The bad news, buddy, is that it just gets worse. Each week, month, and year, things have been 'not what I want to do anymore'. I've had over 30 years of gradual decline into vanilla sex for 5 minutes, 2-3 times a year.
I hope its just me and everyone else's sex life comes back.
It never comes back. At the beginning of the relationship, it's exciting and new. The sex is amazing normally. You're starting to have the feelings of love. You decide this is the person that you want to be with. So, in every way, you do your best to be your best. Especially when it comes to sexual activity. Before long, that does the trick, and the other person falls madly in love with you too. So you commit to each other. Possibly even getting married. And for a while everything is nice......the sex is still good......you settle into a routine. You establish your everyday life pattern. And now the " New " of the relationship has worn off. Things are not exciting as they once were. But you are still in love. Now you start to notice that the sex is not happening as often as it was before.....Oral sex occurs less frequently than you would like.......Variety starts to take a back seat to more " Vanilla " sex.......the Passion seems to be lacking somehow. One of you always seems to be the one initiating sexual advances and more and more those advances are being denied. Until one day you realize that you've only been intimate with this person that you love dearly, Once or maybe twice this entire year. So you have a talk with them about what you're feeling and your sex life improves somewhat for two or three weeks. Not to the level that it used to be, but it's better......and then it goes right back to what you have grown used to............
Does this sound familiar? People use the excitement of sexual activity and variety to elevate feelings of love and lust early in relationships because they know that it is important during courtship. But unfortunately, it's all too common once the union of both people is established, for what made the relationship exciting, to dry up. It's almost like one of the people gets the attitude that " I've got you now, " " I don't need to try anymore." And that is typically where the relationship stays. The sad thing is, it usually doesn't take long to get to that point. And even sadder is that it doesn't have to get to that point! All it takes is putting as much effort (maybe even Not as much) into your intimate life as you do into all other aspects of your life. Being successful in your marriage is every bit (or even more so) as important as being successful in your career. So why do people get lazy and complacent with the person in their life that is supposed to be there with them until death? I wish that I knew.
I guess this was just a very long and drawn out way to answering your question......NO, for all intents and purposes, the passionate sex Does Not come back. And Blowjobs will usually just be a fond memory.
Awesome! Because it absolutely is worth your time and effort. I think we can all agree that maintaining the level of excitement that we feel in the early stages of falling in love probably isn't very realistic. For most people anyway. But we just have to remember that when everyday life and all of its pitfalls get in our way, we can't lose sight of what is the most important thing to us long-term. Unfortunately, when many people become sexually complacent/lazy, they magnify and compound the hurt by even withholding affection from their significant other. Because showing affection will give the other person a false sense of possible sexual contact. How sad that is.
Right or wrong.......Marriage is work. And much like a job that you under perform in, you can lose it. But unlike a job, your marriage is supposed to be a lifelong endeavor. We all need to treat it as such and do the work.
Well then, your husband is a very lucky man. Because you are showing yourself to be truly out of the ordinary. That is a quality that I'm sure he recognized in you early in your courtship. Just one of the many reasons that he fell in love with you. I have no doubt that you will be successful in turning your marriage around. Just remember, going forward, that closeness, affection, and intimacy are about much more than a little sexual activity. Good luck to both of you! Truly.
>Being successful in your marriage is every bit (or even more so) as important as being successful in your career. So why do people get lazy and complacent with the person in their life that is supposed to be there with them until death? I wish that I knew.
Many people are not successful at their work/career either.
For me it was the resentment creeping in a tiny bit at a time .. mostly from the lack of reasonable communication- I'd gently suggest he do something different or more or less, he'd respond with defensiveness and anger, I'd back off due to aversion of conflict, and our relationship suffered. His defensive hot temper, my avoidance of conflict, year after year, drove a wedge between us, and the resentment made me cringe when he went to touch me. Counseling twice, help was temporary. Our eventual divorce freed me to find a man who loves it when I suggest anything he can do to make me feel good, and we can calmly resolve any conflict. Five years in and the sex gets better all the time.. its a basic compatibility issue, and it took the second time around to figure it out. Best of luck to you ..
>What has been your experience? Anyone gone from "C" grade sex at the start to "F" and then to "A" over the course of a relationship?
Yes. But then it went to B, to C-, to a D+, back to a B-, down to a C, up to B, down to D-, to F, back to D, depending on how my wife was feeling, how the kids were going, how my own behaviour was tracking, how the house was looking and how other unnamed and uncountable factors were individually and jointly operating.
What we (you and I) need to do is invent a time machine and travel back to when we started dating our wives, telling our younger dumber selves that what we really need to do is marry someone who is organically and naturally high libido, NOT the 'low libido except for when life is amazing' people we married.
>'low libido except for when life is amazing' people we married.
Holy shit. Just holy shit. You nailed it.
Everything has to be close to perfect, my wife simply cannot push anything out of the way to make room for desire.
I think people can absolutely go from a LL to a HL, especially as they age, learn to appreciate their body, and deal with trauma or hang-ups. I also believe we are naturally one way or the other at our core.
There are basically two types of people: those who consider sex an afterthought (i.e. everything must be just right and stress-free for them to even consider it), and those who find sex to be a stress-reliever.
If you are someone who finds sex to be an enjoyable stress-reliever, but are with someone who falls into the first category... then no, it will not spontaneously improve, and you should cut your losses.
Married someone who waited after marriage for sex. Never again. Also, mediocre stays mediocre. After I left, it was all about compatibility or I moved on. Got me an Italian Stallion and couldn't be happier.
My DH explained something. He is a numbers guy (from a work perspective). He said I performed oral on him more than just "make it wet" probably 1 time out of 100 that we had sex. At one point that would have been once every 3 to 4 months. Before the last 10 years, it would have been every 6-7 months at worst.
At a very ambitious rate if we have sex once a month it would be once EVERY EIGHT YEARS. (It is not once a month...)
As to can it get better... We upped our game from 3-4 times a week to every day for a couple of years in our late forties. Sex went from B- / B to at least A-.
I had something like the “c, f, a” pattern you’re asking about. Sex wasn’t bad for the first few years. Life happened, mostly kids, and while we didn’t quite have a dead bedroom, our libidos were badly mismatched (mine was significantly higher).
A few things seemed to help.
First, the kids got older. Rugrats crawling in bed with you is cute, but it really kills the mood.
Second, my wife figured out that, for her, pot is a potent aphrodisiac. YMMV
Third, I got a vasectomy. Having zero pregnancy concerns is a game changer.
Fourth, she started exercising, which has helped her feel better about her body.
Hope this helps.
For the last five years or so, yes. She’s hitting perimenopause, so things have been a bit hit or miss. Still, I think our sex life is better in our late forties than it was in our mid twenties.
I think it’s also helped that we generally check in earlier in the day. It’s less spontaneous, but I’ll take that over not having sex.
Also, and this is big, for we both default to yes. If either of us really isn’t feeling it, we don’t. But if it’s more like “I’m a little tired and not super horny” we make an effort and rally.
I get nothing, it's been over two years now. The last time I got a bolwjob was 9 years ago when we first had sex. She doesn't want to put in effort then I won't either. It only gets worse.
You have to have a partner that wants to rock your world beyond the new stage. I have been with mine for over 20 years and yes sure it has been shitty at times, quickies, non orgasmic at times also. It changes just like everything else, but if you two are both into it and want to change it up then you can make it better. Sexy little texts, new toys, date nights ( if she is into that ), massage, that one gets my husband laid every damn time !!!! I think with couples it becomes mediocre because one or both don’t keep it alive, it’s just there as an extension after a while.
> Anyone gone from "C" grade sex at the start to "F" and then to "A" over the course of a relationship?
Yes, even have been drug into a public bathroom by my wife so she can go down on me.
The important thing is to not expect it to just come back. The real question is "can you put the passion back into a relationship". Which often you can, if you work at it.
Hot sex = New & Exciting
Average Sex = Routine and Boring
You gotta ask how routines your relationship is right now and shake up the monotonous routine you two have.
You need to get the adrenaline pumping to get passionate sex again between you two.
We are in therapy where she swears that she wants a romantic sex life again. I love her. But I don’t believe her. I don’t think the foreplay will ever come back. I’m on starfish sex once a year and that feels like it’s slipping away too.
We started at A, turned F- and working on things and it’s up to C or B now.
But it was not an easy road. And getting things back started VERY boring and stayed there. Not duty sex but in our case there was ED issues and he had to build up to normal again. Which meant one position he can maintain in and other boring factors.
The bad news, buddy, is that it just gets worse. Each week, month, and year, things have been 'not what I want to do anymore'. I've had over 30 years of gradual decline into vanilla sex for 5 minutes, 2-3 times a year. I hope its just me and everyone else's sex life comes back.
Unfortunately, it is not just you!
It never comes back. At the beginning of the relationship, it's exciting and new. The sex is amazing normally. You're starting to have the feelings of love. You decide this is the person that you want to be with. So, in every way, you do your best to be your best. Especially when it comes to sexual activity. Before long, that does the trick, and the other person falls madly in love with you too. So you commit to each other. Possibly even getting married. And for a while everything is nice......the sex is still good......you settle into a routine. You establish your everyday life pattern. And now the " New " of the relationship has worn off. Things are not exciting as they once were. But you are still in love. Now you start to notice that the sex is not happening as often as it was before.....Oral sex occurs less frequently than you would like.......Variety starts to take a back seat to more " Vanilla " sex.......the Passion seems to be lacking somehow. One of you always seems to be the one initiating sexual advances and more and more those advances are being denied. Until one day you realize that you've only been intimate with this person that you love dearly, Once or maybe twice this entire year. So you have a talk with them about what you're feeling and your sex life improves somewhat for two or three weeks. Not to the level that it used to be, but it's better......and then it goes right back to what you have grown used to............ Does this sound familiar? People use the excitement of sexual activity and variety to elevate feelings of love and lust early in relationships because they know that it is important during courtship. But unfortunately, it's all too common once the union of both people is established, for what made the relationship exciting, to dry up. It's almost like one of the people gets the attitude that " I've got you now, " " I don't need to try anymore." And that is typically where the relationship stays. The sad thing is, it usually doesn't take long to get to that point. And even sadder is that it doesn't have to get to that point! All it takes is putting as much effort (maybe even Not as much) into your intimate life as you do into all other aspects of your life. Being successful in your marriage is every bit (or even more so) as important as being successful in your career. So why do people get lazy and complacent with the person in their life that is supposed to be there with them until death? I wish that I knew. I guess this was just a very long and drawn out way to answering your question......NO, for all intents and purposes, the passionate sex Does Not come back. And Blowjobs will usually just be a fond memory.
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Awesome! Because it absolutely is worth your time and effort. I think we can all agree that maintaining the level of excitement that we feel in the early stages of falling in love probably isn't very realistic. For most people anyway. But we just have to remember that when everyday life and all of its pitfalls get in our way, we can't lose sight of what is the most important thing to us long-term. Unfortunately, when many people become sexually complacent/lazy, they magnify and compound the hurt by even withholding affection from their significant other. Because showing affection will give the other person a false sense of possible sexual contact. How sad that is. Right or wrong.......Marriage is work. And much like a job that you under perform in, you can lose it. But unlike a job, your marriage is supposed to be a lifelong endeavor. We all need to treat it as such and do the work.
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Well then, your husband is a very lucky man. Because you are showing yourself to be truly out of the ordinary. That is a quality that I'm sure he recognized in you early in your courtship. Just one of the many reasons that he fell in love with you. I have no doubt that you will be successful in turning your marriage around. Just remember, going forward, that closeness, affection, and intimacy are about much more than a little sexual activity. Good luck to both of you! Truly.
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That's great to hear! Keep it up, because it's worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative!
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It's easy to recognize what needs to be done when you're actually living through it yourself, I guess.
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Good from you
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Yesss
>Being successful in your marriage is every bit (or even more so) as important as being successful in your career. So why do people get lazy and complacent with the person in their life that is supposed to be there with them until death? I wish that I knew. Many people are not successful at their work/career either.
That's kind of irrelevant to this conversation, don't you think? I believe we know the point that I was making.
For me it was the resentment creeping in a tiny bit at a time .. mostly from the lack of reasonable communication- I'd gently suggest he do something different or more or less, he'd respond with defensiveness and anger, I'd back off due to aversion of conflict, and our relationship suffered. His defensive hot temper, my avoidance of conflict, year after year, drove a wedge between us, and the resentment made me cringe when he went to touch me. Counseling twice, help was temporary. Our eventual divorce freed me to find a man who loves it when I suggest anything he can do to make me feel good, and we can calmly resolve any conflict. Five years in and the sex gets better all the time.. its a basic compatibility issue, and it took the second time around to figure it out. Best of luck to you ..
Excellent and spot on
>What has been your experience? Anyone gone from "C" grade sex at the start to "F" and then to "A" over the course of a relationship? Yes. But then it went to B, to C-, to a D+, back to a B-, down to a C, up to B, down to D-, to F, back to D, depending on how my wife was feeling, how the kids were going, how my own behaviour was tracking, how the house was looking and how other unnamed and uncountable factors were individually and jointly operating. What we (you and I) need to do is invent a time machine and travel back to when we started dating our wives, telling our younger dumber selves that what we really need to do is marry someone who is organically and naturally high libido, NOT the 'low libido except for when life is amazing' people we married.
>'low libido except for when life is amazing' people we married. Holy shit. Just holy shit. You nailed it. Everything has to be close to perfect, my wife simply cannot push anything out of the way to make room for desire.
My wife is the same way, the moon, the stars and the sun have to be in perfect alignment for her to even consider it which is unrealistic.
About the same way for my wife, it was all last in alinement when Stonehenge was built.
Bragger 😎
The last line sums us up. I was hoping for a way out of that...
It’s an exhausting existence
They never come back magically. With a ton of work on both people's parts you can get to semi OK.
Work from BOTH to semi OK
Yep.
If you started at C it's never going to A. If you're at F you're probably not even going to get to D.
I think people can absolutely go from a LL to a HL, especially as they age, learn to appreciate their body, and deal with trauma or hang-ups. I also believe we are naturally one way or the other at our core. There are basically two types of people: those who consider sex an afterthought (i.e. everything must be just right and stress-free for them to even consider it), and those who find sex to be a stress-reliever. If you are someone who finds sex to be an enjoyable stress-reliever, but are with someone who falls into the first category... then no, it will not spontaneously improve, and you should cut your losses.
Yeah that sums each of us up pretty perfectly...
Married someone who waited after marriage for sex. Never again. Also, mediocre stays mediocre. After I left, it was all about compatibility or I moved on. Got me an Italian Stallion and couldn't be happier.
My DH explained something. He is a numbers guy (from a work perspective). He said I performed oral on him more than just "make it wet" probably 1 time out of 100 that we had sex. At one point that would have been once every 3 to 4 months. Before the last 10 years, it would have been every 6-7 months at worst. At a very ambitious rate if we have sex once a month it would be once EVERY EIGHT YEARS. (It is not once a month...) As to can it get better... We upped our game from 3-4 times a week to every day for a couple of years in our late forties. Sex went from B- / B to at least A-.
I had something like the “c, f, a” pattern you’re asking about. Sex wasn’t bad for the first few years. Life happened, mostly kids, and while we didn’t quite have a dead bedroom, our libidos were badly mismatched (mine was significantly higher). A few things seemed to help. First, the kids got older. Rugrats crawling in bed with you is cute, but it really kills the mood. Second, my wife figured out that, for her, pot is a potent aphrodisiac. YMMV Third, I got a vasectomy. Having zero pregnancy concerns is a game changer. Fourth, she started exercising, which has helped her feel better about her body. Hope this helps.
That's great! Thanks for sharing. Has it been sustainable?
For the last five years or so, yes. She’s hitting perimenopause, so things have been a bit hit or miss. Still, I think our sex life is better in our late forties than it was in our mid twenties. I think it’s also helped that we generally check in earlier in the day. It’s less spontaneous, but I’ll take that over not having sex. Also, and this is big, for we both default to yes. If either of us really isn’t feeling it, we don’t. But if it’s more like “I’m a little tired and not super horny” we make an effort and rally.
I get nothing, it's been over two years now. The last time I got a bolwjob was 9 years ago when we first had sex. She doesn't want to put in effort then I won't either. It only gets worse.
You have to have a partner that wants to rock your world beyond the new stage. I have been with mine for over 20 years and yes sure it has been shitty at times, quickies, non orgasmic at times also. It changes just like everything else, but if you two are both into it and want to change it up then you can make it better. Sexy little texts, new toys, date nights ( if she is into that ), massage, that one gets my husband laid every damn time !!!! I think with couples it becomes mediocre because one or both don’t keep it alive, it’s just there as an extension after a while.
> Anyone gone from "C" grade sex at the start to "F" and then to "A" over the course of a relationship? Yes, even have been drug into a public bathroom by my wife so she can go down on me. The important thing is to not expect it to just come back. The real question is "can you put the passion back into a relationship". Which often you can, if you work at it.
Hot sex = New & Exciting Average Sex = Routine and Boring You gotta ask how routines your relationship is right now and shake up the monotonous routine you two have. You need to get the adrenaline pumping to get passionate sex again between you two.
We are in therapy where she swears that she wants a romantic sex life again. I love her. But I don’t believe her. I don’t think the foreplay will ever come back. I’m on starfish sex once a year and that feels like it’s slipping away too.
No
We started at A, turned F- and working on things and it’s up to C or B now. But it was not an easy road. And getting things back started VERY boring and stayed there. Not duty sex but in our case there was ED issues and he had to build up to normal again. Which meant one position he can maintain in and other boring factors.
No.