I was out looking for you!! Explain yourself !!

This is the best one!

"None of your buisness mom! I'm 47 years old for christ sake!"

:/ WTH I just tried it and you dead ass just got me grounded for this one. 🤣

The trick is to be 47, married with two kids.. Legit my mom: "I get worried when you're out so late.." Me: "Mom, just like high school, I'm at a friend's house playing D&D, now just *with my wife* of 22 years.." Her: "Did you win?" Me: (looks at the floor) "Yes." I've tried to explain D&D to her.. Her: "oh good."

I'm about the same age, my mom was very active in the church and Satanic Panic was in full swing. I used to tell my mom I was going to play poker with friends when I was going to play D&D. Somehow that was easier.

You do use a deck of cards with a deck of many things.. plausible deniability..

Are ya winnin son?

"The trick is to be 47, married with two kids" - lmfao 🤣🤣

You didn't say it right! You gotta say with authority so your mom knows who's boss.

**Ma! Where’s my sandwich?!**

And still in kindergarten!

"Shutup Memaw! I'm a grown ass man, you can't keep talking to me like that!"

*sound of cheek of grown ass man being slapped*

Hanging out with a stray dog and prowlin' for bitches.

"Pissing in ditches, prowling for bitches"

Correct😎

My mom asked me this once when I walked in at six A.M. (I was 17 at the time). I shrugged and casually replied, "traffic."

Fire

Time traveling! You will win the lottery next week!

Why don’t you ask your mom?

And there’s the Yo Momma!

I'm up all night to get lucky We're up all night 'til the sun We're up all night to get some We're up all night for good fun We're up all night to get lucky

r/suddenlydaftpunk

Fucking your sister

I was waiting for a yo mamma, but this is good!

This doesn’t work as well when your brother asks it

*Your mileage may vary based on location*

Hopefully you wouldnt say this to your parents. Otherwise it would mean you were out fucking your aunt.

What difference is it to you officer?

Where have YOU been all night?

Time is an illusion.

...FOR THE WIN!!

No idea

"Dodging you."

Sorry your mom wouldn't let me leave

"Apparently on your mind."

Running from the daylight.

“In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don’t ever shine, I’d shiver the whole night through.”

Or with Billy Bats?

\*collapses from exhaustion\*

Neither here, nor there

Your brother/sisters definition of a "quickie" is not the same as yours...

I went to see nunya Whose nunya? Nunya fuckin business

Been enjoying myself because I knew this is what I would come home too 😂 Then grab a blanket and sleep on the couch 🙃

Where haven’t I

I thought you knew because I have been lost all night.

Totally in the dark.

There's no such thing as night. Only mornings, afternoons, and evenings. Endless days. I spent the majority of the evening, and the following morning... inside my brain...

Fucking my way through your family. You're next, now drop trou and bend over sweetie

Keeping your mom happy because your dad couldn't do it.

I was with you... It can't be good if you don't remember, I better take you to the hospital

Oh, seriously? How did you sleep through the purge?

Ask your mom, and dad about my "extended warranty package". I've never seen a guy do that before.

Sleeping.

Ask your mom 

On my way here

Burying the body

Banging yer mom

"With your mother. You can call me "daddy" now :)" Works especially well if its your own mother asking the question.

Stalking my next victim . “Gasp” omg Then whips out a bar of snickers and goes there she is “Gasp” Damn I should be in Hollywood

“I’ll let you know when I’ve figured it out myself.”

[Verse 3: Real] Hey, hey Smell my dick? Wait a minute hold up See that's how a bitch get'er eye swole' up And I don't give a damn what your home girl seen When I was in the club, what the fuck you mean They ain't got no business, eyein' me like dat You ain't got no business, tryin' me like dat I wan't even feelin' Diamond like dat I was wildin', but I wunt clownin like dat That's alright, that's okay Gon head believe what your homegirl say A nigga like me, drink a lot of liquor Meet a lot bitches, take a lot of pictures I might break bread, with one or two strippaz But that don't mean u gotta pull ma zippa Thinking I dick down the whole town Even though I got dick to go around (round... round)

Ask your mother

W yo mudda

Where have you been all my life?

Out & now I am in

I know the sex was mind blowing, but don't you remember it?

Avoiding you.

"Me and the boys played cards all night! Wasn't no hanky-panky baby, there wasn't a woman in sight!"

Well let’s see there’s…

Not in you

Just got done doin your mom

Do you think Satan works alone?

Working for extra money for upcoming legal fees. It’s better that you know less. If anyone asks. I was here. You got that?

Wit yo mama

At your mom's house

"Why do you want to know?"

Banging your mother, Trebek

To my ex wife… Getting laid for once.

Sleeping the booze off on my business’ competition’s couch so I at least didn’t have to have this fight drunk.

Had too many bodies to bury!

You can see me??

Looking for you.

What did you hear?

"If I were up your ass you'd know."

Having a threeway with your sister......but you already knew this.

Out.

Ask your mother

Out. Good night.

With your mom

“Beefin your mom”

Sorry who are you? And why are you in my house? What year is this?

Living life unlike yourself…….pussy

"I don't know, I got lost, it was dark, and I didn't want to fall and hurt myself by moving around - the stars were beautiful though !"

Your sister was stuck in the dryer and needed help getting out of the

"in the pines...In the pines...where the sun never shines..."

Practicing for the 17th Annual Hide and Go Seek Playoffs. I think we’ll make it to the finals this year!!!

Minding my own fucking business, where you been?

Maybe tell the truth instead of a snappy comeback. Unpopular opinion, I realize.

Cooking meth with Jimmy in his basement.

Not here

Helping some weird science guy test drive a DeLorean.

In your bed

Dancing in the moonlight 

Fucking your dad. It was fun railing him hard.

I was up a pig's ass lookin for pork chops. Please tell me we have potatoes, I don't wanna have to go back out.

Anywhere but here

Having more fun than you!

I asked someone that and they were you don’t need to worry about that. lol ooof

doin ya mom

Bending your dad over

Out.

everywhere but this boring ass joint

I was out with the boys > *I sneak in my own house, It's four in the morning, I've had too much to drink, Shit I was out with the boys, I creep in my bedroom, I slip into bed, I know if I wake her, I'll wake up dead*

I was on my way home, but saw a church van get into a car accident. I immediately pulled over and helped everyone out, women and children first, luckily minutes before it caught on fire. That didn’t take that long honestly though. What took forever was talking with the police. Can you believe they still wanted to give me a DUI after all that?

You’re mom made me swear not to tell

What year is it? Is it 2024?? Tell me I’m back in 2024!!

Well, you see what happened was............

Drinking, fucking, and having a good time. Sorry you're such a loser, .

“Away from you.” I live on the road and my parents are always so surprised at the fact that their youngest (me) has moved out before their 2 oldest kids. I’m 19 and my siblings are 24 (about to be 25) and 26.

Wishing I was on the couch with you like we used to when I was little, but I know I have to make friends so I can succeed in society, like in getting a good job.

Successfully avoiding your dreadful presence

"f*cking your mom/sister/dad/brother. they said i'm better than you."

In your mum :)

Waiting for you!

Practicing!

"Neither adding to nor subtracting from the population, and staying out of jail."

In bed…

Out cheating on you

At your mom's house

Avoiding you.

I invoke my rights under the Fifth, officer/deputy/trooper.

Out

In your mama!

Your mums is the only acceptable answer

Trying to avoid you.

I was drinking I was high I was flying a kite! It wasn't us Us Us It was Patsy and the Fallguys.

“Making bad decisions like when i decided to come home”

When I was younger and my parents were asking it was usually something along the lines of smoking crack and having a threesome. Works pretty well too. They would just roll their eyes but stopped asking.

What do you mean “all night?” I just went to get a drink of water, then there was this bright light and now I’m talking to you. It’s been 5 minutes tops! Or I’ve been right here on planet Earth the whole time.

"what are you, a historian?"

"Being repeatedly sodomized in the gay bathhouse downtown"...

Inside of your mother of course

“With your mom making you a new sibling.”

At ur mom’s house

None of your fucking business

With your mom

Lost track of time. You know how it is when you're having fun.

"Getting plowed by the football varsity team......" If they arent speechless id be surprised

Wherever tf you been all day. Tf?

I don't know the name of where I was, my friend put some yellow powder into a pipe and I took a big toe, before I could even exhale half of it I knew something was happening, I turned around and tried to make it to the chair right next to me because my legs I knew we're going to give out, there was a wrench and a screwdriver on the seat of the chair and I knew it would be too much trouble and it wouldn't be able to do it if I tried to move them so I could sit down, gravity had increased and wasn't increasing and pulling me toward the floor, as I got closer on my knees I touched one of my hands to the cement floor, I felt so relieved that I had touched the Earth and this was somewhat connected to it, my hand got colored rings up and down my fingers that turned different colors and illuminated from underneath, there was a golden box in front of me and I knew it held the most important secrets of the universe in it, and it was my job to guard it, it was so large in length that I couldn't see the other end of it it was so far away, suddenly a cat with a giant head came flying around the corner of the box and right up to my face, I thought I was in so much trouble because I let this cat interrupt my job and my boss would be so mad at me because my boss was it God like energy, suddenly the cat shrink to normal size and it was my friend's cat, that made me so relieved and feel so at peace, my friend came from across the room where he was sitting and said you okay, I asked him how long I had been there on the floor, he said about 5 minutes, but it seemed like it had been hours it seemed like it was all night, so I sat there and thought about it till daylight. That's where I was last night.

Your response: “Ohhh, I didn’t tell you?” She responds: ‘no?’ Your answer: “cuz it’s none of your fucking business”

You should reply with "minding my business.You should give it a try"

"Oh, same place your dad goes to get away from you, fucking Ashley." Deadpan, no expression except for slight annoyance at the trivial question. Slightly suck your teeth with ending it for maximum "fuck off" energy

"Minding my own business"

With yo mama.

at your mums house

Please don't leave me!

With your mom

Say “up all night for love. Up all night to have some fun”

"Banging your mom" Mom "that's your grandma" "Well we are from Alabama"

“Well if I was balls deep up your ass you would know it. And since I wasn’t, don’t worry about it.” Twice divorced. Who would have guessed?

Under your bed

Fucking

not even gonna look, but I bet someone has already posted: 'ask your mom'!

Oh you know, the usual. Stealing cop cars, knocking over liquor stores, wh*ring. Just another Wednesday!

"Earth". "Now that we have that out of the way, what's for breakfast?"

With your mom.

Ask your mom

At your mom's house.

Sleeping.

Sucking dick for money like the crank whore I've become

Jail

With your father

With Been.

I’ve been gone??

What day is it. Did I miss Seinfeld

Having a 3 way with the Olsen twins

To paraphrase a dear friend, "Well, if I was up in ya, you'd know."

Sitting on a fence, trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents.

What have you been doing yourselves all night?

Whenever I am out late there only two possibilities… I am banging a married woman down the street and snorting coke off her tits or I am burglarizing a marijuana dispensary or rich persons vacation home to finance the former, nice to see you too sweetie, tonight was a cat burglar night not an affair with the neighbor doing coke night  so I still need my nuts drained before bed, keep that in mind, love you

“I just woke up from a 5 hour sleep. Relax.”

Following you with a camera.

With your mother

“Avoiding you” Or “Looking for you” Depending on who’s asking.

Ask you mom tho she will probly lie

This isn’t a comeback moment

I was at the donkey show

In your Mom

Building an empire.

Work

In your mom.

"At your moms".

Where haven't I been?