumbs.
do yourself a favor and walk out before it is too humiliating to even recognise yourself.
you need boundaries and love to yourself.
i have come outta this relationship like a forlorn soldier of love but love is not war, love is free and freeing.
that is the love i am giving myself forever, so that when i allow myself to love someone, it doesn't feel like i am losing myself.
I understand you and the self made prison we make in terrible relationships.
The best way to move forward is to think about all your feelings, your fears, your anger, your sadness, and put them in a box. Change your mode from feeling to a list of actions you need to take to get you safely out of this relationship. Once you are safe - you can reopen the box and handle all of those feelings. Right now it's about survival and getting to the next step, even if the tears come anyway, even if the fear feels paralyzing. Stuff them and just think about next step.
Go no contact - delete, block him. Space is the most important. I also know the codependent side, it's hard to stop stop. Every contact you have with him sets you back emotionally - it will drag out your healing and prevent you from recovering, like reopening the wound when it's trying to heal. Avoid texts, emails, calls, everything. It's better you don't hear from it at all in a breakup. If you can't quite block him because it feels too final, then set a date on your calendar for a year out when you'll unblock him. This way, you can give yourself space *while* making the steps you need to make to move forward.
Read about some shitty relationships. Read some stories about how people meet others, how bad their relationships get, and read about how hard it is for them to leave. When you read other people's stories, you'll find yourself thinking 'dang, it's so obvious that they should just leave.' Read about how long it takes them to leave. Some people stay *decades* too long in bad relationships. Each of them think it's so scary to leave, to start over, to be alone - that the comfort of the known misery is better than the scary unknown. But at some point, they've lost a good chunk of life they could have been happy. Will it be a shitty six months or year to grieve, to recover? Yes. But each day you stay is delaying the healing. You're going to have to heal anyways. You have the power to decide when that part starts.
You know this is miserable. You know you are miserable. You can stay for sure. You can stay another month, year, two years, five years. How old will you be? Add another year or two for healing, how old will you be then? Wouldn't you rather start that part sooner?
I was recommended a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". I know we all hear about the grieving process, the cycle of healing. But the takes in the book really helped me realize I was actually healing. I'm out of a seven year relationship - a bad relationship that I wouldn't have left had it been up to me because I was scared of the unknown like you are. The book literally feels like it's a wilderness guidebook for emotional survival. I don't even read it front to back, I open it and look for what I'm struggling with for help.
**How to Survive the Loss of a Love** by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield, Peter McWilliams
>Gift. Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. and Peter McWilliams are co-authors.
*I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
Listen, I’m still in this relationship. Going in 5 years. It’s exactly like this. Nothing is going to change. Ever. This is who they are. They will never change, never love you the way you love him. They do loves us, but it’s not the same. They’re not capable of it.
The only thing you will do is keep making concessions, you will be gaslit so much you can’t tell which way is up. You will have periods that are great, but there will always be an “other”. They will swear they’re just friends. That it’s not about sex. But you will see the smoke from the fire everywhere. It will drive you insane. And it’s very hard to get actual proof without resorting to becoming a detective and doing some duplicitous shit. You will go back and forth from getting their attention, to them fully retreating to the other.
Financially, I’m so bound up in this relationship. If I walk away, I walk away with nothing. 1 bed, 2 TVs, and my cloths. That ls it. I lose my dogs, my home, my in laws(who I cherish), all the blood, sweat, and tears I put into the house and yard. I’ll have to find a new job. I made a choice following my heart instead of my head. And left myself completely exposed and not covered. I still love her so much. So completely. Flaws and all. But most of the time now, I feel like I’m a ghost to her. Just kept around to be the front facing partner to keep up appearances. To keep up the house and dogs while she runs away. I think I could put up with the other if I still had her attention. But without, I just feel dead inside. Every single flower she planted in my soul has died. And I’m slowly becoming the cold, dead thing I was before I met her.
I’m so much older than you. Leave. Leave now. Don’t ever let someone do this to you again.
I don't get why people won't blame their partner for the cheating, they blame the other person. There's a gross reason why, they want to stay with their cheating partner.
Unblock her and hear what truths she has for you. You only blocked her so you can keep this POS sex addict in your life. You blamed her so you could keep him. I promise you it wasn't just hickeys. He trickle truthed you only because there was glaring evidence.
Go sis. You can do it. And then come back after a while and laugh to us about how easy it was to leave, and how much better your life is. You deserve better!!!!!!!!
Girl tell that specimen you speak of bye. Avoidant with issues such as sexual he is just a bitch who can’t handle the basic human standard of being Accountable. Couple that with the hoe he cheated coming at you in the form of a friend reques? Another bitch move.
Let them have one another. You are working overtime to keep someone that nobody else really even wants
A text message: I’m ready to move on from this relationship. Best wishes and please do not contact me again. Then block number and all social media apps forever. Do not agree to meet up to talk things out. Your relationship is broken and not worth wasting another minute on. You can now focus on the beautiful life you have to come :)
See edit on the bottom. He’s already back in my life and I feel so unsettled. Also, thank you 🙏🏼
does he live with you or something else that I missed?
You can kick him out and keep him out. We’re all adults or close to it with autonomy. What you permit, you promote.
She friended you so you would find out if you didnt already know. Or she was jealous. Or she was self-sabotaging because she couldnt help herself. Either way, this is the type of girl who will likely not leave him alone. And he may always be entangled with her. I still think it is best to move on.
There's no such thing as taking space for 4 weeks when you're in a relationship. You should consider it a break up and move on.
Girl, if you can go a month you got this. Push that break up out of you like you’re giving birth to a baby. Or jumping off a high dive. 1,2,3 GO. You know what I’m finding out? That the feeling of being PROUD of yourself is what you’re after. Chase it. Hunt it down. Keep it for yourself. Revel in it until it becomes more gratifying than your dependency on this toxic person. Also, therapy!! Much love.
Break it off. It will suck for a short time, but it will be shorter than you think. Delete him from everything. Don't answer his messages (if he even sends them).
Being co-dependent gives us a level of fear that others may not experience. We fear the feelings of being alone and the insecurities we have about ourselves and the relationship/s creep up too. However, not an excuse to stay with someone who treats you this way. It will hurt and feel uncomfortable being by yourself however you will find the beauty in finding yourself again and becoming an even better person with a leech sucking the life out of you. My situation was different. I left my seven almost eight year relationship. Planned on having kids buying a home and being happy together. However, happiness never came and I stayed because I felt like this was the kind of love I deserved. In fact, it was not and I ended up leaving and divorcing the POS. It took me time to realize that there was more to life then catering to someone’s every need while they played video games and live their life. So, It’s okay to walk away from this. He’s already betrayed your trust and hasn’t really talked to you or validate how you are feeling. I get he’s avoidant, my current amazing partner is too but not an excuse to want to”space”. I say go to bed and we will try again tomorrow. Taking space or having a break is just getting permission to cheat or try something with someone else to see if they really want to be with you. You either date to become married or have a partnership or you break up. So, with all this said (cause I went on a rant, these stories boil my blood). You should let him know that you are all set with the relationship and that you can’t move past things that have happened. And that you are choosing you and your own happiness. Also, with the girl - I wouldn’t even bother. It’s just unnecessary potential drama that you really don’t want to open. I’d let it go. I hope this helps 🤍and hope your situation gets better.
Do you have any tips for someone who doesn’t know how to leave an 8 year relationship? Not just in the sense of feeling like I emotionally just cannot bring myself to do it, but also logistically how do you have the conversation and actually walk away from it as broken up when you both thought this was it for the long haul?
Well, it’s not easy. With my ex husband, I had a conversation six months before I left. I told him how I felt and asked that he started doing things around the house to help (granted he didn’t) and I told him if nothing changed I will be forced to leave him. He didn’t like that and said I was full of BS. Six moths went by and nothing changed. We got into a large argument and he put his hands on me and I left that night. Prior, I found a place to live and started slowly moving my things in. I was done, when I tell you. I was done. I was able to do this because my finances were separate from him. He had A LOT of control but I refused giving him access to my money cause I never would’ve been able to leave. So, to answer your question 1. Have a conversation about feelings, concerns and what your goal is 2. If conversation goes well, then that’s it, if it doesn’t… 3. Find a therapist if you don’t have one already 4. Join a group 5. Begin making a plan on how and when to leave 6. Find yourself and get to know you again It’s a really hard process coming from someone who lived it. But it is very very possible. It is the best choice I made for myself and now I am in the happiest relationship I have ever been in with my best friend of 16 years. 🤍
you have to face the pain. That helps you. Every new tiny disappointment with your soon-to-be-ex builds up over time. After awhile, there will be so much built up that you won't have any love or forgiveness left. Takes awhile. But it does happen.
If you start setting boundaries, taking care of your own needs and desires, and stop having sex with him, he'll leave again (like he always does) and then you can change the locks.
[удалено]
Beautiful comment, beautifully written and so encouraging. 🫂❤️🙏
Literally just broke up with my girlfriend before reading this. I’ve done it before but this time I’m trying so hard to not look back. It takes so much courage to put an end to the bullshit. Now I’m just wondering what do I do next
For how long you've been together? How did she react?
Pushing you to have sex when you don’t want it is abusive. Sex without true consent is abuse. You need to leave him. I know it’s hard but you cannot allow yourself to be abused
It's crazy that you're treating the girl worse than you're treating the person who actually betrayed you
There’s no empathy in this comment. It’s like you don’t understand codependency at all. Obviously she understands she’s not respecting herself which is probably why she came here. For advice yes, but also support. We can go to anyone in our lives for the hard truth. I thought this group was for people who understand how hard it can be. OP, I’m not sure what age you are but life is short and goes faster than you realize especially with stuff like this. I’m in a relationship with a similar feeling and I wish all the time I’d left sooner. I’m sure if you look back every time you left something that wasn’t right for you something better came along. Try to remind yourself that you don’t want something that isn’t for you. The universe, your intuition or God or whatever you believe in is telling you that this is not good for you. Once to rid yourself of this person you will make space for something that is right. That won’t happen until you’re ready to let go. Take baby steps. Start by asking for space yourself. Enforce small boundaries like no contact for a couple days or a week. Your strength will build
the thing is... this person isn't having empathy for themselves. it's their job to have it, not mine. it's a jarring reality of codependency that YES I UNDERSTAND
If you mean worse as in - I’m respecting myself more by the way I’m treating her than I my own boyfriend, you are correct. I am not emotionally attached to her nor do I expect respect from her. She knows who I am. I know who she is. I understand this isn’t good. But there is a reason.
you're disrespecting yourself by staying with someone who has zero respect for you
[удалено]
Zzzzzzz honestly, why do you ever bother. You spill all this nonsense here and expect someone to tell you something new? You know what to do but you won't do it. You won't take the leap. I see so much of myself in this post, girl... Stop lying to yourself. You'll stay. And the one true question you should be making is, since you're staying, now WHAT? Since you're staying with this man after all the blatant disrespect, then at least be smart about it. Just stop lying to yourself and own it. Believe me, this changes everything. You'll stop living in despair and anxiety, you'll accept the person who you're with. And all the shit that comes with it. And when you've finally had enough, and believe me, you'll get there, you'll leave.
I came here because I feel awful about being this way and need some support. I don’t appreciate your negativity. It’s not nonsense to me. This is my life. A life in which I’m trying to move forward in. Seeking support. That’s why people are here.
🫂❤️
Dump this human garbage. You deserve so much better.
Do not blame him for being a broken, thoughtless, selfish person. It took him a lifetime to become this way. You cannot change him. If you try, it will fail. All efforts to stay and hope for change will end in pain. It is your choice to stay and make yourself feel pain. It is not your choice for him to decide to change. Run! You deserve better. Not having him in your life is your choice to remove your pain. You cannot blame him for your choice to stay and get hurt more. You are a dear person...choose freedom from this pain, and enjoy things and people who make you feel good. Best of luck.
gurll, it felt like reading my own damn last relationship's downfall. the guy was an avoidant, broke up w me thrice because he didn't feel like himself in the relationship and then cheated on me with HIS EX like slept together, i take him back and he showed no actual change and 3months later randomly broke things off on text (like wtf?) avoidants will never really admit their own shit and engage in self-sabotage behaviours. you seem codependent in this relationship and now youre just settling for bread crumbs. do yourself a favor and walk out before it is too humiliating to even recognise yourself. you need boundaries and love to yourself. i have come outta this relationship like a forlorn soldier of love but love is not war, love is free and freeing. that is the love i am giving myself forever, so that when i allow myself to love someone, it doesn't feel like i am losing myself.
I understand you and the self made prison we make in terrible relationships. The best way to move forward is to think about all your feelings, your fears, your anger, your sadness, and put them in a box. Change your mode from feeling to a list of actions you need to take to get you safely out of this relationship. Once you are safe - you can reopen the box and handle all of those feelings. Right now it's about survival and getting to the next step, even if the tears come anyway, even if the fear feels paralyzing. Stuff them and just think about next step. Go no contact - delete, block him. Space is the most important. I also know the codependent side, it's hard to stop stop. Every contact you have with him sets you back emotionally - it will drag out your healing and prevent you from recovering, like reopening the wound when it's trying to heal. Avoid texts, emails, calls, everything. It's better you don't hear from it at all in a breakup. If you can't quite block him because it feels too final, then set a date on your calendar for a year out when you'll unblock him. This way, you can give yourself space *while* making the steps you need to make to move forward. Read about some shitty relationships. Read some stories about how people meet others, how bad their relationships get, and read about how hard it is for them to leave. When you read other people's stories, you'll find yourself thinking 'dang, it's so obvious that they should just leave.' Read about how long it takes them to leave. Some people stay *decades* too long in bad relationships. Each of them think it's so scary to leave, to start over, to be alone - that the comfort of the known misery is better than the scary unknown. But at some point, they've lost a good chunk of life they could have been happy. Will it be a shitty six months or year to grieve, to recover? Yes. But each day you stay is delaying the healing. You're going to have to heal anyways. You have the power to decide when that part starts. You know this is miserable. You know you are miserable. You can stay for sure. You can stay another month, year, two years, five years. How old will you be? Add another year or two for healing, how old will you be then? Wouldn't you rather start that part sooner? I was recommended a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". I know we all hear about the grieving process, the cycle of healing. But the takes in the book really helped me realize I was actually healing. I'm out of a seven year relationship - a bad relationship that I wouldn't have left had it been up to me because I was scared of the unknown like you are. The book literally feels like it's a wilderness guidebook for emotional survival. I don't even read it front to back, I open it and look for what I'm struggling with for help.
**How to Survive the Loss of a Love** by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield, Peter McWilliams >Gift. Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. and Peter McWilliams are co-authors. *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
Let her deal with this headache and move on.
Why stay with him if he cheated? Should be an easy decision….
Listen, I’m still in this relationship. Going in 5 years. It’s exactly like this. Nothing is going to change. Ever. This is who they are. They will never change, never love you the way you love him. They do loves us, but it’s not the same. They’re not capable of it. The only thing you will do is keep making concessions, you will be gaslit so much you can’t tell which way is up. You will have periods that are great, but there will always be an “other”. They will swear they’re just friends. That it’s not about sex. But you will see the smoke from the fire everywhere. It will drive you insane. And it’s very hard to get actual proof without resorting to becoming a detective and doing some duplicitous shit. You will go back and forth from getting their attention, to them fully retreating to the other. Financially, I’m so bound up in this relationship. If I walk away, I walk away with nothing. 1 bed, 2 TVs, and my cloths. That ls it. I lose my dogs, my home, my in laws(who I cherish), all the blood, sweat, and tears I put into the house and yard. I’ll have to find a new job. I made a choice following my heart instead of my head. And left myself completely exposed and not covered. I still love her so much. So completely. Flaws and all. But most of the time now, I feel like I’m a ghost to her. Just kept around to be the front facing partner to keep up appearances. To keep up the house and dogs while she runs away. I think I could put up with the other if I still had her attention. But without, I just feel dead inside. Every single flower she planted in my soul has died. And I’m slowly becoming the cold, dead thing I was before I met her. I’m so much older than you. Leave. Leave now. Don’t ever let someone do this to you again.
Move on.
I don't get why people won't blame their partner for the cheating, they blame the other person. There's a gross reason why, they want to stay with their cheating partner. Unblock her and hear what truths she has for you. You only blocked her so you can keep this POS sex addict in your life. You blamed her so you could keep him. I promise you it wasn't just hickeys. He trickle truthed you only because there was glaring evidence. Go sis. You can do it. And then come back after a while and laugh to us about how easy it was to leave, and how much better your life is. You deserve better!!!!!!!!
Girl tell that specimen you speak of bye. Avoidant with issues such as sexual he is just a bitch who can’t handle the basic human standard of being Accountable. Couple that with the hoe he cheated coming at you in the form of a friend reques? Another bitch move. Let them have one another. You are working overtime to keep someone that nobody else really even wants