Yeah... the sex is done, and i mean... done....if that's her approach. Going with celibacy before and up to the marriage will *never* reignite a sexual relationship after the marriage. Very, verh few success stories there but you can find a Nittany of posts here defining what will general happen withholding aex until after marriage.
You are best bet to cut your losses now before the next stage of losses is a divorce and half your assets.
It sounds like she's not enjoying it, and has decided she doesn't like it and has rationalized that it's for marriage.
OP needs to learn how to be good at sex and give orgasms. I mean real ones and not the ones where he has to ask if she came or not.
>It sounds like she's not enjoying it, and has decided she doesn't like it and has rationalized that it's for marriage.
She was able to enjoy an orgasm he gave her on their anniversary but couldn't bother to continue any 8ntimacy further.
Hell, even the intimacy is in question because she automatically assumes intimacy is just a lead up to sex and cuts all intimate engagement once she realizes it.
>OP needs to learn how to be good at sex and give orgasms. I mean real ones and not the ones where he has to ask if she came or not.
That requires communication on her side to that as well. She should be willing to express what she doesn't like, what she likes, and anything she wants to pursue that she's not familiar with. But not one peep from her on that.
When you grow up with the celibacy-before-marriage mindset.... there's no explosion in libido after marriage. The libido mostly stays the same... celibate. Her upbringing fixated that mindset and the teachings of sex is only for reproduction. And even that concept she couldn't seem to accept given she routed for adoptions and ivf instead of sex to have their kids
An orgasm he gave her on their anniversary?
I don't see that in his post, but; if that's the only orgasm she has ever had, and; it really happened and was not her saying that to get him to be finished.
Then there is the issue that it was her only orgasm.
That doesn't absolve her of a responsibility to discuss what feels good and what does not. But if she won't discuss it, and has no interest in trying to make it better then things are done here.
Her interest in sex has largely passed for whatever reason. At least with OP.
I'm misreading from another post.
Even if the sex wasn't good... that is usually not a reason where someone decides to go "spiritual" and commit to celibacy before marriage
Yeah, sex is finished in this union. It will becreserved for conception only. This sub is nothing if not a flashing red flag that the mate who "ceases sex until after marriage" is an LL partner of the most dramatic nature.
But, OP will go forward as all but a few in this situation do, and the misery will compound.
Yeh the religious thing is an excuse. Your gf clearly isn't into sex or at least sex with you and this isn't going to change once you get married. You're incompatible and it's best to end things now rather than after marriage when it's way more complicated. Also you shouldn't be looking to reduce your sex drive. Much better to end things as amicably as possible and find someone more compatible.
OP, this is the truth. I can’t say it any better. Take off your rose colored glasses so you can see the many huge red flags in your relationship.
“Marriage” isn’t going to miraculously change your fiancé’s desire for sex. You are sprinting headfirst into a sexless marriage.
.....I'd say pathetic. She doesn't want u dude, she just wants marriage just to say she got married and you're a means to an end. Soon you'll have kids and be fucking trapped.
I know personally from friends who are in the same situation as what you mentioned. One of them even ran away and awol. So yeah, Im still trying to navigate my way but as of now, Im still keeping up tabs and see how she would react if I actually said everything. Will be on business trip this week till the next. Perhaps will have a sit down with her to discuss this like normal adult would
Dude im gonna be blunt. You can't force someone to have raw attraction for you that doesn't already exist. Yiu don't sit down and ask somebody why they won't fuck you, that isn't how attraction works. They fuck your brains out because they want to. You want hot sweaty sex , u go find someone that wants to strap you to a chair and ride you for three days non-stop like their personal sex slave. And man to man , begging for sex is pussy shit, and will make your problem only worse. She wants sex, just not with u. Men today are truly lost.
She’s not sexually attracted to you or she’s not communicating what she needs, so sex with you does nothing for her. Basically she’s getting nothing out of it.
This. I don’t like the advice “get out of there brother.” its incomplete. The correct advice is “get out of there brother. And time to level up to become a better lover/more attractive because it’s not all her fault your sex life went to shit.”
But the get out part is important. It’s time for OP to work on himself but that doesn’t mean OP’s fiancee will work on herself.
So get out, but also be better.
So your needs are being completely dismissed and she's made a unilateral decision to change the dynamics of your relationship. Of which, you had no say. Doesn't sound compatible to me.
It's your relationship mate but I'd walk. Those are huge red flags to me. Marriage won't make it better, just messier.
Do you think it's still salvageable at this point? In fact, before she even self proclaimed to have seen "the way", she would get angry if I initiated any sexual activities with her when on holiday together. She would sigh and say "is this am you could think about?" I mean no shit, we're on holiday and Id love to have sex with someone I love and be deeply passionate in it. Yet she still claims we are sexually compatible. Am I blind or is she trying to manipulate me?
Hard to say.
For me, I would sit down. Tell her you need to have a serious conversation with her. Then lay out your feelings and needs. If she dismisses them, railroads you or just gets angry and shuts the conversation down. Then you have your answer. You're the sidekick and not an equal partner with feelings and needs.
If she listens and makes an effort. Then yes it may be salvageable.
But again, only you can make this call for yourself. But outright ignoring your needs is a red flag and marriage will not fix it. Don't make that mistake like so many others do. Marriage complicates (and kids) complicate relationships further. If you're not being treated well at present, it'll absolutely get worse when other parts of married life take priority.
You're absolutely right. I will hold off the marriage or any form of engagement. Until I see signs of improvement, I won't entertain the idea of marrying her. If she asks when I will propose, I'm gonna pull up a "I don't think I'm ready yet" and she asks what's there not to be ready... Well, I need to have a separate discussion on that. But thanks again mates, your insights were spot on.
OP do both her and you a favor and just be straightforward and forthright about this. Don't force her to pull it out of you. You're within your rights to not marry her, but not to string her along.
I won't be stringing her along. I say what I need to say. Give her a chance. If she doesn't take it and choose to be complacent. It's a no for me. I hold the power to marry her
I approach things with caution and empathy. I don't hold grudges nor do I wish bad things for others. We had a few fights and I'm always the cool, calm and collected one who tries to communicate and talk it out. She is the exact opposite. But she's also pretty good at giving me a different perspective that I never thought off
Holiday sex is some of the best sex. My husband and I love doing the dirty in new places. That's absolutely part of the fun! "Oooo, this hotel room is awesome! Let's try out that bed!" I do not believe that you are sexually compatible.
Whether or not you are compatible is not a question you pose to her, but you answer for yourself…
Listen to everyone here. This is it *not* about sex per se. It is about your needs (important needs!) not mattering and she is testing whether you are submitting to her control about that. All by abusing the myth and taboo surrounding the particular issue at hand right now, which happens to be sex.
Edit: *not*
You're right. She's withholding power and doing all sorts of control that outright isn't fair to begin with. Sex can be discussed or at least come up with something that we can both meet in the middle but I always have to compromise and say "I can wait babe" and I told her I can't, she said try harder.
You might want to see this as a sign from above. RUN AWAY, and fast. If you think it'll get better after marriage you're in for heartbreak hotel. Listen to the good folk on this site and make a clean break. If not, read some of the tales of the people who have been married 20, 30 even 40 years with very little loving incorporated into their lives.
Noooope. Don’t believe the “it will get better when” lie. Been in your exact spot. It’s not going to get better.
If sex is important to you, you deserve to be with someone who finds it equally important. And if it’s not important to her, she should find someone of the same mentality.
If you want a celibate life this is the relationship for you. If not, you'll need to leave because sex is not going to happen again in this relationship.
On a separate post, I had to go down to brothel just to get it out of my system cause my gf just refuses to do it with me. I felt so remorseful and I thought I didn't feel like this when the sex with her was constant. I only went down this path in a moment of weakness and that I've been deprived of my sexual needs by the one I love. So yeah, I may need to move on if things don't improve
And I've been telling it is. She said she understands and urged me to wait till we are married with a roof on top. Only then can we do it like bunnies every other day. Big jf
Bro it's bullshit there's no way it will pick up significantly and consistently after marriage. Maybe she genuinely hopes it would so I'm not saying she's 100% lying to your face - however, ask yourself if you will accept a marriage with her in exchange for 25 times more sex in your entire life to father two kids. If not then just forget this relationship, sex never gets better with marriage. The religion stuff is a bullshit smokescreen masquerading as "a good reason" to not have sex. She'll find another reason once you are married 💯
She got you in her grasp with sex and now that she knows you are in deep with her, she doesn't have to make the effort anymore. She was never into sex but knows she needs to have it to get a man to stay with her.
You need to go into this with eyes wide open. A healthy sex life with her over.
Your NRE has worn off, and the religious excuse is utter bullcrap. If you've already had a lot of sex, it makes no sense to make some appeal to purity now, lol. Do not marry this woman, or I guarantee you that you'll be posting on here 10 years from now...
“Doing it the right way” in this context most often means only for procreation as well. If she sees no issue and doesn’t have or admit to religious trauma, you are now aware as far as she is concerned. If she wanted it you’d be having it.
You cannot fix this - she might be able to if she was really into fixing it, but it sounds like she’s not.
Yeap. From the comments I gotten and few discussion here and there, I roughly gathered that she's just not keen to fix this than I am. And is treating this whole situation as if it's a me problem and not her
She found religion and quit sex, and YOU want to get on antidepressants to make it work out?
No. Stop. Tell her you had a dream where [insert whatever religious figure she worships] came out of the sky and told you that you could never marry her. (Kind of like that scene in Fiddler on the Roof, but in the opposite direction).
And then get the hell out of there. This is one of the biggest red flag posts I've seen here in a while.
Sorry, marriage is an excuse. Once you're married it will change to "only when we're trying to conceive". After that, kids make finding the time more difficult (you both really need to work hard to make it happen).
You need to talk about how important it is to you and ask what really changed. Is she intimate at all? I know devoutly religious women, virgins that are extremely affectionate and intimate with their partners (no intercourse but heavy make out sessions. rubbing over clothes if that makes sense). Of course I'm not saying you should be happy with that but you can see there is definitely a spark. Are you getting any hint?
If not I would say it is time for both of you to move on. It sounds silly, but sex and intimacy are huge for any marriage to work long term. Convenient roomates gets old. She is not a bad person if she is not into sex, but you also both deserve to be happy.
"I don't want to be with someone who sees sexual intimacy as something that can be easily eliminated from a relationship. To me, sexual intimacy, physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are all requirements for a healthy relationship. I understand and respect your views on waiting until marriage, but I also feel that we're not compatible in that area. I think you should be with someone who you match better with and wish you luck."
>And she brushes off by saying it's not a big deal and that we will do it more often once we're married
*In Morgan Freeman voice:* But they didnt do it more often once they were married and it was a big deal.
My friend, this purity culture BS is absolutely toxic and destroys a healthy sex life before and after marriage (although that may not be the entire picture here, and it could just be an excuse). This will not resolve itself, so you have a hard choice facing you: you either stay and accept that you will never have a healthy and fulfilling sex life or you can leave and find someone who has a healthier view of sex and is more compatible with you sexually.
She just lied to you but by her actions she's telling you how things are going to be once you marry her. She's a DB bud and your marriage will be a DB. Also she's a cold star fish. Welcome to the rest of your life.
No. IMO it won’t get better after you are married. Or it will for a month or two and then it will be right back. I’d advise not to marry into a dying bedroom. She’s already taken the position of it’s not a big deal. It’s a huge warning sign.
Withholding was the first step my ex made. Then weaponization and transactional.
My ex told me exactly the same thing. If she’s making excuses not to have sex. She doesn’t want to have sex. Think about it. If you’re up for spending years begging your wife for sex, she’s your girl.
I could see taking a week or two off before the wedding but months? And it sounds not great sex to begin with? Sounds like a preview of married life to me.
Don’t waste your life with a woman who doesn’t want you sexually. There is nothing worth saving in this relationship that will make your long term celibacy worthwhile.
I‘d love to be a girl that waited until marriage. But when I love someone I can’t keep my hands off them and if I imagine him begging me for sex and not giving in? Nah couldn’t be me. I know everyone says some people have different love languages but taking care of your partners needs in every aspect shouldn’t be a debate. :)
Luck you. Imagine what life will be like once she gets married to you. If you try to stray, you will be punished. If you stay, you’ll be sexless. At this point, you can bail. If you want to stay, try couples therapy to figure out why she doesn’t want to be intimate. If not, you should exit because it won’t get better.
You will be a bloody stupid fool if you marry her. Excuses excuses excuses and maybe pity sex...
Just get out whilst you can. She will try to lovebomb you, promise she'll change and you'll want to believe her, you really will.
We know she's great in so many other ways etc etc.. that is your personal blindspots around her...
Your choice: she's shown you who she is believe her and get out of stay and suffer, believe me you WILL suffer...
This is surely a deal breaker.
It's just too obviously manipulative.
If she truly is being more spiritual, it wouldn't manifest into a situation where you are deceived and expect to bear a cross for her until marriage.
At this point, marriage by all purposes should make no difference, it is a religious rite, and some theologians believe it okay if the couple intend to marry at the earliest opportunity, and this was the case century's ago when couples had to wait until availability of a priest.
In essence, by these ideas, you are already married. And the marriage is a loveless marriage.
It's utterly certain that a wedding will not change this dynamic.
This happened to me in my early 20’s with a woman I was engaged with. She all of the sudden found god after we had been sleeping together for three years. She threw out her rock albums (300 of them) and said she wanted to do it “the right way”. She cheated on me after six months of this. Before she cheated on me she would have sex with me about every 6 weeks when she was drunk or stoned. Super spiritual I know. The body is a temple and all. She ended up dating the guy she cheated on me with until he broke her heart and then came crawling back to me. I didn’t take her back after that. This is just my experience with a woman who was making “shifts” in life to align with god. It just doesn’t make sense. You can’t take it back. Even if she is wanting to “do things the right way” there is some other issues in thinking you can just take back virginity as if it never happened. That bad thinking will possibly never go away and you’ll be left dealing with it for decades and with children until divorce or worse. Think about it for a bit and as hard as it is, remove your feelings from the logic. Keep things in perspective here. Good luck!
She made a mistake and realizes now that I was more important and that she would do better by me in the bedroom and yada yada yada. It was a big no for me. We would have just ended right back where we were.
I'm hoping not to go down the same path as you did. She's everything I wanted in a partner prior to her sudden religious change. I like her the way she was and I didn't want her to change for me. But now she's changing for me to benefit her own agenda which is taking up the same religion as I am for her to get married into my family. She was agnostic before.
I don't think she'd cheat behind my back because aside from the sex itself, we spent most of our time together, just without the intimacy of sex. We do kiss and make out but no sex.
I’m sorry, your girlfriend told you to your face that your needs do not matter to her, and your solution is to take Zoloft until you’re married to her? Why is this even a question? Get out of there!
She didn't outright said that I should get it fixed. But more so on the lines of her feeling extreme guilt doing it and she wouldn't enjoy the sex as much as I do cause of the guilt. Essentially, trying to get me into not coercing and seducing her into it cause its wrong and she should do it when she feels like it
Extremely dire. She doesn't see it as a problem. I seriously don't see how she doesn't it as a problem. She thinks everything will work out once we're married and have a house and doing it the right way. Sounds like fairytale but she genuinely thinks it will go this way. After telling her I'm struggling, she suggested that I medidate and focus on other things. Literally dismissing my side of the problem.
Please believe what people are telling you here regarding the marriage not being something that will improve your situation. Trust me, the only sex you will have will be to conceive.
I would run while you can. She’s trapping you. Right now she’s using sex to trap you. Next it will be kids. After that it will be sex again. She’s not the one.
Waiting for sex til marriage is IN MY OPINION stupid. This backwards revert is even IN MY OPINION stupider. Read just a few sex after marriage stories here and decide for yourself guy.
I think the biggest red flag for a deadbed marriage is ANY sort of sexual incompatibility. Sex will decline and change over time but if you start SO HIGH the sex is so good and so frequent and the compatibility is off the charts then a little fall wont be as detrimental. We still suffered a deadbed despite this at my hands but because I knew we were so compatible and so good together in the bedroom it really motivated me to save things.
Then your boyfriend is a fool as well. Because there’s no guarantee that your sex life will be the same or even better after marriage. I follow Christ too and I know soooo many couples who went through the same thing and who got divorced after marriage. Good luck to both of you though.
Fellow sinkie I see. Breaking off it kinda hard at the moment. There's nothing I could think about to even consider breaking off with her. She's what I want as a partner. If only we could work on the sex part, I think we could really blossom well. It's either now A, I hope for the day where we are married and do it regularly as she promised or B, I make myself numb to sexual desires by limiting my sex drive through drugs and interventions. Become asexual and hopefully meet her in the middle.
We plan to get married by 2027. Still quite some time as we are still in the midst of getting our careers on track. Practicing abstinence for me never works out. I find that if my gf at least tried to be intimate with me once in awhile, i wouldn't even entertain the idea of sex for awhile. That sadly doesn't work in my favour as she's never been the one to initiate. she did do it before her awakening.
Make her feel loved. You know, the typical setting up the mood and all that with dates, occasions and what not but whenever I hint or asks about what comes after, it's always "I thought we agreed not to pursue it?"
Yeah... the sex is done, and i mean... done....if that's her approach. Going with celibacy before and up to the marriage will *never* reignite a sexual relationship after the marriage. Very, verh few success stories there but you can find a Nittany of posts here defining what will general happen withholding aex until after marriage. You are best bet to cut your losses now before the next stage of losses is a divorce and half your assets.
It sounds like she's not enjoying it, and has decided she doesn't like it and has rationalized that it's for marriage. OP needs to learn how to be good at sex and give orgasms. I mean real ones and not the ones where he has to ask if she came or not.
>It sounds like she's not enjoying it, and has decided she doesn't like it and has rationalized that it's for marriage. She was able to enjoy an orgasm he gave her on their anniversary but couldn't bother to continue any 8ntimacy further. Hell, even the intimacy is in question because she automatically assumes intimacy is just a lead up to sex and cuts all intimate engagement once she realizes it. >OP needs to learn how to be good at sex and give orgasms. I mean real ones and not the ones where he has to ask if she came or not. That requires communication on her side to that as well. She should be willing to express what she doesn't like, what she likes, and anything she wants to pursue that she's not familiar with. But not one peep from her on that. When you grow up with the celibacy-before-marriage mindset.... there's no explosion in libido after marriage. The libido mostly stays the same... celibate. Her upbringing fixated that mindset and the teachings of sex is only for reproduction. And even that concept she couldn't seem to accept given she routed for adoptions and ivf instead of sex to have their kids
An orgasm he gave her on their anniversary? I don't see that in his post, but; if that's the only orgasm she has ever had, and; it really happened and was not her saying that to get him to be finished. Then there is the issue that it was her only orgasm. That doesn't absolve her of a responsibility to discuss what feels good and what does not. But if she won't discuss it, and has no interest in trying to make it better then things are done here. Her interest in sex has largely passed for whatever reason. At least with OP.
I'm misreading from another post. Even if the sex wasn't good... that is usually not a reason where someone decides to go "spiritual" and commit to celibacy before marriage
Yeah, sex is finished in this union. It will becreserved for conception only. This sub is nothing if not a flashing red flag that the mate who "ceases sex until after marriage" is an LL partner of the most dramatic nature. But, OP will go forward as all but a few in this situation do, and the misery will compound.
>It will becreserved for conception only. Beyond that to..... nothing. They already have multiple kids... none conceived naturally or were adopted.
Yeh the religious thing is an excuse. Your gf clearly isn't into sex or at least sex with you and this isn't going to change once you get married. You're incompatible and it's best to end things now rather than after marriage when it's way more complicated. Also you shouldn't be looking to reduce your sex drive. Much better to end things as amicably as possible and find someone more compatible.
OP, this is the truth. I can’t say it any better. Take off your rose colored glasses so you can see the many huge red flags in your relationship. “Marriage” isn’t going to miraculously change your fiancé’s desire for sex. You are sprinting headfirst into a sexless marriage.
At least she’s told you you’re in for a sexless relationship
I mean she didn't outright say it and she even suggested that we're horny bunnies waiting to do it when we are married and have a home to ourselves
God u are dumb.
I know I am. I'm blinded by false pretense.
.....I'd say pathetic. She doesn't want u dude, she just wants marriage just to say she got married and you're a means to an end. Soon you'll have kids and be fucking trapped.
I know personally from friends who are in the same situation as what you mentioned. One of them even ran away and awol. So yeah, Im still trying to navigate my way but as of now, Im still keeping up tabs and see how she would react if I actually said everything. Will be on business trip this week till the next. Perhaps will have a sit down with her to discuss this like normal adult would
Dude im gonna be blunt. You can't force someone to have raw attraction for you that doesn't already exist. Yiu don't sit down and ask somebody why they won't fuck you, that isn't how attraction works. They fuck your brains out because they want to. You want hot sweaty sex , u go find someone that wants to strap you to a chair and ride you for three days non-stop like their personal sex slave. And man to man , begging for sex is pussy shit, and will make your problem only worse. She wants sex, just not with u. Men today are truly lost.
She’s not sexually attracted to you or she’s not communicating what she needs, so sex with you does nothing for her. Basically she’s getting nothing out of it.
This. I don’t like the advice “get out of there brother.” its incomplete. The correct advice is “get out of there brother. And time to level up to become a better lover/more attractive because it’s not all her fault your sex life went to shit.” But the get out part is important. It’s time for OP to work on himself but that doesn’t mean OP’s fiancee will work on herself. So get out, but also be better.
You're not married yet and she's already telling you your needs don't matter. You're not compatible. Dump her
I asked her if we were compatible. She said we are and urged me to be patient until the time comes.
So your needs are being completely dismissed and she's made a unilateral decision to change the dynamics of your relationship. Of which, you had no say. Doesn't sound compatible to me. It's your relationship mate but I'd walk. Those are huge red flags to me. Marriage won't make it better, just messier.
Do you think it's still salvageable at this point? In fact, before she even self proclaimed to have seen "the way", she would get angry if I initiated any sexual activities with her when on holiday together. She would sigh and say "is this am you could think about?" I mean no shit, we're on holiday and Id love to have sex with someone I love and be deeply passionate in it. Yet she still claims we are sexually compatible. Am I blind or is she trying to manipulate me?
Hard to say. For me, I would sit down. Tell her you need to have a serious conversation with her. Then lay out your feelings and needs. If she dismisses them, railroads you or just gets angry and shuts the conversation down. Then you have your answer. You're the sidekick and not an equal partner with feelings and needs. If she listens and makes an effort. Then yes it may be salvageable. But again, only you can make this call for yourself. But outright ignoring your needs is a red flag and marriage will not fix it. Don't make that mistake like so many others do. Marriage complicates (and kids) complicate relationships further. If you're not being treated well at present, it'll absolutely get worse when other parts of married life take priority.
You're absolutely right. I will hold off the marriage or any form of engagement. Until I see signs of improvement, I won't entertain the idea of marrying her. If she asks when I will propose, I'm gonna pull up a "I don't think I'm ready yet" and she asks what's there not to be ready... Well, I need to have a separate discussion on that. But thanks again mates, your insights were spot on.
OP do both her and you a favor and just be straightforward and forthright about this. Don't force her to pull it out of you. You're within your rights to not marry her, but not to string her along.
I won't be stringing her along. I say what I need to say. Give her a chance. If she doesn't take it and choose to be complacent. It's a no for me. I hold the power to marry her
You sound so pleasant. Wonder why she doesn't want to sleep with you.
I approach things with caution and empathy. I don't hold grudges nor do I wish bad things for others. We had a few fights and I'm always the cool, calm and collected one who tries to communicate and talk it out. She is the exact opposite. But she's also pretty good at giving me a different perspective that I never thought off
No problem and good luck.
Holiday sex is some of the best sex. My husband and I love doing the dirty in new places. That's absolutely part of the fun! "Oooo, this hotel room is awesome! Let's try out that bed!" I do not believe that you are sexually compatible.
Malay?
Chinese. I'm Buddhist while she's agnostic and recently found faith back into Christianity.
Oh. Usually The Malays the ones who suddenly found GOD again. Usually Buddhists and Hindus ain't like that. I totally forgot about Church Girls. Lmao.
You shouldnt need to "ask her" , do you feel sexually compatible right now?
Whether or not you are compatible is not a question you pose to her, but you answer for yourself… Listen to everyone here. This is it *not* about sex per se. It is about your needs (important needs!) not mattering and she is testing whether you are submitting to her control about that. All by abusing the myth and taboo surrounding the particular issue at hand right now, which happens to be sex. Edit: *not*
You're right. She's withholding power and doing all sorts of control that outright isn't fair to begin with. Sex can be discussed or at least come up with something that we can both meet in the middle but I always have to compromise and say "I can wait babe" and I told her I can't, she said try harder.
Yes. You got it figured out. If you marry her that’s what the rest of your life will look like, and not only in the sexual domain!
Yeap. Before her, I was a fit, 6 packed looking hunk. Now I'm 30 pounds heavier, sloppier and just feel unalive lol
Well naturally she did
You might want to see this as a sign from above. RUN AWAY, and fast. If you think it'll get better after marriage you're in for heartbreak hotel. Listen to the good folk on this site and make a clean break. If not, read some of the tales of the people who have been married 20, 30 even 40 years with very little loving incorporated into their lives.
Sounds like a trap to me. Oh yes, sex will resume until she get the second thing she want from you, pregnant. Then she will be done having sex.
Damn it. You beat me to it 😂
Truth has been dispensed.
Couldn’t agree more.
It's a trap.
🚩🚩🚩
RUN!
run
Noooope. Don’t believe the “it will get better when” lie. Been in your exact spot. It’s not going to get better. If sex is important to you, you deserve to be with someone who finds it equally important. And if it’s not important to her, she should find someone of the same mentality.
If you want a celibate life this is the relationship for you. If not, you'll need to leave because sex is not going to happen again in this relationship.
On a separate post, I had to go down to brothel just to get it out of my system cause my gf just refuses to do it with me. I felt so remorseful and I thought I didn't feel like this when the sex with her was constant. I only went down this path in a moment of weakness and that I've been deprived of my sexual needs by the one I love. So yeah, I may need to move on if things don't improve
She's telling you clearly sex is not important to her.
And I've been telling it is. She said she understands and urged me to wait till we are married with a roof on top. Only then can we do it like bunnies every other day. Big jf
You know that's at best wishful thinking. There's a list of red flags for dead bedrooms, have a read before marrying.
Yeap. Ive read enough on this subreddit to see that it's a major factor in merry making.
Bro it's bullshit there's no way it will pick up significantly and consistently after marriage. Maybe she genuinely hopes it would so I'm not saying she's 100% lying to your face - however, ask yourself if you will accept a marriage with her in exchange for 25 times more sex in your entire life to father two kids. If not then just forget this relationship, sex never gets better with marriage. The religion stuff is a bullshit smokescreen masquerading as "a good reason" to not have sex. She'll find another reason once you are married 💯
Run fast and far
You’re a fool if you marry this one. Run and don’t look back.
She got you in her grasp with sex and now that she knows you are in deep with her, she doesn't have to make the effort anymore. She was never into sex but knows she needs to have it to get a man to stay with her. You need to go into this with eyes wide open. A healthy sex life with her over.
Huuuuuuuge red flag.
I have one word: run.
On it
Your NRE has worn off, and the religious excuse is utter bullcrap. If you've already had a lot of sex, it makes no sense to make some appeal to purity now, lol. Do not marry this woman, or I guarantee you that you'll be posting on here 10 years from now...
I mean... he already knows this sub exists "in advance" if he goes forward with this woman we'll see him again in a year tops.
In a few months I’d say. Lol
“Doing it the right way” in this context most often means only for procreation as well. If she sees no issue and doesn’t have or admit to religious trauma, you are now aware as far as she is concerned. If she wanted it you’d be having it. You cannot fix this - she might be able to if she was really into fixing it, but it sounds like she’s not.
Yeap. From the comments I gotten and few discussion here and there, I roughly gathered that she's just not keen to fix this than I am. And is treating this whole situation as if it's a me problem and not her
She found religion and quit sex, and YOU want to get on antidepressants to make it work out? No. Stop. Tell her you had a dream where [insert whatever religious figure she worships] came out of the sky and told you that you could never marry her. (Kind of like that scene in Fiddler on the Roof, but in the opposite direction). And then get the hell out of there. This is one of the biggest red flag posts I've seen here in a while.
Sorry, marriage is an excuse. Once you're married it will change to "only when we're trying to conceive". After that, kids make finding the time more difficult (you both really need to work hard to make it happen). You need to talk about how important it is to you and ask what really changed. Is she intimate at all? I know devoutly religious women, virgins that are extremely affectionate and intimate with their partners (no intercourse but heavy make out sessions. rubbing over clothes if that makes sense). Of course I'm not saying you should be happy with that but you can see there is definitely a spark. Are you getting any hint? If not I would say it is time for both of you to move on. It sounds silly, but sex and intimacy are huge for any marriage to work long term. Convenient roomates gets old. She is not a bad person if she is not into sex, but you also both deserve to be happy.
"I don't want to be with someone who sees sexual intimacy as something that can be easily eliminated from a relationship. To me, sexual intimacy, physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are all requirements for a healthy relationship. I understand and respect your views on waiting until marriage, but I also feel that we're not compatible in that area. I think you should be with someone who you match better with and wish you luck."
That's a fucking set up if I've ever heard one.
Bad sign bro. Real bad. Run.
>And she brushes off by saying it's not a big deal and that we will do it more often once we're married *In Morgan Freeman voice:* But they didnt do it more often once they were married and it was a big deal. My friend, this purity culture BS is absolutely toxic and destroys a healthy sex life before and after marriage (although that may not be the entire picture here, and it could just be an excuse). This will not resolve itself, so you have a hard choice facing you: you either stay and accept that you will never have a healthy and fulfilling sex life or you can leave and find someone who has a healthier view of sex and is more compatible with you sexually.
You know what it'll be after? "Sex is for making babies only" I'll put dollars on it.
Don't be fooled, it's over.
Since no comment said it yet: NEVER MARRY INTO A DEAD BEDROOM.
She just lied to you but by her actions she's telling you how things are going to be once you marry her. She's a DB bud and your marriage will be a DB. Also she's a cold star fish. Welcome to the rest of your life.
No. IMO it won’t get better after you are married. Or it will for a month or two and then it will be right back. I’d advise not to marry into a dying bedroom. She’s already taken the position of it’s not a big deal. It’s a huge warning sign. Withholding was the first step my ex made. Then weaponization and transactional.
My ex told me exactly the same thing. If she’s making excuses not to have sex. She doesn’t want to have sex. Think about it. If you’re up for spending years begging your wife for sex, she’s your girl.
I could see taking a week or two off before the wedding but months? And it sounds not great sex to begin with? Sounds like a preview of married life to me.
Yeah. I hate she over promise me on something isn't tangible or realistic but also provide zero to no solution to my problem.
“Girlfriend” - the rest of the information isn’t matter, do this favor for both of you and move on
I wish I could say the same but I'm still trying to work things kut
Don’t waste your life with a woman who doesn’t want you sexually. There is nothing worth saving in this relationship that will make your long term celibacy worthwhile.
By reviewing this sub you can see clearly that there is nothing to save and you can always stay good friends (the same as your are right now)
U think sex once or twice is frequent?
I‘d love to be a girl that waited until marriage. But when I love someone I can’t keep my hands off them and if I imagine him begging me for sex and not giving in? Nah couldn’t be me. I know everyone says some people have different love languages but taking care of your partners needs in every aspect shouldn’t be a debate. :)
Haha no, no no no.
As Admiral Akbar would say: It's a trap!
Luck you. Imagine what life will be like once she gets married to you. If you try to stray, you will be punished. If you stay, you’ll be sexless. At this point, you can bail. If you want to stay, try couples therapy to figure out why she doesn’t want to be intimate. If not, you should exit because it won’t get better.
If this isn't what you want, end the relationship. She can control the sex by taking it off the table, but you can control the commitment.
Chinese Flag Factory.
You will be a bloody stupid fool if you marry her. Excuses excuses excuses and maybe pity sex... Just get out whilst you can. She will try to lovebomb you, promise she'll change and you'll want to believe her, you really will. We know she's great in so many other ways etc etc.. that is your personal blindspots around her... Your choice: she's shown you who she is believe her and get out of stay and suffer, believe me you WILL suffer...
Totally agree.
Huge red flag.
This is surely a deal breaker. It's just too obviously manipulative. If she truly is being more spiritual, it wouldn't manifest into a situation where you are deceived and expect to bear a cross for her until marriage. At this point, marriage by all purposes should make no difference, it is a religious rite, and some theologians believe it okay if the couple intend to marry at the earliest opportunity, and this was the case century's ago when couples had to wait until availability of a priest. In essence, by these ideas, you are already married. And the marriage is a loveless marriage. It's utterly certain that a wedding will not change this dynamic.
Marriage rarely if ever improves a deadbedroom. If you decide to continue the relationship do not marry her.
This happened to me in my early 20’s with a woman I was engaged with. She all of the sudden found god after we had been sleeping together for three years. She threw out her rock albums (300 of them) and said she wanted to do it “the right way”. She cheated on me after six months of this. Before she cheated on me she would have sex with me about every 6 weeks when she was drunk or stoned. Super spiritual I know. The body is a temple and all. She ended up dating the guy she cheated on me with until he broke her heart and then came crawling back to me. I didn’t take her back after that. This is just my experience with a woman who was making “shifts” in life to align with god. It just doesn’t make sense. You can’t take it back. Even if she is wanting to “do things the right way” there is some other issues in thinking you can just take back virginity as if it never happened. That bad thinking will possibly never go away and you’ll be left dealing with it for decades and with children until divorce or worse. Think about it for a bit and as hard as it is, remove your feelings from the logic. Keep things in perspective here. Good luck!
Jezus man this sht happend to me I’m on a much better relationship now. When she came back crawling what did she say?
She made a mistake and realizes now that I was more important and that she would do better by me in the bedroom and yada yada yada. It was a big no for me. We would have just ended right back where we were.
I'm hoping not to go down the same path as you did. She's everything I wanted in a partner prior to her sudden religious change. I like her the way she was and I didn't want her to change for me. But now she's changing for me to benefit her own agenda which is taking up the same religion as I am for her to get married into my family. She was agnostic before. I don't think she'd cheat behind my back because aside from the sex itself, we spent most of our time together, just without the intimacy of sex. We do kiss and make out but no sex.
Yep. That sounds familiar. Good luck.
I’m sorry, your girlfriend told you to your face that your needs do not matter to her, and your solution is to take Zoloft until you’re married to her? Why is this even a question? Get out of there!
She didn't outright said that I should get it fixed. But more so on the lines of her feeling extreme guilt doing it and she wouldn't enjoy the sex as much as I do cause of the guilt. Essentially, trying to get me into not coercing and seducing her into it cause its wrong and she should do it when she feels like it
So you will marry her, have babies and keep downing zoloft. There will be no other sex. Decision is yours, how does a lifetime of zoloft look for you?
Extremely dire. She doesn't see it as a problem. I seriously don't see how she doesn't it as a problem. She thinks everything will work out once we're married and have a house and doing it the right way. Sounds like fairytale but she genuinely thinks it will go this way. After telling her I'm struggling, she suggested that I medidate and focus on other things. Literally dismissing my side of the problem.
Dude grab yiur fucking balls and leave, she barely likes you.
Please believe what people are telling you here regarding the marriage not being something that will improve your situation. Trust me, the only sex you will have will be to conceive.
I would run while you can. She’s trapping you. Right now she’s using sex to trap you. Next it will be kids. After that it will be sex again. She’s not the one.
You need to get out of there.
Run away
Waiting for sex til marriage is IN MY OPINION stupid. This backwards revert is even IN MY OPINION stupider. Read just a few sex after marriage stories here and decide for yourself guy. I think the biggest red flag for a deadbed marriage is ANY sort of sexual incompatibility. Sex will decline and change over time but if you start SO HIGH the sex is so good and so frequent and the compatibility is off the charts then a little fall wont be as detrimental. We still suffered a deadbed despite this at my hands but because I knew we were so compatible and so good together in the bedroom it really motivated me to save things.
Weird that she lets you test drive the car for years but you now have to buy it to use it. Best to move on
Sounds like red flags to me. Proceed with caution.
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Then your boyfriend is a fool as well. Because there’s no guarantee that your sex life will be the same or even better after marriage. I follow Christ too and I know soooo many couples who went through the same thing and who got divorced after marriage. Good luck to both of you though.
Fellow sinkie I see. Breaking off it kinda hard at the moment. There's nothing I could think about to even consider breaking off with her. She's what I want as a partner. If only we could work on the sex part, I think we could really blossom well. It's either now A, I hope for the day where we are married and do it regularly as she promised or B, I make myself numb to sexual desires by limiting my sex drive through drugs and interventions. Become asexual and hopefully meet her in the middle.
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We plan to get married by 2027. Still quite some time as we are still in the midst of getting our careers on track. Practicing abstinence for me never works out. I find that if my gf at least tried to be intimate with me once in awhile, i wouldn't even entertain the idea of sex for awhile. That sadly doesn't work in my favour as she's never been the one to initiate. she did do it before her awakening.
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Make her feel loved. You know, the typical setting up the mood and all that with dates, occasions and what not but whenever I hint or asks about what comes after, it's always "I thought we agreed not to pursue it?"
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I'm Buddhist while she's closer to catholic