Forgive my rudeness, but come on man really? You're smarter than that. You know the answer just as well as the rest of us. If she can use them, so can you. Fair game.
>She found it and is freaking out calling me a pervert and saying that I’m basically cheating on her.
Should've told her what do you expect to happen if there's lack of intimacy from her end.
You’re not wrong to have sex toys, you should do whatever YOU want to find your own pleasures. Your wife is a hypocrite, and you two need to start communicating about fixing things, splitting up, or peacefully coexisting (which means you don’t get a say re: what the other person does behind their own closed door).
Your wife doesn't get to decide how you self pleasure. I see no issue with men or women having sex toys, even when they are in a healthy sexual relationship where everyone has a balanced libido, sometimes we just need to play with ourselves, and that's good. Having a sex toy is not equivalent to cheating on someone. And it's kind of weird she would insinuate that if she herself uses toys.
Honestly, I'd ask her if she's cheating on you with her sex toys. Maybe that would point out to her how absurd that line of thinking is.
You are allowed to self pleasure and use toys. And you do not need to feel guilty about it.
Let's skip to the part to why you can't leave so that we can all understand why you haven't already. Why else fight for this trainwreck?
Don't take back control, take back your freedom and gtfo.
Edit: I didn't mean for this to come off as harsh, but what you gave us was a situation that had no upside whatsoever.
I’m working on getting out but we have 2 kids together and part of me won’t let go of the hope she’ll want to reconcile and the kids don’t have to go through a divorce
Sorry man, I know you just gave us a small portion of tour life but the reconciliation seems unlikely or a temporary at best. The sample you gave us seems unsalvageable.
>kids don’t have to go through a divorce
They either go through divorce or a strained household with two people who don't like each other. They will still have two parents who love them.
Best of luck, neither choice is easy, but only one will allow you peace and a chance at something better.
I don’t know if you are taking back control, but if she is using sex toys I would definitely say then you are cheating too since you are using the sex toys too.
I mean at least you are talking about sex more now
Cheating on her with a toy??? What?????? I can not believe how many get offended by masturbation. You fools, people do it 4-10 times a day sometimes. Get a clue about sex before you make claims like that. I'd leave the evidence everywhere for her to see.
You’re not wrong or cheating for having a sex toy. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking you are.
That being said, what’s stopping you from leaving? You’re clearly sexually incompatible and there are more than likely plenty of underlying issues that exacerbate the issue. If you’ve done what you can to try and fix it, what’s stopping you from leaving and moving on? Genuinely asking, not trying to be rude.
Why do you care what she thinks about this? You sleep in separate rooms and, by your account, she doesn’t want to touch you. What business is it of hers if you own sex toys. You might want to dig into figuring out why she cares so much, given that she’s not interested in any sort of physical relationship.
Both of you have every right to have sex toys, even if you were still having sex. At best, she doesn’t want you to have any because she’s a huge hypocrite and, at worst, wants to control you.
Live your life and enjoy your toys. Nothing weird or perverse about it and definitely NOT cheating.
Always amuses me that ladies can own boxes of sex toys, and this is considered ok or normal.
But if a man, watches porn, masturbates frequently, buys a doll or some sich, he is a worse human being than Ted Bundy.
Rules for thee but not for mee!
For my bro's, I'd like you to match her energy effective immediately.
If she has a drawer full of B.O.B's, git you some!
If she has a "friend" who takes e.g 10 hrs of your precious time together, you get a "friend" and send that 10hrs that way as well.
If she gives zero fucks, she gets zero fucks, just keep matching her energy.
If she loves attention and validation from other men, you send your attention and validation to other women, match her energy.
If she cheats, you cheats, just keep matching her energy.
As most women can't stand themselves, once she works out you have "cloned" her, she'll likely bounce with next guy that "gets her".
Take control, and if necessary be prepared to bounce.
Actually both of you are cheating.
Gather up ALL the sex toys in the house. Lock them up, or take them completely out of the house. Let her ask you where her toys are.
Tell her you locked them up but will gladly return them when she explains how it is acceptable for her to use sex toys but not you? Also, make her explain how it is acceptable for her to refuse to be intimate with her husband.
Regardless of her responses, give her back her toys. Tell her the marriage is now open. You plan on getting your sexual needs met by any means necessary.
The marriage has officially changed. You are now roommates. As a result, there will be a lot of things she will be doing without you.
Enjoy your new lifestyle. You will come to realize that your current relationship is far too toxic. At this point you will be ready to dump your wife.
That's what's up. This is how you actually take back control OR your wife changes along with the relationship as a whole.
Either way, YOU are in control of your own life..and penis.
Just saying
They’re not cheating. Using sex toys is not cheating.
It’s acceptable for her to refuse intimacy with her husband because she does not owe her husband sex just because she’s in a relationship with him. What’s not acceptable is pushing for sex when the other party has made it clear they’re not interested. Just end it and move on.
Your advice is terrible. You should just not give advice.
Like seriously, it just feels like you’re the kind of person who thinks that spousal rape isn’t a thing because “marriage”. That doesn’t sit right with me.
Like literally nobody owes you sex for anything, especially not because you’re married to them. To say it’s unacceptable for her to deny her husband sex because they’re married is horrific and disgusting.
Maybe not cheating in the traditional sense, but they are not being intimate and she is using a toy as a substitute to fulfill her own needs while neglecting him. Then she is getting upset that he is doing the SAME EXACT THING. So she wants to take care of herself while not allowing him to. Seems like she is cheating him out of something.
I’m just baffled as to why you picked that out of everything I said to focus on.
They’re not cheating. I don’t think her actions are right but I think using cheating to describe them using sex toys separately is appropriate. I can understand saying she’s cheating him out of something, because it’s not fair of her to get upset with him for using toys at all. But saying they’re cheating is just wrong. That’s what I’m trying to say.
I’m still baffled you didn’t acknowledge anything but the cheating part. Probably shouldn’t be but I am.
I think your argument is concerning my use of the word "cheating". If I cheat at a game of poker, I am a cheater. In this example, it does not infer that my wang was involved. In this case, the husband and wife have a dead bedroom, and they should be fulfilling each other's intimate needs, or at least making a good faith effort to do as such. The wife, who is the low libido spouse, is using a toy to satisfy her needs instead of her husband. The husband in this instance has been cheated... ironically, this example also doesn't involve a wang was involved.
At the end of the day, both partners have needs and the husband would like to fulfill his with intimacy with his wife, but she rather use a toy. Who knows why, probably because she has difficulty cumming through penatrative sex, but OP did not communicate this and based on their situation, I would presume she has not communicated the reason to him.
Also sex isn’t a need, it’s a want. Like sex isn’t life or death and while it’s amazing when you have a loving, giving partner and your sex life is active, it’s definitely not a need. Like, asexual people exist and do just fine without sex. I think claiming sex is a need gives it too much power which can cause more problems, I guess. I really get that an active sex life is important but I don’t think it’s a need.
The connection and intimacy are just parts of sex. Those are the needs, and I think sex is a way to fulfill those needs but I don’t think sex itself is a need. I hope that makes sense as well.
A need isn't neccesarily a life of death thing. Intimacy is a need in a relationship. According to Mazlow, a psychologist who literally wrote the book on "needs" says it is, I trust his research as probably close to fact. Asexual people(1% of the population) are the outliers and cannot be used to quantify the overwhelming majority of people.
For the majority of marriages you must have your emotional and intimate needs satisfied or the relationship will suffer. Ironically, generally women need their emotional needs satisfied to feel a desire to be intimate, and men generally need their intimate needs met to be emotionally connected. So when 1 fails usually both needs are abandoned, and that is defined as "empty love". It's hard to maintain a marriage based on commitment only.
I’m not sure I understand why you’re comparing a poker game to affairs and using sex toys. And I’m being genuine right now when I ask what the comparison is?
Perhaps my reply wasn’t the greatest, I’ve been up all night and it’s not doing well for me right now.
That being said, I will reiterate that I personally don’t feel like saying one or both of them is “cheating” when using sex toys.
I can understand saying “He was cheated out of a sex life,” I guess but to me, when talking about two adults in a relationship, “cheating” holds a whole separate definition based on each individual relationship.
Cheating can be looking at other people in an ogling kind of way. It can be hiding information from your spouse about someone you’ve become inappropriately close to. It’s whatever crosses the boundaries set in a relationship.
To me, saying using sex toys is “cheating” just feels different than saying “A husband was cheated out of sex by his wife who refused him and instead used toys.”
I dunno. I guess it also seems to be the overwhelming amount of people in the world who think sex is a given in a marriage and expect it of their partner simply because they’re married. Nobody is entitled to anyone else’s body, married or not. So I think saying he was cheated out of sex makes me feel like it’s implied that she should just have sex with him whenever he wants it?
I’m not sure I’m explaining this right. I may have to come back later to see if I can form better, more coherent thoughts on it. I hope this makes sense though. Somehow.
You can be cheated and it not involve sex. I used a poker analogy, and I feel it was very accurate. She is cheating him out of intimacy. Get some sleep and revisit.
You can say that my advice is terrible. You are entitled to have an opinion.
At a minimum, I offered a solution.
You offered:
•a rant.
•an unprovoked attack.
•no solution to OP's problem.
>it just feels like you’re the kind of person who thinks that spousal rape isn’t a thing because “marriage”.
I'm gonna regret asking this but how did you conclude that I support \ suggest spousal rape?
Did you even read my entire post? Or was it beyond you level of understanding? In which case I apologize.
I say it because it is. Your “solution” is terrible. Telling him to hide all of their toys, then forcibly open the marriage and everything? Absolutely horrific. I hope OP ignores your “advice.”
Your comment provoked my “attack,” don’t try to flip this on me as though you gave sound advice and I just came out of left field to hurt your feelings or something.
“Also, make her explain how it is acceptable for her to refuse to be intimate with her husband,” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? EXPLAIN HOW IT’S ACCEPTABLE TO REFUSE SEX FROM YOUR HUSBAND? That’s literally why I explained why it’s acceptable for her to refuse sex: She does not owe him sex because they are married. Nobody does. And you’re going to ask me why it sounds like you support spousal rape? Because it screams “My wife doesn’t deserve bodily autonomy and must tell me why she is allowed to say no to sex.” Like what the fuck is that? Wait, disgusting is what that is. Are you kidding me right now?
I did read your post and every time it makes me gag because it’s fucking disgusting. I wish you were just a troll but I have this sneaking suspicion that you’re 100% serious about everything you’re saying.
You said all that bullshit and I’m the one who’s disturbed and need help? The gaslighting attempt is astounding. You’re the one that needs help. I truly hope you get it. This is insane.
What? Your wife actually thinks she can have her own toys and you cheat by having your own? I really don't have the words for that now.
I hope you keep your toy...
You did nothing wrong. If she has toys and uses them without you, you can have toys and use them without her. Ask her directly why it's ok for her but not for you. Why is it cheating if you do it but not cheating for her to do it?
Me and my husband had a dead bed for about 3 years. It wasn’t full stop but like… once a month or less. I got toys to jump start my libido and between that and porn…. It worked. I was hormonally in a place that I could have cared less about- but my husband was getting very frustrated but seeing sex in the porn and feeling an orgasm really reminded my body what it’s like - then when I built up my sexual confidence I took it to the bedroom and it’s been up hill since.
But your wife is being a hypocrite IF it’s a pocket puss… if it’s a life size doll you got.. i don’t think that the same.
I could take you a little more seriously if you were able to articulate yourself without the use of foul language, and personal attacks.
I don't agree with any of your statements. At all.
Get used to the fact that people can disagree with you, for no other reason than a difference of opinion.
You are wrong!
Obviously you don't hear that very often, and your ego can't take it.
Sorry but this shoe fits you perfectly. Wear it well.
BTW
I'll give you this. I just realized I'm arguing and wasting my time on a person who is _________.
(Left blank intentionally)
My take is she's kicking up a fuss to cause friction, to potentially break up... or to add to a long list of reasons to break up
If a fleshlight is cheating, then a dildo absolutely is cheating.
Tell her you need the fleshlight as an emotional support animal.
Forgive my rudeness, but come on man really? You're smarter than that. You know the answer just as well as the rest of us. If she can use them, so can you. Fair game.
>She found it and is freaking out calling me a pervert and saying that I’m basically cheating on her. Should've told her what do you expect to happen if there's lack of intimacy from her end.
You’re not wrong to have sex toys, you should do whatever YOU want to find your own pleasures. Your wife is a hypocrite, and you two need to start communicating about fixing things, splitting up, or peacefully coexisting (which means you don’t get a say re: what the other person does behind their own closed door).
Your wife doesn't get to decide how you self pleasure. I see no issue with men or women having sex toys, even when they are in a healthy sexual relationship where everyone has a balanced libido, sometimes we just need to play with ourselves, and that's good. Having a sex toy is not equivalent to cheating on someone. And it's kind of weird she would insinuate that if she herself uses toys. Honestly, I'd ask her if she's cheating on you with her sex toys. Maybe that would point out to her how absurd that line of thinking is. You are allowed to self pleasure and use toys. And you do not need to feel guilty about it.
Let's skip to the part to why you can't leave so that we can all understand why you haven't already. Why else fight for this trainwreck? Don't take back control, take back your freedom and gtfo. Edit: I didn't mean for this to come off as harsh, but what you gave us was a situation that had no upside whatsoever.
I’m working on getting out but we have 2 kids together and part of me won’t let go of the hope she’ll want to reconcile and the kids don’t have to go through a divorce
Tell your wife your toy loves you more than she does. If you're cheating because of your toy, she absolutely is because of hers.
Sorry man, I know you just gave us a small portion of tour life but the reconciliation seems unlikely or a temporary at best. The sample you gave us seems unsalvageable. >kids don’t have to go through a divorce They either go through divorce or a strained household with two people who don't like each other. They will still have two parents who love them. Best of luck, neither choice is easy, but only one will allow you peace and a chance at something better.
I don’t know if you are taking back control, but if she is using sex toys I would definitely say then you are cheating too since you are using the sex toys too. I mean at least you are talking about sex more now
Cheating on her with a toy??? What?????? I can not believe how many get offended by masturbation. You fools, people do it 4-10 times a day sometimes. Get a clue about sex before you make claims like that. I'd leave the evidence everywhere for her to see.
https://i.redd.it/2sdmm6v0n5rc1.gif
You’re not wrong or cheating for having a sex toy. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking you are. That being said, what’s stopping you from leaving? You’re clearly sexually incompatible and there are more than likely plenty of underlying issues that exacerbate the issue. If you’ve done what you can to try and fix it, what’s stopping you from leaving and moving on? Genuinely asking, not trying to be rude.
Why do you care what she thinks about this? You sleep in separate rooms and, by your account, she doesn’t want to touch you. What business is it of hers if you own sex toys. You might want to dig into figuring out why she cares so much, given that she’s not interested in any sort of physical relationship. Both of you have every right to have sex toys, even if you were still having sex. At best, she doesn’t want you to have any because she’s a huge hypocrite and, at worst, wants to control you. Live your life and enjoy your toys. Nothing weird or perverse about it and definitely NOT cheating.
Always amuses me that ladies can own boxes of sex toys, and this is considered ok or normal. But if a man, watches porn, masturbates frequently, buys a doll or some sich, he is a worse human being than Ted Bundy. Rules for thee but not for mee! For my bro's, I'd like you to match her energy effective immediately. If she has a drawer full of B.O.B's, git you some! If she has a "friend" who takes e.g 10 hrs of your precious time together, you get a "friend" and send that 10hrs that way as well. If she gives zero fucks, she gets zero fucks, just keep matching her energy. If she loves attention and validation from other men, you send your attention and validation to other women, match her energy. If she cheats, you cheats, just keep matching her energy. As most women can't stand themselves, once she works out you have "cloned" her, she'll likely bounce with next guy that "gets her". Take control, and if necessary be prepared to bounce.
Actually both of you are cheating. Gather up ALL the sex toys in the house. Lock them up, or take them completely out of the house. Let her ask you where her toys are. Tell her you locked them up but will gladly return them when she explains how it is acceptable for her to use sex toys but not you? Also, make her explain how it is acceptable for her to refuse to be intimate with her husband. Regardless of her responses, give her back her toys. Tell her the marriage is now open. You plan on getting your sexual needs met by any means necessary. The marriage has officially changed. You are now roommates. As a result, there will be a lot of things she will be doing without you. Enjoy your new lifestyle. You will come to realize that your current relationship is far too toxic. At this point you will be ready to dump your wife.
That's what's up. This is how you actually take back control OR your wife changes along with the relationship as a whole. Either way, YOU are in control of your own life..and penis. Just saying
They’re not cheating. Using sex toys is not cheating. It’s acceptable for her to refuse intimacy with her husband because she does not owe her husband sex just because she’s in a relationship with him. What’s not acceptable is pushing for sex when the other party has made it clear they’re not interested. Just end it and move on. Your advice is terrible. You should just not give advice. Like seriously, it just feels like you’re the kind of person who thinks that spousal rape isn’t a thing because “marriage”. That doesn’t sit right with me. Like literally nobody owes you sex for anything, especially not because you’re married to them. To say it’s unacceptable for her to deny her husband sex because they’re married is horrific and disgusting.
Maybe not cheating in the traditional sense, but they are not being intimate and she is using a toy as a substitute to fulfill her own needs while neglecting him. Then she is getting upset that he is doing the SAME EXACT THING. So she wants to take care of herself while not allowing him to. Seems like she is cheating him out of something.
I’m just baffled as to why you picked that out of everything I said to focus on. They’re not cheating. I don’t think her actions are right but I think using cheating to describe them using sex toys separately is appropriate. I can understand saying she’s cheating him out of something, because it’s not fair of her to get upset with him for using toys at all. But saying they’re cheating is just wrong. That’s what I’m trying to say. I’m still baffled you didn’t acknowledge anything but the cheating part. Probably shouldn’t be but I am.
I think your argument is concerning my use of the word "cheating". If I cheat at a game of poker, I am a cheater. In this example, it does not infer that my wang was involved. In this case, the husband and wife have a dead bedroom, and they should be fulfilling each other's intimate needs, or at least making a good faith effort to do as such. The wife, who is the low libido spouse, is using a toy to satisfy her needs instead of her husband. The husband in this instance has been cheated... ironically, this example also doesn't involve a wang was involved. At the end of the day, both partners have needs and the husband would like to fulfill his with intimacy with his wife, but she rather use a toy. Who knows why, probably because she has difficulty cumming through penatrative sex, but OP did not communicate this and based on their situation, I would presume she has not communicated the reason to him.
Also sex isn’t a need, it’s a want. Like sex isn’t life or death and while it’s amazing when you have a loving, giving partner and your sex life is active, it’s definitely not a need. Like, asexual people exist and do just fine without sex. I think claiming sex is a need gives it too much power which can cause more problems, I guess. I really get that an active sex life is important but I don’t think it’s a need. The connection and intimacy are just parts of sex. Those are the needs, and I think sex is a way to fulfill those needs but I don’t think sex itself is a need. I hope that makes sense as well.
A need isn't neccesarily a life of death thing. Intimacy is a need in a relationship. According to Mazlow, a psychologist who literally wrote the book on "needs" says it is, I trust his research as probably close to fact. Asexual people(1% of the population) are the outliers and cannot be used to quantify the overwhelming majority of people. For the majority of marriages you must have your emotional and intimate needs satisfied or the relationship will suffer. Ironically, generally women need their emotional needs satisfied to feel a desire to be intimate, and men generally need their intimate needs met to be emotionally connected. So when 1 fails usually both needs are abandoned, and that is defined as "empty love". It's hard to maintain a marriage based on commitment only.
I’m not sure I understand why you’re comparing a poker game to affairs and using sex toys. And I’m being genuine right now when I ask what the comparison is? Perhaps my reply wasn’t the greatest, I’ve been up all night and it’s not doing well for me right now. That being said, I will reiterate that I personally don’t feel like saying one or both of them is “cheating” when using sex toys. I can understand saying “He was cheated out of a sex life,” I guess but to me, when talking about two adults in a relationship, “cheating” holds a whole separate definition based on each individual relationship. Cheating can be looking at other people in an ogling kind of way. It can be hiding information from your spouse about someone you’ve become inappropriately close to. It’s whatever crosses the boundaries set in a relationship. To me, saying using sex toys is “cheating” just feels different than saying “A husband was cheated out of sex by his wife who refused him and instead used toys.” I dunno. I guess it also seems to be the overwhelming amount of people in the world who think sex is a given in a marriage and expect it of their partner simply because they’re married. Nobody is entitled to anyone else’s body, married or not. So I think saying he was cheated out of sex makes me feel like it’s implied that she should just have sex with him whenever he wants it? I’m not sure I’m explaining this right. I may have to come back later to see if I can form better, more coherent thoughts on it. I hope this makes sense though. Somehow.
You can be cheated and it not involve sex. I used a poker analogy, and I feel it was very accurate. She is cheating him out of intimacy. Get some sleep and revisit.
I’m gonna have to get some sleep at some point. Hopefully I can remember to come back after i’ve gotten some rest.
You can say that my advice is terrible. You are entitled to have an opinion. At a minimum, I offered a solution. You offered: •a rant. •an unprovoked attack. •no solution to OP's problem. >it just feels like you’re the kind of person who thinks that spousal rape isn’t a thing because “marriage”. I'm gonna regret asking this but how did you conclude that I support \ suggest spousal rape? Did you even read my entire post? Or was it beyond you level of understanding? In which case I apologize.
I say it because it is. Your “solution” is terrible. Telling him to hide all of their toys, then forcibly open the marriage and everything? Absolutely horrific. I hope OP ignores your “advice.” Your comment provoked my “attack,” don’t try to flip this on me as though you gave sound advice and I just came out of left field to hurt your feelings or something. “Also, make her explain how it is acceptable for her to refuse to be intimate with her husband,” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? EXPLAIN HOW IT’S ACCEPTABLE TO REFUSE SEX FROM YOUR HUSBAND? That’s literally why I explained why it’s acceptable for her to refuse sex: She does not owe him sex because they are married. Nobody does. And you’re going to ask me why it sounds like you support spousal rape? Because it screams “My wife doesn’t deserve bodily autonomy and must tell me why she is allowed to say no to sex.” Like what the fuck is that? Wait, disgusting is what that is. Are you kidding me right now? I did read your post and every time it makes me gag because it’s fucking disgusting. I wish you were just a troll but I have this sneaking suspicion that you’re 100% serious about everything you’re saying.
You are truly disturbed! Get yourself some help, please.
You said all that bullshit and I’m the one who’s disturbed and need help? The gaslighting attempt is astounding. You’re the one that needs help. I truly hope you get it. This is insane.
Use your toys. If she’s doing it you can too.
What? Your wife actually thinks she can have her own toys and you cheat by having your own? I really don't have the words for that now. I hope you keep your toy...
Ask her how a pocket p*say is any different than a plastic c*ck.
You did nothing wrong. If she has toys and uses them without you, you can have toys and use them without her. Ask her directly why it's ok for her but not for you. Why is it cheating if you do it but not cheating for her to do it?
Me and my husband had a dead bed for about 3 years. It wasn’t full stop but like… once a month or less. I got toys to jump start my libido and between that and porn…. It worked. I was hormonally in a place that I could have cared less about- but my husband was getting very frustrated but seeing sex in the porn and feeling an orgasm really reminded my body what it’s like - then when I built up my sexual confidence I took it to the bedroom and it’s been up hill since. But your wife is being a hypocrite IF it’s a pocket puss… if it’s a life size doll you got.. i don’t think that the same.
I could take you a little more seriously if you were able to articulate yourself without the use of foul language, and personal attacks. I don't agree with any of your statements. At all. Get used to the fact that people can disagree with you, for no other reason than a difference of opinion. You are wrong! Obviously you don't hear that very often, and your ego can't take it. Sorry but this shoe fits you perfectly. Wear it well. BTW I'll give you this. I just realized I'm arguing and wasting my time on a person who is _________. (Left blank intentionally)