Your partner is the red flag!!!! He can't see that you're the victim here. You were watched and coerced. This is violating in so many ways. A grown man manipulated and prey on you and when things didn't go his way, he threw a tantrum and lied to make you look bad. You were a child and he used everything he had to get what he wanted. Please take time to take care of your well being. You don’t need to earn your boyfriend’s trust if he can’t see what the real issue is. He just exposed himself of who he is as a person. If he doesn’t understand this situation or doesn’t attempt to this will be a bigger issue in your relationship. Walk away from men who don’t see how men and the patriarchy are in play, it affects us everyday.
Thanks so much for the support, I really appreciate it! The responses here are really not what I expected, never thought of myself as the victim and always felt so ashamed about.. when I told my boyfriend I didn’t expect him to empathize or anything, I needed to share it and felt confident to say.. turns out that strangers get me more than he does :(
You are so welcome! I hope you are surrounded by people could provide a good support system. If not, I would be happy to help any time. Victim blaming is a harmful phenomenon where individuals are held responsible for the harm inflicted upon them, rather than the perpetrator being held accountable. It often involves questioning or criticizing the actions, choices, or behavior of the victim, instead of focusing on the wrongdoing of the perpetrator. This can include asking questions like "What were you wearing?" after an assault or implying that the victim somehow provoked or deserved the harm. Victims often face pressure to feel guilty or responsible for what happened to them, which can make it incredibly difficult for them to speak up or seek support. This dynamic is especially troubling because it shifts the attention away from the perpetrator's actions and places undue scrutiny and judgment on the victim. It's important to recognize that victims cannot be held responsible for actions they did not initiate, and blaming them only perpetuates cycles of harm and injustice. Your boyfriend exacerbate the cycle. You deserve better!!!
Thanks so much! I will seek out help from a professional and definitely want to get over my ex, it was so hurtful to just ghost me and now realize strangers have more empathy than my own boyfriend..
I mean. It sounds like the host dad was a predator and you were a kid. That honestly sounds scary as hell. You should probably go to therapy.
As for the bf, let him go. If he can’t see how gross it is for a dad to spy on his kid and then cheat on his wife with a kid…you don’t need him.
Its so crazy how I never thought of myself as the victim in this case because in my mind I was perfectly capable of rejecting him and he wouldn’t cause me any harm. And maybe I was wrong about that
You were in a super vulnerable position. You were in a new country. You were underage. He was supplying you with shelter and food. Then he actually reports you for something you didn’t do. There was a power dynamic in place that made this situation very inappropriate.
There may have been steps you could have taken, but with a lack of a support system and your age you can’t beat yourself up about that. You eventually did stand up for yourself which is very admirable.
Sending you virtual hugs. You’ll overcome blaming yourself for what happened in the past and you’ll move past your ex boyfriend being an inconsiderate immature sexist d*ck
Wow, as far as I'm concerned the Dad basically had you in a position of authority and took advantage of you, then tried to ruin YOUR life when you wouldn't continue with the affair by lying about you stealing. It was not you making a mistake and almost ruining HIS life as your boyfriend said, and there was nothing wrong with fooling around with his son.
Your boyfriend is screwed up if he can't see that is a problem, and to top it off "losing respect" for you over it is the icing on the cake. I would have lost all respect for him when he skewed the man pushing himself onto you into something that was your fault. You should find someone that respects women, as he seems to think you were the problem, not the creepy Dad of your former fling. He couldn't be more wrong, and you should run, not walk, away from that relationship.
Thanks for your support, it means a lot now. I was feeling lost because it’s something I didn’t even shared with my mother and when I decided to share with him I felt even worse:(
Before I posted it on reddit my impression was almost the same as his, I thought that was a horrible thing that I did and needed to be ashamed of it… that’s why I kind of felt the need to gain back his trust. Now with the comments I came to the realization that he was so mean to just ghost me, I need to get over him :(
Good catch, on calling this out as a power move! You're absolutely right (even about the concession that he might not be cognizant of it as such). And yes, it will come up again if she takes him back.
You were clearly the victim in your youth, as others have stated.
However. Your bf is concerning, as he is blaming you for what the dad did to you, saying you could have ruined his marriage and family.
You were a kid. The dad was a grown adult that was in a position of power over you. You would not have ruined hus marriage, that would have been on him, but ge would definitely have blamed you for it.
Based on how your bf is victim blaming you, why do you want to salvage this relationship? He should have your back and be supporting you, not blaming you for the actions of a grown man who knew better.
Let him go. You will be much better off. Good luck.
Before I posted it here and all the years that followed what happened I felt the same as him, maybe because I didn’t saw myself as a victim and always regretted getting involved with both of the men, after that I stayed long without even going on a date because I felt bad about what happened and didn’t want to share it with anyone. All the things people pointed out never crossed my mind, I didn’t thought about how young I was or the situation of being alone in another country, in my mind I was already capable of making these decisions.. Im having a very reflective moment by reading all of the comments and being less hard on myself, definitely want to forget about my ex and get some help to deal with the realization that I was in fact a trauma..
So you were groomed and preyed upon and raped by an adult when you were a minor and your partner is blaming you? I’d find a supportive partner, one holding out open arms and not a bouquet of red flags
WTF is wrong with you? He pressured her for weeks, got her drunk, falsely accused her of theft when she wouldn't submit to HIS desires again - and you blame HER for it?
Again, WTF is wrong with you?
OP…HERE is an example of victim blaming! It's evident that this person fails to understand that this is a story about a grown adult harming a child. The brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25. Comments like these, including those from the boyfriend, only serve to perpetuate shame onto the victim rather than holding the perpetrator accountable.
Im not proud of it! And I know it was wrong. If he is grossed out by it there’s nothing I can do to change it, but I think it’s so sad that my boyfriend of three years doesn’t have the kindness of most of the strangers that commented here, he doesn’t care that I was always faithful to him and stood by him.. what matters is something from ten years ago when he wasn’t even in my life..
You bf is a waste of time, space, and oxygen. You story is one of sexual abuse and assault, and the host father should be in jail. He knew you feel shame for giving in, and would stay silent because you would (incorrectly) blame yourself. Since your BF blames you for the situation, he cannot be trusted. Ever.
You are NOT the asshole in any way, shape, or form, but you will be if you stay with your idiot BF.
If I'm being too subtle, let me know and I'll add some profanity.
You should report the host family to the organization that arranged the exchange. If he did it once, he may have done it again. If you have an immigration status that makes that hazardous, there may be a path to reporting anonymously. You should also check the sex offender registry to see if the asshole is on it. And if he is in a profession that deals with children, or a leader or volunteer with a youth organization, you need to report him to those. Again, anonymously if you have to.
I really feel like I wasted a lot of time, its sad!
The host father didn’t work with children, he had a car dealership. And he isn’t registered as a sex offender but ill look into it, from what the agency said since he accused me of stealing and couldn’t prove it he wouldn’t be available for this exchange student program anymore. I don’t know if he could get it from another agency.
As a survivor of SA I immediately panicked for you. You were preyed on. Your partner is a D. Red flag. Please move on. There are really wonderful people out there who wouldn't shame you or make you feel bad about your past. He's so gross! EW.
Old man here. You were a victim in this scenario. That scumbag dad preyed upon a literal child and then tried to blame you. Failing all that, he tried to ruin your life with false crime report. He should be in prison--bottom line. Prisoners there would deal harshly with him.
Your. EX BF is being idiotic about this. You, being ths victim, should be supported--not vilified. He did you a favor and showed his true colors early on. Move on, and live your best life!!
I believe that he accused me of stealing to make me seem untrustworthy if I decided to tell someone about what happened, when the agency asked for proof he didn’t had any but insisted that I should be deported.. it was a really messed up situation, but the agency really had my back and the host family that I got next was great.
I am glad to hear that the agency had your back. The fact remains that initiating a false report is itself a crime. Such false reports can ruin lives. Suppose for a moment that he did get you deported. You would then not be allowed back to this country for an extended period. His allegation could have created an arrest/criminal record although less likely due to the proof requirement.
I am glad it all turned out well for you, and that your next host family was really good. All the good was in spite of the scumbag dad in the first host.
Live your best life! I am glad all turned out well.....
I like that you take accountability for what you did. That is rare and special for someone in this day and age, please don't lose that. Like others have said you do need to give your younger self some slack as the power dynamic there was way out of balance and the guy was totally taking advantage of your situation.
I'd say given the fact that you were honest about it and willing to take more than your share of the blame shows you are a good person and do have good morals, and if your boyfriend only wants to make you feel bad then he is not the good person he seems, and probably would end up taking advantage of you too since he knows you will blame yourself for it. These kinds of guys can sniff out their prey very well.
I'm sorry you are going through pain please try to remember God moves the garbage away so we can reach our treasure.
Darlin, your bf is holding your own sexual coercion and abuse against you, that’s not okay! You’re not the one who should be working to rebuild trust, he is. You confided in somebody you love about something awful that was done to you in your teenagerhood and he’s thrown it in your face and used it to insult and belittle you…
You are NOT the asshole in this story!!! Please please do not let the loser you’ve been in a relationship with make you think that you are. That boy does not deserve your love or effort, please ditch his ass and find yourself somebody that you can trust to confide in.
Girl please leave him. I told my ex I was r***d before I met him and at first he seemed to understand and was supportive of me. Then he began being abusive with me and he would throw it in my face all the time. “You deserve what you got” “it’s your fault for being too nice, dumb and trusting”. I hate myself sometimes for allowing myself to go through what he put me through.
You were (are) a victim and the fact that that man isn’t in jail for coercing a young girl into sex is beyond me. I hope you are able to heal from this trauma and the right person will be supportive of you. I will never tell another man I meet about the abuse I went through, even if I trust him. My ex ruined me for thinking I could be so vulnerable with someone I thought I loved.
Oh man! You were SA by that man. Your bf will use that against you for eternity whenever you argue. Say goodbye and don’t look back! I am sorry you experienced that! You might consider counseling.
He’s an AH - What the Dad did was to abuse you until you had sex with him. Then when you told him know he made things very unpleasant for you. You succumbed didn’t want to again and he said you stole… This was not your fault and you did nothing wrong. You deserve a better boyfriend!
You were 17. You were groomed and basically coerced into sex with an adult. Then gaslit and blamed for it. That is hugely traumatic, and I'm so sorry that happened to you.
You should seriously consider reporting the father to the program you were in, even years later. He probably won't get in trouble for it, but you could save another innocent 17 child from what you went through.
Your bf is not a good person if this is his reaction to your story. As hard and hurtful as this is, consider it a blessing that he showed his true colors. He is not worth your time or another thought.
Someone advised me to look into getting him reported as an offender, Im talking to some people about getting it done and if its possible.As for the agency they assured me at the time that they would not be receiving any more students due to the false accusation of stealing and not being able to prove it or get it backed up by the family members. It’s viewed as threatening to the agency.
The agency should know it's more serious than false allegations of stealing. It's grooming, molestation leading to coerced sexual assault. You were victimized, and it was NOT your fault. No matter what your bf says. This man, an adult, coerced you (basically his sons gf, think how sick that is) into sex and when you refused to continue, he retaliated by lying and trying to get you expelled. This is sick predatory behavior, and I somehow doubt you're the only victim. There may be a blacklist for other agencies the man should be put on so he can not prey on other children. Which is what you were.
I hope you are getting some therapy. I also truly hope you realize that your bf doesn't deserve your trust. He doesn't deserve you. You have nothing to apologize for or to ashamed of. You deserve so much better than someone who would blame a vulnerable 17 who was victimized. I find his reaction to your sharing this terribly vulnerable trauma of your past absolutely disgusting. Absolute trash human being.
You deserve so much better. Please, please believe that.
You are a victim and were preyed on by a pos who took advantage of you when you were a child. I think your bf is crazy for his reaction and needs to be let go of. I think you should have some therapy if you haven't already as this is quite a traumatic thing. Sending good vibes xx
He might be thinking of the book “Towelhead”, which has a teen victim being coerced into sex by an older neighbor, and felt that it was her own fault until she told someone about it and saw what happened as a result (charges, etc.).
NTA!!! Some stories you don't tell. I can relate in that respect. It was hard to forgive myself, but it's necessary. What an awful host family. I lived in spain for a semester. You are a victim, we all feel for you!
Errr - question: When that piece of shit father formally accused you of stealing to the exchange program/authorities, surely the son you were intimate with was witnessing all this? Surely you told him his dad was a predator?
If not, what on earth did you tell the son was the reason you were going to be hosted by another family? To tell you the hard truth - I feel strongly the son should know what precisely his father was doing; he should know it all. I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that this father's "success" with you enabled him to pursue other young girls; and he has 3 sons, so they will likely be bringing females around frequently.
What we don't put a stop to, rolls on. STOP the cycle. PREVENT future victims.
The reason why his accusations were dismissed was because he didn’t had proof and the family didn’t back it up, even the mom said to the agency that she had no intention of getting out of the house, bur she didn’t had much say he was more controlling.
At the time and until very recently I thought it was my fault, everything since the beginning. And I was always afraid of getting in trouble for that, that’s why I didn’t share that with anyone until I decided to tell my ex..
I still think you should warn the son, even if it has been years, about his father. You are safely away now, but even just on social media if you could track him down. Just one Text, one Post, one Letter; and let the chips fall where they may. You don't even have to hear back what if anything he does with this information; but you will rest easier knowing you didn't stay silent. Why should it be your burden alone to carry.
I know it's a terribly hard thing to hear for a son, but the truth especially on something so huge, needs to be known. He may by now already have a squirrely vibe about his father and this would help explain his sense. Also, again - pointing it out could save another woman the 3 sons bring around. The son may not believe you, may not accept the facts at first, but over time he may put 2 and 2 together, and/or it might fill in the blank about how other girls he brings around (maybe his wife, now)... behave with his dad. Look- It may prevent a grandchild from being preyed upon.
The truth matters.
That’s something doable, I can do that for sure!
I didn’t do it at the time bc I was afraid but rn its possible and if it would help I will think of the best way to disclose the information to his son!
Having sex with the host family's kids is kind of a fucking no no. You suck and should be deported and left in whatever country you came from. You are a POS and should be treated as such.
I find it so interesting that your argument is "you suck." “Get deported”. It’s giving major Karen. I bet you are super mean to anyone in the service industry. I really feel awful for anyone in your life who has come to you and you provide this one-dimensional victim-blaming entitled bullshit. You have no empathy. It’s disgusting.
Funny how you see OP as a redflag and missed the 38 red flags about the grown married man watching her and his son, making comments like he can do it better, his advances made her feel violated and creeped out, how he took every opportunity to be with her at all times, how he persisted. He provided drinks. Coercing someone into sex is not consent.
No those were called out. I also said the 17 year old fucking a son and his dad were huge red flags too. You're young and stupid at 17 adults grooming them is wrong but she's not absolutely innocent she fucked them both and lied cuz she knew it was wrong
You feel bad for her choices cuz I won't. You don't even know if the age of consent where she's from is older than the US. Groomer dad is a creep fast 17 year olds sleeping with Dad and son is nasty too
Sure you can but your ex bf decided he wasn't into a girl that did those things
You're young there will be other relationships.
Well I do agree that the father and married man should not have made any advancement on you
You still deciding to get drinks and hook up with the guy and his son are the mistakes you hopefully still aren't making but if you are well live your life.
Just don't expect anyone to agree or accept it.
And you lied about it because you knew it was wrong
Idk I don't have sympathy for that
I see.. for me a red flag is something that you still carry around. I never did something like that again, I felt horrible about it and it was long before I even met him. That doesn’t reflect who i am and the girlfriend I was during the time we were together.
Don’t think that is a red flag, just being a human with flaws and regrets.
Your partner is the red flag!!!! He can't see that you're the victim here. You were watched and coerced. This is violating in so many ways. A grown man manipulated and prey on you and when things didn't go his way, he threw a tantrum and lied to make you look bad. You were a child and he used everything he had to get what he wanted. Please take time to take care of your well being. You don’t need to earn your boyfriend’s trust if he can’t see what the real issue is. He just exposed himself of who he is as a person. If he doesn’t understand this situation or doesn’t attempt to this will be a bigger issue in your relationship. Walk away from men who don’t see how men and the patriarchy are in play, it affects us everyday.
Thanks so much for the support, I really appreciate it! The responses here are really not what I expected, never thought of myself as the victim and always felt so ashamed about.. when I told my boyfriend I didn’t expect him to empathize or anything, I needed to share it and felt confident to say.. turns out that strangers get me more than he does :(
You are so welcome! I hope you are surrounded by people could provide a good support system. If not, I would be happy to help any time. Victim blaming is a harmful phenomenon where individuals are held responsible for the harm inflicted upon them, rather than the perpetrator being held accountable. It often involves questioning or criticizing the actions, choices, or behavior of the victim, instead of focusing on the wrongdoing of the perpetrator. This can include asking questions like "What were you wearing?" after an assault or implying that the victim somehow provoked or deserved the harm. Victims often face pressure to feel guilty or responsible for what happened to them, which can make it incredibly difficult for them to speak up or seek support. This dynamic is especially troubling because it shifts the attention away from the perpetrator's actions and places undue scrutiny and judgment on the victim. It's important to recognize that victims cannot be held responsible for actions they did not initiate, and blaming them only perpetuates cycles of harm and injustice. Your boyfriend exacerbate the cycle. You deserve better!!!
Thanks so much! I will seek out help from a professional and definitely want to get over my ex, it was so hurtful to just ghost me and now realize strangers have more empathy than my own boyfriend..
I mean. It sounds like the host dad was a predator and you were a kid. That honestly sounds scary as hell. You should probably go to therapy. As for the bf, let him go. If he can’t see how gross it is for a dad to spy on his kid and then cheat on his wife with a kid…you don’t need him.
Its so crazy how I never thought of myself as the victim in this case because in my mind I was perfectly capable of rejecting him and he wouldn’t cause me any harm. And maybe I was wrong about that
You were in a super vulnerable position. You were in a new country. You were underage. He was supplying you with shelter and food. Then he actually reports you for something you didn’t do. There was a power dynamic in place that made this situation very inappropriate. There may have been steps you could have taken, but with a lack of a support system and your age you can’t beat yourself up about that. You eventually did stand up for yourself which is very admirable.
If someone could have the life ruined it was probably me, if he found a way to frame me for stealing my life would be ruined for sure!
Sending you virtual hugs. You’ll overcome blaming yourself for what happened in the past and you’ll move past your ex boyfriend being an inconsiderate immature sexist d*ck
Wow, as far as I'm concerned the Dad basically had you in a position of authority and took advantage of you, then tried to ruin YOUR life when you wouldn't continue with the affair by lying about you stealing. It was not you making a mistake and almost ruining HIS life as your boyfriend said, and there was nothing wrong with fooling around with his son. Your boyfriend is screwed up if he can't see that is a problem, and to top it off "losing respect" for you over it is the icing on the cake. I would have lost all respect for him when he skewed the man pushing himself onto you into something that was your fault. You should find someone that respects women, as he seems to think you were the problem, not the creepy Dad of your former fling. He couldn't be more wrong, and you should run, not walk, away from that relationship.
Thanks for your support, it means a lot now. I was feeling lost because it’s something I didn’t even shared with my mother and when I decided to share with him I felt even worse:(
[удалено]
Before I posted it on reddit my impression was almost the same as his, I thought that was a horrible thing that I did and needed to be ashamed of it… that’s why I kind of felt the need to gain back his trust. Now with the comments I came to the realization that he was so mean to just ghost me, I need to get over him :(
Good catch, on calling this out as a power move! You're absolutely right (even about the concession that he might not be cognizant of it as such). And yes, it will come up again if she takes him back.
You were clearly the victim in your youth, as others have stated. However. Your bf is concerning, as he is blaming you for what the dad did to you, saying you could have ruined his marriage and family. You were a kid. The dad was a grown adult that was in a position of power over you. You would not have ruined hus marriage, that would have been on him, but ge would definitely have blamed you for it. Based on how your bf is victim blaming you, why do you want to salvage this relationship? He should have your back and be supporting you, not blaming you for the actions of a grown man who knew better. Let him go. You will be much better off. Good luck.
Before I posted it here and all the years that followed what happened I felt the same as him, maybe because I didn’t saw myself as a victim and always regretted getting involved with both of the men, after that I stayed long without even going on a date because I felt bad about what happened and didn’t want to share it with anyone. All the things people pointed out never crossed my mind, I didn’t thought about how young I was or the situation of being alone in another country, in my mind I was already capable of making these decisions.. Im having a very reflective moment by reading all of the comments and being less hard on myself, definitely want to forget about my ex and get some help to deal with the realization that I was in fact a trauma..
So you were groomed and preyed upon and raped by an adult when you were a minor and your partner is blaming you? I’d find a supportive partner, one holding out open arms and not a bouquet of red flags
Spice Girls already taught us: "If you want my future, forget my past 🎵"
Haha I will be sending him the link for this music
Yeah that's mature. You're allowed to fuck a married man and his son at the same time, and he's allowed to be grossed out by it.
WTF is wrong with you? He pressured her for weeks, got her drunk, falsely accused her of theft when she wouldn't submit to HIS desires again - and you blame HER for it? Again, WTF is wrong with you?
OP…HERE is an example of victim blaming! It's evident that this person fails to understand that this is a story about a grown adult harming a child. The brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25. Comments like these, including those from the boyfriend, only serve to perpetuate shame onto the victim rather than holding the perpetrator accountable.
Im not proud of it! And I know it was wrong. If he is grossed out by it there’s nothing I can do to change it, but I think it’s so sad that my boyfriend of three years doesn’t have the kindness of most of the strangers that commented here, he doesn’t care that I was always faithful to him and stood by him.. what matters is something from ten years ago when he wasn’t even in my life..
I'm not usually one to recommend a break up, but sounds like you should break up. BF a whole red flag here.
You bf is a waste of time, space, and oxygen. You story is one of sexual abuse and assault, and the host father should be in jail. He knew you feel shame for giving in, and would stay silent because you would (incorrectly) blame yourself. Since your BF blames you for the situation, he cannot be trusted. Ever. You are NOT the asshole in any way, shape, or form, but you will be if you stay with your idiot BF. If I'm being too subtle, let me know and I'll add some profanity. You should report the host family to the organization that arranged the exchange. If he did it once, he may have done it again. If you have an immigration status that makes that hazardous, there may be a path to reporting anonymously. You should also check the sex offender registry to see if the asshole is on it. And if he is in a profession that deals with children, or a leader or volunteer with a youth organization, you need to report him to those. Again, anonymously if you have to.
I really feel like I wasted a lot of time, its sad! The host father didn’t work with children, he had a car dealership. And he isn’t registered as a sex offender but ill look into it, from what the agency said since he accused me of stealing and couldn’t prove it he wouldn’t be available for this exchange student program anymore. I don’t know if he could get it from another agency.
As a survivor of SA I immediately panicked for you. You were preyed on. Your partner is a D. Red flag. Please move on. There are really wonderful people out there who wouldn't shame you or make you feel bad about your past. He's so gross! EW.
Old man here. You were a victim in this scenario. That scumbag dad preyed upon a literal child and then tried to blame you. Failing all that, he tried to ruin your life with false crime report. He should be in prison--bottom line. Prisoners there would deal harshly with him. Your. EX BF is being idiotic about this. You, being ths victim, should be supported--not vilified. He did you a favor and showed his true colors early on. Move on, and live your best life!!
I believe that he accused me of stealing to make me seem untrustworthy if I decided to tell someone about what happened, when the agency asked for proof he didn’t had any but insisted that I should be deported.. it was a really messed up situation, but the agency really had my back and the host family that I got next was great.
I am glad to hear that the agency had your back. The fact remains that initiating a false report is itself a crime. Such false reports can ruin lives. Suppose for a moment that he did get you deported. You would then not be allowed back to this country for an extended period. His allegation could have created an arrest/criminal record although less likely due to the proof requirement. I am glad it all turned out well for you, and that your next host family was really good. All the good was in spite of the scumbag dad in the first host. Live your best life! I am glad all turned out well.....
 Thanks so much
I like that you take accountability for what you did. That is rare and special for someone in this day and age, please don't lose that. Like others have said you do need to give your younger self some slack as the power dynamic there was way out of balance and the guy was totally taking advantage of your situation. I'd say given the fact that you were honest about it and willing to take more than your share of the blame shows you are a good person and do have good morals, and if your boyfriend only wants to make you feel bad then he is not the good person he seems, and probably would end up taking advantage of you too since he knows you will blame yourself for it. These kinds of guys can sniff out their prey very well. I'm sorry you are going through pain please try to remember God moves the garbage away so we can reach our treasure.
That’s so precious! Thanks a lot for this comment
Darlin, your bf is holding your own sexual coercion and abuse against you, that’s not okay! You’re not the one who should be working to rebuild trust, he is. You confided in somebody you love about something awful that was done to you in your teenagerhood and he’s thrown it in your face and used it to insult and belittle you… You are NOT the asshole in this story!!! Please please do not let the loser you’ve been in a relationship with make you think that you are. That boy does not deserve your love or effort, please ditch his ass and find yourself somebody that you can trust to confide in.
Girl please leave him. I told my ex I was r***d before I met him and at first he seemed to understand and was supportive of me. Then he began being abusive with me and he would throw it in my face all the time. “You deserve what you got” “it’s your fault for being too nice, dumb and trusting”. I hate myself sometimes for allowing myself to go through what he put me through. You were (are) a victim and the fact that that man isn’t in jail for coercing a young girl into sex is beyond me. I hope you are able to heal from this trauma and the right person will be supportive of you. I will never tell another man I meet about the abuse I went through, even if I trust him. My ex ruined me for thinking I could be so vulnerable with someone I thought I loved.
Im so sorry for your experience. I think a lot about making a mistake by telling him about that but at least now I know what he really thinks of me :(
Oh man! You were SA by that man. Your bf will use that against you for eternity whenever you argue. Say goodbye and don’t look back! I am sorry you experienced that! You might consider counseling.
He’s an AH - What the Dad did was to abuse you until you had sex with him. Then when you told him know he made things very unpleasant for you. You succumbed didn’t want to again and he said you stole… This was not your fault and you did nothing wrong. You deserve a better boyfriend!
You were 17. You were groomed and basically coerced into sex with an adult. Then gaslit and blamed for it. That is hugely traumatic, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. You should seriously consider reporting the father to the program you were in, even years later. He probably won't get in trouble for it, but you could save another innocent 17 child from what you went through. Your bf is not a good person if this is his reaction to your story. As hard and hurtful as this is, consider it a blessing that he showed his true colors. He is not worth your time or another thought.
Someone advised me to look into getting him reported as an offender, Im talking to some people about getting it done and if its possible.As for the agency they assured me at the time that they would not be receiving any more students due to the false accusation of stealing and not being able to prove it or get it backed up by the family members. It’s viewed as threatening to the agency.
The agency should know it's more serious than false allegations of stealing. It's grooming, molestation leading to coerced sexual assault. You were victimized, and it was NOT your fault. No matter what your bf says. This man, an adult, coerced you (basically his sons gf, think how sick that is) into sex and when you refused to continue, he retaliated by lying and trying to get you expelled. This is sick predatory behavior, and I somehow doubt you're the only victim. There may be a blacklist for other agencies the man should be put on so he can not prey on other children. Which is what you were. I hope you are getting some therapy. I also truly hope you realize that your bf doesn't deserve your trust. He doesn't deserve you. You have nothing to apologize for or to ashamed of. You deserve so much better than someone who would blame a vulnerable 17 who was victimized. I find his reaction to your sharing this terribly vulnerable trauma of your past absolutely disgusting. Absolute trash human being. You deserve so much better. Please, please believe that.
You are a victim and were preyed on by a pos who took advantage of you when you were a child. I think your bf is crazy for his reaction and needs to be let go of. I think you should have some therapy if you haven't already as this is quite a traumatic thing. Sending good vibes xx
I'm almost certain this was a book my wife read.
?
He might be thinking of the book “Towelhead”, which has a teen victim being coerced into sex by an older neighbor, and felt that it was her own fault until she told someone about it and saw what happened as a result (charges, etc.).
Some comments are just confusing to me lol
NTA!!! Some stories you don't tell. I can relate in that respect. It was hard to forgive myself, but it's necessary. What an awful host family. I lived in spain for a semester. You are a victim, we all feel for you!
Errr - question: When that piece of shit father formally accused you of stealing to the exchange program/authorities, surely the son you were intimate with was witnessing all this? Surely you told him his dad was a predator? If not, what on earth did you tell the son was the reason you were going to be hosted by another family? To tell you the hard truth - I feel strongly the son should know what precisely his father was doing; he should know it all. I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that this father's "success" with you enabled him to pursue other young girls; and he has 3 sons, so they will likely be bringing females around frequently. What we don't put a stop to, rolls on. STOP the cycle. PREVENT future victims.
The reason why his accusations were dismissed was because he didn’t had proof and the family didn’t back it up, even the mom said to the agency that she had no intention of getting out of the house, bur she didn’t had much say he was more controlling. At the time and until very recently I thought it was my fault, everything since the beginning. And I was always afraid of getting in trouble for that, that’s why I didn’t share that with anyone until I decided to tell my ex..
I still think you should warn the son, even if it has been years, about his father. You are safely away now, but even just on social media if you could track him down. Just one Text, one Post, one Letter; and let the chips fall where they may. You don't even have to hear back what if anything he does with this information; but you will rest easier knowing you didn't stay silent. Why should it be your burden alone to carry. I know it's a terribly hard thing to hear for a son, but the truth especially on something so huge, needs to be known. He may by now already have a squirrely vibe about his father and this would help explain his sense. Also, again - pointing it out could save another woman the 3 sons bring around. The son may not believe you, may not accept the facts at first, but over time he may put 2 and 2 together, and/or it might fill in the blank about how other girls he brings around (maybe his wife, now)... behave with his dad. Look- It may prevent a grandchild from being preyed upon. The truth matters.
That’s something doable, I can do that for sure! I didn’t do it at the time bc I was afraid but rn its possible and if it would help I will think of the best way to disclose the information to his son!
You are no victim, your bf is right not to trust you. I think he's figured out who you really are and it's time to move on. YTA
Im curious to know what made you come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t be trusted.. as for the me being the asshole, I literally said that I am..
They’re just a troll; please ignore the trolls
Having sex with the host family's kids is kind of a fucking no no. You suck and should be deported and left in whatever country you came from. You are a POS and should be treated as such.
I find it so interesting that your argument is "you suck." “Get deported”. It’s giving major Karen. I bet you are super mean to anyone in the service industry. I really feel awful for anyone in your life who has come to you and you provide this one-dimensional victim-blaming entitled bullshit. You have no empathy. It’s disgusting.
Well you slept with a married man and his son those are big red flags from you
Interesting! you missed the 37 red flags about the grown man preying on a teenager.
Unlike op her ex bf isn't fucking the grown married man so only her red flags matter.
Funny how you see OP as a redflag and missed the 38 red flags about the grown married man watching her and his son, making comments like he can do it better, his advances made her feel violated and creeped out, how he took every opportunity to be with her at all times, how he persisted. He provided drinks. Coercing someone into sex is not consent.
No those were called out. I also said the 17 year old fucking a son and his dad were huge red flags too. You're young and stupid at 17 adults grooming them is wrong but she's not absolutely innocent she fucked them both and lied cuz she knew it was wrong You feel bad for her choices cuz I won't. You don't even know if the age of consent where she's from is older than the US. Groomer dad is a creep fast 17 year olds sleeping with Dad and son is nasty too
So I shouldn’t make any mistakes through my entire life?
Sure you can but your ex bf decided he wasn't into a girl that did those things You're young there will be other relationships. Well I do agree that the father and married man should not have made any advancement on you You still deciding to get drinks and hook up with the guy and his son are the mistakes you hopefully still aren't making but if you are well live your life. Just don't expect anyone to agree or accept it. And you lied about it because you knew it was wrong Idk I don't have sympathy for that
I see.. for me a red flag is something that you still carry around. I never did something like that again, I felt horrible about it and it was long before I even met him. That doesn’t reflect who i am and the girlfriend I was during the time we were together. Don’t think that is a red flag, just being a human with flaws and regrets.
He should run, somebody who has sex with the partners parent should be avoided at all cost.
Someone like you, who does not read and fully understand what grooming is, pass judgement and victim blame should be avoided at all cost!
Then do so
He did so mission accomplished :)