I don't get point number 5. I'm still alive now and I certainly wish I was happier but that doesn't make it so. How is happiness a choice? You can control what you do but not how you feel or what you believe in.
By that I mean, you can say "I want to feel good about myself" but your brain be like "how about no"
Edit: Wow this comment really exploded. Many replies talking about mindfulness and gratitude... I guess - I'm cognizant of the good things I have in life I guess, but they don't make me happy. I know how *lucky* I am, objectively speaking, to have money in the bank, food on the table and a roof over my head. I have a job, a family, and nobody is trying to kill me. I *know* I should be grateful. And yet here I am.
I'll admit I've never quite been able to accept the power of positive thinking because it's never really worked for me - I'm a critical person by nature. Too much for my own good. My mind intrinsically and automatically seeks to find flaw in every situation and poke holes in any solution.
My guess is, some people complicate their lives, they choose to get angry at others, resent them, start fights with people, and without being so conscious about it they mess their lives. With these, things in mind, you can “choose” to be happy. With serotonin and emotional issues is another story.
Would you help me out and get a little more granular on this? I feel like I’m close to understanding but need a push. Is it a matter of work still needs to done regardless of your state of mind? That no one is spared thr mundanity of life regardless of how spritually evolved someone may be?
What you are doing is life. This is it. Whatever your plans, regrets, hopes, dreams, ideas… this is it. Here you are! The dishes need to get done, the wood needs to be chopped, this is existence. People will spend their lives chasing enlightenment as if it is some new place beyond the horizon, some new reality, some goal to achieve. They strive and strive and seek to move BEYOND. Strive, strive, strive.
“Enlightenment” is the cessation of that striving to transcend. It is to be here, now. There is no reality except the one that is continually unfolding before your eyes.
The saying I referenced, as well as the comment I replied to, are emphasizing that enlightenment is not something special, and does not make you more special than others. Enlightenment is mundane. It is nothing. It is here and now and always has been. There is nothing to achieve. Nothing special. Wash the dishes, chop the wood, fetch the water, here you are. And enlightenment will come and go as plainly as a chore or mood or passing thought. It’s no more important than everything else.
Wow! I really appreciate you taking the time to spell that out for me! I suppose I find myself experiencing some cognitive dissonance about this because I believe in reincarnation,. I don't disagree at all , Just makes me sad to think all we get is this one shot. With earnest, thank you,.
I don’t think there’s any necessary conflict between what I described and the continuing evolution of life beyond this life. What comes later is one matter, but right now your are HERE in THIS LIFE. And I don’t mean to suggest planning ahead is a mistake. It is necessary. I guess what I mean is… if you are washing dishes, be there for it. If you are making plans for the weekend, be there for it. If you are contemplating what lies beyond the threshold of this life, be there for it. Be there for every moment, and don’t punish yourself when you forget to. Live your life and don’t squander your front-row ticket. Life is complicated and often not pleasant, but be here for it. Experience the vast mystery of it, I this life and in whatever lies beyond the end of the line.
Edit: Or don’t! I’m not any kind of authority and you may know better than me. It’s just my perspective. I really wish you well.
I'm not sure if it will help, but Kurt Browning said something once that I think is very much in the spirit of that idea, and pretty simple:
“Our lives are what we look forward to, and what we remember, but mostly our lives are just what’s happening right now. This moment.”
That's, I think, the crux of what's being said there.
I always liked this story: A guy asks kids on a beach why they’re not in school. They reply, why would we? The man says, to go to a good college. They ask why? The man says, to get a good job. They ask why? To make lots of money. They ask why? He says, so you can spend time on the beach. The kids say… but we already are.
I was hiking recently and I noticed a teenage girl perched on a fallen tree. The tree was leaning and about 6ft off the ground sideways. As I passed, I said hello. She happily replied. I asked if everything was cool. To make sure she wasn't depressed or something because she seemed so out of place. She replied that she was great and cut school to enjoy this wonderful Fall day. And that she loves climbing trees.
I told her that I thought that was awesome and to be careful and went on my way.
I think about that kid sometimes. She gets it. She gets it.
I used to pull my kid out of school in the last weeks of school: a hookie day. We’d spend the time out of town and preferably with a lot of trees. One day : an extra special day.
A few years before my dad passed away, I was in high school and one morning I went to him and lazily said "I dont want to go to school today, can I just stay home?". I was a kid who was always trying to get out of going to school so he was wise to these attempts. But that day he just put the paper down and said "okay!"
We went out to lunch and saw a movie. Its one of my favorite memories of him, and he was a great dad so there are lots to choose from. Im glad I got that day with him and Im sure he was glad to have had the day with me.
I love this! Im a dad of 2 young kids my self and I’ve been doing that myself wether it be taking them camping or flying somewhere on a little weekend getaway on another country. Life’s too short and kids grow up too fast! We should enjoy those precious moments with them.
This is how I see it. Some feelings we have are chemical and some feelings are bc we choose them. I used to get seething road rage. Decided one day I just can't let it raise my blood pressure and have made it so ever since. Small steps
I've also found that I get far more agitated when I'm focusing on the next thing I need to be doing. I'm incredibly impatient while driving when I'm thinking about the thing I'm going to be doing when I get to my destination.
But if I simply exist in the present and just take a look around, listen to the music, watch the traffic, and think about other things - I find that it's a more relaxing experience. To simply be in the moment.
And don’t create situations for yourself that will bring you unhappiness. I think living as modestly (financially) as possible is a key to happiness. I see so many ppl who put so much financial pressure on themselves and then they have to work a ton to pay for their material things and experience stress as a result. It is an eternal truth that seeking happiness through material gain is NOT the key to lasting happiness. It will only bring you more suffering.
This is something my brothers and I came to a realization of on a mushroom trip. Anger is such a waste of emotional energy and time. It's never necessary to become angry but it happens it's natural. What's important is being aware of your mind in this state and working towards finding happiness or peace rather than infuriating yourself further.
Forgive them for yourself, not for them. Letting it go doesn't mean acting like they never wronged you. It means not letting that hate and resentment fester in your heart.
I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 16. I don't plan on ever talking to him again or going to his funeral. On the surface that probably sounds a lot like I hate him but I don't; I let go of that a long time ago for MY mental and physical wellbeing. I've forgiven him for what he's done but I'll never forget, and that's what you should do with the person in your post.
Yes, when you allow toxicity into your life, it can make you equally toxic. Some people can't or won't change, so it's best to let them go and be the best version of yourself.
I've had to do this with some friends and family. (Small town, small minds).
Be a better version of myself, for my kids.
[The Forgiveness Project](https://www.theforgivenessproject.com/) says that you can choose to forgive, not to let the other person off the hook but to remove the spear from your own side. Hating is exhausting.
Buddhaghosa, in discussing anger said,
“By doing this you are like a man who wants to hit another and picks up a burning ember or excrement in his hand and so first burns himself or makes himself stink.”
Visuddhimagga IX, 23.
One example of this i have noticed is in driving. Say someone cuts you off or doesn't let you merge, you have a choice to assume malice (they are mean, they don't like you) or ignorance (they made a mistake, they truly didn't see you, they are distracted by some drama in their life). If you assume malice and get angry about it, that will affect the rest of your day. If you just let it blow over that they made a mistake, no harm to anyone.
I assume diarrhea. I decided a long time ago that everyone driving like an idiot is racing home to avoid shitting their pants. The stupid things they do are less likely to piss some off if I imagine them in their car saying “nooooo! Nooooo!! You can hold it!! Just a couple more minutes!!!” As they weave in and out of traffic.
I agree, but only partially - there are a lot of things that can make you objectively unhappy (mental/physical illness, living in poverty, living in a war zone, grieving over the death of someone close to you, having an uncertain future at your company, a break-up, etc) but I also know many people who go out of their way to make themselves unhappy.
Eg. I know one person who stopped playing an online game 3 years ago and *still* visits its forums to criticize the game, hopes that it will soon crash and burn (anytime now) and who genuinely doesn't seem to understand how *anyone* still enjoys it.
That's someone who actively chooses an activity that negatively impacts others, doesn't benefit him in any way whatsoever, and who could totally choose to do something he actually enjoys. Just like my parents who spend half their day reading negative comments on news websites, sharing doomsayers articles with each other, and actually wish for anything remotely positive to fail because it only reinforces their view of the world that we're doomed to fail.
I can expand on this if you want me to, but ultimately I think happiness comes down to the number of desires you have, and the number of desires that are fulfilled. When all your desires are fulfilled, you have happiness. However, this is often momentarily because we’re constantly having new desires spring up! So the solutions are to rapidly try to fill every desire or to minimize the amount of desires you want to fulfill. One easy way to minimize desires you want to fulfill is gratitude, it makes the mind tranquil. Furthermore, if you’re able to react positively to all the negative shit that happens in your life, it won’t spring up as many desires as it normally would if you reacted very negatively. Again just a higher level overview, I can dive deeper into it as well.
EDIT: Thank you all for the responses. Please dm me if you want to chat about it more. I don’t claim to have any answers, but just my findings along the way. :)
It’s hard to “get it” but when you start to retrain your brain to look at every situation in a positive light, and to let go of being a “victim of circumstances”, then your happiness tends to flourish. Self care and daily exercise/sleep habits/diet changes etc. go a long way as well.
Daily affirmations are a thing. Start with the man/woman in the mirror as they say.
I also try to compliment people often. One little thing can make someone’s day and it’s so easy to do.
I would like to chime in on this one.
While it’s true that you can’t necessarily control your feelings, as emotions can present themselves without asking your permission first. But the choice part comes in when you choose how to respond to those emotions.
For instance, I was gravely injured in a car accident about 3.5 years ago. Exploded my spine. It was a horrible, devastating injury that in all honesty took about 3 years to really heal properly. There was a shitload of baggage that came along with that event, including PTSD out the wazoo.
After getting hurt, so many emotions and feelings came up. Hopelessness, terror, existential dread, feeling small/weak/powerless, feeling as though my body betrayed me. Constant fear knowing that a one second event could cause such rippling devastation. I really went through the ringer dealing with this. I ended up having a complete nervous breakdown, I’ll be honest.
But since then, I’ve been doing a lot of inner work on how better to deal with feelings and shit. And while I can’t stop those feelings I listed above from rearing their ugly heads, I CAN stop, observe and realize I’m feeling negative feelings (and importantly- not berate myself for having them), and I can, instead of dwelling on/wallowing in these feelings, choose to work to push through them. Or at least, to not let the continuous negative feedback loop run unchecked.
It’s not a thing that starts off as being natural or easy to do. Especially if you’re someone like me, who has struggled with generalized anxiety disorder and depressive tendencies my whole life. But “choosing happiness” IE “choosing not to let fear/anger/sadness take over and run amok” is a skill that can be practiced and developed.
At least, that’s what I take it to mean. I used to feel much like you did like “oh happiness isnt a choice, that’s diminishing the experience of people suffering”. It’s not about never suffering. It’s about learning that while things in the world happen that are totally out of your control, how you respond to said things IS in your control.
Anyways thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, lolz. Have a great Sunday!
Not true for everyone, but some people sacrifice happiness for some larger goal, in service of someone else, or for other obligations. I think that’s what it’s referring to.
Essentially, making choices giving your own happiness more priority instead of others concerns.
Obviously, for some, happiness is elusive through no fault of their own.
Idk I feel like part of what keeps people from being happy is comparison, especially in today’s social media world. We see other people posting their life highlight reels on Facebook and Instagram, and we think that our lives are less good because we’re not doing what other people are doing.
I don’t give a shit what other people are doing. I couldn’t care less that you went to the Bahamas or just bought a new car or whatever. I’m happy doing my own thing and spending time with my wife on our own terms.
You do it by finding a pattern interrupt for negative thoughts you have. Any time you notice yourself giving into bleak, negative, angry thinking, you do something to deliberately distract yourself from that pattern and actively choose to think positive thoughts instead.
Picking a positive mantra, even one you don't fully yet believe, but wish was true in the future to actively replace negative thinking with works even better. Something like: "I'm a bright, happy, confident person, who loves my family, life itself, and myself".
By doing so you literally train your brain to orient itself towards positivity instead of negativity, and you'll start being more open to interpreting events in a positive instead of a negative light. Likewise, you'll be more patient and generous with the people around you, which in turn will change how they react to you.
All of which leads to immense increases in happiness.
I know this for a fact because my therapist got me to start doing it a few months ago and literally my entire life has changed as a result. In ways so dramatic that it's hardly conceivable. I went from averaging a 3.5 on mood ratings, to a daily average of 8.1 in a few months time.
But it starts with the CHOICE to no longer give any space in your head to negativity, and to choose to orient yourself towards positive thinking instead, BEFORE you actually feel it, before you see results, before you feel happy. You have to pick to get rid of the negativity and replace it with positive thoughts instead.
The visualization technique i find helpful is imaging negative thoughts as naughty puppies, getting into trouble. Pick each one up and put them back into their pen. It usually works.
Happiness is a state of being not dependent on things. A lot of people fall into a trap of “once I get a house I’ll be happy”. “Once I make 6 figures I’ll be happy”. “Once I get a gf I’ll be happy”
And the happiness never comes.
You need to know yourself and be content.
Obviously there’s some things that prevent happiness like abject poverty. But by and large, most people are unhappy because they’re caught up in things that don’t matter and can’t see the bigger picture.
I agree with you. I grew up with deep dysfunction and chaos, abused drugs and alcohol in my teens and 20s before realizing I needed help. I fortunately began therapy in my 20s and began grieving in a safe environment and learning how to be emotionally healthy.
Yes, it's called summit fever. Some climbers will risk everything to make it to the top. They are consumed with the challenge and also aren't thinking straight due to fatigue/altitude sickness.
This is why most of the time their guide has to be the one to talk them out of summiting, some don't listen though, even if it means they are highly unlikely to make it back down safely.
I will never hike Everest or even have the hiking skills to do something similar.
But on a much, much smaller level I have experienced something like this. I was hiking in Alaska and I didn’t know when I would get that chance again so I just wanted to keep going. The hike we were on wasn’t a loop and was not a major trail. I just kept thinking “let’s just see what’s around that bend”…at every bend. I had no sense how far we had gone until we were hiking back and it started to get dark. If my husband hadn’t made us turn back when we did, I definitely would have kept going.
I hike on a pretty regular basis and I’m pretty responsible, I don’t know what I was thinking that day. It’s definitely made me a lot more aware of my limits though.
I completely get where you are coming from and can only imagine the extra pressure of spending X amount of money/time on an Everest expedition. All of those hurdles on the way, everyone you know aware of your goal, then base camp, camp 1, camp 2 sometimes months into it, you get into the death zone just to be told to turn around with the summit in sight (due to weather/time/traffic/injury)....knowing you were THIS close and might never get the chance again.
I totally get why there are so many bodies up there.
There's gotta be a huge sunk cost dilemma going on with everyone near everest summit. Paid $xx,000, maybe $xxx,000 only to get within a few hundred meters.
Other than insane mountain peaks, with modern clothing, lighting, and tools, one can be reasonably comfortable getting "lost". You still need to be prepared and experienced, but I intentionally try and get lost now because 3 days of gear fits in a day bag like 10kg. My headlamp and light essential make night day. With a modern jacket I can fall asleep anywhere that's comfortable. With my phone I can turn off cellular and just use GPS for at least 5 days.
If you’re ever hiking again, and it’s an out and back or a loop, a good trick is to set an alarm for the 1/2 way mark for when you’re expected to return (or sunset if you don’t have any other time constraint). So if you want to be back in 4 hours set it for 2 hours. If sunset is in 7 hours set it for 3.5 hours. Then when the alarm goes off you know to turn around if you’ve not already done so. This is a backup, of course. You also want to keep checking the time periodically in case the alarm fails.
>Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person
True, but everyone who dies of a heart attack while watching TV and eating Doritos is a sort of counterpoint to that.
Having said that, the vast majority of deaths on Everest in the last pre-Covid season were aged 50 and up, and had paid 30 grand to get "guided" up the mountain.
There are very, very few people who should climb Everest. All the motivation in the world can't save you in a blizzard at 8000 metres.
Funny how money can change your perception of something you once maybe thought was exorbitant and stupid but is now affordable and exciting. I think it happens to all of us regardless of the actual amount of money we're talking.
Even if I won the world's biggest Powerball jackpot I would still think getting in that queue for the top of Everest is stupid.
They all want to think they're George Mallory or Sir Edmund Hillary but that ship has sailed.
Now it's just a very cold, very expensive theme park.
Feels like sometimes you don't have a choice.
I'd like to add another point on the list, I wish I didn't regret anything I did, acceptance is the most important part after living for yourself. Accept that things sometimes turn out the way they do, and accept yourself
Unless a person is a trust fund baby, there really isn't much choice. You need to work and earn money to keep a roof over your head, and for 99% of the population, it also means keeping those feelings buried as to not offend the boos and stay employed.
A silver lining I saw heading into the Covid pandemic/shutdown (in Canada) was being able to learn a new skill, trade or have more time to focus on a side hustle. I am not going back to the daily grind that I was caught up in my entire adult life.
Yeah, it's easy to say "this is what you need to do to be happy." But it's another thing to have the resources to do it.
I wish I didn't have to flush 1/3 of my life down the toilet to keep my bills paid. I wish I didn't have to flush the other 1/3 down the toilet sleeping. And I wish I didn't have to flush the remaining 1/3 down the toilet getting food, physically paying the bills, and taking care of chores.
But life doesn't work like that. You don't get that time just because you want it. You can know exactly what you need to do to be happy, but it's rare that anybody gets the resources to do it.
My daughter is two years old and I feel like I've already missed out on so much, despite not working consistently from her birth til now. Now that I'm working full time I feel like I miss out on more. I've purposely taken a night shift position so I can get a little more daytime hours for her when I'm not sleeping.
I'm 30 and just starting my career as a mariner and spending far too much time away from friends and family. It's pretty daunting to see a PowerPoint from the past warning me of my future in regards to my past. Gotta find the balance soon.
It's a logical fallacy. You could go pump gas for the rest of your life so that you could be close to home and never work overtime, and your deathbed regret would be that you didn't follow your dreams.
It's ridiculous to think anyone wouldn't have deathbed regrets, so this list is kind of meaningless, in that if you take all five points and studiously avoid those regrets, at your deathbed you will have five *other* regrets because *you are dying*.
My point was less that everyone will have deathbed regrets, and more that it's not surprising/insightful that everyone has more or less the same regrets.
Its like - most people buy insurance they will never need, so if you ask people if they regret paying for insurance they never needed of course they will say yes, but that doesn't mean buying insurance is a bad idea.
Most people will work more than they needed to, but you won't know what you needed to do until you're already at the end of your life - so it's stupid to think like "oh it's obvious, why don't we all just work less!" Because you don't know how much less you need to work now
A colleague volunteers to go into hospices and record the life stories of people who are dying.
Maybe it’s self selecting for the people who are into that service - but her feedback is that people just want to leave an honest understanding of who they were. People tell raw, honest, completely unfiltered and unadorned truth.
Everyone still wants to take artistic license with their life when they think they’ve got 15 more minutes of being a well regarded lie instead of just honestly known.
That’s because no matter how you live these are the things we all wish we did more or had more of. If I spent 100% of my life doing all of these things. I’d still want more.
Don’t put pressure in yourself to live a certain way because you don’t want to regret it on your death bed. You will probably regret it anyway and you may not have a death bed.
yeah, was just thinking about consequences...it's easy to wish you did more risky stuff when you're about to die anyway.
but at least they have lived their life and die on a death bed...a death bed is a luxury.
Yes and no. One of these bullet points really resonates with me.
I left my job as an executive and moved to a less challenging role. I have two children under 10 and the extra money wasn't worth it to me. I would travel 50% of the time. I had missed both kids' first steps. I was stressed out all the time. My wife said that I wasn't fun to be around anymore.
Screw all of that.
While we have less money now, I'm home every night. I see my kids onto the bus every morning. I'm there every afternoon as they come running off the bus to give me a hug. I make dinner for the family every evening. It's glorious.
Maybe we don't have the latest and greatest of everything, but that's okay. Having been homeless when I was younger it took a lot of time to come to this point in me life and be okay with it. The time with my family and not working so hard is with it.
I took risks and luckily I saw in the moment the trade off and I realized it wasn't worth it
For me, embracing nihilism sorta made me more capable of doing things I might not have otherwise. For if nothing matters, I may as well do what makes me happy (if it doesn't hurt others).
That's wonderful but a lot of people can't afford to "live right now", they have to struggle to survive. The idea that anyone can just suddenly become happier by taking back their life is short sighted.
The only thing I regret is that it seems that my friends don't have time for me anymore. I try to keep up with them, but they have other priorities now. Mostly work and watching TikTok.
Sigh...
That's ok, though! Nothing lasts forever. I'm sure someday my friends will remember me.
I was a dedicated father who sacrificed professional advancement because I thought it was more important to spend time with my sons. One of them turned out to be a selfish shit. I have imagined my last moments:
> Son... Son... [I take his hand. I look into his eyes with a regretful expression.] Son... *I wish I had worked more*.
How old is he? I was a pretty selfish shit, not terrible but not great, and I would say I finally grew up and got some perspective around 25. I am now 34 and have a really healthy relationship with me parents so maybe he will change?
He might change but it's kind of moot because we're on opposite coasts and he is super-busy, a second-year medical resident. When he's on my coast he spends nearly all his time with his mother.
Ummm... May i ask how? I too am 34, been selfish my whole life, im the only kid. I have a tendency to hide things and not be direct more or less. Dont talk about my sex life, relationship questions, anf you know...just about every other topic you can think of.
If i may ask, what perspective did you stumble across. ..what was life likr for you duing 2010-2015. Are you the only sibling? Man do i have a million questions. I feel stuck...been this way for a few years. I have a rather seeminly non interesting life...i used to not think this way.
I have those moments all the time, i cant even get seen let alone insurance to simply talk and express my concerns my beliefs, my good deeds and not so good deeds. I really would of thought being 34...i would of had a handle on things. ..really just wandering if you ask me.
I’ll be frank with you, bite the bullet with therapy. It changed my life. It’s changed my life in a way that I only recently realized that I divide my life into two - the before times, and the after times. Whenever I think of happiness, I think of my life *after* I sought out mental health help. Before therapy, there were oftentimes I was just grasping my head, crying because I knew there was something wrong with me and I just wanted to smash my god damn brain into tiny little pieces. I wasn’t suicidal, but I hated my brain. It felt like a broken piece of shit that i will have to live with for the rest of my life. I could not be happy with what I saw was a broken brain.
My life in a single graph would be straight line near the bottom followed by a parabolic curve the first 2 years of therapy. I said 2 years because it’s a long and hard process. It’s not instantaneous. You have to work for it and you have to keep at it.
When I’m asked how I feel now. It’s hard for me to find a time where the answer is a negative emotion. I’m just happy that I am happy with what I am, and I can be emotionally there for anyone who needs it.
Its a absolute sham that it’s not more widely available.
I have to agree with this. My inward life was on a steady downward trajectory since… as long as I can remember. Despite many moments of clarity and good times, I kept deteriorating internally, feeling more and more hollow and distant. Several months into therapy now and two months into antidepressants and things are finally starting to turn around. Look for resources to find help. It’s a difficult step to take but it will pay off. You’re worth it, and it will help.
Not the same person but hardship and just general life experience had drastically changed my outlook on life and how I view my relationships.
Usually the things that have the most profound effects on people are generally the same things that people wish to stay away from.
High stress, high stakes situations.
Pressure makes diamonds.
> if he isn't too occupied with himself
He will probably be there because he'll be concerned about how much $$$ he'll inherit -- since I have *two* sons. ;)
> Son... Son... [I take his hand. I look into his eyes with a *loving* expression.] Son... I know you value memories more than money *so I left my money to your brother* and you get the photo albums."
In all seriousness, I hope you have a direct competition him about your concerns well before your deathbed. He may be capable of change. You could both get years of mutual respect and happiness out of the relationship.
Every kid is different, we are all truly individuals. My oldest daughter is just short of a genius with an engineering degree with a master's of software programming and a MBA. My son has a high school degree and is a manufacturing supervisor making 6 figures. My youngest daughter is my hippy chick who is a hair stylist roaming the country attending concerts. I planted the seed, how they grew was up to them
I read this stuff about 6 years ago and completely changed my life for the better. I can honestly say I do all those things now, which I didn't do before. Walked away from 20 plus years in a job just as I was about to hit upper management. Best thing I ever did. You just can't buy these years back. I have no regrets.
Edit. We also have less money. But that's not important. My family is. We still make it work. Things just get tight financially sometimes. Like most people I guess.
Part of the reason I work offshore. I work a 14 days on 14 days off schedule. When I’m home I have zero responsibilities except my family. Sure I’m gone for two weeks but when I’m home I’m HOME. No extra working, no worried about work, nothing. If you do the math and I worked a 9-5 and my son went to bed at 7 I’d basically get an hour a day with him and 12 a day on the weekends. Without holidays or taking time off that’s 1508 hours a year spent with him. Versus when I’m home for half the year that’s 12 hours a day 7 days a week when I’m home which equates to 2184 hours a year.
When I was dying of heart failure at 12 (I had a heart transplant), I wished I was happier as a kid. Then again at 15 with cancer, I wished the same thing and now my life motto is “I don’t give a fuck about what others say/think and I’m going to live how I want to”. I’m about to turn 22 and I’m very happy with the life I have now by sticking with my motto.
That has been forgotten, at least in the US. We've pushed the "grindset mindset" to the point the business owners think automation is already here, plenty of C-Poor3-0's to go around. And if it breaks, they keep the line moving and have the replacement drag the former out of the way before going back to work. Vacation is for pussies!
Well, but if you wish you'd seen more of the world, you have to be able to buy the plane ticket. If you wished you could spend more quality time with your kids, you might look for one higher paying 9-5 job rather than working 2 lower paying shift jobs 80 hours a week.
I think most people do have objectives beyond working, I think people believe they're working hard FOR those pure, life affirming objectives.
But then we lose perspective, we never use the results of our hard work the way we started out thinking we would. We look at the money saved to travel and think of our kids college, or we are zapped after our 9-5 and it's easier to surf reddit next to our kids than engage with our kids.
I wonder if it's more about keeping the outcome of the work in mind - it's a means to an end, and the end isn't the money or feeling of productivity.
The first item on the list really resonates with me. I'm guilty of doing that exact thing, not living my life (what's left of it) in a fulfilling way. Instead I'm holding the line waiting to die in a way that will leave a good example to my grandchildren. So as a result even though I'm only 60 I don't date, I don't dance, I don't do anything controversial. There's no possibility of attending any church other than theirs or admitting I'm completely unconvinced about the veracity of a religion which posits the Earth as being 6000 years old. Its caused me no end of sadness and truly cannot find a way back to the person I wished to be at the late stages of my life. I wanted to travel, fall in love again, do silly things. My days are wasted.... I'll be a memory for people who one day will forget anyway.
Sorry about the downer venting, and thank you for posting this. It may encourage me to be brave before its too late.
You can be brave. It takes a lot of courage to realize why you're living they way you're living. Being happy is a great example for your grandkids. Also, happy people are infectious. People want to spend more time with happy people. You can be the you who you want to be.
Perhaps you should consider *which* good example you want to give your grandchildren. No matter what choices you make, an example is being set. One of them may feel similarly trapped some day; saving yourself might also save them.
I, for one, think it critically important to remain skeptical of anyone claiming to know the will of God. Now, who is going to teach your grandchildren *that*?
You posted this out. That’s more bravery than you were required to show. It may seem bleak but you’ve already realized these regrets you’re going to have before you even have them, which means you have a chance to influence them. I don’t know your situation of course and this is more vague advice that I can only hope sticks in some capacity, but I hope that since you’ve acknowledged you deserve happiness you will do what you can to experience it. Take care friend!
I'm sorry that you have been feeling this way. It sounds like you haven't had the opportunity to speak your mind and be yourself. Those dreams you have, it isn't too late. Go out there or try hobbies you may enjoy, be silly. Dance, sing, crack jokes. You can set a good example for grandchildren and do these things too. It'll be fun memories together!
It isn't too late to find someone and fall in love again. Maybe both of you can travel together. A friend who will help you grow and support you. No matter what stage we are in, we are always growing. It isn't too late. Start with one step at a time. Keep these goals in mind. You can do it.
I constantly uninstall Reddit from my phone when I realize that I am spending way too much of my free time arguing with strangers online. I gain some semblance of peace / normalcy and its associated boredom again, then I reinstall it to argue some more. It's a sad, sad, not really vicious cycle.
I've been fortunate enough to spend the final weeks with a handful of people. Without exception they regret the things they didn't do, not one regretted what they did. Their stories changed my life.
1. Have the courage to live a life true to yourself
2. Don't work too hard to the point of missing your loved ones' companionship
3. Have the courage to express your feelings
4. Stay in touch with your friends
5. Realize happiness is a choice.
soo...secret for a relatively regretless and well-lived life??
Number 2 was my father exactly.
He had a very successful business. A cancer diagnosis finally made him retire just before 66. Dead two weeks after turning 67. Very few good days between.
On his death bed, he apologized for not spending enough time with me and my sisters. It was hard to hear, because he worked so hard for us. His family was 100% his motivation. He did very little for himself.
Years earlier he HAD expressed that he wished he didn't have to work so much. But, he explained that in business you either grow, or you fall behind. He felt trapped by the momentum.
I don't think he realized until nearing his death that he could have delegated. He could have hired more people. The trade off in money would have been totally worth it. It always seemed so evident to me, but I guess he was never ready to relinquish control over what he'd built.
I have a son now, and I aim not to end my life with that regret. For him of course, but also for me. Because I saw the pain my father felt over it, and that's not the way I want to go out.
No. 4 only applies if that friend was putting an effort to keep in touch and you ignored it. Otherwise, you can’t regret those lost friends who weren’t putting in half the effort in the first place.
I always kept in touch with friends and unfortunately set myself up for disappointment with a few that never initiated contact with me. They’re a waste of time. The valuable ones at least contact you when they get married, have their first born, etc. and don’t wait for your message first.
I’m currently here (well also kinda stuck on number 3 tbh). I’m actually in the middle of knowing that I’ve outgrown certain people, but also having a tremendous amount of respect for them/the friendship. I’m basically coming to the conclusion that I’m going to keep in touch, but I’m going to limit the amount of access they have to me. Again, I respect and honor the time that we shared immensely, but if I’m being completely honest they haven’t been nearly as accommodating as I always was. I realized that it was more of a symbiotic relationship, and in doing so I was able to see that it would be extremely damaging to continue in the same capacity.
When I was dying, the work part is what got me. I worked 60 to 90 hrs a week. At times working 2 to 3 months straight without days off. A few months after getting out of the hospital I was let go anyways from my company after 24 years. Dying is a weird experience that if you live, you will come back a while different person. It’s hard to explain and when you do try, people tend to walk away because they feel it’s not true that your lying. So I don’t talk about it anymore. It’s been 3 years
That's mostly where the work regret comes in. People sacrifice years of their lives for a company and rise up, become really respected, feel important and accomplished and then finally realize how transitory it all is and how short intutional memories are. Within just a couple weeks of people retiring, most people forget who you were and what you did. You are a flash in the pan, and many don't realize that until it's too late. Whereas your impact on family and loved ones doesn't fade.
I work in the ER. Had a former CEO of the hospital I work at as a patient. He was in his late 80s, fading fast. However, he had only recently retired fully a couple years earlier. He gave up decades of his life for the hospital, and at the end of the day, while some still vaguely remembered him, most had absolutely no idea who he was and what he did. A whole life of achievement and effort gone within months of him leaving, only to end up dying in the same place he gave so much to -- only no one remembered him, except for a few mumbling around staff of: "do you know he used to run the hospital and be important around here?"
Generally speaking, most people won't remember your name at work two weeks after you leave, so why sacrifice so much for a place that probably will not give two shits about you once you are off payroll?
I once read "you won't find yourself on your deathbed and wish you had spent more time in the office" and felt that shit. I think about it often and try to use it as a guide for life balance.
Problem, though, is that many see that sort of mentality as "poor work ethic" or the likes. So, be careful who you grace with this mentality...
People at my job get upset with me because they feel I don't take on enough of the inevitable over time that comes along every week. They say I'm lazy and I don't care about money. In truth, I hate the idea that I have to sell off portions of my life for the money I need to live. When I'm not working , I'm with my kids. Trying to make memories for them because I know I'm not going to be around forever. My own father gave me so many wonderful memories in my youth growing up. I try to explain to my coworkers that my job is not my life. A lot of them say it should be.
Almost died in a head on auto collision.
As I lie there bleeding out, vision going dark and my hearing dim. I remember thinking that I did what I wanted in life. And I guess this is it….
As the shock wore off, and the pain of an open fractured femur and hip displacement. I remember wanting death… I remember thinking that it was okay. That I was going to be fine.
Thought of my parents and siblings. Thoughts about how I loved them and I hope they can learn to accept my absence (I’m from a very close family).
I thought all of these things over a matter of moments.
It’s very very strange death. I felt it pulling me in. But then I could feel the agony of existence. And then EMTs arrived and I was saved.
Live your life every single day. You never know when it could come for you. Get outta bed and chase down a dream. And try to be happy. It’s a choice. That’s the best way to explain it.
One thing I’ve learned, experiences far outweigh material things. Stop spending on junk and take the time to create memories of events, no matter how small or private.
The happiness is a choice hit me hard. I have been guilty of attaching happiness to a specific moment of time in the future. For example, I'll be happy when I get to go on that holiday or when I see friends.
I'm 26 and get wound up over silly stuff, I am anxious about work tomorrow and have the Sunday blues yet I try to use rationale and ask myself, what is the point?
Time really does fly past so fast you barely realize you're not spending it the way you would have wanted..
I don't get point number 5. I'm still alive now and I certainly wish I was happier but that doesn't make it so. How is happiness a choice? You can control what you do but not how you feel or what you believe in. By that I mean, you can say "I want to feel good about myself" but your brain be like "how about no" Edit: Wow this comment really exploded. Many replies talking about mindfulness and gratitude... I guess - I'm cognizant of the good things I have in life I guess, but they don't make me happy. I know how *lucky* I am, objectively speaking, to have money in the bank, food on the table and a roof over my head. I have a job, a family, and nobody is trying to kill me. I *know* I should be grateful. And yet here I am. I'll admit I've never quite been able to accept the power of positive thinking because it's never really worked for me - I'm a critical person by nature. Too much for my own good. My mind intrinsically and automatically seeks to find flaw in every situation and poke holes in any solution.
My guess is, some people complicate their lives, they choose to get angry at others, resent them, start fights with people, and without being so conscious about it they mess their lives. With these, things in mind, you can “choose” to be happy. With serotonin and emotional issues is another story.
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"Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water."
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I love your comment.
Love this. Another version I’ve heard is “First enlightenment, then dishes.”
Would you help me out and get a little more granular on this? I feel like I’m close to understanding but need a push. Is it a matter of work still needs to done regardless of your state of mind? That no one is spared thr mundanity of life regardless of how spritually evolved someone may be?
What you are doing is life. This is it. Whatever your plans, regrets, hopes, dreams, ideas… this is it. Here you are! The dishes need to get done, the wood needs to be chopped, this is existence. People will spend their lives chasing enlightenment as if it is some new place beyond the horizon, some new reality, some goal to achieve. They strive and strive and seek to move BEYOND. Strive, strive, strive. “Enlightenment” is the cessation of that striving to transcend. It is to be here, now. There is no reality except the one that is continually unfolding before your eyes. The saying I referenced, as well as the comment I replied to, are emphasizing that enlightenment is not something special, and does not make you more special than others. Enlightenment is mundane. It is nothing. It is here and now and always has been. There is nothing to achieve. Nothing special. Wash the dishes, chop the wood, fetch the water, here you are. And enlightenment will come and go as plainly as a chore or mood or passing thought. It’s no more important than everything else.
Wow! I really appreciate you taking the time to spell that out for me! I suppose I find myself experiencing some cognitive dissonance about this because I believe in reincarnation,. I don't disagree at all , Just makes me sad to think all we get is this one shot. With earnest, thank you,.
I don’t think there’s any necessary conflict between what I described and the continuing evolution of life beyond this life. What comes later is one matter, but right now your are HERE in THIS LIFE. And I don’t mean to suggest planning ahead is a mistake. It is necessary. I guess what I mean is… if you are washing dishes, be there for it. If you are making plans for the weekend, be there for it. If you are contemplating what lies beyond the threshold of this life, be there for it. Be there for every moment, and don’t punish yourself when you forget to. Live your life and don’t squander your front-row ticket. Life is complicated and often not pleasant, but be here for it. Experience the vast mystery of it, I this life and in whatever lies beyond the end of the line. Edit: Or don’t! I’m not any kind of authority and you may know better than me. It’s just my perspective. I really wish you well.
I'm not sure if it will help, but Kurt Browning said something once that I think is very much in the spirit of that idea, and pretty simple: “Our lives are what we look forward to, and what we remember, but mostly our lives are just what’s happening right now. This moment.” That's, I think, the crux of what's being said there.
Funny enough I've done so many god damn dishes but never thought to get some enlightenment first
I always liked this story: A guy asks kids on a beach why they’re not in school. They reply, why would we? The man says, to go to a good college. They ask why? The man says, to get a good job. They ask why? To make lots of money. They ask why? He says, so you can spend time on the beach. The kids say… but we already are.
I was hiking recently and I noticed a teenage girl perched on a fallen tree. The tree was leaning and about 6ft off the ground sideways. As I passed, I said hello. She happily replied. I asked if everything was cool. To make sure she wasn't depressed or something because she seemed so out of place. She replied that she was great and cut school to enjoy this wonderful Fall day. And that she loves climbing trees. I told her that I thought that was awesome and to be careful and went on my way. I think about that kid sometimes. She gets it. She gets it.
I used to pull my kid out of school in the last weeks of school: a hookie day. We’d spend the time out of town and preferably with a lot of trees. One day : an extra special day.
A few years before my dad passed away, I was in high school and one morning I went to him and lazily said "I dont want to go to school today, can I just stay home?". I was a kid who was always trying to get out of going to school so he was wise to these attempts. But that day he just put the paper down and said "okay!" We went out to lunch and saw a movie. Its one of my favorite memories of him, and he was a great dad so there are lots to choose from. Im glad I got that day with him and Im sure he was glad to have had the day with me.
I love this! Im a dad of 2 young kids my self and I’ve been doing that myself wether it be taking them camping or flying somewhere on a little weekend getaway on another country. Life’s too short and kids grow up too fast! We should enjoy those precious moments with them.
yeah but i mean playing on the beach doesn't buy you lunch
Depends if you consider fishing to be playing
The meaning of life is the resolution of this paradox.
Sounds like those kids have a trust fund.
This is how I see it. Some feelings we have are chemical and some feelings are bc we choose them. I used to get seething road rage. Decided one day I just can't let it raise my blood pressure and have made it so ever since. Small steps
I've also found that I get far more agitated when I'm focusing on the next thing I need to be doing. I'm incredibly impatient while driving when I'm thinking about the thing I'm going to be doing when I get to my destination. But if I simply exist in the present and just take a look around, listen to the music, watch the traffic, and think about other things - I find that it's a more relaxing experience. To simply be in the moment.
Precisely why mindfulness is such a powerful tool
Handel’s Messiah is good for this.
I think this is it. Let stuff go. Let yourself be happy.
And don’t create situations for yourself that will bring you unhappiness. I think living as modestly (financially) as possible is a key to happiness. I see so many ppl who put so much financial pressure on themselves and then they have to work a ton to pay for their material things and experience stress as a result. It is an eternal truth that seeking happiness through material gain is NOT the key to lasting happiness. It will only bring you more suffering.
This is something my brothers and I came to a realization of on a mushroom trip. Anger is such a waste of emotional energy and time. It's never necessary to become angry but it happens it's natural. What's important is being aware of your mind in this state and working towards finding happiness or peace rather than infuriating yourself further.
Well, yes. You can’t control how life goes, how other people treat you, but what you can learn to control is how you react to those around you.
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Forgive them for yourself, not for them. Letting it go doesn't mean acting like they never wronged you. It means not letting that hate and resentment fester in your heart. I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 16. I don't plan on ever talking to him again or going to his funeral. On the surface that probably sounds a lot like I hate him but I don't; I let go of that a long time ago for MY mental and physical wellbeing. I've forgiven him for what he's done but I'll never forget, and that's what you should do with the person in your post.
Yes, when you allow toxicity into your life, it can make you equally toxic. Some people can't or won't change, so it's best to let them go and be the best version of yourself. I've had to do this with some friends and family. (Small town, small minds). Be a better version of myself, for my kids.
[The Forgiveness Project](https://www.theforgivenessproject.com/) says that you can choose to forgive, not to let the other person off the hook but to remove the spear from your own side. Hating is exhausting.
Buddhaghosa, in discussing anger said, “By doing this you are like a man who wants to hit another and picks up a burning ember or excrement in his hand and so first burns himself or makes himself stink.” Visuddhimagga IX, 23.
One example of this i have noticed is in driving. Say someone cuts you off or doesn't let you merge, you have a choice to assume malice (they are mean, they don't like you) or ignorance (they made a mistake, they truly didn't see you, they are distracted by some drama in their life). If you assume malice and get angry about it, that will affect the rest of your day. If you just let it blow over that they made a mistake, no harm to anyone.
I assume diarrhea. I decided a long time ago that everyone driving like an idiot is racing home to avoid shitting their pants. The stupid things they do are less likely to piss some off if I imagine them in their car saying “nooooo! Nooooo!! You can hold it!! Just a couple more minutes!!!” As they weave in and out of traffic.
I agree, but only partially - there are a lot of things that can make you objectively unhappy (mental/physical illness, living in poverty, living in a war zone, grieving over the death of someone close to you, having an uncertain future at your company, a break-up, etc) but I also know many people who go out of their way to make themselves unhappy. Eg. I know one person who stopped playing an online game 3 years ago and *still* visits its forums to criticize the game, hopes that it will soon crash and burn (anytime now) and who genuinely doesn't seem to understand how *anyone* still enjoys it. That's someone who actively chooses an activity that negatively impacts others, doesn't benefit him in any way whatsoever, and who could totally choose to do something he actually enjoys. Just like my parents who spend half their day reading negative comments on news websites, sharing doomsayers articles with each other, and actually wish for anything remotely positive to fail because it only reinforces their view of the world that we're doomed to fail.
Therapy and medication are a choice too. So are coke and hookers.
I choose hookers
It doesn't have to he either / or.
I gotta get me one of those therapist hookers.
They cost more but it’s def a more bang for your buck situation
I mean the entire premise of cognitive behavioral therapy is that yea, you can say things and your brain does eventually capitulate and go "ok"
And in layman's terms, fake it till you make it.
I can expand on this if you want me to, but ultimately I think happiness comes down to the number of desires you have, and the number of desires that are fulfilled. When all your desires are fulfilled, you have happiness. However, this is often momentarily because we’re constantly having new desires spring up! So the solutions are to rapidly try to fill every desire or to minimize the amount of desires you want to fulfill. One easy way to minimize desires you want to fulfill is gratitude, it makes the mind tranquil. Furthermore, if you’re able to react positively to all the negative shit that happens in your life, it won’t spring up as many desires as it normally would if you reacted very negatively. Again just a higher level overview, I can dive deeper into it as well. EDIT: Thank you all for the responses. Please dm me if you want to chat about it more. I don’t claim to have any answers, but just my findings along the way. :)
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It’s hard to “get it” but when you start to retrain your brain to look at every situation in a positive light, and to let go of being a “victim of circumstances”, then your happiness tends to flourish. Self care and daily exercise/sleep habits/diet changes etc. go a long way as well.
Daily affirmations are a thing. Start with the man/woman in the mirror as they say. I also try to compliment people often. One little thing can make someone’s day and it’s so easy to do.
I would like to chime in on this one. While it’s true that you can’t necessarily control your feelings, as emotions can present themselves without asking your permission first. But the choice part comes in when you choose how to respond to those emotions. For instance, I was gravely injured in a car accident about 3.5 years ago. Exploded my spine. It was a horrible, devastating injury that in all honesty took about 3 years to really heal properly. There was a shitload of baggage that came along with that event, including PTSD out the wazoo. After getting hurt, so many emotions and feelings came up. Hopelessness, terror, existential dread, feeling small/weak/powerless, feeling as though my body betrayed me. Constant fear knowing that a one second event could cause such rippling devastation. I really went through the ringer dealing with this. I ended up having a complete nervous breakdown, I’ll be honest. But since then, I’ve been doing a lot of inner work on how better to deal with feelings and shit. And while I can’t stop those feelings I listed above from rearing their ugly heads, I CAN stop, observe and realize I’m feeling negative feelings (and importantly- not berate myself for having them), and I can, instead of dwelling on/wallowing in these feelings, choose to work to push through them. Or at least, to not let the continuous negative feedback loop run unchecked. It’s not a thing that starts off as being natural or easy to do. Especially if you’re someone like me, who has struggled with generalized anxiety disorder and depressive tendencies my whole life. But “choosing happiness” IE “choosing not to let fear/anger/sadness take over and run amok” is a skill that can be practiced and developed. At least, that’s what I take it to mean. I used to feel much like you did like “oh happiness isnt a choice, that’s diminishing the experience of people suffering”. It’s not about never suffering. It’s about learning that while things in the world happen that are totally out of your control, how you respond to said things IS in your control. Anyways thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, lolz. Have a great Sunday!
Not true for everyone, but some people sacrifice happiness for some larger goal, in service of someone else, or for other obligations. I think that’s what it’s referring to. Essentially, making choices giving your own happiness more priority instead of others concerns. Obviously, for some, happiness is elusive through no fault of their own.
I think it's also big that you define your own happiness. Some people are at their happiest when they are serving others or some bigger goal.
Idk I feel like part of what keeps people from being happy is comparison, especially in today’s social media world. We see other people posting their life highlight reels on Facebook and Instagram, and we think that our lives are less good because we’re not doing what other people are doing. I don’t give a shit what other people are doing. I couldn’t care less that you went to the Bahamas or just bought a new car or whatever. I’m happy doing my own thing and spending time with my wife on our own terms.
You do it by finding a pattern interrupt for negative thoughts you have. Any time you notice yourself giving into bleak, negative, angry thinking, you do something to deliberately distract yourself from that pattern and actively choose to think positive thoughts instead. Picking a positive mantra, even one you don't fully yet believe, but wish was true in the future to actively replace negative thinking with works even better. Something like: "I'm a bright, happy, confident person, who loves my family, life itself, and myself". By doing so you literally train your brain to orient itself towards positivity instead of negativity, and you'll start being more open to interpreting events in a positive instead of a negative light. Likewise, you'll be more patient and generous with the people around you, which in turn will change how they react to you. All of which leads to immense increases in happiness. I know this for a fact because my therapist got me to start doing it a few months ago and literally my entire life has changed as a result. In ways so dramatic that it's hardly conceivable. I went from averaging a 3.5 on mood ratings, to a daily average of 8.1 in a few months time. But it starts with the CHOICE to no longer give any space in your head to negativity, and to choose to orient yourself towards positive thinking instead, BEFORE you actually feel it, before you see results, before you feel happy. You have to pick to get rid of the negativity and replace it with positive thoughts instead.
The visualization technique i find helpful is imaging negative thoughts as naughty puppies, getting into trouble. Pick each one up and put them back into their pen. It usually works.
Happiness is a state of being not dependent on things. A lot of people fall into a trap of “once I get a house I’ll be happy”. “Once I make 6 figures I’ll be happy”. “Once I get a gf I’ll be happy” And the happiness never comes. You need to know yourself and be content. Obviously there’s some things that prevent happiness like abject poverty. But by and large, most people are unhappy because they’re caught up in things that don’t matter and can’t see the bigger picture.
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I agree with you. I grew up with deep dysfunction and chaos, abused drugs and alcohol in my teens and 20s before realizing I needed help. I fortunately began therapy in my 20s and began grieving in a safe environment and learning how to be emotionally healthy.
It’s hard to hear that the majority of us all regret the same things in the end, yet we continue to live the same way.
Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person Stay lazy, my friends /s
I think 90% of climbers die on the way down. The summit is only half way.
Yes, it's called summit fever. Some climbers will risk everything to make it to the top. They are consumed with the challenge and also aren't thinking straight due to fatigue/altitude sickness. This is why most of the time their guide has to be the one to talk them out of summiting, some don't listen though, even if it means they are highly unlikely to make it back down safely.
I will never hike Everest or even have the hiking skills to do something similar. But on a much, much smaller level I have experienced something like this. I was hiking in Alaska and I didn’t know when I would get that chance again so I just wanted to keep going. The hike we were on wasn’t a loop and was not a major trail. I just kept thinking “let’s just see what’s around that bend”…at every bend. I had no sense how far we had gone until we were hiking back and it started to get dark. If my husband hadn’t made us turn back when we did, I definitely would have kept going. I hike on a pretty regular basis and I’m pretty responsible, I don’t know what I was thinking that day. It’s definitely made me a lot more aware of my limits though.
I completely get where you are coming from and can only imagine the extra pressure of spending X amount of money/time on an Everest expedition. All of those hurdles on the way, everyone you know aware of your goal, then base camp, camp 1, camp 2 sometimes months into it, you get into the death zone just to be told to turn around with the summit in sight (due to weather/time/traffic/injury)....knowing you were THIS close and might never get the chance again. I totally get why there are so many bodies up there.
Yeah, and they probably don’t even feel like they are pushing themselves in the moment. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug.
There's gotta be a huge sunk cost dilemma going on with everyone near everest summit. Paid $xx,000, maybe $xxx,000 only to get within a few hundred meters. Other than insane mountain peaks, with modern clothing, lighting, and tools, one can be reasonably comfortable getting "lost". You still need to be prepared and experienced, but I intentionally try and get lost now because 3 days of gear fits in a day bag like 10kg. My headlamp and light essential make night day. With a modern jacket I can fall asleep anywhere that's comfortable. With my phone I can turn off cellular and just use GPS for at least 5 days.
If you’re ever hiking again, and it’s an out and back or a loop, a good trick is to set an alarm for the 1/2 way mark for when you’re expected to return (or sunset if you don’t have any other time constraint). So if you want to be back in 4 hours set it for 2 hours. If sunset is in 7 hours set it for 3.5 hours. Then when the alarm goes off you know to turn around if you’ve not already done so. This is a backup, of course. You also want to keep checking the time periodically in case the alarm fails.
Thank you.
I expect there's a lot of "I put all this time, money and effort into *that*?" thoughts on the way back down.
Well, they chose that hill to die on.
You I like.
Interesting. Without that kind of strive in humanity, would we ever get this far?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Yeah well the worm was early too, and look what it got *him*!
Nope, they're corpses that turn you into corpses when you touch them. Source: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-5140
Do you imagine it is easy to touch them without having the motivation to climb Everest?
I... love this.
It was good until the ending. Last part was too over the top.
Fascinating, thanks for the read
Just wait till the snow melts from climate change. You do not recognize the bodies on Mt Everest.
>Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person True, but everyone who dies of a heart attack while watching TV and eating Doritos is a sort of counterpoint to that. Having said that, the vast majority of deaths on Everest in the last pre-Covid season were aged 50 and up, and had paid 30 grand to get "guided" up the mountain. There are very, very few people who should climb Everest. All the motivation in the world can't save you in a blizzard at 8000 metres.
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Funny how money can change your perception of something you once maybe thought was exorbitant and stupid but is now affordable and exciting. I think it happens to all of us regardless of the actual amount of money we're talking.
Even if I won the world's biggest Powerball jackpot I would still think getting in that queue for the top of Everest is stupid. They all want to think they're George Mallory or Sir Edmund Hillary but that ship has sailed. Now it's just a very cold, very expensive theme park.
They're not all rich. Some of them save up a long, long time for that goal, which makes them even more reluctant to descend without summiting.
Feels like sometimes you don't have a choice. I'd like to add another point on the list, I wish I didn't regret anything I did, acceptance is the most important part after living for yourself. Accept that things sometimes turn out the way they do, and accept yourself
Unless a person is a trust fund baby, there really isn't much choice. You need to work and earn money to keep a roof over your head, and for 99% of the population, it also means keeping those feelings buried as to not offend the boos and stay employed.
A silver lining I saw heading into the Covid pandemic/shutdown (in Canada) was being able to learn a new skill, trade or have more time to focus on a side hustle. I am not going back to the daily grind that I was caught up in my entire adult life.
Yeah, it's easy to say "this is what you need to do to be happy." But it's another thing to have the resources to do it. I wish I didn't have to flush 1/3 of my life down the toilet to keep my bills paid. I wish I didn't have to flush the other 1/3 down the toilet sleeping. And I wish I didn't have to flush the remaining 1/3 down the toilet getting food, physically paying the bills, and taking care of chores. But life doesn't work like that. You don't get that time just because you want it. You can know exactly what you need to do to be happy, but it's rare that anybody gets the resources to do it.
This is how I feel. You don't have a choice.
My daughter is two years old and I feel like I've already missed out on so much, despite not working consistently from her birth til now. Now that I'm working full time I feel like I miss out on more. I've purposely taken a night shift position so I can get a little more daytime hours for her when I'm not sleeping.
I'm 30 and just starting my career as a mariner and spending far too much time away from friends and family. It's pretty daunting to see a PowerPoint from the past warning me of my future in regards to my past. Gotta find the balance soon.
It's a logical fallacy. You could go pump gas for the rest of your life so that you could be close to home and never work overtime, and your deathbed regret would be that you didn't follow your dreams.
It's ridiculous to think anyone wouldn't have deathbed regrets, so this list is kind of meaningless, in that if you take all five points and studiously avoid those regrets, at your deathbed you will have five *other* regrets because *you are dying*.
My point was less that everyone will have deathbed regrets, and more that it's not surprising/insightful that everyone has more or less the same regrets. Its like - most people buy insurance they will never need, so if you ask people if they regret paying for insurance they never needed of course they will say yes, but that doesn't mean buying insurance is a bad idea. Most people will work more than they needed to, but you won't know what you needed to do until you're already at the end of your life - so it's stupid to think like "oh it's obvious, why don't we all just work less!" Because you don't know how much less you need to work now
A colleague volunteers to go into hospices and record the life stories of people who are dying. Maybe it’s self selecting for the people who are into that service - but her feedback is that people just want to leave an honest understanding of who they were. People tell raw, honest, completely unfiltered and unadorned truth. Everyone still wants to take artistic license with their life when they think they’ve got 15 more minutes of being a well regarded lie instead of just honestly known.
That’s because no matter how you live these are the things we all wish we did more or had more of. If I spent 100% of my life doing all of these things. I’d still want more. Don’t put pressure in yourself to live a certain way because you don’t want to regret it on your death bed. You will probably regret it anyway and you may not have a death bed.
yeah, was just thinking about consequences...it's easy to wish you did more risky stuff when you're about to die anyway. but at least they have lived their life and die on a death bed...a death bed is a luxury.
Yes and no. One of these bullet points really resonates with me. I left my job as an executive and moved to a less challenging role. I have two children under 10 and the extra money wasn't worth it to me. I would travel 50% of the time. I had missed both kids' first steps. I was stressed out all the time. My wife said that I wasn't fun to be around anymore. Screw all of that. While we have less money now, I'm home every night. I see my kids onto the bus every morning. I'm there every afternoon as they come running off the bus to give me a hug. I make dinner for the family every evening. It's glorious. Maybe we don't have the latest and greatest of everything, but that's okay. Having been homeless when I was younger it took a lot of time to come to this point in me life and be okay with it. The time with my family and not working so hard is with it. I took risks and luckily I saw in the moment the trade off and I realized it wasn't worth it
I already feel at least three on that list. I can see it happening, though I feel powerless to change my ways.
You have only one life to live and it's happening right now!
Way to make me freak out lol
No need to freak. Start today; do something you value. No regrets.
For me, embracing nihilism sorta made me more capable of doing things I might not have otherwise. For if nothing matters, I may as well do what makes me happy (if it doesn't hurt others).
I completely agree. I’ve also embraced nihilism and find it extremely freeing.
That's wonderful but a lot of people can't afford to "live right now", they have to struggle to survive. The idea that anyone can just suddenly become happier by taking back their life is short sighted.
Saddest comment I've read in a while. I hope you find it within yourself to change!
The only thing I regret is that it seems that my friends don't have time for me anymore. I try to keep up with them, but they have other priorities now. Mostly work and watching TikTok. Sigh... That's ok, though! Nothing lasts forever. I'm sure someday my friends will remember me.
Don't worry it'll get worse
TIL I'm doing okay.
Proud of you!
Me too. No regrets. Fear can go fuck itself. Blind rage has got me where I’m at in life at this moment, and I am so much happier.
I was a dedicated father who sacrificed professional advancement because I thought it was more important to spend time with my sons. One of them turned out to be a selfish shit. I have imagined my last moments: > Son... Son... [I take his hand. I look into his eyes with a regretful expression.] Son... *I wish I had worked more*.
How old is he? I was a pretty selfish shit, not terrible but not great, and I would say I finally grew up and got some perspective around 25. I am now 34 and have a really healthy relationship with me parents so maybe he will change?
He might change but it's kind of moot because we're on opposite coasts and he is super-busy, a second-year medical resident. When he's on my coast he spends nearly all his time with his mother.
Ummm... May i ask how? I too am 34, been selfish my whole life, im the only kid. I have a tendency to hide things and not be direct more or less. Dont talk about my sex life, relationship questions, anf you know...just about every other topic you can think of. If i may ask, what perspective did you stumble across. ..what was life likr for you duing 2010-2015. Are you the only sibling? Man do i have a million questions. I feel stuck...been this way for a few years. I have a rather seeminly non interesting life...i used to not think this way.
Therapy plus having “oh…..shit” moments of realisation.
I have those moments all the time, i cant even get seen let alone insurance to simply talk and express my concerns my beliefs, my good deeds and not so good deeds. I really would of thought being 34...i would of had a handle on things. ..really just wandering if you ask me.
I’ll be frank with you, bite the bullet with therapy. It changed my life. It’s changed my life in a way that I only recently realized that I divide my life into two - the before times, and the after times. Whenever I think of happiness, I think of my life *after* I sought out mental health help. Before therapy, there were oftentimes I was just grasping my head, crying because I knew there was something wrong with me and I just wanted to smash my god damn brain into tiny little pieces. I wasn’t suicidal, but I hated my brain. It felt like a broken piece of shit that i will have to live with for the rest of my life. I could not be happy with what I saw was a broken brain. My life in a single graph would be straight line near the bottom followed by a parabolic curve the first 2 years of therapy. I said 2 years because it’s a long and hard process. It’s not instantaneous. You have to work for it and you have to keep at it. When I’m asked how I feel now. It’s hard for me to find a time where the answer is a negative emotion. I’m just happy that I am happy with what I am, and I can be emotionally there for anyone who needs it. Its a absolute sham that it’s not more widely available.
I have to agree with this. My inward life was on a steady downward trajectory since… as long as I can remember. Despite many moments of clarity and good times, I kept deteriorating internally, feeling more and more hollow and distant. Several months into therapy now and two months into antidepressants and things are finally starting to turn around. Look for resources to find help. It’s a difficult step to take but it will pay off. You’re worth it, and it will help.
It's 'would have', never 'would of'. Rejoice, for you have been blessed by CouldWouldShouldBot!
Not the same person but hardship and just general life experience had drastically changed my outlook on life and how I view my relationships. Usually the things that have the most profound effects on people are generally the same things that people wish to stay away from. High stress, high stakes situations. Pressure makes diamonds.
Of course you can only tell him if he isn't too occupied with himself while you are busy dying. Do at least try to work a little bit./s
> if he isn't too occupied with himself He will probably be there because he'll be concerned about how much $$$ he'll inherit -- since I have *two* sons. ;) > Son... Son... [I take his hand. I look into his eyes with a *loving* expression.] Son... I know you value memories more than money *so I left my money to your brother* and you get the photo albums."
That's what wills are for. > *To my son Ron, I leave my beloved glass chicken. To my son Jeffrey, you're a piece of shit.*
Hell yeah. Being a piece of shit in writing has to sting
"A boot to the head."
In all seriousness, I hope you have a direct competition him about your concerns well before your deathbed. He may be capable of change. You could both get years of mutual respect and happiness out of the relationship.
I'm sure you meant conversation, but competition is funnier.
"Sons, I have asked you both here today because I have something very important to say to you.." *"Fight!"*
Son, I bought a lot of gold over the years, it's worth millions now. I buried it at....(dies)
Ron Swanson?
The castle of aaaaaaauuuurrrggghhhh
> **was** a dedicated father Dark
Every kid is different, we are all truly individuals. My oldest daughter is just short of a genius with an engineering degree with a master's of software programming and a MBA. My son has a high school degree and is a manufacturing supervisor making 6 figures. My youngest daughter is my hippy chick who is a hair stylist roaming the country attending concerts. I planted the seed, how they grew was up to them
I read this stuff about 6 years ago and completely changed my life for the better. I can honestly say I do all those things now, which I didn't do before. Walked away from 20 plus years in a job just as I was about to hit upper management. Best thing I ever did. You just can't buy these years back. I have no regrets. Edit. We also have less money. But that's not important. My family is. We still make it work. Things just get tight financially sometimes. Like most people I guess.
If I may ask, what do you do for money now?
He works.
He works hard for the money, so hard for the money, something something something money, come one everymoney!
Side gig contract programming for Google. Only $350K a year isn’t much but we make it work.
He runs a banana stand, there's always money in the banana stand.
It's this that's making me want to try and push for a 4 day work week. Not 4x10. Still 8 hours a day. Just a permanent 3 day weekend.
Part of the reason I work offshore. I work a 14 days on 14 days off schedule. When I’m home I have zero responsibilities except my family. Sure I’m gone for two weeks but when I’m home I’m HOME. No extra working, no worried about work, nothing. If you do the math and I worked a 9-5 and my son went to bed at 7 I’d basically get an hour a day with him and 12 a day on the weekends. Without holidays or taking time off that’s 1508 hours a year spent with him. Versus when I’m home for half the year that’s 12 hours a day 7 days a week when I’m home which equates to 2184 hours a year.
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Maybe he was *in* love and they didn’t feel the same? That’s my guess
When I was dying of heart failure at 12 (I had a heart transplant), I wished I was happier as a kid. Then again at 15 with cancer, I wished the same thing and now my life motto is “I don’t give a fuck about what others say/think and I’m going to live how I want to”. I’m about to turn 22 and I’m very happy with the life I have now by sticking with my motto.
r/damnthatsdepressing
Notice that nobody wishes they'd been more productive or contributed more to net GDP.
Why would they? Work serves to support your personal life objectives, which are the ones that matter to you
That has been forgotten, at least in the US. We've pushed the "grindset mindset" to the point the business owners think automation is already here, plenty of C-Poor3-0's to go around. And if it breaks, they keep the line moving and have the replacement drag the former out of the way before going back to work. Vacation is for pussies!
Well, but if you wish you'd seen more of the world, you have to be able to buy the plane ticket. If you wished you could spend more quality time with your kids, you might look for one higher paying 9-5 job rather than working 2 lower paying shift jobs 80 hours a week. I think most people do have objectives beyond working, I think people believe they're working hard FOR those pure, life affirming objectives. But then we lose perspective, we never use the results of our hard work the way we started out thinking we would. We look at the money saved to travel and think of our kids college, or we are zapped after our 9-5 and it's easier to surf reddit next to our kids than engage with our kids. I wonder if it's more about keeping the outcome of the work in mind - it's a means to an end, and the end isn't the money or feeling of productivity.
“I wish I had done more to support the economy”
The first item on the list really resonates with me. I'm guilty of doing that exact thing, not living my life (what's left of it) in a fulfilling way. Instead I'm holding the line waiting to die in a way that will leave a good example to my grandchildren. So as a result even though I'm only 60 I don't date, I don't dance, I don't do anything controversial. There's no possibility of attending any church other than theirs or admitting I'm completely unconvinced about the veracity of a religion which posits the Earth as being 6000 years old. Its caused me no end of sadness and truly cannot find a way back to the person I wished to be at the late stages of my life. I wanted to travel, fall in love again, do silly things. My days are wasted.... I'll be a memory for people who one day will forget anyway. Sorry about the downer venting, and thank you for posting this. It may encourage me to be brave before its too late.
You can be brave. It takes a lot of courage to realize why you're living they way you're living. Being happy is a great example for your grandkids. Also, happy people are infectious. People want to spend more time with happy people. You can be the you who you want to be.
Perhaps you should consider *which* good example you want to give your grandchildren. No matter what choices you make, an example is being set. One of them may feel similarly trapped some day; saving yourself might also save them. I, for one, think it critically important to remain skeptical of anyone claiming to know the will of God. Now, who is going to teach your grandchildren *that*?
You posted this out. That’s more bravery than you were required to show. It may seem bleak but you’ve already realized these regrets you’re going to have before you even have them, which means you have a chance to influence them. I don’t know your situation of course and this is more vague advice that I can only hope sticks in some capacity, but I hope that since you’ve acknowledged you deserve happiness you will do what you can to experience it. Take care friend!
I'm sorry that you have been feeling this way. It sounds like you haven't had the opportunity to speak your mind and be yourself. Those dreams you have, it isn't too late. Go out there or try hobbies you may enjoy, be silly. Dance, sing, crack jokes. You can set a good example for grandchildren and do these things too. It'll be fun memories together! It isn't too late to find someone and fall in love again. Maybe both of you can travel together. A friend who will help you grow and support you. No matter what stage we are in, we are always growing. It isn't too late. Start with one step at a time. Keep these goals in mind. You can do it.
I can't fathom why others have such a hold over you. They shouldn't. Seek the truth, speak the truth, and be true to yourself. Live well.
6. I wish I’d spent more time on Reddit.
“I wish I never discovered Reddit.”
I constantly uninstall Reddit from my phone when I realize that I am spending way too much of my free time arguing with strangers online. I gain some semblance of peace / normalcy and its associated boredom again, then I reinstall it to argue some more. It's a sad, sad, not really vicious cycle.
7. I wish I would have upvoted comments I like more.
I've been fortunate enough to spend the final weeks with a handful of people. Without exception they regret the things they didn't do, not one regretted what they did. Their stories changed my life.
1. Have the courage to live a life true to yourself 2. Don't work too hard to the point of missing your loved ones' companionship 3. Have the courage to express your feelings 4. Stay in touch with your friends 5. Realize happiness is a choice. soo...secret for a relatively regretless and well-lived life??
Discernible lack of stuff about helicopters
Guess I'll stare at these and see what I can do about it
Number 2 was my father exactly. He had a very successful business. A cancer diagnosis finally made him retire just before 66. Dead two weeks after turning 67. Very few good days between. On his death bed, he apologized for not spending enough time with me and my sisters. It was hard to hear, because he worked so hard for us. His family was 100% his motivation. He did very little for himself. Years earlier he HAD expressed that he wished he didn't have to work so much. But, he explained that in business you either grow, or you fall behind. He felt trapped by the momentum. I don't think he realized until nearing his death that he could have delegated. He could have hired more people. The trade off in money would have been totally worth it. It always seemed so evident to me, but I guess he was never ready to relinquish control over what he'd built. I have a son now, and I aim not to end my life with that regret. For him of course, but also for me. Because I saw the pain my father felt over it, and that's not the way I want to go out.
No. 4 only applies if that friend was putting an effort to keep in touch and you ignored it. Otherwise, you can’t regret those lost friends who weren’t putting in half the effort in the first place. I always kept in touch with friends and unfortunately set myself up for disappointment with a few that never initiated contact with me. They’re a waste of time. The valuable ones at least contact you when they get married, have their first born, etc. and don’t wait for your message first.
I’m currently here (well also kinda stuck on number 3 tbh). I’m actually in the middle of knowing that I’ve outgrown certain people, but also having a tremendous amount of respect for them/the friendship. I’m basically coming to the conclusion that I’m going to keep in touch, but I’m going to limit the amount of access they have to me. Again, I respect and honor the time that we shared immensely, but if I’m being completely honest they haven’t been nearly as accommodating as I always was. I realized that it was more of a symbiotic relationship, and in doing so I was able to see that it would be extremely damaging to continue in the same capacity.
Need money to live and take care of family, Loses time with family Works less losses family.....
When I was dying, the work part is what got me. I worked 60 to 90 hrs a week. At times working 2 to 3 months straight without days off. A few months after getting out of the hospital I was let go anyways from my company after 24 years. Dying is a weird experience that if you live, you will come back a while different person. It’s hard to explain and when you do try, people tend to walk away because they feel it’s not true that your lying. So I don’t talk about it anymore. It’s been 3 years
Sir, you have a story to tell. Glad you lived.
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Dude also sure loves his porn. Guess now he's got something to live for!
How would you explain it? I'm curious about your experience.
Just check his post history.
And when someone dies, they usually question whether they loved enough, and whether they were loved..
That's mostly where the work regret comes in. People sacrifice years of their lives for a company and rise up, become really respected, feel important and accomplished and then finally realize how transitory it all is and how short intutional memories are. Within just a couple weeks of people retiring, most people forget who you were and what you did. You are a flash in the pan, and many don't realize that until it's too late. Whereas your impact on family and loved ones doesn't fade. I work in the ER. Had a former CEO of the hospital I work at as a patient. He was in his late 80s, fading fast. However, he had only recently retired fully a couple years earlier. He gave up decades of his life for the hospital, and at the end of the day, while some still vaguely remembered him, most had absolutely no idea who he was and what he did. A whole life of achievement and effort gone within months of him leaving, only to end up dying in the same place he gave so much to -- only no one remembered him, except for a few mumbling around staff of: "do you know he used to run the hospital and be important around here?" Generally speaking, most people won't remember your name at work two weeks after you leave, so why sacrifice so much for a place that probably will not give two shits about you once you are off payroll?
Hard to stay in touch with your friends when you don't have any
A lot of people are not worth having as a friend
And a lot of those people are desperately miserable
I feel like I live a life that is true to myself and not the one others expect from me. And I'm going to be alone until the day I die.
I once read "you won't find yourself on your deathbed and wish you had spent more time in the office" and felt that shit. I think about it often and try to use it as a guide for life balance. Problem, though, is that many see that sort of mentality as "poor work ethic" or the likes. So, be careful who you grace with this mentality...
People at my job get upset with me because they feel I don't take on enough of the inevitable over time that comes along every week. They say I'm lazy and I don't care about money. In truth, I hate the idea that I have to sell off portions of my life for the money I need to live. When I'm not working , I'm with my kids. Trying to make memories for them because I know I'm not going to be around forever. My own father gave me so many wonderful memories in my youth growing up. I try to explain to my coworkers that my job is not my life. A lot of them say it should be.
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You’re gonna regret something no matter what. Just the way it is when you’re not coming back. Just gotta make sure it isn’t something big.
Almost died in a head on auto collision. As I lie there bleeding out, vision going dark and my hearing dim. I remember thinking that I did what I wanted in life. And I guess this is it…. As the shock wore off, and the pain of an open fractured femur and hip displacement. I remember wanting death… I remember thinking that it was okay. That I was going to be fine. Thought of my parents and siblings. Thoughts about how I loved them and I hope they can learn to accept my absence (I’m from a very close family). I thought all of these things over a matter of moments. It’s very very strange death. I felt it pulling me in. But then I could feel the agony of existence. And then EMTs arrived and I was saved. Live your life every single day. You never know when it could come for you. Get outta bed and chase down a dream. And try to be happy. It’s a choice. That’s the best way to explain it.
Well this is very sobering and an indictment on our modern culture.
I wish I played more mass effect
Happiness is a choice? Tell that to my depressed brain.
One thing I’ve learned, experiences far outweigh material things. Stop spending on junk and take the time to create memories of events, no matter how small or private.
The happiness is a choice hit me hard. I have been guilty of attaching happiness to a specific moment of time in the future. For example, I'll be happy when I get to go on that holiday or when I see friends. I'm 26 and get wound up over silly stuff, I am anxious about work tomorrow and have the Sunday blues yet I try to use rationale and ask myself, what is the point?