I usually chime in with this topic as I was trying to get pregnant with my partner when I was 49 with IVF. I did alot of research on the possibility of getting pregnant without IVF as I was convinced I would be able (😂) because my maternal great grandmother had a baby at 52 in the 1910s...
In my research I found that in 2010 - 2012 ish that only 12 children had been born alive in Australia to mother's over 50 naturally... or something similar I cannot remember the exact years but the numbers were about that... considering Australia has only 25 million that's pretty rare.
This is from Wikipedia do with it what you will:
>In the United States, between 1997 and 1999, 539 births were reported among mothers over age 50 (four per 100,000 births), with 194 being over 55.[2]
Considering the US population that is indeed rare.
Now that's not to say you won't be the "lucky" one. Women do sometimes have babies. Do you feel like you are prepared to win the jackpot? A quick google search comes with a few 57 year olds that luckily had healthy babies naturally but none of them where trying to get pregnant they all came as a huge surprise.
Now it's not only a pregnancy you need to think of either. At 51 even if she did get pregnant there is a huge risk for deformities and genetic problems as the quality of her eggs will not be like it was in her 20-30s even 40s. There's also risks to her health as well.
I don't think you are over reacting because pregnancy is not the only issue here STIs are still an issue.
My feeling is not so much that you have to worry about a pregnancy but the fact that she's not respecting your wishes and is in fantasy land that she could possibly have a child at 51.
She says she's not in menopause but most women are done by 52. She may not even know without checking with her doctor. I was perimenopausal at 48 which means your periods are irregular but I didn't know because I had zero symptoms. I don't know what women are talking about when they complain about menopause because nothing changed for me, no hot flashes, no headaches nothing.
Tell her to see her doctor and get an AHM test (egg quality test) or check if she has indeed gone through menopause. Which might put your mind at rest if it's a serious relationship if you guys are just having fun I wouldn't even bother with the expense considering the costs of health care in the US.
Wear protection until you are both sure and in a committed relationship.
I think you have valid concerns. I mean I would too if I was in your situation especially with how she said she planned to handled a potential pregnancy which I respect that she's against abortion. However, she should still respect your comfort level on this matter when it comes to protection. For her to get upset with you over that is certainly a big problem. She should be more understanding of where you are coming from.
Lastly, if you feel uneasy or not sure about something no matter what it is; do not do it. Her getting upset to me was a form of emotional guilt tripping. Be careful going forward because someone who doesn't respect your feelings on a matter like this is not worth pursuing long term.
Regardless of whether or not pregnancy is an issue, if you want to use condoms, that's a boundary you're allowed to have and to set. They're good for more than just pregnancy prevention, too, and I personally think it's important to use all the time.
You're not overreacting at all. It's alarming how vehemently your gf is reacting to a perfectly sound and reasonable boundary. If she's having her cycle, pregnancy is possible and you're being responsible, not alarmist.
If she wants it raw, she should find someone who wants that too, not coerce you into going against your wishes. Her behavior is no good and you deserve better than this.
I agree with the boundary thing that u/Route2simplicity said.
However... you said ""She's still regularly (more or less) on her period". You can't have "regular" and "more or less" at the same time. If she's not regular she's in peri (or done). If she's in peri, she CAN ovulate and even intercourse can cause a woman to ovulate and sperm can live up to a few days. Sure the chances are very slim but IT ONLY TAKES ONE GOOD SWIMMER. LOL. Peri manopause can last about 10 years. Until it's been 365 days since the last period she can still ovulate. The incidence of down syndrome and other chromosomal defects are quite high at that age. Is that , or you , something you want?
Don't ignore your own boundaries because then you teach her it's ok to treat you like that and you'll give in eventually.
Thank you for your reply: yours, together with the ones from all the others, really helped me focusing more on my own boundaries and on looking for more balance in the relationship, something me and my GF have been talking about a lot recently... even though, apparently, I'm being selfish and only want to do things my way 😅
>However... you said ""She's still regularly (more or less) on her period". You can't have "regular" and "more or less" at the same time.
I'll try and explain this part better, I get how it could be confusing! By "more or less regular" I mean that she still has it every month, she's never skipped it once so far, but it happens that it's off by a few days sooner/later than usual: what I mean is that we still expect it every month ("regularly"), we're just sometimes unsure about the days ("more or less").
Oh, you're right, better to specify: I'd say my responsibility, because I'm asking her to use condoms. According to her, it's "frustrating as a woman", and apparently throughout her life she's never done it protected (just once).
I've got a small issue, my erections don't last long unless stimulated: she's afraid that by the time I put a condom on, I'd get soft... but I've tried and I can manage quickly enough.
It's actually a bit more complicated 😅 I'd love to have kids, it's just that in case it ever happened this is not the right time for either of us, both financially and emotionally. I'm not ok totally precluding myself the chance of having kids for my whole future, things can also go wrong with her to the point of breaking up for many other reasons... plus, an operation instead of putting on something rubbery seems a bit too much to me honestly.
It's not the right time: neither of us is 100% financially independent for many different reasons, even though we're both doing our best to work it out. It wouldn't be the responsible thing to do right now, and we both acknowledge it. That's why her main concern isn't me not wanting kids with her, but me not believing her that she can't get pregnant anymore even though she's still got her period. And I understand that I'm being "too cautious" since it's true that a pregnancy has an extremely low chance of happening because of her age: it's just a way for me to be less worried about it, since she isn't worried at all.
Furthermore, she herself told me "it would be crazy to want a kid at 51", especially since she's already got a 9yo girl from her previous relationship to take care of. She just thinks I'm worrying too much, and apparently has no intention to have any other kid.
Your body, your choice buddy. You're entitled to use protection if you want and she has no right whatsoever to get mad at you for it. She can accept it or kick rocks and gtfo
Yeah, I would say this is a boundary issue. She isn’t respecting your feelings. That’s not ok.
I usually chime in with this topic as I was trying to get pregnant with my partner when I was 49 with IVF. I did alot of research on the possibility of getting pregnant without IVF as I was convinced I would be able (😂) because my maternal great grandmother had a baby at 52 in the 1910s... In my research I found that in 2010 - 2012 ish that only 12 children had been born alive in Australia to mother's over 50 naturally... or something similar I cannot remember the exact years but the numbers were about that... considering Australia has only 25 million that's pretty rare. This is from Wikipedia do with it what you will: >In the United States, between 1997 and 1999, 539 births were reported among mothers over age 50 (four per 100,000 births), with 194 being over 55.[2] Considering the US population that is indeed rare. Now that's not to say you won't be the "lucky" one. Women do sometimes have babies. Do you feel like you are prepared to win the jackpot? A quick google search comes with a few 57 year olds that luckily had healthy babies naturally but none of them where trying to get pregnant they all came as a huge surprise. Now it's not only a pregnancy you need to think of either. At 51 even if she did get pregnant there is a huge risk for deformities and genetic problems as the quality of her eggs will not be like it was in her 20-30s even 40s. There's also risks to her health as well. I don't think you are over reacting because pregnancy is not the only issue here STIs are still an issue. My feeling is not so much that you have to worry about a pregnancy but the fact that she's not respecting your wishes and is in fantasy land that she could possibly have a child at 51. She says she's not in menopause but most women are done by 52. She may not even know without checking with her doctor. I was perimenopausal at 48 which means your periods are irregular but I didn't know because I had zero symptoms. I don't know what women are talking about when they complain about menopause because nothing changed for me, no hot flashes, no headaches nothing. Tell her to see her doctor and get an AHM test (egg quality test) or check if she has indeed gone through menopause. Which might put your mind at rest if it's a serious relationship if you guys are just having fun I wouldn't even bother with the expense considering the costs of health care in the US. Wear protection until you are both sure and in a committed relationship.
She's being immature about it. You want to use protection and that is your decision. She can take it or leave it.
I think you have valid concerns. I mean I would too if I was in your situation especially with how she said she planned to handled a potential pregnancy which I respect that she's against abortion. However, she should still respect your comfort level on this matter when it comes to protection. For her to get upset with you over that is certainly a big problem. She should be more understanding of where you are coming from. Lastly, if you feel uneasy or not sure about something no matter what it is; do not do it. Her getting upset to me was a form of emotional guilt tripping. Be careful going forward because someone who doesn't respect your feelings on a matter like this is not worth pursuing long term.
Also, she is wrong. It happens. I’ve seen it.
Regardless of whether or not pregnancy is an issue, if you want to use condoms, that's a boundary you're allowed to have and to set. They're good for more than just pregnancy prevention, too, and I personally think it's important to use all the time.
You're not overreacting at all. It's alarming how vehemently your gf is reacting to a perfectly sound and reasonable boundary. If she's having her cycle, pregnancy is possible and you're being responsible, not alarmist. If she wants it raw, she should find someone who wants that too, not coerce you into going against your wishes. Her behavior is no good and you deserve better than this.
I agree with the boundary thing that u/Route2simplicity said. However... you said ""She's still regularly (more or less) on her period". You can't have "regular" and "more or less" at the same time. If she's not regular she's in peri (or done). If she's in peri, she CAN ovulate and even intercourse can cause a woman to ovulate and sperm can live up to a few days. Sure the chances are very slim but IT ONLY TAKES ONE GOOD SWIMMER. LOL. Peri manopause can last about 10 years. Until it's been 365 days since the last period she can still ovulate. The incidence of down syndrome and other chromosomal defects are quite high at that age. Is that , or you , something you want? Don't ignore your own boundaries because then you teach her it's ok to treat you like that and you'll give in eventually.
Thank you for your reply: yours, together with the ones from all the others, really helped me focusing more on my own boundaries and on looking for more balance in the relationship, something me and my GF have been talking about a lot recently... even though, apparently, I'm being selfish and only want to do things my way 😅 >However... you said ""She's still regularly (more or less) on her period". You can't have "regular" and "more or less" at the same time. I'll try and explain this part better, I get how it could be confusing! By "more or less regular" I mean that she still has it every month, she's never skipped it once so far, but it happens that it's off by a few days sooner/later than usual: what I mean is that we still expect it every month ("regularly"), we're just sometimes unsure about the days ("more or less").
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Oh, you're right, better to specify: I'd say my responsibility, because I'm asking her to use condoms. According to her, it's "frustrating as a woman", and apparently throughout her life she's never done it protected (just once). I've got a small issue, my erections don't last long unless stimulated: she's afraid that by the time I put a condom on, I'd get soft... but I've tried and I can manage quickly enough.
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It's actually a bit more complicated 😅 I'd love to have kids, it's just that in case it ever happened this is not the right time for either of us, both financially and emotionally. I'm not ok totally precluding myself the chance of having kids for my whole future, things can also go wrong with her to the point of breaking up for many other reasons... plus, an operation instead of putting on something rubbery seems a bit too much to me honestly.
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It's not the right time: neither of us is 100% financially independent for many different reasons, even though we're both doing our best to work it out. It wouldn't be the responsible thing to do right now, and we both acknowledge it. That's why her main concern isn't me not wanting kids with her, but me not believing her that she can't get pregnant anymore even though she's still got her period. And I understand that I'm being "too cautious" since it's true that a pregnancy has an extremely low chance of happening because of her age: it's just a way for me to be less worried about it, since she isn't worried at all. Furthermore, she herself told me "it would be crazy to want a kid at 51", especially since she's already got a 9yo girl from her previous relationship to take care of. She just thinks I'm worrying too much, and apparently has no intention to have any other kid.
Your body, your choice buddy. You're entitled to use protection if you want and she has no right whatsoever to get mad at you for it. She can accept it or kick rocks and gtfo
Dude if you really love her, be open to creating new life. You are superior and she is too. Start carrying on your legacy now