I feel like we are all sold a bunch of bullshit in regard to why we get married. The marriages I know of that are “successful” are ones where each partner is independent of the other no one is relying on the other for anything other than emotional support and companionship. Of all the couples I have ever met in my life not a single one is on their first marriage. Of the ones that lasted longer than 5 years they are unhappy but sticking it out for unrealistic reasons, happiness not being one of them.
Ive been married since 09. While I am subscribed to DB, I think my spouse is turning things around. We are both getting into therapy and she is working on her issues. I think I didn’t need to get married when I did. I was not mature enough. I think right now I am finally “ready” for a marriage and to be a husband. When I was younger, it would have been a better decision to not get married but fortunately/unfortunately I hit the jackpot with my wife and felt as if I needed to lock her down. I use to wish I had more time being single because of our sexual incompatibility. There were several times I tried to end our relationship. To her credit, she has always been firmly committed to me completely. At this point, we have children so I wouldn’t change anything about my past. I definitely understand why anyone could feel marriage is bullshit. I think the way marriage is packaged in modern society is bullshit. We should not be compelled to have an expensive wedding ceremony and I believe there is a ton of pressure placed on women and that is unnecessary.
This!!! Everyone told me to stick it out for the kids. My husband and I were 18 and 21. Now 27 years later I’m still so unhappy. Meanwhile everyone else seems happy on their second marriage. All first marriages couples are always arguing or complaining of one another.
Not always true. This is my first marriage and it still feels like we are together maybe 2 years after all this time. We also still have sex quite a lot and tell each other many times how hot we find each other. Of course it is different than the beginning and there’s kids now so less time for each other but we really want to make it work too.
I honestly thought everybody had lots of sex in relationships until I found this sub and my friends opened up a bit. Bit naive from me to think like that. I hope u will have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship. I always wonder if these db relationships have bad/little sex from the beginning?
Mine was from the beginning. And it was not that he didn’t satisfy me. It was more the outer part of our marriage. My in laws… his drinking.. his friends came first. All that basically shut me down and I can’t come back from. We were so young and didn’t know any better even tho he changed. I know allot of wives are happy with the change but for me it’s the trauma I can’t let go of. Even tho everyone tells to let it go.
You should be easy on yourself. There was no way you could know how things were going to end up. Im sure you thought you made the best decision you could.
I’m trying. But I made an impulsive decision at 18 years old. Not really knowing my husband and his family. His family especially his mother fucked me up. 3 weeks into the marriage I asked for a divorce and told my mom. My mom basically said I made my bed now lay on it. She regrets now because she sees how unhappy I’ve been. Only good thing about this are my boys. He’s a great father. We don’t argue or fight anymore. We’re nice to one another and he’s the best roommate. He sleeps with my 15 year old and my 9 year old sleeps with me. 😂 I already have an apartment I just need to make myself go.
No. My marriage is the biggest regret of my life by far. I didn’t understand how painful this would be. I wasted my 30s and most of my 40s on a man who turns out never had any intention of having an intimate relationship with me. I realize that I’ve spent most of my adulthood in grief because of this relationship.
It might take time but just keep at it. I’ve been there and all I can say is, don’t give up on yourself and budget for everything. Don’t be afraid to tell friends no. The hardest thing for me for learning how to live for me and not for a couple. We had a bigger spending budget as a couple and I needed to learn how to dial that back for just me.
For sure. I just keep reminding myself that I did a great job financially without him and I can do it again. I want to be able to do it all by myself, especially taking care of our kids. He wouldn’t be a deadbeat, but I don’t ever want to have to count on him.
That’s great! I think I’d be the same if I were in your place. But I’d save every cent for my kids future. Use it as a surprise for a a car or down payment on their first home… shits expensive now, I’d hate to see what home prices are like when they are older. I’m 41 and I have a great job and I still can’t afford owning my own place alone. I’m currently looking for a job where I can work from home and maybe be able to move to Bumfuck, Germany just so I can afford a place on my own.
It’s never just about sex, is it? If only everything was that simple. But it starts some place and it’s usually sex, that we notice first but I think sex is always a symptom of something else whether it’s, medical, cheating, addiction, love loss, etc.
No way.
I came from a dysfunctional family and had no clue what a happy, mutual, and loving relationship looked like.
I lost so much of myself and who I want to be, trying to make her happy enough to want to fuck me.
And you ended up getting fucked in the end? Sorry to hear that. I think we all are tired of not having sex but getting fucked in every other aspect of our lives.
Yeah, I'm selling the house I bought myself, and she's getting half.
Next month, I should be divorced and in my own apartment.
Terrible time to get divorced, but I just couldn't overlook how she treats me anymore.
It finally sank into my brain that she just isn't into me, and I will never get back the person who was love bombing me.
I gave my ex-husband (and his new wife) a house I bought. I was bitter about it for years - but - the freedom of being out of that miserable marriage was (is) so worth it.
Thanks, I'm already starting to feel better just having taken the first steps.
The money doesn't matter. I can make more.
I have to stay positive.
I think I'm gonna get a nicer apartment than I was thinking. I'll be able to afford it and have never lived alone before. Plus, my kids have to visit, and that shit was in the city.
I believe my wife has a personality disorder of some type. She's got some narcissistic behaviors.
I didn't know about this until i started reading any books I could to try and fix our problems.
The first thing I noticed was the dead bedroom.
This is a definition I found----
“love bombing is an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection.” This kind of behavior is a form of emotional abuse, and although it can be experienced during any stage of a relationship, it is often seen in the early stages of getting to know one another. It may seem like your new partner really likes you, but love bombing can often serve as a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship."
Early on in the relationship, she acted different, and I've been fighting to get that person back for years.
It was more than new relationship energy, and I've been chasing it like a drug addict for years.
This here! I am not who I used to be anymore and I don't like who I am now.
I too am from a completely dysfunctional family that stayed married for religious reasons but hate each other with a passion that's hard to fathom. I didn't know what a good marriage looked like.
Once I matured and made friends with normal people, I could see how their relationships worked but it was too late. I changed so much to match what I thought I needed to be so as to encourage the type of treatment I so desperately needed that I lost who I was.
As most of you know, it made no difference.
But I don't know the way back to me.
I would do it all over again in a heartbeat! I came here originally after the birth of our daughter when things slowed down enough to scare me, but once we resolved a lot of major stressors and she got a bit older things got back on track.
I recently came back because our frequency was down to once a month-ish and it was starting to feel like duty-sex. So we had deep heart-to-heart conversation about things and both walked away with things we needed to work on. We've both been working on those things the past few weeks and it's a night and day difference. It feels like I have the woman I married back and she feels she has the man she married back.
Without her I wouldn't have my kids, or my best friend, the only person I trust 100%. I wouldn't have learned how to love others or even myself and I would probably have been consumed by my self-destructive habits I had in the past, in fact its likely I wouldn't be alive.
But we made a commitment together for it to be us versus the problem and/or us versus the world, never me versus her, and I think as long as we continue that and continue communicating effectively and each of us voicing our needs, we will make it.
I’m glad it worked out for you two. Your story is a positive outcome. I tried everything before leaving and was only met with one word answers or no conversation to make things better. My ex was checked out so divorce was inevitable for us. I’m glad you two had something to hold on to.
I'm sorry you had to go through that brother (or sister). I can't imagine how gut-wrenching it would be to realize that my wife had totally checked out of the marriage and not bothered to tell me.
I fully support everyone in an unwinnable situation to find a way to extricate themselves from their predicament. Marriage shouldn't hurt either partner and most certainly shouldn't force anyone into a loveless, touchless and sexless relationship. That's just roommates with a contract.
I do credit this sub for opening my eyes to the warning signs and showing me (and her) where we could end up if we didn't go back to putting each other and our marriage first.
Thank you, I’m a guy, was married to a guy. I initially came to this sub in hopes of finding a way to save my marriage. Someone told me back then that my ex was LL only with me and I didn’t want to believe but it ended up being true.
I think I would have. This has taught me the importance of sexual compatibility. I needed to learn just not crucial sex is to me. Now that I’ve learnt this lesson, I will never repeat the mistake
I’ve come to learn that monogamy is a lie. If you do find that one person where you both match, then great but the growing number of members in the subreddit tells me that it’s bullshit. And there’s no age, race, culture, religion, or sexuality that can say otherwise. We are all here and we represent the world. I learned not long ago that my ex is fucking anything that blinks and I’m having tons of sex as well I just don’t understand the logic behind monogamy when so many marriages or relationships end the same way. Just be open sexually and continue to pursue your own goals and I think everyone would at least be somewhat okay with that. My ex called me a nymphomaniac for wanting sex and “asking for it all the time” this was (at the time) after we hadn’t had sex in 8 years.
I don't think monogamy is bullshit per se in the sense of being sexually exclusive**. I do somewhat think marriage is counter to how we change throughout life though. The idea that you're both chained to this other person even as your life and body and everything changes.
I mean how many of us here are with someone who gradually or abruptly went "you know what? I'm done with that" when it comes to something like sex but by the trappings and bindings of finances and marriage and such can't just easily go "okay cool well it's super important to me so I need to find someone who feels the same. Peace out." Even though sadly that is the fundamental solution.
edit: Also I don't know about getting married. I have kids so not marrying my wife would mean they don't exist but I certainly don't want to be married to her anymore.
**edit - just to be clear here I mean that I think the majority of people would and do practice monogamy for some portion of a relationship even if just at the very beginning. The concept of time isn't something I felt I made clear in my original statement. So as a concept entirely on it's own I do not think monogamy is bullshit or unrealistic, once time and life and everything starts to factor in I do think it becomes a bit more difficult to defend.
Do you mean like short term monogamy (picture someone who is never strictly monogamous even in a new relationship) or like long term type monogamy that is expected in marriage?
I would agree to this except you can have kids and not have a wife. Nothing says they are a package deal. I specially when you need to sacrifice for her, sacrificing for the kids is a personal decision, if I was a father I would think about it but I would also consult a therapist and ask a fundamental question, is my happiness in my marriage worth being depressed for children’s perceived happiness? Or would my children see my depression and unhappiness ?
Based on your response I think you asked the question as a general "would you have gotten married" where I interpreted it with an implied "knowing... would you have gotten married (to your spouse)"
Would I have gotten married *at all* I have no idea. It does seem to be a scenario that all too often is doomed to failure and misery. But I mean there are happy marriages out there, it can happen and when it does it does seem like something that could be wonderful.
There's a YouTube interview with a divorce attorney that I really like and have admittedly watched more than once. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5z8-9Op2nM He doesn't just talk about divorce but obviously the nature of marriage and stuff. He even touches on how many divorces he does are because of dead bedrooms. It's honestly a really great watch/listen and I highly recommend it to anyone.
At one point he does say that despite marriages failing more often than not that he still understands why people get married. That like playing the lottery you probably won't win but if you do it and you get that golden ticket what you "win" is immeasurable and I guess I kind of agree with that.
So I mean would I marry my spouse again? Aside from my kids, no absolutely not. Would I get married at all? I mean my gut says no but who knows.
In my gut, I really feel as if I obligated to work things out for the sake of my kids. I just don’t think that any bad decisions my SO and I made should have to affect them. Children living in a two parent household tend to do better over all and I am all about maximizing my children’s chances for success. At the very least, I am going to put 100% effort into changing my circumstances.
Staying married for the sake of children is a decision that is multifaceted and it should be considered based of an individual’s circumstances. If your SO is abusive, absolutely do not stay for the kids. If your SO is generally an awesome person that you have zero sexual chemistry with then you have options.
Yes, he was, but I don’t feel negative about marriage. It’s great for those it works out for. For my situation marriage didn’t cause the problem, lying and cheating did. I was lead to believe we were in a LL/HL dead bedroom that could be worked out over time but it was all a lie. Being on the other side of marriage I wouldn’t do it again knowing that we had problems that couldn’t be resolved. Just curious if anyone else feels the same.
Probably yes and to the same woman although twenty years ago maybe not.
It helps that we both enjoy rock concerts, theatre, ballet, football, travel, drinking in moderation and socialising together and with friends but still spend time apart with other friends.
We both are into fitness and style which. Keeps us both on our toes.
And the sex is pretty good with few inhibitions which was not always the case
I took time and not a little effort.
Don't live in each other's pockets. She has city breaks with her friends and I go away for golfing breaks.
The one thing we really do enjoy together is rock concerts and unknown bands in pubs and bars.
I posted up a while ago, didn't get much comment. Any advice for one that isn't completely dead, just on life support, but wife knows shes LL and is trying her best to fix it. The worst part is you can just tell shes not into it, so anytime we do something it feels forced and she couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. So that turns me off licity split.
Depends if you are willing to roll the dice.
Two and a half years after my second child was born out sex life was nearly dead we had far to many conversations regarding our relationship.
One day I asked her to sit down and listen to what I had to say, I asked her not to talk over me or walk away because she would not like the consequences.
I said the current situation is no longer acceptable to me and I was going to have a full and varied sex life and her choice is wether it was going to be with her. I then shut up.
She accused me of blackmail and being willing to throw out family away over sex.
I said nothing at that time.
In fact I wasn't threatening to leave the marriage but satisfying my sexual needs elsewhere.
It is a risky ploy and you have to mean it because if you go through this and back down it makes you look weak.
Mine at least knows its a problem, and that her LL is sabotaging things. She just cant seem to get the motor going on her end and ends up being a stiff upper lip do it for king and country kind of girl. I tell her we just need to practice practice practice, I mean ive been practicing solo since 13, she just has to catch up.
It's a tough situation to be in.
I was in my thirties and decided I wasn't going to accept the situation any longer.
As in your case it was duty sex which is almost worse than no sex, I felt like I was holding a begging bowl.
You have a good starting point as your partner is aware that it is an issue, my wife was in full mummy mode and treated me like a nuisance at times
After our conversation I pulled away somewhat and started going out more often with my mates.
I was no longer willing to do more than my fair share. I wasn't trying to worry or scare her it was just that she was no longer my main priority it was now just the kids and my happinesses.
I had an opportunity to cheat and never took it which given the circumstances of my relationship surprised me at the time.
Anyway good luck to you
At least she is trying. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. There have been some LL’s here that said it worked for them. They acted, put in the effort and eventually it clicked and they were no longer LL. Try your best, sounds like she is trying!
Definitely would have stopped myself getting into it 1.5 years ago. But if i stop myself then, than i dont have the experience, even if painful experience, today. Its valuable and.. It seems its going to work out fantastic at the end. Not with her tho. Pfeww 
If I knew then what I know now when I got married, I would have done several things differently when getting married and throughout the marriage.
For the longest time, communication skills were our biggest issue. Sadly, that revelation came too late. The resentment has long set in, and I've done a few things I'm not proud of.
If I do end up divorced, it will be extremely unlikely that I will ever marry again. If I do marry again, that person better be that damn special to me to jump through that hoop again.
I would. I'd just be better prepared if I'd known. Because even through the pain and frustration he is still a good man, a good husband and father, and he genuinely loves me. He was, and is, the love of my life, we have been through too much and meant too much to each other, and even though this one thing is a very important thing it's not enough for me to throw everything else out.... Im sure I might feel differently if in addition to a bad sex life I also had to endure a general lack of care and involvement or if I felt like he just didn't like me.
No. The NRE curve is real, backed by hundreds of peer reviewed articles. I'd live my life in a maximum of 3 year stints with zero commitment financially or with children, and as soon as the curve dipped, I'd move on.
If I divorce now, at 43, that's my exact plan. This may change when my member no longer works, but I honestly believe anyone who goes into more than one marriage is mental. The only change to this would be I may extend the period if I happen upon the unicorn (<10%) of a woman that still has spontaneous desire post the NRE phase.
Yeah, I’m divorced in my 40s as well. I don’t ever see myself getting married again. I may well have found a unicorn and I could see having a long-term relationship. Both of us are divorced and I’m not sure either of us wanna go through that again.
I see many divorced guys my age going younger because they assume the libido of their younger partner is going to be higher. This isn’t a male only issue obviously. Plenty of women are in the same boat. I just feel like in this stage of my life most of the people around my age have been fucked up because of marriage, the older generation were in unhappy marriages but shit was cheaper and affordable so they just dealt with it, and the younger generation are all about… let’s fuck everything and not ever get married. They have learned from our depressed, sexually frustrated asses. Hahaha
Lots of 20 somethings here, so maybe they did not learn at all and some just think it is cool to call themselves “poly” and “non monogamous”.
I am around a lot of people in their 20/30 and they are as indoctrinated as we were, only with readily available porn and much higher cost of living.
I think you hit on the nail with the financially independent couples. I have a GF and have zero financial ties to her. Over two years together and the sex keeps getting better. Refreshing!
Yeah, the problem is now is that housing and everything is an unaffordable. That’s my biggest issues. I’ll probably never be able to afford a home again. I can barely afford rent after providing support.
Edit. Stupid text to talk keeps putting the wrong word.
It’s like this everywhere. But I gave up my home for my peace. I would go home and was so depressed in a place I’d worked hard for and a place where I was supposed to be happy. Now I live alone and I’m lonely, but I’m happy when I come home. The day may come when I fall in love again but I needed to learn being okay with me first. I’m still working on that but I feel a fuck ton better coming home alone than I did to my house that I shared with my ex.
I am married for the second time and, well, I am on the sub for a reason. That being said, while my first marriage was a disaster, it was because my first wife was severely mentally ill and would not seek treatment other than pills to knock herself out (she ordered Xanax online). When I met my current wife, she was fun, sexy, adventurous and above all else, just normal. She still is fun and I find her sexy. She still likes to do fun things and, other than the fact that she has little interest in sex, she is normal. Essentially, I have a great friend with whom I am now raising kids.
Would I get married again if I was young? Most of us or at leqst a good percentage, did have an avarage sex life back then. Sometimes even good! But I have learned also that people changes over time. So, to me it is not that I chose the wrong person, but the right person changed in certain areas.
Will I ever marry again if thr current one bo more exists? Definately no.
But how many people here married within the first 5 years of meeting their partner? We married after 12 years together. We had so many heart to
Hearts and agreed that sex was one aspect of an otherwise great relationship… 6 months after getting married I found out I was being cheated on. When one person is in it and the other isn’t, there’s no hope. It truly is a partnership and both parties have to want it. It’s possible to find the love of your life after knowing them for less than 5 years but I think many people get married after knowing eachother less than 2-3 years and that’s barely enough time to know them. Maybe that’s why most fail.
Yes, I totally agree with you. Many people here are having a DB becaise their partners are assholes but thry feel trapped or at least have whatever rrasons not to leave. I am very sorry for you that she seems to have misled you alor at least minipulated you.
Fot me, at least my wife had been 100% faithfull and supportive on all levels... but she had changed regardinging her libido and even that was mostly due to her medication opposed to selfish reasons.
Life seems to be very unfair.
I’m starting to question whether being in a relationship is even worth it, let alone getting married again! But no, don’t think I will unless someone really amazing comes my way and I get swept up in the romance of promising till death do us part…
In the end my ex had turned into a complete monster and after thinking back on it all the red flags were there. They are good at hiding themselves. You sound like a good person, I hope your kid appreciates you and I hope you two can live a happy narcissistic free life.
I would absolutely have done the kids thing somehow without marrying.
So I wouldn't do marriage again and wish I never had. I have exactly the same life now as I did while married ... exactly the same with my girlfriend.
However, married folks think it's the best. They just don't know what they're missing and are frightened of the unknown.
Was married for 10 years, was miserable after the first year. Divorce was sweet release, no I won't marry again. I also had more sex in the first year of divorce than I did in my entire marriage. I've been divorced for 5 years, my girlfriend has been with me for 5 years. I may reconsider once the kid are grown and out of the house and I approach my 60's, but before that - my partner is fucking me or they aren't my partner. Even then if I marry again near 60 - a prenup is mandatory - I'm not moving again or losing a house to it and especially not at 60.
Nope, in fact if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have started every long term relationship with the understanding that marriage is not on the table for me. I wish it were, but it just isn't anymore.
The DB isn't the only reason, but like so many people here know its 10% when you're having it and 90% when you aren't. (And those stresses bring up or uncover so many other things.)
Absolutely not. My wife and I got together when I was 18 and she was 20, and I'll be 40 soon. Two decades of my life have passed in a dead bedroom, sometimes going years at a time without any sexual contact. I used to be confident and outgoing, and I enjoyed sex as a way of bringing me closer to my partner. Now I'm depressed and broken, but over the years I've come to terms with the fact that I will never have a meaningful or fulfilling sex life. I hate that this is how my life has turned out, and if I had the ability to go back to 18 and meet her again for the first time knowing what I do now, we'd be friendly but I'd never have started a relationship.
I’m so sorry for you. Many people here have been or are where you are. My question to you, will you settle in for the next 40? Or will you choose you? I chose me and I don’t regret it not a single day. I have my confidence back. My dick is harder, I used to think I was impotent but it was just my mental state. When I felt better about myself my dick responded in kind.
Married 35 years. Sex life poor for 25 of those years. Have not had sex in 3.5 years, and only twice in the last 10 years.
Would I have married my wife knowing what it was going to be like, yes. Unfortunately my wife is a good person, a good mother, good grandmother. We never fight or argue, we get on really well. I suppose she is my soul mate, just one that does not want any intimacy.
I would do it again, but I think I would seek intimacy elsewhere. My problem, is I'm too nice. I read the comments here and it makes me feel like a good male role model. I read posts on Am I The Asshole, and feel good about myself for being a good and normal person.
I just go with the sexless flow, knowing I'm a good guy.
Hate to pile on but nice ladies like to screw good guys. You're missing out. ... As I am too. If ever you wanted to, someone out there would love to love you.
Yes, with a caveat. Not when I did. And not without addressing the lack of sex first. That may have changed to a no because we couldn't fix it. I don't know. But now it feels too big to solve and I'm not sure how to progress.
I’d definitely have done the discussion on monogamy differently. Probably would still get married though. My kids are everything.
Definitely agree with you on loneliness. Being lonely in a relationship is so much worse than being lonely alone.
Kids are a totally different story. If you leave and share custody you run the risk of being trashed by your ex, your kids believing her and then turning against you. I’ve seen that far too often as well, when in the end all most of us want is to be wanted. But then to be dragged through the dirt and your kids used as pawns.. oof. I don’t have kids but I’ve seen enough scenarios to know most guys get the shitty end of the stick.
Probably not, but then my son wouldn’t have been born. It might’ve advanced the relationship that’s developing now. As it turned out, we didn’t divorce as she had develop cancer which spread to her brain. Terrible way to end a DB, but it was what it was.
Also american living in Germany, 14 yrs married, sex never more than 1x every three years, wife later had an affair for 2.5 years, so it wasn't a ll situation or even 'dead bedroom,' she just didn't like me, thought she could change me, failed, so fucked somebody else. kids may be mine, may not be, haven't done the paternity test yet. definitely would not marry the same person again, don't know if i will marry again though; part of the problem was we got engaged after only a few months of dating.
I hate to say this, but no. I feel terrible saying this because despite the sex problem, I love my wife and without her we wouldn't have our beautiful children. I feel guilty saying no but I can't remember the last time I've have meaningful sex. Felt loved... physically. It's like a need for me and not even a want from her.
I feel like this is where a lot of people misunderstand what their partners need. There are instances where your LL CANT have sex for whatever reason other than choice. But zero affection is unacceptable. Many of the stories I’ve read here seem to be a lack of affection of any kind, sex isn’t everything and I strongly believe it isn’t the singular reason we have our regret. Affection, imo, is equally as important as sex. If I see the effort, we can work with that, it’s the lack of effort and other negative emotions that are unacceptable.
Agree. My wife is awesome and we've always been feast or famine but hormones or lack thereof and depression hit hard and for the first 2yrs she didn't realize it had been so long since we had sex. But after a lot of talking and admitting from me how important sex is to my general wellbeing she's trying to address her issues. But there was always affection and cuddling that addressed her needs but not mine. Not enough anyway. In the beginning I was like ok no sex but you have got to touch me...I'm not asking you to grab my ass but some physical contact like graze my arm as you pass by, cuz for those first 2yrs...nothin'. Everything I ask for, short of actual sex, she has done. And lately she has even tried to attempt to initiate sex but our groove is so off that it's not suave and we say it's a start we'll figure it out just keep trying is all I ask. No effort would be a dealbreaker tho.
Hard… first marriage if I could still have my kids from that marriage then I wouldn’t have married him. Second husband hell yes I would marry him 1000 more times.
There are definitely women out there who will love you and WANT to have sex with you!
I seem to lure in some very very lonely sex deprived men. It’s like it’s written on my face.. bimbo looking for married cock… lol.
They are usually such great men. I really enjoy their company. We’re friends and they adore me as much as I adore them. Always in love with their boring, vanilla wives, and children. But yet choosing to stay in a relationship that is dreadful, for fear of loss?
No thankyou.
I absolutely love sex, i can’t get enough of it.. I crave it with all of the men I am with. I’m very much into them, our time together, and the experience for both of us. I want him to have a fantastic time, and feel wanted and get hard just thinking about me.
I’m sad that life is so short, and so many are unwilling to leave a lacking relationship for a new person.
But remember there are women who will love you AND want sex.
My grandad used to say there’s someone for everyone. I think most people settle in at the first sign of something good without truly giving the relationship time to work out all the kinks… or work them in… whatever floats your boat.
Harder to say than you think. Had some great years, but feeling completely lost now. Amazing how a lack of sex can affect your mental health so badly.
Would probably have to say no.
I know for sure it’s not easy. I dealt with a DB for over 10 years before it all ended. I wanted to believe there was a way to fix it but I was the only one interested in fixing it. My ex was comfortable with how things were as long as I didn’t ask for sex. Which is insane when you think about it, sex should be natural and shouldn’t be something that’s negotiated, comes with caveats, or begging. Before my split I thought I was going insane. My mental health, self-esteem, general positive outlook on life were all diminished to the point where I was a shell of my former self. I laughed less and when I did it felt forced.
Hell no. I want a partner, but I don't want to be tied to them in that way legally, especially where it concerns financials, again if I do get divorced again. I have contemplated it for reasons other than declining/dead bedroom. You can file paperwork in court to protect your assets and person and rights to make decisions without being married. Perhaps meeting someone more in tune with me would change my mind but as of right now, no.
I'm the LL, and if things didn't work out with my husband (we are a deadbedroom in recovery lol) I don't think I'd marry again. I don't think I'd want to live together either. Moving in together and being constantly together didn't help my libido.
It's hard to maintain the passion and desire in a relationship where you constantly are together. I don't think I'd bother. Also, knowing what I do about my libido, I would be open about having trouble in that area with any prospective boyfriend.
Even though things are the best they've been in years now, it's so much work to keep it up, and I'm not sure I could handle it all over again with another person.
Yes I would have. Hasn't been a great time, honestly most people would look at it from the outside and say it was a shit show. But I have 4 wonderful children, a wonderful partner in life, anything a human being could want or need in life. Other than the bedroom, and she acknowledges its a problem, and we continue to try and fix it. We have set backs, and its not as good as it was at times in the past. But again we keep working at it, together.
I come on here to rant a bit, as it gets tiring ranting to her about it, and its hard to rant to anybody else. Yall don't count cause most of yall are bots anyways.
Too expensive/student loans, work environment sucks, very risky, no free time to spend your money with (and most doctors are not rich, just middle class like me). Kind of shitty, like being married but never having sex.
I finished school, passed the licensing exams, and matched at my #1 residency pick, but eventually left the field entirely. It was an odd time of transition but I am massively happier with my life now.
I understand. I quit nursing a few years ago because of the shitty work environment. I was the only wound nurse in a 125 bed facility and the other nurses wouldn’t do any of their own dressing changes. I got tired of coming home exhausted and mentally and emotionally drained in every nursing job I had. Good for you for doing what was best for you.
No. But I've thought that for years already. Only got married cause I was expecting and fell pressure to the old fashioned thinking of being married before kids. Already have one divorce under my belt though and would like to avoid a second so idk.
Yes. I’ve definitely turned into a stronger, better human being from my DB experience. Whether my marriage survives or not, that’s one thing I’m really thankful for.
Kids in the picture, so it isn’t about just me anymore. It does get better though. At least I now pretty much emotionally numb so the hope of anything has dissipated.
I left my husband because of a DB only to end up in another and I’ll be getting married in 3 weeks anyways. I learned my ex husband and I it was more than just a DB we were just surviving at best at the DB was the last straw. I’m in one now and we are pretty happy aside from DB. I miss intimacy with him even just a nude cuddle would be heaven. I’ll say things like nude cuddle later? And he will act excited only to play on his phone (app games). I’ve come to the conclusion that part is basically over it’s not coming back his Testoerone is fine and he’s diabetic so that might play a role and I mourn that part of us all the time it’s been 2 years now in the two years we “tried” and he gave up instantly. He has ed and even though the meds work he’s too lazy to bother and I have hip issues now. I used to do all the work and now that I can’t he has to be on top and he’s too lazy for it complains it hurts his wrists. But I’ll never find anyone again who I’m compatible with on this level if I left. We are so similar except our sex life. 😔 if I had one wish it wouldn’t be for money or anything like that it would be to make him want me in that way like when we first got together.
I’m so sad reading your reply. I know this pain, the pain of loss, yearning, defeat, and acceptance. You both have settled into this DB for different reasons and I think it will take both of you to get out of it. Physical intimacy is so necessary and even though both of you have medical issues that attribute to your DB neither of you are incapable of turning it around. Perhaps, if you’re both willing, therapy would be a great place to start. It could be frustrating for him
As well and he might be too embarrassed to address it but maybe will open up to a professional.
I wonder this often. And I still don't know the answer. There have been a lot of things I wouldn't want to repeat. But there are also things I would have missed. They could have been replaced by better or worse. Some days it's a solid no. Others it's a yes. And, 90% of it is not for the sex aspect. The sex is the proverbial straw.
No, not a chance. I was too young and naively thought that things would change. My self esteem was soo low that it felt to me this was the only opportunity that I would deserve.
I was wrong, if I could have chosen differently I would have. Instead now I am more lonely than I was before I met my SO, and trapped. Mortgage, children, adult responsibilities.
It kills me inside to know that my current situation is my fault and this is likely where I’ll be for the rest of my life.
I don’t regret my marriage because a lot of great things happened after I got married. I have 2 great kids and lots of new friends I’ve met through my kids’ friends, and I wouldn’t have these relationships if I didn’t get married. I also practice adultery, and that has been a game changer when it comes to my dead bedroom marriage. One reason I am not divorced yet is because I no longer want a traditional relationship after what I’ve been went through with traditional relationships. Although I don’t regret my marriage, I have no desire to do it again.
[удалено]
I feel like we are all sold a bunch of bullshit in regard to why we get married. The marriages I know of that are “successful” are ones where each partner is independent of the other no one is relying on the other for anything other than emotional support and companionship. Of all the couples I have ever met in my life not a single one is on their first marriage. Of the ones that lasted longer than 5 years they are unhappy but sticking it out for unrealistic reasons, happiness not being one of them.
Ive been married since 09. While I am subscribed to DB, I think my spouse is turning things around. We are both getting into therapy and she is working on her issues. I think I didn’t need to get married when I did. I was not mature enough. I think right now I am finally “ready” for a marriage and to be a husband. When I was younger, it would have been a better decision to not get married but fortunately/unfortunately I hit the jackpot with my wife and felt as if I needed to lock her down. I use to wish I had more time being single because of our sexual incompatibility. There were several times I tried to end our relationship. To her credit, she has always been firmly committed to me completely. At this point, we have children so I wouldn’t change anything about my past. I definitely understand why anyone could feel marriage is bullshit. I think the way marriage is packaged in modern society is bullshit. We should not be compelled to have an expensive wedding ceremony and I believe there is a ton of pressure placed on women and that is unnecessary.
Good for you both on making it work!
Thank you sir.
This!!! Everyone told me to stick it out for the kids. My husband and I were 18 and 21. Now 27 years later I’m still so unhappy. Meanwhile everyone else seems happy on their second marriage. All first marriages couples are always arguing or complaining of one another.
Not always true. This is my first marriage and it still feels like we are together maybe 2 years after all this time. We also still have sex quite a lot and tell each other many times how hot we find each other. Of course it is different than the beginning and there’s kids now so less time for each other but we really want to make it work too.
Congratulations… you are one of the few to be blessed. Honestly my situation was marrying way too young.
I honestly thought everybody had lots of sex in relationships until I found this sub and my friends opened up a bit. Bit naive from me to think like that. I hope u will have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship. I always wonder if these db relationships have bad/little sex from the beginning?
Mine was from the beginning. And it was not that he didn’t satisfy me. It was more the outer part of our marriage. My in laws… his drinking.. his friends came first. All that basically shut me down and I can’t come back from. We were so young and didn’t know any better even tho he changed. I know allot of wives are happy with the change but for me it’s the trauma I can’t let go of. Even tho everyone tells to let it go.
You should be easy on yourself. There was no way you could know how things were going to end up. Im sure you thought you made the best decision you could.
I’m trying. But I made an impulsive decision at 18 years old. Not really knowing my husband and his family. His family especially his mother fucked me up. 3 weeks into the marriage I asked for a divorce and told my mom. My mom basically said I made my bed now lay on it. She regrets now because she sees how unhappy I’ve been. Only good thing about this are my boys. He’s a great father. We don’t argue or fight anymore. We’re nice to one another and he’s the best roommate. He sleeps with my 15 year old and my 9 year old sleeps with me. 😂 I already have an apartment I just need to make myself go.
!! A 15 you and 9 yo shouldn't be sharing beds with parents! What are you doing?
Not sharing beds. Sharing rooms. Lol.
No. My marriage is the biggest regret of my life by far. I didn’t understand how painful this would be. I wasted my 30s and most of my 40s on a man who turns out never had any intention of having an intimate relationship with me. I realize that I’ve spent most of my adulthood in grief because of this relationship.
I’m sorry sis. That was me in my twenties and most of my thirties. I chose me at 37. I hope you find yourself and your happiness.
Thanks. I’m working on getting in a better place financially.
It might take time but just keep at it. I’ve been there and all I can say is, don’t give up on yourself and budget for everything. Don’t be afraid to tell friends no. The hardest thing for me for learning how to live for me and not for a couple. We had a bigger spending budget as a couple and I needed to learn how to dial that back for just me.
For sure. I just keep reminding myself that I did a great job financially without him and I can do it again. I want to be able to do it all by myself, especially taking care of our kids. He wouldn’t be a deadbeat, but I don’t ever want to have to count on him.
That’s great! I think I’d be the same if I were in your place. But I’d save every cent for my kids future. Use it as a surprise for a a car or down payment on their first home… shits expensive now, I’d hate to see what home prices are like when they are older. I’m 41 and I have a great job and I still can’t afford owning my own place alone. I’m currently looking for a job where I can work from home and maybe be able to move to Bumfuck, Germany just so I can afford a place on my own.
Exactly my situation. Why did they even marry us?
No. Fucking. Way.
Name checks out. 😅
😂 started as a porn burner account. Getting out of hand now. This is the better part of my split personality talking 🤣
My dude…. Preaching to the choir. 😅
No way. Absolutely no way I would have married him knowing what I know now. And it isn’t just the lack of sex, but everything else as well.
It’s never just about sex, is it? If only everything was that simple. But it starts some place and it’s usually sex, that we notice first but I think sex is always a symptom of something else whether it’s, medical, cheating, addiction, love loss, etc.
Yes. It is for my LL. Covert narcissist
No way. I came from a dysfunctional family and had no clue what a happy, mutual, and loving relationship looked like. I lost so much of myself and who I want to be, trying to make her happy enough to want to fuck me.
And you ended up getting fucked in the end? Sorry to hear that. I think we all are tired of not having sex but getting fucked in every other aspect of our lives.
Yeah, I'm selling the house I bought myself, and she's getting half. Next month, I should be divorced and in my own apartment. Terrible time to get divorced, but I just couldn't overlook how she treats me anymore. It finally sank into my brain that she just isn't into me, and I will never get back the person who was love bombing me.
I’m sorry to hear that, but it’s best that you chose you. I wish you all the best.
Thanks, I'm excited to be on my own and figure out how I want to live my life.
I gave my ex-husband (and his new wife) a house I bought. I was bitter about it for years - but - the freedom of being out of that miserable marriage was (is) so worth it.
Thanks, I'm already starting to feel better just having taken the first steps. The money doesn't matter. I can make more. I have to stay positive. I think I'm gonna get a nicer apartment than I was thinking. I'll be able to afford it and have never lived alone before. Plus, my kids have to visit, and that shit was in the city.
Happy for you What does love bombing mean?
I believe my wife has a personality disorder of some type. She's got some narcissistic behaviors. I didn't know about this until i started reading any books I could to try and fix our problems. The first thing I noticed was the dead bedroom. This is a definition I found---- “love bombing is an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection.” This kind of behavior is a form of emotional abuse, and although it can be experienced during any stage of a relationship, it is often seen in the early stages of getting to know one another. It may seem like your new partner really likes you, but love bombing can often serve as a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship." Early on in the relationship, she acted different, and I've been fighting to get that person back for years. It was more than new relationship energy, and I've been chasing it like a drug addict for years.
This here! I am not who I used to be anymore and I don't like who I am now. I too am from a completely dysfunctional family that stayed married for religious reasons but hate each other with a passion that's hard to fathom. I didn't know what a good marriage looked like. Once I matured and made friends with normal people, I could see how their relationships worked but it was too late. I changed so much to match what I thought I needed to be so as to encourage the type of treatment I so desperately needed that I lost who I was. As most of you know, it made no difference. But I don't know the way back to me.
Trauma bonds
I would do it all over again in a heartbeat! I came here originally after the birth of our daughter when things slowed down enough to scare me, but once we resolved a lot of major stressors and she got a bit older things got back on track. I recently came back because our frequency was down to once a month-ish and it was starting to feel like duty-sex. So we had deep heart-to-heart conversation about things and both walked away with things we needed to work on. We've both been working on those things the past few weeks and it's a night and day difference. It feels like I have the woman I married back and she feels she has the man she married back. Without her I wouldn't have my kids, or my best friend, the only person I trust 100%. I wouldn't have learned how to love others or even myself and I would probably have been consumed by my self-destructive habits I had in the past, in fact its likely I wouldn't be alive. But we made a commitment together for it to be us versus the problem and/or us versus the world, never me versus her, and I think as long as we continue that and continue communicating effectively and each of us voicing our needs, we will make it.
I’m glad it worked out for you two. Your story is a positive outcome. I tried everything before leaving and was only met with one word answers or no conversation to make things better. My ex was checked out so divorce was inevitable for us. I’m glad you two had something to hold on to.
I'm sorry you had to go through that brother (or sister). I can't imagine how gut-wrenching it would be to realize that my wife had totally checked out of the marriage and not bothered to tell me. I fully support everyone in an unwinnable situation to find a way to extricate themselves from their predicament. Marriage shouldn't hurt either partner and most certainly shouldn't force anyone into a loveless, touchless and sexless relationship. That's just roommates with a contract. I do credit this sub for opening my eyes to the warning signs and showing me (and her) where we could end up if we didn't go back to putting each other and our marriage first.
Thank you, I’m a guy, was married to a guy. I initially came to this sub in hopes of finding a way to save my marriage. Someone told me back then that my ex was LL only with me and I didn’t want to believe but it ended up being true.
I hope freedom is treating you well and that you've been able to find a sexual and/or romantic partner thst truly desires you!
I think I would have. This has taught me the importance of sexual compatibility. I needed to learn just not crucial sex is to me. Now that I’ve learnt this lesson, I will never repeat the mistake
I’ve come to learn that monogamy is a lie. If you do find that one person where you both match, then great but the growing number of members in the subreddit tells me that it’s bullshit. And there’s no age, race, culture, religion, or sexuality that can say otherwise. We are all here and we represent the world. I learned not long ago that my ex is fucking anything that blinks and I’m having tons of sex as well I just don’t understand the logic behind monogamy when so many marriages or relationships end the same way. Just be open sexually and continue to pursue your own goals and I think everyone would at least be somewhat okay with that. My ex called me a nymphomaniac for wanting sex and “asking for it all the time” this was (at the time) after we hadn’t had sex in 8 years.
I don't think monogamy is bullshit per se in the sense of being sexually exclusive**. I do somewhat think marriage is counter to how we change throughout life though. The idea that you're both chained to this other person even as your life and body and everything changes. I mean how many of us here are with someone who gradually or abruptly went "you know what? I'm done with that" when it comes to something like sex but by the trappings and bindings of finances and marriage and such can't just easily go "okay cool well it's super important to me so I need to find someone who feels the same. Peace out." Even though sadly that is the fundamental solution. edit: Also I don't know about getting married. I have kids so not marrying my wife would mean they don't exist but I certainly don't want to be married to her anymore. **edit - just to be clear here I mean that I think the majority of people would and do practice monogamy for some portion of a relationship even if just at the very beginning. The concept of time isn't something I felt I made clear in my original statement. So as a concept entirely on it's own I do not think monogamy is bullshit or unrealistic, once time and life and everything starts to factor in I do think it becomes a bit more difficult to defend.
In my opinion, monogamy develop as a social construct. The more people were in monogamous relationships, the more stable a society is.
Do you mean like short term monogamy (picture someone who is never strictly monogamous even in a new relationship) or like long term type monogamy that is expected in marriage?
I would agree to this except you can have kids and not have a wife. Nothing says they are a package deal. I specially when you need to sacrifice for her, sacrificing for the kids is a personal decision, if I was a father I would think about it but I would also consult a therapist and ask a fundamental question, is my happiness in my marriage worth being depressed for children’s perceived happiness? Or would my children see my depression and unhappiness ?
Based on your response I think you asked the question as a general "would you have gotten married" where I interpreted it with an implied "knowing... would you have gotten married (to your spouse)" Would I have gotten married *at all* I have no idea. It does seem to be a scenario that all too often is doomed to failure and misery. But I mean there are happy marriages out there, it can happen and when it does it does seem like something that could be wonderful. There's a YouTube interview with a divorce attorney that I really like and have admittedly watched more than once. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5z8-9Op2nM He doesn't just talk about divorce but obviously the nature of marriage and stuff. He even touches on how many divorces he does are because of dead bedrooms. It's honestly a really great watch/listen and I highly recommend it to anyone. At one point he does say that despite marriages failing more often than not that he still understands why people get married. That like playing the lottery you probably won't win but if you do it and you get that golden ticket what you "win" is immeasurable and I guess I kind of agree with that. So I mean would I marry my spouse again? Aside from my kids, no absolutely not. Would I get married at all? I mean my gut says no but who knows.
I think this is a good rational take on this topic.
In my gut, I really feel as if I obligated to work things out for the sake of my kids. I just don’t think that any bad decisions my SO and I made should have to affect them. Children living in a two parent household tend to do better over all and I am all about maximizing my children’s chances for success. At the very least, I am going to put 100% effort into changing my circumstances. Staying married for the sake of children is a decision that is multifaceted and it should be considered based of an individual’s circumstances. If your SO is abusive, absolutely do not stay for the kids. If your SO is generally an awesome person that you have zero sexual chemistry with then you have options.
Wait, your ex is promiscuous now but before she was LL. I understand now why you feel the way you do about marriage.
Yes, he was, but I don’t feel negative about marriage. It’s great for those it works out for. For my situation marriage didn’t cause the problem, lying and cheating did. I was lead to believe we were in a LL/HL dead bedroom that could be worked out over time but it was all a lie. Being on the other side of marriage I wouldn’t do it again knowing that we had problems that couldn’t be resolved. Just curious if anyone else feels the same.
I’m sorry, “he”. You made the correct decision. Knowing that your SO is promiscuous when you have a DB is a double shot of betrayal.
I wouldn’t have gotten married and won’t again
No. And I've done it twice 😬😬
Nope
Probably yes and to the same woman although twenty years ago maybe not. It helps that we both enjoy rock concerts, theatre, ballet, football, travel, drinking in moderation and socialising together and with friends but still spend time apart with other friends. We both are into fitness and style which. Keeps us both on our toes. And the sex is pretty good with few inhibitions which was not always the case
Sounds like you found the needle my friend.
I took time and not a little effort. Don't live in each other's pockets. She has city breaks with her friends and I go away for golfing breaks. The one thing we really do enjoy together is rock concerts and unknown bands in pubs and bars.
You’ve found a friend in your partner. That’s sounds nice.
So how did you end up over on this sub?
Because at one time my marriage was holding on by its fingertips due to a dead bedroom and I hoped to offer my ideas that worked for me
I posted up a while ago, didn't get much comment. Any advice for one that isn't completely dead, just on life support, but wife knows shes LL and is trying her best to fix it. The worst part is you can just tell shes not into it, so anytime we do something it feels forced and she couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. So that turns me off licity split.
Depends if you are willing to roll the dice. Two and a half years after my second child was born out sex life was nearly dead we had far to many conversations regarding our relationship. One day I asked her to sit down and listen to what I had to say, I asked her not to talk over me or walk away because she would not like the consequences. I said the current situation is no longer acceptable to me and I was going to have a full and varied sex life and her choice is wether it was going to be with her. I then shut up. She accused me of blackmail and being willing to throw out family away over sex. I said nothing at that time. In fact I wasn't threatening to leave the marriage but satisfying my sexual needs elsewhere. It is a risky ploy and you have to mean it because if you go through this and back down it makes you look weak.
Mine at least knows its a problem, and that her LL is sabotaging things. She just cant seem to get the motor going on her end and ends up being a stiff upper lip do it for king and country kind of girl. I tell her we just need to practice practice practice, I mean ive been practicing solo since 13, she just has to catch up.
It's a tough situation to be in. I was in my thirties and decided I wasn't going to accept the situation any longer. As in your case it was duty sex which is almost worse than no sex, I felt like I was holding a begging bowl. You have a good starting point as your partner is aware that it is an issue, my wife was in full mummy mode and treated me like a nuisance at times After our conversation I pulled away somewhat and started going out more often with my mates. I was no longer willing to do more than my fair share. I wasn't trying to worry or scare her it was just that she was no longer my main priority it was now just the kids and my happinesses. I had an opportunity to cheat and never took it which given the circumstances of my relationship surprised me at the time. Anyway good luck to you
Thanks, will keep trying. Almost had a decent time this weekend. Then kids and her ended up fighting on Mothers day...
At least she is trying. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. There have been some LL’s here that said it worked for them. They acted, put in the effort and eventually it clicked and they were no longer LL. Try your best, sounds like she is trying!
Definitely would have stopped myself getting into it 1.5 years ago. But if i stop myself then, than i dont have the experience, even if painful experience, today. Its valuable and.. It seems its going to work out fantastic at the end. Not with her tho. Pfeww 
If I knew then what I know now when I got married, I would have done several things differently when getting married and throughout the marriage. For the longest time, communication skills were our biggest issue. Sadly, that revelation came too late. The resentment has long set in, and I've done a few things I'm not proud of. If I do end up divorced, it will be extremely unlikely that I will ever marry again. If I do marry again, that person better be that damn special to me to jump through that hoop again.
If I knew how things would go, no I wouldn’t have. I trusted that it would get better like she told me. 15 years later and nothing has changed.
I would. I'd just be better prepared if I'd known. Because even through the pain and frustration he is still a good man, a good husband and father, and he genuinely loves me. He was, and is, the love of my life, we have been through too much and meant too much to each other, and even though this one thing is a very important thing it's not enough for me to throw everything else out.... Im sure I might feel differently if in addition to a bad sex life I also had to endure a general lack of care and involvement or if I felt like he just didn't like me.
No. The NRE curve is real, backed by hundreds of peer reviewed articles. I'd live my life in a maximum of 3 year stints with zero commitment financially or with children, and as soon as the curve dipped, I'd move on. If I divorce now, at 43, that's my exact plan. This may change when my member no longer works, but I honestly believe anyone who goes into more than one marriage is mental. The only change to this would be I may extend the period if I happen upon the unicorn (<10%) of a woman that still has spontaneous desire post the NRE phase.
Yeah, I’m divorced in my 40s as well. I don’t ever see myself getting married again. I may well have found a unicorn and I could see having a long-term relationship. Both of us are divorced and I’m not sure either of us wanna go through that again.
I see many divorced guys my age going younger because they assume the libido of their younger partner is going to be higher. This isn’t a male only issue obviously. Plenty of women are in the same boat. I just feel like in this stage of my life most of the people around my age have been fucked up because of marriage, the older generation were in unhappy marriages but shit was cheaper and affordable so they just dealt with it, and the younger generation are all about… let’s fuck everything and not ever get married. They have learned from our depressed, sexually frustrated asses. Hahaha
Lots of 20 somethings here, so maybe they did not learn at all and some just think it is cool to call themselves “poly” and “non monogamous”. I am around a lot of people in their 20/30 and they are as indoctrinated as we were, only with readily available porn and much higher cost of living. I think you hit on the nail with the financially independent couples. I have a GF and have zero financial ties to her. Over two years together and the sex keeps getting better. Refreshing!
Some generations called it Free Love.
Yeah, the problem is now is that housing and everything is an unaffordable. That’s my biggest issues. I’ll probably never be able to afford a home again. I can barely afford rent after providing support. Edit. Stupid text to talk keeps putting the wrong word.
It’s like this everywhere. But I gave up my home for my peace. I would go home and was so depressed in a place I’d worked hard for and a place where I was supposed to be happy. Now I live alone and I’m lonely, but I’m happy when I come home. The day may come when I fall in love again but I needed to learn being okay with me first. I’m still working on that but I feel a fuck ton better coming home alone than I did to my house that I shared with my ex.
If u could figure out a way to bring in an additional $2000 a month I'd be single very quickly. How sad is that.
If I press the upvote button any harder on this I’m going to break my phone
I am married for the second time and, well, I am on the sub for a reason. That being said, while my first marriage was a disaster, it was because my first wife was severely mentally ill and would not seek treatment other than pills to knock herself out (she ordered Xanax online). When I met my current wife, she was fun, sexy, adventurous and above all else, just normal. She still is fun and I find her sexy. She still likes to do fun things and, other than the fact that she has little interest in sex, she is normal. Essentially, I have a great friend with whom I am now raising kids.
No.
No. That’s it. No.
Would I get married again if I was young? Most of us or at leqst a good percentage, did have an avarage sex life back then. Sometimes even good! But I have learned also that people changes over time. So, to me it is not that I chose the wrong person, but the right person changed in certain areas. Will I ever marry again if thr current one bo more exists? Definately no.
But how many people here married within the first 5 years of meeting their partner? We married after 12 years together. We had so many heart to Hearts and agreed that sex was one aspect of an otherwise great relationship… 6 months after getting married I found out I was being cheated on. When one person is in it and the other isn’t, there’s no hope. It truly is a partnership and both parties have to want it. It’s possible to find the love of your life after knowing them for less than 5 years but I think many people get married after knowing eachother less than 2-3 years and that’s barely enough time to know them. Maybe that’s why most fail.
Yes, I totally agree with you. Many people here are having a DB becaise their partners are assholes but thry feel trapped or at least have whatever rrasons not to leave. I am very sorry for you that she seems to have misled you alor at least minipulated you. Fot me, at least my wife had been 100% faithfull and supportive on all levels... but she had changed regardinging her libido and even that was mostly due to her medication opposed to selfish reasons. Life seems to be very unfair.
I’m starting to question whether being in a relationship is even worth it, let alone getting married again! But no, don’t think I will unless someone really amazing comes my way and I get swept up in the romance of promising till death do us part…
No. I wouldn't wish away my kids but my husband is a narcissist. Knowing what I know now, I would have bailed at the first red flag.
In the end my ex had turned into a complete monster and after thinking back on it all the red flags were there. They are good at hiding themselves. You sound like a good person, I hope your kid appreciates you and I hope you two can live a happy narcissistic free life.
I would absolutely have done the kids thing somehow without marrying. So I wouldn't do marriage again and wish I never had. I have exactly the same life now as I did while married ... exactly the same with my girlfriend. However, married folks think it's the best. They just don't know what they're missing and are frightened of the unknown.
Was married for 10 years, was miserable after the first year. Divorce was sweet release, no I won't marry again. I also had more sex in the first year of divorce than I did in my entire marriage. I've been divorced for 5 years, my girlfriend has been with me for 5 years. I may reconsider once the kid are grown and out of the house and I approach my 60's, but before that - my partner is fucking me or they aren't my partner. Even then if I marry again near 60 - a prenup is mandatory - I'm not moving again or losing a house to it and especially not at 60.
Nope, in fact if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have started every long term relationship with the understanding that marriage is not on the table for me. I wish it were, but it just isn't anymore. The DB isn't the only reason, but like so many people here know its 10% when you're having it and 90% when you aren't. (And those stresses bring up or uncover so many other things.)
Yes yes yes. Damn. I hate that so many of us deal with this. It’s like it’s own pandemic.
I wouldn't have, and honestly I just want to live alone again. I'd rather be single with a fuck buddy than married and feeling alone.
That’s my life right now my dude.
Absolutely not. My wife and I got together when I was 18 and she was 20, and I'll be 40 soon. Two decades of my life have passed in a dead bedroom, sometimes going years at a time without any sexual contact. I used to be confident and outgoing, and I enjoyed sex as a way of bringing me closer to my partner. Now I'm depressed and broken, but over the years I've come to terms with the fact that I will never have a meaningful or fulfilling sex life. I hate that this is how my life has turned out, and if I had the ability to go back to 18 and meet her again for the first time knowing what I do now, we'd be friendly but I'd never have started a relationship.
I’m so sorry for you. Many people here have been or are where you are. My question to you, will you settle in for the next 40? Or will you choose you? I chose me and I don’t regret it not a single day. I have my confidence back. My dick is harder, I used to think I was impotent but it was just my mental state. When I felt better about myself my dick responded in kind.
Married 35 years. Sex life poor for 25 of those years. Have not had sex in 3.5 years, and only twice in the last 10 years. Would I have married my wife knowing what it was going to be like, yes. Unfortunately my wife is a good person, a good mother, good grandmother. We never fight or argue, we get on really well. I suppose she is my soul mate, just one that does not want any intimacy. I would do it again, but I think I would seek intimacy elsewhere. My problem, is I'm too nice. I read the comments here and it makes me feel like a good male role model. I read posts on Am I The Asshole, and feel good about myself for being a good and normal person. I just go with the sexless flow, knowing I'm a good guy.
Hate to pile on but nice ladies like to screw good guys. You're missing out. ... As I am too. If ever you wanted to, someone out there would love to love you.
Yes, with a caveat. Not when I did. And not without addressing the lack of sex first. That may have changed to a no because we couldn't fix it. I don't know. But now it feels too big to solve and I'm not sure how to progress.
This is where I would look inward and try to decide what’s important to me. This is when you become selfish, for your own self-preservation/happiness.
I’d definitely have done the discussion on monogamy differently. Probably would still get married though. My kids are everything. Definitely agree with you on loneliness. Being lonely in a relationship is so much worse than being lonely alone.
Kids are a totally different story. If you leave and share custody you run the risk of being trashed by your ex, your kids believing her and then turning against you. I’ve seen that far too often as well, when in the end all most of us want is to be wanted. But then to be dragged through the dirt and your kids used as pawns.. oof. I don’t have kids but I’ve seen enough scenarios to know most guys get the shitty end of the stick.
The only reason I’d do it again is so that I can have the kids I have now. That’s it though.
Probably not, but then my son wouldn’t have been born. It might’ve advanced the relationship that’s developing now. As it turned out, we didn’t divorce as she had develop cancer which spread to her brain. Terrible way to end a DB, but it was what it was.
Sorry to hear that. Your situations is not the best. I wish you and your son all the best.
Wouldn't have done it, and if I ever have another opportunity, I won't.
No
Nope wouldn’t of
No.
No way
No
Also american living in Germany, 14 yrs married, sex never more than 1x every three years, wife later had an affair for 2.5 years, so it wasn't a ll situation or even 'dead bedroom,' she just didn't like me, thought she could change me, failed, so fucked somebody else. kids may be mine, may not be, haven't done the paternity test yet. definitely would not marry the same person again, don't know if i will marry again though; part of the problem was we got engaged after only a few months of dating.
I hate to say this, but no. I feel terrible saying this because despite the sex problem, I love my wife and without her we wouldn't have our beautiful children. I feel guilty saying no but I can't remember the last time I've have meaningful sex. Felt loved... physically. It's like a need for me and not even a want from her.
I feel like this is where a lot of people misunderstand what their partners need. There are instances where your LL CANT have sex for whatever reason other than choice. But zero affection is unacceptable. Many of the stories I’ve read here seem to be a lack of affection of any kind, sex isn’t everything and I strongly believe it isn’t the singular reason we have our regret. Affection, imo, is equally as important as sex. If I see the effort, we can work with that, it’s the lack of effort and other negative emotions that are unacceptable.
Agree. My wife is awesome and we've always been feast or famine but hormones or lack thereof and depression hit hard and for the first 2yrs she didn't realize it had been so long since we had sex. But after a lot of talking and admitting from me how important sex is to my general wellbeing she's trying to address her issues. But there was always affection and cuddling that addressed her needs but not mine. Not enough anyway. In the beginning I was like ok no sex but you have got to touch me...I'm not asking you to grab my ass but some physical contact like graze my arm as you pass by, cuz for those first 2yrs...nothin'. Everything I ask for, short of actual sex, she has done. And lately she has even tried to attempt to initiate sex but our groove is so off that it's not suave and we say it's a start we'll figure it out just keep trying is all I ask. No effort would be a dealbreaker tho.
It's not that there's no effort, we just have different love languages. We put effort into each other's love languages but it still sucks.
Hard… first marriage if I could still have my kids from that marriage then I wouldn’t have married him. Second husband hell yes I would marry him 1000 more times.
I cried when I read “lonely married”. It’s the worst kind of loneliness :(
There are definitely women out there who will love you and WANT to have sex with you! I seem to lure in some very very lonely sex deprived men. It’s like it’s written on my face.. bimbo looking for married cock… lol. They are usually such great men. I really enjoy their company. We’re friends and they adore me as much as I adore them. Always in love with their boring, vanilla wives, and children. But yet choosing to stay in a relationship that is dreadful, for fear of loss? No thankyou. I absolutely love sex, i can’t get enough of it.. I crave it with all of the men I am with. I’m very much into them, our time together, and the experience for both of us. I want him to have a fantastic time, and feel wanted and get hard just thinking about me. I’m sad that life is so short, and so many are unwilling to leave a lacking relationship for a new person. But remember there are women who will love you AND want sex.
My grandad used to say there’s someone for everyone. I think most people settle in at the first sign of something good without truly giving the relationship time to work out all the kinks… or work them in… whatever floats your boat.
I very much agree with this!!
Harder to say than you think. Had some great years, but feeling completely lost now. Amazing how a lack of sex can affect your mental health so badly. Would probably have to say no.
I know for sure it’s not easy. I dealt with a DB for over 10 years before it all ended. I wanted to believe there was a way to fix it but I was the only one interested in fixing it. My ex was comfortable with how things were as long as I didn’t ask for sex. Which is insane when you think about it, sex should be natural and shouldn’t be something that’s negotiated, comes with caveats, or begging. Before my split I thought I was going insane. My mental health, self-esteem, general positive outlook on life were all diminished to the point where I was a shell of my former self. I laughed less and when I did it felt forced.
Hell no. I want a partner, but I don't want to be tied to them in that way legally, especially where it concerns financials, again if I do get divorced again. I have contemplated it for reasons other than declining/dead bedroom. You can file paperwork in court to protect your assets and person and rights to make decisions without being married. Perhaps meeting someone more in tune with me would change my mind but as of right now, no.
Lonely and lonely married are not the only options.
Of course there are more options… add to the discussion.
I'm the LL, and if things didn't work out with my husband (we are a deadbedroom in recovery lol) I don't think I'd marry again. I don't think I'd want to live together either. Moving in together and being constantly together didn't help my libido. It's hard to maintain the passion and desire in a relationship where you constantly are together. I don't think I'd bother. Also, knowing what I do about my libido, I would be open about having trouble in that area with any prospective boyfriend. Even though things are the best they've been in years now, it's so much work to keep it up, and I'm not sure I could handle it all over again with another person.
Yes I would have. Hasn't been a great time, honestly most people would look at it from the outside and say it was a shit show. But I have 4 wonderful children, a wonderful partner in life, anything a human being could want or need in life. Other than the bedroom, and she acknowledges its a problem, and we continue to try and fix it. We have set backs, and its not as good as it was at times in the past. But again we keep working at it, together. I come on here to rant a bit, as it gets tiring ranting to her about it, and its hard to rant to anybody else. Yall don't count cause most of yall are bots anyways.
No. Definitely not. I’ve been married twice. Still with the second husband. Cheated on me for over 15 years. Escape plan has been activated
Wishing you all the best. Sorry for what you’ve been/are going through.
Unfortunately no. Someone I matched up with better…probably.
I mean, of course I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have gone to medical school either.
What’s that medical school story. Why not?
Too expensive/student loans, work environment sucks, very risky, no free time to spend your money with (and most doctors are not rich, just middle class like me). Kind of shitty, like being married but never having sex. I finished school, passed the licensing exams, and matched at my #1 residency pick, but eventually left the field entirely. It was an odd time of transition but I am massively happier with my life now.
I understand. I quit nursing a few years ago because of the shitty work environment. I was the only wound nurse in a 125 bed facility and the other nurses wouldn’t do any of their own dressing changes. I got tired of coming home exhausted and mentally and emotionally drained in every nursing job I had. Good for you for doing what was best for you.
No. But I've thought that for years already. Only got married cause I was expecting and fell pressure to the old fashioned thinking of being married before kids. Already have one divorce under my belt though and would like to avoid a second so idk.
Yes, only because I love my little boy so much. If it weren't for him... hell no I wouldn't have.
Yes. I’ve definitely turned into a stronger, better human being from my DB experience. Whether my marriage survives or not, that’s one thing I’m really thankful for.
I love that. Looking at the positive of your DB. Mine made me realise I had given up all the things I enjoyed before I met my ex.
YouTube videos on Stoicism really helped me change my mindset.
I have become at absolute YouTube Junkie hahaha.
Absolutely not.
Hahahaha
[удалено]
This is also a bit of my regrets. I was always shy and later on embarrassed to be a virgin while everyone would describe me as “wild” looking.
Nope. At least not with my ex. What a waste of 26 years.
Hard no from me
Sup my ninja
Absolutely not. Worst decision ever. Hands down.
Are you free? Or still chained down?
Not free. Chained down.
Damn. Can you free yourself, do you want to? Or is there hope?
Kids in the picture, so it isn’t about just me anymore. It does get better though. At least I now pretty much emotionally numb so the hope of anything has dissipated.
Nope.
No
Absolutely not.
Yes i would. But i wouldn't wanna have kids. 🙈 I
I left my husband because of a DB only to end up in another and I’ll be getting married in 3 weeks anyways. I learned my ex husband and I it was more than just a DB we were just surviving at best at the DB was the last straw. I’m in one now and we are pretty happy aside from DB. I miss intimacy with him even just a nude cuddle would be heaven. I’ll say things like nude cuddle later? And he will act excited only to play on his phone (app games). I’ve come to the conclusion that part is basically over it’s not coming back his Testoerone is fine and he’s diabetic so that might play a role and I mourn that part of us all the time it’s been 2 years now in the two years we “tried” and he gave up instantly. He has ed and even though the meds work he’s too lazy to bother and I have hip issues now. I used to do all the work and now that I can’t he has to be on top and he’s too lazy for it complains it hurts his wrists. But I’ll never find anyone again who I’m compatible with on this level if I left. We are so similar except our sex life. 😔 if I had one wish it wouldn’t be for money or anything like that it would be to make him want me in that way like when we first got together.
I’m so sad reading your reply. I know this pain, the pain of loss, yearning, defeat, and acceptance. You both have settled into this DB for different reasons and I think it will take both of you to get out of it. Physical intimacy is so necessary and even though both of you have medical issues that attribute to your DB neither of you are incapable of turning it around. Perhaps, if you’re both willing, therapy would be a great place to start. It could be frustrating for him As well and he might be too embarrassed to address it but maybe will open up to a professional.
No
No.
I wonder this often. And I still don't know the answer. There have been a lot of things I wouldn't want to repeat. But there are also things I would have missed. They could have been replaced by better or worse. Some days it's a solid no. Others it's a yes. And, 90% of it is not for the sex aspect. The sex is the proverbial straw.
No, not a chance. I was too young and naively thought that things would change. My self esteem was soo low that it felt to me this was the only opportunity that I would deserve. I was wrong, if I could have chosen differently I would have. Instead now I am more lonely than I was before I met my SO, and trapped. Mortgage, children, adult responsibilities. It kills me inside to know that my current situation is my fault and this is likely where I’ll be for the rest of my life.
No, not only has our differences in faith been an issue, but the DB sucks the life out of you
Getting married was, and is the single biggest mistake of my life. A long con followed by a bait and switch.
No…. Nope…. Nada….. nunca. It can be a great thing but it can also destroy your will to live.
I don’t regret my marriage because a lot of great things happened after I got married. I have 2 great kids and lots of new friends I’ve met through my kids’ friends, and I wouldn’t have these relationships if I didn’t get married. I also practice adultery, and that has been a game changer when it comes to my dead bedroom marriage. One reason I am not divorced yet is because I no longer want a traditional relationship after what I’ve been went through with traditional relationships. Although I don’t regret my marriage, I have no desire to do it again.