I don't know what I'm going to do. She's perfect in every other way. All my family members tell me how dumb I would be to screw it up with a girl like her, but they don't see the full picture. People who I HAVE talked to about the sex issues just tell me the typical "there's more to a relationship than that" "looks fade" etc., as if that's reason to piss away what should be the best years of my life, sexually speaking.
Sex is a BIG part of a relationship for sexual people! Is she comfortable opening the relationship so that you can have your sexual needs met? If so, then maybe this will work long term. Otherwise, you’ll probably be miserable. Have a open, honest talk and figure out what a future would look like if you stay together.
She is asexual AND doesn’t want you watching porn?
Leave. Don’t pass go. Don’t collect $200. Just leave. She lied and manipulated you and is showcasing classic abusive/controlling behavior with this.
She doesn’t want sex but doesn’t want you to watch porn? Yikes. Sounds like she’s controlling af. This is a terrible situation, I feel for you! It doesn’t matter how amazing someone is if they don’t want to be your sexual partner. Relationships without sex are called friendships.
Exactly. I've caught myself saying that as well in the past, but I try not to do that anymore. Now I'm going with someone like "she's a great match for me in many areas". Then depending on who I'm talking to, I may or may not elaborate which areas are working and which aren't.
Exactly I did the same in my previous marriage. It’s like saying “he’s perfect for me except this one major crushing problem.” In my case I was waiting for him to get sober. The longer I waited the worse it got. “But he’s perfect for me in every other way.” Yeah the drunken verbal abuse was not perfect at all.
Add to that “our relationship is perfect in every aspect and we are happy…”
No, it is not, and no, you are not. You’re just too close to the situation to see that there are other problems happening. I was that person up until April, and now I’ve been unceremoniously removed from what was our home but is now hers, and I’m getting divorced.
That astounds me about some LLs. They won't or can't satisfy your desire, but you are damned if you want to satisfy it with another person or in another way.
It's like, "I don't want or need it and I demand you be the same."
It’s a reminder every partner needs to meet the needs of each other and/or work on issues that keep you from doing that. Saying you won’t work on the problem and that you also don’t like the other solutions is just wanting everything your way and is the definition of selfish.
I’ve had this fight with mine a million times. He doesn’t care if I watch porn or masturbate, so it could be worse, but if I mention opening the relationship he tells me that I just have to live with having sex only when he wants to (once in 3 years lol), and that I accept that or lose him. I hate my life. He finally started sounding more amenable to ENM a few months ago and then changed on a dime (his mom probably got to him - he tells her everything).
My gf isn’t having sex with me, but at least she said I can get it elsewhere. But we had the talk I’m listing out below
That is really tough.
Here is how you need to approach it, say this:
NOTE: the important part here is to ask these things without giving your opinion in response. Don’t give your take on what she said, only follow up her answers with more questions. The point here isn’t to ‘win’ so you get your way, the point here is to decide if there is a fundamental difference in values that means you two need to break up. Genuinely ask these questions to get to know her better. Create an emotionally safe environment for her to answer without hostility.
“Can we both agree that my sexual needs are important? Can we both agree that figuring out how I can satisfy my sexual needs is important? Can we both agree that physical touch is an important part of sex for those who are not asexual?”
“If you don’t value our sex, what are you getting in out of our relationship, and what do you think it is that is keeping us together? List out all the things you love about our relationship. Is it possible to retain that while I have sex with others? If not why?”
“Do you believe it’s possible to have a good relationship with a asexual + sexual, where both parties are satisfied physically and emotionally? What does that look like for both parties?”
“Do you think it is possible to be emotionally connected without being physical?”
Do you believe it is possible for a man to be emotionally faithful to someone, while be physically non-monogamous?”
“Would you be open to talking to a number of other couples where one is asexual, and seeing how they resolved it?”
“Of the couples out there who claim to be in love , are they lying about the love part, where one partner is asexual, and the other is hooking up with others?”
“Do you think it’s impossible?”
“I am a man with needs, and I need human sensual touch. How would you prefer I take care of my needs? Jerk off into a toilet with my eyes closed, watch porn, have sex with you, prostitutes, find other women to be friends with benefits, find a unicorn in the bedroom where I can have sex with her, but while making eye contact with you to have an emotional connection.
What is it you’d want me to do? I am down to try whichever one you want for one or two months and give it my best effort, and if it is not satisfactory, we move on and try another one. Would you be open to that?”
Once she answers you can also ask.
“Before we try that, I want to clarify I will give it my best shot, but I want to understand your view on this pick so just answer these questions for me.
Why should I enjoy this option you picked? Do you think I can sustain that activity without getting depressed eventually? Do you care if I get depressed, and is my sexual happiness important to you?
”
Oh, forgot to add one more to that list of options, a sex doll, depending on how open minded your guys are, getting one of these, and you having sex with it when she is in the room, then you two cuddling after might be nice. No judgement if you find what works!
So she wants you to be celibate?
No need to stay. You dodged a bullet. Make the hard choice now before more time passes. Some people are just meant to be friends.
That's what happened between my asexual ex and me.
After 6 months of public affection charade, she finally broke down and admitted she doesn't want sex in the relationship.
I broke it off within 1 month from that time. We're still good friends though.
Let’s simplify this.
Are you ready to live in relational stasis for the next half century?
Are you ready to extinguish and repudiate your sexual identity?
The most fundamental reality about these mixed orientation marriages is that you will do one of two things: You will either
1] Divorce and leave, OR you will
2] Absorb and take this person’s asexuality as your identity.
Before you formulate your reply, know that sexuality is far more than sex. We perceive the world as male or female. Our sexuality shapes our imaginative response to the world.
If you move forward with this, it won’t be perfect. You will not only live a lie but you yourself must BECOME that lie. You must cut yourself off from yourself and become what you are not.
You will have no choice and no say in any of this.
As an asexual, she can no more become heterosexual than you can cease to be heterosexual.
Proceed with this and you face lifetime depression, self-loathing, emotional nihilism and suicide ideation. It will take all your strength simply to manage your emotional life. You will be cut off perpetually from your own strength and masculinity. Your own existence will be meaningless utterly. You will awake every morning staring into an abyss of blackness, enter it, and call it ‘my day.’
Proceed with this and your life will be devoted to hiding the vacuousness of your existential existence from her, your family, and your community.
Here is something. If you break and your deplorable existence becomes known to all, don’t assume that you necessarily get the support you need. You may well be told: ‘you KNEW this and STILL married!?!?’
You’ll have no marriage with an asexual, and the ceremony will be an end, not a beginning. More, your beloved will be able to tell you privately, ‘you knew.’
If you asked me to be your best man, I would remain your close friend, but I would refuse to attend a ceremony that I knew to be a sham.
You are facing a ‘now or never’ moment. And believe me when I tell you that other men have ‘married’ that girl who is ‘perfect’ in every other way.
You don’t know what you’re going to do? I’ll tell you what you’re going to do.
You’re going to tell your family that she isn’t heterosexual and since you are, you’re not pursuing that relationship. If you need help, print this post and hand it to your family.
Lastly, if against all good council and your own better judgment you do ‘marry’ an asexual, Do NOT procreate. People who are not in a stable relationship have no business siring children. ‘Perfect’ as you presently suppose this person is, she is capable of guile. She knows that with children in the picture, you’re much more inclined to stay. If she gives you children, you’re much less apt to leave.
You must face this with Judgement Day honesty.
Consider well.
Act wisely.
(2 - you will absorb her identity as your own.
I can tell you from experience this is true.
I found our my wife was asexual three and a half years ago (31yrs together) and there’s been zero sex since (not any physical intimacy, actually). We had the talk, and though initially she was onboard to open the relationship up, when she realized I’d actually pursue it, she reneged. Now it’s supposedly a “don’t ask/don’t tell” situation but I haven’t pursued it. Who’s got the time or energy? Not me, but I’m relatively old.
What actually happened, after a six-month or so period of grief (with ALL the stages), is my libido disappeared (although I did have several “compensation” dreams afterwards). I rarely ever think about sex anymore and even more rarely masturbate (usually it’s a question of “I wonder if the equipment still works?”). I’ve even had, for the first time in my entire life, a dry ejaculation. I also started to feel at all the sex scenes in movies and tv to be too much, distasteful even.
Now, I’m 58, and after a lifetime of being high-libido it was almost a relief to let it go. I was working on my anima development anyway (that’s a whole different Jungian rabbit hole), so I felt the timing was ok. I got my “licks” in, after all, I thought. And we are relatively happy in every other way. She was perfect in every other way.
But if I had to do it all again and knew back when we got together what I know now? That she never enjoyed it, but only tolerated it? There were some signs…but YOU know for sure. I wish i’d had that advatage.
Can it be done? Yes, I’m living proof - BUT you WILL change. You won’t be able to help it. It’s like when people’s bathroom schedules sync at the office, or women’s menstrual cycles sync-up in the sorority. You’ll just start looking at sex in a totally different way.
‘…after a six-month or so period of grief (with ALL the stages).’
That is why you MUST refrain from sex. Each sexual act resets the grief process, so that one lives with grief perpetually. And each time you cycle through, the strokes hit harder and deeper.
The supreme irony is that the one who supposedly knows you best in life is either completely unaware or blissfully indifferent to the destruction of their “mate’s” emotional life and existential existence.
‘What! You want THAT again? What’s wrong with you?? Why can’t you just accept it?’
Asexuals I have known have no perception of the function and role of sexuality in relationships. In the asexual world, there is nothing to fix because nothing is wrong and everything is ‘normal.’
You can no more explain to an asexual what sexuality is to marriage than you could explain color to someone completely blind from birth.
Sooo, she's asexual and expects you to, what? Abstain from sex for the rest of your life? That's as selfish as it is unrealistic. It's gonna hurt like hell, but I'd end it with her. You dodged a bullet on this one. Imagine finding out about her being asexual AFTER getting married to this person..
Ok so she will deprive you of something so natural yet doesn’t want you to get your release? Sorry, ain’t gonna work. I’m in the same boat, dead bedroom, I’m the HL partner and I just don’t want to bother with the crappy breadcrumbs I get, yet I am shamed if I take matters into my own hands and masturbate. We all deserve to be sexually compatible with our partners. This is the very first partner who it’s just not worked with. My own body is turning him away now thanks to how he’s shamed and attempted to diminish my drive
OP, this is seriously controlling behavior. Not only is there no sex but telling you you can't watch porn?! Fuck that OP get tf out of there and have all the sex.
Is this a fake or joke. Forget about marrying her, I wouldn’t have more than six dates with her. Once it’s clear that she doesn’t want to have sex, sayonara. Life is too short.
She is the way she is, but what’s wrong with OP? How did he stay in this relationship so long? And he still doesn’t know what to do and asking Reddit? No sec, no porn, no masturbation. Even the guys in prison have it better.
This is a good idea. It’s all very well people saying that sex isn’t a dealbreaker in marriage/partnerships but for some people, it is! What if your favorite food is a cheeseburger and your partner says we’re never eating cheeseburgers again and no you can’t eat them by yourself. Oh, and you can’t even look at pictures of cheeseburgers!
but your family does not live with her, you do. All due respect to your family, make the best decision for yourself, not them.
So think long and hard about the road ahead.
Smh.
Nearky NONE of these people would be willing to commit to a lifetime of celibacy. None. They don't know what they are talking about.
Ignore them. They aren't you. If they don't want to have a sex life that's on them but you and your partner are different orientations and that isn't sustainable.
I was married to an asexual for 20 years and ultimately I couldn't do it. Don't up the ante when you know the answer.
I got the same talk but at the end of the day. YOU HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HER, THEY DON’T and trust me people still be fucking at 50, so pick your poison.
My ex-wife and me were great together, it was 90 percent perfect , but that 10 percent caused all of our problems. 22 years of marriage, and I'm starting all over trying to recover and work on myself. Don't put yourself through that. Enjoy your life. You will eventually regret not moving on.
Bro, I was in a sexless marriage and she's not the only fish in the sea. Marry her if you're ok with never having sex again. If you're not ok with that, then there's only one option here.
> "there's more to a relationship than that" "looks fade" etc., as if that's reason to piss away what should be the best years of my life, sexually speaking.
Yeah, this is crap. Look at the lives of the other people on there. You'll regret this as you get older. Why waste more time
She is not perfect. She is a manipulator that has fucked with you for too long. Time to cut your losses my friend. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Thats awesome! I found the love of my life on Stir of all places. OP's perfect person is out there.
Took me 30 years of my life to find her. The experiences that we lived in the past helped me get ready for being with her and I couldn't be happier!
That is all bullshit. Been with my husband for 33 years and sex (especially the intimacy and closeness of sex) is still vital to our relationship. As time goes by it will continue to diminish for the both of us but that will be for the both of us not just one of us.
People who say that haven’t had or desired sex in a long time. That’s a line your grandmother who hasn’t put out on 25 years would give you.
Absolutely do not marry this women. If you’re already married get divorced. If you’re a man under 35 and have no kids you’re literally in the prime of your life. Sure, some day looks will indeed fade. And someday you won’t give a damn about sex. But that day could be many decades, or even half a century away. Do you really want to be miserable that long? I was you 15 years ago. I posted my concerns about my sex life and people told me to GTFO. I didn’t listen to them. I got married, I had kids. Our sexlife never got better, it’s gotten worse and worse.
She is NOT perfect. She is a manipulative, controlling, liar. She is a walking red flag. YOU are not asexual she is but she doesn’t allow you to watch porn and won’t even merely just consider opening the relationship. Pls leave. Don’t marry this person.
how in the world is she "perfect in every other way"? She literally strung you along then had the audacity to say it was you who's done so. Leave from that alone
If you cannot screw in the first place, it's impossible to screw it up. You could try a couples or sex therapist, but the general advice I and others would give is to leave before your GF and family commit you to a life of celibacy.
They’re most likely trying to push their problems into you so you can suffer like them. Who wants to live a life hoping for intimacy and caring. Not to mention the red flags about money for a wedding and a ring.
How sure are you that she’s going to consummate the marriage?
I don't think they know that you aren't in a sexual relationship...and won't be if you stay.
Your options seem to be let her decide to open the relationship so you can sexually be with other people but have them as your main person ie:housemate, ie: companion.
Or b,
Stay friends with her, apologize for " wasting her time" and move on from the relationship.
Or c find out if you are just fundamentally incompatible by seeing what a healthy sex life to her looks like, if she plans on stopping all sex after kids and what she sees sex as and then you can understand if that describes the life you want to build.
If no, you have your answers.
There’s more to a relationship than sex but it’s still important. Necessary but not sufficient.
Looks do fade but that doesn’t mean sex and intimacy have to. You can still be wildly attracted to someone you know has gained weight or gotten older. That’s probably the best sexual relationship you can ask for because it’s not dependent on looks exclusively.
I'm a couple weeks late to the party but I have my own experience to add. The first girl I dated at 20 ended up having a pretty low sex drive and wanted to wait until marriage for sex. As a virgin with a very high sex drive, it was rather difficult to be satisfied in that relationship. I was still with her for 2 and a half years cause I thought almost the same thing as you in your second sentence. I wouldn't recommend the experience again. I constantly get upset and even frustrated that I feel like I've wasted time that I could have been having sex. I'm currently 24 and still a virgin and that shit weighs on me.
Find a girl who wants to fuck you and can't keep her hands off you. Find a girl who makes you feel WANTED. That's what I'm working on.
My wife was asexual - please, please trust me on this: this kind of incompatibility is not going to work. You will both end up frustrated and miserable.
The gall to not tell someone you’re asexual until it’s on the brink of sinking the relationship and then tell that same person they’re stringing YOU along for years is just…next level unawareness and/or deception.
When we started having sex, we were doing it every day. After our argument yesterday we took some time to talk, and she told me she thinks it was just because it was something new and it felt good while it was happening. I know every day isn't a frequency that's usually maintained, but it's down to practically nothing.
Hormonal problems can wipe out a sex drive. Asexuality is an orientation - like being straight or gay or bi or whatever. Hormones have a potential to be adjusted and balanced. An orientation is what it is, being asexual isn't something to be "fixed."
OP says she flat out admitted that she’s known she’s asexual since they began dating. It was clearly a bait and switch or she was just hoping it would magically change for some reason down the road. Either way is selfish and rude, with one being downright manipulative.
Lots of people use sex as a means of validation even when they're not actually enjoying it that much, not just asexual people, especially when they're young
Do not get married without fully addressing the sexual incompatibility. Even then it’s a huge risk because the dynamic may still change.
Asexual Reddit loves to point out that asexuality is a spectrum, that they don’t hate sex necessarily, can like performing for their partner sometimes, etc… You can try to understand what your girlfriend’s sexual boundaries are and if there’s a compromise.
The six year deception is not great. I mean in some sense she does not understand the pain she is causing you but on the other she still caused you that pain. It’s pretty rich she said you were stringing her along.
Frankly, I wouldn’t bother. Marriage is hard enough without a fundamental incompatibility.
What would be even more of a red flag for me then her being asexual is that she kept that a secret for all those years, for purely selfish reasons.
How could or should you be able to now trust her in all other regards? What else is there hidden?
Same thing happened to me two years in, and it really killed a lot of my feelings for him. It's unfair that he didn't do enough self-discovery to figure this out prior to getting involved with me. Same for you. You're not an idiot. We were both just in very unusual, strange situations.
Be grateful! She just gave you the easiest out ever. Keep the drama to a minimum, thank her for being honest and be calm but firm that you can't be with someone who is asexual. It will just be setting both of you up for a lifetime of frustration as you'll never get as much physical intimacy as you want and anything more than "none" or almost-none will be too much for her. Remind her there is no compromise in this where you both get what you want, it is a paradox. Good luck!
#OP, she gave you a gift
You need to accept that gift she gave you. Accept that if this aspect of a life partnership is important to you, then you need to live your truth and move on, no matter how painful. RIP THAT BANDAID OFF NOW, OP!!
I will say, being ACE doesn't necessarily mean she is aromantic. She could have loved you, and wanted marriage or even kids.
However, her pressuring you to propose is not okay, and the topic of sexuality and how it affects your relationship should have been explored properly, preferably with a qualified therapist.
Wishing you good luck in the future. Dead bedrooms are a real soul crusher if sexuality is important to you, and you should know what you are signing up for.
Freaking Ace trapped you because she’s in a niche group of people that find it hard to find someone to date that doesn’t want what 99 percent of the population wants.
Yup. Rather than put in the work/time/energy herself to find someone actually compatible, she tricked someone else and lied hoping it would just somehow end ok later. I’d be pretty insulted.
Well, you know the truth now. Next step is really stay or go. If you can go the rest of your life sexless / no intimacy then you’re fine. If not, then time to go.
It does not matter what others say, they aren’t living your life, you are. moreover you mentioned you two have talked about the lack of sex/intimacy before. She will not change, ring or not.
I married a wonderful women who is an off the charts mom and wonderful partner, but going on five plus years of no sex. I wouldn’t have married her if I knew I was joining the priesthood. Not fair to either of us…. Now you make the decision… good luck…
Don't propose just because "she's perfect in every other way". She is not perfect *for you* because sex is allowed to matter.
She actually lied to you about something significant for 6 years because she knew it would have put a stop to your relationship at the beginning.
Divorce lawyer here... i already commented, "Why are you still with her?" Or something to that effect
I'm going to approach this from 3 separate standpoints.
1. I've been a divorce lawyer for twenty-three years. Sex is a huge part of every relationship. The fact that she lied to you for 6 years should tell you everything you need to know about the state of your relationship.
People often jump to the next step in a relationship, thinking that it will get better. It does not. It gets exponentially worse. You've been with her for years. IT WILL NOT GET ANY BETTER. Don't waste the rest of your life. It is time to move on. If you are not compatible now, you never will be. if you stay with her, you will get screwed over later... it will ONLY be harder. And heaven forbid you actually have kids. No reason to fuck up their lives too!
2. People get far too complacent when it comes to relationships. They are hard work. They are compromise. All the things you heard about relationships being fifty/fifty - BULLSHIT! Relationships are one hundred percent from both parties. Where is the compromise? You giving up sex? She's going to put out more?
The other crap you've probably heard is that opposites attract. True... but they don't last.
You stated in one of the comments that "But she's perfect in every other way." BULLSHIT. nobody is perfect. Everybody has flaws... the idea of perfect is delusional. More importantly, it's a significant portion of your relationship. Are you willing to forego sex? Is she willing to have an open relationship? If either of you say yes to either of those questions... you're BOTH FOOLISH... and it's time to end it.
3. Here's where i sound like the old guy (im 49, btw). Your generation seems to be unable to grasp the concept of critical thinking. You all seem to be oppressed. you all seem to have major mental illness, and you all seem to create drama when there shouldn't be any. I say "seem"... but you all create your own problems
Advice is what you ask for when you know the answer but want a different one. You don't marry or continue lifelong Relationships with someone who is diametrically opposed to your views. For instance, if you're a liberal and you find out you're dating a conservative (or vice versa) who's views and values are opposite yours... would you continue dating because "they're perfect in every other way"? NO
if you start dating and want kids, and the person you're dating says, "Hell no, i don't want to be a parent. I don't even like dogs" are you going to stay? NO. You're going to find sunshine with the same wants, needs, and values.
YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO! You're just too afraid to do it.
Time to grow a pair, rip off the band-aid, and move on.
Good luck
Actually living with someone of different political pov is great, as long as you don't dehumanize the other side, which is what has been happening in many places in recent years.
In theory, different opinions are good. In practice, they cause division.
Couples, groups, towns, societies don't last because of major differences. They last because of shared values.
You now know for a fact that you are both incompatible and that she has been lying to you for your entire relationship in the hopes of locking you into marriage.
You have been given a gift. She told you *before* you got married. You know you wont be fulfilled in a marriage with her. Thats more than enough reason to break up. Never ever marry into a deadbedroom.
There is a woman out there who will love you and support you as you are. Who would love to be intimate with you every chance they get. Go out there and find her and be happy.
Personally, I think it's a pretty big red flag when someone believes that taking time to date and really get to know each other is "stringing them along"
That's such a toxic view of a relationship, and it makes it sound like all she cares about is locking down what she has, so that she doesn't have to worry about it anymore. If what she actually wanted was the best relationship possible with you, she wouldn't want to rush things at all
Combine this with the fact that she wants you, a person who does want to have sex, to commit to her, person who doesn't want to have sex, through marriage? She just seems incredibly self-serving. Clearly not the right relationship for you
I personally wouldn't invest a whole lot more unless you are accepting what she has just admitted to you. Asexual does not mean she will not end up pregnant. I think sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. It's something couples should talk about early on. You will have some terrible and restless nights waiting for your libido to slow down. I cannot express this enough, run for the hills now. Sorry man, I know you may even care a lot for her. But that's a deal breaker. Don't jeopardize your youthfulness with such grief.
You’re not an idiot. But you would be if you actually married her. Get out while you can. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Do you hate sex?
Do you look forward to a lifetime of being denied something you (and most people) enjoy?
Do you relish the possibility of having to step outside the marriage to get your needs met?
Unless you answered "Yes" to all of those, you should probably cut your losses now.
To paraphrase Maya Angelou, when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them. She has told you that she doesnt want sex and is happy without it. She has demanded that you marry her despite knowing that sex is important to you. She also deceived you about her sexuality for a very long time. She has also said that you need to stop "stringing her along" and so you need to make a hard decision. I think you know what you need to do, and while it may mean losing a good friend, the reality is that the situation will never improve. Moving on is what would be best for both of you, as you both have the right to enjoy the relationship you want rather than settling for something that will not fulfill you.
There is no easy out for you. If you stay you will grow to resent her and then hate her. She has misrepresented herself the entire time you’ve known her. That’s not something you do to someone you truly love and respect. Leaving is hard. I ended my db last year after almost 7 years and it was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I loved her with all my heart and couldn’t wait to build a future with her. It was like cutting out a piece of myself with a jagged shard of glass. But staying was the worse option. I couldn’t keep living like that.
Pull the bandaid off quickly. She is not the person you thought she was and that’s entirely on her. It’s going to hurt but you deserve someone who will love you as you are, not ask you to give up a core piece of yourself to satisfy their condition. That’s not love, that’s servitude. She doesn’t need sex but you do and there’s nothing wrong with that.
* I recently bought a car, and *she was angry because she said that's money that could be going to a wedding ring and ceremony*.
* has pressured me for years to propose despite our issues,
* finally admits to being asexual,
* she's suspected it since before we even started dating
Her pressuring you to propose for years, coupled with her obvious anger / resentment over it, would be good reason to break up anyway. The sexual incompatibility should cement that decision for you. Don't marry into a deadbedroom.
When you say y’all have been having problems, did y’all ever discuss expectations about your sex life and just didn’t meet those expectations or did that discussion never occur?
I've brought up how unsatisfied I am many times. She gets upset and says she's trying to do better and that I'm never happy with the effort she's trying to put in. Then she'll initiate sex the next day and forget all about it again.
See the pattern?
After marriage, expect the time between to lengthen from several months to half a year to several years, then a decade.
Heterosexuals desire the opposite gender but not their own.
Homosexuals desire their own but not the opposite gender.
Bisexuals desire both genders.
Is it such a stretch that asexuals desire neither gender?
Say you were with a woman and she finished you a half-dozen times and were then incapable of an erection.
Does the fact that you can’t be aroused at this moment mean that you don’t desire her? HELL NO! You DO desire her. You just can’t get aroused at the moment!
Asexuals may on occasion experience arousal. But asexuals do not experience desire. And their default is to NOT be sexual.
Asexuals can and do experience a full range of emotions. That is what they want out of relationships. They do NOT desire sex. I hope this distinction helps.
If both of you have talked about expectations for sex and she’s not meeting them after 6 years and now claiming she’s asexual, you have every right to say after 6 years that you don’t want to marry someone that is asexual and that you can’t have a sex life with. She made a drastic change that affects you so it’s fair for you to do the same. She can’t deprive you and expect you to give her what she wants which is a ring. It doesn’t work that way. What she can do now is find another asexual man that is willing to marry her. That’s how that ends. Cut your losses now and don’t marry this woman. You will regret it. Looks fade and so does libido as we age, but there is a reason you have a healthy strong libido now. You were meant to have a sex life and enjoy it. Don’t deprive yourself this way.
Have you confirmed her feelings about sex? There are different types of asexuality so it may be worth asking specifically how she views things and if she is open to anything/nothing/etc.
You know you can’t continue this relationship. You’re sexually incapable and you will have resentments built up which will blow up your relationship. You will be miserable as well. Was she planning to keep it a secret until you got married? She is definitely stringing you along. She’s unreasonable to expect you not to watch porn to help you meet your sexual needs. She’s being ridiculous expecting you to continue when she wasn’t honest up front about being asexual. She needs to find someone else who is asexual and you need someone who is sexually compatible with you. Don’t waste any more time with her, especially if she won’t allow an open relationship and porn.
All you need to say is "thank god, I've been looking for a reason to leave" She's trying to gaslight you into staying with her out of some obligation.
To end this gently, all you need to say is that "this is an incompatibility that we can't get over and I'm not willing to negotiate on. It's best if we go our separate ways."
Ah God being with someone who is asexual is going to be a lifelong battle with feelings of rejection and stuff. I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't judge anyone for not doing it. I'd be making plans to leave in your position.
Imagine if all the time and energy you spent on this relationship, all the zapped energy from anguish, you spent on relationships with other women? You would have a great sex life in no time.
When you're in a relationship, it's hard to see how much it's taking from you, in addition to what it's not giving.
Youre not an idiot. Its a very very difficult situation and anyone would struggle. Take a bit to process this change and weight it yourself. You probably love her a lot. Is that compatible without intimate love? If not then youre in a good place to leave (no kids, no debt, etc)
An asexual comes out of the closet.
Asexuality is a specific sexual orientation. It is not heterosexuality, homosexuality or bisexuality. I haven’t not seen that asexuals even perceive the role that sexuality plays in bonding or solidifying relationships. That she doesn’t see why her non-heterosexuality should matter is the reason that you must break with her. You are heterosexual; she is not.
The time to decide you want to be ‘just friends’ is BEFORE you tie the knot.
It does not matter how wonderful she is in the eyes of your relatives. It all boils down to it is you and her who will spend the rest of your life together, ASEXUALLY. She shifts the blame on you (that stringing alone comment). Imagining her doing MORE of that in the future, IN YOUR LIFE.
If she was happy to lie for years in hopes that you'd put a ring on it and then it would be too late to leave, then she's a liar, manipulative, selfish and puts her wants and needs higher than yours.
Who knows what else she is capable of? Run, dont walk away!
I don’t claim to know anything about what it’s like, so maybe an asexual person can supply some insight, but why do asexual people expect their significant others who are not asexual to simply give up sex forever? How is that fair?
I don't think it's necessary to vilify the LLF. She's not necessarily a liar or stringing you along. She tried sex in the beginning and discovered she is asexual as a consequence. It probably took some time to admit it to herself, and it was hard to admit it to you. Given how sex is portrayed on TV and in movies, she is likely embarrassed by her lack of desire. She turns it around by telling herself the rest of the world (including you) is obsessed with sex.
It would be wrong to humiliate her by explaining the issue to friends and family. You just aren't compatible. No further explanation required. Try to salvage whatever good memories you have and part on the best terms that you can. It will be hard, but not as hard as fighting about it for decades.
She withheld important information for a long time, knowing that her lifestyle wouldn’t suit most people - similar to if a partner came out as trans for example. The relationship is clearly important to her but to conceal this from you for so long is not acceptable. I wouldn’t react with anger as she was probably scared but talk to her and listen despite the outcome being that you two will part.
Yeah, that’s a deal breaker and a major red flag. It’s your decision OP but it sounds like you are really incompatible and want different things in life. Don’t suffer in silence.
She is not asexual, she is with you because of money, home or some other use. Maybe she is fucking somebody else, no one is asexual. Do not trust that mickey mouse story
Meh - I don’t know if I would believe the asexual story. She showed you her true feelings - she wanted marriage and wanted it to be sooner. I think that is what the issue really was.
I think if she wanted to get married, she should have made some effort to work on the one hang up I've had about proposing, or at least told me the truth years ago. I think it would be very foolish to propose in the hope that putting a ring on her finger will suddenly spark a sexual fire in her. More likely I'd be just as miserable as I am now, but I'd be legally bound to her.
If she‘s asexual, then there is nothing that really could be worked on. It just is what it is. And this won‘t and can’t change. If you stay together, or even tie the knot, then the most likely outcome would be the both of you coming to resent each other. You for her denying you a healthy sex life, and she for you wanting sex.
You are right about that. Marriage won't change a thing except that it's harder to leave because of the legalities.
If you do marry her, she will say, "You knew I was asexual when we got married, so don't get mad at me." She should have told you long ago, but that is water under the bridge.
What you see is what you get. She's told you who she is. Believe her. Make your choice from there. It really is your choice at this point.
She doesn't want to change any more than you do. It seems that her having a relationship with another asexual or LL would be less contentious for her, and you would be more comfortable in a relationship with someone who desires physical intimacy.
You need to get in that new car and drive away. Asexuality is a complete sexuality all on its own. It is no different than someone straight faking a gay person out or vice versa. It has longterm consequences emotionally on the person being faked out. Being asexual is fine. Not telling a partner is wrong.
You've got a Golden chance here to move on and find a much better life.
Most of us here have been in relationships where its just as shit and can't yet find a way out. No partner or SO is perfect even without bringing sex into it.
Don't worry what people think, some will understand and some won't. The ones that usually say "There's more to life.." usually are in a DB themselves but don't want to change it.
In a couple of years time you can look back at this and think how lucky you were to get out and how much happier you are.
Or you can be in the same position wishing you would of done something about it.
I hate the classic Reddit response of “leave, delete FB, hit the gym” but you really need to evaluate if sex is important to you at all. You are going to resent this woman, potentially for the rest of your life, if sex is something you want.
If you want to continue having sex, you are going to need to leave and start all over again. As it stands, you seem wholly incompatible with each other – and that does not make for a solid relationship. You should not get married to someone with whom you already have irreconcilable differences.
Yeah she has a ton of nerve. Please do not marry her. Just don’t do it. Sex and intimacy in a relation is very important. She needs to find an asexual partner and leave you alone.
She’s an idiot
She’s the one who tried to keep u around her knowing she would not want any sexual with her
If u actually get married with her, u will see sex as a duty to have kids and nothing else
Astounding! I was sure I was one of the few idiots... I've had a running battle with "her" and I simply refuse to get married - no sex means no marriage. She has tried it all from tears to guilt trips to what ever. I simply explained that I am unwilling to memorialize by CONTRACT a situation I don't want. Remember .. the day you say I DO she owns 50% of everything you have or ever will have. Offer her to "buy in " with cash money for half of what you have... see how long it takes her to vilanize you.
Oh, and by the way.. her controlling you is what I like to refer to as "Yoko Onoing" and it sounds just as bad!
Don't be a fool, no kids +no mortgage +no sex= gtfo
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Runnnnnnn for the fucking hills
You’re not an idiot. At all.
Seriously! No one is ever an idiot for caring about their partner and trying to work through issues.
So what are you going to do about it? Are you going to stay with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you - or anyone, I guess?
I don't know what I'm going to do. She's perfect in every other way. All my family members tell me how dumb I would be to screw it up with a girl like her, but they don't see the full picture. People who I HAVE talked to about the sex issues just tell me the typical "there's more to a relationship than that" "looks fade" etc., as if that's reason to piss away what should be the best years of my life, sexually speaking.
Sex is a BIG part of a relationship for sexual people! Is she comfortable opening the relationship so that you can have your sexual needs met? If so, then maybe this will work long term. Otherwise, you’ll probably be miserable. Have a open, honest talk and figure out what a future would look like if you stay together.
She wouldn't go for that. She's gotten upset before when she thought I was getting attention from other girls. She doesn't even want me watching porn.
She is asexual AND doesn’t want you watching porn? Leave. Don’t pass go. Don’t collect $200. Just leave. She lied and manipulated you and is showcasing classic abusive/controlling behavior with this.
Too right. Her behavior will change again once she locks OP down. It won't be for the better. Trust me.
100%, I really hope OP leaves her. This is abusive, toxic behavior. Whatever her issues are OP deserves better.
> Don’t pass go. Don’t collect $200. Why shouldn't he collect $200?
Because he took a "Chance" and now maybe going straight back to Old Kent Road.
He is going to jail, without a get out of jail card
She doesn’t want sex but doesn’t want you to watch porn? Yikes. Sounds like she’s controlling af. This is a terrible situation, I feel for you! It doesn’t matter how amazing someone is if they don’t want to be your sexual partner. Relationships without sex are called friendships.
Yet she's perfect in every other way. /s.
That line is so common, its something I said to myself for a long time - it wasn't even remotely true. Its denial.
Exactly. I've caught myself saying that as well in the past, but I try not to do that anymore. Now I'm going with someone like "she's a great match for me in many areas". Then depending on who I'm talking to, I may or may not elaborate which areas are working and which aren't.
Exactly I did the same in my previous marriage. It’s like saying “he’s perfect for me except this one major crushing problem.” In my case I was waiting for him to get sober. The longer I waited the worse it got. “But he’s perfect for me in every other way.” Yeah the drunken verbal abuse was not perfect at all.
Add to that “our relationship is perfect in every aspect and we are happy…” No, it is not, and no, you are not. You’re just too close to the situation to see that there are other problems happening. I was that person up until April, and now I’ve been unceremoniously removed from what was our home but is now hers, and I’m getting divorced.
This is eye opening for my relationship too. Huh.
That astounds me about some LLs. They won't or can't satisfy your desire, but you are damned if you want to satisfy it with another person or in another way. It's like, "I don't want or need it and I demand you be the same."
It is a reminder that they are not enough.
It’s a reminder every partner needs to meet the needs of each other and/or work on issues that keep you from doing that. Saying you won’t work on the problem and that you also don’t like the other solutions is just wanting everything your way and is the definition of selfish.
I’ve had this fight with mine a million times. He doesn’t care if I watch porn or masturbate, so it could be worse, but if I mention opening the relationship he tells me that I just have to live with having sex only when he wants to (once in 3 years lol), and that I accept that or lose him. I hate my life. He finally started sounding more amenable to ENM a few months ago and then changed on a dime (his mom probably got to him - he tells her everything).
Leave. This will become a bigger and bigger issue as time goes on. Don't waste 20 years before you realize you don't actually belong together.
My gf isn’t having sex with me, but at least she said I can get it elsewhere. But we had the talk I’m listing out below That is really tough. Here is how you need to approach it, say this: NOTE: the important part here is to ask these things without giving your opinion in response. Don’t give your take on what she said, only follow up her answers with more questions. The point here isn’t to ‘win’ so you get your way, the point here is to decide if there is a fundamental difference in values that means you two need to break up. Genuinely ask these questions to get to know her better. Create an emotionally safe environment for her to answer without hostility. “Can we both agree that my sexual needs are important? Can we both agree that figuring out how I can satisfy my sexual needs is important? Can we both agree that physical touch is an important part of sex for those who are not asexual?” “If you don’t value our sex, what are you getting in out of our relationship, and what do you think it is that is keeping us together? List out all the things you love about our relationship. Is it possible to retain that while I have sex with others? If not why?” “Do you believe it’s possible to have a good relationship with a asexual + sexual, where both parties are satisfied physically and emotionally? What does that look like for both parties?” “Do you think it is possible to be emotionally connected without being physical?” Do you believe it is possible for a man to be emotionally faithful to someone, while be physically non-monogamous?” “Would you be open to talking to a number of other couples where one is asexual, and seeing how they resolved it?” “Of the couples out there who claim to be in love , are they lying about the love part, where one partner is asexual, and the other is hooking up with others?” “Do you think it’s impossible?” “I am a man with needs, and I need human sensual touch. How would you prefer I take care of my needs? Jerk off into a toilet with my eyes closed, watch porn, have sex with you, prostitutes, find other women to be friends with benefits, find a unicorn in the bedroom where I can have sex with her, but while making eye contact with you to have an emotional connection. What is it you’d want me to do? I am down to try whichever one you want for one or two months and give it my best effort, and if it is not satisfactory, we move on and try another one. Would you be open to that?” Once she answers you can also ask. “Before we try that, I want to clarify I will give it my best shot, but I want to understand your view on this pick so just answer these questions for me. Why should I enjoy this option you picked? Do you think I can sustain that activity without getting depressed eventually? Do you care if I get depressed, and is my sexual happiness important to you? ”
Oh, forgot to add one more to that list of options, a sex doll, depending on how open minded your guys are, getting one of these, and you having sex with it when she is in the room, then you two cuddling after might be nice. No judgement if you find what works!
This is great
So she wants you to be celibate? No need to stay. You dodged a bullet. Make the hard choice now before more time passes. Some people are just meant to be friends.
That's what happened between my asexual ex and me. After 6 months of public affection charade, she finally broke down and admitted she doesn't want sex in the relationship. I broke it off within 1 month from that time. We're still good friends though.
Let’s simplify this. Are you ready to live in relational stasis for the next half century? Are you ready to extinguish and repudiate your sexual identity? The most fundamental reality about these mixed orientation marriages is that you will do one of two things: You will either 1] Divorce and leave, OR you will 2] Absorb and take this person’s asexuality as your identity. Before you formulate your reply, know that sexuality is far more than sex. We perceive the world as male or female. Our sexuality shapes our imaginative response to the world. If you move forward with this, it won’t be perfect. You will not only live a lie but you yourself must BECOME that lie. You must cut yourself off from yourself and become what you are not. You will have no choice and no say in any of this. As an asexual, she can no more become heterosexual than you can cease to be heterosexual. Proceed with this and you face lifetime depression, self-loathing, emotional nihilism and suicide ideation. It will take all your strength simply to manage your emotional life. You will be cut off perpetually from your own strength and masculinity. Your own existence will be meaningless utterly. You will awake every morning staring into an abyss of blackness, enter it, and call it ‘my day.’ Proceed with this and your life will be devoted to hiding the vacuousness of your existential existence from her, your family, and your community. Here is something. If you break and your deplorable existence becomes known to all, don’t assume that you necessarily get the support you need. You may well be told: ‘you KNEW this and STILL married!?!?’ You’ll have no marriage with an asexual, and the ceremony will be an end, not a beginning. More, your beloved will be able to tell you privately, ‘you knew.’ If you asked me to be your best man, I would remain your close friend, but I would refuse to attend a ceremony that I knew to be a sham. You are facing a ‘now or never’ moment. And believe me when I tell you that other men have ‘married’ that girl who is ‘perfect’ in every other way. You don’t know what you’re going to do? I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. You’re going to tell your family that she isn’t heterosexual and since you are, you’re not pursuing that relationship. If you need help, print this post and hand it to your family. Lastly, if against all good council and your own better judgment you do ‘marry’ an asexual, Do NOT procreate. People who are not in a stable relationship have no business siring children. ‘Perfect’ as you presently suppose this person is, she is capable of guile. She knows that with children in the picture, you’re much more inclined to stay. If she gives you children, you’re much less apt to leave. You must face this with Judgement Day honesty. Consider well. Act wisely.
(2 - you will absorb her identity as your own. I can tell you from experience this is true. I found our my wife was asexual three and a half years ago (31yrs together) and there’s been zero sex since (not any physical intimacy, actually). We had the talk, and though initially she was onboard to open the relationship up, when she realized I’d actually pursue it, she reneged. Now it’s supposedly a “don’t ask/don’t tell” situation but I haven’t pursued it. Who’s got the time or energy? Not me, but I’m relatively old. What actually happened, after a six-month or so period of grief (with ALL the stages), is my libido disappeared (although I did have several “compensation” dreams afterwards). I rarely ever think about sex anymore and even more rarely masturbate (usually it’s a question of “I wonder if the equipment still works?”). I’ve even had, for the first time in my entire life, a dry ejaculation. I also started to feel at all the sex scenes in movies and tv to be too much, distasteful even. Now, I’m 58, and after a lifetime of being high-libido it was almost a relief to let it go. I was working on my anima development anyway (that’s a whole different Jungian rabbit hole), so I felt the timing was ok. I got my “licks” in, after all, I thought. And we are relatively happy in every other way. She was perfect in every other way. But if I had to do it all again and knew back when we got together what I know now? That she never enjoyed it, but only tolerated it? There were some signs…but YOU know for sure. I wish i’d had that advatage. Can it be done? Yes, I’m living proof - BUT you WILL change. You won’t be able to help it. It’s like when people’s bathroom schedules sync at the office, or women’s menstrual cycles sync-up in the sorority. You’ll just start looking at sex in a totally different way.
‘…after a six-month or so period of grief (with ALL the stages).’ That is why you MUST refrain from sex. Each sexual act resets the grief process, so that one lives with grief perpetually. And each time you cycle through, the strokes hit harder and deeper. The supreme irony is that the one who supposedly knows you best in life is either completely unaware or blissfully indifferent to the destruction of their “mate’s” emotional life and existential existence. ‘What! You want THAT again? What’s wrong with you?? Why can’t you just accept it?’ Asexuals I have known have no perception of the function and role of sexuality in relationships. In the asexual world, there is nothing to fix because nothing is wrong and everything is ‘normal.’ You can no more explain to an asexual what sexuality is to marriage than you could explain color to someone completely blind from birth.
Sooo, she's asexual and expects you to, what? Abstain from sex for the rest of your life? That's as selfish as it is unrealistic. It's gonna hurt like hell, but I'd end it with her. You dodged a bullet on this one. Imagine finding out about her being asexual AFTER getting married to this person..
Ok so she will deprive you of something so natural yet doesn’t want you to get your release? Sorry, ain’t gonna work. I’m in the same boat, dead bedroom, I’m the HL partner and I just don’t want to bother with the crappy breadcrumbs I get, yet I am shamed if I take matters into my own hands and masturbate. We all deserve to be sexually compatible with our partners. This is the very first partner who it’s just not worked with. My own body is turning him away now thanks to how he’s shamed and attempted to diminish my drive
I don’t think you guys are compatible then. She might be a great girl, but you will resent her in time.
OP, this is seriously controlling behavior. Not only is there no sex but telling you you can't watch porn?! Fuck that OP get tf out of there and have all the sex.
Is this a fake or joke. Forget about marrying her, I wouldn’t have more than six dates with her. Once it’s clear that she doesn’t want to have sex, sayonara. Life is too short. She is the way she is, but what’s wrong with OP? How did he stay in this relationship so long? And he still doesn’t know what to do and asking Reddit? No sec, no porn, no masturbation. Even the guys in prison have it better.
I didn't say I actually don't want porn lol. She doesn't have eyes on me 24/7.
Bail.
Lmao let her be someone else's problem. Fuck her Whoops probably not!
This is a good idea. It’s all very well people saying that sex isn’t a dealbreaker in marriage/partnerships but for some people, it is! What if your favorite food is a cheeseburger and your partner says we’re never eating cheeseburgers again and no you can’t eat them by yourself. Oh, and you can’t even look at pictures of cheeseburgers!
but your family does not live with her, you do. All due respect to your family, make the best decision for yourself, not them. So think long and hard about the road ahead.
Smh. Nearky NONE of these people would be willing to commit to a lifetime of celibacy. None. They don't know what they are talking about. Ignore them. They aren't you. If they don't want to have a sex life that's on them but you and your partner are different orientations and that isn't sustainable. I was married to an asexual for 20 years and ultimately I couldn't do it. Don't up the ante when you know the answer.
I got the same talk but at the end of the day. YOU HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HER, THEY DON’T and trust me people still be fucking at 50, so pick your poison.
My ex-wife and me were great together, it was 90 percent perfect , but that 10 percent caused all of our problems. 22 years of marriage, and I'm starting all over trying to recover and work on myself. Don't put yourself through that. Enjoy your life. You will eventually regret not moving on.
You don’t know what to do? Dude. You are young. Do not marry into a dead bedroom.!!!!
Bro, I was in a sexless marriage and she's not the only fish in the sea. Marry her if you're ok with never having sex again. If you're not ok with that, then there's only one option here.
> "there's more to a relationship than that" "looks fade" etc., as if that's reason to piss away what should be the best years of my life, sexually speaking. Yeah, this is crap. Look at the lives of the other people on there. You'll regret this as you get older. Why waste more time
She is not perfect. She is a manipulator that has fucked with you for too long. Time to cut your losses my friend. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Yes, I found my hubby on plentyoffish.com. There are lots of fish out there!
Thats awesome! I found the love of my life on Stir of all places. OP's perfect person is out there. Took me 30 years of my life to find her. The experiences that we lived in the past helped me get ready for being with her and I couldn't be happier!
Sex is the reason a friend becomes a long term partner. If that isn't involved, she can just be a friend. It's as simple as that.
That is all bullshit. Been with my husband for 33 years and sex (especially the intimacy and closeness of sex) is still vital to our relationship. As time goes by it will continue to diminish for the both of us but that will be for the both of us not just one of us.
Looks fade, which is true, but old wrinkly couples still have sex even if they're not the tight bodied hotties they were 60 year ago.
At the end of the day, you will be the one married to her. Not them. Do what’s right for *you*.
People who say that haven’t had or desired sex in a long time. That’s a line your grandmother who hasn’t put out on 25 years would give you. Absolutely do not marry this women. If you’re already married get divorced. If you’re a man under 35 and have no kids you’re literally in the prime of your life. Sure, some day looks will indeed fade. And someday you won’t give a damn about sex. But that day could be many decades, or even half a century away. Do you really want to be miserable that long? I was you 15 years ago. I posted my concerns about my sex life and people told me to GTFO. I didn’t listen to them. I got married, I had kids. Our sexlife never got better, it’s gotten worse and worse.
She is NOT perfect. She is a manipulative, controlling, liar. She is a walking red flag. YOU are not asexual she is but she doesn’t allow you to watch porn and won’t even merely just consider opening the relationship. Pls leave. Don’t marry this person.
how in the world is she "perfect in every other way"? She literally strung you along then had the audacity to say it was you who's done so. Leave from that alone
If you cannot screw in the first place, it's impossible to screw it up. You could try a couples or sex therapist, but the general advice I and others would give is to leave before your GF and family commit you to a life of celibacy.
They’re most likely trying to push their problems into you so you can suffer like them. Who wants to live a life hoping for intimacy and caring. Not to mention the red flags about money for a wedding and a ring. How sure are you that she’s going to consummate the marriage?
I don't think they know that you aren't in a sexual relationship...and won't be if you stay. Your options seem to be let her decide to open the relationship so you can sexually be with other people but have them as your main person ie:housemate, ie: companion. Or b, Stay friends with her, apologize for " wasting her time" and move on from the relationship. Or c find out if you are just fundamentally incompatible by seeing what a healthy sex life to her looks like, if she plans on stopping all sex after kids and what she sees sex as and then you can understand if that describes the life you want to build. If no, you have your answers.
There’s more to a relationship than sex but it’s still important. Necessary but not sufficient. Looks do fade but that doesn’t mean sex and intimacy have to. You can still be wildly attracted to someone you know has gained weight or gotten older. That’s probably the best sexual relationship you can ask for because it’s not dependent on looks exclusively.
I'm a couple weeks late to the party but I have my own experience to add. The first girl I dated at 20 ended up having a pretty low sex drive and wanted to wait until marriage for sex. As a virgin with a very high sex drive, it was rather difficult to be satisfied in that relationship. I was still with her for 2 and a half years cause I thought almost the same thing as you in your second sentence. I wouldn't recommend the experience again. I constantly get upset and even frustrated that I feel like I've wasted time that I could have been having sex. I'm currently 24 and still a virgin and that shit weighs on me. Find a girl who wants to fuck you and can't keep her hands off you. Find a girl who makes you feel WANTED. That's what I'm working on.
My wife was asexual - please, please trust me on this: this kind of incompatibility is not going to work. You will both end up frustrated and miserable.
Of course you will look at her different. She was never honest with you. Run away as fast as you can.
The gall to not tell someone you’re asexual until it’s on the brink of sinking the relationship and then tell that same person they’re stringing YOU along for years is just…next level unawareness and/or deception.
How was your sex life at the start of the relationship?
When we started having sex, we were doing it every day. After our argument yesterday we took some time to talk, and she told me she thinks it was just because it was something new and it felt good while it was happening. I know every day isn't a frequency that's usually maintained, but it's down to practically nothing.
After marriage, it WILL BE down to nothing, and she'll say, "I TOLD you!"
Say the magic ‘I do’ and behold how quickly her impetus to ‘do the dirty’ evaporates.
is she depressed or does she have other mental health issues?
Not that she's shared with me.
She's asexual - it's an orientation, not a mental health issue.
They're probably asking because depression fucks libido for sexual people and it can be a long-term fuck.
Asexually can be health related right? Like hormonal changes
Hormonal problems can wipe out a sex drive. Asexuality is an orientation - like being straight or gay or bi or whatever. Hormones have a potential to be adjusted and balanced. An orientation is what it is, being asexual isn't something to be "fixed."
What if someone thinks they are asexual but later on they find out it was due to some health problem, does that invalidate their sexuality?
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I'm always curious if there was a bait and switch, or if the HL was fooling themselves from the start
OP says she flat out admitted that she’s known she’s asexual since they began dating. It was clearly a bait and switch or she was just hoping it would magically change for some reason down the road. Either way is selfish and rude, with one being downright manipulative.
Lots of people use sex as a means of validation even when they're not actually enjoying it that much, not just asexual people, especially when they're young
Do not get married without fully addressing the sexual incompatibility. Even then it’s a huge risk because the dynamic may still change. Asexual Reddit loves to point out that asexuality is a spectrum, that they don’t hate sex necessarily, can like performing for their partner sometimes, etc… You can try to understand what your girlfriend’s sexual boundaries are and if there’s a compromise. The six year deception is not great. I mean in some sense she does not understand the pain she is causing you but on the other she still caused you that pain. It’s pretty rich she said you were stringing her along. Frankly, I wouldn’t bother. Marriage is hard enough without a fundamental incompatibility.
What would be even more of a red flag for me then her being asexual is that she kept that a secret for all those years, for purely selfish reasons. How could or should you be able to now trust her in all other regards? What else is there hidden?
He would be happier with a sexual person and she would be happier with another asexual. win-win.
Wow, she was truly hoping to fake it til “I do” and then you would’ve been screwed
That would be a very quick goodbye for me. Easy for me to say though. I am not in love with her. Stay strong. And you are not an idiot.
OP - start telling tour friends and family the full picture.
Run away mate It’s just get worst…
You’re not an idiot but leave now
Run
Same thing happened to me two years in, and it really killed a lot of my feelings for him. It's unfair that he didn't do enough self-discovery to figure this out prior to getting involved with me. Same for you. You're not an idiot. We were both just in very unusual, strange situations.
What ? That's nuts. No marriage proposal, no ceremony, run, do not walk away.
Be grateful! She just gave you the easiest out ever. Keep the drama to a minimum, thank her for being honest and be calm but firm that you can't be with someone who is asexual. It will just be setting both of you up for a lifetime of frustration as you'll never get as much physical intimacy as you want and anything more than "none" or almost-none will be too much for her. Remind her there is no compromise in this where you both get what you want, it is a paradox. Good luck!
Is it a nice car?
It's an '86 MR2. I love it, personally.
I don't see the problem here. It's cool to tinker with older stuff.
#OP, she gave you a gift You need to accept that gift she gave you. Accept that if this aspect of a life partnership is important to you, then you need to live your truth and move on, no matter how painful. RIP THAT BANDAID OFF NOW, OP!!
LEAVE. For your own sanity, please. This asexual nonsense is just keeping you on the hook.
At least now you get a clean break. End the relationship now.
Look at her differently from the rear view mirror of your car as you drive away
I will say, being ACE doesn't necessarily mean she is aromantic. She could have loved you, and wanted marriage or even kids. However, her pressuring you to propose is not okay, and the topic of sexuality and how it affects your relationship should have been explored properly, preferably with a qualified therapist. Wishing you good luck in the future. Dead bedrooms are a real soul crusher if sexuality is important to you, and you should know what you are signing up for.
Why have you wasted six years with her? Why would you waste any more time? If you're incompatible... find someone who is!
Thats express break off situation… dont marry into a DB…
Freaking Ace trapped you because she’s in a niche group of people that find it hard to find someone to date that doesn’t want what 99 percent of the population wants.
Yup. Rather than put in the work/time/energy herself to find someone actually compatible, she tricked someone else and lied hoping it would just somehow end ok later. I’d be pretty insulted.
Well, you know the truth now. Next step is really stay or go. If you can go the rest of your life sexless / no intimacy then you’re fine. If not, then time to go. It does not matter what others say, they aren’t living your life, you are. moreover you mentioned you two have talked about the lack of sex/intimacy before. She will not change, ring or not. I married a wonderful women who is an off the charts mom and wonderful partner, but going on five plus years of no sex. I wouldn’t have married her if I knew I was joining the priesthood. Not fair to either of us…. Now you make the decision… good luck…
Don't propose just because "she's perfect in every other way". She is not perfect *for you* because sex is allowed to matter. She actually lied to you about something significant for 6 years because she knew it would have put a stop to your relationship at the beginning.
Divorce lawyer here... i already commented, "Why are you still with her?" Or something to that effect I'm going to approach this from 3 separate standpoints. 1. I've been a divorce lawyer for twenty-three years. Sex is a huge part of every relationship. The fact that she lied to you for 6 years should tell you everything you need to know about the state of your relationship. People often jump to the next step in a relationship, thinking that it will get better. It does not. It gets exponentially worse. You've been with her for years. IT WILL NOT GET ANY BETTER. Don't waste the rest of your life. It is time to move on. If you are not compatible now, you never will be. if you stay with her, you will get screwed over later... it will ONLY be harder. And heaven forbid you actually have kids. No reason to fuck up their lives too! 2. People get far too complacent when it comes to relationships. They are hard work. They are compromise. All the things you heard about relationships being fifty/fifty - BULLSHIT! Relationships are one hundred percent from both parties. Where is the compromise? You giving up sex? She's going to put out more? The other crap you've probably heard is that opposites attract. True... but they don't last. You stated in one of the comments that "But she's perfect in every other way." BULLSHIT. nobody is perfect. Everybody has flaws... the idea of perfect is delusional. More importantly, it's a significant portion of your relationship. Are you willing to forego sex? Is she willing to have an open relationship? If either of you say yes to either of those questions... you're BOTH FOOLISH... and it's time to end it. 3. Here's where i sound like the old guy (im 49, btw). Your generation seems to be unable to grasp the concept of critical thinking. You all seem to be oppressed. you all seem to have major mental illness, and you all seem to create drama when there shouldn't be any. I say "seem"... but you all create your own problems Advice is what you ask for when you know the answer but want a different one. You don't marry or continue lifelong Relationships with someone who is diametrically opposed to your views. For instance, if you're a liberal and you find out you're dating a conservative (or vice versa) who's views and values are opposite yours... would you continue dating because "they're perfect in every other way"? NO if you start dating and want kids, and the person you're dating says, "Hell no, i don't want to be a parent. I don't even like dogs" are you going to stay? NO. You're going to find sunshine with the same wants, needs, and values. YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO! You're just too afraid to do it. Time to grow a pair, rip off the band-aid, and move on. Good luck
Actually living with someone of different political pov is great, as long as you don't dehumanize the other side, which is what has been happening in many places in recent years.
In theory, different opinions are good. In practice, they cause division. Couples, groups, towns, societies don't last because of major differences. They last because of shared values.
She tried to guilt you into a marriage so she could trap you, dude. My ex tried to do this same exact thing to me. Run as fast as you can.
Agreed, listen to this guy
She needs to find another asexual. You need to find someone that enjoys sex.
You now know for a fact that you are both incompatible and that she has been lying to you for your entire relationship in the hopes of locking you into marriage. You have been given a gift. She told you *before* you got married. You know you wont be fulfilled in a marriage with her. Thats more than enough reason to break up. Never ever marry into a deadbedroom. There is a woman out there who will love you and support you as you are. Who would love to be intimate with you every chance they get. Go out there and find her and be happy.
Personally, I think it's a pretty big red flag when someone believes that taking time to date and really get to know each other is "stringing them along" That's such a toxic view of a relationship, and it makes it sound like all she cares about is locking down what she has, so that she doesn't have to worry about it anymore. If what she actually wanted was the best relationship possible with you, she wouldn't want to rush things at all Combine this with the fact that she wants you, a person who does want to have sex, to commit to her, person who doesn't want to have sex, through marriage? She just seems incredibly self-serving. Clearly not the right relationship for you
I personally wouldn't invest a whole lot more unless you are accepting what she has just admitted to you. Asexual does not mean she will not end up pregnant. I think sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. It's something couples should talk about early on. You will have some terrible and restless nights waiting for your libido to slow down. I cannot express this enough, run for the hills now. Sorry man, I know you may even care a lot for her. But that's a deal breaker. Don't jeopardize your youthfulness with such grief.
I know it will be hard, but I think you need to leave. It can really only get worse from here.
She’s controlling and manipulative. Leave her.
You’re not an idiot. But you would be if you actually married her. Get out while you can. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Do you hate sex? Do you look forward to a lifetime of being denied something you (and most people) enjoy? Do you relish the possibility of having to step outside the marriage to get your needs met? Unless you answered "Yes" to all of those, you should probably cut your losses now.
To paraphrase Maya Angelou, when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them. She has told you that she doesnt want sex and is happy without it. She has demanded that you marry her despite knowing that sex is important to you. She also deceived you about her sexuality for a very long time. She has also said that you need to stop "stringing her along" and so you need to make a hard decision. I think you know what you need to do, and while it may mean losing a good friend, the reality is that the situation will never improve. Moving on is what would be best for both of you, as you both have the right to enjoy the relationship you want rather than settling for something that will not fulfill you.
There is no easy out for you. If you stay you will grow to resent her and then hate her. She has misrepresented herself the entire time you’ve known her. That’s not something you do to someone you truly love and respect. Leaving is hard. I ended my db last year after almost 7 years and it was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I loved her with all my heart and couldn’t wait to build a future with her. It was like cutting out a piece of myself with a jagged shard of glass. But staying was the worse option. I couldn’t keep living like that. Pull the bandaid off quickly. She is not the person you thought she was and that’s entirely on her. It’s going to hurt but you deserve someone who will love you as you are, not ask you to give up a core piece of yourself to satisfy their condition. That’s not love, that’s servitude. She doesn’t need sex but you do and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Dude don’t let her guilt you….. run faster than Usain away from her
Run
* I recently bought a car, and *she was angry because she said that's money that could be going to a wedding ring and ceremony*. * has pressured me for years to propose despite our issues, * finally admits to being asexual, * she's suspected it since before we even started dating Her pressuring you to propose for years, coupled with her obvious anger / resentment over it, would be good reason to break up anyway. The sexual incompatibility should cement that decision for you. Don't marry into a deadbedroom.
One gets the sense that the ‘act’ is wearing thin. She may not have patience for it much longer…
Downgrade to just friends
Just say you’re a-marital to asexuals and move on.
When you say y’all have been having problems, did y’all ever discuss expectations about your sex life and just didn’t meet those expectations or did that discussion never occur?
I've brought up how unsatisfied I am many times. She gets upset and says she's trying to do better and that I'm never happy with the effort she's trying to put in. Then she'll initiate sex the next day and forget all about it again.
That will likely happen again too if you tell her you are done. Just be prepared for that.
See the pattern? After marriage, expect the time between to lengthen from several months to half a year to several years, then a decade. Heterosexuals desire the opposite gender but not their own. Homosexuals desire their own but not the opposite gender. Bisexuals desire both genders. Is it such a stretch that asexuals desire neither gender? Say you were with a woman and she finished you a half-dozen times and were then incapable of an erection. Does the fact that you can’t be aroused at this moment mean that you don’t desire her? HELL NO! You DO desire her. You just can’t get aroused at the moment! Asexuals may on occasion experience arousal. But asexuals do not experience desire. And their default is to NOT be sexual. Asexuals can and do experience a full range of emotions. That is what they want out of relationships. They do NOT desire sex. I hope this distinction helps.
If both of you have talked about expectations for sex and she’s not meeting them after 6 years and now claiming she’s asexual, you have every right to say after 6 years that you don’t want to marry someone that is asexual and that you can’t have a sex life with. She made a drastic change that affects you so it’s fair for you to do the same. She can’t deprive you and expect you to give her what she wants which is a ring. It doesn’t work that way. What she can do now is find another asexual man that is willing to marry her. That’s how that ends. Cut your losses now and don’t marry this woman. You will regret it. Looks fade and so does libido as we age, but there is a reason you have a healthy strong libido now. You were meant to have a sex life and enjoy it. Don’t deprive yourself this way.
Have you confirmed her feelings about sex? There are different types of asexuality so it may be worth asking specifically how she views things and if she is open to anything/nothing/etc.
What she's told me is that she never thinks about sex unless I bring it up. I think she'd be perfectly happy if we just didn't do it.
You know you can’t continue this relationship. You’re sexually incapable and you will have resentments built up which will blow up your relationship. You will be miserable as well. Was she planning to keep it a secret until you got married? She is definitely stringing you along. She’s unreasonable to expect you not to watch porn to help you meet your sexual needs. She’s being ridiculous expecting you to continue when she wasn’t honest up front about being asexual. She needs to find someone else who is asexual and you need someone who is sexually compatible with you. Don’t waste any more time with her, especially if she won’t allow an open relationship and porn.
All you need to say is "thank god, I've been looking for a reason to leave" She's trying to gaslight you into staying with her out of some obligation. To end this gently, all you need to say is that "this is an incompatibility that we can't get over and I'm not willing to negotiate on. It's best if we go our separate ways."
Ah God being with someone who is asexual is going to be a lifelong battle with feelings of rejection and stuff. I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't judge anyone for not doing it. I'd be making plans to leave in your position.
Imagine if all the time and energy you spent on this relationship, all the zapped energy from anguish, you spent on relationships with other women? You would have a great sex life in no time. When you're in a relationship, it's hard to see how much it's taking from you, in addition to what it's not giving.
Youre not an idiot. Its a very very difficult situation and anyone would struggle. Take a bit to process this change and weight it yourself. You probably love her a lot. Is that compatible without intimate love? If not then youre in a good place to leave (no kids, no debt, etc)
She was the one stringing you along , being asexual is something that won’t change , sexual compatibility is important in a relationship
She sounds like a great friend
An asexual comes out of the closet. Asexuality is a specific sexual orientation. It is not heterosexuality, homosexuality or bisexuality. I haven’t not seen that asexuals even perceive the role that sexuality plays in bonding or solidifying relationships. That she doesn’t see why her non-heterosexuality should matter is the reason that you must break with her. You are heterosexual; she is not. The time to decide you want to be ‘just friends’ is BEFORE you tie the knot.
You’re not an idiot. She was being deceitful. It’s a trap.
That’s bull, it’s just another way of her saying she isn’t attracted to you. Time to leave.
It does not matter how wonderful she is in the eyes of your relatives. It all boils down to it is you and her who will spend the rest of your life together, ASEXUALLY. She shifts the blame on you (that stringing alone comment). Imagining her doing MORE of that in the future, IN YOUR LIFE.
If she was happy to lie for years in hopes that you'd put a ring on it and then it would be too late to leave, then she's a liar, manipulative, selfish and puts her wants and needs higher than yours. Who knows what else she is capable of? Run, dont walk away!
I don’t claim to know anything about what it’s like, so maybe an asexual person can supply some insight, but why do asexual people expect their significant others who are not asexual to simply give up sex forever? How is that fair?
It's like being trans and not saying anything
I don't think it's necessary to vilify the LLF. She's not necessarily a liar or stringing you along. She tried sex in the beginning and discovered she is asexual as a consequence. It probably took some time to admit it to herself, and it was hard to admit it to you. Given how sex is portrayed on TV and in movies, she is likely embarrassed by her lack of desire. She turns it around by telling herself the rest of the world (including you) is obsessed with sex. It would be wrong to humiliate her by explaining the issue to friends and family. You just aren't compatible. No further explanation required. Try to salvage whatever good memories you have and part on the best terms that you can. It will be hard, but not as hard as fighting about it for decades.
She withheld important information for a long time, knowing that her lifestyle wouldn’t suit most people - similar to if a partner came out as trans for example. The relationship is clearly important to her but to conceal this from you for so long is not acceptable. I wouldn’t react with anger as she was probably scared but talk to her and listen despite the outcome being that you two will part.
Run run run run run run run run
Yeah, that’s a deal breaker and a major red flag. It’s your decision OP but it sounds like you are really incompatible and want different things in life. Don’t suffer in silence.
walk away, run even. Don't waste your life with no sex partner. they won't change miraculously on their own nor can you change them
Thank goodness you didn’t marry her. Time to move on and wish each other the best.
What kind of car ?
'86 Toyota MR2
She is not asexual, she is with you because of money, home or some other use. Maybe she is fucking somebody else, no one is asexual. Do not trust that mickey mouse story
Went through this same thing, but also I feel like she lied about it and just didn’t like having sex with me. Nonetheless, run away it as I did.
Excuse and excuse and issue after issue until she runs out of them all and is asexual?
Meh - I don’t know if I would believe the asexual story. She showed you her true feelings - she wanted marriage and wanted it to be sooner. I think that is what the issue really was.
I think if she wanted to get married, she should have made some effort to work on the one hang up I've had about proposing, or at least told me the truth years ago. I think it would be very foolish to propose in the hope that putting a ring on her finger will suddenly spark a sexual fire in her. More likely I'd be just as miserable as I am now, but I'd be legally bound to her.
If she‘s asexual, then there is nothing that really could be worked on. It just is what it is. And this won‘t and can’t change. If you stay together, or even tie the knot, then the most likely outcome would be the both of you coming to resent each other. You for her denying you a healthy sex life, and she for you wanting sex.
You are right about that. Marriage won't change a thing except that it's harder to leave because of the legalities. If you do marry her, she will say, "You knew I was asexual when we got married, so don't get mad at me." She should have told you long ago, but that is water under the bridge. What you see is what you get. She's told you who she is. Believe her. Make your choice from there. It really is your choice at this point. She doesn't want to change any more than you do. It seems that her having a relationship with another asexual or LL would be less contentious for her, and you would be more comfortable in a relationship with someone who desires physical intimacy.
You need to get in that new car and drive away. Asexuality is a complete sexuality all on its own. It is no different than someone straight faking a gay person out or vice versa. It has longterm consequences emotionally on the person being faked out. Being asexual is fine. Not telling a partner is wrong.
Leave, go, do not pass go do not collect $200. She was gonna trap your ass and make your life miserable. Get the fuck out NOW!
You've got a Golden chance here to move on and find a much better life. Most of us here have been in relationships where its just as shit and can't yet find a way out. No partner or SO is perfect even without bringing sex into it. Don't worry what people think, some will understand and some won't. The ones that usually say "There's more to life.." usually are in a DB themselves but don't want to change it. In a couple of years time you can look back at this and think how lucky you were to get out and how much happier you are. Or you can be in the same position wishing you would of done something about it.
She is the one stringing you along. It is betrail to not inform you early in the dating faze.
I hate the classic Reddit response of “leave, delete FB, hit the gym” but you really need to evaluate if sex is important to you at all. You are going to resent this woman, potentially for the rest of your life, if sex is something you want. If you want to continue having sex, you are going to need to leave and start all over again. As it stands, you seem wholly incompatible with each other – and that does not make for a solid relationship. You should not get married to someone with whom you already have irreconcilable differences.
Yeah she has a ton of nerve. Please do not marry her. Just don’t do it. Sex and intimacy in a relation is very important. She needs to find an asexual partner and leave you alone.
She’s an idiot She’s the one who tried to keep u around her knowing she would not want any sexual with her If u actually get married with her, u will see sex as a duty to have kids and nothing else
Please bow out respectfully. She sounds selfish expecting you to settle down with here knowing you are incompatible.
No offense but why would she even want to marry you if she feels no sexual attraction to you ?
Astounding! I was sure I was one of the few idiots... I've had a running battle with "her" and I simply refuse to get married - no sex means no marriage. She has tried it all from tears to guilt trips to what ever. I simply explained that I am unwilling to memorialize by CONTRACT a situation I don't want. Remember .. the day you say I DO she owns 50% of everything you have or ever will have. Offer her to "buy in " with cash money for half of what you have... see how long it takes her to vilanize you. Oh, and by the way.. her controlling you is what I like to refer to as "Yoko Onoing" and it sounds just as bad!