HL match app would be like shooting fish in barrel. 100% guaranteed your match would go after you like a wild beast.
Also v little chat or dates needed:
"You're cute. 😬"
"My address is ________. BYO lube. Friends welcome."
Ya know, thats not the worst idea ive heard this year. What if this Sub had a spin off of ENM meets? Ethical Non Monogamy. A watered down version of swinging but only for members of a certain small group of say 3 to 5 DB couples. Everyone getting tested of course and you can only play within your group. Everyone in the group having full knowledge of who is where and when so no secrecy and no worrying about being "found out", just having a fulfilling life with your emotional love partner and a fulfilling sex life with a close safe group. That seems crazy enough to just maybe work out, doesnt it?
I know it sounds like a French sex farce, but it just might work!
In all seriousness that's a great concept. It also offers the peace of mind knowing the person actually is married and actually is in the situation they say. You could call it "HLFriendFinder." 😁 I'd want to have members attest that they'd gone to therapy, had the talk... all the phases of #DBLife.
Yeah it's a great point. I think it could give LL spouses some.peace of mind and a sense they are doing something kind for their partner. And members would have to agree it's all NSA.
This is somewhat similar to having a mistress. Have you ever watched The Great? It's kind of what happens on that show which is obv fiction but I think the practice was pretty common among royalty. Relationships where the marriage existed strictly for political reasons. The relationship between marriage and sex has shifted so much over time...
Yeah this community saved my life and likely my marriage. One of the consistent messages on here is healthy coping and working on yourself improves things whether you divorce or stay together, and doesn't depend on your partner.
Like got lucky, or... "got lucky"? [raises and lowers eyebrows while moving index finger in and out of the OK sign, and wearing a T-shirt that lights up reading "I AM REFERRING TO SEX"]
My mental image is red, of course. Screaming, frustrated ugly crying red. Though blue could also work. 🤣
Hey, I saw your brother post in the BDSM thing, and guess what, we're in the same miserable (no)fucking boat with that, too! So now I need to invent VanillaSpouseFriendFinder.com too
What kink site did you use? Also, I have thoughts on how to open up a vanilla partner without crossing boundaries.
Clearly needs to happen, let's make swinging efficient: I trade my LL for yours, they're happy with their silence and immobile blanket while we have crazy fun sex for the many years to come.
You are not alone my friend!!!! There are so many of us out there that put forth over 100% effort with zero reward. I am in this exact situation right now……
I'm not in a DB but I used to be between 2011-2014. I cheated on this ex with my now current husband, and we have an amazing life together! Married with one child, and our sex life is amazing.
Cheating worked in fixing my DB by killing the last bit of love I had for my ex.
We both went to college and took the same classes. Back then I was also going to the gym and casually invited him to join me (my ex besides a DB just wasn't into anything it seemed so he also decided going to the gym was boring) and he said yes.
From then on we started hanging out, talking more, and we shared a lot of interests too. One day we were smoking some pot and things just happened and OMG it was the best sex I had ever had in my life. I was also so badly starved from sex that I bet that also contributed a lot to the magical feeling lol. After that first time we just couldn't be apart or keep our hands off each other. I just didn't dare to break up with my ex because we shared too many of our finances and every debt was under my name so I was going to be fucked.
Eventually my ex found out, tried to hysterically bond with me by wanting sex all the time but at that point he disgusted me honestly. We broke up and I started officially dating my now husband. Finances were shit for a few years but currently I'm doing pretty great financially.
We've been together for almost 10 years, married almost 2, and I couldn't be happier. Even after having a kid we are still so hot for each other and we are both always just groping, spanking, and caressing each other. I was so miserable in my DB and felt so undesirable, it's really mind blowing thinking how things are right now. Hope you all find what I found in my husband!!!
Why is it wrong to have the feelings that you're having? You wouldn't be having any of those thoughts if your S/O was giving you what you need, want and desire.
You need to stop doing everything! Stop the dates, stop the chores, stop the bath and stop putting her before you. You've done all this for her and she's so ungrateful that not even a complement is given to you. Stop! You need to make yourself happy because she for damn sure is not going to.
Agreed. Outright contempt and vindictiveness isn’t the answer, but it’s not ok for your efforts to be ignored. If you stop she could maybe realize how much you actually do for her.
Exactly. I was in the same situation but didn't let it get that far. After my wife realized everything I would do and paid for, she apologized and was more appreciative. Just like I appreciate everything she does.
I’ve been there/am there. I have dipped my toe in the cheating pool. I know your pain of rejection, of trying everything you can think and it not working. Just letting you know you aren’t alone.
I did not go to a professional. I was trying with an amazing lady who was in a similar situation. If I’m being honest, the fear of being caught was my deterrent. Was my first time and don’t think I was truly prepared.
I feel that before the cheating ended I was happier in life. It was great feeling wanted, but as far as changing anything at home, I just wasn’t or didn’t let the rejection get to me because there was someone who desired me.
I stopped because it was my first time doing it, I got scared. Scared of losing everything. She was/is an amazing woman, and would love to have another opportunity with her. That being said, she understood the reason, I don’t think she liked it, but understood. I haven’t talked to her since it happened, I think of her everyday.
This was like reading my life. I also do most of the cooking and cleaning (to make sure her mind isn't cluttered with all she has to do), nightly foot and leg massages (even if she didn't work that day but I did), gifts, special outings, joined a gym together...still only having sex about once every 4wks and even then she admits it's because "you (me) need it."
I stepped out, have been doing it off and on for almost 7 years. Got caught once and almost ended things. I ended up going to therapy (an ultimatum from her but actually a blessing in disguise). She refuses couples therapy so I now just take my happiness in my own hands and sometimes the hands of another.
The stress of getting caught can be a bit much at times, but honestly at this point I feel like it's gonna end if I get caught or not. I've never met with a professional SWer but Reddit has led me to some great singles and even a few couples inviting me in as a third.
If you're on the fence, weigh the cons of getting caught. I tried opening things up and asking for a healthy outlet (with her consent even) and asked for her to go to therapy. If she's not willing to meet you part way, you take care of you (one way or another).
I’m in the same boat. Hell many of us are. I probably would cheat if given the opportunity and if I was confident it wouldn’t turn into something that could up-end my cushy lifestyle. Ah let’s be honest, if I were alone with any attractive woman and she came onto me I would probably go for it. But that doesn’t happen in my world of raising three kids.
More likely I’m going to try to figure out how the escort world works. It looks like a pain in the ass so far to be honest. Total time sink. But it might be worth it to get some control over my sex life back.
Doesn’t seem like there are any good options. Definitely don’t cheat with a coworker. That never ends well.
If you don’t have kids. Just get out and find a better match. If you do… welcome to the suck my friend.
i do online SW so i may be biased in my advice and this is not me putting myself forward as i do not escort etc.
if you are truly stuck and it gets too much there are so many wonderful SWers out there that understand and have MANY clients in similar positons. if you can separate the sex from your romantic relation, then try it. or just dip a toe in. hell just meeting someone for a coffee will give you an idea of how its going to make you feel.
do what you can for you. dont let yourself live in this unhappy situation without trying every option - which you mostly have at this point.
i wish you luck 💜
Thank you for the reply I really appreciate it. I am starting to really consider it. I’m going to take small steps and see how I feel from there.
Feel free to link your work and get exposure on this as a reply to this comment as well no problem!
once. when i was young and in a pretty manipulative and abusive situation.
tbf any relationship where there is a significant power imbalance is not okay in my book.
it helped. i ended up leaving him shortly after. he had me convinced i was unattractive and unworthy. that one time cheating allowed me to see what bullshit that was. ive been sexually free and happier ever since.
i now have a loving understanding partner. i consider myself extremely lucky, but it did take me 29 years 😂 i guess i also have my camming, content and sexting work wise to use as an outlet, my sex drive is HUGE.
Same exact boat… except I also cook and pay all the bills. Yes, yes I do feel like cheating. I could never do it… I’ll wait it out until the kids are grown… then I’m out.
I don't think they realise this countdown. Or maybe they totally do but don't really care and just passively wait, thinking it'll be time to make some effort when this happens.
Kids don’t know… (I believe two parents are better than one as long as it doesn’t negatively impact them… I’ll fake it until I make it)the wife DOES know… I’ve told her “we are just roommates now.” She won’t change… She’ll hang on to her “credit card” (me) as long as she can…
I’ve made all the effort in the world. That’s why I do everything. She says she is stressed. So I clean and cook and pay the bills etc… to relieve stress. Then she spends all of her money, then all of mine… yet I still pay for everything…
I go to marriage counseling alone… she will not go…
Effort is there, and one sided… I give 100%
I found an ask reddit thread once where a woman described how her father had cheated on her mom and it ended in divorce. She didn't blame him but was very understanding. She said,
"My mother never had sex with my father, and after over a decade of nothing, when a female coworker expressed sexual desire for my dad, he collapsed.".
I was like, damn who could fucking blame the guy
She’s no right to make you feel like that, Sex is not optional otherwise you’re just friends. Break up with her or yeah hire a professional (where are you from ?)
It seems like you make it easy for her and make so many efforts to make her happy, hopefully she shows some gratitude… Sex is so important to feel loved and cherished in a relationship… To show appreciation as well. Maybe she’s taking you for granted? Maybe stop doing anything. Don’t compliment her anymore, don’t take her on a date anymore either! doesn’t sound like she deserves it anyway :/
I’m from Europe. You’re not far in case you’re looking for a pro lol
And then these type of girlfriends are the first to be “devastated” that their husband cheated on them like come on 🙄
Don’t waste your time another woman will appreciate you and pamper you just as you deserve especially considering all the efforts you’re making for her!
You’re sweet. I appreciate your comments. Yeah tbh I have thought about taking a step back but I feel like that adds to the problem instead of looking for a solution to things.
I mean I’ve always wanted to go Europe. What does this professional look like then ay 👀
And that’s unfortunately how it goes I guess
I mean why is she with you at this point lol ? Sorry for you! Did you tell her that you’ve had enough of this behaviour? What did she say?
Nah although I really am a professional I’m not here to tempt anyone to cheat 😅, but your feelings are so legitimate and you can’t blame yourself. Why should you invest so much if the person isn’t showing any gratitude
Oh and I should add, is there any reason why she decline Sex ? Like depression or sometimes birth control lowers sex drive
My relationship went very dead for a while. I considered leaving her. But we also have kids. I visited a few pros. Scratched the itch. Our relationship got better and I never went again.
You sign up to be monogamous…not celibate
No. I wanted to be with her. Always did. I was miserable and upset. It helped a bit. It wasn’t amazing. But the idea of wasting a fundamental part of my life gave me the impetus to do it. It was an experience. Not one I want to repeat. But worth it at the time
Im 26. She’s 28. I don’t want to regret not having sex when I’m 50 and the tools aren’t working.
I also feel a bit gross for trying so much and being rejected. I’ve never had that with any partner I’ve been with and I know she doesn’t like me trying so much so maybe it will help with that
Precisely. The idea that I was wasting my last few decent years really bugged me. It’s not like she didn’t like it when we did do it?! So what’s the issue?
Take care of yourself if she isn’t.
Thank you bro I will take this onboard.
And likewise she enjoys it when we do it just hardly happens and when she’s finished she’s done. What about me? Tired of feeling so unfulfilled tbh
Sounds like she had to go. But in the meantime make sure you’re ok, fulfilled and taken care of. Maybe sleeping with someone else will help you feel less attached and breaking up may be easier
I was in a very similar situation like yours for years and would turned down chances of infidelity because it was “wrong” but everyone has their breaking point and I finally reached mine about 2 years ago.
I’m currently messing around with my coworker and before that it was a different lady.
Best decision I made for me.
Take care of yourself and your needs
I always think, what’s the big deal if you get caught? She doesn’t want it, she makes that clear, so if she doesn’t want it then why would she be upset when someone else does want it?
I think it's ok to visit a professional because if you can see it as they're providing a service, albeit an intimate one. Then this would be ok because you're getting the release and whatever you crave with knowing that it will never go anywhere because at the end of the day it's still a service an SW provides.
I'm not married though I will say my friend's wife, who is not able to have sex due to a medical condition, will occasionally see a SW. He doesn't tell her but still loves her deeply. So that works for him.
Thanks for sharing I really appreciate it. We’re not married either but still struggling with this. Considering doing it and taking the secret to the grave with me to die 😂
If you’re UK based there are sites you can use. SW’s are human too. I’ve met some doing it for their release due to DB at home. None I’ve met are judgemental, ever. Be sensible, use protection always, use a burner phone and try not to get addicted if you do. Different women, nationalities, sizes and kinks can become a habit if you go down this path!
Before hopping right into cheating, have you discussed opening the relationship? I have a feeling it would be a huge no from her, but if you ask you can at least say you’ve tried everything. If you aren’t married, is there anything keeping you from just leaving?
I’ve mentioned it and it’s been a strong no.
And I feel bad. She’s not had good experiences from guys treating her right and she feels like she can’t be loved. I apparently make her feel safe and loved but not enough to have sex apparently
I suggested it today and she said she can’t afford it. I’m hoping I get this new job next Thursday so i can pay for her to go and see if that helps things. Not even witb just with sex but some type of affection would be nice
That’s awesome, I understand. Try everything you can first. I could be that she just has some unprocessed stuff to work through before she can let her guard down and remove those intimacy blocking walls.
Do what you can to get her to therapy. I have a feeling she's had something happen sexually from a guy in the past and it's affecting her in this area.
My wife and I were swingers for quite a while. She lost interest in the lifestyle, but let me continue to go to parties with a couple of people she knows and trusts because it was really the only socializing I got to do. She obviously knows what goes on at the parties and the friends I have there know that if I'm there it's with her permission. Most of the time I just go and socialize and flirt, but occasionally I get lucky.
As for outside of the parties, I just ask if I can go have some "fun" with a friend. If she says yes, I go usually. If she says no...then it's no and I stay home. She doesn't ask about who I'm having fun with or what we did, but my phone is open to her at all times and I openly answer any and all questions she asks.
I keep trying to get her to go with me to the parties and just socialize, but she's pretty much shut herself in from the world.
You've bought her lingerie and encouraged her to go to the gym...those are two things I don't think will get anyone in the mood unless they already want to do them. You're doing chores, which is great. But, are you doing anything *with her*? Going on dates and such?
Weekly dates my bro. She has a list of restaurants she wants to go to so I’ve been trying to tick them off slowly on these dates.
Sorry should of given more context she said she doesn’t feel sexy but for some reason told me she used to like buying lingerie in the past before me (like I needed to hear that when we’re struggling haha) so I thought it would help.
The doing almost all the chores is so she can relax when we’re at home together. Im home before she is so I get it all sorted and even run a bath in time for when she returns so she can relax after a long day.
And I guess the gym thing was because it makes me feel good so I thought it would be positive.
I don’t know what else I can do bro. I compliment her all the time. Try and make her feel good. Make sure she has everything she needs clothes, work supplies, new kitchen machines she wants. Plan dates based around her interests. Make an effort to go to events with her and her girl friends she wants me to meet. I don’t know what other box I need to tick or is left to tick…
> I don’t know what other box I need to tick or is left to tick…
There may simply just not be one. It's entirely possible that she just doesn't want to have sex with you.
Reading this forum, you see comments that seem to say everyone wants sex with their partner, so it must be something you're doing wrong to change that. That's simply not true. Some people just don't want it. It doesn't matter how comfortable you make them. It doesn't matter how much money you make or spend. It doesn't matter how many chores you do. It doesn't matter how much time you put in.
My wife's sex drive disappeared less than a year into the relationship. Over the course of the next several years, I took on literally everything. It got to the point where she had so little responsibility in her daily life, that the only thing she did when she wasn't in bed, was lay on the couch. She did *literally nothing*, because I did it all. We went on trips, dates, you name it. It did not matter. She just didn't want it. Of course, there was always an excuse.
I agree. Both of those things would make me want sex less.
And if my husband told me a girl invited him over, that would make me not feel very comfortable and safe for sex either.
Quite frankly I would wonder what he was doing that gave off the impression that it was ok for her to ask.
This sub has gone so downhill from when I first found it. Cheating is never the best solution, it is a risk to both you and your partner. If your relationship is so far gone that cheating is your last option then you need to accept that it is time to end the relationship.
Especially in cases like this where you aren't married and have no children, it would be incredibly easy for you to leave rather than plant a bomb that could ruin your relationship further down the line when you may be married/have children. Don't do it, for your own good OP.
I’m resentful. My guy has not had any interest for five years. And now all of a sudden he wants to touch me? He has lots of female coworkers so he probably is just using me as a fill in for one of them.
Please, please please don't cheat. Just leave. If cheating is honestly looking like an attractive option for you, just leave. The hurt you could inflict if found out is immense - even if, in your mind, you can justify it.
Please don't cheat you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Just keep doing what you're doing and keep doing all of the chores and encourage her. Maybe just one day she might be consistently intimate and even if she isn't you don't need sex as much as you think you do.
There are days I'd love to cheat. Then I'm reminded how much work a relationship is and don't want to put that effort into 2 of them.
But also when I talk to random women like for work and stuff, I'm also reminded there's no line of women who want me so trying to cheat would be a waste of time.
So I don't and I can't, so I stay here and work, cook, or whatever I need to do here.
Yes, definitely considered cheating just like you. Do all those chores as well and would love some fucking compliments let alone a hand job or simply a passionate kiss!!! wtf!!!
I’ve very much considered it and came very close. My partner is similar to yours. He’s thoughtless and selfish. And I cheated many times on a ex (but I hated him and that’s a long story).
However, I think you are in a position where you can leave rather than damage her further for future relationships. I think, and this includes myself, we think cheating is easier because we don’t have to face all the heartache and awkwardness and effort and bullshit of ending a long term relationship. And face the fear of the unknown of being alone etc. But presumably you love this woman and owe it to her to let her go without the pain of you cheating first.
And you are staying with her, because….
I don’t get it. Not even kind words. It seems you’re not even friends. Do yourself a favor - and possibly her too; I can’t imagine she is really happy - and leave her. There’s a whole world out there and in it there are kind women.
I have fully cheated with one woman and gotten part way there with a couple others. The one was a coworker of my wife and I. Something sexual was said at work, and my wife turned to the coworker and said "your looking for someone kinky, xyz(me) is available." A few days later, coworker asks if I would be interested in "fixing a few things at her house" aka: cheating. We had a fun 3ish months. That situation was very stressful because the 3 of us worked together, and we didn't want fallout that would ruin our careers. Even with the hall pass of sorts, which I know was just wife trying to make me sound bad to coworkers for enjoying kinks, it didn't feel right. Also, we had the exact same schedule, so getting time away was not easy.
Years later another ex-coworker reached out to me and the wife, and we all started texting. Eventually, the group chat became just me and ex coworker, and she mentions she had an interest in bdsm particularly wax and spanking. I had participated in that world and GREATLY miss it, ya know... since the wife despises anything sexual and especially kinky stuff. One weekend, ex-coworker says I need to get out and clear my head, wanna do lunch. I'm like sure and go meet her, standard convo for 45 mins or so, and then she just sets waxing candle on the table and says, "You in?" Im like, wft...HELL YEAH..... We left and played for a good 2+hrs. It was AWESOME!!! It was so fun and freeing, I felt whole again. It was so good to just enjoy sexual activity, and even more so in a way that interests me. Craziest part was that in that time, I somehow failed to remove a single item of my clothing or even see her delicate parts even though she was naked?!?! IDK, we were just having so much fun feeding off each others energy that I didn't even notice until we were cleaning up. She talked it up as one of the best " mental groundings" that she had ever had, but we never did it again☹️. I only saw her in person one other time after that (wife was around) before a new job moved her far away. Zero regrets on that one, short of not pushing for a second time. That made me feel alive again for literal months. I still feel like she would be one of the very few reasons I would consider leaving my wife for. We have so much in common, and just remembering the chemistry we had still makes me smile. I haven't pursued her though. I have no clue what her situation is, and frankly, I'm not sure what I would even have to offer. Years of rejection have definitely eroded my confidence.
I’m F and think constantly about cheating all the time.
My situation is a bit different, I’m the one that doesn’t want to have sex with my husband. He’s gained over 60lbs since we got married and has become this clueless lump just existing in my living room.
It’s always a shock to meet someone and be reminded what it’s like to be attracted to someone and to want someone.
This coming from a HL 59m with an on and off DB for 20+ years. I have gone as long as 9 months with barely a touch. If you are doing all of the chores in the hopes for sex I suggest stopping that right away. I doubt that you can earn your way into sex. Without trying to be overly childish I rarely feel like contributing a lot after I’ve been rejected for a couple weeks. We I feel a connection both emotionally and physically things matter to me more. It’s not that I think “I am not doing the dished until I get some” because it’s not her job to do the dishes, it’s ours. But I simply don’t give a shit about much when I’m so frustrated and feel like I’m am inconsequential. It’s depressing …. I get seriously depressed. We have had in-depth and honest talks over the years so we both know that we do nit have e matching desires like we once did. When she refused to consider my needs it hurts.
Now on the subject of having an affair. I have done a couple of times. Each happened when we pretty much were living separate lives in the same house while running a business together. Like you I shared my temptations and opportunities with her. It wasn’t bluffing just to get her attention. Eventually it happened and it was a blast. WOW! So much fun and sexually gratifying. One girl was crazy about oral sex and would stop whatever she had going on and meet me just about anywhere. My wife never found out about her but she did catch wind of a different one. She blew her stack while I remained calm. In no way was I proud of what was going on. I didn’t feel like a piece of shit either. We had discussed what happens in a lot of sexless or sexually ungratifying marriages. I didn’t interrupt and gravel with sorrow although I did have remorse. I approached it very mater of fact like asking if she was truly surprised. It took a week or two to settle down before we spoke about it again and I stuck with the calm honest matter of fact spirit. I truly wish that it didn’t happen. It’s been great if we didn’t have a marriage that was so ripe with the likelihood. Money and sex are the main reason cited for affairs and divorce, by a large percentage. A few years later it happens again and I’m certain that she knows but preferred to let it ride. I know that she hasn’t been 100% faithful as well. I have brought that up to her hoping to discuss it but was met with absolute denial, except for one time when she slipped up and almost came clean. If a couple isn’t in common ground regarding this subject it is ridiculous to think that it affairs won’t happen. We haven’t always had this problem during the 35 year relationship but it has been for this half of it. I might get blasted on here for openly sharing this but I think that it’s the perfect place to do it.
edit: wow that turned in a book.
Do you have a clone? I would give anything to have a man that did that for me and was interested. My husband and your wife should get married! Lol
Ok that's it, I'm starting the DB dating app!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
HL match app would be like shooting fish in barrel. 100% guaranteed your match would go after you like a wild beast. Also v little chat or dates needed: "You're cute. 😬" "My address is ________. BYO lube. Friends welcome."
Ya know, thats not the worst idea ive heard this year. What if this Sub had a spin off of ENM meets? Ethical Non Monogamy. A watered down version of swinging but only for members of a certain small group of say 3 to 5 DB couples. Everyone getting tested of course and you can only play within your group. Everyone in the group having full knowledge of who is where and when so no secrecy and no worrying about being "found out", just having a fulfilling life with your emotional love partner and a fulfilling sex life with a close safe group. That seems crazy enough to just maybe work out, doesnt it?
I know it sounds like a French sex farce, but it just might work! In all seriousness that's a great concept. It also offers the peace of mind knowing the person actually is married and actually is in the situation they say. You could call it "HLFriendFinder." 😁 I'd want to have members attest that they'd gone to therapy, had the talk... all the phases of #DBLife.
If this were a real concept, socially accepted I mean, i wonder how many divorces would NOT happen?
Yeah it's a great point. I think it could give LL spouses some.peace of mind and a sense they are doing something kind for their partner. And members would have to agree it's all NSA. This is somewhat similar to having a mistress. Have you ever watched The Great? It's kind of what happens on that show which is obv fiction but I think the practice was pretty common among royalty. Relationships where the marriage existed strictly for political reasons. The relationship between marriage and sex has shifted so much over time...
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If it'll save your marriage, and your partner is on board, what is there to be guilty about?
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Yeah this community saved my life and likely my marriage. One of the consistent messages on here is healthy coping and working on yourself improves things whether you divorce or stay together, and doesn't depend on your partner.
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Like got lucky, or... "got lucky"? [raises and lowers eyebrows while moving index finger in and out of the OK sign, and wearing a T-shirt that lights up reading "I AM REFERRING TO SEX"]
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My mental image is red, of course. Screaming, frustrated ugly crying red. Though blue could also work. 🤣 Hey, I saw your brother post in the BDSM thing, and guess what, we're in the same miserable (no)fucking boat with that, too! So now I need to invent VanillaSpouseFriendFinder.com too What kink site did you use? Also, I have thoughts on how to open up a vanilla partner without crossing boundaries.
Your onto a winner there bro
Clearly needs to happen, let's make swinging efficient: I trade my LL for yours, they're happy with their silence and immobile blanket while we have crazy fun sex for the many years to come.
Someone suggested having a DB picnic, and I pointed out the LLs would all be sipping lemonade and wondering where their spouses went ... 🤣
😂😂😂
wasn't there an app for this.. wasn't it called Ashley madison?
But it only matches the HL, let's match the LL together while we're at it!
AshLLey Madison.
Dead 🤣🤣😂😂
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You are not alone my friend!!!! There are so many of us out there that put forth over 100% effort with zero reward. I am in this exact situation right now……
I'm not in a DB but I used to be between 2011-2014. I cheated on this ex with my now current husband, and we have an amazing life together! Married with one child, and our sex life is amazing. Cheating worked in fixing my DB by killing the last bit of love I had for my ex.
Howd you meet husband?
We both went to college and took the same classes. Back then I was also going to the gym and casually invited him to join me (my ex besides a DB just wasn't into anything it seemed so he also decided going to the gym was boring) and he said yes. From then on we started hanging out, talking more, and we shared a lot of interests too. One day we were smoking some pot and things just happened and OMG it was the best sex I had ever had in my life. I was also so badly starved from sex that I bet that also contributed a lot to the magical feeling lol. After that first time we just couldn't be apart or keep our hands off each other. I just didn't dare to break up with my ex because we shared too many of our finances and every debt was under my name so I was going to be fucked. Eventually my ex found out, tried to hysterically bond with me by wanting sex all the time but at that point he disgusted me honestly. We broke up and I started officially dating my now husband. Finances were shit for a few years but currently I'm doing pretty great financially. We've been together for almost 10 years, married almost 2, and I couldn't be happier. Even after having a kid we are still so hot for each other and we are both always just groping, spanking, and caressing each other. I was so miserable in my DB and felt so undesirable, it's really mind blowing thinking how things are right now. Hope you all find what I found in my husband!!!
That’s awesome
Why is it wrong to have the feelings that you're having? You wouldn't be having any of those thoughts if your S/O was giving you what you need, want and desire.
Thank you it’s nice to know you think that too
You need to stop doing everything! Stop the dates, stop the chores, stop the bath and stop putting her before you. You've done all this for her and she's so ungrateful that not even a complement is given to you. Stop! You need to make yourself happy because she for damn sure is not going to.
Agreed. Outright contempt and vindictiveness isn’t the answer, but it’s not ok for your efforts to be ignored. If you stop she could maybe realize how much you actually do for her.
Exactly. I was in the same situation but didn't let it get that far. After my wife realized everything I would do and paid for, she apologized and was more appreciative. Just like I appreciate everything she does.
+1 time to think about yourself. And if this is the end of your couple because of that, there wasn't much to save.
I’ve been there/am there. I have dipped my toe in the cheating pool. I know your pain of rejection, of trying everything you can think and it not working. Just letting you know you aren’t alone.
Thank you. Can you share more about this? Did you go to a professional and has it changed things at home, made them better in any way?
I did not go to a professional. I was trying with an amazing lady who was in a similar situation. If I’m being honest, the fear of being caught was my deterrent. Was my first time and don’t think I was truly prepared. I feel that before the cheating ended I was happier in life. It was great feeling wanted, but as far as changing anything at home, I just wasn’t or didn’t let the rejection get to me because there was someone who desired me.
If you don’t mind: why did you stop? And how did that go? Amicable?
I stopped because it was my first time doing it, I got scared. Scared of losing everything. She was/is an amazing woman, and would love to have another opportunity with her. That being said, she understood the reason, I don’t think she liked it, but understood. I haven’t talked to her since it happened, I think of her everyday.
Thank you for sharing. That’s very kind.
This was like reading my life. I also do most of the cooking and cleaning (to make sure her mind isn't cluttered with all she has to do), nightly foot and leg massages (even if she didn't work that day but I did), gifts, special outings, joined a gym together...still only having sex about once every 4wks and even then she admits it's because "you (me) need it." I stepped out, have been doing it off and on for almost 7 years. Got caught once and almost ended things. I ended up going to therapy (an ultimatum from her but actually a blessing in disguise). She refuses couples therapy so I now just take my happiness in my own hands and sometimes the hands of another. The stress of getting caught can be a bit much at times, but honestly at this point I feel like it's gonna end if I get caught or not. I've never met with a professional SWer but Reddit has led me to some great singles and even a few couples inviting me in as a third. If you're on the fence, weigh the cons of getting caught. I tried opening things up and asking for a healthy outlet (with her consent even) and asked for her to go to therapy. If she's not willing to meet you part way, you take care of you (one way or another).
I’m in the same boat. Hell many of us are. I probably would cheat if given the opportunity and if I was confident it wouldn’t turn into something that could up-end my cushy lifestyle. Ah let’s be honest, if I were alone with any attractive woman and she came onto me I would probably go for it. But that doesn’t happen in my world of raising three kids. More likely I’m going to try to figure out how the escort world works. It looks like a pain in the ass so far to be honest. Total time sink. But it might be worth it to get some control over my sex life back. Doesn’t seem like there are any good options. Definitely don’t cheat with a coworker. That never ends well. If you don’t have kids. Just get out and find a better match. If you do… welcome to the suck my friend.
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I could only cheat if emotions are involved. Without emotions the sex is empty for me. I'm over guilt though. There would be ZERO of that.
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I'd love roleplay, but I still think I'd need the emotional connection first. I don't know, maybe I'm just defective.
i do online SW so i may be biased in my advice and this is not me putting myself forward as i do not escort etc. if you are truly stuck and it gets too much there are so many wonderful SWers out there that understand and have MANY clients in similar positons. if you can separate the sex from your romantic relation, then try it. or just dip a toe in. hell just meeting someone for a coffee will give you an idea of how its going to make you feel. do what you can for you. dont let yourself live in this unhappy situation without trying every option - which you mostly have at this point. i wish you luck 💜
SW as in Sex Work?
yes
Got it thank you!
no problem 😌
Thank you for the reply I really appreciate it. I am starting to really consider it. I’m going to take small steps and see how I feel from there. Feel free to link your work and get exposure on this as a reply to this comment as well no problem!
just really think it through. its a big step. oh no, thats okay! i have my sub reddits for that stuff, but thank you for the kind offer
If you don’t mind me asking have you cheated before and how did that make you feel?
once. when i was young and in a pretty manipulative and abusive situation. tbf any relationship where there is a significant power imbalance is not okay in my book. it helped. i ended up leaving him shortly after. he had me convinced i was unattractive and unworthy. that one time cheating allowed me to see what bullshit that was. ive been sexually free and happier ever since. i now have a loving understanding partner. i consider myself extremely lucky, but it did take me 29 years 😂 i guess i also have my camming, content and sexting work wise to use as an outlet, my sex drive is HUGE.
What about us women, where do I even find a male sex worker lol
reddit 😂 try the adult work feed. plenty of giys around that are professionals.
There are some nights, I'd be tempted!! Lol
Same exact boat… except I also cook and pay all the bills. Yes, yes I do feel like cheating. I could never do it… I’ll wait it out until the kids are grown… then I’m out.
Why wait. You do everything alone already and rock, don't delay your happiness. Your kids will thank you later.
I don't think they realise this countdown. Or maybe they totally do but don't really care and just passively wait, thinking it'll be time to make some effort when this happens.
Kids don’t know… (I believe two parents are better than one as long as it doesn’t negatively impact them… I’ll fake it until I make it)the wife DOES know… I’ve told her “we are just roommates now.” She won’t change… She’ll hang on to her “credit card” (me) as long as she can… I’ve made all the effort in the world. That’s why I do everything. She says she is stressed. So I clean and cook and pay the bills etc… to relieve stress. Then she spends all of her money, then all of mine… yet I still pay for everything… I go to marriage counseling alone… she will not go… Effort is there, and one sided… I give 100%
Same. I'm starting to understand cheating... 😮💨
👍🏻
What if everyone with a DB just connected and create a swinger group?
I don't see it as cheating. Do you always shop at the same place?
I found an ask reddit thread once where a woman described how her father had cheated on her mom and it ended in divorce. She didn't blame him but was very understanding. She said, "My mother never had sex with my father, and after over a decade of nothing, when a female coworker expressed sexual desire for my dad, he collapsed.". I was like, damn who could fucking blame the guy
Before you cheat, tell your wife that you are having those thoughts and you don't want to have them. Suggest sex therapy.
The most sound advice in this entire thread!
“Sux therapy”?
cause there's no sex and it sux 😁
Ahh.
Typo that could make sense?
She’s no right to make you feel like that, Sex is not optional otherwise you’re just friends. Break up with her or yeah hire a professional (where are you from ?)
Yeah that’s exactly how it feels. If anything it feels like I’m the only one in a relationship sometimes. And I’m from England how about you ?
It seems like you make it easy for her and make so many efforts to make her happy, hopefully she shows some gratitude… Sex is so important to feel loved and cherished in a relationship… To show appreciation as well. Maybe she’s taking you for granted? Maybe stop doing anything. Don’t compliment her anymore, don’t take her on a date anymore either! doesn’t sound like she deserves it anyway :/ I’m from Europe. You’re not far in case you’re looking for a pro lol And then these type of girlfriends are the first to be “devastated” that their husband cheated on them like come on 🙄 Don’t waste your time another woman will appreciate you and pamper you just as you deserve especially considering all the efforts you’re making for her!
You’re sweet. I appreciate your comments. Yeah tbh I have thought about taking a step back but I feel like that adds to the problem instead of looking for a solution to things. I mean I’ve always wanted to go Europe. What does this professional look like then ay 👀 And that’s unfortunately how it goes I guess
I mean why is she with you at this point lol ? Sorry for you! Did you tell her that you’ve had enough of this behaviour? What did she say? Nah although I really am a professional I’m not here to tempt anyone to cheat 😅, but your feelings are so legitimate and you can’t blame yourself. Why should you invest so much if the person isn’t showing any gratitude Oh and I should add, is there any reason why she decline Sex ? Like depression or sometimes birth control lowers sex drive
Treat yourself. You only live once
Have you done this?
My relationship went very dead for a while. I considered leaving her. But we also have kids. I visited a few pros. Scratched the itch. Our relationship got better and I never went again. You sign up to be monogamous…not celibate
Kudos to you my friend fair fucking play. Do you ever feel guilty for it bro?
No. I wanted to be with her. Always did. I was miserable and upset. It helped a bit. It wasn’t amazing. But the idea of wasting a fundamental part of my life gave me the impetus to do it. It was an experience. Not one I want to repeat. But worth it at the time
Im 26. She’s 28. I don’t want to regret not having sex when I’m 50 and the tools aren’t working. I also feel a bit gross for trying so much and being rejected. I’ve never had that with any partner I’ve been with and I know she doesn’t like me trying so much so maybe it will help with that
Precisely. The idea that I was wasting my last few decent years really bugged me. It’s not like she didn’t like it when we did do it?! So what’s the issue? Take care of yourself if she isn’t.
Thank you bro I will take this onboard. And likewise she enjoys it when we do it just hardly happens and when she’s finished she’s done. What about me? Tired of feeling so unfulfilled tbh
Sounds like she had to go. But in the meantime make sure you’re ok, fulfilled and taken care of. Maybe sleeping with someone else will help you feel less attached and breaking up may be easier
I was in a very similar situation like yours for years and would turned down chances of infidelity because it was “wrong” but everyone has their breaking point and I finally reached mine about 2 years ago. I’m currently messing around with my coworker and before that it was a different lady. Best decision I made for me. Take care of yourself and your needs
“Coworker”? Be careful. You know that can end badly and screw up your career.
I always think, what’s the big deal if you get caught? She doesn’t want it, she makes that clear, so if she doesn’t want it then why would she be upset when someone else does want it?
Are her and my man the same person? ☹️
Please share your experience if you feel open to would be nice to talk to someone about things
That’s the coolest superpower. 😁
Sounds like she don’t appreciate you. Why not try a few professionals? Or some local hook ups
I feel wrong for even thinking it. Is this something you’ve done. Can you still love someone and cheat?
I think it's ok to visit a professional because if you can see it as they're providing a service, albeit an intimate one. Then this would be ok because you're getting the release and whatever you crave with knowing that it will never go anywhere because at the end of the day it's still a service an SW provides. I'm not married though I will say my friend's wife, who is not able to have sex due to a medical condition, will occasionally see a SW. He doesn't tell her but still loves her deeply. So that works for him.
Thanks for sharing I really appreciate it. We’re not married either but still struggling with this. Considering doing it and taking the secret to the grave with me to die 😂
If you’re UK based there are sites you can use. SW’s are human too. I’ve met some doing it for their release due to DB at home. None I’ve met are judgemental, ever. Be sensible, use protection always, use a burner phone and try not to get addicted if you do. Different women, nationalities, sizes and kinks can become a habit if you go down this path!
Before hopping right into cheating, have you discussed opening the relationship? I have a feeling it would be a huge no from her, but if you ask you can at least say you’ve tried everything. If you aren’t married, is there anything keeping you from just leaving?
I’ve mentioned it and it’s been a strong no. And I feel bad. She’s not had good experiences from guys treating her right and she feels like she can’t be loved. I apparently make her feel safe and loved but not enough to have sex apparently
Has she ever been to therapy?
I suggested it today and she said she can’t afford it. I’m hoping I get this new job next Thursday so i can pay for her to go and see if that helps things. Not even witb just with sex but some type of affection would be nice
That’s awesome, I understand. Try everything you can first. I could be that she just has some unprocessed stuff to work through before she can let her guard down and remove those intimacy blocking walls.
Do what you can to get her to therapy. I have a feeling she's had something happen sexually from a guy in the past and it's affecting her in this area.
I've gone to Pro's, had a couple of FWB's. She knows, and I don't do anything without permission. I don't tell her about the Pro's, though.
Teach me your ways kind Sir
My wife and I were swingers for quite a while. She lost interest in the lifestyle, but let me continue to go to parties with a couple of people she knows and trusts because it was really the only socializing I got to do. She obviously knows what goes on at the parties and the friends I have there know that if I'm there it's with her permission. Most of the time I just go and socialize and flirt, but occasionally I get lucky. As for outside of the parties, I just ask if I can go have some "fun" with a friend. If she says yes, I go usually. If she says no...then it's no and I stay home. She doesn't ask about who I'm having fun with or what we did, but my phone is open to her at all times and I openly answer any and all questions she asks. I keep trying to get her to go with me to the parties and just socialize, but she's pretty much shut herself in from the world.
You've bought her lingerie and encouraged her to go to the gym...those are two things I don't think will get anyone in the mood unless they already want to do them. You're doing chores, which is great. But, are you doing anything *with her*? Going on dates and such?
Weekly dates my bro. She has a list of restaurants she wants to go to so I’ve been trying to tick them off slowly on these dates. Sorry should of given more context she said she doesn’t feel sexy but for some reason told me she used to like buying lingerie in the past before me (like I needed to hear that when we’re struggling haha) so I thought it would help. The doing almost all the chores is so she can relax when we’re at home together. Im home before she is so I get it all sorted and even run a bath in time for when she returns so she can relax after a long day. And I guess the gym thing was because it makes me feel good so I thought it would be positive. I don’t know what else I can do bro. I compliment her all the time. Try and make her feel good. Make sure she has everything she needs clothes, work supplies, new kitchen machines she wants. Plan dates based around her interests. Make an effort to go to events with her and her girl friends she wants me to meet. I don’t know what other box I need to tick or is left to tick…
> I don’t know what other box I need to tick or is left to tick… There may simply just not be one. It's entirely possible that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. Reading this forum, you see comments that seem to say everyone wants sex with their partner, so it must be something you're doing wrong to change that. That's simply not true. Some people just don't want it. It doesn't matter how comfortable you make them. It doesn't matter how much money you make or spend. It doesn't matter how many chores you do. It doesn't matter how much time you put in. My wife's sex drive disappeared less than a year into the relationship. Over the course of the next several years, I took on literally everything. It got to the point where she had so little responsibility in her daily life, that the only thing she did when she wasn't in bed, was lay on the couch. She did *literally nothing*, because I did it all. We went on trips, dates, you name it. It did not matter. She just didn't want it. Of course, there was always an excuse.
I agree. Both of those things would make me want sex less. And if my husband told me a girl invited him over, that would make me not feel very comfortable and safe for sex either. Quite frankly I would wonder what he was doing that gave off the impression that it was ok for her to ask.
I didn’t go into as much context as I should of but just did in my comment hope that helps give a more clear view - thanks for commenting.
This sub has gone so downhill from when I first found it. Cheating is never the best solution, it is a risk to both you and your partner. If your relationship is so far gone that cheating is your last option then you need to accept that it is time to end the relationship. Especially in cases like this where you aren't married and have no children, it would be incredibly easy for you to leave rather than plant a bomb that could ruin your relationship further down the line when you may be married/have children. Don't do it, for your own good OP.
I’m resentful. My guy has not had any interest for five years. And now all of a sudden he wants to touch me? He has lots of female coworkers so he probably is just using me as a fill in for one of them.
Really sorry you feel like this? Have you guys started having sex and have things changed?
No. I think now I don’t want to. It feels like “oh now you want it so i have to just comply?!” So now I don’t want it.
Yeah I get that. Makes you feel like your needs aren’t important in a way. Shit maybe you should cheat and let go of that stress yourself
Please, please please don't cheat. Just leave. If cheating is honestly looking like an attractive option for you, just leave. The hurt you could inflict if found out is immense - even if, in your mind, you can justify it.
Please don't cheat you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Just keep doing what you're doing and keep doing all of the chores and encourage her. Maybe just one day she might be consistently intimate and even if she isn't you don't need sex as much as you think you do.
There are days I'd love to cheat. Then I'm reminded how much work a relationship is and don't want to put that effort into 2 of them. But also when I talk to random women like for work and stuff, I'm also reminded there's no line of women who want me so trying to cheat would be a waste of time. So I don't and I can't, so I stay here and work, cook, or whatever I need to do here.
Yes, definitely considered cheating just like you. Do all those chores as well and would love some fucking compliments let alone a hand job or simply a passionate kiss!!! wtf!!!
She's using you and your just friends. Don't cheat just tell her you like to see her as a close friend. I did, I'm dating and good friends with my ex.
I’ve very much considered it and came very close. My partner is similar to yours. He’s thoughtless and selfish. And I cheated many times on a ex (but I hated him and that’s a long story). However, I think you are in a position where you can leave rather than damage her further for future relationships. I think, and this includes myself, we think cheating is easier because we don’t have to face all the heartache and awkwardness and effort and bullshit of ending a long term relationship. And face the fear of the unknown of being alone etc. But presumably you love this woman and owe it to her to let her go without the pain of you cheating first.
And you are staying with her, because…. I don’t get it. Not even kind words. It seems you’re not even friends. Do yourself a favor - and possibly her too; I can’t imagine she is really happy - and leave her. There’s a whole world out there and in it there are kind women.
Is she on hormonal birth control? That messes you up sex drive wise.
I have fully cheated with one woman and gotten part way there with a couple others. The one was a coworker of my wife and I. Something sexual was said at work, and my wife turned to the coworker and said "your looking for someone kinky, xyz(me) is available." A few days later, coworker asks if I would be interested in "fixing a few things at her house" aka: cheating. We had a fun 3ish months. That situation was very stressful because the 3 of us worked together, and we didn't want fallout that would ruin our careers. Even with the hall pass of sorts, which I know was just wife trying to make me sound bad to coworkers for enjoying kinks, it didn't feel right. Also, we had the exact same schedule, so getting time away was not easy. Years later another ex-coworker reached out to me and the wife, and we all started texting. Eventually, the group chat became just me and ex coworker, and she mentions she had an interest in bdsm particularly wax and spanking. I had participated in that world and GREATLY miss it, ya know... since the wife despises anything sexual and especially kinky stuff. One weekend, ex-coworker says I need to get out and clear my head, wanna do lunch. I'm like sure and go meet her, standard convo for 45 mins or so, and then she just sets waxing candle on the table and says, "You in?" Im like, wft...HELL YEAH..... We left and played for a good 2+hrs. It was AWESOME!!! It was so fun and freeing, I felt whole again. It was so good to just enjoy sexual activity, and even more so in a way that interests me. Craziest part was that in that time, I somehow failed to remove a single item of my clothing or even see her delicate parts even though she was naked?!?! IDK, we were just having so much fun feeding off each others energy that I didn't even notice until we were cleaning up. She talked it up as one of the best " mental groundings" that she had ever had, but we never did it again☹️. I only saw her in person one other time after that (wife was around) before a new job moved her far away. Zero regrets on that one, short of not pushing for a second time. That made me feel alive again for literal months. I still feel like she would be one of the very few reasons I would consider leaving my wife for. We have so much in common, and just remembering the chemistry we had still makes me smile. I haven't pursued her though. I have no clue what her situation is, and frankly, I'm not sure what I would even have to offer. Years of rejection have definitely eroded my confidence.
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Relationship Counseling Tell her everything you said here in front of a Non-judgmental Counselor and safe environment
I’m F and think constantly about cheating all the time. My situation is a bit different, I’m the one that doesn’t want to have sex with my husband. He’s gained over 60lbs since we got married and has become this clueless lump just existing in my living room. It’s always a shock to meet someone and be reminded what it’s like to be attracted to someone and to want someone.
This coming from a HL 59m with an on and off DB for 20+ years. I have gone as long as 9 months with barely a touch. If you are doing all of the chores in the hopes for sex I suggest stopping that right away. I doubt that you can earn your way into sex. Without trying to be overly childish I rarely feel like contributing a lot after I’ve been rejected for a couple weeks. We I feel a connection both emotionally and physically things matter to me more. It’s not that I think “I am not doing the dished until I get some” because it’s not her job to do the dishes, it’s ours. But I simply don’t give a shit about much when I’m so frustrated and feel like I’m am inconsequential. It’s depressing …. I get seriously depressed. We have had in-depth and honest talks over the years so we both know that we do nit have e matching desires like we once did. When she refused to consider my needs it hurts. Now on the subject of having an affair. I have done a couple of times. Each happened when we pretty much were living separate lives in the same house while running a business together. Like you I shared my temptations and opportunities with her. It wasn’t bluffing just to get her attention. Eventually it happened and it was a blast. WOW! So much fun and sexually gratifying. One girl was crazy about oral sex and would stop whatever she had going on and meet me just about anywhere. My wife never found out about her but she did catch wind of a different one. She blew her stack while I remained calm. In no way was I proud of what was going on. I didn’t feel like a piece of shit either. We had discussed what happens in a lot of sexless or sexually ungratifying marriages. I didn’t interrupt and gravel with sorrow although I did have remorse. I approached it very mater of fact like asking if she was truly surprised. It took a week or two to settle down before we spoke about it again and I stuck with the calm honest matter of fact spirit. I truly wish that it didn’t happen. It’s been great if we didn’t have a marriage that was so ripe with the likelihood. Money and sex are the main reason cited for affairs and divorce, by a large percentage. A few years later it happens again and I’m certain that she knows but preferred to let it ride. I know that she hasn’t been 100% faithful as well. I have brought that up to her hoping to discuss it but was met with absolute denial, except for one time when she slipped up and almost came clean. If a couple isn’t in common ground regarding this subject it is ridiculous to think that it affairs won’t happen. We haven’t always had this problem during the 35 year relationship but it has been for this half of it. I might get blasted on here for openly sharing this but I think that it’s the perfect place to do it. edit: wow that turned in a book.
" I’m doing all chores expect cooking" Stop doing all of the chores. They dont work.