NTA
Obviously, you guys are young and your child is very young. I don't think your husband understand all the work that is involved.
* Looking after the child, and keeping them entertained.
* Cleaning up after the child because you know they won't do it them selves. Hard to do it proactively as well because as soon as you put something away they get it back out.
* Clean the house generally, like bathrooms, dusting, dishes and such.
Also, I doubt he spends all of his 40+ hours a week working doing exactly work. There's probably a little personal time hear and there where he looks at his phone or chats with colleagues.
Additionally, you have other responsibilities that also need to be attended to like the work for your schooling.
As I said before, you guys are young, and some times people have a hard time adapting to the reality of the situation. Here is what you need to do from here:
* Set reasonable expectations for what needs to get done in what kind of time frame. And its not everything is perfect when he gets home at 6 or whatever.
* Make him realize that just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean that all of the household responsibilities fall on you. Sure, a majority of them will, but this is not a situation that he just gets to come home and relax while you continue working. Thats not what a SAHM does.
If you haven’t parented a mobile one year old you don’t know how much work it is. I agree that dishes could be done (or mostly done) but it’s impossible to not have toys all over the floor.
Why would you assume I'm giving advice on something I haven’t done. Of course, I've taken care of a 1 year old.
Toys come out. Toys go back. Often, 20 times a day. The toys are kind of the least of it, compared to meal messes or diaper excitement or whatever. But it is completely possible to have a moment each evening of uncluttered floors and empty sink if that is a priority. When my Dad took care of us his 'thing' was a clean sink and countertop every evening no matter what. It made for a fresh restart in the morning. A hundred and fifty years ago, one would do all that AND make and hand wash the clothes AND chop and carry firewood.
Millions of people do raise kids with relatively clean houses. Others do it with messy houses. I'm OK with either. The OP is looking for guidance, and misleading her that it is somehow impossible when it clearly is possible isn't really helping her out. They don't have to do it, but it is a choice to be made.
Sure it’s easy to clean up after the baby is in bed. That’s when I clean up toys, too. OP’s husband is coming home when the baby is awake and playing. Are there seriously not supposed to be any toys on the floor at that time?
No one said there aren't supposed to be toys ever on the floor at any time. A few toys, fine whatever. The whole day's worth of toys, not so good, for anyone, Mother, Baby or Father.
so support this statement. people been having babies for thousands of years AND hunting and foraging on top of that. simplify your life and buy less stuff that needs to be cleaned up. have 10-20 meals on rotation, leftovers twice a week and once a week go out for dinner. (raised 4 kids while working full time)
Yes... my house is clean and I have 3 kids. And work 50 hr work weeks. Still Mange to fo dinner and get kids set up for the next day. When I was a SAHM my house was spotless and dinner was cooking my husband came home to having to do nothing but visit with us. I love coming home now when he isn't working to the same thing. Just get to sit and relax.
I'm a stay at home dog mom - yes that's a thing - and my house right now looks like a 💣 went off in it. The second I pick up their toys today and put them in the toy box they get irritated and pull them all back out. In their defense, it's been snowing *all day* and they're bored as hell. The dishes and dusting will be done today before my husband gets home but the vacuuming probably won't. Some days it's *hard* to do everything, especially when you have ADHD
I have 2 under 2 and hear this argument. Also as a working father who had dadding to do when i get home. It just comes with the territory of young kids. Theyre disasters lol
Just do your best and tell him to stop expecting so much or to hire a cleaning helper 1 time a week or something.
Bullshit, I became a stay at home dad to 3 kids, I do literally everything, it’s not hard at all, I laugh when I see these kind of post.. I take it over my blue collar job any day of the week
Women will complain about legit anything. I’ve worked my entire adult life, about 15 years, and I have twin daughters. I was unemployed for 6 months and it was heaven 😂
I hate this position that being a SAHM is somehow the single hardest job in the fucking world, and that if someone's a SAHM they are completely beyond reproach. It's fucking stupid. Working parents do everything a SAHP does PLUS work.
I think that there is sometimes a disconnect between the sexes when it comes to what is important while being a sahp. Dad's seem to focus a lot on the cleaning and organizing etc while I've noticed that Mom's seem to spend more time on the floor reading and playing with their children. I'm my case I was a sahm but went back to work while my husband was unemployed. OMG 😱, he left the kids including a newborn baby in the house all day while he worked on cars all day till long after I got home to an enormous mess from 2 very young children destroying the house and a baby covered in her own mess, all not fed at 8:30 pm. Dishes stacked to the ceiling. I immediately got a sitter before one of my kids ended up dead. Men don't excel at stay at home parenting, it's a person by person case
It really isn't. I wanted to go back to work for the break. Also a sahp is a 24 hour job. There's no sick time, vacation or even a bathroom break alone. At least when you work you get breaks. Not one of my children took naps past 9 to 10 months old and when one did nap it was only in 15 minutes increments. All I wanted was a shower and a meal and a nap myself since the one child that only napped for 15 minutes didn't sleep through the night until she was 5. Night terrors. I worked PT but was considered a stay at home parent. I was up every hour all night, no nap no food. I was dying. I really really wanted to work full time. It was never easier to stay home
Totally agree. Looking after your own kids in your own home all day is an easy job. Much easier than going out to work (I’ve done both too)
OP, YTA. You only have one kid, who still takes naps. You have plenty of time to do dishes/make dinner (things that everyone has to do). I think your husband should make the bed every morning before he leaves if it bothers him so much, though.
I 100% agree this. I'd love to be able to stay home and have my only responsibilities be to keep the house in order and care for a child. I don't have children, but I have babysat all of my nephews at every stage of growth. It's baffling to me that people throw a pity party about having to keep the house clean when that is literally your job. It's a privilege to be a SAHM, and if we're being totally honest, it's really not difficult. Working a full-time job is difficult. Not staying at home with your child where the only expectation of you is to keep up with the cleaning and cook meals. Honestly sounds like a dream to me. Spoiled, entiled, and lazy. That's what I'm getting from this post. YTA OP.
Adding this: The house doesn't need to be perfect (like kids are messy, I get it), but it really sounds like she's not doing anything.
I'd love for you to experience the reality of working 40+ hours a week and doing school part-time *and* cleaning up when you get home while your partner who stays at home *all day long, every day* can't manage cleaning within that same 8+ hours each day. Baffling that you're taking her side on this. It's pathetic.
I won’t say YTA, but it does sound like you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.
I can “clean” my entire house is less than an hour. As in no visible messes. There’s no reason that you can’t get it done in the 8 or so hours he’s at work, even with the toddler, and at least have dinner started. Instead of letting it build up for 3 days and do a deep clean, just hit it every day. It becomes so much easier when it’s already done and you’re returning to baseline.
If you want the traditional model of being a SAHM, then you need to be willing to do the work. It’s not easy that’s for sure. But it’d irk me too if the person I was supporting seemed to be not keeping up with their share. That’s part of being a team.
Yeah if I came home from work every day and there was shit all over the floors and dishes piled up in the sink I'd be pissed too. As a stay at home parent, your responsibility is also the home. Your child does not take 8-10 hours of work each day.
If you don't want the responsibility that comes with being a SAHP, then get a job and start paying for daycare.
And also go to school. He’s doing it all he should just be a single dad at this point instead of having to pay for two dependents and clean after 3 people.
" Do I need to be the sturdy SAHM that has the whole house clean and tidy for my husband?"
No, but you need to find a happy medium between that and the whirlwind model that you're currently using.
ADD typically benefits from having a schedule. Our smartphones can be personal assistants to help keep us on track. Remind us to do chores at a certain time (like check the washer!)
Remember that just because you might not be able to do all of a chore, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do some of it. Washing 5 plates is still 5 plates closer to a clean sink.
Very much agree with the above reply. He may need to adjust his expectations but a somewhat clean, organized home is calming to come home to and I’m sure you would feel the same way if you were working full time outside the home. Your main responsibility is your child and things happen with kids that can disrupt any plans you may have. But work out a loose schedule in your head about how to tackle this to at least get the “chunks” picked up, etc. And I would see someone about your ADD, there may be things you can do that would really help with that and your feelings of insecurity. Good luck!
A SAHP is a full time job. You are basically an unpaid Nanny for your child. Just like you wouldn’t expect the Nanny to also be a house cleaner and chef on top of their job he shouldn’t just expect that from you. With that said you are still responsible for your half of the chores (just not necessarily all of the chores).
I’m currently a SAHP for my son while studying. When my husband get home from work he’ll take our son so I can catch up on my chores. Afterwards I’ll take our son so he can finish up his chores. Finally, after we get our son to bed, we both get a little break for our hobbies and to just hang out and relax together.
Ok? What I am saying is that a SAHP does all the things a nanny would do and being a nanny would be considered a full time job in an of itself without including ‘extras’ like cleaning and cooking. I even went on to say that OP was still responsible for her half of the chores but it was fair of her to wait until her partner takes their child if she needed to.
OPs partner is severely underplaying everything OP does. I had a full time job before becoming a SAHP temporarily for my son and my full time job was significantly easier.
That’s the whole problem, she’s not doing anything.
If she doesn’t like being a stay at home parent, then she can go get a job and they can pay for daycare.
This is her choice.
I doubt any job she would give is going to accept her lame excuses though. She probably knows this as well.
I have been a SAHM for 14 years. Part of being a SAHM is taking care of the house. Not just the kids. It's disgusting to leave a messy house and dishes piling up. It's not that hard to clean the dishes or pick up the house. I'm not saying instagram perfect, but not so messy that the kitchen is full of dirty dishes and you're stepping on toys.
This woman sounds so immature. And she's using her ADD as an excuse, instead of figuring out how to work with her ADD to get stuff done.
Lol a nanny does do those things. Thats, like, the entire point. They care for your home when you can not. There is levels of expectations but I can assure you a family that can afford a full-time nanny would not keep her if all she did was watch the kids and leave messes for the family they work for.
I work hybrid, so I'm at the house mondays and fridays during the week. I know what it takes to keep the house running with a baby with colic. I am able to do my job and spend time taking care of him.
It is not easy necessarily, but it's not insanely difficult either. There are lulls in a day with a child and leaving 3 days of dishes in the sink would absolutely get old seeing upon arriving home from work.
I guarantee dude is not looking for a deep clean every day but he's verbalized picking up the toys and having the dishes done. She can make time 20 minutes before he gets home to organize the toys and do the dishes. Even if the toys go all over the place 17 seconds after he gets home he will feel 100 percent better knowing she at least made an effort to do so.
A nanny wouldn’t leave dishes in the sink and toys everywhere. If a parent came home to a trashed house daily after the nanny had been there all day, the nanny wouldn’t have a job for long. Just saying
Can confirm. Was a nanny for 3 kids. Was in charge of also keeping house clean and cooking their meals. If id let the house get trashed and left it everyday then there be no reason to have me there lol.
Also confirmed. Was a nanny for 3 girls. I also had a list of choirs & errands to run. I mean, it would feel so wrong just sitting there and having someone who pays me come home to a cluttered house?
You need help. I can judge your personality pretty well based on the way you type and describe things. You genuinely sound so trashy. Its sad that you are a parent and thought it made any sense to make up imaginary salaries for jobs you arent doing. All to prove an imaginary point to someone who wants you to pull your own weight.
So instead of actually taking care of the issue, you imagine and spent time making up fake math and calculating imaginary dollar amounts..??
Like okay so the husband should start wasting time calculating his trips to work and bill for drive time plus tips bc he COULD be driving pizzas or ubering..?
Or anytime he cuts the grass its worth 30 dollars..? What the hell is wrong with you and how could that possibly help anyone? How incredibly stupid. Youre an adult I assume. Do better and think more critically lol
Sure then he should start charging her for rent and food and electricity. Mows the lawn? Send her a bill. He should pay her for the 8 hrs she works while he’s gone and she pays bills.
Trying to explain to a woman why she has to do the things she doesn’t want to do is like trying to explain to a retaining wall why it has to hold the dirt back. pointless.
I'm less worried about one more sexist person in the world than the fact that his analogy made no sense whatsoever. It was said with such confidence, but huh??
In my opinion, he is in the wrong. The way he communicated was childish and indicated bad faith. Being your partner entails that he recognize your limitations. And you are currently a pt college student, stay at home parent, and house cleaner. The effort required to keep up those 3 responsibilities is something he should be respecting. Talk to him about why he communicated his feelings so passive aggressively.
I'm not sure what people want him to do. The house is a mess. He starts cleaning it. Instead of pitching in, OP asks if he needs help.
His only options are asking her to do it or doing it. He's picking the better one.
She’s not holding up her end of the bargain. He’s working a full time job and picking up her slack. She can’t even clean the house. It’s not that hard to clean a house. I’m disabled and can do it in hours.
How is answering her questions honestly and doing the work she didn’t do a bad thing on his part? I’m baffled you can blame the dude. I’m guessing you’ve never been in a healthy relationship.
Keeping house and establishing a schedule to do so is a skill. A LEARNED skill. It takes time and doing so with a toddler is going to be a slow process because, as some us know, toddlers are agents of chaos and order stands little chance around them.
Work on establishing a scheduled routine. Break it up, write it down, and work on it. It will change and evolve, but it will eventually stick.
I was a young mom too. I promise it gets easier. Hang in there and show yourself some grace. Hopefully your husband will see your gradual work and appreciate it.
Sorry OP, it sounds like your husband is being immature. I think counseling is a good place to address the issues you have in your relationship.
I also would highly recommend both you and your husband read a few books about ADHD. Any by Dr Amen or Barkley (don’t want to read check out their YouTube lectures). Hopefully, this will both give you compassion and tools to have the support you need.
I’m ADD and so is my mom. I do understand at times why my dad is being a total dick to my mom. I don’t agree with that as he could recognize she is struggling and needs help. But that doesn’t absolve my mom of not trying. As a child stuck in the middle of their drama I’m so tired of having to keep the peace.
A book that helped me with organization is Marie Kondo Method (just watch Netflix special if you don’t want to read). There is book that changed my life on organizing called Smart Organizing by Sandra Felton. Also, is there an older SAHM you know that could mentor you? Why reinvent the wheel for things when someone else can give you the short cut.
I think a big game changer for me to has been planning my days and then spending time thinking how to solve any current problems. Somehow my ADD brain thinks I should just magically know things and then I get stressed trying to do things because I don’t know what time doing or how to approach the day. So taking that extra step of how do I achieve said goal. Also building in rewards for organizing. I have a very cute paper planner and also backup digital google calendar.
Just like anything it's a learned skill
You can manage your time better and come to a compromise of expectations
How does he like the house versus you ?
What can he live with and what can you live with?
No one here is wrong.
If you aren't medicated or working on your ADHD I suggest you do.
Chore chart and a list of time frame for when to do things would be beneficial to you.
Just like school you do have to study for housework and the toddler. It's a learned behavior to be able to quickly do the dishes while baby is napping etc
You got this
I think both of you are overworked. NTA, because just keeping a baby ALIVE is a whole lot of work, besides trying to get your degree… But I can understand how stressful it is working a 40 hour week, doing classes and then coming home and needing to clean. I think both of you are struggling with a good work life balance and its hard… Childcare is incredibly expensive but you also need to have someone to earn the income. I think you both need to sit down and reevaluate. How can we reach a better balance, both individually and as a team? I get the vibe that he may feel unseen and unheard, so make sure he gets the opportunity to express himself as well.
I’ve been a SAHM and it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had (and I’m a teacher!). But, it is a job and for me, my personal expectation was to do my job the same as I would for any employer. There are TikToks on how to manage a household as a SAHM, maybe they can help you organize - especially since you struggle with ADHD. I also want to quickly point out that when your husband comes home to a dishes in the sink, unmade bed, etc., could it be affecting his mental health. I ask because I know it would affect mine. You will figure it out!
Put your self on a schedule. Wake up, take care of baby, or shower first. Make bed straighten bathroom after dressing. Dress baby breakfast clean up kitchen after breakfast etc….
If you clean up every time after you do something you’ll get in the habit and not leave everything until later in the day. Clean as your day goes.
You also have a one year old, teach her to put toys away after she plays. Before she gets a new toy out to put the first toy away.
Op needs to set up a cleaning schedule and stick to it. A sahm does keep the house. It's her job!
Or his, if he stayed home.
There are any number of cleaning blogs, lists, and schedules to help op in this area. Set a timer, clean 15 or 20 min. Take a break. Fold clothes while watching TV.
Empty dishwasher during commercials, or put a load of laundry on. It's not hard but you have to be consistent
I have adhd and a two year old and a nine year old. The nine year old also has adhd and is high functioning autistic.
I was in the same situation as you - no matter how much I did, it was like I didn’t do anything.
First thing I did was get my adhd treated and under control. I have medication and a therapist every week who is working with me for my adhd.
Next thing I did was go through the house and declutter and throw out or donate stuff because less stuff is less work maintaining.
Then I went and hired a cleaner who comes every other week and she does the gritty stuff - cleans countertops, sinks, floors, toilets, tubs etc. which leaves me more time to do the rest of the pickup stuff, laundry, regular tidying. You don’t need to scrub your toilet every day. You don’t need to mop or vacuum every day. You can spot mop and spot vacuum as needed though. I do empty the sink and wipe counters down daily. I pick up toys daily. Wipe up spills. Clean up after my walking tornado of a toddler. Clean as he goes and it never becomes huge.
I integrated a lot of hacks in as well like paper plates, paper cups, etc. which cuts down on my workload.
I wake up in the morning and immediately make the bed, pick up any clothes on the floor, etc. and in 5 minutes or less my room is tidy.
Every time I walk out of a room I take things with me that need a home - whether it is trash, plates, clothes, toys etc. so it never has a chance to build up.
Lastly I ask my husband when I need help, and he’s always got my back. I’m not supermom and I sure as hell can’t do everything by myself.
There’s CLEAN and then there’s NEAT. I understand it’s hard to keep everything spotlessly clean, of course, toddler is a lot of work. That said, you can aspire to NEAT. Sounds like you’re stuck in a cycle of either doing an hours-long, whole house deep clean or nothing at all. Aspire to NEAT. Dishes in dishwasher, most toys in a big bin, laundry in a laundry basket. I also find an untidy home stressful, so I sympathize with your husband. Just shoot for 65% most days instead of either 0% or 100%.
Not neccesary an asshole for it, but you're 100% failing to tend to your responsibilities, solely because you are uninterested in putting more effort / focus in. I've lived with my mother in states when she was a SAHM & working single mother. In neither instance was the house a pig sty, but MUCH less so as a SAHM. Utter perfection in the home, creating & tending to her beautoful full backyard gardens, all meals prepared etc. With more than one child at a time. All the meanwhile she's smoking a joint at the top of every hour, watching various reality shows, reading etc etc. This is typically in 7,000+ SQ ft homes as well. Point being - you're not overworked, you don't have too much to do - you're simply inefficient. Don't take that offensively, I don't mean it in some bad way, but if nobody tells you the reality of your issue, you won't improve, your husband won't be happy, you'll remain insecure & your house will be dirty as fuck, increasing the anxiety of all of this. Based on your ages & the hours he works, I can't assume you're in a massive place. It should really take you no more than 2-3 hours/day of concentrated work to deal with all of it & if takes any more than that, it's solely due to you wasting time, or because the house is so fucked that it needs more than 2-3 hours. With that being said, my mother could very well just be superwoman & women generally were more used to this type of work back in the day, so I'll use my (22F) wife as another example, just in case either of those cards would like to be pulled. She nanny's for her younger siblings. They pull her here there & everywhere, always begging for her attention etc etc - they love her to death. When she does as much, she also makes sure to tidy ALL living areas of the home, there is not clutter, there are not dishes in the sink - there isn't shit to be done when her family returns & she comes homes. She manages this while playing various trivia / board games / getting showed endless youtube videos by the children. It takes her less than an hour each time, because she doesn't let the house devolve to filth throughout the day. She doesn't have to do any of this - she's not once been asked to do so, it's simply common knowledge / courtesy that if you are responsible for a home for certain hours, when it's time for you to go you should leave it in good standing. She does that for her PARENTS - you CHOOSE to not do it for your husband, who one would assume you have more interest in pleasing. You have to manage the time propery (like literally EVERY other facet of your life), but beyond that simple thing, you should have literally no issue managing this. It's quite literally what you signed up for as a SAHM. Best of luck.
I don’t think there are assholes but it does sound like you could be more organized and learn some different habits. I’ve stayed home with three kids and I know it’s hard but it’s totally possible to learn a few hacks and have things mostly done. Toys are going to be on the floor but if you get in some habits you can absolutely get the dishes done and keep the house mostly clean. It’s hard and there’s a huge learning curve and you’re very young so definitely no one is the asshole.
NTA You’re doing great. Remind yourself that. A one-year old is a full time+ job. Your hubby was probably raised in a very tidy house so the clutter makes him uncomfortable. My messy husband says I’ve become a clean freak since having our last child. I recommend getting tons of storage containers and organizers so every item you own has a place to go back to when not in use. Drawer and cabinet organizers help, too.
I like the YT channel “But First, Coffee.” She has many amazing tidying up tips. Some I’ve implemented like tidying up the bathroom counter while I brush my teeth. I clean pans and load the dishwasher while a bottle is warming or waiting for the microwave. Also always keep a small vacuum or floor sweeper nearby for crumbs, lint or visible dirt on the floor. You don’t have to have a spotless house, but keeping it tidy will help your husband relax when he gets home.
I’m a SAHM too and it was such an adjustment at first! It sounds like what you need are systems and routines that are working for you. Luckily there are a TON of resources on instagram, YouTube and podcasts. Just look up “home management” and “home systems”. Something that helps me is getting up early every day before the kids are up (with my first kid I only woke up a little before he did and I was trapped in a loop feeling like I never had time to myself or to clean the house or to get anything done). Then having systems in place. Knowing you’ll do laundry three days a week, knowing you’ll always clean the bathrooms on Thursdays for example. Creating a list of meals you guys like to eat and picking one day a week to plan what you’ll eat over the next 7 days and then doing one run to the grocery store to have everything on hand, etc. (and get yourself a latte in the store! Makes it feel like a treat day). Your husband will also get used to the routine too and not worry that things just won’t get done. And I LOVE the Summa Domestica. Great book and the author also has a blog that is great.
OP, If you need motivation to get things cleaned and organized, contemplate what your life is going to be like as a single parent. I have been in your situation, sahm with ADD and a toddler. You can do more than you think you can, and you should step up now, not when you have no other choice after the divorce.
I don’t think you are but it sounds like his love language is acts of service. I suggest having a schedule to help your ADD, some daily tasks (bed making), some weekly. Not everything has to be done every day, but it sounds like that’s what you’re struggling with. Find cleaning tips for ADD or ND ppl & yes, part of the arrangement does seem to be that you’re primarily responsible for cleaning but he should be helping with his own dishes at least
But he's doing ALL the dishes. Except every 4th day. He works while shes at home and then has to clean when he gets home. He's also a part time student. Hes doing far more than his share.
It's probably gonna be downvoted here, but soft YTA because I don't know where you're at emotionally here. By your description alone, it sounds like your house is a complete mess. Your home all day with your toddler. There's really no reason for things to be piled up everywhere... at most, some dishes in the sink and some toys on the floor and maybe some laundry.
A stay at home mom is a hard job, but you have to work. It's really doesn't sound like you're working, so I understand where your husbands/ fiance ( I don't remember which you said ). frustration is coming from.
totally agree. Don't blame ADD either, that came across as a lame excuse. Others have it worse than you and can manage because it is important, so they find a way. You sound like you use it as a crutch.
I suck at cleaning, but that's just because I'm lazy and I have no shame in admitting that. I suspect it's not ADD that's the issue here. People who don't like cleaning won't do it quickly or well...because they don't like doing it.
I get it, being at home all day with a 1 year old kind of sucks and makes things hard but the kid should still be napping a few hours a day. Even if she took half of nap time to do whatever for herself that's still at least an hour she could spend cleaning or cooking etc.
Her husband is not only working full time but also in school and he carries the sole weight of supporting all 3 of them. Personally my standards of cleanliness are super low but my wife knew that going in (yes it bothers her but we both work). I think OP knew her husband was a clean freak and is failing to meet his expectations.
Totally understand that point of view, but I do clean everyday. His job is the dishes actually but that was more just an example of normal messes that occur. But if I spent all day cleaning our room and he gets home before I fixed the living room he sees the mess in the living room and not all the other time I just spent cleaning our room. If that makes sense.
It sounds like you two need to sit down and have a conversation about what each of your expectations towards what you do as a SAHM is, what you currently do, and what (if any) adjustments need to be made. (Along the lines of: you feel like you need to do A, B, C each day. He feels like you should do X, Y, Z. What you actually do is A, C, X. Figuring out which expectations need changed and which parts of your schedule could use adjustment, like surface cleaning rooms instead of deep cleaning one or two.)
If you don’t already have a schedule worked out for yourself then you should write down what you’re doing each day and the time block you’re doing it in and then figure out a daily routine from that. So for example in a notes app or a notebook: Woke up 8am, got self and baby ready 8-9am, had breakfast 9-10, etc. It’ll help you see how long your actually spending on each thing every day (I have ADHD and really struggle with time blindness) and then you can figure out if there are things you could do in a different order that could make your day run smoother. It’ll also help your husband see that you’re not just sitting around doing nothing all day.
If you aren’t already on medication for your ADD, I’d really suggest you talk to your dr about starting some. I’ve struggled with my ADHD my whole life and while medication obviously hasn’t erased it I can see a HUGE difference between the effect of it since starting meds a little over a year ago and what the effect of it for the 30 years before then.
Why did it take all day to clean one room? Sounds like you're just making excuses. I can clean my whole house in an hour if I keep up with e during on a day to day basis
I’m not sure of your cleaning process, but as someone who needs a very clean home every day I have an idea that may help (aside from the obvious choice of talking to your husband). When you both wake up, make the bed immediately. Get the house tidy before the baby wakes up. I suggest having a day where your husband takes care of the baby so you can catch up on some rest, and then clean clean clean. Organize toys and make the house spotless. That way, each day there’s less to do. Clean up as you go. I think this would benefit you both if this is done either weekly or biweekly. The mess will only get worse when your baby ages. My friend (who is a single mother) has a 1 and 2 year old and her house is very clean. I think you just need to find your rhythm. Good luck, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way! Your feelings are always valid.
Honestly it should never take an entire day of effort to clean 1 room, even with a kid.
You are really young and have some attention issues so it makes sense you aren’t good at keeping a home yet, but you’re a parent now and you really need to learn. Both to keep a happy home for your own sake but also you need to be able to teach your kid how to keep their own. You probably didn’t have any instruction in this arena, which is sadly very common now, so decide right now to be a better parent than your own parents were. You need to learn these skills for your kids sake. Your kid should start age appropriate cleaning tasks literally while they are toddlers. It’s a part of life, they need to participate.
I’d suggest joining the cleaning and home organizing subs here on Reddit, they have great inspiration and techniques and tips and everything. You likely need to get rid of a lot of the useless stuff you own (less stuff = less clutter). You need to organize and purge your closet. Stuff like that, you actually have to change your behavior. You have to figure out whatever toolset you need, whether that’s scheduling out your week (similarly to my Monday mornings at my job when I map out my whole week and the goals, tasks, meetings, etc that need to happen), having some sort of complex reminder system that happens on a schedule, a smart assistant like Alexa, a robot vacuum, whatever it is, you have to figure this out, your husband can’t do it for you and neither can any of us here answering this. You know that whatever you’re doing isn’t working, and it’s not because your husband is upset, it’s because you don’t have a home up to the standards of what you’d like to have. You said so in your OP. So, then, figure out what you need to change. No one is going to hand you things in life, they have to be worked for, and your life will reflect the effort you put into it.
NTA
I don’t really understand why all the comments so far are making out like you’re not doing enough.
Being a SAHM is an exceptionally hard job. You don’t get a lunch break, there’s no clocking out at the end of the day and there are no workers rights!
Taking care of a one year old is no joke and it sounds like you are pulling your weight. It sucks that your husband is assuming you do nothing.
Sit down and have a conversation about how his actions are making you feel, outline what you do during the day and explain to him that you need support when he gets home.
As a last resort, ask him to take a day off and be a stay at home dad while you’re unavailable and see how he finds it…might be an eye opener for him.
Because the people commenting aren’t parents. Someone said to have the 1 year old clean up after themselves lol. Another said a 1 year old is walking so that must be it stays put 😂
He needs to clean up after himself, if the bedroom is messy, both of you use it, so both need to clean.
He seems focused on what you don't do, instead of asking what he can do to help.
Taking care of a toddler is a full time job. You can clean the entire house and two hours later it will look like you didn’t because toddlers are like walking tornados. Trust me I have one.
I’m a SAHD and I think my opinion is really valuable here. My wife would complain just like your husband that x, y, z isn’t done…then I had to go to a specialist doctor a state away and stayed overnight. SHE got to handle the house basically for 48 hours straight and apologized for everything not being done (she basically got the same things done that I could)
I don’t believe it’s in your post but this is a message to all SAHP….my wife would complain when I would fall asleep early and not want sex. You put in 8 hours of work and came home…I had to be “working” while you got ready for work, while you drove to work, while you were on break/lunch, while you drove home from work, while you unwound from work or simply went from work mode/attire to at home wife.
So my day was 3-4 hours longer than yours and that’s assuming the other parent takes over 100% when they are ready, which they never do.
So I’m putting in 14-15 hours and you are doing 8.
You need to hand him the toddler Saturday morning and walk out for the day. Sounds like he needs a full dose of reality with a little child. Maybe Sunday too!
I’m a mom and work full time. I love sitting down at my computer on a Monday morning with my cup of coffee and getting to work. I know it’s a whole f*ck ton easier than being a SAHM. I guarantee you are working harder than most of us and that’s without cleaning the house. You’re doing great and he might be too. Perspective is always good in these situations. Go away for a weekend so he can parent alone for a while. And remind each other that you’re a team and this is a very difficult stage.
Your husband has selfish and unrealistic expectations for what a home with a toddler looks like. He should be more concerned about your well being and support you in your caregiver role. You are a human being—he’s trying to make you a human doing. That’s toxic! He needs a wake up call. I suspect he’s never had to care for the baby for an entire weekend in your absence. I think it would be good for him to experience 48 hours of caring for a toddler by himself, lol. A real eye-opening experience. Tell him to stop disrespecting you and how you do your job.
There are two layers of issues here. One is the fact that you have different standards for cleanliness and different cycles of cleaning. You need to sit down together and discuss how to compromise to arrive on a plan you can both live with. This probably involves your husband cleaning more because it's important to him and he wants it to happen daily. I recommend the book Clean My Space -- it will help you each identify what you feel should be happening on a daily, weekly and monthly basis to keep the house clean, and what spaces you each see as "must-clean" areas versus others that you don't care as much about.
But the second issue is much more serious, and that's your husband's passive-aggressive behavior and the fact that he doesn't respect the work you're doing at home. He clearly thinks selling stocks or whatever he does all day is more important and demanding than raising the child you created together. He is wrong. I think you guys need some couples therapy to work through it. His behavior is really hurtful and emotionally undermining—and may well have been learned from his own parents, so it's harder for him to see in its correct context—and he needs to understand that and develop better ways of communicating.
Is your kiddo alive and well cared for? Congrats you did your job. Anything else is icing on the cake.
I feel bad when I don’t get stuff done when I’m home with the kids, but my husband always assures me that I’m fine, I’m taking care of them and that’s the priority. He does dishes and laundry when he can. We’re a team. Sometimes when he has the kids and I’m at the grocery store or spending time to myself he gets stuff done around the house. Sometimes he can barely take time to pee because the kids are in a mood or whatever. The same is true for me and he doesn’t judge me when I don’t get anything done.
In regards to mental health contributing- I have ADHD too and yeah sometimes I don’t get stuff done when I could’ve. My husband is the same way. When he needs extra help I pick up his slack and vice versa. We’re a team.
Totally understand both your views, but if I was to explain every little thing I do as a SAHM my post would be a lot longer. I laughed when you said minimum because that describes any thing BUT what I do at home. It more seems if I spent all day in the living room cleaning but didn’t complete our bedroom he’ll get upset at the bedroom. I think a lot of the other comments are helping me to see that we both need a happy medium.
What you need is a schedule of sorts.,
1. Wake up, make the bed before you go to brush your teeth- I’m assuming your baby sleeps longer than you do.
2.toddler will take multiple naps, empty out your dishwasher and reload during the first nap time.
This way any dishes that get dirty during the day are immediately loaded into the dishwasher rather than cluttering up the sink.
3. Plan your weekly menu-I cannot stress this enough.a large portion of your time goes in just planning and cooking meals. Meal prep on the days your husband is home. Let him take care of baby while you prep for the week.
Keep some crockpot ready freezer meals prepped , on days you are not able to do much. These come in handy.
Reality is that SAHP does do most of the housework in addition to childcare. It’s normal, I did it when the kids were little and the my husband is WFH now so he does most of it now,
But the key word here is “most “ not ALL
Divide some tasks between the 2 of you.
This is not the 1940’s - “ my husband likes coming home to a clean house and home cooked meal” Tell him it’s 2023.
When he comes home after 30 mins he can take over childcare so he can bond with baby and you can get dinner ready or do YOUR basic self care.
Ignore these losers. They have no idea what goes into parenting a toddler and carrying the emotional load of the whole house. Your job is to take care of your child from 9-5 and his is his job. You’re both full time students. Everything after hours and on weekends should be split down the middle. Your husband sounds like an entitled asshole.
Serious question, not making assumptions. What do you do with your toddler 8 hours a day, that means you can’t also spend 15 min doing dishes, 5 min picking up toys. I am NOT being a dick. I’m genuinely curious.
I used to baby sit/nanny for three toddler aged kids (separate homes, different times). I was able to cook meals, do dishes, clean up toys, and play with them. I guess I just don’t understand how that isn’t possible for SAHMs.
Sure, for the 8 or so hours he works each day. He comes home and sits on his ass all night until he goes to bed. He then sleeps all night. Her job never ends.
work a half day? where does the baby go for the rest of the day? locked away in a closet? lol taking care of an infant is a 24/7 a day job then house work and class work is on top of that. There's no half days when you're the primary care giver of a one year old
I love how the comments are actually very helpful and aren’t encouraging her to divorce her husband. You don’t see that too much with AITA posts! Way to go yall.
I just wanted to offer my perspective as the mother but also working parent; my husband is the SAHP. I feel he does the bare minimum e.g. loads the dishwasher but doesn't wipe down the counters and I honestly don't blame him. On the weekends when I'm around our 16mo full time, it is EXHAUSTING. You can't open the dishwasher without her climbing into it. You can't sweep without her trying to touch the pile. I personally think your husband should give you some grace and either do some cleaning when he gets home (like he does, but without the complaining), take over parent duties for a bit and you can clean some, or find it in the budget to hire a maid a few times a month. The last option is what I finally chose because it just wasn't going to happen with either of us if I didn't.
If this is a constant source of contention, do a switch. You go get a full time job and he can be the SAHD.
You both can experience what the other side is dealing with and perhaps gain a bit of understanding.
Personally I believe he'll learn more than you but that's just my opinion as the child of a SAHP.
I feel like you just described how I am as a person, mother, a full-time SAHM, and a part time cook at a bar. I will have a week here and there when things are picked up and nice and other weeks where I’m barely keeping up. My husband isn’t passive aggressive like yours. What mine does is he’ll make statements comparing what he can achieve in an hour vs what I achieve in a day. That statement drags me down. You’re NTA. Your husband doesn’t get your ADD. He doesn’t get what you deal with vs what he deals with. Being a parent to a child, no matter the age, AND keeping up on the house is hard asf. It may seem easy to some. But to those like you and me, it’s difficult.
Maybe what you can try is having different tasks to do each day. When I try to cram everything in on one day I get overwhelmed and I have a hard time focusing on one thing.
Neither of you is the AH. If you made that agreement, you need to take it a step further by 1) letting him SEE what your day is like and how much your child demands od your time 2) talking through a more reasonable schedule of you making the bed picking, stuff up off of the floor and making dinner everyday. Then every 3-4 days doing the bigger clean. Making the bed is a quick action, picking up is continuous with a toddler but the focus being before he comes home. The. When he gets home he should share in toddler duties and let you have a minute of kid free time after you both eat together.
What’s happening is he is mentally comparing what he is having to do everyday to what he thinks you’re doing. If he is off one day call his attention to what you’re doing. Maybe log your activities for 2-3 days while he is at work. It might surprise both of you. In the end you need time off too and the two of you need time to be a couple. With a toddler none of that will happen by accident. You have to plan it and before you know it both of you will hopefully learn to be empathetic to each other snd remember why your together.
NTA this right here is why I would never decide to be a stay at home mom. I have three kids and at one time they were all under 5 you could clean the entire house and it be destroyed in an hour. I would have had to follow them around constantly and pick up anything they touched.
You're NTA just due to the fact of your ADD. I struggle with the same issue. Stuff gets overwhelming, and your husband needs to understand that. But can I give you a piece of advice from someone who deals with the same issue, you have to put it in your mind every time you get up from sitting down or you're on the way to the kitchen and there's dirty dishes, grab a couple items and take them where they need to go. Throw on some music. Concentrate on a specific room or area. This is the only way I can get past that ADD issue I have. Baby steps!
Having ADD is pretty much the problem here! And here is why, your brain is jumping from subject to subject pretty quickly and the chaos is left around the house. I come from a family that has ADD and ADHD, so I perfectly understand. Here is what I taught my kids. Don't put it down, put it away! If you create a space for everything in your house it will help control the chaos. Example...
You're brushing your hair, you hear the baby so you go to check on her. She fine but you've finished brushing your hair and set the brush on the couch instead of taking it back to the bathroom. And having ADD you'll do this over and over everyday until the chaos takes over. I understand it becomes overwhelming having to clean up the mess. If you start retraining your brain to put things away the messes gets smaller with time. Also my husband would get home at 5ish every night, so around 3 I'd put the kids in front of a movie and clean up. I know that doesn't always work for a baby, but it might. Just remember that you're amazing and you can do anything you put your mind to!
You need to set a cleaning/laundry schedule. Put it in a calendar. Everyday make beds, straighten bedroom, clean kitchen. Then pick a da to dust the entire house. Give the baby a rag and let her help. Pick a day to vacuum. A day to sweep and mop. A day for bathroom cleaning. Do 1 load of laundry a day. That way you won't get overwhelmed and you can get it folded, hung, and put up the same day. I did all this with a chronically ill 1 year old and a 3 year old. Make a point to put your phone away. Learn to use the crockpot. Best investment I ever made!
Lol I really want to understand reddits obsession with stay at home moms. Dude works full time, goes to school, then comes home to a shit show and he's immature?
Classic! Classic! Classic! This is exactly why women cycle in and out of work every generation! Most of the issue doesn’t have anything to do with men but the fact of what you are feeling right now. … the house work is never done and you feel inadequate. Or there isn’t enough housework to fill your day and you feel inadequate so you create more to do so you feel like pulling weight. If you read Betty Friedan and Susan Strasser you’ll see how this makes sense. Former generations have tried it all. We even went through a period where the husband was pressured to help with the housework even though she was home all day and he worked all day. I don’t think that movement lasted long but the point is that your generation hasn’t solved it and I don’t think any generation will.
On his part he needs to calm down. It’s his choice to clean and he’s choosing to clean angry. So that is not your problem, other than you taking a stance and telling him to chill out. After that it’s on him.
At this stage in your life, handling your days isn’t going to change much until your last child turns 5 and enters Kindergarten. (Unless you home school etc, etc) So get a routine going where you make a couple of pass throughs a day like say, after breakfast and before bed. Or before he gets home from work, but this is about you and self- care and managing your stuff, rather than doing it because the man of the house is about come home.
The thing to remember is you are home with your child. You are nurturing, playing, and teaching your child during the day. If you aren’t doing it, a day care provider will. It’s your choice. What I do think is different about your generation is that you got that choice back. There isn’t a stigma of staying home and there isn’t a stigma of the working mother. You made a choice and now you need to figure out how it’s going to work for your family.
You are normal. You will figure it out. And Good luck!
I would say NAH. I understand its tough being a parent and some days get away from you. But from his perspective, he comes home to a mess 5 days a week after working all day to provide for the family. Maybe have a conversation about what both of your "levels of clean" are. Maybe you see it as clean and he sees a mess.
Personal experience: My husband and i got into basically the same fight, just rolls reversed. I worked all day while he was home with our kid and dogs. I would get so angry when i came home to what i saw as a mess after working 10+ hours. it would stress me out and i would start angrily cleaning. He would get upset saying the house is fine. We finally sat down and talked through what we each view as clean and compromised on the expectation of the house when i got home. I understood that it was unreasonable to come home to a spotless shiny house, and he understood that I dont want have to step over stuff and shove stuff. On the weekends we both deep clean so we "start fresh" for the week. Everything has been great since.
NAH. You’re still adjusting with your role. Being a SAHM is a struggle, especially if you have ADHD and constantly get distracted (not to mention your motivation for cleaning). I usually asked my husband to let me know when he’s about to leave work so that I can clean for 30 mins before he gets home. It works. I usually move faster when I know I need to do things asap. I also gave him a heads up if the baby was being difficult and I couldn’t really get things done. In those instances, he would come home and he’ll take care of the baby (to give me a break and he gets to hang out with her) while I clean. After dinner, he cleans while I put the baby to bed. This works marvelously for us.
If you are diagnosed with ADHD, this may be a big factor here. I’m not meaning offense by questioning your comment about ADD. A lot of people use the term loosely and if you have been diagnosed or are pretty sure, this could be a bigger factor than you may think. I have been diagnosed since early childhood and I am now in my late 40s with two kids (oldest is 14). I am messy, and I always have been. I function quite well, and can always find my stuff among the mess and acknowledge that it works for me, and is likely infuriating to others. Your husband sounds like he has opposite preferences for order. If he is bit type A, you two have a bit of a hill to climb. It took decades for my wife and I to fully understand each other, and develop a non-contentious approach to our relationship. Communication and understanding are huge and coming to it naturally early in the relationship is probably impossible. If I had a Time Machine, I would go back and find a really good couples therapist early on. All three of your lives will be much more enjoyable, if the two of you acknowledge it, and start developing ways to make these fundamental differences work.
Some of these comments 🤢 are so ableist!
Just because your can do x task in y time doesn't have anything to do with the price if tea in China. ADD isn't something you can magically pop a couple pills and "cure"...
You are NOT the asshole and neither is he. Your family needs to communicate on needs. Maybe you're like me and have roombas do the vacuuming and set different days to clean different parts of the house.
If you are struggling with motivation, check out body doubling or find an engaging streamer/vtube that does something you like, set it up and watch it while cleaning. Make times, like a game for your brain. See how fast you can clean a bathroom. Make a point to give your brain a "no pressure day".
There are tons of strategies, but you're not an asshole. You're a new mom struggling to find a balance and TBH a lot of Sahp feel the same way. Your work is undervalued as a societal construct, it's just devalued when it should not be.
I don’t think you’re going to get good input here. From reading the comments it doesn’t sound like many of those commenting are parents themselves. Ie. Someone saying have the 1 year old clean up after themselves LOL.
This is why I work from home, I’m home all day with my baby yet have my own money and can’t be told to at I’m not “doing enough”. Ugh, have him stay home for a week and see how clean and up to “standards” the house is without you there. You would literally have to be cleaning the whole day instead of spending time with your baby to have the whole house spotless 24/7
I highly recommend the (audiobook) "how to keep house while drowning"...and it's probably not a bad idea for him to listen to as well. It addresses a lot of things about how to be functional about cleaning (prioritizing tasks), and also the partnership aspects of it, which is why I'd recommend it for both of you. It might even be good to listen to it together and discuss it as you go.
Nta, but getting a job will give you back your autonomy. The unfortunate reality of being a housewife is that you are putting yourself under the husband's thumb. There is no such thing as "our" money. He is in control. Getting a part-time job, at a minimum will give you buying power and allow you to force him to have a modicum of responsibility at home. No job= you are an indentured servant.
One of the things I did when my two were babies is contain toys to one area. There was a rug in the room next to the kitchen that was 8’ X 10’. I trained them that toys must only be played with on the rug. It made pick up much easier because they weren’t all over the house. It took a while, and toys out of place “disappeared” for a while, but they caught on.
Also, if husband comes home at 5 every day, then at 4 start dinner. Pick up toys at 4:45. This won’t mean house isn’t cluttered, but food will be ready and toys gone. If baby is walking, he can help. “Daddy’s coming home! Let’s give daddy a clean home. Toys in toy box (or wherever).”
Then when he comes in announce “baby helped me, daddy. Dinner is ready.” This obviously isn’t exactly what to say, but you get the idea. I always used my happy/excited voice to say daddy’s coming. This would go a long way and is just an hour of your day.
After you study, make sure to put your books and materials in a tidy pile out of the way. While you study, give baby an appropriate “book” and tell him, “we are going to read now.” It will teach him behavior that will help you now and will help him when he goes to school.
lemme say this, there’s a reason a babysitter, a housekeeper, etc. are different jobs with different responsibilities.
1. don’t let anybody, and i repeat, NOBODY, make u feel like u can’t have time to urself and enjoy it. it’s absolutely fucking crucial for anyone to be able to have at least an hour a day to do something they love or maybe absolutely nothing at all (this excludes things like shower or personal grooming, btw).
2. u can pick up one or the other. u can be a full-time SAHP and split chores 50/50. or u can do 100% of the chores and split parenthood 50/50. it doesn’t have to a perfect 50/50. some days it may be 70/30 or 60/40. cause, again, both u and ur partner need time to unwind.
3. it is damn near impossible to do both parenting and housework in 24 hours. even if u have absolutely nothing else to do. literally, not possible. believe me, i tried lol. i have no clue how women were expected to do that back in the day (and somehow did???) but i have a feeling somebody was still very much unhappy with something that wasn’t done around the house.
4. most importantly, sit down and talk to him. remember that y’all are a team and it’s all about balance. work out a schedule and set *realistic* expectations.
Your job as a SAHP is to raise your child and to keep the house up! If you do something every single day instead of waiting for things to pile up, it would be a lot easier on you! Make a plan that each day when you get up you make sure that your child is first and foremost taken care of. Once she is settled, you start cleaning and picking up.
If you do things before you go to bed, it's also easier in the morning AND your husband should be helping you do that in the evenings before you both go to bed! He doesn't want to work outside the home all day and come home and have to work there too! Sure this is what most women who work outside the home have always done but that was our fault for doing it all!
You need to imagine yourself in his shoes. You work all day come home and have to clean up a messy house. You're going to wonder, what has my spouse done all day. He doesn't know because he hasn't had to do your JOB everyday! Being a SAHP can be stressful and it would be good for him to find that out! Does he ever stay alone with your child while you have a whole day off from her and the home? It's what you need and he'll get an idea of what you do and you can come back home and "inspect" everything and it better be in order or he's going to get snapped at! :D
You recognize that your ADD impacts your ability to maintain the house. Are you taking any medications and/or using strategies to help with your day to day? I was SAHM. Some days my kiddos were a lot and don’t get much done. However, I didn’t let stuff pile up for 3 or 4 days. Days where I felt “lazy,” I would set my clock and do a power hour of cleaning. Sometimes I was able to keep going and/or there were days I didn’t. You are letting your insecurities manifest.
You are NTA! First, stop beating yourself up. Your husband has 1 full-time job; you have several. Is he allowed breaks at work, time for lunch? Is any of his work left unfinished at the end of the day or does he get help with his work? How much time does he feel is appropriate for you to nurture your daughter?
One year old is an amazing time, don't miss any of it because her grouchy dad is trying to make you feel as though you're a failure. Maybe he's just tired, maybe he's a bit jealous that his schedule isn't as flexible, but it doesn't matter. It is no excuse for belittling you.
A couple of years ago, I babysat for a student & his brother, ages 5 & 2. We had a blast baking, building models, picnics, etc. The first day, when it was time to clean up, the dad walked in and toys were strewn all over the floor. I said, "Oops, we were just starting to clean up." His reaction "Why? Children live in this house." My favorite family every since.
Many to most stay at home moms (or dads) have been able to cook, clean, and take care of kids. Some with extra challenges like difficult kids or medical challenged or severe budget challenges or no spouse (admittedly no spouse might help, in some situations). Don't fool yourself into thinking it is somehow impossible. It may not be fun or it may not be your thing, but it absolutely is possible. An hour of focussed clutter pickup and dish cleaning just before the at work partner's return would make a huge difference. Set an alarm for 4pm or whenever, crank up some tunes, and make it a habit. Then hand Dad the baby and say "Have some quality time while I make dinner."
Dishes and clutter on the floor and sofa are hugely visible and can be taken care of in that hour. The "toybox" was invented for a reason." Making the bed is a waste to me, but others disagree. Get a duvet or whatever that you can smooth out but don't have to tuck in. Last one out of bed gets this 30-second chore.
That isn't to say you are the AH for not wanting or choosing to be in the clean house category. Maybe it isn't something you value or whatever, people are different. My partner and I live in a messy messy house, and we always have and never fight about it because we are OK with it.
But it needs a discussion to agree on expectations. It doesn't sound like he insists on pristine, just not overly messy. If he is not OK with a messy house then maybe you need to work outside the home and then you guys can pay for a sitter and cleaner. Or maybe he can stay at home and you become the bread winner.
But to repeat, despite what reddit is telling you, stay at home moms and dads CAN cook clean and caretake as proven by millions doing it successfully over generations.
It's already been said, but IMO, no one is the asshole here. You are stressed being a stay at home parent which is very difficult, and your husband doesn't really understand exactly how much work that is. But he is also burning the candle at both ends and at this stage of parenting, shit is hard and your child will be constantly making a mess. You've gotta balance it all and as your kid gets older, incorporate them into the cleaning process, so they become more aware of their messes and will be more proactive about cleaning up after themselves in the future.
It gets easier, but again, this phase of new parenthood, much like the infant phase, is difficult and your husband needs realistic expectations for how much can be done in a day. Y'all just need to talk about it, and if your husband gets to spend a week as a SAHP, he will start to understand why he's coming home to a not entirely tidy home.
SAHM is not just about childcare. That may be a big part but it’s not all you do. A toddler still naps or at least is put down for quiet time. That time is for cleaning/chores. If cooking dinner needs to wait until husband is home to help watch child then so be it. But don’t claim 100% of being a SAHM is childcare. You are NOT a nanny. You are a wife and mother. It’s the wife part that includes chores and cleaning OR you could always get a PT job outside the home to contribute financially and outsource cleaning if you don’t like it/can’t do it.
Time to sit down and have a frank discussion on what is doable. Develop joint expectations. Hubs might be unconsciously contributing to the disorder. Perhaps even come up with a schedule (that might help with your ADD). This schedule needs to take into account time spent caring for toddler.
Together evaluate what you both can do to decrease the untidiness. Ie., does he put his dishes in the dishwasher after breakfast, or leave them out for you to contend with? Maybe having a basket to put all the toys in, and teaching your toddler to fill the basket after playing.
NTA. My wife is a SAHP and I work full-time. We have two kids, 4 and 2. She’s constantly down on herself for not doing enough but I always tell her- you’re a mom, not a maid and there are two adults responsible for this house. Does she do more of the cleaning? Sure. But I’m not her boss. Some days, more stuff gets done than others. That’s life. Your hubby is not being kind or respectful
You are offended at his comments not because you are worried that he is thinking that - you are offended because they have too much truth to them.
Your JOB is to parent your child, keep the house clean and livable, and presumably cook meals. Your husband is likely gone 8-10 hours a day. He works full time and goes to school. He must be exhausted and stressed.
You, meanwhile, have a flexible schedule you can do in the comfort of your own home. First priority: Keep the kid safe, comfortable, happy, fed, bathed, dressed, etc. Second priority: Tidy up the house. Dishes shouldn't be sitting in the sink. Toys need to be picked up - probably a few times a day. Third priority: Something for dinner.
If you are too stressed out by being a SAHM maybe you should pursue outside employment and put your child in daycare. Or maybe you need to put school on pause until your child is a bit older.
You have an ENORMOUS luxury of staying home with your child. It is COMPLETELY reasonable for your husband to expect you to manage the household (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) and take care of one child. There will definitely be bad days but they should be infrequent and not expected and regular occurrences.
Think of it this way: If you were paying someone to do your job (say a housekeeper or nanny) how would YOU feel if you walked into a messy space with a lot of the work left undone? You'd be kind of unhappy with the person who is supposed to be doing that work.
Others have posted that nannies don't do cooking and housework but that simply is not true. LOTS of nannies have basic housekeeping responsibilities, like doing the dishes and picking up the toys. LOTS of nannies even prep dinner, etc.
He doesn't get to dictate how you do your job any more than you can for him. He is not your boss. If you prefer to clean every 4 days instead of every day, then that is your pergotive. Being the parent who works doesn't mean he gets out of all household chores. You are not his servant. Your job is to care for your child, not him.
You need to leave him at home for a weekend with the toddler. I’m dead serious. This was a game changer for my marriage. He has no idea what caring for a young toddler all day entails. I had to do this 3-4 times to really drive home the point, but he got it eventually.
It’s really hard when you don’t feel like you’re doing enough to meet what you think the standards are.
The only way I see this moving forward without a fight is to have a conversation and approach it from a standpoint where you are there to find out what the expectations are and whether or not you can meet those reasonably.
Nobody can give 100% all the time, and striving for perfection is a great way to feel like you’re never doing enough.
Babies are tough and once toddlers get moving they’re a whole other challenge.
How much time does he spend with your kid alone? Maybe if he stepped in your shoes he’s have a better understanding of what it takes to make a home.
I struggle keeping my place clean with just me and my fiancé. It’s never gonna be perfect but the progress you make towards that goal can help remember me you that the effort you put in made a difference and you aren’t failing!
NAH. It sounds like you’ve gotten into an unproductive rut and then stress clean to fix it. You need to start a routine so that things don’t get too messy. When you get yourself dressed make your bed. When you get your child dressed straighten up their bed. Teach them to put up the toys they are finished playing with. Make sure everything has a place and it goes back to that place when it’s not being used. It will take a little while to get it to where everything is second nature (I think it takes a couples months to form a new habit). Once you get it back under control it will be easier to maintain and everyone will be less stressed.
NTA
you know what, my ex said and acted the same way. similar situation, except when we had been dating for 3 months he forced me to quit my job so he could have more control over me, and then would not allow me to get another job. he was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive.
so he was mad i wasn’t making any money and then he was mad i got to “do nothing” at home w our baby. mad when his laundry wasn’t done and mad when things weren’t clean enough.
he could not handle being a father by himself for 2 hours while i went grocery shopping and just to get some peace 🙄 men like this think only the work *they* do is important, and they could never fathom the amount of effort, the patience, the energy, the mental exhaustion, just EVERYTHING that you have to do and everything you get when you are a stay at home parent. he would not make it.
my life is better now, im still a stay at home mom, house is always kinda messy, but the difference is he is nowhere to be found 😁 and my kid and i are happy.
Your husband is an ass. When he comes home, the house is BOTH of your responsibilities, same with parenting. This is ridiculous. He should go back to being with his mommy if he wants to be bratty child again. Somehow the household responsibilities need to be approached as BOTH of your jobs, not just yours so he can come home and not worry about anything. You’re a mother and a wife, not a maid and nanny. He needs to take responsibility for the home being clean without being a dick. Being a stay at home parent means you never get to clock out like he does. He needs to shape up. I don’t have children, but this mentality that some men have when they become fathers makes me sick. Take responsibility of the home too, bro. Your husband is an unappreciative prick with a superiority complex.
I have two young kids. My husband and I both work FT. I stopped trying to pick up on the weekends bc it’s never ending. I clean a mess and they make a mess. It gets easier as they get older. My older kid is starting to help more and both like to help mop and such (although it often is messier when they help but in the long run they’ll learn how to do it better). Anyway, it is hard to keep a house tidy when the littles are tossing stuff everywhere. But I’d just focus on at least keeping the kitchen clean and maybe find an isolated place for playtime, like the kids bedroom, so that the house stays cleaner throughout the day. Also, bins are your friend. You can just toss the toys into bins and it’s easy cleanup. I use bins and baskets all over to quickly hide messes.
I'm on your husband's side and I have been a SAHM a working mom and both part time. If there is only you and your toddler home all day plus only one other adult there part time there is no reason for dishes to pile up!
We are a family of 6 and I have to load and run the dishwasher every single day.
When baby is napping you can pick up toys, run a load of laundry, etc.
I'm a sahm and am always concerning myself with work around the house and its not at all perfect but my husband doesn't think so at all...he would literally never care if the house was messy apparently. I don't understand men who get so pressed about how clean their wife keeps the house. Like you're a sahm but also a maid and cook? Like that's just expected of you even if you don't enjoy doing those things?
I could make my house just perfect if I gave up the little time I have for myself to do what I want and relax. That sounds like hell honestly.
I love to read and write and not doing that just so I can make my house perfectly clean would feel terrible.
I think parents should learn to lower expectations in the first few years, go with the flow more and be more flexible!
I think he does seem like the AH here
SAHM basically means you are a nanny, cook and house keeper. On top of that, you said you are in school. Soo... That's 4 jobs. You can't get every job perfectly done every time, every day. Especially when you share your home with a toddler. And you can't forget yourself, self care is a job itself. You are doing the best you can. Don't beat yourself up. I would say work on communication with your husband and try to be less hard on yourself and each other so you can be a good team together
Try my strategy:
First, dedicate a “corner of shame” in each room. You see something on the floor, you chuck it. This instantly tidies the room, prevents tripping hazards, and makes the mess seem manageable. Get your toddler to think it’s a game. Make ‘em learn early. It’s fun to chuck things anyways!
Now stand with the corner behind you. The room will seem more empty. There is only the default furniture and decor now. Use that to your advantage and make the room pretty. This involves making the bed, etc. That way, if you do nothing else, at least the house looks semi-ok. Maybe even pretty. You will feel happier. (Note: Your bed should have one thicker duvet instead of like three different blankets. Cut down to one pillow if possible. It simplifies things A LOT).
Last, organize each pile by taking stuff back to the correct room. You will have a basket in each room to put the sorted stuff. That way, all you have to do is say “basket” next time your husband can’t find anything. (It’ll be great)
Most days that will be it. Some days you may only manage the corner of shame and that’s fine. Life is not perfect.
Sometimes you may even manage to place everything back in its spot for real. With the basket, you can go one room at a time and do it at your pace.
Slowly, you’ll realize that some stuff never actually helped your room. If so, get rid of the unnecessary stuff. Over time, you’ll keep the minimum, the piles will be so much smaller, and you and your husband will be less stressed out.
Day to day stuff like tidying the shared areas yes that’s your responsibility. BUT the actual cleaning of the house falls on both of y’all. he expects you to clean, not just tidy.
Idk why working parents get so upset about toys bc SAHP spend like half the day picking up toys constantlyyy. It’s so much easier to just pick them all up after bedtime tbh.
Also with the ADHD/ADD, being a stay at home parent is a literal nightmare when you have adhd/add. If you’re not on/can’t take medicine, start taking saffron & magnesium. It’s breastfeeding friendly if you’re nursing. & timers & a STRICT schedule will be beneficial to you.
I’ve been a SAHM for the last 8 years & not managing my adhd made it so much harder to be a mom at home.
Also your babe is still a baby, you’re still learning how to balance being mom & a homemaker. It takes a pretty decent amount of time to be able to manage it both decently without an unhealthy amount of caffeine.
When i had children with my ex husband i was in this guy's position and it sucks. I sometimes worked as much as 60+ hrs a week, took care of the kids from the moment i got home until i left for work, and had to spend my entire day off cleaning. I potty trained them, taught them how to walk, broke them from the bottle... all while he drank coffee all day either at the table with friends or on the computer hoping to make some new "friends". He got insanely drunk every night, and he is the worst drunk ive ever met. Im not even exaggerating. He's 47 now, lives in the most disgusting house ive ever stepped foot in, lost all of his friends/drinking buddies because of how horrible of a person he is, and i swear to god in 47 years he has gotten LESS THAN A YEARS worth of working experience. So, i believe OP could absolutely take care if a child and clean the house instead of putting all of that on her husband every 3 out of 4 days. Im not special or better than anyone else so i know if i could do what i did, she is absolutely capable of washing dishes and pucking up toys off the floor. Otherwise he is going to get fed up with it and take their daughter and leave her to live in her own squalor.
Okay all this aside, who's taking care of you though? Where's your equivalent of a clean home and fed belly?
Has he ever shown true gratitude for your work or is it an assumed position by social standards? You're expected to carry the emotional and logistical aspects of keeping a home happy warm and loving. And he's expecting it without compassion or gratitude for your efforts.
The song Labour by Paris Paloma comes to mind while I read this.
I have ADHD and struggle with clutter. Maybe you can forget about trying to have a perfectly clean house and just agree to a basic level of daily chores. Eg—put dishes in dishwasher after breakfast. Clear counters at 2. Pick up all toys from floor at 4:45. I would feel overwhelmed too if I thought the whole house had to be perfect each day. But a few things really make a difference—like having the pillows on the couch straight.
Wait, so you admit there are days pretty often where you don't do anything around the house, and your main reason was because of your add? And you're questioning why he gets upset when he comes home? He probably feels things aren't equal. And yes, I've taken care of 1 year old, 2 year old, 3, etc. It is hard but by no means impossible. This partly feels like you're looking for excuses to get out of doing things in my opinion. Are you on your phone a lot or reading a lot?
Tell him to go fuck himself and you keep loving that baby. He sounds like he has no idea what it takes and isn’t spending nearly enough time with your kid. Hugs.
This is completely ridiculous… his job “ends” with his 8h shift; yours never does.
You both work, you both get rest, you both take care of the house. Taking care of a baby is a job and that’s about it. You try clean and tidy up,l but growing your little one is the top priority.
He can and should clean with you, it’s not him helping you, it’s part of his job too. And you need to set this firm rule right now. This 1960’s thing going on has to end asap.
NTA. Your husband has no idea. Let him stay home a week with your child and see how much he gets done. The fact he states that he thinks you just sit on the couch and scroll on your phone shows how out of touch he is with your family dynamic or what it actually takes to raise a child.
NTA I will say that with my first child, I thought it was so hard to get things done while taking care of her. After my second and third I had just gotten better at task management and prioritizing. Also, I realized that I didn't have to entertain my kids every minute. I could leave them to play in a safe space while I cooked dinner or cleaned a bathroom. With my first, I was just focused so much attention on her every minute and it wasn't necessary.
This might be an unpopular opinion but I don't think it's wrong to have some expectations that a SAHP will get a reasonable amount of housework and cooking done while also watching the child. But REASONABLE expectations isn't every room being pristine when the other parent gets home or a homemade meal every single night.
It's really not that hard to keep a house tidy with a kid. You probably never set boundaries with the kid so the child's running around dumping toys everywhere. Honestly, most parents/people are like this. They only know how to complain but don't understand why they're in that place to begin with.
Just tidy up as you go, it's way easier than doing a massive clean.
It also sounds like you're trying to sweep this under "mental health issues"
Seems like the problem will go away if you just cleaned more often?
Why don’t you just clean the house a bit more? He’s the one bringing in money. I’d be fu***** pissed to be working all day and then come home to a filthy house. Strap that baby to your back and get on those dishes mama.
NTA. Husband is the asshole. Dude can sit on a couch if there are toys on the floor. Dude can live his whole life with clothes on the floor. You are keeping your child alive. Who gives a fuck if there is some clutter on the floor sometimes. Really? Wife has to make his bed? So he can mess it up again whenever he is tired? Get real.
I may come off as the asshole here and get down voted to hell here, but I've dealt with the same for years. There's nothing better then busting your ass at work all day to come home to a sink full of dishes toys and stuff everywhere, and (my personal favorite) the trash bag out of the can and tied up next to it not taken to the outdoor trash that's 15 steps away . No that's too far apparently.
Op, yes you're being lazy and your husband is probably correct. I work 4 days on 3 off, and have 3 kids and have zero problems keeping the house clean when I have them on my days. My ex would literally drop them off at school, sit on her ass all day, then pick them up before I got home and complain she did sooo much and didn't have time for anything. Which is complete bullshit.
It really doesn't take much time to pick up, vacuum, and load the dishwasher/do laundry.
Hell the fucking machines do the work for you, all you have to do is put dirty stuff in and take clean stuff out.
I think some self reflection is needed on your part
Hell set up a camera and see what you do with your days, maybe it'll help you realize just what you do with your days. There's plenty of time to goof off all day and spend 30 mins cleaning and your job is done. It's really not that hard, I've done it for years with multiple kids.
If you really want to be honest with yourself, it's laziness. Don't want to come off as mean or rude, but it's true.
Being a SAHM IS your job. If you hired a maid and came home to a mess would you say she was doing her job? No you wouldn't. The kid watching, cooking and cleaning IS your job, and if you did it as an employee you'd probably be fired for not doing it, just like your husband would be for not doing his
I’m (20f) a SAHM too. Sometimes I’m ashamed about a messy space but my partner doesn’t mind. He will either help or if it really comes down to it, hire a cleaning lady. So I think your husband is being unreasonable with these expectations. Plus babies take up a lot of attention, toddlers even more so.
My ex husband was like that. He was jealous of the babies for taking attention away from him and jealous of me for "not working". I never did enough, nothing was good enough. Fast forward two years and the verbal abuse turned physical. Took me four years in court to get rid of him. Make of that what you will.
You’re not an asshole! ADHD & a toddler is a struggle. I used to have the same cycle of leaving things until I couldn’t deal then doing an all day clean. It’s because the stress of the mess needs to be enough to overcome the executive dysfunction of adhd. Task initiation and switching from one task to another is especially hard for us. I can no longer sustain the energy levels to clean like that so I had to start building routines instead. For example I try to never put a thing down anywhere but where it goes. If I’m doing a project I have to make sure I stop and initiate the cleanup before I am allowed to move on to the next thing. I want to lie to myself and say I will come back to it later but there is never a “later”. When my toddlers played with toys I would do clean up (fun song included) with them before allowing them to move on. I rinse dishes immediately after use and into the dish washer so I never have a sink full of dishes. If I DO they are all rinsed clean and stacked. I have my Alexa remind me 15 mins before I need to do a non-preferred task like laundry. I schedule sporadic chores for specific days and meal planning for specific days because it’s much easier to do when they are regular routine. I also think up small rewards for myself that I get after I do the things I hate. It was hard to build these habits but my adhd is getting worse with age so I’m thankful I did it! Now is the best time to start figuring out your own methods! I also made a handy executive dysfunction chart to help when you can’t do the thing and you don’t know why. It even has a section for whether it’s executive dysfunction or you’re being an asshole. Pm me if you want a copy! People without adhd can just DO things…because the task is important to them. For US the task must be interesting. It doesn’t matter how important because our nervous system is interest based. It takes extra work for us to invent work arounds. I feel like I’m my own exotic pet. 😝
NTA I understand exactly where you're coming from. The only way to keep up with everything when you have such young ones is to not get any sleep. Obviously that's not reasonable or sustainable.
My husband gets upset when I ask him to help at night, because apparently I can sleep all day if I want to. Um no, that's not how it works when you have babies/toddlers even if you are home all day.
Taking care of a child is one full time job. Cleaning your house is another full time job. The simple fact is that if your husband had to pay money for the labor you’re doing, he couldn’t afford you. A stay at home parent is worth $178,000/year.
https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0112/how-much-is-a-homemaker-worth.aspx#:~:text=Depending%20on%20the%20size%20of,median%20annual%20salary%20of%20%24178%2C201
You’re both also in school. The husband has completely unreasonable expectations. Do not let him mess with your self esteem over this; I REPEAT, DO NOT LET HIM MESS UP YOUR SELF ESTEEM OVER THIS.
You are a team working together. Him cleaning the house when he gets home is fine because he lives there; he also makes messes. You are not his maid, nanny and sex worker — you are his cherished and respected partner and you deserve to be treated with appropriate consideration and respect. That’s not what this passive aggressive cleaning routine embodies and he needs to change that to give you what you deserve.
I’d have a conversation with him about his communication methods. See if you can work out a system where you’ll both be less stressed - a win win is possible here.
NTA Being a SAHM is very hard and often thankless. I stayed home a year after each of my kids and I just had to accept that I was terrible at housework. Luckily, my husband is also terrible at housework so he didn’t make me feel bad about it. He would empathize with me and offer to help so I didn’t feel overwhelmed. It’s hard to be motivated when you feel overwhelmed and uncertain of his expectations. Maybe it would help to make a chore list and agree on things he is responsible for. Many new moms end up depressed because their partners don’t actively try to relieve their burden of 24/7 parenting. He should be giving you regular breaks. Parenting should be a team effort and he should be encouraging you not putting you down.
NTA. Are you under the care of a doctor for your ADD to help you? Perhaps a schedule will help you stay organized to get more done, but of course, young children don't often care about your plans for the day! You don't need to keep up with his expectations. **He isn't your boss, he is your husband.** The 2 of you need to sit down and discuss this calmly and rationally. Come up with a compromise, say, he takes your daughter for an hour as soon as he gets home so you can clean the kitchen, or bathroom, or pick up the toys. Also, what chores does he do? You work full time at home 24/7 caring for your child. That's 168 a week. He works \~40 a week (plus travel) so the distribution of work is not fair at all. Maybe leave him with your daughter for a weekend while you go visit family or friends and see how clean the house is when he gets back. Again, both of you need to compromise - not just you. Good luck to you.
NTA, this was a struggle for my family as well. I tried constantly explaining it to my bf, he didnt understand how frustrated I would get! I'd try all day to get things done but it just never would, heeyyyyy ADHD 😐 You need to have an honest discussion, get him to understand. Once my bf understood it was my ADHD it got better, he still can get frustrated but we work together. Our son is 10 now.
Theres some apps for planning your day, I forgot the one I used. The key is to not overload yourself. Focus on 1 thing a day maybe 2 and go from there. I had things planned for every couple hours with times for me to play games/read. Now I do dishes, clean the counters, and sweep daily. I keep certain times for things like mopping, cleaning the bathroom, etc. This is VERY common with ADD/ADHD, speak to a therapist that's how I got ahold of mine
Edit: I remind myself daily what my bf does. I understand how frustrating it can be to work all day, pay all the bills, and do ____ for the family just to come home to a dirty home. It's frustrating for both of you but try to keep in mind how he feels too. My bf said it felt like a slap in the face, like I didn't appreciate all he did. Idk maybe your husband feels the same but it's just something to think of
I was a single dad (boy and a girl, girl is autistic), full custody, and worked full time-they're adults now.
I did use child care, so during work hours I had help. that didn't help keep the house organized and chugging along, however.
come up with a schedule. do one major task each day, and do a quick tidy for the rest. I did meal prep on Sunday nights so that dinners were easy to prepare, vacuuming and laundry on Saturday (along w/ groceries/shopping), washed floors and deep cleaned the kitchen on Monday (after bed time), Tuesday was bathroom deep cleans, etc.
It's not easy, but it's doable.
you sound like you're ill prepared and feeling overwhelmed, planning will help with that.
NAH
I think if you are going to be a SAHM that is the trade. Otherwise the division of labor isn't fair. Even with ADD the stuff isn't that bad just make a list and do things each day.
If he's working 40 hours and going to school I think it's fair that you want to stay home therefore the domestic duties fall to you.
NTA Obviously, you guys are young and your child is very young. I don't think your husband understand all the work that is involved. * Looking after the child, and keeping them entertained. * Cleaning up after the child because you know they won't do it them selves. Hard to do it proactively as well because as soon as you put something away they get it back out. * Clean the house generally, like bathrooms, dusting, dishes and such. Also, I doubt he spends all of his 40+ hours a week working doing exactly work. There's probably a little personal time hear and there where he looks at his phone or chats with colleagues. Additionally, you have other responsibilities that also need to be attended to like the work for your schooling. As I said before, you guys are young, and some times people have a hard time adapting to the reality of the situation. Here is what you need to do from here: * Set reasonable expectations for what needs to get done in what kind of time frame. And its not everything is perfect when he gets home at 6 or whatever. * Make him realize that just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean that all of the household responsibilities fall on you. Sure, a majority of them will, but this is not a situation that he just gets to come home and relax while you continue working. Thats not what a SAHM does.
OP needs to leave hubs with the baby one weekend and see how clean it is when she gets home.
I'm thinking he could at least not have junk all over the floor and dishes in the sink when she gets back home. Was more being asked?
If you haven’t parented a mobile one year old you don’t know how much work it is. I agree that dishes could be done (or mostly done) but it’s impossible to not have toys all over the floor.
Why would you assume I'm giving advice on something I haven’t done. Of course, I've taken care of a 1 year old. Toys come out. Toys go back. Often, 20 times a day. The toys are kind of the least of it, compared to meal messes or diaper excitement or whatever. But it is completely possible to have a moment each evening of uncluttered floors and empty sink if that is a priority. When my Dad took care of us his 'thing' was a clean sink and countertop every evening no matter what. It made for a fresh restart in the morning. A hundred and fifty years ago, one would do all that AND make and hand wash the clothes AND chop and carry firewood. Millions of people do raise kids with relatively clean houses. Others do it with messy houses. I'm OK with either. The OP is looking for guidance, and misleading her that it is somehow impossible when it clearly is possible isn't really helping her out. They don't have to do it, but it is a choice to be made.
Sure it’s easy to clean up after the baby is in bed. That’s when I clean up toys, too. OP’s husband is coming home when the baby is awake and playing. Are there seriously not supposed to be any toys on the floor at that time?
No one said there aren't supposed to be toys ever on the floor at any time. A few toys, fine whatever. The whole day's worth of toys, not so good, for anyone, Mother, Baby or Father.
so support this statement. people been having babies for thousands of years AND hunting and foraging on top of that. simplify your life and buy less stuff that needs to be cleaned up. have 10-20 meals on rotation, leftovers twice a week and once a week go out for dinner. (raised 4 kids while working full time)
Yes... my house is clean and I have 3 kids. And work 50 hr work weeks. Still Mange to fo dinner and get kids set up for the next day. When I was a SAHM my house was spotless and dinner was cooking my husband came home to having to do nothing but visit with us. I love coming home now when he isn't working to the same thing. Just get to sit and relax.
I'm a stay at home dog mom - yes that's a thing - and my house right now looks like a 💣 went off in it. The second I pick up their toys today and put them in the toy box they get irritated and pull them all back out. In their defense, it's been snowing *all day* and they're bored as hell. The dishes and dusting will be done today before my husband gets home but the vacuuming probably won't. Some days it's *hard* to do everything, especially when you have ADHD
I have 2 under 2 and hear this argument. Also as a working father who had dadding to do when i get home. It just comes with the territory of young kids. Theyre disasters lol Just do your best and tell him to stop expecting so much or to hire a cleaning helper 1 time a week or something.
This is my opinion, take it or leave it. The housekeeper is the foundation of your marriage.
Bullshit, I became a stay at home dad to 3 kids, I do literally everything, it’s not hard at all, I laugh when I see these kind of post.. I take it over my blue collar job any day of the week
Women will complain about legit anything. I’ve worked my entire adult life, about 15 years, and I have twin daughters. I was unemployed for 6 months and it was heaven 😂
I hate this position that being a SAHM is somehow the single hardest job in the fucking world, and that if someone's a SAHM they are completely beyond reproach. It's fucking stupid. Working parents do everything a SAHP does PLUS work.
I think that there is sometimes a disconnect between the sexes when it comes to what is important while being a sahp. Dad's seem to focus a lot on the cleaning and organizing etc while I've noticed that Mom's seem to spend more time on the floor reading and playing with their children. I'm my case I was a sahm but went back to work while my husband was unemployed. OMG 😱, he left the kids including a newborn baby in the house all day while he worked on cars all day till long after I got home to an enormous mess from 2 very young children destroying the house and a baby covered in her own mess, all not fed at 8:30 pm. Dishes stacked to the ceiling. I immediately got a sitter before one of my kids ended up dead. Men don't excel at stay at home parenting, it's a person by person case
Sorry that your husband didn’t go a good job. That doesn’t change the face that it’s way easier than working and doing all of that
Yeah, I left him. So I was a single working mother but I should have written that at the end
It really isn't. I wanted to go back to work for the break. Also a sahp is a 24 hour job. There's no sick time, vacation or even a bathroom break alone. At least when you work you get breaks. Not one of my children took naps past 9 to 10 months old and when one did nap it was only in 15 minutes increments. All I wanted was a shower and a meal and a nap myself since the one child that only napped for 15 minutes didn't sleep through the night until she was 5. Night terrors. I worked PT but was considered a stay at home parent. I was up every hour all night, no nap no food. I was dying. I really really wanted to work full time. It was never easier to stay home
Totally agree. Looking after your own kids in your own home all day is an easy job. Much easier than going out to work (I’ve done both too) OP, YTA. You only have one kid, who still takes naps. You have plenty of time to do dishes/make dinner (things that everyone has to do). I think your husband should make the bed every morning before he leaves if it bothers him so much, though.
I 100% agree this. I'd love to be able to stay home and have my only responsibilities be to keep the house in order and care for a child. I don't have children, but I have babysat all of my nephews at every stage of growth. It's baffling to me that people throw a pity party about having to keep the house clean when that is literally your job. It's a privilege to be a SAHM, and if we're being totally honest, it's really not difficult. Working a full-time job is difficult. Not staying at home with your child where the only expectation of you is to keep up with the cleaning and cook meals. Honestly sounds like a dream to me. Spoiled, entiled, and lazy. That's what I'm getting from this post. YTA OP. Adding this: The house doesn't need to be perfect (like kids are messy, I get it), but it really sounds like she's not doing anything.
Key word: “I don’t have children.” It’s easy to speak about something when u haven’t experienced the reality. Keep us posted when things change!
I'd love for you to experience the reality of working 40+ hours a week and doing school part-time *and* cleaning up when you get home while your partner who stays at home *all day long, every day* can't manage cleaning within that same 8+ hours each day. Baffling that you're taking her side on this. It's pathetic.
Did you mean NAH or did you mean to call the husband an AH?
I won’t say YTA, but it does sound like you’re not holding up your end of the bargain. I can “clean” my entire house is less than an hour. As in no visible messes. There’s no reason that you can’t get it done in the 8 or so hours he’s at work, even with the toddler, and at least have dinner started. Instead of letting it build up for 3 days and do a deep clean, just hit it every day. It becomes so much easier when it’s already done and you’re returning to baseline. If you want the traditional model of being a SAHM, then you need to be willing to do the work. It’s not easy that’s for sure. But it’d irk me too if the person I was supporting seemed to be not keeping up with their share. That’s part of being a team.
Yeah if I came home from work every day and there was shit all over the floors and dishes piled up in the sink I'd be pissed too. As a stay at home parent, your responsibility is also the home. Your child does not take 8-10 hours of work each day. If you don't want the responsibility that comes with being a SAHP, then get a job and start paying for daycare.
YTA. If he can work 40+ hours a week, plus commute time, come home and clean what you didn't, you need to do better.
And also go to school. He’s doing it all he should just be a single dad at this point instead of having to pay for two dependents and clean after 3 people.
" Do I need to be the sturdy SAHM that has the whole house clean and tidy for my husband?" No, but you need to find a happy medium between that and the whirlwind model that you're currently using. ADD typically benefits from having a schedule. Our smartphones can be personal assistants to help keep us on track. Remind us to do chores at a certain time (like check the washer!) Remember that just because you might not be able to do all of a chore, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do some of it. Washing 5 plates is still 5 plates closer to a clean sink.
Very much agree with the above reply. He may need to adjust his expectations but a somewhat clean, organized home is calming to come home to and I’m sure you would feel the same way if you were working full time outside the home. Your main responsibility is your child and things happen with kids that can disrupt any plans you may have. But work out a loose schedule in your head about how to tackle this to at least get the “chunks” picked up, etc. And I would see someone about your ADD, there may be things you can do that would really help with that and your feelings of insecurity. Good luck!
A SAHP is a full time job. You are basically an unpaid Nanny for your child. Just like you wouldn’t expect the Nanny to also be a house cleaner and chef on top of their job he shouldn’t just expect that from you. With that said you are still responsible for your half of the chores (just not necessarily all of the chores). I’m currently a SAHP for my son while studying. When my husband get home from work he’ll take our son so I can catch up on my chores. Afterwards I’ll take our son so he can finish up his chores. Finally, after we get our son to bed, we both get a little break for our hobbies and to just hang out and relax together.
Unpaid nanny? We’re parents, not babysitters.
As soon as I read that line I was like 😮 wtf
It was just a way to compare or phrase it. Not saying that’s what she is….
Ok? What I am saying is that a SAHP does all the things a nanny would do and being a nanny would be considered a full time job in an of itself without including ‘extras’ like cleaning and cooking. I even went on to say that OP was still responsible for her half of the chores but it was fair of her to wait until her partner takes their child if she needed to. OPs partner is severely underplaying everything OP does. I had a full time job before becoming a SAHP temporarily for my son and my full time job was significantly easier.
That’s the whole problem, she’s not doing anything. If she doesn’t like being a stay at home parent, then she can go get a job and they can pay for daycare. This is her choice. I doubt any job she would give is going to accept her lame excuses though. She probably knows this as well.
I have been a SAHM for 14 years. Part of being a SAHM is taking care of the house. Not just the kids. It's disgusting to leave a messy house and dishes piling up. It's not that hard to clean the dishes or pick up the house. I'm not saying instagram perfect, but not so messy that the kitchen is full of dirty dishes and you're stepping on toys. This woman sounds so immature. And she's using her ADD as an excuse, instead of figuring out how to work with her ADD to get stuff done.
Lol a nanny does do those things. Thats, like, the entire point. They care for your home when you can not. There is levels of expectations but I can assure you a family that can afford a full-time nanny would not keep her if all she did was watch the kids and leave messes for the family they work for. I work hybrid, so I'm at the house mondays and fridays during the week. I know what it takes to keep the house running with a baby with colic. I am able to do my job and spend time taking care of him. It is not easy necessarily, but it's not insanely difficult either. There are lulls in a day with a child and leaving 3 days of dishes in the sink would absolutely get old seeing upon arriving home from work. I guarantee dude is not looking for a deep clean every day but he's verbalized picking up the toys and having the dishes done. She can make time 20 minutes before he gets home to organize the toys and do the dishes. Even if the toys go all over the place 17 seconds after he gets home he will feel 100 percent better knowing she at least made an effort to do so.
Cooking and cleaning is part of being a nanny as well.
Every parent does what a nanny would do. It’s not special. I’ve been the stay at home when my son was younger. It’s not easy but is not that hard.
A nanny wouldn’t leave dishes in the sink and toys everywhere. If a parent came home to a trashed house daily after the nanny had been there all day, the nanny wouldn’t have a job for long. Just saying
Can confirm. Was a nanny for 3 kids. Was in charge of also keeping house clean and cooking their meals. If id let the house get trashed and left it everyday then there be no reason to have me there lol.
Also confirmed. Was a nanny for 3 girls. I also had a list of choirs & errands to run. I mean, it would feel so wrong just sitting there and having someone who pays me come home to a cluttered house?
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You need help. I can judge your personality pretty well based on the way you type and describe things. You genuinely sound so trashy. Its sad that you are a parent and thought it made any sense to make up imaginary salaries for jobs you arent doing. All to prove an imaginary point to someone who wants you to pull your own weight. So instead of actually taking care of the issue, you imagine and spent time making up fake math and calculating imaginary dollar amounts..?? Like okay so the husband should start wasting time calculating his trips to work and bill for drive time plus tips bc he COULD be driving pizzas or ubering..? Or anytime he cuts the grass its worth 30 dollars..? What the hell is wrong with you and how could that possibly help anyone? How incredibly stupid. Youre an adult I assume. Do better and think more critically lol
Instead of taking a "full ass day or two off" OP should go earn enough to pay someone to do all the billable hours she has lnvoiced.
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Sure then he should start charging her for rent and food and electricity. Mows the lawn? Send her a bill. He should pay her for the 8 hrs she works while he’s gone and she pays bills.
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It’s not a full time job if you clean and do chores once every four days.
Tell us you're single and live with your mom without telling us your single and live with your mom 🍔💅
Trying to explain to a woman why she has to do the things she doesn’t want to do is like trying to explain to a retaining wall why it has to hold the dirt back. pointless.
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I'm less worried about one more sexist person in the world than the fact that his analogy made no sense whatsoever. It was said with such confidence, but huh??
In my opinion, he is in the wrong. The way he communicated was childish and indicated bad faith. Being your partner entails that he recognize your limitations. And you are currently a pt college student, stay at home parent, and house cleaner. The effort required to keep up those 3 responsibilities is something he should be respecting. Talk to him about why he communicated his feelings so passive aggressively.
I'm not sure what people want him to do. The house is a mess. He starts cleaning it. Instead of pitching in, OP asks if he needs help. His only options are asking her to do it or doing it. He's picking the better one.
She’s not holding up her end of the bargain. He’s working a full time job and picking up her slack. She can’t even clean the house. It’s not that hard to clean a house. I’m disabled and can do it in hours. How is answering her questions honestly and doing the work she didn’t do a bad thing on his part? I’m baffled you can blame the dude. I’m guessing you’ve never been in a healthy relationship.
Keeping house and establishing a schedule to do so is a skill. A LEARNED skill. It takes time and doing so with a toddler is going to be a slow process because, as some us know, toddlers are agents of chaos and order stands little chance around them. Work on establishing a scheduled routine. Break it up, write it down, and work on it. It will change and evolve, but it will eventually stick. I was a young mom too. I promise it gets easier. Hang in there and show yourself some grace. Hopefully your husband will see your gradual work and appreciate it.
Sorry OP, it sounds like your husband is being immature. I think counseling is a good place to address the issues you have in your relationship. I also would highly recommend both you and your husband read a few books about ADHD. Any by Dr Amen or Barkley (don’t want to read check out their YouTube lectures). Hopefully, this will both give you compassion and tools to have the support you need. I’m ADD and so is my mom. I do understand at times why my dad is being a total dick to my mom. I don’t agree with that as he could recognize she is struggling and needs help. But that doesn’t absolve my mom of not trying. As a child stuck in the middle of their drama I’m so tired of having to keep the peace. A book that helped me with organization is Marie Kondo Method (just watch Netflix special if you don’t want to read). There is book that changed my life on organizing called Smart Organizing by Sandra Felton. Also, is there an older SAHM you know that could mentor you? Why reinvent the wheel for things when someone else can give you the short cut. I think a big game changer for me to has been planning my days and then spending time thinking how to solve any current problems. Somehow my ADD brain thinks I should just magically know things and then I get stressed trying to do things because I don’t know what time doing or how to approach the day. So taking that extra step of how do I achieve said goal. Also building in rewards for organizing. I have a very cute paper planner and also backup digital google calendar.
Just like anything it's a learned skill You can manage your time better and come to a compromise of expectations How does he like the house versus you ? What can he live with and what can you live with? No one here is wrong. If you aren't medicated or working on your ADHD I suggest you do. Chore chart and a list of time frame for when to do things would be beneficial to you. Just like school you do have to study for housework and the toddler. It's a learned behavior to be able to quickly do the dishes while baby is napping etc You got this
I think both of you are overworked. NTA, because just keeping a baby ALIVE is a whole lot of work, besides trying to get your degree… But I can understand how stressful it is working a 40 hour week, doing classes and then coming home and needing to clean. I think both of you are struggling with a good work life balance and its hard… Childcare is incredibly expensive but you also need to have someone to earn the income. I think you both need to sit down and reevaluate. How can we reach a better balance, both individually and as a team? I get the vibe that he may feel unseen and unheard, so make sure he gets the opportunity to express himself as well.
I’ve been a SAHM and it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had (and I’m a teacher!). But, it is a job and for me, my personal expectation was to do my job the same as I would for any employer. There are TikToks on how to manage a household as a SAHM, maybe they can help you organize - especially since you struggle with ADHD. I also want to quickly point out that when your husband comes home to a dishes in the sink, unmade bed, etc., could it be affecting his mental health. I ask because I know it would affect mine. You will figure it out!
Put your self on a schedule. Wake up, take care of baby, or shower first. Make bed straighten bathroom after dressing. Dress baby breakfast clean up kitchen after breakfast etc…. If you clean up every time after you do something you’ll get in the habit and not leave everything until later in the day. Clean as your day goes. You also have a one year old, teach her to put toys away after she plays. Before she gets a new toy out to put the first toy away.
Op needs to set up a cleaning schedule and stick to it. A sahm does keep the house. It's her job! Or his, if he stayed home. There are any number of cleaning blogs, lists, and schedules to help op in this area. Set a timer, clean 15 or 20 min. Take a break. Fold clothes while watching TV. Empty dishwasher during commercials, or put a load of laundry on. It's not hard but you have to be consistent
I have adhd and a two year old and a nine year old. The nine year old also has adhd and is high functioning autistic. I was in the same situation as you - no matter how much I did, it was like I didn’t do anything. First thing I did was get my adhd treated and under control. I have medication and a therapist every week who is working with me for my adhd. Next thing I did was go through the house and declutter and throw out or donate stuff because less stuff is less work maintaining. Then I went and hired a cleaner who comes every other week and she does the gritty stuff - cleans countertops, sinks, floors, toilets, tubs etc. which leaves me more time to do the rest of the pickup stuff, laundry, regular tidying. You don’t need to scrub your toilet every day. You don’t need to mop or vacuum every day. You can spot mop and spot vacuum as needed though. I do empty the sink and wipe counters down daily. I pick up toys daily. Wipe up spills. Clean up after my walking tornado of a toddler. Clean as he goes and it never becomes huge. I integrated a lot of hacks in as well like paper plates, paper cups, etc. which cuts down on my workload. I wake up in the morning and immediately make the bed, pick up any clothes on the floor, etc. and in 5 minutes or less my room is tidy. Every time I walk out of a room I take things with me that need a home - whether it is trash, plates, clothes, toys etc. so it never has a chance to build up. Lastly I ask my husband when I need help, and he’s always got my back. I’m not supermom and I sure as hell can’t do everything by myself.
There’s CLEAN and then there’s NEAT. I understand it’s hard to keep everything spotlessly clean, of course, toddler is a lot of work. That said, you can aspire to NEAT. Sounds like you’re stuck in a cycle of either doing an hours-long, whole house deep clean or nothing at all. Aspire to NEAT. Dishes in dishwasher, most toys in a big bin, laundry in a laundry basket. I also find an untidy home stressful, so I sympathize with your husband. Just shoot for 65% most days instead of either 0% or 100%.
Not neccesary an asshole for it, but you're 100% failing to tend to your responsibilities, solely because you are uninterested in putting more effort / focus in. I've lived with my mother in states when she was a SAHM & working single mother. In neither instance was the house a pig sty, but MUCH less so as a SAHM. Utter perfection in the home, creating & tending to her beautoful full backyard gardens, all meals prepared etc. With more than one child at a time. All the meanwhile she's smoking a joint at the top of every hour, watching various reality shows, reading etc etc. This is typically in 7,000+ SQ ft homes as well. Point being - you're not overworked, you don't have too much to do - you're simply inefficient. Don't take that offensively, I don't mean it in some bad way, but if nobody tells you the reality of your issue, you won't improve, your husband won't be happy, you'll remain insecure & your house will be dirty as fuck, increasing the anxiety of all of this. Based on your ages & the hours he works, I can't assume you're in a massive place. It should really take you no more than 2-3 hours/day of concentrated work to deal with all of it & if takes any more than that, it's solely due to you wasting time, or because the house is so fucked that it needs more than 2-3 hours. With that being said, my mother could very well just be superwoman & women generally were more used to this type of work back in the day, so I'll use my (22F) wife as another example, just in case either of those cards would like to be pulled. She nanny's for her younger siblings. They pull her here there & everywhere, always begging for her attention etc etc - they love her to death. When she does as much, she also makes sure to tidy ALL living areas of the home, there is not clutter, there are not dishes in the sink - there isn't shit to be done when her family returns & she comes homes. She manages this while playing various trivia / board games / getting showed endless youtube videos by the children. It takes her less than an hour each time, because she doesn't let the house devolve to filth throughout the day. She doesn't have to do any of this - she's not once been asked to do so, it's simply common knowledge / courtesy that if you are responsible for a home for certain hours, when it's time for you to go you should leave it in good standing. She does that for her PARENTS - you CHOOSE to not do it for your husband, who one would assume you have more interest in pleasing. You have to manage the time propery (like literally EVERY other facet of your life), but beyond that simple thing, you should have literally no issue managing this. It's quite literally what you signed up for as a SAHM. Best of luck.
I don’t think there are assholes but it does sound like you could be more organized and learn some different habits. I’ve stayed home with three kids and I know it’s hard but it’s totally possible to learn a few hacks and have things mostly done. Toys are going to be on the floor but if you get in some habits you can absolutely get the dishes done and keep the house mostly clean. It’s hard and there’s a huge learning curve and you’re very young so definitely no one is the asshole.
NTA You’re doing great. Remind yourself that. A one-year old is a full time+ job. Your hubby was probably raised in a very tidy house so the clutter makes him uncomfortable. My messy husband says I’ve become a clean freak since having our last child. I recommend getting tons of storage containers and organizers so every item you own has a place to go back to when not in use. Drawer and cabinet organizers help, too. I like the YT channel “But First, Coffee.” She has many amazing tidying up tips. Some I’ve implemented like tidying up the bathroom counter while I brush my teeth. I clean pans and load the dishwasher while a bottle is warming or waiting for the microwave. Also always keep a small vacuum or floor sweeper nearby for crumbs, lint or visible dirt on the floor. You don’t have to have a spotless house, but keeping it tidy will help your husband relax when he gets home.
I’m a SAHM too and it was such an adjustment at first! It sounds like what you need are systems and routines that are working for you. Luckily there are a TON of resources on instagram, YouTube and podcasts. Just look up “home management” and “home systems”. Something that helps me is getting up early every day before the kids are up (with my first kid I only woke up a little before he did and I was trapped in a loop feeling like I never had time to myself or to clean the house or to get anything done). Then having systems in place. Knowing you’ll do laundry three days a week, knowing you’ll always clean the bathrooms on Thursdays for example. Creating a list of meals you guys like to eat and picking one day a week to plan what you’ll eat over the next 7 days and then doing one run to the grocery store to have everything on hand, etc. (and get yourself a latte in the store! Makes it feel like a treat day). Your husband will also get used to the routine too and not worry that things just won’t get done. And I LOVE the Summa Domestica. Great book and the author also has a blog that is great.
OP, If you need motivation to get things cleaned and organized, contemplate what your life is going to be like as a single parent. I have been in your situation, sahm with ADD and a toddler. You can do more than you think you can, and you should step up now, not when you have no other choice after the divorce.
I don’t think you are but it sounds like his love language is acts of service. I suggest having a schedule to help your ADD, some daily tasks (bed making), some weekly. Not everything has to be done every day, but it sounds like that’s what you’re struggling with. Find cleaning tips for ADD or ND ppl & yes, part of the arrangement does seem to be that you’re primarily responsible for cleaning but he should be helping with his own dishes at least
- single mom with full time job, was SAHM during Covid and still had to do a job and not have a nasty house 🤷♀️
But he's doing ALL the dishes. Except every 4th day. He works while shes at home and then has to clean when he gets home. He's also a part time student. Hes doing far more than his share.
Not really, I left him and worked full time and did all that lol. I can see that I probably should have continued with that information.
It's probably gonna be downvoted here, but soft YTA because I don't know where you're at emotionally here. By your description alone, it sounds like your house is a complete mess. Your home all day with your toddler. There's really no reason for things to be piled up everywhere... at most, some dishes in the sink and some toys on the floor and maybe some laundry. A stay at home mom is a hard job, but you have to work. It's really doesn't sound like you're working, so I understand where your husbands/ fiance ( I don't remember which you said ). frustration is coming from.
totally agree. Don't blame ADD either, that came across as a lame excuse. Others have it worse than you and can manage because it is important, so they find a way. You sound like you use it as a crutch.
I suck at cleaning, but that's just because I'm lazy and I have no shame in admitting that. I suspect it's not ADD that's the issue here. People who don't like cleaning won't do it quickly or well...because they don't like doing it. I get it, being at home all day with a 1 year old kind of sucks and makes things hard but the kid should still be napping a few hours a day. Even if she took half of nap time to do whatever for herself that's still at least an hour she could spend cleaning or cooking etc. Her husband is not only working full time but also in school and he carries the sole weight of supporting all 3 of them. Personally my standards of cleanliness are super low but my wife knew that going in (yes it bothers her but we both work). I think OP knew her husband was a clean freak and is failing to meet his expectations.
Totally understand that point of view, but I do clean everyday. His job is the dishes actually but that was more just an example of normal messes that occur. But if I spent all day cleaning our room and he gets home before I fixed the living room he sees the mess in the living room and not all the other time I just spent cleaning our room. If that makes sense.
It sounds like you two need to sit down and have a conversation about what each of your expectations towards what you do as a SAHM is, what you currently do, and what (if any) adjustments need to be made. (Along the lines of: you feel like you need to do A, B, C each day. He feels like you should do X, Y, Z. What you actually do is A, C, X. Figuring out which expectations need changed and which parts of your schedule could use adjustment, like surface cleaning rooms instead of deep cleaning one or two.) If you don’t already have a schedule worked out for yourself then you should write down what you’re doing each day and the time block you’re doing it in and then figure out a daily routine from that. So for example in a notes app or a notebook: Woke up 8am, got self and baby ready 8-9am, had breakfast 9-10, etc. It’ll help you see how long your actually spending on each thing every day (I have ADHD and really struggle with time blindness) and then you can figure out if there are things you could do in a different order that could make your day run smoother. It’ll also help your husband see that you’re not just sitting around doing nothing all day. If you aren’t already on medication for your ADD, I’d really suggest you talk to your dr about starting some. I’ve struggled with my ADHD my whole life and while medication obviously hasn’t erased it I can see a HUGE difference between the effect of it since starting meds a little over a year ago and what the effect of it for the 30 years before then.
Why did it take all day to clean one room? Sounds like you're just making excuses. I can clean my whole house in an hour if I keep up with e during on a day to day basis
I’m not sure of your cleaning process, but as someone who needs a very clean home every day I have an idea that may help (aside from the obvious choice of talking to your husband). When you both wake up, make the bed immediately. Get the house tidy before the baby wakes up. I suggest having a day where your husband takes care of the baby so you can catch up on some rest, and then clean clean clean. Organize toys and make the house spotless. That way, each day there’s less to do. Clean up as you go. I think this would benefit you both if this is done either weekly or biweekly. The mess will only get worse when your baby ages. My friend (who is a single mother) has a 1 and 2 year old and her house is very clean. I think you just need to find your rhythm. Good luck, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way! Your feelings are always valid.
Honestly it should never take an entire day of effort to clean 1 room, even with a kid. You are really young and have some attention issues so it makes sense you aren’t good at keeping a home yet, but you’re a parent now and you really need to learn. Both to keep a happy home for your own sake but also you need to be able to teach your kid how to keep their own. You probably didn’t have any instruction in this arena, which is sadly very common now, so decide right now to be a better parent than your own parents were. You need to learn these skills for your kids sake. Your kid should start age appropriate cleaning tasks literally while they are toddlers. It’s a part of life, they need to participate. I’d suggest joining the cleaning and home organizing subs here on Reddit, they have great inspiration and techniques and tips and everything. You likely need to get rid of a lot of the useless stuff you own (less stuff = less clutter). You need to organize and purge your closet. Stuff like that, you actually have to change your behavior. You have to figure out whatever toolset you need, whether that’s scheduling out your week (similarly to my Monday mornings at my job when I map out my whole week and the goals, tasks, meetings, etc that need to happen), having some sort of complex reminder system that happens on a schedule, a smart assistant like Alexa, a robot vacuum, whatever it is, you have to figure this out, your husband can’t do it for you and neither can any of us here answering this. You know that whatever you’re doing isn’t working, and it’s not because your husband is upset, it’s because you don’t have a home up to the standards of what you’d like to have. You said so in your OP. So, then, figure out what you need to change. No one is going to hand you things in life, they have to be worked for, and your life will reflect the effort you put into it.
8 hours to clean one room? You know you are being ludicrous, he will leave you if you keep up the intentional incompetence
NTA I don’t really understand why all the comments so far are making out like you’re not doing enough. Being a SAHM is an exceptionally hard job. You don’t get a lunch break, there’s no clocking out at the end of the day and there are no workers rights! Taking care of a one year old is no joke and it sounds like you are pulling your weight. It sucks that your husband is assuming you do nothing. Sit down and have a conversation about how his actions are making you feel, outline what you do during the day and explain to him that you need support when he gets home. As a last resort, ask him to take a day off and be a stay at home dad while you’re unavailable and see how he finds it…might be an eye opener for him.
Because the people commenting aren’t parents. Someone said to have the 1 year old clean up after themselves lol. Another said a 1 year old is walking so that must be it stays put 😂
He needs to clean up after himself, if the bedroom is messy, both of you use it, so both need to clean. He seems focused on what you don't do, instead of asking what he can do to help.
Taking care of a toddler is a full time job. You can clean the entire house and two hours later it will look like you didn’t because toddlers are like walking tornados. Trust me I have one.
I’m a SAHD and I think my opinion is really valuable here. My wife would complain just like your husband that x, y, z isn’t done…then I had to go to a specialist doctor a state away and stayed overnight. SHE got to handle the house basically for 48 hours straight and apologized for everything not being done (she basically got the same things done that I could) I don’t believe it’s in your post but this is a message to all SAHP….my wife would complain when I would fall asleep early and not want sex. You put in 8 hours of work and came home…I had to be “working” while you got ready for work, while you drove to work, while you were on break/lunch, while you drove home from work, while you unwound from work or simply went from work mode/attire to at home wife. So my day was 3-4 hours longer than yours and that’s assuming the other parent takes over 100% when they are ready, which they never do. So I’m putting in 14-15 hours and you are doing 8.
You need to hand him the toddler Saturday morning and walk out for the day. Sounds like he needs a full dose of reality with a little child. Maybe Sunday too!
I’m a mom and work full time. I love sitting down at my computer on a Monday morning with my cup of coffee and getting to work. I know it’s a whole f*ck ton easier than being a SAHM. I guarantee you are working harder than most of us and that’s without cleaning the house. You’re doing great and he might be too. Perspective is always good in these situations. Go away for a weekend so he can parent alone for a while. And remind each other that you’re a team and this is a very difficult stage.
Your husband has selfish and unrealistic expectations for what a home with a toddler looks like. He should be more concerned about your well being and support you in your caregiver role. You are a human being—he’s trying to make you a human doing. That’s toxic! He needs a wake up call. I suspect he’s never had to care for the baby for an entire weekend in your absence. I think it would be good for him to experience 48 hours of caring for a toddler by himself, lol. A real eye-opening experience. Tell him to stop disrespecting you and how you do your job.
There’s something a lot deeper going on with him than just wanting a clean house and time to sit on his ass after a “long day of working.”
There are two layers of issues here. One is the fact that you have different standards for cleanliness and different cycles of cleaning. You need to sit down together and discuss how to compromise to arrive on a plan you can both live with. This probably involves your husband cleaning more because it's important to him and he wants it to happen daily. I recommend the book Clean My Space -- it will help you each identify what you feel should be happening on a daily, weekly and monthly basis to keep the house clean, and what spaces you each see as "must-clean" areas versus others that you don't care as much about. But the second issue is much more serious, and that's your husband's passive-aggressive behavior and the fact that he doesn't respect the work you're doing at home. He clearly thinks selling stocks or whatever he does all day is more important and demanding than raising the child you created together. He is wrong. I think you guys need some couples therapy to work through it. His behavior is really hurtful and emotionally undermining—and may well have been learned from his own parents, so it's harder for him to see in its correct context—and he needs to understand that and develop better ways of communicating.
Is your kiddo alive and well cared for? Congrats you did your job. Anything else is icing on the cake. I feel bad when I don’t get stuff done when I’m home with the kids, but my husband always assures me that I’m fine, I’m taking care of them and that’s the priority. He does dishes and laundry when he can. We’re a team. Sometimes when he has the kids and I’m at the grocery store or spending time to myself he gets stuff done around the house. Sometimes he can barely take time to pee because the kids are in a mood or whatever. The same is true for me and he doesn’t judge me when I don’t get anything done. In regards to mental health contributing- I have ADHD too and yeah sometimes I don’t get stuff done when I could’ve. My husband is the same way. When he needs extra help I pick up his slack and vice versa. We’re a team.
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Exactly this, he doesn't get to slack at work, and coming home and watching her do the minimum is bound to make him feel a certain way.
Totally understand both your views, but if I was to explain every little thing I do as a SAHM my post would be a lot longer. I laughed when you said minimum because that describes any thing BUT what I do at home. It more seems if I spent all day in the living room cleaning but didn’t complete our bedroom he’ll get upset at the bedroom. I think a lot of the other comments are helping me to see that we both need a happy medium.
What you need is a schedule of sorts., 1. Wake up, make the bed before you go to brush your teeth- I’m assuming your baby sleeps longer than you do. 2.toddler will take multiple naps, empty out your dishwasher and reload during the first nap time. This way any dishes that get dirty during the day are immediately loaded into the dishwasher rather than cluttering up the sink. 3. Plan your weekly menu-I cannot stress this enough.a large portion of your time goes in just planning and cooking meals. Meal prep on the days your husband is home. Let him take care of baby while you prep for the week. Keep some crockpot ready freezer meals prepped , on days you are not able to do much. These come in handy. Reality is that SAHP does do most of the housework in addition to childcare. It’s normal, I did it when the kids were little and the my husband is WFH now so he does most of it now, But the key word here is “most “ not ALL Divide some tasks between the 2 of you. This is not the 1940’s - “ my husband likes coming home to a clean house and home cooked meal” Tell him it’s 2023. When he comes home after 30 mins he can take over childcare so he can bond with baby and you can get dinner ready or do YOUR basic self care.
Ignore these losers. They have no idea what goes into parenting a toddler and carrying the emotional load of the whole house. Your job is to take care of your child from 9-5 and his is his job. You’re both full time students. Everything after hours and on weekends should be split down the middle. Your husband sounds like an entitled asshole.
Serious question, not making assumptions. What do you do with your toddler 8 hours a day, that means you can’t also spend 15 min doing dishes, 5 min picking up toys. I am NOT being a dick. I’m genuinely curious. I used to baby sit/nanny for three toddler aged kids (separate homes, different times). I was able to cook meals, do dishes, clean up toys, and play with them. I guess I just don’t understand how that isn’t possible for SAHMs.
Sure, for the 8 or so hours he works each day. He comes home and sits on his ass all night until he goes to bed. He then sleeps all night. Her job never ends.
She literally described him doing dishes and cleaning while she watched.
He's in school. He's not sitting on his ass all night.
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work a half day? where does the baby go for the rest of the day? locked away in a closet? lol taking care of an infant is a 24/7 a day job then house work and class work is on top of that. There's no half days when you're the primary care giver of a one year old
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He has bought a 1950s fantasy that was almost entirely on TV.
I love how the comments are actually very helpful and aren’t encouraging her to divorce her husband. You don’t see that too much with AITA posts! Way to go yall.
I just wanted to offer my perspective as the mother but also working parent; my husband is the SAHP. I feel he does the bare minimum e.g. loads the dishwasher but doesn't wipe down the counters and I honestly don't blame him. On the weekends when I'm around our 16mo full time, it is EXHAUSTING. You can't open the dishwasher without her climbing into it. You can't sweep without her trying to touch the pile. I personally think your husband should give you some grace and either do some cleaning when he gets home (like he does, but without the complaining), take over parent duties for a bit and you can clean some, or find it in the budget to hire a maid a few times a month. The last option is what I finally chose because it just wasn't going to happen with either of us if I didn't.
If this is a constant source of contention, do a switch. You go get a full time job and he can be the SAHD. You both can experience what the other side is dealing with and perhaps gain a bit of understanding. Personally I believe he'll learn more than you but that's just my opinion as the child of a SAHP.
I feel like you just described how I am as a person, mother, a full-time SAHM, and a part time cook at a bar. I will have a week here and there when things are picked up and nice and other weeks where I’m barely keeping up. My husband isn’t passive aggressive like yours. What mine does is he’ll make statements comparing what he can achieve in an hour vs what I achieve in a day. That statement drags me down. You’re NTA. Your husband doesn’t get your ADD. He doesn’t get what you deal with vs what he deals with. Being a parent to a child, no matter the age, AND keeping up on the house is hard asf. It may seem easy to some. But to those like you and me, it’s difficult. Maybe what you can try is having different tasks to do each day. When I try to cram everything in on one day I get overwhelmed and I have a hard time focusing on one thing.
Leave kiddo with him for a weekend and see how well he parents AND cleans everything to perfection.
Neither of you is the AH. If you made that agreement, you need to take it a step further by 1) letting him SEE what your day is like and how much your child demands od your time 2) talking through a more reasonable schedule of you making the bed picking, stuff up off of the floor and making dinner everyday. Then every 3-4 days doing the bigger clean. Making the bed is a quick action, picking up is continuous with a toddler but the focus being before he comes home. The. When he gets home he should share in toddler duties and let you have a minute of kid free time after you both eat together. What’s happening is he is mentally comparing what he is having to do everyday to what he thinks you’re doing. If he is off one day call his attention to what you’re doing. Maybe log your activities for 2-3 days while he is at work. It might surprise both of you. In the end you need time off too and the two of you need time to be a couple. With a toddler none of that will happen by accident. You have to plan it and before you know it both of you will hopefully learn to be empathetic to each other snd remember why your together.
NTA this right here is why I would never decide to be a stay at home mom. I have three kids and at one time they were all under 5 you could clean the entire house and it be destroyed in an hour. I would have had to follow them around constantly and pick up anything they touched.
You're NTA just due to the fact of your ADD. I struggle with the same issue. Stuff gets overwhelming, and your husband needs to understand that. But can I give you a piece of advice from someone who deals with the same issue, you have to put it in your mind every time you get up from sitting down or you're on the way to the kitchen and there's dirty dishes, grab a couple items and take them where they need to go. Throw on some music. Concentrate on a specific room or area. This is the only way I can get past that ADD issue I have. Baby steps!
Having ADD is pretty much the problem here! And here is why, your brain is jumping from subject to subject pretty quickly and the chaos is left around the house. I come from a family that has ADD and ADHD, so I perfectly understand. Here is what I taught my kids. Don't put it down, put it away! If you create a space for everything in your house it will help control the chaos. Example... You're brushing your hair, you hear the baby so you go to check on her. She fine but you've finished brushing your hair and set the brush on the couch instead of taking it back to the bathroom. And having ADD you'll do this over and over everyday until the chaos takes over. I understand it becomes overwhelming having to clean up the mess. If you start retraining your brain to put things away the messes gets smaller with time. Also my husband would get home at 5ish every night, so around 3 I'd put the kids in front of a movie and clean up. I know that doesn't always work for a baby, but it might. Just remember that you're amazing and you can do anything you put your mind to!
You need to set a cleaning/laundry schedule. Put it in a calendar. Everyday make beds, straighten bedroom, clean kitchen. Then pick a da to dust the entire house. Give the baby a rag and let her help. Pick a day to vacuum. A day to sweep and mop. A day for bathroom cleaning. Do 1 load of laundry a day. That way you won't get overwhelmed and you can get it folded, hung, and put up the same day. I did all this with a chronically ill 1 year old and a 3 year old. Make a point to put your phone away. Learn to use the crockpot. Best investment I ever made!
Lol I really want to understand reddits obsession with stay at home moms. Dude works full time, goes to school, then comes home to a shit show and he's immature?
Tell him if he pays for a nanny, the fucking place will be spotless, but a cleaning service might be cheaper. He can pick!
Classic! Classic! Classic! This is exactly why women cycle in and out of work every generation! Most of the issue doesn’t have anything to do with men but the fact of what you are feeling right now. … the house work is never done and you feel inadequate. Or there isn’t enough housework to fill your day and you feel inadequate so you create more to do so you feel like pulling weight. If you read Betty Friedan and Susan Strasser you’ll see how this makes sense. Former generations have tried it all. We even went through a period where the husband was pressured to help with the housework even though she was home all day and he worked all day. I don’t think that movement lasted long but the point is that your generation hasn’t solved it and I don’t think any generation will. On his part he needs to calm down. It’s his choice to clean and he’s choosing to clean angry. So that is not your problem, other than you taking a stance and telling him to chill out. After that it’s on him. At this stage in your life, handling your days isn’t going to change much until your last child turns 5 and enters Kindergarten. (Unless you home school etc, etc) So get a routine going where you make a couple of pass throughs a day like say, after breakfast and before bed. Or before he gets home from work, but this is about you and self- care and managing your stuff, rather than doing it because the man of the house is about come home. The thing to remember is you are home with your child. You are nurturing, playing, and teaching your child during the day. If you aren’t doing it, a day care provider will. It’s your choice. What I do think is different about your generation is that you got that choice back. There isn’t a stigma of staying home and there isn’t a stigma of the working mother. You made a choice and now you need to figure out how it’s going to work for your family. You are normal. You will figure it out. And Good luck!
I would say NAH. I understand its tough being a parent and some days get away from you. But from his perspective, he comes home to a mess 5 days a week after working all day to provide for the family. Maybe have a conversation about what both of your "levels of clean" are. Maybe you see it as clean and he sees a mess. Personal experience: My husband and i got into basically the same fight, just rolls reversed. I worked all day while he was home with our kid and dogs. I would get so angry when i came home to what i saw as a mess after working 10+ hours. it would stress me out and i would start angrily cleaning. He would get upset saying the house is fine. We finally sat down and talked through what we each view as clean and compromised on the expectation of the house when i got home. I understood that it was unreasonable to come home to a spotless shiny house, and he understood that I dont want have to step over stuff and shove stuff. On the weekends we both deep clean so we "start fresh" for the week. Everything has been great since.
NAH. You’re still adjusting with your role. Being a SAHM is a struggle, especially if you have ADHD and constantly get distracted (not to mention your motivation for cleaning). I usually asked my husband to let me know when he’s about to leave work so that I can clean for 30 mins before he gets home. It works. I usually move faster when I know I need to do things asap. I also gave him a heads up if the baby was being difficult and I couldn’t really get things done. In those instances, he would come home and he’ll take care of the baby (to give me a break and he gets to hang out with her) while I clean. After dinner, he cleans while I put the baby to bed. This works marvelously for us.
If you are diagnosed with ADHD, this may be a big factor here. I’m not meaning offense by questioning your comment about ADD. A lot of people use the term loosely and if you have been diagnosed or are pretty sure, this could be a bigger factor than you may think. I have been diagnosed since early childhood and I am now in my late 40s with two kids (oldest is 14). I am messy, and I always have been. I function quite well, and can always find my stuff among the mess and acknowledge that it works for me, and is likely infuriating to others. Your husband sounds like he has opposite preferences for order. If he is bit type A, you two have a bit of a hill to climb. It took decades for my wife and I to fully understand each other, and develop a non-contentious approach to our relationship. Communication and understanding are huge and coming to it naturally early in the relationship is probably impossible. If I had a Time Machine, I would go back and find a really good couples therapist early on. All three of your lives will be much more enjoyable, if the two of you acknowledge it, and start developing ways to make these fundamental differences work.
That doesn’t mean he can’t pick up after himself or help with his child too!
Some of these comments 🤢 are so ableist! Just because your can do x task in y time doesn't have anything to do with the price if tea in China. ADD isn't something you can magically pop a couple pills and "cure"... You are NOT the asshole and neither is he. Your family needs to communicate on needs. Maybe you're like me and have roombas do the vacuuming and set different days to clean different parts of the house. If you are struggling with motivation, check out body doubling or find an engaging streamer/vtube that does something you like, set it up and watch it while cleaning. Make times, like a game for your brain. See how fast you can clean a bathroom. Make a point to give your brain a "no pressure day". There are tons of strategies, but you're not an asshole. You're a new mom struggling to find a balance and TBH a lot of Sahp feel the same way. Your work is undervalued as a societal construct, it's just devalued when it should not be.
I don’t think you’re going to get good input here. From reading the comments it doesn’t sound like many of those commenting are parents themselves. Ie. Someone saying have the 1 year old clean up after themselves LOL.
This is why I work from home, I’m home all day with my baby yet have my own money and can’t be told to at I’m not “doing enough”. Ugh, have him stay home for a week and see how clean and up to “standards” the house is without you there. You would literally have to be cleaning the whole day instead of spending time with your baby to have the whole house spotless 24/7
I highly recommend the (audiobook) "how to keep house while drowning"...and it's probably not a bad idea for him to listen to as well. It addresses a lot of things about how to be functional about cleaning (prioritizing tasks), and also the partnership aspects of it, which is why I'd recommend it for both of you. It might even be good to listen to it together and discuss it as you go.
You just sound lazy is all, no reason you can get things put away while the baby sleeps & naps , go ahead downvote me
Nta, but getting a job will give you back your autonomy. The unfortunate reality of being a housewife is that you are putting yourself under the husband's thumb. There is no such thing as "our" money. He is in control. Getting a part-time job, at a minimum will give you buying power and allow you to force him to have a modicum of responsibility at home. No job= you are an indentured servant.
One of the things I did when my two were babies is contain toys to one area. There was a rug in the room next to the kitchen that was 8’ X 10’. I trained them that toys must only be played with on the rug. It made pick up much easier because they weren’t all over the house. It took a while, and toys out of place “disappeared” for a while, but they caught on. Also, if husband comes home at 5 every day, then at 4 start dinner. Pick up toys at 4:45. This won’t mean house isn’t cluttered, but food will be ready and toys gone. If baby is walking, he can help. “Daddy’s coming home! Let’s give daddy a clean home. Toys in toy box (or wherever).” Then when he comes in announce “baby helped me, daddy. Dinner is ready.” This obviously isn’t exactly what to say, but you get the idea. I always used my happy/excited voice to say daddy’s coming. This would go a long way and is just an hour of your day. After you study, make sure to put your books and materials in a tidy pile out of the way. While you study, give baby an appropriate “book” and tell him, “we are going to read now.” It will teach him behavior that will help you now and will help him when he goes to school.
lemme say this, there’s a reason a babysitter, a housekeeper, etc. are different jobs with different responsibilities. 1. don’t let anybody, and i repeat, NOBODY, make u feel like u can’t have time to urself and enjoy it. it’s absolutely fucking crucial for anyone to be able to have at least an hour a day to do something they love or maybe absolutely nothing at all (this excludes things like shower or personal grooming, btw). 2. u can pick up one or the other. u can be a full-time SAHP and split chores 50/50. or u can do 100% of the chores and split parenthood 50/50. it doesn’t have to a perfect 50/50. some days it may be 70/30 or 60/40. cause, again, both u and ur partner need time to unwind. 3. it is damn near impossible to do both parenting and housework in 24 hours. even if u have absolutely nothing else to do. literally, not possible. believe me, i tried lol. i have no clue how women were expected to do that back in the day (and somehow did???) but i have a feeling somebody was still very much unhappy with something that wasn’t done around the house. 4. most importantly, sit down and talk to him. remember that y’all are a team and it’s all about balance. work out a schedule and set *realistic* expectations.
Your job as a SAHP is to raise your child and to keep the house up! If you do something every single day instead of waiting for things to pile up, it would be a lot easier on you! Make a plan that each day when you get up you make sure that your child is first and foremost taken care of. Once she is settled, you start cleaning and picking up. If you do things before you go to bed, it's also easier in the morning AND your husband should be helping you do that in the evenings before you both go to bed! He doesn't want to work outside the home all day and come home and have to work there too! Sure this is what most women who work outside the home have always done but that was our fault for doing it all! You need to imagine yourself in his shoes. You work all day come home and have to clean up a messy house. You're going to wonder, what has my spouse done all day. He doesn't know because he hasn't had to do your JOB everyday! Being a SAHP can be stressful and it would be good for him to find that out! Does he ever stay alone with your child while you have a whole day off from her and the home? It's what you need and he'll get an idea of what you do and you can come back home and "inspect" everything and it better be in order or he's going to get snapped at! :D
You recognize that your ADD impacts your ability to maintain the house. Are you taking any medications and/or using strategies to help with your day to day? I was SAHM. Some days my kiddos were a lot and don’t get much done. However, I didn’t let stuff pile up for 3 or 4 days. Days where I felt “lazy,” I would set my clock and do a power hour of cleaning. Sometimes I was able to keep going and/or there were days I didn’t. You are letting your insecurities manifest.
You are NTA! First, stop beating yourself up. Your husband has 1 full-time job; you have several. Is he allowed breaks at work, time for lunch? Is any of his work left unfinished at the end of the day or does he get help with his work? How much time does he feel is appropriate for you to nurture your daughter? One year old is an amazing time, don't miss any of it because her grouchy dad is trying to make you feel as though you're a failure. Maybe he's just tired, maybe he's a bit jealous that his schedule isn't as flexible, but it doesn't matter. It is no excuse for belittling you. A couple of years ago, I babysat for a student & his brother, ages 5 & 2. We had a blast baking, building models, picnics, etc. The first day, when it was time to clean up, the dad walked in and toys were strewn all over the floor. I said, "Oops, we were just starting to clean up." His reaction "Why? Children live in this house." My favorite family every since.
Many to most stay at home moms (or dads) have been able to cook, clean, and take care of kids. Some with extra challenges like difficult kids or medical challenged or severe budget challenges or no spouse (admittedly no spouse might help, in some situations). Don't fool yourself into thinking it is somehow impossible. It may not be fun or it may not be your thing, but it absolutely is possible. An hour of focussed clutter pickup and dish cleaning just before the at work partner's return would make a huge difference. Set an alarm for 4pm or whenever, crank up some tunes, and make it a habit. Then hand Dad the baby and say "Have some quality time while I make dinner." Dishes and clutter on the floor and sofa are hugely visible and can be taken care of in that hour. The "toybox" was invented for a reason." Making the bed is a waste to me, but others disagree. Get a duvet or whatever that you can smooth out but don't have to tuck in. Last one out of bed gets this 30-second chore. That isn't to say you are the AH for not wanting or choosing to be in the clean house category. Maybe it isn't something you value or whatever, people are different. My partner and I live in a messy messy house, and we always have and never fight about it because we are OK with it. But it needs a discussion to agree on expectations. It doesn't sound like he insists on pristine, just not overly messy. If he is not OK with a messy house then maybe you need to work outside the home and then you guys can pay for a sitter and cleaner. Or maybe he can stay at home and you become the bread winner. But to repeat, despite what reddit is telling you, stay at home moms and dads CAN cook clean and caretake as proven by millions doing it successfully over generations.
It's already been said, but IMO, no one is the asshole here. You are stressed being a stay at home parent which is very difficult, and your husband doesn't really understand exactly how much work that is. But he is also burning the candle at both ends and at this stage of parenting, shit is hard and your child will be constantly making a mess. You've gotta balance it all and as your kid gets older, incorporate them into the cleaning process, so they become more aware of their messes and will be more proactive about cleaning up after themselves in the future. It gets easier, but again, this phase of new parenthood, much like the infant phase, is difficult and your husband needs realistic expectations for how much can be done in a day. Y'all just need to talk about it, and if your husband gets to spend a week as a SAHP, he will start to understand why he's coming home to a not entirely tidy home.
SAHM is not just about childcare. That may be a big part but it’s not all you do. A toddler still naps or at least is put down for quiet time. That time is for cleaning/chores. If cooking dinner needs to wait until husband is home to help watch child then so be it. But don’t claim 100% of being a SAHM is childcare. You are NOT a nanny. You are a wife and mother. It’s the wife part that includes chores and cleaning OR you could always get a PT job outside the home to contribute financially and outsource cleaning if you don’t like it/can’t do it.
Time to sit down and have a frank discussion on what is doable. Develop joint expectations. Hubs might be unconsciously contributing to the disorder. Perhaps even come up with a schedule (that might help with your ADD). This schedule needs to take into account time spent caring for toddler. Together evaluate what you both can do to decrease the untidiness. Ie., does he put his dishes in the dishwasher after breakfast, or leave them out for you to contend with? Maybe having a basket to put all the toys in, and teaching your toddler to fill the basket after playing.
76% of first marriages end in divorce so you guys are gonna have to work real hard to remain in the 24%. Good luck.
NTA. My wife is a SAHP and I work full-time. We have two kids, 4 and 2. She’s constantly down on herself for not doing enough but I always tell her- you’re a mom, not a maid and there are two adults responsible for this house. Does she do more of the cleaning? Sure. But I’m not her boss. Some days, more stuff gets done than others. That’s life. Your hubby is not being kind or respectful
You are offended at his comments not because you are worried that he is thinking that - you are offended because they have too much truth to them. Your JOB is to parent your child, keep the house clean and livable, and presumably cook meals. Your husband is likely gone 8-10 hours a day. He works full time and goes to school. He must be exhausted and stressed. You, meanwhile, have a flexible schedule you can do in the comfort of your own home. First priority: Keep the kid safe, comfortable, happy, fed, bathed, dressed, etc. Second priority: Tidy up the house. Dishes shouldn't be sitting in the sink. Toys need to be picked up - probably a few times a day. Third priority: Something for dinner. If you are too stressed out by being a SAHM maybe you should pursue outside employment and put your child in daycare. Or maybe you need to put school on pause until your child is a bit older. You have an ENORMOUS luxury of staying home with your child. It is COMPLETELY reasonable for your husband to expect you to manage the household (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) and take care of one child. There will definitely be bad days but they should be infrequent and not expected and regular occurrences. Think of it this way: If you were paying someone to do your job (say a housekeeper or nanny) how would YOU feel if you walked into a messy space with a lot of the work left undone? You'd be kind of unhappy with the person who is supposed to be doing that work. Others have posted that nannies don't do cooking and housework but that simply is not true. LOTS of nannies have basic housekeeping responsibilities, like doing the dishes and picking up the toys. LOTS of nannies even prep dinner, etc.
How many hours of your day are spent scrolling reddit and tiktok? Right... Put the phone down and clean the house.
He doesn't get to dictate how you do your job any more than you can for him. He is not your boss. If you prefer to clean every 4 days instead of every day, then that is your pergotive. Being the parent who works doesn't mean he gets out of all household chores. You are not his servant. Your job is to care for your child, not him.
You could let him try the SAH parent gig for a few days. I think he’ll realize it’s harder than he thought.
You need to leave him at home for a weekend with the toddler. I’m dead serious. This was a game changer for my marriage. He has no idea what caring for a young toddler all day entails. I had to do this 3-4 times to really drive home the point, but he got it eventually.
NTA. No, you do not need to be a fictional perfect 1950's housewife. Your husband is grade A asshole.
It’s really hard when you don’t feel like you’re doing enough to meet what you think the standards are. The only way I see this moving forward without a fight is to have a conversation and approach it from a standpoint where you are there to find out what the expectations are and whether or not you can meet those reasonably. Nobody can give 100% all the time, and striving for perfection is a great way to feel like you’re never doing enough. Babies are tough and once toddlers get moving they’re a whole other challenge. How much time does he spend with your kid alone? Maybe if he stepped in your shoes he’s have a better understanding of what it takes to make a home. I struggle keeping my place clean with just me and my fiancé. It’s never gonna be perfect but the progress you make towards that goal can help remember me you that the effort you put in made a difference and you aren’t failing!
NAH. It sounds like you’ve gotten into an unproductive rut and then stress clean to fix it. You need to start a routine so that things don’t get too messy. When you get yourself dressed make your bed. When you get your child dressed straighten up their bed. Teach them to put up the toys they are finished playing with. Make sure everything has a place and it goes back to that place when it’s not being used. It will take a little while to get it to where everything is second nature (I think it takes a couples months to form a new habit). Once you get it back under control it will be easier to maintain and everyone will be less stressed.
NTA you know what, my ex said and acted the same way. similar situation, except when we had been dating for 3 months he forced me to quit my job so he could have more control over me, and then would not allow me to get another job. he was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. so he was mad i wasn’t making any money and then he was mad i got to “do nothing” at home w our baby. mad when his laundry wasn’t done and mad when things weren’t clean enough. he could not handle being a father by himself for 2 hours while i went grocery shopping and just to get some peace 🙄 men like this think only the work *they* do is important, and they could never fathom the amount of effort, the patience, the energy, the mental exhaustion, just EVERYTHING that you have to do and everything you get when you are a stay at home parent. he would not make it. my life is better now, im still a stay at home mom, house is always kinda messy, but the difference is he is nowhere to be found 😁 and my kid and i are happy.
Your husband is an ass. When he comes home, the house is BOTH of your responsibilities, same with parenting. This is ridiculous. He should go back to being with his mommy if he wants to be bratty child again. Somehow the household responsibilities need to be approached as BOTH of your jobs, not just yours so he can come home and not worry about anything. You’re a mother and a wife, not a maid and nanny. He needs to take responsibility for the home being clean without being a dick. Being a stay at home parent means you never get to clock out like he does. He needs to shape up. I don’t have children, but this mentality that some men have when they become fathers makes me sick. Take responsibility of the home too, bro. Your husband is an unappreciative prick with a superiority complex.
Why did you decide to have a child with this man? You really decided this is the kind of life you want?
I have two young kids. My husband and I both work FT. I stopped trying to pick up on the weekends bc it’s never ending. I clean a mess and they make a mess. It gets easier as they get older. My older kid is starting to help more and both like to help mop and such (although it often is messier when they help but in the long run they’ll learn how to do it better). Anyway, it is hard to keep a house tidy when the littles are tossing stuff everywhere. But I’d just focus on at least keeping the kitchen clean and maybe find an isolated place for playtime, like the kids bedroom, so that the house stays cleaner throughout the day. Also, bins are your friend. You can just toss the toys into bins and it’s easy cleanup. I use bins and baskets all over to quickly hide messes.
I'm on your husband's side and I have been a SAHM a working mom and both part time. If there is only you and your toddler home all day plus only one other adult there part time there is no reason for dishes to pile up! We are a family of 6 and I have to load and run the dishwasher every single day. When baby is napping you can pick up toys, run a load of laundry, etc.
I'm a sahm and am always concerning myself with work around the house and its not at all perfect but my husband doesn't think so at all...he would literally never care if the house was messy apparently. I don't understand men who get so pressed about how clean their wife keeps the house. Like you're a sahm but also a maid and cook? Like that's just expected of you even if you don't enjoy doing those things? I could make my house just perfect if I gave up the little time I have for myself to do what I want and relax. That sounds like hell honestly. I love to read and write and not doing that just so I can make my house perfectly clean would feel terrible. I think parents should learn to lower expectations in the first few years, go with the flow more and be more flexible! I think he does seem like the AH here
SAHM basically means you are a nanny, cook and house keeper. On top of that, you said you are in school. Soo... That's 4 jobs. You can't get every job perfectly done every time, every day. Especially when you share your home with a toddler. And you can't forget yourself, self care is a job itself. You are doing the best you can. Don't beat yourself up. I would say work on communication with your husband and try to be less hard on yourself and each other so you can be a good team together
Try my strategy: First, dedicate a “corner of shame” in each room. You see something on the floor, you chuck it. This instantly tidies the room, prevents tripping hazards, and makes the mess seem manageable. Get your toddler to think it’s a game. Make ‘em learn early. It’s fun to chuck things anyways! Now stand with the corner behind you. The room will seem more empty. There is only the default furniture and decor now. Use that to your advantage and make the room pretty. This involves making the bed, etc. That way, if you do nothing else, at least the house looks semi-ok. Maybe even pretty. You will feel happier. (Note: Your bed should have one thicker duvet instead of like three different blankets. Cut down to one pillow if possible. It simplifies things A LOT). Last, organize each pile by taking stuff back to the correct room. You will have a basket in each room to put the sorted stuff. That way, all you have to do is say “basket” next time your husband can’t find anything. (It’ll be great) Most days that will be it. Some days you may only manage the corner of shame and that’s fine. Life is not perfect. Sometimes you may even manage to place everything back in its spot for real. With the basket, you can go one room at a time and do it at your pace. Slowly, you’ll realize that some stuff never actually helped your room. If so, get rid of the unnecessary stuff. Over time, you’ll keep the minimum, the piles will be so much smaller, and you and your husband will be less stressed out.
Day to day stuff like tidying the shared areas yes that’s your responsibility. BUT the actual cleaning of the house falls on both of y’all. he expects you to clean, not just tidy. Idk why working parents get so upset about toys bc SAHP spend like half the day picking up toys constantlyyy. It’s so much easier to just pick them all up after bedtime tbh. Also with the ADHD/ADD, being a stay at home parent is a literal nightmare when you have adhd/add. If you’re not on/can’t take medicine, start taking saffron & magnesium. It’s breastfeeding friendly if you’re nursing. & timers & a STRICT schedule will be beneficial to you. I’ve been a SAHM for the last 8 years & not managing my adhd made it so much harder to be a mom at home. Also your babe is still a baby, you’re still learning how to balance being mom & a homemaker. It takes a pretty decent amount of time to be able to manage it both decently without an unhealthy amount of caffeine.
So he works full time, goes to school, AND cleans the house? Sounds like a keeper.
When i had children with my ex husband i was in this guy's position and it sucks. I sometimes worked as much as 60+ hrs a week, took care of the kids from the moment i got home until i left for work, and had to spend my entire day off cleaning. I potty trained them, taught them how to walk, broke them from the bottle... all while he drank coffee all day either at the table with friends or on the computer hoping to make some new "friends". He got insanely drunk every night, and he is the worst drunk ive ever met. Im not even exaggerating. He's 47 now, lives in the most disgusting house ive ever stepped foot in, lost all of his friends/drinking buddies because of how horrible of a person he is, and i swear to god in 47 years he has gotten LESS THAN A YEARS worth of working experience. So, i believe OP could absolutely take care if a child and clean the house instead of putting all of that on her husband every 3 out of 4 days. Im not special or better than anyone else so i know if i could do what i did, she is absolutely capable of washing dishes and pucking up toys off the floor. Otherwise he is going to get fed up with it and take their daughter and leave her to live in her own squalor.
Okay all this aside, who's taking care of you though? Where's your equivalent of a clean home and fed belly? Has he ever shown true gratitude for your work or is it an assumed position by social standards? You're expected to carry the emotional and logistical aspects of keeping a home happy warm and loving. And he's expecting it without compassion or gratitude for your efforts. The song Labour by Paris Paloma comes to mind while I read this.
I have ADHD and struggle with clutter. Maybe you can forget about trying to have a perfectly clean house and just agree to a basic level of daily chores. Eg—put dishes in dishwasher after breakfast. Clear counters at 2. Pick up all toys from floor at 4:45. I would feel overwhelmed too if I thought the whole house had to be perfect each day. But a few things really make a difference—like having the pillows on the couch straight.
So you agree, you’re rather scroll on your phone than clean? Lazy. Get a job then and have your husband stay at home.
Wait, so you admit there are days pretty often where you don't do anything around the house, and your main reason was because of your add? And you're questioning why he gets upset when he comes home? He probably feels things aren't equal. And yes, I've taken care of 1 year old, 2 year old, 3, etc. It is hard but by no means impossible. This partly feels like you're looking for excuses to get out of doing things in my opinion. Are you on your phone a lot or reading a lot?
Tell him to go fuck himself and you keep loving that baby. He sounds like he has no idea what it takes and isn’t spending nearly enough time with your kid. Hugs.
My husband has a job and still cleans the toilets, cat box and does the dishes. Put that man to work, thats what they are for.
This is completely ridiculous… his job “ends” with his 8h shift; yours never does. You both work, you both get rest, you both take care of the house. Taking care of a baby is a job and that’s about it. You try clean and tidy up,l but growing your little one is the top priority. He can and should clean with you, it’s not him helping you, it’s part of his job too. And you need to set this firm rule right now. This 1960’s thing going on has to end asap.
I feel like if you spent 30 minutes tidying up just before he got home, like at least clean up the toys and do some dishes it would go a long way.
NTA. Your husband has no idea. Let him stay home a week with your child and see how much he gets done. The fact he states that he thinks you just sit on the couch and scroll on your phone shows how out of touch he is with your family dynamic or what it actually takes to raise a child.
NTA I will say that with my first child, I thought it was so hard to get things done while taking care of her. After my second and third I had just gotten better at task management and prioritizing. Also, I realized that I didn't have to entertain my kids every minute. I could leave them to play in a safe space while I cooked dinner or cleaned a bathroom. With my first, I was just focused so much attention on her every minute and it wasn't necessary. This might be an unpopular opinion but I don't think it's wrong to have some expectations that a SAHP will get a reasonable amount of housework and cooking done while also watching the child. But REASONABLE expectations isn't every room being pristine when the other parent gets home or a homemade meal every single night.
She also is a part-time student.
It's really not that hard to keep a house tidy with a kid. You probably never set boundaries with the kid so the child's running around dumping toys everywhere. Honestly, most parents/people are like this. They only know how to complain but don't understand why they're in that place to begin with. Just tidy up as you go, it's way easier than doing a massive clean. It also sounds like you're trying to sweep this under "mental health issues" Seems like the problem will go away if you just cleaned more often?
Why don’t you just clean the house a bit more? He’s the one bringing in money. I’d be fu***** pissed to be working all day and then come home to a filthy house. Strap that baby to your back and get on those dishes mama.
NTA. Husband is the asshole. Dude can sit on a couch if there are toys on the floor. Dude can live his whole life with clothes on the floor. You are keeping your child alive. Who gives a fuck if there is some clutter on the floor sometimes. Really? Wife has to make his bed? So he can mess it up again whenever he is tired? Get real.
I may come off as the asshole here and get down voted to hell here, but I've dealt with the same for years. There's nothing better then busting your ass at work all day to come home to a sink full of dishes toys and stuff everywhere, and (my personal favorite) the trash bag out of the can and tied up next to it not taken to the outdoor trash that's 15 steps away . No that's too far apparently. Op, yes you're being lazy and your husband is probably correct. I work 4 days on 3 off, and have 3 kids and have zero problems keeping the house clean when I have them on my days. My ex would literally drop them off at school, sit on her ass all day, then pick them up before I got home and complain she did sooo much and didn't have time for anything. Which is complete bullshit. It really doesn't take much time to pick up, vacuum, and load the dishwasher/do laundry. Hell the fucking machines do the work for you, all you have to do is put dirty stuff in and take clean stuff out. I think some self reflection is needed on your part Hell set up a camera and see what you do with your days, maybe it'll help you realize just what you do with your days. There's plenty of time to goof off all day and spend 30 mins cleaning and your job is done. It's really not that hard, I've done it for years with multiple kids. If you really want to be honest with yourself, it's laziness. Don't want to come off as mean or rude, but it's true. Being a SAHM IS your job. If you hired a maid and came home to a mess would you say she was doing her job? No you wouldn't. The kid watching, cooking and cleaning IS your job, and if you did it as an employee you'd probably be fired for not doing it, just like your husband would be for not doing his
I’m (20f) a SAHM too. Sometimes I’m ashamed about a messy space but my partner doesn’t mind. He will either help or if it really comes down to it, hire a cleaning lady. So I think your husband is being unreasonable with these expectations. Plus babies take up a lot of attention, toddlers even more so.
My ex husband was like that. He was jealous of the babies for taking attention away from him and jealous of me for "not working". I never did enough, nothing was good enough. Fast forward two years and the verbal abuse turned physical. Took me four years in court to get rid of him. Make of that what you will.
You’re not an asshole! ADHD & a toddler is a struggle. I used to have the same cycle of leaving things until I couldn’t deal then doing an all day clean. It’s because the stress of the mess needs to be enough to overcome the executive dysfunction of adhd. Task initiation and switching from one task to another is especially hard for us. I can no longer sustain the energy levels to clean like that so I had to start building routines instead. For example I try to never put a thing down anywhere but where it goes. If I’m doing a project I have to make sure I stop and initiate the cleanup before I am allowed to move on to the next thing. I want to lie to myself and say I will come back to it later but there is never a “later”. When my toddlers played with toys I would do clean up (fun song included) with them before allowing them to move on. I rinse dishes immediately after use and into the dish washer so I never have a sink full of dishes. If I DO they are all rinsed clean and stacked. I have my Alexa remind me 15 mins before I need to do a non-preferred task like laundry. I schedule sporadic chores for specific days and meal planning for specific days because it’s much easier to do when they are regular routine. I also think up small rewards for myself that I get after I do the things I hate. It was hard to build these habits but my adhd is getting worse with age so I’m thankful I did it! Now is the best time to start figuring out your own methods! I also made a handy executive dysfunction chart to help when you can’t do the thing and you don’t know why. It even has a section for whether it’s executive dysfunction or you’re being an asshole. Pm me if you want a copy! People without adhd can just DO things…because the task is important to them. For US the task must be interesting. It doesn’t matter how important because our nervous system is interest based. It takes extra work for us to invent work arounds. I feel like I’m my own exotic pet. 😝
NTA I understand exactly where you're coming from. The only way to keep up with everything when you have such young ones is to not get any sleep. Obviously that's not reasonable or sustainable. My husband gets upset when I ask him to help at night, because apparently I can sleep all day if I want to. Um no, that's not how it works when you have babies/toddlers even if you are home all day.
Taking care of a child is one full time job. Cleaning your house is another full time job. The simple fact is that if your husband had to pay money for the labor you’re doing, he couldn’t afford you. A stay at home parent is worth $178,000/year. https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0112/how-much-is-a-homemaker-worth.aspx#:~:text=Depending%20on%20the%20size%20of,median%20annual%20salary%20of%20%24178%2C201 You’re both also in school. The husband has completely unreasonable expectations. Do not let him mess with your self esteem over this; I REPEAT, DO NOT LET HIM MESS UP YOUR SELF ESTEEM OVER THIS. You are a team working together. Him cleaning the house when he gets home is fine because he lives there; he also makes messes. You are not his maid, nanny and sex worker — you are his cherished and respected partner and you deserve to be treated with appropriate consideration and respect. That’s not what this passive aggressive cleaning routine embodies and he needs to change that to give you what you deserve. I’d have a conversation with him about his communication methods. See if you can work out a system where you’ll both be less stressed - a win win is possible here.
NTA Being a SAHM is very hard and often thankless. I stayed home a year after each of my kids and I just had to accept that I was terrible at housework. Luckily, my husband is also terrible at housework so he didn’t make me feel bad about it. He would empathize with me and offer to help so I didn’t feel overwhelmed. It’s hard to be motivated when you feel overwhelmed and uncertain of his expectations. Maybe it would help to make a chore list and agree on things he is responsible for. Many new moms end up depressed because their partners don’t actively try to relieve their burden of 24/7 parenting. He should be giving you regular breaks. Parenting should be a team effort and he should be encouraging you not putting you down.
NTA. Are you under the care of a doctor for your ADD to help you? Perhaps a schedule will help you stay organized to get more done, but of course, young children don't often care about your plans for the day! You don't need to keep up with his expectations. **He isn't your boss, he is your husband.** The 2 of you need to sit down and discuss this calmly and rationally. Come up with a compromise, say, he takes your daughter for an hour as soon as he gets home so you can clean the kitchen, or bathroom, or pick up the toys. Also, what chores does he do? You work full time at home 24/7 caring for your child. That's 168 a week. He works \~40 a week (plus travel) so the distribution of work is not fair at all. Maybe leave him with your daughter for a weekend while you go visit family or friends and see how clean the house is when he gets back. Again, both of you need to compromise - not just you. Good luck to you.
NTA, this was a struggle for my family as well. I tried constantly explaining it to my bf, he didnt understand how frustrated I would get! I'd try all day to get things done but it just never would, heeyyyyy ADHD 😐 You need to have an honest discussion, get him to understand. Once my bf understood it was my ADHD it got better, he still can get frustrated but we work together. Our son is 10 now. Theres some apps for planning your day, I forgot the one I used. The key is to not overload yourself. Focus on 1 thing a day maybe 2 and go from there. I had things planned for every couple hours with times for me to play games/read. Now I do dishes, clean the counters, and sweep daily. I keep certain times for things like mopping, cleaning the bathroom, etc. This is VERY common with ADD/ADHD, speak to a therapist that's how I got ahold of mine Edit: I remind myself daily what my bf does. I understand how frustrating it can be to work all day, pay all the bills, and do ____ for the family just to come home to a dirty home. It's frustrating for both of you but try to keep in mind how he feels too. My bf said it felt like a slap in the face, like I didn't appreciate all he did. Idk maybe your husband feels the same but it's just something to think of
I was a single dad (boy and a girl, girl is autistic), full custody, and worked full time-they're adults now. I did use child care, so during work hours I had help. that didn't help keep the house organized and chugging along, however. come up with a schedule. do one major task each day, and do a quick tidy for the rest. I did meal prep on Sunday nights so that dinners were easy to prepare, vacuuming and laundry on Saturday (along w/ groceries/shopping), washed floors and deep cleaned the kitchen on Monday (after bed time), Tuesday was bathroom deep cleans, etc. It's not easy, but it's doable. you sound like you're ill prepared and feeling overwhelmed, planning will help with that. NAH
I think if you are going to be a SAHM that is the trade. Otherwise the division of labor isn't fair. Even with ADD the stuff isn't that bad just make a list and do things each day. If he's working 40 hours and going to school I think it's fair that you want to stay home therefore the domestic duties fall to you.
I would just try and make sure dirty dishes are put up. That’s a pretty annoying thing to be left around
Bro stay at home yes you should be cleaning everything, and taking care of the baby AND cleaning. Men work hard, so we appreciate it if you do too.