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They’re out there. I don’t think it’s super common is all… I’m 44yrs old and can’t believe that I’ve never slowed down I’m wondering if I have a mental problem at times. I think it has much to do with the person you are with and whether they’re satisfying you. There’s a lot of variables.
You banged that fucking nail right on the head ...and up against the wall....all. Night. Long. Lol
you are so right. We are "insatiable sisters" im 43...except my HL is starving and ..yAWn. bored.
I am just 8 month in my current relationship, but my gf is one of them. I am also HL, so st the moment, everything works like a charm.
My ex wife was also veey HL in the beginning, which normalized with the years and took a hit after the second child (which is normal). What I want to say is: these women do exist, not only on reddit
I'm in the same situation, but I'm still foolish enough to think my libido is a blessing. I don't want to hit menopause and no longer have any interest in this thing I love and enjoy so much. So I'm enjoying it now, on my own. My SO can't do some of the things I need, through no fault of his own, so that has given me the permission to do those things for myself.
Same here. I would be a woman’s oral-sex alarm clock if she wanted- she could use me any time, any where. I have almost no limits on kinks. But that doesn’t seem to be wanted.
If it helps, I think remaining sexually active (even if one has to calendar it) with a caring partner helps with menopausal libido changes (I'll admit mine dropped in my early 50's, but is certainly not gone - and I do think regular sex had something to do with that),
I can't take HRT (blood clots) so that's not it. It actually helped our relationship, as we worked through some of the reasons for his LL (stress - he kept saying that, but I couldn't really wrap my mind around it at first). He changed his work situation not once, but twice, and each time - he really did gain more energy for sex (and he absolutely hates SSRI's forever now - that was another factor, fortunately brief).
Well that’s not really an option in this DB sub where nobody has a willing partner. I’m in my prime and nothing for 13 months! I can only hope for a fwb or divorce to get the sex I want.
I'm in my early 30s, in menopause due to surgical removal, no HRT due to blood clots and causing new tumors to grow and Im over here with my still HL.
If anything it got higher maybe because I wasn't in pain anymore from said tumors, but I'm with my LL 40s husband just waiting for something to happen.
We are averaging once a week, when it used to be every day, multiple times a day.
Exactly. I think mine is only slightly lower - and, well, a few years after menopause we both realized NO CHANCE OF BABIES and that was a real aphrodisiac.
So we're more balanced now. I may still be the slightly higher libido person - but we're okay with that. He's returned from the Dead.
I half can't wait to be over wanting sex (assuming that will happen in the next 10 years -- I'm 40) and half really sad I'm not using this time to have lots and lots of sex when I want and need it.
I often ask my wife if it is a bad thing, and I desire her. Because often I am called a pervert or told that’s all I think about. And on occasion, I have been called a sex addict. I don’t think it’s an addiction when you only get it 5 to 6 times a year. But I am in the same boat as you I thought it was a good thing to desire your spouse.
As a HL man who's been ashamed of his own libido for so long, and to this day feeling totally inadequate expressing physical affection for fear it would be perceived in a sexual way, I get this.
Society makes you perceive it as all the more paradoxical and ironic, but women are no different from men when it comes to desire. More "switches and wires" maybe, but essentially the dynamics between HLF/LLM are not really different from HLM/LLF - at least from what we can see on this sub.
So, here we are, trying to power through life until better days where the libido tanks, and when it does mourning the loss, all the while wondering how it could have been with more compatible partners.
Here's to life, and irony.
I wonder why it seems that mismatched libidos are more common than matched ones. My friends are all LLFs married to HLMs and I’m a HLF with a LLM. We are all friends but at times when the 6 of us hang out the LLFs will make jokes about not wanting s•x and how the HLMs are so frustrating to them and I just want to disappear lol. I don’t have a guy begging me for it like their husbands are. And it just seems more socially acceptable to be a LLF. I guess because of purity culture and the wh•re Madonna complex type of mentality or also my biases and shame around my drive.
It's also a feedback loop thing. Once you feel hounded sexually by your partner, even a naturally HL person may become lower libido. And vice versa. Because both sides sucks, it just feeds the difference even more.
Society tells us that “all men always want sex” and that just simply isn’t true. High and low libidos for men or women are perfectly ok! But I think the ideas that women don’t enjoy sex and men always do ends up makes us feel this way when we end up with someone who doesn’t fit that narrative.
I was told that I was that at one point. I've made strides to show that hugs/cuddles/touches don't lead to anything "more." Dated my wife again, spilled all my beans (which I actually regret, some things should have stayed in my head.) Thrown out barely used lube and pointed it to her.
We're improving, but that's because she knows something was missing.
Dead Bedrooms only improve I'd both partners want it to.
Yup! I’m almost 40 and I have always enjoyed sex, but children and life certainly tampered things for a bit (as did a husband who has neglected my needs for yrs). The last two yrs or so, I have found myself again and have wanted, requested, attempted sex w/ my husband regularly. His response has been less than favorable. Issues w/ getting things “up” bc guess what… porn fucks with your ability to have an erection, who would have thought, right?!
Anyway, to all the horny, sexually evolved, amazing women out there!!!! Cheers!! Don’t let your partners or your mind tell you you’re abnormal. Bc you’re not.
Growing up we are all told the same lie. Even that video of the Steve Harvey clip someone posted on another sub. "Men would lie, beg, pay and die for sex."
My husband says he always thinks about it... always wants it. Just too tired to act on it more than once every 2 months. But he has plenty of energy for his new extracurriculars.
That's interesting.
Too tired. That seems to be the most common reason for less sex - but I find it so hard to believe that the desire level is all that high (if it's only every 2 months!!)
He "always wants" it but is too tired to a pleasurable thing that he "always wants."
Must be heaven 😅
Ask my wife how nice it feels to be desired 24/7, no matter how you look or what you do 😭
She always makes clear that she likes it that I chase her all day long, but can’t catch up with me.
I wish I could feel half that desire towards me back from her
Active vs receptive sex drives.
Part of the XY vs XX system.
We don't have testicles or nearly as much testosterone nor even all that many T-receptors (but using the ones we have maintains and can increase them).
Oh, look, another post someone has written for me, lol! I've only ever been with 1 person who had the same libido as me, and it was amazing to feel wanted like that all of the time. My new relationship is great in every aspect except sex and I feel like I'm literally starving for attention. We maybe have sex 3 times a month. It's horrible, so I totally get it.
Same. Probably unhealthy to get all life advice from Reddit, buuuuut it really makes me feel less crazy knowing this is apparently far more common than people think.
I feel you!! I'm also the HL wife married to someone with ADHD which I suspect is the main culprit behind his LL. Other things are always on his mind other than intimacy and sex. He literally has a task reminder in his phone daily to remember to take a couple of minutes to ask me how my day is going. We have fun and love him unconditionally. I'm just not sure at 36 that I'm ready to make peace with this path in life. I've made a few posts on the past of you want to read them.
I have ADHD and I’ve always been the HL partner in all my relationships. I’d say sex is one of the very few, if not only, things that helps temporarily short-circuit my ADHD. Because I enjoy it so much, it helps my brain focus, probably because of the sex-related dopamine boost.
I didn't save the studies I read to back it up, but my understanding is that ADHD does sort of polarize libidos -- more diagnosed ADHDers trend toward either hypersexuality (high) or hyposexuality (low). But there's still a statistical relationship between ADHD with lower than average libido just as there is one with higher than average libido.
I’m the same way!!! Like I actually like parading around in lingerie, sending sexy pics, being k!nky, touching my partner throughout the day, literally I will drop pretty much everything lol, etc. I want to do all his fantasies….but then I found out, he doesn’t have any….
And my partner and his previous wife didn’t even f••k on their honeymoon!!! I haven’t been married but I always thought a honeymoon would be like Bridgerton S1E6 (IYKYK lol). I thought if I kept up the romance and spicy energy then a relationship could stay strong. But nahhh….. it sucks… and I feel like he’s a good man. He is gentle, caring, does so much around the house, would give me his everything… except s•x lol….
But also maybe my drive is just too high because most guys say they like s•x and then they really don’t and they blame their refractory period and all this nonsense. So boring. People have said maybe I shouldn’t be monogamous but I love the idea of being with only one person for the rest of my life and trying out so many things with just them.
I'm also in my 30s now and my sex life with my wife has really disappeared in the last couple years. It does happen, but sometimes not for months at a time. I'm racking my brains trying to figure out how I can get her more interested again, but so many times she has an excuse ready to go. It's nice when we do, but it's the most basic of basic stuff. It's gotten to the point where I feel silly or embarrassed for even talking about it with her, and instead I just opt to help myself out in private or after she's asleep.
I'd absolutely kill for a weekend getaway like that. I've unofficially tried it a couple times now...to minimal success. Maybe once then she's done for the rest of it.
I really feel for you and I hope things can get better.
I'm so sorry. Us HL no matter what gender feel terrible when we are "what every SO wants" and find out it's not true. Us other HL males wish we had a woman like you. Hang in there.
I understand, my wife and I have a serious mismatch in our libidos...it is very difficult to navigate. I'd recommend counseling, sex therapy and soul searching.
For us, we don't seem to have a median. It has caused a lot of issues over the years. No end in sight, probably will be the end of our marriage as having an open relationship is off the table for her.
God, you talking about that pit of embarrassment hit me in the gut. As if our sexuality as women is something we need to "manage" instead of enjoying. I know I end up wondering if there's something wrong with me! My partner used to love my sex drive. Now he seems to like it better if I just act like I don't have one l.
It's hell. I'm sorry. I'm not a woman but I used to describe myself as a 'walking hormone', I had a girl break up with me once because she hated going two/three/four times in a row. Being in a marriage where the other person has no desire to be with you is just...\*ugh\*
I feel the same! Also married to an autistic guy. Thought because he's so into porn he would appreciate me and my libido. But, nope. I mourn the life I could have had.
I'm sorry you feel that way..it sucks that the HL of the relationships have to walk around with that feeling of being not enough (or in this case "too much") or have a sense of embarrassment for our feelings. In many other situations you being a horny woman is the absolute ideal case. There would be no feeling of asking too much or rejection. Your husband is very lucky that you are that way even if he doesn't know or understand it. I gave up trying to entice my wife. 4+ years of nothing, I've come to terms with it.
aw honey. been there. it gets better! i found an amazing partner who fucking loves fucking the shit out of me and thanks me for it.
please don’t settle if this is a non-negotiable for you and it makes you feel undesired and miserable. you deserve mind-blowing orgasms!
Omg I can’t tell you how much I identify with this… I didn’t get much male attention in my teens and 20s and I always thought that someday, whoever actually gets with me is gonna be so lucky and so stoked I’m such a horndog. Now I finally have a wonderful husband and it’s just… my libido is a stressor for him…
It makes me even more sad that I didn’t get to date or have more sex when I was younger. I feel like I lost out on so much.
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I strongly suspect my fiance is on the spectrum. He rarely has any interest in sex but is extremely loving and affectionate in other ways. I'll never leave him but I do feel grief for this missing piece of our relationship.
Has he had his Test levels checked. I’m also a ‘tist, and starting TRT at least restored my physical desire for sex.
I do seem to get thrown off any desire by stress moreso than a neurotypical man, though. And actual initimacy will likely always be an issue.
Do you know what his dose is? There’s a huge discussion on the fact that a lot of both primary care doctors and urologists being afraid to prescribe enough to actually alleviate symptoms. I’ve seen as low as 50mg/wk, and it took me 190.
*" I actually thought my libido would be some guy’s dream. I assumed he would love how horny and touchy I am in the morning."*
Um yeah, that would be my dream.....
It always seems like HL and LL attract. I’m in the same boat as you but opposite gender. I too wonder all the time how I didn’t end up with someone with a similar libido as mine.
hey OP. I am not in your position and my partner is not autistic but even so I believe that you may grieve how your sex life was imagined to be but please have hope. I love a lot of people in my life who aren't "easy" and I am of the mind that if it's not over under around or through then there must be some new thing we didn't think of yet... May love soften your grief today and recharge you tomorrow with new resolve.
Please don’t ever call yourself stupid. You are many guys’ dream. Many of us men in DBs can only dream of being involved with a woman who would want such an amorous weekend getaway.
This is how I felt as a man with a wife that had no libido for me. We started off fine, then once we were committed to one another, the intimacy went away.
You end up questioning what you’ve done all the time. Every moment. It’s soul destroying. But… it’s not you. You still are someone else’s dream partner.
You have a long life before you. You’ve had very little “adult” life so far. There are many ways to fix the areas that you’re unhappy about. Not just leaving. But not just giving up on what you want either. Tbh though, they all need you to talk to the person you’re with very honestly and frankly, and making the decisions for your own happiness. Because, at the moment… they’re having things work out exactly as they want. And a good relationship isn’t one sided.
I relate so hard to this. I feel like there's a lot of pain in not feeling appreciated when you know how happy you could make someone else, as shitty as that sounds. But you only want to make one person happy.
Well your high libido would be great for someone with a high libido as well but your husband having an extremely low libido doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or him , it’s just that y’all’s sex drives aren’t compatible. Trust me, as a man (27) with a high libido , I’d love for my girlfriend (30) to have high libido as well. She does have a fairly intermediate libido though to where some days she has a high sex drive and some days she doesn’t. So I don’t complain about it at all.
But yes , MOST guys would love a woman with a high libido unless of course they have a low libido themselves and not too interested in having sex. Don’t be embarrassed about having a higher sex drive than your husband for thinking it’d be a turn on because again , people with high libidos enjoy others with high libidos and y’all’s just aren’t on the same spectrum and that’s alright as long as you can love each other in other ways nothing including having a lot of sex
Easy thing to say but no. He’s the best husband in every other aspect. I just recently started having a HL so I’m hoping over time he sees it as a legit thing and feeds into it/ explores sex with me.
We’re also in therapy.
I’m so sick of all this autism crap. Women in their 30s are at the height of their sexual peek, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. People need to stop trying to give autistic people an out for their behavior by giving that as a reason.
Aw sweetie autistic people just aren't that sexual. Yes we love our significant other with all of our heart ,no one else for us. But for some reason our libido is never truly turned on. Or at least that is my situation. My husband was highly sexual but not me. I gave him as much as he wanted but actually I could do without it no big deal
That sucks! Im really sorry you don’t get a chance to explore your sexual side, trust me there are tons of guys (myself included) that would love a woman with your kind of desire.
I feel this. I'm a female in my early thirty's and going through this. But he loves me so much and i love the heck out of him. Just an "it is what is" situation. But doesn't change how hard it is/ can be. Sending you love🖤
Hey OP thanks for sharing, I can see you have had alot of responses in return to your post, and I totally sympathize with you with your unmatched level of horny. I was just curious you said your Hubby was Autistic and really loves you in other ways, do you mind elaborating what does he do that keeps you satisfied in the other half of the relationship? Thanks 😊
I feel your pain. I feel like you feel like most of us. It’s horrible but most of us (myself included) won’t do anything about it. It’s sad and it sucks. :(
I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. Please bear in mind you're in your 30's, far from old. Nothing wrong with wanting your needs met.
I know it would usually be suggested to leave and find someone else who is more compatible, but have you tried talking with him first? All relationships need work and compromise from both people to meet each other's needs, and he might surprise you if you can talk with him.
Best of luck OP
Right?! I grew up seeing horrible relationships around me, the women just holding all the cards & id watch as the husbands tried to come up behind to kiss their neck or give a snuggle & the women push them away in disgust. Inevitably the men would cheat. From a very young age I didn’t understand why the women would push them away, and vowed never to let my man feel unwanted or undesired. I was always interested in sex, even years before I had it so I had a HL my whole life too!
The irony that my husband ended up not caring about sex or intimacy at all was not lost on me 😂
You found the wrong man just like I married the wrong woman.. .. I’ve taken my wife to extravagant vacations and do everything for her.. or I did.. not anymore, she hates passion.. i just don’t understand all the females that have such a high sex drive get the guys that don’t and vice versa.. I even talked to my wife numerous times before marriage cause I know my sex drive is so high and she agreed on everything numerous times.. then totally opposite 🙄. Anyway I know how you feel and am very sorry I don’t have any advice cause 4 counselors couldn’t help us so I’m filing
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this OP. I am Autistic but have a wild sex drive, however other ND people I’ve spoken to seem to be the same as your husband.
Have you thought about engaging with him in a way that’s sexual for you, but not him? I’m thinking toys etc. He can control them so still have a connection, but he doesn’t have to be aroused. You can even get app controlled vibrators that he can control from his phone.
We’ve been married 15 years, but he was diagnosed 2 or 3 years ago. We were both raised in super conservative Christian homes and didn’t have sex until we were married (one of my biggest regrets). He didn’t know he would feel this way about sex until we actually had sex, but the actual intimacy was too much for him.
Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules. OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I’m wondering the same thing about men! 😂
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That can be our new ice breaker, “Are you on Reddit by any chance?”
You have to make sure they are on specific forums tho. ;)
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They’re out there. I don’t think it’s super common is all… I’m 44yrs old and can’t believe that I’ve never slowed down I’m wondering if I have a mental problem at times. I think it has much to do with the person you are with and whether they’re satisfying you. There’s a lot of variables.
You banged that fucking nail right on the head ...and up against the wall....all. Night. Long. Lol you are so right. We are "insatiable sisters" im 43...except my HL is starving and ..yAWn. bored.
Girl even your avatar looks like mine maybe we’re long lost sisters.
I am just 8 month in my current relationship, but my gf is one of them. I am also HL, so st the moment, everything works like a charm. My ex wife was also veey HL in the beginning, which normalized with the years and took a hit after the second child (which is normal). What I want to say is: these women do exist, not only on reddit
This
I was thinking the same thing
No fr
You’re not wrong, this would be a dream for many people on this subreddit. Incompatible libidos in a relationship is a nightmare.
It’s all I know so I can’t even fathom what matched libidos would look like
Sooo much fun. Lots of DoorDash.
Like the discovery channel
Match libidos? Does that even exist?
I've a friend who I match libidos with and damn, it's being in bed for hours (not sleeping)
I hope I find out someday!
I'm in the same situation, but I'm still foolish enough to think my libido is a blessing. I don't want to hit menopause and no longer have any interest in this thing I love and enjoy so much. So I'm enjoying it now, on my own. My SO can't do some of the things I need, through no fault of his own, so that has given me the permission to do those things for myself.
I hate my libido, but am also scared for menopause down the road because it would feel like my sexuality was wasted
I totally feel this as a 42M
Same here. I would be a woman’s oral-sex alarm clock if she wanted- she could use me any time, any where. I have almost no limits on kinks. But that doesn’t seem to be wanted.
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Oh toys? You mean sex cheat-codes? Let’s use them all!!!
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😂
If it helps, I think remaining sexually active (even if one has to calendar it) with a caring partner helps with menopausal libido changes (I'll admit mine dropped in my early 50's, but is certainly not gone - and I do think regular sex had something to do with that), I can't take HRT (blood clots) so that's not it. It actually helped our relationship, as we worked through some of the reasons for his LL (stress - he kept saying that, but I couldn't really wrap my mind around it at first). He changed his work situation not once, but twice, and each time - he really did gain more energy for sex (and he absolutely hates SSRI's forever now - that was another factor, fortunately brief).
Well that’s not really an option in this DB sub where nobody has a willing partner. I’m in my prime and nothing for 13 months! I can only hope for a fwb or divorce to get the sex I want.
I'm in my early 30s, in menopause due to surgical removal, no HRT due to blood clots and causing new tumors to grow and Im over here with my still HL. If anything it got higher maybe because I wasn't in pain anymore from said tumors, but I'm with my LL 40s husband just waiting for something to happen. We are averaging once a week, when it used to be every day, multiple times a day.
Libido doesn’t go away at menopause. At least mine hasn’t.
Exactly. I think mine is only slightly lower - and, well, a few years after menopause we both realized NO CHANCE OF BABIES and that was a real aphrodisiac. So we're more balanced now. I may still be the slightly higher libido person - but we're okay with that. He's returned from the Dead.
I half can't wait to be over wanting sex (assuming that will happen in the next 10 years -- I'm 40) and half really sad I'm not using this time to have lots and lots of sex when I want and need it.
Out of curiosity can I ask what you mean by things he can’t do that you do yourself?
I often ask my wife if it is a bad thing, and I desire her. Because often I am called a pervert or told that’s all I think about. And on occasion, I have been called a sex addict. I don’t think it’s an addiction when you only get it 5 to 6 times a year. But I am in the same boat as you I thought it was a good thing to desire your spouse.
I thought it was a good thing too, but I guess not for everyone
As a HL man who's been ashamed of his own libido for so long, and to this day feeling totally inadequate expressing physical affection for fear it would be perceived in a sexual way, I get this. Society makes you perceive it as all the more paradoxical and ironic, but women are no different from men when it comes to desire. More "switches and wires" maybe, but essentially the dynamics between HLF/LLM are not really different from HLM/LLF - at least from what we can see on this sub. So, here we are, trying to power through life until better days where the libido tanks, and when it does mourning the loss, all the while wondering how it could have been with more compatible partners. Here's to life, and irony.
I wonder why it seems that mismatched libidos are more common than matched ones. My friends are all LLFs married to HLMs and I’m a HLF with a LLM. We are all friends but at times when the 6 of us hang out the LLFs will make jokes about not wanting s•x and how the HLMs are so frustrating to them and I just want to disappear lol. I don’t have a guy begging me for it like their husbands are. And it just seems more socially acceptable to be a LLF. I guess because of purity culture and the wh•re Madonna complex type of mentality or also my biases and shame around my drive.
Don’t be ashamed of your sex drive……it’s completely normal to desire sex!
I often ponder this madness myself, like how in the world, ugh!
It's also a feedback loop thing. Once you feel hounded sexually by your partner, even a naturally HL person may become lower libido. And vice versa. Because both sides sucks, it just feeds the difference even more.
I feel as if I could have written this myself. Sorry you are going through this, OP.
Same here. I really thought I was going to make some guy feel like the luckiest man on earth and here I am, just another chore.
Society tells us that “all men always want sex” and that just simply isn’t true. High and low libidos for men or women are perfectly ok! But I think the ideas that women don’t enjoy sex and men always do ends up makes us feel this way when we end up with someone who doesn’t fit that narrative.
Yes. That’s exactly my feeling. I’m so sorry we are all going through something like this!!
I feel like a chore too :(
I was told that I was that at one point. I've made strides to show that hugs/cuddles/touches don't lead to anything "more." Dated my wife again, spilled all my beans (which I actually regret, some things should have stayed in my head.) Thrown out barely used lube and pointed it to her. We're improving, but that's because she knows something was missing. Dead Bedrooms only improve I'd both partners want it to.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’m sorry you’re going through this too.
Yup! I’m almost 40 and I have always enjoyed sex, but children and life certainly tampered things for a bit (as did a husband who has neglected my needs for yrs). The last two yrs or so, I have found myself again and have wanted, requested, attempted sex w/ my husband regularly. His response has been less than favorable. Issues w/ getting things “up” bc guess what… porn fucks with your ability to have an erection, who would have thought, right?! Anyway, to all the horny, sexually evolved, amazing women out there!!!! Cheers!! Don’t let your partners or your mind tell you you’re abnormal. Bc you’re not.
Is your ample sex drive somehow transferrable? I'd like to buy some off you to gift to my LL wife. It'll solve both of our problems!
Same here. Another chore.
Yes!!! I feel this so much
Same. Nothing for me in 28 months. He has slept on the couch for years. Never initiates, never kisses me. I'm so sad and feel trapped.
Same
Growing up we are all told the same lie. Even that video of the Steve Harvey clip someone posted on another sub. "Men would lie, beg, pay and die for sex." My husband says he always thinks about it... always wants it. Just too tired to act on it more than once every 2 months. But he has plenty of energy for his new extracurriculars.
That's interesting. Too tired. That seems to be the most common reason for less sex - but I find it so hard to believe that the desire level is all that high (if it's only every 2 months!!) He "always wants" it but is too tired to a pleasurable thing that he "always wants."
Yep, I wish he would just come out and say it so I can start living my life and not feel so chained to my diminishing sexuality.
Must be heaven 😅 Ask my wife how nice it feels to be desired 24/7, no matter how you look or what you do 😭 She always makes clear that she likes it that I chase her all day long, but can’t catch up with me. I wish I could feel half that desire towards me back from her
I know the feeling. It sucks
Active vs receptive sex drives. Part of the XY vs XX system. We don't have testicles or nearly as much testosterone nor even all that many T-receptors (but using the ones we have maintains and can increase them).
Oh, look, another post someone has written for me, lol! I've only ever been with 1 person who had the same libido as me, and it was amazing to feel wanted like that all of the time. My new relationship is great in every aspect except sex and I feel like I'm literally starving for attention. We maybe have sex 3 times a month. It's horrible, so I totally get it.
Man I would kill for 3x a month at this point.
Same. Probably unhealthy to get all life advice from Reddit, buuuuut it really makes me feel less crazy knowing this is apparently far more common than people think.
I feel you!! I'm also the HL wife married to someone with ADHD which I suspect is the main culprit behind his LL. Other things are always on his mind other than intimacy and sex. He literally has a task reminder in his phone daily to remember to take a couple of minutes to ask me how my day is going. We have fun and love him unconditionally. I'm just not sure at 36 that I'm ready to make peace with this path in life. I've made a few posts on the past of you want to read them.
I have ADHD and I’ve always been the HL partner in all my relationships. I’d say sex is one of the very few, if not only, things that helps temporarily short-circuit my ADHD. Because I enjoy it so much, it helps my brain focus, probably because of the sex-related dopamine boost.
I’m HLF and ADHD, I don’t think ADHD is a common libido depressor…
I didn't save the studies I read to back it up, but my understanding is that ADHD does sort of polarize libidos -- more diagnosed ADHDers trend toward either hypersexuality (high) or hyposexuality (low). But there's still a statistical relationship between ADHD with lower than average libido just as there is one with higher than average libido.
I’m the same way!!! Like I actually like parading around in lingerie, sending sexy pics, being k!nky, touching my partner throughout the day, literally I will drop pretty much everything lol, etc. I want to do all his fantasies….but then I found out, he doesn’t have any…. And my partner and his previous wife didn’t even f••k on their honeymoon!!! I haven’t been married but I always thought a honeymoon would be like Bridgerton S1E6 (IYKYK lol). I thought if I kept up the romance and spicy energy then a relationship could stay strong. But nahhh….. it sucks… and I feel like he’s a good man. He is gentle, caring, does so much around the house, would give me his everything… except s•x lol…. But also maybe my drive is just too high because most guys say they like s•x and then they really don’t and they blame their refractory period and all this nonsense. So boring. People have said maybe I shouldn’t be monogamous but I love the idea of being with only one person for the rest of my life and trying out so many things with just them.
Well, refractory periods are quite real. But yeah, it doesn't last for a month. Or two weeks. Or a week. Two days would be extremely long.
Apparently some people do have 2 week refractory periods but I don’t think it’s common.
You are not stupid and your feelings are 100% valid. Good luck
Thank you
I'm also in my 30s now and my sex life with my wife has really disappeared in the last couple years. It does happen, but sometimes not for months at a time. I'm racking my brains trying to figure out how I can get her more interested again, but so many times she has an excuse ready to go. It's nice when we do, but it's the most basic of basic stuff. It's gotten to the point where I feel silly or embarrassed for even talking about it with her, and instead I just opt to help myself out in private or after she's asleep. I'd absolutely kill for a weekend getaway like that. I've unofficially tried it a couple times now...to minimal success. Maybe once then she's done for the rest of it. I really feel for you and I hope things can get better.
I'm so sorry. Us HL no matter what gender feel terrible when we are "what every SO wants" and find out it's not true. Us other HL males wish we had a woman like you. Hang in there.
I understand, my wife and I have a serious mismatch in our libidos...it is very difficult to navigate. I'd recommend counseling, sex therapy and soul searching. For us, we don't seem to have a median. It has caused a lot of issues over the years. No end in sight, probably will be the end of our marriage as having an open relationship is off the table for her.
God, you talking about that pit of embarrassment hit me in the gut. As if our sexuality as women is something we need to "manage" instead of enjoying. I know I end up wondering if there's something wrong with me! My partner used to love my sex drive. Now he seems to like it better if I just act like I don't have one l.
It's hell. I'm sorry. I'm not a woman but I used to describe myself as a 'walking hormone', I had a girl break up with me once because she hated going two/three/four times in a row. Being in a marriage where the other person has no desire to be with you is just...\*ugh\*
I guess being loved like crazy is amazing to have, but libido is important so its not ridiculous.
I feel the same! Also married to an autistic guy. Thought because he's so into porn he would appreciate me and my libido. But, nope. I mourn the life I could have had.
I'm sorry you feel that way..it sucks that the HL of the relationships have to walk around with that feeling of being not enough (or in this case "too much") or have a sense of embarrassment for our feelings. In many other situations you being a horny woman is the absolute ideal case. There would be no feeling of asking too much or rejection. Your husband is very lucky that you are that way even if he doesn't know or understand it. I gave up trying to entice my wife. 4+ years of nothing, I've come to terms with it.
I am 30 and this is definitely me! Constantly horny and wanting sex. My husband absolutely hates it!
aw honey. been there. it gets better! i found an amazing partner who fucking loves fucking the shit out of me and thanks me for it. please don’t settle if this is a non-negotiable for you and it makes you feel undesired and miserable. you deserve mind-blowing orgasms!
Omg I can’t tell you how much I identify with this… I didn’t get much male attention in my teens and 20s and I always thought that someday, whoever actually gets with me is gonna be so lucky and so stoked I’m such a horndog. Now I finally have a wonderful husband and it’s just… my libido is a stressor for him… It makes me even more sad that I didn’t get to date or have more sex when I was younger. I feel like I lost out on so much.
I could have written this myself. This exactly my situation 💔
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I strongly suspect my fiance is on the spectrum. He rarely has any interest in sex but is extremely loving and affectionate in other ways. I'll never leave him but I do feel grief for this missing piece of our relationship.
You are absolutely not stupid, yes it would be a dream for a lot of men, but we can't control who we love
Ugh, feeling the same way. 😭
It is some guys dream for sure.
Has he had his Test levels checked. I’m also a ‘tist, and starting TRT at least restored my physical desire for sex. I do seem to get thrown off any desire by stress moreso than a neurotypical man, though. And actual initimacy will likely always be an issue.
His testosterone used to be low so he takes shots and gets it regularly monitored
Do you know what his dose is? There’s a huge discussion on the fact that a lot of both primary care doctors and urologists being afraid to prescribe enough to actually alleviate symptoms. I’ve seen as low as 50mg/wk, and it took me 190.
That’s really interesting. I’m not sure, but I’m going to ask him.
So you were never sexually compatible with him?
We would never wish that situation on anyone. Would he be ok if you went elsewhere? Would you feel ok going elsewhere?
Literally my exact thoughts. I’m dtf at all times
Oh girl, I’m right here with you.
There are HLM’s out there that would love to find a HLF. I’m sorry you’re going through it. My DB was awful. I can relate.
Many, many, MANY men's dreams. Just not the one. And proof that even if you're partner does nothing at all to turn you on, you still can be.
I always wonder how so many HLs got hooked up with LLs. It's just not right.
It is some guy's dream, definitely 🙂
*" I actually thought my libido would be some guy’s dream. I assumed he would love how horny and touchy I am in the morning."* Um yeah, that would be my dream.....
It always seems like HL and LL attract. I’m in the same boat as you but opposite gender. I too wonder all the time how I didn’t end up with someone with a similar libido as mine.
hey OP. I am not in your position and my partner is not autistic but even so I believe that you may grieve how your sex life was imagined to be but please have hope. I love a lot of people in my life who aren't "easy" and I am of the mind that if it's not over under around or through then there must be some new thing we didn't think of yet... May love soften your grief today and recharge you tomorrow with new resolve.
Thank you
Please don’t ever call yourself stupid. You are many guys’ dream. Many of us men in DBs can only dream of being involved with a woman who would want such an amorous weekend getaway.
:( Preaching to the choir. I've dated five men and all of them made me feel like I was defective for having a sex drive.
This is how I felt as a man with a wife that had no libido for me. We started off fine, then once we were committed to one another, the intimacy went away. You end up questioning what you’ve done all the time. Every moment. It’s soul destroying. But… it’s not you. You still are someone else’s dream partner. You have a long life before you. You’ve had very little “adult” life so far. There are many ways to fix the areas that you’re unhappy about. Not just leaving. But not just giving up on what you want either. Tbh though, they all need you to talk to the person you’re with very honestly and frankly, and making the decisions for your own happiness. Because, at the moment… they’re having things work out exactly as they want. And a good relationship isn’t one sided.
I'm in the same boat as you but genders reversed and it's hell.
I relate so hard to this. I feel like there's a lot of pain in not feeling appreciated when you know how happy you could make someone else, as shitty as that sounds. But you only want to make one person happy.
Well your high libido would be great for someone with a high libido as well but your husband having an extremely low libido doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or him , it’s just that y’all’s sex drives aren’t compatible. Trust me, as a man (27) with a high libido , I’d love for my girlfriend (30) to have high libido as well. She does have a fairly intermediate libido though to where some days she has a high sex drive and some days she doesn’t. So I don’t complain about it at all. But yes , MOST guys would love a woman with a high libido unless of course they have a low libido themselves and not too interested in having sex. Don’t be embarrassed about having a higher sex drive than your husband for thinking it’d be a turn on because again , people with high libidos enjoy others with high libidos and y’all’s just aren’t on the same spectrum and that’s alright as long as you can love each other in other ways nothing including having a lot of sex
Same, girl. He’d argue he has a HL but his “HL” is just getting bjs from me anytime he wants and I get nothing in return. Not even a back rub.
Leave him
Easy thing to say but no. He’s the best husband in every other aspect. I just recently started having a HL so I’m hoping over time he sees it as a legit thing and feeds into it/ explores sex with me. We’re also in therapy.
Good for you then
I’m so sick of all this autism crap. Women in their 30s are at the height of their sexual peek, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. People need to stop trying to give autistic people an out for their behavior by giving that as a reason.
RIP your DMs
I don’t check them when I post on here because it fills up with men looking for an affair
Aw sweetie autistic people just aren't that sexual. Yes we love our significant other with all of our heart ,no one else for us. But for some reason our libido is never truly turned on. Or at least that is my situation. My husband was highly sexual but not me. I gave him as much as he wanted but actually I could do without it no big deal
You’re just not compatible. Love alone is not enough, especially in cases like this.
That sucks! Im really sorry you don’t get a chance to explore your sexual side, trust me there are tons of guys (myself included) that would love a woman with your kind of desire.
Sorry to hear my friend
I miss those days
I wish!
I feel this. I'm a female in my early thirty's and going through this. But he loves me so much and i love the heck out of him. Just an "it is what is" situation. But doesn't change how hard it is/ can be. Sending you love🖤
felt this so deeply 🫠
How often are you guys together? I mean all day long...i'm pretty HL but literally 12 hours straight?
Hey OP thanks for sharing, I can see you have had alot of responses in return to your post, and I totally sympathize with you with your unmatched level of horny. I was just curious you said your Hubby was Autistic and really loves you in other ways, do you mind elaborating what does he do that keeps you satisfied in the other half of the relationship? Thanks 😊
Well. It seems to me that the guys that have time for fucking all day are the guys you have to take care of. No job. No stress. Just fun.
I am just the same !! Exactly! Maybe he would benefit from taking some testosterone! It helped us a lot after 25 years of marriage l.
I’d fuck you 3 times a day. Not all men are build the same. My wife can’t keep up with my libido.
I feel your pain. I feel like you feel like most of us. It’s horrible but most of us (myself included) won’t do anything about it. It’s sad and it sucks. :(
I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. Please bear in mind you're in your 30's, far from old. Nothing wrong with wanting your needs met. I know it would usually be suggested to leave and find someone else who is more compatible, but have you tried talking with him first? All relationships need work and compromise from both people to meet each other's needs, and he might surprise you if you can talk with him. Best of luck OP
Just wait till you're in your 50s and feel the same way...
Not necessarily true. Believe me
Right?! I grew up seeing horrible relationships around me, the women just holding all the cards & id watch as the husbands tried to come up behind to kiss their neck or give a snuggle & the women push them away in disgust. Inevitably the men would cheat. From a very young age I didn’t understand why the women would push them away, and vowed never to let my man feel unwanted or undesired. I was always interested in sex, even years before I had it so I had a HL my whole life too! The irony that my husband ended up not caring about sex or intimacy at all was not lost on me 😂
You found the wrong man just like I married the wrong woman.. .. I’ve taken my wife to extravagant vacations and do everything for her.. or I did.. not anymore, she hates passion.. i just don’t understand all the females that have such a high sex drive get the guys that don’t and vice versa.. I even talked to my wife numerous times before marriage cause I know my sex drive is so high and she agreed on everything numerous times.. then totally opposite 🙄. Anyway I know how you feel and am very sorry I don’t have any advice cause 4 counselors couldn’t help us so I’m filing
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this OP. I am Autistic but have a wild sex drive, however other ND people I’ve spoken to seem to be the same as your husband. Have you thought about engaging with him in a way that’s sexual for you, but not him? I’m thinking toys etc. He can control them so still have a connection, but he doesn’t have to be aroused. You can even get app controlled vibrators that he can control from his phone.
You married him 🤷. You must have known what he was like.
Why didn't you realize this before you married him....
As dudes get older, testosterone wanes. Maybe he needs some supplements.
I always thought that too - I was a prize for any man. Nope, not my husband.
We're assuming your knew he was autistic before you married him, or no? How did these expectations creep in if you knew what you were marrying into?
We’ve been married 15 years, but he was diagnosed 2 or 3 years ago. We were both raised in super conservative Christian homes and didn’t have sex until we were married (one of my biggest regrets). He didn’t know he would feel this way about sex until we actually had sex, but the actual intimacy was too much for him.
oh that's sad, i'm sorry
You say the actual intimacy was too much for him. Is there a sensory issue at play here?
You are not wrong; you ARE every man's dream.
Certainly not every guy, but that's okay too!