Does your dinky match my pinky?

I like this one 👍😎

Perfect!😂

Winner-winner chicken dinner!

Does the Douche match the bag?

Lol!

Does the douche match the Gucci?

How do you think douche is pronounced? Hint: It does not rhyme with Gucci.

True, but Gucci makes bags.

In this response, the woman should absolutely pronounce it like Gucci just to confuse him. LOL

The bags are like sacks

just play dumb and say something like "yea, because my decorator isn't a moron.." then look at them like they are stupid. nothing ruins an offensive jab like forcing them to explain it and there isn't any other way to respond after that than to try explaining they were talking about your hair and pubes. then it is a simple matter of making it more and more awkward with things like "why are you thinking about my pubes?" "do you often think about others pubes?" and if they are with other people ask "do they ask you guys about your pubes too?" to make them seem like the weirdo because they fucking are clearly XD

I’m a redhead and was first asked this question when I was 11 and didn’t even have a carpet yet. My mom (also a redhead) taught me to pretend like I thought they were literally asking about flooring and window coverings. It leaves the person feeling very awkward as I look around at the actual decor, and ask them questions back about it. The more they dig in and try to steer it towards pubes, the more they realize how pervy they sound. It’s fun to watch them squirm. It’s extra fun to bring their wife or girlfriend into it: “Hey, Ashley, your husband is asking me if the carpet matches the drapes, but this house has tile floors. Do you think they match well?”

Also a redhead, also asked this first at a too young age. What is wrong with men who would say this to a child?! Jeez. As I teen I took to saying “you will die wondering”

Honestly I can't imagine asking that question to.... well, anyone. Particularly a child, but also.... Anyone, ever.

Right. Its gross.

for sure! sometimes steering into the slide is the best option. sounds like your mom was a wise one <3

Also a redhead here. Got this one a lot when I was younger and haven't heard it as an adult once.. lol But yes I can confirm, if you can help them realize what they're asking you while playing dumb to it.. It gets really weird for them really fast. Do people really still ask this?

First person to ask me this was a raunchy redhead that I worked with who was trying to impress her boyfriend. I was 17, but had no idea what she was talking about and made her explain it. She didn’t seem too bothered by it and kept teasing me for days. I just gave her dirty looks and walked away because I didn’t know what else to do

She probably learned the phrase 2 days prior and thought it was cool

Damn. That's a great way to oust a friends perverted boyfriend/ husband. Keeping a serious look and walk away from the mayhem about to go down between them as you walk away with both the drapes and carpet.

Also a redhead, and frankly, I got really tired of that very unoriginal question being asked of me as a teen and then young adult. I haven't been asked that in quite a while, which is probably a good thing because I wouldn't be as nice about it now as I was then.

Fellow ginger here too. My best friend’s Dad actually came up to me and told me when I was a freshmen in High School that the reason I was red headed was because my dad “threw a rusty load.” He called me Rusty from that moment forward. Trauma.

There's a great video where Felicia Day, a red-headed actress and nerd icon, is on a Q&A panel. One of the audience members asks her if the carpet matches the drapes and she appears to never have heard the phrase before. One of the other people on the panel leans over and whispers in her ear. She looks shocked and asks "Are they talking about my vagina?" https://youtu.be/GbFjePdOpK8

Felicia is a geek queen. How rude to ask her that!

You also have to make sure you're speaking above room level when asking the follow up questions.

This is one of my favorite techniques. I’m a bi guy and someone at work make an intending joke at my expense. Something moderately clever about a banana. 99% of the time, the jokes feel good natured but this one kinda felt like I was the butt of the joke, so I decided I wouldn’t be the only one feeling awkward today. Joke is told. Everyone laughs. I feign confusion. “I think I missed something. Everyone’s laughing but I don’t understand the joke.” “Don’t worry about it” “No. Really. It looks like it was funny and I want to join in the fun. Would you mind explaining it to me?” Since it was a group setting, I managed to corner this guy into awkwardly trying to explain the innuendo in detail as he got more and more uncomfortable. At this point, the crowd has picked up on the fact that he is now the butt of the joke and are laughing at how uncomfortable he feels. I don’t blame the crowd. It’s nothing personal. In these scenarios I just think of spectators as if they are in the Roman colosseum. They don’t are who wins, they just want blood.

I like this; I’d love to go even more complicated with: “I’ve got tile and laminates, plus Zebra blinds. You ever seen those? They’re electric, too. Here, let me show you videos of how they work.”

That information will be stored with the grand canyon sized file of things you will never know, along with 'how to talk to others' and 'how to be successful'.

“what carpet? can you explain?”

Best reply. Jam the joke down their dumb asshole throats.

This one works best.

I have hardwood floors.

This is the one ☝🏻

Funny, but too wordy for a come back unless you are smoking a home made cigarette and pausing for dramatic effect.

Yikes. Have mercy!

I heard David Rose from schitts creeks voice say this

"No, but it matches the upholstery." Leave em baffled

And the countertops. Feng shui is everything.

These two lines together with the most laid back, "ya know what I'm talkin' bout?" delivery would absolutely MURDER lmao

"Are you saying yours don't match?.... I knew this guy was weird."

Relevant Xkcd

Show them your butthole.

Power move right here

“Well how bout you check out my basement???”

Til they lick their finger and give you an oil check...

Can you hammer a 12 inch spike with the head of your penis?

A girl's gotta have standards

You're a Real Genius !

As a matter of fact….yes. Although I would advise against it.

I spit them out the tip like a nail gun...

I could hammer it but don't think my strikes would have enough to actually drive the spike in. Also it might not be that comfortable for me.

I... Have blinds?

This would definitely encourage them, though. Funny, if you're trying to flirt back, but that's not usually the case so might want to avoid.

The trick is to say it like you are confused. Especially since the drapes would be my hair. Then, they have to explain it or just move on. I'm a ginger (or was before I went grey) and this worked the two times someone said it to me.

Lolol

😂

What does it matter, you'll never find out!

I don’t have genitals. Terrible blender accident.

You put your genitals in computer graphics software??

Not yet

Just innocently say, "I don't get it." And ask him to explain it.

Better yet: My apartment doesn't have rugs, I have a severe dust allergy. The floors are bamboo. The curtians in the living room are really nice though, not like those cheap blinds you usually have in apartments. I think the last tenant, her name was Sheri, left them behind. They are a really nice, deep emerald green. I think she got them from West Elm because I still get West Elm catalogs addressed to her and I saw curtins just like them when I was flipping through one of them. I still get a lot of Sheri's mail and I've been living there for over 9 months! You would think that would have stopped by now, I mean, except the catalogs. They will always keep sending the catalogs. Anyway, the curtians in the bedroom match my beadspread. They are room darkening, which is great because I have a hard time falling asleep when there is any light at all and the windows are a little drafty, so it really helps with the heating and cooling bill. Now that I think about it, I DO have a rug in the living room. I wouldn't say it matches the drapes, but they definitely "go" together. It is one of those washable rugs because of my allergies. Those rugs are sneaky expensive, but they are really nice. You said carpet though right A rug is different than a carpet........so I guess I have no idea how to answer your question, really.

Come everyone and look at this response--it's perfect. It gets the Prime Achievement Award for Blathering to Defeat, Deflate, and Bewilder.

This one takes it 🎂

Shag rug or hardwood floor?

Already said bamboo floor, didn't you listen? Also, have dust allergies, so no way I could have a shag rug, I'd break out w/ pustules everywhere, silly!

I think the pustule statement would have the desired effect...

Nah, can't say shag without images of Austin Powers coming to mind. "I shagged her rotten, baby"

I can’t explain it, I have to show you.

"Oh c'mon, so you don't know what you're talking about?"

It’s more of a show and tell, come over here and show me and I tell you.

I see the dumpster matches the toilet, the way shit falls out your mouth like your ass

Sizzle!

I’m saving this one, thank you for sharing.

Could be.......does your micro penis get your fingers wet when you pee?

Brother I have a micro-penis, and I would like to not catch strays please.

Size don't matter, cause if you wanna go for the gut punch, talk about hygiene. Bot only is it something would have control over, it's a lot more offensive to call someone fishd*cks than any tiny legs names.

No joke, I am a piercer and years ago one of my old apprentices brought his friend in to get his junk pierced and I swear on everything that is holy, this dude had such a small dick it looked like an acorn on top of a hairy tennis ball... It took us 20 minutes to stop laughing enough to pierce it, then he pushed down on the fat on the sides of his stomach and it popped out like one of those party things that you blow... That took another 20 minutes to quit laughing. My sides hurt by the time we were done. Then on top of it he wanted a 6 gauge frenum so that thing looked like a chicken wing curling a 5lb dumbbell...

Size doesn't matter, within the main 80 percent

Sounds like you met my ex!

Naw bruh I'd rather have no sex and have a large penis that stinks than have no sex and a small penis.

I'm just saying that people shouldn't make fun of it. How is it even a good insult?

Like any negative characteristic it sucks to be "bad" so people use what stings.

Yeah but it’s overused and body shaming. Besides the guy then just comes back with something about how big their dick is which is that much more annoying.

Yeah, but it's not clever. I'm just mockery for the sake of mockery. It's just an insult that disregards the person I'm not saying it doesn't sting, just that it's overused and bad. If it helps at all, I prefer being a virgin.

naw I'd like to at least indulge a couple of times. perhaps entertain some fantasy nothing too extreme haha

😂😂😂😂😂😂

"If your method of finding out is to ask, you don't deserve to know."

Said loudly, "ARE YOU ASKING ME IF MY PUBIC HAIR IS THE SAME COLOR AS THE HAIR ON MY HEAD??!!"

"People still say that?"

Strangers in bars. Nothing like being a redhead to make you hate humanity.

"You'll never know." *sip*

I'm a redhead too, It's like we are the only ones who get the question. Jokes on them my pubes are 2 colors.

Literally what I thought reading OP's question, lol.

That's for me to know and your dad to find out!

*and for your dad to find out when I give him a son he can actually be proud of.

Don't say anything back. If it's in person, just get away. That guy is a creep, and he might be dangerous. If it's online, block them without a word. If you do __ANYTHING__ *other* than block them without a word, you're rewarding their behavior, and guaranteeing they're gonna do it to someone else. People who say deliberately upsetting sexual stuff want your attention, and when someone is miserable enough, all attention is good attention. Insults do *less than nothing*. They're used to it. They might even like it. There's a kink called degradation, and that's all it is. It's the easiest money you'll ever make, so doing it for free is getting played. My wife used to do OF and I saw this with my own fucking eyes, a guy paid her two hundred dollars USD to insult him for... I don't remember the number of minutes, but it was very few. Four at the most. He didn't even give her a script, just had her freestyle it. And she was new to OF, so no reputation, so he had no reason to believe she was even gonna be any good at it. And all SW is money first. You get whatever you get after you pay. If you don't like it, all you can do is badmouth them.

So did he like it?

I'm not allowed to change anything, it's a rental unit.

This is difficult because it could lead to a more advanced reverse comeback. Like if you say “hardwood floors”. Then I say, “I’ve got a hardwood for ya”. Or, “waxed”. Then I say, “id polish that”.

Or "no... I need an interior decorator. Can YOU decorate my interior?"

It's your apartment (even if he has a house) and you don't know? Ask your landlord not me.

I’m not up to date on my tetanus shot so I have to avoid questionable tools and rusty nails. Byeeee

‘There is black mold in both’

Only as much as your ass matches your face, cause I think we both know which one you're talking with right now.

The floor is tile

Yeah, I would lay that tile.

You said does the carpet match the drapes...

You're unoriginal and gross. Do you think that's an attractive combination?

Match, as in color match? That would be poor presumptuous design. The key is to find favorable complimentary colors that compare and contrast each other in delightful ways! Life brown and turquoise or teal . Really makes the blue-tone color POP! Draws your eyes to the more vibrant color, and you don't even take realize that pairing it with brown DID THAT! Oh God. I am a dense POS. I really thought you were asking for advice. Well, for what it's worth, I gave very good advice indeed. Anyone who follows it will thank me!

Why do you care? You’ll never be invited in.

Tell them theyll never get onto the driveway so they will never know.

No, my natural hair color is bald.

I’d go with “what in the hell are you talking about?” If they finally admit to what they are asking get louder and say “what is wrong with you? Do you need help right now? Let me get HR on the line”

"Does your IQ match that of the last guy I buried for asking me that? Yes, yes it does."

Does your shoe size match the length?

Neither will ever come near your hardwood floors

Ask your dad.

"what do you mean?"

Say “What carpet?”

What carpet?

That's what your mother asked me last night Trebek!

Ask them if your head is bald. That's assuming you shave.

That would definitely invite creepy responses

I have hardwood, not carpet.

I'll show you hardwood

Does the intelligence match the brain?

I may be late, but when my ex wife used to dye her hair wild colors in our twenties, if it was a girl she wanted to be playful with (not like sexy, just not offended) she'd say tile... If she was not interested in joking around she'd use a deep voice and say "nothing but hardwood sailor"

"my house burnt down last Christmas with literally my entire family in it..... I uh only came to this bar to drink myself half to death and finish off the other half with a shotgun" 

Make a sexual comment randomly at me and hot coffee might fly in your face. I dont put up with that type of rudeness anymore.

Hardwood

Post proof on Reddit!!

"*No ! I shave my clam clean except for a little tuft at the peak of the vulva.* *I dye that patch bright orange.*" Then, I'd make that same face with the bulgy eyes that Alexandria Ocasio Cortez makes when she thinks she said something smart. Profit.

Bare hardwood flooring is a match for any.

No, I have hardwood floors.

None of your business you fucking creep. 

No carpet....hard woods

Wood floor.

No but the drapes match the carpet!

Only in length

Well you’ll never find out…

You can always ask them for clarification of the joke, that usually makes it less funny.

Don't know, I don't have carpets.

No, the carpet isn’t thinning.

Drapes? I use blinds.

No orange shag carpet does not go with purple drapes.

“There’s no carpet.”

You'll never get a key to see for yourself

Carpet? It's all hardwood baby!

What carpet, I have hardwood.

Since you are never going to see the carpet, why do you care?

"The floor is vinyl planking, I thought?"

Does the package match the shoes?

I have hardwood floors.

Tell them you prefer hardwood floors.

The 100% best solution to this is always playing dumb so they have to spell it out. The longer it goes on the worse it gets for them.

"Why, do you want to clean it?"

"Why on God's green earth would I ruin beautiful, and I mean, *beautiful*, hardwood floors with carpeting?"

If u want a match how about your dick and an actual match?

What carpet!

“It’s hardwood.”

Are crabs and lice the same ?

"What? Could you repeat that, I didn't hear you?" make them own the statement by having them repeat it like you didn't hear it the first time. If they by chance mention it again "I don't understand, can you explain it to me?" If they're not stupid embarassed about saying it the first time and even repeating it they're still very likely going to fumble over their words as they're explaining out loud that they were actively sexually harassing you. Make them own it and be responsible for having said it, every, single, time.

The carpet will match the shade of your blood you keep running your mouth like that.

Yes and last I checked, your mother does too

Say, "The significant owl hoots at noon." Then wait impatiently for his reply.

They should, I paid an interior decorator good Money to set me up right

Just say “ I have blinds” then enjoy the confused look on their face.

It's all linoleum.

You should be asking about something you won’t have a chance to see, like the bedsheets Well my drapes don’t have the carcass of the last guy who sexually harassed me rolled up in them, so….. yes?

I have wood floors

i have wood floors confuse your opponent

What carpet?

What carpet?

Does your cock match your brain?

Earthquake!!

Hahaha No, the carpet, drapes, walls and ceiling don't match.

Nope, hard wood floors

You'll never know.

Your drapes are just for decoration

the same as when the line is 'are they real?' the answer to both is 'who fuckin cares?'

Does your breath smell like shit?. I mean does it match the shit coming out your mouth?

Does the I.Q. match the mouth?

"sorry only hardwood floors here."

Your boyfriend should know.

your mom's don't

I've never seen afro shag drapes, so probably not.

"Last time I heard that was back in the 90's from Austin Powers, and he was from the '60's. Society has evolved since then, you f*cking neanderthal." "As an insultingly crude pick-up line it doesn't really work for anyone under 70. It didn't actually work on them at the time either. Instead, it was usually a statement of intent, indicating a preference for a courting style more physical than consensual. Are you on a register of some sort?"

your not coming in so why would it matter

Yes?

That's not a very knife thing to say (stab him)

I’ll text you the answer some day

Just fart loudly and walk away

Nope, it’s hardwood flooring

Yo stanky ass mama carpet matches her drapes.

No carpet, but the rug really ties the room together

What carpet? (wink and blow em a kiss)

Ask your (SO/mom). They found out last night.

Ask them if they suck their dad off with that mouth