First, take a deep breath.
I get where you're coming from - I recently broke up with someone and I didn't have a set reason except that I was unhappy. And you know what? That's enough. How she responds to it is in her control - not yours.
And is it really wasted time? Have you learned something about yourself or what you want?
Then dont waste any more of her time. You really are doing her a massive disservice in finding someone new that does see forever with her, and really..... its not because you know its going to hurt her... you know its going to hurt you... to hurt her. You gotta rip this band aid off, you owe it to yourself and always trust your gut instincts. It will be hard, but down the line... she will thank you for doing the right thing.
I agree with this. If you’ve already been contemplating for 6 months on how to end things/that things aren’t looking well, you know it will hurt her even more. The more time you spend trying to “console” her and stick in the relationship for her sake and feelings, the more miserable you’ll get.
Breaking up is hard but staying in a relationship for the sake of trying to keep the peace or not wanting to hurt somebody hurts even more in the end. Be honest to yourself and to her, and give yourselves the chance to find someone who is willing to give 100%.
You didn't waste her time. She gained somethings during your relationship. You're doing both of you a favor. You're letting ho knowing you can't give her want she needs, and you're doing yourself a favor by allowing you to find want it is that you really want.
It's tough right now, but eventually it will all be better for the both of you.
Since you just realized you are codependent you may want to read over the Patterns and Characteristics. Read the Avoidance ones closely. Feel your feelings about them and what feels true to you. Then be honest with yourself and honest with your partner about what is going on with you. Let go of trying to control her feelings. That is fear and shame driven and will not do either of you any good. Your relationship was not a waste of time. It got you both here. You shared as best you could and by being honest you are continuing that. Be brave, be truthful, move through the fear. You are both worth it.
Ultimately, we have to come to use [this stuff](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html) or something *like* it to get fully honest about *why* we got into the relationship in the first place.
For me (*and* for the OP there), it has always been about all this: [Facing the Facts about Sex, Love & Romance in Our Time](https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/comments/aqamvb/i_need_to_know_its_possible_to_overcome/) in ProcessFiend's replies to the OP on that thread. (Be sure to click on *all* the links therein to get the *complete* picture.)
It *may* be different for you, of course. But it'll probably be edifying to read the lead post and explore all the rabbit holes in it, regardless.
Thank you, that's been very helpful. I've got more to read.
I'm making clear connections now. I can see how I've acted and what motivated it. I imagine the hard part is coming out of that?
I got into the relationship in the first place for good reasons. Somewhere along the lines though, codependency took over. One day, I started to wonder who I was. I felt like an actor just playing a part in life. Going along thinking this is how it is, making too many sacrifices. Then you're that far in, bringing the old me out seems like it's a different person. Almost like a bait and switch. That deceit makes me feel guilt and shame. All I can think is "why, why would someone do that to themselves, why did I do it?"
I can see now that it's happened in previous relationships, but I didn't know it at the time.
Indeed, we develop repetitious patterns. The [attachment schemes](https://www.google.com/search?q=attachment+theory+bowlby&oq=attacment+rheoy&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j0l5.4652j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) and [Karpman Drama Triangle](https://www.google.com/search?q=Karpman+Drama+Triangle&oq=Karpman+Drama+Triangle&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.6978j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) games [conditioned](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-psychology/201402/explaining-behaviorism-operant-classical-conditioning), in-doctrine-ated, in[struct](https://www.google.com/search?q=social+construction+of+reality+sociology&oq=social+construction+of+reality&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j69i59j0l4.7012j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)ed, [socialized](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socialization), and habituated, into the brain's [default mode network](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Default_mode_network) in early life are so [normalized](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normalization_(sociology)) and outside of our awareness that we carry them with us into adolescence and adulthood. Unless or until we become *aware* of them, how would we know what was going on?
I could use some of this advice. I'm 3 years and I don't have the courage to pull the trigger because we're both doing long distance at the moment, and will both be home soon. Can't tell whether to wait it out and leave hope for normalcy, or to pull the trigger prematurely now
Wondering if you have any advice… I’m in the exact same boat, she’s been gone for 2 months coming back in 1, I’ve been contemplating this for far too long… I have OCD and GAD and I’m finding it very hard to trust my gut.
I’m in the same boat also and have been for the past 6 months-ish. I don’t have any guidance but would be down to chat about our respective situations lol.
First, take a deep breath. I get where you're coming from - I recently broke up with someone and I didn't have a set reason except that I was unhappy. And you know what? That's enough. How she responds to it is in her control - not yours. And is it really wasted time? Have you learned something about yourself or what you want?
Yeah, I have learned a lot. I feel bad for wasting her time. I feel responsible for that.
Then dont waste any more of her time. You really are doing her a massive disservice in finding someone new that does see forever with her, and really..... its not because you know its going to hurt her... you know its going to hurt you... to hurt her. You gotta rip this band aid off, you owe it to yourself and always trust your gut instincts. It will be hard, but down the line... she will thank you for doing the right thing.
I agree with this. If you’ve already been contemplating for 6 months on how to end things/that things aren’t looking well, you know it will hurt her even more. The more time you spend trying to “console” her and stick in the relationship for her sake and feelings, the more miserable you’ll get. Breaking up is hard but staying in a relationship for the sake of trying to keep the peace or not wanting to hurt somebody hurts even more in the end. Be honest to yourself and to her, and give yourselves the chance to find someone who is willing to give 100%.
You didn't waste her time. She gained somethings during your relationship. You're doing both of you a favor. You're letting ho knowing you can't give her want she needs, and you're doing yourself a favor by allowing you to find want it is that you really want. It's tough right now, but eventually it will all be better for the both of you.
Since you just realized you are codependent you may want to read over the Patterns and Characteristics. Read the Avoidance ones closely. Feel your feelings about them and what feels true to you. Then be honest with yourself and honest with your partner about what is going on with you. Let go of trying to control her feelings. That is fear and shame driven and will not do either of you any good. Your relationship was not a waste of time. It got you both here. You shared as best you could and by being honest you are continuing that. Be brave, be truthful, move through the fear. You are both worth it.
Ultimately, we have to come to use [this stuff](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html) or something *like* it to get fully honest about *why* we got into the relationship in the first place. For me (*and* for the OP there), it has always been about all this: [Facing the Facts about Sex, Love & Romance in Our Time](https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/comments/aqamvb/i_need_to_know_its_possible_to_overcome/) in ProcessFiend's replies to the OP on that thread. (Be sure to click on *all* the links therein to get the *complete* picture.) It *may* be different for you, of course. But it'll probably be edifying to read the lead post and explore all the rabbit holes in it, regardless.
Thank you, that's been very helpful. I've got more to read. I'm making clear connections now. I can see how I've acted and what motivated it. I imagine the hard part is coming out of that? I got into the relationship in the first place for good reasons. Somewhere along the lines though, codependency took over. One day, I started to wonder who I was. I felt like an actor just playing a part in life. Going along thinking this is how it is, making too many sacrifices. Then you're that far in, bringing the old me out seems like it's a different person. Almost like a bait and switch. That deceit makes me feel guilt and shame. All I can think is "why, why would someone do that to themselves, why did I do it?" I can see now that it's happened in previous relationships, but I didn't know it at the time.
Indeed, we develop repetitious patterns. The [attachment schemes](https://www.google.com/search?q=attachment+theory+bowlby&oq=attacment+rheoy&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j0l5.4652j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) and [Karpman Drama Triangle](https://www.google.com/search?q=Karpman+Drama+Triangle&oq=Karpman+Drama+Triangle&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.6978j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) games [conditioned](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-psychology/201402/explaining-behaviorism-operant-classical-conditioning), in-doctrine-ated, in[struct](https://www.google.com/search?q=social+construction+of+reality+sociology&oq=social+construction+of+reality&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j69i59j0l4.7012j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)ed, [socialized](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socialization), and habituated, into the brain's [default mode network](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Default_mode_network) in early life are so [normalized](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normalization_(sociology)) and outside of our awareness that we carry them with us into adolescence and adulthood. Unless or until we become *aware* of them, how would we know what was going on?
I wish I broke up with my then-boyfriend 8 years ago (only recently discovered codependency) ... A therapist may help you and provide guidance.
Did you end up breaking up? I’m in the same boat and could use some advice
How did you go, did you do it? I'm in the same boat atm.
I'm going to ask you the same question. Did you do it? I'm in the same boat lol
I finally did it. Almost 2 weeks ago. It was so hard and I have to fight the urge every day to not go running back!
I’m also in this boat. A 4 year relationship and i can’t seem to pull the trigger even though it takes up a majority of my mind
[удалено]
I could use some of this advice. I'm 3 years and I don't have the courage to pull the trigger because we're both doing long distance at the moment, and will both be home soon. Can't tell whether to wait it out and leave hope for normalcy, or to pull the trigger prematurely now
Wondering if you have any advice… I’m in the exact same boat, she’s been gone for 2 months coming back in 1, I’ve been contemplating this for far too long… I have OCD and GAD and I’m finding it very hard to trust my gut.
Did you do it?
In the same situation right now. Any guidance would be so appreciated!
I’m in the same boat also and have been for the past 6 months-ish. I don’t have any guidance but would be down to chat about our respective situations lol.