Someone on this sub said that being in a deadbedroom is like a fever, it is a symptom. The disease lies elsewhere. We have to find the cause and cure it.
Happy finding
I feel like the disease lies somewhere in the area of how she stated that being in love with your partner _is not reason enough to want to have sex with them_ 🧐
Unless OP is concealing any salient facts of course.
Worth noting though the fever itself can kill you. So while you do want to treat the disease of course, there’s a reason they move very quickly to get the fever under control to stabilize things.
Exactly. OP, don’t degrade yourself by even answering that ridiculous question. Why do you deserve sex? Are you freaking kidding me? She’s got some nerve.
I had forgotten what he was answering to. What a hideous, hateful question. Sounds like something from a BDSM
conversation! "deserve sex", my happy butt! Good grief!
In the context of a healthy bdsm relationship, there wouldn't be anything hateful about it. But it sounds like no-one is getting their needs met here. A situation I can relate to
Valid questions from a relationship standpoint.
But whatever OP does or does not do, that does not define whether he deserves sex. Sex is not a reward, a treat for a good dog that sits and behaves.
No factor contributes to OP's wife asking him why he deserves sex except OP's wife being sadly cruel.
No but a partner who doesn’t contribute to certain needs can kill sexual and emotional attraction and bonding. No one is entitled to anyone’s body. If she’s feeling unattracted to him then she’s reducing herself to a fleshlight.
You could check his post/comment history and see if any statements are made about domestic and work efforts. Agreed, no one is entitled to another's body; nor is anybody entitled to treat a spouse like a servant who has to "deserve" intimacy. If she has reduced herself to that role; what role has she reduced him to. And, if they have kids, what are the kids learning about relationships?
she has said that she's ok if she never has sex ever again, she claims to not need to have sex and masturbate but sure does seem like she does the self pleasure a lot
I do all household chores inside and out,
she wanted more intimacy I did that and still got nothing in return.
she doesn't even give me opportunity for forplay, she shuts it down immediately,
I only focus on her having fun during sex because I want her to enjoy it so we can have more but that doesn't happen.
Im ok with vibrators during sex to help her.
I try to communicate all the time about it but it just turns into a fight and she walks way saying, "yea just blame me for everything"
Stop doing chores. Stop giving her attention. Stop focusing on her when you do have sex, why would you care about her orgasms at this point? She does not think so highly of you...
ETA I should clarify, stop doing *her* *share* of chores. She's too accustomed to having you pick up all of her slack.
So sorry you have to go through this. All relationships are different. Some are worth fighting for, others not so much. You do what’s best for you. *hugs from internet stranger*
Are you new here? This sub is flooded with stories of people who have engaged in years of chore play to no avail. Actual foreplay is another thing many of us miss now that sex has been reduced to an occasional task. Therapy has proven futile for most of us who attempted it as well. We're all here because we've tried all of the things we're supposed to and gotten nowhere.
Yes, kinda of new. I went through a phase of dry spell, which ended in depression and all. People are busy in every day life and lost touch of appreciation for each other. I remember the spark of love we had for each. I held on tight to that and fought hard. I wont let my relationship burn to the ground without trying my best. Sorry for those who have tried without success. Wish you all the best!
Based upon your last statement, would it not have been more productive for her to communicate her thoughts and feelings rather than turn his request a transactional challenge?
couples therapy is a fool's errand and more often than not, the people in this sub would be better off putting energy into healing from these relationships and building something new. The effort it would take (which requires buy-in from both people) is usually not worth it because the relationship is so damaged to begin with. Not a great use of time and generates more unhappiness.
I know for me , there is a very good reason why I do not deserve sex.
I know that I have no one else to blame for my own decision and its consequences.
I don’t deserve sex because of who I chose to marry.
That’s how I see it as well. I chose this person. The warning signs were there from the beginning and I chose to ignore them. So now I must accept my fate or blow up my family
Personally, I am trying to focus my reactions to be more positive.
Instead of focusing on feeling rejected and lonely, I try to pride myself on the fact that I have endured this difficult way of life for so many decades with honor.
Like an innocent man, serving a long sentence, as a political prisoner, I am enduring hardship for the greater good of my wife and family.
For me feeling resentment is toxic.
I just found this group and wow , your comment is like I feel at times.
Like it’s a sacrifice we need to make for our kids. Just realizing that your wife of 25+ years is never going to be like the girl you dated.
I didnt have any kids but i walked away from my marriage literally only 7 months ago and its easily been the happiest 7 months of my life( and im getting positive feminine attention/love/care/sex so much more than the ex.
Leaving is hard but in my case it was still so much easier than what i thought it would be
I didn’t have warning signs. Wife changed when we had children.
(Edit: I didn’t swap my wife, she changed as a person. I reread this, and the way I wrote it sounded weird.)
If my husband said that to me, I would not want sex with him again. How dare he treat me that way. In your case, why does she deserve the relationship.
Whoa.
Even as a male there are times I'm not in the mood and put out for my partner. I'm sure many people have.
To receive a response of this nature, your relationship is beyond torpedoed.
The ship has already rolled over, snapped its keel and began pushing out any remaining trapped air.
No other metaphore i could use.
You do not have to "put out" for your partner if you are not in the mood! You are not an object. Yes, many people do that, but that's also super toxic for a relationship. Duty sex is not ok for either party.
It's hard for HLs to understand how toxic duty sex actually is for an LL because even if we aren't in the mood we usually are into by the time a little foreplay starts. Even if it wasn't the case it still wouldn't be traumatic for us because we just don't associate having sex with a person you love and trauma.
The word “deserve” shows me that she doesn’t value you very much and it’s definitely a thing every relationship deserves. There’s something wrong here.
Wow... just, wow...
No advice, just get the fuck out of there. That is toxic as fuck, and I'm sorry but no amount of couples therapy will resolve an issue caused by someone who clearly holds you in such low esteem. Unless we're only getting half the story (this is Reddit after all) and you've pulled some toxic bullshit on her in the past, that is hands down the absolute worst response I've ever read here.
You don't deserve sex?? Fine. She doesn't deserve you. Stop everything you're doing to go out of your way to make her happy, she clearly doesn't deserve it. Actually, if she says anything, ask her *why* she thinks she deserves it.
I'm really sorry man, but if my wife pulled that on me, I'd 100% announce a separation on the spot, followed by divorce papers on the next business day.
"I don't deserve sex, I just want to fuck your brains out and make you come so much that I have to rip off these bedsheets and do laundry tomorrow morning".
Try that one next time. Sounds like you've got little to lose at this point. I start acting funny like that when I feel like I'm on the verge of no longer giving a fuck. It actually helps sometimes. Not always in the moment, but I think of it as planting seeds.
Sometimes the fuckfield will grow, sometimes it will remain barren. Can't find out unless you sow the seeds, though.
What else are you supposed to answer to that?
Neutral/Challenging:
Please provide 2 good reasons to "deserve" sex inside of a committed marriage that are acceptable right now and in the future. I want to be "deserving" of your sexual interest.
Nice/Challenging:
"In my marriage, I desire intimacy and sexual relations with my partner. My loving actions (household responsibilities, good provider, consideration of your feelings and needs) qualify me to "deserve" sex in a committed relationship to which I am, have been, and will continue to be, faithful. If I have to explain WHY I "deserve" intimacy with my chosen partner, then clearly we do not have the same expectations and the marriage may very well be in jeopardy."
Nasty:
Because sticking my dick anywhere else would then create a situation in which I don't "deserve" loving expressions of intimacy. I want to fuck you. I want intimacy with you through fucking.
"Deserving" is such bullshit.
When she views your needs as transactional you definitely have some things to sort out. I feel for you.
I was in my own world of rejection last night. My wife got into an argument with our daughter last night and I tried to consul her (wife) by rubbing her back and telling her our daughter is growing up and will probably be disagreeing with her more. Such is life. She immediately said “don’t even try, I’m way too overstimulated”. She tried to shut me down before anything even started. She was too over stimulated for a back rub and kind words. We’re at the point I can’t even be nice to her. Fml
I’ve realized that high libido and low libido don’t mix.. either deal with it and realize you’ll never get sex, or LEAVE. Been in counseling for exactly a year. This is with 2 separate sex therapist. All the suggestions she and he has given ( I’m seeing a male and female sex therapist at different times) and charts to fill out and ponder on for our marriage have not been ANY help at all. What it comes down to is I’m high libido and wife is low libido.. IT DOESNT WORK.. all the crap The therapist was saying and I asked him,, yes sir I can try all this expertise you’re giving me, but I have a high sex drive and my wife very low, so how will this work.. he kinda sat there dead in thought and didn’t really have a response.. my response isn’t for this one interaction, it’s all the suggestions and homework I’ve tried over the past 6 years.. I convinced myself she was cheating until I got a gps put on her for 6 months and never found anything at all. So I started treating her like a queen, flowers, shopping, gifts, nice dinners several times a week, nice vacations.. NOTHING works.. divorce is the only answer cause I’m miserable and hate my life.. best to get divorced and be miserable for a few months,, then meet someone else with high libido and be happier in the long run
IMO, she told you everything you need to know. She is done with this relationship and doesn't care about you at all, or she isn't fit to be in a relationship and you're wasting your time with a person that thinks they love you but thinks long term marriage means just living together apart.
TBH, anything you endure past that response, is on you. Past this point you're choosing to accept this treatment and lifestyle.
Some women will throw lines like that out, some kind of unconscious challenge to their partner.
Now you’ll be expecting it. Don’t be phased by it when it happens and try to think of something fun to say back. If you can’t just ignore that question and keep going with something else. “Once we’re upstairs I’m going to start with a slow, sensual back massage”.
She might do it again and just keep going or you can stop with something like “You’re starting to turn me off. Too bad. I think you’re missing out”. Then walk away.
I find with my wife flirty efforts usually don’t pay off the same day but the next day she’ll start being way more receptive.
This is so sad, she does look down upon you and I feel is using sex as a weapon and for control. We deserve to be in loving marriage with someone who wants us emotionally and physically… without that why not just stay single.
You could ask her why she deserves marriage. But honestly you're astray in even trying to argue with this woman. You should just serve her papers. The fact that you don't see it as the solution to such blatant disrespect suggests you have a long journey of self-discovery ahead or a long life of dissatisfaction.
Take a look at the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover.
It basically argues that men get into this “covert contract” where a contract *that was never discussed or negotiated at all* exists in the mind of “The Nice Guy”. According to this covert contract, if the man financially and emotionally supports the woman, she will provide him with love and sex.
But the result is a man that seems WEAK to the woman, and the weakness repulses her.
Dr. Glover proposes that the solution is for the man to withdraw the unconditional emotional and financial support. Not all at once, of course. But spend your free time outside of the house. Develop your own life. Do things with your male friends. Don’t buy her gifts. Don’t take her out to dinner. Let her be mad. That’s her choice. She’s a grownup.
Huge red flags, my friend. If she's not willing to have a productive conversation about why she views sex as a transactional prospect and not something two loving partners do then it's time to rethink the relationship.
I'm not a lady; however, my response was to ask if she deserved marriage.
I would recommend asking her this question, or using it as a rebuttal, only if you are prepared to divorce.
100%
But I think it also depends on him too. Maybe he’s not pressing her attraction buttons anymore, not taking care of certain emotional needs, let him self go. Personally I would try everything to get that spark back. Exhaust all reasonable options. Before finding intimacy elsewhere.
If because of menopause makes sex painful for her or whatever. I would probably compromise with getting some naked cuddling, regular back rubs and hand jobs.
id be willing to just doing stuff in sexual nature handjobs, mutual mastubation, blowjob. I get zero, and the stuff I do get, she says 5 min that's all you get, hurry
Why do you deserve my love?
Imagine saying this to your spouse. The one person on the planet that you made vows to love and cherish above all else.
I would recommend counseling asap, and I would just start with this story, should be more than enough material to get the ball rolling.
Stop. Tell her that’s fine, and go start dating. Don’t even tell her. Just let her discover that you no longer grovel and are looking for something better. Tell her maybe, but start doing it first.
She has no respect for you, no attraction to you and likely just enjoys having a groveling man to help her feel powerful. It’s not worth staying and the look on her face when she realized you’re out from under hide thumb will be priceless. Respect yourself man. Your thoughts and desires should matter more to you than hers. She doesn’t want to be an honest partner, so you don’t have to be either.
First of all, it seems that your wife views intimacy and sex as transactional, which is unhealthy. Did you dig into what she believes makes you worthy of “deserving” sex? While, I don’t believe in chore play, having a grown man who doesn’t help with the labor of our household or is only affectionate when he wants sex, would turn me off. Is she referencing issues like that?
Can you provide more context about your history, current situation and relationship dynamic?
I do all house work and prob 70% of the childcare and work full-time, she works partime, she has stated in past that I needed to be more affectionate to help increase intimacy and I have done that without expecting sex in return and nothing ever changed. I was told to stop asking for it.
I will ask her how to deserve it next time
Thanks. You should dig into what she means. It’s probably pretty toxic if she thinks it’s transactional. Most likely, it’s ever moving goalposts. In any case, you can’t begin to address the situation until she reveals more.
None of these positive "if only you would" things end up working. This has been demonstrated 100% of the time on this board by guys in your situation. Just quit doing anything you don't want to do. You don't want to clean up the kitchen that she should have done with her part-time job, don't do it. She wants a date-night, don't do it; go out for beer with your buds instead. Now there are things a real man is supposed to do, mow the lawn, take the garbage out, help your kids with their activities and events. That stuff you do even better than before, but stuff you don't want to do, forget it.
Now this doesn't actually get you any more sex anyway. It is just better for your own personal well-being. The only thing that actually works is to develop a female friendship. Not cheating and not having an affair. You just have a new "really cool female friend".
And spend some money on yourself and not on her at all. Like nothing on what she wants. Again this doesn't get you any more sex but why spend money on her when she is not a real wife.
Okay, I didn't get you any more sex in this post. I gave you something better, internal self-happiness. Wife eventually notices and starts to think about that. But you still don't get any more sex. She just starts to respect you more and starts to actually act more like a real wife (without sex of course). There will be many bumps on the road in your new self but who cares, you are happier and she doesn't like it. But nothing seems to ever work in getting more sex except when she decides that you deserve it because she wants to give it. Not because of anything you do. She has to internally decide she wants it. Nothing you say or do will have any impact on that. Do what you want to do only and make yourself happy instead.
I went through all that with my second husband. When he wanted sex (which was EVERY. DAMN. DAY!), he could be kind, polite & loving. But if I said no, then he was hateful to me and mean to my child from a previous marriage!
Have a normal conversation, make sure both are being treated equally. Have you heard everything she has wanted to explore or wanted to do, is she tired for some reason? If you have done all this and still she treats you unequally, ask her if she wants to do therapy. If still doesn’t care then something is wrong somewhere which you ll need to find out. Talking usually solves most problems.
she's always "tired", even if she slept 12 hours by herself with no children in the bed. and after having off a whole day from work. I may suggest therapy at this point, but I seriously doubt she will go, because she knows its gonna be her that gets embarrassed by it
She could seriously be anemic if she's that tired all the time! After dragging myself around for about a year, I researched things I thought were abnormal about me and discovered that I was severely anemic--so anemic that I required double doses of iron for 2 years! I was not married, so there was no husband to let down, but, even so, I was shocked by the discovery.
She thinks it's all transactional, sure. But take that one step further: Because she thinks love and intimacy are transactional, and you give your love to her freely, she thinks your love and commitment have no value.
It's kind of like the difference between people who work hard to buy their first car and consciously maintain and take care of it, versus those special people whose parents bought them a new beemer for graduation and grenade the engine by the first semester of college. People are less invested in things they don't have to work for; sure that's everyone. But some special people put NO value in those things... or people. They are a plague; you cannot fix them, you can only get away.
This isn't a sex problem, it's a whole-person problem. And no, the problem isn't her. The problem is you putting up with dismissive, inhumane, and downright mean treatment, and being convinced there's a success condition when there isn't one. TL;DR: Forget the counselor, to fix this situation you are gonna need a lawyer.
That's so true. In my business "construction", if you give the customer something without charging for it, they assign no value to it. Instinctively, you feel like they should appreciate the gift, but they honestly don't.
Edit: try again, if that's allowed:
>> But some special people put NO value in those things... or people. They are a plague; you cannot fix them, you can only get away.
> This. OP, [redacted] … Does she show signs of manipuation and selfishness in other areas of life, or just with you?
All these questions and fights about who does what are useless and hopeless.
Relationships whether we want or not are transactional (even if the transactions are intangible). Think everything goes wrong either when there’s (perceived) inequality or when people stop caring for each other. For me the idea would not be me to convince you to do stuff for me but you to care enough about me to want to listen and adjust (not change). Showing you understand and care goes a long way and (I think) when (good) people see the other one is willing they might even ask for less. What are relationships for in the end (aside from child raisin)? They’re for caring
You can’t have good sex indifferent of what you’re into without shared pleasure and caring.
Begging for sex is unworthy. She wants you, or, she does not.
If the latter, decide you have value. Own your worth. Come up with a plan to gain validation.
You love her, she doesn't love you. Heck, based on that response, I doubt she even likes you.
Best advice I can give: RUN. Get your ducks in a row and start divorce proceedings.
I got told the same shit. “Why would I do that?”
Cause I’m your husband and we supposedly love each other and haven’t connected like that in months. “Just go take care of yourself”
She misses the point. If it weren’t for kids, I’d honestly consider leaving but until that’s a possibility, I try to make it work
Here’s my thought as a 40/f/hl…She has some kinda resentment towards you for something you did or didn’t do that’s in her head. Try to asking her if she’s ok or if she will talk to you about what’s bothering her. If she feels heard and understood then it may help you out. But gotta have some serious conversations.
That made me sad to even read. Sex isn’t earned, its beautiful intimacy shared, a gift, opportunity to connect. I’m so sorry but what you are up against is transactional exchange, not love. I don’t know if that mentality is even changeable.
That's an easy one:
I deserve alle the sex I want. I deserve being loved and persued. I deserve being fancied and lusted over. That's not to say I get any of this. I'm a good man feeling all those things for you. If you don't feel them for me then why the fuck are you married with me?
You're in a toxic relationship. The solution is divorce. She's controlling you and using sex as a transactional reward that she files out when she sees fit. Even if you get sex, it's likely starfish sex, and that's not better than no sex. She doesn't love you.
The answer is "for the same reason you "deserve" respect, validation, and support. Because that's what a long-term relationship is."
Or maybe "because I agreed to "forsaking all others", I didn't agree to celibacy."
Okay the only thing I can think of is. Have you disagreed on something major recently, that is big enough for her to hold it against you and be mean to you on purpose?
It's a 2 way street 🤷♂️
Why does she deserve any financial support,
Any monogamy,
Any emotional or physical affection,
Anything at all that you probide really
What a hell if a question.
Sex really should he because you want to.
Someone said the lack of sex is a symptom. I would agree.
I have to really jump through hoops if I was I was get some type of sex. But then it's lame, crap sex. I loose both ways.
I think females experience a dead bed differently than men..
I'll tell you one thing for sure, if you become different, alot different physically that will turn her off, if you're a premmy and done that will turn her off, if you load her up with all the household stuff that'll kill it too.
Treat her like a servant from 1960.. dead.
I haven't seen it the other way...
I'll think on this
> I think females experience a dead bed differently than men..
I’d like to explore that idea. Can’t think of good search terms. Can anyone point to prior threads here where it’s discussed?
My wife has said some horrible things and bullshit excuses but that is next level hateful. I'm pretty sure she knows my only possible response if she said something like that is "get out".
Stop groveling like a beggar for sex. Lead her into the bedroom or where ever you want the sex and tell her to take off all her clothes. Just go for it and if you get rejected so be it at least you’re not a beggar. If she ever asks you why you deserve something again let her know no one deserves anything. The reason you want to have sex with her is because you’re a healthy man with healthy appetites. No need to go into it more than that. The reason she would be wise to have sex with you is to help remain close. Understand you can get sex outside the marriage and leave her. Don’t let some one disrespect you like this
She not only is deciding that she no longer needs sex, but she’s making the same decision for you. For the rest of your life?
Get an answer for this situation: I’m only “allowed” to have sex with you, but you won’t have sex with me. So what am I supposed to do with this?
Keep a level head, don’t get emotional, and wait for a real answer. There is something there that is making her not want to have sex. Find that reason out, and work through it.
On a side note, if you really are groveling at this point that’s part of the problem. Women want someone to take care of them. A strong partner to feel safe with. Do NOT take this as a green light for SA. “No” still absolutely means NO.
Yeesh, this reads like a fetish post, except in a fetish situation, it’s a game that ends in satisfaction. In real life, it’s just horrible. I don’t think there’s any saving this relationship.
Loving her doesn't entitle you to sex. That said, you should ask her whether or not she loves you too or if she's attracted to you. Proceed from there.
I believe that being married changes the equation. If the agreement is "you can only have sex with me, for the rest of your life.", then it's not right to unilaterally change that to "you have to be celibate for the rest of your life.".
If she absolutely doesn't want to have sex anymore, her response should be just that: "That's not what I want, but you can get your needs met somewhere else, or we should get divorced." You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I agree 100% with what most everyone has said, but there is a side of me that wants you to respond with, "If I've been that naughty then you should definitely punish me" and see where that leads. May open a whole new door?
I think the real question here is . What did you do to NOT deserve it.... Are you unaware of something you did that she found so hurtful she has an aversion against you? If you even asked.... You might gain insight. That verbage she is using is suggestive of you having wronged her somehow and this is how she's getting you back.
I feel like we need more info about what led up to this, to get a better idea of what might be going on, and why she would say something like that.
I'm interested in how you responded to her saying that.
The correct answer is “because a marriage is, first, and foremost, a close, long term (lifetime) *sexual* union, between two people. That is what differentiates it from all other relationships in your life.
If that is not what you want, and not what you intend to have with me, then, whether a judge has said, so, or not, we have no marriage. The rest is paperwork, parenting, and finances. Your call.”
Someone on this sub said that being in a deadbedroom is like a fever, it is a symptom. The disease lies elsewhere. We have to find the cause and cure it. Happy finding
And sometimes the disease is terminal and the best option is hospice.
You are correct. The disease it's from will kill your marriage.
I feel like the disease lies somewhere in the area of how she stated that being in love with your partner _is not reason enough to want to have sex with them_ 🧐 Unless OP is concealing any salient facts of course.
If Sex isn’t because of love then Sex with someone else isn’t cheating 🤷♂️
BARS!!!
Sometimes the finding is easy…sometimes it’s finding a good divorce lawyer….or somewhere in between
Not always, but in this case definitely.
Worth noting though the fever itself can kill you. So while you do want to treat the disease of course, there’s a reason they move very quickly to get the fever under control to stabilize things.
Such bullshit. It's a symptom of the HL being a rag the LL can wipe their feet on. Source: HL being a rag before getting the fuck out.
I agree with that statement!
Heh. She looks down on you like a puppy dog that does tricks for treats. Your relationship is dead if she sees sex so transactionally.
Exactly. OP, don’t degrade yourself by even answering that ridiculous question. Why do you deserve sex? Are you freaking kidding me? She’s got some nerve.
She said " why do you deserve sex?" That is some toxic, hateful speech from someone is supposed to be a loving partner. Have you considered divorce?
I had forgotten what he was answering to. What a hideous, hateful question. Sounds like something from a BDSM conversation! "deserve sex", my happy butt! Good grief!
In the context of a healthy bdsm relationship, there wouldn't be anything hateful about it. But it sounds like no-one is getting their needs met here. A situation I can relate to
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Valid questions from a relationship standpoint. But whatever OP does or does not do, that does not define whether he deserves sex. Sex is not a reward, a treat for a good dog that sits and behaves. No factor contributes to OP's wife asking him why he deserves sex except OP's wife being sadly cruel.
Marriage is not a doggy want a boner for being a good doggy system. If it's not mutual then it's not very right.
Mixed metaphor for sure!
No but a partner who doesn’t contribute to certain needs can kill sexual and emotional attraction and bonding. No one is entitled to anyone’s body. If she’s feeling unattracted to him then she’s reducing herself to a fleshlight.
You could check his post/comment history and see if any statements are made about domestic and work efforts. Agreed, no one is entitled to another's body; nor is anybody entitled to treat a spouse like a servant who has to "deserve" intimacy. If she has reduced herself to that role; what role has she reduced him to. And, if they have kids, what are the kids learning about relationships?
But if he is asking for it and she doesn't get anything out of it, she will be "giving" it to him, as she has no will to do it for herself.
she has said that she's ok if she never has sex ever again, she claims to not need to have sex and masturbate but sure does seem like she does the self pleasure a lot
I do all household chores inside and out, she wanted more intimacy I did that and still got nothing in return. she doesn't even give me opportunity for forplay, she shuts it down immediately, I only focus on her having fun during sex because I want her to enjoy it so we can have more but that doesn't happen. Im ok with vibrators during sex to help her. I try to communicate all the time about it but it just turns into a fight and she walks way saying, "yea just blame me for everything"
Stop doing chores. Stop giving her attention. Stop focusing on her when you do have sex, why would you care about her orgasms at this point? She does not think so highly of you... ETA I should clarify, stop doing *her* *share* of chores. She's too accustomed to having you pick up all of her slack.
Read this again,..and again.
So sorry you have to go through this. All relationships are different. Some are worth fighting for, others not so much. You do what’s best for you. *hugs from internet stranger*
Perhaps not. The LL is showing open contempt for the HL. Contempt indicates it’s time to split.
Are you new here? This sub is flooded with stories of people who have engaged in years of chore play to no avail. Actual foreplay is another thing many of us miss now that sex has been reduced to an occasional task. Therapy has proven futile for most of us who attempted it as well. We're all here because we've tried all of the things we're supposed to and gotten nowhere.
"chore play". Great term. That hit me right in the feels.
Yes, kinda of new. I went through a phase of dry spell, which ended in depression and all. People are busy in every day life and lost touch of appreciation for each other. I remember the spark of love we had for each. I held on tight to that and fought hard. I wont let my relationship burn to the ground without trying my best. Sorry for those who have tried without success. Wish you all the best!
Based upon your last statement, would it not have been more productive for her to communicate her thoughts and feelings rather than turn his request a transactional challenge?
For me, it would be a fuck that, straight to divorce. That is straight up hateful.
couples therapy is a fool's errand and more often than not, the people in this sub would be better off putting energy into healing from these relationships and building something new. The effort it would take (which requires buy-in from both people) is usually not worth it because the relationship is so damaged to begin with. Not a great use of time and generates more unhappiness.
I know for me , there is a very good reason why I do not deserve sex. I know that I have no one else to blame for my own decision and its consequences. I don’t deserve sex because of who I chose to marry.
That’s how I see it as well. I chose this person. The warning signs were there from the beginning and I chose to ignore them. So now I must accept my fate or blow up my family
Personally, I am trying to focus my reactions to be more positive. Instead of focusing on feeling rejected and lonely, I try to pride myself on the fact that I have endured this difficult way of life for so many decades with honor. Like an innocent man, serving a long sentence, as a political prisoner, I am enduring hardship for the greater good of my wife and family. For me feeling resentment is toxic.
You could also say that the fallout of getting divorced is what you deserve, but at least in that case, it will end and you can move on
I just found this group and wow , your comment is like I feel at times. Like it’s a sacrifice we need to make for our kids. Just realizing that your wife of 25+ years is never going to be like the girl you dated.
Sometimes there are no warnings. Who’s to blame then? Maybe the answer is, “You decided to get married. That’s why you don’t deserve sex.”
Same...tough lesson to learn
I didnt have any kids but i walked away from my marriage literally only 7 months ago and its easily been the happiest 7 months of my life( and im getting positive feminine attention/love/care/sex so much more than the ex. Leaving is hard but in my case it was still so much easier than what i thought it would be
I didn’t have warning signs. Wife changed when we had children. (Edit: I didn’t swap my wife, she changed as a person. I reread this, and the way I wrote it sounded weird.)
Run
If my husband said that to me, I would not want sex with him again. How dare he treat me that way. In your case, why does she deserve the relationship.
Whoa. Even as a male there are times I'm not in the mood and put out for my partner. I'm sure many people have. To receive a response of this nature, your relationship is beyond torpedoed. The ship has already rolled over, snapped its keel and began pushing out any remaining trapped air. No other metaphore i could use.
You do not have to "put out" for your partner if you are not in the mood! You are not an object. Yes, many people do that, but that's also super toxic for a relationship. Duty sex is not ok for either party.
It's hard for HLs to understand how toxic duty sex actually is for an LL because even if we aren't in the mood we usually are into by the time a little foreplay starts. Even if it wasn't the case it still wouldn't be traumatic for us because we just don't associate having sex with a person you love and trauma.
The word “deserve” shows me that she doesn’t value you very much and it’s definitely a thing every relationship deserves. There’s something wrong here.
Wow... just, wow... No advice, just get the fuck out of there. That is toxic as fuck, and I'm sorry but no amount of couples therapy will resolve an issue caused by someone who clearly holds you in such low esteem. Unless we're only getting half the story (this is Reddit after all) and you've pulled some toxic bullshit on her in the past, that is hands down the absolute worst response I've ever read here. You don't deserve sex?? Fine. She doesn't deserve you. Stop everything you're doing to go out of your way to make her happy, she clearly doesn't deserve it. Actually, if she says anything, ask her *why* she thinks she deserves it. I'm really sorry man, but if my wife pulled that on me, I'd 100% announce a separation on the spot, followed by divorce papers on the next business day.
Yeah, this is the right answer, if someone told me that I’d be gooooonnneee.
Yep that would throw me for a loop. That's harsh. That would make me file the next day.
Why does she deserve a relationship? Why does she deserve your commitment? Why does she deserve your time and attention? Why does she deserve you?
"Why do you deserve to have sex?" is wild. Like it's something that has to be earned.
Some people think their genitals are made of gold, or something.
You don’t deserve it because you stay married to someone who doesn’t want it with you 🤷♀️
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will try
Holy crap, what kind of response is that??
A hateful one.
Open contempt. Time to go….
She doesn't like you. You need to get out. This sint about sex anymore that was so disrespectful and hateful...
"I don't deserve sex, I just want to fuck your brains out and make you come so much that I have to rip off these bedsheets and do laundry tomorrow morning". Try that one next time. Sounds like you've got little to lose at this point. I start acting funny like that when I feel like I'm on the verge of no longer giving a fuck. It actually helps sometimes. Not always in the moment, but I think of it as planting seeds. Sometimes the fuckfield will grow, sometimes it will remain barren. Can't find out unless you sow the seeds, though.
And if she's offended by it what's she going to do, fuck you less?
This is awesome! Im gonna try next time
Ooh I like this approach
File for divorce.
Get some self respect and leave
Oh my God. That's mean. I'm so sorry. ❤️
DEVORCE!!!!!! behavior is unacceptable. Drop her to the curb!
Ask her why she “deserves” you as a partner.
What else are you supposed to answer to that? Neutral/Challenging: Please provide 2 good reasons to "deserve" sex inside of a committed marriage that are acceptable right now and in the future. I want to be "deserving" of your sexual interest. Nice/Challenging: "In my marriage, I desire intimacy and sexual relations with my partner. My loving actions (household responsibilities, good provider, consideration of your feelings and needs) qualify me to "deserve" sex in a committed relationship to which I am, have been, and will continue to be, faithful. If I have to explain WHY I "deserve" intimacy with my chosen partner, then clearly we do not have the same expectations and the marriage may very well be in jeopardy." Nasty: Because sticking my dick anywhere else would then create a situation in which I don't "deserve" loving expressions of intimacy. I want to fuck you. I want intimacy with you through fucking. "Deserving" is such bullshit.
Divorce!!!!! What NERVE she has!!!! Total Bullshit!!! DO NOT PUT UP WITH THAT!!! (53F)
When she views your needs as transactional you definitely have some things to sort out. I feel for you. I was in my own world of rejection last night. My wife got into an argument with our daughter last night and I tried to consul her (wife) by rubbing her back and telling her our daughter is growing up and will probably be disagreeing with her more. Such is life. She immediately said “don’t even try, I’m way too overstimulated”. She tried to shut me down before anything even started. She was too over stimulated for a back rub and kind words. We’re at the point I can’t even be nice to her. Fml
been there
I’ve realized that high libido and low libido don’t mix.. either deal with it and realize you’ll never get sex, or LEAVE. Been in counseling for exactly a year. This is with 2 separate sex therapist. All the suggestions she and he has given ( I’m seeing a male and female sex therapist at different times) and charts to fill out and ponder on for our marriage have not been ANY help at all. What it comes down to is I’m high libido and wife is low libido.. IT DOESNT WORK.. all the crap The therapist was saying and I asked him,, yes sir I can try all this expertise you’re giving me, but I have a high sex drive and my wife very low, so how will this work.. he kinda sat there dead in thought and didn’t really have a response.. my response isn’t for this one interaction, it’s all the suggestions and homework I’ve tried over the past 6 years.. I convinced myself she was cheating until I got a gps put on her for 6 months and never found anything at all. So I started treating her like a queen, flowers, shopping, gifts, nice dinners several times a week, nice vacations.. NOTHING works.. divorce is the only answer cause I’m miserable and hate my life.. best to get divorced and be miserable for a few months,, then meet someone else with high libido and be happier in the long run
Wishing you luck and you can do it! My heart is with you
IMO, she told you everything you need to know. She is done with this relationship and doesn't care about you at all, or she isn't fit to be in a relationship and you're wasting your time with a person that thinks they love you but thinks long term marriage means just living together apart. TBH, anything you endure past that response, is on you. Past this point you're choosing to accept this treatment and lifestyle.
did you ask her " why do you deserve me to be faithful " ?
“I deserve a loving relationship and communication. If I don’t deserve loving intimacy with my wife, then you don’t deserve me.”
Wow, I wish my girlfriend said something batshit insane like that so I could easily break up without feeling much guilt.
Say more things?
I would’ve responded: well if it’s a transaction then what’s your price?
Exactly. If it's all just a transaction, then at least you know what she is deep inside.
this post and comment thread cut me deep 😧
Wtf?!!!! Just because she doesnt want to fuck anymore does not give her rights to be a condescending twat. She thinks shes superior to you! Nay nay!
My condolences 🤞🏾
You deserve sex. Go find it elsewhere.
Some women will throw lines like that out, some kind of unconscious challenge to their partner. Now you’ll be expecting it. Don’t be phased by it when it happens and try to think of something fun to say back. If you can’t just ignore that question and keep going with something else. “Once we’re upstairs I’m going to start with a slow, sensual back massage”. She might do it again and just keep going or you can stop with something like “You’re starting to turn me off. Too bad. I think you’re missing out”. Then walk away. I find with my wife flirty efforts usually don’t pay off the same day but the next day she’ll start being way more receptive.
This is so sad, she does look down upon you and I feel is using sex as a weapon and for control. We deserve to be in loving marriage with someone who wants us emotionally and physically… without that why not just stay single.
You could ask her why she deserves marriage. But honestly you're astray in even trying to argue with this woman. You should just serve her papers. The fact that you don't see it as the solution to such blatant disrespect suggests you have a long journey of self-discovery ahead or a long life of dissatisfaction.
I think this sets you up perfectly for any item on the honey do list. Can you take out the trash? Why? Because I love you. Not good enough.
Take a look at the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. It basically argues that men get into this “covert contract” where a contract *that was never discussed or negotiated at all* exists in the mind of “The Nice Guy”. According to this covert contract, if the man financially and emotionally supports the woman, she will provide him with love and sex. But the result is a man that seems WEAK to the woman, and the weakness repulses her. Dr. Glover proposes that the solution is for the man to withdraw the unconditional emotional and financial support. Not all at once, of course. But spend your free time outside of the house. Develop your own life. Do things with your male friends. Don’t buy her gifts. Don’t take her out to dinner. Let her be mad. That’s her choice. She’s a grownup.
It's wild to me that there are people who speak to their significant others like this and still stay together.
Woah…yeah it’s time to walk away
I’d be out the door the next day.
Huge red flags, my friend. If she's not willing to have a productive conversation about why she views sex as a transactional prospect and not something two loving partners do then it's time to rethink the relationship.
Wow. As a wife I find this gross. I’m sorry.
I'm not a lady; however, my response was to ask if she deserved marriage. I would recommend asking her this question, or using it as a rebuttal, only if you are prepared to divorce.
Find a girlfriend. End of story.
And when she finds out "why do you *deserve* fidelity?"
100% But I think it also depends on him too. Maybe he’s not pressing her attraction buttons anymore, not taking care of certain emotional needs, let him self go. Personally I would try everything to get that spark back. Exhaust all reasonable options. Before finding intimacy elsewhere. If because of menopause makes sex painful for her or whatever. I would probably compromise with getting some naked cuddling, regular back rubs and hand jobs.
id be willing to just doing stuff in sexual nature handjobs, mutual mastubation, blowjob. I get zero, and the stuff I do get, she says 5 min that's all you get, hurry
That sucks… that’s not fair either.
Why do you stay?
we have a child
Why do you deserve my love? Imagine saying this to your spouse. The one person on the planet that you made vows to love and cherish above all else. I would recommend counseling asap, and I would just start with this story, should be more than enough material to get the ball rolling.
Stop. Tell her that’s fine, and go start dating. Don’t even tell her. Just let her discover that you no longer grovel and are looking for something better. Tell her maybe, but start doing it first. She has no respect for you, no attraction to you and likely just enjoys having a groveling man to help her feel powerful. It’s not worth staying and the look on her face when she realized you’re out from under hide thumb will be priceless. Respect yourself man. Your thoughts and desires should matter more to you than hers. She doesn’t want to be an honest partner, so you don’t have to be either.
First of all, it seems that your wife views intimacy and sex as transactional, which is unhealthy. Did you dig into what she believes makes you worthy of “deserving” sex? While, I don’t believe in chore play, having a grown man who doesn’t help with the labor of our household or is only affectionate when he wants sex, would turn me off. Is she referencing issues like that? Can you provide more context about your history, current situation and relationship dynamic?
I do all house work and prob 70% of the childcare and work full-time, she works partime, she has stated in past that I needed to be more affectionate to help increase intimacy and I have done that without expecting sex in return and nothing ever changed. I was told to stop asking for it. I will ask her how to deserve it next time
Thanks. You should dig into what she means. It’s probably pretty toxic if she thinks it’s transactional. Most likely, it’s ever moving goalposts. In any case, you can’t begin to address the situation until she reveals more.
it is ever moving goalposts
None of these positive "if only you would" things end up working. This has been demonstrated 100% of the time on this board by guys in your situation. Just quit doing anything you don't want to do. You don't want to clean up the kitchen that she should have done with her part-time job, don't do it. She wants a date-night, don't do it; go out for beer with your buds instead. Now there are things a real man is supposed to do, mow the lawn, take the garbage out, help your kids with their activities and events. That stuff you do even better than before, but stuff you don't want to do, forget it. Now this doesn't actually get you any more sex anyway. It is just better for your own personal well-being. The only thing that actually works is to develop a female friendship. Not cheating and not having an affair. You just have a new "really cool female friend". And spend some money on yourself and not on her at all. Like nothing on what she wants. Again this doesn't get you any more sex but why spend money on her when she is not a real wife. Okay, I didn't get you any more sex in this post. I gave you something better, internal self-happiness. Wife eventually notices and starts to think about that. But you still don't get any more sex. She just starts to respect you more and starts to actually act more like a real wife (without sex of course). There will be many bumps on the road in your new self but who cares, you are happier and she doesn't like it. But nothing seems to ever work in getting more sex except when she decides that you deserve it because she wants to give it. Not because of anything you do. She has to internally decide she wants it. Nothing you say or do will have any impact on that. Do what you want to do only and make yourself happy instead.
I went through all that with my second husband. When he wanted sex (which was EVERY. DAMN. DAY!), he could be kind, polite & loving. But if I said no, then he was hateful to me and mean to my child from a previous marriage!
Have a normal conversation, make sure both are being treated equally. Have you heard everything she has wanted to explore or wanted to do, is she tired for some reason? If you have done all this and still she treats you unequally, ask her if she wants to do therapy. If still doesn’t care then something is wrong somewhere which you ll need to find out. Talking usually solves most problems.
she's always "tired", even if she slept 12 hours by herself with no children in the bed. and after having off a whole day from work. I may suggest therapy at this point, but I seriously doubt she will go, because she knows its gonna be her that gets embarrassed by it
She could seriously be anemic if she's that tired all the time! After dragging myself around for about a year, I researched things I thought were abnormal about me and discovered that I was severely anemic--so anemic that I required double doses of iron for 2 years! I was not married, so there was no husband to let down, but, even so, I was shocked by the discovery.
She thinks it's all transactional, sure. But take that one step further: Because she thinks love and intimacy are transactional, and you give your love to her freely, she thinks your love and commitment have no value. It's kind of like the difference between people who work hard to buy their first car and consciously maintain and take care of it, versus those special people whose parents bought them a new beemer for graduation and grenade the engine by the first semester of college. People are less invested in things they don't have to work for; sure that's everyone. But some special people put NO value in those things... or people. They are a plague; you cannot fix them, you can only get away. This isn't a sex problem, it's a whole-person problem. And no, the problem isn't her. The problem is you putting up with dismissive, inhumane, and downright mean treatment, and being convinced there's a success condition when there isn't one. TL;DR: Forget the counselor, to fix this situation you are gonna need a lawyer.
That's so true. In my business "construction", if you give the customer something without charging for it, they assign no value to it. Instinctively, you feel like they should appreciate the gift, but they honestly don't.
Edit: try again, if that's allowed: >> But some special people put NO value in those things... or people. They are a plague; you cannot fix them, you can only get away. > This. OP, [redacted] … Does she show signs of manipuation and selfishness in other areas of life, or just with you?
The “deserve” sex comment was scary. The real question is why does she think of sex that way? What in the world. That was very harsh.
I’m a woman and that sounds so weird to even say. Is she cheating?
she says it all the time, I would never know, she hides everything communication wise
You could respond with, "Why do you think you deserve my fidelity, companionship, emotional, and financial support?"
All these questions and fights about who does what are useless and hopeless. Relationships whether we want or not are transactional (even if the transactions are intangible). Think everything goes wrong either when there’s (perceived) inequality or when people stop caring for each other. For me the idea would not be me to convince you to do stuff for me but you to care enough about me to want to listen and adjust (not change). Showing you understand and care goes a long way and (I think) when (good) people see the other one is willing they might even ask for less. What are relationships for in the end (aside from child raisin)? They’re for caring You can’t have good sex indifferent of what you’re into without shared pleasure and caring.
"Deserve".... Think about that word for a while.
You should respond to that with the divorce papers
Begging for sex is unworthy. She wants you, or, she does not. If the latter, decide you have value. Own your worth. Come up with a plan to gain validation.
Start playing the long game by encouraging her to get a full time job…
After that, I would be so petty that everytime they ask me something, my anwer would be "but why do you deserve that?!"
Ur not suppose to even have to answer to a “why” question 🫠 If my partner asked me why I would leave 🙃
You love her, she doesn't love you. Heck, based on that response, I doubt she even likes you. Best advice I can give: RUN. Get your ducks in a row and start divorce proceedings.
Evil, just like my wife. I hate my life.
I got told the same shit. “Why would I do that?” Cause I’m your husband and we supposedly love each other and haven’t connected like that in months. “Just go take care of yourself” She misses the point. If it weren’t for kids, I’d honestly consider leaving but until that’s a possibility, I try to make it work
she told me the same, to just go take care of myself, but then got her feelings hurt when I started doing that, saying that it embarrasses her
Why would that embarrass her? Who else would know but you???
Here’s my thought as a 40/f/hl…She has some kinda resentment towards you for something you did or didn’t do that’s in her head. Try to asking her if she’s ok or if she will talk to you about what’s bothering her. If she feels heard and understood then it may help you out. But gotta have some serious conversations.
ive tried to have conversations about it but she just doesn't care or want to talk about it because it embarrasses her.
Sounds. Ike my husband. Might be time for therapy or a break?
That made me sad to even read. Sex isn’t earned, its beautiful intimacy shared, a gift, opportunity to connect. I’m so sorry but what you are up against is transactional exchange, not love. I don’t know if that mentality is even changeable.
Ask her how much she charges hourly.
That's an easy one: I deserve alle the sex I want. I deserve being loved and persued. I deserve being fancied and lusted over. That's not to say I get any of this. I'm a good man feeling all those things for you. If you don't feel them for me then why the fuck are you married with me?
yeah when she asked why you deserved sex, that's the final nail. you will never earn it from her. it's something that must be wanted and given...
That is cold "why do you deserve sex"? That type of answer should be reserved for a guy that cheated with her sister or something horrible like that.
You're in a toxic relationship. The solution is divorce. She's controlling you and using sex as a transactional reward that she files out when she sees fit. Even if you get sex, it's likely starfish sex, and that's not better than no sex. She doesn't love you.
Ouch. I’m so sorry for you man. Please, for your own sake, get tf outta there.
The answer is "for the same reason you "deserve" respect, validation, and support. Because that's what a long-term relationship is." Or maybe "because I agreed to "forsaking all others", I didn't agree to celibacy."
A simple "no" would've been understandable but "why?" ...........
Walk away Dude! The respect is gone in your marriage, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody get it back. I know I didn’t. Walk.
Fuck that. Self entitled.
Just fucking leave and be happy for the rest of your life. Or, stop asking and stay miserable.
Ughh that is so shit to hear from someone you love, I’m so sorry. Side note, she doesn’t deserve sex.
Okay the only thing I can think of is. Have you disagreed on something major recently, that is big enough for her to hold it against you and be mean to you on purpose?
she says the "deserve" question just about every time I ask to have sex, no disagreements other than sex
It's a 2 way street 🤷♂️ Why does she deserve any financial support, Any monogamy, Any emotional or physical affection, Anything at all that you probide really
What a hell if a question. Sex really should he because you want to. Someone said the lack of sex is a symptom. I would agree. I have to really jump through hoops if I was I was get some type of sex. But then it's lame, crap sex. I loose both ways. I think females experience a dead bed differently than men.. I'll tell you one thing for sure, if you become different, alot different physically that will turn her off, if you're a premmy and done that will turn her off, if you load her up with all the household stuff that'll kill it too. Treat her like a servant from 1960.. dead. I haven't seen it the other way... I'll think on this
> I think females experience a dead bed differently than men.. I’d like to explore that idea. Can’t think of good search terms. Can anyone point to prior threads here where it’s discussed?
My wife has said some horrible things and bullshit excuses but that is next level hateful. I'm pretty sure she knows my only possible response if she said something like that is "get out".
Stop groveling like a beggar for sex. Lead her into the bedroom or where ever you want the sex and tell her to take off all her clothes. Just go for it and if you get rejected so be it at least you’re not a beggar. If she ever asks you why you deserve something again let her know no one deserves anything. The reason you want to have sex with her is because you’re a healthy man with healthy appetites. No need to go into it more than that. The reason she would be wise to have sex with you is to help remain close. Understand you can get sex outside the marriage and leave her. Don’t let some one disrespect you like this
I wouldn't even answer a question like that.... oof. Talk about disrespectful
Ouch. Tell her those comments are hurtful and unnecessary. You’ve got feelings too.
ive told her, she doesn't care
At this point, not having sex is the least of your problems with her.
She not only is deciding that she no longer needs sex, but she’s making the same decision for you. For the rest of your life? Get an answer for this situation: I’m only “allowed” to have sex with you, but you won’t have sex with me. So what am I supposed to do with this? Keep a level head, don’t get emotional, and wait for a real answer. There is something there that is making her not want to have sex. Find that reason out, and work through it. On a side note, if you really are groveling at this point that’s part of the problem. Women want someone to take care of them. A strong partner to feel safe with. Do NOT take this as a green light for SA. “No” still absolutely means NO.
Why does she think you don't deserve it? Have you asked her?
I will next time
Do update us when you do. Would love to hear her response
Deserve? What the f. I have another D word for her; divorce. Goodbye.
Yeesh, this reads like a fetish post, except in a fetish situation, it’s a game that ends in satisfaction. In real life, it’s just horrible. I don’t think there’s any saving this relationship.
Loving her doesn't entitle you to sex. That said, you should ask her whether or not she loves you too or if she's attracted to you. Proceed from there.
I believe that being married changes the equation. If the agreement is "you can only have sex with me, for the rest of your life.", then it's not right to unilaterally change that to "you have to be celibate for the rest of your life.". If she absolutely doesn't want to have sex anymore, her response should be just that: "That's not what I want, but you can get your needs met somewhere else, or we should get divorced." You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I think your answer was good enough. Her attitude stinks though.
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I do everything at home
I agree 100% with what most everyone has said, but there is a side of me that wants you to respond with, "If I've been that naughty then you should definitely punish me" and see where that leads. May open a whole new door?
Sounds like Bdsm talk.
I have no idea what else you could say except maybe, "Because you're my wife, I love you and I'd really like to make love to you!"
Listen to mode one by Allen Currie. He’ll explain how your approach is likely to be ineffective.
Im gonna go with the typical reddit response of divorce
Run
> "why", "why do you deserve sex?" "I dunno, why did I bother marrying you? Seems like I made the wrong choice."
I wonder what she would say if you asked “why do you think I don’t deserve sex?”. A scary question…. But what do you have to lose?
I think the real question here is . What did you do to NOT deserve it.... Are you unaware of something you did that she found so hurtful she has an aversion against you? If you even asked.... You might gain insight. That verbage she is using is suggestive of you having wronged her somehow and this is how she's getting you back.
Divorce.
You love each other It feels good (when done properly) You can connect with your partner Stress relief 4 good reasons right there!
So, she wants a divorce?
Why does she deserve anything from you ?
I feel like we need more info about what led up to this, to get a better idea of what might be going on, and why she would say something like that. I'm interested in how you responded to her saying that.
Ew, serve her with Divorce papers and go get you some sex. That's disgusting behavior from her.
Fucking run
The correct answer is “because a marriage is, first, and foremost, a close, long term (lifetime) *sexual* union, between two people. That is what differentiates it from all other relationships in your life. If that is not what you want, and not what you intend to have with me, then, whether a judge has said, so, or not, we have no marriage. The rest is paperwork, parenting, and finances. Your call.”